Free Report:

The 7 Common Mistakes People

Make When Trying to Get Back
Together With Their Ex's

Mistake 1: "But I Love You So Much"

After a break up, many people will try to repair the

relationship by repeatedly telling their ex how much they
love them:

"We can't break up... I love you!"

"If you knew how much I loved you, you wouldn't
leave."
"I love you. If you leave me I'll be miserable."

Perhaps because of messages we get from society, some of

us are under the impression that "love conquers all" so our
love should be enough to save our relationship. The
unfortunate fact is that loving relationships often don't
work. Your love for your ex, in itself, is not enough to bring
you back together.

For the relationship to have a chance your ex needs to love

you too. But even that isn't enough - they need to love you
the right way. To keep things simple I'll generalize love into
two categories:

There is "I-care-about-you" love. This is the platonic love

you may feel for a close friend or a family member. This
love may involve such feelings as sympathy or pity and it is
not romantic, sexual, or attractive. A couple who has this
type of love for each other is probably on the verge of a
break up.

Then there is "I-want-to-be-with-you" love. This love

involves attraction, desire, and excitement. This is the
 romantic love that brings people together, keeps them
together, and brings them back together after a breakup.
When two people have this type of love for each other they
are willing to work on the relationship instead of leaving it.

And herein lies the solution and the challenge... rekindling

"I-want-to-be-with-you" love in your ex. It's extremely
difficult because you can't force your ex to have these
feelings for you. In fact, the harder you try to force it, the
less likely they are to feel this way (this is what I call the
paradox of attraction)! Your role in recreating this feeling in
your ex has to be more indirect.

That isn't to say that you have no control. In many ways

your ex is only reacting to you. You can influence how they
react by controlling how you present yourself and what you
say.

There are very specific things that you can do to improve

your chances of getting back your ex boyfriend or ex
girlfriend. Repeatedly telling your ex that you love them is
definitely not one of them.

Mistake 2: Looking for sympathy

When you first met your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, do you

think they were attracted to you because you were
depressed? Did you strive to be unhappy around them? Did
they respect you because of your self pity and broken spirit?

It's unlikely because these are not the qualities or behaviors

that people find attractive in a potential girlfriend or
boyfriend.

We find the exact opposite attractive... upbeat, friendly, and

motivated people are one's that we want to be with in a
romantic relationship.

But, in an anguished post break up mental state, we

 somehow convince ourselves that if we can make our ex
feel sorry enough for us they will want to get back together.
So, we may act sullen and depressed... wallowing (as
dramatically as possible) in our self pity. Or, we may act out
- getting very upset and behaving in ways we normally
wouldn't (often doing stupid things we regret later) - hoping
that our ex will realize just how much pain the break up is
causing us and how hard it is for us to live without them.

Basically, we do the opposite of what brought us together

with our girlfriend or boyfriend in the first place! While we
should be making ourselves more attractive, instead, we
pour all our energy into making ourselves unattractive.

If you take a step back and look at what is really

happening, it's easy to see that this isn't at all logical or
productive. Not only is it completely unnecessary to be self-
destructive to get back your ex, it hurts your chances of
ever getting them back. The more ridiculous you act, the
more sure they become they made the right decision by
leaving you.

We turn to desperate and counter productive approaches

like this when we feel we have no solid plan, viable
alternatives, or available options. The ExBACK plan should
provide you with an effective option so that you don’t have
to resort to any of these damaging tactics.

Mistake 3: Manipulation

Your goal in getting back your ex is to repair and regain a

relationship that is valuable to you. This may be an
admirable intention. But, admirable intentions do not justify
the use of any means necessary.

Using kids, money, sex, or any other kind of leverage

available to you to coerce your ex into coming back to you
is not only unkind, your ex will lose respect for you.
These tactics backfire much more often than they work.
Your ex is likely to see through what you are doing and only
resist your attempts with more resolve than ever before.
Their recognition that you are manipulating them will only
be another reason they don't want to be with you.

Even if you were successful at getting them back, the long

term consequences would not be favorable. Forcing
someone to do something creates resentment. Resentment
is relationship cancer.

Don't entice your ex by teasing them sexually hoping that if

they get frustrated enough they will sleep with you and then
you'll have leverage. Don't make them feel unnecessary
guilt about not being good enough parents to their kids just
so they will come over more often. Don't offer them money
hoping that they will become indebted to you. Don't get
together with another person and rub it in their face just to
make them feel jealous.

Manipulation, in any degree or to any extent, no matter how

small or insignificant, will create a tear in the relationship.

Avoid it altogether.

The kind of relationship that you want cannot be based on

underhanded, conniving tactics. Don't be so shortsighted
that you sacrifice what could be a healthy, long-lasting
relationship for your immediate gratification.

If you have been using a manipulative tactic you need to

spend some time examining yourself and your feelings for
your ex. How much do you really care about them if you are
willing to use such hostile and devious tricks on them?
Maybe they are better off without you if you don't care
about them enough to resist resorting to such unfairness.

Out of all the mistakes that someone can make when they
are getting back their ex this is probably the worst because
it reflects poorly on you as a person. I hope that if you've
been trying manipulation to get back your ex that you will
 instead take a look at what my book can offer you.

Mistake 4: Reasoning, Persuading, and Arguing

The other day I was reading an ad for that beautiful new

iPod I want to buy. You could say that I was reading it
because I was hoping it would convince me to finally plunk
down the cash... because I DO want that iPod in my hands.

I also read a somewhat negative review of the new iPod. I

already have an older iPod and I know that they are
spectacular products - easy to use, reliable, and very chic.

