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Volume 126 Issue 99


Tuesday, April 1, 2014


to 5000 minutes and will cost five cents per minute. Students can purchase multiple plans throughout the semester through the optional fee page on the schools Enroll and Pay website. After using back door analytics to see how students spend most of their time when using campus Wi-Fi, it became increasingly clear that little to no school work is done during common class hours, and even less in the libraries after, Tech board president Dan Arnold said. It has been my stated goal since I took this position personality disorder. State psychiatrists say the suspect said he wanted to take the Vice Presidency, and are unsure if these thoughts are related to the attack. Full psychological evaluations of the suspect are still in progress. This is the first Netflix-related incident we have seen in the state, a psychiatrist said. Weve seen reports from the coasts recently, but we were not prepared for this in Lawrence. The Lawrence Police Department and the KU Public Safety Office are organizing a task force to help prevent any other House of Cards-related attacks. Authorities are concerned similar attacks may see an increase. We have heard threats of ricin poisoning among cigarette smokers, but we were convinced this was just a hoax, a Lawrence police officer explained. Now we might need to look into other avenues of investigation mostly likely related to Breaking Bad. Check back with the Kansan for further developments with this investigation.

the student voice since 1904


Bill Self revealed as Batman in off season


University to charge for Wi-Fi in Fall 2014

news@kansan.com In an effort to eliminate the use of non-academic Internet resources on campus, the University of Kansas technology board processed a bill on Monday establishing a restricted Wi-Fi service for all KU students. Starting in the fall of 2014, students will be required to purchase data plans in order to use the Internet via University channels, including ethernet and wireless access. Plans will range from 500 to focus solely on academics, and to see so few students hold up their end of the bargain is appalling.

tweet they send out. The swift action comes after three students were expelled for using their cellphones

Professors can rest assured: If their students are using computers during class, theyll be paying for every tweet they send. DAN ARNOLD Tech board president
during a midterm to Snapchat the tests answers to each other. While administrators cant completely curb this use of

Now our professors can rest assured: If their students are using computers during class, theyll be paying for every

non-academic websites, the hope is that students will have to budget their minutes and seriously think about what they use the Internet for. Kansas students are calling the move communistic and have started advocacy groups to fight the rule, such as Students Hate Internet Tracking. Its not the students fault that these professors and teaching assistants are boring as hell, S.H.I.T. member Zavie Goldenberg said. We fully understand that we are paying for these courses, however what we as students take away

from these classes arent the lessons learned, but the BuzzFeed quizzes completed. Is it more important to learn the economic history of Europe or which Game Of Thrones character you resemble most? Thats a question for the student body to decide. Members of KUs technology board feel quite comfortable that the new campus-wide rule wont be challenged saying, Those moronic students will get distracted by Reddit before they ever have a chance to figure out some type of plan to strike this down.

House of Cards inspires murder on Wescoe Beach

news@kansan.com Police are questioning a student, whose name is not being released, for a House of Cards-inspired homicide on campus. A male student was seen pushing a female student in front of a campus bus Monday. She was pronounced dead on the scene. I must get to the top, the student said when asked why he did it. Zoe was in the way. Authorities are still investigating the murder, although there were three witnesses who saw the attack clearly on Jayhawk Boulevard. One was a hotdog salesman who declined to comment. I just saw him running down the stairs with a crazy look in his eye, another witness said. He was specifically targeting a female student who was waiting for the bus then he just pushed her right in front of it. It was so quick and nonchalant. The suspects lawyer stated publicly that in the event of a trial, his client will plea insanity, saying he has multiple


A KU student was found dead on Wescoe beach Monday. Police are questioning another student about the House of Cards-inspired homicide. The Lawrence Police Department and the KU Public Safety Ofce are organizing a task force to help prevent any other House of Cards-related attacks.



Elementary eld trip ends at Hawk

news@kansan.com After a giddy afternoon of touching massive fossilized lizards, sipping Capri Suns crosslegged on a hard floor and arguing about whose dad could beat up whose, Mrs. Wellsworths second grade class marched confidently from the KU Natural History Museum down to Dollar Night at the Jayhawk Caf. The Grassylawn Elementary group, most of whom said they had been once or twice, but the last time is a little fuzzy, ha, sidled up to the line at 4 p.m. after stashing their lunchboxes in a bush next to the Beta house. Arnold Reynolds, an 8-year-old second grader, said he has never run into problems using his prized Nidoking Pokemon card at the entrance. I mean, I sort of have the same hair color and height as that Nidoking, so nine times out of 10, I feel like they dont really care that its a Florida Nidoking, Reynolds said as he shuffled his light-up Spi-

Second graders from Grassylawn Elementary attended Dollar Night at the Jayhawk Caf after a eld trip to the KU Natural History Museum.


derman velcroes excitedly. My only thing is the crazy amount of girls in there who are, like, in kindergarten. Come on, man thats a little creepy. Once inside, the group began trading in their juice boxes for test tube shots and Vegas bombs. Some of the more adventurous whippersnappers, such as second grade lovebirds Kylie Newstown and Freddie

April Fools!

Fitzgibbons, whose relationship recently progressed to the talking to one another stage, made a beeline for the boom boom room. I just love getting hyphy to

My only thing is the crazy amount of girls in there who are, like, in kindergarten. Come on, man thats a little creepy. ARNOLD REYNOLDS Second grader at Grassylawn Elementary
jams in that dark, dank cesspool of bacchanalian revelry, said Fitzgibbons, winner of this years Grassylawn Spelling Bee and spring writing contest. Newstown, handing her purple Dora the Explorer backpack off to a friend on the sidelines, offered her thoughts on the bars pros and cons. As long as you pregame it enough and dont actually

touch the seat when you use the bathroom, its totally a fun time, she said. Let me repeat that: Hover when you go pee, for the love of God. Newstown added that she does get a bit weirded out when older fifth grade boys stare at her and offer to buy her Soco Lime shots. Mrs. Wellsworth said she is not concerned her students may be learning bad habits by attending the bar. Lets face it, elementary school kids are going to find ways to drink anyway, she said. We might as well ensure they can chase vodka shots with the Juicy Juice they brought in their backpacks in a fun, social environment. A recent Gallup poll showed seven out of 10 Lawrence area elementary school students think sixth grade is wayyy too old to be in the Hawk.





