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CLASSIC CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be


recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls
people who are not afflicted with any church.
3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
the B.S. is done.
4. Evening massage – 6 p.m.
5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.
7. Low self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30
p.m. Please use the back door.
8. Ushers will eat late comers.
9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without
musical accomplishment.
10.For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have
a nursery downstairs.
11.The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.
12.The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
13.During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied
our pulpit.
14.Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning
service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible
Experience.”
15.Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will
be discontinued until further notice.
16.Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
17. The music for today’s service was all composed by George
Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his
birth.
18.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
19.The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in
the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
20.The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.
Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored
the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21.22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home
of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and
Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord knows Why.
22.A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23.Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a
full choir.
24.Hymn 43: “Great God, what do I see here?” Preacher: The Rev.
Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: “Hark! An awful voice is sounding”
25.On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS
GOOD, Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26.Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27.The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will hell May 10 and 11.
28.Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
29.[Don’t know what happened to this]
30.Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help.
31.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
32.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
33.Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk will please come early.
34.Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones
will sing “Put me in my Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
35.Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please
see the minister in his private study.
36.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
37.The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of
the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
38.Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on
the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
39.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
40.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
41.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What
is Hell?” Come early and listen to our Choir practice.
42.Weight watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
43.8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
44.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for
testes.
45.The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.
46.Please join us as we show our support of Amy and Alan who are
preparing for the girth of their first child.
47.The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6p.m. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a
nominal feel.
THE DRUNK PRIEST

A young man was just hired as a priest for a church. The new
priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly
speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the
Monsignor how he could relax.

The Monsignor said, "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka
in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go
smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice
and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. However, upon
returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

Next time, sip rather than gulp.


There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples not 10.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.
We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as
"J.C and the boys."
Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T."
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
"Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for
the grub, Yo God!"
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
Last, but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the
Cherry.
PROBLEMS?

Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight; Just remember


the homeless family who has no bed to lie in.

Should you find yourself stuck in traffic; don't despair. There


are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of
privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been
out of work for the last three months.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the


person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in
return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the


woman in some third world country, working twelve hours a day,
seven days a week, for $15.00 to feed her family.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from
assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the
opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the
cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering; what is life


all about, what is my purpose? Be thankful, there are those who
didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness,


ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be
worse. You could be them!!!

Should you feel depressed because of your weight; Remember, there


is no cure for AIDS.

Should you decide to send this to a friend; You might brighten


someone's day! 
A BIBLE FUNNY

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?


A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?


A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and
drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?


A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?


A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?


A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen
Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond
movement."

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?


A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?


A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain
struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and
the Angels were rained out.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of
Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after
they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no


longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window
to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2
stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a


slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?


A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?


A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in


the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?


A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?


A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but
he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of
the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?


A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's's court.

Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?


A. It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for
forty years.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?


A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?


A. He only had two worms!

Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark?


A. Because Noah sat on the deck.
TIPS FOR TODAY

Mend a quarrel
Seek out a forgotten friend
Give a soft answer
Encourage a young person
Keep a promise
Find the time . . . to read the BIBLE . . .
Listen
Learn to apologize
Forgive a wrong
Laugh a lot, Laugh
Give someone a big smile
At the end of the day-thank the LORD...
40 VALUABLE LESSONS

1. Relationships don't end, they change.


2. You CAN make a living doing what you love.
3. Never spend all the money you have. Save money and it saves
you.
4. In bad times everyone can't help you and in good times
everyone isn't happy for you. Learn how to discern and develop
true friends.
5. Don't make promises to your children you can't keep.
6. God is always listening, be careful with your inner self-talk.
7. People and creditors have long memories.
8. The past has passed, let go of the pain, nostalgia, woulda,
coulda, they shoulda
9. Practice everyday saying and/or doing something that is
loving, helpful and purposeful.
10.Being too dependent on others doesn't allow you to know your
own power to create what you need.
11.I am too blessed to be stressed, don't sweat the small stuff
12.Most people are not bad or mad, they are just sad and don't
know how to get the love and attention they deserve.
13.Everything you say and think has power to create it's
likeness.
14.Fear and procrastination are major enemies to success
15.God loves me
16.Don't ignore or mistreat people, everyone is important
17.Don't give up 5 minutes before your miracle
18.Good health is so valuable, fragile and a blessing. Drink a
lot of water.
19.Don't take everything so serious, have a sense of humor.
20.People like to help or do business with people they already
know, networking is critical. Meet and serve as many people as
you can.
21.You didn't die from your mistakes, but you may have to repeat
them, if you didn't learn the lesson.
22.We train other people how to treat us, self-esteem is NOT
selfish, it's necessary.
23.Stay away from negative, critical, judgmental, gossipy people.
24.Spend as much time as possible around nature and beautiful
environments.
25.Some things you can't learn in a book or from a parent,
teacher or pastor, you have to experience it for yourself.
26.Acknowledge your shortcomings and work to improve them.
Acknowledge your strengths, be humble but don't diminish or
deny them.
27.Stay focused to get a job done. Either do it, delegate it or
dump it.
28.I didn't die from the painful times in my life, they made me
stronger.
29.Don't let a fool kiss you. Don't let a kiss fool you. Kisses
aren't promises.
30.Have a life, don't depend on others to make you happy and
fulfilled.
31.Know that Jesus loves you.
32.Marriage and parenting are serious commitments, don't be in a
hurry.
33.Find ways to show appreciation to those you love and care
about, not just on holidays or birthdays.
34.Pay attention to details and keep good records.
35.Prayer changes things. Trust God's divine plan.
36.If you take it, return it.
If you break it, fix it.
If you know it, live it.
If you want it, ask for it.
If you use it, clean it.
If you wear it, hang it up.
If you made a mistake, take responsibility for it.
If you have some, share it.
If you own it, protect it.
If you love someone, show it.
If you believe it, you can achieve it.
37.Time is precious, live everyday to it's fullest, everyday is a
special occasion.
38.Learn to enjoy your own solitude.
39.People come into your life for a reason or a season. They
bring joy and lessons.
40.Always stay in the light in spite of any bad news or changes.
This positive attitude will help you stay in peace rather than
fall to pieces.
DEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).