So, as I was reading this review and the author was picking
on so-called "flaws" I'm thinking to myself "Hmm, I never
had a problem with that," "There is a solution to that
problem, silly," and "You don't know what you are talking
about!" Basically, I was arguing with the reviewer in my
head.

My point (yes, I DO have a point) is this...

Words are persuasive when they are convincing us to do

something that we already want to do. We go along with it
without resisting. But, when words are trying to persuade
us to do something that we don't want to do, they can
actually make us more firm and confident in our decision
because they force us to come up with counter arguments.
In other words, they backfire.

Trying to convince your ex to get back together is trying to

get them to do something that they already decided they
don't want to do.

As you are saying...

"We were so good together. Do you really want to throw that

away?"

Your ex is thinking...
 "Yes, that's why I broke up with you. Things weren't that
great anyway. We were always fighting. I think I am better
off with someone else."

When you try to use persuasive arguments you force your

ex to come up with equally persuasive counter responses -
reasons why what you are saying is wrong and what they
are doing is right.

You are asking them to explain and justify their decision...

and in the process of doing that they are reinforcing the
idea, in their mind, that you SHOULDN'T get back together!

The more you push the deeper they have to dig their heels
into the ground to keep their footing. You are solidifying
rather than dissolving their justifications for the break up.

As with all the other common mistakes people make when

trying to get back together with their ex boyfriend or ex
girlfriend, people unintentionally hurt their chances of
getting back their ex.

It seems logical, it's very tempting, but remember: arguing

with your ex about why the two of your should get back
together is like trying to talk me out of a new iPod... it just
isn't going to happen.

Mistake 5: Reassurance You Have Changed

A person's habits and personality are relatively stable over

their lifetime.

We all know this. None of us expect someone to be a

completely different person with a different personality the
next time we see them. None of us expect to wake up in the
morning with different dreams, desires, and impulses. We
expect a person's behavior to be consistent with their past
behavior. And, based on experience, this is a reasonable
 expectation.

Who you are today is basically who you are going to be

tomorrow. Who you are this year will be very similar to who
you are next year.

Dramatic, lasting changes just don't usually happen outside

of Hollywood.

Telling your ex that you have changed and that "things will
be different this time" is asking them to believe something
that is intuitively untrue and contradicts their life
experiences.

You are saying "I've changed. I'm a different person and

things will be different now." But, the truth is you haven't
changed... you are saying that you are going to try to be a
different person in the *future*. You may honestly feel like
you are able to change your future behavior but that does
not mean you are a changed person. It's an important
distinction and one that your ex will automatically make as
soon as the words come out of your mouth. It's a promise
to be fulfilled at a later time, not something that has
already occured (like you are claiming).

It's not an effective approach to repairing your relationship

and getting back together with your ex. I wouldn't advise it
to anyone. It's a lame (though unconscious) attempt to
decieve you ex... and they will probably see through it.

Rather than telling your ex that you've changed it's much

more effective to SHOW THEM that you've changed. There
are very specific ways of doing that and I outline them
clearly in my book.

Mistake 6: Foolish Pride

There is a certain amount of implied insult in a break up.

The underlying message is "You are not good enough for
 me. I can do better."

Understandably, our egos and pride may not react well to

this covert message.

The mistake of pride is different than the other mistakes in

this series in that it is an error of omission as opposed to
commission.

The insulted is either unwilling to consider the possibility

that they should try to get back together or their pride may
keep them from taking the necessary steps.

They say to themselves "My ex hurt me and I should not

have to be the one to repair this... even though I want to be
with him/her again."

Their attitude toward the breakup precludes any reparative

action on their part. The steps they need to take to get back
their ex are prevented by a hostile and self-important
attitude.

The problem is that the relationship may have had value, it

may have been overall very healthy, and the best thing for
both partners, but they are unable to do anything about it
because of "foolish pride!"

One of the reasons pride gets in the way is because people

assume that they have to grovel, beg, apologize, or
somehow humiliate themselves in order to win back their
ex.

That is not the case! You should not do any of these things.
These things would not contribute to attraction - which is
the necessary ingredient in the recipe of getting back
together.

Mistake 7: Wishful Thinking

There is a saying that is often referenced in regard to break
ups:

"If you love something enough let it go free, if it doesn't

return it was never meant to be."

It's comforting to think that fate will somehow handle our

lives but let's be realistic... the fact is: your current
situation is due to cause and effect and your future situation
will be due to cause and effect. If you truly value your
relationship with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend and want
to get back together with them you are going to have to
"cause" it to happen.

If you decide to just wait and see if your ex changes their

mind you are taking a passive and lazy approach... one that
is not likely to work out in your favor. In order for your ex
to change their mind on their own they have to change their
mind about the reasons they had for the breakup. Barring
some kind of dramatic, paradigm shifting realization this
probably isn't going to happen.

A more proactive approach is for you to "cause" them to

change their mind about the reasons they had for the break
up. More precisely, you have to make yourself attractive
enough that the reasons for the breakup are unimportant.
Your role in "causing" this change in your ex's thinking is
still passive in a sense but that doesn't make it ineffective.

No, this does not involve stalking, arguing, or anything else

that would only cement the decision in your ex's mind.
Rather, this involves you working on who you are and
allowing your ex to realize, on their own, that you are a
different person than you were when you were together. If
they realize this they will be many more times more likely
to "give it another chance." Basically, by improving yourself
and making yourself more attractive you give them a
compelling reason to get back together... in spite of their
reasons for breaking up. This is the essence of the "How to
Get Back Your Ex" plan and the reason it works so well.