All contents, unless stated otherwise, 2014 The University Daily Kansan

Dont Forget

Todays Weather

Chance of snow, thunderstorms and tornadoes.

HI: 88 LO: -15

Just dont even try to go to class.


NEWS MANAGEMENT Editor-in-chief Cadha Flanigan MacDuff Managing editor production Cher Horowitz Associate production editor Dee-va Associate digital media editor Flynn Grey III ADVERTISING MANAGEMENT Advertising director Sean Connery Sales manager Kolby Jack NEWS SECTION EDITORS News editor Mila Progo Associate news editor Forrest Appleton Sports editor Jett Jackson Associate sports editor Bob Entertainment editor Zoe Starwood Special sections editor Jim Bounie Head copy chief Jed I. Knight Copy chiefs Beyonc Kelly Michelle Design chiefs Busch Sharts Eymah Hogh Designers Al Kat Clayts Rohls Hayds Parkz Opinion editor Rachel Skater Photo editor Sunshine Magee Associate photo editor Anastasia Housen ADVISERS Media director and content strategist Severus Potter Sales and marketing adviser Don Draper
CONTACT US editor@kansan.com www.kansan.com Newsroom: (785)-766-1491 Advertising: (785) 864-4358 Twitter: @KansanNews Facebook: facebook.com/thekansan



Whats the







HI: 73 LO: 61
Tornado watch. An 80 percent chance of rain. Winds NW at 87 mph.

HI: -3 LO: -15

Blizzard conditions. A 100 percent chance of snow. Winds ESE at 15 mph.

HI: 116 LO: 104

Heat advisory. Zero percent chance of rain. Winds NW at 2 mph.


This must be Kansas.

Or is it Alaska?

Nope, its Arizona.

Tuesday, April 1
What: Kim Kardashian autograph

Managing editor digital media Marnie Cromwell

Wednesday, April 2
What: Cage ghting tryouts When: 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. Where: 101 Strong Hall About: Are you a closet athlete,

Thursday, April 3
What: Free Taco Bell breakfast When: 7 a.m. to 11 a.m. Where: various locations across

Friday, April 4
What: Naked 5k Race When: 9 a.m. Where: Jayhawk Boulevard About: Running in the nude never

signing When: 10 a.m. to noon Where: Kansas Union, 4th oor About: Dont miss Americas favorite diva and reality TV star when she visits campus, learns the Rock Chalk Chant and sits in on Biology 100. Shell even sign your arm and let you kiss her baby.

waiting for your true calling? Do you enjoy injuries, ghting for money, losing teeth and potential brain damage? Then try out for the Kansas Cage-ghting team and show your school spirit.

campus About: In an effort to gain a breakfast following, Taco Bell will hand out free breakfast items from its newest menu. Unlimited breakfast tacos for all students, faculty and staff.

felt so good. For $25, you can streak down Jayhawk Boulevard with your fellow peers. Best part? Its a judgement-free zone.

Digital media and sales manager Mary Cathleen


Netix binging threatens health

news@kansan.com Her eyes began to glaze over as the dimly lit red screen flashed, 8 seconds until next episode. She couldnt remember the last time she showered or her last encounter with another human. It didnt matter. The only thing that mattered in this moment was Olivia Popes fabulous white ensemble and her juicy affair with the president. Sometimes I wonder if Ill ever reenter the real world, said senior Alexandra Johnson while she kept her eyes steady on her laptop screen. But then again, Netflix binging is easier than job hunting. Maybe this can be my job? Johnsons rhetorical question illuminates what many researchers are calling a modern-day phenomenon. A recent study released from the International Association of Addiction Studies showed that the so-called millennial generation has fallen into the detrimental and potentially threatening habit of binging on television shows. Popular dramas Breaking Bad, Mad Men and Scandal top the list, while Netflix originals Orange is the New Black and House of Cards fill out the top five. Sometimes I pretend Im Olivia Pope and her words are my words. Her thoughts are my thoughts, ya know? Johnson mumbles as the opening sequence to yet another episode plays in the background. Before her Netflix subscription, Johnson hoped to attend an Ivy League law school after graduation and eventually run for political office. Her common pastimes included studying, spending time at the student recreational facility and enjoying her morning cup of coffee. Now, Johnson isnt even sure if shes an enrolled college student. Yeah, whatever, she said. Can you just like, stop asking questions? I havent seen this episode yet. The study also reports that Netflix binging has severe hygiene-related consequences. TV-bingers are at a greater risk for back pain, neck pain and hair loss. Similarly, those most susceptible are at the highest risk of losing communication skills and even basic social cues. Its as if theyve developed into a new human breed, said sociology professor Daniel Lindhaugen. Maybe in 20 to 30 years, theyll regain the ability to intermingle with society again. But until then, I hope these disgusting humans stay on their couches forever. Netflix lobbyist and vehement binge advocate Monica Greene said television viewers have entered a new era. I wouldnt be surprised if people stop getting married and we stop upholding our democratic processes in this country, Greene said. Who cares if we sink into a black hole of economic crisis and perpetual bad hygiene? As long as I get to watch terrible movies no one cares about and binge on Greys Anatomy until my eyes bleed, Im happy. Greene and her colleagues encourage the widespread use of other online television streaming accounts, such as Hulu Plus and HBO Go. In fact, the more accounts a viewer can maintain, the better. All Im saying is, if you want to watch True Detective, Game of Thrones and Saturday Night Live all while illegally streaming Sex and the City, do it, she said. Weve relied too long on physical activity, familial ties and intellectual stimulation to find satisfaction in our life. Its time to break free from these restrictions and really live. Johnsons mind grows numb to reality as she slips back into another Netflix marathon. She quickly loses the ability to form sentences, and its clear she isnt moving from her couch any time soon. Mmmmm ok yeah, she said. Over it.

