A CHRIST-CENTERED ETHIC FOR DATING

Final Paper

Submitted to Dr. Steve Tracy

Phoenix Seminary

Scottsdale, Arizona

In Partial Fulfillment

of the Requirements for

TH 506 Contemporary Moral Issues

by

Justin G. W. Bellars

December 5, 2005
 Though marriage is one of the first concepts established in the Bible 1 , the road

that a man and woman travel to arrive at the ceremony is somewhat of a mystery 2 . The

Biblical record indicates that marriages were often negotiated within the established

customs or traditions of the culture in which they took place 3 . Every culture seems to

have a different model by which they arrive at marriage. The current standard in

postmodern America would appear to be that of dating, whereas a seemingly growing

subculture within the American church gravitates towards the practice of courting. Some

would argue that courting is just a term resuscitated for differentiating “purposeful” (i.e.

marriage-oriented) dating from casual dating 4 . Neither dating nor courting are inherently

biblical concepts, though there appears to be a growing debate between proponents of

both, that would argue over which is a more God-honoring method of conducting

oneself in relationships with the opposite sex. My contention is that the manner in which

we arrive at selecting a potential mate, pursuing them, and ultimately stepping towards

marriage with that individual should flow out of our relationship with God. The

preeminence 5 of Christ in our lives, that tempers all we do and checks our attitudes

against His Spirit within us, should be the gauge by which we are able to determine

whether or not our ethic toward dating, or any other contemporary moral issue, is in fact

Christian. Everything we do in the Christian life, including dating, should be done in

faith 6 as unto the Lord 7 .

I was awkwardly blindsided by the concept of courting. I had no idea it was a

growing movement within the American church. Outside of Victorian tales from another

1
Gen. 2:25, Heb. 13:4, 1 Cor. 7:38, Rev. 19:7
2
Prov. 30:18-19
3
Gen. 29:26; Gen. 34:11-12; Gen. 24:4
4
Josh Harris, Boy Meets Girl, 33-34
5
Col. 1:18
6
Rom. 14:22-23
7
Col. 3:17
time, it seemed unfathomable that enough people would have revived the concept such

that it would be considered a viable alternative to contemporary dating. I was, however

disturbed to discover that proponents of the courting movement maintain such claims

as, “dating is practice for divorce”; the heart of man, even believers, is evil and not to be

trusted 8 ; that the emotional pain derived from dating relationships can be avoided by

courting; and that there are certain rules of conduct to which one must adhere in order

to honor God in our male/female relationships. I believe that some key assertions made

by courting proponents are based on inherently flawed arguments, although I do not

believe that the concept of courting itself is good or bad. Courting can be a valid

relational tool that has the potential to be used for the glory of God. My concern is,

however, that in its current incarnation it seems to be misapplied. Whether we, as

Christians, initiate a relationship through dating or courting, we cannot place our faith in

the method through which we build a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

We cannot rely on a system over Christ, for conceiving and nurturing a Christ-centered

relationship with any individual in our lives, especially someone who has the potential to

be a marriage partner.

If any initiative in our lives flows out of anything other than our relationship with

God, it would seem that the Christian ethic for it is lost. It is the centrality of Christ in the

life of the believer that sets Christian ethics apart from any secular conceptualization of

morality. Norman Geisler does a fairly extensive job explaining the premises of various

ethical systems in Christian Ethics and analyzing the advantages and deficiencies of

each of the systems. Of all the ethical systems that are examined in his treatment of the

subject, one thing is clear – they are all noticeably inadequate. Not one of the ethical

models seems even remotely able to capture the mind of God in its attempt to reduce

8
Josh Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, 137.
morality to a mechanized system. This is another example of how man attempts to

reduce the unfathomable nature of God’s wisdom 9 to a digestible set of principles or

formulas, in order to make life manageable, predictable, and tame. An ethic devoid of

Christ may be secularly “moral”, if indeed such a thing exists, but it falls far short of the

example of Christ which His followers are called to emulate. To illustrate the point, by

omitting the centrality of Christ in a sermon that preaches the ethical commands of the

Bible, though it may still appear moral, if it could just as easily be preached in a Mormon

temple, Orthodox Jewish synagogue, or Islamic mosque, it not only ceases to be a

sermon, it is reduced to merely becoming a speech; in a more emphatic way, however,

it ceases to be “Christian” 10 altogether. To apply a Christian ethic to male/female

relational dealings, as Christ-followers, our methods for initiating and conducting

relationships with the opposite sex should take on a completely Christ-centered form.

