You're Not Fooling Anyone When You Take Your Laptop to a Coffee Shop:

Scalzi on Writing

John Scalzi

Subterranean Press 2007 You're Not Fooling Anyone When You Take Your Laptop to a S#al$i on Writing opyright 2007 by %ohn S#al$i& All rights reser'e(& First )(ition *S+N ,0" ,-./000-001-2 *S+N ,1" /72-,-./000-001-2 Subterranean Press P3 +o4 ,/0,00 +urton5 6* 72.,/ 888&subterraneanpress&#o9

o!!ee Shop"

Intro uction! an Ca"eat #$ptor!

:i there& This is a book about 8riting& +ut; *t is not a book about how to 8rite& <o( kno8s there are enough books on that parti#ular sub=e#t5 not to 9ention #lasses an( 8orkshops an( Web sites an( publi# tele'ision sho8s5 an( the thought o! trying to #ra9 another one o! those books (o8n the gullet o! the publi# 9akes 9e 8ant to =a9 9y hea( into the nearest garbage (isposal& * barely kno8 ho8 I 8rite> trying to tell others ho8 they shoul( 8rite see9s !raught 8ith peril& 6y only real a('i#e to you in that regar( is to !in( a ni#e5 strenuous #o9position #lass so you (on't get trippe( up by the laughable 9ess that is )nglish language gra99ar5 an( then 8rite an( 8rite an( 8rite an( 8rite5 an( then 8rite so9e 9ore& That's 8hat 8orke( !or 9e5 so !ar as * #an tell& So there" i! you 8ere looking !or 9y a('i#e on ho8 to 8rite5 you're (one; That 8as easy& Set this book (o8n an( go about your li!e& * look !or8ar( to rea(ing your books& This is about e'erything else to (o 8ith 8riting5 !ro9 the business o! 8riting5 to the stupi( things 8riters (o to sabotage the9sel'es5 to ho8 8riters intera#t 8ith other 8riters5 to 'arious thoughts about the (i!!erent sorts o! 8riting out there& *n short5 it's about the 8riting life?or at the 'ery least5 my 8riting li!e5 8hi#h is the one * a9 9ost @uali!ie( to (is#uss& The essays you'll rea( in this book are entries that * ha'e 8ritten o'er a !i'e year perio( A!ro9 200, to early 2000B on 9y personal Web site5 the Whate'er Ahttp"CCs#al$i&#o9C8hate'erB& During this ti9e *''e 8ritten an(Cor publishe( an(Cor signe( #ontra#ts !or ten books5 8rote !or ne8spapers an( 9aga$ines5 8as pai( to blog an( 8rite online5 an( 8rote lots o! anony9ous but stupi(ly lu#rati'e #orporate 8ork& *t's been an interesting ti9e in 9y 8riting li!e5 an( through all o! it *''e been posting 9y thoughts about 8riting Aan( my 8ritingB online& Sin#e these entries are tie( in to 9y pro!essional 8riting li!e to a greater or lesser e4tent5 they ten( to be pra#ti#al-9in(e(> not so 9u#h about the art o! 8riting as the practice o! it& As * say a nu9ber o! pla#es in the book5 * lo'e 8riting but *'9 not espe#ially ro9anti# about it& *t's groo'y to talk about 8riting as this great thing5 but 9y 9ortgage is (ue at the !irst o! the 9onth5 an( paying that is a great thing5 too& This is o!!putting to so9e !olks> * totally un(erstan( that& This probably 8on't be your kin( o! book i! these pra#ti#al aspe#ts o! the 8riting li!e (on't hol( 9u#h interest to you& 3n the other han(5 i! you are intereste( in 8hat it's like to be a !ull-ti9e 8orking

8riter here in the !irst sli#e o! the t8enty-!irst #entury5 * think there'll be a lot !or you here& * (on't kno8 about anyone else 8ho 8rites !or a li'ing5 but *''e been ha'ing a hell o! a lot o! fun these last !e8 years (oing this =ob& *t's a goo( an( e4#iting ti9e to be a 8riter5 an( * think that #o9es through& At the 'ery least5 * guarantee you that i! * ha'e 9anage( to trans9it hal! o! 8hat being a 8riter is like these (ays5 you 8on't be bore( rea(ing this& EEE This book is organi$e( 'ery loosely into !our #hapters& The !irst #hapter is a#tual 8riting a('i#e5 be#ause e'en though this isn't a book on ho8 to 8rite5 i! you are 8riting5 there's lots to say about it& The se#on( #hapter is about the 8riting li!e?* 8rite a lot about 9oney there& The thir( #hapter is on 8riters5 an( 9ostly about 8riters (oing stupi( things& Think o! this #hapter largely as #autionary tales& The !inal #hapter is about s#ien#e !i#tion5 the genre in 8hi#h * 8rote al9ost all o! 9y !i#tion so !ar& Fea( it e'en i! you (on't rea( s#ien#e !i#tion> a lot o! 8hat's 8ritten about there is appli#able a#ross genres& The entries in these #hapters skip ba#k an( !orth a#ross ti9e?they're arrange( 9ostly !or !lo8 an( !or interest& Lots o! topi#s 8ill get e4plore( but * suspe#t so9e topi#s 8ill not al8ays be e4plore( to e'eryone's satis!a#tion?there's only so 9u#h spa#e an( so 9any things to #o'er& +ut * 8rite at the Whate'er on a #lose to (aily basis?i! there's so9ething about 8riting you'( like to ask 9e5 you #an al8ays (rop 9e an e-9ail A=ohnGs#al$i&#o9B an( 9aybe *'ll 8rite about it there& *! * get enough @uestions5 9aybe *'ll be able to #rank out a se@uel to this in 20,0& )'eryone 8ins& * hope you en=oy the book& Thanks !or rea(ing& ?%ohn S#al$i %anuary 275 2000&

%e icate to Laurence &c&illin' (ho i! not here to kno() An to %aniel &ainz' (ho i!*

C+A,T#- .N#: Writing A "ice' or' A"oi ing -eal Work The John Scalzi Way
* ha( the H*'9 gonna be a 8riterH epiphany 8hen * 8as in 9y !irst year in high s#hool5 an( reali$e( so9ething i9portant5 8hi#h 8as that !or 9e 8riting 8as easy 8hile e'erything else 8as a#tual 8ork& So9eone else 8ith 9ore personal !ortitu(e 9ight ha'e brushe( asi(e his or her li9itations an( (one so9ething else 8ith their li!e5 but as !or 9e * !ollo8e( the path o! least resistan#e an( be#a9e a 8riter& +e#ause5 9an5 *''e seen other people (o real 8ork5 an( * ha'e to say" real 8ork su#ks& +ut no85 ,. years into the 8hole H8riting #areerH thing5 *'9 here to tell you that * 8as #ruelly (e#ei'e( by 9y o8n atte9pts at sloth" Turns out 8riting?i! you a#tually 8ant to 9ake a li'ing !ro9 it5 an( * (o?really is a#tual 8ork& Naturally 8hen * (is#o'ere( this * 8as appalle( an( (is9aye(5 but sin#e at the ti9e * 8as too !ar into the 8riting hole to be @uali!ie( to (o any other sort o! 8ork that (i(n't in'ol'e a pri#e #he#k or rea(ing a tele9arketing s#ript A8hi#h is e'en more like real 8ork than 8hat * 8as (oingB5 * ha( no #hoi#e but to #ontinue & Fortunately5 o'erall things ha'e turne( out pretty 8ell !or 9e so !ar 8ith this 8riting thing *''e got going& +y the en( o! 2000 *'ll ha'e publishe( ele'en books5 !i#tion an( non-!i#tion both5 an( asi(e !ro9 that *'ll ha'e 8ritten =ust about e'ery sort o! #o99er#ial 8riting there is to 8rite sa'e !or a 9o'ie s#ript Athat's a spe#ial sort o! hellish en(ea'or * suspe#t * 8oul( nee( to start (rinking in or(er to #onte9plateB& So5 i! you're looking !or a('i#e on ho8 to break into :olly8oo(" Sorry& he#k 8ith Fobert 6#Iee& * hear he's goo(& +ut as !or the rest o! it5 here are 9y thoughts5 in a('i#e-like !or9?in(ee(5 9u#h o! this #hapter takes the !or9 o! nu9bere( lists an( bullet points5 8hi#h is your assuran#e o! @uality a('i#e& * suppose * #oul( ha'e gone 8hole hog an( 9a(e this entire #hapter a Po8erpoint presentation& +ut then so9eone 8oul( ha'e ha( to kill 9e& +esi(es5 *'ll sa'e that !or 9y series o! le#tures on 8riting at the Learning Anne4& You'll #o9e5 8on't youJ A#tually5 here's a (is#lai9er that you 8on't get !ro9 the 8riting guy (o8n at the Learning Anne4" With this a('i#e5 your 9ileage 9ay 'ary A* repeat this little ti(bit in the entries the9sel'esB& There are in !a#t 9any5 9any 8ays to ha'e a happy an( su##ess!ul 8riting #areer& This is ho8 * (i( it an( 8hat * re#o99en( others (o& So9e o! it 9ay 8ork

!or you& So9e o! it 9ay not& You're a s9art person> you kno8 8hat's going on in your li!e an( your #areer& Take the stu!! that's use!ul !or you an( use it& Ii#k the rest to the #urb& :ere 8e go&

John Scalzi'! /tterly /!ele!! Writing A "ice

0.cto1er 2334' an up ate !ince5

People are al8ays asking 9e !or a('i#e on ho8 to be#o9e a 8riter5 be#ause they assu9e Aha;B that * a9 a su##ess!ul 8riter& 6y psy#hologi#al an( egotisti#al nee(s being 8hat they are5 * 8on't argue this point& * a95 in !a#t5 a !airly su##ess!ul 8riter5 i! you (e!ine su##ess as H9aking a goo( li'ing (oing nothing but 8riting&H * (o 9ake a goo( li'ing> * (on't (o anything else !or a li'ing but 8rite& A*! you (e!ine su##ess as Hbeing Stephen Iing5H o! #ourse5 *'9 a 9iserable !reakin' !ailure& +ut let's not&B *''e been a pro!essional 8riter sin#e %une o! ,//05 8hen * got 9y !irst pai( 8riting =ob as an intern !or the San Diego Tribune5 8here * 8rote 9usi# an( #on#ert re'ie8s an( other entertain9ent pie#es& That 8as the su99er be!ore 9y senior year in #ollege> 8hen * got ba#k to #ollege5 * 8rote !reelan#e entertain9ent arti#les !or the Chicago SunTimes& A!ter #ollege5 * got?!ar 9ore through an a9a$ing stroke o! lu#k an( the !a#t that * 8as (irt #heap than by 9y o8n talents5 let's be #lear?a =ob as the 9o'ie #riti# !or the Fresno Bee& * (i( that !or !i'e years5 a!ter 8hi#h * =oine( A3L as its on-sta!! 8riter an( e(itor& A3L lai( 9e o!! in ,//2 Athis is a polite 8ay o! saying * 8as !ire(5 sin#e it 8as a layo!! o! oneB an( * be#a9e a !reelan#e 8riter& *''e been (oing this e'er sin#e& +eing a !reelan#e 8riter is interesting an( not really a goo( thing !or people 8ho (on't en=oy a per9anent sense o! pani#& +e that as it 9ay5 it's (one 'ery 8ell !or 9e both !inan#ially Aas a !reelan#er * 9ake a healthy 9ultiple o! 8hat * e'er 9a(e 8orking !ull-ti9e !or anyoneB an( #areer-8ise5 sin#e * no8 8rite !luently on @uite a nu9ber o! sub=e#ts5 in#lu(ing entertain9ent5 hu9or5 personal !inan#e5 online 9e(ia5 s#ien#e5 politi#s an( e'en !oo( an( gar(ening& * 8rite !or online #lients an( !or o!!line #lients& * #onsult 8ith 9arketing #o9panies on 8riting an( #reati'e issues5 an( ha'e 8orke( on 9arketing #a9paigns !or 'ery large #orporations an( !inan#ial institutions you''e (e!initely hear( o!& *''e ha( se'eral books publishe(5 #ontribute( to others an( ha'e 9ore in the pipeline5 an( * look !or8ar( to 8riting books o!! an( on !or the rest o! 9y pro!essional li!e&

*n short5 *''e rea#he( a point in 9y #areer 8here * (o !eel #on!i(ent about 9y ability to 9ake a li'ing 8riting5 an( * !eel #on!i(ent sharing so9e o! 9y thoughts an( e4perien#es on the 9atter& So& What !ollo8s is e4a#tly that" 9y thoughts on the 8riting li!e?largely !ro9 the !reelan#e 8riting perspe#ti'e?an( ho8 to li'e it& +ear in 9in( that these #o99ents are base( solely on 9y o8n thoughts an( e4perien#es an( 9ay not =ibe 8ith anything else you''e hear( any8here !ro9 anyone else& Also bear in 9in( that * 9ay be #o9pletely !ull o! #rap& 3n the other han(5 an( * say this as (ispassionately as possible5 * 9ake a buttloa( o! 9oney (oing 8hat * (o5 so * 9ust be (oing something right& *! you #an !igure out 8hat it is5 please be sure to tell 9e& ASo ho8 9u#h (o * a#tually 9akeJ *'9 not going to gi'e a (ollar a9ount& :o8e'er5 * 8ill say that the K,&0 trillion ta4 #ut an( ta4 rate !lattening <eorge W& +ush propose( at the beginning o! his a(9inistration 8oul( ha'e pro!ite( 9e so9e8hat 9ore than it 8oul( 9ost people& That shoul( gi'e you the ballpark range Ait's also not an en(orse9ent o! that parti#ular ta4 #ut5 in#i(entallyB&B This (o#u9ent is going to be in L M A !or9at5 8ith @uestions arrange( in the or(er they #o9e into 9y 9in(& There!ore there's a possibility this (o#u9ent 8ill be so9e8hat (is=ointe( an( ra9bling& These are the risks you take& +u#kle in& ,& * 8ant to be a 8riter& What (o * (oJ DN:& You 8rite5 (u99y& 2& No5 no& * 9ean5 * 8ant to 8rite pro!essionally& 3h5 8ell5 that's a totally (i!!erent thing& Let's be #lear& Anyone 8ho is e'en 9arginally literate #an be a 8riter?all it takes is the (esire to e4press yoursel! an( the 9eans to (o it& 3ne o! the !airly neat things about the online 9e(iu95 !or e4a9ple5 is that it allo8s people to easily e4press the9sel'es in 8riting to a bun#h o! other people5 in the !or9 o! online =ournals an( other su#h things& )'en those !olks 8ho (on't ha'e su#h e4hibitionist streaks #an still sit (o8n 8ith a paper =ournal or e'en =ust a #lean sheet o! paper an( 8rite out their thoughts& There is no great s#ien#e to being a 8riter> as * sai( earlier5 you si9ply 8rite& An( hope!ully you en=oy the pro#ess& Writing pro!essionally is so9ething else again& The 'ast 9a=ority o! the ti9e5 8hen you're 8riting pro!essionally5 you're not 8riting !or yoursel!5 you're 8riting !or an au(ien#e?spe#i!i#ally A9ost o! the ti9eB an e(itor 8ho is looking !or 8riting o! a #ertain nature or !un#tion5 an( in a 9ore general sense5 a larger rea(ership that is looking !or so9ething spe#i!i#" a te#hni#al (o#u9ent or a s#ien#e !i#tion story or a poe9 or a re#ipe or so9e eroti#a or a 9o'ie re'ie8 or an in'estigati'e report on tires or 8hate'er& You 9ay !ro9 ti9e to ti9e hear the line !ro9 8riting instru#tors that one shoul( al8ays 8rite !or one's sel!5 but * think that's =ust a loa( o! #rap 8hen it #o9es to 8riting !or 9oney& A lot o! ti9es 8hen it #o9es to pro!essional 8riting5 you 9ay be 8riting so9ething you ha'e absolutely no personal interest in 8hatsoe'er?you're 8riting 8hat you're 8riting !or so9eone else 8ho has a spe#i!i# nee( !or the #ontent you #reate& This is not to say you shoul(n't ha'e an interest in (oing a goo( =ob or #reating e9inently rea(able #ontent no 9atter 8hat the #onte4t& *t does 9ean that 8hen you are 8riting pro!essionally5 you nee( to be a8are o! 8ho your inten(e( au(ien#e is an( 8hat they're

looking !or& 3r5 to put it 9ore su##in#tly" Writing pro!essionally is a business& *! you 8ant to 8rite pro!essionally5 you ha'e to approa#h 8riting in a pro!essional 9anner?8hi#h is to say5 you ha'e to approa#h it 8ith the intent o! a#tually 9aking 9oney (oing it& This 9eans" 3ne" *t takes 8ork& Lots an( lots an( lots o! 8ork& T8o" So9eti9es5 8ork su#ks& Three" +ut you (o it any8ay be#ause that's your =ob& The pre'ious three rules5 in#i(entally5 8ork !or all 8riters5 8hether they 8rite on sta!! or 8rite !reelan#e& 1& +ut * (on't 8ant to 8rite stu!! * (on't 8ant to 8rite& Then (on't be#o9e a pro!essional 8riter& Ieep being a 8aiter or e4e#uti'e or stu(ent or bu9 or 8hate'er you (o no8 an( 8ork on the <reat A9eri#an No'el Aor anything else it is you 8ant to 8riteB on the 8eeken(s& There's no reason you #an't 8rite an( (o so9ething else that pays the bills at the sa9e ti9e A*'ll be #o9ing ba#k to this #on#ept 9ore than on#eB an( =ust 8rite 8hate'er you 8ant& That #ra#k about 8riting the <reat A9eri#an No'el on the 8eeken(s isn't really a #ra#k5 either5 sin#e that's e4a#tly ho8 * 8rote 9y !irst no'el& Writing on the 8eeken(s a#tually #an 8ork& 6y point is5 i! you =ust 8anna 8rite 8hat you =ust 8anna 8rite5 (on't 9ake 8riting your pro!ession?9ake it a si(e gig or an a'o#ation or a hobby& Nothing 8rong 8ith that5 honest& *! you 8ant to 9ake 8riting your pro!ession5 a##ept the !a#t that it's going to be easier to 9ake a li'ing as a 8riter i! you're open to (oing 8riting 8ork that isn't ro9anti# an( appealing an( e4#iting5 but nee(s to be (one any8ay5 an( nee(s to be (one to #ertain spe#i!i#ations that you 9ay not ha'e any personal interest in at all?i&e&5 a##ept that so9eti9es 8riting isn't this holy an( upli!ting thing 8e''e all hope( it 8oul( be5 but =ust a (a9ne( job& A##ept it5 (eal 8ith it5 an( (o it?an( (o a goo( =ob& Writers?pro!essional 8riters5 e'en?apparently ha'e a har( ti9e (ealing 8ith this& *'ll let you in on a se#ret" 3ne o! the pri9ary reasons * a9 as su##ess!ul as * ha'e been as a pro!essional 8riter is * (on't take 9y !rustrations out on 9y #lients an( e(itors& 6y #lients an( e(itors tell 9e that one o! the things they absolutely !reakin' hate about 8riters is that they'll ask a 8riter to (o so9ething in a #ertain 8ay5 an( the 8riter =ust 8on't listen& :e or she 8ill 8ant to (o it another 8ay5 an( 8ill then get all pissy an( 9oo(y 8hen they're tol( Hno&H +e#ause they're creative5 you see& They ha'e this vision& An( it shoul( be respected& No& No& o& Not that * 9in(5 o! #ourse& *t =ust 9eans 9ore 8ork !or 9e5 sin#e * listen to 9y #lients an( * ha'e no ego about the 8riting pro#ess?sa'e (oing the =ob that nee(s to be (one5 an( (oing it right an( @ui#kly& * let the #lient kno8 that * ha'e opinions5 an( * o!!er the9 i! they're intereste(5 but 8hen they're not5 * (on't take it personally& *t's a =ob& *t nee(s to be (one& Look& This isn't to say that you #an't get pro!essional 8ork only 8riting 8hat you 8ant5 an( that you #an't e'er get 8riting 8ork 8ithout sa#ri!i#ing this i(ea o! 8riting as a

sa#re( 9ission& People (o it& +ut typi#ally5 these people also eat a lot o! Top Fa9en5 espe#ially 8hen they're starting out& An( Top Fa9en su#ks a!ter the !i!th or si4th (ay Atrust 9eB& 6aking a li'ing 8riting 8ill be a lot easier i! you're rea(y to approa#h 8riting as a business rather than Aor at least in tan(e9 8ithB a li!e 9ission& Su!!ering !or one's art is all 'ery ro9anti#5 e4#ept 8hen it's a#tually happening to you& 7& You're =ust trying to s#are us all o!! o! 8riting& Yeah5 that!s it& No5 a#tually5 it is?in the sense that * think those 8ho 8ant to be 8riters shoul( ha'e no illusions about the #areer tra#k they 8ant to engage in& People 8ho aren't 8riters ten( to think that those o! us 8ho are5 are =ust !arting aroun( all (ay5 then bang out so9e te4t in !i!teen 9inutes an( then go out !or #o!!ee& 6aybe other 8riters (o that5 but * sure as hell (on't A!or one thing5 * (on't (rink #o!!eeB& * wor"5 (a9n it& * 8ork har(5 * 8ork a lot5 an( * (o a lot o! 8riting that's not typi#ally 8hat you'( #all H!un&H Yes5 it's 9y personal #hoi#e to (o it5 one that's not going to be right !or e'eryone& +ut the #o9pensation5 9onetarily an( in ter9s o! personal li!estyle5 is 8orth it& An( it's been 9y e4perien#e that those 8riters 8ho ha'e an outlook si9ilar to 9ine ten( to (o better Ai&e&5 9ake 9ore 9oneyB than those 8ho (on't& Take it or lea'e it& .& 3kay5 8e got it?8riting pro!essionally is en(less pain an( su!!ering& Well5 no& Sorry to soun( so stri(ent& Writing pro!essionally5 e'en at its 8orst5 still beats the hell out o! li!ting hea'y ob=e#ts o!! the ba#k o! a loa(ing (o#k !or K,0 an hour& Let's not ki( oursel'es5 here" *t's not a har( li!e5 relati'e to 8hat other people ha'e to (o& This is no (oubt part o! the reason so 9any people 8ant to be pro!essional 8riters& An( * (on't 8ant to gi'e the i9pression that * (on't en=oy 9ysel! 8riting pro!essionally& * like 9ost all the 8riting * get pai( to (o& So9e o! it is 9ore #reati'e than other parts o! it5 but 9ost o! it is interesting5 an( that 8hi#h is not isn't unbearable? in(ee( * !in( it rela4ing an( en=oyable be#ause the pro#ess o! 8riting it is interesting in itsel!& * like 9ost o! 9y #lients an( e(itors5 too& The 'ast 9a=ority o! the9 are nor9al5 reasonable people 8ho are =ust trying to (o their o8n =obs as best they #an& Work (oesn't ha'e to auto9ati#ally 9ean H(ru(geryH an( a Dilbert-like #orporate :ell 9entality& *t really is a 9atter o! ho8 you approa#h it& To su9 up this rather long-8in(e( portion" Writing pro!essionally is a#tual 8ork5 !or better an( 8orse& *! you #an a##ept this !a#t5 you'll be better o!! 9entally to (o 8ell as a pro!essional 8riter& 0& Fine& *'9 9entally prepare( !or being a pro!essional 8riter& No8 ho8 (o * (o itJ Well5 okay& Let 9e 9ake the !ollo8ing assu9ption here" That5 in !a#t5 you #an 8rite your 8ay out o! a paper bag& *! you're not sure you #an a#tually5 you kno85 write5 you ha'e no business trying to be a pro!essional 8riter?go pra#ti#e or take a #lass or (o 8hate'er that you nee( to (o so you !eel #o9!ortable a#tually putting your 8ork out there !or other people to see& This is not the (o#u9ent in 8hi#h * bolster your !ragile ego an( a!!ir9 your status as a real li'e 8riter& <o (eal 8ith that yoursel!& So9e8here else& Pre!erably a8ay !ro9 9e& *'9 also 9aking the !ollo8ing assu9ption" You're =ust starting out& +e#ause5 really5 i! you're alrea(y a pro!essional 8riter5 you kno8 all this stu!! by no8& FightJ #ight$ 3kay& Let's start 8ith beginning 8riter strategy nu9ber one5 8hi#h 8orks 8ell !or

e'eryone5 but espe#ially those 8ho 8ant to be !reelan#e 8riters" aB First5 buy a %riter!s &ar"et& This is your +ible5 Ioran an( Torah !ro9 no8 on& This book !eatures =ust about e'ery single 9arket !or 8riting that e4ists& bB Write an arti#le on 8hate'er you 8ant to 8rite about& #B 3pen up your %riter!s &ar"et' !in( a 9aga$ine or other 9arket that buys arti#les on the sub=e#t you''e 8ritten on5 !or9at your arti#le to that 9arket's spe#i!i#ations5 an( sen( it o!! 8ith a #o'er letter an( an SAS) Athe %riter!s &ar"et 8ill tell you ho8 to (o all thisB& (B Forget about the arti#le until it is either a##epte( or re=e#te(& eB Fepeat steps aB - (B ad infinitum( Alternately5 you #an s8it#h steps #B an( bB by !in(ing 9arkets that publish the sorts o! arti#les you 9ay be intereste( in 8riting5 an( then 8riting those arti#les a##or(ing to their spe#i!i#ations& *t's really up to you& The point is?start 8riting5 start sen(ing out arti#les5 an( keep at it& AYou #an gi'e your 9aterial a slightly better #han#e o! being a##epte( i! you at least initially 8rite arti#les on a sub=e#t you kno8 so9ething about> !or e4a9ple5 i! you're a 'eterinarian5 8rite arti#les about pets& *! you lo'e to knit5 8rite arti#les about knitting& *! you're an a##ountant5 8rite about #hanges in the ta4 la8s& An( so on&B A+ear in 9in( that so9e 9aga$ines an( sites pre!er to be @uerie( !irst?that is5 they 8ant a proposal !or an arti#le rather than an arti#le itsel!& This is not (i!!i#ult to (o5 an( again5 your %riter!s &ar"et #an sho8 you ho8 to (o this& *! a 9arket 8ants a @uery5 gi'e the9 a @uery?(on't annoy the9 by not paying attention to their re@uire9ents&B :ere's 8hy this approa#h is use!ul" First5 it gets you use( to 8riting on a regular basis& Se#on(5 it gets you use( to sen(ing out 9aterial an( #ontinuing to sen( it out Aan( sen(ing it out a##or(ing to spe#i!i#ations?(on't ignore this sin#e e(itors thro8 out anything that's not to !or9at spe#i!i#ations& No =oke& You 9ay think it (oesn't 9atter5 or that you're a spe#ial #ase5 but you kno8 8hatJ You're wrongB& Thir(5 on#e you''e starte( sen(ing out 8ork5 assu9ing you're not an entirely in#o9petent 8riter5 sooner or later so9eone is likely to a##ept so9ething5 an( you #an use that 8riting #lip to help you get 9ore 8ork& AWhat's beginning 8riter strategy nu9ber t8oJ Sho8 up at a lo#al ne8spaper Athat 8oul( be a (inky little paper5 not like the )os *ngeles Times i! you li'e in LAB an( o!!er your ser'i#es as a 8riter an( reporter5 #heap& They 9ay thro8 you so9e (e9eaning #rap no one else 8ants to tou#h an( gra(ually 9o'e you up !ro9 there& This te#hni@ue is use!ul i! you 8ant to 8ork as a =ournalist5 as it 8ill get you use( to ho8 a ne8sroo9 8orks5 8hat (ea(lines are all about5 an( 8hat sort o! #rap =ournalists ha'e to put up 8ith (ay in an( (ay out?8hi#h in#lu(es but is not li9ite( to ba( pay5 a shrinking 9arket an( the e'er-present spe#ter o! being bought-out5 repla#e(5 or shut (o8n& *t's a#tually a lot o! !un on#e you get use( to it&B No85 let's ans8er so9e @uestions here& 7& What i! * sen( so9ething out an( it gets re=e#te(J What (o you 9ean +if+$ Take this no8 an( engra'e this in your brain" )O)FY WF*T)F <)TS F)%) T)D& You 8ill be no (i!!erent&

The re=e#tion is not personal& Nnless he or she 9entions so9ething spe#i!i#ally about it5 the e(itor is not re=e#ting you as a hu9an being or your right to e4ist on this planet& :e or she is 9erely re=e#ting an arti#le you''e sub9itte(& That's all& That's it& *! you #an't han(le the i(ea o! re=e#tion5 you're really in the 8rong line o! 8ork& *t's =ust part o! the business& Arti#les get re=e#te( !or the !ollo8ing reasons" aB They're not suitable !or the 9aga$ine or site5 i&e&5 you (i(n't (o your ho9e8ork an( sub9itte( so9ething o!! topi# !or the 9aga$ine& This is a rookie error an( 8hy you shoul( buy an( a#tually rea( your %riter!s &ar"et5 you (u9bass& bB They're on topi#5 but not o! su!!i#ient @uality& #B They're on topi#5 an( o! su!!i#ient @uality5 but the 9aga$ine alrea(y re#ently ran so9ething like it or has another arti#le like it in the pipeline& This happens not in!re@uently& (B *t's on topi#5 o! su!!i#ient @uality5 an( the 9aga$ine hasn't run so9ething like it be!ore5 but the e(itor is si9ply a butthea( an( (oesn't 8ant to buy it& This also happens not in!re@uently& eB )'erything is per!e#t an( the e(itor lo'es it5 he or she =ust has no pla#e !or it right no8& When an arti#le is re=e#te( by an e(itor5 (on't assu9e it's #rap& %ust !in( another 9arket that a##epts arti#les along its line5 an( sen( it out again& An( 8hen it gets re=e#te( again5 sen( it out again& An( so on an( so on until either so9eone buys it or you run out o! pla#es to sen( it to& 3nly then (o you toss it out or put it asi(e to try again at so9e other ti9e& 2& Shoul( * sen( 9aterial out to the big5 big 9arkets5 e'en i! *'9 =ust getting starte(J * (on't see 8hy not& The 8orst they #an (o is say no5 an( i! they (on't say no5 you''e 9a(e a sale to a big 9arket?so9ething you #an use as a99o 8hen selling arti#les to other pla#es& An( the big 9arkets typi#ally pay better5 too5 so that's al8ays a bene!it& :o8e'er5 be a8are that the bigger an( better paying sites get #orrespon(ingly larger piles o! sub9issions5 so it's auto9ati#ally a lot tougher to pla#e 9aterial& Theoreti#ally 9any o! these 9arkets are open to beginning 8riters5 but there's a big (i!!eren#e bet8een theory an( pra#ti#e& Sen(ing an arti#le to big 9arkets 9ay (o nothing 9ore than keep you !ro9 sen(ing the arti#le so9e pla#e you 9ight a#tually ha'e a #han#e o! being a##epte(& You nee( to (e#i(e 8hether it's 8orth the ti9e& /& :ey5 an e(itor tells 9e that he'll a##ept 9y arti#le i! * 9ake a #ouple o! #hanges& What shoul( * (oJ DN:& 6ake the #hanges& An e(itor kno8s his 9aga$ine or site5 an( unless it (rasti#ally #hanges the thrust o! the story Ai&e&5 turns it !ro9 a positi'e to a negati'e re'ie85 !or e4a9ple5 or turns you !ro9 a #onser'ati'e to a !la9ing liberalB5 there's 'ery little point in being (i!!i#ult& This last pie#e o! a('i#e is a lot 9ore (i!!i#ult to take i! it's a #reati'e or !i#tion pie#e5 but su#k it up an( (eal 8ith it& Fe9e9ber" When you're 8riting pro!essionally5 you're 8riting !or an e(itor so9e8here along the line& )(itors e4ist Aso !ar as you kno8B to ask !or ran(o9 an( ine4pli#able #hanges to your 8ork5 an( in return5 they gi'e you 9oney&

That's the (rill& ,0& *''e sol( an arti#le; *''e sol( t8o; Shoul( * @uit 9y (ay =obJ :ell5 no& Don't be an ass& People 8ho 8ant to be 8riters look on their #urrent =obs like they're #haining the9 (o8n& *! only they #oul( break !ree o! these =obs; Then they #oul( 8rite all the ti9e; An( be !ree; 3h =oy; rap on a sti#k& Fa#t" 6ost people #oul(n't 8rite all the ti9e5 e'en i! they 8ere !ree to (o so& )'en !ull-ti9e 8riters Ai&e&5 reporters an( su#hB aren't 8riting e'ery single 9o9ent o! the 8ork (ay> they're (oing other stu!!5 in#lu(ing AyesB a'oi(ing 8riting? be#ause on#e 8riting is a#tual 8ork5 one (esires to run a8ay !ro9 it !ro9 ti9e to ti9e& * sure as hell (on't 8rite all the ti9e5 an( this is 9y (ay =ob& Another !a#t" 6ost 8riting pays !or #rap A9ore on this soonB& Luitting your (ay =ob to 8rite !ull ti9e5 espe#ially i! you're 8riting !reelan#e5 9eans you take a :N<) salary (rop5 no 9atter ho8 little you're 9aking no8& An( i! you're =ust starting o!!5 it's har( to 9ake sales?so you'll be (oubly s#re8e(& 6y suggestion" *! you're starting o!! as a !reelan#e 8riter5 (o it in your spare ti9e? a!ter 8ork an( on 8eeken(s& Don't (it#h your (ay =ob to be#o9e a 8riter> let your (ay =ob support you as you 8ork on per!e#ting your #ra!t& *t's a risk-!ree 8ay o! buil(ing that 8riting #areer Aalso5 i! the 8riting #areer (oesn't pan out5 you (on't ha'e to #o9e #ra8ling ba#k at re(u#e( pay an( statusB& 6ost beginning !reelan#ers (on't ha'e enough 8ork to keep the9 busy any8ay?they =ust spen( 9ost o! their ti9e 8orrying about ho8 the hell they're going to pay their bills& +ut5 * hear you say5 that's e4tra ti9e *'9 8orking; YeahJ SoJ *! you 8eren't 8orking on 8riting in the e'enings 8hat 8oul( you be (oingJ Wat#hing Friends5 or Survivor or playing 'i(eo ga9es or so9e #rap like that& Yeah5 you''e got the ti9e5 pal& You =ust ha'e to (e#i(e you 8ant to (o it& So5 8hen shoul( you @uit your (ay =obJ This is easy" You shoul( @uit your (ay =ob no earlier than 8hen the a9ount o! 9oney you regularly an( #onsistently 9ake !ro9 8riting e4#ee(s your #urrent (ay =ob in#o9e by 10P& That's right5 you ought to be 9aking more as a 8riter than you (o !ro9 your (ay =ob in or(er to @uit& WhyJ +e#ause the 9inute you @uit your (ay =ob5 you lose your e9ployee bene!its5 your 70,AkB5 an( your e9ployer #ontribution to your so#ial se#urity ta4es& You ha'e to pay !or all o! that yoursel! no8& The 9inute you be#o9e sel!-e9ploye( as a !reelan#er5 your ta4 bur(en =u9ps at least ,.P Asel!-e9ploy9ent ta45 (on't you kno8B5 an( you ha'e to !ile @uarterly& You ha'e to earn at least 10P 9ore than 8hat you 9ake !ro9 your (ay =ob in or(er to li'e like you (o o!! your (ay =ob in#o9e& This #an be a9eliorate( so9e8hat i! you ha'e a spouse or signi!i#ant other 8hose health insuran#e or bene!its you #an lat#h onto5 but no 9atter 8hat5 you're still taking a big hit& :ere's the (eal" Nnless you're 8orking at +urger Iing getting people their !ries5 you probably 8on't 9ake as 9u#h 8riting as you (o at your (ay =ob& So unless the thought o! #ontinuing 8ork at your (ay =ob !ills you 8ith su#h a sui#i(al horror that you 8ant to slit your 8rists the 9o9ent you slip into your #ubi#le5 (on't @uit& An( i! you (o @uit your (ay =ob5 think about getting a different (ay =ob that has all those #ushy bene!its an(

70,AkBs5 one that doesn!t 9ake you 8ant to per!orate your skull 8ith a po8er nailgun& Don't e'er @uit your (ay =ob unless not @uitting your (ay =ob starts #utting into your total in#o9e potential& Feally5 that's 8hat you shoul( #onsi(er& Fe9e9ber also that 9any !a9ous 8riters 8rote books an( #olu9ns an( 8hatnot 8hile hol(ing (o8n (ay =obs& <risha9 an( Iing ha( (ay =obs Ala8yer an( tea#her5 respe#ti'elyB& S#ott A(a9s kept his #ubi#le =ob until he 8as a 9illionaire& Walla#e Ste'ens5 a Pulit$er Pri$e-8inning poet an( 9y personal !a'orite e4a9ple o! (ay-=obness5 8as an insuran#e e4e#uti'e until the (ay he (ie(& An( so on& Day =obs (on't keep you !ro9 8riting& *n !a#t5 in a lot o! #ases5 a (ay =ob #an keep you 8riting5 buil(ing your #ra!t an( your #lip !ile 8hile keeping you an( your !a9ily !e(& <i'e it serious thought be!ore you let your (ay =ob go& ,,& What's this about 8riters being pai( !or #rapJ *t's the sa( truth& Typi#ally 8riters get pai( #rap !or their #ontributions to 9aga$ines an( 8eb sites& This is espe#ially true !or !reelan#ers Aa#tually5 salarie( 8riters5 on a per 8or( basis5 also (on't get pai( so hot& +ut they get (ental an( stu!!5 so that 9akes up !or itB& ra#k open your %riter!s &ar"et an( you'll noti#e that 9ost 9aga$ines pay 20 #ents a 8or( or less !or arti#les5 an( o!ten 9u#h less?an( i! you're 8riting !i#tion5 this pay s#ale (rops (ra9ati#ally& 3nline sites are e'en 9ore stingy> e'en top online sites like Salon pay only as 8ell as 9i(-range print 9aga$ines or ne8spapers A(on't e'en thin" o! selling !i#tion online !or a#tual 9oneyB& *! you're 8riting poetry5 you #an pretty 9u#h !orget e'er getting pai( 9ore than beer 9oney5 online or o!!& Yes5 there are a nu9ber o! 9aga$ines that pay K,C8or( or 9ore5 but Ano o!!enseB your #han#es o! getting into one o! the9 as a ne8 8riter are pretty (a9n sli9& 3kay5 but 8hat i! you get a =ob as a real-li!e reporter or =ournalistJ :eh& Starting =ournalist pay is in the lo8 20s5 an( that in#lu(es !or gra(s o! North8estern an( other prestigious =ournalis9 s#hools& That's as o! ,///5 an( trust 9e5 that nu9ber hasn't 9o'e( 9u#h !or years& * kno8 this be#ause 9y !irst !ull-ti9e =ob at the Fresno Bee pai( 9e K275000 in ,//,?an( that 8as so !ar (o8n the pay s#ale that on a 8eek-by-8eek basis5 they ha( su99er interns getting pai( 9ore than 9e the !irst year * 8as there& Also bear in 9in( that 9ost o! the HbestH starting salaries !or =ournalists #o9e at the larger papers?i! you're at a s9all lo#al (aily5 you #an e4pe#t rather substantially less& Fro9 lo8 beginnings5 =ournalis9 salaries rea#h?8ell5 not e4a#tly great heights& *! you 8ork in a large #ity an( you ha'e se'eral years o! e4perien#e un(er your belt5 you #an rea#h so9e8here in the K.0k to K20k range5 but again5 9ost =ournalists aren't 8orking in big #ity ne8sroo9s> their salaries are so9e8hat s9aller" in the 10s an( 70s !or longti9e 8riters& Again5 this ain't ba(5 espe#ially 8hen you !a#tor in bene!its5 but relati'e to other pro!essionals5 like la8yers an( (o#tors an( 6+As5 this is 9ani!estly lo8er& No85 there 8as a brie! shining 9o9ent 8hen online sites pushe( =ournalist salaries into the K20k an( K/0k range5 an( e'en starting 8riters 8ere 9aking K.0k& +ut then in'estors starting asking 8hen these sites 8ere going to start 9aking 9oney5 an( 8hen it be#a9e #lear they 8eren't5 all those ni#e =ournalists 8ith their ni#e sky-high salaries su((enly !oun( the9sel'es lai( o!!& You 8on't see those le'els again anyti9e soon&

:ere's a spot o! goo( ne8s" 3n#e you''e (one your ti9e an( (e'elope( a reputation as a really goo( 8riter5 you #an see your in#o9e go up?8ay up& Feally& +ut it (oes take ti9e5 you really (o ha'e to (o the 8ork5 an( you really (o ha'e be goo(& You also ha'e to 8ork like a (og& :o8e'er5 until su#h ti9e as that happens5 you'll nee( to resign yoursel! to lousy pay no 9atter ho8 you sli#e it& A+ear in 9in( that none o! this applies i! you 8rite !or the ,arvard )ampoon& *n that #ase5 you start 9aking K1005000 a year as a 8riter on so9e sit#o9 as soon as you gra(uate& That *'y League e(u#ation is paying o!!;B A:ey5 yeah5 * hear you say5 8hat about s#reen8riters an( TO 8ritersJ They get pai( a lot; Well5 yes5 so9e o! the9 (o?9ost o! the95 ho8e'er5 don!t& At all& An( unless you're alrea(y in :olly8oo(5 sli(ing your s#ript to a pro(u#er un(er a bathroo9 stall 8ith a 'ial o! #oke as a bribe5 you're probably alrea(y too late& Sorry&B Why is 8riter pay so lo8J Supply an( (e9an(& There are 9ore people 8ho are 8riters5 an( 8ho 8ant to be 8riters5 than there are 8riting slots to be !ille(5 either in ter9s o! arti#les or in ter9s o! sta!! positions& This is o! #ourse espe#ially true at the botto95 8here as a starting 8riter you 8ill be& Near the top5 as pre'iously 9entione(5 things #lear out a bit& +ut it's a long 8ay !ro9 botto9 to top& *n this regar(5 it shoul( be note(5 8riting is no (i!!erent than any other (esirable business !iel(5 although the entryle'el pay su#ks 9ore than 9ost& 3nly a#tors an( 9usi#ians get pai( less an( e4ploite( 9ore& There's also the 9atter o! the 8riter H9ysti@ueH 8hi#h 8orks to the (etri9ent o! 8riter's pay?si9ply put5 so 9any people are so (esperate to be able to #all the9sel'es H8ritersH that they're 8illing to put up 8ith lo8 pay or e'en no pay in or(er to ha'e that #o'ete( title& This is again (ue to the i(ea that being a 8riter 9eans you're part o! so9ething greater than yoursel!5 that it's a #alling5 that your 'oi#e is being hear( by the 9asses5 blah blah blah5 #rap #rap #rap& Sin#e you''e got a lot o! people 8ho are 8ritingpro!i#ient 8illing to put up 8ith lousy a8!ul terrible pay5 8riting pay re9ains terrible& +ear in 9in( that it's not only #on artists 8ho !ollo8 this theory" The ew -or" Times !a9ously pays a pittan#e to #ontributors to its op-e( pages5 on the theory5 presu9ably5 that they shoul( be honore( to appear in the pages an( sprea( their 9essage to the Worl('s 6ost Literate Au(ien#e& Yeah5 8hate'er& Again5 this is a #o9pelling reason not to @uit your (ay =ob5 sin#e 8hate'er (ay =ob it is al9ost #ertainly pays 9ore than you'll be able to 9ake !ro9 8riting !or the !irst !e8 years?e'en i! 8riting 8as the only thing you (i(& ,2& Well5 i! 8riters get pai( #rap5 ho8 #o9e you apparently 9ake so (a9n 9u#hJ You're not5 like5 famous or anything& )4#ellent @uestion& Feason Nu9ber 3ne" *''e been 8riting pro!essionally sin#e ,//0& Years o! 8riting (oes #ount !or so9ething& Also bear in 9in( that !or the !irst si4 years o! 8riting pro!essionally5 * 8asn't 9aking that 9u#h at all?a ne8spaper9an's salary (uring a re#ession Ait 8asn't ba(5 =ust not a lotB& A!ter that5 * bene!ite( to so9e e4tent !ro9 the 8age in!lation 8ithin the (ot#o9 in(ustry5 an( #urrently *'9 bene!iting !ro9 a (e#a(e's 8orth o! #onta#ts 8ithin the in(ustry an( a soli( tra#k re#or( o! output all that ti9e Ai&e5 *'9 not generally kno8n !or being a !laky5 te9pera9ental sort5 at least 8hen it #o9es to 8orkB& So there you ha'e it" Ti9e an( e!!ort #ount&

Feason Nu9ber T8o" As a 8riter5 *'9 'ery !le4ible" * ha'e signi!i#ant e4perien#e in a 8hole bun#h o! (i!!erent 8riting areas& Writing isn't =ust H8riting5H a!ter all?=ust as (o#tors or la8yers spe#iali$e5 so (o 9ost 8riters& This is generally an e4#ellent strategy5 but it's also 8orth your 8hile as a 8riter to e4pan( your rea#h on#e you''e (e'elope( a #ore #o9peten#e& *n 9y o8n #ase5 * starte( o!! 8riting entertain9ent an( hu9or5 8hi#h lea( to 9y position at A3L& While there5 * got e4perien#e 8riting on online issues an( also business-oriente( 8riting5 both in ter9s o! personal !inan#e an( in ter9s o! 9arketing& Those si(elines ha'e sin#e be#o9e an i9portant part o! 9y 8riting repertoire5 enough so that 8hile * a9 still a#ti'ely in'ol'e( in 8riting entertain9ent5 it's no8 9ore o! a si(eline to these other sorts o! 8riting& 6ore i9portantly5 *'9 still a((ing to 9y repertoire?* 8rote a book on astrono9y5 !or e4a9ple5 8hi#h 8ill a(( 9ore opportunities to 8rite in the area o! popular s#ien#e& This range is use!ul to ha'e5 be#ause 8hen one sort o! 8riting slo8s (o8n5 there are still opportunities to !in( 8ork in other areas& So as a 8riter5 !le4ibility helps @uite a bit& Feason Nu9ber Three" *'9 not a 8riting snob& * 8on't =ust 8rite #ertain types o! 8riting?*'9 a slut5 *'ll 8rite anything i! you pay 9e& This is relate( to being !le4ible5 @uite ob'iously5 an( it's also roote( in 9y (esire to try (i!!erent things& For e4a9ple5 so9e o! 9y 9ost pro!itable 8riting gigs in'ol'e 8riting 9arketing 9aterials& A !air nu9ber o! 8riters get snippy about 8riting 9arketing stu!!5 but you kno8 8hatJ * a#tually think it's kin( o! fun& *t's !un to try a ne8 9e(iu9 o! 8riting5 it's !un to set a goal an( try to hit it5 it's !un to learn ho8 this stu!! 8orks& An( o! #ourse5 8riting 9arketing 9aterial pays really 8ell5 so it's also !un to spen( the 9oney * 9ake o!! it& So9e 8riters 9ay hol( up their noses at 9y largely in(is#ri9inate 8riting pro#li'ities5 but that's !ine& 6ore 8ork !or 9e5 9ore 9oney !or 9y !a9ily& So i! you 8ant to 9ake 8hat * 9ake?(o your ti9e5 learn to 8rite a lot o! (i!!erent things5 an( (on't turn (o8n 8ork =ust be#ause it's not H#ool&H See ho8 easy it #an beJ A*roni#ally5 e'en H!a9ousH 8riters (on't 9ake tons o! #ash& Sure5 you''e got Iing an( <risha9 an( Fi#e an( so on5 an( there's a ni#e patri#ian #lass o! opinion #olu9nists an( 8hat ha'e you 8ho are so#king the bu#ks a8ay& +ut that's the top ,P& +elo8 that the upper ranks are #o9!y but not #ushy& )'en lo8er-rung best-selling authors aren't notably ri#h?8hen your royalty rate is ,0P or less5 you ha'e to sell a lot o! books to see any real 9oney at all Atrust 9e on thisB& Well-kno8n national #olu9nists5 8hile 9aking 9ore than the a'erage %oe 8riter5 (on't get pai( e4#essi'ely either" high !i'e !igures or 'ery lo8 si4 !igures& You #an ha'e a ni#e in#o9e i! you're a 8riter Ae'entuallyB5 but i! you 8ant to be really super (uper ultra ri#h5 you 9ight 8ant to try being !a9ous in so9e other line o! 8ork&B ,1& Don't you 8orry you'll spen( so 9u#h ti9e 8riting !or others that you'll ne'er 8rite the stu!! you 8ant to 8rite !or yoursel!J )'ery no8 an( then5 sure& An( to be 'ery #lear5 * (o think it's e.tremely i9portant !or 8riters to 9ake sure they (o so9e 8riting that's a#tually i9portant to the9& +e#ause i! all you (o is 8rite !or other people5 you'll probably be#o9e #rabbe( an( irritable an( no (a9ne( !un to be aroun(& Writing 8hat one en=oys keeps one 9entally !resh?an( it's !un besi(es& The i9portant thing is to !in( the balan#e o! 8riting !or 8ork an( 8riting !or one's o8n

personal en=oy9ent5 an( it's so9ething that #an take so9e ti9e to !igure out& ertainly *'9 guilty !ro9 ti9e to ti9e o! piling so 9u#h 8ork on 9y plate that * (on't ha'e ti9e !or !un 8riting5 an( 8hen that happens * en( up !eeling 9o(erately 9iserable until *'9 in a pla#e 8here *''e got all that 8ork #leare( out Aon the other han(5 i! * (i(n't ha'e pai( 8riting 8ork to (o5 you #an bet *'( be pretty (a9ne( 9iserable then5 tooB& *n 9y o8n personal e4perien#e5 *''e !oun( that *'9 happiest 8hen * ha'e a healthy a9ount o! pai( 8ork an( a #ouple hours a (ay to (o personal 8riting& The reason !or this is * ten( to be H#reati'eH a #ouple o! hours a (ay5 a!ter 8hi#h point 9y brain nee(s so9e ti9e to rest5 re#harge an( think about 8hate'er it is *'9 8riting #reati'ely& So !or the rest o! the (ay5 * (o 9y pai( 8ork& The t8o (on't inter!ere 8ith ea#h other5 an( in(ee( #an #o9ple9ent ea#h other5 8ith 8hat *'9 (oing #reati'ely #ausing 9e to approa#h 9y pai( 8ork !ro9 a slightly (i!!erent perspe#ti'e an( 'i#e-'ersa& An( o! #ourse5 9u#h o! your HpersonalH 8riting #an also ha'e pro!essional goals?i! you're 8riting a no'el5 !or e4a9ple5 you'll probably 8ant to try to sell it a!ter you're (one& Your ratio o! pro!essional to personal 8ork an( the set up o! ho8 you 8rite both 8ill be (i!!erent then 9ine5 ob'iously& You'll !igure it out e'entually& *n the 9eanti9e5 * 8oul(n't a('ise obsessing about 8hether you're losing your soul by 8riting too 9u#h stu!! !or other people an( not enough !or yoursel!& When it #o9es right (o8n to it5 i! you really 8ant to 9ake the ti9e !or personal 8riting5 you'll (o it& ,7& *s there anything you 8oul(n't 8rite !or 9oneyJ You bet& * 8oul(n't e'er 8rite 9arketing 9aterial !or a pro(u#t * !oun( 9orally @uestionable5 so5 !or e4a9ple5 no s8eet ri#h #igarette 9oney !or 9e& * 8oul(n't 8rite anything #ounter to 9y o8n politi#al or personal ethi#s5 so this 9eans you 8on't see 9e 8riting (ire#t 9ail !or #onser'ati'e politi#ians5 8arning their #onstituents about the e'ils o!5 say5 gay 9arriage or pro-#hoi#ers& * 8on't 8rite in a 9e(iu9 that * !in( personally o!!ensi'e5 8hi#h 9eans you are unlikely to !in( 9e 8riting unsoli#ite( e-9ail 9arketing pie#es& *'9 unlikely to 8rite porn5 be#ause * #oul(n't 8rite it 8ithout busting up& * 8oul(n't 8rite anything that * !elt * #learly la#ke( the kno8le(ge base !or or5 alternately5 !elt * 8oul(n't be able to pi#k up @ui#kly enough to turn out a reasonable pro(u#t& So there goes 9y #areer 8riting about #ri#ket& +ear in 9in( that * say this !eeling relati'ely #o9!ortable that saying HnoH to any o! these sorts o! 8riting 8oul( not i9pa#t 9y o'erall ability to 9ake a li'ing an( pay 9y bills& *! * 8ere a beginning 8riter an( 8riting an unsoli#ite( e-9ail 9arketing pie#e 9eant the (i!!eren#e bet8een eating Top Fa9en or eating real !oo( !or a #hange5 * 9ight #a'e& +ut in a general sense5 li!e's too short to (o things that 9ake you !eel (irty or 'aguely asha9e( o! yoursel!& There are other 8ays to 9ake 9oney& ,.& :ey5 you 9entione( earlier that you ha( #onta#ts in the in(ustry& :o8 (i( you get the9J An( 9ore to the point5 ho8 #an I get the9J H onta#tsH is a ter9 8hi#h #alls into 9in( sha(o8y types that ha'e 9ysti#al po8ers to get you 8riting gigs an( hot (ates 8ith super9o(els& *t's not like that all5 espe#ially the part about the hot (ates& 6y #onta#ts are =ust all the people *''e 9et along the 8ay& 6ost o! these people * 9et 8hen both they an( * 8ere younger an( in positions !ar less a('antageous than the ones 8e're both in no8& 3'er ti9e5 people 9o'e up5 an( they re9e9ber people they''e 8orke( 8ith be!ore& That's pretty 9u#h ho8 it 8orks& *! you're intereste( in #ulti'ating #onta#ts o! your o8n !or !un an( pro!it5 here's 8hat

you (o" +e ni#e to e'eryone& Feally5 that's the best 8ay to (o it& When you 8ork 8ith so9eone5 help the9 (o their =ob Ausually this is a##o9plishe( si9ply by (oing your o8n =ob in a #o9petent 9annerB& Don't a(opt a superior attitu(e to anyone?you'll be surprise( ho8 @ui#kly to(ay's peon be#o9es to9orro8's boss Aan( ho8 long their 9e9ories areB& Thank people 8hen they're help!ul& +e use!ul& Don't talk about the9 behin( their ba#ks& Don't stab the9 in the ba#k& *! you think so9eone is goo( at his or her =ob an( you're in a position to help the9 a('an#e5 (o it& People (o re9e9ber those 8ho ha'e (one 8ell by the95 both pro!essionally an( personally& +eing a (e#ent hu9an being pays o!!& +eing ni#e5 in#i(entally5 is not the sa9e as being an ass-kissing yes-9an& *nsin#erity has a pungent sten#h that 8ill hang about you all your #areer5 so be #are!ul about using it& 3ne #an be generally ni#e an( still not roll o'er an( take it up the 8a$oo !ro9 so9e #rap-!linging 9onkey o! a #o8orker or e(itor& Felate( to this5 you shoul( ha'e a #ertain line beyon( 8hi#h you 8ill take no 9ore #rap !ro9 anyone5 nor let anyone take a((itional a('antage o! you& This line is use!ul !or one's sel!-respe#t an( one's ability to (o 8ork& No =ob in the 8orl( is 8orth taking 9ore than one's !air share o! #rap& :o8e'er5 9y e4perien#e has been that 9ost people are in !a#t nor9al !olks =ust trying to (o their =ob& *! you help the9 (o it5 an( (o so in a pleasant5 pro!essional an( engaging 8ay5 it'll pay (i'i(en(s& AAlso re9e9ber that being the ni#est person in the 8orl( 8on't 9ean a thing i! you #an't5 you kno85 a#tually do the =ob& So 8ork on your pro!essional #hops !irst5 an( on being ni#e se#on(&B ,0& * ha'e no #onta#ts; * kno8 no one; What shoul( * (oJ Please re!er to beginning 8riter strategy nu9ber one ba#k at @uestion nu9ber si4& Look5 people5 not ha'ing #onta#ts (oesn't 9ean you'll ne'er get 8ork& * (i(n't kno8 anyone at the !irst !our 9a=or 8riting gigs * ha(> the only thing * ha( going !or 9e 8as the 8ork * 8as able to sho8 the9& %or" counts& *t #ounts at least as 9u#h as #onta#ts5 espe#ially at the beginning& ,7& What (o you think about 8riter's unions5 asso#iations an( #on'entionsJ *'9 o!!i#ially neutral on the9& * think they #an be 'ery use!ul !or ne8 8riters in learning 9any o! the groun( rules o! 8riting as a #areer5 an( #an be espe#ially help!ul 8hen legal or #ontra#tual 9atters #rop up& Lo#al 8riter asso#iations are use!ul as so#ial an( pro!essional entities as 8ell& A((itionally5 9any national an( lo#al 8riters unions an( asso#iations o!!er use!ul bene!its to 9e9bers5 su#h as health insuran#e& This alone #an 9ake =oining a 'ery goo( thing !or !reelan#e 8riters& :o8e'er5 personally speaking5 *''e !oun( 'ery little use !or the9& For 8hate'er reason5 *''e ha( 'ery !e8 proble9s negotiating #ontra#ts on 9y o8n or !in(ing suitable 8ork5 both as a !ull-ti9e salarie( 8orker an( a !ull-ti9e !reelan#er5 an( *''e not ha( proble9s 9eeting an( #ulti'ating #onta#ts& Writing #on'entions an( se9inars ha'en't been 'ery use!ul to 9e> typi#ally * !in( a 9u#h 9ore use!ul e4perien#e is si9ply to go out an( get the a#tual pro!essional e4perien#e in 8hate'er !iel( *'9 #urious about& An( also5 *'9 #heap an( * re!use to spen( 9oney !or (ues unless * !eel *'9 personally going to re#ei'e a (ire#t net bene!it& While *'9 politi#ally pro-union in a general sense5 on a personal le'el *'9 apparently not at all& The abo'e shoul( be rea( 8ith the un(erstan(ing that * a9 e4#eptionally egotisti#al

an( #on!i(ent in 9y abilities to the point o! being irritating to other 8riters5 an( also that * ten( not to be a H=oinerH o! organi$e( groups& The only 8riting organi$ation * ha( any a9bition to =oin is the S#ien#e Fi#tion an( Fantasy Writers o! A9eri#a5 o! 8hi#h * a9 no8 a 9e9ber& * (i(n't a#tually e4pe#t it to (o anything !or 9e 8hen * =oine(5 an( to that e4tent * ha'e been not at all (isappointe( 8ith its per!or9an#e& * get to 'ote on the Nebula a8ar(s5 though5 an( that's ni#e& So" *! you think it's going to be use!ul to you5 =oin a 8riter's union& * personally ha'e not !oun( the9 use!ul5 but that's not the sa9e thing as saying you 8on't !in( the9 so& ,2& You 8rite online an( o!!line& What are the (i!!eren#es bet8een the9J There are none& *'9 serious& A lot o! people talk about ho8 (i!!erent the t8o 9e(iu9s are5 but it's 9ostly 8ish!ul thinking& 3nline 8riting ten(s to be shorter5 an( it has the ability to take a('antage o! hyperlinking5 8hi#h print #annot& +ut that's it5 an(5 in both o! these #ases5 it's not a har( an( !ast rule5 sin#e *''e rea( lots o! Web 8riting 8hi#h is not notably short5 an( a lot o! arti#les that (i( not in#lu(e hyperlinks& Lots o! 8riters 8ho 8ork online also learn :T6L or other 8eb-base( presentation syste9s5 but that's not (ire#tly relate( to 8riting per se& 3ne #an get along per!e#tly 8ell 8ithout learning it5 espe#ially these (ays5 8hen 8or( pro#essing progra9s #an !or9at your te4t as a Web page !or you& *n both the online an( o!!line 9e(iu9s5 you ulti9ately ha'e to (o the sa9e things? you ha'e to 8rite #oherently an( intelligently5 an( you ha'e to 9ake your e(itor happy& *! you #an 8rite in one 9e(iu95 you kno8 /.P per#ent o! 8hat you nee( to kno8 to 8ork in the other5 an( 8hat little there is that is (i!!erent is not (i!!i#ult to learn& A nu9ber o! 8riters * kno8 see9 to pre!er to 8ork in only one 9e(iu9 an( not the other& * think that's kin( o! (u9b& *nas9u#h as there's no real skill set (i!!eren#e bet8een t8o5 8hy not 8rite in bothJ Woo(y Allen on#e =oke( that the great thing about being bise4ual is that it (ouble( your #han#es o! a (ate on Satur(ay night> the sa9e thinking applies to o!!line an( online 8riting& urrently A200,B5 9y in#o9e is (eri'e( 7.P !ro9 online 8ork5 2.P !ro9 o!!line& *'9 not 8illing to #hop o!! a @uarter o! 9y in#o9e Aor three @uarters5 i! * go the other 8ayB in so9e 9isgui(e( belie! that one nee(s to #on#entrate on one 9e(iu9 rather than the other& AWhy is 9y in#o9e 9a=ority online5 you askJ *t's si9ple?*'9 la$y5 an( online 8ork is easier !or 9e to !in(5 thanks to #onta#ts an( online =ob banks& :o8e'er5 8ere the online 8orl( to 'apori$e to9orro85 * (on't ha'e any (oubt * #oul( begin buil(ing up 9y in#o9e 8riting o!!line5 using 8riting skills an( e4perien#es * #ulti'ate( in 9y online 8riting&B ,/& Do * ha'e to go to Ne8 York or so9e other large #ity to 8riteJ That's 8here 9ost o! the 8riting opportunities see9 to be lo#ate(& 3h5 * (on't kno8 about that& ertainly the highest-pro!ile 9aga$ines an( 8riting outlets are in Ne8 York an( other large #ities& +ut 9aga$ines are lo#ate( all o'er the 9ap& An( unless you're sub9itting to a region-oriente( 9aga$ine or 8ant to 8ork !or a lo#al ne8spaper5 you typi#ally (on't ha'e to li'e 8here the 8riting 9arket is lo#ate(& Yes5 there's so9ething to be sai( about being able to ha'e !a#e ti9e 8ith e(itors an( 9aga$ine an( ne8spaper sta!!s5 but it's not absolutely essential& * think you shoul( 9o'e to a large #ity to 8rite i! you a#tually 8ant to 9o'e to a large #ity5 perio(& *! not5 (on't& Li'ing in one parti#ular pla#e to 8rite is be#o9ing less

ne#essary5 espe#ially no8 that the online 8orl( 9eans people are =ust an e-9ail or instant 9essage a8ay !ro9 ea#h other& * speak about this 8ith so9e e4perien#e> * #urrently li'e in a (inky little to8n on the !ar 8estern e(ge o! 3hio #alle( +ra(!or(? population =ust un(er 25000& When * 9o'e( here * 8as 8orrie( that li'ing here 8oul( ha'e so9e i9pa#t on 9y ability to get 8ork5 but it really hasn't at all& * 9ay be lu#ky in this regar(5 but * think anyone 8ho is #o99itte( to !in(ing 8riting 8ork these (ays #an !in( it no 9atter 8here they li'e& No85 i! * 8ere 2, an( =ust starting out5 *'( 9u#h rather li'e in Ne8 York than +ra(!or(5 3hio& 3h& 6Y& /od& There's no (ebate on this& +ut no8 *'9 in 9y thirties an( * ha'e a !a9ily5 *'( rather li'e here& * ha'e a bran(-ne8 7-be(roo9 house on !i'e a#res o! lan(5 an( 8hat * pay 9onthly on the 9ortgage 8oul(n't e'en get 9e a #rappy onebe(roo9 in 6anhattan& 6y ki( gets to play in a yar( the si$e o! a Ne8 York #ity blo#k5 8hi#h A!or 9e5 at leastB see9s like a better i(ea than her a#tually playing on a Ne8 York #ity blo#k& No o!!ense to Ne8 Yorkers& Point here" You #an 8rite !ro9 any8here5 espe#ially these (ays& So li'e 8here you 8ant& 20& *'9 a #ollege stu(ent 8ho 8ants to gro8 up to be a 8riter& What #lasses shoul( * takeJ Take 8hate'er you 8ant& *! you kno8 you 8ant to be a 8riter5 then you'll probably 8rite at e'ery opportunity any8ay> taking #lasses on ho8 to 8rite is o! se#on(ary utility to a#tually 8riting& <i'en the #hoi#e bet8een a #lass on 8riting an(5 say 8riting !or the #ollege ne8spaper5 *'( suggest 8riting !or the #ollege ne8spaper an( !reeing up that #lass ti9e !or so9ething else& Pro!essors an( other 8riting tea#hers 9ay (isagree5 but you kno8 8hatJ * 9ake 9ore than al9ost all o! the9& Who are you going to belie'e& No85 i! you ha'e no #lue ho8 to put a senten#e together5 best hie yoursel! to a 8riting #lass5 an( that (a9ne( @ui#k& +ut 9ost people 8ho really 8ant to 8rite ten( to ha'e that bit (o8n& Far 9ore i9portant than sitting aroun( (is#ussing your 8riting @uirks 8ith other stu(ents is a#tually learning as 9u#h as you #an about as 9any things as you #an& WhyJ +e#ause ha'ing a 8i(e range o! kno8le(ge 9akes you a better 8riter?it 9akes you 9ore able to 8rite about a nu9ber o! topi#s5 an( it allo8s you to 9ake #onne#tions bet8een (isparate !iel(s o! kno8le(ge an( thus un#o'er ne8 i(eas A8hi#h you #an then 8rite aboutB& *t also 9akes you look 9ore intelligent to the 9enC8o9en you 8ant to i9press& +ut 9ost o! all5 learning about a bun#h o! (i!!erent things tea#hes you ho8 to learn?an utterly in'aluable skill 8hen it #o9es to 8riting5 8hi#h o!ten re@uires a lot o! resear#h an(Cor the ability to @ui#kly learn stu!! about a sub=e#t as you go along& 3ne o! the things that they ne'er tell you in high s#hool is that your un(ergra(uate #ollege (egree (oesn't #ount !or a 8hole hell o! a lot?i! you're going to be a pro!essional 8orker o! any sort5 you typi#ally (o 9ore 8ork on the sub=e#t in gra(uate s#hool5 an( these gra( s#hools like to ha'e a ni#e range o! stu(ents& This is 8hy you'll o!ten see )nglish un(er-gra(s in 6+A progra9s an( biology 9a=ors in la8 s#hool& *! you 8ant to pursue 8riting on an a#a(e9i# le'el?8hi#h really is optional !or a pro!essional 8riting #areer an( not at all ne#essary i! you a#tually go an( (o real 8riting !or real 9aga$ines an( ne8spapers an( su#h like Aahe9B * (i(?there are se'eral 'ery goo(

gra(uate 8riting progra9s5 an( o! #ourse tons o! =ournalis9 s#hools& All o! these take stu(ents 8ho ha'e all sorts o! un(ergra( 9a=ors& Worry about it then?an( in the 9eanti9e use your un(ergra(uate years to learn a lot about a lot& *t'll pay o!! in the long run& A6y 9a=orJ Philosophy& :a'e * e'er use( it pro!essionallyJ Yeah5 right&B 3kay5 *'9 (one talking no8&