average number of hours spent watching Netix and other television-streaming outlets in one week


Binging by the numbers: Is it really that bad?


a bingers average weight gain in two months of receiving Netix subscription


$500 40 24.46


economic burden bingers cost United States economy


decline in college graduation rates for bingers



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Study: Information graphics actually confuse people



Check out KUJH-TV on Wow! of Kansas Channel 31 in Lawrence for more on what youve read in todays Kansan and other news. Also see KUJHs website at tv.ku.edu. KJHK is the student voice in radio. Whether its rock n roll or reggae, sports or special events, KJHK 90.7 is for you.
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Source: National Association of Numbers














Jealous student starts @KUManBoobs account

news@kansan.com Do you love social media? Do you appreciate the male body? Would you call yourself a man boob fanatic? If you answered yes to all three of these questions, its my pleasure to tell you that your prayers have been answered by @KUManBoobs, a new student-controlled Twitter account. When the popular Twitter account @KUBoobs began gaining followers and getting national attention, an anonymous student started getting jealous. I mean, yeah, boobs are great and all, but most just fell flat chested, the student said. I just had this moment it was like Jesus reached down and whispered to me and I thought, why dont I start something even sexier? @KUManBoobs was born. The account gained 6 million followers in the first hour it was registered. It had just one photo of a hairy male chest with two substantially sized flabby pecs pushed together in a provocative manner. Within a day, there were 300,000 submissions of pure man-boob glory. When asked about the accounts viral popularity, duh was all the account holder had to say. One student, who wishes to remain anonymous, was brave enough to admit to sending in a photo of himself. Its a pretty well-known fact that my boobs are the best on campus, and better than any ladys he said. Im also fueled by my own ego. I would have been an idiot not to post [the picture]. The student said he has received more than 500 hookup requests since posting the photo a week ago. He would not reveal verbally if he had accepted any, but he did reply with a side wink. University administration is aware of the issue, but has decided not to fight back. Its a violation of the Student Code of Conduct Article, but really, who cares? said a prominent campus figurehead, who wishes not to be named. Ive actually set up an alert on my phone to forward me the best photos when theyre posted. It just makes my day significantly better. The student behind the @KUManBoobs is picky about the photos he retweets, and requests people dont bother them with low-quality photos. If you dont have any hair on your chest, or if you have less than an inch of cleavage, lets be honest, Im not going to retweet you, the student said. To all you men with boobs out there, step up your game. One student fanatic has made it a priority to favorite every @KUManBoobs retweet. Its revolutionary. I feel like its the best thing thats ever happened to this campus, the student said. Its just the tits, man.



Local medieval re-enactment guild The Houses of the Fallen is preparing for its annual full-scale battle on the turf at Memorial Stadium. The actors often refer to this event as the bloodbath.


Medieval re-enactors to host battle at Memorial Stadium

news@kansan.com Noting the increasing temperatures and rapidly aligning stars, local medieval re-enactment guild The Houses of the Fallen is preparing for its annual full-scale battle on the turf at Memorial Stadium. The Houses of the Fallen, a group made up of nearly 400 fully armored members, announced its plans for the revival of ancient warfare with a series of tweets. FINALLY gave us the insurance forms!! Get ready for a BLOODBATH, the account @HousesOfTheFallen tweeted. The actual casualty rate is quite reasonable, said Landon Wolfbiter Richardson, a senior from Mishawaka, Ind. Richardson started the group based on an online forum devoted to the popular medieval video game, Runescape. Why do we spend all day perfecting our avatars and writing backstory for our characters when we cant live it? Richardson said. The Houses of the Fallen grew quickly, gaining over five hundred members since its founding in 2012. Most of those members will participate in the battle on April 13. Weve got enough for a damn maelstrom of guts, said Richardson. The annual battle has traditionally been held in an unclaimed piece of property a short drive outside of Topeka. Richardson cited insurance liabilities and cleanup costs as the reasons for the past location choice. But now weve got a stadium. Itll be the Roman Coliseum, all bloody and passionate. With a crowd, we wont hold back, said Jeannette Witherspoon, a sophomore from Overland Park. Witherspoon joined the club after finding its webpage while researching schools. I saw that page and thought: Id pay $10,000 a year to do that alone, Witherspoon said. Witherspoon boasts a collection of more than 25 pieces of medieval weaponry and armor. She stores them in a U-Haul facility that The Houses of the Fallen pays for with membership fees. Witherspoon was intimidated when she walked into her first Houses meeting. I think Landon was in his full suit and I almost had a panic attack right there. I loved it. I was hooked, Witherspoon said. Witherspoon claims to have spent more than $3,000 purchasing a hand-smithed suit of armor from armoroutlet. biz. It was worth every penny, Witherspoon said. I cant wait to get out in those floodlights and beat the living hell out of my friends with blunted steel. The Chancellors decision to approve the new location surprised Richardson and the club. The exception was made by personal approval, drafted and signed by the Chancellor herself. Shes a big fan, apparently. She sent me a letter saying she has to have a chair right in the middle of the crowd so she can do the Roman thumbsdown thing, Richardson said. I cant wait.




