Self Realization

Self-Realization
And Other Awakenings
Ed Muzika
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Self-Realization and Other Awakenings
Copyright 2013, Edward Muzika All rights reserved. No part o this !ook "ay !e reprodu#ed, tra$s"itted, or utilized, i$ a$y or" or !y a$y "ea$s, ele#tro$i# or "e#ha$i#al, i$#ludi$g photo#opyi$g, re#ordi$g, or !y a$y i$ or"atio$ storage a$d retrieval syste", without writte$ per"issio$ ro" the author or pu!lisher, e%#ept or !rie &uotatio$s i$ #riti#al arti#les, !ooks, a$d reviews. 'irst editio$ pu!lished !y( )e Are *e$tie$#e, +*A
,*-N( ./0101.02//3/1313 4i$e1edit a$d proo5$g( 4ila *terli$g -ook 4ayout 6 Cover 7esig$( )aldo 8ho"pso$ Additio$al illustratio$s( Chrissy Core www.!rai$9ower#reative.#o" 'irst Editio$, 'e!ruary 2013
Acknowledgments
I want to express profound gratitude to Lila Sterling, a most diligent editor, and aldo !hompson who pro"ided formatting, la#out, and expertise in produ$tion% ithout these two friends and their a$ti"e en$ouragement and hard work, this &ook would not ha"e happened% I also want to express deep appre$iation to 'hriss# 'ore for her e"er $heerful presen$e and &rilliant work on the diagramming of $ons$iousness% !his was a $olla&orati"e effort, and there was not an#one who did not offer help in all areas of produ$tion% I also want to thank m# three muses( again Lila Sterling, Rene, and )e&orah *air, whose eas# a$$ess to the Su&tle +od# and dire$t expression of the feminine has $ompletel# $hanged what and how I tea$h, from $lassi$al ,en and Ad"aita, to the wa# of the heart% I dedi$ate this &ook to all those who helped write it, and to those who ha"e shaped a new wa# of tea$hing%
e Are Sentien$e - AS. is a 'alifornia religious $orporation with a federal /01$2 $harit# tax status% Its mission is twofold( to support the tea$hings of the two lineages of Sri Ramana Maharshi3Ro&ert Adams, and 4isargadatta Mahara536ean )unn as interpreted in the $on"erging figure of Ed Muzika, and to fun$tion as an animal res$ue and preser"ation organization in Los Angeles% !here are a&out 1,/00,000 or more homeless $ats li"ing on the streets in Los Angeles, and there are onl# thousands of people who $are for them( pro"iding food, "a$$inations and medi$al $are, as well as trapping some and finding homes% Ironi$all#, most people who manage these feral $at $olonies are poor themsel"es, and the sheer &urden of $aring for 100 homeless $ats ea$h nearl# exhausts their resour$es% Ed is a $aretaker himself and helps man# other $olon# $aretakers with food, medi$al supplies and "eterinar# ser"i$es for se"eral hundred $ats%
In addition, AS aims to &ring Los Angeles shelters to a 4o-7ill status wherein no health# animal is euthanized% 'urrentl# a&out 80,000 dogs and $ats are euthanized ea$h #ear in Los Angeles 'it# and 'ount#% 9or more information a&out the mission of : e Are Sentien$e;, "isit( http(33www%wearesentien$e%$om3no-pet-left&ehind%html
A feral cat colony in Reseda, California.
'ontents
Acknowledgments............................................................................ 3 Introduction...................................................................................... 9 My Story......................................................................................... 14 The First Awakening ...............................................................1! "o Sel#$ There is %nly %ne&..................................................... 1! Illusion's (ealm....................................................................... )* (o+ert Adams and I................................................................ 33 Second Awakening ................................................................. 44 That %ne Is "ot (eal&.............................................................. 44 The A+solute, the -oid, and Identi.cation..............................!/ The Third Awakening Sel#0(eali1ation.................................... !4 2ersonal 3o4e.......................................................................... !9 The Sel# as %ther Sel#0(eali1ation.......................................... *5 6onclusions............................................................................. 7/ The 8elico9ter................................................................................ 79 6onsciousness :iagram................................................................ 1/1 The 1// (oom Mansion................................................................ 1/! Things ;urus :on't Tell <ou.......................................................... 1)4 The Ma=esty o# Sel#....................................................................... 13/ %# >nergies, >cstasies and %rgasms.............................................. 134 6an <ou ;o "aked ?e#ore ;od@....................................................14) More %n (o+ert ...................................................................1!/ I Am 8ere #or My Students, "ot #or Me........................................ 1!)

Sel#0InAuiry Bith ACection and 3o4e........................................... 1!4 3o4e, Surrender and Awakening................................................... 1*/ The S9iritual 2rocesses Around a ;uru and Ashram.....................177 6ontinual Seeking......................................................................... 193 Freedom&...................................................................................... )// 6on#essions o# a ?hakta .............................................................. )11 Awakening in :aily 3i#e, 3eDer #rom a Student............................. )13 All is 3o4e, All is Sel#...................................................................... )19 Faith.............................................................................................. ))/ %n ?eing 6om#orta+le.................................................................. ))5 8a4e <our 6ake and >at It Too .................................................... )33 The Search.................................................................................... )39 (o+ert Adams............................................................................... )!/ A "ew Bay o# Teaching................................................................ )!! The ETrueF Teacher........................................................................)*1 (amana, Siddharameshwar and "isargadaDa..............................)*9 SeG and the ;uru ......................................................................... )7* The >cstasies o# Bomen............................................................... )5* The :iHculty o# Awakening.......................................................... )9/ 8unting the I and the Bitness...................................................... )9* >motional Truth............................................................................ 3/! Be Are Also 8uman ?eings.......................................................... 311 %n ;uru 6once9ts and Sel#0InAuiry..............................................31* More on ?eing 8uman..................................................................3)/