#"en &ore Long6Win e 07ut ,ractical5 Writing A "ice

0&arch 48' 23395

For 'arious reasons 8hi#h * 8ill not go into at the 9o9ent be#ause * (on't !eel like it5 * ha'e the urge to pro'i(e 8holly unsoli#ite( but pra#ti#al a('i#e to 8riters& So here it is& Why shoul( you as a 8riter listen to 9y a('i#eJ No reason e4#ept that * publishe( t8o books last year5 8ill publish t8o books this year an( a9 likely to publish another #ouple o! books ne4t year5 an( asi(e !ro9 that * 9ake a 8hole lot o! 9oney (oing 8hat * (o& 3n the other han(5 * a9 also !a9ously a #ranky blo8har( 8ho rea(ily a(9its to ha'ing his hea( up his ass a lot o! the ti9e& So take it or lea'e it& ,& Yes5 you're a great 8riter& So 8hat& Let's be #lear on this5 so there's no #on!usion on that 9atter" no one #ares that you're totally the best 8riter e'er& They =ust (on't& +e#ause 8hile people 8ant their 8riters to be 9any things5 Hthe bestH isn't usually one o! those things& Fea(ers 8ant you to be entertaining& )(itors 8ant you to ha'e #o99er#ial appeal an( not be a pain in the ass to line e(it& Publishers 8ant you to !ill a hole in their pro(u#tion s#he(ule& +ook stores 8ant you to sti9ulate !oot tra!!i# in their store& None o! that inherently has anything to (o 8ith being a great 8riter& *! you #an (o one or 9ore o! these things an( be a great 8riter5 ni!ty& *! being a great 8riter keeps you !ro9 (oing these things5 8ell5 pal5 e4pe#t to be (eeply un(erappre#iate( in your ti9e& So9e8hat relate( to this" 2& * (on't #are i! you're a better 8riter than me& +e#ause 8hy shoul( *J Yes5 8or(s (rip !ro9 your pen like li@ui( gol( skittering a#ross the !inest 'ellu9 e'er poun(e( out o! a la9b& Trees 8eep 8ith gratitu(e that their (eaths a!!or( you the paper upon 8hi#h you 8ill #ast your thoughts& That's very ni#e !or you& 6ean8hile5 *''e got 9y o8n books to 8rite5 pro=e#ts to (e'elop an( #lients to 9ake happy& Your preternatural ability to 8ea'e !iligree( 9usings into (eathless prose i9pa#ts 9y li!e not at all& * o! #ourse a##ept your superiority to 9e in the great hierar#hy o! 8riters?#learly5 #on!ronte( 8ith your brillian#e5 ho8 #oul( * notJ * =ust (on't care& Nnless you inten( to

spen( all your ti9e trying to th8art 9y #areer be#ause you #an't bear to #onte9plate 9y 9u((y 8ork sullying the !iel( o! en(ea'or o'er 8hi#h you !loat5 #arrie( by the angels5 si9ply as a practical 9atter 8hat you (o an( 8hat * (o 8ill ha'e 'ery little to (o 8ith ea#h other& * suspe#t 9y !eeling here 8ill be e#hoe( by other 8riters& +e as brilliant as you 8ant to be5 !rien(& %ust (on't e4pe#t the rest o! us to look up !ro9 our toil to stare agape as you 8a!t by& An( so9e8hat relate( to this" 1& There is al8ays so9eone less talente( than you 9aking 9ore 9oney as a 8riter& WhyJ +e#ause li!e Aan( publishingB is #apri#ious an( #ruel5 that's 8hy& So9e !at bastar( has been re8riting the sa9e book !or the last 2. years5 an( ea#h Hne8H book is e'en 9ore o! a pointlessly s9u(ge( photo#opy o! his last book than the one be!ore it5 8hi#h in turn 8as a s9u(ge( photo#opy o! the book be!ore that& An( a!ter his thi#k5 retar(e( lu99o4 o! a book is plante( in its o8n stan(-up (isplay s9a#k in the 9i((le o! the store's pri9ary tra!!i# pattern5 the author is going to take that 9oney5 buy a gorgeous house on Lake Tahoe 8ith it an( use the e4#ess #ash to #har9 s9art5 pretty5 a9bitious girls an( boys to ha'e ra9paging se4 8ith his !labby5 li'er-spotte( bo(y 8hile he 8at#hes Ni#k %r& on his 21-in#h high-(e!inition plas9a tele'ision& +e#ause he can& 6ean8hile5 you're lu#ky i! a single #opy o! your a#hingly beauti!ully-8ritten paperba#k5 !or 8hi#h you 8ere pai( barely enough to #o'er three 9onth's rent on a bug-in!este( Alphabet ity .th-!loor 8alkup5 is shel'e( spine in8ar( in a !orgotten li9b o! the bookstore !or a 9onth be!ore its #o'er is a9putate( an( sent ba#k to the publisher as a 9ark o! ab=e#t !ailure& Wel#o9e to the literary 8orl(; %ust re9e9ber 8hen that happens that so9eone else's retina-blin(ingly gorgeous 9anus#ript?8hi#h is so 9u#h better than the tripe you 8rite that you har(ly (eser'e to kno8 o! its e4isten#e?lies negle#te( in a slush pile at a publisher5 to be pa8e( o'er by a su99er intern 8ith as 9u#h taste in books as a heat-a((le( aar('ark5 be!ore being returne( ,. to 22 9onths a!ter it 8as sub9itte(& Yes5 that's right" You're one o! the luc"y ones& 7& Your opinion about other 8riters Aan( their 8ritingB 9eans nothing& *n one o! the #o99ent threa(s on 9y Web site5 a #orrespon(ent 9entione( that another 8riter 8as telling her that no e(itor 8oul( e'er buy 9y no'els?an( later that very same day * announ#e( that *'( been signe( to a t8o-no'el (eal5 an( that the books 8oul( be #o9ing out in har(ba#k& Why on this sub=e#t 8as this other 8riter so #learly an( ob'iously 8rong5 wrong5 wrong$ Well5 si9ple" +e#ause he kno8s nothing0or at the 'ery least5 he kne8 nothing use!ul about the 9arket in 8hi#h these books 8oul( be in play& :is opinion 8as that * 8as a ba( 8riter an( 9y books stank5 but the reality 8as so9eone in a position to buy 9y 8ork thought * 8as #o9petent enough an( the book goo( enough to pur#hase Aan( to =usti!y another book pur#hase !ro9 9e5 sight unseenB& This is not to poun( on this parti#ular 8riter !or kno8ing absolutely nothing about the 9arket he 8as presu9ing to #o99ent upon& Well5 a#tually that's a lie" it is& +ut allo8 9e to be the !irst to note that there are a lot o! books out there?really su##ess!ul books? that * 8oul(n't ha'e gi'en a sno8ball's #han#e in :ell o! e'er being publishe(& An( yet5 there they are5 selling 9illions& WhyJ +e#ause I kno8 nothing5 too& As 8riters5 our =obs are not to kno8 anything about other 8riters an( their 8ork> our =obs are to 8ork on our o8n 8riting&

This is not to say one #an't ha'e opinions about other 8riters an( their 8ork> 8e #an& We all (o& +ut 8e shoul(n't bother preten(ing that our opinions ha'e any relation to ho8 that 8riter an( his or her 8ork 8ill !are in the 8orl(& Speaking as a 8riter5 an( so9eone 8ith an opinion5 * (on't nee( to 'ali(ate 9y opinion by assu9ing it has a greater signi!i#an#e than being 9y o8n opinion& * ha'e enough o! an ego to !eel that it 9erely being 9y opinion is goo( enough& .& You're not !ooling anyone 8hen you take your laptop to a #o!!ee shop5 you kno8& * 9ean5 Christ5 people& All that tapping an( leaning ba#k thought!ully in your #hair 8ith a 9ug o! 8hate'er 8hile you preten( to e(it your latest 9asterpie#e& You #oul(n't be 9ore ob'ious i! you ha( a garish5 !lashing neon sign o'er your hea( that sai( HLooking For Se4&H <o home5 8hy (on't you& %ust go& A(9itte(ly i! e'eryone !ollo8e( 9y a('i#e the entire e#ono9y o! Park Slope 8oul( i9plo(e& +ut look5 (o you 8ant to 8rite5 or (o you 8ant to get lai(J No5 don!t ans8er that& Any8ay5 i! you really 8ant to i9press the hot 8ho9e'ers5 you'll bring your boun( galleys to the #o!!eeshop to e(it& That'll 9ake the laptop tappers look like patheti# #hu9ps& We're talking hot libi(inous 9a99al se4 !or days& 0& Nntil you're publishe(5 you're =ust in the peanut gallery& This is regar(ing your thoughts on the publishing in(ustry5 9in( you Ayou're still per!e#tly entitle( to your opinions about 8hat you like an( (on't like& * kno85 it's ni#e o! 9e to let you ha'e that5 rightJB& An( no5 a!ePress an( the 'arious Publish-on-De9an( iterations (on't #ount& There's nothing 8rong 8ith those5 in 9y opinion5 an( o! #ourse * Hpublishe(H 9y !irst no'el on 9y o8n Web site5 an( * think that no'el is per!e#tly goo(& +ut it's not the sa9e5 be#ause Aa9ong other thingsB i! it were the sa9e then people 8ho get publishe( that 8ay 8oul(n't ha'e to spen( so 9u#h o! their ti9e (e!ensi'ely suggesting that it is& You ha'e to be really publishe( by so9eone 8ho is going to pay you 9oney up !ront5 an( then get 8alke( through the se#ret han(shake an( all the 9ysterious <utenbergian rituals5 an( that thing 8ith the hot type presse( searingly into your tre9bling but 8illing !lesh5 be!ore anyone 8ho is publishe( gi'es a crap about 8hat you think Aan( e'en then they (on't think 9u#h o! it?see pre'ious pointsB& Yes5 it's snobbery& So 8hatJ You 9ake it soun( like snobbery is a bad thing& Any8ay5 not being publishe( yet (oesn't 9ean you're a ba( 8riter5 it =ust 9eans you're not publishe( yet& +ut 8riters !eel about people spouting o!! about 8riting like 6arines !eel about #i'ilians spouting o!! about the orps> unless you''e (one your ti9e5 you're =ust !arting through your laryn4& <et publishe( an( then #o9e ba#k an( tell us 8hat you think about things& 7& Di( * 9ention li!e's not !airJ Well5 it's not& Take 9e& * got 9y !irst book sale be#ause 9y agent thought o! 9e 8hen a publisher 8as looking !or a parti#ular kin( o! book& No e!!ort re@uire(& Sol( 9y !irst no'el o!! o! 9y Web site& Not 9u#h e!!ort re@uire( there5 either& Sol( 9y se#on( no'el o!! a one-senten#e pit#h> see abo'e Athe writing o! that no'el5 ho8e'er5 re@uire( a lot o! e!!ortB& An( no8 *''e got 9ysel! a ni#e little book !ran#hise 8ith the Boo" of the Dumb books& Lu#kyJ Well5 duh& :o8e'er5 it's 8orth 9entioning that aroun( the sa9e ti9e * sol( 9y no'el !or a 9o(est little su95 so9e ,/-year-ol( na9e( hristopher Paolini ha( his

sel!-publishe( !antasy book #alle( 1ragon snappe( up by Inop! !or K.005000> no8 it's a best seller an( they're going to 9ake a big e4pensi'e 9o'ie o! it& So I!m lu#ky5 but our young !rien( Paolini hit the !riggin' jac"pot& *s it fair * ha'e a book #areer through little e!!ort o! 9y o8n Aasi(e !ro9 the tri'ial but ne#essary step o! 8riting the booksB5 8hile others o! e@ual or greater talent plug a8ay !or years 8ith no su##essJ Nope& *s it !air that Paolini is a best-selling5 !airly ri#h author at 20 years ol( 8hile * ha'e to 8ait until *'9 1. to ha'e my !irst no'el in the stores?an( others ha'e to 8ait e'en longer Ai! they e'er get publishe( at allBJ A big !at HnopeH to that one5 too& Li!e isn't !air& *t really ne'er has been an( it see9s a8!ully nai'e to e4pe#t it to be#o9e that 8ay anyti9e soon& * a9 happy to grant that so9e o! the su##ess * ha'e ha( has been a 9atter o! being in the right pla#e at the right ti9e5 but * (on't !eel oblige( to !eel guilty about taking a('antage o! that !ortuitous positioning5 sin#e the en( result is a goo( li!e (oing 8hat * 8ant& An( i! you're in a position to take a('antage o! si9ilar lu#k5 you shoul(n't !eel guilty about it either& halk it up to an a('an#e on your kar9i# balan#e> try not to s#re8 it up& 2& Don't be an ass& Di( you kno8 that 8riters5 e(itors an( publishers 8ill !orget their o8n na9es an( the na9es o! their #hil(ren5 spouses an( pets be!ore they !orget the tiniest o! slights that you as a !ello8 8riter 9ight in!li#t upon the9J *t's true& Oerily5 they #oul( be in the throes o! an a('an#e(5 prion-t8isting a!!li#tion that 8ipes their 9e9ories #lean like a 6agnaDoo(le in an 6F*5 an( yet i! your na9e is but 8hispere( !ro9 a#ross the roo95 their eyes 8ill bla$e an( they 8ill e4#lai9 Hthat bastar(;H be!ore lapsing ba#k into the blank (arkness& That being the #ase5 8hy 8oul( you go out o! your 8ay to antagoni$e these people unless it is absolutely ne#essary?8hi#h it al9ost ne'er5 e'er isJ *n this li!e5 an( in this !iel(5 you're going to ha'e enough proble9s as it is& Don't 9ake any 9ore ene9ies than you ha'e to& Try to be ni#e& An( i! you #an't be ni#e5 then shut the hell up an( go stan( in the #orner 8ith your (rink an( lea'e all the rest o! us alone& Yes5 yes5 you're right an( e'eryone else is 8rong& That?like your i99ense talent ?is a gi'en& +ut =ust be#ause you're right (oesn't 9ean you shoul( be a (i#k about it& /& You 8ill look stupi( i! you're =ealous& %ust as there 8ill be 8riters 8ith 9ore su##ess an( less talent than you5 so9e o! your 8riter !rien(s 8ill (o better than you5 by 8hate'er stan(ar( you (e#i(e HbetterH #ounts as& An( you kno8 8hat you shoul( (oJ +e happy !or the95 you neuroti# t8it& +e#ause it's 9ore than likely that their su##ess has al9ost nothing to (o 8ith you? 8hi#h is to say that i! they 8ere less su##ess!ul5 you 8oul( probably still be no 9ore or less su##ess!ul than you are& Li!e is not a $ero-su9 ga9e> the !ortunes o! others (o not 9ean our o8n !ortunes are (i9inishe(& * 9ean5 !or <o('s sake5 there are 220 9illion people in the Nnite( States& Do you really think the su##ess o! one o! the9 in your !iel( o! 8ork negates your ability to be su##ess!ulJ %esus& A little sel!-#entere(5 aren't 8e& So5 su#k it up& +e happy !or your !rien(& Not only is it 8hat you're supposed to (o as a !rien(5 an( thus its o8n 'ery goo( reason5 but it's also the 8ay to 9ake your !rien( get the i(ea that no8 that he or she is su##ess!ul5 they're going to go out o! their 8ay to help you& So i! you #an't be happy !or your !rien( !or his or her o8n sake?opti9al?(o it !or the #areer opportunity it a!!or(s you?less opti9al but 8e #an't all be #heerlea(ers5

#an 8e& AAn( i! turns out you are the 9ost su##ess!ul a9ong your 8riter !rien(s5 8ell5 you kno8& +e a pal&B +eing =ealous o! people you (on't e'en kno85 in#i(entally5 is so ro#k-(ense stupi( that *'9 going to pay you the #o9pli9ent o! assu9ing that you 8oul(n't (o so9ething as pointless as that& You're 8el#o9e& ,0& Li!e is long& So long as you (on't intentionally step out in !ront o! a bus5 #han#es are pretty goo( you'll 9ake it to 70 or 20 or so9e bone-(eteriorate( age like that& That being the #ase5 8hat are you 8orrie( aboutJ )n=oy yoursel!& )n=oy the pro#ess o! 8riting& Fe'el in the =oy o! #reating 8hate'er it is you're #reating an( don!t worry& For so9e people 8riting su##ess happens early5 !or others later5 an( !or 9ost so9e8here in bet8een& Di( * think *'( be in 9y 10s be!ore * sol( 9y !irst no'elJ No5 but there's lots o! things about 9y li!e * didn!t e4pe#t?an( sin#e * #an't i9agine 8hy * 8oul( 8ant 9y li!e to be any (i!!erent than it is5 * guess that this is a good thing& Li!e is long& You #an 8rite all the 8ay through it> this ain't gy9nasti#s5 a!ter all& Li'e li!e5 (o your 8riting5 an( get use( to the i(ea that things happen 8hen they happen& There's no ti9etable& There's =ust li!e5 an( any part o! it #an be as goo( a ti9e as any other to be the 8riter you 8ant to be& *'9 (one& EEE *! you'll note the (ate this one 8as publishe(5 you'll see 8hy this parti#ular pie#e got lost in the shu!!le& A #ouple o! the points * 9a(e here * later repli#ate( in other pie#es5 but * thought it'( be ni#e to let this pie#e see the light o! (ay on#e 9ore& Also5 there are so9e points here * (on't 9ake else8here& So there you are&?%S

Ten Thing! I'"e Learne A1out Writing in Ten Year! of %oing It

0Septe$1er 43' 23345

This last 8eek 9arke( 9y tenth anni'ersary as a 8orking 8riter& * 8rote be!ore that point5 o! #ourse5 an( * e'en got pai( !or it !ro9 ti9e to ti9e5 but * ti9e 9y pro!essional li!e !ro9 the (ate * 8alke( in the (oor o! the Fresno Bee in Septe9ber o! ,//, an( sai( H* start 8ork to(ay&H They ga'e 9e a photo *D5 a (esk an( a pay#he#k Athe pay#he#k a#tually #a9e t8o 8eeks later& +ut you kno8 8hat * 9eanB& Ta (a5 * 8as a real li'e 8orking 8riter& Ten years later5 * still ha'en't (one anything else to 9ake 9oney?in#lu(ing (uring the last three an( a hal! years5 in 8hi#h *''e been a !reelan#e 8riter5 a sure se#on( =ob 9agnet i! there e'er 8as one& 6y #areer has been a ni#e #o9bination o! being lu#ky an( being goo(5 an( 8hile * pre!er being the latter5 * (on't turn 9y nose up at the !or9er5 either& *'9 not prou(& *'ll take lu#k 8hen * #an get it& :o8e'er *''e 9anage( it5 ten years o! 8riting?on sta!! an( !reelan#e5 !or print5 9aga$ines5 online an( in books5 an( on =ust about e'ery topi# possible?is enough ti9e to note so9e general obser'ations about the 8riting li!e& So here they are" Ten Things *''e Learne( About Writing Fro9 Ten Years o! Doing *t& These are in no parti#ular or(er5 in#i(entally& ,& *! you're not #on!i(ent5 you're (ea( 9eat& +eyon( the !a#t that 8hiny 8riters su#k5 being #on!i(ent is your roa( to #ash& * #harge a he!ty a9ount per hour an( per 8or( !or 9y ser'i#es5 an( the reason * #an get a8ay 8ith it is this" When #lients #all 8ith a pro=e#t or arti#le that is a ri(i#ulous a9ount o! 8ork in a ri(i#ulously short !ra9e an( they ask 9e i! * #an (o it5 * tell the9 the only thing they 8ant hear" HSure& No proble9&H lients pay 9e !or 9y 8riting skills5 but they pay 9e a lot be#ause * gi'e the9 the se#urity that the 8ork is going to get (one5 perio(& *! you #an pro=e#t that sort o! #on!i(en#e in your 8ork?in the @uality an( in the ti9eliness?to your #lients5 it goes a long 8ay to keeping you in 8ork& 2& Nothing lasts !ore'er&

*n 9y ti9e *''e ha( a nu9ber o! s8eet 8riting gigs" re'ie8ing 9o'ies an( Ds an( 'i(eo ga9es5 8riting hu9or #olu9ns an( so on& They all #o9e an( they all go5 an( it 'ery o!ten has little to (o 8ith 9e personally?there's a (e#ision in the upper ranks to #ut #ontent5 or #hange the =ob (es#ription5 or 9o'e the publi#ation in another (ire#tion or 8hate'er Ao! #ourse5 so9eti9es it is about 9e& +ut ne'er 9in( that no8B& These #an happen to you5 too?an( so9eti9es5 <o( !orbi(5 you =ust get tire( o! (oing one parti#ular thing& Whate'er the reason5 bu(get #hange into your 8riting li!e& *! you e'er lan( that s8eet5 s8eet 8riting gig5 the one that has you thinking this is too good to last 0you're probably right& :ope it (oes last& Prepare !or it not to& 1& Writers spen( too 9u#h ti9e obsessing about the people 8ho (on't respe#t the9& Yes5 yes5 yes& 1veryone 8ants to s#re8 the 8riter Ae4#ept !or the hot5 beauti!ul people we 8ant to s#re85 8ho 8on't gi'e us the ti9e o! (ayB?no one respe#ts us5 no one pays us 8hat 8e're 8orth5 no one 'alues our #ontribution5 blah blah blah blah blah& Perhaps it's be#ause 8riters are intelligent introspe#ti'e !olk5 or 9aybe it's be#ause they ha'e no spines5 but 8hate'er the reason5 8riters spen( !ar 9ore ti9e #o9plaining about ho8 they're getting s#re8e( than they spen( getting the9sel'es out o! the position o! being s#re8e(& No85 as a 8riter5 *''e been s#re8e( !ro9 ti9e to ti9e& +ut to 9y #re(it5 * typi#ally only get s#re8e( once& * (on't spen( too 9u#h ti9e railing about the in=usti#es #arrie( out upon 8riters en masse by the un#aring 8orl(& *t's not that *'9 insensiti'e to the plight o! 9y !ello8 8riters ?really5 * hope you all sho8 up that lousy 8orl( one (ay?but 9ore to the point that 9y e4perien#e has been that there are people 8ho 'alue goo( 8ork !ro9 goo( 8riters5 an( * en(ea'or to 8ork !or the9& As a 8riter an( a 8orker5 8hen * !in( 9ysel! in a position 8here * !eel *'9 getting s#re8e(5 * ten( to 'ote 8ith 9y !eet& The reason * (o this goes ba#k to point Q, up there" *'9 reasonably #on!i(ent * #an !in( 8ork& You shoul( be5 too Athe se#ret is to !in( 8ork before you lea'eB& 7& You're not a real 8riter until you 8rite a book& +y 8hi#h * 9ean5 non-writers are !airly uni9presse( 8ith you unless you ha'e a book Aor a s#reenplay 9a(e into a 8i(ely-release( 9o'ie5 an( no5 straight-to-'i(eo (oesn't #ountB& * 9ention to people that *'9 a 8riter5 an( they ask 8hat *''e 8ritten& An( * go (o8n the list5 an( they start no((ing o!! until * say5 Han( * ha'e a book in the stores&H At 8hi#h point you #an see the !ollo8ing thought behin( their eyes" So2 ,e!s not actually a bum after all2 Feal5 honest-to-goo(ness 8riters 8ho toil year a!ter year in the (usty !iel(s o! =ournalis9 or publi# relations or 8hate'er 9ight !in( this annoying an( irritating5 but5 hey5 *'9 not saying this is !air& *'9 =ust saying it happens& People un(erstan( Hbook R 8riter&H H+ook5H by the 8ay5 9eaning printed book?no o!!ense to e-book 8riters A* happen to be one 9ysel!B5 but i! it's not on paper5 no one but you #ounts it as a real book& 3h5 an( relate( to this" .& You really (o nee( an agent& You're 9ore likely to be eaten by a bull shark o!! the Flori(a Panhan(le than to sell a book these (ays 8ithout one o! these guys& So get one& <et a goo( one& Trust 9e& 0& The se#ret to 9aking 9oney" gi'e in to the 6an& Don't be prou(5 buster& *! your ai9 in 8riting is to a#tually 9ake 9oney !ro9 ti9e to

ti9e5 parti#ularly as a !reelan#e 8riter5 su#k it up an( 8rite so9e a( #opy& 3r a !inan#ial bro#hure& 3r a te#hni#al (o#u9ent& 3r 8hate'er& No5 it's not the <reat A9eri#an No'el5 but you kno8 8hat5 there #an be only one <reat A9eri#an No'el5 an( the #han#es o! you 8riting it are pretty (a9n sli9& No o!!ense A*'9 not likely to 8rite it eitherB& So you 9ight as 8ell slip in a #orporate Web site re'ise or t8o& :a'ing sai( that" 7& You (a9n 8ell better 9ake ti9e !or your HrealH 8riting& 6aking 9oney han( o'er !ist is all 'ery ni#e5 but5 yes5 it's true" You do nee( to bu(get ti9e to 8rite the sort o! stu!! that's i9portant to you5 or you will regret it?an( then you'll probably 9ake e'eryone you kno8 regret it5 too& An( i! there's one thing the 8orl( (oesn't nee(5 it's another (epresse( ..-year-ol( 8riter su((enly reali$ing that all he or she has to sho8 !or three (e#a(es o! 8riting 8ork is a sta#k o! !a4able press releases or ar#hi'e( #ity #oun#il arti#les& Yes5 it's 'ery sa( you ble8 your 8a( on that alone& So i! only as a pre'entati'e 9easure5 to sa'e those 8ho lo'e you !ro9 8anting to strangle your sorry ass5 pen#il in so9e ti9e on the 8eeken( !or your no'el& 2& Writing is ro9anti#5 but (on't be ro9anti# about 8riting& +eing able to say you're a 8riter is pretty #ool5 an( gi'es you singles bar #re(ibility that !e8 other pro!essions that hang out in singles bars #an 9at#h& +ut asi(e !ro9 that perk5 i! you 8rite !or a li'ing5 an( you're not thinking about 8riting as a business5 you're pretty stupi(& The three rules o! 8riting" *t's Work& *t's Work& Surprise; *t's Work& The hot young thangs you 9eet in a bar 8ill think it's #ool you're a 8riter5 but they'll think it's e'en more #ool i! you #an a!!or( to take the9 on a (ate to a pla#e 8here the !oo( #an't be HSuper Si$e(&H /& +e !earless& 6y 8riting #areer is base( on a series o! in#i(ents 8here people ha'e aske( 9e i! * #oul( 8rite on a parti#ular sub=e#t5 an( * sai(5 H3h absolutely5H an( then * 8ent o!! an( learne( about 8hate'er the hell it 8as * 8as suppose( to be 8riting on& This is not an e4aggeration5 by the 8ay?9y =ob at the Fresno Bee 8as as a 9o'ie #riti#5 !or 8hi#h * ha( absolutely no e4perien#e an( nothing to re#o99en( 9e !or the position e4#ept that * 8as goo( 8ith the9 there 8or(s5 an( * 8as #heap Aoh so very #heap& * 8as 22& What (o you 8antB& *'9 not (u9b about this?*'9 not going to be 8riting !or a @uantu9 physi#s =ournal5 !or e4a9ple5 sin#e 9y 9ath skills ga'e out so9e ti9e aroun( the @ua(rati# e@uation? but at the sa9e ti9e5 as a 8riter5 * generally ha'e no !ear o! things * (on't kno8& *'9 #on!i(ent in 9y ability to learn AThank you Webb an( the Nni'ersity o! hi#agoB5 an( *'9 #on!i(ent in 9y ability to #o99uni#ate& +eing !earless 8hen it #o9es to 8riting has not =ust helpe( 9y #areer?!un(a9entally5 it has been 9y #areer& Don't be a!rai( to =u9p into the (eep en( o! the pool& Trust your 8riting #hops5 an( trust yoursel!5 an( you'll be !ine& ,0& *! you #an li'e 8ith your #hoi#es5 you're a goo( 8riter& Fro9 ti9e to ti9e * 8on(er i! *''e (one the right thing 8ith 9y 8riting #areer5 8hi#h has been an( #ontinues to be a rather pi4ilate( a!!air& +ut ulti9ately *'9 pretty happy

8ith 8here * a9& * earn goo( 9oney !or 9y !a9ily& * 8rite stu!! that * en=oy5 an( * en=oy 8orking 8ith the people !or 8ho9 * 8rite& * ha'e a goo( li!e that * li'e5 !or the 9ost part5 on 9y o8n ter9s& An( 8hile there's 9ore that * 8ant to (o 8ith 9y 8riting #areer5 * #an honestly say that * (on't regret any o! the #hoi#es *''e 9a(e so !ar& As a 8riter5 an( as a 8orking hu9an being5 that's 8hat you hope !or& *! you #an look at your o8n 8riting li!e an( !eel the sa9e 8ay5 then 8hate'er your #hoi#es so !ar5 an( 8hate'er you 8ant !or yoursel! in the !uture5 you're (oing =ust !ine in the here an( no8& So there you ha'e it5 ten years o! 8riting e4perien#e& Let's see 8hat the ne4t ten years has in store& EEE *n early 200. * 8as aske( to guest-e(it an issue o! Subterranean 6aga$ine5 a s#ien#e !i#tionC!antasy 9aga$ine& A!ter announ#ing 9y e(itorship5 * poste( this pie#e to let people kno8 ho8 * 8as planning to han(le the ine'itable spate o! re=e#tions that 8oul( ensue& *t see9s to ha'e 8orke(?a!ter the re=e#tions 8ere 9aile( out * got e9ails thanking 9e !or being so ni#e about it all& * try& *n any e'ent5 the pie#e (es#ribe( 9y o8n re=e#tion poli#y5 but * think you'll !in( the a('i#e about !ollo8ing (ire#tions an( ho8 to (eal 8ith re=e#tion appli#able a#ross a 8i(e range o! sub9ission e'ents& * !in( it use!ul5 in any e'ent5 8hen * sub9it things&?%S

Ten Thing! A1out Literary -e:ection

0&arch 2;' 233<5

Sin#e * 8ill be in the position o! re=e#ting people's 8ork later in the year5 * 8ante( to post ten @ui#k things about re=e#tion that * think people shoul( kno85 at least as it regar(s 8hat *'ll be (oing& ,& *! you ha'en't rea( book e(itor Teresa Nielsen :ay(en's se9inal HSlushkillerHentry about the e(itorial si(e o! re=e#tion5 stop rea(ing this an( go rea( that instea(& Fight no8 Ait's at http"CCnielsenhay(en&#o9C9akinglightCar#hi'esC00707,&ht9lB& You 8ill be enlightene(5 an( i! you're not5 you probably shoul(n't be 8riting& HSlushkillerH shoul( be gi'en to e'ery single aspiring 8riter be!ore he or she is allo8e( to sub9it a (a9n thing& The 9aga$ine issue *'9 e(iting 8ill !eature ,2 to 10 arti#les totaling 005000 8or(s A9ore or lessB& * e4pe#t that * 8ill re#ei'e more than 10 sub9issions an(Cor 005000 8or(s 8orth o! 9aterial !or 9y #onsi(eration& There!ore5 * e4pe#t * 8ill be re=e#ting a !air a9ount o! 9aterial& Writers 8ho (o not belie'e that sub9ission gui(elines shoul( apply to the9 are going to be rather unpleasantly surprise( 8hen * (isagree& * regar( a(heren#e to sub9ission gui(elines as an *L test an( assu9e those 8ho #annot or 8ill not !ollo8 the9 are no 9ore likely to be able to 8rite a goo( story than a !ish #an play a tuba& This 9ay be un!air to the 8riter Aan( the !ishB5 but not !ollo8ing 9y sub9ission gui(elines is un!air to me Aan( to other 8riters 8ho do !ollo8 sub9ission gui(elinesB& So that 9akes us e'en in the un!airness (epart9ent& This 8ill 8ee( out a surprising nu9ber o! sub9issions& Try not to be one o! the9& * rea( ea#h story until it no longer 8orks !or 9e& *! that happens be!ore the en( o! the story5 *'9 going to re=e#t the pie#e& * (on't usually kno8 !ro9 pie#e to pie#e 8hat's going to 8ork !or 9e& Like pornography or a goo( 9elon5 * kno8 entertaining 8ork 8hen * see it& +ut * guarantee you i! you think there's a point at 8hi#h your story lags5 I 8ill5 too& Don!t give me the opportunity to decide your piece doesn!t wor"( *! the story 8orks all the 8ay through that (oesn't 9ean it's a##epte(5 but it (oes 9ean it'll 9ake it into the pool o! stories *'( li"e to buy& * 8ill al9ost #ertainly not be able to buy e'ery single story *'( like to buy& * ha'e !inite

spa#e an( * also ha'e to #onsi(er balan#e !or the 9aga$ine?* #an't ha'e three stories 8ith the sa9e plot (e'i#e5 e'en i! all three pie#es are heartbreakingly goo(& There!ore5 so9e o! the stories * 8ill re=e#t it 8ill "ill 9e to re=e#t?but *'ll ha'e to re=e#t the9 any8ay5 an( hope that they !in( another ho9e 8here they 8ill be lo'e(& -ou will not "now why I rejected your wor" & * inten( to sen( out !or9 re=e#tions that 8ill politely but brie!ly note that * 8ill not be able to use the sub9ission& * (o not plan to e4plain the re=e#tion& * re#ogni$e that people 8ant to kno8 8hy their 8ork is re=e#te(5 but as a pra#ti#al 9atter it 8oul( be (i!!i#ult to in(i'i(uali$e ea#h re=e#tion& *! you'( like to assu9e that * lo'e( the pie#e but 8as si9ply unable to put it in the 9aga$ine5 that's groo'y by 9e5 sin#e in se'eral #ases that 8ill be the truth& I am rejecting the piece' not you( As note( abo'e5 re=e#tion happens !or 9any reasons5 an( 9u#h goo( 8ork that (eser'es publi#ation is re=e#te( !or reasons that ha'e little or nothing to (o 8ith the 8riting& The re=e#tion o! your sub9ission is not a re!eren(u9 on you as a hu9an being5 or e'en on you as a 8riter& *t is si9ply a#kno8le(ging that !or 8hate'er reason5 this pie#e (oes not suit my nee(s at this time& *! you take re=e#tion personally as a 8riter5 you 8ill go 9a(5 be#ause e'ery 8riter gets re=e#te(& A lot& *! it helps you to think that the reason * re=e#te( your 8ork is be#ause *'9 a !ookin' i(=it5 * a##ept an( #elebrate that (e#ision& Still5 try to treat 9e kin(ly the ne4t ti9e 8e see ea#h other& *! you 8ere 9y best !rien( an( you sub9itte( a story * #oul(n't use5 * 8oul( re=e#t it& *! you 8ere 9y 9other an( you sub9itte( a story * #oul(n't use5 * 8oul( re=e#t it& *! you 8ere %esus at the right han( o! <o( an( you sub9itte( a story * #oul(n't use5 * 8oul( re=e#t it& *! you 8ere 9y 9ortal5 hate( ene9y 8ho sub9itte( a story that kno#ke( 9e on 9y ass an( !it per!e#tly 8ith 8hat * 8as trying to (o5 * 8oul( buy that story in a heartbeat& An( then *'( hope you get hit by a bus& Point" The rea(ers o! the 9aga$ine #oul(-n't possibly #are 8hat 9y relationship is to the 8riters& They =ust 8ant a goo( rea(& 6y =ob is to 9ake that happen& ,0& Whether * re=e#t your story or a##ept it5 * 8ill treat it as * 8oul( ha'e 9y o8n 8ork treate( by another e(itor& * 8ill assu9e that e'ery story 8ill 8ork !or 9e until * a9 persua(e( other8ise& * 8ill re#ogni$e that the 8ork you''e sent represents your best e!!orts& An( * 8ill re9e9ber that you honor 9e 8hen you sen( in your 8ork !or 9y #onsi(eration& Thank you& * 8ill try to return the !a'or& EEE The !ollo8ing entry #a9e out o! a (is#ussion as to 8hether people 8ho are publishe( 8riters #an be sai( to be better 8riters than people 8ho ha'e not& The short ans8er is Hno5H but the short ans8er is also in#o9plete& Funny ho8 short ans8ers are o!ten that 8ay&?%S

What ,u1li!hing I!

0&arch 4=' 233<5

As there has been re#ent #on!usion on the 9atter5 let's talk about 8hat publishing is& Fea(yJ :ere it is" Publishing is an engine !or the pro(u#tion o! #o9petent 8riting& That's it& No8 the (etails" What is #o9petent 8ritingJ o9petent 8riting is 8riting that e!!i#iently (es#ribes i(eas an( #on#epts to an au(ien#e5 using a gra99ar that the au(ien#e #an un(erstan(& Why is publishing an engine !or the pro(u#tion o! #o9petent 8ritingJ +e#ause #o9petent 8riting has a #o9petiti'e a('antage o'er in#o9petent 8riting& The book that #o9petently (es#ribes the 9a=or battles o! Worl( War **5 or a se4 s#ene5 or ho8 to buil( an( stain a ba#kyar( (e#k5 has a (istin#t in!or9ational Aan( #o99er#ialB a('antage o'er books 8ith the sa9e sub=e#ts that trans9it their i(eas poorly& :o8 (oes publishing sele#t !or #o9peten#eJ +y e9ploying #o9peten#e-enhan#ing 9e#hanis9s at e'ery step o! 8riting pro(u#tion& The sub9ission pro#ess e4ists Aa9ong other thingsB to 8ee( out the grossly in#o9petent 8riting& The e(iting pro#ess e4ists to strengthen the te4t an( to 9ake sure its i(eas are 9ore easily assi9ilate( by the rea(er& The (esign pro#ess ai9s to pro'i(e the te4t 8ith a 'isual gra99ar that assists the goals o! the te4t& The 9arketing pro#ess ai9s to pro9ote the book's #o9peten#e or Ain the 8orst #ase s#enarioB 9ini9i$e its #o9peten#e !ailures& What (oes this 9ean !or 8ritersJ *n a broa( sense" *! you are pro!essionally publishe( by a legiti9ate publisher5 you are probably at the 'ery least a 9ini9ally #o9petent 8riter& Points to 9ake here" ,& o9petent is not the sa9e as goo(& H<oo(H is about taste an( style> H#o9petentH is about !a#ility 8ith the 8riting gra99ar o! a language& 6oreo'er5 not e'ery bit o! #o9petent 8riting nee(s to be Hgoo(H?you (on't ne#essarily 8ant a user 9anual to kno#k you on your ass 8ith its prose style5 you =ust 8ant it to tell you ho8 to use your

(a9n toaster& With literature an( non-!i#tion5 there are any nu9ber o! #o9petent 8riters one 9ight sub=e#ti'ely label Hba(H 8riters?!or all their ability to #onstru#t a senten#e5 the senten#es they #onstru#t si9ply (on't (o anything !or you& Although #o9petent is not the sa9e as goo(5 it's also the #ase that goo( books are al8ays #o9petent> at the 'ery least5 *''e ne'er hear( o! a goo( book that 8as also in#o9petently 8ritten Ai! you ha'e5 please enlighten 9eB& on'ersely5 although it's possible !or a #o9petent book to be stylisti#ally ba(5 all in#o9petent books are also ba( Aagain5 *'( be please( to kno8 o! e4#eptionsB& ,a& o9petent is not al8ays5 but #an so9eti9es be5 the ene9y o! Hgoo(&H A('enturous or #hallenging 8riting o!ten skates on the e(ge o! a##epte( rubri#s o! #o9peten#e5 as 8riters try ne8 !or9s Ae4a9ple" %a9es %oy#e's 3lysses or Sa9uel Delaney's DhalgrenB5 an( as su#h runs #ounter to publishing's #onser'ati'e ten(en#ies to publish su#h 8ork& o99er#ial publishing in parti#ular 8ants 8hat sells& :o8e'er5 it's also possible that #o9peten#e #an ai( Hgoo(5H i! the tra(itionally #o9petent 8ork it publishes buys a publisher enough #o99er#ial an( #riti#al hea(roo9 to atte9pt the o##asional stab at 8eir(ness ADhalgren 8as in(ee( publishe( by someone5 a!ter allB& This is 8here the hea'y #urtain o! 9onolithi# HpublishingH is pulle( ba#k to re'eal e(itors 8ith personal pre!eren#es an( a (ri'e to publish i9portant 8ork !ro9 ti9e to ti9e5 an( (a9n the sales& Publishe( 8ork is a 'ali( general 9etri# !or 8riting #o9peten#e> ho8e'er unpublishe( 8riting an( 8riters are not ne#essarily in#o9petent& *n#o9petent 8riters ten( to re9ain unpublishe(5 but 8riting is o!ten re=e#te( !or reasons other than #o9peten#e" The sub9issions e(itor 9ay ha'e too 9any o! that sort o! 8riting in the (o#k5 !or e4a9ple& An( sin#e ne8 8riters are #ontinually (ebuting5 it's a4io9ati# that they 8oul( possess 8riting #o9peten#e 8hile still in an unpublishe( state& +y the sa9e token5 lots o! Hgoo(H 8riters an( 8riting struggle to get publishe( Aor are not publishe( at allB& Publishe( authors shoul( not assu9e they are better 8riters than unpublishe( ones5 although they 'ery probably ha'e 9ore insight into the publishing pro#ess as a pro!essional en(ea'or& The #o9peten#e engine o! publishing (oes not run per!e#tly Abut it runs pretty 8ellB& *n#o9petent 8riters an( 8riting do get publishe(?not a signi!i#ant per#entage5 but not so in!re@uently as to be entirely unnoti#eable& The reasons !or this range !ro9 in#o9petent e(itors Anot a !re@uent o##urren#e in pro!essional publishing5 to be sureB to authors an(Cor #elebrities 8hose !a9e is #o99er#ially signi!i#ant enough that they are #ut a 9easure o! #o9peten#e sla#k that is not a'ailable to the a'erage s#h9oe 8riter? an( e'en then any publisher 8orth its salt 8oul( try to i9pose so9e a9ount o! #o9peten#e on the 8ork& +e that as it 9ay5 i! Stephen Iing or %ohn <risha9 really 8ante( to Aan( to be #lear5 * (on't suspe#t they (oB5 they #oul( probably 8hip up a book #o9prise( entirely o! re'ie8s o! their o8n intestinal e9anations AHA +ear in the Woo(s" 2. Years o! S@uatlogging5 ,/7/-2007HB5 an( so9e publisher so9e8here 8oul( be please( to publish it& 6ost 8riters (o not ha'e that lu4ury5 an( * think 8e #an all be thank!ul !or that& &ost 8riters 8ho 8ish to be publishe( 9ust (e9onstrate #o9peten#e every single time they en(ea'or to be publishe(5 or they 8on't be publishe( !or 'ery long& This is 8hy the o##asional gru9bling one hears that the publishing in(ustry is really all about 8ho

you kno8 (oesn't ring true to people 8ho ha'e been publishe(& Publishing rather ruthlessly e4#ises in#o9petent 8riters5 an( a legiti9ate publishing #o9pany that release( in#o9petent 8ork on a regular basis 8oul( !in( itsel! out o! business pretty @ui#kly& Through e!!ort an( 8ile an( the =u(i#ious use o! knee pa(s5 an in#o9petent 8riter probably #oul( get publishe( by a legiti9ate publisher?on#e& +ut #onsi(ering all the e!!ort it 8oul( take to 9ake that happen5 it 8oul( probably be si9pler to learn ho8 to be a #o9petent 8riter& Whi#h brings us to our last point" 7& Writing #o9peten#e is a learnable skill?an( there!ore 9ost people are #apable o! being #o9petent 8riters& Writing #o9petently isn't ro#ket s#ien#e> it re@uires the kno8le(ge o! #ertain gra99ati#al rules5 8hi#h are less (i!!i#ult than5 say5 #al#ulus5 !ollo8e( by lots an( lots an( lots an( lots an( lots o! 8riting pra#ti#e& Yes5 so9e 8riters are gi!te( by <o( or nature to be great 8riters an( ha'e that great ine!!able thing that 9akes their 8riting sing 8ithout any e!!ort at all& The o((s that person is you are sli9& For e'eryone else5 it's the learnable 8riting skills that 8ill be the things that get you publishe(?an( to be #lear5 it 8oul(n't hurt the sky-blue 9ira#le 8riters to 8ork on the nuts an( bolts o! the 8riting pro#ess so 8hen an( i! the 9use takes a hike they ha'e so9ething to !all ba#k on& As a practical 9atter5 assu9e you'll nee( the 8riting training an( pra#ti#e5 e'en i! se#retly in your heart you "now <o( hi9sel! tou#he( your @uill& Think o! it as a publishing #areer seat belt& So that's 8hat publishing is5 an( ho8 it gets (one& EEE What you nee( to kno8 about this pie#e going in is that *''e sol( t8o no'els by posting the9 on 9y Web site5 an( then ha'ing e(itors 9ake unsoli#ite( o!!ers !or the9& *''e also sol( t8o non-!i#tion books the sa9e 8ay Ain#lu(ing5 uh5 the one you're rea(ing right no8B& * also kno8 o! a s9all nu9ber o! other people 8ho ha'e (one this as 8ell& *t 8oul( be easy to assu9e that * think publishing one's sel! online is a goo( thing !or people to (o& +ut 9y response to this is" Well5 not e4a#tly& :ere's 8hy&?%S

What .nline Writing i! >oo For' 233< # ition

0.cto1er 4?' 233<5

This line in a blog entry o'er at the Te#hFepubli# site 9a(e 9e t8it#h a little" Apparently5 the tren(y ne8 8ay to get noti#e( by book publishers is to seriali$e your no'el online an( let the e(itors !in( you& Well5 okay5 i! one (e!ines Htren(H as this 9aneu'er 8orking !or three spe#ulati'e !i#tion authors o'er three years Aa#tually t8o-an(-a-hal!5 as one o! the authors note( 8as an o((-(u#k #o9bination5 in that portions o! her no'el 8ere spotte( online5 an( the physi#al 9anus#ript o! her no'el 8as also res#ue( !ro9 the slush pileB& 6ean8hile5 probably 9ore than a thousan( books 8ere sol( in the spe# !i# arena in the sa9e ti9espan by the tra(itional 9etho( o! sub9itting 8ork !or e(itorial #onsi(eration& *! you're an aspiring !irst-ti9e author5 * 8oul(5 you kno85 look at the o((s in'ol'e( be!ore 9aking a (e#ision& The author o! the linke( arti#le (oes thank!ully note the long o((s in'ol'e(" & & &e'ery one o! the authors (is#ourages people !ro9 relying on the ta#ti# as a 8ay to get (is#o'ere( Asoun( a('i#e5 by 9y analysisB5 but (o re#o99en( it as a 8ay o! getting your 8riting be!ore an au(ien#e an( 8orking the kinks out& To be entirely honest about it5 ho8e'er5 i! you are going to take the ti9e an( e!!ort to put your 8riting online5 * think it's !ar less use!ul to put your !i#tion online than it is to spen( so9e ti9e #reating an interesting blog an( #ulti'ating an au(ien#e !or it& This is not an HeitherCorH situation5 o! #ourse5 as * ha'e (one both& +ut * 8ill say that one o! these you shoul( (o !irst5 an( that's to 8ork on your blog& The reason 8hy shoul( be reasonably ob'ious i! you look at your blog in stri#t 9arketing ter9s A8hi#h you shouldn!t (o in real li!e5 be#ause no one likes rea(ing a site that is ob'iously ta#ke( up !or 9arketing purposes& *'ll get to that laterB& +logs are !abulous 9arketing tools be#ause 8hat they're goo( !or is getting people in'ol'e( 8ith you as a 8riter> they're tuning in to rea( 8hat's going on in your hea( an( in your li!e5 an( to a 'ery real e4tent are sharing your li!e 8ith you& They #o99iserate 8hen you

su!!er a setba#k5 an( #ongratulate 8hen you get ahea(5 an( other8ise 'ie8 you as part o! their #ir#le o! a#@uaintan#es?not =ust so9e 8riter5 but so9eone they kno8 an( Apro'i(e( you ha'e #o99ents an(Cor ans8er e-9ailB intera#t 8ith& *n other 8or(s5 at so9e point so9e per#entage o! the9 stop being 9erely rea(ers an( be#o9e !ans& Fans?an( again5 8e're talking in stri#t 9arketing ter9s?are use!ul& They're use!ul be#ause they're likely to be proa#ti'e not only in buying any non-blog-relate( 8riting output you 9ight #reate5 but be#ause they'll also help you sell your 8ork to others5 =ust like !ans o! other #reati'e people help those !olks as 8ell& They AprobablyB 8on't be able to help you sell a book to a publisher5 but on#e you sell the book5 they #an be there to help gi'e the book a (e#ent sen(-o!!& That in turn 8ill be use!ul to your publisher& *n(ee(5 * think as 9ore ti9e goes on5 9ore an( 9ore publishers 8ill be looking at !irst-ti9e authors an( asking 8hat sort o! H!an(o9H they alrea(y ha'e& *! * 8ere an e(itor an( * 8as presente( 8ith t8o !irst-ti9e authors5 one o! 8ho9 8as not online5 an( another 8ho 8as an( ha( a #ouple thousan( people 'isiting their blog on a (aily basis5 all other things being e@ual5 *'( go 8ith the 8riter 8ho is alrea(y online& That's a #ouple thousan( people * (on't ha'e to intro(u#e this 8riter to5 an( possibly a #ouple thousan( people 8ho #an help 9e sell that 8riter as an author& First-ti9e author unit sales are usually lo8 enough that a #ouple thousan( blog rea(ers #an 9ake a real an( signi!i#ant i9pa#t on a !irst ti9e author's sell nu9bers& * (on't e4pe#t su#h #onsi(erations 8ill tru9p #o9petent 8riting?gi'en the #hoi#e bet8een an e4@uisitely-8ritten no'el by a nobo(y an( a #rap no'el by so9eone 8ith a popular blog5 * 8oul( hope an e(itor an( publisher 8oul( (e#i(e the e4@uisitely-8riting author 8as 8orth #ulti'ating& +ut 8hen the t8o 8riters are o! e@ual #o9peten#e5 8hy wouldn!t an e(itor go !or the one that brings rea(ers to the partyJ * #ertainly kno8 the relati'ely large rea(ership o! the Whate'er is a selling point in 9y publishers' eyes& :a'ing sai( all that5 * think it's also true that the 9o9ent you start treating your site rea(ership like 9onkeys to be 9arkete( to5 you run the 'ery real risk o! losing the9& * think one's rea(ers are happy to #elebrate one's a#hie'e9ents5 but they kno8 the (i!!eren#e bet8een you #elebrating with the95 an( you 9arketing to the9& Not e'ery rea(er 8ants to be treate( as a #onsu9er5 an( this is e'en 9ore o! the #ase in the online 8orl(& *! you're a 8riter an( you''e spent the ti9e #ulti'ating a relationship 8ith people Aan( they 8ith youB5 they're going to !eel betraye( i! the tone o! your site (e'ol'es purely to Han( here's another thing o! 9ine to buy;H * (on't think people 9in( 8hen an author says su#h things?authors 8rite books 8ith the hopes o! selling the95 an( 9ost people get that?as long as it's not the only thing an author says& Su#h things nee( to be part o! the #on'ersational an( narrati'e !lo8 o! a blog or =ournal5 not a (is=ointe( break !ro9 it& To ha99er this point one !inal ti9e" Yes5 a blog is a great 8ay to 9arket yoursel!& An( the 9inute you think o! your blog primarily in 9arketing ter9s is the 9inute you kill its use!ulness& People aren't #o9ing to your site to be 9arkete( to> they're #o9ing to be entertaine( an( to #at#h up 8ith you& +e real5 or you're going to lose the9& No85 i! you do 8ant to post #reati'e 8ork online5 * strongly suspe#t it helps to ha'e alrea(y been engage( in the online 8orl( in other 8ays& * poste( 4ld &an!s %ar on the Whate'er a!ter *'( been online !or 9ore than !our years> by that ti9e * ha( a #ouple thousan( people a (ay #o9ing by to see 8hat * 8as up to& The rea#tion to 4&% 8as

stronger an( 9ore i99e(iate than the rea#tion to *gent to the Stars5 8hi#h * poste( in 6ar#h o! ,///5 8hen * only ha( a #ouple hun(re( people 'isiting e'ery (ay Asee 8hat * 9ean about it taking ti9e to #ulti'ate an au(ien#eJB& No 9atter ho8 you sli#e it5 i! you 8ant 8hate'er !i#tion you post online to be appre#iate( an( noti#e(5 you nee( to (e'elop an online presen#e !irst& *! you (on't 8ant to bother generating an online presen#e be!ore posting #reati'e 8ork online5 here are so9e o! the proble9s you #an e4pe#t" Posting #reati'e 8riting out o! the blue =ust 9eans you ha'e this big 9ass o! 'erbiage online> no one kno8s its pro'enan#e5 8hi#h 9eans they're less 8illing to take the ti9e 8ith it5 be#ause5 a!ter all5 8ho are youJ reati'e 8riting is also 9ore (i!!i#ult to pro(u#e on a #onstant basis Aparti#ularly i! you're ai9ing !or @ualityB5 9eaning that you #an't up(ate on a (aily or near-(aily basis5 8hi#h is the 9ost (esirable !re@uen#y !or 8riting online& Finally5 #reati'e 8riting is so9ething akin to a per!or9an#e5 8hile blog 8riting is #loser to a #on'ersation& +y an( large *''e !oun( people 8ant to talk ba#k 8hen they're rea(ing online& Npshot here" *! you e4pe#t si9ply posting #reati'e stu!! online is going to open (oors5 you're probably (elusional& *t takes ti9e?lots o! ti9e& The goo( ne8s is that it's no8 easier to (e'elop an online presen#e than it 8as be!ore& There are 9ore options to (o it si9ply5 an( the #o99unities are signi!i#antly 9ore (e'elope( Aparti#ularly in pla#es like Li'e%ournal an( A3L %ournals Anb" * 8ork !or the latterBB& There are also in(ee( a nu9ber o! e(itors an( agents online5 parti#ularly those !o#use( in genres like SFCF5 horror an( ro9an#e5 so it's not entirely in#on#ei'able that you 9ight get to kno8 the9 an( they 9ight see your 8riting& You 9ight e'en be aske( to sen( in so9e 8riting5 e'en i! you ha'en't put your !i#tion online Aask !antasy author %o Walton about that" her online posts 8ere i9pressi'e enough that an e(itor aske( i! she'( e'er #onsi(ere( 8riting !i#tionB& +ut the real a('antage 8ill be that people get to kno8 you5 an( get to like 8hat you ha'e to say& An( that 9ight ha'e use!ul #arryo'er into the rest o! your 8riting li!e& an you plan on itJ No& +ut you #an wor" 8ith it5 i! it (oes happen& An( in the 9eanti9e5 you 9ight =ust si9ply en=oy 8riting online5 8hi#h is a re8ar( in itsel!&

Writing Tip! for Non6Writer! Who %on't Want to Work at Writing

0Fe1ruary 42' 233?5

A 8riting @uestion" What 8riting tips 8oul( you 8hisper to those 8ho aren't aspiring pro!essionals5 but 8oul( like to 8rite betterJ *! * aske( you about losing 8eight an( you sai( HDiet an( )4er#iseH you'( be aB #orre#t an( bB ignore(& So no i(eas that take 8ork& We 8ant the @ui#k !i4; Tips like H)(it your 8orkH aren't use!ul& H<erun(s are your !rien(H are& So5 the task here" Tell y'all ho8 to 8rite better 8ithout you a#tually ha'ing to 9ake an e!!ort& Fine& :ere's ho8 * 8oul( (o it& AN+" These 8ork pretty 8ell !or people 8ho do 8ant to be pro 8riters5 too&B 0& Speak 8hat you 8rite" This is rule $ero be#ause all other rules !ollo8 on this& +asi#ally" *! 8hat you're 8riting is har( to speak5 8hat 9akes you think it's going to be easy to rea(J *t 8on't be& So speak out lou( 8hat you 8rite& *! you #an't speak it naturally5 re8rite it& Si9ple& ,& Pun#tuate5 (a9n you" For <o('s sake5 is it really so har( to kno8 8here to put a #o99aJ When people rea(5 e'en in their brains5 there's usually so9e part o! the9 that is soun(ing out the 8or(s& Without appropriate pun#tuation5 espe#ially #o99as5 that 8or(-speaking part 8ill e'entually #hoke on the senten#e& :a'ing sai( that5 there's a ten(en#y to o'er-pun#tuate as 8ell5 parti#ularly 8ith e4#la9ation points& Too little pun#tuation 9akes it see9 you 8ant to #ollapse so9eone's lung5 too 9u#h 9akes it look like you're a ,7-year-ol( girl 8riting an *6& You 8ant to a'oi( both& :ere's a @ui#k an( (irty gui(e on 8hen to use pun#tuation" Perio(s" When you're 8riting (o8n a thought an( you're at the en( o! that thought5 put a perio(& o99as" When you're 8riting (o8n a thought an( you 8ant to take a breath5 8hether 9ental or physi#al5 put in a #o99a& Se9i-#olon" Put these in your 8riting in the pla#e 8here5 in #on'ersation5 you'( ar#h

your eyebro8 or 9ake so9e other sort o! physi#al gesture signalling that you 8ant to e9phasi$e a point& olon" Nse 8hen you 8ant to 9ake an e4a9ple o! so9ething" For e4a9ple5 =ust like this& Luestion 6ark" Luite ob'iously5 8hen you ha'e a @uestion& )4#la9ation point" When you're really e4#ite( about so9ething& You al9ost ne'er nee( to use 9ore than one in a paragraph& Nse 9ore than one in a senten#e an( you (a9n 8ell better be using it !or hu9orous an(Cor ironi# e!!e#t& Dashes" You #an use these 8hen you''e alrea(y use( a #olon or a se9i-#olon in a senten#e5 but be a8are that i! you ha'e 9ore than one #olon or se9i-#olon in a senten#e5 you're probably (oing so9ething 8rong& So9e8hat relate(" Nse #apitals 8hen you shoul( Abeginning o! senten#es5 proper nounsB5 (on't use the9 8hen you shoul(n't Apretty 9u#h e'ery other ti9eB& Lots o! people think not using #apitals 9akes the9 look arty an( #ool5 but generally it =ust 9akes the rest o! us 8on(er i! you''e not yet !igure( out the 9agi#al in'ention kno8n as the shi!t key& Alternately5 the ran(o9 appearan#e o! #apitals in inappropriate pla#es 9akes us 8on(er i! you (on't se#retly 8ish the <er9ans 8on Worl( War ** Aan( e'en the <er9ans are #ra#king (o8n on 8anton #apitali$ation these (ays5 so there you areB& 2& With senten#es5 shorter is better than longer" *! a senten#e you're 8riting is longer than it 8oul( be #o9!ortable to speak5 it's probably too long& ut it up& This is one *'9 guilty o! ignoring> * ten( to use se9i-#olons 8hen * shoul( be using perio(s& *n !a#t5 *'( say the largest single e(iting task * ha'e a!ter 8riting a pie#e is to go in an( turn se9i#olone( senten#es into t8o senten#es Aor 9ore5 <o( !orgi'e 9eB& Shorter is also better 8ith paragraphs5 but there's su#h a thing as too short?take a look at a not-parti#ularly-8elle(ite( ne8spaper an( you'll see a lot o! single-senten#e paragraphs5 generally pre#e(e( or !ollo8e( by other single senten#e paragraphs that shoul( ha'e been #o9presse( into one paragraph& <oo( rule" one e4ten(e( i(ea or (is#rete e'ent per paragraph& 1& Learn to !riggin' spell" *'9 not talking typos here5 be#ause e'eryone 9akes the95 an( * 9ake 9ore than 9ost& * 9ean genuine Hgosh * really (on't kno8 ho8 this is spelle(H 9istakes& This is parti#ularly the #ase 8ith basi# spelling errors like using HyourH 8hen you're suppose( to be using Hyou'reH or HitsH !or Hit'sH Aor in both #ases5 'i#e'ersaB& :ere's a goo( rule o! thu9b" For e'ery spelling error you 9ake5 your apparent *L (rops by . points& For e'ery Hthere5 they're5 theirH type o! 9istake you 9ake5 your apparent *L (rops by ,0 points& Sorry about that5 but there it is& What's truly appalling is that e'en people 8ith a('an#e( (egrees A*'9 looking at you5 s#ientistsB s#re8 these parti#ular poo#hes& * look at so9e o! the 8riting * see !ro9 people 8ith 6As an( PhDs a!ter their na9es an( * think no wonder China!s poised to "ic" our ass& Look5 spelling isn't har(& Nearly e'ery single #o9puteri$e( 8riting tool has a built-in spell#he#k that 8ill #at#h /0P o! your spelling errors5 an( as !or the rest o! the95 8ell5 it isn't too 9u#h to ask a(ults to kno8 the (i!!eren#e bet8een HtheirH an( Hthere&H *t's really not& Also5 here's a han(y tip !or those o! you 8ith *nternet a##ess A8hi#h5 by (e!inition5

8oul( be all o! you rea(ing this on 9y siteB& *! you ha'e a 8or(5 the spelling o! 8hi#h you're not sure5 an( you (on't ha'e a (i#tionary han(y Aeither boun( or onlineB5 #opy the 8or(5 paste it into <oogle's sear#h engine5 an( hit Hsear#h&H *! you''e spelle( it in#orre#tly5 #han#es are really e4#ellent that 8hen your sear#h results #o9e up5 up at the top <oogle 8ill ask HDi( you 9ean"H an( present 8hate'er 8or( it is that you're !ailing to spell& There's no sha9e in (oing this& +otto9 line" Typos asi(e5 there's no reason not to spell things #orre#tly Aan( you really shoul( get on those typos5 too5 although * note that *'9 the last person in the 8orl( to ri(e !olks on that oneB& Felate( to this" Don't use 8or(s you (on't really kno8" *t's ni#e to use i9pressi'e 8or(s !ro9 ti9e to ti9e5 but i! you use an i9pressi'e 8or( in#orre#tly5 e'eryone 8ho does kno8 8hat the 8or( 9eans 8ill think o! you as a patheti#5 inse#ure (ork& *'9 =ust saying& +ear in 9in( that this is not li9ite( only to Hi9pressi'eH Latinate 8or(s5 but also Ain(ee( espe#iallyB to slang& Nse slang in#orre#tly?or e'en use last year's 8or(?an( you'll look like teh 5am6r& Nnless you're using the slang ironi#ally5 in 8hi#h #ase you 9ight be able to get a8ay 8ith it& +ut generally" sti#k to 8or(s you "now you kno85 or 9ake real goo( !rien(s 8ith that there (i#tionary thingie& <ra99ar 9atters5 but not as 9u#h as anal gra99ar Na$is think it (oes" The proble9 8ith gra99ar is that here in the NS at least5 s#hools (o su#h a horrible =ob o! tea#hing the sub=e#t that 9ost people are entirely out to sea regar(ing #orre#t usage& *t's the #al#ulus o! liberal arts sub=e#ts& +ut gra99ar nee( not be stupen(ously #o9pli#ate(> in the !inal re(u#tion the point o! gra99ar is to 9ake the language #lear to as 9any people as possible& Frankly5 * think i! 9ost non-8riters #an 9anage to get agree9ent bet8een their 'erb an( their sub=e#t5 *'9 8illing to spot the9 the 8hole H8hoC8ho9H #onun(ru9& No85 ob'iously5 you should kno8 as 9u#h gra99ar as you #an> the 9ore gra99ar you kno85 the better you #an 8rite& +ut the botto9 line is =ust this" Be as clear as possible& *! you're not #on!i(ent about the gra99ar o! a senten#e5 re-8rite it an( stri'e !or #larity& Yes5 it's possible that in (oing so the resulting senten#e 8ill la#k style or so9ething& +ut it's better to be plain an( un(erstoo( than to ha'e people a(9ire your style an( ha'e not the slightest i(ea 8hat you're trying to say& 0& Front-loa( your point" *! you 9ake people 8a(e through se'en paragraphs o! unrelate( ane#(otes be!ore you get to 8hat you're really trying to say5 you''e lost& Yes5 6ark T8ain an( <arrison Ieillor pull that stunt all the ti9e& +ut" Surprise; You're not the9& Also5 there 8ere lots o! ti9es 8hen T8ain =ust nee(e( to get to the go((a9n point5 alrea(y& No85 so9eti9es people 8rite to !in( out what their point is> * think that's !ine be#ause * (o that 9ysel!& +ut 9ost o! the ti9e a!ter *''e !igure( out 9y point5 *'ll go ba#k an( re-8rite& +e#ause that's the 9agi# o! 8riting" You #an (o that& *t's not a#tually a li'e 9e(iu9& No5 not e'en in *65 sin#e you #an still re-8rite be!ore you hit Hsen(&H This point is 9ore !le4ible than so9e o! the others> so9eti9es you 8ant to go the long 8ay aroun( to 9ake your point be#ause (oing so 9akes the point stronger& :o8e'er5 most o! the ti9e it's better to let people kno8 8hat you're (oing than not5 i!