Social media improves personal relationships

odays media landscape has become an ever-widening expanse of rapid information exchanges, transactions and virtual relationships. In fact, the online media landscape is so vast that scientists say it is really a sort of media savannah, or media Great Plains, populated by media buffalo and other herds of grazing media animals. Lets face it: Grandma has an iPad now, and Grandpa is just a month or two away from getting bored with whatever hes working with (probably Grandmas old Kindle). Hes going to need an iPad too, and pretty soon they will both know when you so much as fart or burn a piece of toast on a Monday morning. Thats because youll probably tweet, Farted and burned my toast at same time #smh #CaseOfTheMondays. But, on a more serious note, when it comes to Internet media, almost nothing is more hotly debated than social medias effect on our interpersonal relationships. Critics assert that platforms like Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and Vine are turning us into narcissistic selfie-taking, duck-facemaking, hashtagging robots without attention spans. Theyd like you to believe that social media monetizes life events, turning them into a currency of documented moments that we share electronically in return for the self-esteem crack buzz when people click like, star, favorite, add comments and so on. Im here to tell you, however, that not only is social media totally
By Forrest Appleton


Stock Market Activity

Editors Note: Due to complaints about the content of the FFAs, we have decided to cancel this section of the paper. Instead, please enjoy the stock market activity.

freakin awesome for our interpersonal relationships, it is actually making them stronger one selfie at a time. In fact, with each selfie you take, and every time you tweet, Ugh, so bored in the lib right now, youre one step closer to making your online self a reality. Eventually, you will become a glorious, pre-edited example of walking social perfection. Just imagine the possibilities: What if you were a living Facebook profile picture? The standard campus pass-by drill of make eye contact, look up and to the side as if checking for falling bird crap, nod, mumble greeting or look away would never be the

same. Instead, youd be mesmerized by the other persons glowing complexion, sweet aviator shades and awesome background scenery which is definitely way prettier than yours, by the way. As they approach, youd like their social persona in the form of a high five, followed by mutual yells of, So hot! and Stunning! Then, on the walk-away, youd make a mental note to definitely shout two or three words at them on their birthday. Taking a step further into this hypothetical world of tangible social media, hashtags would become acceptable in academic writing and the @ symbol would preclude any spoken name. The era of longwinded dissertations would be gone. A treatise on the

psychology behind Jimi Hendrixs guitar playing would read: #Lordknows ImAVoodooChild. Thanksgiving day conversations would sound like, Hey @UncleFred, could you please pass the gravy? #DryTaters. Things would be so much easier! If this all sounds a little far-fetched, thats probably because youre one of the poor souls whos still stuck in the age of well-thought-out communication. Well, you just keep churning the butter down on the farm with Irv and Agnes. The rest of us will continue to Tinder/tweet/ pin/Instagram our way to a more perfect world.
Forrest Appleton is a senior from Juneau, Alaska., majoring in political science with a minor in logging.

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Green space, aka wasted space, needs to go now

he Lawrence campus is situated on 1,000 acres of land. Roughly 200 of these acres are designated green space, meaning the land is free of construction. According to the International Panel on Undeveloped Land (IPUL), every acre of earth that remains undeveloped represents roughly $100,000 in lost revenue every year. That means the University stands to gain $20,000,000 each year if every acre of remaining green space on campus is developed with a new academic building, arena or parking lot. The extensive amount of green space, specifically in Marvin Grove, represents failed economic opportunity. Because the most important thing in this country is continued economic growth, the University has a patriotic obligation to eliminate wasted green areas and begin new construction or industrial projects. Marvin Grove alone represents a potential economic gain of $5,000,000 per year. Because of the original documents that set aside Marvin Grove for conservation in 1878, only memorials can be built in the area. Thanks to the foresight of the writers of this document,

By Anastasia Housen

the memorial loophole allowed the construction of Memorial Stadium, a beautiful concrete stadium that is half full at every home football game eight times a year. The stadium was a step in the right direction, but now the university needs to pursue more memorials for the sake of the economy. We need more concrete and asphalt in order to turn the barren wasteland of Marvin Grove into something enjoyable for all society, like a water park or more parking. A second development option for Marvin Grove is a hydraulic fracturing operation. Few people know that the University is situated on a goldmine of natural gas deposits. The university, with the help of geology students and engineering majors, can use the Grove as a practice field for fracking. The grove is a perfect location for fracking because of nearby Potter Lake. The lake is an ideal storage area for the main byproduct of fracking: contaminated water containing heavy metals and low levels of radiation. Despite environmental extremists outcries, the water is perfectly safe to swim in

unless you are under the age of twelve, pregnant or think you may be pregnant, taking allergy pills, or a man. In addition to giving our students experience in drilling techniques, the Universitys annual revenue will increase drastically. In order to appease the original documents that wrongfully wish to conserve the grove, the new fracking operation can be named as a memorial to former student, Paul Rudd, whose acting career died after the 2013 release of Anchorman Two: The Legend Continues. Some say Marvin Grove must be preserved for its natural beauty and biodiversity. To that I ask, What do you value more, a tree and some nice grass or hours of fun and chicks in bikinis at a water park? Would you rather have chirping birds and rabid squirrels or Americas energy independence? More importantly, what is most valuable to our nation, the environment or the economy? I think we all know the answer. Yes to money and exploitation and no to natural rights and conservation. Anastasia Housen is a freshman from Overland Park studying industrial design.

KU to turn libraries into casinos to help grades

By Richard Johnson

he libraries at KU are an important source for academic improvement, yet they are more often a place of misery for students. People constantly complain about how miserable it is to spend time in the libraries. What if we could turn this negative into a positive? I think that the potential of the libraries is not being fully realized. We need to convert the libraries into casinos. Harrow-Metropolis University (HMU) initiated a change in 2012 that converted an old campus building into a casino for its students. The results were incredible; enrollment nearly doubled and the average GPA rose nearly 6.9%. Profits from public visitation lowered tuition costs nearly $1,000 per student. The libraries at KU are already hubs for gambling. Students commonly bet on their grades and test scores, especially during finals week. Regulating the activity would benefit the students and the university. This is because happy students are productive students. Science agrees. The University of Glasgow Gambling Research Group states that a student with a $100 or higher bet on their test score is three times as likely to show improved test scores versus those who did

not gamble. The economic benefits would also be outstanding. It would bring in new jobs and commerce for Lawrence. Tuition would be lowered. If harnessed, the recreational and speculative energy of KU students could fuel the power plant, reducing costs further. Some folks might oppose this change because they believe our libraries are important learning resources. I cant say I disagree without breaking my poker face. The mental and economic benefits alone wont raise academic performance. However, this drawback could be negated by hiring tutors to work inside the casino. Students could get tips on studying and blackjack. I think its evident that we should join HMU at the forefront of collegiate academics. Student senate, its time to ante up. Richard Johnson is a senior from New York studying applied behavioral science.