(ole o# the Teacher....................................................................... 3)5 6oming Ali4e to the Bhole Sel#.................................................... 33) The -oid is "ot the A+solute$ Silence is not the A+solute............341 Bho Says the I0Thought is the >go or Sel#@ .................................347 6reating a "ew Borld, %ne 3i#e at a Time.................................... 371 3iDle (ed.......................................................................................37* My >4ol4ing I:e9ressionI.....................................................379 Bell, the :eed is :one. 3iDle (ed is :ead...........................353 Strong >motions, "egati4e and 2ositi4e00a 2ath to ;od...............39/ (o+ert Adams II............................................................................ 39* A :war# and a Siddhi.............................................................395 Meeting (amana.................................................................. 4// Into the Silence..................................................................... 4/1 >Godus.................................................................................. 4/* :imitri................................................................................... 41) %ur 2oem..................................................................................... 41* >d Mu1ika %nline.......................................................................... 415
Introduction
<ou are not who #ou think #ou are% <ou are mu$h, mu$h more than that= <ou are not 5ust #our &od# or mind% <ou are not 5ust #our emotions, thoughts, images, and dreams% <ou are more than all #our relationships, famil# ties, $areer, and lo"es% <ou are these &ut also mu$h, mu$h more% !here are rooms within the spiritual mansion whi$h are ><ou? that ha"e ne"er &een explored &e$ause from infan$# onward, <ou -and we all. ha"e &een edu$ated, indo$trinated, a$$ulturated, and nailed into &oxes of so$ial $onformit# and multiple networks of thought and $ommuni$ation% !he world of our senses is reall# an interpretation of an underl#ing :real; as experien$ed through multiple $ogniti"e filters% +oth the :real; external world and the :real; Self are far different from what we now experien$e% !his &ook is a&out that real world -and real <ou. whi$h $an &e experien$ed and li"ed in after man# of the filters are unlearned% !his unlearning is done through "arious kinds of self-in"estigations, &oth through the use of the mind,
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&ut mostl# through exer$ises, learning how to shift awareness out of the :&rain,; thinking and $ognition, into the heart% Experien$ing the world through the heart@s senses re"eals a "er# different ><ou?, #our real Self, and a "er# different world that is far more fluid, far more ali"e, far more energeti$ than the relati"el# flat world most of us li"e in% !his is a world where our &odies, our hearts, and e"en our minds &e$ome dren$hed in &liss so remarka&le that all we $an do is swoon and fall to our knees, feeling the e$stati$ gra$e of total self lo"e and lo"e for another% !here $omes a pea$e so profound #ou do not want to mo"e so as to not distur& it% 9inall#, there ma# &e an inner explosion like an erupting "ol$ano of 5o#, energies, light and lo"e that re"eal the deepest le"els of the Self to the @little self@ #ou had alwa#s thought #ourself to &e% I $all this SelfRealization in $ontrast to the multitude of other kinds of awakenings or enlightenments so mu$h talked a&out in Eastern and estern spiritualit#, although these other awakenings are thoroughl# explored in this &ook% Remarka&l#, #ou lose nothing in this realization, for #ou are still mu$h, &ut not all, of what #ou were &efore% <ou still ha"e a &od# and mind% <ou still ha"e relationships with famil# and other% +ut #ou ha"e also found the mu$h larger world of flowing and healing energies of the su&tle &od# and world, as well as a
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&asi$ grasp of the flowing nature of the uni"erse% *oing e"en deeper #ou &e$ome aware of the ground state of $ons$iousness, the so-$alled 9ourth State, or !uri#a that interpenetrates and powers all other states of $ons$iousness, in$luding the waking, dream and deep sleep states% 9inall#, #ou &e$ome aware that #ou are wat$hing all this unfolding of $ons$iousness, and it does not tou$h #ouA#ou are entirel# &e#ond it, as if in a different dimension% !his part of #ou is not tou$hed &# an#thing in $ons$iousness% !his a&solute part of #ou $annot &e $ut, killed, or in5ured in an# wa#% !his part of #ou, the A&solute, the Bnmanifest, the noumenon, in one sense is immortal, and in another, &e#ond e"en immortalit#% All these le"els of $ons$iousness and &e#ond are ><ou?% !he a&o"e outline portra#s more or less the progression of m# experien$e% +ut I do not want #ou to tra"el m# path% I want to help #ou tra"el #our own path &# taking awa# #our illusions, $on$epts, $ontagions, and $onditionings% I want to ro& #ou, strip #ou naked of all #our spiritual and s$ientifi$ $lothes so that #ou $an see and experien$e #ourself as something extraordinar#, &eautiful, lo"ing, and @di"ine@, &ut still as a human li"ing in a sometimes harsh and ugl# world% !he following essa#s and talks work at whittling awa# one &elief or $onditioning at a time, preparing
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the wa# for #ou to see #ourself and the world more $learl# da# &# da#% I will suggest te$hniCues for selfin"estigation and in$reasing self-lo"e to prepare #ou for that inner explosion of Self-Realization% I will tell #ou how to use lo"e for another as an a"enue for #our own Self-Realization% I will guide #ou awa# from tea$hings that are so shallow that the# ha"e a million followers and almost as man# tea$hers, &ut #ield no real happiness% !his &ook is di"ided into two se$tions% !he first is m# own stor#, one of a pure $ogniti"e approa$h to enlightenment, followed &# falling in lo"e with a deeper world &oth within and without, whi$h led to m# own Self-Realization% !he next se$tion is de"oted to helping #ou see #ourself and the world without filters and $on"ention, so that #ou ha"e #our own SelfRealization &ased on who #ou are and where #ou $ame from% It ma# &e "er# different from mine, &e$ause I do not tr# to $apture #ou into one wa#, one s#stem, &ut to es$ape them all to find #our own truth% 'ome with me% )i"e deep into #our $ons$iousness following the >I-9eeling,? for it will lead to un&elie"a&le expansi"e experien$es of lo"e, &liss, and the &rilliant light of $ons$iousness whi$h will purif# and transform e"er# element of #our life% In #ou this di"ine Shakti -energ#. explodes all &oundaries% <ou will dis$o"er through endless periods
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of &lissful dissolution in 7rishna3'hrist 'ons$iousness that #ou are e"er#thing% In that freedom, e"er#thing will &e a&out identifi$ation( what aspe$ts of e"er#thing, mundane or infinite, shall #ou &e this momentD
All nature photographs were taken by the author, either at La olla, !A, or "e#ona, A$% &his peli'an photo was taken (ust abo)e the !o)e o* La olla%
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My Story
9ort#-fi"e #ears ago I left m# 5o& as a regional planner in 'le"eland to &egin a 5ourne# looking for :!ruth,; whi$h to me at the time meant finding the most &asi$ parti$le of knowledge, an irredu$i&le :true thing%; I had studied &oth Eastern and estern philosophies, had pra$ti$ed meditation, had read extensi"el# in ,en +uddhism and de$ided finall# to stop wasting time and de"ote m#self totall# in a sear$h for the :Cuantum; of truth, around whi$h all others re"ol"ed% After man# #ears stud# with six ,en mastersE Muktananda, and after ha"ing met e"er# ,en Master and Figh Lama that $ame to the Bnited States during the G0s and H0s, I finall# found m# two gurus( Ro&ert Adams, a student of Ramana MaharshiE and 6ean )unn, su$$essor to 4isargdatta Mahara5% +oth led me to dis$o"er the :truth-Cuantum; whi$h holds the uni"ersal network of thought together, guided me through se"eral awakenings, and ultimatel# to SelfRealization a de$ade later% +riefl# what I found was that the $entral $ore $on$ept that supports the network of thought standing matrix-like &ehind all appearan$es is the &elief in the existen$e of an inner I-entit# that was me% !he thought there is an inner me was the dominant thought
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of m# life, and without that limiting thought, the whole stru$ture of m# understanding fell apart% ith the destru$tion of that $on$ept, I &e$ame one with the world, not as a $on$ept, &ut as an experien$e of :awakening to no-self - @I Am@ the world%; !he &eginning and end of what I am is what I identif# with as >I? or >me?% I am not 5ust a &od#, or 5ust the mind% I am mu$h, mu$h more than this%
The First Awakening: No Self; There is Only One!
One morning, I returned from m# morning walk, whi$h that da# seemed espe$iall# in"igorating, and took a shower% I felt unusuall# relaxedE the warm water was in$redi&l# in"iting% 9eeling the water@s delightful tou$h on m# &a$k, I looked within, into the inner emptiness of $ons$iousness, tr#ing to see if I $ould find >who? it was that experien$ed the water@s tou$h% I had done this o&ser"ation thousands of times &efore, in thousands of different $ir$umstan$es, seeking the @I@ who was the experien$er and ne"er finding it, #et $linging still to the notion I was an >I?, an inner person%
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!his time, like all the others, there was nothing there, onl# a "ast inner emptiness that $ontained e"er#thing( the kinestheti$ sensations of mo"ing arms, &a$k and ne$k mus$les, the tou$h of the water, the sound of its spra#, and a few thoughts, &ut mostl# there was a silent emptiness that felt in"iting and full% I saw no one, no thing, no >I? there at all for the ten thousandth time, &ut this time, onl# *od knows wh#, it was different% !he realit# of @no-one@ sank in= !here was no person, no one experien$ing the water@s tou$h% !here was no one home, so to speak% !here was 5ust the tou$h of water, the feeling of m# feet against the &ottom of the shower% M# hands were tou$hing m# &a$k and ne$k, putting on soap, &ut there was no one experien$ing an# of this% !here was 5ust experien$e happening in awareness% +riefl#, I felt intense fear% !he fear was, I ho is wat$hing the storeDI I felt, or &etter, there was a feeling of inse$urit#, &e$ause no one was there to prote$t and $ontrol% All that there was, was experien$ing, happening in $ons$iousness% All the air left m# lungs, almost as if it had &een kno$ked out of me, and I relaxed% <ears of tension drained out of me% I did not &reathe for what seemed like minutes% !here was no need to &reathe% !here was
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no me, no I to pump up an#more, so m# &od# 5ust relaxed and deflated% M# mind -a$tuall#, @the@ mind sin$e there was no >I?. &e$ame utterl# still% 4o thoughts, no spe$ial attention to an# one thing, 5ust the grand, silent, all-per"ading emptiness, illuminated &# the inner light of $ons$iousness, and whi$h $ontained all experien$e% M# mind was gone% I felt too weak to stand up, so I dried m#self off and laid down on a $ou$h to explore the innerness from the "iewpoint of the dis$o"er# that I had no >I?, no me, no personal self% ith the utter mental silen$e, @m#@ $ons$iousness expanded to fill up the emptiness whi$h was e"er#where, rather than remain affixed to the mental $hatter that normall# exists% !his is what I dis$o"ered( !he >I? was not there% !here was no $entral kernel that ga"e illusor# life to me as a person% !here ne"er was an >I?% !here had ne"er e"en &een an idea that there was an >I?, the doer and experien$erE e"en that was gone% hat I had thought to &e >I?, was reall# >I Am?, the sense of presen$e, of &eing-ness% +ut that I-Am-ness, the presen$e, the $ons$iousness $ontained no point of >I?, and it ne"er had% @I@ had onl# &een a &eliefE an idea held tena$iousl#, that $reated an apparent experien$e of >I? as a person%
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hen the idea of >I? died, the whole realm of $on$eptualization $hanged and &e$ame $lear% All other ideas depended on the &elief in a separate >I?, set apart from the rest of the experien$ed world, and when this dualit# was exposed as fantas#, so were all other $on$epts that depended on the >I-Other? dualit#% Looking within, the I-Am-ness, the presen$e I had $alled $ons$iousness, seemed to ha"e a $enter or sour$e near the heart -of m# apparent &od#.E it appeared that $ons$iousness arose and flowed from this $enter% <et that heart $enter was onl# a happening in $ons$iousness and had nothing to do with the &elief in an >I? as the doer and experien$er% !he >I Am?, the sense of presen$e that per"ades all inner and outer emptiness and experien$e has no >I? as a $entral $ore% It reall# is an Am-ness, not an I-Am-ness% ithout an >I?, there is no >not-I? within $ons$iousness% !here is onl# $ons$iousness, onl# One% !he One $ontains all experien$e% All experien$es are onl# modifi$ations of that one $ons$iousness% I turned m# attention to thoughts, and saw that thoughts 5ust floated through Am-ness, as if from outside the &od#% !here is no mind as su$h, 5ust thoughts passing through Am-ness or &eingness% ithout an >I?, the illusor# personal $enter, there is no one to take possession of a thought or desire and to a$t on it or make it real% !he Am-ness has no
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in$lination to parti$ipate in the thoughts, and is free of their t#rann#% !he Am-ness is free to take deli"er# of a thought &riefl#, and make it real, su$h as an idea that I need to do some $hore, whi$h ma# &e transformed into a$tion, or it $an let the thought or desire pass through, una$$epted% !houghts, forms, and imaginations are infinitel# $hanging and mo"ing% !he# ha"e no permanent existen$e% !he# are 5ust modifi$ations within the o"erflowing pro$ess of >I Am?% !he onl# realit# was Amness, whi$h $ontained all experien$e, and whi$h was &eing witnessed% So, I then asked m#self, I ho witnesses all thisDI !he answer $ame as an inner "oi$e( I4o one at all=I I realized there is onl# witnessing, &ut with no witness% 6ust like there was no >I? to take possession of a desire or thought, there is no witness to take possession of an# experien$e% !he idea of the witness, and the apparent experien$e of the witness, arises from the apparent dualit# the >I-idea? $reates% hen this fundamental dualit# disappears, so do all the others, in$luding the imagined dualit# of the witness and the witnessed, the o&ser"er and the o&ser"ed% Fowe"er, if there is no witness, then there are no o&5e$ts to &e witnessed% If the >I? is unreal, e"er#thing o&ser"ed &# the >I? is unreal% <ou $annot ha"e onl# one half of a dualit#% If half is unreal, so is its opposite, or
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else the dualit# was onl# apparent% !he o&5e$ts, the &od#, the mind, the world, are all unreal, onl# mind stuff, dreams in $ons$iousness% ith no >I?, and no o&ser"ed world, there are onl# happenings within $ons$iousness, and $ons$iousness J Oneness, is all that there is% A few moments later $ame the feeling that e"en this $ons$iousness, the sense of presen$e, of Am-ness is unreal, a kind of "isual-auditor#-ta$tile illusion added onto pure silen$e, pure emptiness% A&out this time, all the forms, sounds, sights and feelings &egan to flow together, and I $ould see their temporar# and e"anes$ent nature% !here was no >I?, no world, no &od#E there was onl# presen$e, and e"en that, I am not% E"en the @I-Am-ness@, $ons$iousness, was onl# mind stuff K a $onstru$t% >I am that I-Am? onl# as long as I li"e in the illusion of $ons$iousness% Imagination, ideas, and all phenomenal experien$e were all 5ust mind% !he mind does not $reate the world, the mind is the worldE mind is e"er#thing% ith that I &egan laughing% hat m# tea$her had said was true% It is all a 5oke, a tale told &# an idiot, impl#ing nothing% An#thing said here too is onl# a $on$eptualization, mind stuff, and therefore a mistake=
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!he whole experien$e lasted a few hours, and I e"entuall# returned to a pla$e where a $hair was a $hair and potato salad was a food% I was different though% O"er the da#s following the shower experien$e, other understandings of what the experien$e of >no-I? meant &e$ame $lear% 9irst, all understanding, whate"er $an &e said in words is untrue or misleading% E"er#thing is mind stuff K e"er#thing= An#thing said, is said in illusion a&out illusion% An#thing said is a mistake% Mind $annot grasp an#thing other than itself% It $annot go &e#ond itself% 'on$eptions, phenomenalit#, and what we $all dreams, are all made of the same illusor# su&stan$e% Se$ond, there was no one to take deli"er# of @m#@ life% It was 5ust &eing li"ed% !here was no one to take possession of an# thought or responsi&ilit#% !here was no de$ision maker who willed an intended end% Intentionalit#, the idea we $an $on$ei"e of and then $reate an out$ome, was a fraud% Life is 5ust li"ed &# the illusion of existen$e some $all @Ma#a@, others $all it >$ons$iousness?, others $all it @*od@ or the @!otalit# of Lhenomenalit#@% !he apparent indi"idual mind 5ust $reates a stor# for some unknown reasonE it pro5e$ts a pseudo existen$e onto an external apparent realit#%
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e don@t e"en ha"e an indi"idual mindE the >I-idea? 5ust makes it appear that we ha"e% !he >I-idea? entertains those thoughts that #ield the appearan$e of a $onsideration pro$ess, of a de$ider and of de$ision to pursue some path% If those thoughts had not $ome, the apparent &od#-mind would ha"e taken on some other &undle of thought-forms and gi"en itself a different existen$e% On the personal le"el, that meant the world I li"ed in was purel# $on$eptual, and I $ould ha"e led an entirel# different $on$eptual life had that different thought $omplex taken possession of m# >I-thought?% !hat is, all pseudo realities are appearan$es in $ons$iousness onl#, there was no human to take possession of that identit# in a solid spa$e-time $ontinuum% !here were 5ust $omplexes of thoughts and mental patterns K waking dreams made of the same su&stan$es as what we $all dreams% Life has no solidit# at allE solidit#, perse"eran$e, $ontinuit# are $on$epts that allow us to take the world for real and set the stage for all apparent worldl# a$ti"it#% !hat is, if I were meant to relo$ate to 4ew <ork, that thought would $ome into m# mind, otherwise some other thought would take hold, su$h as to &e$ome a $omputer $onsultant in Santa 9e% hen the >I? shuts down and the ego disappears, the happenings in $ons$iousness will do what the# do, the
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ps#$hosomati$ apparatus walks through its pa$es, wat$hed as we would wat$h an interesting &ut not too in"ol"ing mo"ie% I also understood wh# the older I was the less interested I had &e$ome a&out an#thing% !he ego, the desires and ha&its that I took to &e me, shri"eled through $onstant inner o&ser"ation, there was progressi"el# less willingness &# @me@ to take hold of an# random thoughts or desires that passed through, and if I did, there was little energ# &ehind manifesting them% As Ro&ert Adams said, I!he sage@s thoughts and desires are dead thoughts, the# ha"e no strength and the# pass Cui$kl#, onl# &arel# tou$hing the apparent person%I As one who wat$hed him in a$tion, I $ould attest to that% Someone might mention the idea of founding an ashram or writing a &ook, or mo"ing to another $it#, and he would show momentar# interestE &ut a da# or a week later, the idea, and the will &a$king that idea, were gone% Around Ro&ert, there was nothing to hold ontoE nothing stu$k% hen the first person @I@ disappears, the idea of Fim, a se$ond person, a personal *od disappears too% !here is no *od, no power, and no planner running things% *od is an idea in $ons$iousness% !hings 5ust happen in $ons$iousness without me or *od doing it% 'ons$iousness and e"ents appear out of nothing and
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disappear into nothing% If #ou want to $all @4othingness@ or @$ons$iousness@ *od, feel free, &ut what is a$hie"ed &# gi"ing the illusion another nameD !here is onl# One, and e"en that One is not real% All this &e$ame temporaril# Cuite depressing% It was as if I were waiting for the winning lotto num&ers to &e announ$ed, knowing that I would win this time, and then to wake up to dis$o"er the lotter# and the $ertaint# of winning was onl# a dream% !he notion that a &etter life was 5ust around the $orner, and that I $ould influen$e its out$ome was 5ust fantas#% !here is no de$ision maker, no doer, not e"en an experien$er% M# $areer tra5e$tor# had 5ust "anished= !here was a feeling of loss of m# ordinar# world and ordinar# relationships, in$luding the feeling that I was a doer% I did not existE there was onl# $ons$iousness, whi$h was e"er#thing, &ut it did not exist either% 9or da#s I would sit staring at the world with a sense of wonder that neither I nor it existed% O"er the next few da#s and weeks strange things happened% M# &od# felt hot all the time, @energ#@ $urrents $oursing throughout it, and strange new mus$le tension patterns repla$ed old ones% I felt m# &od# was tr#ing to re5e$t something, as if it were tr#ing to fight off a disease% Ro&ert laughed when I told him, and he half 5oked, sa#ing IIt@s tr#ing to re5e$t
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#ou=I !he sense of unrealit# of &oth >I? and the world persisted and deepened, along with the depression% One da# I $alled Ro&ert in despair and said, II@m depressed= I am not realE nothing is real=I Ro&ert responded for$efull#, and loudl#, IOf $ourse #ou are real, #ou are talking to me on the phone aren@t #ouDI !he sense of unrealit# persisted, &ut I felt perplexed &# his answer that I was real, sin$e he almost alwa#s said e"er#thing was unreal% A few da#s later when looking at that feeling of unrealit#, I suddenl# realized that feeling was itself taking pla$e within that unrealit#E it too was merel# a happening in $ons$iousness and no more real than that whi$h I had formerl# $onsidered real% !he thought >I and the world were unreal,? itself was 5ust a $on$ept of no more power or importan$e than an# other% I understood Ramana@s response to a de"otee who asked whether the world was real or unreal% Fe said, I!he world is as real as #ou are%I !he world appeared unreal on$e the >I? disappearedE &efore the >I? disappeared, &oth seemed real% !he world, >I?, real, and unreal, were all 5ust $on$epts, and the world of appearan$e were 5ust forms in $ons$iousness with no >I? to o&ser"e them% 9orms $ome, forms go, the# are o&ser"ed, &ut there is no o&ser"er% !he apparent depression lifted
25
instantl#% It was 5ust another phenomenon in $ons$iousness, not a state &elonging to me as a person%
Illusions ealm
O"er the following months the experien$e widened and deepened% Sometimes the world appeared real, sometimes unreal, sometimes &othE &ut I understood that these appearan$es of real or unreal were 5ust 5udgments added onto the &asi$ illusion of phenomenalit# and of $ons$iousness itself% hen there is onl# One, all 5udgments or knowledge a&out Cualities or parts of the One, su$h as @the world was unreal,@ or @that is a $ar,@ are themsel"es illusor# &e$ause the# are di"isi"e, and there is onl# One% !he senten$e, and the knowledge, I!hat is a $ar,I and the $ar itself as an o&5e$t separate from the One, are &oth illusion% 7nowledge is illusionE o&5e$ts are illusionE distinguisha&le Cualities of the One are illusion% )a#s and weeks would pass where I felt I was li"ing in a hologram% I felt as if I $ould see through o&5e$ts in the world and m# own &od# &e$ause m# fo$us was on the emptiness whi$h permeated all things, inside and out% E"er#thing was @hollow,@ insu&stantial images and
26
sensations pro5e$ted onto an underl#ing empt# spa$e of still silen$e% Sometimes too, I would see an o&5e$t out of the $orner of m# e#e, an automo&ile for example, and it would onl# &e half there, like a mo"ie set where onl# the front existed% )a#s passed into nights and then into da#s again with &arel# the feeling of the passage of time, and ea$h afternoon, from 1(00 to 2(00 p%m% I would experien$e an in"oluntar# withdrawal of $ons$iousness K a @tran$e? that limited full parti$ipation in the so-$alled realit# on an# $onsistent &asis% !he whole pro$ess was great fun K sometimes, seeing the world as empt# and insu&stantial images $hanging rapidl# through time, without the personal in"ol"ement that had formerl# made the world seem so real% hen I told Ro&ert a&out the phenomena of half disappearing o&5e$ts &ereft of su&stantialit#, I 5okingl# asked whether this was part of the awakening pro$ess, or an entering into insanit#% ith wr# humor he replied, I!he# go hand in hand%I A week later, I asked again whether seeing the world as an empt# and hollow dream was a temporar# state, or something one lea"es &ehind as a passing phase% IIt@s alwa#s like this,I he said, wa"ing his hand around the room to in$lude e"er#thing% !hen he said,
27
IIn the end, fundamentall# nothing has e"er existed, nothing has e"er happened%I It &e$ame more diffi$ult to moti"ate m#self to do an#thing, for when the dreamed $hara$ter understands he is part of a dream, how $an he take it seriousl# and make an# effort to $ontrol out$omes of the dreamD !hings that had se"erel# &othered me &efore had lost an# a&ilit# to pertur& me% I li"ed da# to da# 5ust wat$hing the $hanging manifestation, the allpermeating emptiness that made a mo$ker# of the world and m# own existen$e as a separate human &eing% Sometimes the humorous aspe$ts of 6nana -7nowledgeE isdom. ga"e wa# to a feeling of not wanting to parti$ipate in the 5oke an# longer% E"er#thing is a&solutel# false the wa# it is per$ei"edE wh# persist in pla#ing the gameD Sometimes it felt &etter to 5ust refuse all in"ol"ement in the illusion% A $entral phrase from the +uddhist Feart Sutra &e$ame "er# $lear a&out this time( 9orm is no other than emptiness, emptiness no other than formE feelings, thoughts, sensations and e"en $ons$iousness are also like this% ith the knowledge that m# personal self and the world were illusions, personal Cualities, su$h as am&ition, ego and intentionalit# &e$ame empt#% !here is no free will &e$ause there is no willer, no willing and nothing to &e willed% !he world itself was onl#
28
insu&stantial images, e"er $hangingE there were no things that existed, 4o-!hing at all= ith no things $omes the re$ognition that >4o-!hing? has e"er happened, nor e"er will happen% !here was no orld ar II, no Mietnam, no +ill 'lintonN !hese were onl# memories -or images. $ir$ulating in @m#@ mind, or images from !M sets% !here was no proof that an# of these had existed in an# other form than an image in mind% Fistor# ne"er happened= Some&od# might show me a histor# &ook a&out all this, &ut that was no proof &e$ause that &ook was part of m# present waking dream, and nothing within the dream $an pro"e the realit# or existen$e of another part of that dream% E"en though ph#si$s postulates the existen$e of time, this is still 5ust an idea within the One Mind, whi$h is dream stuff% S$ien$e, like the histor# &ook, is part of the dream, $reating a stru$ture for the images% 4or did the rest of the world, out-of-sight exist( 4ot 9ran$e, not Russian, not 'le"eland% !hese were all ideas supported &# seeing them on tele"ision, or from memories of a prior "isit, whi$h are parts of the dream too K like a histor# &ook% !he past does not exist ex$ept as memor#, whi$h is a present happening in $ons$iousness% !he future does not existE it is onl# mental spe$ulation in the now, a&out what might happen in an imaginar# future%
29
9inall#, and most importantl#, the apparentl# real present does not exist either, &e$ause @realit#@ is onl# sensations, per$eptions, o&5e$ts, $reated &# mind, suspended in a mental emptiness, and in the end, neither forms nor emptiness exists% Fere-and-now has the same mind stuff existen$e as all other happenings in mind and $ons$iousness% A"alokitesh"ara, in the Feart Sutra sa#s further( :!hus, Sariputra, all things ha"ing the nature of emptiness ha"e no &eginning and no ending% In emptiness there is no form, no sensation, no per$eption, no dis$rimination, no $ons$iousness itself% !here is no e#e, no ear, no nose, no tongue, no skin, no mind% !here is no sight, no sound, no smell, no taste, no tou$h, no mental pro$esses, no o&5e$ts, no knowledge, no ignoran$e% !here is no ending of o&5e$ts, no ending of knowledge, no ending of ignoran$e% !here is no enlightenment, nor path to enlightenment( no pain, no $ause of pain, no ending of pain% !here is no de$a# and no death% !here is no knowledge of enlightenment, no o&taining of enlightenment, and no not o&taining of enlightenment% h# is there no o&taining of enlightenmentE &e$ause enlightenment is in the realm of >4o !hingness,@ and in >4o-!hingness? there is no personalit# to o&tain enlightenment% As long as a man pursues enlightenment, he is still a&iding in the realm
30
of $ons$iousness% If he is to realize enlightenment, he must pass &e#ond $ons$iousness, &e#ond dis$rimination and knowledge, &e#ond the rea$h of $hange or fear% !he perfe$t understanding of this, and the patient a$$eptan$e of it, is the highest wisdom, the essential heart of wisdom% All +uddhas of the past, present and future ha"ing attained the highest Samadhi, awake to find themsel"es realizing the heart of wisdom%; Life is the doings of an apparent &od#-mind li"ing in a dream, aware that life is a dream, &ut with neither the will to $hange it &e$ause the personalit# is dead -or seriousl# d#ing., nor the power to $hange the dream% )ream $hara$ters ha"e no autonomous will to $hange the $ontents and s$ript of the dreamer@s sleeping dreams, and 5ust so, we $annot $hange the s$ript of our waking dream% Ea$h of us, as apparent humans has a part to perform, &ut no su&stantial means to dire$t dream out$omes% An# $ontrol we appear to ha"e in dire$ting our li"es is onl# apparent, part of the dream s$ript% e are supposed to &elie"e we are dire$ting the dream out$ome, otherwise how $ould in"ol"ement in the illusor# dream &e sustainedD ith the $oming of knowledge, m# sear$hing mind $ame to rest% I had tasted A&solute !ruth for the first time, and no relati"e truth of the world $ould tou$h it% Fistor#, e$onomi$s, and ph#si$s were all 5ust
31
$ompli$ated knowledge a&out the waking dream, and that kind of knowing was irrele"ant, a 5oke K part of a world "iewed as a &ad art mo"ie% A&solute knowledge, 6nana, Lra5na Laramita, $annot &e sought or learned% It $omes to #ou, is alwa#s with #ou, and is #ou= Fowe"er, e"en the taste of A&solute !ruth passes until one tastes nothing, metaphori$all#% ith the end of sear$hing, I &egan to experien$e moments of pea$e &e#ond des$ription, a pea$e so deep, so profound, that nothing mattered, nothing= All knowledge, all power, all worldl# pleasures and e"en the experien$e of @di"ine &liss@ faded in $omparison% Lea$e dissol"ed e"er#thingE nothing penetrated itE nothing remained to &e done% !he sense of &eingness, Sat, persisted e"en though I saw it as illusion% It felt like an energ#, #et it was as su&stantial as matter% It permeated meE it was me, m# sense of >M#-ness?% All the while emptiness per"aded e"er#thing, all o&5e$ts, m# &od#, and me as the &eingness energ# itself% Bnderl#ing &eingness was >4othing?, experien$ed through a filter of &eing% >4othing? per$ei"ed from &eingness was still &eingness% hat la# on the other side of this per$ei"ed emptiness and $ons$iousness of the per$ei"ed illusionD I saw e"er#thing as the OneE and that One and e"er#thing in it was illusionE &ut the illusion persisted% as there an end to this illusionD
32
o!ert Adams and I
Ro&ert was impertur&a&le K nothing &othered him% Fe ne"er $omplained, ne"er la$ked a read# smile or humorous $ome&a$k, and I ne"er saw him angr#% <et, for #ears, I har&ored niggling dou&ts a&out him, though I knew I $ould not find a greater tea$her% Fis &eha"ior was so @human@ at times, and 5ust plain $onfusing at others, that sometimes I dou&ted he was a guru at all% In this I was not alone% Mar#, one of his longest-lasting dis$iples almost alwa#s had dou&ts% Ro&ert?s own wife, 4i$ole knew he was "er# different from an#one else, &ut did not, at that time, $onsider him to &e a spiritual tea$her or guru% At that time, she e"en la$ked the $on$ept of guru-dom% In his "er# low-ke# wa#, he would sa# one thing to one person and a "er# different thing to someone else% Sometimes he would appear not to remem&er promises, though his memor# was ex$ellent, or he would eCui"o$ate in a wa# that e"er#one thought he had agreed to their separate and $ontradi$tor# wishes% Fe denied &eing a guru, &ut a$ted like one and $onstantl# extolled the "irtues of the @Realized &eing,@ or sage% Fe e"en appeared to set people up so that the# would $lash with ea$h other $ausing fri$tion at our meetings, whi$h we $alled Satsang -meaning, &eing in the presen$e of !ruth.% In other words, he
33
appeared to &e an altogether normal, if not meddlesome person, a$ting the part of a guru while pu&li$l# den#ing he was one, using the Findu tea$hings of Oneness K Ad"aita Medanta K as his @s$hti$k%@ )eep inside though, I trusted him and his tea$hings, &e$ause of his utter pea$efulness, and &e$ause he was a&solutel# $onsistent in his des$ription of @realit#@% Fe alwa#s maintained the same &earing and tea$hings, whether in Satsang, while riding in a $ar, and while sitting in the park or at lun$h% Fis tea$hings were alwa#s $onsistent, as if he were talking from a li"ing and a&solutel# $onstant experien$e, instead of 5ust mouthing philosophi$al knowledge learned from &ooks or from Ramana% 4ow that I tasted 7nowing, I no longer $ared for knowledge K se$ular, spiritual, or a&soluteE m# fo$us $hanged% Rather than regard Ro&ert as a sour$e of tea$hings, seeking his presen$e for the transmutati"e effe$t he had on me, I &egan to wat$h how he &eha"ed in different situations and how he dealt with me and with others% I &egan to understand how a real master operates with his dis$iples, and operate he did= As soon as a student gets $lose to a master su$h as Ro&ert, the game of awakening &egins% I wat$hed how Ro&ert operated on his dis$iples on$e during lun$h% One da#, while we were eating at 9ollow <our Feart in 'anoga Lark, he appeared
34
preo$$upied% Fe did not talkE he did not look at me% 9eeling left out I asked, I hat are #ou thinking a&out Ro&ertDI Fe responded, I<ou=I IMe,I I said K I hat are #ou thinking a&out meDI Fis answer made e"er#thing that had o$$urred during our relationship $lear% Fe said, II am thinking how to $ook #ou%I @'ook@ is the term applied to the spiritual heat that $omes from spiritual pra$ti$e -Sadhana. or from &eing in the presen$e of the guru% One $ooks off the ego% So he was thinking a&out how to pro$ess me while we were at lun$h, and &# dedu$tion, e"er# other moment we were together% I was lun$h% Lresuma&l#, this happened with e"er#one else too% Fe was alwa#s stirring the pot, ad5usting the fire, $ooking egos, #et he alwa#s denied he was doing an#thing at all% After that I let him $ook me all he wanted, &e$ause I knew he had no self-ser"ing intent &ehind an# of his a$ts, and &# extension, none of his a$tions towards an#one else either% Fe was the guru pla#ing at &eing human, $uring us of our human illusion% Spiritual @old shoes,@ those who had spent a long time with re$ent great tea$hers su$h as Muktananda, Ra5neesh or <ogananda, know all a&out $ooking and how the guru sets up situations to $ause self$ons$iousness and the ending of that portion of the ego% Fowe"er, Ro&ert la$ked all the external trappings
35
of &eing a guru, so few people expe$ted him to $ook people K the# saw him as a spiritual friend, or perhaps as a father-figure or as a prophet, &ut not as an operator% Fe ne"er explained what he was doing when he operated on someone% Fis @"i$tim@ would &e @inno$entl#@ walking along, thinking e"er#thing was fine with what he or she was doing with and to others at Satsang, when suddenl# Ro&ert would thrust a whole new situation on him% 9or example, I initiated trans$ri&ing his talks with the idea of selling them at Satsang, gi"ing a per$entage to Ro&ert, and keeping part m#self to start a pu&lishing $ompan# for Satsang% It all made sense% Ro&ert did the talkingE I re$orded the talks, trans$ri&ed them, edited them to perfe$tion, and wrote an introdu$tion to $ap things off% !hus, a /0-/0 split was fair% 4oD !hings went fine for a while, until one da# I arri"ed at Satsang to find new trans$ripts done &# Mar#, on the ta&le at no $ost, asking onl# for a donation% !hen the next week, more trans$ripts appeared from #et another trans$ri&er% I had lost the $oz# post of &eing Ro&ert@s "oi$e, and this new &usiness had also gone down the tu&es, and Mar# and I were at loggerheads for a time% <et Ro&ert ne"er, e"er explained to me, or Mar#, how he had let me dig m# own gra"e, and then used others, with their own am&itions and agendas to &ur# me%
36
So too, was it the same with e"er#one else% Ro&ert let them walk into the Cui$ksand, get atta$hed and stu$k, and then let them sink% At other times, he would put people together for a work fun$tion that 5ust ru&&ed ea$h other the wrong wa#, or he would arrange for the two largest egos around to &e pla$ed in apparent $ompetition% One re$ipient of Ro&ert@s @operating@, des$ri&ed him in these &elittling words( IFe is "er# $ontrolling% Fe pits one person against another, and gets a great delight at wat$hing what happens% Fe lies in$essantl#, telling one person one thing and another something else, then denies to &oth that he said an#thing%I hen I heard this, I 5ust smiled and said, IOf $ourse he appears to do these things, how else $an he work with people at their own le"el of ps#$hologi$al fo$usD Fe is the guru and he@ll do whate"er it takes to get someone to mo"e spirituall# on le"els we don@t &egin to understandE what we see on the surfa$e is onl# a small part of his work%I 9rom that re$ipient@s own "iewpoint of frustration and disappointment, what she said was trueE &ut she saw onl# the man, not the sour$e, the Self-em&odied guru% She saw onl# a$tions she interpreted in terms of what people like herself would do% 4othing Ro&ert did was from mali$eE nothing was done with intent to harm% E"er#thing was done from lo"e, with the intent
37
of @stirring the pot,@ to make egos &ump together $reating a s$enario where grosser aspe$ts of the personalit#, su$h as 5ealous#, en"#, the need for re$ognition or $ontrol, $ould &e &rought into the open and destro#ed &# Ro&ert@s gra$e% Ro&ert was a steel $hisel kno$king off the ego@s flint# edges in a shower of sparks from his heart@s flame% 4othing Ro&ert did was as it appeared, &e$ause dis$iples would pro5e$t their own understanding and moral $onditioning onto his a$tions, and their understanding was &ased on a wide spe$trum of maturities% hat appeared to &e the intent of his &eha"ior on one le"el was usuall# irrele"ant to the le"el he was reall# operating on% hat the# saw was their own appearan$e, their $reation% Long time students did not e"en &other to tr# to figure his a$tions out K the# were unfathoma&le as seen from the outside% Ro&ert was not of this world and worldl# logi$ did not appl#% !he onl# thing #ou needed to know as his student was that he would do #ou no harm, and that nothing was done mali$iousl#, no matter how painful a situation appeared% +# @Ro&ert@s gra$e@ I mean that he drew nothing out of the person that hadn@t &een &rought out a thousand times &efore in a thousand life situations in"ol"ing spouses, parents, emplo#ers and friends, &ut whi$h had ne"er &een resol"ed in e"er#da# life% Around him,
38
on$e the ego showed itself in the situations he $reated, it was e"entuall# destro#ed, and Ro&ert was a master of making the ego show itself% Bnfortunatel#, man# people, espe$iall# on$e the# got used to him as a person, 5ust saw a normal man doing unexplaina&le, @self-defeating@ or seemingl# hurtful a$ts, not a Master &urning a field of egos% Another example of his power was Satsang where he and his dis$iples sat together for his talks% Man# people, espe$iall# those $oming from other traditions emphasizing Shakti, or @tea$hing philosoph#,@ found our meetings &oring% !he tea$hings of the $omplete unrealit# of e"er#thing were essentiall# unfathoma&le, e"en &# seasoned swamis from different traditions who regarded Ad"aita as mere philosoph#% Ro&ert did not present te$hniCues to find &liss, *od, or to make life work &etter% !here was little $hanting, and few external signs of de"otion among his dis$iples, who kept mostl# to themsel"es% Lastl#, Ro&ert@s Larkinsons )isease moderatel# slurred his spee$h, hindering eas# understanding of his words% I used to a$$use him of getting the disease 5ust to make people listen harder% Fe also spoke slowl# with long gaps &etween senten$es% Fe emphasized silen$e rather than $ontent% Some new$omers 5ust found the whole experien$e la$king energ#, understanding, de"otion, or e"en &asi$
39
$omprehensi&ilit#% Fowe"er, &e$ause so mu$h was la$king externall#, those who sta#ed were wel$omed &# silen$e to go deep within to find perfe$t pea$e, happiness and emptiness% 6ust &eing in his presen$e had a profound effe$t on man# people% Some were o"er$ome &# happiness, others &# pea$e% Mu$h more freCuentl#, at Satsang, people felt a deep relaxation that lapsed easil# into a &arel# $ons$ious @sleep%@ Most, who were fortunate enough to go to lun$h with him, experien$ed an o"erwhelming need to sleep afterwards, a deep, relaxing and totall# in$apa$itating sleep% I witnessed one dis$iple who went into this @sleep@ state during a meal with Ro&ert% She was lifting a fork to her mouth, &ut it ne"er arri"ed% She froze with uplifted fork, her e#es $losed, and she was @out@ for a long time% I think we left her &ehind at the restaurant, in that state, as Ro&ert said not to distur& her% Of $ourse, she would e"entuall# ha"e &een distur&ed, &ut he wanted the state to last as long as possi&le% Of $ourse these sleep states were a$tuall# forms of one or another kind of Samadhi, of entering the >$ausal &od#? le"el of $ons$iousness, &ut to use that term is to $reate unne$essar# m#sti$al $onnotations that explain nothing% !he su&5e$ti"e experien$e was of the in"oluntar# turning of $ons$iousness @inwards,@ $losing down the &od#@s fun$tioning, of feeling great
40
pea$e, and a of a total ina&ilit# to attend to the external world, e"en while of remaining &arel# aware of e"er#thing% Some people experien$ed a sinking into light% Others experien$ed a dissol"ing into emptiness or the world dissol"ed into them% 9or ea$h it was different% One of Ro&ert@s fa"orite @games,@ I $alled, !he 'it# de 5our, whi$h was loosel# &ased on Marpa@s handling of his most famous, hard-$ase dis$iple, Milarepa% Milarepa had &een a &la$k sor$erer, and had killed se"eral relati"es at the urging of his Lad# Ma$ +ethlike mother% At some point, he &egan to feel extreme sadness and guilt o"er what he had done, and sought the tea$hings of pea$e from Marpa% Marpa refused to tea$h Milarepa, and instead made him an emplo#ee, &uilding Marpa a new home made from loose ro$ks on Marpa@s land% Ea$h time Milarepa $ompleted a house, Marpa found fault with its la#out or lo$ation, and had Milarepa dismantle it, and &egin anew% Milarepa &uilt se"en houses this wa#, and dismantled six of them &efore Marpa relented and initiated him% In !he 'it# de 5our, Ro&ert hinted darkl# of an impending earthCuake that was going to destro# Los Angeles, and we all had to get out immediatel#% If the earthCuake plo# did not work, he em&ellished on his predi$tion, sa#ing it would &e a H%O to H%/ Cuake on a
41
new fault near 'u$amunga, near the 5un$ture of San +ernadino and Ri"erside 'ounties, during the last Cuarter of 1PP/, most pro&a&l# during 4o"em&er% If this did not work as moti"ation, he found other reasons to moti"ate people to mo"e% !o one, he said, I<ou will &e m# right hand%I !o another, he said, I<ou will &e m# se$retar#%I +ehind the s$enes, he would tell different people different lo$ations where he wanted to mo"e% !hose who were a&out to &uild a house in Santa 9e an#wa#, were told he was mo"ing to Santa 9e shortl#% !hose who wanted to mo"e to )allas, he said he would mo"e to )allas% !hose who wanted to mo"e to Arizona, were told to find a house in Lhoenix or Sedona% Of $ourse, e"er#one knew what he told e"er#one else, and house finding was happening in four $ities simultaneousl#, with e"er#one@s life in $onstant uproar as the# $ontemplated li"ing "i$ariousl# in Sedona, Santa 9e, )allas, Lhoenix or e"en East St% Louis% )is$iples were tra"eling to these lo$ations, lining up houses, 5o&s, lo$ations for Satsang, and agonizing o"er the disruption to their li"es% Others, who felt the# $ould not mo"e, due to emplo#ment, homes or 5ust plain atta$hment, felt a&andoned and angr#% +e$ause of his fragile health, Ro&ert ne"er tra"eled more than fift# miles to "isit famil#, and e"en this, "er#, "er#, rarel#% As a dramati$ tou$h, he de$ided to
42
"isit Sedona, where a group of 1/ or so dis$iples had offered him se"eral houses for his use, and offered relo$ation assistan$e for other dis$iples that wanted to relo$ate there% 4aturall#, this aroused e"er#one@s anxiet# to the highest le"els, for now it appeared he reall# was going to mo"e, and dis$iples $ontemplated either losing their present $omforta&le lifest#le &# mo"ing, or losing their guru% A$tuall#, at that time I urged Ro&ert to pi$k Sedona, as one of his students, Mart#, who owned a 5eep tour &usiness promised me a 5o& dri"ing% Sedona was &eautiful and I wanted a $hange from Santa Moni$a% Lastl#, I was unemplo#ed as were most of Ro&ert?s $lose students, so there were no strong ties to Southern 'alifornia% At this point, the game &e$ame e"en more $haoti$, with Sedona dis$iples $onstantl# fl#ing to LA, and LA dis$iples s$oping out real estate in Arizona during the mid-August monsoon season% Lhoenix during August is unpleasant at &est, and e"en Ro&ert@s wife remarked, I<ou@"e &rought us to hell=I Another dis$iple, a wellknown author, $alled Ro&ert and said, II $an@t do this= I am dri"ing through S$ottsdale, it is 108 degrees, and I am $o"ered with sweat= I $an@t do this% I don@t like an#thing a&out this state=I She did $ome and pur$hased a huge house% She wanted one large enough to hold Satsang to &e $lose to Ro&ert%
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!his is t#pi$al guru &eha"iorE $reating $haos and anxiet# where on$e there was order, whi$h loosened atta$hments and roiled egos% Fe would do the same in all areas of life that $ould in"ol"e his dis$iples emotionall#% Fe worked on people whene"er the# opened themsel"es, e"en a little, to his power%
Second Awakening: That One Is Not eal!
On the third morning after Ro&ert left Los Angeles, the moment that I awakened from sleep, something wonderful happened% I dis$o"ered in one instant who I was, and that I had alwa#s known who I was% I dis$o"ered that I had alwa#s &een Self-Realized= On$e again, for the ten thousandth time of waking up, I had transitioned from the sleep state to the waking state, &ut this time, there was no $hange in the sense of who I was% Mostl#, the sense of >I? in dreams and the sense of III in the waking state, were similar, #et the sleeping >I? disappeared when the waking >I? &e$ame ali"e% !he sense of palpa&ilit# and $larit# were "er# different and I emerged into a world that was relati"el# $onstant e"er#da#%
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Fowe"er, this time, there was no differen$e in the experien$e of >me?% 4one= As I awakened, there was no transition% !he same su&5e$ti"it# pre"ailed un$hanged throughout the apparent transition% I, whoe"er or whate"er I was, was not tou$hed &# the phenomenalit# of the waking world or the dreaming world% I was &e#ond and apart from existen$e% +oth were 5ust mind states added onto me, whoe"er that was, sin$e there was no me% <ou might sa# the dream me, and the waking me were gone &ut I was the sameE &oth >Me-s? were merel# thought forms along with the entire dream world and waking dream world% All were thought stuff or in a mental spa$e, what I $alled imaginal spa$e whi$h per"aded all realit# until one wakes up% A poor analog# would &e like wat$hing a mo"ie on tele"ision% !hen there was a $ommer$ial% Although there is an apparent transition from one sort of fli$kering light on the s$reen to another fli$kering light and different sounds, the wat$her was not $hanged, not affe$ted% !he analog# fails if the wat$her gets upset with the timing of the $ommer$ial% Another analog# was as if #ou were l#ing under a sheet on the &ed and someone took the sheet off% hat #ou "iewed would $hange, &ut #ou would not &e $hanged at all%
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I realized that the sleep and waking states were 5ust superimpositions on me% 'ons$iousness was a superimposition on me% E"en the nothingness of deep sleep was a superimposition on meAat least it felt that wa#% 'ons$iousness did not tou$h me% I was &e#ond sleep, dream or waking states% All these were happenings in $ons$iousness, &ut none had an#thing to do with me% 'ons$iousness had nothing to do with me% I was &e#ond all% 'ons$iousness itself is not real, &ut the awareness that I am not tou$hed &# $ons$iousness is a knowledge expressed &# $ons$iousness within $ons$iousness% A&solute su&5e$ti"it# is &e#ond understanding% !he A&solute does not know itself, it knows of itself as the $onstant su&stratum of $hanging phenomenalit#% !he A&solute 5ust is% Fowe"er, knowledge of this and the expression of su$h knowledge is through $ons$iousness% !his was a mar"elous experien$e of Self-knowing, of re$ognizing and a$$epting m# true nature% I $ould sa# at last, with full $on"i$tion, II know who I am%I )espite the &od# pain, despite the fear that still lingered, despite the anxiet# of inde$ision a&out the mo"e to Sedona, despite m# desire to &e with Ro&ert and to sa"e m# $ats from the animal shelter, all of whi$h still $rowded this mind, I now knew who I was% !he &od#-mind would $ontinue to do whate"er it was supposed to do a$$ording to time and pla$e, &ut it had
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nothing to do with me% I was &e#ond the apparent ongoing turmoil of the &od#-mind% In the A&solute, there is no &od#, no spa$e, no time, no knowing and no non-knowing, no ignoran$e, no enlightenment, no "astness and no $ons$iousness% All of that is happening in $ons$iousness% I wrote Ro&ert of m# turmoil and of the sudden experien$e of knowing who I was, &ut I did not ha"e to seek "erifi$ation% I knew who I was and I did not need $onfirmation% It was 5ust i$ing on the $ake when I talked to him a week later, a&out the experien$e, and he responded &# sa#ing, simpl#, I'ongratulations, #ou are Self-Realized= 4ow do #ou feel $ompletel# happ#DI I do not remem&er what m# response was, &ut I did know that I was not tou$hed &# either happiness or unhappiness% Although I would get tied up into &eing the &od# and into normal e"er#da# life $on$erns, the# no longer mattered, &e$ause I knew who I reall# was% As a matter of fa$t, I $ould now more easil# return to the human $ondition &e$ause it did not frighten me% I did not like it mu$h, &ut it did not frighten me% M# &od# might still experien$e the appearan$e of fear, &ut that was phenomenalit#@s $on$ern, not mine% !his feeling of &eing the owner of realit# was asso$iated with an in$reasing sense of $ertaint# and &oldness%
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I also knew now that it was right for me to sta# in Los Angeles% Ro&ert, on the other hand, mo"ed to a pla$e apparentl# mu$h worse for him% Of $ourse, o"er and o"er he had said a&out e"er#thing, IIt is onl# an appearan$e%I Fe had told me what would happen in Sedona after he mo"ed there and he did not paint a prett# pi$ture% Fe told me that the man# promises of finan$ial support would ne"er &e kept% Fe told me that the people there would fight among themsel"es to gain his fa"or% I think he felt the $hange in the ph#si$al surroundings might help his health &e$ause he knew something was wrong with his &od#, at least this is what 4i$ole told me later% !he mo"e to Sedona temporaril# re5u"enated his health% Fe was as energeti$ as he had &een in #ears, and e"en his "oi$e impro"ed% Lerhaps he felt the# needed him more% !hat Ro&ert re"eled in $haos was a fa$t% I think he found it interesting% It kept him grounded and in this world, while mostl# he was elsewhere, lost in the experien$e of the A&solute, e"en &e#ond !uri#a, the seed $ons$iousness of Self% Fe used to $reate this $haos e"er#where around and among his students% Fis wife, 4i$ole, after the 1PPQ 4orthridge earthCuake, &e$ame o&sessed &# the notion that 'alifornia was a&out to fall into the La$ifi$% 9rom what she had read, Sedona was as $lose to the o$ean as one
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$ould get and still &e safe% Lart of his mo"ing, I am sure, was due to her insisten$e% In the end, I do not know wh# he mo"ed and I don@t think he did either% Fe 5ust did, 5ust as I did not% I missed him terri&l#% I missed the walks, the dri"es, the lun$hes and dinners, and the $onstant tea$hings he ga"e &# &oth word and deed% Fowe"er, nothing was happening to open Sedona to me% M# feral $at $olonies were not &eing mira$ulousl# taken $are of, and no one &ut Ro&ert $alled me from Sedona asking me to $ome% I felt $omforta&le here e"en with man# self-a$$epted responsi&ilities% )uring the su&seCuent weeks, man# people from the Los Angeles Satsang $alled me, telling me of their trou&les, and asking how Ro&ert was doing, and wh# I had not mo"ed with him% !he# all urged me to sta# in Los Angeles, sa#ing the# felt this is where I &elonged, and that the# $ouldn@t pi$ture me in Sedona, and frankl#, neither $ould I% I reiterateE the Sedona people ne"er kept their promises, e"en the ones who went on the $laim Ro&ert as their tea$her% On$e Ro&ert got there, he &e$ame their $apti"e% Fe told me this is what would happen, #et he did it%
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The A!solute" the #oid" and Identification
hile in"estigating deepl# for #ears through meditati"e introspe$tion, I found that the >I-thought? a$tuall# pointed to nothingE there was no inner entit# that the >I-thought? pointed towards% Inside there was onl# emptiness, a "ast inner spa$e illuminated &# its own light, whi$h a$ted as a $ontainer for all kinds of mental o&5e$ts, emotions and internal :energies%; After awakening, It was so eas# to mistake this self-illumined emptiness as the Self, as >I?% +ut it is not% It is still an experien$e o$$urring to a witnessing prin$iple entirel# &e#ond the world of existen$e( the unmanifest, the noumena, the A&solute, the ultimate su&5e$t, sometimes referred to as one?s un&orn, true nature% !he >I-thought?, instead of pointing to an o&5e$t, a >me?, a$tuall# pointed to the feeling >I-Am?, whi$h, in turn, pointed to something $ompletel# different from a ps#$hologi$al or spiritual entit#% It pointed to the su&5e$t of e"er#thing, the su&5e$t of all experien$e and knowledge, the Self, whi$h was uni"ersal, and whi$h is the Self of all% !he freedom I found in m# awakening experien$e re"ealed that there was no inner o&5e$ti"e entit#, that
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there was no Ed% Instead, there was onl# an inner emptiness% I did not exist= +# now #ou pro&a&l# re$ognize that &oth the personal and spiritual life are all a&out identifi$ation, whether #ou identif# with #our &od# and #our pro&lems, with the inner Moid, with emotions or thinking, with the Oneness of the first awakening, or with the A&solute, l#ing in a different dimension, wat$hing the phenomenal world% )o #ou identif# with the o&5e$ts of the imaginal spa$e emanating from #our non-existent mindD )o #ou instead identif# with the entire manifestation of $ons$iousness, all phenomenalit#, the $omings and goings of $ons$iousness and o&5e$ts in $ons$iousnessD Or do #ou identif# with the &a$kground witness to whom all $omes and goesD One might &e tempted to $all this &a$kground Lure $ons$iousness or the Moid, &ut it is &e#ond an# $on$epts or pointers% Let us explore this more deepl#% At some moment #ou will &e$ome aware that there is at on$e a sense of existen$e and then it passes% In the morning, a sense of existen$e arises and disappears at sleep% !here is something that is firml# aware of the $omings and goings of this waking
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$ons$iousness% !he IfeelingI is that the existen$e and then non-existen$e states $ome to #ou% <ou know &oth that #ou are, and #ou know that #ou, at times, also are not% !his knowingness of the $oming and going of the oneness $ons$iousness state automati$all# re"eals #ou are not that oneness state% !hat oneness state $omes to #ou and then it lea"es% <ou ha"e nothing to do with it% On$e this $on"i$tion of a prior to :existen$e; is strong, a :disidentifi$ation; with the &od#3mind and the totalit# of the $omings and goings of the world, dream and sleep $an take pla$e, supplanted &# the firm knowledge that #ou are &e#ond all that% !o use ignoran$e produ$ing words, there is an identifi$ation with that whi$h $annot &e per$ei"ed as who #ou reall# are% One &e$omes :!hat;, &ut $annot &e aware of :!hat;, the final itness, the A&solute% 9reedom is a disruption of the identifi$ation with phenomenalit#% 9irst it is a disidentifi$ation with the o&5e$ts in the imaginal world, &oth dream and waking, then a disidentifi$ation with the pro$ess of the $oming and going of $ons$iousness itself% <ou rest in #ourself, ha"ing the position of :!hat; &e#ond all%
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<ou are &efore &eing and not &eing, awake and dream take pla$e in time% <ou ha"e no time% ith this knowledge $omes pea$e, happiness, and an end to sear$hing% <ou ha"e not attained ><ou,? instead #ou ha"e lost the false identifi$ation with the transient part of ><ou,? the imaginal passing show of $ons$iousness% <ou are the awareness of that $ons$iousness, >something? entirel# separate from $ons$iousness and sharing none of its $hara$teristi$s% hen this disidentifi$ation $omes, all the 6nana - isdom. sutras &e$ome $lear% hen this disidentifi$ation $omesE #ou realize ><ou? are &e#ond all% !hat realization is felt as a&solute $on"i$tion asso$iated with an immediate @apprehension@ that ><ou? are &e#ond the $omings and goings of $ons$iousness% It is not merel# an intelle$tual dis$o"er# or 5ust a $on"i$tion, &ut a $on"i$tion that arises from a dire$t apprehension of #our true nature% !his apprehension is not an experien$e% +oth experien$es and ordinar# $on"i$tions $ome and go% !his is an apprehension at the deepest le"el of existen$e of that whi$h lies prior to &eingness, whi$h ,en masters and 4isargadatta $all the Bn&orn%
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!his is not the endE it is the real &eginning of sadhana% +efore there was onl# pra$ti$e and effort, &ut now #ou ha"e the taste for and the dire$tion of the InfiniteE #our un&orn true self% <ou are &e#ond e"en the knowledge that #ou are &e#ond allE &ut that knowledge li&erates #ou from the all% !hen #ou are totall# free, a&iding in that whi$h is entirel# &e#ond% On$e #ou know this, sta# there as often and long as #ou $an until all humanhood is &urnt out and exhausted and #ou li"e in pea$e% !hen, as Ro&ert often said, #ou are happ# &e#ond &elief, fearless, for #ou $annot die as #ou realize #ou, as a human and e"en as $ons$iousness, were ne"er &orn% !hen, though #ou appear to &e human and fun$tioning, and that identifi$ation is still possi&le for a long while, the sting of suffering is gone, and #ou are happ#%
The Third Awakening: Self$ eali%ation
M# first and se$ond awakening experien$es o$$urred in 1PP/, the #ear Ro&ert left Los Angeles% In 1PPH Ro&ert died of li"er $an$er% A few months later, m# fa"orite $at, Sat$hi, also died of kidne# failure%
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Sat$hi was the most remarka&le $at I e"er knew% A small, tortoise shell, Exoti$ Shorthair with the fier$est look on her fa$e due to an under &ite exposing her lower fangs that s$ared the hell out of our other six $ats% Sat$hi ruled the house% If an# two $ats had an argument, within se$onds Sat$hi was there, standing dire$tl# &etween them, $hallenging either to mo"e, telling them there was no dis$ord in her house% She dominated me with her lo"e, dail# mounting m# lap, sitting on her throne of a&solute rulership% )uring the middle of 1PPH she &egan showing the usual signs of kidne# failure, a disease pro$ess $onfirmed &# our "et, whi$h $aused weight loss, diminished appetite, and ex$essi"e thirst% Fa"ing 5ust lost Ro&ert, I was determined that I was going to sa"e Sat$hi no matter what% I had sort of a magi$al &elief that realit# was sort of fluid and $ould &e $hanged purel# &# lo"e and intentionalit#% M# lo"e for her grew in proportion to the $are and attention I ga"e her% <et she grew weaker &# the da#% )uring her last two months, 7erima and I would take walks with her e"er# e"ening% She would walk &etween us or a little &ehind as we walked around the &lo$k, stopping freCuentl# to smell the grass, plants and trees%
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At first we walked entirel# around the &lo$k taking a half hour or so, &ut as time passed, the walks got shorter and shorter% One da# I found her in her usual hiding pla$e in her &ook $a&inet% Fer pupils were large and fixed% She was slipping into a $oma% e took her to our "et and &lood tests re"ealed multiple organ failure and whole &od# rigidit#% e had her put to sleep 5ust in $ase she was in pain% Su&seCuentl#, we ha"e had two $ats die pea$efull# at home due to kidne# failure, rapidl# passing into a $oma and d#ing within minutes% +ut in 1PPH, we did not know death $ould $ome so pea$efull# and lo"ingl# a&sent medi$al help% Sat$hi?s death $rushed me% I felt I had in"ested m# entire life?s spirit into her $are and healing and I had failed% I had felt if onl# I lo"ed her enough and $ared for her enough, she would ha"e li"ed% <et, I had done 5ust that( I had poured m# life into her healing and had failed% M# lo"e had failed% I had failed% I felt shattered and m# &elief in the power of lo"e was also shattered% Mer# shortl# after that I &egan to slip into a deep depression that was to last almost three #ears% !he *reat Moid swallowed me entirel#% I &arel# mo"ed as the darkness and &leakness of the darkness des$ended
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on me% I was &arel# aware of the world% E"er#thing was onl# the deadness inside% One ma# ask, :Fow $an an#one &e depressed if no Self was experien$edD; !o that I $an onl# answer that e"en if there were no Self experien$ed, there was 5ust the experien$e of deadness of emotion, the a&sen$e of an# emotion ex$ept grief, and that the experiential world had &e$ome "er# dark, as if wearing perpetual sunglasses e"er#where% In an# e"ent, in O000, I entered a B'LA medi$ation stud# of the effe$ti"eness of a new drug for the treatment of depression, and the depression was gone within six weeks% !he darkness liftedE light returned to m# world and heart% !his all goes to pro"e that #ou $an ha"e realized no-self, oneness, and e"en realize that oneness is not real, &ut the darkness and hea"iness of depression $an still per"ade the &od#-mind% Emotions and moods $ontinued to manifest, spread, and then pass awa#% !he# happened to $ons$iousness, not to Ed, in the same wa# that $an$er or heart disease is not $ured &# awakening% +# O002, for the first time, I felt a mo"ement to share Ro&ert?s tea$hings with the world and put up the we&site www%itisnotreal%$om, whi$h e"entuall# grew
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into a tea$hing site with a Cuestion and answer se$tion% !he site expanded and I added a tea$hing &log in O00G, www%itisnotreal%&logspot%$om, and &egan re$ei"ing Cuestions and responses from students of Ro&ert, or of Ad"aita, from all o"er the world% +# late O00P a few readers had put together an online Satsang forum using "arious programs% +# this time the depression was long gone% 9or #ears I had felt nothing &ut the pea$e of a deta$hed resting in the A&solute, into that intuition of a noumenal existen$e entirel# &e#ond, or more pre$isel#, l#ing prior to the world of phenomena% !he pea$e was so exCuisite, so profound and totall# impersonal% I had no idea what was to &efall me o"er the next few monthsE a situation so remarka&le, so enli"ening, so &reathtaking, that I was to &e awakened out of that pea$eful repose &# the most astounding lo"e and an ignition of internal energies so "er# powerful, energizing, and ex$iting, that it $hanged e"er#thing% I was to $hange from someone attuned onl# to understanding, to one hopelessl# entran$ed and $hanged &# the power of lo"e%
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&ersonal 'o(e
In O010 I met a woman who $ame to Satsang in Los Angeles% e onl# saw ea$h other fa$e to fa$e four times o"er two #ears% +ut there was something a&out her that $li$ked in me instantl#--the wa# she looked at me% She was "er# gentle, lo"ing, and surrendered, instantaneousl# from the first moment we saw ea$h other% I had $an$elled Satsang during Mar$h &e$ause m# mother was ill, and I was afraid I would ha"e to tra"el to Lhoenix to &e with her% Rene had alread# pur$hased her ti$ket to $ome to LA, so I de$ided we $ould still meet for lun$h and ma#&e a &rief sight seeing trip% e tra"eled from Santa Moni$a to the South +a# where there is a spe$ial deli at Malaga 'o"e where I often stopped for lun$h% As we entered Lalos Merdes, Rene took out her iLad and said she wanted me to hear something% It was a short poem &# Rumi, read &# a man with a wonderful, powerful "oi$e% From the beginning of my life I have been looking for your face, but today I have seen it. Today I have seen the charm, the beauty, the unfathomable grace of the face that I was looking for.
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Today I have found you, and those who laughed and scorned me yesterday are sorry that they were not looking as I did. I am bewildered by the magnifcence of your beauty, and wish to see you with a hundred eyes. My heart has burned with passion and has searched forever for this wondrous beauty that I now behold. I am ashamed to call this love human, and afraid of God to call it divine. our fragrant breath, like the morning bree!e, has come to the s"llness of the garden. ou have breathed new life into me. I have become your sunshine, and also your shadow. My soul is screaming in ecstasy. #very fber of my being is in love with you. our e$ulgence has lit a fre in my heart, and you have made radiant for me the earth and sky. My arrow of love has arrived at the target. I am in the house of mercy, and my heart is a place of prayer. Rene said after the reading was done, :!his is how I feel a&out #ou%; I was taken a&a$k, and sort of pushed her awa# &# making a sar$asti$ 5oke a&out the poem, &ut she let me know with her &eingness that she lo"ed me intensel# despite m# distan$ing% She told me later that
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she felt nothing from me, that she $ould not find a person inside, onl# emptiness, and kept looking for m# $ore% e parked o"erlooking the o$ean at a spot where I often photographed sea &irds% Suddenl#, without a word spoken, she laid her head on m# left shoulder and $hest% And for the first time in memor#, I felt a fire alight in m# heart% !he words $ame to me at the moment from the $hant 6#ota Se 6#ota 6aga"o, :7indle m# heart?s flame with !h# flameE Oh Sadguru kindle m# heart?s flame with thine%; !he whole situation was so strange% I thought this was something that happened to 1/-#ear-olds% It was as if she had thrown herself at m# feet in surrender, and I was tou$hed deepl#% So we shared that, a lo"e of the InfiniteE for her it was lo"e of *od, of presen$e, not of emptiness% She talked to *od, and *od talked to her% She told *od she was lonel#, and later she said *od sent her to me to &e lo"ed &# me% e were together 5ust a few hours, &ut a seed was &orn% e wrote to ea$h other, we phoned ea$h other, and finall# Sk#ped ea$h other, sometimes for hours a da#%
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Something happened to us% An#wa#, her lo"e for me opened me up, and like her, we had the most amazing lo"ing experien$es O000 miles apart% !he pro$ess was the same for &oth of us, &ut she felt it first% At first she felt it as an energ# arising out of her &ell# and upwards into her heart, where her heart felt a little pain like a pressure as the energ# was &lo$ked% !he pressure &uilt up as her heart &e$ame filled with this energ#, until there was a pun$ture with the heart energ#, now felt as lo"e, to $ourse upward through her ne$k and fa$e and upwards into the world and towards me distantl# remo"ed, as lo"e% Later, this energ# &egan to &e re$ognized as lo"e immediatel# e"en &efore it $oursed upwards, and what had &een a weak stream of energ# and lo"e &egan to fill out in form, until it felt more like a ri"er of lo"e that filled her &od# and whi$h flowed outwards into the world $ontinuousl#, #et still filling her more and more full, filling her entire sense of presen$e, with lo"e% !hen she would sa# she is the lo"er, who has &e$ome lo"e itself, and she would sa# I was the sour$e% At times too, the lo"e transformed into hea"# eroti$ism with almost $ontinuous orgasms on her part without an# ph#si$al tou$h in an# wa#% All that she had to do was think of me or hear m# "oi$e and she would
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experien$e $ontinuous orgasms lasting up to a half hour% !his is a$tuall# Cuite a simplified outline% !he pro$ess?s forms, and $olors of lo"e experien$ed &# &oth of us kept $hanging, and $hanging, and $hanging in &oth the Cualit# and intensit#% I had no idea lo"e $an take so man# forms and ha"e so man# expressions% !his streaming lo"e &egan expanding and happening more freCuentl#, and it &e$ame more rarefied, and su&tle, no longer seeming like a ri"er of energ#, &ut more like a gentle &reeze whi$h no longer mo"ed as a $urrent, &ut whi$h &e$ame still and filled her &od# with e$stas# and swooning% She felt drunk with lo"e, from time to time and went deep into a pea$eful samadhi% !his is another stor# altogether, how she graduall# &egan to know a&out the Infinite, pulling that experien$e from me in an empathi$ em&ra$e% I 5ust wat$hed all this with amazement, and I felt so happ#, so "er# happ# that she was feeling this wa# with me, and &e$ause of me% Alwa#s, I too felt lo"e of her and for her, whi$h graduall# &e$ame, as with her, a ri"er of energ# flowing from 5ust &elow the diaphragm through m# heart, up into m# fa$e and through m# fingers and hands outwards to the world and towards her, and I too &egan to &e filled with lo"e, &ut onl# for
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her% I too had totall# surrendered to her, m# life, m# soul% Bnlike RenR, I did not identif# with lo"e itself, &ut identified with me, Ed, as her lo"er% M# lo"e for her was alwa#s personal, and sometimes eroti$, &ut was alwa#s felt as a ri"er of lo"e running through me, filling me, making me &lissfull# happ#, until I felt strong #earning and longing for her, whi$h took awa# m# happiness, and I felt like a $r#ing little $hild wanting her lo"e% !hat #earning and longing, was preparator# opening to e"er deepening le"els of lo"e% Lo"e of a depth and Cualit# that I ne"er knew was possi&le, that I ne"er felt &efore% M# lo"e for RenR was entirel# not like an#thing I had e"er experien$ed &efore% ith our lo"e we &oth &egan to experien$e energies running through our &odies, all different sorts of energies running in so man# wa#s( Fealing energies that later softened the pain of m# arthritis, an experien$e of energ# :fingers; that rea$hed out from m# heart and explored the world in an :astral; kinestheti$ wa#, $haoti$ energies of &liss, sometimes of heat, with a &urning of m# skin and mus$les% M# &od# &e$ame more ali"e than e"er &efore with sensiti"it#, as did hers% Sometimes our emotional em&ra$e seemed almost ps#$hoti$all# deep, as deep $hildish fears and fantasies
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$ame out, and we &oth &e$ome a little nuts, demanding, $hildish, frightened or angr#, feeling pushed awa# or a&andoned, or otherwise nar$issisti$all# in5ured% +ut soon I &egan to feel what she had feltE a rising energ# of lo"e in me that flowed upward into the emptiness that is m# &od#, filling it with lo"e, pausing &riefl# at the heart and spilling out into the world towards her% !here was a progression% At first the flow seemed small, like a $reek, &ut rapidl#, o"er time &e$ame like a ri"er, and then like an entire o$ean of lo"e flowing through me% Lo"e flowed out of me through m# fa$e, head, arms and hands, and mostl# dire$tl# from m# heart towards her distant presen$e% *raduall# 5ust as with her, m# lo"e appeared to &e$ome purified, lighter, more like air as opposed to a fluid, and m# &od# felt filled with su$h sweetness, the essen$e of lo"e, whi$h was like a $onstant e$stas# whi$h gra&&ed m# entire &eing like a wrestler gra&&ing a $hild% I totall# identified with the e$stas# of lo"e, and I &egan to feel *od@s lo"e for whome"er or whate"er appeared in front of me% I sa# *od@s lo"e, &e$ause &# now it was so great, so o"erwhelming, so &e#ond me, I felt it $ould not possi&l# &e human% Alternatel# we &oth felt almost drugged &# the states of e$stas# that possessed us% Sometimes 5ust sa#ing a few words, like :RenR I lo"e #ou,; sent her
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into multiple orgasms whi$h graduall# transmuted into e$stas#% I did not feel the orgasms as did she, &ut I did feel the e$stas#, and a deep desire to &e with her e"er# moment of the da# and night% Bnfortunatel#, or fortunatel#, RenR is married, and we ne"er met again% e ne"er tou$hed ea$h other again as we wanted to, and perhaps we were afraid that if we were to meet e"er#thing would dissol"e% So our lo"e &e$ame transmuted into *od@s lo"e% !hat is the onl# wa# to explain it% !he whole thing a&out how it started, how we ne"er met again, and #et the lo"e grows, and how the lo"e permeates &oth of our &eingness to the extent we &oth feel as one, is 5ust so &e#ond explanation or &e#ond an#thing we e"er felt &efore% Onl# atta$hing the word :*od; to our experien$e makes an# sense% E"en this da# I still feel her presen$e in me all the time, and she feels me% Muktananda wrote a &ook $alled, II Fa"e 'ome Ali"e%I !his is how I felt% +e$ause of her lo"e, I &e$ame ali"e% !o this da# m# own &eingness is $onstantl# suffused with this lo"e that I first felt for her, and the same is true for her% Our sense of presen$e interpenetrates and is mingled% Sometimes I feel m# own lo"e for her, and sometimes I feel her lo"e for me% !he# are the same% In a sense there is no need to meet, e"en though I deepl# desire it, &ut I re$ognize that the
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#earning and neediness I feel sometimes, is a prelude to a deepening of this lo"e, and it seems that there are no limits to how large it $ould grow% Alread# I ha"e &een astounded ea$h time m# lo"e for her grew another step, &ut ea$h step upwards in intensit#, was followed &# a plateau, and a diminishment of the intensit#, whi$h was again followed, almost as if I fell in lo"e with her again, and the intensit# would grow, and grow, and the Cualit# of m# lo"e would $hange, &e$oming e"er more fluid and "a$uous, until it filled the emptiness that is me with a $onstant sweet e$stas#% And so was it too with her% More importantl#, we &oth dis$o"ered that an awareness of these energies made an awareness of the >I Am? sensation first felt as m# heart alighting, then graduall# de"eloping into a sense of presen$e, a kind of astral &od# of a new sort that interpenetrated m# and her ph#si$al &odies, &ut also graduall# expanded to in$lude the external world, and in our mutual sense of presen$e, we in$orporated ea$h other% !he mo"ement of lo"e ga"e "italit# to m# sense of presen$e, m# @I Am@, purified it, rarefied it, made it more su&tle, and more powerful% It is a $onstant unfolding% >I Am? is !uri#a, the fourth state that interpenetrates and supports all the other states of $ons$iousness, in$luding that of the &od#, the mind, the dream state and deep sleep% All are penetrated &#
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>I Am?, di"ine lo"e so exCuisite% I sa# di"ine lo"e onl# &e$ause it seemed so "ast, so powerful, so &e#ond an#thing I had experien$ed &efore that it seemed to trans$end an#thing :personal,; at least at that time% Later, e"en that "ast lo"e &e$ame :me;E &e$ame Ed in the first person, and I &egan to own the di"init# as me% I finall# understood that neither of m# pre"ious awakenings had in"ol"ed experien$ing !uri#a, the 9ourth State of $ons$iousnessE the >I Am?% I had gone dire$tl# to the A&solute, entirel# &e#ond $ons$iousness, &ut now I was returning to explore another, the most "ital le"el of $ons$iousness and understand the true nature of humanit# and SelfRealization%
The Self as Other: Self$ eali%ation
Our relationship was storm# to sa# the least, as I felt like a man who wanted Rene as m# wife% I $ould onl# feel m# desire for her, to lo"e and possess her, e"en though I was aware of her li"ing situation with her hus&and and $hildren% She felt this as her own desire to lea"e him, &ut also as a pressure from me% e had freCuent &reakups for an# num&er of reasons, perhaps Q0 o"er a two #ear period% It was
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during Mar$h of O011 we &oth had an identi$al experien$e of the @I Am@, of the Self of all arising in us separatel# during one of our off periods% One da# in Mar$h, I awoke feeling intense energies permeating m# &od#% It is hard to explain what it is like, &ut it felt like m# &od# and sense of presen$e were empt#, a "ast inner emptiness that $ontained all of m# &od#?s experien$es like a &alloon that was expanding &# the pressure of the intense, almost eroti$ energies pushing outwards from m# heart% Suddenl#, I felt a tremendous energ# and light explode from m# gut, and slowl# work its wa# upwards, powerfull#, ine"ita&l#, towards m# heart% It is so hard to des$ri&e it, this Self% It was like a terri&le "ol$ano of exploding energ# and &rilliant white light like an expanding explosion, arising from within, upwards into m# heart and e"en further upwards into m# head and &e#ond% !he energ# was so &e#ond an#thing I had e"er felt that it &lew me, Ed, awa#, #et there was a residual personal left who felt nothing &ut awe at the as$ent of the di"ine within me, whi$h I felt as other from the personal me still present, &ut whi$h I now re$ognize as the >I? Ramana talked a&out, and >Self? that Ro&ert and 4isargdatta talked a&out%
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An# words I use miss the point entirel# and diminish the experien$e% !here are no words grand enough to des$ri&e the purit#, power and enli"enment that the arising Self ga"e me% !his experien$e needs to &e repeated o"er and o"er until the little self &e$omes merged with that Self as a $ontinuous presen$e% 4isargadatta des$ri&es his own experien$e of 7rishna $ons$iousness in his little &ook a&out his own awakening, titled, Self 7nowledge and Self-Realization found on the www%wearesentien$e%$om and the http(33itisnotreal%$om we&sites%
)onclusions
It is in this wa#, through personal lo"e for another human, that I found another :awakening,; &oth personal and trans$endental, that made all pre"ious awakenings almost meaningless in $omparison% I found out that the most dire$t :path; for an# realization must pass through that Self-Realization experien$e, the seeing and then &e$oming the Self of all% !he awakening to oneness and to witnessing $ons$iousness from +e#ond, from the position of the
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A&solute, were &oth a&sent of emotion and humanit#% !he# were not states of &eing human or personal, while Self-Realization, though :di"ine; in the sense that at first it felt entirel# &e#ond the personal, in the end merged with the personal and &rought the di"ine &a$k into e"er#da# life as transforming energies and lo"e% Onl# thus $an a tea$her trul# transform an#one else &e$ause he $an see dire$tl# into a student?s heart, and use that seeing to effe$t $hange, dire$tl# from his own heart, or &# $reating a $ontext that will $hange the student% !hat is, he learns how to $ook with lo"e and heart energ#, and entrainment of the student to his own &eingness and lo"e% One?s humanit# is re$laimed through lo"e and de"otion towards all inner phenomena that arises in $ons$iousness, &ut also &# lo"ing de"otion in the world, to another person, a lo"er, a $hild, a guru, or e"en an animal% Fere, real-world $hange happens where &efore #ou were merel# an explorer of the inner world% After awakening to one?s non-existen$e as a mental o&5e$t, one now needs to &e$ome a lo"er of all experien$es arising from within, su$h as emotions and energies, and also a lo"er of e"er#thing and e"er#one in the world%
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At this point, a whole new world and a whole new me $an &e &orn, one of an infinitel# $hanging fullness of the heart, where emotions and internal energies, the so $alled 'hi and 7undalini energies, and their &lissful and e$stati$ offspring, ha"e as mu$h or more power than an#thing in the formerl# experien$ed external world% A new world is experien$ed, one of magi$, where walls, trees, grass, and the moon are seen more as sentient and li"ing entities as opposed to mere o&5e$ts% e &egin to see the entire world as energies and $ons$iousness whi$h $onstantl# $hanges and flows% It is the mind with its network of thought, whi$h imposes an apparentl# solidit# and permanen$e onto the flux of $ons$iousness% All this too passes as we &egin to understand the transitor# nature of all experien$e, e"en trans$endental experien$e, and allow oursel"es to open to all mo"ements of energ#, emotions and thought through our &odies and our sense of presen$e% e a$$ept all experien$es% e a$$ept lo"e, loss, fear, 5ealous#, and hatred first as guests, passing through our $ons$iousness, and then sometimes as identified as us, as the host% e identif# with the feelings rather than as an entit# experien$ing feelings% 4othing is solid and fixed%
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!he >I? and realit# flow and $hange $onstantl#, &ut I, as a law-a&iding mem&er of so$iet#, taxpa#er, hus&and, or wife, is not destro#ed, &ut I realize that I am mu$h, mu$h more than this% I am without &oundaries or la&els% I am &e#ond &oth &od# and mind% I am the "astness of spa$e and the light of $ons$iousness at the same time% I am also the presen$e that per"ades all of spa$e, &oth inner and outer, and through whi$h e$stas# and &liss $ommonl# flow and then spill out into the world of men% I am also human% I ha"e a &od#% I ha"e desires% I ha"e emotions% I seek lo"e and gi"e lo"e as part of e"er#da# life, 5ust as I dress ea$h morning and sleep ea$h e"ening% I am e"er#thing, human and di"ine, and nothing is to &e despised or thrown awa# on$e #ou li"e from the heart with the mind now fun$tioning as an o&edient ser"ant% !o me, the onl# truth to &e found an#where is one?s own truth as found in one?s own uninterpreted experien$es left unexpressed, for as soon as #ou open #our mouth, #ou ha"e lied% <ou ha"e put the underl#ing fluxing $ons$iousness into fixed words and $on$epts% <ou there&# tell a falsehood, whi$h someone else will interpret in their own wa#, and then tell their "ersion of that lie to someone else as a new truth% Onl# when #ou are silent, with mind Cuieted, li"ing from one?s heart, onl# then will #ou li"e in truth%
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!his is so "er#, "er# important% <ou do not li"e in truth as long as #our attention and energies are fo$used in #our &rain, dealing with images, $on$epts, ideas, $ommuni$ation, and doing, or fo$used on a guru or tea$her% As long as #ou look to perfe$t #ourself, to :kill the ego,; to &e$ome more :pure,; to &e$ome enlightened or more lo"ing, to &e$ome what #ou think #ou should &e, instead of honestl# &eing who and what #ou are, #ou will alwa#s &e unhapp#, dr# and in$omplete% !he onl# spiritual $on$ept that means an#thing to me is :Self-Realization,; gaining knowledge and a$$eptan$e of who and what #ou are, and #ou are so "er#, "er# extraordinar#, far &e#ond e"en #our most exoti$ $on$epts% <ou ha"e no idea of how extraordinar# #ou are until #ou start looking within #ourself instead of outside in spiritual &ooks, poetr#, the "arious gitas, +i&les, 7oran, and to all the gurus in the world% 4one $an show #ou how extraordinar# #ou are, &e$ause #our inner and outer worlds are un&elie"a&l# ri$h &e#ond #our present imagination, on$e #ou &egin to explore all le"els of #our existen$e with an open mind and heart% !he world #ou will dis$o"er is like a spiritual mansion with hundreds of rooms of differing
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experien$es, su$h as emptiness, lo"e, e$stas#, 7undalini and 'hi energies, auras and healing, silen$e and pea$e, and ea$h $ould take months to explore% Other rooms are not so ni$e to dwell in, &ut the# need to &e explored also or else the# keep showing up at the oddest and most in$on"enient times, demanding re$ognition% !here are "ast ri$hes inside, man#, man# kinds of emptiness and Moids that a$t as $ontainers for all inner and outer experien$es% !here is lo"e and self-lo"e, so deep, so "ast, #et so ephemeral and so sweet that #ou will drop to #our knees in awe and utter sho$k at the gra$e someone or something has &estowed on #ou% <ou $an feel lo"e as gra$e, as healing, as an all-filling sweet fragran$e that then dissipates into o&5e$tless samadhis and utter de"otion to *od or $ons$iousness, whate"er interpretation #ou &ring to that experien$e% <ou will ha"e experien$es of the rising of a deep power and energ# from inside #our torso and heart that arises and shows #ou, the human #ou, the splendor of #our true deepest Self, the >I Am?, the so $alled 9ourth State of !uri#a that Ramana and 4isargadatta talk a&out% <ou trul# will experien$e lo"e so deep #ou feel like #ou no longer need to &reathe and #ou &e$ome as light as a $loud, totall# $omplete and fulfilled, and this experien$e will fill #our life and &od# with su$h &liss
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that #ou will feel #ou $annot tolerate it an# more, that #ou will explode in e$stas#% <ou will fall in lo"e like #ou were O0 again% <ou will dis$o"er an aspe$t of self, one?s sense of presen$e, or the >I Am? that permeates &oth &od# and mind, and fills #ou with energ#, lo"e, and the life for$e itself% 9inall# and graduall#, all the great spiritual sa#ings, all the works of all the masters will &e$ome in$reasing $lear to #ou after #ou ha"e let go of the need to understand, for #ou will &e dwelling in #our heart, operating from the heart, with a silent mind that is the heart?s perfe$t ser"ant% One will :rea$h out; into the world from #our heart, feeling the world, tou$hing it, lo"ing it, others, and #ourself, totall#, tenderl#, and $ompassionatel#% !his is what this &ook is a&out, it is a manual on how to es$ape &eing the ser"ant of #our mind, to find #our true self in the heart as well as all the other mansion-rooms of existen$e that are also #ou on man# different le"els% <ou are a "er#, "er# $omplex entit#, with man# le"els of existen$e% <et, the paradox is, the more #ou know #ou, the less #ou appear to exist= As wondrous as these dis$o"eries are, I am not sa#ing the :path; is eas#% In a sense it means a radi$al
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falling awa# of all ideas and self-$on$epts, of all &eliefs, and of the $on"entions whi$h are #our life% I am not sa#ing #ou will lose e"er#thing, &ut #ou must &e read# to lose e"er#thing, and mu$h will &e lost, su$h as ignoran$e, pain, and a num&ness to life, and with it, #ou will also feel more deepl# the sorrow of the world and an awakened sense of $ompassion and the need to &e #our &rothers? keeper, along with the power to a$tuall# make $hanges in the world% <et, some of #ou will find so mu$h pea$e and happiness at dis$o"ering who and what #ou reall# are, #ou will not &e a&le to mo"e to $hange or perfe$t an#thing in the world% <ou will &e at pea$e and at lo"e% So, this is a spiritual &ook pro&a&l# unlike most #ou ha"e read &efore% It urges #ou to stud# #ourself, find #our sense of $ore existen$e, the >I Am? and to lo"e it% Also it strongl# suggests that #ou find someone or something in the world to lo"e, to awaken the a&ilit# to lo"e in #ou, wat$h the lo"e grow until it is $ompletel# un&eara&le, and then #ou will dis$o"er that lo"e is from #ou, #ou ha"e $reated it, <OB ARE LOME I!SEL9= !hat is one of the ma5or rooms one finds in that inner mansion% ith that dis$o"er# and man# others like it, #ou will &e$ome $omplete, whole, lo"ed, find that #our essen$e trans$ends e"en life itself, that all of existen$e is onl# #our pla#thing% 4ot that #ou $an
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alwa#s $hange an# of it, &ut the &ite, the sting will &e gone from #our own suffering, and #ou will find a profound self-$ourage, self-&elief, and selfa$$eptan$e, along with an a$$eptan$e that the path ne"er ends% Ea$h step &e$omes as &reathtakingl# magnifi$ent as the last%
"el* +eali$ation Lake "hrine, ,a'i*i' ,alisa#es%
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The *elico+ter
One da# while listening to a !eisho at Mount +ald# ,en 'enter gi"en &# Sasaki Roshi, he mentioned that one of his students from the Los Angeles $enter had $omplained a&out heli$opters fl#ing o"erhead during meditation and at night% !he student was deepl# distur&ed and distra$ted &# their passing% 'imarron is lo$ated in one of the poorer and more $rime ridden parts of town, and poli$e and news heli$opters are e"er present% Sasaki had responded to him, :<ou onl# feel this wa# &e$ause it is not #our heli$opter% If it were #our heli$opter #ou would delightedl# point to the sk# and tell others, >!hat is m# heli$opter=? +e$ause it is not #ours, #ou feel irritated &e$ause it interrupts #our pattern and what #ou are doing% +ut if it were #our heli$opter, it would &e following #our &idding%; Is not that true for all of usD It is when we think something is out of our $ontrol, that it &e$omes an irritant, whether it is our o&sessi"e thinking, or the noise of the air $onditioner at the apartment next door, or a &arking dog% 4ow this is what spiritualit# is all a&out( identifi$ation and what we identif# with% If we $an
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identif# with e"er#thing as me, then there are no pro&lems% As I ha"e said man# times &efore, spiritualit# is exploring all the dimensions of self, and the analog# I used is that the self is as a hundred room mansion, and we need to enter and explore e"er# room so we feel $omforta&le in an# part of the house, e"en those parts that we ha"e not so far owned, su$h as re5e$ted anger, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, depression, and 5ealous#, as well as the entire :apparentl# external; world% !hrough the spiritual :work; pro$ess, through internal in"estigation and a&iding in the >I Am?, and e"entuall# a&iding in the Self, we experien$e all the dimensions and aspe$ts of the Self, all the hidden rooms and $losets, the &asements and the atti$s, and the penthouses of our inner and outer mansion% e own it all, and then we are a&le to pass easil# from room to room, emotion to emotion, apparent pro&lem to apparent pro&lem, from depression to &liss, from ph#si$al pain to sleep, from sorrow to deepest lo"e, all without &atting an e#e, totall# identified with whate"er arises, or with the emptiness that $ontains it, or with &oth, or with neither, &e$ause it is all us, me, >I Am?E nothing hostile, nothing threatening, 5ust me%
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e &e$ome infinitel# plia&le, sometimes &eing the witness or host, sometimes identif#ing with the feelings, sometimes &oth simultaneousl#, &e$oming oneness, and sometimes we identif# with none of the phenomena, taking the position of the A&solute, as pure, untou$hed witness% In essen$e, we a$$ept e"er#thing as >me?, whi$h is the first stageE meaning we $an pass easil# from room to room, state to state, engage in an# a$ti"it# or rest, while eCuall# en5o#ing e"er#thing% !his is the first stage, learning e"er#thing is me% 9or example, we look around usE we look at the walls of our room that we are in at this moment, or the trees and sk# if we are outside% It feels external to us, that we are separate from it as the :outside%; +ut there is something #ou ha"e to realize, without #ou, as the su&5e$t, there is no o&5e$t, there is no external world% Leople in that external world $an tell #ou there is an external world, &ut the# are telling >#ou? the su&5e$t% !he# are 5ust o&5e$ts too% +ut #ou :pre$ede; an# of them% If #ou did not exist, there would &e no :external world; from the "iewpoint of where #our &od# is in that parti$ular, apparent spa$etime of that external world% !hat is, there ma# &e an external world that is o&5e$ti"e to all, &ut without #ou &eing present as
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sentien$e, as the su&5e$tE there would &e no awareness of that external world at #our apparent pla$e in that spa$e% <ou are an indi"idual drop of sentien$e sitting in a $hair at Star&u$ks, $reating the huge infinit# of the world% !his is the greatness of #our power, part of the magnifi$en$e of #our mansion, &ut #ou miss it &e$ause the world does not appear to &e #ours, &ut an :other%; In this sense, with #ou as $reator, that external world and e"er#thing in it is #ours% ithout #ou &eing present, as su&5e$t, as witness, there would &e no external world% <ou must understand this% Se$ondl#, if #ou go "er# deepl# inside during meditation, when #ou plunge deepl# into #our inner self experien$e, at some point #ou will suddenl# :turn around; and fa$e the :outside; again, and totall# emerge outside of #ourself so to speak, outside of that :inner self; that #ou had &een di"ing into deepl#, and reenter the world without an# mind, without an# mental a$ti"it# whatsoe"er% <our &od# and mind will ha"e disappeared, and there will onl# &e the external world% !hen there will onl# &e the sound of an airplane passing o"erhead, the sound of the wind in the trees, the green forest &lowing in the wind against the &lue sk# &a$kground, and #ou will :+E'OME !FE ORL);%
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!hat is, #ou as &od#3mind will ha"e disappeared, and onl# the :external; world as per$ei"ed will exist, and #ou will &e$ome that% !his is $alled 4ir"akalpa samadhi% !here is onl# Oneness hereE one $ons$iousness, one world and #ou are that% E"er#thing is me in this world% <ou identif# with e"er#thing in the external world% <ou know &# dire$t seeing, dire$t feeling, that e"er#thing in the world is #ou &e$ause #our &od# and mind do not exist an#more% <our mind is not thinking, and #ou are no longer aware of #our &od#% <ou see #our identit# with e"er# !FI4* in the world whi$h moments &efore were apparentl# external to #ou% hen the >#ou? disappears, ><OB? &e$omes mu$h larger, em&ra$ing e"er#thing as #our identit#% +ut this is not awakening% !he state is temporar#, &ut it does show #ou that $ons$iousness is Oneness, that it is the mind that $reates the separation &etween the apparent #ou when #ou are not in samadhi, and the external world whi$h is ><OB? when the selfawareness of &eing a little person $onfined to a &od# disappears% !hen there is onl# one $ons$iousness, at least on the surfa$e, identifi$ation with the world as seen &# the senses, &ut we ha"e #et to penetrate the man# le"els lower into $ons$iousness, heading for the deepest le"el of $ons$iousness, and then &e#ond% !his
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identifi$ation with the totalit# of the world is 5ust a &eginning of mansion-exploration% !he next le"el down after the gross external world per$ept is the world of thought, whi$h is part of what the 6nanis -Self-Realized persons in the eastern traditions. $all the su&tle &od#% hen we ha"e pra$ti$ed meditation long enough, we $an a$tuall# wat$h thoughts $ome and go, as external waifs, su&tle entities, mu$h like tin# ghosts that are translu$ent, the size of a ni$kel floating around inside the "isual field around us% !hese are uni"ersal thoughtsE these are the thoughts of the human ra$e and our $ulture% !hese are thoughts like :$hair,; :right and wrong,; :should and should not,; :atom,; :mole$ule,; :ra$ial identit#,; :dog or $at,; :hus&and,; :wife,; and :famil#%; All these thoughts float around throughout our $ulture, through our sense of presen$e, inside of our &odies, and some $ome to rest in our &rain where the# take root and we think, e"aluate and 5udge, and $reate an external world "ersus an internal world, me "ersus not me% !hus thought $reates the apparent external world, it di"ides the <OB into me "ersus the not me or world% Sooner or later #ou &egin to understand that thinking is the pro&lem, and that #ou ha"e to sink
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deeper into $ons$iousness to find realit#, whate"er that is% !hen #ou go deeper, #ou let #our awareness sink deeper into the $ons$iousness of #ourself, deeper than the mind or emotions% Some neo-Ad"aitins &elie"e that emotions arise onl# after the mind $reates stories to sustain them% !his is not true, although the mind $an $reate stories that do $ause emotions, mostl# the emotions arise first, and then stories arise% 9or example, a growling dog running towards us $reates fear, and fear is an emotion% !hen we ma# think a&out &eing &itten, and then run like hell% Emotions are like thatE sometimes the# are immediate responses to situations in the apparentl# external world, and are "er# primiti"e wa#s of adapti"el# rea$ting to the world% Or else we see our girlfriend talking to some other gu# in what appears to &e a "er# intimate wa#, and instantaneousl# we freeze, we feel an explosion in our $hest, our whole &od# freezes, with sho$k and utter dis&elief, and then fear arises% !his is 5ealous#, full&lown% !hen we ma# $reate stories whi$h sustain the 5ealous feelings, &ut initiall# it is felt as a $rushing explosion and &eing stunned into silent dis&elief that our lo"er ma# disappear%
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!his emotionalit# is perhaps the most diffi$ult le"el of our existen$e we ha"e to explore% !his is the le"el that is most frightening for most people% !his is the le"el of our existen$e that most distur&s us, and it is what $auses most people to run into spiritualit# in the first pla$e, to es$ape emotional suffering% !his is the world of depression, rage, anxiet#, fear, 5ealous#, hopelessness, helplessness, sorrow, loss, &ut also of lo"e, longing, and desire, whi$h $an lead to pure energ# states of &liss and e$stas#, whi$h themsel"es are $reated from internall# mo"ing o$eans of lo"e, longing and de"otion that we &egin to feel% !his is the le"el where ps#$hotherap# works, where ps#$hotropi$ medi$ation works, where #our de"otion and lo"e lead to in$reased sensiti"it# and desire to feel all of #our emotions, no matter how fear pro"oking, no matter how frightening, no matter how dense the# appear, &e$ause we know that with the full feeling of them, and the full a$$eptan$e of them, $omes in$reasing fearlessness to experien$e all the parts of our self% !his is the most diffi$ult le"el of all% Mer# few people e"er $ompletel# experien$e all aspe$ts of their emotionalit# that ha"e &een repressed sin$e $hildhood, &# so$iet#, $on"ention, and parental tea$hing% It is m# &elief that this area is mostl#
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ignored &# all of the Asian religions and spiritual pra$ti$es, ex$ept the part a&out de"otion% It is this le"el that Asian spiritual pra$ti$es mostl# miss, and this explains the :failures; of man# eastern tea$hers in our so$iet#% A few deal with emotionalit#, like Ra5neesh, and utilize emotionalit# to make spiritual progress, &ut others, su$h as Ramana, 4isargadatta and m# own tea$her, Ro&ert Adams, ignored this part of the Self% 9or example, man# Ramana followers refer to emotions as :guests,; as the# are temporar#, transient, and in that sense, unreal, and we should not identif# with them% I think this is a &ig mistake to re5e$t portions of our experien$e as >not-I?, 5ust &e$ause the# are temporar#% Su$h a mindset $an lead to a sense of aloofness, an un$aring attitude towards suffering, and also of &eing authenti$ in the moment% e are taught from an earl# age what feelings are a$$epta&le and ok to express, and those that are una$$epta&le and must &e repressed, espe$iall# in the area of sexualit#% e learn moralit#, $reate a super ego that tells us what to do in parti$ular situations( whi$h feelings to repress, whi$h feelings to den#, whi$h $reates a tight $ontainer of repression around an area of feelings whi$h are alwa#s tr#ing to es$ape and &e owned &# the totalit# of our $ons$iousness% Ls#$holog# explores all the kinds of me$hanisms that
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the mind uses to suppress these emotions, and how the emotions graduall# leak through mental me$hanisms in order to express themsel"es un$ons$iousl#, and often in destru$ti"e wa#s% Most people who go into spiritualit# should reall# &e with a good ps#$hotherapist so that the# learn how to dwell in a full a$$eptan$e of the personal, the "ulnera&le human side of oneself, as opposed to the trans$endental side that Ramana, 4isargadatta and Ro&ert Adams talk a&out% Most spiritual seekers ha"e an idea of the trans$endental side, of what Ramana?s interior life was like, and want to rea$h that stage of :imagined; lo"e, self a$$eptan$e, and &eing untou$hed &# life, and want to go there without going through an opening of all of their emotionalit#, "ulnera&ilit#, fragilit#, &rokenness and fear% +ut as 7en il&ur pointed out, as well as man# others, the stuff that was ne"er $ompleted, the emotional work that was ne"er $ompleted, espe$iall# re"ol"ing around issues of lo"e and losing lo"e, will alwa#s $ome around to &ite #ou again, no matter how mu$h progress #ou make towards the trans$endental, no matter how man# states of samadhi #ou ha"e experien$ed, no matter how man# times #ou had lu$id dreams, no matter how man# times #ou ha"e tou$hed the >I Am? and then &een immersed in it, #ou will
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alwa#s &e pulled &a$k into dealing with #our humanit# and the human $ondition% <ou $an do it now, or do it later after #ears of frustrating seeking and tr#ing to attain the A&solute% 4ext we go a little deeper, into what Siddharameshwar $alled the :$ausal &od#%; !his is an extremel# important experien$e for the foundation of finall# attaining the A&solute% !he essen$e of the $ausal &od# is of :ignoran$e; of the a&sen$e of knowledge, otherwise known as $ons$iousness% !he $ausal &od#, when witnessed itself, also pro"ides the spe$ial stru$ture whi$h allows the world to &e $reated in, for the world $annot &e seen ex$ept as spread out in three dimensions within the flow of time% !his is the inherent internal stru$ture of sentien$e to arrange all things for $ons$iousness to make sense of the world &# $reating inner and outer spa$e, and is $alled emptiness or the Moid% !he 'ausal +od# is that Moid, and to rea$h awakening, Self-Realization, reCuires thorough awareness of the Moid on e"er# le"el of &eing% e must know and lo"e the pea$efulness of emptiness, of the Moid, &e$ause that pea$efulness :eats; the fear, &lo$king further exploration and self-a$$eptan$e%
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hen entering the $ausal &od#, the mind &e$omes hard like a ro$k% !he &rain feels hea"#% !hinking stops% !here is no room in the &rain for thought to enter% One feels as if one is going un$ons$ious, &e$ause in man# wa#s, thinking and awareness go together, and when thinking stops, awareness sometimes stops also% One feels that one is sinking into sleep, into nothingness, non-existen$e% e are self-aware that our awareness is getting dimmer and dimmer% !hen a moment passes, and we re$ognize for a period of time, we were not aware at all% e :remem&er; that for a moment we were not $ons$ious of an#thing, we were not self-aware, #et we know we existed &e$ause something in us remem&ers that we did not exist for a period of time% !he same with sleepE is it not true that we $an ha"e dreamless sleep and awaken during the middle of the night and feel :in our guts; that some hours ha"e passedD e ma# not know how man#, &ut e"en if in a dark room we know it is not time to get up #et% Our &od# is not #et rested enough% e know we ha"e &een asleep for more than 10 minutes, &ut do not know exa$tl# how man# hours% Fowe"er, we are aware, that we were not aware of an#thing or of oursel"es during some period of time% !hat is, we know it in our gut so to speak, that we existed, &ut were not aware of our existen$e for some duration in time% e know that we
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did not know an#thing for a while% :knowing ignoran$e%;
!his is $alled
In other words, we are aware that sometimes we are not aware, not self-aware, nor aware of the world% !hen at other times, $ons$iousness appears, existen$e appears, phenomena appear% !his is what 4isargadatta $alls :knowledge%; !he phenomenal world, its appearan$e, he $alls knowledge% !hen he sa#s, there is a prin$iple in us that is aware or awareness, and also is aware of not &eing aware at times% !he wa# he puts it is there is a prin$ipal in us that re$ognizes knowledge and the a&sen$e of knowledge or ignoran$e% !here is in us a prin$iple whi$h re$ognizes $ons$iousness, and then the disappearan$e of $ons$iousness% !his is something #ou must stud# profoundl#% <ou must &e$ome deepl# aware #ourself, of that prin$iple whi$h is there &efore $ons$iousness arri"es, is there while $ons$iousness is present, and is there when $ons$iousness lea"es, and this $ons$iousness is knowledge of existen$e of the world and all other le"els of inner awareness, as well as the lea"ing of awareness% Siddharameshwar and 4isargadatta $all this the supra-$ausal &od#, or the >I Am?, whi$h is also known as !uri#a, or the fourth state%
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!his is the fundamental state of existen$eE this is the fundamental le"el of $ons$iousnessE this is where the sense of >I Am? arisesE this is the fundamental state whi$h permeates all the others, the $ausal &od# that re$ognizes the $oming and going of $ons$iousness, the intelle$t, emotions, and the gross world and &od# that we see on the surfa$e, what most people $all the :real; world% It is the attaining of the re$ognition and dire$t experien$e of !uri#a, the >I Am?, whi$h is $alled Self-Realization% I mentioned a&o"e that when one passes through the $ausal &od# when di"ing deep into one?s inner spa$e, the "oid, suddenl# the mind drops totall# out of the &rain, and the little #ou disappears, awareness of the &od# and mind disappears, and suddenl# the &ig ><OB? appears, whi$h is identi$al with the totalit# of the worldA5ust one $ons$iousness, and #ou are that% !his is the >I Am? state of OnenessE !uri#a permeates all the other states% +ut in Oneness, #ou ha"e identified with !uri#a, the totalit# of existen$e with no di"ision &etween ><OB? and the world% !here is 5ust Oneness% 4ow the exploration of !uri#a $an a$tuall# take #ears, &e$ause it has so man# different fa$ets, so man# different essen$es, so man# different Cualities, su$h as lo"e, &liss, e$stas#, de"otion, gra$e, and a sense of the di"ine, of &eing held in :*od?s; hands so
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to speak% It is an experien$e of the trans$endental, of &eing &e#ond this world, of &eing the totalit# of lo"e and all of the other Cualities we miss-attri&ute to *od, whi$h is reall# part of ><OB?, #ourself% !his is when #ou ma# &egin to experien$e amazing things, su$h as experien$es of the rising of the Self within one?s own $ons$iousness as an ordinar# human &eing-witness, and re$ognizing from some m#sterious pla$e that #ou are that ma5esti$, awful, huge energeti$ &eing that is rising in #ou like *od with immense ma5est#% <ou $annot take #our e#es off of this e$stati$ entit# that #ou are, filled with light, lo"e, de"otion and energ#E then follows repeated experien$es thusl# of Self-Realization% Fowe"er, e"en this is not the last step% !here is one more% At some point #ou realize that all of this experien$e, all of the world, all of $ons$iousness in$luding the "arious samadhis, &lisses, e$stasies, lo"e, and Self-Realizations are happening to that &asi$ prin$iple of sentien$e, that whi$h is aware of the $oming and going of $ons$iousness% E"en !uri#a is witnessed, &ut &# whatD 'ons$iousness ma# $ome of these huge experien$es, all of these life-$hanging experien$es of Self-Realization, unit#, oneness, &liss, e$stas#, #et
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there is a prin$iple whi$h is aware of all this, and then also is aware of all this passing awa# into ignoran$e% 'ons$iousness and the la$k of $ons$iousness, with the disappearan$e of $ons$iousness, are &oth seen as not tou$hing that &asi$ prin$iple of Sentien$e whi$h witnesses &oth, whi$h is prior to &oth, whi$h is prior to $ons$iousness and un$ons$iousness% !his is what Siddharameshwar, 4isargadatta, and Ro&ert mean &# :Lara-+rahman%; !his is the state &e#ond states, !uri#atta, or the A&solute, or the itness, whi$h in ,en is $alled the Bn&orn% !his :state; is not a state &e$ause it is entirel# &e#ond existen$e% !he term :state; &elongs to $ons$iousness and the A&solute is &e#ond $ons$iousness, as if in a different dimension of non-existen$e, like the uni"erse &efore the +ig +ang% !his is #et a further understanding, a refinement of #our spiritual intelligen$e, a final growing up% !he entiret# of the hundred or thousand room mansion of spiritual experien$e rests on this Sentien$e% ithout this underl#ing prin$iple there would &e no awareness of an#thing, not of Self or of the world% At first #ou hear this truth as expressed &# Siddharameshwar, 4isargadatta and &# me% After a while #ou &egin to feel it is true% After a while #ou
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&egin to feel the truth as a deep $on"i$tion spread throughout #our entire &od#, #ou feel it is true in a $ompletel# different wa# than #ou experien$e knowledge of the world, or &ook knowledge, or knowledge of the sutras, or knowledge of what gurus sa#% <ou feel it as truth in #our own deepest sense of &eing% !he truth permeates throughout #ou and #our &od# as utter $on"i$tion% Ramesh +alsekar refers to this wa# of knowing as :apper$eption%; One apper$ei"es that one exists prior to existen$e, and that this :witness,; :entit#,; Lara-+rahman is ><ou?, the deepest part of #ou, and with it $omes utter self$onfiden$e and fearlessness% <ou also realize that that state of 4ir"akalpa Samadhi that #ou experien$e after the mind disappears and #ou &e$ome the whole world, is where the a&solute, Lara-+rahman, identifies with the >I Am?, with oneness% !his is the highest experiential state, &ut now #ou realize it as the :knowledge; of !uri#a, the fourth state, &# that whi$h is &e#ond an# state, an# existen$e, and #ou are :!hat;% Fowe"er, unlike Ad"aita, our wa# is not to ex$lude the temporar#, the world and emotions as us, &ut to &e a&le to di"e into that human flux, and not get stu$k in the trans$endent%
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At this point, #ou are now a&le to go &a$k and explore all other rooms of #our spiritual mansion left unseen &# #our haste to get to the $on$lusion% <ou $an &egin on$e again to explore the inner world of feared emotions that $ould not &e fa$ed &efore, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, 5ealous# and rage, &ut we do it in a different wa# now, fearlessl#, and ha"ing passed through the $ausal &od# whi$h gi"es us the spa$e to experien$e e"er#thing, we $an explore and feel now as ne"er &efore, fearlessl#, without the sting and hurt we used to feel% In the ,en s$heme, this is returning to the marketpla$e, &eing totall# oneself, for e"er#thing is me and I am $omforta&le with me where"er $ons$iousness takes me, howe"er it unfolds% Letter from Student: I ha"e &een reading all #our notes and the# ha"e trul# &een speaking to me% I 5ust feel like sharing with #ou% I feel deepl# understood &# #our words% I am QH #ears old now% 9or the last 1O #ears I li"ed with a man, a good man% e started like an# $ouple, full# in lo"e, &ut graduall#, with all the pain that $omes from an atta$hment - Fe flirted a lot., I grew to witness it and rea$hed a pla$e with him where we &e$ame like $lose platoni$ friends% !here was a lot of pain &ut it all went awa#% I painted% I wrote poetr#% I
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headed a team of OG ph#si$al therapists% I was &us# and $ontented, I thought% !ill one #ear ago, a #oung man, OO #ears of age, 5oined as a therapist and we fell in lo"e% I think I must ha"e suppressed so mu$h% I did not realize how man# &eliefs I had li"ed with, &ut the# all went out of the window% I told m# partner I had fallen in lo"e with this new person and I left his home with a suit$ase% Fe was "er# hurt &ut there was no holding me &a$k% I was read# to li"e with this OO #ear old and we e"en tried% In fa$t, m# &oss, for whom we &oth work -in different $apa$ities. asked us to shift together to another $it#% I went $raz#% 4othing and no&od#@s 5udgment on this mattered to me% +ut soon I found out he was not as mu$h in lo"e with me or read# to li"e together as I was, and it all &roke down% I &e$ame like a O0 #ear old, madl# in lo"e% 4ow he has gone% I li"e alone and work, and it was re"ealed to me, a past lifetime with this person where he died O weeks &efore our wedding% So mu$h is the same this life% I know &etter, I understand and e"en feel the truth of things, as in, the 5o# and pea$e of not needing an#thingE &ut for some reason, I 5ust $annot let go of this person% I was like a spiritual person seeking freedom -I was initiated 1/ #rs ago., &ut &e$ame so dead%
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And this person @kissed ali"e m# dead da#s@% And now I am in deep anguish and a feeling of su$h loss% Fe has mo"ed on% I feel so deepl# alone and deserted% Some da#s, there is a Cuiet a$$eptan$e of all things &ut mostl# a deep and unfathoma&le $ra"ing to &e with this personE 5ust tr#ing to li"e% M# heart feels so "er# &roken, so shattered% I tend to &e "er# intense and "er# "ulnera&le in lo"e% And I think I ha"e s$ared awa# this person, e"en though I @ga"e@ all the freedom to him% I ne"er held him, ne"er made rules for himE I e"en helped him to de$ide to meet an old girlfriend of his whom I knew he felt like meeting% I feel like a s$hizophreni$ person - one part of me longs, pines awa# for him and the other part of me made $hoi$es that helped him go his wa#% I don?t e"en know how to explain this% I don@t know how $losure $an happen here% Fow does it all healD I 5ust felt like talking to #ouE something so kind in #our fa$e% My Response: <ou ha"e made a tremendous dis$o"er#% Mu$h of spiritualit# ends in deadness% After 1/ #ears of spiritual pra$ti$es, whi$h I assume means meditation and reading a&out non-atta$hment, and going into
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7rishna or 'hrist $ons$iousness or su$h, or to Lara+rahman, and &eing in a lo"e relationship that died, #ou had died% !hen, like me, #ou were :kissed ali"e%; 4ow #our heart is torn open and #ou feel great anguish, self-dou&t, se$ond guessing, wondering what #ou did wrong, depressed and angr#% +ut in fa$t #ou are 5ust &eginning a new 5ourne# of ali"eness, rawness, and intensit# that e"entuall# $an result in the greatest of all awakenings, SelfRealization through lo"e of others and of #our own Self, #our >I Am?% !hough the intense emotionalit# ma# seem hard to &ear now, it will likel# get e"en worse, and &# that, I mean more intense% It is this intensit#, graduall# growing in strength, that prepares #our &od#, and #our sense of presen$e, whi$h is #our selfawareness of who #ou are, for &oth an awakening of spiritual intelligen$e, &ut also prepares the wa# for the Self, as >I Am,? to re"eal itself to #ou, as ><ou?%
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Siddharameshwar, Nisargadattas guru.
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)onsciousness ,iagram
This diagram characterizes one model of consciousness as experienced by meditators in one Advaita tradition, namely that of Nisargadatta Maharaj and his teacher iddharamesh!ar" #ou need to understand that all models are false, incomplete metaphors, but at the same time can offer the see$ing mind a conceptual structure to hang on to, allo!ing the see$er to stop philosophizing about consciousness, and to just dive !ithin" %ther teachers !ill have other models, other methods, and the students !ill ma$e other discoveries" There is no one best !ay, or best a!a$ening" iddharamesh!ar states there are four levels of consciousness, starting !ith the everyday experience of body and !orld" This is !here everyone habitually lives" &elo! that, or one might say, more subtle than that is the ubtle &ody, !hich is our inner, mental !orld of inner space or void, the light of consciousness, emotions, and the internal energies, !hether called 'undalini, (hi, or )rana" &elo! that is the great dar$ *oid !here the meditator entirely loses a!areness of the !orld, the ubtle body, and even all self a!areness" +t is a state of conscious sleep, !herein after one has returned from this state, he or she remembers that he or she !as still existent, but there is no trace of !hat this state !as li$e experientially" +t is a veil of forgetfulness and is the flip side of $no!ingness" The Absolute $no!s both $no!ing and un$no!ing" &elo! that is our core elf experience, the ,+ Am,, Turiya" +ts nature is of brilliant light, ecstatic love, and infinitely flo!ing energies, or ha$ti" This bliss energy lea$s up!ards, through the (ausal and ubtle bodies, into the everyday a!areness of the persistent meditator"
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%ne arrives at this state by locating the sense of -+. !ithin one.s ubtle &ody and follo!ing it do!n!ards through the (ausal &ody into the core elf, Turiya" &liss and the -+ Am. feeling open a tunnel for the meditator to follo! in order to claim the deepest state of personal consciousness" After experiencing this state for a !hile, the meditator recognizes that although this state + the -+/Am. feeling, that he or she is still apart from it" 0e or she really is beyond the totality of consciousness itself as the supreme !itness, the Absolute, the Noumenal elf !hich can never be seen as an object, but only experienced !hen becoming the Absolute" To the meditator in this state, consciousness is felt to be insubstantial, an unreal presence that comes and goes, and the only reality is the unmoving !itness of the Absolute, !hich -+ Am." +t is from this noumenal, non/existence that the !orld and all four bodies of consciousness emerge" %ne might say all of existence is only a reflection of the mystery of me as the Absolute" 0ere !e ma$e the very clear distinction that the -+. feeling, the -+/Am., is really a reflection of something deeper, un$no!n and un$no!able, the eternal mystery of me" The ghost/li$e entity is one.s sense of presence, !hich is !hat !e consider to be -me., and this changes as !e get deeper and deeper into consciousness" Me gets !ider and deeper through meditation until it expands into 'rishna consciousness, Turiya1 the full/blo!n -+ Am. experience" #et even this is transcended, after !hich the entire structure of consciousness, body, -+ Am., and the Absolute are o!ned as -me."
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Nisargadatta Maharaj
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The -.. oom Mansion