This may seem a lofty goal, but just as the Word of God is Christocentric, being inspired

by the Holy Spirit of God, our lives, as followers of Christ, have likewise been made

“new” when God breathed new life into us by the indwelling of His Holy Spirit. Our lives

should conform to a Christocentric configuration evidenced by the “fruit” of every aspect

of our lives, including our conduct in dating or courting relationships.

What does it look like to have a Christ-centered life? The primary mission of the

New Covenant seems intrinsically geared towards illustrating what a Christ-centered life

looks like. Just as a sermon lacking a Christ-centered message ceases to be either a

sermon or Christian in its composition, I likewise believe that a moral life that doesn’t

flow out of the preeminence of Christ is something less than a “Christian” life. I believe

the Christ-centered life produces noticeable outpourings referred to in Scripture as the

fruit of the Spirit. We are told that the primary distinguishing characteristic, or “fruit”,
9
1 Cor 1:20
10
Arturo G. Azurdia III, Spirit Empowered Preaching, 75.
borne of the Christ-centered life is love 11 . In his first treatise to the Corinthian church,

Paul describes the characteristics of that love. He describes a love that is patient and

kind; not envious, boastful, arrogant or rude; not insistent on its own way; not irritable or

resentful; a love that does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. This

Christocentric love, “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures

all things” 12 . Christian behaviors depicted in the epistles are descriptions of a Christ-

centered life, not a new law which prescribes a new and improved laundry list of do’s

and don’ts for those who designate themselves “Christians”. It is equally important to

note that the fruit of the Spirit and the characteristics of Christian love are not goals after

which a follower of Christ strives, but are evidence, even by-products, of the authentic

Christian life.

Though we are presented with the Christocentric model in the New Covenant, to

which our new lives in Christ are intended to conform, we are simultaneously cautioned

that it is plagued by the unrelenting interference of sin 13 . Specifically, it is the sin which

resides in our flesh that contaminates our walk 14 . Our flesh is the only component of our

beings, as followers of Christ, which remains unregenerate in this life 15 . In Romans 7,

Paul writes of his struggles against the desires of the flesh, and in doing so makes a

valuable observation. It is no longer him, nor us who engage in sin as followers of

Christ, but rather sin dwelling in our flesh 16 . Of the God-honoring intentions expressed

in Josh Harris’ books on courting, as a chief proponent of courting, he commits a gross

disservice toward the body of Christ, in making the assertion that the heart of the

believer is inherently evil and not to be trusted. The source of our corruption is thus

11
John 13:35; 1 John 4:8
12
1 Cor. 13:4-7
13
Rom. 7
14
Rom. 7:20
15
1 Cor. 15:35-49
16
Rom. 7:17
falsely attributed to something which God has made new within believers 17 , instead of

being more accurately ascribed to that part of our person which we will leave behind in

the resurrection 18 . John Eldredge makes the statement, “too many Christians today are

living under the Old Covenant,” in reference to the overuse of Jeremiah 17:9, which is

used to convince Christians that their hearts are deceitfully wicked. Such is my

contention with Mr. Harris’ theology which undergirds the fabric of his courtship doctrine.