only be#ause then you ha'e a better #han#e o! the9 sti#king aroun( until the en(& 7& Try to 8rite 8ell e'ery single ti9e you 8rite" * ha'e !rien(s 8ho * kno8 #an 8rite 8ell 8ho sen( 9e the 9ost awful e-9ail an( *6s be#ause they !igure it (oesn't 9atter ho8 9any rules o! gra99ar an( spelling they sto9p on be#ause it's =ust e-9ail an( *6& +ut i! you a#tually want to be a better 8riter5 you ha'e to be a better 8riter e'ery ti9e you 8rite& *t 8on't "ill you to 8rite a #o9plete senten#e in *6 or e-9ail5 you kno8& The 9ore you (o it5 the better you'll get at it until it 8ill a#tually be 9ore difficult to 8rite poorly in e-9ail an( *6 than not A9obile te4t 9essaging * un(erstan( has 9ore li9itations& +ut * ten( to look at te4t 9essaging as the 2,st entury e@ui'alent o! se9aphore5 8hi#h is to say5 spe#iali$e( #o99uni#ation !or spe#iali$e( goalsB& There really is no e4#use !or 8riting poorly in one's blog& At least 8ith *6s an( e-9ail your terri!ying (ise9bo8el9ent o! the language is li9ite( to one obser'er& +ut in your blog5 you'll look stupi( !or the 8hole 8orl( to see5 an( it 8ill be ar#hi'e( !or as long as hu9anity re9e9bers ho8 to pro(u#e ele#tri#ity& 6aybe you (on't think anyone 8ho rea(s your blog 8ill #are& +ut I rea( your blog?yes in(ee( * (o?an( * #are& 6a(ly& Truly& Deeply& Fea( people 8ho 8rite 8ell" Don't =ust rea( !or entertain9ent5 but also look to see ho8 they (o their 8rit-ing?ho8 they #ra!t senten#es5 use pun#tuation5 break their prose into paragraphs5 an( so on& Doing so takes no 9ore ti9e than rea(ing 8hat they 8rite anyway5 an( that's so9ething you're (oing alrea(y& *! you #an see 8hat they're (oing5 you #an try to (o it too& You probably 8on't be able to re-#reate their style5 sin#e that's so9ething about that parti#ular person& +ut 8hat you #an (o is re#reate their mechanics& Don't 8orry that your o8n H'oi#eH 8ill get lost& +e rea(able first an( your o8n style 8ill #o9e later5 8hen you're #o9!ortable 8ith the nuts an( bolts o! 8riting& When in (oubt5 si9pli!y" Worrie( you're not using the right 8or(sJ Nse si9pler 8or(s& Worrie( that your senten#e isn't #learJ 6ake a si9pler senten#e& Worrie( that people 8on't see your pointJ 6ake your point si9pler& Nearly e'ery 8riting proble9 you ha'e #an be sol'e( by 9aking things si9pler& This shoul( be ob'ious5 but people (on't like hearing it be#ause there's the assu9ption that si9ple R stupi(& +ut it's not true> in(ee(5 * !in( !ro9 personal e4perien#e that the stupi(est 8riters are the ones 8hose 8riting is positi'ely baro7ue in !or9& All that #o9pensating5 you kno8& +esi(es5 *'9 not telling you to boil e'erything (o8n to Hsee spot runH si9pli#ity& * a9 telling you to 9ake it so people #an get 8hat you're trying to say& Nlti9ately5 people 8rite to be un(erstoo( Ae4#epting <ertru(e Stein an( Tristan T$ara5 8ho 8ere intentionally being (i!!i#ultB& 6ost people are5 in !a#t5 #apable o! un(erstan(ing& There!ore5 i! you #an't 9ake people un(erstan( 8hat you 8rite5 9ost o! the ti9e it's not =ust be#ause the 8orl( is !ille( 8ith 9orons5 it's also be#ause you are not being #lear& Do8nshi!t& People 8ill be happy to kno8 8hat you're saying& ,0& Speak 8hat you 8rite" Yes5 *''e #o'ere( this be!ore& +ut no8 a!ter all the other tips you #an see why this 9akes sense& *! you #an't 9ake your 8riting un(erstan(able to you5 you #an't 9ake it un(erstan(able to others& An( no8 *'9 o!! to speak this to 9ysel!& *! * #an (o it 8ith 9y 8riting5 you #an (o it 8ith yours&

C+A,T#- TW.: Yo +o' Yo +o' A Writer'! Life For &e

This #hapter is 9ostly about 9oney& 3h5 it's a little bit about 9e an( ho8 * got into 8riting an( 8hat so9e o! the (ay-to-(ay e4perien#e o! being a 8riter is like5 an( all that huggy5 a!!ir9ati'e #rap& +ut mostly5 it's about 9oney& The reason !or that is !airly si9ple" Writing is 8hat * (o !or a li'ing& This is ho8 * pay 9y bills5 buy 9y toys5 heat 9y house5 get gi!ts !or 9y ki( an( also Aan( not in#i(entallyB eat& * lo'e to 8rite5 an( * 8oul( (o it e'en i! * (i(n't get pai(& +ut as long as * can get pai(5 *'9 going to 9aintain a goo( !o#us on that aspe#t o! 9y 8riting #areer& *t keeps 9e !ro9 asking people i! they 8ant !ries 8ith that& No85 this is the part o! the intro 8here *'9 suppose( to tell you that 8e're li'ing in an interesting ti9e !or 8riters5 8hat 8ith the i99inent popular arri'al o! e-books an( 8hat ha'e you5 an( all the #hallenges they 8ill entail !or 8riters5 parti#ularly ones 8ho 8ant to 9ake 9oney5 but you kno8 8hatJ 1h& *''e been 8aiting !or the i99inent popular arri'al o! e-books !or about a (e#a(e no85 an( it see9s to 9e that5 one5 books aren't 'ery 9u#h like 9usi# or 9o'ies an( 9aybe 8e'll be 8aiting !or the i99inent popular arri'al o! e-books !or another ten years or so5 an( t8o5 it's ne'er not an interesting ti9e !or 8riters& +e!ore the possibility o! e-books an( ele#troni# pira#y5 8riters ha( to 8orry about the rise o! the #hain book store an( the (e#line o! the super9arket book ra#ks& +e!ore that there 8as the initial #onsoli(ation o! publishers into 9e(ia 9ega#orporations& An( be!ore that5 there 8as5 oh5 * (on't kno85 e(itors e4perien#ing (e9oni# possessions an( (e'ouring lagging 9i(list 8riters& *t's al8ays something& *''e been a pro!essional 8riter !or !i!teen years5 8hi#h is not enough ti9e !or a gran( histori#al perspe#ti'e on the pro!ession5 but is #ertainly enough ti9e to kno8 that you can 9ake a li'ing as a 8riter to(ay?an( a goo( li'ing at that5 i! you 8ork at it& The pie#es in this #hapter re!le#t so9e o! the reality o! being a 8orking 8riter to(ay& The things you rea( here 9ight not ha'e been true !i!teen or t8enty years ago> they 9ight not be true !i!teen or t8enty years !ro9 no8& +ut they are true no85 an( now is 8hen * ha'e to 8ork as a 8riter& Fea(yJ EEE +e#ause * sai( that this #hapter 8oul( be about 9oney5 let's not beat aroun( the

bush & & &

The &oney #ntry

0&arch 49' 233?5

An e-9ail this 9orning" You''e sai( be!ore that you 9ake 9ore than 9ost other 8riters& *! you (on't 9in( 9e asking5 ho8 9u#h (o you 9akeJ :o8 (o you kno8 it's 9ore than 8hat other 8riters 9akeJ %ust in #ase any o! you 8ere 8on(ering 8hether people !eel like they #an ask 9e anything& 3n the other han(5 * ha'e in !a#t suggeste( that * ten( to 9ake 9ore 9oney than other 8riters at 9y Alo8B le'el o! notoriety5 an( *''e talke( (ollar su9s on #on'ention panels 8here *''e spoken about 9aking 9oney as a 8riter5 so * (on't suppose there's any reason not to talk about it here& An( as it happens Irissy tallie( up 9y 200. in#o9e last 8eek 8hile preparing our ta4es& So" *n 200.5 !ro9 8riting an( e(iting5 * 9a(e K,005000& An( as it happens that is pretty 9u#h (ea(-on a'erage !or 9y 8riting in#o9e sin#e ,//25 8hi#h is the year * be#a9e a !reelan#e 8riter& So9e years * 9ake 9ore Athe top year 8as 200,5 8hen * 9a(e about K,.05000 (ue to a huge a9ount o! #orporate 8orkB an( so9e years * 9ake less Ain 2007 * 9a(e about K205000B5 but put it all in the pot an( ,00I is 9ore or less 8here it a'erages out& This is 9y 8ritingCe(iting in#o9e solely> our househol( in#o9e A8hi#h in#lu(es Irissy's salary5 rental in#o9e an( other in#o9e sour#esB is naturally higher5 an( you'll !orgi'e 9e i! * (on't break that out !or you be#ause 8hile *''e talke( about 9y 8riting in#o9e be!ore5 the rest o! it is not !or publi# #onsu9ption& Fegar(less5 8e're (oing okay& Where (oes this 8riting in#o9e #o9e !ro9J *n roughly the or(er o! per#entage o! in#o9e5 thusly" orporate 8ork" Work * (o !or 'arious business #lients5 pri9arily in the !inan#ial an( online se#tors& * 8ork 8ith so9e o! these !olks (ire#tly an( also 8ork as a sub#ontra#tor !or 9arketing an( #onsulting !ir9s& This is the stu!! * #onsi(er 9y H(ay =ob5H in that it is #onsistent5 to the e4tent that any !reelan#e 8ork #an be5 an( there!ore * #an reliably bu(get this in#o9e Aor 9ore a##urately5 Irissy #an5 sin#e she han(les the

!inan#es in the S#al$i househol(B& This is the stu!! that pays the bills A9y A3L blogging in#o9e is in this se#tionB& +ook in#o9e" This is pri9arily in#o9e !ro9 book a('an#es5 although last year !or the !irst ti9e * ha( in#o9e !ro9 royalties Aon Boo" of the Dumb an( The #ough /uide to the 3niverseB an( also !ro9 !oreign sales& Asi(e !ro9 the books that #arry 9y na9e5 this also in#lu(es #ontributions to the Nn#le %ohn's +athroo9 Fea(ers5 in 8hi#h #ontributors get an a#kno8le(g9ent but not a byline& They pay 8ell enough Aan( 8riting the stu!! is !un enoughB that * #oul(n't possibly #are i! 9y na9e is on e'ery pie#e * 8rite !or the9& 6aga$ineCNe8spaper in#o9e" This is pri9arily !ro9 t8o sour#es" The 4fficial 3S 8layStation &aga9ine5 !or 8hi#h * 8rite DOD re'ie8s an( #o99entary #olu9ns5 an( the Dayton Daily ews5 !or 8hi#h * 8rite a separate DOD #olu9n an( o##asional !eatures an( #olu9ns& * 8ill also o##asionally sell a Whate'er as a reprint to ne8spapers> t8o e4a9ples o! this are the HStan(ing Np For DubyaH entry5 8hi#h * sol( to the 8hiladelphia City 8aper5 an( the H+eing PoorH pie#e5 8hi#h 8as in the Chicago Tribune an( other papers Aalthough5 as it happens5 * #hose not to take pay9ent !or that parti#ular pie#e5 8hi#h is not a usual thing !or 9eB& The 3P6 an( DDN in#o9e is also pre(i#tible A*''e been 8riting !or both !or a nu9ber o! yearsB5 so this also gets put into the H9oney to pay bills 8ithH planning le(ger& For 200.5 this a9ount also in#lu(e( in#o9e * got !ro9 gueste(iting Subterranean 9aga$ine& Short Fi#tion in#o9e" This is a ne8 a((ition5 base( on the #hapbooks * 8rote !or Subterranean last year AHSket#hes o! Daily Li!eH an( HLuestions !or a Sol(ierHB5 !or 8hi#h * 8as pai( pretty 8ell A8hi#h is to say5 higher than the general rate !or SF short !i#tionB& +e that as it 9ay5 short !i#tion is5 by a signi!i#ant (i'isible5 the s9allest se#tion o! 9y in#o9e& * (on't ten( to (o 9u#h short !i#tion purely !or e#ono9i# reasons?9y e4perien#e 8ith Subterranean not8ithstan(ing5 * #an be pai( signi!i#antly 9ore !or 8riting short non-!i#tion than short !i#tion5 an( there are 9ore pla#es an( opportunities to 8rite short non-!i#tion& So that's 8hat * gra'itate to& No85 * (o inten( to 8rite so9e8hat 9ore short !i#tion in the near !uture Ait's a !or9 * 8ant to get better atB5 but gi'en the generally 'ery lo8 rates the !iel( pays5 * (on't e'er e4pe#t it to be a signi!i#ant part o! 9y in#o9e& <enerally speaking5 there are !our reasons * a9 able to pull (o8n lo8 si4 !igures !ro9 8riting on a regular basis& First5 * a9 a reasonably #o9petent 8riter 8ho is reasonably easy to 8ork 8ith> * 9ake it part o! 9y 8riting ethi# not to be a pain in the ass to #lients an( e(itors5 an( also to (o 8hat * #an to gi'e the9 8hat they 8ant an( nee( the !irst ti9e& This is parti#ularly the #ase in #orporate 8ork> 9y ego there is !o#use( on hitting the #lients' nee(s Ait helps * ha'e other outlets 8here * #an (o 8hat * 8ant 8hen * 8ant toB& +ut all the 8ay aroun( * try to be use!ul an( not a proble9 !or the people * 8ork 8ith& Se#on(5 8hi#h is an e4tension o! the !irst5 * ha'e a lot o! #onta#ts in 'arious 8riting spheres an( an e4tensi'e 8riting history5 8hi#h 9akes it easy !or people to hire 9eCbuy 9y 8ork5 be#ause they #an see 8hat *''e (one be!ore an( kno8 * #an hit the 9arks that nee( to be hit& Thir( Aan( again5 an e4tension o! the !irst t8oB5 * ha'e 9ultiple 8riting #o9peten#ies5 so 8hen 8ork in one sphere is slo85 * #an 8ork in another sphere o! 8riting& This also allo8s 9e to (e'elop a((itional #o9peten#ies 8hile still pulling (o8n

in#o9e in things * alrea(y ha'e a tra#k re#or( in& Finally" * 8rite a lot& An a'erage 8eek 8ill see 9e 8riting 20k-10k 8or(s a#ross the 'arious 8riting =obs * ha'e Aan( at the Whate'er5 8hi#h (oes not generate in#o9e (ire#tly but 8hi#h has signi!i#ant in(ire#t bene!itsB& That's a 9illion 8or(s a year5 9ost o! it pay #opy& *t a((s up& A3h5 one other thing" *'9 also sele#ti'e5 8hi#h 9eans * (on't 8rite e'erything that's o!!ere( to 9e> * ha'e to see 8hether the =ob is a#tually 8orth 9y ti9e relati'e to other opportunities that e4ist& This #an lea( to so9e pain!ul #hoi#es> last year * turne( (o8n an opportunity to (o 8hat 8oul( ha'e been a really !un book be#ause * #oul(n't 9ake it !it 8ith other things * 8ante( an( nee(e( to (o& *''e also passe( on 8ork si9ply be#ause there 8asn't enough 9oney there to 9ake it 8orth 9y 8hile& Turning 8ork a8ay is still pain!ul?the paranoi( 'oi#e in 9y hea( 8ho says you!ll never wor" again shouts the lou(est at these ti9es?but it's e'entually ne#essary&B * think it's possible that any #o9petent 8riter 8ho is not a pain in the ass to 8ork 8ith #an pull (o8n a reasonable su9 o! 9oney 8orking as a !reelan#e 8riter5 but * 8ill also note that 9y ability to 9ake a lot o! 9oney as a !reelan#er !ro9 9y !irst year is nontypi#al an( a little (e#epti'e& * (i(n't begin as a !reelan#e 8riter 8ithout e4perien#e> by the ti9e * 8ent !reelan#e * ha( (one a se'en-year 8riting apprenti#eship insi(e the #on!ines o! #orporate A9eri#a5 !irst as a ne8spaper 8riter an( then as a 8riter an( e(itor at A3L& +oth o! these 8ere e4tre9ely use!ul?the ne8spaper !or 8riting @ui#kly an( to spe#i!i#ation5 an( A3L !or both #orporate 8orl( e4perien#e an( be#ause A3L 8as a hothouse !or a9bitious !olks 8ho 8ent out in the 8orl( to their o8n start-ups an( #alle( on 9e 8hen they nee(e( 8ork (one be#ause they re9e9bere( 8ho * 8as& So a lot o! the years in 8hi#h * should ha'e been a star'ing !reelan#er5 buil(ing up 9y #hops5 * 8as toiling happily !or The 6an an( (oing 9y #hop-buil(ing there& Also5 * 8as lu#ky in that the people * 8orke( 8ith 8ere both a9bitious an( happy to get in tou#h 8ith 9e !or 8ork& * ha'e ne'er been shy in a(9itting that lu#k has ha( a lot to (o 8ith 9y #areer> here's another e4a9ple& 3! #ourse5 lu#k only gets one so !ar> sooner than later * ha( to ba#k up the lu#k 8ith #o9peten#e& )'en so5 it'( be (isingenuous to suggest it 8as all 9e& 6y e4perien#e is 8hy a9ong other things * tell people not to be in an all-!ire( rush to gi'e up their (ay =obs& 6y ti9e in #orporate A9eri#a allo8e( 9e to buil( a port!olio o! skills that 8ere use!ul 8hen * 8ent Aso9e8hat un8illinglyB into the !reelan#e 8orl(> other people #an an( shoul( (o the sa9e& No85 9y #orporate e4perien#e 8as (ire#tly on point to 8riting5 8hi#h 8as a((itionally help!ul5 but e'en those !olks 8ith (ay =obs that are not (ire#tly relate( to 8riting still #an get a('antages !ro9 the9 8hile they are also 8orking on their 8riting& An( o! #ourse5 all this #o9es in han(y 8hether one inten(s to 9ake 8riting one's pri9ary re'enue sour#e or not& Let 9e note t8o ob'ious things& First5 8riting in#o9e is not ne#essarily an in(i#ator o! ho8 goo( a 8riter is stylisti#ally& Speaking personally * #an think o! se'eral 8riters 8ho * think 8rite better than *5 8ho 9ake less than * (o?an( se'eral 8ho * think 8rite 8orse5 8ho 9ake 9ore& Se#on(5 8riting in#o9e isn't ne#essarily an in(i#ator o! 8riting happiness& So9e 8riters (on't #are all that 9u#h about 9oney an( 8rite either !or !un or be#ause they !eel #o9pelle( to> using 8riting in#o9e as a 9etri# !or the9 isn't 'ery use!ul or rele'ant& As !or 9e5 * think it's possible * #oul( 9ake 9ore as a 8riter than * (o5

but at this point in ti9e it 8oul( 9ean taking on 9ore 8ork * ha'e no interest in5 8hi#h 8oul(n't 9ake 9e 'ery happy& What 8riting in#o9e #orrespon(s to is #o9peten#e5 opportunity an( 8illingness& * a9 a #o9petent 8riter> * a9 !ortunate to ha'e a lot o! opportunities to sell 8ork an( *'9 8illing to (o a lot o! 8ork5 in#lu(ing so9e stu!! 8hi#h isn't parti#ularly e4#iting in the H8riters are so bohe9ianH sense& o99ensurately * 9ake a !air a9ount o! 9oney (oing 8riting& 6ost 8riters ha'e these three !a#tors in 'arying a9ounts an( 9ake #orrespon(ing a9ounts o! 9oney& There are other !a#tors to be sure> these are the three big ones5 ho8e'er& Naturally5 *'9 happy 8ith 8hat * 9ake5 an( * think o'erall * ha'e a goo( balan#e o! 8ork that's !un an( interesting5 an( 8ork *'9 happy to (o be#ause it gi'es 9e a stable in#o9e base !or 9y li!e an( 9y !a9ily's nee(s Aan( 8hen those t8o !a#tors o'erlap5 as they so9eti9es (o5 e'en betterB& * 8oul(n't 9in( 9aking 9ore5 although not at the e4pense o! 9y #urrent @uality o! li!e in ter9s o! !a9ily ti9e an( range o! pro=e#ts& * (on't 9in( 9aking less5 as long as 9y !a9ily's nee(s are 9et an( the 8ork * get to (o is su!!i#iently appealing !or its o8n sake& Writing is a business !or 9e5 an( also a #alling& The key is being able to get to a happy 9e(iu9 bet8een those t8o a4es& Where that 9e(iu9 is5 8ork an( in#o9e-8ise5 is (i!!erent !or e'eryone& * think you !in( it out 9ostly by (oing&

4< Thing! A1out &e an 7ook!

0%ece$1er 44' 233<5

* (on't re9e9ber not being able to rea(& 3r 9ore a##urately5 one o! the 'ery !irst 9e9ories * a9 sure about 8as rea(ing 4ne Fish' Two Fish' #ed Fish' Blue Fish( * 8as about t8o at the ti9e& Possibly the 9ost in!luential book in 9y li!e 8as The 8eople!s *lmanac5 8hi#h * en#ountere( 8hen * 8as si45 at 9y gran(9other's house& *t see9e( that e'erything in the 8orl( it 8as possible to kno8 8as #ontaine( in that book& So naturally * 8as astoun(e( a !e8 years later 8hen The 8eople!s *lmanac :; sho8e( up& When * 8as in kin(ergarten 9y tea#hers ha( 9e tutor thir( gra(ers on rea(ing& As you 9ay e4pe#t5 the thir( gra(ers 8eren't please( about that& 6y lo'e a!!air 8ith astrono9y starte( in kin(ergarten as 8ell> * #an still see the book on astrono9y 8ith pi#tures o! stars o! all (i!!erent hues5 an( their te9peratures liste( beneath& 6y 9other use( to s#rounge ol( Ti9e-Li!e s#ien#e books an( s#ien#e te4tbooks !or 9e !ro9 thri!t stores& That 8as the #oolest thing e'er& The !irst s#ien#e !i#tion no'el *'9 entirely sure o! rea(ing 8as Farmer in the S"y by Fobert :einlein& The !irst !antasy no'el *'9 entirely sure o! rea(ing is The Dar" is #ising by Susan ooper& *'9 pretty sure * also rea( * %rin"le in Time aroun( the sa9e ti9e5 but *'9 not sure 8hether it #a9e be!ore or a!ter those other t8o books& +e#ause * both gre8 up poor an( 8as in a8e o! books5 to this (ay * rea( 9y paperba#ks in su#h a 8ay that * (on't #ra#k the spine& *! you 8ere to #o9e o'er to 9y house5 it 8oul( appear that all the paperba#ks ha'e ne'er been open& They ha'e5 trust 9e& *n high s#hool5 * burne( one o! 9y 9ath te4tbooks at the en( o! the year an( i99e(iately regrette( ha'ing (one so5 to the point o! a#tual sha9e& * still ha'e the re9ains o! the book to re9in( 9e that 8as essentially a betrayal o! 9y belie!s& *t's only in the last !e8 years that *''e regularly bought har(#o'er books&

You 8oul( think that one o! the #ool things about being a 8riter is * #an go into a bookstore an( see 9y o8n books there5 an( you'( be right& +ut 8hat's e'en #ooler is going into a bookstore an( seeing 9y friends! books there& *t's like being able to 'isit the9 8here'er they are& There are so9e books in 8hi#h * en=oy the 8riting so 9u#h5 * #an't bring 9ysel! to !inish the book5 be#ause that 8oul( 9ean there is no 9ore o! the 8riting to rea(& * a9 (elighte( that 9y (aughter Athena both thinks that going to the bookstore is a treat5 an( that not being able to buy the entire bookstore is a trage(y& As 9u#h as * lo'e books5 * a9 not a serious #olle#tor& * (on't parti#ularly #are about !irst e(itions an( the like& The 'alue o! books is 8hat's insi(e the9& With the e4#eption o! T8ain5 * (on't like rea(ing no'els 8ritten be!ore the ,/20s& The 8riting style is so (i!!erent that it's (istra#ting& ,.& *'9 not an au(io book person& * un(erstan( 8hy there is a 9arket !or the95 an( * (on't think ill o! people 8ho listen to the9?that's =ust silly& An( * 8oul(n't 9in( i! one o! 9y no'els 8ere 9a(e into an au(io book& +ut5 really5 they're not !or 9e& * rea( 8ith 9y eyes5 not 9y ears& That sai(5 i! so9eone 8ere e'er to (o an au(iobook 'ersion o! one o! 9y books5 * 8oul( be 'ery intereste( to hear it?it 8oul( be interesting to hear the soun( o! 9y literary 'oi#e&

4< Thing! A1out &e an Writing

0%ece$1er 44' 233<5

The !irst ti9e anyone tol( 9e spe#i!i#ally that * #oul( 8rite an( shoul( keep 8orking at it 8as 8hen * 8as in the si4th gra(e> it 8as 9y tea#her5 6r& %ohnson& :is #o99ents 8ere a9pli!ie( by 9y !resh9an #o9position tea#her5 6r& :ayes& Sin#e !resh9an year in high s#hool5 *''e ne'er #onsi(ere( (oing anything else 8ith 9y li!e other than being a 8riter& At the risk o! soun(ing egotisti#al5 in a general sense 8riting is very easy !or 9e& Spe#i!i# pro=e#ts 9ay be (i!!i#ult (ue to resear#h or other !a#tors5 but the a#tual sitting (o8n an( #ra!ting the 8or(s has ne'er been a proble9& When other 8riters talk about ho8 har( 8riting is !or the9 * #an sy9pathi$e but not really e9pathi$e& Despite it being easy to (o5 * #an get (istra#te( !ro9 8riting pretty easily5 8hi#h #an get 9e in trouble& To so9e e4tent this is 9itigate( by 9y being able to 8rite @ui#kly A.I 8or(s a (ay is not un#o99on !or 9eB5 but one thing * #ontinually try to 8ork on is 9y ability to stru#ture 9y ti9e e!!e#ti'ely& * !in( it (i!!i#ult to 8rite i! *'9 not using a keyboar(?the a#t o! typing is (e!initely part o! 9y 8riting pro#ess& * 8rite 'ery (i!!erently 8hen * a9 8riting long han( or i! * a9 (i#tating5 an( Ain 9y opinionB not better& For this reason * a9 a bit anal about 9y keyboar(s& When * bought 9y 6a#5 * kne8 8ithin a 8eek that * #oul(n't thin" using the keyboar( that #a9e 8ith the 6a#> * tosse( it un#ere9oniously& No8 both 9y 6a# an( 9y P ha'e Logite#h keyboar(s& Logite#h keyboar(s apparently help 9e think& *'9 not a 8riter 8ho 8orks 8ell in group settings& * (on't like 8orkshops A* ha'e a #a'eat to that #o9ing upB an( * pre!er 9y relationships 8ith other 8riters be #asual rather than pro!essional> * 8oul( 9u#h rather ha'e a (rink 8ith a 8riter an( talk shop than try to #o-8rite or start so9e sort o! 8riting group& No85 this (oes not 9ean * think 8riters 8ho like #ollaboration an( #reati'e #onsultation 8ith other 8riters are (oing so9ething wrong> i! it 8orks !or the95 that's goo( an( 8ell& * =ust (on't ha'e the in#lination !or that 9ysel!& :a'ing sai( that5 here's the #a'eat" * think it 8oul( be !un to teach at a 8orkshop5 an( * like being an e(itor Aon o##asion> * (on't kno8 i! * ha'e the te9pera9ent to (o it

!ull ti9eB& The !a#t that *'9 intereste( in tea#hing an( e(iting but not in peer re'ie8 an( #ollaboration speaks 'olu9es about 9e5 *'9 sure5 but as * (on't think 8hat it says about 9e is a ba( thing5 that's !ine& Like 9ost 8riters5 * ha'e a har( ti9e =u(ging 8hat 8riting o! 9ine is going to be parti#ularly resonant 8ith rea(ers Aan( e(itorsB& So9e o! the 8riting * thought 8as not 9y best has been 9y 9ost su##ess!ul> so9e o! the 8riting * like( the 9ost no one has noti#e(& What is i9portant is that * kno8 8hen *'9 8riting #rap5 an( that 8riting al9ost ne'er gets seen by anyone else& So 8hile * #an't tell 8hi#h o! 9y 8riting is going to be su##ess!ul5 * at least kno8 all the 8riting * put out there 9eets a 9ini9u9 stan(ar( o! rea(ability5 an( that 9ini9u9 stan(ar( is !airly high& An( ha'ing sai( that5 * (o ha'e to say that one o! 9y great #hallenges as a 8riter is 9aking sure that 9y 8riting is 9ore than merely !a#ile& Writing @ui#kly an( not ha'ing to struggle to 8rite is a blessing5 to be sure5 in poun(ing out sale #opy> ho8e'er5 it #an present huge issues in @uality #ontrol& * thre8 out the !irst #hapter o! The /host Brigades about si4 ti9es be#ause 8hat * 8rote 8as per!e#tly rea(able5 but it 8asn't good?an( yes5 there is a (i!!eren#e bet8een Hrea(ableH an( Hgoo(H& As a 8riter5 * a9 not parti#ularly intereste( in (es#ription unless it's ne#essary to the plot& For this reason5 * think5 * a9 so9eti9es aske( i! 9y no'els starte( out as s#reenplays Athe #on'ention in s#reenplays at the 9o9ent is not to be o'erly spe#i!i# in (es#ription5 sin#e being so li9its the !il9's #asting (ire#tors an( pro(u#tion (esignersB& Speaking o! 8hi#h5 * ha'e yet to 8rite a s#reenplay& *'9 'aguely intereste( in the !or9at an( * suppose i! so9eone 8ante( to pay to 9e try to (o one5 * 8oul(& +ut it's not a storytelling !or9at that #alls to 9y soul& :a'ing sai( that5 * think * 8oul( be a pretty goo( s#ript doctor5 an( * think it 8oul( be a lot o! !un trying to bang an alrea(y-e4isting s#ript into shape& *'9 not in the slightest bit ro9anti# about 8riting?* lo'e (oing it an( * 8oul( (o it e'en i! it 8eren't 9y =ob5 but as it happens it is 9y =ob5 an( sin#e it's 9y =ob one o! 9y ai9s is to 9ake a lot o! 9oney (oing it5 so * (on't ha'e to (o anything else& This is o##asionally o!!-putting to other !olks but * (on't 8orry about that 9u#h& +eing unro9anti# about 8riting (oesn't 9ake one a hac"?that #o9es 8hen you (on't gi'e a #rap about 8hat you 8rite5 =ust as long as you get pai(& * 8ant to get pai(5 but * #are about 8hat * 8rite& * 8rite !or 9oney5 but * (on't 8rite just !or 9oney& )'ery year * buy a Writer's 6arket5 an( e'ery year * ne'er use it& * buy it to re9in( 9ysel! that i! e'erything * ha'e going !or 9e at the 9o9ent #raters an( #ollapses5 * still ha'e a #ouple thousan( other #han#es to still keep 8riting pro!essionally& * ha'e no goo( ans8er !or H8hat 8oul( you (o i! you (i(n't 8riteJH * #an't i9agine not 8riting& * #an i9agine not 9aking a living at it5 but that's an entirely separate thing& *! * #oul(n't 9ake a li'ing 8riting5 * (on't think it 8oul( parti#ularly 9atter 8hat * (i(5 sin#e * (oubt 9y sel!-i9age 8oul( be #onne#te( to that =ob& * think *'9 a goo( 8riter& * also think *''e been a 'ery lu#ky 8riter& +oth ha'e 8orke( to 9y a('antage at (i!!erent ti9es in 9y #areer& * kno8 that so9e better 8riters ha'e been less lu#ky than *5 an( that so9e 8orse 8riters ha'e been 9ore lu#ky& *n both #ases5 * try not to 8orry too 9u#h about it& * =ust try to 9ake sure that the lu#k * ha'e e'entually gets =usti!ie( by goo( 8riting& *! that gets 9e to a pla#e 8here * #an sprea( so9e o! 9y lu#k aroun(5 so 9u#h the better&

EEE An( no85 an e4pan(e( take on 8anting to be a 8riter5 an( ho8 * got to that point&? %S

Wanting to 1e a Writer

0Augu!t 48' 233<5

Fea(er s4Iitten aske(" When (i( you reali$e you 8ante( to be a 8riter5 an( 8hat 9oti'ate( you to start 8riting seriously A8riting in hopes o! being publishe( as oppose( to 8riting =ust !or !unBJ As !or the H8anting to be a 8riterH thing5 * think *''e 9entione( be!ore 8hen it happene(5 but =ust in #ase * (i(n't5 here it is" * starte( thinking about being a 8riter about age ,25 8hen it be#a9e #lear * 8as goo( at it Agoo( relati'e to being ,25 9in( youB an( also #oin#i(entally it be#a9e #lear that * 8asn't likely to be#o9e an astrono9er A9y !irst #hoi#e o! pro!essionsB be#ause * (i( 9ath only slightly better than le'er :ans5 an( that 8asn't going to be a##eptable i! * 8ante( to be a truly useful astrono9er& The #on!ir9ation that * 8as going to be a 8riter #a9e to 9e 8hen * 8as ,75 8hen * 8as the only ki( to get an HAH on a 8riting assign9ent that the Fresh9an )nglish #o9position tea#her A%ohn :ayesB assigne( to his #lasses5 an( * got it !or a story that really (i(n't re@uire all that 9u#h e!!ort to 8rite Aan( 8as !un to (o as 8ellB& No stupi( ki( *5 * 9a(e the #onne#tion" Writing R pretty easy> )'erything else R 9ore 8ork than it's 8orth& The 9atter o! 8hat 9y !uture pro!ession 8oul( be 8as pretty 9u#h settle( then5 an( * ne'er really #onsi(ere( (oing anything else as a pro!ession a!ter that& This 8as use!ul be#ause unlike 9ost people * (i(n't ha'e to su!!er through the e4istential angst o! 8on(ering 8hat * 8as going to (o 8ith 9y li!e5 8ith the #o99ensurate a#a(e9i# an( e9otional #asting about trying to !igure out 8hat !it& *n(ee(5 as !rien(s 8ho kne8 9e (uring 9y (e'elop9ental years 8oul( no (oubt tell you5 * 8as a#tually !airly (ri'en to8ar( those things * thought 8oul( be use!ul in a 8riting #areer an( rather (eeply apatheti# to8ar( those things that 8ere not& This A#o9bine( 8ith 9y o8n inherent la$inessB 8as 8hy * 9aintaine( a stea(y 2&2 <PA through high s#hool an( #ollege> * 8oul( a#e 9y Huse!ulH #lasses an( get Ds in the #lasses * (i(n't #are about5 be#ause5 really5 * (i(n't care( This (ro'e both 9y 9other an( 9y #ollege girl!rien( absolutely nuts !or (i!!ering reasons5 although *'9 reasonably sure i! you aske( the9 about it no85 they 8oul( gru(gingly a(9it that in retrospe#t * kne8 8hat * 8as (oing& I!m not entirely sure * 8oul( a(9it * kne8 8hat * 8as (oing5 an( *

suspe#t that i! * ha( to (o it o'er again5 * 8oul( probably try har(er in the #lasses in 8hi#h * (i(n't try?not ne#essarily !or the gra(es but be#ause kno8le(ge is use!ul5 an( 8asting it be#ause you (on't think you nee( it is stupi(& +ut li!e (oes-n't gi'e you (oo'ers in that respe#t Aalthough you #an 9ake it up in e4tra #re(it;B5 an( in the en( * 8as !ortunate that 9y #a'alier attitu(e to8ar( 9y o8n e(u#ation see9s not to ha'e #ause( any lasting (a9age& As to the @uestion regar(ing 8hat 9oti'ate( 9e to start 8riting HseriouslyH?8ell5 a!ter the age ,7 re'elation that 8riting 8as easy an( !un an( 9ost other things 8eren't5 * 8oul( suggest that * 8as 8riting HseriouslyH !ro9 that 9o9ent !or8ar(5 sin#e * 9a(e the (e#ision to 9ake 8riting 9y pro!ession& Writing HseriouslyH shoul( not be #on!use( 8ith 8riting pro!essionally or e'en 8riting well?but * 8as a8are that 8hat * 8as 8riting 8as part o! a #ontinuu9 8hi#h 8oul( Ahope!ullyB lea( to a #areer in 8riting& No85 * (on't 8ant to suggest that * ha( a huge a9ount o! saga#ity or perspe#ti'e on the 9atter 8hen * 8as young& Like 9any teens 8ho are goo( at so9ething to a (egree that 9ost o! their !rien(s an( a#@uaintan#es aren't5 * ha( a rather outsi$e( opinion o! 9y 8riting an( its @uality5 a !a#t 8hi#h lea(s 9e to re#all a nu9ber o! in#i(ents in'ol'ing 9e an( 9y 8riting 8hi#h #ause 9e to #ringe to(ay& *n(ee(5 allo8 9e a 9o9ent to say the !ollo8ing" To all the people the younger 9e !or#e( 9y 8riting upon 8hen you 8ere 9erely being polite about 9y enthusias9s" So sorry& Feally& *t 8on't happen again& * ha'e !rien(s !ro9 high s#hool an( #ollege 8ho ha'en't rea( 9u#h o! anything *''e 8ritten sin#e those (ays be#ause they ha( to su!!er through 8hat * 8rote then5 an( * 8as also aggressi'e about 9aking the9 su!!er through it& As a result * a9 9u#h 9ore #ir#u9spe#t to(ay about (oing that sort o! #rap& This is not the sa9e as saying *''e entirely @uelle( the little nee(y HLook; Look; Aren't * so goo( an( #le'er an( !unny and don!t you just love me$2$2$+ (e9on that * ha'e5 be#ause5 oh5 it's there( An( it's not entirely unuse!ul5 espe#ially 8hen it trans9utes into a #apability to tirelessly 8ork the publi#ity roun(s& +ut * (o try to keep it in its #age 9ost o! the ti9e5 an( not spring it on people 8ho are a#tually intereste( in 9e !or things other than 9y 8riting5 or are =ust being polite& ANot entirely surprisingly5 the Whate'er is 'ery use!ul !or this5 sin#e it allo8s 9e a spa#e to be 9y sho8-o!!y an( so9eti9es appallingly arrogant sel! 8ithout ha'ing to take the #o99ensurate step o! !or#ing it on other people& A!ter all5 no one's putting a gun to people's hea(s an( 9aking the9 #o9e to 9y site e'ery (ay Aas !ar as * kno8B& *t's e4hibition 8ithout the pushy pushy pushy that gi'es e4hibition that @ueasy e(ge& Yes5 * 8ant to be like(5 an( seen as a #le'er 8riter& +ut these (ays * (on't 8ant to be like( so 9u#h that * nee( to rub 9ysel! Aor e'ery little bit o! 9y 8ritingB on other people& 6y (ays o! being literary !rotteur are largely o'er&B To go ba#k to the point a!ter this long5 sel!-!lagellating (igression5 8hate'er 9y earlier esti9ations o! 9y 8riting abilities5 9ost o! 8hat * 8rote 8hen * 8as younger 8as 8ritten 8ith an eye !or it being publishe( an( rea( by other people> * ha'e al9ost no personal 8riting o! any sort?8hat little there is e4ists in the !or9 o! high s#hool an( #ollege-era poe9s an( song lyri#s& 3ther8ise5 8hat unpublishe( 9aterial * ha'e e4ists as !aile( book proposals& 3! that stu!!5 * think it 8as al9ost all fun5 other8ise * 8oul(n't ha'e (one it5 but it's all also Hserious&H <enerally speaking5 * (i(n't (istinguish bet8een

the t8o& )'en the Whate'er5 8hi#h began as an un#o99er#ial site Aan( still is5 9ostlyB5 8as also begun to keep in pra#ti#e !or #o99er#ial 8riting& An( o'er ti9e5 *''e sol( @uite a !e8 things that 8ere originally publishe( here5 an( *'9 a8are ho8 the site has helpe( 9y #areer by helping 9e buil( an au(ien#e& When * 8rote *gent as a Hpra#ti#eH no'el Ai&e&5 !or !un an( not !or pro!itB5 a!ter * 8as (one * put it up an( o!!ere( it as share8are Ai&e&5 !or an au(ien#e5 an( !or the9 to pay 9e i! they like( itB& An( o! #ourse5 *''e sol( it as a book sin#e then& So you see that the line is 'ery blurry bet8een 9y H!unH an( 9y HseriousH 8hen it #o9es to 8riting& *! anything5 *'9 so9e8hat less #on#erne( as * get ol(er about 8hat's H!unH an( 8hat's HseriousH in ter9s o! 8riting& At this point in ti9e5 8ith se'en books publishe( an( t8o 9ore in the pipeline !or 20005 reasonably goo( prospe#ts !or selling books a!ter that point5 an( a soli( #areer in 8riting outsi(e o! books5 *'9 'ery #o9!ortable 8ith 8ho * a9 in a pro!essional sense& * (on't really !eel * ha'e to pro'e any 9ore that *''e H9a(e itH as a 8riter or 9easure up to a parti#ular stan(ar(& * ha'e goals5 o! #ourse5 in ter9s o! 8riting" * 8ant to 8rite things * like> * 8ant to 8rite things 9y publishers #an sell> an( 8hen at all possible *'( like the t8o !or9er state9ents to be 8ell-integrate( 8ith ea#h other so * #an #ontinue in this happy #y#le until * #roak& * re#ogni$e that a nu9ber o! 8riters?9any e4#ellent?9ake a strong (istin#tion bet8een their HseriousH an( H!unH 8ork5 or #an register a point 8hen their 8riting stoppe( being si9ply about the =oy o! e4pression an( starte( angling to8ar( so9ething 9ore #ash an( attention-generating5 but *''e ne'er been that 8ay& *'9 not an )9ily Di#kinson type5 either5 #ontent to 8rite stu!! an( keep it in a (ra8er !or the spi(ers an( the e4e#utor o! 9y estate& For better or 8orse5 *''e al8ays 8ritten 8ith an eye to8ar( 9y 8riting being seen an( Ahope!ullyB en=oye( by as 9any people as the 9e(iu9 allo8s& What you see is 8hat you get& An interesting @uestion5 8hi#h * #an't ans8er5 sin#e *'9 insi(e o! it5 is 8hether the notably HpopularH tone o! 9y 8riting #o9es initially !ro9 9y o8n personal 'oi#e5 or the nar#issisti# (esire to rea#h a large au(ien#e& * suspect it's the !or9er5 but then * 8oul(& :a'ing no8 aske( that @uestion5 * (o 8on(er 8hat * 8oul( 8rite i! * (e#i(e( to 8rite so9ething that * didn!t inten( other people to see& To be honest5 the i(ea is so alien to 9e5 *'9 ha'ing a har( ti9e thinking o! anything at all& Whi#h is5 o! #ourse5 !as#inating in itsel!& *'ll ha'e to think about it so9e 9ore&

#@pire Contract!

0Augu!t ?' 23345

Last 8eek5 one o! 9y 8riting #ontra#ts e4pire( an( 8as not rene8e(& Nor9ally5 this is an e'ent that 8oul( !ill 9e 8ith a sort o! in(es#ribable (rea(& As a !reelan#e 8riter5 8hat little sense o! se#urity * ha'e in li!e is in the !or9 o! the long-ter9 #ontra#ts5 usually o! si4 9onths to a year in (uration& These are the 8ay * kno8 that *'ll ha'e a house si4 9onths !ro9 no8 Anot to 9ention 8ill be able to5 you kno85 !ee( 9y (arling 8i!e an( #hil(B& * think o! these #ontra#ts as 9y a#tual Hin#o9e5H 8hi#h is to say the 9oney that goes to pay bills& The spot 8ork * (o ea#h 9onth 9y brain sort o! #onsi(ers as H!reeH 9oney5 8ith no initial assigne( purpose5 to be spent on !ri'olities or5 on o##asion5 sa'e(& This soun(s sort o! #on!using5 but 8hat it really 9eans is that as a pra#ti#al 9atter5 * li'e 8ithin the 9eans pro'i(e( 9e by 9y long-ter9 #ontra#t in#o9e5 not 9y total 8riting in#o9e& So you #an see ho8 losing so9e o! that 9onthly long-ter9 in#o9e #oul( be a little ner'e-8ra#king& :o8e'er5 8hen * 8as tol( this parti#ular #ontra#t 8oul( not be rene8e(5 8hat * a#tually !elt 8as & & &a tiny bit o! relie!& The #ontra#t ha( been so9ething o! a 9is9at#h any8ay> * #oul( !eel it5 as #oul( 9y #lient A8ith 8ho95 * shoul( note5 * ha'e other #ontra#ts5 9ost o! 8hi#h are =ust !ineB& The e4tra in#o9e 8as o! #ourse ni#e5 but there 8as also a s9all sense o! aggra'ation that * ha( about the 8ork5 an( so9e 9is#o99uni#ation on both en(s about ho8 the 8ork 8as going an( 8hat nee(e( to be (one& 6ost o! the rest o! 9y long-ter9 #ontra#t 8ork is sort o! !un5 but this one 8asn't as 9u#h so> it 8as 9ore like a#tual 8ork& This is not to say that * 8oul(n't ha'e taken the 8ork i! they ha( (e#i(e( to rene8& +ut * 8asn't upset 8hen they (e#i(e( not to& The !a#t is5 e'eryone (eser'es to ha'e the 8ork they !eel !its their re@uire9ents5 an( this really 8asn't on either si(e& * 8as !ine 8ith 8alking a8ay& 3r so * thought> * (i( an internal gut #he#k5 ho8e'er5 =ust to be sure& An( really5 no @ual9s& This is a#tually a !airly i9portant thing !or 9e as a 8orking 8riter& *n the last year or so5 *''e rea#he( a le'el o! e4perien#e an( in#o9e 8here * 8as pretty sure that losing a

little 8ork 8oul(n't bother 9e terribly 9u#h> * #oul( take the !inan#ial hit an( 9o'e on5 an( 9y 8riting e4perien#e 8oul( help 9e to repla#e the in#o9e in short or(er& +ut there's a (i!!eren#e bet8een thinking that5 an( 8hat one a#tually !eels in real li!e 8hen it happens& :a'ing the real li!e 'eri!i#ation is ni#e& *t also helpe( that aroun( the sa9e ti9e this one #lient 8as telling 9e they 8oul( not rene85 another #lient o'ernighte( a year-long #ontra#t !or9ali$ing 9y relationship 8ith the9& So 8hile one #hunk o! 9oney 8as taken out o! the Hlong-ter9 in#o9eH le(ger5 another #hunk5 o! 9ore or less e@ual si$e5 (roppe( in& Net5 9y long-ter9 in#o9e is about the sa9e& An( *''e a((e( a #ouple o! sour#es o! spot in#o9e in the last #ouple o! 9onths5 so *'9 not 8orking on a (e!i#it there& Feally5 *''e been 8orse& * shoul( note that 9y 8riting #areer is the only pla#e in 9y li!e 8here 9y (e'outly agnosti# belie! syste9 is routinely #hallenge(> 9y 8riting li!e has been Aso !arB pretty 9u#h a series o! upgra(es& An( the ti9ing is al9ost al8ays 8eir(ly appropriate5 as it 8as in this #ase?one #ontra#t 8ent a8ay5 an( another5 9ostly better5 pops up in its pla#e& This has happene( enough ti9es in 9y #areer that it gets a little spooky5 an( it (oes 9ake 9e 8on(er i! so9eone a#tually 9ight be up there5 looking out !or 9e& * 8oul( not be presu9ptuous enough to say it's <o( :i9C :erC*tsel!?a being that !lings gala4ies at ea#h other =ust to see ho8 they 8ill !ly apart really has 9ore i9portant things to (o than to pay attention to 9y #areer& +ut 9aybe a guar(ian angel& Who kno8s& All * kno8 is that !or 8hate'er reason5 *'9 pro!oun(ly grate!ul 9y #areer has gone like it has& So =ust in #ase so9eone is paying attention up there" Thanks& Feally& Oery 9u#h& There's a !lip si(e5 o! #ourse?ti9e5 ti9e5 al8ays ti9e> so9ething nee(e( an( so9ething in (angerously short supply& For e4a9ple5 on 6on(ays * usually 8rite a ne8sletter5 a Whate'er an( a 'i(eo ga9e re'ie8& Well5 this 8eek5 the ne8sletter an( the Whate'er 8ere 8ritten on Sun(ay5 be#ause on 6on(ay * ha'e to 9ake a boatloa( o! phone #alls?!irst to !inish the argin'-!argin' business arti#le * 8as 8riting last 8eek5 an( se#on( to gather in!or9ation on another arti#le5 8hi#h 8ill be a #o'er story !or a 9aga$ine?9y !irst #o'er story e'er5 an( *'9 thrille( beyon( 8or(s to be able to (o it5 presu9ing these people return 9y argin'-!argin' phone #alls& These pie#es are i9portant enough that * #an't ha'e other 8ork in 9y 8ay& So A!or no85 at leastB5 9y 8ork 8eek has e4pan(e( e'er-so-slightly5 an( no8 it's really ti9e to see i! * a#tually (o ha'e ti9e 9anage9ent skills A* (o& +ut like a relu#tant gun!ighter5 * hate to 8hip 'e9 out unless * ha'e no other #hoi#eB& The thing about the (roppe( #ontra#t is that really5 !or the !irst ti9e5 * #an say it's =ust business?*'9 not @uestioning 9y skills or 9y abilities5 an( * (on't see the (roppe( #ontra#t as a re!eren(u9 on 9y #areer& *t's =ust 8ork& So9eti9es 8ork #o9es5 so9eti9es it goes5 an( so9eti9es it's not the 8orst thing that #oul( happen 8hen it goes& *t's ni#e to be at this point& Let's see ho8 long it lasts&

Critici!$

0January 28' 233;5

A rea(er sent 9e an e-9ail yester(ay letting 9e kno8 that 8hile he en=oye( 4ld &an!s %ar' he ha( a #ouple o! suggestions about the story that he thought 8oul( 9ake it e'en better5 8hi#h he then pro#ee(e( to pro'i(e to 9e& *t 8as basi#ally all * #oul( (o to keep !ro9 #he8ing o!! the insi(e o! 9y #heek& *t's not this guy's !ault5 9in( you& * un(erstan( that he 8as genuinely trying to be help!ul5 an( * appre#iate that he like( the story enough to o!!er suggestions on ho8 it #oul( be i9pro'e(& The intentions are goo( an( * 8oul(n't 8ant this guy to think * thought he 8as out o! line !or 9aking suggestions5 or that he shoul( be sto9pe( to (eath by 70-!oot !ighting robots !or ha'ing the te9erity to @uestion 9y prose& +ut ha'ing sai( that5 H#onstru#ti'e #riti#is9H (ri'es 9e up a !reakin' 8all& To be entirely honest5 * like #riti#is9 o! 9y 8ork to be generally un#onstru#ti'e& * (on't 9in( i!5 say5 you tell 9e 9y (ialogue stinks an( is unrealisti#5 but * (o 9in( i! you tell 9e 9y (ialogue stinks an( the 8ay to !i4 it is to (o A or + or & When * ha( 4ld &an!s %ar out to beta testers5 * aske( the9 to #at#h gra99ar5 spelling an( #ontinuity errors5 an( to tell 9e 8hat they like( an( (i(n't like about the story& +ut * also spe#i!i#ally tol( the9 not to o!!er suggestions on ho8 to !i4 things& WhyJ +e#ause * (i(n't 8ant to hear the9& *t's enough !or 9e to kno8 i! you think so9ething's not 8orking in the 8riting& *t's 9y =ob as a 8riter to !igure out ho8 to !i4 these proble9s?or not5 sin#e so9ething you 9ight see as a bug in the 8riting is so9ething that * 9ight see as a !eature& 3! #ourse5 this little @uirk o! 9y 8riting #hara#ter #o9es a#ross as arrogan#e5 an( * #op to that& *''e al8ays been arrogant 8hen it #o9es to 8riting> * re9e9ber ba#k as a !irst year stu(ent in #ollege getting into trouble 8ith 9y Art :istory TA 8hen * re!use( to parti#ipate in #lassroo9 peer re'ie8 o! other stu(ents' papers& * re!use( on the groun(s that inas9u#h as the other stu(ents 8eren't a#tually @uali!ie( either as )nglish or Art instru#tors5 any #o99ents they 9ight ha'e 8oul( be o! @uestionable utility to 9e an( there!ore a 8aste o! 9y ti9e5 an( be#ause i! * 8as going to ha'e re'ie8 other people's 8ork an( basi#ally (o the TA's =ob5 * 8ante( to get pai(& This position assure( 9e o! getting rea9e( by the TA 8hen it #a9e ti9e to get papers gra(e( A* think * en(e( up

getting a - in the #lassB5 but * (i(n't #are about that& An(5 irony o! ironies5 as soon as *'9 (one 8ith this Whate'er5 *'ll be starting an arti#le on the Da(a 9o'e9ent an( getting pai( ni#ely !or it& So 8e #an see ho8 the battle o! the -9inus-gi'ing-TA 's& 9y youth!ul arrogan#e e'entually panne( out& +ut asi(e !ro9 the @uestion o! 9y arrogan#e Aor at least only tangentially relate( to itB #o9es the @uestion o! the #riti#'s #o9peten#e& )'eryone's entitle( to their o8n opinion5 an( speaking as a pro!essional #riti#5 *'9 all !or people e4pressing their point o! 'ie8& You (on't nee( to be a pro!essional 9usi#ian to kno8 you like a parti#ular pie#e o! 9usi#5 or a pro!essional 8riter to kno8 8hat you like an( (on't like about an arti#le or story& Lots o! #reati'e people see9 to think that only their peers are @uali!ie( to #riti#i$e5 but that's =ust a stupi( (e!ensi'e 9easure #reati'e types pull out o! their ass 8hen they (on't 8ant to a(9it that being #riti#i$e( si9ultaneously stings an( (e!lates the ego& While e'eryone's #o9petent to e4press an opinion about 8hether so9ething 8orks5 it (oesn't stan( to reason that e'eryone is in a position to suggest ho8 the pie#e 9ight be i9pro'e(& *n(epen(ent o! the spe#i!i# #riti#5 there's no reason to belie'e that the pie#e 8oul( be i9pro'e( i!5 say5 (i!!erent plot bran#hes 8ere utili$e(5 or i! #ertain 9oti'ations 8ere e4plore(5 or 8hate'er& The en( result o! these #hanges #oul( be a 8orse pie#e5 or a better one5 or si9ply one that is e@ually ba( in a #o9pletely (i!!erent 8ay& hanging so9ething is not i9pli#itly e@ui'alent to i9pro'ing so9ething& +a#k aroun( the &urmur era o! things !or F)65 people #o9plaine( that they #oul(n't un(erstan( 6i#hael Stipe's lyri#s& +ut i! they #oul(5 8oul( the 9usi# ha'e been betterJ Not ne#essarily> Stipe's 9a((ening 9u9ble 8as part o! early F)6's allure& &urmur 9ight ha'e been better i! you #oul( hear 8hat Stipe 8as saying> but then again5 it 9ight ha'e been 8orse& Then there's the 9atter o! personal #o9peten#e as it relates to 9aking suggestions about 8riting& No o!!ense5 people5 but 9ost o! you aren't pro!essional 8riters or e(itors5 an( that (oes 9ake a (i!!eren#e& When Patri#k Nielsen :ay(en #o9es to 9e 8ith spe#i!i# suggestions about 8hat nee(s to be (one to pun#h up 4ld &an!s %ar Aas he's alrea(y tol( 9e he 8illB5 you're (a9n right *'ll listen> he's Senior )(itor o! Tor an( in that #apa#ity kno8s ho8 to shape te4t so that it's both su##ess!ul #reati'ely an( has a shot in the 9arketpla#e5 an( those are t8o things * 8ant the book to be an( ha'e& Were another 8orking no'elist to o!!er unsoli#ite( a('i#e on a plot point5 * 8oul( like8ise listen attenti'ely& These people ha'e the real 8orl( e4perien#e that #on'in#es 9e they kno8 8hat they're talking about& Short o! those #ategories5 ho8e'er5 *'9 liable to ask 9ysel! ho8 9u#h you kno8 about the (yna9i#s o! 8riting pro!essionally5 an( i! the ans8er * get is Hnot 9u#h5H * 8ill then ask 9ysel! 8hy * shoul( be listening to your spe#i!i# 8riting suggestions& Do#tors (on't listen to suggestions !ro9 their baker on ho8 to per!or9 surgery Aor i! they (o to be polite5 they (on't usually take the9 'ery seriouslyB& They listen to (o#tors& Like8ise5 8hen it #o9es to the nuts an( bolts o! 8riting5 * go to 8riters an( e(itors !irst& Yes5 * reali$e this goes ba#k to the 8hole Harrogan#eH thing& +ut5 you kno85 look?*''e been 8riting pro!essionally !or 8ell o'er a (e#a(e no8& This is 8hat * (o& Finan#ially speaking5 this is all * (o& This is 9y (ay =ob& When it #o9es to 8riting5 *'9 pretty #on!i(ent * kno8 8hat *'9 (oing A9ost o! the ti9eB& * (o try not to be stupi( in 9y arrogan#e& When * 8as 8riting 9y astrono9y book5 *

ha( a #ouple o! !rien(s 8ith PhDs in astrono9y look o'er so9e early #hapters5 on the prin#iple that they5 being (o#tors o! astrono9y5 8ere e9inently @uali!ie( to tell 9e i! an( 8hen * ha( 9y hea( up 9y re#tu9 Ait 8asn't5 9ostlyB& An( *'9 not saying that non8riters #an't ha'e e4#ellent suggestions about the #ra!t o! 8riting> they #an an( (o5 both in a general sense an( spe#i!i#ally relating to 9y 8ork& *'9 not e'en saying that * (on't so9eti9es ask !or a('i#e !ro9 non-8riters5 or 8riters 8ho are not yet pro!essional 8riters> *''e (one both5 an( 9y 8riting is better !or it& What * a9 saying is that i! you're not a 8riter or e(itor5 an( you o!!er 9e spe#i!i# 8riting a('i#e 8ithout pro9pting5 you shoul( kno8 *'9 going to #onsi(er the sour#e in e'aluating ho8 use!ul the a('i#e is to 9e& Please (on't be too o!!en(e( i! 9y esti9ation o! its utility ulti9ately (i!!ers !ro9 yours& * (o appre#iate the thought5 honestly& +ut this isn't one o! those situations 8here it's only the thought that #ounts&

>et &e -e(rite

0Fe1ruary 23' 23395

*''e terri!ie( 9y rea(er Ta9ar 8ith a #o99ent * 9a(e in a re#ent entry threa( on the sub=e#t o! re8riting5 so it's 8orth #lari!ying& *n the #o99ent threa( !or the entry5 %ohn Popa aske(" HAs an aspiring-to-be-publishe( 8riter5 *'9 #urious as to ho8 9u#h re8riting you e4pe#t !ro9 this pointJ :o8 '(one' is this '(oneJ'H 6y response5 in part" * re8rite only 'ery rarely5 9ostly be#ause * ten( to resol'e 9ost o! 9y 8riting issues (uring the initial 8riting& *n so9e sense * think Hre-8ritingH is an arti!a#t o! the (ays o! type8riters5 8hen it 8asn't easy or pra#ti#al to re8ork 9aterial on the !ly& With #o9puters5 it's 9u#h si9pler to 9akes #hanges as you go along& This strikes Ta9ar as 'ery 8rong& While granting 9e props !or 9y 9a( 8riting skill$ A8hi#h * appre#iateB5 Ta9ar not un=usti!iably 8orries that *'9 setting a ba( e4a9ple by es#he8ing re8rites5 noting on her personal site" & & & it s#ares 9e to think o! so9e 8riter out there taking his opinion to heart5 so9eone like 9y !rien(5 looking !or 'ali(ation an( an outsi(e =usti!i#ation to a'oi( the 8ork that nee(s (oing& The 8orl( alrea(y has too 9any ba(5 une(ite( no'els& * 8oul( agree that there are in(ee( too 9any ba(5 une(ite( no'els out there Aan( too 9any ba( e(ite( ones5 too5 although that's a (i!!erent 9atter entirelyB5 an( * 8oul( also agree 8holehearte(ly that as a 8riter *'9 probably a terrible e4a9ple to !ollo8& +ut that (oesn't surprise 9e in the least> *''e al8ays !igure( that 8as the #ase& 6a9as5 (on't let your babies gro8 up to be %ohn S#al$i& * also (on't 8ant to single 9ysel! out as a 8riter 8ho is =ust so goo( * (on't nee( to re8rite?* 9ean5 * think *'9 a pretty goo( 8riter5 y'all5 but o!! the top o! 9y hea( * #an think o! @uite a !e8 * think are better than 9e& * ha'e no i(ea 8hat their philosophy on re8rite is& An( it 9ight be that a!ter 9y e(itor rea(s the book5 he'll ship it ba#k to 9e 8ith a note that rea(s HAre you high$ This is #rap;H?a possibility 8hi#h * note is e'en more realisti# no85 sin#e last night * 8as rerea(ing the book an( * suspe#t 9y #opy e(it !orgot to #orre#t the na9e o! one #hara#ter #hanging !ro9 H+obH to H+illH about t8othir(s o! the 8ay through& As they say" D'oh; +e that as it 9ay5 * (on't (o re8rites?or 9ore a##urately5 * ha'en't done re8rites> *