I want #ou to 5oin me for a minute, and do an introspe$tion of #our su&5e$ti"it# along with me% Some of what I will talk a&out #ou will not find inside #ourself, some #ou willE and a lot of what #ou will find inside #ourself I will not talk a&out% e $ome from different pla$es, different experien$es, and different spiritual pra$ti$es% +ut I would like to start% I am going to tell #ou what I find when I look within% Lerhaps #ou $an 5oin me% After e"er# paragraph or two, please $lose #our e#es and look within to see what #ou will find% hen I look inside m#self, the first thing I see is emptiness% And &# that I mean it is a pure "isual spa$e that $ontains e"er#thing, the &od# in$luding the organs, mus$les, &onesAnone of whi$h I reall# feel% I feel energies and $ir$ulating sensations inside% 4ow this spa$e opens up and $ontains e"er#thing around me( the entire $ontent of the room and the sounds% It is self-illumined, meaning that although the inner spa$e when I look inside is dark, it also &e$omes illumined the more we pra$ti$e inner awareness% !he spa$e itself is lighted, and expands e"er#where in$luding inside me and outside into the rest of the room, and into spa$e outside%
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+esides that, where I imagine m# legs to &eA &e$ause m# e#es are $losed, I $annot see themAI feel energies rising from m# toes into m# $al"es and into m# thighs% And I feel energies arising in m# a&domen, rising into the mus$les of m# &a$k and shoulders, into m# fa$e and m# s$alp, and into m# arms, into m# hands and fingers and then out into spa$e% At least that is how it feels% 9rom that same spa$e in m# a&domen, slightl#A four or fi"e in$hes &elow the heartAI feel an uprising of energ#% !he energ# has the spe$ifi$ $olor of lo"e, whi$h fills the heart area and radiates out into the world% M# fa$e feels flushed with these energies% M# &od# sometimes feels like a powder keg% !his "aries% It will $hange in fifteen, twent# minutes into something else, some other $onfiguration% +ut throughout that empt# spa$e inside m# &od# and out is m# sense of presen$e, m# sense of &eing ali"e, of &eing sentient, of &eing aware% !his is the so$alled >I Am,? 4isargadatta?s >I Am?% And this is what we need to meditate on( the >I Am?, in all its aspe$ts and $olors and permutations% !he >I Am? $ontains the totalit# of our existen$e and of our $ons$iousness% If #ou look around inside, there are more things to find% !here is the witness of all thisE the witness of the >I Am?, of the sensations and of the "oid%
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!here are two things I $an do with this witness, the wat$her, whi$h 4isargadatta $alls the A&solute% !he first is to look at this sour$e, and tr# to witness it as an o&5e$t, in whi$h $ase it would 5ust &e$ome another part of the >I Am?% A$tuall#, this is extremel# diffi$ult to do, as the su&5e$t $annot &e seen as an o&5e$tE #ou $an onl# :&e; the su&5e$t% !he other position is to fall &a$k into the witness, and &e$ome it% hen we do this, suddenl# the world appears extremel# "i"id without an awareness of the witness, &e$ause the witness has &e$ome the world, and its identit# is the world% 9ind the witness and fall &a$k into the witness, falling e"er &a$kwards following the sense of I% hen #ou fall &a$k into the witness #ou &e$ome the witness, and then all of a sudden the world opens up% Sometimes it feels like impersonal wat$hing% *o as deep as #ou $an% Lastl#, we $an go deep into meditation, falling deepl# until our heads get hard as a ro$k and thinking stops% e go deeper and it feels like we are going to sleep, and e"er#thing disappears in$luding our selfawareness% e are entirel# unaware of our own existen$e, or of the world% !he next moment again we &e$ome the witness, and the world appears or sometimes our &od# opens up, and we &e$ome the entiret# of the world% 6ust oneness=
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Fowe"er, in$reasingl# we are aware that during the moment when we and the world were not $ons$ious, we still were% e still existed as something, or &etter to sa# :some; and not the :thing,; &e$ause it is not an o&5e$tAit is &e#ond o&5e$ts% 'ons$iousness onl# knows o&5e$ts, &ut the witness is not an o&5e$t to &e known% It is a su&5e$t, and the su&5e$t is not an o&5e$tAit $annot &e an o&5e$t% !hat something, that witness, is not in this uni"erseE &ut is entirel# &e#ond it% It is not a dire$t $ognition &# $ons$iousness whi$h we $an sa# we see or we know, it is &efore $ons$iousnessE and we know that we are :!hat;, untou$hed &# the world, emotions or an#thing else% hen I was at Mount +ald# we would sit silentl# for man# hours e"er# da#, and within fi"e minutes of sitting in meditationAmeditation &e$omes more and more powerful the more da#s #ou are thereA&od# and mind would disappear after a&out fi"e minutes of sitting% e would &e$ome the totalit# of the world around us, and seen as oneness% Sometimes when a &ird or an airplane flew o"erhead, we felt oursel"es fl#ing o"er the lands$ape as if we were that &ird or airplane% Our identit# was with the sound of the &ird or the sound of the airplane%
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Our identifi$ation $hangesE it $hanges from the Moid, from the totalit# of the world, to an airplane, to an emotion% It $an $hange and $hange and $hange and $hange and not &e stu$k &eing Ed Muzika, or an#&od# else% Sometimes after deep meditation when we were walking in the $ourt#ardAthere is a little $ourt#ard on Mount +ald#Aif we saw a tree, our &oundaries would disappear and we would &e$ome that tree% It was like there was no longer an# spa$e &etween the tree and I, and m# identifi$ation was with the tree as the o&5e$t in front of me% I was no longer Ed Muzika, I was no longer a &od#, I was no longer a presen$e hereA&ut I was a presen$e o"er there, and that presen$e was meE and I was the tree whi$h was &eing o&ser"ed% It is all a matter of identifi$ation, and what #ou identif# withAe"en if #ou do not $hoose the identities, and the identities $hoose #ou% In other words, #ou $an &e$ome an#thing and e"er#thing% Sometimes #ou are a person with personal pro&lems, sometimes #ou are a samadhi state, sometimes #ou are an a$tion figure dri"ing a $ar, sometimes #ou &e$ome a $loud% At an# time, with the slightest pro"o$ation, #ou $an &e$ome empt# spa$e% If #ou want, #ou $an identif# with lo"e itself and find a resting pla$e there, as lo"e% SometimesAand this was Ro&ert?s definition of awakeningA#ou $ould &e in a pla$e I would $all ><ou?E
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and #ou witness the $oming and going of the "arious states of $ons$iousness% hen these states pass &#, #ou do not feel an# $hange whatsoe"er% It is not as if I woke up and was ali"e, or I went to sleep and I disappeared% It is that ><ou? sta# the same and these states $ome o"er ><ou? like $loudsAwaking, dream, sleepAand I am remo"ed from all of these% <ou pass from sleep into dreams without ><ou? &eing affe$ted% !he sense of ><ou? does not $hange at all% <ou wat$h the dream state arise as witnessed &# ><ou?, and then #ou see the waking state mo"ing into and repla$ing the dream% And neither state has tou$hed ><ou?% <ou are &e#ond &oth% !hen sometimesAthis is more rareA#ou $an pass from the waking sleep -the waking state is $alled the :waking sleep; &# Ramana. into sleep, and again it does not affe$t ><ou?% <ou are still there, wat$hing the transition from waking to sleep, and ><ou? are separate% <our identifi$ation is with that home state, so to speakE the !uri#atita Sthe Tfourth state des$ri&ed &# Ramana Maharshi,U whi$h witnesses all the $omings and goings of all of the states and is not tou$hed &# them% hen #ou know this #ou know that no sword $an $ut #ou, no &ullet $an kill #ou% <ou are &e#ond that% !he &od# dies, &ut that is not #ou%
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And what is thisE +eing untou$hedD It gi"es ultimate freedomE freedom &# going &e#ond to the other shoreE as the +uddhists sa#% :*ate, gate, paragate, parasamgate, &odhi s"aha=; *one, gone, gone awa#, gone awa# to the other shoreE totall# &e#ond phenomenalit# in the world% !hen $omes the knowledge that #ou are :!hat; whi$h is entirel# &e#ond $ons$iousness of the world% <ou witness the $oming and going of the world, and the "arious states, from &e#ond the world% <ou are the knowledge that ><ou? are &e#ond e"er#thingAthe A&soluteE the witness &e#ond e"en the >I Am?% So whatD <ou ha"e spent ten, twent# #ears in spiritualit#, and #ou ha"e all of these experien$es% Sometimes #ou are the "oid% Sometimes #ou are lo"e% Sometimes #ou are a $hump% Sometimes #ou are a hero% Sometimes #ou are an emotion% Sometimes #ou are #our &od#% Sometimes #ou are nothing% Sometimes #ou go &e#ond% +ut so whatD Bsing the analog# of a hundred-room mansion, what does this meanD !here are so man# pla$es #ou $an &e, so man# pla$es #ou $an go, so man# emotions to experien$e, so man# "oids to experien$e, so man# sensations, so mu$h lo"e and so man# personal identities% hat do these experien$es and knowledge do for #ouD hen do #ou stopD hen does the seeking stopD hen does the exploration stopD
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hat these experien$es do and the knowledge does, is free #ou from the pla$es that #ou are stu$k as a person, in a pla$e or a situation% <ou $an a$$ept man# identities, man# situations, man# experien$es, without lea"ing #our house% It?s 9reedom= 9reedom= 9reedom= If #ou go into the "oid or into the witness, #ou $an gain freedom from emotions, pressures and stress% If #ou go into emotions, #ou gain intensit# and freedom from &oredom% If #ou identif# with lo"e, #ou $an &e the lo"er or &e$ome lo"e itself% 9reedom= +ut I want to address an important pro&lem that affe$ts man# of #ou out there, who are in relationship with another% If &oth of #ou pursue the same path, that is wonderful and #our resonating energies $an make #our path so mu$h easier and en5o#a&le% <et some of #ou ha"e differing, and apparentl# $onfli$ting paths% +ut the# are onl# $onfli$ting if #ou rigidl# hold onto one method or dogma, su$h as Ad"aita, or +hakti approa$hes, or an# other approa$hAra5a #oga, hatha #oga%%% whate"er% I want to read a portion of a letter sent to me, and m# response% !his is from a man in relationship with a woman that has a different path, so to speakE and he is talking a&out the $onfli$ts% It is a long letter% I ha"e $ut it down to a&out half the size(
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:)ear Ed5i, I ha"e &een doing mar"elousl#% E"er# da# another la#er of onion peels awa#, so to speak% It is reall# amazing% !hank #ou so mu$h for #our sage $oun$il to find m# sense of Self and don?t &udge, and to trust m# own experien$e% After so man# #ears of seeking "erifi$ation through &ooks and m#riad other outer sour$es, it has &een refreshing and re"elator# to finall# trust the guidan$e that $ontinuousl# wells up from the guru within m# own heart% I do, howe"er, $ontinue to find m#self fa$ed with an issue that has &een plaguing me for Cuite some time now% I am a &it sheepish a&out asking for #our ad"i$e $on$erning this issue not onl# in light of the $omments I 5ust made, &ut also &e$ause I know the guru is not a marriage $ounselor and I do not wish to put #ou in su$h a pre$arious position%; A$tuall#, at one time I was a $ouples $ounselor, and I was a misera&le failure% I think I had a total of a&out se"en people that I $ounseled, and fi"e of them &roke up after I did it% So, #ou knowAdon?t listen to me= +ut that was a long time ago% Ma#&e I am worse now% 4e"ertheless, &e$ause I do not know an#one else I $an turn to for ad"i$e on this matter, an#one else who would understand the $ontext of sadhana that frames it, and &e$ause m# wife has repeatedl# implored me to
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see if #ou, as m# guru, $an shed an# light on the situation, I ha"e de$ided to pla$e the issue &efore #ou% As I ha"e mentioned to #ou &efore, sadhana is the num&er one priorit# in m# life% O"er the past #ear, I ha"e &een engaging in more and more formal sitting meditation% I do two to three hours ea$h morning, another two hours in the afternoon, and if possi&le when m# wife is out of town, another one to two hours in the e"ening% !he depth to whi$h I?"e &een a&le to plum& m# inner &eing during su$h extended sessions has &een reall# remarka&le% And I $an attest to that% hen #ou sit a long time, #ou gain experien$es #ou ne"er otherwise would, unless #ou do formal meditation% I must sa#, howe"er, that I feel a little remiss in $alling the length of these meditation sessions :extended;, as Fimala#an #ogis would pro&a&l# s$off at su$h minute s$raps of time% Moreo"er, Mi$hael Langford, in his &ook, :!he Most Rapid and )ire$t Means to Eternal +liss,; refers to the man# da#s he spent meditating for twel"e or more hours a da#, suggesting that if one is serious a&out rea$hing the goal, one has to Cuit fooling around and de"ote all of his time to this endea"our% I so often feel like somehow I should &e doing more, &ut for now this is a&out as mu$h time as I $an find for meditation, gi"en that I am married and ha"e a 5o& as a tea$her%
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As #ou $an imagine, m# wife has found m# meditation pra$ti$e to &e a &it o&sessi"e% 4e"ertheless, she has &een prett# supporti"e of it% In fa$t, she has e"en said that she doesn?t mind how mu$h time I spend in meditation as long as when I $ome out of it, I am full# present with her% As #ou $an imagine, in order to most effe$ti"el# maintain this state of awareness throughout m# dail# a$ti"ities, I tend to see through the drama of situations and don?t ne$essaril# sa# or express an#thing a whole lot% *i"en this fo$us on m# part, m# wife?s main $omplaint is that e"en after I ha"e emerged from m# meditation room, I am still rarel#, if e"er, full# present with her% She sa#s that I a$t as if I don?t want to &e on this earth, that I am a hermit, and that I ha"e a responsi&ilit# as her hus&and to $ome out of m# shell and engage in a more a$ti"e relationship with her% In essen$e, she said she is lonel#% She also sa#s I am "er# selfish, and that I pla$e m# path a&o"e hers and onl# $are a&out taking $are of m# spiritual needs% M# wife, I should tell #ou, is a VVVVV who has &een initiated as an elder in a <<<<< tradition, and she also sees auras% She has &lended these three areas of spe$ialt# in her work% !his &eing m# wife?s profession, she often engages me in $on"ersations a&out spirits and energies and $hakras and auras and whatnot, and
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how these are in "arious states of im&alan$e, and so forth% 9rom m# point of "iew, all of this is merel# illusor# mind-stuff% I don?t want to get mixed up in it, and I don?t see it as ha"ing an# realit# or "alidit# outside of the mind?s ha&itual tenden$# to gi"e it su$h% )uring our man# dis$ussions a&out the issue, I ha"e expressed Cuite dire$tl# m# feelings that m# pra$ti$e is intense and it is m# top priorit#Ae"en more than marriage, if it must $ome down to a $hoi$e% Ideall#, howe"er, I would reall# like to resol"e the issue in a wa# that ena&les me to meet m# wife?s needs, while at the same time neither dampening nor impinging upon m# sadhana, and perhaps e"en strengthening it% 9rom #our perspe$ti"e and experien$e, is su$h a solution possi&le, Ed5iD; 4ow, this is an extraordinaril# well written letter% I mean, it reall# points out the pro&lems in $ouples, one of whi$h ma# &e two people that ha"e different spiritual 5ourne#s% And the solution is suggested that I ha"e &een presenting for the last few weeks% I think this is a perfe$tl# $ompati&le $ouple, if the# $an open to ea$h other% M# answer to this writer was as follows( !he short "ersion is that #ou are a perfe$tl# $omplementar# $ouple% <ou need to &e a&le to immerse #ourself in the experien$es of her world, and
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"i$e "ersa% !ogether #ou $an &uild a mu$h larger mansion of openness, intensit# and experien$e than if #ou had sta#ed separate, and stu$k in separate agendas and ideologies and $on$epts% 9rom her spiritualit# #ou will gain intensit# and the a&ilit# to initiate a$ti"ities, #ou will gain flexi&ilit# and pra$ti$al insightE from #ours she will gain meditation power, samadhi, spiritual insight and sta&ilit#% It might take ea$h of #ou longer to a$hie"e the indi"idual ends #ou had $on$ei"ed for #oursel"es from where #ou are nowA#ou finding the A&solute, and she finding her spiritual FeartA&ut &oth 5ourne#s $an &e enri$hed and deepened%; In other words, let us sa# that this person has explored twent# rooms in the mansionAthe hundredroom mansion of spiritual experien$esAwhile his wife has explored thirt# rooms, and there is an o"erlapping of ten or fifteen rooms% Fe, I found from another letter, is $aught in some old $on$epts a&out how spiritualit# was supposed to &eAthe pre-+uddhist $on$epts of making extraordinar# effort, de"oting #ourself full-time to #our pra$ti$e, of understanding the A&solute, understanding the @I Am@E understanding e"er#thing, seeing through it "isuall#% !hen there were pres$riptions against $ertain kinds of &eha"iors and $ertain wa#s of eating, whether to ha"e sex or not%%%
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all kinds of $on$epts that sort of pre"ented his ad"an$ement She, on the other hand, I ha"e not spoken to, so I don?t know% +ut I would assume from his des$ription, that she is a woman that%%% I don?t want to sa# an#thing more% I will wait till I see her% +ut she $ould &enefit from the sta&ilit# that he $ould present her in his life, and also in his samadhis, in his sense of presen$e that he radiates ha"ing de"eloped all that meditation power% +e$ause, #ou know, it is not words so mu$h that ex$hange &etween $ouples, &ut their energiesAand &# that I mean their sense of presen$e, how the# are per$ei"ed, what wa"elengths the# gi"e off, so to speak% Fow we per$ei"e them% hether there is a resonan$e, or there is a la$k of resonan$e% Fe would resonate with that emptinessE he would resonate with samadhi power% Fe would resonate as sta&ilit#% A lot of anger though, a lot of other things too, on a personal le"el% +ut the spiritual Cualities would &e of power, sta&ilit#, straightforwardness, purposefulness, persisten$e, effort% She, on the other hand, appears to &e a lighter &eing who is more aware of her &od#, more aware of energiesAa 4ew Ager, so to speakAwho pro&a&l# has a lot more pra$ti$al insight into e"er#da# life, a lot more
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a$$urate grasping of emotions in people and sensing what their emotions are% She is pro&a&l# a healer, an empath, possi&l#% So man# things she $ould &e, I ha"e not spoken to her% !he# $an learn from ea$h otherE and &# that mutual interpla# enri$h their own spiritualit#, put power into their own spiritual path, expand their path in their own dire$tion that the# were going, and also &uild a wider &ase in their relationship to the other% So, I would sa# that the $ouple $an gi"e ea$h other power to go where the# were going and also at the same time to &roaden the &ase of their spiritual experien$es to in$lude those of ea$h other% Rather than the fear of slowing down one?s progress, I think that there is su$h an enri$hment here that it is worth losing #our $on$ept of where #ou are going, &e$ause when #ou enter spiritualit#Ae"en if #ou ha"e &een in it for man# #earsA #ou reall# ha"e no idea where #ou are going% <ou should drop an# ideas a&out a$$omplishment, or some end that #ou are going to a$hie"e, whether it is unit# with *od or unit# with the A&solute% )rop all of these $on$epts% Explore #ourself% Explore #ourself and an# other that #ou are open toE &ut this is onl# going to work if #ou $an open deepl# to that other person% !hat is another thing all together, &e$ause if
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#ou ha"e a long histor# together, it is reall# hard to do that% In the meantime, those of #ou who are not $ouples or do not ha"e a spiritual $ounterpart, #ou ha"e #our tea$her, whoe"er that isE and within that tea$her?s experien$e is pro&a&l# all that #ou seek, whether #ou $ons$iousl# seek it, or it is something #ou un$ons$iousl# seek% hether it is an experien$e of the A&solute, the "oid, energies, &eing a&le to witness the $oming and going of states of $ons$iousness from the witness state to an# other stateE whether it is lo"e, whether it is emotionalit#Ait is all there in some tea$her or another, some person or another% It does not ha"e to &e a tea$her% All that #ou are looking for $an &e found in the presentation of someone else, and looking into that presentation, that energ#, that sense of presen$e that is pro5e$ted, the un$ons$ious knows what it wants, where it is la$king, where it is fulfilled% And it $an empathize, it $an identif# with that spot in the other, and through that identifi$ation and $ommuni$ation, find that spot within itself% Look into that presen$e% 9ind what #ou were looking for% It is thereA5ust look for it, and #ou will dis$o"er it in #ourself%
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<ou know, spiritualit# is all a&out identitiesAwhi$h identities $hoose #ou, or whi$h identities #ou $hooseE &ut in order to identif# with an#thing #ou ha"e to first experien$e it% !o identif# with the "oid #ou first ha"e to experien$e it, and explore it, and expand it% !o see the $lear light of the "oid, that takes longer% And in that "oid, to find the witness, look at the witness and fall &a$k into itAthat takes a little longer% !o go into the samadhi states, #ou $an do it &# #ourself like this gu# in the letterA &# 5ust endless pra$ti$e, Self-inCuir#, going deepE or &# &eing with a tea$her, like I did with Ro&ert% I ga"e up Self-inCuir# when I was with Ro&ert, and 5ust hung around him% I got it &# osmosis% And those are the traditional spiritual traditions of the East( Ad"aita, ,en% Or #ou $an go the other wa#, the wa# of the &hakti Aof emotions, energies and lo"e% Either takes #ou to a resting pla$e inside of #ourself% hen there is no hindran$e in lo"e, either gi"ing or re$ei"ing, #ou $an &e$ome $ompletel# lo"eA#ou identif# as lo"eE $omplete, at rest% 4o need to do an#thing% !his satisfies what almost e"er#&od# is looking for( $omplete un$onditional a$$eptan$e and lo"e% 9rom this state, an#thing that is &rought to #ou is oka#% +ut this is a state of phenomenalit#% !here is another resting pla$eAthe resting pla$e of going &e#ond this world, 4isargadatta $alls it
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turi#atitaE and sta#ing there for a while% It is what this gu# in the letter was talking a&outA&e$oming the A&solute, sta#ing there for a while, and then $oming &a$kE &ringing the A&solute with him, and the power of meditation% <et &oth these paths togetherA6nana SwisdomU and +hakta Sde"otionUA$reating a 5nani and &hakti &othAis so mu$h ri$her, so mu$h more $omplete% +ut there are dangers to ea$h of these paths% !he danger of the 6nana path of Ad"aita and ,en is to &e$ome lifeless, seeing the world as illusion and not wanting to &e here, sta#ing in the A&soluteE d#ing out, so to speak% !he path of the &hakti on the other hand is dangerous too, &e$ause there $an &e a total immersion in the immedia$# of da#-to-da# life, and #ou $an get sort of lost thereAforget the trans$endent, forget the "oid, not know it exists, not know that there?s a resting pla$e there, too% And &eing so $aught in the a&solute moment, #ou $an miss lo"e, too% All these states in the &hakti s approa$hAthe# $ome and the# go, the# $ome and the# goAthe# are "er# $hangea&le, while the states of the 5nani are "er# se$ure, solid, and the# don?t $ome and go mu$h%
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So #ou ha"e a d#nami$ tension &etween the a$ti"it# and the silen$e, lo"e and knowledge% And what a mansion is in &etween= hat a wealth to explore%
Ed Muzi a with !ali, a street rescue"#$$%
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Things /urus ,on0t Tell 1ou

Ro&ert used to em&ra$e uselessness% Fe used to em&ra$e lea"ing #our 5o& and dropping out% Fe would sa# do not worr# a&out &ills, pa#ments, medi$al insuran$e, o&ligations, et$%, 5ust lea"e the world &ehind% )o not worr# a&out the pragmati$s of da# to da# life% !he neo-Ad"aitins of the world reall# do not talk a&out life during the awakening pro$ess or afterwards as all of #our $herished &eliefs and $on$epts are &lown awa#% One da# #ou are ignorant of #ourself, the next da# #ou are awakened, self-aware and all pro&lems ha"e disappeared and are resol"ed% !his is &ull% !he pro$ess of awakening, losing &eliefs, atta$hments, $on$epts, and e"en the &elief #ou are the &od# $auses tremendous $hanges in #our da# to da# life% !his is a sign #ou are reall# $hanging and awakening% Relationships fall apart, #ou ma# no longer lo"e #our hus&and or wife, the idea of &eing pinned to a 20 #ear mortgage $reates nausea% !he struggle to maintain pa#ments on #our +M , WH00,000 house, and student loans &e$omes too mu$h% !he &elief in the &ene"olen$e of friends and the go"ernment goes out the window% <ou know the wealth# are tr#ing to take
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more and more from #ou% !he health $are s#stem is rigged to extra$t the most mone# from #ou% 9ox 4ews and MS4+' are &oth mouthpie$es for a partial perspe$ti"e% 4o one speaks to #ou honestl#, the# lie a little ea$h word the# sa# so as not to dri"e #ou awa#% Sometimes the# smile and #ou $an feel their hatred% Strange energies awakening in #ou $ause $hanges in #our sleeping patterns, and #ou $an?t sleep or #ou sleep too long% <ou do not talk to the kids an#more &e$ause #ou are immersed in inde$ision a&out e"er#thing% <ou 5ust want to &e alone, or #ou 5ust want to &e with someone else or &e somewhere else% All #our self-told lies disappear and #ou are exposed to #our own truth more and more, and that whi$h is not part of #our truth falls awa#% !hings no longer unfold as the# did &efore, &ut unfold in a new and frightening wa# as #our entire past is seen as a lie and #et #ou still do not see #our own truth $learl#% In other words, #our dail# life goes from a &oring $ertaint#, to an inse$ure emptiness, #et an in$redi&le and frightening ali"eness% Intense pra$ti$e or intense in"ol"ement with a free tea$her $reates situations with a lot of out of $ontrol
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emotionsE mat$hed at times with an inner deadness( followed &# periods of intense self-dou&t and selfinCuir#% )o these gurus tell #ou of thisD )o the# warn #ou of thisD <ou see, Ro&ert did and in$orporated this ine"ita&le $ollapse of #our &elief s#stems and lifest#le, and made it a part of lea"ing the world &ehind% hen #our whole lifest#le and thought stru$tures are de$onstru$ted due to self-inCuir#, self-a&idan$e, or wat$hing one?s thoughts in emptiness, radi$al $hanges to one?s outside life are ine"ita&le, as well as to one?s emotional $omposition and self-&oundaries% In other words, the walls $ome tum&ling down and $haos reigns for a long, long time% If there is not a &it of $haos, then there is no real $hange happening on a deeper le"el% !his must &e o&"ious is it notD One $annot $ontinue in the old lifest#le with the &eliefs #ou had &efore when e"er#thing is &eing radi$all# Cuestioned and whole new worlds of per$eption and $ognition are opened% I warn m# students of this% Ro&ert in$orporated this falling apart into his tea$hings and made it a goal, the goal of &e$oming good for nothing, meaning reall# not good for an#one or an#thing in #our pre"ious lifest#le% And, #ou will &e good for nothing until #ou
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li"e #our own truth, rather than so$iet#?s, #our spouse?s, #our $hildren?s, or #our emplo#er?s :truths%; Intense pra$ti$e or intense in"ol"ement in the mo"ement towards freedom has to produ$e su$h external $haos% Is it not o&"iousD 9reedom means freedom from #our past $onditioning and the known% hat 7rishnamurti missed when he talked of su$h freedom, are all those states and understandings &e#ond the mere re$ognition that there is no separate >I? or separate doer% Fe did not talk of the e$stasies, the awesome Moid, the feeling of the sa$red, the feeling of surrender to the di"ine, to one?s own +elo"ed% 4or did he speak of ri"ers of lo"e that mo"e through one?s &od# and one?s sense of presen$e% 4or did he talk of a lo"e so deep that #ou disappear into the >Other?, or of a "oid so "ast that #ou fall to #our knees in awe and sometimes fear% Fe did not talk of the awesome power #ou feel sometimes when #ou feel aligned with #our own destin# and feel its ine"ita&ilit#% !here is so mu$h that tea$hers do not tell #ou, &oth of the ri$hness and the sadness and desolation #ou will en$ounter% It is like the Matrix !rilog#% hen #ou take the Red pill, e"er#thing $hanges, enli"ens, $ollapses, &e$omes $haos, reorders, and #ou &e$ome ali"e% +ut sometimes #ou $ra"e the +lue pill, to let #ou return to #our old life and its se$urit#% On$e #ou take the Red pill, #ou
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ha"e a tiger &# the tail and #ou $annot let go &e$ause he will eat #ou% Student Number One: It all sounds distasteful, &ut then, what are the optionsD I think, II don@t want to do this to the people in m# life,I &ut then automati$all# the Cuestion $omes up, I ho are these peopleD here did the# $ome from, if not m# mindD ho am IDI It@s a $ir$le% hat is the alternati"e to seeking the truth( su&s$ri&ing to life in a house of $ards that will alwa#s &e unsatisf#ing and ine"ita&l# $ollapseD So, one must soldier on% Number Two: Ma#&e this is what 6esus was referring to when he stated, IIf an# man &e in 'hrist, he is a new $reationE old things ha"e passed awa# and &ehold all things ha"e &e$ome new%I It is that pro$ess of the @old@ things passing awa# and ha"ing no idea of the @new@ that is the sho$ker% In the middle of it, there is 5ust falling awa#, loss, and nothing @new@ is experien$ed as of #et% 4o &ooks I ha"e e"er read prepared me for what I am going through% !he re&ellion, the dou&t, $onfusion, intense anxiet#, paral#zing fear, terror, despair, relationships
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falling apart -and all the drama that goes with that., losing interest in almost e"er#thingE as well as the intense energies that effe$t m# eating and sleeping patterns% I am realizing that resistan$e is futile% It@s all rea$hing su$h an intensit# that @surrender@ is appearing to &e the onl# "ia&le option% Ed, #ou and Ro&ert did gi"e warnings, &ut I@m not sure an#one $ould ha"e prepared me for this% It@s one thing to hear a&out it, another altogether to experien$e it% I am grateful #ou are here for me%
Laksh-i, another street res'ue *oun# li)ing in a tree%
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The Ma2esty of Self

E"en after one first awakens and e"en $ontinuousl# knows the self for a long while, it is eas# to forget who #ou reall# are when #ou are too $on$erned with the world% I remem&er when our Sangha started its latest dissolution phase on 6anuar# Ond% I felt upset and $onfused the first da# and possi&l# e"en the se$ond% +ut then, the pull $ame from within to go deep inside on$e again( and for three da#s I felt near $ontinuous e$stas# and &liss, &ut still reall# on the surfa$e, permeating m# &od# and m# sense of presen$e% As the losses $ontinued, and I dropped Satsang &e$ause so few were $oming, there was a sense of aloneness and e"en sadness% I no longer had as man# emails to respond to, nor had I a need to prepare for Saturda# e"ening Satsangs% Instead, I 5ust performed a &a$klog of medi$al reports and sort of en5o#ed a "a$ation from doing% !hen this morning, :It; $ame &a$kE the >I-sense? $ame &a$k in a "er# powerful wa#, whi$h seemed to ha"e &een lost due to in"ol"ement in the world, Satsangs and relationshipsE as well as a lostness in m# inner states as a rea$tion to these external e"ents% It is not as if I lost the sense of >I-ness? $ompletel#, &ut it
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was not at the $enter of m# sense of &eing% I witnessed m# >I-sense?, &ut it was distant and not mepleasura&le, &ut not me% +ut this morning I felt it as a strong pull to go within, to immerse m#self into the deepest part of m#self( deep, deep &elow the le"el of surfa$e $ons$iousness% I felt pulled down inside and it was impossi&le to resist the $all of Self, of the sense of me, whi$h is reall# the state of !uri#a shining through the ignoran$eE the darkness and Moid of the 'ausal +od#, through the intelle$t, mind and sense per$eptions of the su&tle &od#, and of $ourse, entirel# separate from this ph#si$al &od# of Ed% It was as if I had &een lost in a fog of appearan$e, and the :real me; of the >I Am? emerged out of the fog( mu$h like the &rilliant &eam from a lighthouse is suddenl# o&ser"ed from a few hundred #ards awa# when there is a &rief &reak in the fog% <es, I am !FA! I AM= !he feeling is reall# indes$ri&a&le in words% I felt a great happiness and 5o#, &ut not on the surfa$e% It was a 5o# &uried deep within m#self, deeper than the mind, deeper than the darkness of deep sleep, or the sleepiness of the dream state% <es, the real >me? was shining through all those more
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superfi$ial la#ers of $ons$iousness( as a deep light inside, with a sense of fullness, $ompleteness and 5o#% !he surfa$e flowings of emotions, thoughts and energies meant nothing now% I was pulled within into a deep silen$e, and the mind, &od# and Moid were seen as reall# nothing worth &othering a&outE onl# pi$tures and noise gi"ing the lighted fog the appearan$e of existen$e and meaning( and m# attention was no longer on the show, &ut on :me,; so deepl# &uried within% <es, I was still o$$upied in the world% I was sitting at a 9irestone dealer, getting some repairs done on m# $ar% I was aware of the passing time, the tele"ision &laring with the 6err# Springer show, and people talking all around me, &ut this was onl# 10X of m# attention% !he rest flowed 5ust to me, m# sense of >I Am?, and that $ertain knowledge that I am that >I Am?E and with it a $omplete sense of fulfillment as well as a re$ognition of who I am and that the world reall# was not that important% I was entirel# &e#ond the world with 5ust a fingertip of in"ol"ement therein% !he experien$e itself is indes$ri&a&le% It $annot &e put into words &e$ause words are onl# a&out external things, like food, automo&ilesE or $loser to the heart, a&out ideas, relationships, emotions, et$%E whi$h emerge from the $ausal &od# and flame out into a magi$al displa# in the world of the mind, intelle$t and
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&od#, known as the su&tle &od# :imaginal world;.%
-whi$h I $all the
On$e again I knew what Ro&ert experien$ed when he felt distra$tedE his main attention was alwa#s on his immortal sense of Self, the >I Am?E and understanding this, one realizes that one is e"en &e#ond >I Am?( a total m#ster#, standing alone, imma$ulate, $omplete% !his understanding $annot &e experien$ed or known &# mind in an# wa#% Mind and intelle$t $annot tou$h it or des$ri&e this heart of the heart% !herefore one is left 5ust experien$ing the ma5est# of one?s own Self= 4ote( I want to make $lear that this powerful in$andes$ent and arising of the >I Am?, still o$$urs within me% hat I am in$ludes that radiant @I Am@ &ut I am a$tuall# mu$h larger than that% It arises within me, &ut I ha"e no features, no $hara$teristi$s, and no words% I am utterl# a m#ster#, unfathoma&le, silent, stillness% !oda I want to make $lear that this powerful in$andes$ent and arising# I am lost in the Self= Su$h happiness= Enraptured in the &liss of Self% <et, e"en as I worship the Self I re$ognize I am entirel# &e#ond m# +elo"ed% hen it $omes to >Amness? - >I am that I Am?E &ut when I mo"e &e#ond knowledge of existen$e, or the darkness of unknowing, resting onl# in silen$e, m# nature has no $hara$ter, no handle, and no name%
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Of 3nergies" 3cstasies and Orgasms