It is a blatantly fallacious hermeneutic that would take a passage, such as Jeremiah

17:9, describing the heart of unregenerate man prior to the coming of Christ, and

misapply it to those whose hearts the Lord has presently seen fit to indwell with His Holy

Spirit 19 . Later in the book of Jeremiah, God proclaims the cure for the wicked heart,

stating that He will put His precepts in our minds and write them on our hearts 20 . This is

the reality of what Paul refers to as the circumcision of the heart by the Spirit 21 . John

Eldredge contends that the big lie in the church today is that we are nothing more than

sinners saved by grace. He argues we are much more than that – we are new creations

in Christ. 22 This is a reaffirmation of Paul’s epistles to the Church. It is not our hearts

that are the problem, but the sin of our flesh, a fallen, sinful world, and the enemy of

God with which we must contend as believers.

A view that promotes self-effort over the message of grace is a far cry from a

Christocentric viewpoint, and therefore necessitates differentiation from what I endeavor

to define as a Christian ethic for dating. In addition to basing his writings on the false

assumption that a Christian individual needs to protect him or herself from a perpetually

wicked heart, Josh Harris’ writings presume that the behaviors of the individual are

17
Ezek. 11:19, Ezek. 18:31, Ezek. 36:26
18
1 Cor. 15
19
Rom. 5:5 (… God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit…)
20
Jer. 31:33
21
Rom. 2:29
22
John Eldredge, Wild at Heart, 144.
instrumental in containing and controlling the sinfulness of the heart. He suggests

following various steps to “get on track with God’s plan”, and suggests ways of

achieving a Godly lifestyle. Furthermore, Mr. Harris suggests endeavoring to busy

oneself out of a desire to please God 23 . Whether intended or not, this would seem to

espouse a performance-oriented Gospel, in which the individual’s actions, rather than

God’s Holy Spirit direct us as believers through the sanctification process. We are told

that when we receive the Holy Spirit, we will be guided in all truth 24 . Attempting to

“manage” our lives, circumstances, or relationships, is to usurp the role of the Spirit in

the life of the believer. It would be pharisaical to emphasize personal effort and

achievement over the primacy of God’s love found in the gospel of grace 25 .

The fruit of the spirit includes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control 26 . To attempt to produce that fruit apart from

the Spirit is another example of a performance-oriented misrepresentation of the

Christian life. To see the fruit of the Spirit manifested in your relationships, they need to

flow out of our relationship with Christ. Why are we anxious, why are we continually

striving? In Matthew 6:33, we are given a response to our anxiety and striving for things

in this world: “…seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these

things will be added to you“. Perhaps more than anything, the notion that conforming to

a set of artificial guidelines to exude some sense of holiness, speaks to a lack of trust in

the Holy Spirit to work through us, guide us in our endeavors and manifest in us the

attributes of someone with a heart that has been fully given over to God. What appears

to be a clear lack of both trust and Christ-centeredness remains my contention with

those who would argue that a rule-based, performance-oriented courting methodology

is an intrinsically holy method to approaching relationships between men and women.

23
Josh Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Ch. 12
24
John 16:13
25
Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child, p. 86
26
Gal. 5:22-23
 Often times, it seems we fail to recognize that God is relational in His dealings

with man. In stark contrast, there inevitably seem to appear those theologies and

religious practices that arise out of a view that attempts to reduce God to more of a

mechanical, impersonal being, rather than a relational person. This undermines the

biblical teaching that we as human-beings are image-bearers of Christ. Our identity in

Christ is fundamental. We cannot afford to miss the liberating message of the Gospel,

which asserts that our identity is in the eternal, rather than the temporal things of this

life. In Abba’s Child, Brennan Manning goes to detailed lengths to drive home the

concept that our identity as children of God is derived from our spiritual relationship with

the Father. He states, “…the noblest aspiration and the most demanding task of our

lives is to become like Christ.” We need to take that identity into every part of our lives

and apply its truth. It is by the Spirit of God that we receive that message, just as it is by

the power of the Spirit of God that we are transformed by it.