@KansanOpinion Turn Wescoe into the parking garage we all know it was supposed to be! Make it 25 stories. Free parking for all!

@KansanOpinion Get rid of the Jayhawk as our mascot. Sorry, Jay, but I think just about anything is better. Even a sock monkey. Can we be the sock monkeys?

Whats one change youd like to see happen at KU next semester?
Katie Kutsko, editor-in-chief kkutsko@kansan.com Allison Kohn, managing editor akohn@kansan.com Lauren Armendariz, managing editor larmendariz@kansan.com Anna Wenner, opinion editor awenner@kansan.com Sean Powers, business manager spowers@kansan.com Kolby Botts, sales manager kbotts@kansan.com Brett Akagi, media director and content strategist bakagi@kansan.com Jon Schlitt, sales and marketing adviser jschlitt@kansan.com

Follow us on Twitter @KansanOpinion. Tweet us your opinions, and we just might publish them. ... But probably not. Dont count on it.

@KansanOpinion If they could get rid of that basketball thing, thatd be great. I just dont care about who scored what.

@KansanOpinion We should have class 7 days a week. I get lonely on the weekends. #Schoolismylife


LETTER GUIDELINES Send letters to opinion@kansan.com. Write LETTER TO THE EDITOR in the email subject line. Length: 300 words The submission should include the authors name, grade and hometown. Find our full letter to the editor policy online at kansan.com/letters.


Members of the Kansan Editorial Board are Katie Kutsko, Allison Kohn, Lauren Armendariz, Anna Wenner, Sean Powers and Kolby Botts.


Because vague astrological predictions are kind of right







Aries (March 21-April 19) Today is a 4.3 Youll receive a lot of junk mail today and youll probably get a C in that insignicant gen ed class. Also, pay your cable bill; DVR is about to be discontinued if you dont. Taurus (April 20-May 20) Today is a 6.7 Try your luck with reality t.v. Millionaire Matchmaker, Dance Moms and Lost and Afraid are all looking for new talent. Youll look great in glitter or drinking champagne on a yacht. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Today is a 7 The classmate next to you thinks youre cute. Speak up and ask them out. Or Facebook stalk them until class ends. Your call. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Today is a 6.57 Youre not taking care of yourself. Crack open a beer, turn on the t.v. and skip class for a change. Your future can wait, a new episode of Duck Dynasty is on. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Today is a 6 I dare you to go streaking down Jayhawk Boulevard. Literally, I triple-dog dare you. If you complete this challenge, your day will be a 100. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Today is a 7 That Malaysian plane still hasnt been found. Other than that, I guess youll have an ok day. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Today is a 6 Beyonce was in my dream last night, and she told me that youre about to have the best day ever. #surfbort Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Today is a 8 Youll gain one new Twitter follower and someone will retweet your witty tweet about Duke and Kentucky. All and all, life is good. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Today is a .34 Your roommate stole your peanut butter and nished your leftover Chipotle. Worst day ever? Sounds like it. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Today is a 4.5 Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend, but youre still alone. Have no fear, Tinder is here. Enjoy the matches while they last. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Today is a 9 Did that attractive GTA just wink at you?!! Karma is on your side, so play it cool. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Today is a 13 New business venture: Taco delivery service. Drop out of school, open this shop and the student body will thank you.

Apple LaRouche observes local art in Lawrence. In 2015, there will be no more art to look at, as an extremely prominent Kansas public ofcial wants to ban all art from Lawrence.


Kansas ofcial bans all art in Lawrence



entertain@kansan.com An extremely prominent Kansas public official said he would like to ban the citizens of Lawrence from producing or condoning any and all things artsy, for the sake of Kansas reputation and productivity. If the people of Lawrence would stop worrying about art and start operating small businesses, Kansas would be a much more productive state, the extremely prominent Kansas public official said. I think the state has tolerated art long enough. Its linked to drug abuse, lawlessness and teen pregnancy. It leads students to mooch off of the rest of society because theyre not working and cant support themselves. The public official cut all state-funded arts programs in 2011, and saw the more specific ban on Lawrence art as addressing the root of the problem. Lets face it. Lawrence is the leading producer of most of Kansas art, said the extremely prominent Kansas public official. People ask Whats the matter with Kansas? when they should be asking Whats the matter with Lawrence? We believe weve found the answer to that question: so-called artistic expression. Within hours of the Kansas public officials comments,

Lawrence citizens were organizing protests. Some acted quickly and bought one-way bus and plane tickets to cities notably similar to Lawrence, such as Boulder, Co., and Eugene, Ore. Meadow Brook, a local artist and Lawrence resident of more than 30 years, said she has finally had enough of the extremely prominent Kansas public officials policies and wants to relocate to Boulder, where she can freely make art and smoke marijuana. You know what, Ive had enough of the public officials

Members of the Angry at Anarchist Artists group supported the public officials ban by protesting in Lawrence on Monday. Janice Steinmen, an AAA member, held a sign saying Earth without ART is E.H.: Extremely Healthy. Its time parents stop telling their kids that they can be who they want to be, Steinmen said. We dont want kids to end up being societal leeches. We dont want our kids being like, well, Lady Gaga. My daughter knows that just because she can move a brush

People ask, Whats the matter with Kansas? when they should be asking, Whats the matter with Lawrence? ANONYMOUS Kansas public ofcial


policies and want to relocate to Boulder, she said. At least there I can freely make art and smoke marijuana. Apple LaRouche, a Lawrence street musician, didnt seem to be distraught over the new regulations. Whatever, LaRouche said. They say that artists are moochers but you know whos gonna have to take care of me when Im not playing anymore? Yeah, thats right. Them. F--- communists.

around a piece of paper doesnt mean shes special. Try eating oil pastels for breakfast when your parents cant feed you anymore. The ban is scheduled to take place in phases. Phase one, banning of all street musicians and vendors, will take place in August. P Phase two, banning of the creation and sale of artistic things, will be implemented in December.