Man# of the readers of m# &log or 9a$e&ook ha"e noted that se"eral students are $ontinuousl# speaking of energies the# feel, $urrents tra"eling through their &od# or sense of presen$e% Sometimes the energies are extremel# pleasura&le, turning into &liss as the $urrents mo"e, and then into e$stasies on$e the mo"ements stop and the &od#3presen$e &e$omes :filled%; !he most $ommon experien$e with these energies are intense feelings of lo"e and orgasms in women, either of the genital sort, or most often felt in the heart% !hen the orgasms spread to the entire &od# and &e$ome so intense that one feels the# are going to explode% !his happens as the &od# $omes ali"e through a&iding lo"ingl# in the >I Am?, or lo"ing another while on the path% !hose who hitherto dwelled in their heads are now &e$oming intimatel# aware of the ali"eness of their &odies and sense of presen$e% !hese energies ha"e a million manifestations and are alwa#s a$$ompanied &# feeling e$stati$ lo"e and gra$e at some point% One 5ust wants to surrender to *od or guru or to another person who is an external representation of #our own Self%
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Sometimes the energies flow intensel# for da#s or weeks -or #ears. at a time% One &e$omes in$apa$itated% 9eeling the &liss and orgasms, one?s attention to the external world $eases% !he inner world work of the energies and &liss is so $apti"ating that one &e$omes useless in the world% 'hores do not get done% 'hildren and spouses are ignored% One?s a&ilit# to maintain emplo#ment is se"erel# $ompromised% One is &eginning to &e aware of the &liss of the Self% !hen the struggle &egins to $ontinue to remain in the external world% One feels guilt# for ignoring the $hildren and fear arises for their $ontinued emplo#ment% One &egins to do all sorts of things to &ring these energies and :atta$hment; to the e$stasies and orgasms under $ontrol, &ut to no a"ail% On$e #ou ha"e &een &itten &# the e$stasies and orgasms, the# will sta# and &ug #ou until #ou stop tr#ing to $ontrol them% 6ust let them pass through% 9or$e #ourself to work and pa# attention to the kids when #ou $an, &ut other times, go off &# #ourself and let the energies flow% Along with the energies and orgasms, $omes the arising of all kinds of intense emotions, from anger and hate, to the most su&lime forms of lo"e, surrender, and pea$e% One &egins to os$illate &etween poles of
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pleasure, lo"e and pea$e, to outrage, hate and destru$ti"e &reaking% It is as if #ou had &e$ome two #ears old again% So, what do these e$stati$ states meanD the# thereD hat is to &e done with themD h# are
9irst, #ou ha"e to re$ognize the# do not happen to all people% Reall#, onl# a su&set of highl# emotional and sensiti"e people en$ounter all these experien$es during their Sadhana% !hese people often are healers and empaths, highl# sensiti"e alread# to their inner states and the inner states of others% Also, the# o$$ur far more often in women than in men% Often too, these people ha"e had :&roken; $hildhoods that ha"e left :fissures; in their personalit# stru$tures that allow eas# a$$ess to un$ons$ious mo"ements in the :Id,; the pre-egoi$ un$ons$iousness% Se$ondl#, #ou need to re$ognize that the e$stasies are alwa#s there, &ut when #ou &egin pra$ti$e, either &# going deep inside and finding, then lo"ing #our sense of self, or &# lo"ing someone else as an o&5e$tsu&stitute for #our own Self, ma#&e for the first time, #our attention, #our energ# lea"es #our &rain and thinking, and #ou &e$ome aware of these energies that are alwa#s there and mo"ing and :pla#ing; within #ou%
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<ou ha"e &e$ome aware of a deeper part of #ourself, a deeper le"el of $ons$iousness, and this is good% !he e$stasies and &liss mean #ou are es$aping from the mind% It turns #our attention towards #our heart, #our gut, and #our genitals% Reall#, it is Cuite li&erating% <ou &e$ome ali"e again% <ou ha"e es$aped the po"ert# of mental life and also Cuietism of superfi$ial meditation states% !he pleasure of the e$stasies turns #our attention awa# from thinking, doing, planning and performing, towards 5ust &eing inside #ourself% +ut, #ou will soon learn that all these experien$es are 5ust temporar#, and the# are not ><ou?% !he# 5ust happen to #ou, 5ust as do thoughts and thinking% !he# are separate from #ou and do not reall# affe$t ><ou?, the witness of all% Fowe"er, the# are also har&ingers of the e"ent of Self-Realization, where the Self re"eals itself to #ou, the little I, as the &ig >I?% !hen #ou will fall to #our knees in worship of *od and guru, who are reall# #ou% !his whole area of energies $an &e immensel# fas$inating, &ut at some point #ou ha"e to mo"e on% It is not #ou that mo"es on, &ut #our attention mo"es on% <ou see the energies and orgasms for what the# are, 5ust another set of phenomena, and the# reall# ha"e nothing to do with #ou, nor are the# reall# in #our &od#% !he# are reall# in #our sense of presen$e, and
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as su$h, #ou mo"e &e#ond a &od#-identifi$ation towards an identifi$ation with $ons$iousness itself% Fowe"er, the most diffi$ult :anno#an$e; that o$$urs to most who are experien$ing sensiti"it# to these inner mo"ements, is the arising of some extremel# painful emotions and often terrif#ing hallu$inations, and great fear% !here is fear of &eing destro#ed, or fear of going insane &e$ause these experien$es are so unlike an#thing #ou experien$ed &efore% !here is often 5ealous# as #ou asso$iate the lo"e or e$stasies #ou feel as ha"ing an o&5e$t sour$e outside of #ou, a lo"er, a guru, or *od, and #ou feel #our e$stasies and orgasms $an &e taken awa# if that external representation of #our own true Self, e"en looks at another person, or does not pa# enough attention to #ou% !here is an intense regression to &eing a two or a four #ear old le"el of personalit#% 4ow #ou are e"en less engaged in the world and #ou feel guiltier for &eing so $hild-like and dependent% +ut #ou see, #ou are &eing prepared for a new life, one $entered in #our own &eingness and heart as opposed to li"ing from a role and $on$epts% Btilizing the spontaneous sexual energies and nonsexual energ# flows within the &od# and one@s sense of
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presen$e, triples the &enefits of 5ust turning within and fo$using on the >I Am?% It gi"es Self-a&idan$e pra$ti$e real 5ui$e, a wetness that Ramana-st#le selfinCuir# la$ks% It leads to lo"ing the apparentl# external other with su$h passion and a&andon that #ou lose the small self, who 5ust wants to surrender and die in that other% !hen $omes the &ig surprise one da# in a re$ognition that the immense lo"e and surrender #ou feel is reall# #ou% It is #our true nature, and the lo"e 5ust flows and flows, $oming from a dire$tl# per$ei"ed Self that a&sor&s and swallows the small >I?, lea"ing one li"ing from the heart% 4ow, some remarks on managing the pro$esses% )o not take these energies or sexualit# too seriousl#% All this stuff will pass% 6ust en5o# these preparator# pro$esses while the# last% If #our hus&and or wife lea"es #ou &e$ause #ou $annot pa# enough attention to them, so &e it% !he# were not meant to sta# longer in #our life% !he same with #our 5o&( ma#&e #ou were not meant to &e a M%L% of finan$e or Information !e$hnolog#% Ma#&e #ou want a simpler emplo#ment, or ma#&e #ou want to &e$ome a tea$her #ourself &# mastering all le"els of the tea$hings, the )harma%
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Also, the energies are exa$er&ated when #ou don?t eat or go on a fast% )o not fast in an attempt to enhan$e or de$rease the energies, the# will onl# get out of $ontrol this wa#% Eat three or four times a da#% !r#, tr#, tr# to get some sound sleep e"en if #ou ha"e to take medi$ations to do it, &e$ause good sleep is usuall# one of the first "i$tims of the arising energies% !r# to repress nothing% 6ust let the energies and emotions flow through #ou% In fa$t, if #ou tr# to impede them in an# wa#, #ou will soon see #our powerlessness to stop the "ol$ano% )o not do an# 7undalini or tantri$ exer$ises while this is going on% !he energies will get out of $ontrol this wa#% )o not do too mu$h meditation at this time% !his le"el of #our &eingness needs to &e full# explored and integrated &efore #ou go deeper% 6ust go out on the &a$k por$h or to a park, sit Cuietl# and let the energies and emotions ra$e through #ou% 6ust wat$h, see how the# are not #ou% I am reall# against engaging in an# sort of pra$ti$es to manage or $ontrol these energies, &e$ause #ou will likel# get e"en more atta$hed to them and utilizing them% Let them spontaneousl# flow through #ou% !rust that the Shakti knows the wa# to Self-Realization
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as it is unfolding through #ou &etter than an# te$hniCue #ou might learn to modif# or $ontrol it% 6ust realize that soon all these states will pass in the sense that it is #our attention to them and the pleasure of them that is sustaining them% !he# all will pass and #ou will sink lower into e"en more silent and pea$eful le"els, not so 5arring or enthralling as $onstant orgasms% !ake them onl# as &eing a sign of progress% 4othing more= +ut e"en more importantl#, relax and en5o# them as mu$h as #ou $an% *et passi"e and en5o# them%
Ed in Sedona.
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)an 1ou /o Naked 4efore /od5

Some ha"e asked, : here is Ro&ert Adams in #our $urrent tea$hingsD; Others ha"e &een more sar$asti$, and ha"e remarked -of me., :Some ha"e ears &ut do not hearE some ha"e e#es &ut do not see,; intimating I was around Ro&ert for #ears &ut ne"er understood him as deepl# as m# $riti$ o&"iousl# thought he or she understood him% I will sa# something here that the# will not hear% Ro&ert taught freedom, not 5ust a&out the a&solute, *od, +rahman or e"en $ons$iousness% Fis last words at his last Satsang, was onl# one word, repeated o"er and o"er( 9reedom= 9reedom= 9reedom= +ut he used $on$epts and situations to affe$t the dire$tion a student was heading in, and at Sunda# Satsangs, he was pure Ramana% On !hursda# e"enings he sometimes went mu$h deeper% Sometimes someone would ask a Cuestion and Ro&ert would go on a roll% !he words that poured out were pure truth, insofar as truth $an &e expressed in words% A few of us $lose to him and ma#&e a few "isitors would &e stunned% Our minds would &e$ome weak and then wash awa#% 9or a few minutes he stopped talking a&out karma, lo"e, the guru tea$her relationship, or an#thing else
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we $ould remem&er% It was more or less a&out the Infinite, going altogether &e#ond knowing and unknowing, going &e#ond +rahman e"en% e were transfixed% !here was a transmission of some sortE an energ#, a gra$e des$ended% !hese were Ro&ert?s true tea$hings, golden words a&out that whi$h is &e#ond $on$epts, the world, and A4< experien$e, no matter how transformati"e or trans$endental% !hen he would return to earth and &e Ro&ert again% +ut we were $hanged% !he $on$epts Ro&ert taught a&out karma, *od, oneness or $ons$iousness itself, would &e untaught during a Satsang a week or two later% Fe knew all $on$epts, espe$iall# spiritual $on$epts, were illusor#, empt#% On$e in a while he would gi"e an entire Satsang talking a&out the 9our Lrin$ipals, !hree understandings, or something like that, and at the end of Satsang he would &e$ome silent for a moment, and then announ$e that all he had 5ust said, all the knowledge and $on$epts were ru&&ish% Fe would sa#, :I ga"e #ou a stor# and $on$epts &e$ause that is what #ou like to hear%; Ro&ert $onsidered Satsangs, espe$iall# Sunda#s, to &e pure $rowd entertainment% In addition to some of those hot !hursda# night Satsangs, a few of us met with him weekl# or e"en more freCuentl# on a personal &asis, for lun$h or a mo"ie% Fere Cuietl#, Ro&ert would work on us to help
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us win our own freedom, either &# setting up a situation within the Sangha to make us let go of $ertain ideas, $onditions, desires, or am&itions, or &# offering $on$epts opposed to those we held on to% Ro&ert taught man# different methods of meditation, and ea$h in the audien$e was free to sele$t whi$he"er method the# liked most% +ut the method he taught most was self-inCuir# in its m#riad of forms, and self-a&idan$e% Fe taught us to go inwards, into our inner emptiness where dwelled the mind, images, emotions, and e"er#thing we $alled su&5e$ti"e% !here we were to 5ust wat$h% at$h for the >I-thought? and find its origin% at$h the other thoughts $ome and go% Look for the su&5e$t% !his pla$e is as $lose as we $an $ome to our true nature in $ons$iousness, &ut from time to time, he would sa# we were &e#ond e"en that% A4) SO E ARE= <ou know, so man# students sa# the# want that, $omplete freedom, enlightenment, &ut in fa$t the# do not% !he# hang onto $on$epts and exploration of $on$epts and new experien$es% Man#, man# $ame for a #ear or two and thoroughl# understood what Ro&ert was sa#ing, took those $on$epts into the world and the experien$es the# had with Ro&ert, and &e$ame tea$hers% Some 5ust left and looked to a new tea$hing, thinking Ro&ert?s tea$hings la$ked something% E"entuall# the fire of seeking dies out,
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and ma#&e after 10 or 20 #ears the# $ome to pea$e and stop seeking% +ut in most, e"en after 20 #ears there is a hunger to find the real, a final resting pla$e of truth, whi$h is so hard to find &e$ause the# use the mind and :tea$her of the da#; to find ultimate restE whi$h is reall# dis$o"er# of their own true nature whi$h is alwa#s with them% !he pro&lem is the# ha"e a$$umulated so man# spiritual s#stems whi$h remain as $ontaminates of their pure nature, that it is impossi&le to e"er find their Self unless there is some life $risis that shakes them and their &elief s#stems to the $ore% !o use an analog#, through the #ears, people a$$umulate a wide "ariet# of spiritual $lothes whi$h gi"es them some warmth and safet# in a $old and harsh world% +ut to see the Self, &e$ome the Self #ou are, #ou need to shed all those $lothes% <ou ha"e to undress and shed all of those hard &ought spiritual $lothes, the koans, pra#ers, &eliefs in karma, the >I Am?, the +elo"ed, $on$epts of famil#, guru3dis$iple, spiritual progress, $ompassion, and e"en $on$epts of trans$ending% I am tr#ing to do with #ou as Ro&ert did with me( undress #ou until #ou &e$ome naked, exposed for #ou and all to see $learl#% 4othing is hiddenE no pri"ate treasure is kept in the $loset not to &e tou$hed &# selfinCuir#% E"er#thing is thrown awa#%
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+ut this often &rings terror% :I ha"e no $lothes, no se$urit#, no sta&ilit#, what am I to doD I am frightened and terrified% I need someone, something to hang on to% I need the warmth of soft tea$hings and ma#&e a father or mother figure as a tea$her% I need to feel safe%; !his is the dilemma of the sin$ere student% Fe $omes looking for the A&solute and finds onl# that the tea$her wants him to &e$ome naked &efore *od and his own Self% !he tea$her sa#s, :I am here% I $an take #ou, &ut $an #ou re$ei"eD 'an #ou sta# &# me and walk into 4othingness without all #our $lothes, &ooks, and $on$eptsD Are #ou $ourageous enough to drop the mind and tolerate the $old harshness of the world in order to dis$o"er who #ou areD; So few are= Ro&ert knew this and dished out Ad"aita $on$epts on Sunda#s and ma#&e deeper $on$epts of no $on$epts on some !hursda#s% Fe sold a lot of spiritual $lothes, &e$ause for some, that is all the# $ould take% E"en I failed with Ro&ert% I failed to mo"e to Sedona to &e with him through his last da#s% I was terrified and e"en got deathl# ill when I got $lose to Sedona% M# mind and m# entire &eingness re&elled and failed me, the Self% I $ould not take Ro&ert?s $ooking an#more, his :games,; his $reated situations, and the la$k of se$urit# I felt going there%
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Ro&ert, on the other hand was fearless% +efore he left he told me he would &e &etra#ed &# all the people who were tr#ing to sedu$e him to lea"e Los Angeles with promises of finan$ial support, and support of Satsang% One &# one these people $ame to me and told me how the# were going to help Ro&ert and also me to get settled and find a 5o&% I reported what the# said to Ro&ert, and he frankl# told me that the# would ne"er keep their word% Fe told me that e"er# one of them would &etra# him, #et he went to them knowing this% !his turned out to &e truth% !he# did not support him as the# promised and finan$es were alwa#s desperate% Ro&ert often $alled me or I him 5ust to talk, and he $ontinuall# wanted me to $ome, &ut I $ould not% I was afraid &e$ause there was nothing there for me% !he people there made it $lear I was not wanted% !he# wanted Ro&ert all to themsel"es alone% All the former promises disappeared on$e Ro&ert was their $apti"e% <et he went into the unknown, knowing this, and out of fear, I did not follow% So I ask, :)o #ou trust me to take #ou to an unknown goal of freedomD; I will not e"en take #ou to the safet# of the :A&solute,; or :+rahman,; or :*od,; for these are 5ust words to gi"e $omfort% Are #ou willing to shed all #our $on$epts, &eliefs and se$urit#
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to enter the unknownD Or like most, are #ou more interested in the ex$itement of &u#ing new $lothes, and shopping at the ni$he shops of Ad"aita, Sufism, m#sti$al 'hristianit#, !aoism, 6ainism, or &eing with an energ# guruD Student Comment: !hanks for this writing Ed% It promotes nothing, it atta$ks nothing, it defends nothing, #et threatens e"er#thing that m# mind holds onto for se$urit#% e are so addi$ted to learning that we think the spiritual pro$ess is a&out learning @spiritual@ stuffE a$Cuiring a @spiritual@ wardro&e%And for a while we think we look good, we are happ# a&out our new attire and the wa# it makes us feel% Fell, we e"en get a whole new set of friends, a new language, new tea$hers, new &ooks, and new $on$epts to de$orate our alread# $luttered minds% !he no"elt# is irresisti&le% hen will we tire of shoppingD !his is the $ore illness that goes undete$ted% e are addi$ted to a$Cuiring in e"er# realm% e want more, more, more% In spiritualit# this addi$tion is known as >seeking?% e ha"e &e$ome professional seekers% e are not interested in losing an#thing% <et this is the ma5or message in all main religions% 6esus puts it this wa#, :9or whosoe"er shall lose his life for m# sake shall find it%; e are afraid of nakedness, afraid of
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emptiness, afraid of standing alone, afraid of losing, afraid of the terror that $omes with @not knowing@%%%and so E SEE7= And we prote$t our >seeking? with spiritual phrases like, >e"er#one has to do what the# ha"e to do?, >all is well?, >it?s all good?, >e"er#thing is unfolding as it should?, and on and on and on% 9or OO #ears, I thought 'hristianit# was >the? $amp% It grew old% I pa$ked m# &ags and mo"ed on to >spiritualit#?, making short pit stops in its "arious mini $amps along the wa#% 9our #ears into this and I realize that the same tenden$ies, the same $ore illness is still there% I am still a seeker, looking in another $amp for what was not found in the last one% I ha"e a new language, oh god, I don?t e"en know what it is -$r#ing.E a new wa# to do $hur$h $alled >satsang?E a new form of praise and worship $alled >$hanting?, m# minister is now $alled m# >guru?E m# &i&le is the spiritual &ook of the week, and I am still as lost as e"er% Still gulli&le, still floating purposefull# in a sea of $on$epts, hoping to find m#self there, Cui$k to a$$ept what someone else sa#s is true and defend it as m# own, still afraid to stand &ehind m# own truth%%%whate"er the# ma# &e% I see the similarities, the $ore illness% It has 5ust &e$ome $lear to me o"er the past se"eral da#s%%%and I feel deep rage% 4ot at an#one in parti$ular &ut rage at
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ha"ing wasted so mu$h of m# life in ser"i$e to someone else?s truth, someone else?s ideas, &eliefs, opinions a&out how I should &e, what I should &e, who I should &e% Rage at &eing so out of tou$h with m#self, so untrusting of m#self% !here has &een deep despair, wa"es of a&solute terror, $onfusion, dou&t, un$ertaint#%%%as I Cuestion e"er#thing, hold to nothing%%%and shake and $r#N
More On o!ert:
Some think there is a great distan$e &etween +hakta and 6nana( onl# in the outward form% !hough Ro&ert is $alled a 6nani e"en in the Ramana Ashram, I remem&er his famous stor# of meeting Ramana% I do not know whether it o$$urred when he first met him, or later when walking around Aruna$hala% Ro&ert said this stor# with great passionE I was there at a Satsang( Fe was ele$tri$% Fe sat on the edge of his $hair per$hed somewhat forward and looked upwards and into the distan$e, as if he were again seeing Ramana% Fe said Ramana and a group of people walked towards him and suddenl# he felt $omplete surrender
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and de"otion% Fe felt utter humilit# and wanted nothing more than to tou$h the guru@s feet and surrender% Fe said he took off all of his $lothes and dropped at Ramana@s feet, totall# surrenderedE totall# lo"ing and de"oted% At this point Ro&ert said, I!his is how #ou ha"e to &e,I as if the stor# was self-explanator# as to the need for surrender% Ramana supposedl# either gra&&ed him or told him to ariseE I don@t remem&er the stor# exa$tl# and said, II ha"e &een waiting for #ou%I I@ll &et Ramana did not spe$ifi$all# mean Ro&ert, &ut he had &een waiting for an# of the de"otees that showed su$h de"otion and surrender, &e$ause these people, these de"otees alread# were $lose to *od and felt the e$stasies of &eing with the Infinite%
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I Am *ere for My Students" Not for Me

Re$entl# people ha"e $omplained that some weeks I sound like student A, then student +, and wonder where Ed?s $entral thread went% !he# ask, : here is the 6nana, or what happened to the lo"erD; I $an onl# sa# I am mu$h mo"ed and influen$ed &# $on"ersations of those who I am $lose to and who are &urning% !heir &urning $at$hes me on fire and I write from m# heart whate"er $omes up% Ea$h of m# :lo"ers; is in a different pla$e% One is shedding $on$epts and $onditioning, another is learning to lo"e herself, another has gone entirel# &e#ond the world into the A&solute, and #et another is lost in unending &liss, a rapture from whi$h her &od# is forgotten% Another &egins to &urn &rightl# in the Ro$k# Mountains, another is half a world awa# who alwa#s feels m# presen$e% hen the# talk to me, I am &lown awa#% I used to see this with Muktananda% hen someone $ame to him and spoke with $larit# and passion, it was as if he &lew in the wind, he &ent and surrendered to their shakti, and this 5ui$e then &e$ame his truth of the moment% !ea$her and student were eCual, and he was like $la# &ent and wriggled into a new form for a moment% !hen moments later
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someone new $ame, and if the# $ame with passion, energ#, he was transformed again% Su$h happens to me% Leople $ome to me and when the# &urn I see their truth% I feel their truth% One is &e$oming a new 7rishnamurti, another is &e$oming 7ali, another &e$omes 7rishna, and there is room in me for ea$h for that moment% !hen I write, and when I write, I express their truth as it unfolds and it appears m# $entral thread is lost% !heir pro$ess and truth inspire me% !heir expressed truth will &e of some help to someone, somewhere% +ut the truth is, I ha"e no $entral thread% I ha"e no truth% I am there for them, not for me% I feel like I take on the $lothes of whome"er I talk to at the moment% !hose I talk to most, those are the $lothes I wear at the time% Of $ourse in the $enter is the untou$hed, the origin of the manifest world% All the rest is mind, in$luding all the writings that spill from these fingers% And a few are alwa#s with me, inside me, sharing m# emptiness, sharing our mutual purpose in the world% A&o"e all are Ro&ert and 4isargadatta smiling downwards%
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Self$In6uiry: 7ith Affection and 'o(e

I ha"e &e$ome $on"in$ed o"er the past #ear that self-inCuir#, pra$ti$ed onl# &# itself -&asi$all# as des$ri&ed &# Ramana Maharshi and m# own tea$her, Ro&ert Adams. is far less effe$ti"e than simpl# going within looking for the >I-sense?E the feeling that I exist, as opposed to looking for the >I-thought?, or for the pla$e that the >I-thought? $omes and goes to( and then lo"ing that >I-sense? when it is foundE &e$ome de"oted to it% +oth Ro&ert and Ramana &e$ame self-realized without a method, the# ne"er had to struggle &lindl# as do most of us through a Cuagmire of differing $on$epts% And, through Self-Realization, the# &e$ame full of lo"e for the self( and though the# taught the need to lo"e the self, it was not made an essential part of self inCuir#% !he essen$e of the >I-sense? is the experien$e of the !uri#a state of Sat, 'hit, and Ananda( existen$e, knowledge, &liss% Self-inCuir#, Self Realization is all a&out finding the sour$e of the >I-sense?, whi$h is !uri#a, Sat$hitananda% hen !uri#a is found, meaning when it is isolated from all the other distra$ting experien$es of appearan$esE mood, emotion, the &od# experien$es,
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et$%, one rests in &liss% +liss and e$stas# permeate all% One rests in oneself, happ# and $omplete% !hen one &egins to understand something further( there is nothing other than !uri#a, the Self% !he Self, !uri#a, interpenetrates and per"ades all the other mental and ph#si$al states% !here is nothing outside of the SelfA<OBR O 4 EVLERIE4'E O9 <OB A! !FE )EELES! LEMEL% !he proof is the &liss that penetrates e"er# fi&er of #our &eingnessE #our &od#, #our mind, #our sense of presen$e( all are en"eloped in &liss, and #ou see that there is nothing &ut <OB% It is all #our show, #our emotions and moods, #our &od# and mind, #our self$reated world with #our rea$tion to apparentl# external e"ents and &eings% It is all #ou= !hen religious and se$ular mores "anish, pres$riptions and pros$riptions "anish% 'on$epts "anish as the# are onl# the ra"ings within the mind whi$h $an know &illions of $on$epts, &illions of theories of life and lo"e, s$ien$e and magi$% All disappear in the experien$e of #our &liss% All $on$epts are eaten &# #our e$stasies% !he heart then knows no &oundaries, no limits, no shoulds or should nots% !his is the real &eginning of the spiritual ad"enture, not its $ulmination or end% Self-realization is the &eginning of li"ing in m#ster#, $ompletel# happ#,
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and as Ro&ert and 4isargadatta &oth said, li"ing a&sent the sting of misfortunes in the world% !he &ite is gone% <es, suffering remains e"er#where, it is so $lear% <ou see it so $learl#, &ut the &ite is gone, mitigated &# #our own happiness% One other thing I dis$o"ered as perhaps the &iggest aid to self realization is that of lo"ing and surrendering to a self-realized &eing, &e$ause the identifi$ation $an sweep #ou into #our own sense of Self% <ou re$ognize the Self-of-All in the :other,; the guruE and a&sent that, in a passionate other person, for the Self is at &oth ends of the per$ei"ing( the Self is &oth the lo"er and the &elo"ed% hen #ou feel deep lo"e, surrender, wanting, and a sense of ser"itude with and for anotherE if it persists long enough, #ou &egin to re$ognize that the lo"e is <OBR lo"e, experien$ed within #ou towards the apparent :other%; !he identifi$ation $aused &# lo"ing the apparent other allows the Self to arise in #ou &e$ause that Self, the !uri#a state, is attra$ted to lo"e and worship, and that Self re"eals itself to #ou% !hen $omes the magi$ moment when #ou realize that the Self #ou sought so long outwardl# and inwardl# is #ou and onl# #ou% <ou were &oth the seeker and the sought, now en"eloped in &liss% !here ne"er was an :other,; there alwa#s has &een onl# #ou%
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<ou see, it is so strange% E"er#one, all o"er the world seeks lo"e, the lo"e of another or of *od% !his is the wa# the human ra$e is set up, seeking lo"e for and from another% !his is what makes the human ra$e persist% !his is wh# we want mone# and possessions and power, to get lo"e% !his is the wa# the game is set up( so I sa#, wh# not use that :fa$t; to fa$ilitate Self-RealizationD !he terri&le, &urning, desirous mad lo"e for :another; also summons the Self to show itself to #ou, to #ourself, on$e #ou realize that that mad lo"e is reall# the Self, lo"ing itself through fixation on the Self in another% 9or man# people, this is the wa# to SelfRealization and Self-lo"e, &# first feeling it, &# per$ei"ing the Self in another% So "er# man# people write to me sa#ing the# ha"e read Ro&ert Adams or Ramana and ha"ing &een pra$ti$ing one #ear, two #ears, or ten #ears and sometimes mu$h longer and the# feel stu$k% I tell them to add the &liss of $hanting along with sa$red musi$, and sometimes that helps for a while, &ut often the# still $omplain a&out &eing stu$k% So, I tell them to go out for a while and see if the# $an fall in lo"e with another( a guru, a man or a woman, hopefull# of spiritual &ent% Lo"e them totall#, worship them, surrender to them( &ut all the while
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keep one inner e#e alwa#s open to #our own heart and inner sense of presen$e% !hen #ou will dis$o"er that the lo"e #ou feel is totall# within #ou% It is not that #ou ha"e $reated it, &ut #ou per$ei"e it as &eing part of #our own nature, alwa#s there if #ou know how and where to look in profound silen$e% !he :other; is onl# apparentl# the :other%; !he other has a separate &od#, a separate mind, a phenomenall# separate life, &ut their essen$e, that whi$h is at the heart of their existen$e is the same Self, the >I-Am?, that is #ou% <ou and the other are one in this ultimate state% !he Self is dis$o"ered at &oth ends of the seeking, lo"ing, de"otion, surrender% At this point lo"e of the other ser"es as a $onstant reminder of who and what #ou reall# are% !he de"otion to the other e"en while aware of the Self within is one?s $onstant reminder of one?s own &lissnature, and what Siddharameshwar $alled postrealization de"otion as a fore"er-pra$ti$e of Selfremem&ran$e% Student Comment: Ed, without #ou prodding and $hallenging me at e"er# turn, I would ha"e ne"er had the $ourage to open up m# heart% It is so wide open now it@s s$ar#%%%&ut so ali"e%
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6esus said something that $on$urs with this post% Fe said, IFow $an #ou lo"e *od whom #ou $annot see, if #ou $an@t lo"e man whom #ou $an seeDI Is he not in"iting self dis$o"er# from the pla$e of one@s own $urrent realit#D here does the differentiation &etween *od and man lie &ut in the mindD It is m# $on"i$tion that to Lo"e, I mean to reall# lo"e with the desire to gi"e #ourself in e"er# wa# #ou possi&l# $an, to surrender e"er#thing, to lose #our self in another, that in that Lo"e, in that a$t of surrender, one will find the totalit# of m#ster#, one@s own SEL9% !o drink of another as if the# were #our last drop of water, to thirst for another with this intensit#%%%nothing will &e hidden from the man who does so%
&o'i, Ed(s )fa*orite cat of all time+
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'o(e" Surrender and Awakening

Ro&ert Adams tells of his awakening experien$e and what followed as &elow% After that I dis$uss what his stor# means to me &ased on m# time with him and m# own life sin$e he left us% Robert: : hen I had m# spiritual awakening I was fourteen #ears old% !his &od# was sitting in a $lassroom taking a math test% And all of a sudden I felt m#self expanding% I ne"er left m# &od#, whi$h pro"es that the &od# ne"er existed to &egin with% I felt the &od# expanding, and a &rilliant light &egan to $ome out of m# heart% I happened to see this light in all dire$tions% I had peripheral "ision, and this light was reall# m# Self% It was not m# &od# and the light% !here were not two% !here was this light that &e$ame &righter, and &righter and &righter, the light of a thousand suns% I thought I would &e &urnt to a $risp, &ut alas, I was not% !his &rilliant light, of whi$h I was the $enter and also the $ir$umferen$e, expanded throughout the uni"erse, and I was a&le to feel the planets, the stars, the galaxies, as m#self% And this light shone so &right, #et it was &eautiful, it was &liss, it was ineffa&le, indes$ri&a&le%
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After a while the light &egan to fade awa#, and there was no darkness% !here was 5ust a pla$e &etween light and darkness, the pla$e &e#ond the light% <ou $an $all it the "oid, &ut it was not 5ust a "oid% It was this pure awareness I alwa#s talk a&out% I was aware that >I am that I am?% I was aware of the whole uni"erse at the same time% !here was no time, there was no spa$e, there was 5ust the >I Am?% !hen e"er#thing &egan to return to normal, so-tospeak% And I was a&le to feel and understand that all of the planets, the galaxies, the people, the trees, the flowers on this earth, e"er#thing, were m#riads of energ#, and I was in e"er#thing% I was the flower% I was the sk#% I was the people% !he >I? was e"er#thing% E"er#thing was the >I?% !he word >I? en$ompassed the whole uni"erse% 4ow here@s the point I am tr#ing to make% I felt a lo"e, $ompassion, and humilit#, all at the same time that was trul# indes$ri&a&le% It was not a lo"e that #ou are aware of% !hink of something that #ou reall# lo"e, of someone that #ou reall# lo"e with all #our heart% Multipl# this &# a 5illion million trillion, and #ou will understand what I am talking a&out% !his parti$ular lo"e is like no thing that e"er existed on this earth, $ons$iousl#% !here is nothing #ou $an $ompare it with% It is &e#ond dualit#, &e#ond $on$epts, &e#ond words
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and thoughts% And sin$e the >I?, whi$h I was, was allper"ading, there was no other pla$e for an#thing else to &e% !here was no room for an#thing, &e$ause there was no spa$e, and no time% !here was 5ust the >I Am?, e"er present, self-existent% !he lo"e of e"er#thing was the lo"e of the self% !his is wh#, in s$ripture, it tells #ou to lo"e #our &rother, and #our sister, to lo"e e"er#one and e"er#thing under all $ir$umstan$es% !his lo"e $ould not differentiate% It $ould not sa#, I<ou are good, so I lo"e #ou% <ou are &ad, so I do not lo"e #ou%I E"er#thing was going on as m#self% I realized I am the murderer, I am the saint, I am the so-$alled e"il on this earth, I am the so-$alled goodness of this earth% E"er#thing was the self% And it was all a game% All of the energ# parti$les $hanged from one thing to another thing% +ut the lo"e ne"er $hanged% Another word for this lo"e was $ompassion% !here was this fa&ulous fantasti$ $ompassion for e"er#thingE for e"er#thing was the Self, the >I Am?% !here was no differentiation% !here was not me, what #ou $all me, and those things% !here was onl# one expression, and that was $ons$iousness% Of $ourse, I did not understand all these words at that time%
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!here were no words like I am talking a&out now% I am tr#ing m# &est to speak intelligentl# and tr# to use words to explain what happened, &ut #ou $annot% All the games that people are pla#ing and all the planets throughout the uni"erse is reall# the Self% It was all the Self, and I realized that nothing else existed &ut the Self% <et all of these things, the multipli$ities of planets, of galaxies, of people, of animals, were reall# the Self% Again, there are no words to des$ri&e this% I felt and knew that these multipli$ities do not exist% !hings do not exist% Onl# the Self existed, onl# $ons$iousness, pure awareness% <et, at the same time, $reation $ame into existen$e% And there is no $reation% e $annot understand this in human form% As long as we are thinking with our &rains it is in$omprehensi&le, for how $an the# &oth &e simultaneousl# $reating ea$h otherD !here was $reation going on, and #et there was no $reation at all= !here was no $reation taking pla$e, and $reation was taking pla$e% Sounds like the thoughts of a mad man% And it seemed normal% !here is a&solutel# nothing strange a&out this at all, &eing nothing and e"er#thing at the same time% So this great $ompassion was there% Sin$e I was e"er#thing, the $ompassion was for e"er#thing% 4o thing was ex$luded, for the things were reall# the Self%
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And then there was this fantasti$ humilit#% !he lo"e, $ompassion, and humilit# are all s#non#mous% I am tr#ing to &reak it down to make #ou understand, to an extent, what was going on% !he humilit# was there not to $hange an#thing% E"er#thing was right 5ust the wa# it was% Llanets were exploding, new planets were &eing &orn% Suns were e"aporating, new suns were &eing &orn% 9rom the suns the planets $ame, and then life &egan on the planets% All this was taking pla$e instantaneousl#, at the same time and #et nothing was taking pla$e at all% !herefore the humilit# is that e"er#thing was alright% !here was nothing I had to $hange% !here was nothing I had to $orre$t% !he people d#ing of $an$er were in their right pla$e where no&od# dies, and there is no $an$er% ars, man@s inhumanit# to man was all part of it% !here $annot &e a $reation if there is not an opposite to good% In order to ha"e a $reation there has to &e opposites% !here has to &e the &ad gu# and the good gu#% I was a&le to understand all these things% !he next thing I remem&er is m# tea$her was shaking me% I was the onl# one left in the $lass, e"er#&od# had gone, the &ell rang, and I had not e"en started the mathemati$s test% Of $ourse I got a great &ig zero% +ut those feelings and the understanding ne"er left me% 9rom that time on m# whole life $hanged% I was
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no longer interested in s$hool% I was no longer interested in the friends I had% I will not go on an# more than that for now, as far as that is $on$erned% !he point I am tr#ing to make is this% If the end result of realization is lo"e, $ompassion, and humilit#, what if we were a&le to de"elop these Cualities nowD )o #ou see what I am getting atD If we are a&le to de"elop this lo"e, this &eautiful 5o#ous lo"e, for e"er#thing, without ex$eption, without &eing 5udgmental, and ha"e a great $ompassion, for e"er#thing, without &eing 5udgmental% !hen of $ourse, there is humilit#% Fumilit# means we do not ha"e to tr# to straighten things out, to get e"en, to sti$k up for our rights, for there is no one reall# left to do that% If some of us were to work on those aspe$ts, it would lift us up and make us free% !his is something for #ou to think a&out% e ha"e to learn to lea"e the world alone% e &e$ome so in"ol"ed in politi$s, in famil# life, in work and the rest of these things we are in"ol"ed in, that we forget that we onl# ha"e so man# #ears left on this earth, in the &od#% And what are we doing with all of the time we ha"eD e@re spending the time on things that do not reall# exist, things that make no sense% Imagine #ou are in a pla# in the theater, and #ou are pla#ing a role, and #ou are pla#ing a part% All the
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time #ou are aware that #ou are pla#ing a part% <ou are not reall# that person% It is onl# a part #ou are pla#ing% In the same wa# #ou are now pla#ing a part, &ut #ou ha"e forgotten #ou are pla#ing a part% <ou think #our &od#, the wa# it looks, the wa# it appears, what it does, what it a$Cuires, is real, and #ou put all #our energ# into the game of pla#ing the part% !his is indeed a waste of energ#% Lut #our energ# into finding the Self that #ou reall# ne"er lost% <ou $an do this &# de"eloping the Cualities of lo"e, $ompassion and humilit#% !his is another method #ou ha"e to work on% As #ou are working on self-inCuir#, work on the lo"e, work on $ompassion, and work on humilit#% )o not 5ust pra$ti$e self-inCuir# for a while, and then rea$t negati"el# to the world, and ha"e #our feelings hurt% +e #ourself= Awaken from the dream% Refuse to pla# an# longer% Look at #ourself all da# long% See the things that #ou do, the thoughts that #ou ha"e, the feelings that #ou ha"e% It makes no differen$e what situation #ou are going through% It makes no differen$e what is going on in #our life% !he onl# thing that matters is what is going on inside of #ou% 7armi$all# #ou are put on this earth as a &od#, to go through karmi$ experien$es% !herefore, the experien$e #ou are going through is part of the ma#a,
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the karma% )o not refle$t on these things% !his is important% <ou ha"e to drop this% Lea"e it alone% If #ou onl# knew that nothing $an e"er happen to #ou% !here ne"er was a time when #ou were &orn% !here will ne"er &e a time when #ou die% <ou ha"e alwa#s li"ed% <ou are $ons$iousness% <ou ha"e alwa#s existed% Identif# with #our existen$e% Merge into the existen$e of nothingness% I tell #ou this again and again% Lea"e the world alone% Remem&er what I mean when I sa# to lea"e the world alone% I am not sa#ing that #ou should "oluntaril#, $ons$iousl# make a plan of how #ou are going to lea"e the world alone% <ou will not &e a&le to li"e up to it% +# lea"ing the world alone I mean, entertain in #our mind higher thoughts% Alwa#s ha"e in &a$k of #our mind, II am not the &od#% I am not the doer% I am not the mind%I 9eel this% 9eel it deepl#% )o not feel good or &ad a&out it% )o not tr# to prolong #our life% It is a waste of energ#% hat #ou $all #our life will take $are of itself% It knows what to do &etter than #ou do% e are "er# limited in our understanding a&out the &od#, the affairs of the &od#, and what is going on in the &od#% )o not tr# to do an#thing with #our &od#% <our &od# will do whate"er it $ame here to do% It knows what to do% Separate #our-self from that% Of
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$ourse, #ou ma# do this &# inCuiring, I!o whom does the &od# $omeD ho has this &od#DI and remain in the silen$e% Man# of us here this e"ening are making tremendous progress% I ha"e &een talking to man# of #ou who are reall# getting there% Of $ourse, I use all these terms loosel#% !here is nowhere to get% +ut I ha"e to talk to #ou this wa# to remind #ou to lea"e #ourself alone% I know some of #ou ma# &e in pain sometimes, and #ou sa#, I ell I want to li"e a life free of painE therefore I ha"e to do things to m#self so I do not feel that pain%I !his is reall# a mistake% If #ou $ould onl# realize who has the pain% !o whom does the pain $omeD I ha"e the pain% !hen who am ID If I ha"e the pain, it means that the person who is thinking these things does not ha"e the pain, for it is >I? that has the pain% <ou are free of pain, for #ou are not the >I-thought?% Remem&er the >I? we are talking a&out now is the >I-thought?E it is the >Ithought? that has the pain and the experien$e of &eing &orn, the experien$e of d#ing, and the experien$e of ha"ing pro&lems% !his is the >I-thought? that has these things% 4ot #ou% <ou ha"e to "ehementl# make up #our mind that the onl# thing that matters to #ou is to &e$ome free, li&erated, and let go of all the other things that keep #ou &ound% !his is wh# #ou ha"e to work with lo"e,
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$ompassion and humilit#% 9or if this is the end result of awakening, if #ou do this first, the awakening will $ome faster% E"en while I am talking to #ou, some of #ou are thinking a&out #our &od#, #ou are thinking a&out the mind, #ou are thinking a&out #our work% !his is what keeps #ou &a$k% )estro# the thoughts through self-inCuir#% +e$ome free% )o not fight% )o not fear% O&ser"e, wat$h, look, &ut ha"e no opinions for or against% Some people think if the# a$t this wa# the# will not &e a&le to fun$tion in the world% <ou will fun$tion% Alwa#s remem&er, there is an appearan$e of the &od#, and the &od# $ame here to do $ertain things, and it is going to do those things% It has a&solutel# nothing to do with #ou% Man# times when I talk to #ou I ha"e to keep from laughing, -laughter. explaining all these things, talking a&out all these things, when #ou are alread# free, and #ou alread# know these things% Sometimes we are pulled into the illusionE for there is reall# no thing% hen I talk of *od we are speaking of nothingness% *od is nothing% And that nothing is #ou% e get more deepl# in"ol"ed when we $onstantl# stud#, when we $onstantl# read a&out so man# spiritual topi$s, we get more deepl# in"ol"ed in ma#a whi$h pre"ents us from waking up%
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h# $an@t #ou &e #ourself and wake upD h# do #ou ha"e to go through all these things and make me sit here talking to #ou like thisD 6ust think what I $ould &e doing if I did not ha"e to talk to #ou% I $ould &e wat$hing !ales 9rom the 'r#pt% -Laughter. +e #our Self% hen #ou are #ourself the thoughts $ome slowl# to #ou until the# $ease% hen the thoughts &e$ome slower and slower in #our mind, and the thoughts &egin to disappear, #ou automati$all# &e$ome lo"ing, $ompassionate and #ou will ha"e humilit#% In other words, the faster #ou get rid of #our thoughts, the faster these other things $ome, these other Cualities% So it is a matter of stopping #our thoughts% It is the thoughts that see e"er#thing in this world as good and &ad, right and wrong% As the thoughts &egin to su&side, lo"e $omes &# itself, $ompassion $omes &# itself, and humilit# $omes &# itself% So again, we ha"e to stop thinking%; DISCUSSION So, what was Ro&ert?s awakening experien$eD was it all a&outD hat
It was a &rief, time-limited trans$endental experien$e wherein Ro&ert per$ei"ed himself to &e, the sense of >I?, his sense of >I Am?, to &e Lure 'ons$iousnessE and that e"er#thing in the uni"erse also was Lure 'ons$iousness, and was him% In addition, he
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felt that that an essential $hara$teristi$ of the >I Am,? of $ons$iousness, was lo"eE a great lo"e far &e#ond what humans feel towards ea$h other% Along with this, he felt $ompassion for all sentient &eings, for e"er#thing that is ali"e, as well as a great sense of humilit#% !hen he returned to normal $ons$iousness, &ut with the &elief and $on"i$tion that he was $ons$iousness itself, and the &asi$ nature of that $ons$iousness was lo"e, $ompassion and humilit#, and a total a$$eptan$e of the world as it was% At the same time, the re$ognition that he was $ons$iousness itself, the totalit#, relie"ed him of the illusion that he was &ound &# an indi"idual &od# and mind% !hen Ro&ert proposed one more step and suggests a method% 9irst, he suggests pra$ti$ing self-inCuir# into the sense of >I?, looking e"er more deepl# into one@s own sense of >I?, or >I Am?% !his is the $lassi$ self-inCuir# pro$ess whi$h is the mainsta# of &oth the Ramana tradition of whi$h Ro&ert is a part of, and also of 4isargadatta Mahara5% !hen he states, the feeling that ne"er left him su&seCuent to his awakening experien$e, was his deep
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lo"e for e"er#thing and e"er#one, and a profound sense of humilit#, and a $ompassion for all li"ing things% !hen Ro&ert proposes, : hat if we work on de"eloping this $ompassion, this lo"e, this humilit# here and now &efore the awakening experien$eD; !his would &e an additional pra$ti$e to self inCuir#, of looking into that sense of >I Am?( graduall# &e$oming that sense of >I Am? in meditation and in e"er#da# self-witnessing, self-awareness% Fe sa#s awakening will $ome more Cui$kl# this wa#% In a sense, he?s sa#ing :9ake it till #ou make it%I !hat is, gra& onto the lasting after-effe$ts of the awakening experien$e% )eli&eratel# $ulti"ate &eing kind, de"elop lo"e for another, feel lo"e for another "er# deepl# and totall# lose oursel"es in lo"e% E"er# da# we should $ulti"ate in$reasing $ompassion for all li"ing things, for hungr# animals, star"ing &a&ies, towards trees, inse$ts and e"en ro$ks and a running ri"er% And at the same time, we lose our arrogan$e, wanting $onstantl# to &ow in $omplete surrender to one@s &elo"eds, whome"er or whate"er the# ma# &e% e drop to our knees in humilit#% e tou$h the feet of our &elo"ed% e &e$ome like dust in ser"i$e to those we lo"e% And &# su$h deli&erate $ulti"ation of lo"e, humilit#,
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$ompassion and surrender, there is &uilt in us a re$epti"it# for the trans$endental awakening experien$esE whi$h in a sense, reall# are no longer ne$essar# &e$ause we are alread# li"ing the fruit of awakening% 9or this reason I emphasize lo"ing one another as deepl#, as extensi"el# $ompassionatel# as possi&le, until our lo"e for another is so intense and deep that naturall# we drop to our knees in deep humilit# and surrender% !hat is wh# I re$ommend human relationships so mu$h, to pra$ti$e in$reasing lo"ing in the most personal and powerful wa# to open us to the deepest lo"e for sentien$e, surrender to the unfolding of $ons$iousness in its own wa# and time% It is a wa# that the limited &e$omes the infinite% +# pra$ti$ing lo"e, $ompassion, surrender and humilit#, we take on the $loak of *od, until, as 4isargadatta puts it, the >I Am,? *od, $ons$iousness lo"es #ou &a$k and releases #ou% 4isargadatta?s experien$e was similar% Fis guru told him he was not his &od# and he immediatel# a$$epted that% ith that $on"i$tion he $on$entrated on his sense of >I Am?% In less than three #ears he had a great awakening, &ut whi$h he ne"er des$ri&ed%
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hat I would note though, is that Mahara5 gra&&ed onto one fruit of the awakening experien$e, that he was not his &od#% !hat $on"i$tion, along with fo$us on and lo"e of the >I Am?, released him from suffering and distress and $reated one of the great 6nanis of our time% Student Comment: h# did I get into spiritualit# four #ears agoE &oredom, the desire to es$ape from life as I knew it, and an o"er all feeling of &eing imprisoned as a woman% I &egan to realize that m# whole life I had &een an e$ho for another man@s truth, that of &eing a @man-made@ woman, a se$ond-$lass $itizen, and I was d#ing in man# wa#s% I was pondering toda# m# as$ent out of man# of the &inding tenets of 'hristian Orthodox#, a s#stem I had managed to sho"e e"er# aspe$t of m# life into% Refle$ting &a$k, I was stunned at how powerful @&elief@ is and how the ideas I used to &elie"e in #ears ago seem so sill# toda#E meaning, the# no longer ha"e an# power o"er me to a large extent% I wondered how I had $ome to &e so easil# $on"in$ed of another@s ideas and if these ideas $ould &e seen through and dropped%
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I wondered if those primal &eliefs of, @I am the &od#, I was &orn, I will die@ $ould &e dropped in the same wa# as an# other &elief, &# $onstantl# Cuestioning, in"estigating, $ontemplating% I pondered how I $ame to ha"e these &eliefs, who told me these thingsD Are the# trueD 'an I know for m#selfD I wondered if these things are sCueezed out of us, gentl#, mostl# without dete$tion and we find we feel more natural, more whole% I am finding that patien$e is a must in spiritualit#% Another one of the reasons I got into spiritualit# is &e$ause when I &egan to Cuestion and see through m# religious &eliefs I &e$ame terrified% I $ouldn@t imagine life without *od and sin$e I onl# knew *od within the $ontext of 'hristianit#, I was $on"in$ed that to drop that religion as the &lueprint for m# life meant that I would &e without an#thing% !he fear and the terror were too great at the timeE so un$ons$iousl#, I turned to spiritualit# in order to feel @safe and se$ure@ and &e$ame deepl# $onditioned with the learned $on$eptual idea of what awakening was% !he more spiritual &ooks I read the more I was $on"in$ed that I would experien$e something like the @&ig &ang@E a huge, one time, $ata$l#smi$ e"ent that would relie"e me of @m# life%@ I noti$e from time to time that the residue of this idea still lingers in the &a$k of m# mind% I find m#self sometimes, @waiting@ for
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@I!@% I am realizing that this has all &een learned 5ust as m# &eliefs in 'hristianit# had &een learned% I ha"e merel# ex$hanged one &elief for another% Must the# all goD 'an the# all goD Is it possi&le to @&e@ without @&elief@D I must find out for m#self% I am seeing that the sear$h @without@ is endless%
Mali,u.
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The S+iritual &rocesses Around a /uru and Ashram