There is a sense that the average Christian man and woman that you encounter

in American culture are something less than they were designed to be. The typical

Christian male has been emasculated, stripped of his passion, left bored and

domesticated. Ask a Christian male what message the church sends him about who he

is supposed to be and it will probably amount to something along the lines of a “really

nice guy”. John Eldredge recalls a Christian man in his fifties who spoke of trying for 20

years to be a “good man”, as the church would define it. When asked what exactly that

was, his reply was, “dutiful … and separated from his heart” 27 . I would have to agree

with him, that it is as sad as it is unbiblical, yet, that is a perfect description of what we

see. I find there to be an unfortunate parallel between this distorted view of what

constitutes a Christian man and tenets of the courting movement. In a like manner, the

27
John Eldredge, Wild at Heart, 7.
Christian females tend to be also driven to an overwhelming sense of duty. They shroud

themselves in busyness and church activities, unsure of their beauty, unsure of their

value, prone to hiding 28 . The problem with trying to be a “nice” person who is both

dutiful and separated from his or her heart, is that neither is Christ-centered nor an

identifiable outpouring of the Holy Spirit. Rather, these amount to caricatures of Biblical

masculinity and femininity and are directed by human expectations and effort.

Wild at Heart is John Eldredge’s attempt to identify those parts of a Christian

man’s life that apply to his identity in Christ and how that is key to the questions every

man struggles with about himself. Not only is the text about identifying who we are in

Christ, as men, but also those things that drive a man in his relationships and how they

relate to the example of God’s relationship to the body of Christ. We are cautioned

about the need to take questions about our masculinity, identity, and purpose to God,

whereas man seems to have a well-ingrained bent to misguidedly take his defining

questions to a woman or his career or something else other than his Creator. The

problem with which a man is faced is that when he takes his self-validating questions to

temporal things, he empowers those things or people with the ability to invalidate him as

well. To believe that one’s validity is contained in something that can be lost or whose

opinion can change as quickly as our own is a troubling prospect and a destructive way

to live. In a like manner, John and his wife Stasi Eldredge wrote Captivating to address

the struggles of the Christian woman, her questions about her value and beauty, as well

as the coping mechanisms she uses to medicate her insecurities. The purpose of both

works is to point men and women back to Christ, so that they can be caught up in

something grander than themselves, something for God’s glory, something they can be

passionate about, and something upon which they may embark together.

28
John & Stasi Eldredge, Captivating, 45.
 In his book, Boy Meets Girl, Josh Harris describes the worldly form of dating as a

“lifestyle of short-term relationships that is a detour from serving God as a single.” 29 Not

having been raised in the church, I find it difficult to understand how someone engaged

in a Christ-centered journey would intentionally pursue a lifestyle of distracting short-

term relationships for self-gratification or entertainment. It seems that early on in the

church Paul addressed those individuals who contemptuously viewed marriage as a

detour from serving God to the fullest of one’s potential 30 . Even having grown up

outside the church, I find it just as odd to assume that a non-believer would truly desire

a lifestyle of short-term relationships, expecting to gain some form of personal fulfillment

from transitory romantic relationships, though it would seem more plausible for a non-

believer. I am not sure if this speaks to my own naïveté or that of Mr. Harris’.

Nonetheless, it is clear that such a lifestyle does not speak to a clearly Christ-centric

lifestyle, if transitory relationships with members of the opposite sex, rather than an

individual’s relationship to Christ, form the foundation of an individual’s identity in life. I

therefore, do not believe that this is an accurate depiction of a Christian’s intentions

when pursuing a dating relationship.

Henry Cloud suggests that people need to be cured of the notion that the

purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner 31 . Dr. Cloud’s suggestion is an entirely

foreign concept to the tenets of courting, but speaks to the value of relationships that do

not culminate into a marriage. Dr. Cloud asserts that, “dating is as much about learning

what you need and want, and how you need to grow and change, as it is about finding

the ‘right’ person.” Recognizing who you are in Christ can sometimes be easily

processed intellectually, but challenging to assimilate at the level of the heart. It is in our

29
Josh Harris, Boy Meets Girl, 17.
30
1 Cor. 7
31
Dr. Henry Cloud, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, 33.
relationships with others that challenges arise to test how completely we live out of our

identity. Often the challenge is to maintain trust in the message of Christ over the lies

that the enemy sends us to doubt that identity. It is the insidious lies of the enemy, in the

form of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life 32 that cause us to

live and behave in ways that are inconsistent with our true identity. Perhaps nowhere in

life is our faith in our Christian identity challenged more than in our relationships with

members of the opposite sex. The Lord wants us to be ready for the work He’s prepared

in advance for us 33 , and that includes our relationships.