Todays Cryptoquip:




Relationship makeovers for every couple

Whether youre in an open relationship or not, actively seeking partnership or tightly tied down to one boring and unfullling relationship, these tips can spice up the romance and maybe kick you out of your dating rut.


Spice up your night

entertain@kansan.com Wondering how to take things to the next level with your cuddle mufn? Here are four hot tips that will spice up the romance and drive your partner crazy.

Game changers for the first date

entertain@kansan.com Dear students of KU, I know that all of you want to be a date magnet, but not many people will be honest and tell you what they really want. Im here to set the record straight for what young people crave on a rst date. These ve tips will guide you to the best night of your life.

1. Try some sexy roleplay

Nothing makes your signicant other (SO) feel better than dressing up in their cutest outt and being ogled by everybody in sight. But why stop there? Bring your sugar bears fantasies to life with roleplay. You cant go wrong with the sexy school teacher fantasy or the intrusive cop. If youre feeling really bold you can give the school mascot fantasy a try!

1. Never break eye contact

Nothing says, I want you now, like eye contact. So at dinner, be sure to initiate the rst move by making it a secret staring competition across the table. Its important that your date doesnt know theres a competition, so you can win. For example, when youre reaching for the bread basket, keep those eyes locked on theirs. Theyll love the intensity.

2. Skip the romantic stuff

As students, we want to get down to business as quickly as possible. A lot of people will say they only want to get to know you for your personality, but we all know thats a lie. As a student, I can vouch for everyone when I say that all we really want after the date is to get to know your body, so we can immediately compare it to the previous people weve dated.

2. Tell them exactly what you want

People dont want to waste their time trying to gure out exactly what you want in bed, so be sure to tell them! You can compare your love monkeys technique with your past lovers on a regular basis to let them know how they stack up. Your main squeeze will appreciate your honesty and will be thrilled to learn that move that your ex always used.

3. Picking noses
If you dont know how to make your rst physical move, I have a game changer. Ill never forget when a guy started by giving me a simple kiss then proceeded to grab my nger and place it inside my own nose. I was essentially picking my own nose. It was incredible. I advise everyone to try this at least three times before making things Facebook Ofcial.

3. Stimulate all the senses

Touching is overrated. Studies show that a human beings sense of smell is closest to their pleasure receptors. Your honey buns nose wont know what hit them when you come home with a sexy new cologne or perfume. To really drive your sex kitten wild, douse yourself with the exact scent their mom wore when they were a youngn.

4. Use lots of tongue

Take it from our man Ludacris when he says, I want to li-li-li-lick you from your head to your toes. Yes, Luda, you nailed it with this verse. However, focus your attention on our mouths and drench us with your saliva while also playing a game of, Tug-O-War with our tongues. The wetter the better.

4. Bring food into the bedroom

Like scent, taste is another underutilized sense in lovemaking. You two will need your energy for an all-night session, so why not incorporate food? Go with the classic chocolate-covered strawberries, or mix things up by sharing a rack of baby back ribs. No plates necessary!

5. Keep maximum amount of clothing on*

*Disclaimer: This tip is for the advanced only. If you really want to spice things up, leave on as much clothing as possible while still being able to get steamy. This will bring you back to your old high school days of hooking up in your parents basement without being caught. Cant you feel the sexual tension brewing already?


Bill Self reveals true identity as masked hero Batman

entertain@kansan.com For years, the identity of beloved superhero Batman has been hidden away from the world; some have speculated that Bruce Wayne could be the hero, but the identity of the masked crusader is much closer to home. Years of evidence point to one conclusion: Bill Self, the esteemed coach of the mens basketball team, is also tirelessly fighting crime as Batman. Like Batman, Self is a prominent figure in his community and is known for his power, status and wealth. This gives him a unique position where he is in the public eye, but not much is really known about him (Have you ever tried to set up an interview with the guy? Hes impossible to get in touch with. Coincidence? I think not.). He is revered because of his work, which helps maintain his status and keep up the ruse so no one will discover his secret. Self is also known for his philanthropy work; just this season he entered a competition with two other Kansas schools to raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters. He was also recognized by the United Nations for his work with the Boy Scouts and Boys and Girls Clubs of America. Batman was orphaned young, so it makes sense that Self would want to be involved in benefiting kids lives. Plus, Batman is known for selflessly protecting the city without any true recognition, just like Self s altruism. For 10 straight seasons Self has tirelessly defended the Big 12 title and has worked to protect the Jayhawk reputation, which parallels Batmans work to guard Gotham and make the city a better place for all its citizens. Under his watch, the Jayhawks have won a national championship and he is known for having the best six-year record in Division I history. The work he has put in to defend the Jayhawks reputation makes it pretty obvious that he is a superhero. With all the evidence piling up, it seems that the only question left: Is Allen Fieldhouse the Batcave?

In light of his recent NCAA tournament loss, Self reveals his true identity as superhero Batman. Gotham City ofcials were unavailable before deadline.







Its just like any summer sport. Jacob Fast, on tossing the caber


Eliminating the caber toss is an abomination
By Cadha Flanigan MacDuff

Probably the best tosser of all time was the Victorian strongman Donald Dinnie. His career spanned 40 years (1850-1890), and he once took 20 prizes in a single day.


Q: Which was the most fearsome caber of all time?

A: The 20 foot, 9.5 stone Braemar caber. It was rst tossed in 1951.