9ay (o the9 in the !uture Ane'er say ne'erB& Why ha'en't * (one re8ritesJ 6ostly be#ause * ne'er ha'e5 e'er Athere's an e4#eption to this5 8hi#h * 8ill get toB& +a#k in high s#hool5 * ha( a history tea#her 8ho 8oul( 9ake us turn in our !irst (ra!ts o! papers along 8ith our !inal (ra!ts> * 8oul( 8rite the paper an( then 8rite out a H!irst (ra!tH outline base( on 8hat *'( 8ritten Asuitably 9esse( up so as to sho8 Hi9pro'e9entH !ro9 the rough (ra!t to the !inalB& Fro9 this un(oubte(ly ba( pra#ti#e *''e #ontinue( 8ith a basi# philosophy o! things being (one 8hen *'9 (one 8riting the9& The only (e!ense * #an possibly o!!er !or it is that it see9s to 8ork !or 9e& 6y non!i#tion books 8ere sent in to e(itors as originally 8ritten5 an( 8ere all generally 8ellregar(e( by the e(itors an( re'ie8ers Aparti#ularly the 3niverse book5 8hi#h pleases 9e to no en(B& 4ld &an!s %ar5 8hi#h sol( to Tor5 8as essentially the !irst 'ersion o! itsel! as 8ell> * 9a(e so9e 9inor #hanges base( on #o99ents !ro9 a #a(re o! truste( beta testers5 but nothing that @uali!ies as a true re8rite& The !irst short story * 8rote !or sale sol( as an original e(ition Aan( to the !irst pla#e * sub9itte(& Whoo-hoo;B& An( 8ith arti#les both !or 9aga$ines an( books5 e(itors tell 9e AusuallyB one o! the reasons they like 8orking 8ith 9e is that * turn in #opy they (on't ha'e to !i((le 8ith all that 9u#h& That #opy again ten(s to be the original te4t& *n short5 * ha'e no objection to the #on#ept o! re8riting5 * =ust ha'en't had to& What * (o 8orks !or 9e so !ar& AThe e4#eption to this" business 8riting5 8hi#h is constantly re8ritten to suit #lient nee(s5 8hi#h are5 9ore !re@uently than not5 a 9o'ing5 e'ol'ing an(?one 9ust say? #apri#ious target& * #an't tell you the nu9ber o! ti9es *'ll !inish so9ething !or a #lient5 an( they'll say5 H:ey5 this is great5 but 8e're #hanging the !o#us?#an you re8riteJH 6y response" * get pai( !or business 8riting by the hour& 3! course * #an re8rite&B * attribute not ha'ing to (o a lot o! re8rite to se'eral !a#tors5 8hi#h in#lu(e" Years 8orking at a ne8spaper& You learn to 8rite !ast an( reasonably goo( an( in a 9anner 8hi#h (oes not re@uire substantial e(iting& 3r your e(itors an( #opye(itors stab you to (eath an( hang your #orpse in the ne8sroo9 as a 8arning to the other sta!! 8riters& A relati'ely high personal #rap (ete#tion syste9& * a95 thank <o(5 not un(er the illusion that e'erything * 8rite is pure gol(& * 8rite a lot o! #rap& * =ust (on't AusuallyB let other people see it& Like e'ery other 8riter in the uni'erse * ha'e se'eral trash bags !ull o! stories5 arti#les an( 9ean(erings that 8ere strangle( the 'ery instant * reali$e( ho8 hi(eously 9isshapen they 8ere& * (on't ten( to spen( any ti9e trying to re'i'e these #reati'e abortions through re8riting> * ten( to belie'e Aan( this is stri#tly as relates to 9y o8n 8ritingB that re8riting these tur(s 8oul( 9erely en( up 8ith 9e ha'ing a highly polishe( tur( on 9y han(s& * (on't 9in( pro(u#ing tur(s5 8hi#h are a natural an( healthy part o! li!e& * =ust (on't 8ant the9 to #o9e out o! 9y brain an( through 9y !ingertips& S A relati'ely realisti# assess9ent o! 9y strengths an( 8eaknesses as a 8riter& An( #o9ple9entary to that5 a 8illingness to 8rite to 9y strengths an( (istra#t people !ro9 9y 8eaknesses through the use o! han( gestures an( shiny bits o! !oil 8hile * 8ork on those 8eaknesses o!!stage& This is not to say that * only 8rite 8hat * alrea(y kno8> that'( be stupi(& +ut it 9eans *'9 generally happy to (o things in#re9entally& For 9y no'el The *ndroid!s Dream5 8hi#h * =ust #o9plete(5 9y big personal inno'ation is thir(-person storytelling an( 9ultiple storylines& Not a re'olutionary

a('an#e in the genre o! storytelling in general5 but a use!ul an( ne#essary step !or 9e as a 8riter5 an( one * #oul( take 8hile still Ahope!ullyB #hurning out a !un an( rea(able story& * (on't kno8 8hat the ne4t step !or 9e 8ill be yet5 although * ha'e a !e8 i(eas& +ut *'ll guarantee that it'll be a relati'ely s9all a('an#e an( that i! it 8orks 8ell you 8on't noti#e it be#ause you're en=oying the story *''e 8ritten& *! * (o enough o! these in tan(e95 se'eral books (o8n the roa( *'ll be a 9u#h better 8riter and hope!ully 8ill ha'e built a !ollo8ing& This (oes 9ean that there are things you 8on't see 9e (o5 at least !or a 8hile& 3ne o! the reasons * lo'e hina 6ie'ille's 8riting5 !or e4a9ple5 is that it's a style * si9ply #annot (o& *t (oesn't 9ean his style is inherently better or 8orse than 9ine Aalthough * #heer!ully allo8 at this =un#ture that o! the t8o o! us he is the better 8riterB5 9erely that * #an't (o it& Perhaps a!ter a !e8 9ore books are un(er 9y belt5 * #an try so9ething along that line& We'll ha'e to see& A stint as an e(itor& Whi#h (i( t8o things !or 9e" First5 it 9a(e 9e appre#iate the pain e(itors go through on a (aily basis5 an( the pain * personally 9a(e the9 go through 8ith so9e o! 9y 8riting5 thus !ore'er a!ter pro9pting 9e to respe#t the 8ork they (o !or 8riters an( to see the9 as a partner in the pro#ess rather than an ene9y? an( also to try to get the9 9aterial they #oul( 8ork 8ith Ai&e&5 it a((e( a signi!i#ant boost to 9y personal #rap (ete#torB& Se#on(5 it 9a(e 9e rather 9ore a8are o! 8hat 8orks in 8riting an( 8hy?both in a general sense5 an( in the sense o! 9y o8n personal tastes an( in#linations& * don!t say this 9akes 9e a !abulous e(itor o! 9y o8n 8ork> like any 8riter5 *'9 really #lose to 8hat #o9es out o! 9y hea(& * do say it 9akes 9e 9ore sensiti'e to 8hat's 8orking an( 8hat's not as * 8rite& 3n#e you''e 8ren#he( your hea( into an e(itorial 9in(set5 it stays 8ith you5 an( that's a (a9n use!ul thing& * 8ill note that * think it is incredibly signi!i#ant that * only starte( selling books a!ter * spent ti9e being an e(itor& Felate( to this" Years as a #riti#& *''e spent #ountless hours 8at#hing an( rea(ing storytelling an( then 8riting about ho8 an( 8hy it 8orks?or (oesn't& 6ost o! this has in'ol'e( 9o'ies5 8hi#h * think has (e!initely rubbe( o!! on 9y 8riting> 8hen 9y !i#tion agent !irst rea( 9y 8ork5 he aske( 9e i! * ha( originally en'isione( the9 as 9o'ies& The ans8er 8as no5 but * #oul( see 8hy he thought that& *! you spen( a signi!i#ant portion o! your li!e looking at storytelling an( ha'ing to 9ake an opinion on it?an( then ha'ing to e.plain that opinion to an au(ien#e?then you learn about stru#ture an( story an( 8hat 8orks an( 8hat (oesn't Aor at least 8hat 8orks an( 8hat (oesn't !or youB& As an asi(e5 * !in( that being a #riti# has also gi'en 9e a tre9en(ous #on!i(en#e to 8rite the stu!! * kno8 * like as a rea(er& As a #riti#5 *'9 not tre9en(ously i9presse( 8ith 8riting Aor 9o'ies or 9usi#B that is intentionally opa@ue or (i!!i#ult or obs#ure?none o! 8hi#h is ne#essarily a synony9 !or H#hallenging5H 8hi#h goo( art o!ten stri'es to be? an( * also see the 'alue in entertaining an au(ien#e !or the si9ple sake o! entertaining an au(ien#e Aespe#ially 8hen * personally a9 entertaine(B& So para(o4i#ally5 * think being a #riti# has 9a(e 9e less o! a snob& This is goo( !or 9e as a 8riter5 be#ause 9y no'els are not5 shall 8e say5 high-!iber brain !oo( at this point& * 8ant the9 to be entertaining be#ause I like to be entertaine(& *'9 8riting the books *'( 8ant to rea( 8hen *'9 stu#k in so9e airport hell5 8ith a !light #an#elle( an( nothing to (o until they #all 9y

na9e !or stan(by& S Doing a buttloa( o! re8rite in 9y hea(& * take 9arathon sho8ers?8e're talking 7. 9inutes to an hour?not be#ause *'9 a !ilthy5 !ilthy 9an Aor not just be#auseB but be#ause * ten( to get 9y best thinking (one there& An( 8hy notJ * 9ean5 you're =ust standing there& Why not thinkJ An( 8hat * ten( to think about is" ,ow the hell am I going to get myself out of the corner I!ve just written myself into$ * spen( a lot o! ti9e =ust stan(ing there5 going through plot s#enarios in 9y hea(5 #hopping o!! story i(eas that aren't 8orking5 pu9ping up the i(eas that are 8orking an( generally 8restling 8ith a lot o! the issues that * suspe#t other 8riters (eal 8ith on the 8ritten page& 6u#h o! this thinking relates to i99e(iate 8riting issues5 but * also use the ti9e to think up big i(eas an( then let the9 a##rete in 9y brain?stu!! that has no i99e(iate pra#ti#al purpose !or 8hat *'9 8riting that (ay but 8hi#h 8ill #o9e in han(y perhaps later in the book or e'en in an entirely unrelate( pro=e#t& * #all this sort o! thinking HgestatingH 8ith the allusion to pregnan#y entirely intentional& With gestating thoughts * ten( not to (o anything 8ith the9 until * kno8 they're rea(y& * gestate( the i(ea o! 4ld &an!s %ar !or a #ouple o! years until it be#a9e #lear it 8as ti9e to 8rite it& *''e got three or !our big i(eas gestating as 8e speak5 an( so9e are #loser to popping out than others& There's no point rushing any o! the9& An( 8hat the 9eans is that 8hen they're rea(y to go5 *''e alrea(y li'e( 8ith the9 !or a long ti9e& * think that #uts (o8n the nee( to (o a lot o! re8riting to !in( the general shape o! a story& No85 ha'ing sai( all this5 8hat 8ill * (o 8hen 9y e(itors #o9e ba#k to 9e Aas they ine'itably 8illB an( say" This part needs to be rewritten$ Well5 *'ll re8rite it5 o! #ourse& * kno8 that =ust like * kno8 ho8 to (o 9y =ob5 9y e(itor kno8s his =ob5 an( 8e both 8ant the book to (o 8ell& As *''e 9entione( be!ore5 *'9 not precious 8ith 9y te4t& The 8or(s are 8or(s5 not glistening =e8els sparkling in the sunlight& Wor(s are 9eant to (o wor"& Things that 8ork nee( to be tol( 8hat to (o an( ho8 to (o it& So9eti9es they're not (oing it right& * (i( 9y =ob getting the 8ork to the e(itor in as goo( a shape as possible5 but *'9 8ell a8are that this only the !irst step in 9aking it rea(y !or an au(ien#e& Nor (o * think *'ll never re8rite on 9y o8n& *t's entirely possible at one point or another so9ething * 8rite is going to nee( a re8rite?*'( be stupi( not to (o it& * 9ight ha'e so9e ego 8rappe( up in not ha'ing (one re8rites Ait is kin( o! an unusual thingB5 but * ha'e rather more ego 8rappe( up in not 8riting terrible stu!!& 6y ego 8ill get o'er re8riting so9ething& +ut i! * 8rote a #rappy book an( it es#ape( into the 8orl(5 *'( ha'e to li'e 8ith that !or a real long ti9e& *! the #hoi#e is bet8een re8rite an( releasing #rap5 get 9e re8rite&

The >ripe! of the /npu1li!he

0April 4' 23395

:ere's an interesting #o99ent to so9e 8riting a('i#e * poste( a #ouple o! (ays ago5 !ro9 so9eone 8ho #hose to i(enti!y hi9sel! as Hanony9ous unpublishe( nobo(yH" * (o appre#iate the #an(or5 ho8e'er sel!-satis!yingly it 8as 8or(e(& * !urther appre#iate the inspiration to ne'er atte9pt to be publishe(5 i! your 'ie8 o! the publishing in(ustry rings true& *! it is the !rustrating =ob that you (es#ribe5 it has lost its purpose in our so#iety& * hate to soun( like the hopeless ro9anti# Aokay5 so * (on't hate to & & &B5 but 8hat goo( is the 8riting in(ustry i! all young (rea9ers 8ith in!inite an( ulti9ately 8aste( potential ha'e their pretty little illusions shattere( by =a(e( 8orkaholi# laborers in 8hat soun(s like an o##upational en'iron9ent in a #ertain Frit$ Lang !il9J We #an in#lu(e all the #le'er phrases an( #ultural na9e-(ropping in our posts as 8e like5 but 8hat this see9s to a9ount to is one sel!-i9portant an( bitter 'eteran's 'itrioli# rant against 8hat he on#e 8as& The young an( the unpublishe( 9ay be silly an( sel!-i9portant an( !ull o! arrogant little illusions5 but is it not better to !ight !or i(ealisti# lost #auses than to thro8 e!!ort into a 9eaningless rat ra#e un(er the guise o! an artisti# in(ustryJ Your publishing in(ustry is =ust a 9in(-nu9bing entertain9ent in(ustry& The publishing in(ustry * see is a personal battle!iel(& The sa9e @uestions you ask #an be aske( o! you& You see the truth o! 8hat it takes to be Ha 8riter&H Why shoul( * #areJ So9eone is 9aking 9ore 9oney than 9e as a 8riter be#ause they publish photo#opies o! the sa9e ol( no'el& Why shoul( * #areJ * 9ay ne'er get publishe(& Why shoul( * #areJ *! an art be#o9es an in(ustry5 it has lost its purpose& An( i! a 8riter loses his illusions5 ho8e'er silly they are5 then he has lost his ability to (rea9& 6y response" Nh5 o"ay& *'ll (eal 8ith the personal stu!! !irst& As to the #harge o! sel!-i9portan#e" 8ell5 yeah& This is not ne8s& As to the #harge o! bitterness" unlikely5 sin#e 8hile there are people 8ho #oul( !in( the (ark si(e o! being able to (o e'erything they e'er 8ante( to (o 8ith their pro!essional #areer5 *'9 personally not one o! the9& As to the #harge o! being angry at 9y younger sel!" also unlikely5 as 9y younger sel! ha( basi#ally the sa9e approa#h

to 8riting as 9y #urrent sel!5 8hi#h is5 a!ter all5 a large part o! 8hy * a9 in the !ortuitous 8riting position * a9 in at the 9o9ent& * 8oul( i9agine i! the 9e o! to(ay #oul( talk to 9e 8hen * 8as 2,5 the #on'ersation 8oul( go so9ething like this" 6e No8" :ey5 =ust so you kno85 by the ti9e you're thirty-!i'e you'll ha'e 8ritten si4 books5 ha'e been a nationally syn(i#ate( ne8spaper #olu9nist5 you'll re'ie8 9o'ies5 9usi#5 an( 'i(eo ga9es an( get pai( to spout o!! on 8hate'er you !eel like& An( you'll be 9arrie( to a super-hot babe an( ha'e a super#ute ki(5 an( they'll both be s9arter than you are& 6e Then" Fo#k; 6e No8" Yes5 e4a#tly& No8 gi'e 9e your hair& As to 8hy this !ello8 shoul( #are 8hat * think" beats 9e& As *''e note( be!ore5 * rea(ily a(9it to ha'ing 9y hea( up 9y ass& *! so9eone rea(ily a(9its to that5 #learly the i(ea o! caveat emptor is strongly i9plie(& So that's the easy part& No8 let's talk about this thing about i(ealisti# young 8riters being #rushe( by the un!eeling publishing 8orl( an( nee(ing their illusions5 8hi#h5 !rankly5 *'9 not e4a#tly sure * !ollo8 in the 9anner the 8riter inten(e(& +ut let's gi'e it the #ollege try& H*s it not better to !ight !or i(ealisti# lost #auses than to thro8 e!!ort into a 9eaningless rat ra#e un(er the guise o! an artisti# in(ustryJH Possibly5 but e'en better to 8rite 8hat you 8ant an( then !in( an appropriate pla#e to get it publishe(& There are ,5000 9aga$ines an( ,5000 book publishers liste( in 9y ;<<= %riter!s &ar"et& Pro'i(e( you #an a#tually string together senten#es into paragraphs that (on't (e9onstrably suc"5 there's a pretty goo( #han#e you #an get publishe( 9ore or less on your o8n ter9s5 parti#ularly i! you're not !ussy about being pai( a 8hole lot& Short o! 8riting gay slash porn about the hot5 9oist lo'e bet8een Trans!or9ers an( prehistori# trilobites AHIekk the trilobite positione( hi9sel! on his ba#k an( opene( his 9ultiple legs 8el#o9ingly to 6egatron5 8ho began his eroti# trans!or9ation& '6y <o(5' Iekk sai(5 breathlessly& 'There really is 9ore than 9eets the eye;'HB 9ost goo( 8riting #an get sol(& H*! an art be#o9es an in(ustry5 it has lost its purpose&H This 9akes a !abulous 9a4i9 to spout at your #ollege #o!!ee shop to that hot young bla#k-#la( 6ar4ist you really 8ant to sleep 8ith5 but 8hat (oes it a#tually 9eanJ 3ne #oul( easily argue that 8hen art be#o9es an in(ustry5 it's an e4a9ple o! the (e9o#rati$ation o! aestheti#s?bringing art to the people at a!!or(able pri#es an( thereby enri#hing the national (is#ourse& *n this s#enario5 i! an art be#o9es an in(ustry5 it gains a purpose5 (oes it notJ * 9ean5 #o9e on?enri#hing the #o99on 9an; That'll get you se4 !ro9 your 6ar4ist !or sure& 6y anony9ous !rien( #learly has a bugaboo about Hin(ustry5H but in(ustry isn't inherently e'il?in(ustry 9erely i9plies syste9ati$e( pro(u#tion an(Cor (istribution o! a parti#ular goo( or ser'i#e& Personally5 *'9 pretty happy about the i(ea o! syste9ati$e( pro(u#tion sin#e that syste9 gets 8hat * 8rite in !ront o! 9ore people than * #oul( e'er (o 9ysel!> *'9 la$y an( * also (on't ha'e the ti9e to han(#ra!t (istribution (eals 8ith thousan(s o! bookstores a#ross the #ountry& The ob'ious re=oin(er here is that in(ustry also ine'itably #o9presses #hoi#e?in a

rush to get into the stores5 publishers 9ust anti#ipate an( publish 8hat sells as oppose( to 8hat's goo(& +ut asi(e !ro9 not being ne8s at all A* i9agine <utenberg 9a(e +ibles be#ause they sell 8ellB5 * re!er you again to the stat * @uote abo'e" ,5000 9aga$ines an( ,5000 book publishers& Your (i!!i#ult but brilliant book 9ay be an a8!ul !it !or a publisher 8ho nee(s to sell 705000 #opies to break e'en but a per!e#t !it !or an a#a(e9i# publisher 8ho #onsi(ers ,5000 #opies sol( to be a 9assi'e hit& Your trashy ro9an#e no'el 8on't get past the gate at one publisher but 9ight be 9a(ly e9bra#e( at another& HAn( i! a 8riter loses his illusions5 ho8e'er silly they are5 then he has lost his ability to (rea9&H 3h5 please& <et a grip& * #an't e'en begin to #ount all the 8ays this line (oesn't 9ake the slightest bit o! sense& +ut here's one" *llusions5 by (e!inition5 are !alse?an( there!ore not at all use!ul !or a 8riter to ha'e& Writers 8ith illusions about their talent5 or about the state o! publishing5 or about li!e in general are boun( to be #ontinually (isappointe(5 be#ause the real 8orl( (oesn't #are about your illusions& 3n the other han(5 i! you kno8 8hat you're goo( at5 kno8 ho8 things get publishe( an( ha'e a goo( grip on your general situation5 you're in an e4#ellent position to 9ake your 8riting (rea9s #o9e true5 inas9u#h as they in'ol'e a#tually being pro!essionally publishe(& *'ll tell you one true thing5 8hi#h is that * spen( a lot o! 9y ti9e re#ently thinking about 8hat *'9 going to 8rite ne4t?the ne4t bat#h o! book i(eas *'9 going to sen( to 9y agents to 9ake the roun(s5 as 8ell as so9e book i(eas that *'9 !airly sure 9y agents 8on't see as salable but 8hi#h * suspe#t *'ll probably !i((le 8ith any8ay be#ause * want to5 an( 8ho #ares i! they #an sell the9 or not Athere's al8ays the Web siteB& Point is5 * (on't ha'e 9u#h in the 8ay o! illusions regar(ing the business o! 8riting& Yet strangely enough5 that (oesn't stop 9e !ro9 ha'ing @uite a !e8 (rea9s& * think the !un(a9ental proble9 that this anony9ous (u(e 9ight ha'e is si9ply that he see9s to think 8riting is too (ear !or the pre(ations o! the real 8orl(& Well5 8hate'er& * really (on't kno8 8hat to tell people 8ho sort o! airily go o!! about ho8 8riting is this great5 honest pure thing that has been sub=ugate( to the banal ra'ish9ents o! the soulless 9a#hine kno8n as Hpublishing5H but * suppose that's be#ause 9y relationship 8ith the 9use has al8ays been5 shall 8e say5 a pragmatic one& People o!ten ask 9e 8hen it 8as * kne8 * 8ante( to be a 8riter5 an( * usually tell the9 it 8as 8hen * 8as in 9y !irst year o! high s#hool5 8hen * reali$e( that !or 9e 8riting 8as really easy an( 9ost other things A9ath5 languages5 getting (atesB 8ere kin( o! hard& An( so *?an( * re9e9ber this 'ery #learly?9a(e the #ons#ious (e#ision that 8hat * 8as going to (o 8as !o#us on being a 8riter be#ause 8riting 8ell 9eant I could avoid real wor"& So * #an say that !ro9 the 'ery beginning 9y (esire to 8rite 8as intensely pra#ti#al" being a goo( 8riter 9eant * 9ight 9ake a li'ing being a 8riter5 8hi#h 9eant * #oul( a'oi( (oing the things * (i(n't 8ant to (o Ai&e&5 (a9n near e'erything elseB& That's 8hat * (i(& So !ar5 it's 8orke( pretty 8ell& *'9 har(ly bitter about 8here it's taken 9e& 6ost o! the ti9e5 *'9 ha'ing fun&

-eal Worl 7ook %eal %e!cription!

0Septe$1er =' 23395

No85 *''e re#ently #o9e ba#k !ro9 the Noreas#on s#ien#e !i#tion #on'ention5 an( i! you''e e'er rea( one o! 9y #on'ention re#aps5 you 9ay ha'e #o9e a8ay thinking that 9ost o! 8hat 8riters (o at #on'entions is (rinking an( #arousing an( then possibly (rinking so9e 9ore& An( you'( be right& :o8e'er5 * (on't 8ant you to think that nothing o! 'alue 8as a##o9plishe( there?or in(ee( that nothing o! 'alue #an be a##o9plishe( e'en 8hile (rinking& As proo! o! this5 it gi'es 9e great pri(e to intro(u#e to the 8orl( the Feal Worl( +ook Deal Des#riptions5 as !or9ulate( at Noreas#on 7 at the Sheraton :otel Lobby +ar by a group o! only so9e8hat inebriate( 8riters in#lu(ing S#ott Wester!el(5 %ustine Larbalestier5 Ielly Link5 %a9es Patri#k Ielly5 Lauren 6#Laughlin5 )liani Torres5 Shara Toll an( your hu9ble narrator& A #ouple others 8ere there as 8ell5 but the point is5 this is group 8is(o95 base( on (e#a(es o! #olle#ti'e 8riting e4perien#e& No85 so9e ba#kgroun(& 3ne o! the 9ost 8i(ely-rea( e-9ail lists in publishing is Publisher's Lun#h5 in 8hi#h 'arious book (eals are announ#e( 8ith #ertain euphe9is9s to (es#ribe 8hat sort o! 9oney 8as in'ol'e(& For e4a9ple5 book (eals that get the 8riter up to K,005000 are kno8n as Ha ni#e (eal&H K,00I to K2.0 is Ha goo( (eal5H an( so on up past the K, 9illion point5 at 8hi#h you ha'e Ha 9a=or (eal&H An( 8ell5 yes5 i! you're up at that point5 it #ertainly is a 9a=or (eal5 you bastar(& Thing is5 !or 9ost 8riters Aan( * in#lu(e 9ysel! hereB5 about 20P o! those le'els ne'er get use(" The 'ast 9a=ority o! book publishing (eals are Hni#e&H :o8e'er5 using one a(=e#ti'e to (es#ribe both the K,5000 book (eal so9eone gets !ro9 a teeny uni'ersity press an( the K/05000 book (eal !ro9 a 9a=or Ne8 York publisher is ob'iously ri(i#ulous& A K,I book (eal an( a K/0I book (eal are @uite #learly not e@ui'alent> one is5 oh5 >< times better than the other& *! only !or sheer honesty's sake5 there nee(s to be book (eal rankings that a##urately re!le#t 8hat (eals really get (one an( the !inan#ial @uality o! those (eals !or the 8riter& So5 a!ter another roun( o! beers5 this is 8hat 8e #a9e up 8ith& K0 to K15000" A Shitty Deal& +e#ause that's 8hat it is5 9y !rien(s& Possibly the only

thing 8orse than a shitty (eal is no (eal at all& 8ossibly& K15000 to K.5000" A onte9ptible Deal& The (eal you get 8hen your publisher has 8ell an( truly got your nu9ber5 an( it is lo8& K.5000 to K,05000" A +&eh+ Deal& *t's not great5 you kno8& +ut you #an pay so9e bills& <et a !e8 o! these5 an( a tolerant spouse 8ith a regular in#o9e5 an( you #an tell your (ay =ob to piss o!!& This year5 any8ay& K,05000 to K205000" A Not +a( Deal& Note that Hnot ba(H here shoul( be sai( 8ith a slight appre#iati'e rise o! the eyebro8s an( a s9all appro'ing no(?this is the le'el at 8hi#h the 9oney begins to look not e9barrassing both to 8riters an( non-8riters& A #ouple o! these5 an( you'll (e!initely be punting the (ay =ob A* (i(5 any8ayB& K205000 to K,005000" A HShut Np;H Deal& This nee(s to be sai( in the sa9e en'iously a(9iring 'o#al tone as a teenage girl 9ight use to her girl!rien( 8ho is sho8ing o!! the (eli#ious ne8 pu9ps she got at Fobinsons-6ay !or 10P o!!5 or the 'o#al tone Asa9e i(ea5 lo8er registerB %i9 Ielly use( 8hen one o! our nu9ber a(9itte( to ha'ing at least a #ouple o! (eals in this range& With this kin( o! 9oney5 you (on't e'en need a supporti'e spouse to a'oi( the )n!or#e( Top Fa9en Diet Aalthough5 you kno8& :a'ing one (oesn't hurtB& +ut it's not so 9u#h that the other 8riters a#ti'ely begin to hate you& K,005000 an( abo'e" H*'9 <etting the Ne4t Foun(&H +e#ause i! you're at this le'el5 you #an buy an( sell all the other 8riters at the table& <et 'e9 a !riggin' beer5 !or <o('s sake Aironi#ally5 this is the only le'el not thought up at the bar5 but in the #ol( har( light o! the ne4t 9orning5 by Shara TollB& Think ho8 9u#h 9ore interesting an( use!ul the Publisher's Lun#h 8oul( be i! these rankings 8ere use(" H%oe Wannabe's T:) F*FST N3O)L *S T:) 63ST ANN3Y*N<5 a #o9ing-o!-age story about a not parti#ularly interesting 20-so9ething gra(uate stu(ent 8ho is e'entually (u9pe( by his girl!rien( !or being a 9opey5 e9o-listening sa#k o! #rap5 to Fan(o9 S9all Press5 in a shitty (eal&H HSusan 6i(list's T:) 6AFY SN) F*T* AL 6ASS5 the story o! a 8orl( thro8n into #haos 8hen large nu9bers o! bookish 8o9en spontaneously appear at #riti#al e'ents o! histori#al i9portan#e an( passi'e-aggressi'ely (e9an( to play a role5 to Not *nsigni!i#ant <enre Press5 in a meh (eal&H HNeil Popular's A DAFI NN*O)FS) FNLL 3F AS:5 a tale o! a 9an 8ho 8akes up one 9orning 8ith !a9e an( !ortune but then 9ust tolerate being a##oste( at ran(o9 inter'als by strangers 8ho 8ant to be his best !rien(s an(Cor to ha'e hi9 blurb their o8n 8ork5 to +ig Fespe#te( Publisher& :e'll get the ne4t roun(&H See5 that's much better& EEE For the re#or(5 Nightsha(e +ooks is an e4#ellent s9all press5 an( its publisher %ere9y Lassen is a !ine !ello8& +ut he #an be #on!rontational in his opinions A=ust ask hi9;B5 an( here *'9 #on!rontational ba#k&?%S

Why a Shitty %eal i! a Shitty %eal

0Septe$1er 49' 23395

A s9all press publisher na9e( %ere9y Lassen5 8ho is #learly not getting enough hugs5 took e4#eption to the Feal Worl( +ook Deals (e!inition o! a K15000 book a('an#e as Hshitty5H an( respon(e( 8ith a #o99ent 8hi#h *'ll ele'ate here !or you to a(9ire as 9u#h !or the spirite( use o! pro!anity as the #ontent itsel!& *n it5 Lassen also tries to suggest that authors really (on't 8ant a K20I a('an#e5 or abo'e& Follo8 the logi#5 su#h as it is" K15000 a('an#e R the e4pe#tation o! selling at least ,5200 #opies o! a K27 har(#o'er at ,0P royalty& That's 25700 #opies o! a tra(e paperba#k at K,1&.0& For a s9all publisher 8ith a !irst ti9e author's !i#tion book5 those are pretty respe#table nu9bers& Shitty (eal 9y ass& Parti#ularly i! you still ha'e a pie#e o! paperba#k5 !oreign language5 or +ritish rights& A K205000 a('an#e R Hnot ba(JH Fu#k that& A K205000 a('an#e #oul( 9ean the en( o! your !u#king #areer& *! you (on't sell 75.00 #opies o! your book in har(#o'er5 or ,.5000 o! your book in tra(e paperba#k5 you (i(n't earn out& *! you (on't earn out5 #han#es are your publisher =ust lost 9oney on your ass5 an( your e(itor is getting heat !ro9 abo'e& han#es are that e(itor is telling e'erybo(y in to8n 8hat a ba( in'est9ent you 8ere & & & No8 i! that ha( been a K.5000 a('an#e5 an( you sol( hal! that?15200 #opies5 your book 8oul( ha'e earne( out an( 9a(e a bit o! 9oney5 an( 8oul( ha'e been a goo( in'est9ent5 an( 8oul( probably get you another #ontra#t& *! you a#tually sol( 75.00 #opies a!ter a K.5000 a('an#e5 you 8oul( ha'e been a long shot that pai( o!! big& Your e(itor 8oul( look like a genius5 an( you 9ight get a 2 book (eal5 an( & & &AND Y3N W3NLD :AO) ST*LL )ND)D NP )AFN*N< K20I on the !irst book5 a!ter royalties 8ere pai(& Let's be realisti# people& *! your book sells5 you get pai(& *! your book (oesn't sell5 an( you still got a big !at a('an#e up !ront5 #han#es are you 8on't e'er get a #ontra#t 8ith that publisher again& *! you think you #an sell 9ore #opies than your publisher thinks they #an5 (on't sell it to the95 or sel! publish it5 i! there's so 9u#h (e9an(&

Fu#king unrealisti# e4pe#tations are part o! the proble9 in this in(ustry& Arbitrary lists like this perpetuate this shit& *t's 9ore i9portant to un(erstan( the e#ono9i#s o! your tra(e Aa('an#es5 royalties5 tra(e (is#ounts5 (istributor (is#ounts5 returns5 Pay-!orpla#e9ent in #hains5 et# et#B5 rather then 9e9ori$ing so9e arbitrary range o! Ha('an#esH an( 8hether it 8as a goo( (eal or not& The proble9 is 9ost 8riters (on't kno8 shit about the business they are in5 an( ass!u#ks like Publishers Lun#h (on't see9 to be intereste( in helping the9 learn anything about it& Asi(e !ro9 the #lear #onte9pt Lassen has !or 8riters5 8ho9 he apparently assu9es are too stupi(Cignorant to !ollo8 basi# publishing e#ono9i#s5 Lassen 9isses t8o #riti#al points about the Feal Worl( Publishing Deal list" *t's pri9arily suppose( to be !unny an( satiri#al Aalthough as 8ith 9ost !unny an(Cor satiri#al things5 there's a s9all bit o! truth to itB& For the purposes o! 9y little essay here5 ho8e'er5 let's go ahea( an( treat it seriously& *t's a list !ro9 the perspe#ti'e o! the 8riter5 not the perspe#ti'e o! the publisher?as be!its its #reation by a bun#h o! 8riters hanging aroun( at a bar& An( here's a !a#t5 !or 8riters an( publishers both" When the #ost o! your bar tab !ro9 a night o! #arousing 8ith other 8riters is an integral per#entage o! your book a('an#e5 that's a pretty shitty a('an#e5 no 9atter ho8 you sli#e it& Like8ise5 i! Lassen (oesn't think K15000 is a shitty (eal !or 8riting a book5 he's 8el#o9e to try to li'e o!! it& * (oubt he'll get a goo( *nternet #onne#tion !ro9 an un(erpass& To be #lear5 the HshittyH aspe#t o! tiny a('an#es as (es#ribe( in or little list relates to one thing" the ra8 a9ount o! 9oney in'ol'e(& The s9all press publisher 8ho o!!ers you K15000 or less !or your book 9ay sin#erely be o!!ering the 9ost a9ount o! 9oney he or she #an o!!er> like8ise5 a 8riter 9ay be e9inently please( to take that (inky su9 !or a nu9ber o! reasons& 6oney is not the only thing in'ol'e( in a book (eal& +e that as it 9ay5 here an( now5 K1I is a shitty a9ount o! 9oney& *t's shitty in e4#hange !or the a9ount o! labor in'ol'e( in 8riting a book5 an( it's shitty in the real 8orl( o! paying rent5 buying gro#eries an( keeping the lights on& K1I is a ni#kel a 8or( Aor less5 i! you 8rite 9ore than 005000 8or(sB& *! you li'e in Ne8 York ity or San Fran#is#o an( (on't ha'e rent #ontrol5 K1I is a 8riter's 9onthly HnutH?i&e&5 your #ost o! li'ing Anote to 8riters" <et the hell out o! NY an( SFB& Lassen's e4hortations o! paltry book e#ono9i#s asi(e5 no author wants to 9ake K15000 or less !ro9 their 8ork& *t's H* 8on't bring up 8hat * 8as pai( to the parents 8ho 8ante( 9e to be an a##ountantH 9oney& *t's H*'ll ne'er be able to gi'e up 9y (ay =obH 9oney& *t's H*'9 gla( *''e got a tolerant partnerH 9oney& An author 9ay take K1I Aor lessB !or an a('an#e5 an( 9ay e'en be happy 8ith the (eal?but (ollars to (onuts they're not a#tually happy 8ith the ra8 9oney& An( 8hy shoul( they beJ To repeat" it's a shitty a9ount o! 9oney& ALet's not also !all !or Lassen's inti9ation that authors 8ill 9ake 9ore 9oney on the ba#ken( through royalties> 9ost books (on't earn out5 e'en the ones 8ith the s9all a('an#es& An( unless the book in @uestion is a 8il( su##ess5 the royalty 9oney 8ill be hella slo8 in #o9ing?it #an be years be!ore authors see a royalty state9ent& 3ne o! the best pie#es o! a('i#e * #an gi'e to an author is to think o! your a('an#e as all the

money you will ever get for your boo"& *t keeps you !ro9 the #re(it #ar( 9entality o! H*'ll (o 'U' 8hen 'Y' 9oney #o9es in&H An( it 9akes the royalty 9oney you (o get e'en 9ore pleasant&B Lassen's !ranti# han(8a'ing about ho8 a K20I a('an#e #oul( torpe(o your #areer5 in#i(entally5 is a loa( o! #rap& :e's (oing 8hat he a##uses us 8riters o! (oing5 8hi#h is plu#king a 9ore or less arbitrary nu9ber out o! the air an( (e#laring it goo( or ba(& As it happens5 * got a K205000 a('an#e !or 9y 'ery !irst book A The #ough /uide to &oney 4nlineB& *''e gotten #ontra#ts !or si4 books sin#e then?so9e 8hose a('an#es are 9ore5 so9e that are less& *n 9y #ase5 K205000 8as a per!e#tly reasonable a9ount !or an a('an#e& For so9e people K20I 8ill be too 9u#h> !or others5 not near enough& An( in !a#t5 the story o! &oney 4nline is a !ine e4a9ple o! ho8 both publishers an( authors 'ie8 a('an#es& At the ti9e * 8as #ontra#te( to 8rite &oney 4nline5 Fough <ui(e's *nternet gui(e ha( sol( hugely?9ore than a 9illion #opies?an( !ro9 8hat * 8as tol(5 the #o9pany 8as e4pe#ting pretty large sales o! &oney 4nline as 8ell& +e#ause o! that5 the K20I a('an#e the #o9pany e4ten(e( 8as 'ie8e( as a sa!e?nay5 #heap;?bet& +ut as it happene(5 the book #a9e out in No'e9ber o! 20005 i&e&5 =ust in ti9e !or the popping o! the *nternet bubble& The book's sales 8ere in the thousan(s5 not the hun(re(s o! thousan(s5 an( * (i(n't earn out 9y a('an#e& *t 8as ba( ti9ing& Yet 9y se#on( book sale 8as to Fough <ui(es as 8ell? The #ough /uide to the 3niverse& Why (i( F< go 8ith 9e again5 e'en though 9y !irst book 8as a #lear !inan#ial (isappoint9entJ Well5 !or a nu9ber o! reasons5 * i9agine& First an( not insigni!i#antly5 the nu9ber o! books an author nee(s to sell to earn out an a('an#e an( the nu9ber o! books a publisher nee(s to sell to turn a pro!it Aor at least a'oi( a lossB are not the sa9e nu9ber5 8hi#h is a point o! !a#t Lassen (oesn't bother to point out Abut then5 8hy 8oul( heB& *t's 9y un(erstan(ing that F< (i(n't a#tually lose any 9oney on the book& So that's goo(& Se#on(5 (espite the !irst book's !ailure to thri'e in the 9arketpla#e5 the !olks at F< like( the book's #ontent an( like( 9e as a 8riter> they 8ere not shy about 8orking 8ith 9e again& Thir(5 the 3niverse book !ille( a hole in their o!!erings& So there it 8as& As it happens5 the a('an#e F< o!!ere( !or 3niverse 8as less than !or &oney 4nline& * (i(n't s@ua8k?the step (o8n 8as not huge5 an( in light o! the &oney 4nline sales5 not at all unreasonable& Also5 * really 8ante( to 8rite a book on astrono9y& )'eryone 8as happy 8ith the (eal& 3niverse sol( 8ell an( 8as re'ie8e( 8ell> no8 *'9 8riting another book !or Fough <ui(es5 an( the 9oney in'ol'e( has gone up& Point here5 to borro8 !ro9 Willia9 <ol(9an" obody "nows anything& <reat books #an !ail5 ba( books #an thri'e> your a('an#e 9oney 9ay see9 like a bargain to your publisher to(ay but arterial !lo8 to9orro85 or 'i#e 'ersa> the s9all press publisher 8ho o!!ers you K,5.00 !or your book an( then takes a bath on it 9ay ne'er 8ork 8ith you again> the large publisher 8ho o!!ers up K,.05000 !or another book 9ay #hu#kle @uietly into his bourbon about ho8 he got the book !or silly #heap& The i(ea that a 8riter shoul( be #ontent 8ith a paltry a('an#e5 ho8e'er5 is a loa( o! #rap& The a('an#e a 8riter shoul( be #ontent 8ith is the one that is the happy 9e(iu9 bet8een 8hat the 8riter thinks he or she is 8orth an( 8hat the publisher think it #an sell& Any other a('an#e is so9eone s#re8ing so9eone else& This 9u#h is true" The e#ono9i#s o! publishing !ro9 the point o! 'ie8 o! the 8riter

an( the point o! 'ie8 o! the publisher are relate( but they are not the same& The publisher looks at the e#ono9i#s o! publishing !ro9 the point o! 'ie8 o! nee(ing to #reate an( 9arket pro(u#t> the 8riter looks !ro9 the point o! 'ie8 o! eating& To so9e e4tent the publisher's #osts are !ungible?ho8 9any books to print5 8here to a('ertise5 8hether to !un( a book tour an( so on& The 8riter's #osts5 on the other han(5 are !ungible a#ross a 9u#h s9aller range Aa gallon o! 9ilk #osts about the sa9e 8here'er you goB& The publisher's 'ie8 o! e#ono9i#s is institutional> the 8riter's5 personal& Lassen suggests5 in a rather obno4ious !ashion5 that 8riters nee( a (ose o! reality 8hen it #o9es to publishing e#ono9i#s& The subte4t 9essage in his blo'iation is #lear" the only legitimate point o! 'ie8 !or the e#ono9i#s o! publishing is that o! the publisher& This is o! #ourse entirely 8rong& We 8riters are not ignorant o! the e#ono9i#s o! publishing> 8e are5 i! anything5 only too well a#@uainte( 8ith the9& 3ur point o! 'ie8 9atters an( is in(ee( singularly rele'ant5 sin#e 8ithout 8riters5 publishing has a real supply proble9& This is 8hy a gaggle o! 8riters5 only slightly in their #ups5 unani9ously (e#lare( #ertain (eals HShitty5H H onte9ptible&H H6eh5H an( so on& Fro9 our point o! 'ie85 that's a !air re!erent !or the 9oney in'ol'e( an( 8hat it #an (o !or us& * #an buy shit !or K,50005 so a K,5000 (eal is pretty shitty& * #an pay 9y 9ortgage !or a year on K205000& That's not ba(& An( the (ay * get a (eal 8orth K,005000 or 9ore5 *'9 (e!initely buying the ne4t roun(& Feally5 * (on't kno8 ho8 9u#h #learer this #an be& *t's probably that Lassen (oesn't like the a9ount o! 9oney he #an Aor is 8illing toB o!!er as an a('an#e re!erre( to as Hshitty&H Well5 * #an sy9pathi$e5 but only up to a point& *! the e#ono9i#s o! publishing are su#h that shitty or #onte9ptible pay is 8hat 8riters #an hope to e4pe#t5 then there's no point preten(ing other8ise& At the 'ery least5 e'eryone 8ho wants to be a 8riter 8ill kno8 8hat they're getting the9sel'es into&

No"eli!t &oney

0%ece$1er 29' 23395

%ustine Larbalestier5 8hose per!e#tly !abulous YA no'el is #o9ing out in a !e8 9onths5 aske( so9e author !rien(s o! hers 8hat sort o! a('an#e they got !or their !irst no'els5 be#ause she's #urious an( be#ause enough people <oogle( her site to !in( out that she !elt she 9ight as 8ell ha'e the in!or9ation poste( up there& The results o! her in!or9al polling5 a((e( to a rather 9ore e4tensi'e list o! 8hat ro9an#e publishers pro'i(e !or a('an#es5 gi'es one the general in(i#ation that 'ery !e8 people 8ho are not alrea(y !a9ous Aor relate( to so9eone !a9ousB get a 8hole lot o! a('an#e 9oney !or their !irst 8orks5 parti#ularly in genre 9arkets& +ut then5 i! you hang out here5 you shoul( ha'e kno8n about that alrea(y& :o8e'er5 !or 9e5 this 8as the paragraph * !oun( 9ost interesting" 3! the ,2 people * aske(5 only se'en are !ull-ti9e 8riters Ano5 Sa9uel F& Delany is not one o! the95 he earns his (osh as a uni'ersity pro!essorB an( o! those only t8o o! the9 are (oing !ine ANe8 York Ti9es' bestseller5 Shut-up; or *'9getting-the-ne4t-roun( a('an#es !ine?(e!initely no longer 8orrying about 8here the ne4t #he@ue is #o9ing !ro9B& The rest are in their 8or(s Hs#raping byH or Hbarely #o9!ortableH an( (epen( o'erly 9u#h on their #re(it #ar(s5 e4#ept !or S#al$i 8ho is s9art enough to also 9ake 9oney 8riting non-!i#tion& Yup& Non-!i#tion an( also #orporate an( ne8spaperC 9aga$ine 8ork> i! * ha( to rely only on the 9oney * get !or books un(er 9y o8n na9e5 *'( be (oing a lot less !ine5 both in ter9s o! ra8 in#o9e an( in ter9s o! sprea(ing out the in#o9e * (i( get throughout the year& +ills #o9e on a regular #y#le5 e'en i! book 9oney (oesn't& Although book8riting in#o9e has be#o9e a greater per#entage o! 9y 8riting in#o9e5 at the en( o! the (ay it's still the 9inority& An( the in#o9e !ro9 fiction 8riting?8hi#h at this point is purely a('an#e 9oney?is a s9all enough a9ount that5 to be @uite blunt about it5 * pretty 9u#h !orgot * 8as o8e( an a('an#e on The *ndroid!s Dream until 9y 8i!e Irissy A8ho 9anages the 9oney aroun( here5 an( thank <o(B re9in(e( 9e an( tol( 9e to pester Tor about it& As a !un#tional part o! 9y in#o9e Ai&e&5 the part that pays bills5 9ortgages an( other su#h

thingsB5 9y !i#tion a('an#es are not a #onsi(eration5 an( at the le'el that *'9 pai( !or !i#tion at the 9o9ent5 i! it did be#o9e part o! 9y !un#tional in#o9e5 * i9agine *'( be pretty #on#erne(& *'( nee( to both lo8er 9y e4penses an( raise 9y in#o9e& Woul( * like to get larger a('an#es 8riting !i#tionJ Well5 sure5 an( * a9> *'9 getting 9ore !or The /host Brigades5 !or e4a9ple A!or *ndroid!s Dream * 9a(e the sa9e a9ount as !or 36WB& +ut unless * be#o9e a 9a=or-selling author5 an( reliably so5 it 8oul( be unrealisti# to assu9e * 8ill get eye-popping a('an#es5 an( in any e'ent it 8ill take a !e8 years to see 8here * stan( in ter9s o! 9o'ing books o!! the shel'es& *n other 8or(s5 e'en i! * (o get to #ontinue to publish !i#tion Aan( * hope * (oB5 realisti#ally * e4pe#t !i#tion a('an#es to be one o! the s9aller seg9ents o! 9y in#o9e pie !or so9e ti9e to #o9e& An( i! it stays a s9all portion o! 9y in#o9e5 8ell5 *'9 !ine 8ith that& 3ne (oesn't get to the in#o9e le'el *'9 at 8ithout being 9oney #ons#ious Aan( reasonably not-stupi( about 9oneyB but neither a9 * 8holly 9oney-9oti'ate(5 parti#ularly 8hen it #o9es to 8riting !i#tion> the !a#t * put 4ld &an!s %ar on 9y Web site to begin 8ith5 rather than shop it to publishers5 bolsters this point& * 8ant to 9ake 9oney 8ith 9y !i#tion5 yes& +ut 8hat * really 8ant to (o 8ith 9y !i#tion is 8rite so9e really goo( stories& *! * 9ake a lot o! 9oney5 s8ell& *! no one buys the9 an( * post the9 here an( get not a single re( #ent5 that's !ine5 too& *t's ni#e to be in a !inan#ial position 8here * #an (o either an( not ha'e to #ount 9y #hange 8alking a8ay& ANote to publishers" Please (o not assu9e this 9eans *'ll be happy being lo8-balle(& 6y agent is likely to #orre#t su#h 9isapprehensions&B

The &oney In"ol"e

0Fe1ruary 8' 233<5

So9eone aske( in one o! the #o99ent threa(s" *! the !irst printing o! 4ld &an!s %ar sells out5 8ill * ha'e earne( out 9y a('an#eJ So * #run#he( the nu9bers an( the ans8er is" Yeah5 it looks like it?the !irst print run 8as about 15200 #opies5 an( 9y 9ath sho8s 9y break-e'en point at 25700 or 15700 #opies5 (epen(ing on 8hat royalty rate you use A* #oul( pin (o8n the royalty rate by looking at the #ontra#t5 but then *'( ha'e to (ig it out5 an( that 8oul( take too 9u#h e!!ortB )'en a 8orst #ase s#enario A8hi#h has 9e signing a #ontra#t that o!!ers a 0P royalty5 be#ause * 8as high on #ough syrup or so9e su#hB 8oul( ha'e 9e earning out a!ter about 75.00 #opies sol(5 an( it see9s reasonably likely at this point 36W 8ill hit that target 8hile still in har(ba#k& This is a goo( thing5 ob'iously& 3ne5 it 9eans paperba#k royalties go into 9y po#ket5 an( that's likely 8here the 9a=ority o! 9oney is to be 9a(e> t8o5 i! *'9 breaking e'en on the har(ba#k that 9eans Tor is al9ost #ertainly 9aking 9oney& An( as a general rule5 you 8ant to 9ake 9oney !or your publishers& *t en#ourages the9 to publish you again5 an( *'9 all !or being publishe( again& No85 the !a#t that * 8ill ha'e earne( out 8ith su#h a relati'ely s9all nu9ber o! books sol( shoul( in(i#ate so9ething to the 9ore obser'ant a9ong you" either * ha'e a truly e4tra'agant royalty rate5 or 9y a('an#e 8as pretty s9all& Well5 * (on't ha'e an e4tra'agant royalty rate5 * in !a#t ha'e a rather pe(estrian one5 so that points to a s9all a('an#e& An( in(ee(5 it's 8ell 8ithin the HmehH range by Hreal 8orl( a('an#esH !or9ulation& :o8e'er5 * shoul( note *'9 =ust !ine 8ith this5 an( *'ll tell you 8hy& 6eet author Sa9 Lipsyte& 6r& Lipsyte is the star o! an arti#le *''e =ust re#ently rea(5 in 8hi#h 8e learn about the :er#ulean struggle he ha( to get his se#on( no'el publishe( here in the Nnite( States Ahe en(e( up ha'ing to get it publishe( in the NI5 to ra'e re'ie8s5 be!ore so9eone 8oul( bite o'er here in the statesB& Why 8as it so (i!!i#ult to sell his se#on( no'elJ Well5 it #oul( be be#ause5 by all in(i#ations5 6r& Lipsyte is a 8riter 8hose prose one either lo'es or hates5 8hi#h is a strike against hi9 at least .0P o! the ti9e5 an( also his @uirky style 9akes hi9 (i!!i#ult to @uanti!y5 8hi#h 8ill (ri'e the 9arketing people right up a 8all& +ut 9ore likely it 8as be#ause the publisher o! his !irst

no'el ga'e Lipsyte a K005000 a('an#e !or his !irst no'el5 an( the !irst no'el sti!!e(& +ig ti9e& Perspe#ti'e" To earn out a K005000 a('an#e5 Lipsyte 8oul( ha'e ha( to sell 2.5,07 #opies o! his book at ,0P royalty5 or 1,57,1 #opies at 2P& Any a9ount un(er that5 he'( ha'e to 9ake up in the paperba#k sales5 8here the pri#e Aan( thus the royaltyB is lo8er& 6ore perspe#ti'e" !or 9ainstrea9 !i#tion5 2.5000 #opies is #onsi(ere( bestseller status Ai! 8hat * rea( in the ew -or" Times is #orre#tB& While it is entirely possible !or a !irst-ti9e no'elist to be#o9e a bestseller5 the a#tual o((s are pretty gri9& *t's e'en less likely i! re'ie8ers keep #o9paring you to so9e8hat ina##essible 8riters ATho9as Pyn#hon5 !or e4a9pleB an( 8arn rea(ers that Hthe #hara#ters here (on't so 9u#h #on'erse as e4#hange obtuse epigra99ati# non se@uiturs an( in(ulge in linguisti# @uips&H +asi#ally5 Lipsyte probably got hose( be#ause his publishers spent too 9u#h 9oney !or a book that 8as (eeply unlikely to earn out its a('an#e& An( it (i(n't?it sol( .5000 #opies& An( so his ne4t book5 ,ome )and5 sol( in the NS?8hen it sol(?!or a @uarter o! 8hat he got !or the !irst one" K,.5000& As it happens5 the book #a9e out the 'ery sa9e (ay as 9ine (i(5 an( by all in(i#ations is selling in nu9bers not (issi9ilar to 9y o8n> the arti#le notes it's sol( 25000 #opies to (ate5 8hi#h is in the sa9e ball park as 9ine& :ere's the thing" *! * sell .5000 #opies5 *'9 a su##ess5 at least as !ar as the rubri# o! earning out your a('an#e is #on#erne(& Lipsyte5 on the other han(5 is still un(er8ater at .5000 #opies> he's un(er8ater until he gets to ,,5.00 #opies Apresu9ing ,0P royaltyB& *! he (oesn't get there5 he's a t8o-ti9e #o99er#ial loser5 8hi#h 8oul( likely 9ake it that 9u#h har(er to get to book nu9ber three& +ear in 9in( this has nothing to (o 8ith Lipsyte's talent as a 8riter& :e 9ay in(ee( be 8on(er!ul to rea(5 an( it's @uite likely he should be rea( by a 8i(er au(ien#e& What *'9 saying is that i! he an( *?both 8riters in our 9i(-thirties5 both in relati'ely the sa9e pla#e in our 8riting #areers?both 8ere to sell5 say5 ,05000 #opies o! our latest book5 *'( be seen as a happy su##ess by 9y publisher5 an( he'( be seen A8hate'er his talentB as a 9il( (isappoint9ent5 an( the only real (i!!eren#e bet8een us?#o99er#ially speaking5 any8ay?is a !e8 thousan( (ollars in a('an#e 9oney& Whi#h (oes bring up the @uestion?8hy did this guy get a K005000 a('an#e !or his !irst no'el5 an( * only a rather s9all !ra#tion o! that su9J *s he 9any 9ultiples better than * as a 8riterJ Alternately5 is his !i#tion a 9ultiple 9ore salable than 9ineJ As to8ar( the latter5 e'i(ently not5 an( !or the !or9er5 it's #ertainly possible5 but probably irrele'ant& * suspe#t a 9ore likely ans8er is si9ply that Lipsyte 8rites literary !i#tion 8hereas * 8rite genre !i#tion5 an( ane#(otally speaking it appears that publishers are 8illing to pay 9ore !or literary !i#tion than !or genre !i#tion& 3ne (oes o! #ourse 8on(er5 i! this is true5 8hy that 9ight be?* 8oul( lo'e to ha'e so9eone slap (o8n the sales !igures !or genre 8riters an( !or lit !i# 8riters an( sho8 9e 8hether the a'erage an( 9e(ian sales !or ea#h =usti!y either the high a('an#es !or literary !i#tion5 or the lo8 a('an#es !or genre !i#tion& * rather strongly suspe#t that 8hat 8e'( !in( is that literary !i#tion is o'er'alue( as to its #o99er#ial prospe#ts relati'e to genre !i#tion5 !or no better reason than snobbery to8ar( little green 9en A* #an possibly a##ept an argu9ent that literary !i#tion is5 on a'erage5 9ore literary than genre !i#tion5 but being HliteraryH is =ust one portion o! being Hrea(able5H an( as 8e all kno8 there's a

lot o! literary !i#tion that's 8ell nigh unrea(able& Also5 * suspe#t that hina 6ie'ille an( Neil <ai9an5 to na9e =ust t8o5 are as resolutely Hlit'ryH as anyone5 and yet still rea(able5 so there's nothing to suggest genre 8ork #an't be e9inently literary as 8ellB& *n any e'ent5 *'9 not entirely sure * 8ant to take a position that non-genre authors ought to be (ragge( (o8n to genre authors' rather 9eager pay s#ales> *'9 pretty sure that 8on't 9ake 9e a lot o! !rien(s& An( <o( kno8s *'9 not #riti#i$ing Lipsyte !or taking the K00k 8hen it 8as o!!ere( to hi95 be#ause5 you kno85 *'( not be likely to turn it (o8n5 either& * (o think5 ho8e'er5 that publishers aren't (oing !irst-ti9e non-genre authors any !a'ors by o!!ering the9 a('an#es they're not likely to re#oup an( then bran(ing the poor bastar(s as un#o99er#ial 8hen they (on't& That really is bla9ing the 'i#ti9& )ither literary !i#tion e(itors are absolutely #lueless about 9oney5 or they si9ply (on't #are an( are happy to spen( stupi(ly& )ither 8ay5 * 8oul( probably !ire these e(itors an( repla#e the9 8ith e(itors traine( in genre !i#tion> * suspe#t that a!ter the sho#k ha( 8orn o!! in the lit !i# #o99unity5 the #orporate parents o! book publishers 8oul( !in( a 9o(est upti#k in their botto9 lines& 6y a('an#e !or 4ld &an!s %ar 8as s9all5 but as it turns out it's pretty 9u#h 8hat it shoul( ha'e been !or 9e5 both !or the short-ter9 happy a##o9plish9ent o! earning out 9y a('an#e an( !or the longer-ter9 goal o! beginning to establish 9ysel! as a #o99er#ially 'iable author& Do * 8ant to get a bigger a('an#e ne4t ti9e outJ You bet? an(5 as it happens5 !or The /host Brigades5 * got one& That's the 8ay it's suppose( to 8ork5 an( so !ar it's 8orking !or 9e&

Creati"e Co$$on! an FanFic

0April 44' 233<5

Wel#o9e e'eryone to the Whate'er's annual Fea(er Fe@uest Week5 in 8hi#h rea(ers suggest a topi#5 an( then * blather on about it& To start things o!!5 let's #o9bine t8o re@uests that go 8ell together& hris asks" *ntelle#tual property?Where (o you !eel an e@uitable #o9pro9ise lies in the !airuseCright-o!-artiststo-pro!it-!ro9-their-8ork (ebateJ Any thoughts on the reati'e o99ons li#ense5 spe#i!i#ally as pertains to your !uture 8orkJ A ory Do#toro8 release( a #ouple o! his no'els online an( in (ea(-tree !or9 si9ultaneously5 8hile 3rson S#ott ar( (i( okay !or hi9sel! 8ith the Sha(o8 series by releasing the !irst !e8 #hapters o! ea#h a !e8 9onths ahea( o! the street (ate& Any plans to (o so9ething si9ilarJB An( to this *'ll a(( a relate( @uestion !ro9 Night Dog" *'( like to kno8 8hat you think o! !an!i#tion& Do you think it's a legiti9ate e4er#ise o! i9agination5 or a tra9pling on #opyrightJ To 9y 9in( Aan(5 as it happens5 as 9ore or less state( in the onstitution o! the Nnite( StatesB #opyright e4ists !or t8o purposes" !irst5 to 9ake sure the #reator bene!its !ro9 ha'ing a thought or t8o> se#on(5 to 9ake sure that Ae'entuallyB the publi# sphere is enri#he( by the 8ork o! that #reator& Proble9s arise5 o! #ourse5 at the e4tre9es? 8hen people (o8nloa( all the 9usi# in Western #i'ili$ation o!! o! IaTaa5 !or e4a9ple5 an( get in(ignant at the i(ea they're (oing so9ething wrong5 or 8hen Disney pays o!! the NS ongress yet again to 9ake sure 6i#key 6ouse ne'er gets his )9an#ipation Pro#la9ation5 an( as a result #opyright ter9s are e4ten(e( !ar beyon( their original intent an( A9ore i9portantlyB to the (etri9ent o! the #o99ons& *n 9y per!e#t #opyright 8orl(5 *'( ha'e a si9ple s#he9e !or #opyrights" For #opyrights hel( by in(i'i(uals5 #opyrights 8oul( last !or .0 years or the li!e o! the in(i'i(ual plus 2. years Ato bene!it 8i(o8e( spouses an( heirsB5 8hi#he'er is longer& For 8ork o8ne( by #orporations5 7. years an( out& +ut * 8oul( also a(( a pro'ision that a!ter the initial #opyright5 the #opyright hol(er #oul( rene8 the #opyright annually !or the su9 o! 2 to the 4 po8er5 8here H4H is e@ual to the #urrent year past the original #opyright e4piration5 8ith the 9onies raise( going Ainitially5 at leastB to NS (e!i#it re(u#tion&

So5 !or e4a9ple5 i! the #opyright on HStea9boat WillieH 8ere to e4pire to(ay5 Disney #oul( pay K2 !or a one year e4tension o! the #opyright& *n 20,.5 it 8oul( ha'e to pay K,5027& *n 202.5 K,50725.70& An( in 201.5 K,5071577,5227& +y 8hi#h ti9e5 o! #ourse5 Disney 8oul( ha'e !inally let HStea9boat WillieH stea9 on to publi# (o9ain& No85 gi'en the sheer nu9ber o! #opyrights that Disney alone 8oul( ha'e to prote#t on an annual basis5 you #an see ho8 aB the #orporation 8oul( ha'e to pi#k an( #hoose 8hi#h things to 9aintain un(er #opyright longer than their original ter95 thereby !reeing other 9aterial sooner5 an( bB ho8 @ui#kly a s#he9e like this 8oul( pay (o8n the (e!i#it?8ithout raising ta4es;?thus bene!iting the publi# sphere e'en 8ithout the publi# (o9ain use o! the intelle#tual property& Naturally5 * e4pe#t you to #onta#t your ongressperson right this 'ery se#on( an( (e9an( that heCshe o!!er up the S#al$i opyright )nhan#e9ent A#t o! 200. as soon as hu9anly possible& You kno85 !or the ki(s& No85 ha'ing thus a((resse( the philosophi#al issue o! 8hat the lengths o! #opyrights shoul( be an( ho8 to !in( the balan#e bet8een the rights o! the #opyright hol(er an( the publi#5 let's a((ress the issue o! o8nership un(er #opyright& Naturally5 being a #opyright o8ner 9ysel!5 * 8ish to ha'e an( retain the !ull prote#tions o! that #opyright" *! so9eone's taking 9y stu!! 8ithout 9y per9ission an( 9aking a bu#k !ro9 it5 * 8ant to be able to nail his ass> like8ise5 i! so9eone is (istributing 9y 8ork !or !ree in a 9anner in 8hi#h * (o not appro'e5 * 8ant to be able to legally stop her !ro9 (oing so as 8ell5 espe#ially i! it is ha'ing a negati'e i9pa#t on 9y !inan#ial botto9 line& *t is my 8ork5 (a9n it& * shoul( ha'e the right to #ontrol it5 an( legally * (o& At the sa9e ti9e5 * (on't think there's any 'alue in being an intelle#tual property (i#khea(5 either& What non-#reati'e bean-#ounters (on't get that 9any #reati'e people (o is that 9any o! the things that 8ill lose you 9oney in the short ter95 intelle#tual property-8ise5 8ill gain you 9oney in the long ter95 be#ause it #reates a fan0so9eone 8ho is a#ti'ely looking !or your ne4t #reati'e 8ork5 an( 9any o! 8ho95 be#ause they !eel that personal #onne#tion 8ith you5 8ill happily pay !or that ne4t 8ork& ertainly *''e bene!ite( !ro9 it5 pri9arily !ro9 the Whate'er5 9y o8n person 8riting site& *''e been gi'ing a8ay 8ork there !or si4 years5 in#lu(ing a !ull-length no'el5 an( partially as a result o! that5 9y !irst publishe( no'el is no8 in its !ourth printing& he#k out the #o99ents in the *gent to the Stars guestbook an( so9e o! the 9ost #o99on things you'll see there are 'ariations o! Hthanks !or letting 9e #he#k this out !or !ree?*'ll be looking !or your publishe( stu!! no8&H ALet's also not !orget that both *gent an( 4ld &an!s %ar !oun( their 8ay to a#tual publi#ation be#ause they 8ere a'ailable to be rea( online?no i! an(s or buts about it&B *'9 a big belie'er in keeping a#ti'e #ontrol o! the 8ork * pro(u#e5 but part o! that #ontrol is the !ree(o9 to share that 8ork 8ith 8ho9e'er * #hoose& *t's pai( o!! !or 9e5 an( it's pai( o!! !or others5 too& All o! ory Do#toro8's publishe( no'els are a'ailable online !or !ree an( he'( #ertainly 9aintain it's been a boon to the sales o! his books& 3rson S#ott ar( (i( in(ee( post not =ust #hapters but !ull no'els online at one point A* kno8 be#ause * (o8nloa(e( Children of the &ind o!! his A3L !oru9B until apparently persua(e( other8ise by his publisher A8ho is5 interestingly5 the sa9e publisher 8ho let ory post his 8orks online?but 3S 's e4perien#e 8as se'eral years ba#k in the ti9estrea95 an( ti9es ha'e e9phati#ally #hange(B& +aen +ooks !a9ously has its Free Library 8ith (o$ens o! books5 an( it #lai9s that ha'ing these out there (oes in(ee( (ri'e sales& +eing open 8ith your 8ork wor"s&