A #ear ago I was wat$hing a "ideo moderated &# Andrew 'ohen, of m# friend Shankarananda with two other swamis from the Muktananda tradition, who had run ashrams for a num&er of #ears% Mostl# the program addressed the personal diffi$ulties the three had en$ I want to make $lear that this powerful in$andes$ent and arisingountered running ashrams with a $om&ined experien$e of o"er P0 #ears% !he uniform theme was that it was Cuite diffi$ult% Leople in the Sangha alwa#s $ame to the ashram with tons of pre$on$eptions a&out what spiritualit# was a&outE what and who the guru was and should &e in terms of who or what he or she was supposed to &e, and what he or she was supposed to deli"er% !hese ideas and pre$on$eptions "aried widel#, as did their own pre$on$eptions a&out their own o&ligations to the tea$her and the ashram% One swami dis$ussed his loneliness as he reall# had no one to talk to :at his le"el,; whi$h to me sounded rather arrogant at the time% Another talked a&out daggers $oming at him from all dire$tions, as $haoti$ &attles and &a$ksta&&ing were or $ould &e &reaking out at an# time% Another talked a&out how $areful he had to &e in e"er# statement, e"er# word, e"er# fa$ial
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expression for fear of $ausing someone an offen$e and starting some sort of &uried seething or o"ert angr# $onfrontation% Most new arri"als did seem to ha"e similar ideas regarding the ideal guru as Ramana Maharshi, or someone similarE &eing &ene"olent, aloof #et lo"ing, undistur&ed &# an#thing in life, a $onstant smile on his fa$e, exuding Shakti power that turned the ashram into a Shangri-La of &liss and e$stas# where e"er#one felt lo"ed and a$$epted% Others had no fixed notions, &ut I remem&er I did% I had ne"er $ontemplated a ,en master or guru to &e an ordinar# mortal &eing with faults, ma#&e some inse$urities, or ha"ing romanti$ relationships% I figured the# had all totall# gone &e#ond, as the :*one, gone, gone awa#, gone awa# to the other shore; of the Feart Sutra predi$ted% !hen for ea$h new$omer, graduall# $ame the re$ognition that on$e again, the# were 5ust in a new group of ordinar# people with faults and pre$on$eptionsE led not &# the Son of *od, &ut &# a human &eing with irritating faults, perhaps too aloof, perhaps too personal, perhaps e"en-handed or not, and perhaps pla#ing fa"orites% !hat is, ea$h week that passed, pre$on$eptions were shed, or else the person left in disappointment or disgust% Mer# few were entirel# happ# with the ashram situation% !he# had expe$ted something differentE
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perhaps an eas# road to awakening, held in stasis &# the e$stati$ presen$e of a di"ine guru% Later, that same guru might appear to the new$omer to &e a horri&le, un$aring, self-$entered lout that onl# $ared a&out himself or the ashram, and not a&out them as people% Others thri"ed in the ashram settings% Lersonall#, I lo"ed themE from the man# ,en $enters and monasteries I li"ed in to the three Muktananda ashrams, to the Fari 7rishna temples and $ompounds I "isited% !here was something different a&out ashramites% !he# were not mu$h in"ol"ed in the world% Instead the# were in"ol"ed in going into themsel"es, pra$ti$ing meditation or e$stati$ $hanting% Man# of these ashrams were remarka&l# sta&le, some not% If there was an ashram where people li"ed together, the Sangha appeared more sta&le% !he people li"ing there had ea$h made some sort of $ommitment to the ashram 5ust &# lea"ing their former life and li"ing there% One nota&le example is Leonard 'ohen who left his $ele&rit# life &ehind for long periods and mo"ed to Mt% +ald# ,en 'enter and &e$ame a monk% Leonard found pea$e there and a deeper sense of himself% Fowe"er, if the Sangha 5ust met for Satsang on$e or twi$e a week at someone?s house or at a $enter of some sort, it tended to &e unsta&le with a rapid
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turno"er% !here is something a&out ha"ing made the $ommitment to li"e together that sta&ilizes the Sangha% I was with Ro&ert for 8 #ears, a&out H in Los Angeles% O"er those 8 #ears, ma#&e thousands of people $ame to sit in Satsang or ha"e lun$h with him and thousands more met him on the phone or had $onta$t "ia letters% Ro&ert ne"er had an ashramE we alwa#s met at someone else?s house% Like $lo$kwork, e"er# #ear the Sangha would &e torn apart &# some inner $onfli$t and entirel# &reak up% E"er# #ear we were for$ed to meet in a new house of a new student, &e$ause of an explosion of rampant 5ealousies, arguments, per$ei"ed slights and humiliations and per$ei"ed failures of Ro&ert to &e the perfe$t Ramana-guruE the Sangha would &reak up and half would lea"e without e"er explaining wh# and we would start all o"er again somewhere else% !he $entral pro&lem in Ro&ert?s Sangha was Ro&ert?s &eha"iors $ontrasted to his words in Satsang, and a$$ess and3or $ontrol o"er Ro&ert and the dire$tion of the Sangha% It seemed e"er#one wanted more a$$ess to Ro&ert than the# had, and there were man# small $liCues that wanted to $ontrol e"er# aspe$t of the Sangha( from who was to trans$ri&e Satsangs, who was to $ompose
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and edit Ro&ert?s &ooks, who was to tape re$ord, who was to $oordinate &ringing food and deserts for Satsang and our &i-monthl# parties, who was going to &e spokesperson, what $hants were to &e pla#ed at Satsang, ad"ertising, writing magazine arti$les, et$% E"er#one wanted to help and e"er#one had their own ideas of how something should &e done% !here was not a lot of surrender to the wa# things were, nor was there mu$h surrender to the totalit# of the ideal of the greater good of the $ommunit# or Ro&ert as a person% E"er#one 5ust wanted to &e $loser to Ro&ertE ha"e his )arshan, his remarka&le presen$e of pea$e, emptiness and utter a$$eptan$eE &ut in the larger sense, the# did not want to pa# the pri$e of inner work, supporting the guruE and of surrender, whi$h is the $rux of the tea$her3student relationship---at least for me% +ut getting $lose to Ro&ert was diffi$ult% Fis time was limited and he had a few $lose students he met with for lun$h e"er# week, whi$h limited a$$ess to him ex$ept at Satsang% In su$h situations, $liCues almost alwa#s form, although his $losest students all reall# got along with him( Mar#, Lee, )ana and I% Bnfortunatel#, man# $ame to Ro&ert, and in their attempt to get $lose, would tr# to :poison; Ro&ert?s mind against one or another of usE or e"en set up a $liCue within the Sangha and approa$h Ro&ert with some pro5e$t or another in order to gain more a$$ess%
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Leople would tell Ro&ert that I was doing this or that, whi$h was ruining Satsang and the SanghaE or that there was a new person who was to &e $arefull# wat$hed &e$ause the# had a &ad :"i&e; or some other pro&lem% Mar#, Lee and I were alwa#s targets of &eing &ad-mouthed &# ea$h other, or &# them telling Ro&ert all a&out our faults in an attempt to get $loser to himE &# pointing out how fault# we were $ompared to how :lo#al,; :honest,; or lo"ing the# were% Ro&ert?s Sangha was often like the Mati$an under the +orgias, with $onstant intrigue and &ehind the &a$k &loodletting% *enerall#, it ended up with man# &laming Ro&ert for &eing who he was and doing what he did% Students ne"er took responsi&ilit# for their own a$tions and emotions, and pro5e$ted the whole mess onto Ro&ert, or me, or Mar# or someone else% O"er the 8 #ears I was with him, onl# four sta#ed with him to the end( m#self, Mar#, Lee, and )ana% Out of thousands, onl# Q sta#ed% Ro&ert was alwa#s looking for the ones who sta#ed despite all the turmoil in the Sangha% !he same is true of all gurus% Mer# few students sta# long, and the $loser #ou get to the tea$her, the less likel# #ou are to sta# &e$ause others in the Sangha &egin :disinformation; $ampaigns to ad"an$e their own agendas &# disempowering someone else%
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Strangel#, I saw mu$h less of this attitude in an# ,en $enter or monaster#% ith the ,en masters in the H0s and 80s, we knew who was in $harge% !he pro&lem arose more with the Ro&ert-led Sanghas of few rules, no shared li"ing Cuarters and no set responsi&ilities% Ro&ert was not a dis$iplinarian, nor did he $are mu$h for the dire$tion that the Sangha went% !hat meant a "er# loose management st#le, lea"ing openings for people to $ome and go, making suggestions or doing whate"er the# wanted, whene"er the# wanted% A lot of people &e$ome like lo"e-star"ed little $hildren, looking for re$ognition, a kind word or appro"al from the Sangha itself, and more and more a$$ess to the tea$her% <ou see, often a new person $omes with infinitel# good intent, filled with a strong desire to know his or her self and truthE filled with de"otion, and lo#al to the entire pro$ess, &ut their own deep and personal needs get a$ti"ated% !hen instead of using this as a perfe$t opportunit# for self-inCuir#, the# get &lown awa# &# the intensit# of their own needs as well as &# whate"er the guru?s response is, whether gi"ing or withholding% !his happens to e"er# student at some point, and usuall# a multiple num&er of times, as happened to me with regard to Ro&ert% hile a few asked themsel"es these self-in"estigati"e Cuestions, most remained
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fo$used on what the# did not get from Ro&ert or the Sangha% 9ew went within themsel"es and asked what it was a&out Ro&ert that pushed them to expe$t or demand this or that from the guru% !he# did not ask, : hat is it I4 ME that needs to &e stripped from ME, so I $an feel open and lo"ing towards m# guruD; !his is the sort of personal self-inCuir# that e"er# student needs to address at moments of a separation $risis% : hat is it in me that makes me feel Ro&ert or Ed are failures as tea$hersD h# is it I do not trust the spiritual unfolding pro$essD hat are3were m# expe$tations and are the# realisti$, or are the# $hildhood remnants that interfere with all m# relations nowD; In man# $ases these are purel# ps#$hologi$al Cuestions pertaining to a per$ei"ed failure in a student?s relationship with the tea$her, &ut the# need to &e resol"ed so that the# $an &e$ome empt# enough to get emotionall# $lose enough to the tea$her to experien$e repeated glimpses of the infinite( of $omplete emptiness, of the di"ine &eing% !his is how the &ond with the guru is $ulti"ated and nourished% !his is the hard work% It is eas# to lo"e the guru while we ha"e an idealized image of him or her% +ut when we get $lose to the guru, his $la# feet are seen, and our man# idealized pro5e$tions of
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what the guru is, or should &e, are shattered, and then the reall# hard work &egins% !his is the $rux of the self-inCuir# pro$ess% !he more we strip awa# our own resistan$es, the more open and a$$epting of oursel"es and the guru we are% And then the intima$# we so seek with our tea$her and ultimatel# with our own Self is slowl# re"ealed% e $an now taste the pure sense of >I Am?% On a parallel thread, there are those who &# personalit# are :doers,; and gain re$ognition and gratifi$ation through doing and $ontrollingE while others want to ha"e nothing to do with this aspe$t of Satsang% !hese others 5ust want to work on themsel"es and ha"e nothing to do with organizing Satsang% !he# 5ust want to $ome in pea$e, sit near the tea$her, lo"e the tea$her, listen to his or her words, internalize them and feel e$stas# with the $hanting and in meditation% It is these Cuiet people, these more sh# and intro"erted people who reall# :progress; and work their wa# towards going free% I am not sa#ing the doers do not progress, for I was a $hief doer with Ro&ert and su$h a$ti"ities stood me well o"er timeE &ut the greatest progress happens after #ou surrender the doing to *od, to $ons$iousness% After three #ears with Ro&ert, I stopped initiating an#thing on m# own and 5ust waited
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for Ro&ert to dire$t me% hen Ro&ert left Los Angeles, I stopped doing altogether and 5ust rested in m#self% It is with some of these non-doing people that a tea$her tends to spend more time, &e$ause he and the# feel rapid $hanges taking pla$e within them, awa# from the noise of the group% It is also with them that the tea$her $an &e more of him or herself, in his own emptiness, a$$eptan$e and lo"e, all held in silen$e% hen some people dis$o"er how mu$h time the tea$her spends with these people $ompared with them, the# again feel 5ealous% !his is espe$iall# the $ase for the t#pe-A doers who are making Satsang health# and happening% !he# feel $heated in a senseE the# are doing so mu$h for the tea$her and the Sangha and in their minds and 5udgment their tea$her is spending more time, for whate"er reason, with someone else who is doing so little in $omparison% <ou see, it is not a matter of how mu$h time one spends in spiritual a$ti"ities, &ut how mu$h time one spends with the guru and within one?s own self, and #ou $annot trade a$ti"ities to support the Sangha with $loseness to the tea$her% !he openness of true surrender is felt &# the tea$her and automati$all# attra$ts him or her% !rue surrender lights a fire of de"otion &oth in the student and the guru% hat I learned su&seCuentl#, &ut did not know at the time, I needed to &etter $ontain m# relationships
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with students so that less was known generall# a&out m# relationship with ea$h student% Fowe"er, the students themsel"es were alwa#s talking to ea$h other a&out their own relationships with me and with others, so there was no real $ontaining or isolation% Rele"ant to this $ontainer $on$ept, we need to &e aware that none of us e"er fun$tions in isolation% If I feel anxious or depressed, 5ust m# &earing and presen$e $auses those states to &e $ommuni$ated to others who are sensiti"e to me% !his then :$ontaminates; their own state, whi$h again &e$omes $ommuni$ated to others in a ripple down effe$t% Some spiritual people are "er# empathi$% !he# &e$ome energ# workers or Reikian therapists% Some are almost telepathi$% !he# $an feel e"en well-hidden emotional states in others, and feel the in$ongruit# of the hidden emotional state -su$h as hatred. as opposed to how a person expresses himself% !he more meditation one does on one?s own sense of presen$e, on the >I Am?, the more sensiti"e some people get to these non-expressed emotional states and the energ#presen$e of others% I am aggression a"oidant% I tr# to a"oid $onfli$t if possi&le and to smooth o"er &uried $onfli$ts with an attitude of :out of sight, out of mind%; Fowe"er, in su$h a situation, it will appear to empaths that their $on$erns and worries are not &eing addressed and that
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m#self, the &lind tea$her, is ignoring their "er# urgent intuitionE while I appear to side with the person hiding hatred or ill-intent towards the others% In these situations, the empathi$ person feels unsafe and unprote$ted &e$ause the tea$her has not e"en a$knowledged the truth of what their intuition of danger tells them% In this $apa$it# of ignoring their true intuitions, I failed man#, man# times% !hus :reading; the minds and hearts of the Sangha mem&ers, a&o"e and &e#ond what the# sa# and do &e$omes of utmost importan$e for a tea$herE while learning how to deal with these situations &e$omes in$reasingl# important in an ashram or Satsang setting% I must admit I ha"e failed man# times in m# stum&ling approa$h to running a &ene"olent Sangha, and often ha"e relied on the ad"i$e of those I should ha"e ignored% It has &een an intense learning experien$e% I ha"e sin$e learned more a&out empath# as this a&ilit# has slowl# in$reased in me during the past #ear% In fa$t, this talent $an &e honed and &e$ome a Siddhi, a power to &e used for good or ill% hen we are reall# $losel# atta$hed and &onded, we $an e"en feel the emotional states and energ# states of those we lo"e and are $lose toE o"er distan$es e"en when dire$t $on"ersations or an#
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$ommuni$ations for that matter are not taking pla$e% If a lo"ed one is feeling sad, despairing, or radiantl# happ#, we $an feel it% If he or she is in a raging argument with their hus&and, wife or $hild, we $an feel it, and sometimes feel these emotions as our own and wonder what &rought these states on% It $an &e$ome reall# $onfusing for someAthe origin of their mental and emotional states% One $an a$tuall# :feel; on a deep, intuiti"e le"el -whi$h some $all the astral le"el. the e&&ing and flowing of $ons$iousness itselfE as well as how that flow is affe$ting those we are $lose to, or the Satsang as a whole% +e$oming aware of these energies, flows and impa$ts on those we lo"e is reall# an in$redi&l# interesting and ex$iting pro$ess taking pla$e on the plane of the manifest% Ro&ert $ertainl# did not den# these le"els existed, &ut onl# emphasized the# should &e ignored as irrele"ant to one?s own li&eration from the manifest world, and all these empathi$ e"ents are related to the manifest world% !his in$reased empath# and awareness makes ashram li"ing &oth easier and more diffi$ult, &e$ause life is more su&tle and nuan$ed, and we are more open and influen$ed &# :in"isi&le and unexpressed; affe$ts and flows within $ons$iousness%
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!he more personal the tea$her is, the $loser to his or her heart that he allows his students to $ome, the more intense will &e the needs, 5ealousies and angersE as well as the intensit# of lo"e that these relationships will ignite and sustain% hen the guru is more distant and not so open, all the infighting goes on in the &a$kground, if it goes on at all, and few ha"e an# sense it is e"en happening ex$ept for a felt sense that a $ertain situation is odd% !he spiritual pro$ess is one of $onstant de$onstru$ting of one?s ego and &elief s#stems and a progressi"e surrender to the tea$herE on$e #ou realize that #ou and the tea$her are not separate from the o"erall pro$ess of $ons$iousness :e"ol"ing; in and through #ou% In fa$t, spiritual :progress; is surrendering to the pro$ess of losing what inhi&its #our awakening, and this is extremel# painful and frightening su$h as letting go of #our $on$ept of the perfe$t guru or how the spiritual pro$ess should look% Man# students want the tea$her to $reate a situation where it is eas# to wake up, &ut in fa$t, it is up to the student to do the work, to pra$ti$e selfinCuir# on wh# the feelings of wanting to run awa# are $oming up% : h# do the# $ome to me,; one should ask% : h# am I so angr# with the tea$herD h# do I feel hatred towards V, < and ,D hat is m# part in all
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thisD h# do I &elie"e V &ut not the tea$her, or wh# do I &elie"e the tea$her and not VD; !he sour$e of the need to run awa# is in #ou, wh# do #ou runD 'an #ou 5ust sta# with the feelings and not run or not $reate stories to 5ustif# the urge to run or strike outD <ou see, in our Sangha, like with Ro&ert?s, or Ramana?s, or with 4isargadatta, most people are 5ust passing through% So don?t worr# a&out what is wrong with the tea$her or with the Sangha, &e$ause $ons$iousness is dire$ting e"er#thing% <ou, Ro&ert and I are 5ust small $ogs in an unlimited, infinite unfolding of $ons$iousness, and all of our :huge; pro&lems are not e"en pimples to *od% <et, &e$ause of the apparent hugeness of our pro&lems, we do not trust the unfolding pro$ess, and when our pro&lems are not sol"ed, we often fixate on the tea$her?s failures that ha"e $aused us to not progress and go free% It &e$omes his fault, not ours or that of $ons$iousness itselfE it &e$omes the Sangha?s fault, not ours or that of $ons$iousness itself and the role assigned to us &# the grand unfolding% e make up stories that &lo$k our own self-inCuir# and deepening, and then we run awa# from the $ooking we oursel"es are $reating in asso$iation with *od and guru%
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!he $haos and $ooking people experien$ed at Ro&ert?s Sangha had little to do with Ro&ert% Fe was 5ust the apparent figurehead% Onl# four sta#ed for the entire 8 #ears with Ro&ert, and Ro&ert was alwa#s looking for those who sta#ed &# him, mostl# the Cuiet ones, who spent mu$h time looking into themsel"esE reading the trans$ripts, meditating, or wanting to spend time with the tea$her and surrendering to the pro$ess of the unfolding of $ons$iousness through him or her, whi$h the mind $annot see, &ut the heart $an dire$tl# intuit, minute &# minute%
Ro,ert and the author, circa -../.
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)ontinual Seeking
!his is what Ro&ert Adams said on the su&5e$t of running from one tea$her to another, endless reading of spiritual &ooks, dis$ussion in forums su$h as 9a$e&ook and emails, tra"el to exoti$ pla$es seeking perfe$t meditation "enues, et$% :In Ad"aita Medanta, the knower is the last to go% hat $omes after the knowerD Silen$e= !here is nothing else% 6ust think how mu$h knowledge #ou ha"e gathered all these #earsE reading so man# &ooks, seeing so man# tea$hers, ha"ing so man# dis$ussions, de&ates and arguments% 'an #ou not see now this is what has &een holding #ou &a$kD <ou ha"e &elie"ed that #ou are the knower and that #ou ha"e to &e$ome a knower to &e$ome free% <et no one has to know an#thing for there is a&solutel# nothing to know% h# is there nothing to knowD +e$ause there is onl# omnipresen$e, infinit#, a&solute realit# and there is no name for this% -Fere Ro&ert is talking a&out what $omes after SelfRealzation, knowing !ur#a, +rahman% Fe is talking a&out the final $ondition%. In other words, #ou $annot know a&solute realit#% <ou $annot know pure awareness% As long as there is
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someone who knows a&out it, it does not exist% It@s onl# when #ou put an end to knowing that #ou &e$ome the Self% !he Self has no shape, no form, and no identit#% It is no thing% <et #ou are that% hat are #ou going to do a&out itD Instead of a&iding in it, when most of #ou walk out this door #ou will start dis$ussions and arguments% <ou will start thinking a&out #our outside world% <ou will start thinking a&out #our &od#, #our material happiness, or #our material suffering% And #ou will &e &a$k where #ou started% hat I am sa#ing to #ou is that if #ou $ould onl# learn to &e Cuiet, in #our mindE if #our mind learns to keep Cuiet, it will &e$ome weaker and weaker and #ou will noti$e that all the a$tions #ou are doing, and all the $on$epts #ou are talking a&out ha"e a&solutel# nothing to do with #ou% <et #ou will $ontinue to do things, go pla$es and experien$e this so-$alled lifeE &ut #ou are doing a&solutel# nothing% 9or there is no one left to do an# thingE there is no one left to get si$k, there is no one left to &e health#% !here is no one left to &e poor, there is no one left to &e ri$h% !here is no one left to possess an#thing and there is no one left not to possess an#thing%
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!here is 5ust no one left, and this is what gi"es #ou freedom% And the onl# wa# #ou $an get to that pla$e is to keep CuietE to &e silent%; -Again, Ro&ert is talking a&out the final state, going &e#ond !uri#a% A$$ording to the Cuotes from Siddharameshwar that I ha"e &een posting, the >I Am?, !uri#a, +rahman, is the pure knowing state, and e"entuall# e"en knowledge has to go% !his is e"en after self-inCuir# is finished% +ut, he e"en sa#s that his pra$ti$e of silen$e( not tra"eling, not reading, not dis$ussing, $an take #ou all the wa#% In a sense, &# remaining silent, 5ust &# looking within, #ou are emulating the final state% <ou ha"e to remem&er that Ro&ert here is not talking to ad"an$ed students, &ut is reall# 5ust talking like this to ha"e them turn their attention awa# from &ooks, gurus and tra"el, and to turn inwardl# towards the Self of all%. I 5ust got an email from a friend and student sa#ing he is going to 4epal for G months to spend time in a monaster# in order to go :deep%; Fe plans on doing this e"en now that his pra$ti$e at home got &etter% Lart of his desire to tra"el was a &reakup with his fian$e% Fe wrote( :I am glad to tell #ou that m# meditation sittings are deepening again% !his morning I was $learl# aware of a $hanging in the &od# awareness% M# &od# felt like
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a thing, a li"ing su&tle "i&rating energ#% It didn@t feel like me% It was su&tle, spa$e# and o&5e$ti"e% I was in wonder looking at this phenomena% !houghts are there &ut the mind did feel strong and like a ro$k% And in the &a$kground there was a $ontinuum sense of &eingnessE this all passing &# in less than half an hour% I tell #ou this onl# to express m# 5o# of feeling $onne$ted again with something deeper in m#self%; Fe wanted me to &less his 5ourne#% Another student wrote from India, writing of an experien$e of lo"e with a woman that happened there and the sense of >I Am? that arose from it( :!hen she left and I was utterl# amazed how de"astated I a$tuall# felt% It reall# was painful and I wondered what to do with that% I started to feel the grief and sadness, reall# sit with it% !hen it transformed into this immense &eaut# and de"otion to existen$e itself% It was like nothing I had e"er experien$ed and I still get $hills of &liss right now 5ust writing a&out it% !here was a $learer "iew, a more 9EL! "iew of the >I Am?% And instead of grief now $ame a warm gratitude to her for &lessing me with this%; Fe does not realize that this ingoing he is experien$ing is partiall# due to his &reakup, and the ingoing of the lo"e energ# pre"iousl# dire$ted outwards to another%
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Another left for !hailand from his home after &eing a student de"oted to self-inCuir#, :In order to experien$e life and grow%; Fe has &een going in and out of happiness sin$e, &ut then a&ruptl# left our satsang &e$ause of a personal $risis and his desire to find a woman and more experien$es &efore enlightenment% Another student is tea$hing English in Mietnam and "isiting +uddhist temples% Another dear student a&ruptl# de$ided to go the 5ungles of Leru to take some ps#$hedeli$ plant with a shaman for a num&er of $omplex reasons% <et another student 5ust spent a month in India and thinks of going &a$k two more times during the next #ear% I 5ust do not get it% hat #ou all are seeking is <OB% <OB are alwa#s there% +eing with #our SadguruAthe human guru who knows who he or she isA$an help <OB to re$ognize and &e <OBE &ut all the tra"eling to monasteries, shamans, monks, foreign retreats, 5ungle "isits, et$%, all o$$ur on the le"el of the &od# and mindE and are experien$es of the &od# and mind% Mu$h of the seeking a&o"e is reall# seeking the lo"e of another human in a romanti$ relationshipE or
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the result of a &reakup of a romanti$ relationship with all the lo"ing energ# of the >I Am,? now no longer ha"ing an external o&5e$t, turning inward on its own self% All the while the mind tells the person that it $an onl# &e found in some exoti$ land, in some exoti$ spiritual institution% <ou $an explore #our inner world of "isions, energies, ar$het#pes, emotions, :guided finds; also known as impulses, listening to talks, ha"ing new tea$hers, new experien$es, et$%, and what will #ou ha"e foundD O4L< MORE O9 !FE SAME= An#thing that happens on the le"el of the &od#, or the mind, su$h as knowledge, experien$es su$h as lo"e, sex, ps#$hedeli$s, drugs, and meditation experien$es, are 5ust on the le"el of the &od# and mind% !here is no freedom here% !here is onl# endless, empt# exploration whi$h ma# seem ex$iting while #ou are doing it, &ut after a dozen #ears of su$h seeking, what will #ou doD It is onl# &# going deep into #ourself that #ou will find what #ou seek% *o deeper than the &od#, deeper than the mind and thoughts, &ooks, le$tures and the next guru, deeper into the Moid and emptiness, and deeper still into the >I Am? experien$e% *o deeper into <OB% <ou $an do it alone, &ut it tends to get &oring &e$ause e"er#one wants to go too Cui$kl# without
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exhausting the tea$hings of ea$h le"el of the Moid and of the >I Am?% +eing in the presen$e of someone who knows the Self is the &est pra$ti$e% All of the other seeking is meaningless%
Mali,u.
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Freedom!
Most of #ou realize &# now that I tea$h a different sort of path, one of winning a radi$al freedom from $on$epts, from so$ial $onditioning around politi$s, famil#, marriage, sex, ideas of progress, and mis$on$eptions a&out what spiritualit#, methods, and gurus are% 9or most e"er#one, life is li"ed from the head( thinking, 5udging, measuring, $al$ulating, identif#ing% e do not e"en ha"e experien$es until we $an identif# them, $ategorize them, and award a "alue of good, &ad, or indifferent% All da# long we see, 5udge, $hat, and respond to in$oming information and sensations% +ut the mind $reates e"er#thing% It $reates some sort of sta&ilit# and order to the in$oming, e"erflowing and $hanging world of inner and outer sensations% M# goal is to get #ou out of #our head and li"ing from the heart without thinking, &# dire$tl# intuiting% !his means getting rid of all $on$epts, and li"ing with an empt# mind &ut open heart% !hese are two separate goals rarel# found together( li"ing from an empt# mind, and ha"ing an open, intuiti"e, lo"ing and $ompassionate heart%
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!he felt Moid, the all $ontaining emptiness of the 6nani, the sage, often snuffs out lo"e, $onne$tedness and $ompassion% One &e$omes an Arhat, dead to the world and dead to one?s own desires, an impersonal puppet of the mo"ements of $ons$iousness, witnessed from afar &# the A&solute and final itness, Lara&rahman% One has died to his or her self, to desires, to a sense of mission or goals% All are gone in order to li"e in pea$e and a &reath of $ontinuous &liss% !his is 4isargadatta in his last #ears% All emptiness and a $utting mind who had lost all his desires e"en for life itself% !his is so mu$h the position of man# of the neo-Ad"aitins, li"ing in their $r#stal &right, $lear awareness, with no felt sense of a separate self% Ramana was a lot like this as are most ,en $lassi$s, and most +uddhist s$hools% On the other hand, we find the "arious paths of the heart( 'hristian m#sti$ism, mu$h of the Sufi tradition, and the "arious paths of +hakti, as espoused &# Ramakrishna and others% !his path is far different from the Cuietism of ,en, +uddhist meditations on emptiness, and self-inCuir# as des$ri&ed &# Ramana and Ro&ert Adams% !his path is full of energ#, lo"e, passion, anger, 5ealous#, sometimes "iolen$e, sexualit#, atta$hments, and most espe$iall# of e$stasies, &liss and mo"ements of $urrents inside the &od# and inside one?s sense of presen$e%
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ith the latter path the heart opens from the sheer power of the energies aroused% !here is a full in"ol"ement of the entiret# of one?s &eing at e"er# moment, while emotions and energies $onstantl# rip apart all one?s &eliefs and former atta$hments, su$h as to so$ial gra$efulness, etiCuette, former atta$hments, et$%, and one 5ust madl# pursues their true lo"e, whi$h is one?s own Self, &ut whi$h ma# first &e found in another% Fow to get #ou to trans"erse &oth pathsD !hat is m# $onstant Cuestion% Like 4isargadatta and Ro&ert, I $onstantl# appear to $ontradi$t m#self &e$ause all "er&al $ommuni$ation is in words, and words are fixed, while peoples? minds $an &e fluid% hat I sa# to one on one da#, I will $ontradi$t the next da# in responding to another% After a while #ou &egin to see the $orre$tness of the answer I ga"e to one on a spe$ifi$ da#, and the opposite answer I ga"e to another the next da#% Ea$h was stu$k at a different pla$e and ea$h reCuired a separate, unsti$king answer% B%*% 7rishnamurti stated that as part of the awakening pro$ess he $alled :!he 'alamit#,; he $ould no longer think% ords 5ust did not make sense to him% Fis mind $ould not wrap around an# word or senten$e% Fe saw a realit# that was wordless and $ould not relate the network of thought to that new world% !he# were two "er# different things%
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Fe had &een wrapped in the spiritualit# of the !heosophi$al So$iet# and 6iddu 7rishnamurti for 20 #ears% Fe had personall# met all the guru3tea$hers from Ramana, to $omplete impostures, and had had his mind $ontaminated &# all their $ontradi$tor# tea$hings for that entire time% !o see who he reall# was he had to shed all $on$epts gi"en to him from outside a&out who he was% Fe had to see himself dire$tl#% In order for that to happen, all the $on$epts had to &e washed out of him% It was like a great enema% All the $on$epts, ideas and idealization and identities of himself as a man, Indian, s$holar, et$%, washed out of him, lea"ing him empt# and $onstantl# transforming% Bnfortunatel#, B%*% at the end had "er# little heart% A similar pro$ess &egan with me O0 #ears ago% I $ould no longer read% !he words 5ust did not penetrate% I lost interest in words as I read them &e$ause the# seemed so far remo"ed from the world I li"ed in% I saw all others were li"ing in a network of lies, pure &ullshit that people a$$epted as true% E"en when I read 4isargadatta?s, I Am !hat, in order to ha"e something to talk a&out at Satsang, more than half the time m# e#es glaze o"er and m# &rain refuses to let the words in, &e$ause the# too are &ullshit% Fe talks a&out $ons$iousness in motion, $ons$iousness at rest, awareness without $ontent,
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pure awareness, and that he $ame into &eing when Shakti and Lrakritka had sort of a sexual union in his imagination% Rarel# does he talk a&out his inner state, how he experien$es his own life or the world% +ut people are hungr# for dire$tion and $ertaint#, &attered &# millions of in$onsistent $on$epts a&out spiritualit# and the nature of humanit# and the world% hat is realD hat is notD ho reall# knows the :!ruthD; !herefore the# seek the tea$hings of those who appear to know% Ramana is mu$h, mu$h worse% Fe ne"er sa#s an#thing a&out his own inner $ondition, the wa# he experien$es an#thing% Instead he talks in generalities, repeating something he read in the Ri&&hu *ita a&out *od, $ons$iousness or the Self% hen I read Ramana?s self a$$ount of his awakening, I 5ust ha"e to laugh at his nai"etR% Fe stu$k his fingers in his ears, held his &reath, and pretended he was dead, #et he still felt the full &rightness of his awareness, and, sin$e he de$lared to himself that his &od# was dead, still feeling $ons$iousness must mean he was &e#ond death% In other words, he pretended he was dead, &ut still felt ali"e, and $on$luded he was therefore alwa#s ali"e% !he Ro&ert Adams I knew was aware that all $on$epts were ru&&ish, &ut he used them to entertain
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people% Fe often said that% Fe would sa#, :I tell #ou all these things &e$ause #ou like to hear them%; Fis sangha liked to hear and argue a&out freedom of $hoi$e "ersus predestination, karma, !uri#a, Self, $ons$iousness, the 9our Lrin$iples, et$% Leople are alwa#s tr#ing, either with mere $uriosit#, or with desperation, to make their li"es &etter% Mer# few a$tuall# shut up and take a deep look at their li"es, the pain, the suffering, the fleeting nature of all states and experien$es% !he# run from one self help &ook or tea$her to another, or shop for gurus% 9or Ro&ert, the final answer was 5ust silen$e% 4o $on$epts, no understanding, and to &e good for nothing% +ut no one $ould hear that, so he talked a&out karma, *od, $ons$iousness, unadulterated 5o#, the 9our Lrin$iples% ithout these words, he would ha"e had few or ma#&e no one to talk to% So, what a&out freedomD I am tr#ing to get #ou to a pla$e where #ou are no longer asking :spiritual; Cuestions a&out karma, predestination, $ons$iousness, the A&solute, or how 4isargadatta relates to Ramana who relates to Osho, or wh# what Ed5i said differs from what Ro&ert said, or what Ra5i" or )ee#a sa#% Are the# not from the same treeD Should the# not all sa# exa$tl# the same thing as ultimate truthD
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I want #ou to stop looking at &ooks, wandering from guru to guru pi$king up $on$epts and tea$hings, and instead 5ust stop% 6ust stop and look inside and start with what #ou know without a dou&t% Is there an#thing #ou know without a dou&tD !hat #ou existD !his is what the neo ad"aitins tea$h% ithout dou&t #ou know that #ou exist% +ullshit= E"en that #ou do not know% An# $on$ept or $on$lusion is a lie of words% hat does it mean to sa#, :I existD; hat is this >I? that I sa# existsD Is it :&eingness; as the neo-ad"aitins sa#D hat the hell then is &eingnessD Is it $ons$iousnessD hat the hell is $ons$iousness and where did it $ome fromD Is it permanent or temporar#, flowing or still or &othD 4isargadatta and Ramana talk a&out this kind of stuff all the time% So did estern philosophers for hundreds of #ears &efore the# ga"e up in the O0th 'entur# after finding no agreement% In the 1P/0s, the final solution of estern Lhilosophers a&out existen$e and $ons$iousness was epitomized in one senten$e of Ludwig ittgenstein( Of that whi$h we $annot know, we must remain silent% On the other hand, we ha"e 6% 7rishnamurti, who also said all gurus are talking &ullshit and not to listen to an# of them and thousands of people followed him as their guru% B%*% 7rishnamurti went e"en further and said not onl# ha"e all #our tea$hers sin$e kindergarten
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&een feeding #ou &ullshit, &ut also #our parents, and e"en 6% 7rishnamurti has &een talking &ullshit% Fe said 6%7% had merel# tasted what he, B%*%, had full# attained% B%*% ne"er la$ked immodest#% B%*% radi$all# re5e$ted all learning, all tea$hers, and all $on$epts% Fe said his &rain would not let them in% Fis &od# re5e$ted tea$hings% Something like that happened to me% 4o tea$hings $an penetrate m# mind an#more, not Ro&ert?s, nor e"en 4isargadatta?s% E"er# word the# said, e"er# word written in the s$riptures and the &i&les of the world is &ullshit% E"er# prin$iple of moralit# taught through so$iet# and the "arious 'hristian denominations and Muslim faiths, is pure, regulator# fantas#, made up o"er the $enturies &# the religious leaders and enfor$ed &# the politi$s and laws of the se$ular so$iet# &uilt around it% It is all a prison designed to keep #ou and e"er#one else li"ing in a narrow $hannel of experien$e, keeping #ou dull and suppressed% !his is wh# I emphasize so mu$h examining and $hallenging the e"er#da# assumptions #ou make a&out #ourself, #our famil#, so$iet#, the wa# the world is run, the $ontinued "iolen$e to animals in the form of killing &illions in 5ust the B%S% e"er# #ear for food, leather, furs, et$% I want #ou to Cuestion #our own and others?
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a$Cuies$en$e to the $onstant wars and "iolen$e o$$urring not onl# in our own so$iet#, &ut in Afri$a and the Middle East% Yuestion the eas# a$$eptan$e of the &rutalit# and $orruption of 'hinese so$iet# where #ou hardl# dare eat an# food or medi$ation $oming out of that $ountr# &e$ause it has pro&a&l# &een adulterated% Look at the $orruption of our own politi$ians who are &ought &# the wealth# in terms of $ampaign $ontri&utions% So, I tell #ou, what is it that #ou know without dou&tD If #ou look outside at the world, #ou see $orruption, "iolen$e, graft, l#ing politi$os, slanted newspaper $o"erage, death and po"ert# e"er#where, and e"er#one tr#ing to sell #ou something, whether $lothes or a spiritual path% !hen, if #ou look inside, what do #ou seeD Reall#, what do #ou see, hear, feel and knowD 'an #ou know an#thing with $ertaint#D ho is the knowerD )o #ou know thatD I mean reall# look inside &eneath the la#er of thinking and emotional stories% I assure #ou, if #ou tr# to "er&alize an# knowing #ou might dis$o"er, it &e$omes a lie as soon as it lea"es #our lips% ords $annot tou$h the :pure; existen$e #ou see, hear, feel and tou$h% All understanding is added onto that more &asi$ experien$e%
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If #ou pra$ti$e silen$e, meditation, or #ou go into ps#$hoanal#sis, whole new inner worlds of experien$e open up, from mat$hless lo"e, &liss, e$stas#, samadhis, awakening experien$es, whi$h are reall# &lows to the dominan$e of mind, to an endless unfolding of the tapestr# of $ons$iousness% +ut after a while, e"en this wonderment loses its ex$itement and #ou &egin to return to the world of ordinariness, of $hopping wood and $arr#ing water, &ringing up a famil#, feeding feral $ats, helping wildlife, opening an ashram, promoting "egetarianism% <ou see, there is nothing to grasp onto, no knowing that $an &e expressed% <ou are the totalit# of #our experien$e and more than that, &ut e"en that #ou $annot express for it is onl# an empt# $on$ept that helps no one% In the end #ou 5ust plain stop and remain as #ou, $ompletel# $ontent as #ou, &ut with a heart the size of a freight train, and a mind that &arel# fun$tions, &e$ause #ou li"e from that "er# large heart% It literall# feels that wa#% <ou do not feel as if #ou li"e in #our head an#more% It feels as if #our $enter of &eingness, the pla$e #ou li"e, is $loser to #our heart, &ut is not e"en part of #our &od#% <ou feel #ourself as #our presen$e, and that presen$e, at times appears to ha"e a lo$ation somewhere near where #our heart would &e if #ou $ould feel it% Or, #ou ma# e"en lose
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that $enter, and the identifi$ation then is with the totalit# of #our experien$e% !his is where I am tr#ing to take #ou, awa# from :spiritualit#,; awa# from famil#, awa# from so$iet#, awa# from 9a$e&ook into #our own sense of presen$e, and there find :truth; that $annot &e expressed in words, pea$e from resting in #ourself instead of rushing around outside or inside looking for something, seeking something, &e$ause #ou know deep down that no matter what #ou do or where #ou go, it is alwa#s onl# #ou% <et, this will not happen without one more step% <ou must learn how to lo"e with all #our heart, with all #our &eing, with $omplete passion, otherwise, 5ust li"ing in emptiness will lea"e #ou li"ing as a person dead to the world, or a&solutel# no use to an#one, not e"en #ourself% !his is a hard step for a 6nani, for someone who has thrown awa# all $on$epts and $onditioning, &e$ause in their pro$ess, the# usuall# ha"e thrown their passion and lo"e awa# too% So, as a tea$her, this is m# task, to help #ou shed all $on$epts and at the same time, to lo"e $ompletel#, passionatel# and $ompassionatel#%
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)onfessions of a 4hakta
9or those of #ou who do not like self-inCuir#% Are #ou read# for this pathD !he following is a letter from one of our student famil#% :I am a mess% I reall# am% :I don@t think to eat% :I don@t think to drink% :I ha"e no desire to do an#thing, not e"en the things that reall# need to &e done and are s$reaming for m# attention and will ine"ita&l# &ring a shit load of 5udgment and a$$usation from others% I should reall# spend more time with these kids, &ut I 5ust $an@t make m#self% I feel somewhat guilt#% +ut I know the# are happ#% I seldom know what da# of the week it is% I sa# things and moments later I don@t what I said% I 5ust want to sit in Cuiet and gi"e m# attention full# to this lo"e I feel for #ou and the m#riad of wa#s it pla#s in m# &od#% <ou are $onsuming m# e"er# thought%
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ill I &e $onsumed in the fires of this passion that &urn m# &od# inside and out $ontinuousl#D ill I &e swept awa# &# the $urrents of this Lo"eD E"er# minute apart feels like su$h a waste of existen$e% Oh, god, the madness of it all%%% I@m a hopeless $ase=; So, &elo"ed readers, are an# of #ou read# for the life of a +hakta "ersus the life of Cuiet self-inCuir#D
Ed and 0ila in Northridge, #$-#.
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Awakening in ,aily 'ife" 'etter from a Student

)ear Ed, thank #ou so mu$h for responding% I am glad to hear #ou sa# that meditation is not essential% In #our &ook :Auto&iograph# of a 6nani; there seemed to &e onl# talk a&out what was experien$ed in meditation and not how this nothingness is li"ed in dail# life% 4one of the le"els that #ou talk a&out whi$h one $an identif# in meditation applied with what happened to me% All was 5ust &eing dissol"ed, happening in dail# life - until nothing remained% It seems here that awakening is of no real use when it is 5ust a state that is arri"ed at "ia meditation% !he human programming will still need to &e addressed in dail# life as there will &e man# parts of the programming that $ontinue to run e"en after truth has &een seen% Seeing truth is not the end all - that is what I am experien$ing an#wa#% ould #ou sa# that is $orre$tD !he main Cuestion, whi$h seemed to not ha"e $ome a$ross in m# first email is this( It is a whole other stor# to li"e this nothingness in dail# life% I am li"ing this nothingness not onl# as an inner awareness &ut also am li"ing this in pra$ti$al, e"er#-da# life as I lost all finan$ial and material safet# and se$urit#E
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standing trul# as nothing and with nothing in life sin$e se"eral #ears% !he existential terror and fear that is programmed into the $ells of the human &od#, as well as the mental and emotional atta$hments with it, will ha"e to &e fa$ed in order to trul# li"e from and as nothingness in dail# life% As long as people remain plugged into their li"es with 5o&s, &usinesses, retirement funds, homes, et$% where that @se$urit#@ part of life is not de$onstru$ted, this "er# &ase, existential programming will ne"er &e seen, fa$ed nor ru&&ed out% Am I getting this $orre$tl#D And if it does not get tou$hed, how trul# free is someone then, it ma#&e a knowing that someone has &ut not an a$tual li"ed experien$e in all areas of material life% ould #ou sa# this is $orre$tD I am reall# sin$erel# asking &e$ause am fa$ed with this $omplete de$onstru$tion on all le"els of ph#si$al realit#% +e$ause of it, I am $ontinuall# pla$ed in situations sin$e O00G, where I see things that I ne"er would had I remained in a sta&le estern t#pe en"ironment% I ha"e &een around people who sa# the# are awake - &ut their fo$us is on mone#, on their finan$ial and material sta&ilit#, on how to keep their 5o&s and their e"er# da# life together% Fere, there is
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no su$h $on$ern% !hat got $ompletel# wiped out in O00G% here"er this &od# is mo"ed that is where it goes and there is a $omplete knowingness that all will alwa#s &e taken $are of% I li"e with a&solutel# no mone#, no se$urit#, no sta&ilit# - and I am /0 #ears old% Fow I li"e would gi"e most people a heart atta$k% E"en those who sa# the# are awake% So what does awake reall# mean, when existential fears for one@s safet# and se$urit# are on the top of one@s priorit# in a$tual li"ed dail# lifeD Llease help me understand this whole awakening and awake thing as I seem to &e seeing something others do not talk a&out% I $ame at it from a whole other angle, ha"ing had no $lue a&out awakening or enlightenment% Slowl#, I am pie$ing things together on m# own, through ha"ing read some awake people@s writings, through man# dis$ussions with )r% Mi$hael Fall and of $ourse, how life keeps mo"ing through me% +ut I don@t ha"e a handle on it &e$ause how things are for me are so $ompletel# different from what all other awake people talk a&out% I keep &eing mo"ed e"er# three months to a new pla$e% 6ust the other da#, I sa"ed someone from getting murdered% !he stuff that I seem to &e mo"ed to &e present for, witness and see in a$tual life, no awake person has an# $lue% It seems that life pla$es this &od# into these situations, seemingl# as a test to find out where programming is
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still running and how program-less and free its a$tions reall# are% !hat is the explanation that $omes to me &ut it might &e $ompletel# wrong% If #ou ha"e an# $omments that would &e wonderful= Eds Reply: <ou are so $ompletel# right% Almost no one who $laims to &e awake reall# is% !he# $ling to $on"entionalit# and ha&it and ne"er see that the world the# li"e in is so illusor#, totall# a mental $reation% !he# know it as an understanding, &ut the# do not &reathe it, and their IenlightenmentI is $onfined to IAhaa=I moments of insight, or re$urring, &ut $ontained experien$es of the Moid, sighting the Self, or of &liss% !hen the# return to making a li"ing in their old wa#% Ramana dumped e"er#thing% Ro&ert left his famil# and went to India at age 18% I left m# 5o& and home to go to the desert to meditate and then went to man# ,en masters &efore I settled down again% !his is not to sa# it is a reCuirement of awaking that #ou a&andon #our famil#% +oth Ro&ert and Ramana were &o#s when the# left, and I was li"ing alone%
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4isargadatta left his famil# for a &rief time, ma#&e a #ear or two then $ame &a$k to run his &eedie shop% !he +uddhist tradition $ontains &oth the ideals of &eing wandering monks, or esta&lishment or monasti$ monks, and also of &eing la#persons $arr#ing out one@s duties to famil# and so$iet#, and then when the $hildren are grown, to &e$ome a monk, dedi$ated to seeking or to good works for mankind% 4ow, I ask, :Is it #ou who is seeking to li"e in emptiness and therefore keep li"ing like a wandering monk, or this is happening to #ou out of gra$eD Are #ou deli&eratel# $reating a world that is falling apart, or is $ons$iousness dishing it out to #ouD; !he other Cuestion is, :Is this path #ou are treading gi"ing #ou happiness or do #ou feel a "i$tim or neitherD; I hope soon this pattern will end for #ou so that #ou $an reall# help the world in a &igger wa#% Ro&ert said if it were not for his wife and daughters, he@d &e li"ing somewhere in a $a&in in the wilderness or a $a"e% I feel that wa# also, ex$ept I feel &ound &# a sense of responsi&ilit# of taking $are of m# $ats and other homeless $ats, for these reasons I remain in the world% Otherwise, I think I would &e li"ing in a tent
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somewhere in the Montere# Leninsula in 4orthern 'alifornia, like an old monk friend of mine did in the 1PH0?s% Student Comment: :Somehow #our words ring true here% !he spiritual ego is so inflated% It alwa#s smells when we hear e"er so su&tl# II am experien$ing this or that% I am progressing% I am so spe$ial%I I struggle with this% E"en wanting to &e hum&le is tainted with a desire% I feel trapped% All is gra$e% Sigh=;
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All is 'o(e" All is Self