Stone put Wichita State 6 p.m. Lawrence

ts time to take your kilt out of storage and start dusting off your mill weights the annual Midwest Highland Games Championship is coming up in five short months. But the Highland Games may never be the same again. The International Highland Games Association is looking to cut the most crucial event: the caber toss. The Games will attract many, as it does every year. Depending on which Games you attend, there could be variety events. Some standards are the caber toss, stone put, Scottish hammer throw and sheaf toss. As an avid Games fan, the caber toss is without a doubt the most essential event. Without this event, there is no Games. What most fans dont know is the

athletic finesse and skill the caber toss requires. These high caliber athletes must lift a tapered pole that is nearly 20 feet tall and attempt to toss it so that it turns over, away from the tosser. An unskilled tosser might not get any further than lifting the pole, as the top is weighted heavier than the bottom. This event is vital. To everything. No, the caber toss is not simply just the essential event of the Highland Games. It is not simply just an athletic event that demands the competitors to toss a 175-pound tapered pole. And it is not simply just a time to watch an athlete risk his or her life. It is much more than that. It is an event that has

centuries worth of tradition standing behind it. Legend has it that the event originated from the need to toss logs across narrow chasms in order to cross them. This is an athletic event that originated out of necessity, so it is a necessity that we keep it. What is a world without the caber toss? It is a world without the ability to toss a 20 foot pole where else would one learn this skill? It is a world without the thrill of watching someone reach the 12 oclock position my heart almost always skips a beat. It is a world without athletes that hold

themselves to the highest of esteems and are consistently improving just last year, the chiefs at the Pitlochry Highland games in Scotland had to bring in a new and heavier caber because the tossers were turning it too easily. These are athletes whose strength and skills are improving every competition. This event seems easy enough to cut. But it just isnt. It is integral to the Highland Games, and cutting it is something that we cannot let happen.

This week in athletics

Scottish hammer throw Wichita State 6 p.m. Wichita

No events

Weight throw Oklahoma 6:30 p.m. Norman, Okla. Weight over the bar SMU All day Dallas Sheaf toss Stanford All day Palo Alto, Calif. Maide Leisg Kansas State 6:30 p.m. Manhattan Extreme ironing Baylor 3:30 p.m. Lawrence

Bo-taoshi Irish Creek Collegiate All day Charlotte, N.C. Cheese rolling Oklahoma 2 p.m. Norman, Okla. Snow polo SMU All day Dallas Underwater hockey Stanford All day Palo Alto, Calif. Bog snorkeling Kansas State 2 p.m. Manhattan Cardboard tube dueling Iowa 1 p.m. Lawrence Belly opping Battle on the Bayou All day Baton Rouge, La.

Buzkashi SMU All day Dallas Ferret legging Irish Creek Collegiate All Day Charlotte, N.C. Toe wrestling Oklahoma Noon Norman, Okla. Mountain unicycling Texas Noon Norman, Okla. Kite tubing Kansas State 2 p.m. Manhattan

Shin kicking UMKC 5 p.m. Kansas City, Mo. Extreme couponing Iowa 6 p.m. Iowa City, Iowa


A candle-light vigil will be held for the historic Allen Fieldhouse on Stop Day, May 9, at 8 p.m preceding the buildings destruction.


Allen Fieldhouse to be demolished

sports@kansan.com The University of Kansas Athletics Board voted unanimously to demolish Allen Fieldhouse in order to make room for additional campus parking at a closed-door meeting last night. Talks of this plan were first initiated right after the Jayhawks recent loss against Stanford in the 2014 NCAA Tournament. We thought long and hard about this matter, Athletics Board Director Mark Walberg said, but we as a board believe that the space the Fieldhouse currently occupies could be put to better use after seeing the performance our mens team put on two weeks ago. Many students and alumni have voiced their outrage with the Athletics Boards decision. This is the biggest crock of you-know-what to ever take place in the history of college basketball, Eymah Hogh said. They cant take our basketball sanctuary away from us. Following the student body outcries, Walberg released a statement saying that despite peoples personal attachment to the fieldhouse, Allen Fieldhouse demolition plans would continue. For those who would like to pay their respects to the fieldhouse, there will be a candle-lighting ceremony on Stop Day, May 9, at 8 p.m. Mens basketball coach Bill Self was unable to comment on the boards decision because he took a personal day to hunt for a new job. Walbergs statement also announced that a workshop would be set up to help the current Mens and Womens Basketball teams assimilate into regular student life. The workshop, titled Leave No Hawk Behind, will be led by actor Jason Sudeikis. I was heartbroken when I first heard that ol Allen was getting torn down, Sudeikis said. I thought I could lend a bit of humor to the teams by leading the Leave No Hawk Behind workshop. Despite the workshop and many condolences from fans, one mens team player is still bitter about the boards decision. Im just shocked that this happened, the star freshman player said. I should have left a long time ago. Demolition crews will begin taking down Allen Fieldhouse this June, with hopes to have a solid parking garage foundation laid by August.

Volume 126 Issue 1,000,000


Soft schedule to blame for tournament loss
By Teddy Fiddles



Tuesday, April 1, 2014



Allen Fieldhouse to be torn down for dorm parking


isappointed and frustrated after another early tournament exit, Bill Self pondered what he could have done to change things. Self knew the answer was obvious. I dont feel like we prepared ourselves for March, Self said. Our schedule was just too easy. Kansas notably played Louisiana Monroe, Towson and Iona. Self said he was embarrassed that he even played teams that did not play in the NCAA Tournament. Look at our schedule, Self said. We played TCU twice. We played Texas Tech twice. How do you justify that? Even some of the more difficult games on Kansas schedule failed to adequately challenge the Jayhawks. The prize of the schedule, Duke, failed to even advance past the first round of the tournament. Before the season, we called Mercer, said Athletic Director Sheahon Zenger. They refused to schedule us. They wanted to know what we brought to the table. Instead, we had to settle for the Blue Devils. According to sources, Mercer demanded that Kansas assistant coach Jerrance Howard teach its players how to dance the Nae Nae. Howard adamantly refused. Self was not the only one to decry Kansas lackluster schedule. Many respected minds across the nation agreed. Kansas schedule was too easy, ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith said. I have many friends in the industry. I have more friends in the industry than you probably have friends total. And they all think Self needs to schedule harder games. Former NFL coach and color commentator John Madden weighed in, too. In order to have a schedule, youve got to play people, Madden said as he teetered back and forth in his rocking chair, all the while filling out the puzzles on the back of a Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal box. Youve got to have an opponent in order to have a game. Madden was asked to elaborate, but became distant and ornery after failing to complete the word search. The Jayhawks seemed afraid to play the power teams, Skip Bayless proclaimed, scantily clad in a cut-off Tim Tebow jersey. Did they play Kentucky? Did they play Syracuse? No they did not. Quite simply, they were afraid. The only notable sportscaster to disagree was Dick Vitale. Kansas scheduled Duke. What more can you ask? Vitale said. Duke saved my life. Duke saved my marriage. Duke finally taught me what it meant to love. Self and Zenger have been involved in close conversations to see that history does not repeat itself. For the 2014-15 season, Kansas has already scheduled Arizona, Kentucky, Michigan State, North Carolina, the 1996 Chicago Bulls, and the MonStars from Space Jam. Kansas also deleted TCU from the schedule. Upon TCU coach Trent Johnsons protest, Self reportedly replied, What are you going to do about it, Trent? Johnson had no response. Self hasnt made a decision with regard to Texas Tech, but is screening coach Tubby Smiths calls anyway. Self has made one thing clear: If Kansas disappoints next year, it will not be because of a soft schedule again.