Essentially, what I propose as a Christian ethic for dating is the glorification of the

Lord 34 , whereby the purpose of our interpersonal relationships becomes something

more eternal in its breadth, rather than something temporal like marriage, happiness,

self-importance, or self-gratification. In his book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas

addresses the notion that marriage is more about a refining process designed to make a

couple holy, rather than achieving a state of wedded bliss. Though I concur with his

assertion, I would contend that that particular sentiment is not only true of a marriage

relationship, but also a dating relationship, if not any relationship. If our lives are truly

Christ-centered, every part of our lives, including our engagements, thoughts, and

desires would reflect that, and our relationships would be instrumental parts of the

sanctification process. In the Book of James, we are encouraged to consider it all joy

when we encounter trials of various kinds, knowing that the testing of our faith produces

endurance 35 . If this perspective is truly accepted, we would not shun the risky prospect

of enduring relational pain and rejection from a potential relationship, but would accept it

in all joy, knowing that the Lord can use it to our advantage when He is central in our

32
1 John 2:16
33
Christopher L. Burge & Pamela Touissaint, His Rules, 20; Ephesians 2:10
34
John Piper, Desiring God, Ch 1.
35
Jas. 1:2-3
lives. Our character cannot be tested and formed apart from living out of who we are in

Christ in the presence of others.

Terry Wardle contends that our lives are composed of three journeys, based on

his own observations of Christ’s life, as portrayed in the Gospels. The first, is an upward

journey, in which we commune with the Father; second is the inward journey, in which

we apply our identity in Christ to every part of who we are as an individual, and thirdly

the outward journey, in which we take our identity in Christ and live out of it in our

relationships with those around us in this world. We saw Jesus’ upward journey,

evidenced by the manifold times He approached His Father in prayer. We saw Jesus’

inward journey in the Garden of Gethsemane, in which He applied His identity to those

things He would have to endure for those He loved. Additionally, we saw His outward

journey in the teachings and miracles He revealed to those in the world. The Lord has

given us examples of the journeys we must make to follow Him and how it looks to have

God be the center of all activity in one’s life. In the Book of John, Christ declares 28

times how He only does that which the Father has revealed for Him to do. How many of

us even think to operate in such a way? I believe we can trust Jesus just as ruthlessly

as He trusted the Father when He went to the cross for us. I believe that we can trust

His examples and live in a radical way that flows more out of who we are than what we

think we should do.

In the Biblical example of Isaac and Rebekah, Abraham undertook the

responsibility for securing a bride for his son. The distinguishing feature of this example

of a situation that led to marriage was the overt desire to please the Lord by seeking out
a bride that would not sway his son from following the one true God, whom he served 36 .

Ravi Zacharias makes the point that when Abraham sent his servant to find his son a

wife, he was not the only one involved in the selection process, but, rather, it is pivotal

to note that God was concerned 37 . The method, that is the arrangement of the

marriage, was not what honored God, but rather the attitude of heart with which it was

conducted. It is important to note, that the Lord is never absent in any relationship,

situation, or location 38 . In applying that example to our own initiative to seek a mate or a

date, it is important to likewise pursue someone who belongs to the family of the one

true God, someone who will help and not hinder our relationship with the Lord. The

implication of Amos 3:3 is that two people can not take the journey in a relationship, let

alone a lifelong commitment together, if they are out of step directionally.