A+NT?is there a ben( in the #ur'e a!ter 8hi#h it doesn!t$ Asi(e !ro9 #orporate hysteria5 this is an interesting @uestion& For e4a9ple5 9y ha'ing a !ull no'el online is only a net positi'e be#ause5 asi(e !ro9 y'all5 *'9 a #o9plete unkno8n> e'en in its !ourth printing5 there are still !e8er than ,05000 #opies o! 36W out there& ory is so9e8hat signi!i#antly better kno8n than *5 as his site +oing +oing has rather higher rea(ership5 he's a lu9inary in the intelle#tual property arena an( he's been publishing longer than * ?an( yet he is also a 9i(-listy sort o! 8riter at this point Asales8iseB& Again5 the publi#ity is a net positi'e& +ut 8hat about so9eone like 3rson S#ott ar(5 8ho sells hun(re(s o! thousan(s o! books annually5 an( 8hose 8ork is ne'er not on the s#ien#e !i#tion shel'es at your lo#al bookstoreJ Does the sa9e (yna9i# that ory an( * use to our a('antage 8ork in the sa9e 8ay !or so9eone at his sales le'elJ 3r (oes it si9ply #annibali$e his salesJ +earing in 9in( * ha'e no i(ea o! Tor's point o! 'ie8 on this5 * #oul( see a publisher 8ho easily tolerates online e4peri9ents !ro9 ne8 8riters an( 9i(-listers getting t8it#hy i! one o! their 9ain (ra8s starte( !lirting 8ith gi'ing stu!! a8ay !or !ree online& The sa9e goes !or 9usi#" in(ie 9usi#ians 8ho ha'en't a #han#e getting on the ra(io ha'e nothing to lose an( e'erything to gain by letting people (o8nloa( songs !or !ree& A 9a=or label artist 8ho has to re#oup a 9illion (ollars in stu(io !ees?or the label that a('an#e( those !ees an( o8ns the 9asters?9ay !eel (i!!erently& )'eryone's looking !or the ben( in the #ur'e5 an( naturally the 9ore 9oney you ha'e in the till5 the 9ore signi!i#ant it is to you&B As !or reati'e o99ons5 it's unlikely that *'ll (o any signi!i#ant 8ork an( release it un(er & *t's not that *'9 unsy9patheti# to the ai9s o! > intelle#tually speaking * like the #on#ept o! gi'ing people a series o! blanket per9issions to re8ork your 8ork5 an( i! that's 8hat you 8ant to (o5 go !or it& Nor is it that * (on't 8ant people to !i((le 8ith 8hat * 8rite or #reate> generally speaking5 *'( be !lattere(& What it #o9es (o8n to !or 9e is that * 8ant to kno8 8hat people are (oing 8ith 9y stu!! ahea( o! ti9e& *! so9eone 8ants to (o a Hre9i4H o! *gent to the Stars5 say5 it 8oul( not be onerous !or the9 to sen( 9e an e-9ail !irst an( ask per9ission& * a9 not so unapproa#hable that su#h #o99uni#ation is i9possible& +ut to re'erse an earlier !or9ulation" * o!ten #hoose to be !ree 8ith the 8ork * #reate5 but that #hoi#e is 9ine to 9ake& * pre!er to 9ake su#h #hoi#es a#ti'ely rather than passi'ely& All o! this (o'etails interestingly into the #on#ept o! H!an!i#H?8hi#h !or those o! you 8ho are not SF geeks5 9eans #reati'e 8riting (one borro8ing alrea(y-#reate( #hara#ters an( situations !ro9 popular 9e(ia& Star Tre" is5 to 9i4 progenitor 9etaphors5 the gran((a((y 9otherlo(e o! !an!i#5 but su!!i#e to say 8heresoe'er t8o or 9ore !ans gather to share an obsessi'e lo'e o! TO5 9o'ies5 9usi#5 literature or 'i(eo ga9es5 so there also shall be !an!i#& Fan!i# is o! #ourse a 9assi'e 'iolation o! #opyright5 sin#e all o! a su((en Spo#k an( Iirk are (oing things Oia#o9 ne'er inten(e( the9 to (o Aor Darth Oa(er an( Yo(a5 or +u!!y an( Willo85 or :arry Potter an( :er9ione5 or 6ario an( Luigi or 8hate'erB5 an( naturally this gets the #orporate *P la8yers all het up& :onestly5 though5 i! * 8ere the #reator o! a s#ien#e !i#tion or !antasy 9e(ia property Aas oppose( to a 9ere book authorB an( * (i(n't !in( e'i(en#e o! !an!i# online5 * 8oul( be very 8orrie(& People (on't 8rite !an!i# i! they aren't alrea(y so enthralle( by your

uni'erse that they #an't han(le the !a#t you're not pro(u#ing it any !aster5 an( are thus #o9pelle( to 9ake so9e o! their o8n?the 9etha(one5 i! you 8ill5 to your pure5 s8eet 9e(ia property heroin& A !an!i# 8riter 8ill buy all your 9e(ia-relate( pro(u#t5 8ill go to your #on'entions5 8ill get the DODs an( 8ill generally slog through sub-stan(ar( an( la$y stret#hes o! your 8ork !ar longer than the a'erage 9ortal be#ause they are so (a9n in'este(& An( i! they're 8riting slash A!an!i# 8ith se4;B5 #han#es are e4#ellent that you're su#king in all o! their take ho9e pay that (oesn't go to rent5 !oo( an( #at pro(u#ts& *t is the +u!!y slash 8riters 8ho pai( !or %oss Whe(on's boat Aor 8hate'er other parti#ularly silly (isplay o! 8ealth that he's pur#hase( !or hi9sel!B& So as a #reator5 i! * e'er see the appearan#e o! !an!i# base( on so9ething * 8rote5 *'9 going to be ti#kle( se'en (i!!erent sha(es o! pink5 an( then *'9 going to 9ake a (o8n pay9ent on a 6er#e(es& +e#ause 9an5 now * #an a!!or( it& So5 please5 o!! 8ith the lot o! you& <o 8rite so9e 36W !an!i#; Father 9ore seriously5 as a #reator * probably 8oul(n't go out o! 9y 8ay to s@uash !an!i#5 be#ause it's essentially har9less an( not a real e#ono9i# (anger& *! * be#a9e a8are that so9eone 8as selling their !an!i#5 * 9ight ha'e 9y la8yers slip the9 a note re9in(ing the9 that heCshe (i(n't ha'e the right to (o that5 an( to stop& Nnless it 8as really goo(5 in 8hi#h #ase *'( probably buy it an( 9arket it& :ey5 'i(eo ga9e 9akers hire progra99ers 8ho starte( out 9aking H9o(sH o! their !a'orite ga9es& So 8hy not& As a 8riter5 * also ha'e no opposition to !an!i#& * un(erstan( that 9any 8riters 8ho 8rite !an!i# ha'e no real a9bition to be 8riters asi(e !ro9 the spe#i!i# !an!i# they 8rite? it's a slightly 9ore intelle#tual 'ersion o! playing 8ith (olls5 an( there!ore its o8n en(5 an( it (oesn't really 9atter 8hat the @uality is& For the !an!i# 8riters 8ho (o a#tually 8ant to be 8riters5 * think there are a('antages an( (isa('antages& The a('antages are that you're 8riting in an establishe( uni'erse 8ith establishe( #hara#ters 8hose @ualities an( !ailings are 8ell kno8n to you> all you ha'e to (o is plug the9 into a situation an( play the #hanges& *t's easier than #o9ing up 8ith so9ething 8hole #loth?an( there!ore arguably an easy 8ay to play 8ith the 9e#hani#s o! 8riting sin#e the story #o9es partially built& *t's 8riting 8ith training 8heels& The (isa('antage is the sa9e" You're 8orking in so9eone else's uni'erse5 an( there's only so !ar you #an go 8ith that& )'entually you're going to ha'e to lea'e the sa!e san(bo4 o! the Fe(eration or the Ne8 Fepubli# or +u!!y& Sin#e * (on't 8rite !an !i#tion5 * (on't kno8 ho8 (i!!i#ult that is& There's also the issue that sin#e no one 8ill buy !an!i# e4#ept un(er e4tre9ely rare #ir#u9stan#es A!or ob'ious #opyright reasonsB5 8riters playing in the !an!i# 8orl( (epri'e the9sel'es o! a ne#essary step in any 8riters' e'olution" Working 8ith e(itors& *! people are 8riting !an!i# si9ply !or !un5 * see 'ery little har9 in it5 although this is not the response you'll get !ro9 an *P la8yer& *! people are 8riting !an!i# to be#o9e better 8riters5 they shoul( be 8riting other stu!!5 sin#e it's the other stu!! that 8ill get the9 publishe(& An( ironi#ally enough5 on#e they're publishe( on their o8n5 there's a non-tri'ial #han#e they'll be approa#he( to (o a 9e(ia tie-in no'el; *t's the #ir#le o! !an!i#5 an( it 9o'es us all&

The Stupi ity of Worrying A1out ,iracy

0&ay 4;' 233<5

The S#ien#e Fi#tion an( Fantasy Writers o! A9eri#a5 to 8hi#h * belong5 re#ently e9aile( its 9e9bers a poll about A9a$on's Hlook 8ithin the bookH !eature5 about ho8 they !elt about it an( 8hether they'( 8ant to let A9a$on bro8sers #he#k out their books online?an( ho8 9u#h o! the book they'( 8ant to let people rea(& *t's a per!e#tly legiti9ate @uestion5 an( * think that it shoul( be up to the 8riters an( publishers to 9ake that (e#ision& +ut 8ho9e'er it is that 8rote the poll A* assu9e An(re8 +urt5 as it's hoste( on his siteB is apparently so paranoi( about pira#y that they''e !elt it 8as per!e#tly !ine to a(( e(itorial #o99ent in the poll itsel! 8arning about the (angers o! A9a$on-borne pira#y& For e4a9ple5 one @uestion asking ho8 9u#h o! a 8ork one 8oul( 8ant to ha'e a##essible to A9a$on bro8sers is phrase( this 8ay" HWhat per#ent 8oul( you 8ant blo#ke( o! your 8ork to pre'ent pira#yJH *'9 not a pro!essional pollster5 but * kno8 a push poll @uestion 8hen * see it5 an( * (on't like it any 9ore 8hen it #o9es !ro9 SFWA than 8hen it #o9es !ro9 a politi#al party& 6y response to the poll5 in#i(entally5 8as that * 8ante( all o! the book a'ailable !or A9a$on shoppers to bro8se& * 8ant this !or 9any reasons5 not the least o! 8hi#h is si9ply parity o! shopping e4perien#e to bookstores5 8here one #an go up to the bookshel'es5 #ra#k open a book5 an( rea( as 9u#h o! it as one 8ants to see i! one is intereste( in 9aking a pur#hase& As it happens5 * (on't buy 'ery 9any books online be#ause * can!t open the book an( see the te4t5 an( 8ith ne8 8riters espe#ially5 *'9 not going to buy 8ithout #he#king out the book !irst& No85 !lip this o'er" I!m a ne8 8riter an( * kno8 !or a !a#t that a rather substantial per#entage o! 9y sales ha'e been online sales5 thanks to the !a#t that so 9any pur#hases o! 4ld &an!s %ar ha'e been (ri'en by bloggers5 an( be#ause !or 'arious reasons the book has been (a9ne( har( to !in( in a#tual bookstores Athere's ne'er been a single #opy in my lo#al bookstore5 !or e4a9pleB& Why 8oul( * shoot 9y sales in the !oot by not letting rea(ers bro8se 9y book5 =ust as 9u#h as they'( like to bro8se5 =ust like they 8oul( be able to (o in a bri#k an( 9ortar storeJ

The @ui#k an( ob'ious ans8er to this?i! one is paranoi( about pira#y?is that in a bri#k an( 9ortar store5 so9eone #an't take a s#reen #apture o! your book5 run it through so!t8are an( 9ake a rea(able te4t !ile o! your book that they then post on IaTaa5 arrrrrr5 !or all their s#ur'y !rien(s to rea( !or !ree& An( the ans8er to this is" Well5 =ee$5 people& As i! that 'ery sa9e 8oul(-be pirate #oul(n't #he#k out 9y book !ro9 the library an( (o the sa9e (a9n thing 8ith a s#anner& *'9 not terribly #on'in#e( that (oing a s#reen #apture o! every single page o! 9y book on A9a$on is any less 8ork than s#anning in e'ery single page o! a print #opy& +anning people !ro9 rea(ing 9y book on A9a$on is unlikely to (eter so9eone 8ho is truly 9oti'ate( to pirate 9y book5 an( to s#an e'ery single !riggin' page?ho8e'er one (oes it?you ha'e to be pretty go((a9n 9oti'ate(& You'( also ha'e to pretty 9oti'ate( to rea( 9y entire book through A9a$on's less-than-entirely-user-!rien(ly te4t pre'ie8 tool& 6ost people =ust aren't going to (o that5 an( the ones that are5 *'9 not going to sell to any8ay& *'9 not going to punish the people 8ho are likely to buy 9y book on the o!! #han#e that * 9ight te9porarily in#on'enien#e so9eone 8ho won!t( That's =ust stupi(& So" *'ll let A9a$on sho8 o!! the entire book& * (on't see ho8 it #an hurt 9e5 an( * see lots o! 8ays it #an help 9e& Does this 9ean * run the risk o! being pirate(J Well5 #learly it (oes& +ut let take a ni#e #ol( sho8er an( look at this logi#ally5 shall 8eJ Let's ask" Who are piratesJ They are people 8ho won!t pay !or things Ai&e&5 (i#khea(sB5 or they're people 8ho can!t pay !or things Ai&e&5 #ash-strappe( #ollege stu(ents an( othersB& The (i#khea(s ha'e e'er been 8ith us> they 8oul(n't pay e'en i! they ha( the 9oney& * (on't 8orry about the95 * =ust hope they !all (o8n an aban(one( 8ell5 break their legs an( (ie o! gangrene a!ter se'eral e4#ru#iatingly pain!ul (ays o! 9isery an( (ehy(ration5 an( then * hope the rats #he8 the 9arro8 !ro9 their bones an( shit ba#k (o8n the hollo8s& An( that's that !or the9& As !or the people 8ho can!t pay !or things5 8ell5 look& * gre8 up poor an( 9a(e 9usi# tapes o!! the ra(io> 9y entire 9usi# #olle#tion !ro9 ages ,, to ,7 #onsiste( o! tapes that ha( songs 9issing their !irst ten se#on(s an( 8hose !inal ten se#on(s ha( D% #hatter on the9> !ro9 ,7 to ,25 * tape( o!! 9y !rien(s> !ro9 ,2 to 22 * re'ie8e( 9usi# so * #oul( get it !or !ree& An( then a!ter that5 on#e * ha( 9oney5 * bought 9y 9usi#& +e#ause * #oul(& As !or books5 * bought se#on(han( paperba#ks through 9y teen an( #ollege years& No8 * buy har(ba#ks& Again5 be#ause * #an& No85 being a 8riter5 you #an argue that *'9 9ore sel!-intereste( in paying !or #reati'e 8ork than others5 but * ha'e to honestly say that * (on't kno8 anyone 8ho can pay !or a book or a D or a DOD or 8hate'er 8ho doesn!t5 !ar 9ore o!ten than not& * (on't see the people 8ho #an't pay as pirates& * see the9 as people 8ho will pay5 on#e they #an& Nntil then5 * think o! it as *'9 !loating the9 a loan& Nor is it an entirely sel!less a#t& *'9 #ulti'ating a rea(er?so9eone 8ho thinks o! books as a legiti9ate !or9 o! entertain9ent?an( sin#e * 8ant to be a 8riter until * #roak5 that's a goo( in'est9ent !or 9e& 6ore spe#i!i#ally5 *'9 #ulti'ating a rea(er o! me5 so9eone 8ho 8ill at so9e point in the !uture see a book o! 9ine on the shel!5 go HS#al$i; * lo'e that (u(e;H an( then take the book off the shel! an( take it to the register& Yes5 there's an in'est9ent risk?the #ash-strappe( rea(er 9ight in !a#t turn out to be a !ull-bore (i#khea(5 in 8hi#h #ase 8e alrea(y kno8 8hat * think shoul( happen to

hi9?but it's a #han#e *'9 8illing to take& *t's a #han#e *'9 8illing to take be#ause * belie'e that !un(a9entally5 9ost people aren!t thie'ing (i#khea(s> they're people 8ho i! they like your 8riting 8ill 8ant to support your #areer5 so long as you (on't treat the9 like you're a 9all se#urity guar(5 an( they're Winona Fy(er& Treat rea(ers like they #an't be truste( an( there's no reason !or the9 not to li'e (o8n to your e4pe#tations& 6ake it #lear to the9 that they're integral to your #ontinue( su##ess5 an( they 8ill help you su##ee(& Treat the9 like hu9an beings5 !or <o('s sake& :ere's another reason * (on't 8orry about pira#y& As 9ost o! you 8ho rea( here regularly kno85 * re#ently announ#e( that * an( Tor 8oul( gi'e !ree ele#troni# #opies o! 4ld &an!s %ar to ser'i#e people statione( in A!ghanistan an( *ra@& * took the very 9ini9al pre#aution o! asking that (eploye( sol(iers 9ake their re@uest !ro9 the H&9ilH e9ail a((resses5 but other than that5 * si9ply aske( people 8ho are not Ho'er thereH not to re@uest a book& *t 8orke(" * ha'en't gotten people 9isrepresenting the9sel'es !or a !ree book5 an( * ha'en't !oun( one o! those Ho'er thereH e(itions !loating aroun( ai9lessly on the Web& * treate( people like they 8ere honorable a(ults5 an( so !ar it's 8orke(& Nntil it be#o9es #lear to 9e that it's not 8orking any9ore5 *'ll keep (oing 8hat *'9 (oing& *! SFWA persists in 8asting its ti9e !ighting an o'erblo8n battle 8ith pira#y on A9a$on5 it'll (o it 8ithout 9e& *t's not a battle * see 8orth !ighting&

Selling 7ook! No(

0&ay 4A' 233<5

*'9 !in(ing the a!ter9ath #o99entary to the Stupi(ity o! Worrying About 3nline Pira#y 'ery interesting> apparently this sub=e#t is so9ething people are thinking about5 parti#ularly !or its long-ter9 i9pli#ations5 9u#h o! 8hi#h boils (o8n to" +eing 8illing to not 8orry about online pira#y 9ay 8ork no85 to(ay5 in 200.5 8hen people are still lugging aroun( those laughably obsolete ob=e#ts kno8n as Hbooks&H +ut 8hat happens in a #ouple o! years 8hen the literary e@ui'alent o! the iPo( hits the 9arket5 an( physi#al books be#o9e a thing o! the past5 an( the only #opies o! e'erything are (igital ?an( so9e pirate has your entire #anon o! 8ork uploa(e( in the P2P net8orksJ :o8 8ill you 9ake 9oney thenJ You 8on't be so happy about all that pira#y then5 8ill youJ Where is your <o( no85 6r& *-Don't-Worry-About-Pira#y 9onkey boyJ :uhJ :uhJ :uhJ You kno85 these are all really fascinating @uestions5 an( *'9 sure at the ne4t Worl( on or other s#ien#e !i#tion #on'ention *'9 at *'ll be on a panel (is#ussing these things 8ith other !olks5 an( 8e'll all be 'ery interesting an( thought-pro'oking on the 9atter5 an( 8ho kno8s5 9aybe so9ething 8e say won!t be #o9pletely !ull o! #rap& :o8e'er?an( * 8ant to be 'ery #lear on this5 so allo8 9e to use so9e pro!anity to bring the point ho9e?in a 'ery real an( !un(a9ental sense5 I don!t fuc"ing care( Fight no85 it's 200.5 *''e got one s#ien#e !i#tion book publishe( an( t8o 9ore #o9ing in the ne4t t8el'e 9onths5 an( 9y pri9ary #on#ern is selling those books in the here an( no8& Today * a9 looking !or 8ays to get 9y 8riting in !ront o! people5 per#han#e to #on'in#e these !ine people to pur#hase that 8riting& Pursuant to that5 the !ollo8ing (ata points& 4ld &an!s %ar has been out !or si4 9onths an( (espite 8hat * a9 tol( are 'ery positi'e sales !or a !irst-ti9e unkno8n 8riter5 not once has it been a'ailable at 9y lo#al bookstore5 8hose s#ien#e !i#tionC!antasy se#tion is =a99e( into a #orner o! the store as it is5 8ell outsi(e the 9ain tra!!i# pattern5 an( is #on!ine( to one an( a hal! shel'es5 o! 8hi#h three-@uarters o! one shel! is reser'e( !or Star WarsCStar TrekCTolkien #rap& This one bookstore ser'es its to8n5 an( the to8ns (ire#tly north an( south o! it& So e!!e#ti'ely5 9y book is not physi#ally a'ailable any8here in a 10-9ile ra(ius !ro9 9y

ho9e?e4#ept at 9y lo#al library5 to 8hi#h * (onate( a #opy& Yes5 * li'e in rural A9eri#a5 but not e'erything in that 10-9ile ra(ius is rural& Ane#(otally5 * hear 9y book is har( to !in( in bookstores5 perio(& This is partly a re!le#tion o! its strong sales Ai&e&5 8hen it is in a bookstore5 it (oesn't stay longB an( partly A* suspe#tB a re!le#tion o! Tor's printing strategy !or the book5 8hi#h has been o! 9ultiple s9all printings Athe largest being the !irst printing o! 15200 #opiesB5 that keep Tor !ro9 ha'ing an o'erprint situation !or a ne85 unteste( author& AWhi#h is to say you probably shoul(n't #ount on !in(ing the har(#o'er o! 4ld &an!s %ar on the re9ain(er table& Sorry&B * #an't an( (on't !ault Tor's logi# here?the last thing * 8ant as a ne8 author is 9y publisher ha'ing rather 9ore #opies o! the book than it #an sell?but the regrettable si(e e!!e#t o! this is that people #an't bro8se a book that's not on the bookstore shel'es& The Iroger super9arket nearest 9e5 8hose Aa#tually !airly e4tensi'eB book se#tion !un#tions as the bookstore !or its to8n5 not only (oesn't sto#k 9y book5 it (oesn't sto#k s#ien#e !i#tion at all5 an( asi(e !ro9 ,arry 8otter an( 1ragon Agoo( =ob hristopher Paolini;B5 no !antasy5 either& Not sto#king 9y book is entirely not surprising Are9e9ber" !irst-ti9e unkno8n SF 8riter in har(ba#kB5 but not sto#king any s#ien#e !i#tion or !antasy at all$ What the hellJ For #o9parison5 the store is generously sto#ke( 8ith ro9an#es5 #onte9porary thillers5 an( 8esterns& Yes5 8esterns& You thought that genre 8as (ea(5 (i(n't you& Surprise; The Wal-6art an( 6ei=er near 9e ha'e re9arkably si9ilar sto#king patterns& What (o these (ata points tell 9eJ learly5 that * shoul(n't e4pe#t people to (is#o'er 9y book in the #on'entional 8ays5 be#ause the boo" isn!t there& No85 so9e or all o! these issues 9ay be alle'iate( 8hen the book goes to so!t#o'er> the reason Tor bought the book5 as *''e note( be!ore5 8as that it belie'es that this is the sort o! book that #an #ra#k the Hno SF in super9arketsH barrier5 be#ause?yes5 8e #an a(9it it here a9ong !rien(s?it's a :einlein-es@ue a('enture 8ithout all that s#ary e(gy stu!!5 an( 9aybe you #an sho'e that ne4t to the lan#ys an( the <risha9s an( sell it& *! it 8ere a #ar5 it'( be a he'y5 an( * see a !air a9ount o! he'eys in the Iroger parking lot& So 8e'll see& +ut that's to9orro85 an( this is to(ay& *n ter9s o! pro9otion5 8ell5 * 8oul( lo'e to pro9ote 4ld &an!s %ar in the 3l( S#hool 8ays& *'9 not a snob5 an( *'9 not stupi(?there's an in#re(ible a9ount o! pro9otional po8er in Hol( 9e(ia&H Way ba#k 8hen5 8hen * 9et 9y e(itor at Tor !or the !irst ti9e5 he aske( 9e i! there 8ere any 9e(ia * thought the publi#ity (epart9ent shoul( approa#h !or the book& You kno8 the !irst pla#e * suggeste(J AAFP 6aga$ine& +e#ause the book's about an ol(er A9eri#an5 an( the 9aga$ine has a subs#riber roll o! 2, 9illion& *t (oesn't get 9u#h 9ore ol( s#hool than AAFP 6aga$ine5 an( *'( be a !riggin' 9oron not to put the book in !ront o! that au(ien#e& * still 8ant to5 hint5 hint5 Tor publi#ity (epart9ent& +ut again" ne8 8riter5 8riting s#ien#e !i#tion& * ha'e been absolutely blesse( 8ith re'ie8s in the %ashington 8ost' in the Cleveland 8lain-Dealer an( in 1ntertainment %ee"ly' an( it's a 9inor 9ira#le * got those Anot 8ithstan(ing **#8 &aga9ine' Tor's publi#ity !olks ro#kB& 6ost s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters5 e'en the establishe( ones?an( e'en the good establishe( ones?8oul( be happy 8ith that& Fight no85 this is 8hat * ha'e to 8ork 8ith in ter9s o! the 3l( S#hool presen#e& Ne8 S#hool5 * ha'e options& * ha'e this Web site5 8hi#h pulls (o8n so9e ni#e 'isitor

nu9bers> * ha'e the A3L %ournal5 8hi#h (oes the sa9e& * ha'e ha( goo( press !ro9 pro9inent bloggers5 8hose re#o99en(ations ha'e translate( into real sales 8ith ala#rity5 be#ause their rea(ers trust their re#o99en(ations& Fight no85 there is no (o8nsi(e in letting so9eone go onto A9a$on an( rea(ing as 9u#h o! the book as A9a$on lets the9?they are on A9a$on5 a!ter all5 an( one (oes typi#ally go to the A9a$on site to buy things& The #han#es o! turning a sale there are goo(5 an( inas9u#h as 8e''e alrea(y establishe( looking at a physi#al #opy is (i!!i#ult5 this is the ne4t best thing& There is no (o8nsi(e in o!!ering an entire no'el's 8orth o! 8riting !or !ree on 9y o8n site5 as * (o 8ith *gent to the Stars> 8hy not let people get a !eel !or 9y styleJ *! you like *gent #han#es are pretty goo( you'll like 4ld &an!s %ar> it's a (i!!erent set-up an( story5 but5 8ell5 *'9 me' an( !or better or 8orse5 that's ho8 * 8rite& Will these 9etho(s 8ork in the !utureJ Don't kno8& An(5 9ostly5 (on't #are5 be#ause they're 8orking now5 an( no8 is the ti9e!ra9e * nee( to sell 9y book in& * (on't (oubt that a (o$en years !ro9 no85 getting 9y books out to rea(ers?an( 9aking 9oney !ro9 the9?8ill re@uire (i!!erent things an( take on a (i!!erent !or9 than it (oes no85 sin#e a9ong other things 9ost o! the 8ays *'9 pro9oting 9y books no8 (i(n't e4ist a (o$en years ago& +ut here are a #ouple things * e4pe#t to be true in 20,7" that people 8ill still 8ant to be a9use( by #reati'e types5 an( that the 9ore enterprising 9e9bers o! that #lass 8ill ha'e !oun( ne8 an( e4#iting 8ays o! e4tra#ting 9oney out o! people 8ho 8ish to be entertaine(& So long as *'9 not (ea( or so9eho8 (eeply 9entally (a9age( bet8een no8 an( 20,75 * e4pe#t to be in the latter #a9p& * guess 8e'll !in( out& *n the 9eanti9e5 *'9 happy to (o 8hat 8orks&

Writing in the Age of ,iracy

0&ay 48' 233<5

* #a9e a#ross a #o99ent !ro9 a 8riter re#ently?8hi#h 8riter an( 8here * !oun( it * 8on't tell you5 !or reasons that 8ill be#o9e #lear shortly& *t regar(s the nature o! hu9ans5 an( the business o! selling books5 an( o! pira#y& To paraphrase5 it sai( that the 8riter !elt that the 9ass-9arket print publishing para(ig9 8as (oo9e( be#ause o! the online 8orl(5 that //P o! #usto9ers Ahis esti9ate5 not a paraphraseB are #heapskates 8ho 8oul( pirate books i! they #oul(5 an( that in the !uture 'ery !e8 people 8oul( 9ake any sort o! 9oney online5 so his goal 8as to (o e'erything to keep the ol( s#hool publishing para(ig9 ali'e as long as possible& 6y thoughts on that positionJ 3h5 !or fuc"!s sake& Let's translate that 9etaphori#ally5 shall 8eJ +ook publishing is a sinking ship& The !or9er passengers on the ship ha'e gi'en in to their !eral instin#ts an( are (is9antling the ship boar( by boar(& The re9aining #re8 are being 8e(ge( !urther an( !urther ba#k into 8hat little o! the ship re9ains abo'e the 8aterline& )'entually the 8hole ship 8ill (isappear beneath the 8a'es an( all the #re8 8ill (ro8n& The thought o! possibly =u9ping o!! the ship apparently (oesn't o##ur to the #re8> rather5 their a9bition is si9ply to be the last person to drown& S#re8 'e9& Let the9 (ro8n& +e#ause here's the thing about that Hsinking shipH" )'en i! 8e grant it is sinking A8hi#h 8e shoul( notB5 an( that the passengers are s#ur'y pirates A8hi#h 8e ought notB5 this ship is sinking in about !i'e !eet o! 8ater an( the shore is !i!ty yar(s a8ay& An( i! you ha'en't the 8it to 9ake it to shore5 then by <o(5 you deserve to die( For no85 let's put asi(e the issue o! 8hether publishing 8ill sur'i'e as an in(ustry& * think it 8ill !or a nu9ber o! reasons5 not the least o! 8hi#h is that the people *''e 9et in publishing are !airly a(ept #apitalists 8ho 8oul( pre!er that their ne4t gig (oes not in'ol'e asking people i! they 8ant !ries 8ith that& Nor (o * think 9ost people are thie'ing (i#khea(s5 (espite the nu9ber o! people re#ently trying to #on'in#e 9e other8ise& +ut !or the sake o! argu9ent5 let us posit the nu#lear option" Fa9pant (igital pira#y has

9a(e it i9possible to sell books& The entire publishing industry is out on the street& )(itors are on the #orners 8ith signs that say HW*LL )D*T Y3NF 'W*LL W3FI F3F F33D' S*<N F3F F33D&H Art (ire#tors sit on #rates (ra8ing 8ee little (une buggy #ari#atures o! passersby& Publishers ha'e laun#he( the9sel'es !ro9 the 8in(o8s o! their #orner o!!i#es to publish the9sel'es on the pa'e9ent in splattery li9ite( e(itions o! one& An( 8here are the 8ritersJ *! they ha'e any sense at all5 they're 9aking a !air a9ount o! 9oney& Listen to 9e no8" Writers are not in the publishing in(ustry& The publishing in(ustry e4ists to han(le the output o! 8riters an( (istribute it in an e!!e#ti'e an( hope!ully pro!itable 8ay> ho8e'er it (oes not ne#essarily !ollo8 that a 8riter's only option is the publishing in(ustry5 espe#ially not no8& ongruent to this" +ooks aren't the only option& * 8rite books5 but you kno8 8hatJ *'9 not a book 8riter5 any 9ore than a 9usi#ian is an LP 9usi#ian or an 6P1 9usi#ian& The book is the #ontainer& *t's not destiny( An( this is 8here the s#his9 e4ists a9ong 8riters" Those 8ho get these #on#epts5 an( those 8ho (on't& Those 8ho (on't are (ea( 9eat any8ay> let's thank the9 !or their ser'i#e to letters an( she( a tear as their #orpses rot Aan( not =ust be#ause o! the s9ellB& As !or those o! us still stan(ing5 let 9e intro(u#e you to 8hat #oul( be your ne4t business 9o(el& 6eet Penny Ar#a(e Ahttp"CCpenny-ar#a(e&#o9B& 6any o! you alrea(y kno8 it5 o! #ourse& For those o! you 8ho (on't5 here's the #on#ept" T8o guys 8rite a thri#e-8eekly #o9i# strip about 'i(eo ga9es?a strip 8hi#h5 as it happens5 is usually (a9n !unny Ao!ten e'en i! you (on't like 'i(eo ga9esB& :o8 9u#h 9oney (o these guys 9ake o!! the strip itsel!J Not a (i9e5 as !ar as * #an tell& +ut the #o9i# strip (ra8s hun(re(s o! thousan(s o! 'isitors to the site> the site sells a('ertising !or a !air a9ount e'ery 8eek& They sell 9er#han(ise5 !ro9 t-shirts to li9ite( e(ition art8ork Aa re#ent art8ork sale sol( .00 art H#ellsH at K20 a pop in less than ,2 hours" K705000 gross !or ,2 hours isn't ba(B& They ha'e their o8n #on'ention& They e'en ha'e their o8n #harity5 hil('s Play5 8hi#h in t8o years has raise( hal! a 9illion (ollars in #ash an( goo(s !or #hil(ren's hospitals a#ross the #ountry& An( 9ost i9portantly !or the purposes o! our (is#ussion5 this is their !ull ti9e gig?it supports the t8o o! the95 their 8i'es an( !a9ilies5 an( e'en a business 9anager to han(le the stu!! the9 #reati'e types (on't 8ant to both 8ith& Yeah5 you say5 but that's a comic strip& *'9 talking about writing' here& Well5 listen up5 !un#akes" The point here is not the #o9i# strip& The point here is 8hat it's use( !or" As the basis o! se'eral (i!!erent re'enue strea9s5 all o! 8hi#h !lo8 (ire#tly to the prin#ipals& What happens i! the #artoon strip is pirate(J Not 9u#h?it's (istribute( !or !ree5 any8ay& At the 'ery 8orst5 it be#o9es !ree a('ertising5 bringing people aroun( to the site& People 'isit the site> they en=oy it5 they #o9e ba#k& That allo8s PA to sell a('ertising& So9e be#o9e !ans> this allo8s PA to sell 9er#han(ise& So9e 9ake it part o! their li'es> this allo8s PA to host a #on'ention an( !un( a #harity& What is at the heart o! this business 9o(el is pirate-proof content? You #an't steal !ree #ontent& An( 8hat Penny Ar#a(e sells5 it's (i!!i#ult to steal& an 8riters (o the sa9e thingJ Well5 in a uni'erse 8here pira#y kills the #on'entional publishing 9o(el5 they (a9n 8ell better get used to the i(ea5 ha(n't they& Personally5 * !in( this !or9ulation non-#ontro'ersial be#ause to a 'ery large e4tent it's 8hat * (o no8& * 8on't get into ho8 9u#h o! 9y 8riting in#o9e o'er the last !our years

#o9es (ire#tly an( in(ire#tly as a result o! 8riting on 9y Web site5 e4#ept to say it's si4 !igures an( the le!t9ost nu9ber is not a H,5H an( not nearly all o! it #o9es !ro9 book sales& This is not bragging Aor not only bragging5 shall * sayB> the point to 9a(e here is that an a9bitious 8riter #an use a non-#o99er#ial presen#e to generate a non-tri'ial a9ount o! in#o9e& *n 9y #ase5 the #ontent here5 like the #ontent on Penny Ar#a(e5 is un-pirateable> * (on't #harge anything !or it5 an( * (on't #are i! you sen( it along to 8ho9e'er you like& +ut it brings in thousan(s o! people e'ery (ay5 so9e o! 8ho9 8oul( probably spen( 9oney on S#al$i 9er#han(ise& Like5 say5 a no'el5 ho8e'er it is publishe(& 3r not a no'el5 a#tually?8hy not a no'ellaJ The 9arket !or no'ellas is very s9all right about no85 be#ause 9ost publishers (on't like the9> they (on't !it into the 9ass9arket publishing para(ig9 'ery 8ell at all& +ut i! * (on't ha'e to 8orry about 9y publisher's pro(u#tion albegra5 9aybe * #oul( sell one& 3r not sell it at all?9aybe *'ll post it up on the site 8ith its run subsi(i$e( by an a('ertiser& * ha'e eight to ten thousan( 'isitors on a (aily basis> think there's an a('ertiser out there 8ho 9ight be 8illing to shell out !or ,005000 a( i9pressions o'er the run o! the no'ellaJ Point is5 in a pirate age5 * think * still stan( a goo( #han#e o! #ontinuing to 9ake a 'ery goo( in#o9e !ro9 8riting& Sin#e * don!t think 8e'll get to a pirate age5 this is e'en better ne8s !or 9e5 be#ause * ha'e the a('antage o! generating 8riter in#o9e the ol(!ashione( 8ay as 8ell as in this ne8 8ay& 6ultiple re'enue strea9s are a 8riter's !rien(& No85 get this" *'9 not parti#ularly #le'er5 an( *'9 a8!ully la$y& *! * #an (o this5 pretty 9u#h any 8riter #an& Yes5 it (oes take ti9e an( e!!ort to generate a rea(ership Ase'en years5 in the #ase o! the Whate'erB& Tell 9e ho8 this is (i!!erent !ro9 publishing to(ay& What i! *'9 8rongJ Well5 8hat i! * a9J *t's a4io9ati# that ne8 !or9ulations !or generating 8riting in#o9e 8ill arri'e in our theoreti#al age o! pira#y> 8riters are #reati'e people5 an( they also like to eat& *'9 o!!ering one potential business 9o(el here5 9ostly be#ause *'9 !a9iliar 8ith it an( * kno8 it 8orks !or 9e Aan( !or Penny Ar#a(eB& *! you (on't like it5 9ake one o! your o8n& 3r5 you kno85 (ro8n& 3ne less 8riter !or 9e to 8orry about& No5 these ne8 business 9o(els are not going to 8ork !or e'eryone& <uess 8hat" The publishing 9o(el now (oesn't 8ork !or e'eryone5 either& An( guess 8hat else" The group o! Writers 6aking 6oney in the Pirate Age 8ill not be the sa9e as the group o! Writers 6aking 6oney in the Age o! Publishing& WhyJ +e#ause so9e people can!t (o it5 an( so9e people won!t (o it& Further9ore5 so9e people 8ill 9ake less 9oney in this ne8 age o! pira#y& +ut guess 8hat againJ So9e people 8ill 9ake more' too& Will the per capita in#o9e be as greatJ Doubt!ul5 sin#e this pirate age 9o(el 8ill en#ourage 9ore people 8hose 8riting 8oul( ha'e been laughe( out the (oor in the publishing age to 9ake a go at 9oneti$ing their 8ork& +ut * (on't kno8 ho8 9u#h ti9e you nee( to spen( 8orrying about the per capita in#o9e nu9ber& You ha'e to 8orry about your in#o9e nu9ber& Shoul( you help other 8riters in this not entirely likely Age o! Pira#yJ Absolutely" Iar9a is a goo( thing& :e#k5 you shoul( help other 8riters today( +ut i! all a 8riter #an (o is #o9plain about ho8 9u#h better it 8as ba#k then5 an( looks at his au(ien#e as i! it 8oul( stab hi9 an( eat hi9 the !irst #han#e it got5 8ell5 ho8 9u#h can you (oJ *! so9eone (e9an(s that he is (ro8ning in !i'e !eet o! 8ater5 all you #an (o is tell hi9 to

stan( up an( point hi9 in the (ire#tion o! the shore& You #an't 9ake hi9 (o either&

There i! Al(ay! Another Way

0January 4?' 233?5

* ha'e a little bit o! a 9ania !or noting signi!i#ant anni'ersaries5 an( right about no8 9arks one o! the9" Ten years ago * got 9y =ob o!!er !ro9 A9eri#a 3nline5 an( o!!i#ially le!t print =ournalis9 !or the online 8orl(?an( along the 8ay learne( an i9portant thing about ho8 the 8orl( 8orks& +ear in 9in( that lea'ing The Fresno Bee5 8here * 8orke( be!ore * 8ent to A3L5 8asn't so9ething * ha( planne( on& At the ti9e * 8as 'ery happy 8orking !or the ne8spaper?but then5 8hy 8oul(n't * beJ * 8as the 9o'ie #riti#?the youngest pro !il9 #riti# in the NS?8hi#h 9eant that 9y =ob #onsiste( o! 8at#hing 9o'ies an( then saying #le'er things about the95 an( then also o##asionally going (o8n to LA an( inter'ie8ing people prettier an( ri#her than 9e as they talke( about their latest pro=e#ts& An( to boot5 * ha( a ne8spaper #olu9n 8here * #oul( pretty 9u#h 8rite about anything * 8ante(& Li!e 8as goo(5 an( * re#all 9entioning to a !rien( that * 8as happy enough at 9y =ob that * #oul( see (oing it !or 9any years& An( o! #ourse5 =ust like in the 9o'ies5 as soon as you 9ention that li!e is goo(5 that 9eans so9ething nee(s to #o9e by an( s@aut one out on your li!e& *n 9y #ase5 it 8as one o! those perio(i# ne8spaper re'a9ps5 in 8hi#h people get 9o'e( about an( reassigne( !or no parti#ularly goo( apparent reason other than be#ause so9eti9es e(itors like to re(e#orate5 an( the 8ay they re(e#orate is 8ith sta!!& all it e(itorial !eng shui& * 8as #alle( into 9y e(itor's o!!i#e an( the t8o e(itors o! the (epart9ent tol( 9e that as part o! their reorgani$ation5 9y #olu9n 8as #an#elle(5 they 8ere going to #ut ba#k substantially on the nu9ber o! 9o'ie re'ie8s * 8oul( (o5 an( that * 8oul( be re@uire( to (o 9ore straight-out reporting& *n short5 they 8ere taking a8ay !ro9 9e the =ob that * lo'e( (oing5 an( asking 9e to (o a =ob !or 8hi#h * (i(n't !eel * 8as suite( & Was it 9ali#iousJ Al9ost #ertainly not& The e(itors in @uestion 8ere goo( people5 an( * !eel reasonably sure they !elt that asi(e !ro9 any ra8 talents * 9ight ha'e ha( as a 8riter5 * #oul( use so9e polish in other !or9s o! ne8spaper 8riting& This 8as also one o! those ti9es 8here the paper 8as trying to (o 9ore 8ith the sta!! it ha( on han(5 an( the !a#t o! the 9atter 8as that 8hat * (i( 8as e4pen(able?it's not as i! they #oul(n't !in(

9o'ie re'ie8s on the 8ire?an( they #oul( use 9e as a resour#e !or (oing other things& :a'ing no8 been an e(itor Aan( ha'ing no8 spent 9ore ti9e in the #orporate 8orl(B5 * #an see per!e#tly 8ell the logi# o! their (e#ision5 an( also ho8 the e(itors #oul( ha'e sin#erely belie'e( it 8oul( be to 9y bene!it as a 8riter& +e that as it 9ay5 at the ti9e5 it !elt like a su#ker pun#h to the gut5 an( 8hat #o9poun(e( the issue 8as that5 8hate'er the logi# behin( the 9o'e5 * 8as pretty sure 9y e(itors kne8 Aor thought they kne85 in any e'entB that there 8asn't 9u#h * #oul( (o about it& Ten years ago5 as no85 the nu9ber o! =obs a'ailable at ne8spapers 8as s9aller than the nu9ber o! people #o9peting !or the95 an( the nu9ber o! really cool =obs5 su#h as 9ine5 8as 9u#h s9aller& Nnless * 8as 8illing to @uit outright?8hi#h they rightly suspe#te( * 8asn't?then there really wasn!t 9u#h * #oul( (o about it& )'en i! * 8ent looking !or another ne8spaper =ob5 it #oul( take 9onths or e'en years to get& What 9y e(itors (i(n't kno8?an( to be !air5 8hat 9ost ne8spaper e(itors (i(n't kno8 at the ti9e?8as that the print 8orl( 8as no longer the only 8ay people #oul( 9ake 9oney 8riting& +y early '/05 * ha( alrea(y been online !or a #ouple o! years A9y 'ery !irst Web page5 in !a#t5 8ent up in ,//75 8hen one still ha( to han( e(it ht9l an( learn uni4 #o99an(s to uploa( pagesB5 an( that 8as enough ti9e !or 9e to start getting !reelan#e 8riting =obs online& 3ne o! the =obs 8as 8riting a 8eekly !inan#e an( hu9or #olu9n !or A9eri#a 3nline's Personal Finan#e #hannel A* got it largely be#ause the person in #harge o! that area rea( so9ething * 8rote online an( !oun( it a9usingB& 3'er the se'eral 9onths * ha( 8ritten it5 * ha( gotten to kno8 the A3L !olks pretty 8ell5 an( kne8 they thought * 8as a #le'er enough person& So as * 8as (ri'ing ho9e that night5 * (e#i(e( to (o so9ething #o9pletely insane& First * signe( on to A3L5 an( sent an e-9ail to one o! the A3L Oi#e-Presi(ents Athe one in #harge o! their Web progra99ingB5 an( aske( her i! she thought A3L 9ight be intereste( in buying a straight-out hu9or #olu9n !ro9 9e& The Bee has #ut the #olu9n5 you see A* e4plaine(B5 an( * 8as no8 !ree to pursue other options !or it& Then * sent e9ail an( 8aite( !or the OP to *6 9e to get the 8hole story5 8hi#h she (i( about !i'e 9inutes later Ayes5 ba#k in the (ay5 you #oul( get an *6 !ro9 an A3L OP?in !i'e 9inutes5 no lessB& A !e8 9inutes a!ter this Irissy #a9e ho9e !ro9 her =ob an( 8alke( into our be(roo9 to !in( 9e staring at 9y #o9puter 8ith s#ary5 s#ary intensity& HWhat are you (oingJH she aske( 9e& H*'9 8aiting !or so9ething5H * sai(5 8ithout taking 9y eyes o!! the #o9puter& HWhat are you 8aiting !orJH she aske(5 an( right then5 as i! on #ue5 the OP o! A3L uno!!i#ially o!!ere( 9e a =ob& HThat5H * sai(5 an( then turne( to Irissy& HWhat 8oul( you think about 9o'ing to Washington5 D JH Long story short5 8ithin an hour o! being tol( that the Bee 8as #hanging 9y =ob5 * ha( line( up another =ob& The ne4t (ay * #a9e in to 8ork5 an( 9y i99e(iate e(itor pulle( 9e asi(e an( aske(5 8ith real #on#ern5 i! * 8as okay 8ith 9y ne8 assign9ents& * tol( hi95 honestly enough5 that * ha( (ealt 8ith 9y issues an( 8as rea(y to 9o'e !or8ar(& Three 8eeks later * got 9y !or9al =ob o!!er A8hi#h * a##epte( 'ia *65 to keep 8ith the

8hole then-#uttinge(ge(ness o! it allB5 an( #alle( 9y e(itors into a 9eeting in 8hi#h * tol( the9 * 8as lea'ing& They aske( i! there 8as anything they #oul( (o to keep 9e> * tol( the9 that it see9e( unlikely& They aske( i! they #oul( ask 8hat * 8as going to be 9aking> * tol( the9& They both blinke(> it 8as 9ore than either o! the9 9a(e& *t 8as their !irst real en#ounter 8ith the online 8orl(5 * suspe#t5 an( the !irst reali$ation that 9a=or #hanges 8ere on their 8ay& The 9o'e !ro9 the print 8orl( to the online 8orl(5 an( !ro9 ali!ornia to Oirginia5 8as i99ensely i9portant to 9e in se'eral 8ays" ne8 8ork #hallenges an( !rustrations5 a ne8 #rop o! !rien(s5 9any o! 8ho9 re9ain @uite (ear to 9e5 an( o! #ourse 9y !irst !ull i99ersion into the online 9e(iu95 8here * still spen( 9u#h o! 9y ti9e Ahe#k5 *'9 still e'en 8orking !or A3L5 though part-ti9e rather than !ull-ti9eB& * 9iss 8orking on a ne8spaper !ull-ti9e5 an( * 9iss so9e o! the people 8ith 8ho9 * 8orke( 8ith ba#k in Fresno?re9e9ber * 8asn't originally looking to lea'e the paper& * 8as happy there& +ut i! * ha( to (o it all o'er again5 *'( (o it again the sa9e 8ay& * like 8here * a9 no85 an( that re@uire( lea'ing the HnestH o! 9y !irst real =ob& The 9ost i9portant thing the 9o'e taught 9e 8as si9ply this" There is always another way& What is re@uire( is the 8ill to #on!ront #hange !ro9 8ithout an( roll 8ith it so it be#o9es #hange !ro9 8ithin& 6y =ob #a9e #rashing (o8n on 9e5 an( * ha( a #hoi#e o! a##epting it or !in(ing another 8ay& * !oun( another 8ay an( an( took it& 6y e(itors !or#e( #hange on 9e> * turne( it aroun( an( 8orke( to 9ake it a #hange on 9y ter9s& *n this parti#ular #ase * 8as !ortunate that 8ork * ha( been (oing ha( prepare( the 8ay5 so * #oul( 9o'e @ui#kly?but e'en ha( * starte( !ro9 $ero5 8ith 8ork another 8ay 8oul( ha'e presente( itsel! in ti9e& This 8as an immensely i9portant thing !or 9e to learn& *t's been kno8le(ge that *''e ha( to re9e9ber 9ore than on#e o'er the last ten years5 9ost notably 8hen A3L lai( 9e o!! in ,//25 an( Irissy an( * ha( to (e#i(e ho8 to (eal 8ith it& We a('an#e( rather than retreate( an( !oun( a 8ay to 9ake it 8ork& *t 9a(e all the (i!!eren#e in the 8orl( then5 an( it still (oes to(ay& There is always another way( Fe9e9ber that 8hen your o8n #hallenges an( #hanges sho8 up an( try to kno#k you ba#k on your ass& 6aybe they will kno#k you on your ass5 but it's up to you ho8 long you stay spra8le( out& That's 8hat * learne(5 a (e#a(e ago& *'9 happy to share it 8ith you no8&

C+A,T#- T+-##: The Scha enfreu e Nee le i! 7urie %eep into the -e : .n Writer!
Why5 yes5 this is the #atty #hapter& Why (o you askJ Not e'ery entry here has 9e thu9ping on a 8riter !or (oing so9ething re9arkably stupi(> at least a !e8 o! these entries are =ust 9erely 9e talking about so9ething interesting in'ol'ing a 8riter& :o8e'er5 it's al8ays 9ore !un to talk about 8riters beha'ing badly5 parti#ularly 8hen it's beha'ior that is Aor shoul( beB easily a'oi(able& *t's not all !inger-pointing an( laughing5 9in( you& There but !or the gra#e o! <o( an( #o99on sense go any nu9ber o! 8riters?in#lu(ing yours truly?so it's best not to get too #o#ky& *t's not like #o99on sense is a#tually all that #o99on5 parti#ularly in 8riters& Also5 to a'oi( the label o! pure spite being applie( to these entries5 in 9ost #ases here there's a lesson to be learne(5 so9ething si9ple an( pure an( true5 like H(on't en#ourage people to lie on #o'er letters5 espe#ially i! you're a pro!essor o! )nglish5H or Hpursuing your literary 'en(etta in the pages o! Salon 9akes you look like an asshole&H Think o! these essays like those A!ters#hool Spe#ials they use( to run5 8ith 8ay8ar( 8riters in pla#e o! the !eathere(-haire( teenagers sni!!ing glue or #ontra#ting OD or 8hate'er Oery Spe#ial Proble9 those ki(s 8ere ha'ing to =usti!y bu9ping 4ne )ife to )ive out o! its slot on a We(nes(ay a!ternoon& Yes5 these entries are just li"e that& An( i! you i9agine the9 starring Iristy 6#Ni#hol or S#ott +aio5 so 9u#h the better& First up"

7o1 >reene >et! Canne

0Septe$1er 4?' 23325

hi#ago Tribune #olu9nist +ob <reene resigne( his position o'er the 8eeken( be#ause so9eone blabbe( to the Tribune Ain an anony9ous e-9ail5 no lessB that 3l' +ob ha( a se4ual en#ounter 8ith a teenage girl a (e#a(e ago Ahe 8oul( ha'e been in his 9i(-70s at the ti9eB& :e ha( 9et the girl in #onne#tion 8ith his ne8spaper #olu9n& *nterestingly enough5 it's that last part that see9s to be the s9oking gun5 not that she 8as a teenage girl an( he 8as a 9i((le-age( guy 8ith 8hat looks like a ba( hair#ut5 although all o! that looks ba( enough& Apparently she 8as the age o! #onsent5 e'en i! she 8as a teenager Athere's a #ouple o! years 8here those t8o o'erlapB& +ut ha'ing se4 8ith so9eone you 9eet in #onne#tion 8ith a story is a no-no& That +ob <reene would ha'e se4 8ith a teenager 8hile he 8as hu!!in' an( pu!!in' a8ay at 9i((le age is not 9u#h o! a surprise& First o!!5 he's a guy5 an( i! the a'erage 70V guy gets a #han#e to boink an ,2-year-ol( 8ithout penalty Aor in this #ase5 a penalty (elaye( by se'eral yearsB5 he's going to take it& Nn(oubte(ly he'll ha'e a goo( rationali$ation A8e al8ays (o5 an( <reene5 being a 8riter5 probably has a better one than 9ostB5 but to #ut to the #hase5 he'll (o it be#ause she's hot an( young5 an( be#ause (uring 9i((le age the Oeil o! 6ale Sel!-De#eption5 e'en at 9a4i9u9 po8er5 #an no longer hi(e the !a#t that one (ay the 9an 8ill (ie5 an( that bet8een no8 an( then5 the nu9ber o! truly hot young 8o9en he #an ha'e 8ithout paying !or the9 is s9all an( getting s9aller5 !ast& So that's reason nu9ber one& Feason nu9ber t8o that it's not at all surprising is that +ob <reene is5 by sel!appoint9ent5 +oo9er A9eri#a's Ne8spaper olu9nist& Well5 8as& Any8ay5 as a #hroni#ler o! the +oo9er Nation obser'ing itsel!5 it 8as only a 9atter o! ti9e& +oo9ers ha'e ne'er (one anything that 8asn't e'entually about the9> it's the !unky ne'er-en(ing nar#issis9 thing they''e got going& No5 that (oesn't 9ake the +oo9ers e'il?e'ery generation has its annoying ti#s A9y generation5 !or e4a9ple5 has a ten(en#y to 8hine like ki#ke( puppies being sho8n the boots that 8ill get the9 in the ribsB5 an( this is the +oo9ers'& Also5 rather un8isely5 the +oo9ers 9a(e a !etish o! their youth 8hen they 8ere younger?hey5 they 8ere young5 8hat (i( they kno8?an( they're not han(ling the ine'itable (e#repitu(e 8ell& Nar#issis9 V <etting 3l(er R *rrational +eha'ior5 o!ten

in'ol'ing younger 8o9en in ill-a('ise( trysts& As +oo9er A9eri#a's Ne8spaper olu9nist5 ho8 #oul( <reene not (o thisJ :e's =ust staying true to his (e9ographi#& Feason nu9ber three is that +ob <reene telegraphe( the i(ea he'( (o Aor (i(5 (epen(ing on the ti9elineB so9ething like this a (e#a(e ago in his per!e#tly a8!ul no'el *ll Summer )ong& The story in'ol'es three li!e-long high-s#hool #hu9s5 8ho 8hen #on!ronte( 8ith the stirrings o! 9i((le-age (o 8hat all ne8ly-9i((le-age( 9en (o in 9e(io#re @uasi-autobiographi#al !i#tion 8ritten by ne8ly-9i((le-age( +oo9er 9en" take a long 'a#ation a8ay !ro9 their !a9ilies an( responsibilities to H!in( the9sel'esH on A9eri#a's by8ays& This5 o! #ourse5 o!ten in'ol'es e4tra#urri#ular se4 8ith hot babes& *n the #ase o! +ob <reene's ob'ious stan(-in insi(e the no'el Aa nationally 8ell-kno8n TO =ournalist na9e( H+enHB5 this 9eans ha'ing se4 8ith a gra(uate stu(ent roughly hal! his age& *n real li!e5 <reene (i((le( 8ith a high s#hool stu(ent #loser to a thir( his age5 but5 speaking as a 8riter5 one al8ays tries to 9ake onesel! look better in !i#tion& No85 <reene (i(n't have to !ollo8 through on the 8hole se4-8ith-a-9u#h-younger 8o9an thing =ust be#ause he 8rote about it& 6ystery 8riters 8rite about killing people all the ti9e> 9ost o! the9 (on't a#tually atte9pt to !ollo8 through& +ut se4 8ith a younger 8o9an 8on't kill you A=ust your #areerB an( any8ay let's re'isit points one an( t8o here& *t 8asn't ine'itable5 but 8hen a guy (ra8s hi9sel! a roa(9ap an( han(s hi9sel! the keys to the #ar5 it's not entirely surprising he en(s up in Whoops-*-slept8ithso9eone-9y-(aughter's-age-'ille5 looking !or a 9otel that rents by the hour& +e all that as it 9ay5 * (o ha'e to 8on(er 8hat the proble9 is here& <reene's sleeping 8ith a teenage 8o9an is gross to think about5 but they 8ere both o! legal age5 an( e'en i! she 8as =ust barely so5 H=ust barely so5H #ounts as legal& So !ar as * kno85 <reene applie( no #oer#ion other than his not-espe#ially-(a$$ling #elebrity5 an( as e'eryone kno8s5 i! a great 9any #elebrities (i(n't (o that Aespe#ially the not-espe#ially(a$$ling ones5 an( espe#ially ones5 like <reene5 8ho ha'e a !a#e !or ra(ioB they 8oul(n't get any a#tion at all> they're =ust as lu9py an( !urti'e as the rest o! us& %ournalisti#ally speaking5 ha'ing se4 8ith so9eone in one o! your stories isn't 'ery s9art an( is (e!initely suspension-8orthy Aa ni#e long Hlea'e o! absen#eH 8oul( ha'e been goo(B5 but it's not a #ri9e& Fro9 8hat * #an tell5 <reene e'en 8aite( until a!ter he ha( 8ritten about the 8o9an to hit her up& The Tribune is labeling it a Hbrea#h o! trustH bet8een =ournalist an( sub=e#t5 but i! he (i( in !a#t 8ait until a!ter he ha( 8ritten about her Aan( (i( not 8rite about her post-boinkageB5 8here is the brea#hJ What * see is si9ply 9i((le-age-(eath-(enying se45 8hi#h <o( kno8s is #o99on enough& Nnsee9ly5 sa( an( 9ore than a little #reepy5 but there are 8orse things a =ournalist #an (o& :ell5 it's not plagiarism& There's probably 9ore here than 8hat 8e kno8 no85 that's 9y only guess& *t's 8orth noting that the Trib (i(n't !ire <reene> he apparently o!!ere( to resign an( the resignation 8as a##epte(& *! * 8ere a #orporate suit5 *'(''e taken the resignation too5 sin#e it 8as an easy 8ay to (istan#e 9y #o9pany !ro9 <reene's #o9pro9ising position& Also5 * think <reene shoul( ha'e been #ut as a #olu9nist years ago5 not be#ause he's 9orally tainte(5 but be#ause he's a boring #olu9nist& :e stoppe( being interesting an( starte( being !iller long be!ore he (i( his @uestionable a!ter-s#hool a#ti'ities& Fro9 a purely utilitarian point o! 'ie85 there's no (o8nsi(e to <reene hightailing it out o! to8n5

e4#epting that there 8ill be the pain!ully rationali$e( mea culpa si4 9onths (o8n the roa( as part o! <reene's ine'itable #o9eba#k AA9eri#a lo'es a re!or9e( sinnerB& +ut base( on 8hat 8e kno8 no85 this isn't the 8ay <reene shoul( go out& *! he nee(e( to be yanke(5 he shoul( ha'e been yanke( on the 9erits o! his 8riting Aor la#k thereo!B5 not be#ause o! se4 he ha( a (e#a(e ago 8ith a legal a(ult 8ho apparently ga'e her #onsent a!ter she 8as no longer his =ournalisti# sub=e#t& <reene is getting poppe( on a (ubious te#hni#ality5 an( though * 8oul( ha'e ne'er i9agine( *'( say so9ething like this5 * think he probably (eser'es better& <etting #anne( !or being a boring #olu9nist 8oul( probably ha'e been har(er on the ego5 but at least it 8oul( ha'e been a reasonable e4#use !or getting es#orte( !ro9 the buil(ing& * 8on't 9u#h 9iss <reene's #olu9ns5 but e'en * 8ish he #oul( ha'e ha( a better !inal a#t&

7o1 >reene -e u@

0Septe$1er 4=' 23325

*nteresting !ee(ba#k !ro9 the +ob <reene thing the other (ay& Asi(e !ro9 the =ournalisti# s#ha(en!reu(e o! 8at#hing +ob <reene !all?8hi#h is #onsi(erable5 so that's a 8arning to all o! you 8ho 8ish you ha( his #areer up until last 8eeken(?the largest spate o! e-9ail * got about it #a9e !ro9 70-plus-year-ol( 9en 8ho 8ante( 9e to kno8 that they (on't like ,2-year-ol( girls& Not at all& 6y uni'ersal response to these !ello8s 8as" <oo( !or you& *'9 sure your 8i'es are prou(& As it happens5 *'9 not so keen on ,2-year-ol(s 9ysel!> in the gran( s#he9e o! things5 pro#uring one to(ay 8oul( be 9ore trouble than it's 8orth& This has nothing to (o 8ith their physi#al #har9s Aabout 8hi#h *'ll #o99ent in a 9inuteB an( pretty 9u#h e'erything to (o 8ith the !a#t that at the age o! 115 the only t8o things * ha'e in #o99on 8ith the typi#al ,2-year-ol( girl are that 8e are both hu9an an( speak the sa9e language5 plus or 9inus a #ouple (o$en 8or(s o! slang& To be terribly 9ale about it5 * suppose * could ha'e se4 8ith an ,2-year-ol( i! * had to& * =ust 8oul(n't en=oy the post#oital #on'ersation 'ery 9u#h& So i! it's all the sa9e *'ll pass& Fortunately !or 9e5 there are not great throngs o! ,2-year-ol( hotties at 9y (oor5 li#king the 8in(o8 panes to enti#e 9e to let the9 #o9e up !or a ro9p& You #an i9agine 9y relie!& 3'er at Slate5 6i#key Iaus begs to (i!!er about 9y point #on#erning <reene's en#roa#hing 9ortality being a #onsi(eration !or his boinking a teenage 8o9an> Iaus 8rites" HWhy (o 9en?like S#al$i here5 or Warren +eatty in Sha9poo Aor 8hoe'er 8rote Warren +eatty's lines in Sha9pooB?ha'e to e4plain their (esire to ha'e se4 8ith attra#ti'e 8o9en in ter9s o! a struggle against 9ortality AH9i((le-age-(eath(enyingH in S#al$i's 8or(sBJ You 9ean they 8oul(n't ha'e se4 8ith young 8o9en i! they 8ere in goo( shape an( kne8 they 8ere going to li'e to be 100J They (i(n't 8ant to ha'e se4 8ith young 8o9en 8hen they 8ere young the9sel'esJ *t's se4; 6illions o! years o! e'olution ha'e (esigne( 9en to 8ant it an( en=oy it& & *t's stupi( to try to e4plain this urge in so9e high!alutin' literary or spiritual 8ay?an( re'ealing that e'en relati'ely no+S 9en like S#al$i Aor Ni#k :ornby in :igh Fi(elity5 to na9e anotherB !eel that they ha'e

to&H Let's separate this out& There's the !irst point5 on 8hi#h Iaus is entirely #orre#t5 8hi#h is that boinking hot young 8o9en is really its o8n e4#use& You all kno8 the (rill #on#erning the geneti# an( #ultural reasons !or this5 so let's preten( *''e 9a(e all those points so 8e #an 9o'e on& There is the point to be 9a(e here that Aso9eB 9en are turne( o!! by the ya8ning #has9 in li!e e4perien#e bet8een the9sel'es an( the a'erage ,2-year-ol(5 an( there!ore pre!er the #o9pany o! 8o9en nearer their o8n age& As * 9entione( earlier" <oo( !or the9& 3n the other han(" Pro'i(e a 9an 8ith the brain o! a 7.-year-ol( 8o9an Ayes5 he'll su((enly be#o9e s9arter5 ha ha ha5 thank you 'ery 9u#hB an( tell hi9 he #an put it either into the bo(y o! a !it5 attra#ti'e 7.-year-ol( 8o9an5 or into the bo(y o! a !it5 attra#ti'e ,2-year-ol( 8o9an& Let's all not preten( that the 7.-year-ol( bo(y is going to (o anything but sit there 8ith a blinking neon H'a#an#yH sign !lashing o'er its hea(& *n a per!e#t 8orl( A!or 9enB 8o9en 8oul( ho'er aroun( age 21 !ore'er A*n a per!e#t 8orl( !or 8o9en5 * e4pe#t you'( see a lot 9ore 'ariation in age5 !ro9 a :eath Le(ger 22 to a Pier#e +rosnan 7/5 8ith the 9e(ian being a +ra( Pitt 12B& Still5 #on#e(ing this point5 8hi#h * rea(ily (o5 (oesn't 9ean that 9i((le-age (u(es still (on't a#tually see Aor at least rationali$eB porking the young as a !ist in the snout o! (eath& *t's not espe#ially high!alutin' to point it out5 it's a#tually pretty sa( an( #o99on& *! you're thinking about (eath5 or ho8 you''e s@uan(ere( your potential in 9i((le 9anage9ent or 8here'er5 you 8ant to (o things that 9ake you !eel ali'e& :a'ing se4 8ith young 8o9en is the 9ale 9i(-li!e #risis 'ersion o! the 6ake-A-Wish Foun(ation& *t (oesn't keep you !ro9 (ying5 but at least you get to go to the 6agi# Iing(o9 one 9ore ti9e& Whether this is the parti#ular #ase 8ith +ob <reene is another 9atter entirely& As =ournalist Nan#y Nall notes on her site5 <reene has ha( a reputation as a skirt-#haser !or a 8hile no85 so i! these s#an(alous ru9ors are true5 he's 9erely pursuing a modus operandi hone( o'er (e#a(es AeeeeewB& *n 8hi#h #ase Iaus #arries the (ay& This en#ounter really is less about 9i((le-age( angst than it is =ust about 9aking a !ast an( easy booty #all on the Youth o! A9eri#a" Dinner an( (essert& Let's hope it 8as at least an e4pensi'e (inner& Taking the girl out to :arol('s hi#ken Sha#k be!ore slipping her the (ru9sti#k 8oul( =ust be #hint$y an( sa(&

Attack of the &onkeyfi!her!