Marcus Smart transfers to Kansas


Freshman guard Wayne Selden Jr. brushes off Oklahoma State sophomore guard Marcus Smart resulting in a technical foul during the second half. Smart announced Monday that he will transfer to the University of Kansas to play for the Jayhawks next season. I didnt want the rest of my college career to be a op, Smart said.



sports@kansan.com Few were surprised when Kansas freshman Andrew Wiggins announced his intentions to enter the NBA draft on Monday, but no one could have anticipated the announcement that would follow. Sophomore Marcus Smart held a press conference only hours later, publicizing his decision to transfer to Kansas for the following season. Theres nowhere better to play basketball than the University of Kansas, Smart told reporters. I just want to finish up my college career wherever gives me the best chance to win. Smarts mother, told the Kansan on Monday night that

Marcus had grown discontent with his situation at Oklahoma State after being benched for an altercation with a fan in February. Smarts mother said Marcus would call her almost nightly during his suspension to express his frustration with the teams handling and lack of support after he was seen pushing a Texas Tech fan on national television. It was at this time that Kansas coach Bill Self developed his relationship with Smart. To avoid NCAA recruiting violations, the two communicated primarily through Snapchat. Coach Self was there for Marcus when no one else was, Smarts mother told reporters. Everytime Marcus opened his phone, he could expect at least two or three

Self-ies with positive messages like, haters=motivators and believe in urself. While Self kept his praise of Smart private, hes never been shy about his frustration with his own point guards. After

I just want to nish up my career wherever gives me the best chance to win. MARCUS SMART Sophomore guard

Smart led his Cowboys to a victory over the Jayhawks in Allen Fieldhouse last year, Self famously said, We dont have a point guard. Earlier this season, Self benched his most

experienced guard, junior Naadir Tharpe. Self told his reporters that his team would never be successful without the right man at guard. Naadir, Frank and Conner all try their best, but I knew Id never had a guard as good as Marcus, Self told the Kansan. So I went out and got him. Self said Smart visited him in Lawrence following Oklahoma States first round exit in the tournament. We came right out and offered him a scholarship, Self said. The timing couldnt have been better. It wasnt a hard decision for Smart. His mother told the Kansan that Marcus had always been a closet KU fan. She said he was wowed by his first experience in the hallowed Allen Fieldhouse, so

overjoyed by the atmosphere that he performed a backflip on the Jayhawk logo. Smart will provide much needed experience to the still young Kansas team and is expected to debut at point guard for Late Night in the Phog. Meanwhile, Smarts mother is just happy her son has finally found the right place to finish his college basketball career. Marcus has already made living arrangements in Jayhawker Towers with sophomore Tyler Self and is planning to major in theater. At his press conference, Smart seemed pleased with his decision. Its true what they say, Smart said. Theres no place like home.

KU team receives genuine broomsticks

sports@kansan.com Things were looking up for the Kansas Quidditch team last Thursday when an unmarked package was delivered during their practice. It just came out of nowhere, said junior keeper Rex Wesley. I think it was too big for owls, so they used a couple condors instead. Inside the package was a set of seven new Firebolt broomsticks. At first the team thought that the broomsticks were spectacularly-made fan pieces, but after one unfortunate incident they found out that wasnt the case. Nathan jumped on the broom and laughed and said, Hey look guys, Im flying! It was really funny, except that when he started running with it, he took off into the air, said senior seeker Harold Porter. I guess some people arent meant to fly after all, because he fell off about halfway to Allen Fieldhouse. Sophomore chaser Nathan Langfellow is recovering at Watkins Memorial Health Center with a minor head injury and a broken arm. Since that incident, no other mishaps have flown afoul of the sports team. The KU Quidditch team has been practicing with their new flying broomsticks since Thursday. As of Monday night, they thought that there was definite improvement. People used to laugh at me for joining the Quidditch team, senior chaser Alice Jackson said. I admit, I never thought the sport would get off the ground. But look at us now! While it is currently unknown whether the Quidditch team will be allowed to use the broomsticks in the upcoming World Cup, Porter is hopeful. I mean, theres a lot of rules about the size of the broom we can use, Porter said, slowly stroking his new Firebolt. But I feel like if they really fly, an exception should be made. The Jayhawks are the first collegiate Quidditch team to receive flying brooms, and because the sponsor is unknown, there is debate about the legality of their use. While some suspect that the sender was merely a KU Quidditch fan, others suggested more nefarious purposes for the donated brooms. If you dont know where it came from you shouldnt use it, Hannah Gretchen, a junior from Detroit, Mich. There are dangerous people out there. For all they know, whatever is making those brooms fly could wear off mid-air. It just isnt safe. Despite the controversy surrounding the brooms, as of Monday night it looked like the team will be allowed to keep them. While it is still up in the air about whether the brooms will be used in competition, Porter seemed to think that victory had already happened. Whether we win the World Cup or not, I think we all know who the real champions here are, Porter said. No matter what happens, I guess well just keep on flying.


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