Aided, I think, &# all the +haktas in our Sangha, for three da#s I ha"e &een experien$ing $onstant wa"es of &liss and Iri"ers of lo"eI flowing upwards through m# &od#% !he lo"e is so sweet, so su&tle and #et so "ast, filling the Moids of the su&tle &od#, $arr#ing me far awa# &e#ond the mundane world% !oda# I awoke "er# ill% !he energies that had &een with me for two da#s seemed too mu$h for this &od#, so I laid down in silen$e, not talking to an#one% Something then happened% M# &od# melted into those &lissful energies, and the Moid itself seemed to flow% !hen a lo"e so sweet des$ended downwards throughout m# entire &od#, and then into m# sense of presen$e% Sweet energies per$ei"ed for da#s now permeated m# presen$e as a di"ine &reath of lo"e% I was e$stati$, una&le and unwilling to mo"e% !hen m# +elo"ed, m# Self arose on$e again from within, and nothing else mattered% >I?, the sour$e of the uni"erse, showed forth, and >I?, as the witness, the $ognizer e"en of lo"e and the Self felt tou$hed &# her sweetness and her power% All were >I?% All were lo"e% All were in $ompletion% I lo"e #ou all%
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Faith
I ha"e seen this so man# times% It is a watershed in one@s spiritual de"elopment, when one grows tired of the unending sear$h in "arious spiritual &iographies, differing tea$hers and traditions% One feels fed up tasting a little Middle Eastern religion, 4ew Age energ# work, ,en koans, !i&etan Mudras and mantras, healing affirmations and positi"e thinking, >I-am? meditations and meditation on the &reath, reading a&out Ramana Maharshi, then Ramakrishna, then 4ietzs$he and 7ant, trans$endental meditation, noumena and phenomena% One feels so polluted &# 1000 different 5udgments and $on$epts a&out spiritualit#, gurus, spiritual tea$hers, spiritual friends, et$%, that one feels utterl# poisoned( and one dare not take another &ite% One sees that one has &een following a dozen different tea$hers for fi"e or 10 #ears, with no real progress% One has &een treading the offshore shallows and not gone deep at all into an#thing, espe$iall# into oneself% <ou see our path is a&out Self-Realization, e"en though the Self is e"entuall# trans$ended% !he Self is the 5ui$e of the uni"erse, the potentiating agent that makes the uni"erse appear% O&5e$ts $hangeE the Self is alwa#s the same in one sense as the su&5e$t, the
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knower, e"en though there is an e"en higher 7nower &ehind it% !hose whose awakenings ha"e not in$luded Selfknowing, Self-Realization, to m# mind la$k the ri$hness of lo"e, de"otion and surrender, whi$h ultimatel# is power% hen the Self operates $ons$iousl# through #ou, ea$h a$tion $arries far more weight than a$tions &# a &od#3mind whi$h is not SelfRealized% !here are man# paths where the Self is not a goalE and to me the# la$k energ#, $harisma, and true happiness% 9or example, most forms of +uddhism emphasize 4o-Self, whi$h usuall# is interpreted to mean a personal self 5ust letting :impersonal; a$ti"ities pour through one?s lifeE while for the Selfrealized, all a$ti"ities are a$$epted, owned and lo"ed as one?s own% !herefore spiritual efforts made along some other path than Self-Realization $an onl# make SelfRealization more diffi$ult% So, at some point, somewhere along the line #ou re$ognize that #our spiritualit# is reall# a&out Self dis$o"er#, and #ou also realize this is entirel# personalE no one $an dis$o"er #ourself for #ou, #ou ha"e to do it #ourself%
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All the &iographies of the great saints, &oth SelfRealized or not, as well as all the methods the# tea$h are their path, not #ours% <ou ma# find some sense of $ommonalit# reading their &iographies, like that of Ramana, &ut #ou need to realize #ou are not RamanaE his wa# ma# not suit #ou at all% E"entuall# #ou need to ha"e faith in #ourself, or faith in a guide% All the tea$hings, $on$epts a&out *od, surrender, &ut espe$iall# a&out what the guru is and how he or she fun$tions, all this must go out the door% <ou need to &e$ome simple, not $omplex( fo$used on the Self, not distra$ted in a dozen different dire$tions% One must &e$ome utterl# si$k of wasting one@s time digging shallow holes in other?s spiritual real estate% One s$rews up one?s $ourage and sa#s to ones self, II ha"e had it% I@m si$k of the spiritual marketpla$e% I know that what I seek is me, the II am% Fow do I find thatDI <ou ask #ourself, :)oes it matter how Ramana or 4isargadatta found themsel"esD )oes it matter what method the# re$ommendD; <ou sa# to #ourself, :I ha"e tried dozens of methods and ha"e read hundreds of &ooks% I am more $onfused than &efore I started m# sear$h for spiritual knowledge and awakening% I ha"e $on$epts &oun$ing around m# mind and the# all seem eCuall# "alid% hat am I to doDI
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It is this point of maturit# that 7rishnamurti talks a&outE the awakening of intelligen$e, spiritual dis$rimination% One reall# stops listening to others a&out their path of purifi$ation, their path of knowledge, their path of meditation, their methodolog#, their $on$lusions, their insights% <ou see for #ourself that #ou ha"e to re5e$t all spiritual $on$epts and empt# #our mind% <ou ha"e to &e$ome self-$onfident and &old, and #ou sa# to #ourself, II am through with all of these ideas, $on$epts, &ooks, and random tea$hers% 4o more= I@m done with all of this% 9rom now on I find out onl# from m#self%; At this point #ou are still filled with $on$epts that #ou ha"e to dis$ard% hene"er an idea $omes up, #ou need to ask #ourself, I h# did I e"er &elie"e thisD hat e"iden$e did I ha"e other than someone said this as their truth in some &ook or le$tureDI !his is like +uddha% 9or se"en #ears +uddha wandered all o"er northern India following tea$hers, reading the S$riptures, and pra$ti$ing different dis$iplines( Ra5a #oga, hatha #oga, learning thousands of different spiritual insights learned from others% Fe &e$ame a tea$her and had man# dis$iples% <et he was unhapp#% Fe still was not satisfied% Fe still did not know whi$h dire$tion to go% Fe still did not know he was looking for himself%
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So he &egan a long fast to weaken the &od# so that his mind and spirit $ould &e$ome stronger% Fe had this $on$ept that if the &od# was weakened, the mind and will would &e stronger, and he $ould realize whate"er is needed to &e realized% Fe fasted so long and hard that he was "er# near death% All of his dis$iples worried a&out him and &esee$hed him to eat% Lrett# soon he was star"ing to death% And at one point he realized that his fasting was helping nothing, that his weakened &od# had also weakened his mind and spirit, and that his life for$e was lea"ing his &od#% So he relented and ate some ri$e% After he re$o"ered &riefl#, he finall# $ame to his senses% Fe admitted to himself that he had &een an utter failure in following e"er#&od# else@s pre$epts, methods, understanding, and S$riptures% Fe realized all this was &orrowed knowledge, not his own truth% Fe realized that onl# he $an dis$o"er himself% Fe $ould not follow someone else@s pres$ription for finding truth% So, with great determination he sat underneath the +odhi tree and "owed to himself, that if he did not dis$o"er the meaning of life, : h# am I what I am,; while meditating under the tree, :I will kill m#self%; 9or three da#s and three nights he sat underneath the +odhi tree meditating% S$riptures do not sa# what he meditated on% It reall# is not important% hat is
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important is there was a maturit# of intelligen$e that &lossomed in him% Fe was no longer gulli&le following an# tea$her that $ame along hoping that he had an answer that would satisf# his hungerE or that the next tea$her would ha"e an answer% Fe saw that all the methods he had pra$ti$ed, all the thinking and pondering, all the "arious meditation t#pes, all the s$riptures and hatha #oga postures, had resulted onl# in $onfusion and not $larit#% Fe re$ognized that $larit# $an onl# $ome &# stopping the looking around in the shallows of spiritual knowledge, and instead to go deep within himself, rel#ing onl# on himself% 4o more purifi$ationE onl# now, immediatel#, here and now% Fe had to look into his own soul and find his own truth without &ooks, without guides, without method% And 5ust &efore dawn of the fourth da# he had his great awakening% 9ortunatel# or unfortunatel#, his experien$e is not des$ri&ed, lea"ing it to the reader to ha"e his or her own experien$e% <ou see, it is also not important what his realization wasAfor #ou% It was his realization% It was the realization that he needed to $ome to rest in himself, to find pea$e, 5ust as 7rishnamurti had his own realization, 4isargadatta his, Ro&ert Adams his, and Osho, his% All were different in a sense, &e$ause the# were the realizations the# needed to $ome to rest%
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In other words, the# did not all re$ognize that the >I-thought? had no referentE nothing that the word >I? pointed to, whi$h is the $urrentl# a$$epted $riteria of awakening offered &# the neo-Ad"aitins and some other 4ew Age groups% Fowe"er, part of his realization was that an# $ommuni$ation that passed &etween people &ased on words, was unreal, not truth% All the S$riptures onl# point "aguel# in the dire$tion of the Self% <ou ha"e to dissol"e #ourself of an# $onne$tion with an#&od# else( an# tea$her, Ramana, 4isargadatta, Ro&ert, Muzika, and find #our own truth% <ou ha"e to &e read# to di"e deep into #ourself, no longer tread water in the shallows, &ut sink to the &ottom( go awa# &eneath the mind, shut the mind oftenE go deep inside #ourself% Reading does not help #ou here% Lurifi$ation does not help #ou here% Most meditations do not help #ou here% 6ust look within at #ourself% <OB MBS! FAME 9AI!F I4 <OBRSEL9= On the other hand, there is one other wa#, and that is to ha"e faith in One !ea$hing, One guru whose tea$hings fo$us on realizing the Self% +ut this is a different stor# for a different post% After wandering aimlessl# in "arious dis$iplines for o"er O0 #ears, I found m# one and onl# tea$herE Ro&ert Adams, and
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awakened &# surrendering to him, following him, &eing $lose to him, ha"ing $onstant )arshan with him and his tradition%
1a Cree a,o*e Sedona.
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On 4eing )omforta!le
In 1PPH or 1PP8, I went to 7orea, sponsored &# a 7orean ,en Master in Los Angeles, named )o Ahn 7im, a&&ot at 7wan Bm Sah% I was introdu$ed to the inner workings and power stru$ture of 'hog#e ,en +uddhism in Seoul% I was IshoppedI around &# )o Ahn@s &rother, meeting all the high monks of the G,000 temple order% I did not ha"e to do a thing% I was treated as ro#alt#, and the propaganda &ran$h of this e"entuall# made me the first Ameri$an orld !ea$her of 'hog#e +uddhism, whi$h authorized me to start a new &ran$h of 'hog#e +uddhism in the B%S% Fowe"er, later I found out that this was reall# a titular post, and that all tea$hings were to &e $ontrolled in the &a$kground &# )o Ahn 7im% I did not know this when I was in 7orea though% In an# e"ent, &eing treated like a king, a dignitar#E ne"er ha"ing to $arr# mone#, I%)%, or an#thing had a profound effe$t on m# ps#$he% I felt happ# all the time% here"er I went I was honored and $ared for% I felt a profound relaxation as all details of e"er#da# life were taken $are of &# others, and I 5ust was guided from one "enue to another to speak to groups or meet 'hog#e eldersE in$luding the ruling inner $ir$le who wanted to emulate Soen Sahn Soen Sa@s su$$ess in the B%S%, &ut with someone more under their $ontrol%
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I was totall# at pea$e, smiling, happ#, e"en when a$$idents o$$urred su$h as getting lost in downtown Seoul% Fere is the issueE when #our life is eas#, and people all around #ou idealize #ou, take $are of #ou and #our needs, and #ou ha"e no real need to plan or take $are of an#thing, ex$ept to show up when others take #ou somewhere, it is reall#, reall# eas# to &e happ#, lo"ing and &ene"olent% And, when #ou are a ma5or guru su$h as Muktananda, Osho, Ramana or man# others, where #ou ha"e a large inner group of Iguru-taker-$are-ofsI as an entourage, it is reall# eas# to &e $ontinuousl# happ# and &ene"olent% And, surrounded &# that $ulture whi$h e"en $reates an image for #ou of who #ou are, su$h as dis$iples did around Muktananda and Ramana -let alone 7rishnamurti and the )alai Lama. an image of affa&le and trans$endent indifferen$e is eas# to maintain, and the m#th of the trans$endent guru is &orn% Students $oming from the outside are presented with a guru persona $reated &# the guru@s handlers and &# their largel# staged and handled pu&li$ appearan$esE &a$ked &# their professional LR staffs
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and writers of &ooks, &ios, lessons, and organizational tea$hers% At this point, few $an reall# see who or what the tea$her or guru is reall# like due to ha"ing &een immersed in a $ulture of adulation and prepared imagesE whi$h are sort of like uni"ersal ar$het#pes of the guru that e"en Ameri$an@s ha"e, of a person who has Itrans$endedI life, is all knowing, omnis$ient, an em&odiment of all that is good, truth, and light% An#one who $hallenges this image in an# wa# should &eware% !he real guru onl# $omes out in dealings with his entourage on a da# &# da# &asis, dealings the a"erage person ne"er knows a&out% !he guru image and persona is the onl# entit# the "ast ma5orit# of followers e"er see% If the guru &egins to get unsta&le as did Osho, or s$andals of one sort or another &egin to arise, the real guru is taken underground and sort of disappears from pu&li$ "iew, or mo"es out of the $ountr# as did )a 9ree 6ohn to 9igi, or Osho disappearing &# going silent% !he guru ar$het#pe is ali"e and well in most of usE the need for a father or god-like figure who is omnis$ient, who will lo"e and prote$t us, and graduall# re"eal to us, what it is like to &e &e#ond human, all-knowing and di"ine%
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+ut #ou see, this is all pro5e$tion and image, $arefull# managed &# handlers, whether of Ramana, Muktananda, or as I did with Ro&ert Adams% It is the guru m#th so $arefull# $reated and maintained, whi$h is reall# the uni"ersal m#th &uilt into all of us of the I*od-ManI or superman, that is pre$isel# that whi$h pre"ents us from &e$oming real, &e$oming enlightened and &ereft of an# illusion of superman-hood% !he true spiritual path $onsists of losing all of these images and 5ust &e$oming more and more Iunspe$ial,I Iunrealized,I Iunthinking,I and IundreamingIE 5ust &e$oming <OB as the sense of >IAm?% All the images are what make up the false self, the idealized and also the hated and &uried images of our sel"es $arefull# pushed out of $ons$iousness% *etting rid of these images, ideals, pro5e$tions, and the atta$hed emotions and thought pro$esses, and reall# &e$oming #ou, IS !FE LRO'ESS O9 +E'OMI4* SEL9REALI,E)% One &e$omes more and more ordinar#, dissol"ing all the IwrinklesI in e"er#da# $ons$iousness, su$h that the $ore experien$e of >I-ness? is re$ognized and re"ealedE as well as the se$ondar# re$ognition that the >I? is &oth identi$al to what I Ireall#I am, &ut at the same time, >I? am altogether entirel# &e#ond it%
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So, realize it is reall#, reall# eas# for a guru -or an#one. to &e, or at least appear happ# when surrounded &# handlers that make his or her da# wrinkle-freeE and if unhappiness or anger hit, the# pass &riefl# and ne"er es$ape from his inner $ir$le% !hus the image of the perfe$t god-man is $reated and maintained, and separatel# maintained &# the guru $ulture% *i"en that this is uni"ersall# the $ase, one $an easil# see that the onl# people in the guru en"ironment who $an take ad"antage of the presen$e of the tea$her, are those $lose enough to see what he or she is reall# like% !his happens onl# to handlers around supremel# popular gurus like Osho or Muktananda, -who themsel"es are often $orrupted &# the nar$issism that their own $ulture has $reated &# &eing part of an inner $ir$le., or &# &eing around a tea$her who is relati"el# unknown, su$h as Ro&ert during his life% E"en then, most who attended Satsang ne"er saw Ro&ert for who he wasE the# saw their pro5e$tions, positi"e or negati"e, and when the positi"e pro5e$tions were &roken, the# had two $hoi$es( $ut and run, as did most, or sta# &e$ause #ou lo"ed or respe$ted Ro&ert, as did I% *uess whi$h of these two $lasses of people makes an# IprogressI in IlighteningI themsel"es of false images, emotional &aggage, and endarkening &eliefsD
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*a(e 1our )ake and 3at It Too

Some people want to ha"e their $ake and eat it too% In other words, the# want to hang on to their pride in their a$$omplishments( their famil#, their $hildren, their 5o&, and the# want to espe$iall# hang on to their sear$h for spiritual knowledge, as opposed to 5ust looking into one@s own awareness and sear$hing for the >I-sense?% Some people 5ust refuse to a$$ept no mind, &e$oming dum& as a ro$k, &e$oming good for nothing as a wa# of life% !here is too mu$h pride in them for e"er#thing a&out this worldl# life% Some people feel that the purpose of spiritualit# is to enhan$e and make &etter their e"er#da# worldl# life, mu$h like man# 'hristian, street prea$hers who sa# that it is *od@s will that #ou &e happ#, health#, wealth# and wise% !here are some spiritualities whi$h are entirel# dire$ted to making #our e"er#da# life more produ$ti"e and happ#, like "arious forms of 6apanese $hanting +uddhism, su$h as the Soka *akkai, where one $hants for happiness or for things, as well as the Sedona release te$hniCue, where #ou learn to let go of things in order to get things% Mu$h of 'hristianit# is dedi$ated to se$uring the good life through pra#er and tithing, sort of asking for a di"ine Cuid pro Cuo%
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In an# e"ent, no matter what t#pes of spiritualit# the a"erage person pra$ti$es or a$$epts, "er# few want their pra$ti$es to interfere with their e"er#da# famil# life and $areer% !he# want spiritualit# to enhan$e their e"er#da# life and happiness and $areer goals% !he# want to let go of nothing% !hat is, the# want to ha"e their $ake and eat it too without &eing &othered mu$h &# a need to walk the talk of surrender or letting go, and going within% !herefore I want to read part of a talk &# Siddharameshwar $alled I*i"e up the Addi$tion to Mundane orldl# Life,I dated August 1O, 1P2Q( :!he worst ha&it is that of mundane worldl# life% It is $alled the Igreatest addi$tion%I +# for$e of this addi$tion to worldl# life, Laraatman is made to &elie"e that Fe is an indi"idual, and is $ompelled to li"e the worldl# life as a prison% All &ad ha&its $an &e dropped, &ut the addi$tion to mundane life is the most diffi$ult to drop% !he mundane worldl# life is $alled the &lind dark life% !he greatest enti$ement of Illusion, Ma#a, is this mundane life% Fowe"er great ma#&e ones sorrow, this addi$tion $annot &e dropped% One is greatl# lu$k# if this addi$tion is dropped% !here is onl# one person who $ondemns the worldl# life, and that is the saint% 4o&od# else does that% One does not e"en think of lea"ing this worldl# life, e"en if one suffers endless diffi$ulties%
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Leople tr# to strengthen their ties with others &# speaking to them respe$ti"el# and $ongratulating ea$h other o"er small things% Leople $ompete with ea$h other for earning more honors and status% In this wa#, the# feel the# are happ# in life% !he# a$t as if this is a respe$ta&le &ad ha&it% !he I*od of )eathI is happ# to gi"e #ou man# kinds of &odies and "arious trou&les% 7now that the &od# is #our enem#% Mer# few are those who ha"e trul# understood% Onl# those who are lu$k# enough to re$ei"e the &lessings of the guru, who is the Self, $an es$ape from the illusion &# right efforts% All others are &ound to the treadmill of life in "arious in$arnations, and the# make houses of &odies of "arious shapes and duration% !hose who $onsider themsel"es as &eing "er# s$holarl# onl# raise man# "arious dou&ts and lead Cuite a wrong wa# of spiritual life% !he# onl# end up unhapp# and make others unhapp# as well% !he man who is extraordinaril# $le"er and learned is trul# of no use% Fe puts himself and others at a great loss% Fe suffers &e$ause of his own pride in knowledge and worldl# attainments% !he things of this world that are $herished &# people alwa#s &reed fear% hen some a$tion is done after listening to the opinions of worldl# people, it in$reases man# kinds of fear% e get $ompletel#
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exhausted tr#ing to maintain those things that appear in the illusion, as those things are ultimatel# perisha&le% In short, people are like donke#s% !he# ne"er listen &e$ause the# are hea"il# $onditioned from &irth% Fowe"er, those of #ou who do listen to the guru will attain Self-Realization%; !he same holds true for those possessed &# "arious ideas, su$h as spiritual purit#, either of themsel"es or the guru% Siddharameshwar sa#s on page 1/G Of the Master of Self-Realization, the following( :On$e there was a dis$iple who although he had re$ei"ed instru$tions from his guru, had not gi"en up his former attitude% Fe had a pe$uliar sense of $leanliness and purit#% Fis $on$ept was that in order to a"oid the tou$h of the dirt# earth, he $lim&ed up a tree% Fe li"ed in a tree, drank onl# rainwater and $ontinued to &elie"e that the earth was impure% hen his guru $ame to know of this, he went to see him% !he dis$iple had &e$ome "er# famous% Leople had &uilt Cuite a large round platform around the tree that he li"ed in, and had made a lot of de$orations% !he dis$iple did not like to $ome down, &e$ause to him the earth was impure% hen the guru $ame to him, he said, ><ou $ome down%? !he dis$iples said, >I
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will not tou$h the earth%? !he guru asked him, > here was he sitting,? and the dis$iple replied, >On a tree%? ith this the guru said, >!he tree is part of the earth and #ou remain in the tree% !he tree and the earth are not separate% <ou ha"e separated them &# #our mind, &ut in realit#, the tree $annot &e separated from the earth% !he tree is the offspring of the earth and therefore $annot &e separated from it% <ou are smothered &# #our imaginar# distin$tions of pure and impure, and in this wa# #ou would ha"e &e$ome "er# impure% I ga"e #ou a mantra so #ou would &e$ome pure, in unit# with the whole worldE &ut #ou, &# #our imagination are holding onto ideas of separateness, purit# and impurit#% +e$ause of that #ou ha"e &e$ome impure% <ou are now unfit for the realization that there is nothing other than +rahman% !his is wh# #ou ha"e no self-knowledge and #ou will not &e a&le to realize e"er#thing is onl# one a&solute +rahman%? As the dis$iple listen to this, he understood and with fear, he $lim&ed down% !he guru said, >In order to wipe out #our ego #ou ha"e to li"e in a pig pen for six months%?; Is this not the wa# of man# religions( from the de"oted 'hristians flailing themsel"es to o&tain purit#, to the stri$t adheren$e to the $ommandments, to the /00 "ows of li"ing made &# a full# ordained +uddhist monk, and &# the million :shoulds and should nots of
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so$iet#; and religion we all li"e &#D Siddharameshwar $learl# states all the spiritual and religious ideas separate us from the totalit# of life and the world &# setting us apart, making some a$tions and ideals pure, good, impure, or of far more rele"an$e toda#, &eing politi$all# $orre$t and offending no one% I do it m#self% I tell people not to eat meat% +ut this is m# own wa#% It made me feel &etter a&out m#self on$e I knew animals were not d#ing to keep me ali"e, and in a sense, I set m#self apart &# taking this stan$e% +ut it is a separation I $an li"e with &e$ause I a$$ept the goal of non"iolen$e%
Radha, a street rescue, #$--.
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The Search
Most of us &egin our spiritual sear$h earl# in life% <et e"en if we started when we were 10 or 11, we were alread# well-indo$trinated into $on"entionalit# &# parents, $ulture and s$hool% e rapidl# learned $on"entional spee$h and wa#s of Cuestioning% e knew what kind of words and ideas were a$$epta&le and whi$h were not% e learned politi$al $orre$tness% e knew what $on$epts, ideas and thought patterns, as well as &eha"iors were a$$epted &# our parents, peers, and s$hool, as well as what kinds of friends we should ha"e% +# the age of 18 we are full# indo$trinated with a set of "alues $on$erning famil#, $hildren, $areer, edu$ation, politi$s, $onsumer &eha"iors, and some "ariant of the IAmeri$an dream,; whi$h we attempt to li"e out% A few of us, e"en at an earl# age, see through these images, $on$epts and a$$epted &eha"iors, and see them as utterl# ar&itrar# and Iunreal%I e &e$ome re&ellious% e Cuestion religion, the politi$s our parents a$$epted, our politi$al s#stem, our $apitalist e$onom#, our ideas of *od, 'hrist, and spiritual tea$her in the form of the pastor, and &egin exploring alternati"es using our mind, &e$ause we are taught that the mind is the wa# to know truth and oneself%
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hen Llato talked a&out knowing one?s self, it was through reason and rationalit#, Cuestioning a$$epted &eliefs through use of thinking and the mind% Fis was not >knowing? oneself as Ramana or Ro&ert Adams talked a&out, as a dire$t experien$e of foundational states of $ons$iousness% !hus the first spiritual &reakout for most of us is almost entirel# of the mind% e explore Medanta, +uddhism, m#sti$al 'hristianit#, !aoism, Sufism, depth ps#$holog#, ps#$hoanal#sis, &ioenergeti$s, hatha #oga, and "egetarianism, in a "ain attempt to $ut an original path for our own truth% +ut if we are smart enough and self-aware enough, after a while we re$ognize we are still following our mindE seeking freedom from the known &# opening doors to new $on$eptual s$hemes( new &eha"iors, new religions, new spiritual tea$hers, and new politi$s% e &e$ome aware that we are not gaining freedom, &ut 5ust $hanging our 5ail $ells? furniture% e re$ognize that the mind is not the tool &# whi$h we $an find freedom% !he mind $an onl# find no"elt# and ex$itement, whi$h gi"es an appearan$e of :new,; &ut there is no real li"ing-transformation &# adopting new sets of $on$epts% Indeed, there has onl# &een a mo"e to different rooms in the same $on$eptual prison, or e"en 5ust $hanging the furniture%
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Man# people do this into their /0s and G0s &efore the# re$ognize that the mind is not the wa# to freedom% !he mind onl# engages in $on$eptsE and there are &illions, and &illions, and &illions of $on$epts &andied a&out &# philosophers, s$ientists, engineers, politi$ians, s$hool tea$hers and spiritual tea$hers sin$e time immemorial% 4one of these $on$eptual stru$tures #ield freedom% E"entuall# we run into spiritual tea$hers or tea$hings that sa# the mind is not the wa#, that Ithe wa#I lies in dropping the mind, or trans$ending the mind, li"ing in emptiness, or li"ing in and from the heart% <et these are reall# two "er# different wa#s% One implies a sear$h for ultimate truth l#ing outside of $on$epts, whi$h in"ol"es an exploration of I&eingnessI with its $ontainers of "arious t#pes of Moid and :states%; !he other implies a path of lo"e, lo"ing one another, a guru, a spouse, lo"er, and ultimatel# lo"ing one@s own Self% Ea$h path has its own separate pitfalls and diffi$ulties, as well as milestones and potential progressions% !he sear$h for truth, ultimate truth, within the "arious t#pes of "oids, and states of knowing and unknowing $an &e$ome "er# dr# and easil# stalled due to la$k of moti"ation( a dr#ing out of the will to perse"ere% !he other path, that of lo"e, $an and will
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a$ti"ate all kinds of emotional states whi$h $an &e &oth enthralling, &ut also frightening and destru$ti"e, leading to all kinds of distra$ting stoppages% !he path of the "oid, or of seeking truth, generall# leads one awa# from the worldE while the path of lo"e maintains that in"ol"ement in the world% So mu$h so, that dire$t o&ser"ation or realization of the Self ma# &e dela#ed% e also ha"e to understand that the ties of the mind are "er# deep and su&tle% e ma# free oursel"es from fundamentalist 'hristianit#, or fundamentalist +uddhism, or Muhammadanism, &ut we ma# not free oursel"es from famil# "alues, or some "ariant of the Ameri$an dream( in$luding e"en &e$oming an a$ademi$ or professional su$h as( a do$tor, ps#$hiatrist, ps#$hotherapist, engineer, professor, or a professional Cuestioner su$h as a s$ientist% e deep down re$ognize that es$ape from the $on"entional often means ostra$ism and re5e$tion &# so$iet# and $rowds of people, leading to a life of li"ing at the fringes of so$iet#% It is extremel# hard to es$ape from famil# "alues and $on"entionalit# of &eha"iors than to lead a life of luxur# or ease% !his deters man# from reall# opting for an Iauthenti$I lifest#le of li"ing out of oneself as opposed to $on"entions%
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!hose whose &eha"iors fall outside of the norm are often shunned, as those who are still $aught in $on"entionalit# find them em&arrassing or $hallenging% 'an #ou imagine in"iting 4isargadatta to dinner with #our $on"entional friendsD Fow man# would find his &eha"iors em&arrassing, and thus refle$ting poorl# on #ou within #our group of friends or famil#D 'on"entionalit# and properness, as well as propriet#, &e$ome stum&ling &lo$ks to freedom% So, I ha"e $onstantl# taught people how to o&tain freedomE either &# going within and a&iding in the >I sense,? or to Cuestion all of their assumptions $on$erning $on"entionalit#( $on"entional &eha"iors, $on"entional aspirations, the Ameri$an dream, ideas of marriage, sex, famil#, material su$$ess, as well as all the ideas we ha"e a&out gurus and spiritualit#% Li"ing from the heart, or li"ing without the mind, reCuires dropping all $on"entionalit#, all $on$epts, and 5ust &eing open to whate"er is presenting itself to #ou in the moment% An# $on$ept or idea will pre"ent #ou from seeing who #ou are as well as who the >other? is% -4ote( +eware e"en of this, &e$ause this too is a $on$ept, &ut one meant as a Ipointer,I to &ring freedom%.
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As Ro&ert said, I<our mind is not #our friend%I <et most people a$$ept spiritualit# as a progressi"e exploration of spiritual $on$epts, as opposed to dropping the mind and seeing oneself dire$tl# without the inter"ention of thinking, the mind or $on$epts% I think it is relati"el# eas# to drop the mind when it $omes to our spiritual sear$h% !hat is, through meditation and repetiti"e hearing that the mind is not the wa#, that through the mind one $annot find freedom( one graduall# reall# &egins to pra$ti$e meditation and attains an empt# mind rather Cui$kl#% Fowe"er, m# experien$e is that most people en$apsulate this empt# mind to a small part of their li"esE and no-mind, &e$oming nothing, does not extend outwards to famil# or their e"er#da# life, &e$ause it would $ause pro&lems% +e$oming un$on"entional is risk#% E"en Ro&ert held &a$k some of his tea$hings a&out $ons$iousness, sa#ing, :If I told them the entire truth, I would &e stoned%; It is if for some, their spiritual life is totall# separated and dis5ointed from their e"er#da# life% e ma# &e "er# spiritual in our meditation and getting rid of spiritual $on$epts su$h as( karma, rein$arnation, guru, the "oid, emptiness, the SelfE and #et remain "er# prosai$ and $on"entional when it $omes to pursuing our e"er#da# life with our three $hildren, worn-out marriage, an unex$iting $areer as a do$tor,
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law#er, Indian $hief, exe$uti"e, editor, or tea$her% !here, we swallow our tongue so to speak, and a$$ept this as the &ed we made for oursel"es and $ontinue to plug awa#, while finding more freedom through meditation and freedom from spiritual $on$epts, &ut $arefull# a"oiding letting this freedom spoil our $on"entional life st#le% hen it $omes to Cuestions of &reakup or di"or$e, Cuitting our 5o&s and starting a new $areer, dropping out of $ollege, and 5ust leaping into an unknown future, we find this is an entirel# different and mu$h larger &all of wax% !he es$ape from the trap of spiritual tea$hings is entirel# less traumati$ than es$aping from a dead marriage, a dead-end $areer that we ha"e spent O0 #ears in, or e"en $hanging our politi$s from $onser"ati"e to li&eral and a$tuall# making a $ommitment to getting in"ol"ed in some wa# su$h as( in animal res$ue, or some other new endea"or entirel#, &e$ause this in"ol"es a$tuall# walking the talk, as opposed to merel# meditating and thinking a&out the talk% A$tions speak mu$h louder than words, $on$epts, or meditati"e pea$e% I think all good tea$hers tr# to think of wa#s to get their students to &reak out of their $on"entionalit# as well as to experien$e one@s own sense of Self and to lo"e ones Self% Ro&ert would I$ookI us &# $reating real245
life situations where our feelings would &e hurt and our $on$epts a&out li"ing would &e $hallenged% Man# people left him and the sangha rather than fa$e these feelings% 9ew sta#ed to parti$ipate in their own de$onstru$tion% Other tea$hers, su$h as Siddharameshwar, fo$used onl# on meditation, on the >I-thought?, or >I-feeling?, promoting a progressi"e penetration through the $on$epts of the mindE as well as other le"els of mind, su$h that the# found the "oid or the# found the Self% !hen hatD Bnless that dis$o"er# was applied to the student?s e"er#da# life, the# were still a "er# $on"entional person leading a "er# $on"entional life, and therefore a "er# unfree life% Bnlike most spiritual tea$hers, I think it is 5ust as important to es$ape from the $on$eptual $on"entionalit# of e"er#da# life( famil#, $areer, politi$s, et$%, and to go &e#ond them entirel#, as it is to es$ape from the IspiritualI &eliefs that we are human &eings &ased in &odies and minds, as opposed to &eing something entirel# &e#ond% As long as one has the $on"entional &elief of &eing a human, in a &od#, in a $areer, one $annot possi&l# do the full es$ape into the unknown and into the Self% !hose tea$hers li"ing outside of $on"entionalit# are often referred to as :a"adhuts%; One "er# famous and
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re$ent a"adhut was Ra5neesh% In a sense, 4isargadatta was also an a"adhut who $hallenged all of the students to shed all of their $on$epts, &ut who himself $ontinued to lead a $on"entional life% Lersonall#, I feel that sar$asm, humor, espe$iall# dark humor or sar$asti$ humor, dire$t $riti$ism, as well as $ourses and expositions that emphasize $riti$al thinking, $an &e as helpful as long periods of dr# meditation in freeing oneself from the $on"entional, whether of $on"entional religion, a $on"entional life, the Ameri$an dream, politi$al persuasions, or 9a$e &ook politi$al $orre$tness% I think $omedians like Lewis +la$k, +ill Maher, *eorge 'arlin, 6on Stuart, and man# others, pro"ide a &it of effe$ti"e antidote to those immersed in the Ameri$an dream, $on"entional religion, and $on"entional $areers% !hese men help de$onstru$t the $on"entionalit# we are immersed in, and help us &reakout from imprisoning molds% Lewis +la$k states that his mother has a &la$k &elt in sar$asm, and his routines drip with su$h sar$asm, whi$h $an &e utterl# unfettering% !his is wh# I tea$h as I do, with hea"# sar$asm and profanit#% I desperatel# want people to &reak out of $on"entional mindsets and &eha"iors whi$h the# do not e"en see let alone re$ognize as a trap, a hindran$e to
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freedom% !his kind of freedom is far more important for the future of mankind, than for the isolated indi"idual to gain $omplete release from the fetters of mind and flesh in a great Satori% hen su$h one gains freedom and great enlightenment, he or she &e$omes freed, &ut then whatD hat a&out the rest of mankindD Are the# not struggling under $on"entionalit# imposed &# the 'atholi$ 'hur$h, &# &orn-again 'hristianit#, &# 'hristian moralit#, &# +uddhist moralit#, &# sharia law, &# 6ewish folklore in the form of the Old !estament, and all kinds of :politi$al $orre$tnessD; Is not a large portion of the population of the Bnited States gripped &# a "er# $onser"ati"e mentalit#, supposedl# 'hristian, hea"il# su&s$ri&ing to getting go"ernment out of welfare, $hild support, edu$ation, and health$areE and turning all of these responsi&ilities o"er to the famil# or to Ipri"ate enterprise,I and $ompanies with a profit moti"eD Fow do we help these peopleD Fow do we help people who kill others, su$h as soldiers long indo$trinated &# training from their go"ernments into a$$epting killing for the sake of *od and $ountr#, es$ape this mindsetD Fow do we help &ut$hers and slaughterhouse workers, as well as $onsumers to understand that killing sentient &eings for meat, for other &#produ$ts of their dead &odies, is repugnant and an offense to the selfD
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Lersonall#, I think all these tools of humor, sar$asm, spiritual I$ooking,I as well as meditation and self inCuir# need to &e applied to help as man# people as possi&le es$ape from the traps of their minds, es$ape from peer pressure, es$ape from the Ameri$an dream into a life of li"ing from the heartE li"ing from lo"e and in lo"e, and there&# finding freedom and happiness% 9or this end I $an see an integration of man# tools of freedom in a sort of 4ew Bni"ersit# of Bnlearning, where a whole $ommunit# seeks freedom on e"er# le"el, and in that freedom, the# end up li"ing from the heart and in lo"e, and li"ing dail# in the e$stas#, relief, and silen$e that results from a&andoning the mind and finding the heart%
0ittle Eddie and 2ig Eddie.
249
o!ert Adams
I get so man# $omments from folks telling me I totall# do not understand Ad"aita, spiritualit# in general, awakening, Ro&ert or Ramana, 4isargadatta, or an#thing else for that matter% So man# people seem to know Ro&ert &etter than I did and the# tell me so% +ut "er# few were with Ro&ert, ma#&e none that $omment here% <es, Ro&ert was not of this world% E"en his wife 4i$ole said that e"en after knowing him for Q0 #ears, she expe$ted a fl#ing sau$er to land some da# and take him awa#, &a$k to :his; world% I $an attest to that% +ut #ou ha"e to understand Ro&ert was also human% Fe feared dentists% Fe spread rumors whi$h $onstantl# spoiled his sangha% Fe pla#ed tri$ks on people, and lots of other things% So man# people ha"e $on$epts a&out gurus, what the# are like, what the# should &e like, what powers the# ha"e, et$% E"er# one of these images and $on$epts will pre"ent #ou from trul# seeing and a$$epting the tea$her for what he or she reall# is, and
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will pre"ent #ou, therefore, from seeing who #ou are, &e$ause the one dis$rimination &egets the other% Ro&ert alwa#s denied he ga"e Shaktipat, &ut we $ould alwa#s feel the Shakti in his presen$e% !he Shakti element was strong e"en as his &od# weakened% Fe alwa#s denied he did an#thing energeti$all# with his students, &ut we all felt the energ# from him and in us% !o this da# I still feel it as a presen$e within me% Ro&ert was a "essel for Shakti% It had its own will and wa#, he was not the doer and he knew it% Some people think he $ould mind read them, that all gurus had that power% Fe $ould not% Man# people in the Ramana Ashram &elie"ed that Ramana $ould teleport, &e$ause after e"er#one left the hall, some might $ome &a$k and see that he had disappeared, when he had still &een there onl# se$onds &efore% *aneshan, Ramana?s Mountain Lath,; told me did not know that there the $ou$h where he la#, went to his room% nephew and Editor of :!he that man# &elie"ed that, &ut was a hidden trap door near through whi$h he exited and
So strong is the need in man# to idealize and worship someone who $an :sa"e; them from suffering and e"en from death, that the# do not see the guru
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$learl#% So frightened are man# that the# need a sa"ior to take awa# their human mortalit# and "ulnera&ilit#% !hus #ou find all the $omments that Ed Muzika is all-too-human, "ersus legends like Ramana or Ro&ert, &e$ause man# ha"e to &elie"e in a di"ine or demigod sa"ior% E"en ex$eptionall# &rilliant people needed to worship gurus, su$h as 7en il&er and his fixation on )a 9ree 6ohn, and oh so man# on Osho or Ramana% *uru worship starts from su$h an idealization "iewpoint% One thinks of the guru as sa"ior and *od in$arnate &e$ause one pro5e$ts that sal"ation need into a guru or series of gurus% !hen #ou graduall# get to know what the tea$her is reall# like, and with that a progressi"e disillusionment of the need to idealize and pro5e$t% If while seeing the guru e"er more $learl# as &oth human and something else, &# &eing with him or her, ha"ing pro5e$tions and idealizations &rokenE if then #ou still $an a$$ept and lo"e #our tea$herE #ou will find #ou also see #ourself e"er more $learl#, and a$$ept #ourself as he or she a$$epts #ou, and graduall# #ou will lo"e #ourself as mu$h or more than #ou e"er lo"ed the guru%
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!rul#, he or she is #our mirror of how #ou see #ourself, as well as of #our In"isi&le% !hen one da# #our Self, drawn &# #our lo"e and a$$eptan$e of &oth #ourself and #our tea$her, will re"eal itself totall# to #ou% 4ot in the small &its and pie$es #ou ha"e grown used to &# pra$ti$ing selfinCuir#, or self-a&idan$e, or guru-&hakti, &ut in a full, $omplete re"elation of tremendous power and magnitude% !his is not to sa# there is 5ust one awakening% !his is 5ust one of man# awakenings that await the diligent student of him or herself% E"en Ro&ert had a final awakening 5ust months &efore he died% I was not there with him in Sedona, &ut I was told this &# Mar# Skene, who mo"ed to Sedona from LA, to &e with him% !he great ,en master 6oshu, said he had 1H great awakenings and thousands of small ones% So #ou $an ne"er $ount #our 5ourne# in life as $ompleted no matter how finished #ou feel% A true guru is an ordinar# human &eing &ut in a most extraordinar# wa#, and so are #ou if onl# #ou $ould stop to reall# in"estigate and to see #ourself without 5udgment, $ondemnation, or ex$essi"e nar$issism%
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I see so man# gurus in the $urrent marketpla$e who appear so arrogant, self-$entered and intelle$tual% I $an see wh# prospe$ti"e students are war# of a$$epting an# of them, and thus $ontinue to worship some dead gurus su$h as Ramana, 4isargadatta, or 'hrist% <et, those who do so remain stu$k in relationships where the idealisms and pro5e$tions ne"er $ollapseE rather than ha"e a real relationship with a real person, where the de$onstru$tions of #our fantasies o$$ur mu$h more rapidl# &e$ause of that relationship% !he same pro$ess holds true &etween human lo"ers% !here is alwa#s a progressi"e disillusionment, nar$issisti$ in5uries, et$%, and most su$h highl# $harged relationships &reak up &efore there is an# real transformation% !hen the sear$h &egins for a new lo"er, one who is not so imperfe$t as the last% +ut the pro$ess is the same as with the guru% E"entuall# #ou see the tea$her for who he or she reall# is, and &# that time #ou see #ourself for who #ou reall# areE a pro$ess of &e$oming &oth progressi"el# more human and less human at the same time%
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A New 7ay of Teaching

Again, I ha"e &een Cuiet for a while% 4ow that I ha"e read Shri Sadguru Siddharameshwar?s Master of Self-Realization, I am aware &oth of the strengths and weaknesses of the Ad"aita approa$h% One strength is that it is a model that pro"ides a $omplete ontolog# and epistemolog# a&out the human $onditionE fo$uses on what is important, whi$h is SelfRealization "ersus other kinds of spiritual knowledge or of attaining siddhas, and pro"ides the method of following or a&iding in the >I-sense?, the >I Am?% Fowe"er, one weakness of Ad"aita -and ,en. is that it misses the human $ondition that still &inds most seekers, and tries to $ast it off rather than use it to energize awakening% !raditional Ad"aita, at &est, urges one to lo"e one?s famil# and $hildren, and to $on$entrate on the >I-sense? &# following it downwards into the depths of $ons$iousness, to the deepest la#er of $ons$iousness, !uri#a, and then e"en surpass that to utter silen$e, the Moid of Moids% !he other e"en stronger weakness is that it is a simple-to-understand model with enormous power to gratif# one?s thirst to know and to understand% One reads 4isargadatta or Siddharameshwar, and immediatel# the mind halts and one feels awe% It is so
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eas# to make the mind rest when it hears these deep truths% Like Einstein?s *eneral !heor#, it is so &eautiful, eloCuent, and $omplete, one rests in a state of pure knowing% <et, this knowing is still of the mind% It does not penetrate deeper into one?s $ons$iousness to the deeper le"els of Samadhi, or guide #ou through to the le"els of knowing nothing, &e$oming nothing, wherein all knowledge is shed and #ou &e$ome simple and hum&le% <ou see, the traditional Ad"aita is so powerful, 5ust reading it generates profound states of understanding in some, with profound :opening; experien$es, that one often feels the# ha"e gone all the wa# and ha"e a $omplete understanding% Mer# often the# &e$ome "er# arrogant, filled with spiritual knowledge, whi$h the# &egin to announ$e to e"er# one the# know% !hus is &orn the 9a$e&ook and other Internet gurus and also the guru-&ashers, who smell the arrogan$e of knowledge or the falseness of those who pro$laim their utter purit# and di"ine lo"e% One $an feel that these tea$hers la$k humilit# and a $ertain humanness and loudl# pro$laim an impersonal state, or of a di"ine and impersonal lo"e for all% One feels in their presen$e the la$k of the human tou$h, of mortalit#, and simple
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humilit#% !he# are tea$hers and e"er#one should listen to their truth, and &elie"e their impersonal lo"e is deep and true% It is so hard for man# to e"er es$ape this trap of understanding and em&od#ing an impersonal, uni"ersal lo"e% !here is another wa# of tea$hing that I think is more powerful and without the weaknesses of Ad"aita% I should also in$lude ,en and !i&etan +uddhism &e$ause the# &eget similar pro&lems as Ad"aita, in that the# also miss the transforming power of human lo"e% <ou will not find lo"e in ,en, &elie"e me% !his other wa# is &# dire$t transmission of transformati"e shakti, and also 5ust &eing in the presen$e of the guru in Satsang and )arshan, &eing in the presen$e of truth and manifest lo"e% !his is wh# I hung around gurus for man# #ears, looking for truth in them whi$h I felt I la$ked% !his is wh# I spent 8 #ears with Ro&ert, &e$ause I $ould feel it in him% I felt his :&e#ond this worldliness,; and its draw was infinitel# powerful% !o &e around him and feel knowledge and knowingness drop awa# into the pea$eful holding gra$e of nothingness &rought su$h pea$e% One $an $ertainl# feel the draw of the *reat silen$e, the stateless state &e#ond e"en !uri#a, whi$h is the ground state of the SelfE feeling that $ore that
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penetrates through and permeates all other states of $ons$iousness( like the waking, dream and sleep states, as well as the mind with all its knowing, and impulses, as well as the ph#si$al &od#, and e"en the awakening Shakti itself% <et, one alwa#s feels there is something la$king following this path( a feeling of lo"e and the terri&le power of lo"e to twist and turn #ou into a thri"ing, flowering plantE or &# its la$k, into a shri"eled leaf% I am talking a&out human lo"e, the lo"e for another, whi$h in its deepest form is reall# lo"e of the Self, for itself, &oth in oneself( where the lo"e arises and is felt, &ut also lo"e for the Self that is felt and experien$ed in the :Other%; I saw it in Ro&ert% Ro&ert was alwa#s seeking personal lo"e &e$ause he said it grounded him and kept him in the world% hat he meant was that lo"e of the Self turned inward resulted in a Ramana, &ene"olent and impersonal( &ut lo"e of the Self turned outwards, &rought a transformati"e power &oth to the guru and to those who lo"ed him or her% <es, Ro&ert lo"ed me% I $ould feel it all the time% +ut he also sought the lo"e of a woman to ground himself, to ex$ite and energize that Self-la#er of his, as well as energize the Self-knowing Cualit# in the woman% e men students were largel# left out of the mas$uline3feminine transformation around Ro&ert, and
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most felt the Moid and &e#ond, whi$h $an &e$ome "er#, "er# dr#% I trul# &elie"e that one is O9!E4 &est ser"ed &# ha"ing a guru of the opposite sex, for it $an use human lo"e as a transformati"e energ#, a sort of $ons$ious or un$ons$ious !antra% I do not want to digress too mu$h in this area, it is onl# an example of what I saw o"er Q0 #ears of &eing around $ountless gurus( human lo"e in all its forms is an essential part of the &est sorts of transformation% It alwa#s will destro# the arrogan$e of knowledge that Ad"aita and !i&etan +uddhism $an &ring, as well as the ,en arrogan$e of knowing nothing% Lo"e, human lo"e as &etween lo"ers, or the guru3$hela, is hum&ling and transformati"e% !herefore, I think there is a more powerful wa# of tea$hing than tea$hing Ad"aita or ,en or other forms of +uddhism, and that is dire$t transmission, outside of the tea$hings, through respe$t and lo"e, mostl# in silen$e, while &eing in the presen$e of the tea$herA someone who has realized the Self% I admit I totall# pooh-poohed su$h a wa# of tea$hing in the past, &e$ause it la$ked knowingness, understanding, and a method% !he onl# method was to &e in the presen$e of the guru, and la$king that, of a highl# e"ol"ed lo"er%
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!his is the model of Muktananda and $urrentl#, Amma, the hugging guru% I saw Amma se"eral times &efore I met Ro&ert and felt nothing from her, &ut I saw the profound impa$t she had on man#% I dismissed her and her approa$h then as not for me% Also, for me, Muktananda was the same( a sill# old man with no parti$ular tea$hings, or an#thing else going for him, &ut who also had an enormous impa$t on thousands of students through his shakti% +ut I see the trap of knowledge and knowingness so easil# sprung on Ad"aita and +uddhist students, whi$h I ha"e seen at work in our own Sangha% !hus from now on, I will emphasize :!ruth; less, and the need for lo"e, &oth personal and impersonal, and for ph#si$al presen$e, more, mu$h more%
3untington &ardens.
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The 8True9 Teacher

h# are so man# of #ou out there $on"in$ed that a :true; tea$her alwa#s looks and a$ts like RamanaD Llease tell me, what is it that #ou get out of a tea$her that has a Cuietist presentation like Ramana, rather than ha"ing a ri$h, d#nami$, and energeti$ deli"er# with a full range of affe$tD Is it that #ou too ha"e a :ri$h and o"erl# energeti$; presentation whi$h #ou find painful and #ou seek respite from #ourself in $reating an illusion of pea$eD I do not get it% 9or man# of #ou, a :true; tea$her ne"er gets angr# or agitated% Fe does not parti$ipate in life% Fe li"es in a different world, a world of pea$e, gentleness, no anger, no rea$tion to the world, desireless, sexless, and not a hint of 5udgment% Are #ou that need# of es$ape from #our own humanit#D Ro&ert himself was not the wa# he $ame a$ross in Satsang% E"en in Satsang his sar$asm $ame a$ross, &ut when #ou were with him, his sar$asm, whi$h is a 5udging, &e$ame sharper, and &ehind people?s &a$ks, he would &e 5udgmental% 4e"er in pu&li$ mind #ou, &ut personall# he would express his 5udgments a&out people, in$luding who to trust or not trust, who was ad"an$ed and who was not%
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Look, I am H0 #ears old% Ma#&e I ha"e another ten #ears of tea$hing% I am in a hurr# too% I hate wat$hing people $ling to their ideas of what a :perfe$t; tea$her is like, or how the# should express themsel"es, or what their inner state is like% !hese $on$epts pre"ent #ou from realisti$all# seeing #ourself as #ou are and &e$oming #ourself, &e$ause these $on$epts are filters &# whi$h #ou 5udge, and thus a$$ept or re5e$t the tea$hing &eing offered, and also a$$ept or re5e$t the energeti$ impa$t of the tea$her on #ou% It is reall#, reall# diffi$ult to $ome to a tea$her empt# of $on$epts and 5udgments% And, this is pre$isel# what a tea$her is tr#ing to tea$h, how to &e$ome empt# of $on$epts, $ompletel# open% !his is wh# I atta$k #our $on$epts a&out spiritualit# and gurus% Mo"e past #our re5e$tions and #our limiting $on$epts, and &ehold, 4isargadatta the !erri&le= Llease listen $learl#% I am not &ashing gurus or their methods% I am &ashing the words the# use% It is words read 100 or 1000 #ears later &# someone in +uffalo 4%<% that $an trap that person into an idealization of &oth Ramana, the pi$ture painted of him &# man# dis$iples, and his tea$hings a&out $ons$iousness% !his poor gu# or girl ma# ha"e nothing
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else to go on for #ears &ut &eing trapped in these $on$epts and pro5e$tions flowing out of a need for se$urit# and a pro5e$ted onto this idol% !hen later, he or she dis$o"ers the spiritual marketpla$e and finds it o"er$rowded with $ompeting "isions, tea$hers, workshops, paid sk#pe sessionsE and more than an#thing else, the $on$epts gurus tea$h( $on$epts a&out e"er#thing from lo"e, to awakening, to :full-realization,; the need to &e in 4ir"akalpa Samadhi for 1O #ears with a guru until #ou awaken, !uri#a, awareness, and a trillion other $on$epts and methods% I knew Ro&ert reall#, reall# well% Fe used $on$epts to entertain and keep people $oming &a$k to Satsang to &e in his presen$e% It was not his words that $hanged me or an#one elseE it was his presen$e% In his presen$e I was transformed% It was his stillness, his lack of tea$hing that transformed me% Fe was not of this world and I felt an intuition of that world when I was with him% !herefore m# tea$hing has nothing to do with an# $on$epts, e"en those from m# &elo"ed 4isargadatta, and e"en less so from Ro&ert or Ramana% I worship 4isargadatta, and I ha"e taken Ro&ert into m# heart and he is I% I feel their gra$e $onstantl#, and do not feel the# would ha"e felt &etra#ed &e$ause I sa# the#
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often spoke non sense% hear me sa# that%
I think the# would smile to
If the# were ali"e, I would tell people, :*o to 4isargadatta and Ro&ert% 6ust sit in their presen$e and listen% )o not 5udge or form $on$epts% 6ust listen and tr# to feel them with #our &eingness, with #our heart%; I do not &ash them, I &ash their $on$epts% I do not &ash their methodsE I em&ra$e them and expand on the pro$ess of meditation on the >I Am?, and e"en use the $on$epts of the four &odies as a heuristi$ tool% +ut what I see in almost all of m# students is them &eing stu$k in their e"er#da#, personal life, tr#ing desperatel# to get unstu$k &# following gurus, doing pra$ti$es, and mostl# reading &ooks, whi$h 5ust $rowd their minds with additional $on$epts whi$h e"en more hide the truth of emptiness% So m# message is( )o not get e"en more stu$k &# &e$oming $aptured &# a tradition or set of $on$epts that are not rele"ant to that whi$h #ou know for $ertain% hat is it that #ou know without dou&tD Is there an#thing #ou know without dou&tD; !his will take them immediatel# to the $on$lusion, >I know nothing for $ertain%? hat does this get #ou( 9ear, inse$urit#, a sense of lossD hat does this gi"e #ouD
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It allows #ou to &e open to #our own truth% hat do #ou know with $omplete $ertaint#D )on?t #ou see, this has plowed the field of #our mind to &e free of all $on$eptual weeds and allows spa$e for #our own truth, "er&al or non-"er&al to sprout and grow% At the deepest le"el #ou need to trust the guruAif #ou are to follow that pathAwith #our life% <ou turn e"er#thing o"er to him or her% <ou see he onl# wants #our freedom and exalts in #our su$$ess e"er# time #ou &reak a little freerE whether from a si$kened famil# situation, to freedom from some guru or gurutea$hings whi$h are not helping #ou% !he guru3$hela relationship is extremel# $lose, personal, and painful for &oth the tea$her and the student% On of m# studentsE her wa# started in 'hristianit# and a&out three #ears ago she dis$o"ered Ro&ert% She listened to him, e"er# talk, man#, man# times o"er a period of a&out a #ear% She listened to all OQ/ talks man# times, and e"en listened to them through the night on her Ipod 4ano% She pra$ti$ed self-inCuir# in$essantl#% !he resultE she &e$ame sui$idal% Fer whole world had lost its 5ui$e and she saw the emotional po"ert# of her life lo$ked in a lo"eless marriage% !his made her e"en more depressed% At that point we &e$ame $loser
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and I helped her see through the $on$epts that trapped her in that dead marriage as well as the truth &ehind Ro&ert?s words, whi$h were reall# meant 5ust for pu&li$ dissemination, and surel# are not the words a li"ing guru would gi"e to #ou if he or she were guiding #ou in e"er#da# life, real time% A4) she &egan to flower= She &egan to take $ontrol of her life and not sta# a doormat to an o"erl# $ontrolling hus&and in a lo"eless marriage% She &egan to experien$e intense lo"e and intense emotions for the 9IRS! !IME I4 FER MEMOR<% !his allowed her to &reak e"en freer and see the life-freeing "alue of lo"e% ith this, like with man# women, she &egan to experien$e intense energies, intense emotions, intensel# flowing kundalini-like energies raging through her &od#, &urning awa# atta$hments and $on$epts &e$ause her intensit# and fo$us made all the $on$eptual traps in her life, all the assumptions, et$%, $learl# seen as walls of a prison% !he traps, the &eliefs in the nu$lear famil#, FER nu$lear famil#, the &elief in Ro&ert?s words, her 'hristian moralit# of alwa#s &eing the good girl, the pristine feminine fa$tor, enfor$ed meekness, were all &lown awa# &# the energies and freed emotions $oursing through her &od# and through her sense of presen$e, until she was $learl# a&le to see she was not
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her &od#, and the mind was seen to &e like a $lear &u&&le filled with 5unk% <ou see, it is this kind of student I look for, someone hell &ent for freedom% Another student was different when he $ame to me% Fe had 1O #ears of intense meditation pra$ti$e &efore we first talked% Fe was almost at awakening% It took 5ust a little push% And his awakening pro$ess $ontinues as does m# own% It ne"er stops% !here is no end, no final state% Fis wa# had less drama, &e$ause &asi$all# he was a 6nani% Fe is $ontinuing to unfold now on a +hakti path% !he first student is a good mixture of 6nani, as a tea$her, &ut e"en more so as a +hakti% !hus her wa# is more painful, disrupti"e, filled with drama, intense feelings, de"otion, and in$reasingl#, e$stasies% !here is another student who is almost totall# a +hakti% Fer awakening is filled with e"ents of strife, mental trauma, fears, &ut also is a path of deep lo"e and de"otion% Fow man# are willing to tra"erse her path of $ontinuous fear and emotional pain to get where she isD 4ot man#% So, reall# I speak to the rare ones read# to go o"er the $liff% 9or others I sa#, :6ust don?t get $aught &#
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$on$epts, whether those of so$iet#, or Ramana% )e"elop a $lear mind%; +ut this message is usuall# lost on &eginners who need to $lea"e to some set of &eliefs, $on$epts, or first to a guru who appeals to them% I am not reall# speaking to them%
Mali,u.
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amana" Siddharameshwar and Nisargadatta