0June 2?' 23345

3ops& A!ter spen(ing about a 8eek (e!en(ing author %ay For9an's arti#le on the (ubious sport o! H6onkey!ishingH Ain 8hi#h For9an alleges to ha'e 8itnesse( li'e 9onkeys hooke( on a !ishing pole through the use o! apples an( a strong !ishing lineB5 Slate rather sha9e!a#e(ly ha( to a(9it that the rele'ant !a#ts o! the arti#le Ai&e&5 the trip to !ish !or 9onkeys an( the subse@uent sor(i( (etailsB 8ere 9a(e up5 an( apologi$e( !or the 8hole a!!air& Apparently5 no ani9als 8ere har9e( in the #reation o! the arti#le a!ter all& *'9 a little surprise( about the apology5 an( not si9ply be#ause Slate is an ar9 o! 6i#roso!t5 8hose modus operandi is ne'er to apologi$e about anything5 !ro9 9onopolisti# pra#ti#es an( patheti#ally sho((y ,&0 pro(u#ts5 to that 8hole pain!ul H+obH thing se'eral years ba#k Aalthough to 6i#roso!t's #re(it5 it (oes see9 to be going out o! its 8ay to publi#ly (isa'o8 lippy5 the irritating paper #lip HhelpbotH 8ith the (isturbingly unatta#he( eyeballsB& *'9 surprise( be#ause * #an't belie'e that anyone e'er thought that the H6onkey!ishingH arti#le 8as anything but !i#tion in the !irst pla#e& H6onkey!ishingH 8as one in a series o! arti#les that For9an 8rote !or Slate un(er the rubri# o! HOi#es&H 3ther arti#les Aat least one 9ore o! 8hi#h5 in#i(entally5 !eatures !abri#ate( or ina##urate (etailsB ha( For9an shootin' guns 8hile tanke( an( 8orking in the porn in(ustry5 8riting stea9y Hletters to the e(itorH a la 8enthouse Forum( These arti#les 8ere entertaining as hell to rea(5 so at the 'ery least Slate #an say that its liars gi'e goo( 'alue& The arti#les are also 8il(ly out o! pla#e at Slate5 8hose e(itorial 'oi#e la#ks the sort o! ragge(ly breathless e(ge that Salon has 9a(e !a9ous> in(ee(5 For9an's #olu9ns 8ere positi'ely Salon-es@ue A8hi#h probably shoul( ha'e tippe( so9eone o!! right thereB& +ut it's also #lear in the rea(ing that For9an's personal li!e is a little too interesting& Sure5 any o! us #oul( unloa( a #lip 8hile (runk5 or 8rite pun#hy one-!iste( prose5 or 8restle a !eisty rhesus 9onkey into a net& :o8e'er5 8ith the arguable e4#eption o! :unter Tho9pson5 not a one o! us #oul( (o all o! these things in one li!eti9e& The kar9i# loa( is too great to bear& We'( (e'ol'e into 9illipe(es 8ithout ha'ing to (ie an(

#o9e ba#k !irst& *n any e'ent5 For9an's take on things 8as perhaps a little too obser'ational gi'en the #ir#u9stan#es> the !inely-!iligree( (es#riptions o! shootin' 8hile splot$e( out on %aeger9eister5 !or e4a9ple5 bespeak an eye !or (etail rather too un(i99e( !or that parti#ular (rinkable5 8hi#h is notorious !or uns#re8ing one's opti# ner'es !aster than anything short o! a#tual anti!ree$e& 6y honest assu9ption5 a!ter ha'ing rea( the !irst o! these arti#les Athe one about (rinkin' an( shootin'B5 8as that For9an 8as hire( not !or his skills at reportage5 but to 8rite up so9e barely plausible !i#tions that 8oul( get Slate rea(ers hoppe( up an( arguing5 an( ha'e the9 sen(ing the arti#le to si9ilarly 9orally outrage( !rien(s> i&e&5 a #lassi# #ir#ulation-boosting 9o'e& The H6onkey!ishingH arti#le is a lau(able e4a9ple o! this !or9" start 8ith a liberal-enraging #on#ept Ahooking pri9ates; Why5 they're 'ery nearly ho9ini(s;B5 bait the hook?so to speak?8ith so9e plausible (etails5 like ho8 the 9onkeys 8ere in the Flori(a s8a9ps be#ause o! an aban(one( s#ienti!i# e4peri9ent5 an( then get things re''e( up 8ith a re#ounting o! an a#tual e4pe(ition5 8ith =ust a s9i(gen o! hu9anity thro8n in Athe H#at#h an( releaseH i(eaB to 9ake the essay go (o8n s9ooth& :e#k5 it's =ust like S8i!t's HA 6o(est Proposal5H e4#ept that 8here S8i!t 8as railing against the se'ere e#ono9i# an( so#ial in=usti#es in +ritish-suppresse( *relan(5 For9an is sheepishly (e#laring that taunting 9onkeys 8ith a !ishing line is5 like5 totally not #ool5 a rather lo8er target to hit Aan( hope!ully so9ething 9ost o! us #oul( ha'e !igure( out on our o8nB& *n either #ase5 ho8e'er5 the (etails are not the point5 8hether they #onsist o! A9eri#ans eating babies or A9eri#ans !ishing 9onkeys& The point is to get the au(ien#e both un#o9!ortable an( engage(& For9an ain't S8i!t Anor all that s8i!t5 sin#e he got #aughtB5 but he #ertainly a#hie'e( the ob=e#ti'e o! stirring up the ani9als5 to use :&L& 6en#ken's #olor!ul an( in this #ase #onte4tually apt phrase& To (is#o'er no8 that the !olks o'er at Slate a#tually belie'e( these gon$o a('entures 8ere true 9akes 9e !eel a little sa( an( e9barrasse( !or the9& *t's one thing to present a story about a 9onkey on a hook> it's another thing to !in( out that you're that 9onkey's un#le& 3n the other han(5 * ha'e a goo( i(ea 8hat sub=e#t For9an #oul( 8rite about !or his ne4t HOi#eH #olu9n& Assu9ing the Slate !olks 8ill e'er let hi9 8rite !or the9 again& Whi#h o! #ourse they 8ill not& For9an's a#ts o! !i#tion 8ill strike 9ost !olks as in#re(ibly stupi(& A!ter all5 here's a guy 8ith a se9i-regular gig at one o! the !e8 re9aining online sites that aB a#tually pays5 an( bB is not in (anger o! e'aporating in a spas9 o! #hoke(-o!! O !un(ing Ait pays to be a pro'in#e o! the 6i#roso!t )9pireB5 an( he s#re8s it up by 9aking #rap up& Not only that5 but he also s#re8s hi9sel! out o! !uture 8riting gigs5 sin#e no e(itor 8ith his brain s8it#he( on is going to let hi9 any8here near his publi#ation& So the @uestion is5 8hat (ri'es an other8ise Alet's assu9eB per!e#tly sane hu9an being to 8ill!ully 9ess up a s8eet (ealJ *''e got a !e8 i(eas" aB Desperation?Let's !a#e it5 it #an't be easy being any publi#ation's H'i#eH #olu9nist5 sin#e it re@uires a li!estyle that in#lu(es a high risk o! #o99uni#able (iseases5 #hroni# 9is(e9eanor arrests5 li'er (a9age an( #ourt-9an(ate( en#ounter sessions 8ith !ello8 a((i#ts& Also5 9ost people are !un(a9entally boring?it takes genuine e!!ort to go out an( pi#k up 'i#es& * suspe#t For9an si9ply #oul(n't keep up 8ith the li!estyle the #olu9n presu9e(5 an( ha( to 9ake stu!! up to keep his e(itors

happy& 3ne #an i9agine the sort o! e(itorial notes he'( be getting" %ay" This arti#le looks !ine5 but * think it nee(s a splash 9ore so(o9y to really get going& %a9 so9e in5 8oul( youJ There's a (ear?6I Feally5 8ho #oul( keep upJ Who 8oul( want toJ bB 3'er#on!i(en#e?Su##ess!ul 8riters are5 by ne#essity5 total bullshit artists5 an( yes5 * #heer!ully in#lu(e 9ysel! in this assess9ent5 although * ha'e not to this (ate entirely !abri#ate( a story so !ar as anyone kno8s& The proble9 is 8hen you start to belie'e in your o8n bullshit5 an( in your ability to ser'e up the sa9e& Writing up the 9onkey!ishing arti#le5 For9an 8as probably sitting there giggling about ho8 (a9ne( !unny he 8as an( ho8 his arti#le 8as probably going to go o'er big& What he probably 8asn't thinking about 8as that #he#king up on the truth o! his story 8as going to be a hell o! a lot easier than he 8oul( e'er assu9e& Any ti9e you bullshit5 you take a risk5 an( the longer you get a8ay 8ith bullshit5 the 9ore risks you ine'itably take& The 9oral" Writers5 #onser'e your bullshit& Nse it sparingly& An( !or <o('s sake5 (on't assu9e you #an sho'el a huge pile an( get a8ay 8ith it& +ullshit stinks5 an( gi'en a big enough pile5 e'eryone #an s9ell it& #B La$inessCStupi(ity?*! there's absolutely one thing the *nternet Age shoul( tea#h 8riters5 it is that you #an't get a8ay 8ith being la$y an( stupi( any9ore& Snip a paragraph or t8o out o! so9eone else's #olu9n an( slip it into your o8n5 or 9ake up a story that's suppose( to be true but isn't5 an( the ne4t thing you kno85 so9eone's 8ritten a letter to 6e(iaNe8s&org outing your s#re8-up5 an( you're out on your ass& %ournalists5 bless our bla#k little hearts5 are petty an( 'in(i#ti'e an( lo'e to !log our hallo8e( =ournalis9 ethi#s 8hene'er there's so9e 9o9entary a('antage an(Cor a9use9ent 'alue in (oing so& You 8ill get #aught be#ause other =ournalists are traine( to in'estigate an( they lo'e to turn on their o8n& An( they're not entirely 8rong to (o it5 either& Stupi(ity is no goo( !or the rest o! us& (B reati'e onstipation?Work 8ith 9e here& Thesis" There is no real 9arket !or !i#tion any 9ore& <et outsi(e o! the ew -or"er an( 8layboy5 an( basi#ally you ha'e to publish your !i#tion in po(unk literary =ournals that pay you in #opies& Antithesis" )'ery 8riter has a no'el or a bun#h o! short stories !estering insi(e Atrust 9eB& Synthesis" La#king a 'iable outlet !or !i#tion5 #ertain 8riters 8ill get a little too #reati'e 8ith their non-!i#tion& all 9e #ra$y !or !loating this one5 but look5 as a 8riter so9eti9es you =ust 8ant to 9ake stu!! up& *nd get pai( !or it& Woul( %ay For9an still be 8riting !or Slate i! he #oul( ha'e =ust 9anage( to sell a little !i#tion on the si(e?a story about a 8a#ky 9onkey!ishing e4pe(ition5 perhapsJ We'll ne'er kno85 but * think it's 8orth !in(ing out& 6aybe Slate shoul( start publishing !i#tion e'ery no8 an( again& *ntentionally5 * 9ean&

Stinky Chee!e

0Septe$1er 23' 23325

Irissy #a9e ho9e the other night 8ith %ho &oved &y Cheese$ *t 8as presse( onto her at 8ork by one o! the 9anagers at her ne8 pla#e o! e9ploy9ent5 8ho tol( her that all ne8 hires 8ere a#ti'ely en#ourage( to rea( it A:ere's a #lue to the sensible 6i(8estern !rugality o! her ne8 pla#e o! 8ork" rather than buying a #opy !or e'ery ne8 hire5 8hi#h 8oul( #ost K20 a pop at list pri#e5 they si9ply len( out the sa9e #opy o'er an( o'erB& 6y un(erstan(ing is that it's arguably the nu9ber one business 9oti'ational book on the 9arket& Well5 *'9 in business5 an( * pre!er to be 9oti'ate(5 so * rea( it& An( no8 * #an say5 i! this is 8hat people are using to 9oti'ate the9sel'es in #orporate A9eri#a to(ay5 no 8on(er the Do8 is 8here it's at& *t is5 8ithout e4#eption5 the stupi(est book * ha'e e'er rea(& The 9oti'ational lessons in the book #o9e in the !or9 o! a parable5 suitable !or rea(ing to your three-year-ol(5 about !our #reatures in a lab-rat 9a$e& T8o o! the9 are 9i#e5 an( t8o o! the9 are little 9i#e-si$e hu9ans5 an( they eat the #heese that's pla#e( in a #ertain lo#ation in the 9a$e& )'entually5 the a9ount o! #heese (e#reases an( then (isappears& The 9i#e5 8ho noti#e( the (e#reasing a9ounts o! #heese5 take o!! through the 9a$e to !in( 9ore #heese& The little hu9ans5 on the other han(5 bit#h about the loss o! #heese an( re9inis#e about the (ays 8hen #heese 8as plenti!ul& )'entually one o! the hu9ans gets o!! his ass an( hea(s out to !in( 9ore #heese5 an( in (oing so5 has a 9oti'ational epiphany e'ery !e8 steps5 8hi#h he !eels #o9pelle( to s#ra8l on the 8alls o! the 9a$e& )'entually he !in(s 9ore #heese in the 9a$e5 as 8ell as the 9i#e5 8ho ha'e gro8n !at an( happy 8ith their ne8 store o! !oo(& The little hu9an #onsi(ers going ba#k !or his !rien(5 but then (e#i(es that5 no5 his !rien( 9ust !in( his o8n 8ay through the 9a$e& :e lea'es his ol( pal to star'e5 as that's al9ost #ertainly 8hat his (i95 stubborn !rien( (oes5 an( !eels all shiny an( sel!-i9portant !or !in(ing his ne8 #heese& The entire parable is !ra9e( 8ith a #on'ersation bet8een se'eral !rien(s5 one o! 8ho9 is telling the parable5 an( the rest o! 8ho9 spen( the parable's epilogue 8on(ering ho8 they e'er got through their pro!essional an( personal li'es 8ithout

hearing about the #heese Aan interesting rhetori#al #heat5 in#i(entally?the author is #on!ir9ing the use!ulness o! the book by #reating #hara#ters that are helpe( by its philosophy5 but 8hi#h (on't a#tually e4ist in the real 8orl(& This is a 'ery Ayn Fan( thing to (oB& The o'erall i(ea o! the book is that #hange is ine'itable an( i! you're s9art5 8hen it happens you 8on't spen( 9u#h o! your ti9e bit#hing about ho8 you (on't like #hange> instea( you'll a(apt to the #hange an( get on 8ith your li!e& The H#heeseH represents all the things you''e #o9e to rely upon& Well5 let 9e sa'e you 20 bu#ks an( boil the lesson o! the book (o8n to e4a#tly !i'e 8or(s" Shit ,appens( Deal %ith It( Also5 the book thro8s in a !e8 other lessons5 8hi#h are hope!ully uninten(e(" Li!e is a 9a$e that has been lai( out 8ithout your #ontrol or #onsent& The best you #an (o is run through it an( hope you run into the things that 9ake you happy& You ha'e no #ontrol o'er the things that 9ake you happy?their @uantity an( @uality are #ontrolle( totally by outsi(e !or#es5 8ith 8ho9 you #annot intera#t5 an( 8hi#h ha'e no interest in your nee(s& The 9i#e in the parable un(erstoo( that the H#heeseH 8as (e#reasing but neither in!or9e( the little hu9ans nor see9e( intereste( in helping the9 on#e the #heese 8as gone& 6i#e represent the Hother&H You #annot trust the Hother&H Sti#k to your o8n kin( Aalternately5 the 9i#e represent 9anage9ent5 8ho kno8 9ore about the reality o! the situation5 an( the little hu9ans are the rank-an(-!ile5 intentionally kept in the (ark by 9anage9ent& )ither 8ay" Not to be truste(B& The one little hu9an !oun( 9ore #heese but (e#i(e( not to return to help his !rien(5 rationali$ing that it 8as up to his !rien( to !in( the 8ay& 6oral" 3n#e you''e got yours5 you (on't nee( to share& *t's not your responsibility to share your kno8le(ge 8ith others5 e'en i! the #ost o! sharing that kno8le(ge is tri'ial an( (oing so 8ill i99easurably i9pro'e their li'es Ai&e&5 in this #ase5 keep the other little hu9an !ro9 star'ing to (eathB& *n other 8or(s5 the !or9ulation o! the book posits a 8orl( that is #on!using an( sterile5 in 8hi#h the things that 9ight 9ake us happy all e4ist outsi(e o! oursel'es5 an( in 8hi#h the ulti9ate su##ess!ul @ualities are sel!ishness an( paranoia& * 8on(er ho8 popular this book 8as at )nron an( <lobal rossing& Look5 people& *! you e'er !in( your H#heeseH (e#reasing5 (on't run aroun( !ranti#ally in a 9a$e5 looking !or so9ething else to repla#e it& Si9ply learn to 9ake #heese& Whi#h is to say5 be responsible !or #reating your o8n happiness internally instea( o! relying on so9ething outsi(e o! you to pro'i(e it5 an( li'ing in !ear that it 8ill go a8ay& This 8ay5 8hen the #os9i# !or#es take a8ay your #heese5 you #an look up an( say5 screw you and your stin"in! ma9e( I!ll move when I damn well feel li"e it & )'en better5 you 8on't ha'e to #o9pete 8ith others !or your #heese& :e#k5 e'entually you'll ha'e surplus #heese to gi'e to your !rien(s 8ho 9ight be star'ing !or so9e& You #an tea#h the9 to 9ake #heese5 too& <i'e a 9an a pie#e o! #heese5 an( he has #heese toast !or a (ay& Tea#h hi9 ho8 to 9ake #heese5 an( you''e got a li!e-long !on(ue party pal& 6999& Fon(ue& 6u#h better than s#a9pering blin(ly through a 9a$e& 3r paying K20 !or a book that #on(es#en(ingly tells you that's 8hat you shoul( be (oing 8ith your li!e&

7eing an #6Author

0July ;4' 23345

Author 6% Fose 8rote a !airly interesting arti#le yester(ay about being kno8n as an He-authorH?Fose sel!-publishe( her !irst no'el online an( generate( enough bu$$ to ha'e it pi#ke( up by a tra(itional publisher5 an( has sin#e 8ritten t8o other books that ha'e been tra(itionally publishe(& :o8e'er5 the tra(itional books Aan( her #areer as a no'elistB ha'e taken a ba#k seat to her being kno8n as Hthe e-book 8o9anH?a #ir#u9stan#e that apparently #auses other publishe( 8riters to sneer 8hile 9aking her a 9agnet to 8anna-be 8riters5 !or 8ho9 being e-publishe( is a step up !ro9 8hat they are no85 8hi#h is nothing Ain ter9s o! being authorsB& *n short5 Fose is kno8n !or 8hat she's (one rather than 8hat's she's 8ritten5 8hi#h is not really 8hat an author 8ants& *n a sense * un(erstan( 8here she's #o9ing !ro95 sin#e * ha'e one book out in the stores an( a no'el 8hi#h Alike herB5 * sel!-publishe( on 9y Web site& :o8e'er5 unlike her5 8hen * 9eet other 8riters or people ask 8hat *''e 8ritten5 * lea( 8ith the publishe( book an( rarely i! e'er 9ention the no'el at all5 pre#isely be#ause it is on Web an( not in a boun( book& As Fose #o99uni#ates in the arti#le5 tell so9eone you''e publishe( on the Web an( i99e(iately a sign goes up o'er your hea( 8hi#h blinks HN3T A F)AL ANT:3FH in bright pink neon& +etter not to bring it up at all& *t's sa( !or the no'el5 o! #ourse5 8hi#h is a (e#ent enough rea( an( 8hi#h is on the Web at least partly (ue to by o8n la$iness Ait 8as easier to put it up than !log it !or years at 'arious s#ien#e !i#tion publishersB5 but * a##ept it as part o! the territory& The reason 8hy Fose gets no respe#t !or being e-publishe( an( 8hy * (on't bring up 9y no'el is si9ply this" +e#ause 9ost HbooksH on the Web 8ell an( truly su#k& Sel!publishe( Hbooks5H o! #ourse5 are generally the slu(ge o! the 8hole Web barrel?(re#k so ba( that not e'en e-publishers 8ill tou#h the9& Fro9 ti9e to ti9e *'ll go an( #he#k out a sel!-publishe( no'el on the Web& *t's rare * get past the !irst page5 an( so9eti9es it's a #hallenge to get past the !irst paragraph5 8hi#h as o!ten as not is one tre9en(ous run-on senten#e& Yes5 %a9es %oy#e has a 8hole #hapter in HNlyssesH that is one long run-on senten#e& :o8e'er aB so9eone pai( %oy#e !or HNlysses5H an( bB these people on the Web ain't %oy#e&

+eyon( the sel!-publishe( (re#k are the e-publishers5 8ho also publish a 8hole lot o! (re#k5 although it's not entirely their !ault& Si9ply put5 e-publishers (on't get !irst #ra#k at the goo( stu!!?e'ery 8riter 8ho is 8orth a (a9n hits tra(itional publishers !irst Ai! !or no other reason than that their agents 8oul(n't be #aught (ea( shilling their #lients to epublishers unless they absolutely ha( to> it's ba( !or businessB& +y the ti9e a 8ork !ilters (o8n to the e-publishers5 it's usually !or a reason5 that being that it #oul(n't be sol( any8here else& *t's sort o! like ho8 a#tors are in +-9o'ies not be#ause they want to be5 but be#ause they (on't ha'e any choice& )-publishing is the straight-to-'i(eo o! the literary 8orl(& ALet us stipulate at this point that yes5 in(ee(5 tra(itional publishers spe8 out astoun(ing a9ounts o! (re#k as 8ell& Anyone 8ho atte9pts to rea( any sort o! genre !i#tion kno8s this to be true& :o8e'er5 tra(itionally publishe( (re#k is typi#ally a better #lass o! (re#k than epublishe( (re#k5 an( #ertainly e4ponentially better than sel!-publishe(on-the-Web (re#k&B Not all e-publishe( 8ork is #rap5 o! #ourse& So9e o! it is 'ery goo( Aan( i! you're an e-author 8ho is rea(ing this5 *'9 sure your e-book is the !inest e-book e'er publishe(B& That's not 9y point& 6y point is5 regar(less o! the @uality o! the best o! e-publishe( books an( no'els5 the general @uality range o! e-publishe( 8ork5 an( the !a#t it's al8ays the Hse#on(-bestH publishing option5 8ill al8ays #onspire to (enigrate anyone 8ho publishes in this 9e(iu9& An( * (oubt this 8ill #hange5 until te#hnology #hanges enough to erase all the pra#ti#al (i!!eren#es bet8een e-publishing an( tra(itional publishing& This 8oul( re@uire an e-book rea(er that is as easy to rea( as a tra(itional book5 (urable to abuse as 9u#h as 8e abuse paperba#ks an( #heap enough that 8hen you lose it5 you #an buy another one 8ithout 8in#ing at the (ent in your 8allet& Te#hnology is an a9a$ing thing5 but 8e're still a long 8ay o!! !ro9 that& AThe other option is to ha'e e-publishers start paying e4orbitant a9ounts to ha'e top 8riters publish original 8orks (ire#tly to (igital !or95 but5 yeah5 like that!s happening any ti9e soon& There is an e-publisher 8ho is reprinting 9o(ern author #lassi#s5 but * e4pe#t that to !lop5 sin#e the paperba#ks are still out there&B The solution to Fose's proble9 is si9ple5 in#i(entally& *! she 8ants to stop being kno8n as an He-author5H she shoul( si9ply stop talking an( 8riting about it& She is a tra(itionally publishe( author no8> she #an look at the other authors 8ho treat her 8ith slight regar( an( say5 Hhey5 bite 9e5 *''e got three books in the stores&H *t's har( to argue 8ith su##ess& 3! #ourse5 the !lip si(e o! this is that 'ery !e8 9aga$ines5 ne8spapers or TO sho8s are intereste( in authors !or 8hat they''e written& 6% Fose is an author kno8n !or 8hat she's (one5 but she is kno8n& *t's publi#ity5 no 9atter o! 8hat sort5 an( it's har( to let go o!&

The Stupi e!t Critici!$ of a Clinton' Thi! Week

0June 42' 233;5

<regg )asterbrook5 an )SPN2 #olu9nist an( senior e(itor at the ew #epublic' takes a 8ha#k at :illary linton an( her book8riting pro8ess5 presenting so9e interesting e'i(en#e that she's a HliarH in his #olu9n " HLi'ing :istory is a .02-page book& A 8ork o! that length 8oul( take an a'erage 8riter perhaps !our years to pro(u#e> a highly pro!i#ient 8riter 9ight !inish in t8o years5 i! 8orking on nothing else& linton signe( the #ontra#t to '8rite' the book about t8o years ago& About the sa9e ti9e5 she also 8as s8orn in as a 9e9ber o! the Nnite( States Senate& linton took an oath to prote#t the onstitution an( to ser'e the #iti$ens o! Ne8 York& So in the last t8o years linton has either been negle#ting her (uties as a Nnite( States Senator?that is5 'iolating her oath?in or(er to be the true author o! Li'ing :istory5 or she is #lai9ing authorship o! so9eone else's 8ork& onsi(ering that linton has 9a(e al9ost (aily publi# appearan#es (uring the perio( 8hen she 8as suppose(ly !e'erishly '8riting' her book5 let's 9ake a 8il( guess 8hi#h e4planation pertains&H What )asterbrook ulti9ately appears to be 8oun( up about is that it's probably 'ery likely linton use( a ghost8riter !or so9e or all o! the book an( yet she's taking all o! the #re(it& Well5 this is a stupi( argu9ent& * (on't think anyone's terribly sho#ke( that politi#ians an( #elebrities use ghost8riters !or their books& *t's unlikely that )asterbrook 8ill !in( 9u#h tra#tion !or this outrage up on the :ill5 sin#e =ust about e'ery politi#ian up there 8ho has publishe( a book has use( a ghost8riter !or it& An( i! )asterbrook 8ants to get e4er#ise( about linton5 he'll also nee( to get e4er#ise( about %FI5 8hose Pulit$er Pri$e-8inning 8rofiles in Courage 8as probably 8ritten by Theo(ore Sorenson5 an( Fonal( Feagan5 8ho reporte(ly sai( o! his o8n autobiography that he ha( hear( it 8as a great book an( that he shoul( rea( it so9eti9e& With politi#ians there's the a##epte( !a#t that their 8or(s are 8ritten !or the9 all the

ti9e?they ha'e spee#h-8riters& When a presi(ent goes up an( gi'es a State o! the Nnion a((ress5 no one in his right 9in( belie'es that he's 8ritten that spee#h hi9sel! Athis is parti#ularly the #ase 8ith the #urrent resi(ent o! the White :ouseB& :o8e'er5 ne8s reports (on't say HTonight5 Presi(ent +ush5 as 8ritten by Da'i( Fru95 announ#e( s8eeping ne8 ta4 proposals&H The 8or(s are attribute( to +ush& The sa9e thing happens 8ith #olu9ns an( arti#les pro(u#e( by politi#ians !or ne8spapers an( 9aga$ines& +e that as it 9ay5 9ost o! us a##ept the 8or(s as the politi#ians'& * (on't see the nation rising up to #ontest this apparent the!t o! 8ork& We get the #on#ept& Also5 it's not as i! ghost8riters are typi#ally abuse( by the agree9ent& +y an( large5 ghost8riters !or pro9inent #elebs an( politi#ians get a he!ty up!ront pay9ent an( so9e #ut o! the royalties& An( o! #ourse the ghost8riter hi9 or hersel! is kno8n to the publishers5 8hi#h positions the 8riter ni#ely !or another pro!itable ghost8riting assign9ent or !or his or her o8n 8orks& *! linton use( a ghost8riter5 it's unlikely you'll hear the ghost8riter #o9plain about the arrange9ent& +y an( large5 it's a goo( (eal !or the 8riter& AWell5 this ti9e5 any8ay?the ghost8riter !or linton's It Ta"es a @illage got into an argu9ent 8ith her about #re(it an( #o9plaine( to the 9e(ia& Presu9ably linton an( her publisher 9a(e it #lear 8ith 8hate'er ghost8riter they 9ight ha'e use( this ti9e 8hat the situation 8oul( be&B Probably the best 8ay to look at the ghost8ritten 8orks o! politi#ians an( #elebrities is to approa#h the9 like you 8oul( HsoloH albu9s by 9usi#ians& Solo albu9s are anything but?usually there are song8riters5 pro(u#ers5 engineers an( other 9usi#ians 8ho #ontribute to the e!!ort& When you think about solo albu9s by #elebrities5 usually soap stars5 the HsoloH aspe#t o! it be#o9es e'en less a##urate& No one e4pe#ts the singer to (o e'ery single thing on the albu95 unless they are Prin#e& Well5 you say5 at least these people sing on their albu9s& True enough& +ut it's not as i! linton5 i! she (i( use a ghost8riter5 8as totally unin'ol'e(& First o!!5 it is her story5 an( 8hate'er part o! the book she (i( not 8rite hersel!5 she still ha( (ire#t super'ision o! its 8riting> rest assure( that nothing in that book got past her 8ithout her appro'al& linton 9ay ha'e not s#ribble( out e'ery 8or( o! it hersel!5 but the book says e4a#tly 8hat she 8ants it to say& *t's un(oubte(ly her book& She's the pro(u#er& So5 * suppose5 you #oul( think o! it as the literary e@ui'alent o! an Alan Parsons Pro=e#t albu9& Thereby5 * (on't think it's espe#ially (ishonest o! her to present it as her o8n5 8ith her na9e solely on the #o'er& )asterbrook is 9erely being intentionally obtuse about ho8 politi#ians 8rite their books in or(er to take a 8ha#k at linton& )asterbrook 9entions that so9e politi#ians in#lu(e their ghost8riter's na9es on the #o'er& Sure& An( so9e don!t( linton's not the !irst5 an( she 8on't be the last5 !ro9 either si(e o! the aisle& An( unless she spe#i!i#ally #o9es right out an( says HYes5 * 8rote e'ery single 8or( in 9y book 8ith no help !ro9 anyone else 8hatsoe'erH?8hi#h *'9 una8are that she has (one ?she's not lying& Speaking o! obtuseness on the part o! )asterbrook5 his #o99ent that it 8oul( take the a'erage 8riter !our years to 8rite a .02-page book is #o9plete an( total #rap& *n !our years A,/// through 2002B * 8rote three books un(er 9y o8n na9e Aea#h about /05000 8or(s5 or roughly 100 pages ea#hB5 an( #ontribute( to another three books to the tune o! about 005000 8or(s5 or another 200 pages& urrently *'9 8orking on t8o

a((itional books5 one (ue in Septe9ber an( one in 3#tober5 both o! 8hi#h 8ill also #o9e out to about /05000 8or(s5 or yet another 100 pages ea#h& So5 in !i'e years5 * 8ill ha'e pro(u#e( !i'e books un(er 9y o8n na9e an( #ontribute( to three other books !or a gran( total o! about .,05000 8or(s an( about ,5700 pages& Note this is on top o! 8riting ne8spaper an( 9aga$ine #olu9ns an( arti#les5 #orporate 8riting assign9ents an( 8riting untol( thousan(s o! 8or(s here on this site& To put it si9ply5 i! * #oul( only pro(u#e .00 pages o! 8riting in !our years5 * 8oul( star'e& *'9 gla( the Ha'erageH 8riter #an only 8rite that 9u#h& *t 9eans 9ore 8ork !or 9e& +ut in !a#t the Ha'erageH 8riter #an 8rite substantially 9ore than )asterbrook Ahi9sel! an author o! three booksB #lai9s?as #oul( a 8orking senator5 *'9 sure5 i! she put her 9in( to it& No 9atter ho8 you sli#e it5 )asterbrook's 9oral outrage #on#erning linton's book is pretty 9u#h bogus& )ither he's obtuse about ho8 publishing 8orks5 or he's 9isrepresenting 8hat he kno8s& *'ll assu9e the !or9er& * 8oul( hate to think 6r& )asterbrook has a proble9 8ith honesty&

#n"y

0July 22' 233;5

There's an interesting arti#le by the !or9er girl!rien( o! %onathan Fran$en5 the no8!a9ous 8riter o! The Corrections5 an( o! other books * ha'en't rea( but 8hi#h * a9 tol( are 'ery goo( Aan( not =ust be#ause 3prah thinks soB& *t's 9ostly about her obser'ing hersel! obser'ing her e4-boy!rien('s literary !a9e5 8hi#h is a 9atter o! personal i9port sin#e she is hersel! a 8riter5 an( si9ply put5 it's not usually a 'ery goo( thing 8hen the person 8ho you are 8ith (oes the sa9e thing you (o an( (oes better Ain ter9s o! !inan#es an( !a9eB than you (o& This is espe#ially true o! 8riters5 8ho li'e 9u#h o! their li'es internally an( there!ore ha'e 9ore ti9e Aan( ability o! e4pressionB to ste8 an( en'y an( plot an( pi#k& 3ne shoul( ne'er generali$e about these things5 but * personally think that a real goo( re#ipe !or 9isery 8oul( be t8o 8riters in a ro9anti# relationship 8ith ea#h other& 3thers 9ay (isagree" They 9ay say that a spouse 8ho 8rites un(erstan(s 8hat you're going through5 9ight be able to o!!er perspe#ti'e an( gui(an#e an( assistan#e5 an( all that happy #rap& +ut as 'aluable as those things 9ight be5 there's another !ar 9ore (etri9ental (yna9i#5 8hi#h is that unless they are 8riting 8holly (isparate things?say5 one 8rites !i#tion an( one 8rites s#ien#e te4tbooks5 an( neither has the a9bition to (abble in the other's area?t8o 8riters un(er the sa9e roo! are al8ays #o9peting 8ith ea#h other5 !or the #le'erest lines5 the 9ost sales5 !or the 9ost ra8 talent& An( 8hat's 9ore5 the happy #ouple are #o9peting 8ith ea#h other in a 9e(iu9 that en#ourages the author to (igest the 9inutiae o! personal li!e an( (isgorge it onto the page& The t8o authors 8ill soon be !ee(ing on ea#h other !or 9aterial5 an( i! that isn't in#estuous an( re#ursi'e enough5 8hen one o! the9 be#o9es 9ore su##ess!ul than the other5 the other 8ill hate the9 !or it& Not all?so9e 8riters are se#ure enough in 8hat they're (oing Aor relish their in(ie #re( enoughB that they (on't see the su##ess o! their spouse or lo'er as a negati'e #o99entary on their o8n 8ork& * e'en kno8 a #ouple& +ut5 shall 8e say5 they're re9arkably se#ure people in a !iel( !ille( 8ith t8it#hy types& 3ne o! the things that * ha'e al8ays been relie'e( about regar(ing 9y o8n 9arriage is that Irissy an( * ha'e no #ause to #o9pete on a pro!essional le'el& She has no

a9bitions to 8rite !or a li'ing5 an( * ha'e no (esire to (o 8hat she (oes5 an( that lea'es the both o! us to be 8holehearte(ly supporti'e o! ea#h other 8ithout e'en the slightest hint o! en'y or un-happiness& * 8ant 9y 8i!e to be 9a(ly su##ess!ul5 an( she 9e& *! she 9anages one (ay to be#o9e a OP or )35 *'9 not going to sit aroun( 8on(ering i! * shoul( be at the sa9e pla#e in 9y o8n #areer> i! * 8rite a bestselling book one (ay5 she's not going to 8on(er 8hy * 8as (oing so 8ell 8hen her book o! short stories 8as being re9ain(ere(& 6arriage is 8ork enough 8ithout ha'ing to (e!ine your su##ess relati'e to your spouse& Su##ess is a !unny thing any8ay5 espe#ially !or #reati'e types& You ha'e to train yoursel! not to begru(ge it to others5 an( in(ee( to 8ant others to su##ee( in your !iel(& Writers are supre9ely passi'e-aggressi'e Aagain part an( par#el o! that 8hole spen(ing too 9u#h ti9e in your o8n hea( thingB5 an( it's an e!!ort not to 8on(er 8hat so9eone else's su##ess 9eans !or your o8n or your o8n la#k thereo!& )'entually you ha'e to reali$e that su##ess is not a $ero-su9 ga9e A8ell5 te#hni#ally it is5 be#ause there's a !inite nu9ber o! publishers 8ith a !inite a9ount o! resour#es5 publishing a !inite a9ount o! books e'ery year?but all those nu9bers are large enough that !or the in(i'i(ual author5 the point is 9ootB& Despite 8hat you 9ay think5 the su##ess o! others is not a re!eren(u9 on you& )'entually you reali$e there's a positi'e 'alue in the su##ess o! others5 espe#ially i! you kno8 the9 or are #onne#te( to the9 in so9e 8ay& * a9 ti#kle( si4 kin(s o! pink that 9y !rien( Pa9ela Fibon's book has been !lying o!! the shel'es an( that 9y !rien( Nao9i Irit$er's !antasy series has been so 8ell re#ei'e(& * kno8 ory Do#toro8 only through the HSi4 Degrees o! SeparationH group-hug that's kno8n as the blog 8orl(5 but * !eel in'este( in the !ine per!or9an#e o! his no'el be#ause it's proo! that you #an put your 8ork online an( people 8ill still #hoose to shell out !or it in tra(itional !or9& )'eryone 8ho su##ee(s sho8s that su##ess is possible> *''e also !oun( that those 8ho ha'e su##ess usually 8ant their !rien(s to su##ee( as 8ell& * kno8 in 9y o8n #ase that * #an na9e a #ouple o! 8riters 8ho * #an't 8ait to be Hne4tH?* 8ant the9 in the sa9e #lub *'9 in be#ause * like being 8ith 9y !rien(s& +ut *'ll also note *'9 not 9arrie( to any o! these people5 an( although * like to think o! 9ysel! as genially se#ure in the su##ess o! these other 8riters5 *'9 also please( not to be in a position 8here * ha'e to 8orry about ho8 9y (ealing 8ith their su##ess a!!e#ts our 9ortgage an( #hil(ren& As * sai(5 ro9anti# relations are #o9pli#ate( enough& The possibility o! en'ying the su##ess o! the one you lo'e shoul(n't be a part o! it& *'9 gla( in 9y #ase it's not&

Work!hop Fraca!

0July 2?' 233;5

This is interesting to 9e" <ene Wol!e5 the note( !antasy 8riter5 8as the author-inresi(en#e at the 3(yssey Fantasy Writers Workshop earlier this 9onth& As Wol!e began his #riti@ues5 so9e o! the 9e9bers o! the 8orkshop 8ere apparently taken aba#k at his style an( his bluntness> a!ter a !e8 (ays o! this5 one o! the 8orkshop 9e9bers sub9itte( a letter to Wol!e #o9plaining about his style& Wol!e's response to the letter 8as to pa#k up an( lea'e& This 8as !ollo8e( al9ost i99e(iately by se'eral parti#ipants re#ounting the story online5 in#lu(ing Wol!e> it's like #oshomon5 in 8orkshop !or9& * shoul( note that #oloring this #o99entary is 9y personal a'ersion to the 8orkshop #on#ept5 8hi#h has 9ore to (o 8ith 9y o8n personality than it (oes the relati'e 'alue o! sitting aroun( talking about your 8riting 8ith other 8riters& For so9e people it 8orks& 3n 9y en(?an( this is 9y raging egotis9 here?*'( rather spen( 9y ti9e putting 9y 8ork in !ront o! people 8ho are going to pay 9e !or 9y 8ork5 than pay to ha'e people rea( it& We #an talk about the 'alue o! 8orkshops in be#o9ing a better 8riter5 8hate'er that 9eans5 but being that * 8rite !or a li'ing5 *'9 9ore intereste( in be#o9ing a commercial 8riter5 an( un!ortunately #o99entary on 9y 8riting !ro9 a bun#h o! other unpublishe( 8riters is o! little utility in that regar(& +eing a better 8riter is so9ething o! a 9oot point5 sin#e i! you're not a #o99er#ial 8riter to so9e e4tent5 'ery !e8 people 8ill kno8 8hether your 8riting is any goo( or not& +ut o! #ourse it 8orks the other 8ay5 too?8ere * an unpublishe( 8riter5 any #o99ents * #oul( gi'e other 8riters 8oul( be o! @uestionable utility5 sin#e 9y e4perien#e 8ith being publishe( 8oul( be 9ini9al& * #oul( o!!er 9y thoughts as a rea(er5 but then5 so #oul( any literate person& So5 to get ba#k to the 8orkshop thing5 * (on't see 8hat the 'alue is in paying a #ouple gran( to ha'e a bun#h o! rea(ers rea( 9y 8ork& * #oul( get that (one !or !ree Alook 8hat you're (oing right no8B& No85 at this point in 9y li!e5 *'( be 8illing to parti#ipate in a 8orkshop en'iron9ent be#ause *'9 on the other en( o! the sti#k?*''e been a pro!essional 8riter !or ,2 years5 *''e publishe( Aor 8ill ha'e publishe(B a nu9ber o! books5 an( *''e also been a #o99er#ial e(itor5 #harge( 8ith buying an( then e(iting sub9issions !ro9 8riters& *n

other 8or(s5 * no8 ha'e a le'el o! e4perien#e that 9eans that 8hen * 9ake a #o99ent or suggestion regar(ing the 8riter's 8ork5 it 8oul( ha'e so9e pra#ti#al5 real 8orl( 'alue& * 8oul(n't !eel like a total ass telling an aspiring 8riter 8hat * thought 8ere the pluses an( 9inuses o! the 8ork& This is pro!essional pri(e in a#tion" *''e been aroun( the blo#k a !e8 ti9es no8& * kno8 8hereo! * speak& 6ostly& So5 in short" Workshops?eh& *'( go !or the pros an( their #o99ents& )'erything else is group-huggy sel!-a!!ir9ation& Alas !or the people at the 3(yssey Workshop5 9any o! the9 see9 to ha'e gone !or the group-huggy sel!-a!!ir9ation rather than the use!ul aspe#t o! ha'ing their 8ork rea( an( #o99ente( upon by a pro!essional?an( to ha'e the e4posure to ho8 a pro!essional 8riter approa#hes the 8ork5 an( ho8 the pro!essional 8orl( approa#hes 8riting as 8ell& 3ne o! the 9ost interesting an( telling #o99ents #a9e !ro9 8orkshop parti#ipant Sarah Totten5 8ho 8rote in her =ournal about 3(yssey5 a!ter !irst being e4pose( to Wol!e an( his #riti#al style" HSin#e 8hen (i( 8riting be#o9e a #o9petiti'e sportJ We're suppose( to be !ostering #a9ara(erie here5 not #utthroat one-up9anship&H Anyone 8ho belie'es pro!essional 8riting is not a #o9petiti'e sport nee(s to take a !iel( trip to any o! the 9a=or publishing houses an( take a long lo'ing look at the slush pile& Pro!essional 8riting is intensely #o9petiti'e& *'ll trot out 9y !a'orite personal e4a9ple here" When * 8as e(iting that hu9or area on A9eri#a 3nline lo those 9any years ago5 * ha( 20 open spa#es a 9onth to !ill 8ith sub9issions& * got5 on a'erage5 ,5000 sub9issions a 9onth& This 9eans that !or e'ery pie#e * a##epte(5 * re=e#te( 7/5 8hi#h is Ai! 9y spotty 9ath hol(s upB a /2P re=e#tion rate& An( 8hen you #onsi(er that a!ter the !irst #ouple o! 9onths5 9ore than hal! o! 9y a'ailable slots 8ent to people * 8orke( 8ith be!ore an( kne8 #oul( pro'i(e 9e @uality 9aterial5 the real 8orl( re=e#tion rate !or so9eone sen(ing 9e so9ething blin( 8as //VP& *t 8as substantially easier to get into :ar'ar( than to pla#e 8ork 8ith 9e& *n !a#t5 the sports analogy is an interestingly soun( one 8hen it #o9es to publishing Aespe#ially book publishingB& )a#h 9a=or publisher is like a 9a=or league baseball tea95 8hi#h has a #ertain nu9ber o! slots to !ill on its playing #ar( e'ery year an( a #ertain a9ount o! 9oney to spen( to !ill those slots& The all-stars are !e8 an( get the 9ost 9oney5 an( the rest o! the holes are !ille( 8ith utility players =ust happy to be in the ga9e instea( o! ha'ing to li!t applian#es !or a li'ing A8hi#h one a9 *J Are you ki((ingJ * kno8 8hat * got !or an a('an#e& Fight no85 *'9 a utility in!iel(er all the 8ay& * =ust hope * #an help the tea95 an( <o( 8illing5 e'erything 8ill 8ork outB& )'ery year5 so9e potentially e4#iting ne8 players get pi#ke( up5 so9e un(erper!or9ing ol( players get (roppe(& So9e ha'e :all o! Fa9e #areers& So9e go ba#k to their (ay =obs an( are gla( they at least got into The Sho8& Writing is a business as 8ell as e'erything else it is5 an( i! you're going to go pro5 you ha'e to per!or9& So9eone is rea(y to take your pla#e in the publisher's lineup i! you (on't& o9petition is built in& 6aybe it's not !air5 but the real 8orl( isn't like t-ball5 8here e'erybo(y gets to bat& As !or #a9ara(erie5 * think it's a great i(ea" * kno8 other 8riters5 * like other 8riters& * like seeing other 8riters * kno8 su##ee(& +ut ulti9ately it's not 8hat pro!essional 8riting's about5 any 9ore than great (ugout #a9ara(erie is the point o! a pro!essional baseball tea9& The Detroit Tigers #oul( 'ery 8ell ha'e the 9ost sel!-a!!ir9ing (ugout in

the 9a=or leagues5 but the !ans 8oul( probably rather the players hate( ea#h other's guts an( 8on ,00 ga9es& A 8riter's au(ien#e #ares about 8hat's on the page> the pro!essional 8riter's =ob is to gi'e the rea(ers a reason to #are Aan( hope!ully to #are 8ith their 8allets an( #harge #ar(sB& No a9ount o! group hugging 8ill 9atter i! your 8riting (oesn't sell itsel!& 6s& Lin#oln5 in (es#ribing her rea#tion to 6r& Wol!e's #riti@ue5 8rote" HWol!e's #riti@ue (i(n't gi'e 9e anything the rest o! the #lass #oul(n't (eli'er5 only 9ore ta#t!ully&H 6s& Lin#oln5 8ith no (isrespe#t to her !ollo8 8orkshoppers5 is probably 8rong on this> 6r& Wol!e has publishe( a #ouple (o$en no'els a#ross !our (e#a(es5 as 8ell as innu9erable short stories o'er a longer span o! ti9e5 9any o! 8hi#h ha'e been no9inate( !or Aan( on se'eral o##asions ha'e 8onB the 'arious top SFCF a8ar(s& This 9eans he has an e4#ellent #o9bination o! o'erall 8riting skill an( #o99er#ial sa''y> no one gets #ontinuously publishe( o'er !our (e#a(es i! he (oesn't kno8 8hat he's (oing in both (epart9ents& Writing skill (oesn't ne#essarily i9ply tea#hing skill5 ho8e'er& +ut in this #ase 6r& Wol!e has taken part in 8orkshops at larions )ast an( West an( at Flori(a Atlanti# Nni'ersity5 an( taught #reati'e 8riting at olu9bia Nni'ersity& So all the 8ay aroun(5 Wol!e has the personal an( pro!essional e4perien#e to pro'i(e use!ul #riti#is95 in a 8ay that the others in the 8orkshop al9ost #ertainly #oul( not Aother8ise they 8oul(n't be thereB& Wol!e's #ri9e5 as !ar as * #an see5 8as to pro'i(e #riti#is9 in a 9anner not to the liking o! the 8orkshop 9e9bers& An( this is 8here *5 both as a pro!essional 8riter an( as a pro!essional #riti#5 ha'e to ask" SoJ *s it the instru#tor's =ob to be like(5 or is it his =ob to pro'i(e use!ul in!or9ationJ When * 8as in high s#hool5 * re9e9ber telling one o! 9y tea#hers one (ay that * thought his #lasses 8oul( go 9ore su##ess!ully i! he trie( #onne#ting 8ith the stu(ents in a 8ay that 8as 9ore on their le'el& :e trie( it the ne4t (ay5 an( 8hether he 8as intentionally 9o#king 9e or 9erely 9aking a sin#ere atte9pt5 * #oul(n't say& +ut * #an say it 8as probably the 9ost (eeply e9barrassing e4perien#e * ha( as a stu(ent5 in that * suggeste( so9ething that 8as so ob'iously ill-suite( to the 9an& *t 8as also the !irst ti9e * reali$e( that tea#hers 8ho (on't tea#h us the 8ay 8e think 8e 8ant to be taught aren't al8ays ba( tea#hers& 6aybe the 8ay they tea#h in itsel! is a lesson& * #an't say that * be#a9e a better stu(ent in that parti#ular #lass5 but * (o kno8 * pai( 9ore attention to how 9y tea#her trie( to tea#h 9e& An( 9aybe that's 8hat Wol!e 8as (oing5 too& Wol!e's #riti#al style 8as by all a##ounts #on!rontational5 #o9parati'e an( (eeply sub=e#ti'e5 to 8hi#h * say" Wel#o9e to #riti#is9& onstru#ti'e #riti#is9 (oesn't ha'e to be Hni#eH> it #an be abrupt an( o!!ensi'e& riti#is9 #an sho#k you out o! your #o9pla#en#y an( re9in( you that the 8orl( is not in !a#t a #o$y #ir#le o! 8orkshop bu((ies& *'9 not Wol!e5 so * #an't say 8hat he 8as thinking5 but * (o kno8 that the real 8orl( o! 8riting is #on!rontational Aunless you think re=e#tion is a passi'e a#tB5 #o9parati'e Ain that e(itors al8ays ha'e so9ething else in the pile to go 8ith instea( o! your pie#eB an( (eeply sub=e#ti'e Ae(itors like so9e things 9ore than othersB& This 9ay ha'e been these 8orkshop 8riters' !irst e4posure to this point o! 'ie85 but i!

they inten( to be pro!essional 8riters it 8on't be their last5 guarantee(& *t #oul( be that Wol!e 8ante( the9 to get an i(ea o! 8hat they'( be getting into !or the ne4t !e8 (e#a(es o! their li'es& Those 8ho #oul(n't ha#k Wol!e's getting into their !a#es about their 8riting 9ight 8ant to rethink their plans& *n 8hi#h #ase they 9ight 8ant to thank Wol!e !or helping the9 bail out early& :a( * been in Wol!e's shoes5 * 8oul( not ha'e @uit& * 8oul( ha'e gone into that #lassroo9 an( tol( the9 Athose 8ho 8oul( listenB that i! they thought he 8as being rough5 that they shoul( =ust 8ait until their !irst bat#h o! book re'ie8s rolle( in& The pro!essional 8riting li!e is not !or people 8ho nee( to be a!!ir9e(& *t's /2P re=e#tion on a goo( (ay& Writers also nee( to learn to stan( their groun( in the !a#e o! 8ithering #riti#is9& *! your response to being slagge( is to run a8ay an( 8rite 8hiny letters about ho8 your #riti# 8as un!air5 man5 are you e'er in the 8rong line o! 8ork& *! you belie'e in your 8ork5 you !ire ba#k an( you gi'e as goo( as you get& You take your !ight to your #riti# an( 9ake hi9 or her ba#k up the #riti#is9& When your #riti#s ha'e a point5 you learn an( you 9o'e on& +ut 8hen you think you're right5 you argue it5 tooth an( nail5 an( you 8in or (ie trying& 6aybe Wol!e 8as trying to see i! anyone in his group o! 8riters 8oul( !ight ba#k& *n her reportage5 6s& Lin#oln pri(es hersel! on not losing her #ool in the !a#e o! a barrage o! #riti#is9& * think she got it all 8rong?* think she shoul( ha'e blaste( ba#k an( 9a(e Wol!e e4plain his points& For all his e4perien#e5 in the en( he's =ust a 9an5 not a burning bush& :is 8or( is not la8& For all his e4perien#e5 he could be !ull o! #rap& * #an't speak !or Wol!e5 @uite ob'iously5 but i! * unleashe( a barrage o! #riti#is9 an( the response 8as a prissy5 passi'e-aggressi'e letter o! #o9plaint5 * #oul( see ho8 lea'ing 9ight appear to be a 'iable option as 8ell& * wouldn!t lea'e?but * #oul( see thinking about it& Wol!e 8rote" HWhate'er ru9or 9ay say5 the !ault 8as entirely 9ine& *t 8as 9y =ob to #o99uni#ate 8ith the stu(ents& * trie( to5 but * !aile(&H :e is bearing too 9u#h o! the bur(en on his shoul(ers& Like 9y high s#hool tea#her5 he taught his 9aterial in a 8ay he kne8 8orke(5 not in a 8ay that 8as #o9!ortable !or his stu(ents& Stu(ents are not passi'e 'essels> they ha'e to 9eet their tea#hers hal!8ay& *t (oesn't soun( like these stu(ents 9a(e 9u#h o! an e!!ort& *! this is their 3(yssey5 they're stu#k eating lotuses5 pre!erring a pleasant !i#tion to the har(er roa( o! 8riting?an( (e!en(ing their 8riting? in the real 8orl(&

Author! Whining

0&arch 22' 23395

Sin#e * see9 to be 8riting about things 8riteres@ue the last #ouple o! (ays5 allo8 9e to #o99ent on Salon's lea( story to(ay5 in 8hi#h a book 8riter (etails ho8 publishing has broken her heart5 an( has #ause( her to?bra#e yoursel!?get a (ay =ob& Dear Author" A85 shut up& Perhaps it's be#ause 9y !irst e4posure to the !i#tion 9arket 8as a genre 9arket Ai&e&5 generally not a 8hole lot o! 9oney to thro8 aroun(B5 or that 9y intro(u#tion to the book 8orl( 8as in!or9ational non-!i#tion Asee abo'eB5 or 9aybe it's be#ause5 * (on't kno85 * think * 8oul( go insane i! * put all 9y 8riting in#o9e eggs into one basket& +ut the point o! !a#t is5 I never e.pect to support myself from writing boo"s alone( * =ust (on't& * lo'e 8riting books5 !i#tion an( non-!i#tion both5 an( * 8ant to (o it the rest o! 9y li!e& +ut gi'en the a9ount *''e 9a(e !ro9 9y books so !ar?an( * ha'e sol( si45 so * !igure *'9 o!!i#ially not a no'i#e author any9ore5 e'en i! it is still reasonably early in 9y #areer A* hopeB?*'( be a !ool to gi'e up 9y 'arious rather 9ore regular 8riting gigs Ai&e&5 9y (ay =obsB5 8hi#h allo8 9e a 9ore #onsistent in#o9e& That in#o9e pays 9y 9ortgage an( 9y bills an( allo8s 9e not to !reak out about 8hat the hell *'9 going to (o i! 9y ne4t book (oesn't sell to a publisher& *! 9y ne4t book (oesn't sell to a publisher * still get to eat an( ha'e ele#tri#ity& That's not ba(& The arti#le also re'eals the pre#iousness that so9e o! the author #lan see9s to ha'e regar(ing =obs not in'ol'ing 8riting books& learly this 8riter sees a (ay =ob as the 9ark o! !ailure5 an i(ea that 8ill #o9e as a 9il(ly o!!ensi'e surprise to the thousan(s o! authors 8ho see the9sel'es as su##ess!ul an( yet also 9anage to hol( (o8n a (ay =ob as 8ell& Yes5 9aybe authors (on't like the i(ea that they 9ight nee( to hol( (o8n t8o =obs5 but * (on't ha'e ti9e !or that sort o! stupi( thinking& 6y 9other #onsistently hel( (o8n t8o really #rappy =obs !or 9ost o! 9y #hil(hoo(?one #leaning the houses o! other people an( the other 'arying (epen(ing on ti9e an( #ir#u9stan#e5 but generally shitty regar(less?an( all she got out o! it 8as a !e8 bags o! gro#eries at the en( o! the 8eek an( the kno8le(ge she'( !e( an( #lothe( her ki(s on#e again& :o8 horrible !or 8riters

that they 9ight ha'e to #onsi(er lowering the9sel'es like that 8hen all they get out o! it is a publishe( boo"& Arti#les like this =ust enrage the hell out o! 9e an( 9ake 9e think that 9y tribe is populate( by =erks 8ith a sense o! entitle9ent the si$e o! a hot air balloon Aan( as sub=e#t to the ran(o9 8in(sB& Are authors as a #lass this (is#onne#te( !ro9 the real 8orl(J 6y personal e4perien#e tells 9e no5 but then again 9ost o! the 8riters * kno8 are genre 8riters5 8ho (espite their !an#i!ul sub=e#t 9atter see9 to be groun(e( in the realities o! the e#ono9i#s o! 8riting books& * (oubt this 8o9an 8rites s#ien#e !i#tion or ro9an#e& 3! #ourse the arti#le is also running in Salon5 8hi#h has a history o! #hroni#ling the H9is!ortunesH o! un!atho9ably pri'ilege( people 8ho by all rights shoul( be beaten in a publi# s@uare !or their hee(less la#k o! #lue& This arti#le is right up that parti#ular alley5 a !ar-!lung re9in(er that Salon's sta!! an( #ontributor list o! o'er!e( liberal t8its are still li'ing in a ,/// 9in(set in 8hi#h #le'er people are gi'en stupi( su9s o! 9oney !or no espe#ially goo( reason5 an( are sho#ke( beyon( belie! at the prospe#t o! a 8orl( that is not5 in !a#t5 their personal teat5 en(lessly alternating bet8een ski9 lattes an( Diet okes& * do !eel sorry !or this author5 but not the 8ay *'9 suppose( to& *'9 9ostly e9barrasse( !or her that her cri de coeur #o9es o!! as the la9ent o! so9eone 8ho si9ply (oes not un(erstan( 8hy the 8orl( (oes not lo'e her an( gi'e her 9oney an( !a9e& *'9 #ertain that this 8as not her intent> * (o belie'e she's 8arning authors #o9ing up not to 9ake the 9istakes she has in assu9ing that 8riting is still 'alue(5 an( that the business o! 8riting Athat is to say5 the publishing 8orl( itsel!B #an still support the 8riter& To that en(5 * (isagree 8ith the !irst?people still lo'e to rea(?an( a9 neutral on the se#on(& Yes5 * 8oul( lo'e !or 9y book 8riting to support 9e an( 9y !a9ily& * in'ite any o! 9y publishers to 9ake that happen& * assu9e it ne'er 8ill& Para(o4i#ally5 this (oes not #hain 9e (o8n> * think it !rees 9e to 8rite 8hat * 8ant an( not 8orry about anything other than the 8riting itsel!& To put it another 8ay" +e#ause * a9 not o'erly 8orrie( about 9oney5 * got to 8rite a popular book on astrono9y Ano8 in its se#on( printing& Yay;B?a li!e goal !or 9e be#ause * lo'e astrono9y an( 8ant to help other people lo'e it as 9u#h as * (o& * also got to 8rite t8o no'els pretty 9u#h e4a#tly as * 8ante( to 8rite the9& They 9ay be goo( or they 9ay be ba( A8e'll seeB5 but * (i(n't ha'e to 8orry about anything other than 8riting books I!d 8ant to rea(& This is !ree(o9 as a 8riter& * (on't kno8 that *'( tra(e it&

Co"er Letter!