2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an
Institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is
over, the strings are attached.
4. Marriage is an institution in which man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the woman gets the Masters.
5. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of rings:
a. the engagement ring
b. the wedding ring
c. the suffe - ring
d. the endu - ring
6. Marriage certificate is just another word for work permit.
7. Married life is full of excitement and frustrations:
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens.
- In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the
man listens.
- In the third year of marriage, both speak and the neighbors
listen.
8. They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it
is love; after marriage, it is self defense.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
10. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
11.It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
12.There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and
found himself married. A year later, he muttered something in
his sleep and found himself divorced.
ROMANCE VS. LOVE

Romance is flattering attention . . .


Love is genuine thoughtfulness.

Romance is suspense, anticipation, surprise . . .


Love is dependability.

Romance is tingling, excitement . . .


Love is tenderness, constance, being cherished.

Romance is delicious . . .
Love nourishes.

Romance can’t last . . .


Love can’t help it.

Romance is seeking perfection . . .


Love is forgiving faults.

Romance is fleeting . . .
Love is long.

Romance is the anguish of waiting for the phone to ring to bring


you a voice that will utter endearments . . .
Love is the anguish of waiting for a call that will assure you
someone else is happy and safe.

Romance is eager, striving always to appear attractive to each


other . . .
Love is two people who find beauty in each other no matter how
they look.

Romance is dancing in the moonlight, gazing deep into desired


eyes across a candlelit table . . .
Love is saying “You’re tired, honey, I’ll get up this time,” and
stumbling through the darkness to warm a bottle or to comfort a
frightened child.
HOW TRUE!

1. There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs.


–age 48
2. Goldfish don’t like Jell-O ---age 5
3. The best tranquilizer is a clear conscience ---age 76
4. One loss doesn’t make a season ---age 52
5. Children and grandparents are natural allies ---age 46
6. When people aim for what they want out of life, most aim too
low. ---age 76
7. Deciding whom you marry is the most important decision you’ll
ever make. ---age 95
8. Expensive silk ties are the only ones that attract spaghetti
sauce. ---age 44
9. Couples without children always know just how you should raise
yours. ---age 29
10. You can let bad times make you bitter – or better. ---age 75
11.There are four ages of man:
a. When you believe in Santa Claus
b. When you don’t believe in Santa Claus
c. When you are Santa Claus
d. When you look like Santa Claus. ---age 51
12. You can’t hide broccoli in your glass of milk. ---age 7
13. You can love four girls at the same time. ---age 9
14. Happiness is like perfume: you can’t give it away without
getting a little on yourself. ---age 59
15. The time to read instructions is before you put the swing set
together. ---age 32
16. A mule dressed in a tuxedo is still a mule. ---age 80
17. Money is a lousy means of keeping score. ---age 71
18. If I’m in trouble at school, I’m in more trouble at home. ---
age 11
19. Hotel mattresses are better on the side away from the
phone.--- age 50
20. You can’t hug your kids too much. ---age 54
“DO UNTO OTHERS . . .”

1. To have a friend, you must be a friend, starting with


yourself.
2. The greatest hunger a person has is to be needed. Help create
that feeling in others.
3. The greatest virtue is kindness. You can’t love everyone, but
you can be kind to everyone.
4. Don’t try to impress others. Let them have the fun of
impressing you.
5. Be enthusiastic. Nothing of consequence was ever achieved
without enthusiasm.
6. Be positive. Positive people attract others, while negative
people repel.
7. You have greater impact on others by the way you listen than
by the way you talk.
8. Gossip cheapens the one who gossips more than the one gossiped
about.
9. Call a person by his or her name and use it often in
conversation.
10.Communicate cheerfulness.
11.Differences are bound to occur and can be resolved if conflict
is managed in a polite manner.
12.If you are given to making fun of someone, be sure it is of
yourself.
13.Be genuinely interested in others. Get them to talk about
themselves.
14.A smile doesn’t cost anything and pays big dividends. Not
only does it make you feel good, but it makes everyone else
feel better too.
15.Be the first to say, “Hello! Good to see you.”
16.“Do unto others as you would have them do to unto you.” The
golden rule is where it all begins and ends.