Siddharameshwar, 4isargadatta?s tea$her had a somewhat different ontolog# and a somewhat different method% Fe said essentiall# there were two >I?s( the >I? of the mind and identifi$ation, whi$h was resident in the su&tle &od# as a $on$ept, and the mu$h deeper feeling of >I Amness,? whi$h was the 9ourth +od#, or !uri#a% !his is exa$tl# the same "iew as Ramana Maharshi% 4isargadatta, at the end of his life, had the opinion #ou onl# had to listen to his words, ponder their meaning, and a&ide in the >I Am?, in order to &e$ome li&erated% Siddharameshwar said the path was all a&out meditati"e introspe$tion, hunting through the la#ers of $ons$iousness to find the >I Am?% 9or Siddharameshwar there were four &odies to &e $on$ei"ed of and found through progressi"e, guided meditation with the tea$her, alwa#s hunting for the >I?% !here was the ph#si$al &od# and the world, the world of the mind -Su&tle +od#. with its thinking, feeling, dis$rimination, $on$epts, and the inner experien$e of spa$e or the Moid% !hen there was the &od# of forgetfulness -'ausal +od#., whi$h takes awa#
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the knowledge of the &od# and the mind, lea"ing one empt# and sensiti"e to more su&tle la#ers% 4ext is what he $alled the Supra$ausal &od#, whi$h Ramana and he &oth also $alled !uri#a, or the fourth state% !his is the >I Am?, the deepest le"el of em&odied $ons$iousness% All three, Ramana, Siddharameshwar, and 4isargadatta said this part of one?s Self is found in meditati"e introspe$tion on the sense of >I?, or >I Amness?, or of 5ust >Amness?% !hrough meditation the su$$essi"e &odies or la#ers are re"ealed as one gets progressi"el# more dis$riminati"el# su&tle% Ramana and Siddharameshwar pla$ed far more emphasis on introspe$tion and a&iding in the >I?, or the >I Am? sensation, while Mahara5 pla$ed more emphasis later in his life on the presen$e of the guru, and listening to his words% Earlier, he was far more de"otional% 4ow, Siddharameshwar said that with the guidan$e of the guru, the student finall# penetrates through to the >I Am? le"el and needs to a&ide there% !he >I Am? le"el is all a&out lo"e% !he >I Am? le"el, !uri#a, in a sense is lo"e itself% !his too is m# dis$o"er#% <ou $an &est find the >I Am? le"el inside #ourself through lo"e, first &# lo"ing that sense of >I Am? #ou find through introspe$tion, and then also &# &orrowing the lo"e #ou feel for
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another within oneself, and realizing #ou are lo"e itself% !he Self, whi$h is !uri#a, is perfe$t lo"e, de"otion and surrender% a# &efore Self-Realization, #ou will in$reasingl# ha"e experien$es of &liss, awe, lo"e, energies and e$stasies that &oth ra$e through #our sense of presen$e, and also fill it with e$stati$ states% <our &od# will seem torn asunder &# unimagina&le lo"e flowing, &liss and e"en more% It reall# $annot &e des$ri&ed "er# well% !hen one da#, after #ou ha"e lo"ed long enough and hard enough, the Self rises from within and exposes itself to #ouE and #ou, the small self, will fall to #our knees in a&solute awe and de"otion% <ou will feel the gra$e of *od e"en if #ou do not &elie"e in *od% <ou will feel the di"ine rising within #ou, 5ust as 7rishna re"ealed himself to Ar5una and #ou will fall to #our knees in $omplete lo"e, surrender and de"otion% All three agree on the next step% At some point during #our de"otion to the Self, to the >I Am?, while a&iding in !uri#a, Samadhi, the >I Am?, that sense of &lissful, e$stati$ presen$e will a&ruptl# lea"e and #ou will re$ognize #ourself as that whi$h has supported allE the prin$iple that knows and supports the uni"erse, and also supports the >I Am?% !he amazing thing #ou will also learn, is this feels like #ou are returning to &e an ordinar# #ou, ex$ept for the realization that all this too is #ou% E"er#thing is #ou and not #ou at the same
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time% <ou &e$ome ordinar#, wat$hing or parti$ipating in lifeE it &e$omes #our :$hoi$e%; Siddharameshwar is &oth 6nani and +hakti as is Ramana% 4isargdatta is no longer a +hakta at the end of his life% Fe sa#s that e"en after the >I Am? falls awa#, e"en after #ou ha"e penetrated through !uri#a and ha"e rested in what #ou are, #ou must $ontinue to find and worship the >I Am?, the Self within, the Self of All% !his $ontinued worship is what adds sweetness and wetness to non-phenomenal existen$e, &e$ause otherwise, so man# 6nanis &urn out and dr# up, as happened to me, until someone &lew life into me again% Nisargadatta in a Nutshell: <ou as a &od#3mind were &orn% <ou li"ed totall# in"ol"ed with the world and #our own instin$ts and desires, 100X in"ol"ed, &ut not aware of #ourself as an identit#, a human% !hen one da#, out of nowhere, sometime &etween the age of 1-13O and Q, it dawned on #ou that #ou were ali"e and existed% !he >I Am? was &orn= <ou then &egan an existen$e of self-awareness, self$ons$iousness, aware not onl# of #our wants and needs, &ut the realities imposed &# the world%
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!hus was &orn the &eginnings of getting #our wants and needs fulfilled through "arious adapti"e strategies, in$luding using #our intelligen$e to $reate situations or items to fulfill #our needs% <ou flaunt #our intelligen$e to gain re$ognition or lo"e% Later #ou ma# flaunt #our sexualit#, maleness or femaleness to get what #ou want% At s$hool #ou learn reading, writing, so$ial skills, de&ating, and how to &e an o&edient and good $onsumer% <ou learn all kinds of things that #ou integrate into #our self-image, whi$h is opposed to a non-self image also de"eloping, namel# the external world% 4ow #ou ha"e $ontra$ted from &eing the world down to li"ing in a mental $reation% E"er#thing, all external data, all internal feelings and energies are mediated &# mind% <ou no longer li"e in the real world &ut a mediated world% All this is knowledge% !he first knowledge was >I Am%? +efore that, though #ou existed, >I?, as an entit# was not &orn% +efore that #ou existed, fun$tioning perfe$tl#, instin$tuall#, then the >I Am? was &orn and e"er#thing $hanged% After that #ou were 5ust knowledge, and in deep sleep, the knowledge was lost% +ut still #ou existed, 5ust as #ou did &efore the >I? was &orn%
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9irst #ou ha"e unknowing, not knowing% !hen knowningness $ame and then it went, &a$k and forth% +ut #ou alwa#s existed% <ou reall# are that prin$iple that knows% <ou are the one who $ontains &oth knowing and not knowing% !his prin$iple is the same in all sentient &eings% E"er#one has the knowing potential% !here is onl# one kind of knowing prin$iple and it is em&odied in all sentient &eings% e all share that as the &ase% hen #our &od# mind dies, that sentien$e dies in #ou and with it, #our >I Am?% +ut the sentien$e, the knowingness prin$iple $ontinues on throughout the uni"erse in others% Mahara5 sa#s it is this >I Am? that $auses all the world?s pro&lems and is #our master% Fow to end it and find total freedom from the needs and dri"es of the >I AmD? Fe sa#s to find the >I Am? in us, a&ide in it, lo"e it, and one da#, with endless lo"ing, it will go% It will release #ou from its $lut$hes on$e the original #ou, the prin$iple &ehind knowingness, re$ognizes #ou still exist e"en when the >I Am? has disappeared% !he >I Amness? has two Cualities, lo"e and the generator of all a$ti"it#% !he >I Am? rules all% It is the &eginning and end of e"er#thing that is "isi&le and in
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experien$e, &ut <OB, as the ultimate whi$h holds e"en the >I Am?, and *od, and the world in existen$e are &e#ond all that% !he tri$k I am adding to 4isargadtta?s method is to add the lo"e #ou find for another, re$ognize that it is a lo"e for another that arises in #ou, fo$us on it, and &e$ome lo"e itself% On$e #ou $an identif# with lo"e itself, the Self, the uni"ersal holder of the >I Am?, the pure >I Am? of all, will re"eal itself to #ou as the most awe inspiring entit#% !he gra$e of *od will flow into #ou, and #ou will &e $ompletel# happ#, $ompletel# e$stati$% +ut #ou must understandE #ou, as #ou take #ourself to &e, are onl# an idea% <ou are a stor#, not an entit#, not #our &od#% <ou don?t exist as an# entit#% +ut what #ou reall# are is the power of knowing or not knowing% Still #ou are not an entit#E #ou are the prin$iple that sustains the uni"erse and that whi$h understands these words%
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Se: and the /uru

In the earl# 1PH0s I studied ,en with se"eral ,en masters, in$luding Maezumi Roshi and Sasaki Roshi% )uring a talk one frozen winter morning at Mt% +ald#, Sasaki said, :<ou all want enlightenment, &ut #ou ha"e to realize after awhile enlightenment $an &e &oring%; Fe then went on to sa# how #ou ha"e to &ring enlightenment &a$k into e"er#da# life% As I had not awakened at the time, his talk had no impa$t on me% I wanted to awakenE whate"er that was, I had no $lue% Eight #ears later I was tea$hing a $ourse at B'LA?s Extension in ,en and ps#$holog#, and Maezumi Roshi spoke as a guest speaker% Someone asked him, : hat is ,enD; Maezumi paused / or G se$onds, then threw his arms out wide and pro$laimed loudl#, :,en is &reath= ,en is &eing present here and now in e"er#da# life=; As I had not awakened at the time, I dismissed this as the testimon# of someone who had not awakened% I 5udged him as defe$ti"e &e$ause I thought enlightenment was e"er#thing, and e"er#da# life was something I wanted to lea"e &ehind%
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!o me, at the time, awakening was something extraordinar# that happened to #ou whi$h totall# transformed #ou into something superhuman, ha"ing a$Cuired some trans$endental state of nonatta$hed wisdom and &liss, su$h that an# intrusion from e"er#da# life would simpl# &e a $ontamination% In the earl# 1PP0s when I was with m# greatest tea$her, Ro&ert Adams, often people would ask him how he saw the world, what was his su&5e$ti"e experien$eD !he# would ask, :Is it all Oneness, do #ou onl# see the Moid, are #ou in e$stas# all the time, et$%D; Ro&ert replied, :I see the world mu$h as #ou do% If I did not, I $ould not fun$tion in the world% !he onl# differen$e is that I know that e"er#thing is $ons$iousness% I am $ons$iousness, #ou are $ons$iousness, the trees and sk# are $ons$iousness%; Fe went on to explain he that knew the o&5e$ts in $ons$iousness were not real, &e$ause the# $ame and went and did not sta#, onl# $ons$iousness sta#ed, onl# $ons$iousness was real% I was not awake at the time, and therefore this talk was also lost on me% As long as #ou identif# #ourself with #our &od#, the $on$ept of Bni"ersal 'ons$iousness 5ust does not make senseE #ou ha"e not experien$ed one-$ons$iousness #et%
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)uring the 1PH0s, ,en was most popular% !here were at least a dozen famous ,en masters in the BS, and most of them &e$ame em&roiled in s$andals a&out them ha"ing sex with their students% I ne"er saw the point of these s$andals and ne"er had the "iewpoint that the poor female or male students were "ulnera&le and $onfusedE for reall#, who is not "ulnera&le to lo"e whi$h $an $ome from an# dire$tion unexpe$tedl#D h# should lo"e or sex &e $ontrolledD I 5ust did not see it% +ut the &ig argument &a$k then was that a spiritual tea$her had the same sort of moral and ethi$al o&ligations of a ps#$hotherapist or a law#er with all sorts of ex$lusions, pre$lusions, and $onfidentialit#% I reall# ne"er &ought that idea &a$k then e"en when I was a new&#, figuring what did sex ha"e to do with awakeningD It was like eating, a natural fun$tion of the &od#, and of lo"e% e don?t think of restri$tions on lo"e and sex in e"er#da# life ex$ept for whether #ou are in an ex$lusi"e relationship or not, &ut if not, wh# all the $on$epts that sex &etween tea$her and student was wrongD I saw students and tea$hers as eCuals, as $onsenting adults, not as *od and mortal, or therapist and anal#sand% <es, Maezumi got into trou&le regarding sex with his students, and I think was di"or$ed twi$e in "er# pu&li$ $ir$umstan$es%
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<et, he was "er# open all the time, talking pu&li$all# a&out his failures as per$ei"ed &# others, and also &# himself% Fe felt shame for drinking too mu$h, &eing $aught too man# times in sexual relations with students, et$% +ut he was extremel# open a&out his pro&lems, to e"er#one% !o me he on$e $onfided, e"en when I was a student of his, : h# meD h# do I get all the $riti$ism -a&out his sexual affairs.D Look at Sasaki= Fe is ten times worse than me, and no one $riti$izes him%; It is true, e"er#one knew a&out Sasaki?s affairs, &ut his impish personalit# allowed him to get awa# with it without $riti$ism% As a little known footnote, Ro&ert was freCuentl# asked a&out sex and "egetarianism% Ro&ert was a lifelong Megan sin$e the age of 11, and this is one of the few rules of li"ing Ro&ert suggested we li"e &#% <et when asked a&out sex, Ro&ert said there was a&solutel# nothing wrong with it% In fa$t, pro&lems often arose in our sangha a&out Ro&ert?s relations with some of his female students for one reason or another, and we were often for$ed to $hange the "enue of our satsang meetings &e$ause someone or another got upset a&out his a$tions% Ro&ert did not $are who $ame and went to his satsangsE he was onl# interested in who sta#ed with him no matter what he did%
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!his area exposes the issue of trust and surrender, whi$h I will not dis$uss here, &ut will at a different time% !his is still an area filled with opinions and 5udgmentalism, &ut on$e #ou find #our tea$her, e"en if he3she is not #our final tea$her, learning to trust and surrender is in$redi&l# important and ne$essar#% !hose who ne"er learn to trust or surrender to a tea$her, ha"e a "er# diffi$ult time making an# progress, as their minds are alwa#s 5udging, 5udging, 5udging and remaining in $ontrol% <ou see, sex was onl# one issue around whi$h e"er# tea$her was $riti$ized and found wanting in some wa# or another &a$k in the 1PH0s, and I suppose e"en now &e$ause the $on$ept of therapist3anal#sand was used &# westerners as the proper &oundaries and 5udgmental framework for the tea$her3student, guru3$hela relationships% At that time little was understood a&out the nature of Eastern spiritualit# and the ine"ita&le opening of the heart to long &uried emotions, in$luding lo"e, 5ealous#, anger, and the more refined states of &liss and e$stas# that de"elop out of lo"e, #et the western mind needed to ha"e a framework imposed in order for the &us# mind to 5udge e"er#thing% !he# imposed old rules on a new t#pe of relationship% Other issues arose su$h as mone#, donations, "olunteering time and energ# for the sake of the
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sangha, tea$her and tea$hings% E"er#where apparent a&uses were found, &e$ause the western model of $harging for e"er#thing was not used, &ut instead the eastern $on$ept of the tea$her taking $are of the student?s spiritual de"elopment, and the student?s dut# was taking $are of the tea$her?s worldl# needs% Man# opined that tea$hers were taking ad"antage of the students% Again, to me these were $onsenting adults, and often the gi"ing &# the students had so man# strings atta$hedE it was more like a $onditional loan &ased on a Q0 page $ontra$t% !hen, in 1PP/ I had m# first awakening experien$es and e"er#thing $hanged% I withdrew from life% I didn?t $are a&out the world an#more% I 5ust kept looking inside m#self finding a stillness and Cuietness e"er#whereAthe pea$eful "oid, as well as the great "oid, whi$h I ultimatel# was, &ut whi$h $ould not &e per$ei"ed or experien$ed, &e$ause it was >I?% 9or #ears I withdrew and a&ided in emptiness% I was happ#, pea$eful, and I &egan tea$hing others that the world was illusion, go within to find #our true nature% +ut after 1G #ears, $ons$iousness threw me a hard&all% 'ons$iousness sent me someone to lo"e%
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I was opened like a tin $an and flooded &# emotions% I was flooded &# lo"e, lo"e long &uried and unfelt manifested all the time% Other feelings arose, 5ealous#, anger, fear, et$%, and o"erwhelming positi"e energies that permeated m# entire &eing% I was filled with 5o# all the time% E"en when depression or a sense of desolation &roke through into awareness, there was still an underl#ing happiness and $ontentment% Energies $oursed &oth through m# &od# and through m# larger sense of presen$e% In the words of Muktananda, :I had $ome ali"e%; G <es, emotions were there, huge, positi"e and negati"e, &ut the# were tame and mild things $ompared to m# experien$es of O0 #ears &efore when emotions $ould tear me apart% Emptiness, the Moid, and an energized sense of presen$e $ontained e"er#thing% Emotions 5ust arose and passed awa# without &lo$kage---not an instantaneous transformation, &ut one that o$$urred o"er six or eight months or so% !his is when I &egan to make e"er#thing personal again% It is as if m# personalit# had &e$ome re&orn, re-energized% Rather than 5ust wat$hing emotions pass through me, 5o# pass through me, 5ealous# pass
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through me, lo"e pass through me, the# &e$ame mine and I owned them% E"er#thing &e$ame personal% E"er#thing &e$ame more real, more immediate, and more ali"e% +ut more than that, e"er# idea I had e"er had a&out the nature of the spiritual ad"enture and path dropped awa#% I no longer had an# ideas or 5udgments a&out it% I was $ompletel# open to what was happening in the moment, to e"er#thing arising within m#self and &etween me and m# &elo"ed, in$luding the experien$e that there was no differen$e &etween us% !here is no differen$e &etween me and all of #ou out there% 4o differen$e whatsoe"er% I lo"e #ou all as m#self% I am free to &e ordinar# and not lo$ked into the notion of alwa#s &eing in an e$stati$ Samadhi, or fo$used 5ust on the Moid, either the Moid I experien$e, or the Moid that I am, whi$h $an?t &e experien$ed in the $on"entional wa#% I am now also free to die, to let the &od# drop awa# without regret, for e"er# moment I li"e m# life with no set of rules other than to follow m# heart and intuition at e"er# moment% !his is what I tr# to tea$h all of #ou% )rop all of #our ideas a&out what awakening is like, what the tea$her3student relation is supposed to &e, what
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duties #ou still ha"e post-awakening, post awakening paths and pro&lems, et$% All these things will happen to #ou, awakening, &liss, lo"e, et$%, the more Cui$kl# #ou drop #our wondering what it is and 5ust fo$us seeing and en5o#ing #oursel"es and others to whom #ou relate% Mind, opinions, theories, 5udgments, and self $he$king are the wa# the mind pre"ents #our freedom% !he post awakening path reall# is to &e$ome #ou, 5ust the wa# #ou were &efore awakening, &ut en5o#ing #ourself full# and $ompletel#% !here are no faults, no mistakes% <ou are fine the wa# #ou are with all the emotions that might arise, in$luding guilt, anger, 5ealous# and e"en hatred, &e$ause the emotions that arise are now tame and $alm affairs $ompared to #our experien$e O0 #ears &efore% !he feelings are wel$omed as signs of life% Lo"e is wel$omed and readil# expressed% <ou ha"e now found the path for the rest of #our life( &e$oming the most in$redi&le #ou possi&le, not someone else?s idea of enlightenment or proper relationships% <ou ha"e &e$ome li&erated to &e &e$ome #ourself full#, to &e eCuall# $omforta&le and identified with the "oid, lo"e, sadness, depression, &liss, e$stas# or e"en desolation%
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<ou fear nothing, not lo"e nor loss of lo"e, not emotions nor loss of emotions, not life nor the loss of life% All phenomena $ome and go and #ou wel$ome them with 5o# and see them pass with 5o#% <ou are free, &ut not like Ramana in a pea$eful withdrawal, &ut free e"en while full# em&ra$ing ordinar# life, 5ust as Maezumi told m# $lass &# throwing his arms open and exposing his heart, 5ust &reathing is 5o#, is ,enE is life=
.en#o, /t% 0al#y .en !enter%
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The 3cstasies of 7omen

I 5ust wat$hed the whole pro$ess of what is going on in me and put some notes down% A wa"e $omes o"er me% It@s a heat wa"e and m# first thought is - that@s Ed5i, he is with me% *reat 5o# arises, thrill spreads throughout m# &od#% I start witnessing the wa"e getting stronger and stronger% It is first felt in the na"el area or solar plexus &ut it mo"es upward and stops in m# heart area% I start feeling an in$reasing lo"e and gratitude for #our presen$e% !hat Cui$kl# grows into an e$stati$ feeling, almost $limaxing% !here is great pressure in m# heart and a push for an opening% !he energ# remains there and m# heart is full and thro&&ingE like an in$omplete orgasm 5ust waiting to &e awakened again to fulfill itself% !hen a se$ond wa"e $omes, a stronger one% M# whole &od# now parti$ipates% It is flooded with e$stati$ sensations% I &e$ome hotE again, and again% It &e$omes almost un&eara&le% In"oluntar# m# &reath stops in an attempt to sustain the height of the Orgasm, to make it $ontinuous% It is a mira$le, the most amazing thing I ha"e e"er experien$ed% O$$asionall#, there would &e a $omplete orgasmE great relief whi$h spreads all o"er m# &od#% Lea$e then en"elops me% I am now in meditation% M#
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thoughts slow down% !he fo$us is now on m# third e#e area% M# whole head feels "er# tight, as if I ha"e a helmet on it% I then start sinking, down, down into stillness -although I do ha"e random thoughts.% At this point it is mostl# wat$hing or feeling of m# &od# tingling in a pleasura&le wa#% I am at rest% Eds Response Ah, #ou had Shaktipat e"en without an# tou$hing% 6ust lookE the rarest of the rare% Ad"aita does not re$ognize the guru as a doer, e"en though remarka&le things happen e"er#where as with #ou% It is $ons$iousness itself that appears to &e rea$hing through and expressing through our entire Sangha and our lineage% I ha"e found this to &e a "er# $ommon happening amongst the women in our international Sangha, and it is mu$h more rare among our men% !he wa# of +hakti is Cuite spe$ta$ular in a few who experien$e wa"es of e$stas#, &liss, and in$reasing full &od# orgasms arising spontaneousl#, unsought, almost as a reward for their lo"e of me or others in the Sangha% As ones awareness gets e"er $loser to the &liss le"el of Self, !uri#a, there de"elops extremel# unusual states of e"er flowing lo"e that feels like a ri"er arising from within, starting a few in$hes &elow the heart,
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then upwards through the heart into the ne$k, mouth and upwards through the $rown 'hakra% !his lo"e is experien$ed in man# different wa#s as lo"e seems to ha"e man# fla"ors or tastes( sometimes it is e$stati$, sometimes felt like a $ool &reezeE sometimes it is experien$ed as a fragran$e, sometimes the flowing lo"e goes into the heart and fills #ou up until #ou feel #ou are going to explode in the &liss of a whole &od# orgasm% Sexual feelings &egin flowing too, filling the &odies of &oth men and women with almost unimagina&le pleasure and lo"e% It happened with me and $ontinues% !he di"ine &liss of the +elo"ed, the Self, flows into the &od#, re"italizing itE filling #ou with wa"es of e$stas# whi$h $an last for da#s% Sometimes the pleasure is so great that a few among us ma# lose their minds so to speak for weeks at a time% !hese wa"es of pleasure and ri"ers of lo"e &e$ome in$reasingl# extended experien$es and foreshadow the arising of the Self in an explosi"e Self-Realization experien$e that literall# renders the remaining personalit# as di"ine, for e"er#thing is permeated &# &liss and lo"e%
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Bnfortunatel#, these wa"es of lo"e and &liss a$$ompanied &# almost endless whole &od# orgasms are alwa#s followed &# periods of a return to the ordinar# world, followed &# periods of intense negati"e emotions, hostilit#, fears and 5ealous#% +ut this has to happen #ou see% !his mo"ement towards self is $#$li$E the good and &ad are intertwined% E"entuall# though, one awakens to the fa$t that e"en underneath the most paranoid delusion, underneath the ps#$hoti$ $ore &eing reli"ed, is the Self, is &liss and e$stas#, and orgasms% !he Self is rewarding the &od#, so to speak, and en$ouraging the su&5e$t e"er onwards to deeper le"els of de"otion and surrender, and with it $omes a full a$$eptan$e of one?s ps#$hoti$ parts and one?s wild sexualit# whi$h makes #ou feel like a tiger% All $on"entions are &lown awa#% All $on$epts are "aporized in one?s &liss &eing, and #ou &e$ome utterl# self-assured and free from an#one else?s $on$epts, in$luding e"entuall# e"en those of #our guru, for #ou #ourself ha"e $ome into #ourself, as the Self of all% !his +hakti$ path $om&ined with !antri$ elements is wild and the faint hearted need not appl#%
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The ,ifficulty of Awakening

I will &e honest with #ou% It is almost impossi&le to awaken% !he wa# $an &e so diffi$ult, so filled with distra$tions, and our minds are designed to fight freedom% Our identities are mostl# $omplete &# the age of se"en% !he time &etween &irth and se"en $reates the stru$ture of our knowledge, our identities, and is made up of all the stories and fair# tales told to us at s$hool and in our families% 'ulture forms our desiresE we li"e in these storiesE the# &e$ome us and our world% e feel something is wrong with the world% It is too ugl#, there is too mu$h pain, too man# wars, too mu$h killingE ten &illion animals killed ea$h #ear 5ust to feed Ameri$ans% e see in$reasingl# $orrupted politi$ians and &usinesses% e see e"er#one operates from a position of greed and poisonous rea$ti"it#% And, we want out% e don?t want to li"e in this world% !his was Ro&ert Adams struggle% Fe did not fitE the world was too awful% Fe struggled with this realization for o"er a #ear% !hen one da# he had a great realization, a pre$ursor to his awakening experien$e three #ears later% Fe $ame to the realization that neither his &od# nor the world was real% !he# were stories $reated &# the mind that
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o"erlaid deeper la#ers of $ons$iousness% I reall# do not know what Ro&ert did in those three #ears, whether he explored those la#ers or not% +ut I do know he was a trou&led &o#% Fe was hard to handle% !he $onfli$ts he saw tore him apart, and then he awakened at age 1Q% <ou $an read his trans$ripts to find his expression of his awakening% Most of us are also this wa#% e feel something wrong% 4othing seems right% e start looking and sear$hing for the truth of realit#% Mostl# we read, then we learn a&out meditation, #oga, prana#ama, karma #oga, $hanting and gurus, and a few start a spiritual pra$ti$e, and a "er# few &e$ome o&sessed with finding truth% !he# are &oth the lu$k# ones and the $ursed% hat is awakeningD <ou ha"e to see that the definition "aries from tea$her to tea$her &ased on their own experien$es% !here are endless awakenings% Some find union with *od &# &e$oming empt#E some find union &# gi"ing themsel"es awa# in lo"e% Some &e$ome empt#, some &e$ome full% Some &e$ome hum&le and a$$epting, others &e$ome filled with dri"ing energ# to make the world &etter% !he ,en master, 6oshu, said he had thousands of small awakenings and 1H mind-&usting ones%
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So what is awakening for meD It is a gradual pro$ess of losing our minds and identities as humans, as small frail, mortal &odies, and &e$oming aware of deeper identities found in nothingness and lo"e% At what point $an we $onsider oursel"es awakenedD !his is for ea$h to determine for him or herself, and ma#&e as in the *reat !radition, sear$h out masters for $onfirmation as did Ro&ert for o"er 1H #ears% Fis $onstant sadhana was to tra"el from tea$her to tea$her to see, as he said, :If I had missed an#thing%; Ro&ert e"en had an awakening experien$e at age G8, the #ear &efore he died% 4oti$e, Ro&ert did not start guru shopping until after he awakened, not &efore% +ut what does it take to awakenD 9irst, it takes a &urning desire to &e free, immense energ#, unstoppa&le energ#E an energ# that appears to tear the &od# apart, lea"es it &urning and sometimes lea"es one desperate for relief from the energies% It takes an immense will to es$ape from the illusion and to see the truth% It takes an awakened intelligen$e so as to not &e trapped &# false tea$hings and false gurus, in$luding our own delusions and pre$on$eptions%
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It takes a single-minded pra$ti$e, su$h as some form of meditation or self-inCuir#, or a&iding in the >I Am? and learning to lo"e the >I Am?, whi$h is m# wa#% It reall#, reall# helps to &e with a tea$her who has had man# awakening experien$es, e"en if he or she is not the m#thi$al, :!otall# Enlightened; &eing% !o this I &ring in the $on$ept from self-ps#$holog#, whi$h states that #ou don?t ha"e to ha"e had perfe$t parents or a perfe$t earl# en"ironment in order to &e a wellfun$tioning human &eing% <ou onl# ha"e had to ha"e a :good enough; mother and father, and a :good enough; en"ironment% !he same with #our tea$her, if #ou are lu$k# enough to &e open to one% Fe or she onl# needs to &e :good enough; for #our pla$e on #our path and #our needs% <ou know, there are so man# people steeped in positi"e thinking patterns whi$h the# a$$ept as the wa# to truth, that the# think e"er#thing is unfolding perfe$tl#, and all tea$hers are eCuall# good for whate"er student the# are with% As some sa#, the entire uni"erse is $onspiring to wake ea$h indi"idual up% !his is su$h Loll#ani$ nonsense% !his is the wa# the# wish it to &e, &e$ause then e"er#thing is ok, from mass murders, wars, meat eating, plague and spiritual frauds% It 5ust is not so% <ou ha"e to &e as $areful in the spiritual marketpla$e as an#where else, &e$ause
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frauds and deluded gurus are e"er#where% <ou ha"e to &e intelligent and sensiti"e to es$ape these traps% Mi$hael Langford wrote a &ook titled, !he Most Rapid and )ire$t Means to Eternal +liss% It is reall# a great &ook for those who are read# to drop e"er#thing and &egin a life of endless meditation on Self% +ut #ou ha"e to trust him and his methodE otherwise dou&ts will finall# end this path for #ou% +ut so "er#, "er# few will follow this path% Most will &urn out &efore rea$hing the goal, or the# will read another &ook that will $hange their mind, and the# will &egin a new pra$ti$e% Ro&ert?s final ad"i$e to me was, :Lersisten$e is e"er#thing%; +# that he means to gain awakening, and to &uild a sangha% Lersisten$e is e"er#thing% )o not despair if #ou ha"e not awakened after O0 #ears% 6ust keep tr#ing% 9or those who persist, the# tend, as the &ase&all pla#er who pra$ti$es eight hours a da#, to get lu$kier and lu$kier so far as spiritual awakenings are $on$erned% Students Response: !hank #ou for #our words of en$ouragement% I find it heartening to hear from #our lips that it is almost impossi&le to awaken% !hanks for sa#ing it as it is, &e$ause it is so damn hard sometimes% It@s like riding a raindrop and hoping it rea$hes the o$ean% I often
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da#dream that people who ha"e awakened are stunned that the# ne"er saw what was in front of their noses their whole life, that the truth is so glaringl# o&"ious in giant neon lights all round them, all the time, &ut the# missed it $ompletel#% I imagine that the truth is within and without me all the time &ut I am not tuned to that freCuen$# and simpl# $annot see or feel it% It is e"er#thing, &ut III is a "er# deep and dark filter that will not let an# of the light of truth through% I get glimpsesE then the filter $loses up Cui$kl#% >I? is prote$ting >I?% I $an onl# understand what >I? $reates% I know there is a pla$e and time where the >I? exists &efore it had had time to $reate an#thing% I ha"e to make friends with, understand and deepl# lo"e that @I Am@% I learn that @I Am@ doesn@t exist either, #et I ha"e to dis$o"er that for m#self%%%#ou $ouldn@t make it up% If it was a mo"ie plot no one would &elie"e it was $redi&le% A salmon has lo$ked awa# deep somewhere the faint tra$es of the taste of the fresh water from where it was &orn and it 5ourne#s thousands of miles without a map &a$k to that first home% It gets #ou thinking, it?s nearl# impossi&le &ut not $ompletel#%
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*unting the I and the 7itness

'orre$t pra$ti$e of self-inCuir# is so important that I feel a need to arti$ulate its m#riad wa#s, &e$ause su$$essful methods are su&tle indeed% One $an pra$ti$e unsu$$essful self-inCuir# for a long time &e$ause #ou ha"e no idea of what #ou are looking for% !herefore, I will explain the "arious methods hoping that one wa# or another will $onne$t with those trul# interested in pra$ti$e% Some people are a&le to feel a sense of >I Am? almost immediatel# upon introspe$tion and others not% One is &# nature, naturall# introspe$ti"e or not% !o do self-inCuir#, one either has the talent or learns it &# pra$ti$e% !he same holds true for ps#$hotherap#% !hose who are a&le to look within and IseeI internal, imaginal o&5e$ts and emotions will do well in talk therap#, while those who la$k this skill, will not% Fowe"er, one $an learn this skill through repeated efforts to Ilook withinI the imaginal spa$es of the &od# and mind% !he pro&lem is, a lot of people do not experien$e an >I Am? feeling or sensation and therefore ha"e nothing to work with% !he# look :inside themsel"es; and find onl# darkness, or the# find a m#riad of phenomena, su$h as inner light displa#s, thoughts, images, memories, &od# sensations, arising energies,
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et$%, and don?t ha"e a $lue as to whi$h is the >I Am? phenomena to &e $on$entrated on% !he# are lost in a forest of sensations and per$eptions and ha"e no sense of >I? or >I Am?%S1U If #ou look at the diagram representing $ons$iousness earlier in this &ook, #ou see $ons$iousness represented as ha"ing four le"els% !his is onl# a metaphor &e$ause the# are not le"els in a spatial sense, &ut are le"els in terms of what $an &e experien$ed in the totalit# of one?s inner spiritual mansion% It is not e"en a matter of in$reasing su&tlet#, so mu$h as #ou will find that towards whi$h #our attention is dire$ted% If #ou want to find the >I Am,? #ou will% !he same holds true for finding the itness, the looker or the A&solute% And, if #ou ha"e made up #our mind after reading 4eo-Ad"aitin &ooks, #ou will not find either an >I Am? or the A&soluteE #ou will onl# find the top le"el of $ons$iousness, the &od#3world le"el and will not go deeper% !he 4eo-Ad"aitins urge #ou to look within and tell #ou that no matter how mu$h #ou sear$h inside #ou will not find a >me,? or an I-entit#% On$e #ou realize what the# sa#, #ou will understand a m#riad of things su$h as( the totalit# of existen$e is oneness, there is no inner and outer di"ision of $ons$iousness, and the &od# and other o&5e$ts in $ons$iousness are of the same $hara$ter as $ons$iousness itselfE dreamstuff%
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On the other hand, Sri 4isargadatta Mahara5, Siddharameshwar, and I dire$t #ou to look within for the >I-feeling,? the >I-sense,? and when found, 5ust rest in it and lo"e the sensation, and this will take #ou ine"ita&l# to the Self% h# the "ast differen$e in experien$e and understanding of these two :s$hools; of thought( the 4eo-Ad"aitins and the more $lassi$al Ad"aitins, su$h as 4isargadatta and Ramana MaharshiD !here are three differen$es( !he 4eo-Ad"aitins do not :&elie"e; in deeper or more su&tle le"els of $ons$iousness as do the $lassi$al Ad"aitins, and estern )epth ps#$holog#% !he# appear less $apa&le of introspe$tion or inner work, &eing more on the surfa$e of $ons$iousness% !heir :inner; work appears restri$ted to a sense of inner-seeing as their seeking is essentiall# "isual as opposed to ta$tile, kinestheti$, or feeling% On the other hand, 4isargadatta, and those who find the >I Am? sense or feeling easil#, are far more kinestheti$% !hese people ha"e an a&ilit# to feel emotions and inner energies, 7undalini, 'hi and Lrana, whi$h are entirel# in"isi&le to the 4eo-Ad"aitins% !hese people are on fire so to speak, easil# mo"ed &# emotions, lo"e, de"otion, empath# for another, and the# ha"e eas# a$$ess to a world of phenomena that are fore"er in"isi&le to the 4eo-Ad"aitins unless gra$e
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des$ends on them and the# ha"e an opening to the >I Am? and Self, or if the# tire of the emptiness of their superfi$ial realization and de$ide to renew their efforts to explore the inner world% Let us assume #ou are not a 4eo-Ad"aitin, or are a reformed one and #ou de$ide to go deeper% !he 4eos ha"e dis$o"ered that there is no inner o&5e$t we $an $all an >I? or a >me? when looking within, and take this dis$o"er# as the end of the sear$h% !here is 5ust $ons$iousness with no distin$tions of inner or outer, o&5e$ti"e or su&5e$ti"e% E"er#thing is a flat :su$hness; or :knowingness%; !he# will not &e $on"in$ed otherwise, &e$ause that is &oth their understanding and their experien$e% Assuming #ou are &etter a&le to introspe$t than the 4eos, means #ou ha"e a &etter a$$ess to emotions, inner images, internal &od# sensations, and the inner energies su$h as 7undalini% !his is the le"el Siddharameshwar $alls the Su&tle +od#E it is an ante$ham&er to the Self% !he deepest le"el of $ons$iousness, !uri#a, or the Self, $an &e experien$ed in this Su&tle +od# le"el as the :feeling; or sensation of @I Am@, usuall# first felt as an energ# field near the ph#si$al heart% !hat energ#, when found and a&ided in, de"elops into a sense of presen$e, a kind of energ# field that surrounds the &od# and rea$hes out into the en"ironment%
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9ollowing the >I Am? feeling will take #ou ine"ita&l# to the Self, 5ust &# resting #our attention in that sensation, a&iding there, and deli&eratel# la"ishing affe$tion on the >I Am?% Lo"e the >I Am?, for it is #our own true Self leaking through to this less su&tle, or more ph#si$al le"el of #our existen$e% A&iding in the >I Am? is the dire$t road to Self-Realization whi$h will $ulminate in an explosi"e realization of the Self within #ou as the Other, &ut also #our own self as a phenomenon, as opposed to #our own Self as witness, or the A&solute% !his is a most important distin$tion( there is a differen$e &etween the >I Am? feeling and Self, and the looker, the final itness, the A&solute whi$h is entirel# &e#ond $ons$iousness% It is entirel# &e#ond existen$e% It is entirel# &e#ond the >I Am?% It is :like; an in"isi&le, intangi&le, unmanifest entit# looking from outside of $ons$iousness to the inner pla# of $ons$iousness, interested in the pla#, &ut &asi$all# not tou$hed &# it% On the other hand, the Self is the deepest or most su&tle le"el of $ons$iousness whose $hara$ter is the a&ilit# to know% Its other $hara$teristi$ is pure lo"e% !his lo"e3knowingness, $om&ined with the "oid nature of the $ausal &od# pro"ides the $ontainer for all experien$e at the Su&tle +od# and ph#si$al &od# le"els% hen the Self emerges and presents itself to
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itself, through #ou, who is also the Self, and the mind, and the ph#si$al &od#, and the A&solute, it is experien$ed as di"ine energ#, di"ine lo"e, explosi"e Shakti and 7undalini energies, and a sense of o"erwhelming gra$e, of &eing held &# a di"ine presen$e whi$h appears as :Other,; *od, &ut is also oneself% At this point, after one has first experien$ed or realized the Self, one is read# to pursue the final step( finding the looker or itness, or A&solute% 4isargadatta is Cuite $lear in his dire$tion( follow the >I Am? senseE a&ide thereE lo"e the >I Am? sense and it will release #ou, meaning #ou ha"e left the identifi$ation with $ons$iousness &ehind, and now identif# with the looker, the A&solute% 4ow this is the order I re$ommend( find and a&ide in the >I Am? to most Cui$kl# get to an initial SelfRealization experien$eE then sink &a$k into the looker( &e$ome the looker wat$hing $ons$iousness and feel that the $ons$iousness is not #ou% I do not mean to tr# to generate that feeling of separateness, &ut #ou will feel there is something alien in the experien$e of $ons$iousness whi$h makes it not #ou% !aking this position, re$ognizing #our Self as the unpertur&a&le A&solute, is the $lassi$al enlightenment experien$e of the 6nani -master of the wisdom traditions.%
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!he path to the A&solute through the looker, or su&5e$t, is the wa# of the 6nani% !he path to SelfRealization through the >I Am?, is the wa# of the +hakti, the de"otional% In the latter path, awareness of the >I Am? $reates the sense of presen$e, the sense of ownership, of me, throughout the experiential world of &od#, mind, and emotions% !his is a state of feeling like #ou are utterl# #ourself with nothing to do, nowhere to goE utterl# $omplete and at rest% <ou are now a wat$her, e"er#thing $omes to #ou and #ou either wel$ome it or are indifferent to it% 4isargadatta $ompares it to alwa#s &eing underneath a shade tree on a hot da#% !here is no impetus to mo"e or do an#thing ex$ept rest in #ourself as itness !he A&solute is also $alled the noumenal -of the philosoph# of Immanuel 7ant., or the Bnmanifest ><ou,? or the Bn&orn ><ou?% Bntou$hed &# $ons$iousness, it $annot &e killed, $ut, &urned, or &ound &# an#thing in the world or sentien$e% Sentien$e, knowingness, is entirel# of the 4ature of $ons$iousness% !he A&solute, the itness, is the prin$iple that knows &oth knowingness and unknowing, or the final Moid of nothingness% Fowe"er, at some point #ou realize that this $ons$iousness, whi$h appears as a guest to #ou as the
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A&solute, is as mu$h ><ou? as ><ou? are the witness% <ou ha"e the luxur# of identif# with all of :it,; from #our position as the A&solute, and also the Self, and also the "arious "oids, to the most superfi$ial le"el of #our human existen$e% It is all #ou= <ou are e"er#thing and nothing% <ou are free to identif# with e"er#thing in or out of existen$e, or a small part of existen$e, like a 5ealous rage% <ou are &oth &e#ond e"er#thing, &ut also totall# human, feeling the full range of human emotions, desires, and understandings, &ut also an entit# that is now $apa&le of exploring le"els of #our humanhood that #ou were not strong enough or su&tle enough to explore &efore% <ou $an now explore all the parts of #ou that were denied and repressed from infan$# to &e$oming an adult% 4ow #ou $an own e"er#thing in #ou that was &uried or repressed &# famil# and so$iet#% <our spiritual freedom of identifi$ation now &e$omes a power to free #ourself and others from the $on"entions and restri$tions of so$iet#, whi$h are reall# repressions of #our irrepressi&le human spirit% At this point #ou $an &e$ome an :A"adhut,; a wild man or woman that to the unawakened, appear to &e madmen or women, out of $ontrol, un$on"entional, unpredi$ta&le, a "irtual tiger shredding the &ounds of famil# and so$iet#% At this point #ou pass &e#ond the need for the respe$t and lo"e that dri"e most people
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and &e$ome totall# #our irrepressi&le self, a$ting from the heart, not the mind or from $on"ention, and this >heart? is not a Lill#E it is a terror= It a$ts onl# to free others in wa#s others do not understand% <ou &egin to in$ur the wrath of so$iet# and the $on"entional% <ou &e$ome an out$ast, deemed dangerous &# those who $annot see deepl# who #ou are or what #ou are doing% In a future &ook I will explore all the inner phenomena that one ma# experien$e &# going within, in$luding the looker, the Self, and all sorts of &uried treasures as well as repressed ugliness, hurt, rage and humiliation, that on$e seen and owned, &e$ome pure power% <ou will find all the energies and &liss that #ou $ould e"er want to experien$e, that will enli"en and entertain #ou% <ou will find 5o# and $ompletion &e#ond an#thing #ou ha"e e"er dreamed of, &ut likewise, #ou will find unimagina&le le"els of pain, loss, loathing, humiliation and &rokenness that has &een repressed &ut now has to &e own and integrated%
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3motional Truth
!hirt# #ears ago I was engaged in dialogue with the leading transpersonal resear$hers of that time, 7en il&er and )an +rown among others% !he de&ate was whether there were de"elopmental phases that an indi"idual passes through &efore the# $ould :trans$end; the >ego?% 9or de$ades 9reud and the self and o&5e$t relations theorists, like inno$ott, *untrip, 7ohut, 7lein et al, had postulated that the infant and $hild passed through phases or de"elopmental :$rises; on the wa# to de"eloping a $ohesi"e sense of self% !he transpersonal ps#$hologists opined that those who ha"e su$$essfull# de"eloped a :health#; sense of self $an later e"ol"e to a point of self-trans$enden$e, oneness, et$%, as manifest in persons like Ramana Maharshi% Later, il&er lat$hed onto Adi )a, who talked a&out different stages of trans$enden$e% All the transpersonal theorists were of the opinion that the de"elopmental seCuen$e, the $rises and resolutions were seCuential, and #ou $ould not :skip; a step% !hat is, #ou had to ha"e de"eloped a strong ego, or se$ure sense of self -the# are different in $on$ept., &efore #ou $ould trans$end the ego and su$$essfull# and permanentl# &e$ome enlightened%
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I disagreed, &elie"ing, &ased on m# own experien$e, that there was no ego, no I-entit#, so how $ould it e"ol"eD hat I felt e"ol"ed, was not the ego, &ut "arious su& pro$esses that were supposed to $omprise the ego, su$h as the a&ilit# to learn a language or mathemati$s, the a&ilities to $ope with stress, as well as the de"elopment of "arious ego defenses, whi$h were a$tuall# pro$esses that dire$ted attention, awareness of the de"eloping person?s $ons$iousness% !hat is, $ons$iousness itself was e"ol"ing and $reating the indi"idual, not the other wa# around% I held at that time that mu$h of spiritualit# in terms of &eliefs and pra$ti$es were a$tuall# defenses against un$ontrolled emotions and fears, $ons$ious wa#s of a"oiding the human $ondition% In this wa#, I agreed with that portion of the >transpersonalists? "iewpoints% !hat is, spiritualit#, self-in"estigations, meditation, 5apa, pra#er, &elief in *od, et$%, all reall# $ould &e defenses against feeling unwanted, frightening, disa&ling emotions and fears, and su$h pra$ti$es, without a se$ure Self would ne"er result in awakening% I do &elie"e that identifi$ation with either the :witness; or with the "arious states of emptiness and Moids is so easil# turned into defenses against &eing human%
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Among our Sangha there are at least fi"e people who, &e$ause of their d#sfun$tional up&ringing, did not find suffi$ient lo"e in their li"es, and thus turned to *od for their sour$e of lo"e% Some often talked to *od as a person, or 6esus, and &egan to feel the lo"e of this inner entit# the# regarded as more real and permanent than an# parent or an# human $ould e"er &e, and often this attitude and &elief persists until the end of one?s life% !he entit# takes on an inner existen$e and one lo"es oneself through this inner, di"ine o&5e$t, that is :permanent; and trans$endent, and thus a&solutel# safe and se$ure, that is, until the ine"ita&le )ark 4ight of the soul where one loses one?s faith in that inner, permanent o&5e$t% It is so mu$h more diffi$ult to lo"e a real, li"ing &eing, &e$ause nothing is guaranteed with su$h a lo"e, or su$h a dependen$# and neediness% *od is so mu$h more relia&le, and 6esus too, &e$ause so man# people share &elief in &oth, or +uddha, or someone who li"es on after death% !hat is, *od and 6esus, +uddha, et$%, are a$$epted, institutionalized existen$es that gain $redi&ilit# through their wide a$$eptan$e% Leople and animals die% Leople $an &etra# #ou &# either d#ing ph#si$all#, or their lo"e for #ou will die and someone else, more &eautiful, smarter, ri$her, :&etter; will $ome along and that lo"e is taken awa# and gi"en to another%
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Some people want a&solute se$urit# &efore the# will lo"e deepl#, &ut there is no su$h se$urit# an#where% hen m# $at, Sat$hitananda -Sat$hi., died of kidne# disease after a G month &attle in 1PPH, I &e$ame lost in an endless depression that lasted Q #ears or so% Ro&ert died that same #ear whi$h exa$er&ated m# depression, and onl# an experimental medi$ation for depression &rought me out of it in 5ust a few weeks in O001% After G weeks I was free of depression, &ut also o"er the su&seCuent #ears I dis$o"ered I was :free; of A4< strong affe$t% !he antidepressant a$ted as a mood :modulator; that not onl# pre"ented depression, &ut also pre"ented 5o# or e"en strong lo"e% It was onl# after getting off that medi$ation that it was possi&le to $ome ali"e, for I was also lost in the Moid and witness, in pea$e, rest, &ut with no ex$itement% So, what I ha"e learned is that nothing in the human $ondition is se$ure, safe, or permanent% !hose who I lo"e the most, whether animal or human, $an lea"e at an# time, through death or $hange of mind% !o reall# :&enefit; from the gift of ha"ing a human &od#, heart and $ons$iousness, we must not fear to lo"e another totall#, $ompletel#, 100X e"en though the# ma# lea"e tomorrow% !o fail to lo"e &e$ause that lo"e is risk# means our lo"e will alwa#s
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&e trun$ated% e must &e willing to lo"e and lose rather than to not lo"e, or onl# lo"e in se$ure situations, otherwise there is so mu$h held &a$k, and though we ma# feel open, we ha"e onl# opened 80X or so, and then we $lose down so Cui$kl# at the slightest sign of potential a&andonment% M# life until ma#&e 1P80 was one lo"e affair after another, &ut onl# a rare one sta#ed% !here would &e great lo"e, &ut then the lo"er would go awa#% Lart of it was who I $hose to lo"e% It was so eas# for me to fall in lo"e with a woman or an animal, &ut I found su$h mutual openness "er# rare in humans% I also heard from m# therapist of se"en #ears, a great genius of the mind and emotions, Eri$ Reitz that when there is su$h wide emotional openness, the relationships usuall# explode and dissipate in an ex$ess of emotional intensit#% !he more usual relationship is where one lo"er lo"es the other more $ompletel# and intensel#, and the su$$essful relationships are where the roles of most lo"ed $hange e"er# so often and a &alan$e is a$hie"ed% I ha"e &een reall# lu$k# in the last few #ears to ha"e found people who are $apa&le of going deeper into lo"e and openness without so mu$h running, and I in"ite all of #ou to tr# to do the same within our Sangha and among #oursel"es with the lo"ed ones in #our life%
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+e$ause, unless #ou are full# $apa&le of tolerating intolera&le emotional pain, intolera&l# intense lo"e, intolera&l# intense feelings of risk and inse$urit#, intolera&le fears of loss, intolera&le distrust, intolera&le 5ealous#, intolera&le sadness, and intolera&le fear of death, stoi$all#, from a se$urit# within oneself, #ou will ne"er, e"er &e free% !o this end, meditation helps to :grow; one?s inner sense of emptiness that a$ts as a huge $ontainer for the fearful dragons of death and dissolution, of intense feelings, and as a $onduit to allow them to pass through #our existen$e, easil#, without sti$king and hurting so mu$h% I will speak to this truth in$reasingl# from this da# forwards%
0a 4olla.
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7e Are Also *uman 4eings

e had an interesting Satsang #esterda#% e mo"ed in an entirel# new dire$tion% Rather than talking a&out the Moid, spiritual &odies, le"els of $ons$iousness, meditation, et$%, or how nothing #ou do will e"er result in awakening, we explored lo"e, loneliness, and fear dire$tl# in se"eral parti$ipants in our group% e are so man# things% e are $ons$iousness, the a&stra$t awareness within $ons$iousness, the pristine, &right $larit# state, the witness, the Self% +ut we are also human &eings with our wants, needs, and most &uried and un$ons$ious pasts and "ulnera&ilities that determine who we are and how we a$t e"en toda#% Most often, flight to the IA&solute,I to the Iwitness,I or to Ipure lo"e,I are es$apes from the real, the underl#ing human existen$e in ea$h of us that ma# feel unseen, lost, $onfused, hurt and unlo"ed% I re$ei"ed an email to this effe$t #esterda#% It reads(IIs the point to remain in that farthest &a$k pla$e of non-5udging, non-thinking spa$e as freCuentl# as possi&leD I ha"e &een going &a$k and forth &etween the monaster# and li"ing within so$iet# during the past 2 #ears%
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At the monaster#, while doing zazen for Q hours a da#, I find remaining in that alert spa$e happens naturall# and often, &ut in a $ertain emotional wa# I feel dead% In so$iet# I do not generall# ha"e moti"ation for zazen, and &eing in that alert spa$e is sporadi$, &ut in a $ertain emotional wa# I again feel ali"e% I guess if m# goal is to &e -no. self-$ons$ious 100X of the time while also &e$oming a human &eing within so$iet#, does it work &etter to( A% Separate from so$iet# and pursue the ultimate un$easingl# until it is full# esta&lished, and then reenter so$iet# or, +% Li"e within so$iet# and make mu$h slower progress towards the ultimate, &ut perhaps get a head start on the pro$ess of &e$oming more humanD In addition, m# $urrent situation as a human is of &eing in $ollege, stud#ing s$ien$e, dan$e, outdoor re$reation, ps#$holog#, and ha"ing a lot of fun with $lu& sports and intera$ting with people m# age for a $hange% It seems impossi&le &oth to remain wat$hing from emptiness and in"ol"e m#self full# in $on"ersations and a$ti"ities% !he attention towards humanness and a&soluteness seem to pendulum &a$k and forth% I 5ust do not see how I $ould swing all the
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wa# o"er to a&soluteness without ha"ing to li"e in a $a"e &# m#self% 4or does it seem parti$ularl# desira&le or altruisti$ to extinguish one@s humanness in pursuit of the a&solute If a response is merited, do #ou ha"e an# ad"i$e for meD; Eds Response: IS !FIS 4O! !FE E!ER4AL S!RB**LEE !FE OS'ILLA!IO4 +E! EE4 A4!I4* 9BLL I4MOLMEME4! I4 LI9E, MERSBS !FE )ESIRE !O RB4 9ROM I! A4) RES! I4 !FE A+SOLB!ED 9reud $hara$terized this as the struggle &etween Eros, or lo"e and life, and !hanatos, the desire to die% Is this not what we struggle for when we tr# to awaken, to get awa# from the human $ondition to a pla$e of trans$enden$e and not &eing tou$hed &# lifeD Is this not what m# tea$her, Ro&ert Adams, was alwa#s talking a&out, not &eing tou$hed &# the world, that the world was not real, it is an illusion, do not in"ol"e #ourselfD On the other hand, modern $lini$al ps#$holog# takes an entirel# different ta$t, mo"ing us to an open em&ra$e of e"er#thing, &e$oming totall# human, feeling a full range of affe$t as well as our strengths and "ulnera&ilit# within the $ontext of ha"ing a &od#
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and a "er# fleeting existen$e &efore the :+ig Rest; of death% M# personal &elief is that we need to em&ra$e &oth( a$$epting our limitations, our humanit#, in$luding our "ulnera&ilities and neediness, &ut within the $ontext of the Emptiness and Moid from whi$h we $ame and to whi$h we will return% Sin$e I ha"e &een talking a&out the "oid for man# #ears, I de$ided now to mo"e the group to explore our human roots, the lost elements of our humanness, and SO MER< ELL )I) OBR *ROBL MOME= It was like magi$% !hree people mo"ed into long repressed and lost neediness, fear, loneliness and loss% !his is what one of the parti$ipants said a&out the experien$e( Student: Last night@s satsang was one of the most emotionall# purif#ing and profound e"ents I ha"e e"er &een a part of% 4o 5argon, no loft# spiritual $on$epts, no running from the worldE 5ust raw feeling, empath#, in"ol"ement and a deeper understanding of lo"e and what it means to &e full# human% Some ma# see what #ou are guiding us into as a departure, &ut I see it as a
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$ontinuation and deepening of the pro$ess where&# we &e$ome oursel"es%
3indu tem'le in Mali,u.
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On /uru )once+ts and Self$In6uiry