0&ay 48' 23395

)(itor Teresa Nielsen :ay(en has unsheathe( her 9ighty :a99er o! )(itorial Wha#kination an( is applying it liberally to one To(( %a9es Pier#e5 a 8riter an( )nglish pro!essor 8ho has issue( 8hat TN: belie'es Aan( * !or one #on#urB is so9e spe#ta#ularly ba( a('i#e on the topi# o! #o'er letters& A9ong the 'ery ba( a('i#e" Lie about your 8riting #re(its5 an( be sure to a##o9pany your sub9ission 8ith a phone #all& *! you're a 8riter or 8oul( like to be one5 * #o99en( you to TN:'s (isse#tion o! all that is truly stupi( about this a('i#e Aher posting also has a link to the ba( a('i#e in @uestion> it's at http"CCnielsenhay(en&#o9C9akinglightCar#hi'esC00.2,2&ht9lB& The reason you shoul( trust TN: on this an( not 6r& Pier#e is si9ple" TN: is one o! the people #o'er letters get sent to& :er husban( Patri#k #on#urs that Pier#e's a('i#e is ba( A8ith the i99ortal line" HThis is stupi(& * no8 ha'e stupi( all o'er 9e&HB an( as he's Senior )(itor o! Tor +ooks5 that's two 'eteran !ront-line #o'er letter rea(ers against one so9e8hat (elu(e( #o'er letter 8riter& TN:'s e'is#eration is #o9plete enough that *'ll not repli#ate her e!!orts here5 but * (o 8ant to #all out the one pie#e o! Ha('i#eH !ro9 Pier#e that * think is 8ell-near #ri9inally 8rong5 e4#erpte( belo8" Tip Four" Still 8orrie(J Ne'er publishe( anythingJ Lie a little& Yes5 lie& A #o'er letter is a persuasi'e (o#u9ent (esigne( to (o one thing" enti#e an e(itor or agent to rea( your 9anus#ript& Say 8hate'er you ha'e to5 8ithin reason5 to a##o9plish this& Nh5 no& First reason5 as TN: notes" There's this thing& *t's #alle( <oogle& *t allo8s an e(itor to !a#t-#he#k your ass in 10 se#on(s or less& No85 it's un(erstan(able that Pier#e 9ay not ha'e hear( o! it?this 8hole *nterWeb thingy is ne8-!angle( an( all?but be assure( that 8hate'er e(itor you're atte9pting to s#a9 has& Se#on( reason" *t assu9es e(itors are in#o9petent5 8hi#h?surprise;?by an( large they are not& *! you (on't think an e(itor kno8s all the 9a=or an( 9ost o! the 9inor 8riting a8ar(s appli#able to his or her genre5 you're an i(iot& :ere's 8hat's going to happen i! * sub9it a 9anus#ript to a s#ien#e !i#tion house an( note on 9y #o'er letter

that * a9 the re#ipient o! the prestigious Willia9 +ooth A8ar( !or S#ien#e Fi#tion Writing5 8hi#h (oesn't e4ist& First5 the e(itor is going to say5 I don!t "now this award& Then there's the @ui#k <oogle!est to #on!ir9 the Willia9 +ooth A8ar( has been pulle( out o! 9y ass& An( then there's the soun( o! 9y 9anus#ript getting plonke(5 be#ause 8hy 8oul( an e(itor 8ant to 8ork 8ith so9eone 8hose 'ery !irst #o99uni#ation 8as !ull o! lies& Thir( reason" *t's (isrespe#t!ul& *n this parti#ular #ase5 8hat you're saying to an e(itor is you!re stupid enough to fall for this5 an( #on'ersely I!m clever enough to pull this off& You're probably 8rong5 an( i! you're right5 you 8on't be right !ore'er& Fea( TN:'s #o99ent threa(s an( you'll note that literary types an( the people aroun( the9 (on't nee( 9u#h o! an e4#use to pull out their kni'es& Also5 o! #ourse5 an( apropos to point nu9ber eight here5 people never !orget people 8ho (isrespe#t the9& Lie to an e(itor5 an( !or the rest o! their li!e5 any ti9e your na9e pops up in their #ons#iousness5 it #o9es 8ith a sti#ky note atta#he(5 one that says Big Fat )iar& Also5 it's a s9all business& Wor( gets aroun(& As !or the H9ake a phone #all5H let 9e tell you a story& When * 8as an e(itor5 * spe#i!ie( no phone #alls& So on the rare o##asion that so9eone did #all to !ollo8 up5 8hat * 8oul( (o is #hat 8ith the9 a9iably an( then 8hen * 8as o!! the phone * 8oul( go an( !in( their sub9ission an( stu!! it into the SAS) an( sen( it ba#k unrea(& +e#ause they failed& You 9ust !ollo8 (ire#tions& That's 8hy they're called H(ire#tions&H * ha( an( 9ost e(itors ha'e hun(re(s o! sub9issions !ro9 people 8ho have !ollo8e( (ire#tions& *ll o! the9 (eser'e 9ore #onsi(eration than so9eone 8ho #an't or 8on't& +oth o! these e4a9ples o! Ha('i#eH go to the heart o! 8hy 9u#h o! Pier#e's a('i#e is rotten" it's not a#tual a('i#e5 it's a list o! tri#ks (esigne( to ga9e the syste9?to #heat your 8ay through& Well5 as a 8riter5 here's the thing to kno8 about the e(itorial sub9ission syste9" It!s not designed for you( *t's (esigne( !or the e(itors5 to 9ake their =obs easier& *s it !airJ No5 but so 8hatJ The e(itors are the gate8ays to 9oney an( publi#ation& *t's their ball5 bat an( !iel(& They set the rules5 an( i! you 8ant to play5 you ha'e to play by their rules& *t's si9ple& )'ery atte9pt you 9ake to ga9e the syste9 9akes the e(itor's =ob har(er& *n the entire history o! the 8orl(5 no one has e'er 8ante( to 8ork 8ith so9eone 8ho 9akes their =ob har(er& So9eti9es they will5 i! the re8ar( is substantial enough& +ut in the #ase o! 8riting5 you gotta re9e9ber" *t's a buyer's 9arket& Sure5 you're brilliant& +ut there's a guy o'er here 8ho is brilliant and 8ho (oesn't 9ake the e(itor's =ob har(er& <uess 8hi#h one the e(itor is going to go 8ith& :ere's ho8 * 8oul( 8rite a #o'er letter !or a 9anus#ript& Assu9e5 please5 that usual a((resses an( #onta#t in!or9ation are atta#he(5 an( that * ha'e (one the resear#h to kno8 the na9e o! the e(itor an( the sub9ission poli#y A8hi#h in this #ase 8e #an assu9e has sai( to sen( the entire 9anus#riptB" Dear W)(itor's Na9eX" :i there& *'9 %ohn S#al$i& )n#lose( you'll !in( the 9anus#ript !or Wna9e o! bookX5 a no'el& *t is appro4i9ately /25000 8or(s& *''e also in#lu(e( a #hapter synopsis& *'9 a !ull-ti9e 8riter an( author o! !i#tion an( non-!i#tion books& 6y 9ost re#ent no'els are 3l( 6an's War ATor +ooks5 200.B an( The An(roi('s Drea9 ATor5 2000B& *''e en#lose( an SAS) !or your #o99ents& Please !eel !ree to re#y#le the

9anus#ript& +est5 %ohn S#al$i EEE An( that's pretty 9u#h it& *'9 a big belie'er that the #o'er letter e4ists to present 9ini9al !a#tual in!or9ation that (oesn't go out o! its 8ay to pre=u(i#e the rea(er #on#erning the a#tual 9anus#ript& *t says 8ho * a95 8hat *''e sent5 9y rele'ant tra#k re#or(5 an( ho8 to get hol( o! 9e& That's all it nee(s to (o& What i! * (i(n't ha'e pre'ious publi#ationJ * i9agine *'( say Hthis is 9y !irst no'elH an( be (one 8ith it& Lying 8on't (o 9e any goo( Asee abo'eB an( i! it does turn out to be goo( enough to be publishe(5 8oul(n't * be #o'ere( in the glory o! hitting one out o! the park the 'ery !irst ti9eJ There's no sha9e in a(9itting you're starting out& Don't lie& Don't be tri#ksy& An( !or <o('s sake (on't 9ake an e(itor's =ob har(er& +e #on!i(ent that your 8riting stan(s on its o8n 9erits& Nlti9ately5 i! you lie in your #o'er letter5 8hat you're really saying is that 8hat you''e 8ritten isn't goo( enough to 9ake it on its o8n& *t's a ba( 9essage to sen( to e(itors& *t's a ba( 9essage to sen( to yoursel!&

A Little Li1el

0June 29' 23395

To(( Pier#e5 the le9son pro!essor * 8rote about last 9onth5 an( 8ho pro'i(e( spe#ta#ularly ba( a('i#e to 8riters5 has stu#k his !oot in it again5 an( in an interesting !ashion& As a pre!a#e5 kno8 that Tor e(itor Teresa Nielsen :ay(en sa'age( Pier#e's Ha('i#eH on her personal site5 parti#ularly his a('i#e to ne8 8riters to lie about their pro!essional #re(its on #o'er letters Ahe's sin#e a9en(e( it5 but the unre(a#te( 'ersion is a'ailable online in <oogle-#a#he( !or9B5 an( then in a separate entry 8on(ere( i! 6r& Pier#e ha( not taken his o8n a('i#e 8ith his pro!essional #re(entials& TN:'s #ro8( o! enthusiasti# a(9irers ran 8ith the ball5 9aking !un o! 6r& Pier#e all (o8n the #o99ent threa(& The threa( lay (or9ant !or a 9onth or so until yester(ay5 8hen 6r& Pier#e sho8e( up5 rea( the a##u9ulate( posts5 8as appalle( that e'eryone 8as so mean to hi9 an( then pro9ptly threatene( TN: 8ith a libel suit& What !ollo8s !ro9 there isn't pretty5 9ostly people Ain#lu(ing 9ysel!B trying to e4plain to 6r& Pier#e that people saying 9ean things about you (oes not a#tually e@uate to libel in the Nnite( States?it is !a9ously tough to pro'e libel in the NS5 !or reasons relating to that pesky First A9en(9ent o! ours?an( suggesting to 6r& Pier#e that i! one (oes not 8ish to ha'e one's publishing #re(entials openly @uestione(5 perhaps one ought not be on re#or( a('ising others to lie about their #re(entials& A!ter all5 8hen I gi'e people 8riting a('i#e5 I ten( to base it upon 8hat has 8orke( !or 9e in the past5 an( * suspe#t 9ost other 8riters (o the sa9e& * belie'e 8e 9ay ha'e talke( 6r& Pier#e (o8n !ro9 !iling a libel suit5 but gi'en his #o99ents in the threa(5 * still suspe#t 6r& Pier#e isn't entirely #lear 8hy other people in the threa( (on't see9 to support his position that he's the 'i#ti9 here& This is o! #ourse his o8n kar9a5 an( 8hile in so9e respe#ts * sy9pathi$e 8ith the 9an?one suspe#ts this is his !irst e4posure to a #o99ent threa( pile-on5 in 8hi#h enthusiasts o! a person's blog !or9 a line behin( the blogger to get their ki#ks in5 an( TN:'s enthusiasts are both s9arter an( 9eaner than the a'erage blogger's?in other respe#ts * really (on't sy9pathi$e at all& Fun(a9entally5 he (oesn't see9 to get 8hy 8orking 8riters an( e(itors are o!!en(e( an( appalle( at the suggestion that one ought to lie about one's #re(entials to get 8ork& An( 8hile * a(9it that it's probably 9ore satisfying to posit the

e4isten#e o! a sinister #abal bent on (estroying one's #areer than to a#tually e4a9ine the root #ause o! these !olks' agitation Ai&e&5 one's o8n really ba( Ha('i#eH to 8ritersB5 in the en( 6r& Pier#e 8oul( be better o!! (oing the latter& Also5 !ro9 a purely rhetori#al point o! 'ie85 6r& Pier#e argues poorly" he 9akes easily re!utable state9ents o! so9e !a#ts5 (oes not see9 in #o99an( o! other !a#ts A!or e4a9ple5 he #on!uses slan(er 8ith libel5 8hi#h is not an en#ouraging thing 8hen one is threatening a suit base( on one or the otherB5 an( tries to use e9otional appeals to support 8hat he !eels are !a#ts Ae&g&5 he !eels that 8hat TN: has (one to hi9 is 8rong5 there!ore it shoul( be #lear that she has #o99itte( libelB& :e gets thrashe(5 an( none too kin(ly& Again5 it's easy to !eel sorry !or the guy& +ut then again5 it's not like he's so9e ,.-year-ol( #o99ent boar( geek o'er his hea( in his !irst !la9e 8ar> he is a pro!essor o! )nglish at a 9a=or uni'ersity& :e ought to be able to argue #learly an( !or <o('s sake kno8 the (i!!eren#e bet8een slan(er an( libel& No85 asi(e !ro9 6r& Pier#e's beat(o8n5 he (oes bring up an interesting @uestion" 8hen can so9eone say he's been libele(J A!ter all5 6r& Pier#e (oes belie'e he's been libele( Aor slan(ere(5 8hi#h apparently to his 9in( is the sa9e thingB& :e hasn't been5 but 8hen #oul( one say one isJ +ear in 9in( 8ith 8hat !ollo8s that * a9 not a la8yer& :o8e'er5 * ha'e been a 8riter !or ne8spapers an( 9aga$ines !or years5 an( as an e(itor * ha( to keep an eye out !or potentially libelous 9aterial& *n short5 * ha'e a reasonably goo( grip on 8hat #onstitutes libel& No8 then" Let's say that one (ay *'9 8on(ering aroun( the Web5 like you (o5 an( * #o9e a#ross the !ollo8ing ti(bit on so9eone's blog" %ohn S#al$i is a #ra#k-s9oking #at so(o9i$er& *t's true& *''e seen the pi#tures& Naturally5 * a9 outrage(& :o8 (are so9eone suggest * so(o9i$e 9y #at 8hile s9oking #ra#k; *t's ti9e to la8yer up; 3r is itJ There are @uestions to ask" ,& Is it trueJ * 9ean5 i! * a#tually do so(o9i$e 9y #at an( s9oke #ra#k5 then * ha'e no groun(s to #lai9 libel& * probably 8oul(n't 8ant people to "now about 9y !eline'iolating5 (rug-hu!!ing pre(ile#tions5 be#ause it 8ill 9ake !or a lot o! a8k8ar( #on'ersational pauses at parties an( 8oul( probably keep 9e !ro9 being #on!ir9e( by the Senate !or any really interesting go'ern9ent posts& +ut i! in !a#t * (o those things5 * ha'e no re#ourse& +ut let's say that in(ee(5 9y urine runs #lean an( 9y #at runs 8ithout se4ually-originate( hip (ysplasia& Ne4t @uestion" *s 9y a##user a8are that he's sprea(ing untruthsJ *! in !a#t * (on't so(o9i$e 9y #at or s9oke #ra#k5 #learly there are no a#tual pi#tures o! 9e (oing either& *! 9y a##user hasn't a#tually seen the pi#tures but says he has5 8e''e #leare( another hur(le !or libel& 3n the other han(5 i! !or so9e reason so9eone has gotten #reati'e 8ith Photoshop an( ginne( up !ake pi#tures o! 9e5 9y #at an( a #ra#k pipe5 an( then 9y a##user sees the9 an( belie'es the9 to be real5 then although he's wrong he probably hasn't #o99itte( libel Ai! he #reate( the pi#tures an( purports the9 to be real5 then 8e're ba#k into libel #ountryB& *s 9y a##user's intent 9ali#iousJ *! 9y a##user is a 9e9ber o! P)TA an( has been sho#ke( by the !ake( Photoshop pi#tures o! 9e #ornholing 9y #at5 then one 9ight reasonably argue that he's a##use( 9e out o! genuine #on#ern !or the poor !eline 8ho is the ob=e#t o! 9y un8ante( attentions& That's not libel& 3n the other han(5 i! the a##user hates 9y !riggin' guts an( 8ants nothing 9ore than !or 9e to (ie bastar( (ie5

then libel is ba#k in business& learly5 it 8oul( be goo( !or 9e i! the NFL this a##usation resi(es at is so9ething like 888&s#al$isu#ks&#o9& 7& :a'e * been 9aterially a!!e#te( by the a##usationJ *! so9eone says *'9 an enthusiasti# ra'isher o! ani9als5 an( yet 9y 8i!e stays 8ith 9e5 9y !a9ily an( !rien(s shrug it o!! an( 9y e9ployers #halk it up to the Web being the Web5 then * (on't ha'e 9u#h o! a #ase& +ut5 i! * 8as about to sign a #ontra#t on a book on #ats5 an( the publisher res#in(e( the o!!er on the basis o! the ru9or * lo'e #ats too 9u#h5 an( a #on#ern that the #ats * (on't penetrate *'ll sell !or (rugs5 then yes5 * ha'e a #ase& * also probably ha'e a #ase i! 9y 8i!e lea'es5 9y ki( is pi#ke( up by hil( Prote#ti'e Ser'i#es an( all 9y !rien(s stop returning 9y phone #alls& Note that !or a really goo( libel #ase5 all o! these ha'e to be in e!!e#t& An( that's !or private in(i'i(uals?8hi#h is to say5 nor9al people 8ith nor9al li'es& *! !or so9e reason *'9 =u(ge( to be a publi# !igure Asay5 (ue to 9y e.tremely lo8-bore #elebrity 'ia the Web an( 9y publishe( 8orkB5 then * ha'e !e8er libel prote#tions& Note also that i! the in!or9ation is e4presse( as opinion Ai&e&5 H* belie'e %ohn S#al$i so(o9i$es #ats an( s9okes #ra#k& *''e hear( ru9ors o! photos that sho8 thisHB5 *'9 out o! lu#k& *'9 also out o! lu#k i! the language use( is Hheate(H AH<o((a9n 9other!u#king %ohn S#al$i likes to poke his !u#king #at 8ith his tiny little 9eat an( then sho'e a #ra#k ro#k the si$e o! a !u#kin' rat into his #rappy tin!oil pipe an( su#k on it like a :oo'er on the o'erloa( settingHB or i! the 8ork is satire AHS#al$i the ra#k S9oking at Oiolator" A 6usi#al Play in Three A#tsHB& An( 8hat (o * get !or it being so har( to pro'e * 8as 8ronge(J Well5 here in the NS 8e ha'e really e4#ellent !ree(o9 to say 8hat 8e 8ant 8ithout 8orrying that opening our 9ouths to e4press an opinion 8ill get us haule( into #ourt?or into =ail& Let's also note5 by the 8ay5 that stri#ter libel la8s (on't a#tually 9ean that less libel happens> the Nnite( Iing(o9 has !ar stri#ter libel la8s than the NS but the NI press is =ust vile 8hen it #o9es to ru9ors& <i'en a #hoi#e5 *'ll personally take a little less prote#tion against libel !or a little 9ore prote#tion o! !ree spee#h& For the re#or(" * (on't s9oke #ra#k an( * (on't 'iolate 9y #at5 an( no pi#tures e4ist o! 9e (oing either& Although i! so9eone 8ho9ps up so9ething in Photoshop5 be sure to sen( 9e a #opy& * #oul( use a laugh&

I' +olly(oo

0July 23' 23395

3'er on his =ournal5 s#ien#e !i#tion 8riter +ill Shunn has got hi9sel! 8orke( up on prin#iple o'er the I' #obot 9o'ie5 8hi#h is base( on the *saa# Asi9o' book o! the sa9e na9e roughly in the 8ay a store-bran( grape so(a is base( on an a#tual grape& Shunn is personally boy#otting the !il9 an( thinks you shoul( too5 although 8ith *5 #obot pulling (o8n a K.2 9illion opening 8eeken(5 his boy#ott 8ill ha'e to play as a 9oral 'i#tory rather than an e#ono9i# one& * respe#t Shunn's position Aan( like hi9 as a 8riter5 8hi#h is al8ays ni#e tooB5 but a9 not the prin#iple( purist he is& * 8ent an( sa8 the !il9 on !ri(ay5 an( * ha( @uite a bit o! !un 8ith it> it 8as put together 8ell A8hi#h 9eans it 9o'e( @ui#kly enough not to let one (8ell on plot holesB5 it looke( great5 an( it ha( =ust enough pathos in the !or9 o! the sel!-a8are robot to be a bit s9arter than the a'erage lou( su99er !il9& *n ter9s o! Will S9ith su99er SF !il9s5 it 8as not as goo( as &en in Blac"5 but better than &IB II5 Independence Day an( Ashu((erB %ild %ild %est& A9ong (ire#tor Ale4 Proyas' 8ork5 it's the least (istinguishe( that *''e seen A* ha'en't seen his /arage DaysB5 but gi'en the !il9 is a hit5 he's no8 got a #han#e to 9ake 9ore @uirky !il9s to re-establish his #re( 8ith the goth geeks& 3'erall5 * gi'e the !il9 a H+-&H :o8e'er5 as a longti9e pro!essional obser'er o! the !il9 in(ustry5 * also 8ent into the theater unbur(ene( by the illusion that the !il9 8oul( ha'e anything at all to (o 8ith *saa# Asi9o''s robot stories& This is a :olly8oo( 9otion pi#ture5 a!ter all> nothing is sa#re(5 least o! all original te4ts5 an( least o! all this parti#ular #ase5 sin#e to 9y un(erstan(ing the pro=e#t initially starte( as an unrelate( s#ien#e !i#tion story about robots5 onto 8hi#h the I' #obot bran( na9e 8as gra!te( as the rights to the property be#a9e a'ailable& *n other 8or(s5 this 8as a 'aguely #yni#al e4er#ise on the part o! the !il99akers5 at least as regar(s Asi9o''s 8ork& An(5 o! #ourse5 this is S3P !or :olly8oo(& Allo8 9e to put on 9y ponti!i#ating hat here an( tell you an ob'ious truth" :olly8oo( (oesn't #are about sour#e 9aterial& When a 9a=or 9o'ie stu(io buys a no'el Aor in this #ase5 a #olle#tion o! storiesB to a(apt into a !il95 it stops being 9aterial o! a !i4e( nature> it be#o9es su((enly !lui(5 an( you'll !in(

'ast #hunks o! the book sli(ing out5 getting rearrange( or si9ply being ignore( !or the e4pe(ien#ies o! the !il99akers an( the stu(io& Let 9e 9ake it e'en 9ore #lear" it is a rare book that 9akes it through the !il9 a(aptation pro#ess 8ithout great 'iolen#e being (one to it& An( this is not al8ays a ba( thing& * think so9e o! the 9ost su##ess!ul literary-to-!il9 trans!ers ha'e been ones in 8hi#h :olly8oo( (oes 8hat :olly8oo( (oes?substantially guts an( re8orks the sour#e 9aterial to a(apt it to the nee(s o! the !il99akers& The ob'ious e4a9ple here is Blade #unner5 8hi#h is o! #ourse a 9ightily re8orke( 'ersion o! Do *ndroids Dream of 1lectric Sheep$ by Philip I Di#k& *t's entirely possible a !il9e( 'ersion that is 9ore !aith!ul to the original no'el #oul( ha'e been 9a(e> on the other han(5 Blade #unner is e4#ellent& *t's a !air tra(e& AThis is not to suggest I' #obot5 the !il95 is on par 8ith Blade #unner& *t's not> as (i'ergent as Blade #unner is !ro9 1lectric Sheep5 it shares the book's pri9ary narrati'e the9es5 8hereas 9ostly 8hat I' #obot shares 8ith Asi9o''s 8ork is robots5 an( the use o! the Three La8s o! Foboti#s as a plot (e'i#e& +ut it is to say that in theory5 an( so9eti9es in pra#ti#e5 :olly8oo('s habit o! gutting sour#e 9aterial an( re8orking it is not inherently ba(&B on'ersely5 9o'ies 8hi#h !ollo8 their books to a greater or lesser (egree A#hanging #hunks here an( there but still sho8ing the re#ogni$able plot lines o! their literary progenitorsB are not ne#essarily (oing the books any !a'ors" :olly8oo( appropriation o! literary SF in this 8ay o!ten en(s pretty ba(ly5 an( the 'i(eo stores are littere( 8ith the 8re#kage to pro'e it" Dune( The 8uppet &asters( Starship Troopers5 8hi#h * 9ust #on!ess * en=oy personally but 8hi#h * kno8 :einlein !ans thro8 their han(s up in horror o'er Apoor :einlein has yet to ha'e a goo( !il9 9a(e !ro9 his 8orkB& An( let's not !orget Bicentennial &an5 as long as 8e're on the sub=e#t o! Asi9o'& There are books 8hi#h do 9ake the trans!er substantially un9oleste(?* think the a(aptation o! arl Sagan's Contact is a goo( e4a9ple?but they are rarer than not& * rea(ily grant that it's 'ery likely a 9o'ie 'ersion that 8as 9ore !aith!ul to Asi9o''s i(eas #oul( ha'e been 9a(e AShunn (ire#ts !olks to an unpro(u#e( s#reenplay5 8ritten by :arlan )llison an( Asi9o' hi9sel!B5 an( possibly should be 9a(e& +ut it 8asn't an( hasn't5 !or 8hate'er reasons& C!est la ,ollywood& *'9 not ne#essarily going to take it out on this 'ersion be#ause o! it5 espe#ially i! this 'ersion has the i9pri9atur o! the Asi9o' estate& An( in any e'ent5 I' #obot the book re9ains in its un9oleste( state5 an( as o! this 8riting is Q70 on the A9a$on&#o9 sales list5 a height * (oubt it5 no8 o'er a hal!#entury ol(5 8oul( ha'e a#hie'e( 8ithout :olly8oo('s unsubtle 'iolations& *! a ne8 generation o! rea(ers use this 9o'ie as an entry point to a##ess Asi9o' the 8riter an( other s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters5 8ell5 speaking as a s#ien#e !i#tion 8riter5 * #an li'e 8ith that&

Cele1rity 7ook!

0January 42' 233<5

No85 as long as 8e're on the sub=e#t o! 8riting5 let 9e ans8er a @uestion pose( in one o! the #o99ent threa(s5 8hi#h is" As a 8riter5 8hat is your perspe#ti'e on the sensationalist books that are release( an( =ust absolutely bought up by the tru#kloa( by the general publi#J ase in point& The A9ber Frey book that #a9e out last 8eek5 8here she's (o#u9enting her relationship 8ith S#ott Peterson& Anyone that (oesn't kno8 8ho that is5 hasn't ha( a tele'ision on5 rea( a ne8spaper5 or 'isite( a ne8s 8eb site in a O)FY long ti9e& Any8ay5 ho8 (oes that 9ake a publishe( author !eelJ So9eone 8ho has 8orke( years at their #ra!t to get publishe( an( re#ogni$e(5 an( yet this person is in it !or H,. 9inutesH an( gone& * reali$e publishers (on't #are about the #ontent as 9u#h as the earning potential& * 8as =ust #urious as to an author's perspe#ti'e& As a 8riter5 *'9 al9ost entirely un#on#erne( about it& To begin 8ith5 9ost o! the ti9e the books !olks like A9ber Frey 8rite Aor 9ore a##urately5 so9eone else 8rites so as not to 9ake the putati'e HauthorH look like a total i(iotB an( the ones * 8rite aren't really a((ressing the sa9e au(ien#e> it see9s really unlikely that there'( e'er be a ti9e 8hen so9eone is in the bookstore agoni$ing o'er ha'ing to #hoose either 4ld &an!s %ar or %itness? For the 8rosecution of Scott 8eterson& So * (on't really gnash 9y teeth 8ith ea#h sale5 thinking Hthat #oul( ha'e been my book&H *t 8oul(n't ha'e been 9y book& Nora Foberts or %ohn <risha95 on the other han(5 9ight be annoye(?the 8hole 9elo(ra9a o! the S#ott Petersen #ase is right up their respe#ti'e te4tual alleys& +ut you kno85 they're not e4a#tly hurting& Se#on(ly5 li!e is #apri#ious an( 8eir(5 an( there 8ill al8ays be so9eone 8ho (oes not see9 to (eser'e the !a9e an( 8ealth thro8n at the9& A9ber Frey's great #lai9 to !a9e is being hu#kstere( by S#ott Peterson into ha'ing an a!!air& *s this a !ir9 !oun(ation upon 8hi#h to buil( a lasting #areer in the publi# eyeJ No5 but it'll do5 an( to be !latly honest about it5 so9eone 8oul( ha'e 8ritten up a luri( tell-all about Frey's relationship anyway5 so 8hy shouldn!t she get the 9oney !or itJ * 9ean5 *'( rather she get the pay(ay !or her trouble than so9e ha#k spinning out the tale !ro9 ne8spaper

#lippings an( #ourt trans#ripts& Soon it'll all be o'er !or 6s& Frey5 an( she'll go ba#k to (oing 8hate'er it is she (oes 8hen she's not kno8n !or being a 9ur(erer's 9oll& :ope!ully5 she'll 9anage her 9oney 8ell& 6s& Frey's !ortunes?or the !ortunes o! any person 8ho su((enly erupts out o! no8here5 9akes a bun(le o! #ash !or (ubious reasons5 an( then returns to obs#urity as @ui#kly as they arri'e(?a!!e#t 9e not in the least& The !a#t that she #an get a book (eal 8ith a snap o! her !ingers 8hile other people toil !or years to (o the sa9e is 9onstrously un!air5 but there are so 9any other things in the 8orl( that are 9onstrously un!air?an( o! genuine #onse@uen#e?that this one e4a9ple o! un!airness is @uaint by #o9parison& *! other people 8ant to be bothere( by it5 they shoul( by all 9eans 8orry that 9ental s#ab until their irritation is assuage(& +ut (on't see 8hy * 8oul( 8ant to bother&

Sy$pathy for the ,u1lici!t

0June ?' 233<5

3ne pie#e o! a('i#e * like to gi'e ne8 authors Ashoul( they ask !or a('i#eB is that one shoul( al8ays5 al8ays be ni#e to one's publi#ist an( (o 8hat one #an to 9ake the publi#ist's li!e easier& There are t8o reasons !or this& The !irst is that?duh0that person is pro9oting your book5 an( i! you're a =erk to your publi#ist5 that's going to a!!e#t the !er'or 8ith 8hi#h they talk up your book to their 'arious pro9otional targets& Sin#e in a((ition to being a 8riter * a9 also a #riti# an( e4ist on the other si(e o! the publi#istCartist e@uation5 * kno8 8hereo! * speak> the publi#ists * kno8 8ill ne'er not a#t pro!essionally5 but !or all that you #an tell 8ho an( 8hat a publi#ist is e4#ite( about5 an( 8ho an( 8hat they are not& This is subsu9e( un(er the 8hole HDon't be an assH a('i#e gi'en else8here in the book& The se#on( is that the li!e o! a publi#ist has re9arkable 9o9ents o! personal trial& * sub9it to you this bit o! publi#ity sausage-9aking5 !ro9 the !loor o! the +ook)4po A9eri#a in Ne8 York ity" 3n Fri(ay a!ternoon5 !our young publi#ists !ro9 Tor +ooks 8ere spotte( in a #orner trying to get one o! the95 6elissa +ro(er5 into an 2-!oot-tall hot-(og #ostu9e> it (i( ha'e an air pu9p so the 8earer #oul( breathe& They 8ere pro9oting H*n'asion o! the Foa( WeeniesH AStars#apeCTor +ooksB by Da'i( Lubar& Finally5 they $ippe( 6s& +ro(er up& Fiona Lee took her han(5 or pa85 or 8hate'er5 an( le( her a#ross the #on'ention !loor& HWoul( you like your photo taken 8ith a giant 8eenieJH 6s& Lee aske(5 o'er an( o'er again& %ould you li"e your photo ta"en with a giant weenie$ Say it& No8& No5 say it out loud& No8 i9agine saying it o'er an( o'er an( o'er again5 to strangers an( passersby5 8hile you're hol(ing the han( o! a !ello8 publi#ist5 8ho is (resse( as a giant 8eenie& An( that's your =ob& 3ne (oes hope that Da'i( Lubar A8ho?as #oin#i(en#e 8oul( ha'e it?use( to 8rite hu9or arti#les !or 9e 8hen * 8as an e(itor5 an( goo( ones5 tooB appre#iates e'erything these publi#ists 8ere (oing !or hi95 an( sen(s the9 !lo8ers or so9ething& No85 as it happens5 Fiona Lee is also my publi#ist at Tor5 so * kno8 !ro9 personal

e4perien#e she ro#ks the publi#ity ga9e in a 9agni!i#ent 8ay& An( to her5 * 9ake the !ollo8ing sole9n 'o8" 6y (ear Fiona5 at no point in our hope!ully long an( !ruit!ul authorCpubli#ist relationship 8ill you e'er be re@uire( on 9y behal! to ask people to take pi#tures 8ith a giant 8eenie5 i! !or no other reason than * a9 a 9ere !i'e !eet5 se'en an( so9e-o(( in#hes tall5 an( a9 there!ore an a'erage-si$e( 8eenie at best& * also gi'e 9assi'e props to 6s& +ro(er5 8ho is not 9y publi#ist5 but by <o(5 being s8a((le( insi(e o! a !rank!urter 8oul( sen( me spiralling into a (eep e4istential #risis5 so * #an only presu9e she is a better an( 9entally stronger person than *& *n any e'ent5 authors" :a'e sy9pathy !or the publi#ist& *t's not an easy =ob5 in se'eral #riti#al senses o! the 8or( Heasy&H *'9 not saying you nee( to hug your publi#ist or anything?(epen(ing on the author an(Cor publi#ist5 this 9ight be a bit 9u#h& +ut a ni#e Hthanks !or the 8ork you (oH is al8ays in or(er& *n that spirit" Thanks5 Fiona& You're the best&

Writer! on Writer!' An It'! Not What You Think

0.cto1er 42' 233<5

Nor 8oul( you 8ant it to be& Writers ten( to be lu9py& T8o o! the9 togetherJ Yeeee#h& herie Priest A8ho5 !or the re#or(5 (oes not appear to be inappropriately lu9pyB notes an inherent 8ariness about 9eeting 8riters" * ten( to get along poorly 8ith other 8riters until * kno8 the9 8ell enough to kno8 that they are not the sort o! 8riters 8ho piss 9e o!!& This 9ay soun( un!air an( *'9 sure that it is5 but * auto9ati#ally assu9e that other 8riters are assholes an( that * (on't 8ant to 9eet the9& The sa!est 8ay to intro(u#e 9e to other 8riters is to preten( that *'9 a #at5 being intro(u#e( to another #at in #lose @uarters& Stan( ba#k& <et the 8ater hose rea(y in #ase o! e9ergen#y& Do not e4pe#t the intro(u#tion to go 'ery 8ell5 an( !urther9ore5 be (elighte( i! the en#ounter en(s 8ithout bloo( loss& * !in( this a9using Aasi(e !ro9 the !a#t it's a9usingly 8rittenB be#ause 9y e4perien#e is the opposite> by an( large * !in( * get along =ust !ine 8ith other 8riters& +ut * also rea(ily a(9it that *''e spent al9ost no substantial ti9e in the presen#e o! 8riters 8ho 8ere not either already pro!essional 8riters5 or 8riting in a 9anner that subsu9es in(i'i(ual neuroses un(erneath a nee( to get so9ething in on a (ea(line Ai&e&5 #ollege ne8spaper stu!!B& Prior to selling a no'el5 none o! the people * 8oul( (ee9 as goo( !rien(s 8ere aspiring authors5 an( 9ost o! the people * kno8 on a (ay-to-(ay basis aren't 8riters either& *''e ne'er been a 8ork-shopper or 8riter's #ir#le type5 so * ne'er regularly #rosse( paths 8ith other aspiring authors 8hile * 8as one 9ysel!& The #losest * #a9e to any o! this 8as the single !i#tion 8riting #lass * took 8hen * 8as a !resh9an at the N o! 5 8hi#h ser'e( largely to establish that *'9 not a H8riting #lassH sort o! person& 3n#e * le!t #ollege5 * kne8 plenty o! 8riters5 but they 8ere all =ournalists5 8hi#h 9eans Aby an( largeB that they approa#h 8riting as a =ob5 8ith (aily per!or9an#e e4pe#tations ?i&e&5 (ea(lines an( 8hat ha'e you& *n short5 !or the 'ast 9a=ority o! 9y 8orking li!e *''e been isolate( !ro9 the type o! H8riterH 8ho sees 8riting as a holy #alling5 an( ha'e instea( been e4pose( to the type

o! 8riter 8ho sees it as their job5 either as a =ournalist or as a 8orking 8riter 8ho relies on pay #opy to pay the rent& These people?regar(less o! the type or style o! 8riting they 9ay engage in?ten( to be !airly pra#ti#al people 8hen it #o9es to the HartH o! 8riting> they talk shop the 8ay 9e#hani#s talk shop5 not the 8ay theologians (o Aor are i9agine( to5 any8ayB& Allo8ing !or the general 'ariation o! hu9an personalities A8hi#h is to say5 so9e people are =ust assholes no 9atter what they (o !or li'ingB5 * ha'e to say that on a'erage *''e like( the 8orking 8riters *''e 9et& )'en i! 8e (on't share e4a#tly the sa9e 8orl('ie85 8e ha'e a #o99onality o! pra#ti#al e4perien#e that gi'es us so9ething to 8ork 8ith5 at least until 8e all (e#i(e 8e're bore( 8ith talking about 8riting an( go o!! !ro9 there& * (on't think *''e 9et a 8orking 8riter 8ho (oes 'o9it on en(lessly about the holy 9ission o! 8riting an( ho8 it is an e4pression o! their soul an( so on5 possibly be#ause that sort o! thing e'entually takes a ba#k seat to paying the ele#tri# bill5 an( possibly be#ause i! a 8riter is (oing the Hsho8 (on't tellH thing like they're supposed to (o in the !irst pla#e5 they (on't need to blather on about it> it's there in the 8riting5 or shoul( be& * (on't kno8 8hat * 8oul( (o i! so9eone 8as blathering on to 9e about the holy 9ission o! 8riting5 a#tually& * guess to a9use 9ysel! *'( pi#ture the9 in their un(er8ear5 #o'ere( in bloo(-su#king lee#hes5 turning po8(er blue as they slo8ly (eo4ygenate& Yes5 yes& That is an i9age 8hi#h 8ill (o @uite ni#ely& * think it also helps to 9eet the right 8riters5 !rankly& At 9y !irst s#ien#e !i#tion #on'ention5 * kne8 not a (a9n person5 so Patri#k Nielsen :ay(en basi#ally appointe( ory Do#toro8 as 9y H#on bu((yH an( ory (i( 9e a 9it$'ah by intro(u#ing 9e to a bun#h o! s8ell !olks 8ho also happene( to be 8riters5 9any o! 8ho9 ha'e sin#e be#o9e goo( !rien(s& These 8riters are si9ply goo( people?they're happy !or their !rien(s' su##ess5 they're generous in their !rien(ship5 an( they ten( also to be a9using as hell& <oo( role 9o(els !or any bu((ing 8riter& Ne4t ti9e you see 9e5 ha'e 9e intro(u#e you to so9e o! the9& You'll like the9& 3r there's so9ething 8rong 8ith you& Yeah5 sorry about that&

What ,a!!e! For an .nline Literary Feu The!e %ay!

0.cto1er 49' 233<5

An entry at the <alley#at Web site about 9y an( herie Priest's re#ent obser'ations about 8riters Aentitle( HS#i-Fi Writers Saner M Ni#er5 Probably +etter Looking5H?8ell5 8e're ni#er5 any8ayB5 #lue( 9e in to the !a#t there's so9e re#ent online literary-es@ue unpleasantness in'ol'ing 8riters Ste'e Al9on( an( 6ark Sar'as& The throughline here is that Sar'as apparently bags on Al9on('s 8riting all the ti9e in his blog5 an( yet 8hen the t8o o! the9 8ere in the sa9e roo9 at the sa9e ti9e (uring a re#ent LA literary gathering5 neither o! the9 physi#ally beat on the other5 or e'en si9ply i99olate( in so9e sort o! bi$arre literary 9atterCanti-9atter e'ent that 8oul( ha'e taken out the entire o! Los Angeles' literati5 a trage(y !ro9 8hi#h it 8oul( ha'e taken the NS literary s#ene at least !i!teen 9inutes to re#o'er AA85 shut your hole& *'9 !ro9 LA5 (a9n you& * #an 9ake these =okesB& Al9on( 8rote about the e'ent5 or la#k thereo!5 in an astonishingly a8!ul pie#e that #oul( only ha'e run in that 9ias9i# hole o! sel!-regar( kno8n as Salon> Sar'as batte( ba#k in his literary blog& 3! the t8o o! the95 Sar'as #o9es o!! better5 as he's internali$e( the blog 8orl( response o! #ool an( be9use( in(i!!eren#e to #hara#ter assassination5 in#lu(ing the (elight in sho8ing o!! so9e o! the in'e#ti'e o! the person atta#king the9& As *'9 no stranger to su#h 9aneu'ers 9ysel!5 * appre#iate the per!or9an#e o! the !or9& +ut neither #o9es o!! #o'ere( in glory& *n this sort o! thing5 one rarely (oes& :o8e'er5 the true ba( a#tor here5 i! you ask 9e5 is Salon& *t a#tually paid Al9on( to 8rite his unholy e4a9ple o! #ongratulatory literary !arts9elling& *! the pie#e is genuinely in(i#ati'e o! Al9on('s personality5 it's no 8on(er Sar'as (i(n't bother to seek hi9 out5 sin#e he 9akes hi9sel! see9 terribly unpleasant to be 8ith or e'en near& Salon's e(itors shoul( ha'e taken Al9on( asi(e an( sai( to hi95 HNo85 you "now this 9akes you look an ass5 rightJH +e#ause i! they (i(n't5 they (i( the poor 9an a (isser'i#e& This is 8hat e(itors are suppose( to (o" #orre#t your gra99ar an( keep you !ro9 9aking an ass o! yoursel! in publi# Athe t8o are not 9utually e4#lusi'eB&

+ut then Salon see9s to 9ake a business out o! gi'ing 8riters enough rope to hang the9sel'es 8ith& The se'en 9ost (a9aging 8or(s in the )nglish language !or the reputation o! any no'elist 9ight 'ery 8ell be H* =ust 8rote an arti#le !or Salon&H *! it 8eren't !or the !a#t Salon's book se#tion is serialing ory Do#toro8's latest no'ella5 it 8oul( be al9ost entirely useless& Seriously5 people" Salon's book se#tion& *t's death5 in online 9aga$ine !or9& )nough sai(& Authors5 i! you must 8rite a pie#e in 8hi#h you assassinate the #hara#ter o! so9e other 8riter5 (on't take 9oney !or it& That's =ust i#ky> there's so9ething unspeakably unsee9ly about Al9on( ha'ing taken 9oney !or suggesting that so9e other 8riter 9ight spooge in his pants =ust through the a#t o! 9eeting hi9& *t #ertainly (oesn't 9ake you 8ant to han(le any #hange that Al9on( 9ight gi'e you& Feally5 no8" (o it on your blog& Nn9e(iate(5 ill-a('ise( gouts o! ego-sal'ing literary otherhating are 8hat blogs are for& An( then you get the !un o! a#tually #on(u#ting a 8riter's !eu( in your #o99ent threa(5 be#ause the #han#es o! the other 8riter not !in(ing out you''e 8ritten horrible things about the9 A'ia their (aily egosur! through <oogle an( Te#hnoratiB are sli9 approa#hing none& You get all o! the (ubious thrill o! slapping (o8n so9e other 8or(s9ith5 8ith none o! the reputational taint o! taking !ilthy lu#re !or 8hat is essentially an e4er#ise in (egra(ing yoursel!& 6in( you5 you shoul(n't be initiating an online literary ba(9outhing in the !irst pla#e& 3ther than #heap thrills5 it (oesn't (o anybo(y any goo(5 an( you (e'elop a reputation !or being so9ething o! a t8it Arespon(ing to a literary ba(-9outhing is !ine5 although re9e9ber the key to su##ess is bemused indifference5 at least in the initial response& Wait to bring out the kni'es until the ine'itable #o99ent threa( to !ollo8B& +etter than (ebasing yoursel! online is to sa'e that sort o! thing !or bar talk5 8here it #an e'entually settle into the se(i9ent o! literary gossip& *t's 9ore fun that 8ay& *n any e'ent5 * suspe#t it 8oul( lea( to a higher #han#e o! a physi#al alter#ation5 8hi#h is 8hat Al9on( see9s to ha'e been hoping !or5 any8ay& Although5 honestly5 8at#hing authors !ist!ight is like 8at#hing geese play %eopar(y& There's a lot o! honking an( s@ua8king but no one e'er gets to 8hat they're suppose( to be (oing& * (on't kno8& 6aybe it's =ust that no one kno8s ho8 to #on(u#t a real literary !eu( any9ore5 online or other8ise& *t's a sha9e5 that&

+o( Not to ,lagiarize

0%ece$1er 4' 233<5

*'9 rea(ing 8ith interest a story about 8riter +ra( Oi#e5 8ho 8on a literary a8ar( an( publishe( a #olle#tion o! short stories an( then ha( the !or9er re'oke( an( the press run o! the latter pulpe( 8hen so9eone noti#e( that5 hey5 there's a short story here that see9s at least partially 8ritten by another 8riter& Oi#e5 8ho is a pro!essor at 6ississippi State Nni'ersity5 sai( so9ething along the lines o! H8hoops5H #lai9e( 8hat he 8as really (oing in li!ting entire lines !ro9 another 8riter 8as an ho9age5 an( also #lai9e( to be #on!use( about that 8hole H!air useH thing& 6ean8hile5 in(ustrious reporters ha'e noti#e( the in#reasingly-aptly na9e( 6r& Oi#e 9ay ha'e also li!te( lines !ro9 other pla#es as 8ell5 8hi#h #ertainly len(s #re(en#e to the 8hole Hshaky about !air useH thing5 but also suggests the !ello8 9ay be a serial plagiari$er& No85 an arti#le !ro9 6e(ia +istro says to 9e that li!ting =unk !ro9 other 8riters is so9e sort o! hot ne8 a#a(e9i# tren(?H*ssues o! interte4tuality5 e9be((e( narrati'es5 an( literary borro8ing an( ho9age 8ere 'ery 9u#h in the #riti#al air through the ,//0sH?8hi#h * suppose 9arks yet another (i!!eren#e bet8een a#a(e9ia an( the real 8orl(5 in that i! * hea'ily e4#erpte( te4t !ro95 say5 3la! Staple(on5 an( presente( it as original 9aterial in a no'el5 * suspe#t 9y e(itor Patri#k Nielsen :ay(en 8oul( bring (o8n a big !at #u(gel on 9y hea( long be!ore * 8oul( ha'e to 9ake up so9e la9e H*t's an ho9age;H e4#use an( Tor be#a9e oblige( to pulp an entire print run o! a book& 3ut here in the 8il(5 #lai9s o! 8anton interte4tuality gone a9u#k pale in the !a#e o! the e#ono9i# #ost o! a 9a=or s#re8up& AAlso5 #o9e on5 let's get real" ho9age is one thing an( Plagiaris9 is another5 an( so9eone 8ho 9akes his #ash as a pro!essor o! )nglish at a 9a=or state uni'ersity (a9n 8ell ought to kno8 the (i!!eren#e?an( kno8 8hat's a##eptable H!air useH to boot& *! that's not a#tually in the =ob (es#ription !or an )nglish pro!essor5 it shoul( be& An( he#k5 Oi#e is the a('isor to the 6SN's )nglish honor so#iety; 3h5 the sha9e& For its part 6SN laun#he( an in'estigation into Oi#e's li!ting issues5 8hi#h suggests tenure is not so9ething he shoul( hope !or at this point&B +eing as * a9 so9eone 8ho rippe( o!! Fobert :einlein 8ith 8il( aban(on !or 4ld

&an!s %ar5 *'9 the 'ery last person 8ho shoul( suggest ho9age is not a legiti9ate literary te#hni@ue& :o8e'er5 * 8oul( note that in 9y #ase * (i( t8o things 8hi#h * think are o! #riti#al i9portan#e" 3ne5 * (i(n't a#tually #ut an( paste :einlein's 8or(s into 9y 9anus#ript5 an( t8o5 *''e been al9ost gaggingly up!ront about 8hat *''e been (oing& * thanke( :einlein in 9y a#kno8le(g9ents5 !or <o('s sake& *t beats (elu(ing 9ysel! that no one 8oul( e'er #at#h on to 8hat * 8as (oing& As a 9atter o! re#or(5 * (i( it again in The /host Brigades5 8here * !oun( t8o i(eas o! !ello8 SF 8riters #o9pelling enough to play o!! o! the9& 3ne o! the 8riters 8as Ni#k Sagan5 8hose i(eas about #ons#iousness trans!eren#e in 1denborn 8ere right in line 8ith 8hat * nee(e( !or T<+& Another 8as S#ott Wester!el(> the brie! spa#e battle on pages ,,/-,2, o! T<+ o8es @uite a bit to S#ott's =a8-(roppingly goo( e4ten(e( spa#e battle in The Ailling of %orlds Ahis is the e#ono9y-si$e( 'ersion5 8hile 9ine is the 9inus#ule tra'el-si$e( 'ersionB& *n both #ases * ga'e a hea('s up to the authors that * 8as going to play a ri!! o!! a the9e they establishe(5 an( o! #ourse * note( the ri!!s in the a#kno8le(g9ents se#tion o! the book5 listing the authors an( the books5 an( (es#ribing the9 as Hauthors !ro9 8ho9 *''e #ons#iously stolen&H +e#ause 8hy wouldn!t *J * (on't 8ant to hi(e 8hen * borro8> *'9 #o9!ortable enough 8ith 9y o8n 8riting skills that *'9 not threatene( by a#kno8le(ging ho8 9u#h 9y 8riting is in!luen#e( by 9y able #onte9poraries& 6ore to the point5 * want people to kno85 be#ause i! they like( 9y tip o! the hat5 they shoul( kno8 8here to !in( the inspirations& *! rea(ing The /host Brigades! a#kno8le(g9ents Aor in(ee(5 this 'ery bit o! 8riting hereB sen(s a !e8 9ore rea(ers to Ni#k an( S#ott5 ho8 #oul( * not be happy about thatJ They're both e4#ellent 8riters?* thie'e only !ro9 the best?an( (eser'e all the rea(ers they #an get& Also5 an( not insigni!i#antly5 it ino#ulates 9e !ro9 later a##usations o! i(ea poa#hing5 sin#e a guy 8ho han(s you an ite9i$e( list o! the people he's borro8ing !ro9 is #learly not 8orrie( about su#h a##usations& * plea( guilty5 an( hope you'll rea( these other e4#ellent 8riters5 too& *'9 not so sanguine about a#tual 8or( the!t5 9in( you> that spa#e battle * 9ention abo'e plays @uite a bit like a 9iniature 'ersion o! S#ott's5 but at least * type( all the 8or(s an( 8or( stru#ture9ents out o! 9y o8n brain rather than #ra#king open 9y #opy o! Ailling of %orlds an( trans#ribing !ro9 8hat lie therein& +ut * guess i! one 8ere going to (o that5 then one really shoul( a#kno8le(ge it5 shoul(n't oneJ +e#ause other8ise you en( up 8ith the situation Oi#e see9s to be in& A little tip !or you bu((ing Aan( in Oi#e's #ase5 not so bu((ingB 8riters5 8hi#h * en#ourage you to take !reely an( propagate 8i(ely" Nna#kno8le(ge( Hho9agesH are o!ten in(istinguishable !ro9 plagiaris9& Yes5 e'en 8hen e'eryone Hshoul(H kno8 the 8riter or the 8ork you're ho9agi!ying Ano5 that's not a real 8or(B& A si9ple YA state9ent at the en( a story AHThe author 8ishes to a#kno8le(ge Winsert other 8riter hereX5 8hose story Winsert story na9e hereX this pie#e ho9agi!ies in an a#a(e9i#ally appro'e( interte4tual sort o! 8ayHB 8ill probably sa'e a lot o! hearta#he an( print run pulping later& *t's a little early to e4pe#t ho9age or e'en si9ple the!t o! the books * 8rote5 but you kno85 i! so9eone 8ants to play the #hanges on an i(ea *''e ha( or a s#ene * 8rote5 groo'y& :a'e !un 8ith that& An( i! you 8ant to note it in the a#kno8le(g9ents o! your book5 e'en better& An( i! you 8ant to sen( 9e a ni#e gi!t basket 8ith an assort9ent o!

#heeses in it as a 8ay o! saying thank you5 8hy5 that 8oul( be best o! all&

January i! Literary Frau &onthB

0January 8' 233?5

*t looks like it's a shaping up to be a !ine 9onth !or literary !rau(5 as t8o so9e8hat pro9inent authors are a##use(5 in (i!!erent 8ays5 o! not being 8ho they say they are& The !irst is %a9es Frey5 8hose 9illions-selling a((i#tion 9e9oir * &illion )ittle 8ieces 9ay not be nearly as non!i#tional as he's suggeste(5 a##or(ing to The Smo"ing /un5 8hi#h in a long in'estigati'e pie#e #on#lu(es that Frey either a9pe( up or 9a(e up se'eral o! the e'ents in his 3prah's +ook lub-sele#te( to9e& The se#on( is H%T Leroy5H a young author 8hose tales o! #hil( prostitution an( (rug use 8ere all !i#tional5 8hi#h is goo( be#ause it no8 appears the author 9ay be entirely !i#tional as 8ell5 the #reation o! the #ouple 8ho #lai9 to ha'e !oun( hi9 as a strung out-teen an( helpe( 8hip hi9 into literary shape& When Leroy 9akes publi# appearan#es5 it's a#tually the sister o! the 9ale hal! o! the #ouple& The author Ai! he e4istsB has issue( a state9ent noting he uses stan(-ins be#ause o! personal issues5 but there are other things in the arti#le to suggest he's 'apor8are& * #oul( not personally #are less about 8hether %T Leroy turns out to be !i#tional or not& * !in( !i#tional people 8riting !i#tion no 9ore or less ob=e#tionable than real people 8riting !i#tion5 be#ause it's fiction5 a!ter all& This looks to be a slightly 9ore #on'olute( sort o! ghost8riting thing than the people 9aking the TO sho8 )ost 8ill be (oing in the spring 8hen they publish a no'el H8rittenH by H<ary Troupe5H a passenger on that sho8's ill-!ate( plane A* belie'e he 8as the one that got su#ke( into the engineB& Fake people 8riting !i#tion =ust a((s another le'el o! meta to the pro#ee(ings5 i! you ask 9e& * un(erstan( so9e people 8ho !eel personally in'este( in the author 8ill !eel a bit betraye( to learn he (oesn't e4ist& +ut you kno85 the ni#e thing is5 the boo"s still 8ork5 be#ause they're !i#tion& * ten( to be 'ery results-oriente( rather then pro#ess-oriente( 8hen it #o9es to !i#tion5 8hi#h is to say 8hat * #are about is 8hether the book is interesting5 not 8hether the author ha( to struggle up !ro9 (rug a((i#tion5 or le( a li!e o! gil(e( ease5 or 8as raise( by !errets or 8hat-ha'e-you& 6aybe 8hen * go ba#k !or 9y 6FA Aha;B *'ll #are about the #ir#u9stan#es o! the author an( pro(u#tion o! a book& *n the 9eanti9e5 really5 as long as the book is goo(5 *'9 goo(&

*'9 only barely 9ore engage( 8ith the %a9es Frey !ra#as5 possibly be#ause * ha'e a real antipathy to8ar( the a((i#tion 9e9oir genre5 8hi#h * !in( tireso9e an( sel!-pitying& Yes5 it's ni#e !or9er =unkies ha'e gotten both #atharsis an( a book (eal& Doesn't 9ean * ha'e to rea( the resulting book& *n(ee(5 * ha'e not rea( Frey's book> * !eel pretty strongly that i! you''e rea( one H*'9 a =a#kass =unkie 8ho abuses people5 'o9its on 9ysel!5 gets haule( into rehab an( #o9es out thank!ul *'9 still respiringH to9e5 you get e4#use( !ro9 the rest !or all ti9e5 an( *''e rea( one5 thank you 'ery 9u#h& AThis shoul( not be rea( as 9e saying * ha'e no sy9pathy !or people 8ho 8ere !or9erly a((i#te( 8ho ha'e turne( their li'es aroun(& * ha'e !rien(s an( !a9ily 8ho 8ere an( 8ho ha'e5 an( *'9 immensely prou( o! the9 !or ha'ing (one so& * =ust hope they (on't 8rite a book about it& *t's been done&B <i'en 9y la#k o! interest in the book an( antipathy !or the genre5 it's (i!!i#ult to rouse 9ysel! into #aring that the 9an (e!rau(e( 9illions o! a((i#tion 'oyeurs> in(ee( 9y !irst rea#tion rea(ing the story 8as H8ell5 he's sol( three 9illion& :e's set any8ay& <oo( !or hi9&H *t's sort o! the sa9e la#k o! sy9pathy *'( !eel !or people 8at#hing Ha9ateurH porn 8ho 9ight !eel 'iolate( that the people 9aking s@uishy noises there on their TO a#tually get pai( to (o it& Perhaps this 9akes 9e a ba( person& *'9 not sure5 nor sure i! * shoul( #are& * (o kno8 *'( rather 8at#h a9ateur porn than rea( an a((i#tion 9e9oir5 !or 8hat that's 8orth& :o8e'er5 let's also keep !o#us on the !a#t that i! The Smo"ing /un's arti#le is in(ee( !a#tually #orre#t Aan( the site's been pretty goo( at being !a#tually #orre#t so !ar as * kno8B5 then 6r& Frey is a lying liar 8ho lies5 an( his H9e9oir5H 8hate'er its literary @ualities5 is thereby a pie#e o! #rap& 3ne o! the things * !in( absolutely henious in the 'arious (is#ussions o! this in#i(ent *''e seen online is in'ariably there's so9eone 8ho sho8s up an( says so9ething i(ioti# like the HliteraryH truth o! the 9e9oir is 9ore i9portant than the HliteralH truth?i&e&5 it's okay to lie about e'ents in a non-!i#tion book i! it 9akes !or a better story& *n a 8or(" +ullshit& *! one purports to 8rite a non-!i#tion a##ount o! an e'ent5 one is5 by (e!inition5 en=oine( !ro9 8riting !i#tion& *! you 8rite !i#tion an( #lai9 it is non!i#tion5 you are a lying liar 8ho lies& Writing so9ething that H!eelsH true (oes not 9ake it true5 an( the !a#t that people 8ill #o9e !or8ar( to (e!en( HtruthinessH o'er truth!ulness in non-!i#tion 9akes 9e 8ant to go on a ra9page 8ith a sho'el& The toleran#e !or 8hat one wants to be the truth at the e4pense o! genuine truth is 8hy 8e #urrently ha'e a go'ern9ent 8hi#h is o! the opinion that truth looks e4a#tly like a urinal& *! you're going to 8rite !i#tion5 #all it !i#tion5 !or hrist's sake& People lo'e romans a clef =ust as 9u#h as a#tual 9e9oirs> in(ee(5 they !eel naughtier be#ause you kno8 the se4 s#enes are going to be better 8ritten& Writing non-!i#tion no'els only 8orks 8hen you are Tru9an apote5 or inter9ittently i! you're To9 Wol!e& * 9ay be going out on a li9b here5 not ha'ing rea( hi9 an( all5 but *'9 guessing 6r& Frey is in !a#t neither o! the9&

C+A,T#- F./-: Science Fiction' or' %on't Skip Thi! Chapter' You %a$ne Writing Sno1!
Yes5 yes5 yes& * kno8& S#ien#e !i#tion isn't real literature& That label gets reser'e( !or the Hliterary !i#tionH genre5 in 8hi#h people hang about in their s9all to8ns an(Cor +rooklyn5 #olle#ting tiny e4periential 9o9ents like #oupons until they ha'e enough to re(ee9 !or the Luiet 6o9ent o! larity =ust be!ore the en( o! the story& Yeah5 that's not a !or9ula& +ut5 hey5 you kno8& You en=oy that& *'9 happy !or you& Ah5 *'9 =ust 9essing 8ith you& * rea( literary !i#tion like * rea( any other genre an( * !in( it has 9ore or less the sa9e per#entage o! @uality 8riters to ha#ks5 goo( 8ork to la9e 8ork5 an( 9e9orable 8riting to !orgettable tripe as any other genre& * (on't parti#ularly buy into the i(ea o! one genre o! 8riting being better than any other any 9ore than * buy into the i(ea o! one type o! #uisine being better than any other& Literary !i#tion is Fren#h #ooking& S#ien#e !i#tion is Thai& Fo9an#e 8riting is all about #ho#olate& You #an get goo( an( #rappy 'ersions o! ea#h5 an( the snob 8ho 8on't try so9e o! ea#h is 9erely 9issing out& +e that as it 9ay5 to this point 8hen * 8rite !i#tion * 8rite s#ien#e !i#tion5 be#ause that's 8hat * rea( 9ost o! !or !un5 an( be#ause that's 8hat * like 8riting 9ost o! all& S#ien#e !i#tion an( its #on=oine( t8in !antasy #o9prise a genre that has its o8n set o! #on#erns an( #ontro'ersies5 both !or its 8riters an( its rea(ers5 an( as * spen( 9ore ti9e in the genre5 * !in( 9ysel! #o99enting on these things 9ore !re@uently& What you'll !in( here are so9e obser'ations on so9e o! the 9ost re#ent tren(s in SF Athat is Hre#entH as o! late 200. an( early 2000B an( so9e thoughts on 8here 9y #hosen literary genre is going5 or ought to go5 in any e'ent& Why shoul( you #are i! you (on't 8rite s#ien#e !i#tionJ Pri9arily be#ause 9any o! the #on#erns an( #ontro'ersies in s#ien#e !i#tion ha'e their analogues in other genres as 8ell& Fo9an#e 8riters5 say5 are no less i99une to the per#eption that their genre is all one type o! thing than SF 8riters5 8hen in !a#t both genres #ontain 9ultitu(es& ri9e 8riters 8orry about rea#hing ne8 au(ien#es as 9u#h as the guys 8riting about aliens& )'en aspiring literary !i#tion 8riters ha'e as 9u#h to !ear !ro9 publishing s#a9s as the !olks 8ho i9agine spa#eships& The pie#es in this #hapter are tune( !or s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters5 but the sub=e#ts un(er (is#ussion here are uni'ersal&

As a si(e note5 you'll note that t8o books get 9entione( a lot in this #hapter& 3ne o! the9 is 4ld &an!s %ar5 8hi#h 9akes sense be#ause * 8rote it& As 8ith the rest o! this book5 9any o! 9y obser'ations here are base( on 9y o8n e4perien#e5 an( 4ld &an!s %ar 8as the s#ien#e !i#tion book * 8as pushing the 9ost (uring the ti9e 9ost o! these pie#es 8ere 8ritten& The other is *ccelerando by harles Stross5 8hi#h #a9e out in 9i(-200.& harlie's book gets big play !or t8o reasons" !irst5 * think it's si9ply one o! the best SF books o! 200. an( shoul( 8in lots o! a8ar(s5 an( se#on(5 in 9any 8ays * !in( it a polar opposite o! 4ld &an!s %ar5 !or reasons that * (etail in the entries you'll rea( in this #hapter& So * bring it up @uite a lot& * hope you'll take that as a hint that you shoul( #he#k it out& That sai(5 let's (i'e right in5 shall 8eJ

The Cynical Writer

0.cto1er 4=' 233<5

Pyr +ooks e(itorial (ire#tor Lou An(ers has so9e kin( things to say about 4ld &an!s %ar on his personal Web site5 8hi#h is 'ery ni#e o! hi9& An(ers' ste8ar(ship o! Pyr has resulte( in the i9print publishing so9e !ine books5 so !or hi9 to gi'e 36W a thu9bs-up 9akes 9e !eel shiny an( happy& :e also says *'9 a genuinely ni#e guy5 an( that 9y breath is !resh an( 9inty; 3kay5 he (i(n't a#tually 8rite the last part& Although * a9 #he8ing pepper9int gu9 right no8& * a9 entirely 9intilate(& * note An(ers' 8rite-up !or 36W5 ho8e'er5 not !or the praise but be#ause he notes that he 8as initially not intereste( in the book" Not only is it Hnot the sort o! thing * nor9ally rea(5H but initially5 * @uite (eliberately hel( o!! #he#king it out& First5 be#ause * ha( hear( that S#al$i a(9itte( to A#yni#allyJB seeking out 8hat sells A9ilitary SFB an( then 8riting sa9e5 an( se#on( be#ause S#al$i put 9e o!! on his blog by @uoting 9y 9ost hate( #li#hY5 H*! you 8ant to sen( a 9essage5 use Western Nnion&H * rea( !or entertain9ent5 yes5 but part o! 8hat is entertaining to 9e is the a#t o! learning5 o! bettering 9ysel!5 an( * ha'e al8ays hel( the o##upation o! 8riter as so9ething lau(able on the le'el o! that o! tea#her or s#ientist an( e4pe#t 8riters to be so9e8hat s9arter than a'erage& * rea( to learn5 an( 8hen a 8riter tells 9e up!ront they ha'e nothing (eep to say5 * take the9 at !a#e 'alue an( go else8here& +oth o! these ob=e#tions 9ake 9e s9ile5 not in the least be#ause they are ob=e#tions absolutely base( in !a#t" * (i( use the HWestern NnionH @uote Aalthough not at the Whate'er5 but in an inter'ie8 !or Strange ,ori9ons 9aga$ineB an( * (i( @uite intentionally 8rite a 9ilitary SF no'el a!ter a trip to the bookstore to see 8hat kin( o! SF 8as selling& *t's all true; An( 8ith your in(ulgen#e5 *'ll #hat a little about both& Let's start 8ith the HWestern NnionH #o99ent5 8hi#h is in response to this @uestion" D+" You note that Agent to the Stars 8as not a story Hnear an( (ear to WyourX heart&H Was 3l( 6an's War that story5 or (o 8e get to look !or8ar( to another great story yet to #o9eJ %S" Well5 to be #lear5 * like Agent's story 'ery 9u#h?it 8as a lot o! !un to think about

an( to 8rite& +ut * think a lot o! beginning 8riters try to 8rite about so9ething really i9portant to the9 right out o! the bo45 an( to be su##ess!ul in (oing so5 8hi#h * think is a little like e4pe#ting to hit a hole-in-one your !irst ti9e at a gol! tee& With 9y !irst no'el A8hi#h5 re9e9ber5 * ha( no intention to sellB5 * =ust 8ante( to hit one on the !air8ay& So * #hose a story about spa#e aliens an( :olly8oo(5 8hi#h see9e( to 9e a (oable enterprise& An( i! * ha( 9angle( Agent beyon( all re#ognition5 it 8oul(n't ha'e kille( 9e or 9y (esire to 8rite& *'9 a little 8ary about #ons#iously trying to sit (o8n to 8rite a Hgreat story&H There's that ol( saying" H*! you 8ant to sen( a 9essage5 use Western Nnion&H * 8ant to 8rite a goo( story5 one that keeps a rea(er 8anting to rea(& * think that 8ithin the #on!ines o! a goo( story one #an 8rite so9e !airly signi!i#ant things5 so long as they are in ser'i#e to that story& *n 3l( 6an's War5 * think * tou#h on a nu9ber o! signi!i#ant topi#s5 but the operati'e 8or( there is Htou#h&H *! you start #alling attention to 8hat you're (oing5 your story is likely to grin( to a halt an( you''e pulle( your rea(er out o! the 8orl( you''e #reate( to go HLook; A signi!i#ant point is being 9a(e;H * 9ean5 it's better to assu9e your rea(er isn't stupi( an( #an han(le so9e subtlety& *n other 8or(s5 the 9o9ent * say to so9eone5 H* 8ill no8 sit (o8n to 8rite 6y <reat Story5H * hope they 8ill (o 9e the #ourtesy o! braining 9e 8ith a sho'el& For no85 *'ll sti#k to trying to 8rite goo( stories5 an( see 8here that gets 9e& * (on't think An(ers an( * are in (isagree9ent in ter9s o! 8hat 8riters #an o!!er as entertain9ent an( as entertainers& *'9 #ertainly happy 8hen 8riters o!!er 9ore than 9ere plotting5 an( 9any o! 9y !a'orite 8riters (o& )ntertain9ent (oesn't ha'e be 'a#uous5 e'en 8hen it is light& +ut as a reader5 * li'e in !ear o! 8hat * #all the H%ohn <alt 6aneu'er5H in 8hi#h a #hara#ter stan(s in one pla#e o'er an entire signature o! pages5 bar!ing up the author's politi#al rhetori# like a buli9i# 6ary Sue& S#ien#e !i#tion's history is not e4a#tly (e'oi( o! su#h blatant <altery5 8hi#h * think is to its (etri9ent> as a 8riter o! s#ien#e !i#tion5 * 8ant to be 9ore !a#ile than that 8hen an( i! * ha'e a point to 9ake& 4ld &an!s %ar is an interesting #ase !or politi#alCrhetori#al 9essaging be#ause its uni'erse is so e4tre9e" e'eryone is at 8ar 8ith nearly e'eryone else& Also5 the politi#al i9pli#ations o! this are only lightly tou#he( on in 36W5 in no s9all part be#ause it's a Hgrunt's eye 'ie8H o! that uni'erse5 an( our hero has other things on his 9in( than so#ial-politi#al stru#ture o! the olonial Nnion& :is e4posure to it is li9ite( in any e'ent5 (ue to being a sol(ier an( !o#using on #o9bat& +ut * think astute rea(ers 8ill ha'e no (oubt !or9ulate( so9e thoughts on 8hat sort o! go'ern9ent an( so#iety the olonial Nnion a#tually is& *n The /host Brigades5 that story threa( is e4plore( rather 9ore signi!i#antly5 an( shoul( there be a thir( book5 * think 9any o! the #onse@uen#es o! 8hat the olonial Nnion is an( ho8 it is #onstru#te( 8ill #o9e to a hea(& ertainly there is so9e authorial 9essaging going on in all this> * (o ha'e a point o! 'ie85 a!ter all5 an( any8ay someone has to 9ake (e#isions as to 8hat's going on in this uni'erse& *t 9ight as 8ell be 9e5 being that * a9 the author an( all& +ut as note(5 the goal is to ha'e any 9essaging #o9e through in the story5 not in so9e #hara#ter e4poun(ing at length A* do ha'e #hara#ters e4poun(ing5 9in( you5 both in 4ld &an!s %ar an( The /host Brigades& +ut * try to keep the e4poun(ing to a #ouple o! paragraphs at 9ost5 an( also try to let other #hara#ters get a 8or( in e(ge8iseB& Also5 as a 8riter5 * 8ant to 9ake sure * put the story !irst5 be#ause that's 8hat people ha'e