Jesus talked about loving God and loving others as ourselves 39 . Jesus gave us

an example of how to treat broken, disenfranchised people. He also exemplified how to

handle the proud and the self-righteous. We are to love the people, but challenge their

beliefs and attitudes, sharing our faith, our hope, and His love along the way. The love

that we share with people is not to be fabricated. If it is authentic, it will flow out of the

abundance of our relationship with Christ. Loving people into the kingdom of God is not

about performance, it is about sharing the truth in love 40 . The problem with human

affection is that it is performance-based 41 . Christ’s model of loving us is that He loved

us initially, specifically, and sacrificially 42 . Whether we are engaged in a friendship or a

romantic relationship with another person, our model for sharing the love of Christ with

36
Gen. 24:3-4
37
Ravi Zacharias, I, Isaac, take Thee, Rebekah, 19.
38
Ps. 139:7-9
39
Luke 10:27
40
Eph. 4:15
41
Rob Eagar, The Power of Passion, 19.
42
Rob Eagar, The Power of Passion, 23-25.
them is exemplified by Jesus Himself.

Our relationship with Christ precedes any other relationship in our lives. In order

for us to have strong, healthy, growing relationships with others, we must first have a

strong, healthy, growing relationship with Christ. This is not to negate the legitimacy of a

desire for a mate or date. Scripture clearly states that it is not good for man to be

alone 43 . Man and woman were created for a relationship with God, but as two distinct

aspects of being image-bearers of God, they were created for a relationship with each

other. We are social beings, and we are to take the love of Christ into the world around

us. Whether with a spouse, potential spouse, acquaintance, or friend, that extends to

anyone with whom we would seek a relationship.

John Eldredge identifies distinct roles that men and women were created to fill in

the story of life. The roles of each are extracted from examples given in the Scriptures.

He identifies a man’s story as having three essential elements, namely a battle to fight,

an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. Likewise, women are given a beauty to

reveal and an irreplaceable role to play in the adventure. Each is created with an

identity in a story that is bigger than them, bigger than anything they are or can be apart

from Christ. In a Christ-centric view these roles obviously apply to much more than a

dating relationship, yet at the same time, that does not negate the importance of those

roles ordained for men and women in the story of their dating relationships in this life.

Just as man and woman complement one another physically, we complement each

other spiritually, as well.

As men and women, we sometimes forget that we are both part of a fierce

spiritual battle. We have the same enemy to fight, though the specific battles may differ.

Those battles must be fought. Wounds must be risked in order to fully experience life. It

43
Gen. 2:18
is said that our wounds are given in the place of our true strength 44 , in the area of our

greatest potential strength. For many of us, our greatest wounds involve our

relationships with those of the opposite sex. Our attitudes must be challenged.

Companions must be encouraged. Our prayers need to be united. Prayer cannot be

neglected. None of these things can be done apart from God, if they are to make a

difference. We are never given a situation in the midst of all our battles that is too

daunting for the One who dwells in our hearts to accomplish 45 . We are equipped for the

roles we have been given when we are Christ-centered.

The Christian life is not one that was designed to minimize pain and/or suffering.

We are fore-warned, that if Christ endured abuse and slander, we, as His followers, can

anticipate suffering in a similar fashion. At the same time, we are told in the book of

James, that we are to consider it all joy when we endure trials of various kinds, knowing

that it tests our faith and produces endurance. Relational pain cannot be minimized or

managed, regardless of what rules or guidelines man sets forth, because of sin in this

world. If anything, the Christ-centered approach to relationships should reveal our utter

and complete dependence on God to guide and nurture our motives, our relationships,

and our lives. Our responsibility is to lay down our lives daily and crucify our flesh for

Him. Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus 46 .

In the Power of Passion, Rob Eagar discusses how the Lord has given each of

us unique preferences. Some of us are attracted to very specific characteristics in

members of the opposite sex, some physical, some spiritual, some intellectual, some

personality-related, etc. Some of us have preferences for brunettes over blondes, and

for some of us, the condition of an individual’s heart, and walk with God overrides

44
John Eldredge, Wild at Heart, 137.
45
1 John 4:4
46
John & Stasi Eldredge, Captivating, 206.
physical characteristics. There are certain things that we look for in a relationship, just

as there may be things we avoid. We have each been configured in ways we cannot

completely understand on this side of heaven. The eventual question that is presented

to us concerns whether or not the individual who attracts us is someone with whom we

want to spend the rest of our life. Perhaps one of the most important parts of this

process is determining if this is not merely a person to whom we are attracted, but

someone who could be our friend 47 .