#o9e to the book !or& Any 9essaging has to !it the story5 not the other 8ay aroun(& The 36W uni'erse is a !i#tional an( e4tre9e sort o! uni'erse?any 9essaging has to play by the rules that the uni'erse is #onstru#te( by& A*n(ee(5 that's one o! the things that (i!!erentiates s#ien#e !i#tion !ro9 H9ainstrea9H !i#tion" 6oral5 politi#al an( philosophi#al #hoi#es are in the #onte4t o! a #reate( uni'erse5 not ne#essarily the one 8e li'e in& So9e 9essaging 8on't 9ap per!e#tly Aor at allB into this uni'erse5 8hi#h Aa9ong other thingsB bugs people 8ho (on't 8ant to ha'e to stret#h their s9ug little 9in(s to a##o99o(ate a ne8 set o! rules?you #an tell 8ho these people are 8hen they say things like HS#ien#e Fi#tion isn't real literature&H %ust s9ile5 pity their tiny in!le4ible brains5 an( 9o'e on&B 3ne thing to point out Aan( 8hi#h * suspe#t that An(ers probably 8oul(n't take issue 8ithB is that 8hile entertain9ent #an ha'e a 9essage5 a 9essage is not al8ays re@uire(" so9eti9es so9ething #an =ust be kiss kiss bang bang Aan( in the #ase o! s#ien#e !i#tion5 also ro#ket ro#ketB& The *ndroid!s Dream5 the book * keep 9entioning but 8hi#h al9ost none o! you ha'e seen?it'll be out late '00 !ro9 Tor?is5 as !ar as * #an tell5 al9ost entirely 9essage !ree& *n(ee(5 the !irst #hapter is =ust one e4ten(e( !art =oke5 an( belie'e 9e you5 other than in an intestinal sense5 there's nothing (eep about that& :a'ing sai( that5 * think that #hapter is one o! the best things *''e 8ritten?#ertainly one o! the 9ost fun5 in any e'ent& 6o'ing on to the H* 8rote 9ilitary SF be#ause 9ilitary SF 8as 8hat * sa8 selling5H *'ll !irst note that An(ers' rea#tion to this has not been uni@ue" * kno8 o! se'eral other people 8ho 8ere at least initially put o!! by this a(9ission o! 9ine5 either be#ause they''e tol( 9e personally or be#ause *''e rea( it in their blogs Ayes5 * ego sur!& This shoul( not be ne8sB& *n a real sense * #an sy9pathi$e& * think 9ost people 8ho e4perien#e art abo'e the le'el o! 9ere #onsu9ption 8ant the art to be authenti#5 an( to ha'e that art #reate( !ro9 a genuine pla#e 8ithin the artist Abear in 9in( *'9 using HartH an( HartistH in 'ery en#o9passing (e!initions o! the 8or(sB& You #oul( 'ery 8ell argue that 4ld &an!s %ar #o9es !ro9 a non-authenti# pla#e5 #reati'ely& * entirely a(9it * ha( no real lo'e !or 9ilitary SF prior to 8riting 4ld &an!s %ar?* (i(n't (islike or (is(ain it A8hi#h * think is i9portantB5 it =ust 8asn't so9ething that resonate( 8ith 9e in any signi!i#ant 8ay& * like( so9e books that #oul( be #lassi!ie( as 9ilitary SF but 8as neutral on or (islike( others& *! * ha( gone into the bookstore that (ay an( seen another subgenre o! SF taking up 9ost o! the shel! spa#e5 it's entirely possible Aan( likely;B that * 8oul( ha'e atte9pte( a book in that subgenre instea(& For so9eone approa#hing 9y book5 kno8le(ge o! the no'el's ba#kstory o! blatant #al#ulation (oesn't (o 9u#h !or its #re(ibility5 or 9ine& <rante( an( note(& +ut the book is 8hat it is5 an( * a9 8ho * a9& :i5 *'9 %ohn S#al$i5 an( * 8rite books to 9ake 9oney& * also 8rite books to en=oy 9ysel! an( to a9use others& When the #on(itions are right5 these latter reasons take pre#e(en#e o'er the !or9er?but * (on't 8orry about it too 9u#h i! it's the other 8ay aroun(& What 9atters is 8hether 8hat * 8rite is any (a9ne( goo(& *'9 very #on#erne( about that5 !or both business an( #reati'e reasons& * 8ant to 8rite goo( books so rea(ers !eel like the books ha'e been 8orth their ti9e an( 9oney5 an( * 8ant to 8rite goo( books so that publishers !eel like they're going to (o 8ell by publishing 9e&

This is 8hy *'9 not in the least #on#erne( about sharing 4ld &an!s %ar!s publi#ation history& Yes5 * (e#i(e( to 8rite 9ilitary SF be#ause it's 8hat * sa8 selling5 an( as an unpublishe( !i#tion author5 * 8ante( to 9a4i9i$e 9y #han#es o! selling a book an( ha'ing it (o 8ell in the 9arket& :a'ing 9a(e that (e#ision5 * 8rote a story in that subgenre that I 8oul( 8ant to rea(5 an( generally speaking5 * (on't appre#iate rea(ing #rap& So there 8as the 9oti'ation to 8rite so9ething that 8oul( sell5 an( also the 9oti'ation to 8rite so9ething goo( to rea(& The !or9er 9oti'ation #an reasonably be (es#ribe( as #yni#al5 to the e4tent =u9ping through any set o! hoops #an be (e!ine( as #yni#al> the latter 9oti'ation5 * 8oul( argue5 is genuine an( authenti#& 3ne o! the great an( interesting (ebates regar(ing art o! any sort is to 8hat e4tent intent is part o! the e'aulati'e pro#ess o! the 8ork?8hether a 8ork stan(s in(epen(ent o! its #reator's 9oti'ation !or #reating5 or 8hether it has to be #onsi(ere( in that #onte4t& *'9 a #reator5 but !or 9ore than a (e#a(e be!ore * 8as a #reator * 8as a #riti#5 an( that ti9e as a #riti# has 9a(e 9e 8ary o! !a#toring in 9oti'ation 8hen #onsi(ering a 8ork& 6ore a##urately5 * think one #an !a#tor in 9oti'ation only after one has e4a9ine( 8hether the 8ork wor"sB an artist 9ay pour his heart an( soul into a book or albu9 or painting or 8hate'er5 but you kno85 i! that book or albu9 or painting su#ks5 it really (oesn't 9atter i! the intent 8as pure> it's still a ba( book Aor albu95 or painting or 8hate'erB& A really e4#ellent 8ork o! art5 on the other han(5 9ay be enhan#e( by kno8ing the 9oti'ation behin( it5 but it has to be an e4#ellent 8ork o! art on its o8n 9erits !irst& Fea(ers (on't rea( pro#ess5 they rea( !inishe( books& 6usi# listeners (on't hear pro#ess5 they hear the !inishe( sy9phony& 6o'iegoers (on't 8at#h pro#ess5 they 8at#h the !inal #ut o! the !il9 Auntil the (ire#tor's #ut DOD5 any8ayB& 8rocess is opa@ue an( largely irrele'ant> results are transparent an( open to e'aluation& No85 as it happens5 people do o!ten =u(ge on pro#ess5 i! they kno8 the pro#ess& +ut the !unny thing about pro#ess is that it (oesn't last?the 8ork (oes& Sooner or later the 8ork itsel! 8ill stan( alone& *'9 open about the pro#ess o! 8riting 4ld &an!s %ar be#ause * think it's interesting A8hether or not * think pro#ess is artisti#ally rele'ant5 * think it's !un to kno8 aboutB5 an( also be#ause *'9 #o9!ortable 8ith ho8 the 8ork #a9e out& * think it's a goo( book5 an( it stan(s on its o8n in ter9s o! being a goo( rea(& Will ho8 the book #a9e to be 9a(e a!!e#t ho8 people see itJ *n so9e #ases5 sure> it alrea(y has& These things happen& +ut 8hen it #o9es to #ra#king the #o'er an( rea(ing 8hat's insi(e5 people e'entually (eal 8ith the book an( the story& 3ne hopes !or a happy out#o9e 8hen an( i! that happens&

Science Fiction .utreach

0%ece$1er 4<' 233<5

A @uestion !ro9 the au(ien#e" <reg +en!or( an( Darrell S#h8eit$er ha'e 8ritten an arti#le on !antasy o'ersha(o8ing s#ien#e !i#tion an( 8hat that 9eans to so#iety& Father than bias you 8ith 9y opinion5 * 8oul( like to hear yours sin#e you're a rising SF 8riter o! (e9onstrate( intelligen#e& :ope!ully5 you'll blog about it& The arti#le is at http"CCben!or(-rose&#o9CblogCJpR1 * rea( it& For those o! you that ha'e not5 the arti#le largely #onsists o! +en!or( glo8ering (arkly about ho8 the rise o! !antasy is in(i#ati'e o! the rise o! irrationality an( an anti-s#ien#e 'ie8 in the Nnite( States5 an( S#h8eit$er appearing to (o his best to talk +en!or( o!! the le(ge& Speaking spe#i!i#ally about +en!or(CS#h8eit$er5 * think they're o'erthinking the 9atter by a #onsi(erable 9argin5 be#ause5 o! #ourse5 o'erthinking is 8hat s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters do& * think tying in the rise o! !antasy an( (e#line o! s#ien#e !i#tion to o9inous #ultural tren(s feels ni#e5 be#ause there's nothing like being hel( in the pitiless thrall o! a 8orl(-histori#al hairpin turn to8ar( entropy to 9ake one !eel better about the !a#t that it's %I Fo8ling 9aking a billion (ollars !ro9 her books an( not you& )et that woman have her blood money2 %e!ll all be fighting the coc"roaches for scraps soon enough2 :o8e'er5 * personally belie'e the proble9 is so9e8hat 9ore prosai#5 an( it #o9es (o8n to 9arketing an( 8riting proble9s that s#ien#e !i#tion literature has that !antasy (oes not> na9ely5 that 9ath is har(5 an( s#ien#e !i#tion looks rather suspi#iously like 9ath& +e#ause s#ien#e !i#tion literature is 9ath5 (a9n it& The best SF book o! 200.5 in 9y opinion5 is harlie Stross' *ccelerando?9ore 9in(-busting i(eas there per s@uare in#h than any other book this year5 an( on the o!! #han#e 4ld &an!s %ar gets no9inate( !or any a8ar(s this year5 * shall be please( to ha'e 9y book lose to harlie's& That being

sai(5 an( as *''e sai( be!ore5 *ccelerando is !or the !aith!ul5 not the uninitiate(?an( i! you look at the signi!i#ant SF books o! the last se'eral years5 there aren't 'ery 9any you could gi'e to the uninitiate( rea(er> they all pretty 9u#h i9pli#itly or e4pli#itly assu9e you''e been keeping up 8ith the genre5 be#ause the 8riters the9sel'es ha'e& The SF literary #o99unity is like a boar(ing s#hool> 8e're all up to our ar9pits in ea#h other's business5 literary an( other8ise Aan( then there's the so(o9y& +ut let's not go thereB& We kno8 8hat e'eryone else is 8riting5 an( are loathe to step on the sa9e groun(& This 9eans SF is al8ays in'enting ne8 'o#abularies o! e4pression5 8hi#h is goo(5 but it also 9eans the latest5 hottest 'o#abularies are not ones that5 say5 9y 'ora#iously-rea(ing but resolutely 9i((le-o!-the-roa( 9other-in-la8 has any hope o! un(erstan(ing& *t's 9ath to her& Whi#h is ba(& 6ean8hile" Fantasy& Conathan Strange D &r( orrell' by Susannah larke" 9y 9other-in-la8 #an rea( that =ust !ine& :arry PotterJ She's got the books& Neil <ai9an's *merican /ods$ 6aybe a tinge gothy !or her5 but she #oul( han(le it& %ust about the only #o99er#ially signi!i#ant !antasy 8riter o! the last (e#a(e 8hose books * #oul(n't gi'e her right o!! the bat is hina 6ie'ille5 9ostly be#ause 6ie'ille is generating a !antasy 9ythology in!or9e( by the tropes o! re#ent SF Ahis !antasy is like his re9a(e #hara#ters?a (elight!ully grotes@ue 9ashupB& * think o! gi'ing 9y 9otherin-la8 8erdido Street Station an( giggle !or the rest o! the night& +ut5 as * sai(5 6ie'ille's the e4#eption5 not the rule Aan( any8ay5 * lo'e his 8riting enough !or the both o! usB& Fantasy 8riters are no less in ea#h other's ar9pits than SF 8riters5 to be sure5 but they're not pushe( to rein'ent the 8heel e'ery single ti9e they 8rite a book> the 'o#abulary o! their genre e'ol'es 9ore slo8ly& *t's not 9ath5 or i! it is5 it's not 9ath o! the higher or(ers5 an( people like 9y 9other-in-la8 #an (i'e right in& An( this is the point" Fantasy literature has nu9erous open (oors !or the #asual rea(er& :o8 9any (oes SF literature ha'eJ 6ore i9portantly5 ho8 9any is SF perceived to ha'eJ Any honest !ollo8er o! the genre has to a(9it the ans8ers are H!e8H an( He'en !e8er than that5H respe#ti'ely& The 9ost a##essible SF 8e ha'e today is stu!! that 8as 8ritten (e#a(es ago by people 8ho are no8 dead& You all kno8 * lo'e 9e that Fobert :einlein as 9u#h as anyone5 but 8hy (oes 9y lo#al bookstore still ha'e 9ore o! his books than anyone else's in the genreJ The 9ost e!!e#ti'e 9o(ern Hopen (oorsH to SF are 9e(ia tie-ins5 8hi#h ha'e their o8n set o! proble9s" they're !en#e(-in gra$ing areas that (on't en#ourage hopping into the larger SF uni'erse5 an( also5 no one but re#onstitute( geeks 8ant to be seen on the sub8ay 8ith a Star %ars or Star Tre" book in to8& Thanks to nu9erous horri!ying lun#hroo9 e4perien#es gro8ing up5 SF geeks are probably per!e#tly happy to be let alone 8ith their genre an( to let the 9un(anes rea( 8hate'er appalling #hi#k lit an(Cor Da @inci Code #lone they're slobbering o'er this 8eek& ANo85 there 8oul( be a literary 9ashup !or the ages" The Templars %ore 8rada2 *t'( sell 9illions;B +ut then 8e're ba#k to the +en!or(CS#h8eit$er la9ent5 aren't 8e" SF is getting lappe( by !antasy in ter9s o! sales an( in!luen#e an( 8ill probably #ontinue to (o so& *t's all 'ery 8ell to say the 8orl( has turne( its ba#k on SF5 but i! SF authors an( publishers are saying this 8hile resent!ully suggesting that 8e (i(n't 9u#h like that stinky 8orl( anyway5 an( that it's 9u#h 9ore !un here 8ith all our !rien(s5 8ho5 like5 totally get us already?8ell5 let's =ust say * !in( * la#k 9u#h sy9pathy !or the genre i! this

is going to be our position& Darrell S#h8eit$er 8rote in his la9ent that i! so9eone 8rote a SF no'el as #o9pelling as Stranger in a Strange )and' that people 8oul( rea( it despite it's being s#ien#e !i#tion& * !in( this !or9ulation in#re(ibly o!!-key& People are 8riting books as #o9pelling as Stranger in a Strange )and to(ay> they're si9ply 8riting the9 !or an au(ien#e 8ho has already rea( Stranger( An( <o( kno8s that any s#ien#e !i#tion book that apologi$es !or being s#ien#e !i#tion or that begs the rea(er to try it e'en though it's s#ien#e !i#tion Ahorrors;B is (oo9e( to !ailure5 be#ause no one !ollo8s up on a pity rea(& They 8on't #all it to9orro85 they 8on't sen( an e-9ail5 they 8on't ping it 8hen it's on *65 an( they'll preten( not to see it at the ne4t party they're both at& A pity rea( is an a8k8ar(5 a8k8ar( thing in(ee(& What 8e nee( are people 8ho are unapologeti#ally 8riting s#ien#e !i#tion?an( are unapologeti#ally 8riting s#ien#e !i#tion for people who have never read science fiction before& You 8ant ne8 people to rea( s#ien#e !i#tionJ You 8ant SF books to 9atter to the 9assesJ Then (o so9e go((a9ne( outreach5 people& Write an intelligent5 !as#inating5 9o'ing pie#e o! s#ien#e !i#tion !or the rea(er 8ho has al8ays thought s#ien#e !i#tion 8as so9ething that happene( to other people& Don't (u9b it (o8n?people #an !igure out 8hen you're typing slo8 be#ause you think they're 9o'ing their lips 8hen they rea(& %ust (on't assu9e they''e rea( any s#ien#e !i#tion other than that one ti9e they 8ere 9a(e to rea( H:arrison +ergeronH in their =unior year o! high s#hool& 6ake it !un5 9ake it e4#iting5 9ake it about people as 9u#h as i(eas an( gi'e the9 a !ul!illing rea(ing e4perien#e that 9akes the9 reali$e that hey5 this s#ien#e !i#tion stu!! really isn't so ba( a!ter all& An( then beg beg beg your publisher to gi'e it a #o'er that a nor9al 10-so9ething hu9an 8oul(n't (ie o! e9barrass9ent to be seen 8ith in publi#& *! 8e #an (o all that' then 9aybe5 =ust 9aybe5 s#ien#e !i#tion as a literary genre 8oul( be ba#k on its 8ay to #ultural rele'an#e& Not e'ery s#ien#e !i#tion author nee(s to (o this?the i(ea o! so9e o! our 9ore blee(ing-e(ge !olks trying to 9o(el a uni'erse !or ski!!y 'irgins is one best le!t une4a9ine(?but somebody shoul( (o it5 an( the rest o! the SF 8riting #re8 shoul( #ut those bra'e 'olunteers so9e sla#k 8hen they (o& The person 8ho rea(s intelligent but training-8heelsgentle SF to(ay #oul( be the one 8ho is (e'ouring *ccelerando or other su#h a('an#e( 8orks to9orro8& That's goo( !or us5 goo( !or the95 goo( !or the genre an( goo( !or the 8hole (a9n kno8n uni'erse& An( that's 8hat * think about that&

-e"enge of the Science Fiction Writer!B

0January 2=' 233<5

:ere's a @ui#k rule o! thu9b" Don't annoy s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters& These are people 8ho (estroy entire planets be!ore lun#h& Think o! 8hat they'll (o to you& Thus learne( PublishA9eri#a re#ently& PublishA9eri#a is a so9e8hat #ontro'ersial book publisher that 9any authors belie'e is a thinly-(isguise( H'anity publisher5H an( 8hose book (eals take a('antage o! people 8ho 8ant to be Hpublishe(H authors 9ore than they 8ant to rea( the !ine print o! a #ontra#t APublishA9eri#a?an( !or that 9atter 9any authors publishe( by the house?rather 'ehe9ently (eny this #hargeB& A nu9ber o! notable s#ien#e !i#tion authors5 in#lu(ing %a9es 6a#Donal(5 ha'e 8arne( aspiring authors a8ay !ro9 the house5 8hi#h apparently (i(n't please PublishA9eri#a5 8hi#h note( on one o! its online sites that HAs a rule o! thu9b5 the @uality bar !or s#i-!i an( !antasy is a lot lo8er than !or all other !i#tion & & &WS#ien#e !i#tion authorsX ha'e no #lue about 8hat it is to 8rite real-li!e stories5 an( ho8 to !in( the9 a ho9e&H Well5 naturally5 6a#Donal( an( others sense( a #hallenge5 so 8hat a group o! the9 (i( 8as get together to intentionally 8rite an utterly pro!essionally unsaleable book AHPlot5 #hara#teri$ation5 the9e" none o! the9 are to be !oun( & & & <ra99ar an( spelling take a (rubbing5H they 8rote in the Web site they #reate( a!ter the !a#tB5 an( then sub9itte( it to PublishA9eri#a to see i! it 9et the publisher's @uality stan(ar(s& An( 8hat (o you kno8J *t (i(?*tlanta ights' as the book 8as #alle(5 8as a##epte(& :ere's a sa9ple o! te4t" H*'9 gla( you #oul( gi'e 9e a ri(e5H +ru#e Lu#ent 9uttere(5 his pain-8orn !a#e re((ene( by the yello8 sunlight& HWhat 8ith 9y ne8 #ar all s9ashe( an( all&H :is ol( !rien(5 *sa(ore5 shook his 9assi'e hea( at hi9& HWe kno8 ho8 it 9ust be to ha'e a lot o! 9oney but no 8orking #ar5H he sai(5 the harsh 6a#on ounty (ra8l o! his 'oi#e so!tene( by his years in Atlanta high so#iety& H*t's 9y pleasure to bring you ba#k to your !an#y apart9ent5 an( 8e're all so happy that y'all is still ali'e& Y'all #oul( ha'e been kille( in that (rea(!ul 8re#k&H *sa(ore pause( to put on the turn signal be!ore 9aking a sa!e turn a#ross rush-hour tra!!i# into the parking lot o! +ru#e Lu#ent's lu4ury apart9ent

buil(ing& HY'all'll gets a ne8 #ar on 6on(ay&H H* (on't kno8 ho8 *'ll be able to (ri'e it 8ith 9y ar9 in a #ast5H +ru#e Lu#ent shoots ba#k& H*t's lu#ky * 8asn't kille( outright like so 9any people are 8hen they ha'e horri( auto9obile 8re#ks&H HFortunately5 !ast an( e!!i#ient )9ergen#y 6e(i#al Ser'i#es5 base( on a progra9 !oun(e( by Lyn(on +aines %ohnson the 10th Presi(ent o! the Nnite( States helpe( y'all sur'i'e an other8ise5 (ea(ly #rash5H *sa(ore #hu#kle(& :e no((e( his hea( to8ar( the to8ering apart9ent buil(ing5 in the 'ery sha(o8 o! Pea#htree A'enue5 8here +ru#e li'e( his lu4urious li!e& An( that's one o! the better passages& There are also t8o #hapters 8ith the sa9e nu9ber5 an( t8o #hapters 8ith the sa9e te4t Athough5 * un(erstan(5 not the sa9e t8o #hapters as ha'e the sa9e nu9bersB an( 'arious other 'iolations o! #o99on an( gra99ati#al sense& *t's not !or nothing that the authorial pseu(ony9 !or this book is HTra'is Tea&H ANo5 * (i(n't #ontribute& +ut * kin( o! 8ish * ha(;B Naturally5 8hen the book 8as a##epte(5 the s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters #oul(n't help 9entioning it on 'arious Web sites5 an( 8hen PublishA9eri#a !oun( out it ha( been hoa4e(5 it @ui#kly res#in(e( its o!!er& +ut by then it 8as too late?the SF authors5 asi(e !ro9 pla#ing the Hno'elH up !or sale else8here as an e4a9ple o! PA's @uality stan(ar(s5 ha'e also issue( a press release re#ounting the entire tale that 8ent out on the ne8s8ires to(ay& Lessons !ro9 this storyJ *! you're an aspiring author #onsi(ering Publish-A9eri#a Aor any other si9ilar operationB5 9ake sure you (o (ue (iligen#e be!ore you sign any #ontra#ts> Don't 9ake s#ien#e !i#tion authors angry& You 8oul(n't like the9 8hen they're angry&

,u1li!hA$erica %ou!e! Self in Cero!ene' Light! &atch

0Fe1ruary 4A' 233<5

What an ass" *n an e4#lusi'e inter'ie8 8ith S * F* Wire5 the presi(ent o! PublishA9eri#a (e!en(e( his #o9pany against #harges by a group o! SF an( !antasy 8riters that his #o9pany is a H'anity press5H (espite !alling !or a hoa4 perpetrate( by the 8riters& The 8riters5 in response to PublishA9eri#a's #riti#is9 o! SFMF 8riters5 #on#o#te( a (eliberately ba( bogus no'el5 Atlanta Nights5 an( sub9itte( it !or publi#ation to test 8hether PublishA9eri#a 8oul( a##ept anything> a!ter the hoa4 8as re'eale(5 PublishA9eri#a res#in(e( its o!!er o! publi#ation& Speaking !or the !irst ti9e about the hoa45 Larry lopper5 presi(ent o! PublishA9eri#a5 base( in Fre(eri#k5 6(&5 sai( his #o9pany kne8 about the hoa4 be!ore it be#a9e publi# kno8le(ge an( 8ith(re8 its o!!er o! publi#ation at that ti9e & & & lopper sai( 9any 9ainstrea9 publishers si9ilarly (o not rea( the entire 9anus#ript be!ore 9aking an o!!er o! publi#ation& HThe hoa4 !aile(5H lopper sai(& H*t 8as a 'ery a9ateur gag&H *n !a#t5 o! #ourse5 the hoa4 su##ee(e( brilliantly& :ere's 8hy" lopper's #ontention that publishers 9ake o!!ers on #o9pletely unkno8n !irst-ti9e !i#tion authors be!ore rea(ing an entire 9anus#ript is appallingly 8rong> either lopper kno8s this5 an( is lying through his teeth5 or he (oesn't kno8 this5 an( he's a 9onu9ental in#o9petent& *t is true that publishers o! !i#tion 8ill ask that initial sub9issions #onsist o!5 say5 three #hapters rather than an entire 9anus#ript& +ut the point o! that is that i! they like the three #hapters5 they 8ill ask !or the rest o! the 9anus#ript& You kno85 to read& Then an( only then 8ill they take a #han#e on a #o9pletely unkno8n !irst-ti9e !i#tion 8riter& WhyJ +e#ause?to repeat?you are a completely un"nown first-time fiction writer& *! you're Stephen Iing5 they 9ight be reasonably assure( that you #an #arry o!! the 8hole 9anus#ript5 sin#e you ha'e a tra#k re#or( o! (oing su#h things in a pro!itable 9anner&

:o8e'er5 you #an bet that 8hoe'er bought Carrie5 Iing's !irst no'el5 rea( the 8hole (a9ne( thing be!ore 9aking the o!!er& )'en i! 8e li'e( in an alternate 8orl( in 8hi#h H9ainstrea9H publishers did 9ake utterly unkno8n !irst ti9e !i#tion authors publi#ation o!!ers base( on a partial 9anus#ript5 the !a#t o! the 9atter is no reputable publisher 8oul( 9ake an o!!er on *tlanta ights5 be#ause no 9atter 8hat part o! it you rea(5 it's all bad& Trust 9e" Writers 8ho are regularly publishe( kno8 8hat it takes not to be publishe(5 !or the sa9e reason that5 say5 )((ie Oan :alen kno8s 8hat soun(s like #rap #o9ing !ro9 a guitar& *t is 8ell 8ithin a #o9petent pro!essional 8riter's skill set to 8rite so poorly that no reputable publisher 8oul( tou#h the 8ork& Speaking as a !or9er a#@uiring e(itor5 *'9 here to tell you that *tlanta ights is a8!ul !ro9 the 'ery !irst page& Any a#@uiring e(itor 8orth his or her pay#he#k 8oul( ha'e thro8n the 9anus#ript in the trash5 or at the 'ery least stu!!e( it into a sel!-a((resse(5 sta9pe( en'elope to sen( it ba#k to the poor bastar( 8ho 8rote it& *t takes less than 100 8or(s to kno8 the thing is unpublishable> as they say in the in(ustry5 one (oes not ha'e to eat an entire egg to kno8 it is rotten& What sort o! e(itor rea(s su#h an a8!ul book an( says to hi9 or hersel!" +y <o(5 this nee(s to be publishe(J 3ne o! t8o people" ,& A 9onu9ental in#o9petent> 2& An e(itor 8hose a#@uisition #riteria are base( on so9ething other than those o! a Htra(itionalH publisher?8hi#h is to say5 the nee( to sell the book en masse to people 8ho ha'e no relationship to the 9anus#ript's author& *'( be 8illing to buy into the i(ea that PublishA9eri#a's a#@uisition e(itors are in#o9petent5 but let's be #haritable beyon( all reason an( assu9e they are not& all it a pro!essional #ourtesy& That lea'es non-tra(itional a#@uisition #riteria5 an( that's pretty #learly PublishA9eri#a's s#he9e& Anyone 8ho looks at PublishA9eri#a's pra#ti#es gets the i(ea that the publisher is not in the business o! selling to a 9ass 9arket> it's in the business o! selling to the 8riter an( to the 8riter's i99e(iate !rien(s an( anyone the 8riter #an #on'in#e to #arry the book& An( o! #ourse there's a phrase that !its those kin(s o! publishers" 'anity publisher& Assu9ing so9eone at PublishA9eri#a (i( a#tually rea( *tlanta ights5 8hat they thought to the9sel'es 8as not HDa9n5 this is goo(5H but HWe're betting this guy has a lot o! !rien(s 8ho 8ill buy this out o! pity&H An( so PublishA9eri#a 9a(e an o!!er& 3ne #an reasonably assu9e that PublishA9eri#a has (one the sa9e 8ith 9any o! its other authors& Not all5 possibly& +ut 9any& An( naturally5 this (oes all those poor authors a tre9en(ous (isser'i#e& +y i9plying that in the real publishing 8orl(5 #rap like *tlanta ights is a#tually an( genuinely publishable5 PublishA9eri#a gi'es these authors a heart-breakingly lo8 ben#h9ark o! presu9e( #o9peten#e !or publishability& Authors 8ho assu9e that being publishe( by PublishA9eri#a 9eans they''e hit a#tual publi#ation stan(ar(s !or #o9petent 8riting 8ill be #on!use( 8hen !uture 8ork5 8ritten to the sa9e le'el o! #o9peten#e5 gets re=e#te( in the real 8orl( o'er an( o'er an( o'er again& An( o! #ourse5 that's possibly part o! PublishA9eri#a's plan as 8ell" to #reate a

stratu9 o! authors 8hose only publishing option is to go through PublishA9eri#a be#ause they're not #o9petent to be publishe( any8here else& The #o9pany (oesn't see the9 as authors> it sees the9 purely as a re'enue strea95 an( it's #ontent to keep the9 hobble( as 8riters to (o it& An( i! that's the #ase5 PublishA9eri#a isn't si9ply a 'anity press5 it's also unspeakably #ruel& The hoa4 8orke( be#ause it e4pose( one o! t8o things" either PublishA9eri#a is sta!!e( by 9onu9ental in#o9petents5 in 8hi#h #ase you'( be (a!t to publish 8ith the95 or it's sta!!e( by #yni#al5 bla#k-hearte( bastar(s 8ho purposely (e#ei'e an( 9anipulate their authors5 in 8hi#h #ase you'( be (a!t to publish 8ith the9& The thir( option is that they're both 9onu9entally in#o9petent and #yni#al5 bla#k-hearte( bastar(s5 in 8hi#h #ase you'( be (a!t to publish 8ith the9 an( they shoul( probably be taken out an( beaten 8ith the spines o! their o8n books& For starters& :o8e'er you sli#e it5 PublishA9eri#a is ba( ne8s& The only goo( ne8s about the 8hole *tlanta ights hoa4 is that no 9atter 8hat PublishA9eri#a (oes5 it 9akes itsel! look 8orse& To 8hi#h the only thing to say is" <oo(&

The ,olitic! of SF

0January 4?' 233<5

A @uestion !ro9 the gallery" As so9eone 8ho not only en=oys harles Stross's 8ork5 but 8ho (rools o'er intelligent SF in general Ai&e&5 as so9eone 8ho #onsi(ers #utting-e(ge SF the e@ui'alent o! <hirar(elli #ho#olateB5 *'9 'ery intereste( to learn 9ore about the Hreal-8orl(H politi#al perspe#ti'es o! the SF 8riters * a(9ire& AFF)U" hina 6ie'ille" pseu(o-6ar4ist> Le<uin" pa#i!ist Taoist> et# & & & B *''e noti#e( that the 8orl('ie8s o! 9any other8ise insight!ul SF authors?in#lu(ing harles Stross?be#o9e strangely #onspiratorial an( (og9ati# 8hene'er they a((ress #urrent politi#al realities& Are all #onte9porary SF 8riters (e(i#ate( Le!tistsJ 3r 8hatJ Spe#i!i#ally relating to harlie Stross5 o! #ourse5 the best person to ans8er that @uestion 8oul( be harlie hi9sel!& * 8ill note that personally5 * (on't !in( hi9 to be any 9ore politi#ally (og9ati# than other people> harlie's politi#s an( 9ine (i'erge enough to be noti#eable5 an( yet he (oesn't shy a8ay !ro9 9y a#@uaintan#e base( on 9y (o#trinal i9purities& :e (oes ha'e a point o! 'ie85 8hi#h is perhaps best su99e( up in this @uote" H*'9 a !u$$y-hea(e( 8ar9hearte( liberal5 an( * think !u$$y-hea(e( 8ar9hearte( liberalis9 is an i(eologi#al stan#e that nee(s (e!en(ing?i! ne#essary5 8ith a hob-naile( boot-ki#k to the bollo#ks o! bu((ing totalitarianis9&H * (on't see that as (og9ati# so 9u#h as aspirational& *n any e'ent5 harlie #an speak !or harlie& As !or SF in general5 * (on't think anyone's taken a serious politi#al sur'ey o! SF 8riters?be#ause 8hy 8oul( you?but ane#(otally speaking it (oes see9 to 9e that 9ost SF 8riters *''e 9et are o! t8o politi#al stripes" Le!ties an( Libbies& The le!ty #a9p in#lu(es 9ost SF 8riters 8ho are not #iti$ens o! the NS5 8hi#h 9akes so9e sort o! basi# sense be#ause the NI5 ana(a5 Australia an( Ne8 Tealan( are rather 9ore politi#ally an( so#ially Hle!tH than the NS& *t (oes also in#lu(e the general 9ass o! NS SF 8riters5 8ho #an be 8i(ely #lassi!ie( as a subset o! the A9eri#an intelle#tual #lass5 8hi#h is generally le!t-leaning5 although * 8oul( hesitate to say e4#lusi'ely so& The libertarian #a9p o! SF 8riters?the :einleinites5 as * like to #all the9 in 9y brain?are as !ar as * #an see a s9all but 'o#al 9inority& You re#ogni$e the9 the 9o9ent they

open their 9ouths& This is speaking 'ery broa(ly an( ane#(otally5 9in( you> * #an think o! se'eral su##ess!ul SF 8riters 8ho * see as generally #onser'ati'e5 either politi#ally or so#ially& 3rson S#ott ar( is !a9ously so#ially #onser'ati'e5 a position that is to so9e (egree roote( in his religious tra(ition& %ohn Fingo see9s !airly #onser'ati'e> he's been kno8n to 8rite op-e(s !or the ew -or" 8ost& :olly Lisle also see9s to be o! a politi#ally #onser'ati'e stripe to 9e5 on the o##asion *''e seen her 8rite about her politi#s& An( o! #ourse as in(i'i(uals 9ost SF 8riters an( e(itors ha'e their politi#al @uirks an( streaks& * (oubt rather seriously that you'll 9eet an SF 8riter 8ho is (o#trinally straight ti#ket !or 8hate'er their general politi#al stan#e is assu9e( to be& That's be#ause SF 8riters5 as a rule5 ten( to thin" about their politi#al positions& Ino8ing the politi#s o! an author is interesting but usually irrele'ant to their 8ork5 unless the 8riter is 8riting spe#i!i#ally about #onte9porary politi#s A8hi#h 8oul( be unusual !or this genreB& 6y personal politi#al 'ie8s5 !or e4a9ple5 are al9ost entirely irrele'ant !or 4ld &an!s %ar> the story 9ight gi'e you a s9all sense o! 9y thoughts on the use o! 9ilitary !or#e5 but then again it 9ight not5 sin#e *''e seen the book (es#ribe( both as Hanti-8arH an( as an argu9ent !or the 8is(o9 o! ha'ing Hboots on the groun(&H *! you 8ere to gi'e the a'erage person 36W an( ask the9 to (i'ine 9y politi#al positions base( on the te4t5 * (oubt you'( get all that !ar& )@ually5 *'9 not sure ha'ing rea( 8erdido Street Station that * 8oul( ha'e pegge( hina 6ie'ille as a so#ialist5 be#ause his personal politi#s are not glaringly ob'ious in the book5 or at least5 they 8eren't to 9e& An( 8hat about5 say5 a book like Allen Steele's Coyote$ *n the book5 the NS has been repla#e( by a har(-right politi#al entity5 against 8hi#h a s9all group o! #olonists rebel?an( yet later in the book there's an e'en larger so#ialist state5 an( the #olonists rebel against that too& What (oes any o! this say about Steele's politi#sJ *s he a le!ty5 a righty5 or the sort o! libbie that =ust 8ants to be le!t aloneJ Any5 or none5 or A9y #hoi#eB it (oesn't 9atter5 sin#e Steele is a!ter all 8riting !i#tion& Again5 unless authors are e4pli#itly a((ressing politi#s in their te4t5 their personal politi#s an( positions are tri'ia at best& So9e 8ill argue that personal politi#s (o 9atter 9ore than *''e suggeste(5 an( * 8ill argue that in(ee(5 there are people !or 8ho9 they 8ill 9atter 9ore than they (o !or 9e& An( possibly in a (i!!erent ti9e an( pla#e5 they 9ight ha'e 9attere( 9ore5 an( 9ight again& To s8it#h art !or9s here5 it does 9atter5 !or e4a9ple5 that Leni Fie!enstahl's brilliant #ine9ati# eye 8as use( in the ser'i#e o! the Na$is& +ut the a'erage 8riter 8ho supporte( <eorge +ush or %ohn Ierry in the last NS ele#tion (oes not5 shall 8e say5 sink to Fie!enstalian (epths& :ere an( no85 9ost SF 8riters' personal politi#s?le!t5 right5 or o!! the a4is entirely?are not integral to ho8 their 8ork shoul( be approa#he(&

Who the +ell Care! What'! Wrong With A$erican SFD

0April 24' 233<5

harlie Stross spe#ulates5 8ith only the tiniest hint o! schadenfreude5 as to 8hy all the :ugo no9inees !or +est No'el this year are +ritish?or5 9ore a##urately5 8hy none o! the9 are A9eri#an& A!ter politely o!!ering the oli'e bran#h o! #oin#i(en#e5 harlie's o!!-the-#u!! spe#ulation is that A9eri#an SF 8riters are (epresse(" :ere *'9 going to short#ir#uit the en(less (ebate an( bring up 9y proposition" that the shape o! A9eri#an SF5 as 8ith +ritish SF5 is (eter9ine( by the #ultural $eitgeist5 by the so#iety's o8n 'ision o! its !uture& An( * propose that the A9eri#an !uture is #urrently un#ertain5 unpleasant5 polari$e(5 regi9ente(5 an( pessi9isti# & & & This is not the pla#e to list all the #ontro'ersies or un#ertainties haunting the A9eri#an psy#he in the 8ake o! /C,,& Nor a9 * going to lea'e any hostages to !ortune by prophesying either a rein'igoration o! A9eri#an hege9ony5 or a So'iet-style #ollapse& *'9 agnosti# on the 9atter& What * a9 8illing to assert is that this un#ertainty is haunting s#ien#e !i#tion an( 8arping the sort o! !i#tion that is being 8ritten& This !ollo8s to so9e e4tent on a Li'e%ournal entry by ana(ian %a9es Ni#holl5 8ho asks" HSo 8hen e4a#tly (i( the NS stop being !ertile soil !or real SFJH an( also suggests that A9eri#an SF 8riters ha'e a #ase o! the (ol(ru9s5 8hi#h sho8s up in (epressing !utures 8ith restri#te( #i'il liberties& * (on't kno8& Personally speaking5 * 9ust ha'e 9isse( the 9e9o to be (epresse(5 sin#e none o! 9y SF Aat least as it applies to earthB is pessi9isti# about the A9eri#an !uture> in(ee(5 on that !ar-(istant (ay in 8hi#h The *ndroid!s Dream is e'er release( you 8ill (is#o'er that 9u#h to the #onsternation o! other nations on the planet5 it is a hale an( healthy A9eri#a that is the seat o! the !e(eral 8orl( go'ern9ent5 an( that sen(s representati'es to the larger interstellar NN-like organi$ation& *'9 not in#apable o! 8riting (arker-tinge( !i#tion?* think you'll !in( that The /host Brigades is so9e8hat (arker an( 9ore intense than 4ld &an!s %ar?but neither (o * !in( (oo9 an( gloo9 inherently interesting& *t's a tool !ro9 the toolbo45 an( it has its uses5 but it shoul(n't

ne#essarily be the !irst tool out o! the bo4& An( 8hile * a9 not entirely please( 8ith the #urrent A9eri#an politi#alCso#ial s#ene5 neither (o * belie'e it porten(s the #o9ing o! the A9eri#an %erusale9 an(Cor The Se#on( <reat Depression& The li!e o! the NS e4ists on 9ultiple le'els> so9e o! the s#arier le'els are si9ply 9ore ob'ious at the 9o9ent& We'll see 8here it goes !ro9 here& Su!!i#e to say that in the long run5 * a9 not unopti9isti#& A9eri#an SF 8riters 9ay in(ee( be trappe( in a be#al9e( Sargasso Sea o! the soul at the 9o9ent thanks to the 'arious politi#al an( so#ial shi!ts in this #ountry& Alternately5 it 9ay be that the NS 8riters are su#king up the tail en( o! a parti#ular SF 9arket tren( that is rapi(ly playing itsel! out an( A9eri#an SF 8riters 8ill no8 ha'e to !igure out 8here the hell to go to ne4t& 3r 9aybe they're all =ust in really #rappy personal relationships& 6aybe it's not the authors at all> 9aybe it's the editors 8ho are buying stu!! 8ho are (epresse( as hell& As a rea(er5 * !in( it (i!!i#ult to a#tually care be#ause * (on't rea( by nationality5 * rea( by author an(Cor story5 an( i! the story is goo(5 * si9ply #oul( not gi'e a s@uat 8here it is the author sits (o8n to type his or her story& As an author5 *'9 not totally (isintereste( in 8hat other 8riters are (oing?as *''e note( be!ore5 * 8rote 4ld &an!s %ar be#ause a trip to the bookstore tol( 9e that 9ilitary !i#tion 8as 8hat 8as selling5 an( as a !irst-ti9e author5 * 8ante( to sell?but *'9 8ary o! 9aking s8eeping generali$ations about 8hat the lot o! the9 are 8riting an( ho85 or the #onte4tual un(erpinnings o! the 8ork& The SF 8riting s#ene is s9all enough to ha'e so9e uni!or9ity in outlook5 but people's li'es an( the 8ays those li'es i9pa#t their 8ork are intensely 'arie(& *! A9eri#an SF 8riters are uni!or9ly (epresse(5 8ell5 * (on't kno85 let's organi$e a !iel( trip to so9epla#e sunny !or the9& Let the9 !roli# in the open air or 8hate'er& :a'e the9 9eet a ni#e person o! their gen(er o! se4ual pre!eren#e an( then rut like stoats !or a (ay or t8o& all it #harity& +ut i! that (oesn't snap the9 out o! their (ol(ru9s5 oh 8ell& We''e (one 8hat 8e #an !or the9& 6y theory as to 8hy !i'e +rits are :ugo no9inees !or best no'el is pretty si9ple" lea'ing asi(e ele#toral noise like Hho9eto8nH bias an( real or i9agine( personal relationships 8ith the author5 the !i'e books no9inate( are =ust really good boo"s& This is o! #ourse begging the @uestion as to why they're so goo(5 but =ust as A9eri#an authors #an ha'e 9any reasons !or slu9ping at the 9o9ent5 these +ritish authors #an ha'e 9yria( reasons !or being at the top o! their ga9e5 possibly so9e relating to nationality but other !a#tors ha'ing little or nothing to (o 8ith it at all& *t's !un to as#ribe an o'erar#hing reason !or the in#lusion o! these !i'e parti#ular books5 to try to i9pose so9e sort o! uni!or9 #ausality& +ut ulti9ately these rationales aren't going to pan out& 3##a9's Fa$or returns us to the Hreally goo( bookH theory& *t 8orks !or 9e& EEE The ne4t pie#e you #an see as a #o9panion pie#e to HS#ien#e Fi#tion 3utrea#hH? sa9e i(eas5 9any o! the sa9e e4a9ples5 but a slightly (i!!erent en( point&?%S

The &yth of the Science Fiction &onoculture

0Augu!t 2' 233<5

A nu9ber o! people ha'e 8ritten to alert 9e to Fobert I&%& Iillhe!!er's re'ie8 o! 4ld &an!s %ar Aa9ong a nu9ber o! other booksB in the Septe9ber 200. issue o! Fantasy D Science Fiction5 8ith the inti9ation that the re'ie8 is so9ething o! a sla9& Well5 o! #ourse5 * lo'e goo( sla95 so * #he#ke( it out an( 8as bitterly (isappointe( to (is#o'er it 8as a per!e#tly reasonable re'ie8> Iillhe!!er ga'e points !or style AHS#al$i's straight!or8ar(5 9us#ular prose an( tightly !o#use( pa#ing yiel( an un(eniable pageturner5H 8hi#h * i9agine 8oul( be the 9oney shot @uote !or Tor's 9arketing !olksB but (e(u#ts points !or substan#e or la#k thereo! AHbut it a9ounts to little 9ore than a !i4 !or the :einlein =unkieH?not a 9oney @uote5 although *'9 sure an a9bitious 9arketeer #oul( 9ake those last si4 8or(s 8ork 8ith the =u(i#ious use o! an e4#la9ation 9arkB& That's !air& The only @uibble * ha'e 8ith the re'ie8 is the last senten#e AH*! 4ld &an!s %ar is to(ay's ans8er to The Forever %ar5 it suggests a #reeping super!i#iality in N&S& s#ien#e !i#tion?the triu9ph o! nostalgia an( pasti#he o'er !resh in'entionHB an( that on a te#hni#ality> 36W #an't be an Hans8erH to The Forever %ar i! !or no other reason than *''e ne'er rea( that parti#ular book& * keep 9eaning to?he#k5 * e'en bought it re#ently ?but ha'en't& *t's on 9y Hto (oH list5 but * ha'e a no'el to bang through !irst& *n any e'ent5 inas9u#h as *''e #heer!ully an( !re@uently a(9itte( ransa#king :einlein's bag o! tri#ks !or 36W5 * #an har(ly #o9plain 8hen so9eone #riti#i$es 9e !or (oing so& Li'e by the +ob5 (ie by the +ob& An( i! you're si#k o! the :einlein in!luen#e on s#ien#e !i#tion5 as Iillhe!!er appears to be5 it's per!e#tly reasonable to be un(er8hel9e( by 36W& As !or the book suggesting #reeping super!i#iality5 8ell& * 8oul( pre!er it to be #hara#teri$e( as suggesting #on!i(ently sauntering super!i#iality5 as sauntering is 9ore !un than #reeping Aan( easier on the kneesB& +ut 8hat #an you (o& Where Iillhe!!er an( * part #o9pany philosophi#ally is in his o'erar#hing #on#eit !or the re'ie85 in 8hi#h Iillhe!!er so9e8hat guiltily a(9its that NS SF 8riters =ust aren't getting the =ob (one !or hi9 any9ore5 so he's stepping out 8ith the +rits5 8ho see9 to

hi9 to be as (angerous an( e4#iting an( !or8ar(-thinking as the NS 8riters are #on'entional an( ba#k8ar(-looking& This has been a topi# o! #on'ersation here be!ore5 so * (on't !eel the nee( to re'isit it in any (epth5 but 8hat got 9e #he8ing the insi(e o! 9y #heek in thought!ul irritation 8as Iillhe!!er's su99ation paragraph5 8hi#h rea(s" SF5 e'en 9ore than other literary 8orkspa#es5 #annot a!!or( to get 9ire( in nostalgia an( an#estor 8orship& The s! o! earlier perio(s shoul( be treasure(5 rea( an( re-rea( !or the pleasures an( spirit only it pro'i(es& +ut 8e #annot re#reate it5 an( 8e shoul( not try5 no 9atter ho8 (isappointing the (e'elop9ents o! the past !e8 (e#a(es 9ight see9& *t's ti9e to let :einlein rest5 an( (is#o'er our o8n !uture& So !ar it appears that N&I& 8riters #o9e better prepare( to #reate t8enty-!irst-#entury s!& +ut there's no reason N&S& 8riters #annot (o as 9u#h5 i! only they'll turn their ga$es !ro9 the past an( look to to(ay?an( to9orro8& rap& For t8o reasons" So9eone 8ho likes the #lean an( bree$y 'igor o! NS-bre( #onte9porary SF but (is!a'ors the pretentious o'errea#hing t8a((le o! #onte9porary NI SF nee( only s8it#h the positions o! HN&S&H an( HN&IH in that paragraph5 an( then repla#e H:einleinH 8ith HNe8 Wa'e5H to ha'e a#hie'e( the e@ual an( opposite Aan(5 in#i(entally5 e@ually spe#iousB #on#lusion& *t A@uite possibly unintentionallyB perpetuates the 9yth o! the s#ien#e !i#tion 9ono#ulture5 in 8hi#h all s#ien#e !i#tion books are rea( by the sa9e in#lusi'e set o! rea(ers5 rea( in the sa9e 9anner5 an( all the rea(ers ha'e the sa9e set o! e'aluati'e #riteria& They're not5 they aren't5 an( they (on't& No85 on#e it's put out there in this 8ay5 the point see9s ob'ious& +ut sin#e * see the SF 9ono#ulture 8orl('ie8 pop-up o'er an( o'er an( o'er again5 it 9ust not be as ob'ious as it shoul( be5 so let's go ahea( an( a((ress it& For our illustrati'e purposes5 let's take 4ld &an!s %ar an( harlie Stross' *ccelerando' 8hi#h Iillhe!!er @uite rightly gushes o'er in his re'ie8 arti#le5 be#ause it is5 as the ki(s no longer say5 teh r<..<r& +oth o! these books are un(eniably #urrent an( #onte9porary s#ien#e !i#tion5 an( it's !air to say that the t8o books ha'e a !air a9ount o! potential rea(er o'erlap& They're both shakin' their booties on the s#ien#e !i#tion roa(& That being sai(5 it's also abun(antly #lear that 8hile they're on the sa9e roa(5 they're also 8orking (i!!erent si(es o! the street& * take a ba#k seat to no one in singing the praises o! *ccelerando5 8hi#h * think is =ust a tre9en(ous s#ien#e !i#tion no'el5 !ull o! the things that 9ake you go hmmm' s#ien#e !i#tionally speaking& They 9ight as 8ell =ust announ#e harlie's :ugo no9ination !or it so the rest o! us #an go about our li'es& :a'ing sai( that5 i! so9eone #a9e up to 9e an( sai(5 H* (on't rea( 9u#h s#ien#e !i#tion?he#k5 * (on't rea( any?but * think * ought to #he#k it out& :o8 about this oneJH an( then hel( up *ccelerando !or 9e to see5 * 8oul( probably suggest against it5 !or the sa9e reason *'( suggest against putting a =et engine on a +ig Wheel& *ccelerando is high-o#tane geekery5 real inner#ir#le stu!!5 an( you nee( to 8ork up to it& +y the sa9e token5 i! the guy 8ho's ho9ebre8e( his o8n !lash 9e9ory-base( 9ulti9e(ia player so he #an en=oy his 3gg Oorbis !iles?you kno85 the guy 8hose shirt has the Linu4 penguin so(o9i$ing +ill <ates?#o9es o'er an( asks 9e i! 4ld &an!s %ar has got the blee(ing e(ge goo(s he's looking !or5 the ans8er *''e got to gi'e is5

8ell5 no5 al9ost #ertainly not& *ccelerando!s an( 4ld &an!s %ar!s au(ien#es o'erlap5 but they are not the sa9e& Nor5 * i9agine5 8ere the books 8ritten 8ith the sa9e au(ien#e in 9in(& As *''e note( be!ore regar(ing 4ld &an!s %ar" The book is in !a#t intentionally 8ritten 8ith non-s#ien#e !i#tion rea(ers in 9in(& WhyJ Well5 it's si9ple" * 8ant a 8hole lot o! rea(ers5 an( * (on't 8ant to gi'e potential rea(ers outsi(e the sphere o! SF the e4#use o! thinking the book is going to be ina##essible to the9& Look5 *'9 not a snob& *'9 in this !or the 9ass 9arket5 an( * 8ant to nab rea(ers 8ho (on't typi#ally ha'e s#ien#e !i#tion as part o! their rea(ing (iet& An( as it happens5 that's 8here Aane#(otallyB a signi!i#ant portion o! 36W sales ha'e gone?thanks to *nstapun(it an( other non-SF bloggers 8ho 8ere enthusiasti# about the book an( re#o99en(e( it5 a large nu9ber o! books got into the han(s o! people 8ho rea( s#ien#e !i#tion sel(o9 or not at all& A large nu9ber o! rea(ers o! 9y o8n sites 8ere also not regular SF rea(ers but bought the book be#ause they 8ere !a9iliar 8ith 9y 8riting online& When Tor an( * o!!ere( up !ree e-books o! 36W to sol(iers in *ra@ an( A!ghanistan5 people bought the book be#ause * 8as supporting the troops& *''e got a !e8 (o$en e-9ails !ro9 people 8ho rea( the book that say H* (on't usually rea( s#ien#e !i#tion5 but * rea( your book&H Naturally5 * en#ourage( the9 to start the SF habit& *'ll lea'e it to harlie to note 8ho he i9agine( his au(ien#e 8oul( be5 but * suspe#t he 8oul( grant that *ccelerando 8as 8ritten 8ith alrea(y enthusiasti# s#ien#e !i#tion rea(ers in 9in(5 i! !or no other reason than 9u#h o! the book 8as originally publishe( as short stories in s#ien#e !i#tion 9aga$ines5 8hi#h i9pli#itly a((ress an enthusiast au(ien#e& This is not to suggest *ccelerando!s a #ult ite9 or has li9ite( appeal? harlie's 9a(e *ccelerando a !ree (o8nloa( online5 a!ter all5 8hi#h has gotten the book in !ront o! ten o! thousan(s Ai! not hun(re(s o! thousan(sB o! eyeballs5 an( the book's A9a$on ranking is pretty s8eet at the 9o9ent& harlie naturally 8ants rea(ers5 an( lots o! the95 an( it looks like he's getting the9& +ut * suspe#t harlie kno8s the 9a=ority o! those eyeballs are atta#he( to SF geeks& AN+" * #oul( be 8rong on this? harlie 9ay ha'e in !a#t been 8riting !or s! ne8bies an( gran(9others& Ask hi9;B * sub9it to you that *ccelerando is 8ell-nigh per!e#t> there's 'ery little * 8oul( #hange about it A9ore lobsters& That's about itB& *t's also not !or e'eryone5 an( not e'en !or e'eryone 8ho regularly rea(s s#ien#e !i#tion& * think 4ld &an!s %ar is !airly (e#ent5 too> it's also not !or e'eryone5 an( not e'en !or e'eryone 8ho regularly rea(s s#ien#e !i#tion& What both books (o 'ery strongly is engage their au(ien#es5 an( gi'e the9 a satis!ying rea(ing e4perien#e?an( that is both healthy !or the authors Ahello;B an( !or the genre in general5 sin#e people 8ho ha'e been (one 8ell by s#ien#e !i#tion 8ill seek it out again& There's #learly roo9 !or both our books5 sin#e both ha'e been publishe(? in the sa9e year5 e'en;?an( both appear to be selling briskly& harlie's bran( o! s#ien#e !i#tion isn't #ro8(ing out 9ine5 or 'i#e-'ersa& We li'e in har9ony an( lo'e& S#ien#e !i#tion e9phati#ally (oesn't nee( a 9ono#ulture5 either in the literature or in the approa#h to that literature& There's no better 8ay to kill it (ea( an( to assure no one is le!t to 9ourn the ashes& What it nee(s?an( 8hat the range o! titles note( =ust in Iillhe!!er's arti#le alone suggests it alrea(y has?is a 9ulti#ulture that gro8s the

au(ien#e !or s#ien#e !i#tion by gi'ing that au(ien#e 8hat it 8ants & & &8hate'er it is that it 8ants& S#ien#e !i#tion nee(s the NS :einlein re'i'alists an( it nee(s the NI !earless !uturists an( it nee(s all the authors in the #ontinuu9 bet8een the95 an( those orthogonal to the9 as 8ell& What you ask o! all o! these authors is si9ply that they 8rite good books5 the sort o! books that 9ake the rea(ers go HThank you; 6ay * ha'e anotherJH To 8hi#h the ans8er is" HYes; What 8oul( you like this ti9eJH An( then you give it to the9& That!s ho8 you #reate s#ien#e !i#tion in the t8enty-!irst #entury5 an( keep it rolling to8ar( the t8enty-se#on(&

A!i$o" an the Cleti

0&arch 4' 233<5

The Web site +oing +oing pointe( to a #a#he o! #o9puter a(s !ro9 the ,/70s an( 20s yester(ay> one in parti#ular #aught 9y eye5 o! *saa# Asi9o'5 si(eburne( an( his nose all shiny5 blan(ly e4tolling the 'irtues o! the TFS20 #o9puter !ro9 Fa(io Sha#k against a (ark5 bare ba#kgroun(& Why (i( it #at#h 9y eyeJ :ere's 8hy" * ha'e !on( 9e9ories o! being ,2 years ol( an( !i((ling aroun( 8ith the TFS-20 6o(el *** at the <len(ora Publi# Library5 8riting little +AS* progra9s into the #o9puter& * 8as @uite the pre-teen +AS* progra99er5 8hi#h is to be un(erstoo( as being the #o9puter e@ui'alent o! saying H* 8as @uite the ar#hite#t 8ith Lin#oln Logs&H Fro9 ti9e to ti9e * think about buying one o!! o! e+ay !or nostalgia 'alue5 but sin#e * alrea(y ha'e a #loset !ull o! 20s ele#troni# paraphernalia sitting there nostalgi#ally5 * (oubt * #an =usti!y the pur#hase o! yet another lu9p o! 20s plasti#& 6ore's the pity& *! an art (ire#tor to(ay trie( to get a8ay 8ith the sort o! photo that's in this a('ertise9ent5 his ass 8oul( be so !ire(& A ba#kgroun( the #olor o! bloo(y 9u(J The greasy shine on Asi9o''s !a#eJ Asi9o''s aptain Iangaroo-like suitJ Fire(5 !ire(5 fired& You 8oul(n't e'en use so9ething like this !or a lo#al a(5 9u#h less one in a national a('ertise9ent #a9paign& 3ur #urrent #ulture has its ups an( (o8ns5 but at the 'ery least it's not as estheti#ally #hallenge( as it 8as a @uarter #entury ago& 1& Looking at the pi#ture o! *saa# Asi9o'5 by the 8ay5 re9in(s 9e that * a#tually (on't ha'e a goo( i(ea o! 8hat his !a#e looks like?The 9an !or 9e 8as al8ays #hara#teri$e( by his hair5 glasses an( goo!y si(eburns& Fe9o'e his la9b#hops in parti#ular5 an( he looks =ust like any other s#h9oe& You ha'e to think Asi9o'5 not a stupi( 9an by any stret#h5 8as 8ell a8are that his (istin#ti'e look ha( at least something to (o 8ith his notoriety> be#ause o! it he's in the #olle#ti'e sub#ons#ious as the (e!ault i9age !or Hs#ien#e !i#tion 8riter5H not unlike the 8il(-haire( )instein is the (e!ault !or Hs#ientist&H No8 that * think o! it5 i! you 8ere to gi'e ol' Albert a hair#ut an( tri9 o!! his 'sta#he5 * 8oul(n't ha'e the slightest i(ea 8hat he!d look like5 either& So a hint !or all 8oul(-be s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters" i! you 8ant to be kno8n outsi(e

geek #ir#les5 8ork on so9e really (istin#ti'e hair5 or5 possibly5 la#k thereo!& As it stan(s5 at the 9o9ent * #an't think o! any truly (istin#ti'e-looking s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters e4#ept !or possibly Neil <ai9an5 8ho's got an H* use( to be the bassist !or )#ho an( the +unny9enH sort o! look about hi9 Ashut up& *t's a #o9ple9ent& )#ho an( the +unny9en roc"edB5 an( then hina 6ie'ille5 8ho's got that H6r& leanH look o! his going on5 an( 8ho in general is so !ar o!! the attra#ti'eness bell #ur'e !or s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters that * suspe#t the actual hina 6ie'ille is a troll-like guy in a (ank roo9 8ho sen(s this !or9er #o9petiti'e s8i99er out to (o his personal appearan#es5 an( !ee(s hi9 (ialogue through a #o#hlear i9plant& A(9it it5 H hinaH;; +ut yeah5 asi(e !ro9 <ai9an an( H hina5H there's not a s#ien#e !i#tion author that you #oul( re#ogni$e !ro9 ten yar(s out& 7& Asi(e the Asi9o''s la9b#hop issue5 (8ell on the !a#t that there's not a #han#e in hell that any 9a=or #onsu9er-oriente( #orporation 8oul( e'en thin" to use a s#ien#e !i#tion author to pro9ote their 8ares these (ays5 not e'en Fa(io Sha#k5 8ho o! late has been using :o8ie Long an( Teri :at#her to 9o'e their #rap& We kno8 they both #an read5 but other than that their literary talents are probably 9o(est at best& Part o! this has to (o 8ith no8 li'ing in an estheti#ally-9in(e( era Asee points t8o an( three abo'eB5 but the other part o! it is si9ply that there's no s#ien#e !i#tion author 8ho is #urrently su#h a part o! the national #on'ersation that he or she is seen as use!ul to push pro(u#t& Whi#h is too ba(& Not that * ne#essarily 8ant to see5 say5 ory Do#toro8 popping up to e4toll the 'irtues o! Sni#kers5 or hina 6ie'ille 8ith5 8ell5 6r& lean5 although in ea#h #ase the 9in( giggles like a s#hoolgirl to i9agine su#h a thing& What *'9 saying is that it 8oul( be ni#e i! there were so9e s#ien#e !i#tion 8riter 8ho e'en the leti Aplural o! letus5 per H letus the Sla#k=a8e( YokelH !ro9 The SimpsonsB kne8 o!5 e'en i! they ha(n't rea( his 8ork& +e#ause that 8oul( 9ean s#ien#e !i#tion5 as a literature5 8oul( a#tually ha'e its han( in the national #on'ersation5 an( asi(e the Star %ars 9e(ia no'els5 it's not entirely apparent that 8e (o& *t's not =ust s#ien#e !i#tion5 9in( you& There are (epressingly !e8 s#ientists 8ho rate in the national #on'ersation5 either" We''e got Stephen HThe Wheel#hair Du(eH :a8king5 an( then nothing& This is a #hange !ro9 e'en a @uarter #entury ago5 8hen you ha( arl Sagan pinging the leti A8areness Fa(ar& No8 asi(e !ro9 :a8king5 8ho's not e'en A9eri#an5 the #losest thing 8e''e got to a leti-pinging s#ientist is +ill <ates5 an( i! he's a s#ientist5 *'9 a pony& ASte'e %obs isn't a s#ientist either5 people& A real s#ientist 8oul(n't 8ork hi9sel! into paro4ys9s o! =oy o'er !lash 9e9ory&B No85 this absen#e is so9e8hat relate( to the !a#t that there are no8 lots o! people 8orking o'erti9e in the A9eri#an #ulture to suggest that people 8ho belie'e in e'olution an( the big bang also 8ant to 9an(ate !or#e( (o8nloa(s o! #hil( porn into your #o9puter an( gi'e terrorists the key to your house& *t's 9il(ly 8orrying that s#ientists ha'en't !oun( a 8ay to #ounter this sort o! thing& *! they #an sen( a 9an to the 9oon5 they shoul( be able to point out 8hen so9eone is a #o9plete !argin' i(iot an( ha'e it sti#k& So9ething !or the brainia#s to 8ork on5 in any e'ent& Asking that s#ientists an( s#ien#e !i#tion 8riters o##upy a #entral role in A9eri#an #ultural li!e 9ight be a little 9u#h to ask !or5 but * (on't think it 8oul( be ba( !or at least one or t8o o! the9 to be re#ogni$e( on sight by the a'erage %oe& *t 9ay re@uire la9b#hop si(eburns5 but one o! us shoul( be 8illing to 9ake the sa#ri!i#e& * suggest 8e

(ra8 stra8s&

Ackno(le ge$ent!
Don't 8orry5 this 8ill be painless& First5 thanks to +ill S#ha!er an( Subterranean Press !or putting out this book& Subterranean is a great pla#e to be publishe(5 an( * re#o99en( the e4perien#e !or any 8riter& Se#on(5 thanks to the 9any 8riters na9e( in this book an( its entries Ain#lu(ing the ones in the #atty #hapterB !or gi'ing 9e so9ething to blather on about& Thir(5 thanks to the rea(ers o! the Whate'er 8ho aske( !or this book5 an( 8ho ha'e gi'en 9e an e4#use to 8rite about 8riting o'er the years& Fourth5 thanks to Iristine an( Athena S#al$i& Finally5 thank you& No5 no& Seriously&