Being Christ-centered in our relationships does not negate unique preferences

that each of us hold. The Holy Spirit imparts unique spiritual gifts to each of us, to fill a

unique function in the Body of Christ. None of the unique gifts imparted to any of us is

inherently more holy than another, merely different. Our preferences in regards to dating

relationships are to be directed under the power of the Holy Spirit, just as our unique

spiritual gifting. Paul states that every part of the Scriptures are inspired by the Holy

Spirit, while at the same time, it is evident that unique traits of the individuals who

penned them, such as their personalities and writing styles find their way into those

Scriptures. The uniqueness of each of those individuals in no way negates the

inspiration, inerrancy, or truthfulness of the messages that God intended to convey to

His people through those writings. In the same way, our personalities, preferences, and

mannerisms do not negate the ability of the Holy Spirit to flow through us and manifest

His work in our relationships.

If we are secure in our identity in Christ, we will approach relational challenges

knowing that their outcome does not affect who we are. In Philippians, we are told the

peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds

47
Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, Boundaries in Dating, Ch. 7
in Christ Jesus. The centrality of Christ in our lives necessarily has a direct impact on

how we interact with not only Him, but also with others, even how we internally dialogue

with ourselves. Recognizing our identity in Christ alleviates much of the shame and self-

contempt in which the enemy of our soul would prefer to have us drown. When we take

the question of our identity to the Lord and seek out the truths that He has to say about

us, it frees us to be who He created us to be. We must seek the counsel of the Lord first

and foremost 48 . Likewise, we must take stock in the wisdom of those around us who

exude the love of Christ 49 . When we fully subscribe to the revelation of who we are in

Christ, things that formerly would have amounted to seismic activity in our worlds will

become insignificant.

The centrality of Christ should make us responsive and adaptive to His will in our

lives. Sometimes there are things we did not cause in a relationship that are still our

responsibility to deal with 50 - other times ownership is entirely ours. Regardless of the

source, this will become easier to process when our focus is directed on glorifying

Christ. Sometimes, perhaps more often than not, things do not go as we plan, with

someone in whom we’ve taken an interest. Ultimately, the Lord has better plans for us

than we are able to conceive of in our own effort. In obedience to His will, we grow. In

defiance, we perish. The Lord often has far different timing than we do 51 for seeking the

things after which we endeavor. It may be a frightening prospect to be left without a

static mechanical solution or coping mechanism, yet this is a lesson which is gleaned,

often through harsh life experiences. Christ-centeredness, however, regardless of the

situation, keeps the focus off of us and our circumstances. It is never clarity that we

need in order to successfully engage in relational endeavors in our lives, it is a heroic

48
Ps. 16:7, 73:24
49
Prov. 15:22
50
Dr. Henry Cloud, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, 28-29.
51
Eccl. 3
courage to trust in the love of God regardless of the outcome 52 . When the Lord is our

constant companion, we need not fear whatever the day may bring 53 , for God has not

given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind54 .

I believe that by letting Christ assume the preeminent position in our lives, we

become free to date or court at our leisure. I say preeminent, in an effort to In fact, I

believe we can be confident enough in our identity in Christ to pursue a member of the

opposite sex in any manner that is not contrary to the nature of God or His Word. When

we walk in the power of His Spirit, we need not be burdened by a hedge of prescriptive

ordinances that dictate acceptable and unacceptable behavior. We become free to trust

the Lord to guide us in your dating or courting relationships, rather than rely on our own

ability to meet relational challenges or expectations. Whether we date or court, we must

do it in faith 55 as unto the Lord 56 if we are going to either at all.

52
Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust, 4.
53
Matt. 6:34
54
2 Timothy 1:7
55
Rom. 14:22-23
56
Col. 3:17
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