Student: M# Cuestion is a&out 5nani &eha"iors along Indian histor#% e heard a&out men who supposedl# were in this state and had different &eha"iors and life st#lesE some of them were hermits, others warriors like 7rishna or kings like 6anaka% E"en Ramana Maharshi said that self realization had nothing to do with samskaras% Fe also said this( I9or a realized person, the one who remains e"er in the Self, the loss of one or se"eral or all li"es in the world or in all the three worlds makes no differen$e% E"en if he happens to destro# them all, no sin $an tou$h su$h a pure soul% !hen Maharshi Cuoted the *ita, 'hapter 18, Merse 1HE @Fe who is free from the notion of ego, whose intelle$t is unatta$hed, though he annihilates all the worlds, he sla#eth not, nor is he &ound &# the results of his a$tions%? !he sage who knows the truth that the Self is indestru$ti&le will remain unaffe$ted e"en if fi"e million people are killed in his presen$e% Remem&er the ad"i$e of 7rishna to Ar5una on the &attlefield when disheartened &# the thought of the impending slaughter of relati"es on the opposing side%;
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'hadwi$k also made some $riti$isms of Ramana% Fe sa#s that Ramana used to $hew snuff -A pin$h of smokeless to&a$$o inhaled at a single time., and that when 'hadwi$k knew him he still $hewed &etel nut -'hadwi$k, 2/.% A more serious ethi$al short$oming is that $aste was o&ser"ed in the ashram dining room% On one side the +rahmins were seated, on the other side the rest% Ramana insisted on it -'hadwi$k, 2Q.% And Ramana seemed un$on$erned regarding orld ar II% Fe is reported to ha"e on$e remarked, : ho knows &ut that Fitler is a 6nani, a di"ine instrument%; -'hadwi$k, 2/.% Ramana seemed to &elie"e that a realized person was a&o"e ethi$al o&ligations of right and wrong% 9or the 5nani there is no good or e"il, onl# spontaneous a$ti"it# or a$tionless a$ti"it# of !ao( hat is right and wrongD !here is no standard &# whi$h to 5udge something to &e right and another to &e wrong% Opinions differ a$$ording to the nature of the indi"idual and a$$ording to the surroundings% !he# are again ideas and nothing more% )o not worr# a&out them% +ut get rid of thoughts% If #ou alwa#s remain in the right, then right will pre"ail in the world%; -!alks, QO8E 9e&% 8, 1P28.
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I ha"e mentioned all this &e$ause this Cuestion of &eha"iors sometimes gi"e me some distur&an$e, &e$ause I think that I should &e more good, more lo"ing and et$%% I alwa#s had the desire for the A&solute &ut I $annot see m# self as a :saint; who will offer the other :$heekI% I am sure Self Realization has nothing to do with sainthood% I would like to hear #our opinion on this su&5e$t% Ls( E"en Bg 7rishnamurti had said that the personalit# does not $hange% My Response: Some interesting points #ou raise% 9irst, &elie"e nothing #ou read in &ooks or hear a&out% !he answers #ou find there are from long dead gurus responding to spe$ifi$ Cuestions of long dead students, answering spe$ifi$all# for them, not for #ou and #our almost unformed Cuestion% )o not read too mu$h a&out how to inCuire into #ou, for are #ou not the one $losest to #ou, where #ou are and what #ou mean when #ou ask a CuestionD Ramana li"ed in a different world $ompletel#, H0 #ears ago% Fe was not of #our timeE his experien$es were different from #ours% !rust onl# #our own Self% !his is where trust should &e%
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!he point is for #ou #ourself to &e$ome SelfRealized, with whate"er IfaultsI #ou ma# think #ou should not ha"e% 6ust &e #ourselfE not how #ou think #ou should &e% !his means getting rid of so man# ideas of moralit# and proper &eha"ior% <ou will &e$ome more kind and $ompassionate, not less, &ut others ma# $riti$ize whate"er &eha"iors manifest in #ou, &ut #ou will not $are%
Satsang with Ed.
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More on 4eing *uman

I ha"e a dear friend with whom I was speaking toda# a&out neediness% She is fa$ing di"or$e and &eing independent, not ha"ing a man around to pro"ide se$urit#, take $are of household maintenan$e, et$% In addition, she was feeling neediness for someone she lo"es "er# mu$h, feeling it as an emptiness inside her $hest, a kind of su$king "oid that left her feeling weak, A4) fearful of losing him gi"en the intensit# of her neediness state whi$h triggered fears of loss and a&andonment% !o pre"ent feelings of impending annihilation, she $on5ured up feelings of guardedness, to attenuate the need# feelings% Fowe"er, she did not run from those neediness feelings, whi$h I told her were the ke# to remaining emotionall# open, and a$$epting of those feelings as ne$essar# for her full integration as a $omplete human &eing% :Sta# with the neediness;, I told her% 6ust do nothing and hang around in that feeling until it is 5ust another feeling, not something to guard against or run from% Lersonall#, I lo"e the neediness feeling, the feeling of a su$king "oid in the $hest, feeling small, "ulnera&le, and also needing prote$tion from the world?s threats, real &ut espe$iall# imagined%
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!hen she said something "er# profound% She said( :I reall# understand the d#nami$ of running from that feeling of neediness, and interpreting it as a neediness for *od, &e$ause *od is a feeling, an idea we $reate in oursel"es as something huge that $an prote$t us from an# danger, like in the O2rd psalm( >!hough I walk through the Malle# of the Shadow of )eath I will fear no e"il, for !hou art with me% !h# rod and !h# staff the# $omfort me%? !his *od stor# is our feeling, interpreting a presen$e I feel within me as >Fim? who prote$ts me% !his *od feeling and stor# is m# $reation, therefore totall# under m# $ontrol% I wear this stor# as a prote$tion from feeling the "ulnera&ilit# of merel# lo"ing and depending on another human% I need an omnipotent lo"er and prote$tor% 4eeding a real human person is not a situation I $an $ontrol% !hat person ma# go awa#% !hat person ma# die% !hat person ma# &e dri"en awa# purel# &# m# neediness of him, and I $annot risk that% It is easier and safer to imagine an all-powerful *od who I need, to prote$t m#self, and who, &eing under m# $ontrol, $annot lea"e me%; I told her this neediness s$enario is something she reall# needs to feel $ompletel# and let the full panopl#
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of asso$iated feelings and stories wash through her o"er a few hours% 6ust relax, lie on #our &a$k and feel e"er#thing, for feeling the entiret# of neediness will allow for a permanen$e of humilit#, an understanding #ou were ne"er in $ontrol, that ea$h moment is instantaneous and then lost, and ea$h moment then &e$omes a mo"ement of gra$e% Of $ourse there is an o&"ious $orollar# to this insight% hat happens when an idealized other, a guru, an omnipotent mother or father figure, a hus&and or wife who alwa#s has supported us, suddenl# :falters,; and sa#s, :Fone#, I need #ou= I feel so small and "ulnera&le and I need #ou%; hat happens thenD !he father figure, the *od figure, the omnipotent mother sa#s to #ou, :I need #ou=; <ou seeE that idealization, that idea #ou had of the all suppl#ing, omnipotent prote$tor is shattered, he or she is seen to &e 5ust like #ou, small, "ulnera&le, and need#% : hoa is me, m# father has &etra#ed me% hat am I to doD I $annot take $are of &oth m# father and me%; hat happensD Either #ou withdraw from that disappointing o&5e$t, or #ou go into the feelings of
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extreme danger, "ulnera&ilit#, with no prote$tion, no se$urit# an#where% !he other thing that might happen is that when he or she whom #ou depend on expresses "er# deep needinessE it &rings out #our own neediness in glaring "isi&ilit#% It ignites #our &uried neediness, and the deeper the neediness expressed &# the other, the deeper #our own neediness is felt, e"oking a fear that #ou will feel needier, and thus less se$ure than #ou ha"e e"er &efore felt in #our life, ex$ept ma#&e as an infant, and that is too frightening a situation to $ontemplate% !here is the fear #ou might &e stu$k in that neediness fore"er, fore"er &ound to another need# $hild, fore"er inse$ure, lost, unprote$ted% +ut #ou see, that is a stor# #ou ha"e $reated &ased on past a&andonment experien$es as an infant and $hild, and e"er#one has had dozens if not hundreds of a&andonment experien$es as a $hild% It is part of growing up and growing separate% <et so few want to reli"e this dependen$#, e"en though it is ke# to le"eling the grandiosit# and nar$issism of one?s own need to feel self-$ontained and self-healing, grown up% !he real :healing; that most all of us need, is to feel the neediness, the smallness, the impoten$e thoroughl# and $ompletel# for a long, long time, and
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to $ome awa# from it, to grow out of it naturall#, organi$all#, within the $onfines of real, human relationships, and not the artifi$ial therapist3patient or guru3$hela relationships% +ut how man# are willing to do this, to $han$e a mere human relationshipD Fow man# are willing to rel# on themsel"es to feel these feelings deepl# and grow up with them as opposed to fleeing from the fear and inse$urit# into an artifi$ial adult image of oursel"esD Ema l !" from same Student: As a result of sitting with the deep feelings of neediness toda# I noti$ed that what I found most diffi$ult is not the @neediness@ per se, &ut the fear that arises around allowing m#self to need someone, a human so deepl#% 9ear that sa#s, don@t get too need# with that person, what if the# re5e$t #ou%%%Ah, fear and re5e$tion% I also noti$ed something sort of twisted a&out m#self% hen I was feeling reall# need# for someone this morning, along with the fear of &eing re5e$ted &# this person I also wanted others that I was $lose to feel this same wa#% So, as the# rea$hed out to me like the# normall# do, I purposel# ignored their attempts to $onta$t me%
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I wanted them to feel their -m#. neediness% I wanted them to suffer the wa# I was suffering% I wanted them to fear &eing re5e$ted &# me% +asi$all#, I had identified with $ertain feelings within m#self and I pro5e$ted these feelings onto two of m# $losest friends and &eha"ed in su$h a wa# that the# would almost &e for$ed to feel what I was feeling% It was almost sadisti$ the wa# I felt% I reall# wanted them to suffer, to totall# identif# with me in m# suffering and I didn@t $are how mu$h it hurt them% I was sho$ked at how twisted all of this felt and e"en more sho$ked that I liked how powerful, how omnipotent it made me feel% It felt good to $onfess it, to &e open a&out itE this helped me to 5ust a$$ept it as another feeling, another mo"ement within m# sense of presen$e% My Response: !his is $alled pro5e$ti"e identifi$ation% e hurt in some wa# and the onl# wa# we feel free to open to another in $ommuni$ation, is if we are sure the# share our own pain% e $reate that pain in them, so that we feel $lose to them% Our hurt is $on"e#ed to them &# our &eha"iors% hen we see the# share our pain, we feel $lose and there is a shared lo"e%
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!his is an extremel# primiti"e and &asi$ form of non"er&al $ommuni$ation and lo"e% +ut there is also the sense of omnipoten$e that we $an make the other hurt% As the person matures this t#pe of I$ommuni$ationI and primiti"e pre-ps#$hoti$ pro$esses fall awa#% <ou see, #ou are not dead an#more% Spiritualit# and a "er# $on"entional ImarriageI had &uried #ou into a $on"entional deadness% 4ow #ou are ali"e &ut do not know whether #ou want that either% It feels like life reall# su$ks now does it notD <ou know of $ourse #ou $an let go of that lo"e #ou had for this man after a while and return to a li"ing death, or a$$ept that he awakened #ou to a "ital, if painful new life% <ou see, the pain #ou feel now is the reason most people es$ape into spiritualit#, the# want to &e atta$hed onl# to some permanent part of themsel"es, like the >I Am? 3 >&eingness,? or to *od, or something else that will not lea"e themE that will not hurt them% Or the# &e$ome like +uddha, sear$hing for se"en #ears to get to a pla$e where there is no suffering, no death, no atta$hment, 5ust the pea$e of emptiness and the Moid%
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Fowe"er, I think #ou reall# like the passion #ou feel now "ersus the deadness of fi"e #ears ago% <ou know the pea$e and deadness of non-atta$hment, and e"entuall# #ou $an ha"e the same pea$e and a$$eptan$e e"en while &eing totall# passionate, for #ou will find that the pea$e of emptiness, of the Moid, $an $ontain all the pain and passion #ou feel now% <ou think the# are separate and in$ompati&le% +ut, on$e #ou know emptiness, on$e #ou know the pea$e of ha"ing seen oneness, on$e #ou $an hold stead# in meditation, #ou learn how to relax in it and let all the passions &low through #ou, sustaining and energizing #our life, and #et holding stead# during all the emotional storms% It is all a matter of identifi$ation% hat part of #our experien$e, what part of #our Self do #ou identif# withE the personal drama, the impersonal witness or emptiness, or &othD Or neitherD <ou $an learn to a$$ept all and identif# with all or part% E"entuall#, the passions will &egin to lessen as #ou age, and &# the time #ou are 80 #ou will &e talking like 4isargadatta, where he feels his personhood, passion, and ali"eness is all gone% Fe was preparing for the great emptiness of death% In the meantime, #ou ha"e mu$h passionate life to li"e%
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ole of the Teacher

So man# people are on a purported spiritual path of :self-dis$o"er#; without e"er ha"ing spent an# fa$e to fa$e time with a tea$her in the flesh% !his is almost exa$tl# like ha"ing a 9a$e&ook roman$e with someone #ou ne"er met in the flesh% It is all imagination and $on$ept% <ou are ha"ing a dialogue with #our image of the tea$herE in other words, a dialogue with #ourself% <ou $annot :know; a tea$her, or a tea$her a student, through emails, phone $alls, or Sk#pe% <ou ha"e to spend time together, fa$e to fa$e, otherwise the idealizations that made #ou want a guru in the first pla$e, will alwa#s poison the instru$tions he or she is gi"ing% A huge num&er of :spiritual "irgins; form their $on$ept of what a guru is or should &e like from reading a&out Ramana Maharshi% 9ort# #ears ago the most $ommon guru models were either( Ramakrishna, <ogananda and his +a&a5i lineage, or a ,en master su$h as <ashatani% +ut all of us ha"e ideal-guru $on$epts whi$h no tea$her e"er fits &e$ause it is an image personalized &# us within our own minds &# our felt need for a $ertain t#pe of mirroring% !hat is, we pro5e$t onto the
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guru the Cualit# in us we most $herish to &e$ome and own% Some want a nurturing mother or father, all a$$epting, all $aring, all lo"ing% Others ma# want a stern, warrior-like, strong guru who $an $ontain us, prote$t us, lead us, or show us the wa# to greatness or whate"er% Others want a wise man, like 'arlos 'astaneda?s )on 6uan% <ou see, we seek the guru that we think will show us that part of oursel"es we most desire to &e$ome, and if the# appear to &e failing at that, we ha"e se"eral $hoi$es( lea"e for another guru that will fill that need, or allow the $urrent guru to show us parts of oursel"es that ma# &e as "alua&le or more "alua&le than that whi$h we seek% I was fortunate enough to stud# dire$tl# under six ,en Masters, Muktananda, and Ro&ert Adams% Fowe"er, during the #ears of stud# with these eight, I got to meet and know well man#, man# other tea$hers, famous and not, su$h as( Ram )ass, the )alai Lama, !rungpa, Fsun Fua, Ananda, Song R#ong Fearn, Ed ortz, 7rishnamurti, B%*% 7rishnamurti, and man# others% hat I dis$o"ered is that all were first, human% !he# were ordinar# men with some extraordinar#
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Cualities, su$h as lo"e or $ompassion, intelle$t, or energ# gurus, #et the# were all men or woman first, ordinar# men and women, with faults, pro&lems, desires, lo"es, fa"oritism, and with endless opinions% B%*%, for example, kept talking a&out how his &od# purged itself of all thinking, all $on$epts, and underwent enormous transformations% <et, the B%*% I met was an extremel# garrulous old man who $hatted $onstantl# and "oi$ed opinions a&out e"er# topi$ under the sun% Fe had opinions a&out e"er#thing and was as tainted as an# man I e"er met &# $on$epts and ideas% E"er# master I knew had had at least one affair that got them into trou&le with their own sangha, and what I learned here is that :Masters,; :tea$hers,; :gurus,; are among the mostl# harshl# 5udged people &e$ause the# do not li"e up to the personal and idealized images students ha"e of them% !he# are 5udged on the &asis of ha"ing fa"orite studentsE the# should treat e"er#one the same, spend the same amount of time with ea$h% !he# are 5udged &ased on what the# do with donation mone#, su$h as gi"ing some to support their families% !he# are 5udged &ased on who the# put in $harge of the sangha or satsang% !he# are 5udged on the &asis of their diets, whether the# are "egetarians, "egans or meat eaters% +ut espe$iall# the# are 5udged &ased on their attitudes towards sex and relationships% It is as if in this area,
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the tea$her has nothing to tea$h, and has e"er#thing to &e taughtE i%e%, an#time a tea$her looks at a student of the opposite sex, it is some form of a&use% <ou see, tea$hers are on earth to pull #ou out of #our $on$epts and $omfort zone to show #ou a whole new realit#, while #ou are 5udging them &ased on #our $on$epts of what a tea$her should &e like or how the# should tea$h% Bnless #ou dire$tl# stud# with a tea$her on a dail# &asis, #ou are no more than $ondu$ting a dialogue with #ourself%
5endo, 6nternational 2uddhist Meditation Center, 0os Angeles.
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)oming Ali(e to the 7hole Self

e li"e in a mad, mad world% I felt it from the time I was se"en% I knew this $ould not possi&l# &e m# world% !here was too mu$h "iolen$e, too mu$h indifferen$e, too mu$h un$aring, too mu$h depression and too mu$h anger% E"er# one of m# readers knows this% h# is thisD 9irst and foremost, we li"e in a $onsensus world, a partiall# sta&le world of $onsensual agreement as to what is real and what is not real% !his is the world of $ommonl# per$ei"ed o&5e$ts, so$ial a$$eptan$e or non-a$$eptan$e, su$h as with ra$ism, tri&alism, famil# realities, politi$al parties and ideologies, dress $odes, edu$ation, !M game shows, the nightl# news, et$% !his whole &owl of wax is interpenetrated &# a network of a$$epted ideas and interpretations, and to li"e in pea$e, we need to shape and $ontra$t our in$redi&l# intuiti"e and powerful self to fit within a $ommon pattern of so$ial a$$eptan$e% And this pattern shifts and $hanges from $ountr# to $ountr#, and $entur# to $entur#, and in none of this is there real happiness, for we are ne"er oursel"esE we are alwa#s $ari$atures, little ro&ots or puppets, that on$e we dis$o"er this, and &egin to lead authenti$ li"es in a
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different realit#, we are Cui$kl# shuttled awa# to the sidelines( not a$$epted, not allowed into the fold of famil# and so$iet#% 4ow, as #ou know, there are tens of thousands of people now $laiming to &e enlightened% I get emails e"er# week from people who $laim to &e awakened, and indeed the# are if #ou a$$ept the definition of awakening offered &# 4eo-Ad"aitins, or other 9a$e &ook-st#le gurus% !he $ommon thought now is that the whole world is awakening on an unpre$edented &asis% !his is a&solute nonsense% hat has happened is that the &ar measuring awakening has &een lowered so far that e"en the most minor of :spiritual; experien$es are a$$epted as awakenings, and then those awakened ones 5oin groups where the# $ongratulate ea$h other% <et, essentiall# the# remain the same, &ut now feel spe$ial, enlightened, a&o"e humanness in some $ases% <ou see, the# are still &lindE in fa$t e"en more &lind than when the# were simple seekers, wondering what was real, wondering what the >true? wa# was% Se"enteen #ears ago I had m# first :awakening; experien$e after OH #ears of thousands of different nomind, oneness, and 7undalini experien$es% +ut looking
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&a$k, I would not now a$$ept that initial no-I, no-self experien$e as an awakening% !he single experien$es, no matter how world shattering are not what $onstitute :awakening%; !o me, the :enlightenment; mean shattering experien$es B4LESS !FE< LEA) !O FBMILI!<= terms :awakening; and a&solutel# nothing% !he &ig, MEA4 A+SOLB!EL< 4O!FI4* !RBE SEL9-REALI,A!IO4 A4)
One needs to go &e#ond an# single or multiple awakening experien$e, no matter how deep or how perse"ering, through a long, long period of :training; where&# one loses dependen$e and primar# identifi$ation with the $onditioned false self, leading to a dis$o"er# A4) integration of one?s true self, with all of its su&tlet# and sensiti"it#% <ou see, the pro$ess of growing up and sur"i"ing in the mad, mad world is one of progressi"el# d#ing to our deep sensiti"ities in order to fit and &e sane within the $onfines of our assigned roles and a$$epted &eingness in so$iet#% Self-Realization is progressi"el# letting go of the $on"entional, and &e$oming open to repressed parts of oursel"es% +# >true self?, I mean all of the powers and per$epts we had to re5e$t in order to sta# sane, &ut at the same time, to re$ognize the need for the sanit#
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:&ox; we were for$ed to $ontra$t into in order to fit% It is all me, it is all the Self% !he totalit# of this true self is in$redi&l# powerful, in$redi&l# sensiti"e, in$redi&l# lo"ing, $ompassionate, &ut also in$redi&l# "ulnera&le% Self-realization is not the result of an# single trans$endental experien$e, or e"en a hundred experien$es% It in"ol"es a progressi"e reowning of all of our sensiti"ities, in$luding lo"e, $ompassion, and awareness of all le"els of the su&tle &od#, in$luding the surfa$e awareness of &eingness of the neoad"aitins, &ut also awareness of un$ons$ious states, and the weird and somewhat distur&ing energies and entities found in the so-$alled astral states, and then the $ons$ious transition a$ross the 'ausal &od# of unknowing, and then merger into the !uri#a state and &e#ond% Onl# then $an we sa# we are Self-Realized, that we know who we are% Mere energeti$ or emotional integrations reall# do not go so deep% !oda# we ha"e so man# instant gurus, who ha"e an experien$e one da#, and are tea$hing the next% !he# ignore the fa$t that the great gurus, Ramana, 4isargadatta, Ro&ert Adams, ,en Master 6oshu, et$%, ma# ha"e had great awakening experien$es, &ut did not open their mouths a&out it for at least O0 #ears% Ramana did not tea$h for more than O0 #ears after his
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awakeningE the same with 4isargadatta, and e"en more so with Ro&ert% 6oshu supposedl# struggled Q0 #ears &efore his first awakening, and then had G0 #ears of 1G great enlightenments after that% )id suddenl# something happen so that now ada#s there are thousands of Ramanas, 4isargdattas and Ro&erts around, or onl# those who think the# areD !he des$ent into all the energies and Cualities of the Self we had to kill off to gain fun$tional :sanit#; in the :real world; of $on"ention is a de"elopmental pro$ess in its own right, 5ust like the progressi"e stages of de"elopment of the ps#$hes of the infant, toddler, adoles$ent, and adult, &ut now in a trans$endental dire$tion of returning to the totalit# of our true sel"es% !his is done &# shedding all the $on"entions and regaining those parts we &uried, #et still retaining the defensi"e stru$tures that allowed us to $ope and fun$tion in this artifi$ial world in the first pla$e% !he struggle alwa#s remains how to go deeper into oursel"es #et retain an a&ilit# to fun$tion in the $ommon world of insanit# and insensiti"it# that we $all modern life% <ou see, true Self-Realization means one &e$omes e"er more sensiti"e to the world that we &uried in order to sta# sane, and that world is not the one presented to the a"erage, non-spiritual person% e li"e
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in a different world and ha"e to &e $areful how we present oursel"es within :their world; otherwise we are &randed as immature, nar$issisti$, $raz#, wa$ko, or as a :diamond in the rough%; Onl# when the whole world &e$omes in$redi&l# sensiti"e to e"er# aspe$t of e"er# em&odied, indi"idual self within the uni"ersal Self of All, will the world not appear to &e insane% !his is not a short-term pro5e$t% e are talking millennia ma#&e% In the meantime, we need to learn how to remain sane, exploring an e"er deepening inner world of energies, $ompassion, lo"e and a$$eptan$e, while li"ing within a world that is not real% *ood lu$k to all of us% Ema l from a Student: I@"e had some re$ent experien$es that I@d like to share with #ou% I don@t know what an# of them mean nor am I sure that I need to know% 9or the past $ouple of weeks I ha"e noti$ed more of a sense of presen$e whi$h to me feels more like something !rue and sta&le% I ha"e felt an unshakea&le pea$e or $ourage or strength most of the time, e"en when I am deepl# hurting or sad or 5ealous or afraid%%% Most of the energ# I ha"e felt, su$h as "i&rations, &urning, tingling, $urrents going through m# mus$les,
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feeling like m# head is &eing swept $lean%%%has &een more asso$iated with the gross &od#% I ha"e also felt huge mo"ements of energ# within what seems to &e a sort of an infinite t#pe spa$e, whi$h I onl# &e$ame aware of due to the energ# mo"ing through it% !hese mo"ements of energ# sometime feel like gentle wa"es mo"ing through this spa$e and at other times I ha"e heard a rum&le deep within me followed &# what would feel like a giganti$ earthCuake within this spa$e% !hese mo"ements of energ# seem to happen inside and outside of the &od#E reCuiring the &od# to experien$e them% So to sa#, II am not m# &od#I does not seem altogether true to me% It seems more true to sa# that II am more than 5ust m# &od#% I ha"e also &een experien$ing a sort of hum in m# head off and on, sort of like the sound a tuning fork would make%%% a "i&rator# t#pe hum that $hanges in intensit#% !he first time I heard it, it sounded more like there was a gathering of humming &irds in m# head% Sometimes there is the sound of &eautiful angeli$ musi$% And 5ust toda#, I was sitting in the kit$hen wasting time on 9a$e&ook and I &egan to feel a surge of energ# &egin to arise from deep within me% As it arose, the power and strength of it graduall# in$reased until it felt like a "ol$ano had erupted from deep within me% I
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felt the most amazing &liss, along with a sense of awe and wonder at this power% M# inCuiring mind wants to know( hat is feeling this energ#D hat experien$ed and felt this "ol$ani$ eruption of power from within meD I $an@t make it $ome &a$k, &ut I feel the residue of it as a stronger sense of presen$e so to speak%; Ed Responds: !his latter experien$e of the inner arising of &liss3energ# and lo"e that $omes as an inner explosion, an inner "ol$ano, is that of the Self re"ealing itself to #ou as a human personalit#% <ou ha"e IseenI the Self-of-All as a separate entit#, an awesome Iother,I whi$h at this point still seems separate from #ou as #ou still identif# with -student?s name. as opposed to !uri#a, a gate to whi$h has &een opened to #ou% +ut $ongratulations== !his is a "er# important step towards knowing who #ou are% <ou ha"e glimpsed the Ox, so to speak, using the ,en analog#% <ou ha"e &egun to disidentif# with #our primar# identit# of &eing the &od#, and are now identif#ing more with su&tle &od# phenomena, su$h as sounds, the nadi, energies as manifestations of impersonal shakti,
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and other su&tle &od# phenomena% <ou are going &e#ond the human world towards the uni"ersal and transpersonal% *raduall# #ou will integrate all of these energies and experien$es within #ourself and $ontinue to grow into a new personalit#, one free of fear &e$ause #ou will know #ourself as the Self of All, and the owner of e"er#thing as a $onstant presen$e%
Mali,u.
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The #oid is Not the A!solute; Silence is not the A!solute

Man# people who pra$ti$e meditation &egin to identif# with the emptiness the# see and feel as their Ireal self,I misunderstanding that to &e the A&solute, the witness &e$ause e"er#thing flows from this emptiness and emptiness, or spa$e, per"ades all experien$es% +ut the Moid, the inner and outer spa$es, are not the witness, are not the A&solute, &e$ause the Moid itself is experien$ed and is an o&5e$t of awareness% !he A&solute is entirel# &e#ond experien$e as the su&5e$t, in$luding the experien$e of the Moid% It $annot &e experien$ed itself% <ou $an onl# &e the witness as a position of sentien$e, &ut #ou $an know nothing a&out it% <ou $annot feel #ourself as a witness, for then it would &e an experien$e of the witness% An#thing, an# knowledge is within phenomenalit#% 4ow, some sa# phenomenalit# springs from noumenalit#, that it is a refle$tion of the Bn&orn aspe$t of #our &eing% Some $all the world the I$reated,I meaning it popped out of the un$reated, noumenal, unmanifest, whi$h the# $all the Ireal self%I
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+ut wh# would an#one want to $all something unknown and unknowa&le as their real selfD !his A&solute, this unmanifest is entirel# &e#ond knowing and experien$e, in$luding the Moid, so wh# la&el it and infer Cualities and $hara$teristi$s to itD It is merel# the mind tr#ing to grasp something entirel# &e#ond its ken% Lea"e this philosophizing alone% It does not help in an# wa# to talk a&out the relationship &etween the A&solute and phenomenalit#% And remem&er, the Moid, the spa$iousness, is part of $ons$iousness and is not &e#ond it% !he onl# Irealit#I is what is presented in experien$e, in$luding the world, #our &od#, #our senses, emotions, thoughts, et$% E"en though it flows and $hanges $ontinuousl#, it is the onl# thing we will e"er know% e $annot know the A&solute% Some sa# look at #our experien$e and find out that whi$h does not $hange, for that is #our real nature% Of $ourse that is the Moid, the emptiness that per"ades all inner and outer experien$e% <et, it is still an aspe$t of experien$e, and is not &e#ond experien$e% E"en this silen$e is not &e#ond experien$e% <et, #ou also are the A&solute% <ou &egin to know this &# intuition, then &# a kind of inferential knowledge I $all apprehension, and then it &e$omes a
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$ertaint# on$e #ou realize that the Moid is not the A&solute% Fowe"er, ne"er forget that the ><ou? who reall# $ounts, is the manifest #ou, the human li"ing in a world of form and a$tions% )o not den# this as &eing #ou in an attempt to run awa# from inner $onfli$t, emotions, or the hurt and hate of the world% Em&ra$e that human self e"en while knowing that an essential aspe$t of #ou is entirel# &e#ond the world and #our humanit#% Student: I like a lot of how #ou spoke of this in the start, and agree that the "oid, as a known o&5e$t, $annot &e the Self% I also see that it is not real, for it is no longer @"oid@ when an o&5e$t takes its pla$e in awareness S<ouU% !he onl# Irealit#I is what is presented in experien$e, in$luding the world, #our &od#, #our senses, emotions, thoughts, et$% !his statement I am in disagreement with% !his Irealit#I of experien$e #ou referen$e - is the @relati"e dream@ and has no permanent status% I like Medanta@s definition of @real%@ An# real thing must &e a"aila&le at all times in its un$haining @form@ for it to &e real% If I $all upon a thing and it has mo"ed or altered - was it realD Is an#thing in the world fitting of su$h a des$ription as realD
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Onl# the A&solute is $hangeless and eternal, and thus real% e $an also $ome to see that what we are S&e#ond the appearan$e of the apparent personU is $hangeless and unmo"ing% e are what is real% e are that A&solute, $hangeless awareness - $alled Self - for it is exa$tl# here, as $lose as $lose $an &e% Ed( )o #ou experien$e the A&soluteD If not, it is 5ust an idea or inferen$e, or a pla$e to &e% hen #ou are it, is it an experien$eE 4oD hen #ou are it #ou experien$e the world as oneness% !he A&solute has no Cualities, it is not eternal, un$hanging, unmo"ingE those are $hara$teristi$s of experien$e, the &a$kground, emptiness, the Moid% <ou are $onfusing the Cualit# of the Moid, un$hanging emptiness, as the A&solute% Student( !he awareness of the "oid is not the "oid% !he "oid appeared to SinU me, and I am $learl# not that, nor the $reation that pro5e$ted in3from @it?% An @experien$e@ of the A&solute alone is without a lo$alized experien$er or o&5e$ts of experien$e% In a wa#, su$h an e"ent is of far less use than a samadhi @with@ thought% SSa"ikalpa "s nir"ikalpaU% Ed( 'an #ou experien$e the A&solute aloneD 'an it &e experien$ed, whether &# a lo$alized $ore, or o&5e$ts, or without $ore of o&5e$tsD )o #ou experien$e #ourself as a su&5e$tD Fow does one
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experien$e oneself as a su&5e$t( As stillnessD As unmo"ingD As eternalD !hese are all Cualit# words, $hara$teristi$ words% Student( I am that whi$h does not $hange or mo"e, whi$h $an not &e negated% All experien$e, in$luding of a "oid, or of the spark of awareness at the heart $enter departure from me appear in this awareness of them% Ed( It sounds so a&stra$t, like a definition as opposed to something $oming from #our heart% Student( I $an des$ri&e one of the experien$es to #ou Sor more if #ou wishU% It is hard to summarize them% !he spark experien$e I 5ust referen$ed was as follows% Bpon walking on a &ea$h path, the &od# was suddenl# a&sent from me% hat was then o&ser"ed, was a @spe$k@ SsparkU of @awareness@ SSomehow this is the re$ei"ed interpretationU mo"ing down the &ea$h% Its lo$ation was in the @area@ where the heart @was@ and the images of the s$ener# were still @mo"ing@ as though the &od# was mo"ing% !his @spe$k@ then also "anished from me and all that remained in m# knowing Snothing else whatsoe"erU was an image of the sk#% Oddl#, this image @tipped@ and
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I 5umped &a$k into an em&odied awareness, with the thought II should turn &a$k and $omplete m# walk%I I was stru$k &# what had o$$urred, and realized that the @tipping sk#@ was a$tuall# the @tipping@ of the &od#% +asi$all#, this was a death of the &od# experien$e seeing &oth the &od# and the @heart@s spark@ lea"e this awareness% Ed( !his is still an experien$e and on it #ou ha"e added an interpretation of the death of the &od#% !his was a temporar# experien$e% !he :experien$e; of the A&solute is one where :<OB; are $ompletel# a&sent of self-awareness, and suddenl# $ons$iousness $omes to #ou as an awareness of the waking world, dream, or deep sleep% <ou feel or see $ons$iousness flowing towards #ou, &ut #ou are untou$hed &# it% <ou do not experien$e #ourself as an#thingE #ou experien$e $ons$iousness mo"ing, and also experien$e that all of this $ons$iousness is not ><ou?, ><ou? are apart from it% Fowe"er re"elator# this is, howe"er mira$ulous to dis$o"er #our essential ><ou-ness? is &e#ond existen$e, it is in the Lla# of $ons$iousness, the so-$alled dream, where the a$tion is% As su$h, an imaginar# real or not, this is where we pla# out our li"es and lo"es, and it is this aspe$t of me that I $hoose to em&ra$e, not the A&solute%
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7ho Says the I$Thought is the 3go or Self5

Ro&ert Adams and Ramana &oth said follow the >I? thought% 4isargadatta said fo$us on and lo"e the >I Am? sensation, the sense of existen$e% :Lart; of what is re"ealed to us through su$h an inner sear$hing is that there is no inner :entit#,; no inner o&5e$t, no apparent phenomenal nu$leus towards whi$h the >I-thought? points% -Mu$h later we will find there is still :something; there whi$h is not a thing, it is the knowing su&5e$t whi$h is $ondu$ting the self-inCuir#, whi$h $annot &e o&5e$tified as an o&ser"ed entit#, or known &# the mind% At first it is onl# known &# inferen$e, then as an intuition, and then as an utter $ertaint#, a deep $on"i$tion after long pondering a&out the relationship &etween the per$ei"ed and the per$ei"er%. I think in most of us there is a feeling, and the unCuestioned understanding, that there is some nu$leus, the personal self, an ego to whi$h the >Ithought? points, su$h that when we pra$ti$e self inCuir#, looking at or for the >I-thought,? we finall# understand there is no entit# an#where to whi$h the >I- thought? points, thus the entire $on$eptual s#stem $ollapses%
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!hat is, there is an unstated assumption that there is an inner >I,? and opposing that on the other side of the skin is an >outer? world% hen it is seen that the word >I? does not point to an#thing, the old di$hotom# &etween inner and outer $ollapses, and we see that the o&5e$ts we think exist are a$tuall# the result of $on$epts applied to the external world, su$h as the word >$hair? whi$h is superimposed &# the mind on raw experien$e% ith this dis$o"er# we understand that the external world in its entiret#, is $onstru$ted from a mental map of tens of thousands of $on$epts, some stri$tl# personal, and man# whi$h are $ommonl# held &# so$iet# and $ulture% I reall# do not want to get into the depths of dis$ussion a&out how this o$$urs, as it is explained in depth in m# awakening experien$es in the &eginning of the &ook% It is $ommonl# held now &# Ad"aita ad"o$ates that the experien$e re"eals that the mind3ego is no more than a $olle$tion of thoughts that $ome and go rather ar&itraril#% +ut in fa$t this is not true% Ea$h indi"idual is rather uniCue, and the wa# the# arrange $on$epts and &eha"iors, and the wa# the# see the world is fairl# uniCue to that indi"idual despite man# shared $ommonalities%
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E"er#one in our $ulture knows what a $hair or an automo&ile is, while an Australian +ushmen of two $enturies ago ma# not ha"e had that $on$ept at all% +ut let us take a $loser look at the whole notion of ego, mind, and I% h# do the 4eo-Ad"aitins assume that 5ust &e$ause the word >I? does not point to an#thing, that the ego does not existD ho said that the ego or self would ha"e some form or an o&5e$ti"e nu$leus su$h that &# looking into one?s su&5e$ti"it#, it $ould &e found as some sort of >o&5e$tD? hat if the ego is not a single entit#, &ut a I$olle$tionI of learned responses, learned patterns of per$eption, interpretation and adaptational ps#$hi$ pro$esses &# whi$h we fun$tion in the world, $om&ined through de"elopmental patterns into a fun$tioning human &eingD Or, what if that sense of >I? and the >I-thought? reall# point towards a non-entit#, a non-o&5e$t, namel# the su&5e$t of e"er#thingD In that sense too, no o&5e$t of inCuir# $ould &e found, #et $ertainl# we $annot dou&t that we exist and experien$ing is taking pla$e% hen we use the word >ego,? are we not talking a&out $omplex &eha"iors( thinking and interpreting of external e"ents, the a&ilit# to fo$us on external and
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internal phenomena, the a&ilit# to relate to another person, the a&ilit# to relate to others in a group and to persist in adapti"e efforts to a$$omplish some goal, as well as the pro$ess &# whi$h languages and su&5e$ts su$h as ph#si$s and e$onomi$s are learnedD )oes not the word >ego? reall# point to a huge $olle$tion of &eha"iors, talents, mental fun$tions and wa#s of per$ei"ing the worldD !his is like the word >'hi$ago? ma# point to a $olored area on a million maps, &ut when we $ome to the real world, what does >'hi$ago? point toD )oes it point to fi"e million separate people spread out o"er 200 sCuare miles, with ma#&e two million stru$tures, a million separate &usinesses, 1/,000 miles of streets and highwa#s, a uniCue form of $it# go"ernment, its li&rar# s#stem, its newspapers and tele"ision stations, its poli$e, its uni"ersities, et$%D hat is it that the word >'hi$ago? points toD e use the word all the time, and it $an mean all of the a&o"e entities and fun$tions asso$iated with that $it#% +B! 'FI'A*O IS A 'O4'EL!% I! )OES 4O! LOI4! !O A4< !FI4*% !he word ego is the English translation of 9reud?s phrase, :)as I$h,; meaning the >I?, or the >I-sense?% Fowe"er, for him ego was the realit# prin$ipal, onl# part of whi$h was the >I-sense%? It ar&itrated &etween the primiti"e demands of the un$ons$ious, the Id, and
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the realit# of the world% 9or 9reud, most e"er#thing in our li"es was un$ons$ious or pre$ons$ious, meaning we $ould a$$ess it if we tried for a moment, and not $ons$ious, IIn the now%I !he ego free floated depending on the $ir$umstan$e, from $ons$ious to pre$ons$ious, to the un$ons$ious, tr#ing to please the Id?s impulses &# satisf#ing them as mu$h as possi&le gi"en the realities of the world, and also the ego used :defenses; to hide impulses or to den#, repress or transmute $onfli$ts and pain% e refer to these defenses all the time, sa#ing someone is Ipro5e$tingI onto others, or den#ing or repressing emotions &# refusing to see what is $learl# a fa$t in an effort to Isa"eI our point of "iew, or pre"ent pain from entering our awareness% On top of this we ha"e the personalit#, the $omplex of &eliefs, weaknesses, strengths, and ha&itual responses and in$linations that we present to others in da# to da# intera$tions, whi$h we reall# are mostl# un$ons$ious of, &e$ause the personalit# is us% e reall# don@t refle$t on our intera$tion st#le or deepl# ingrained ItruthsI unless $hallenged &# a wife or lo"er, &oss at a 5o&, or work demands% Bnder stress, or in ps#$hoanal#sis or insight ps#$hotherap#, we ma# &egin to look at our personalit# traits if the# are $ausing failure -su$h as alwa#s falling in lo"e with
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the same t#pe persons that alwa#s lead to relationship failure., or other kinds of pain% On top of this de"eloped the superego, or moralit#, whi$h at first is Cuite rigid, and then &e$omes more flexi&le as we &e$ome adults% !hat is, 9reud of 100 #ears ago $on$ei"ed of a far more $omplex sense of >I?, or ego, than +uddhists or m#sti$s of the East% 9reud?s ego en$ompassed "ast amounts of &eha"iors, and $omplexities of personalit# not dreamt of &# Eastern m#sti$s% e $an go e"en further as did the ego and de"elopmental ps#$hologists, and assert that the word ego also refers to one?s a&ilities, talents, &eha"iors, patterns of intera$tions with others, edu$ational attainment, a&ilit# with language and mathemati$s, and e"en all of one?s &eliefs and opinions% Reall#, do we not use the word >ego? in this wa#, to refer to all of these pro$esses and attainmentsD So what is it that the word >ego? points toD 4ow let us assume there is realit# in 9reud?s model of the personalit# and ego% If the ego is reall# a $olle$tion of :pro$esses; rather than a single entit#, either an >I-thought?, or an inner ps#$hi$ form whi$h we $an "iew &# looking into our su&5e$ti"it#, then of $ourse self inCuir# or the re$ent :)ire$t Lointing; method will alwa#s find nothing%
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)oes an#one in their right mind think that we $ould look within our su&5e$ti"it# and find our personalit#D 'an we find our personalit# as an entit#D Is not our personalit# mu$h of what we $all the >ego?D 'an we look within oursel"es and find our a&ilit# to do mathemati$sE or rather do we 5ust do mathemati$s &# :&e$oming; a $ertain part of the $omplex stru$tures of our self as a human &eingD !hat is, I don?t look inside and find a mathemati$s nodule or mathemati$s entit# in m# su&5e$ti"it#% I 5ust get into a $ertain frame of mind in whi$h I $an see math s#m&ols and transformations, I &e$ome it, and then I $an do mathemati$s% +ut there $ertainl# is no entit# like a mathemati$s learning $enter, or ph#si$s learning $ore entit#, or an o&ser"a&le ego su&-$ore entit# that $ontrols all of our human intera$tion skills% Is not all of this part of what we $all the egoD )oes not the word >ego? reall# refer to dozens of in"isi&le pro$esses, patterns and skills, and all of our personalit# as it relates to the rest of the worldD Or does ego 5ust point to that sense of >I?D Fow $an we possi&l# &elie"e we $an look inside of oursel"es and find a pattern of how we relate to other peopleD Instead, in a real-life situation with another person, don@t we tr# to intuiti"el# feel our own emotions in response to the intera$tion and $ues in the
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other person?s &eha"ior and &od# language that re"eal to us what he or she is thinking and feelingD Is it not o&"ious that most of this IstuffI is in"isi&le to introspe$tion, wat$hing our thoughts and emotions arise and pass awa#D If we $onsider 9reud?s model and the ps#$hoanal#ti$ models that ha"e flowed from his $on$epts, sta#ing in the now reall# onl# a$$esses the $ons$ious mind and pre$ons$ious% +ut me$hanisms of the ego, $onstru$ted &# the ego, pre"ent that same ego, the >I,? the in"estigator, from e"er dis$o"ering the deepl# &uried stuff, the earliest pains, frustrations, in5uries, and "asanas, whi$h are onl# &rought to light when the# slip through the ego defenses, su$h as in dream or free asso$iation% In other words, the ego spends an enormous amount of energ# and time hiding stuff working in the un$ons$ious and pre$ons$ious areas% Fow then $an we expe$t the ego, whi$h dire$ts all sear$h and seeking efforts, to un$o"er that whi$h it wants to $on$eal from the light of awarenessD !herefore sta#ing in the now, the present, in awareness, $an reall# not take us that far as a method of li&eration% !he ego is not going to find that whi$h it deli&eratel# $on$eals from $ons$iousness% External for$es are usuall# needed, su$h as a guru,
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ps#$hotherapist, or $hallenging external $ir$umstan$es, su$h as a life $risis, death of someone $lose, di"or$e, et$% <es, seeing that there is no >I-'enter? $ertainl# $an &egin an astounding transformation as the $on$eptual s#stem &egins to $ollapse and we &egin to see the world differentl#, without $on$epts, and as Seung Shan might sa#, with a mind as stupid as a ro$k, without its $onstant $hatter and interpretations% !he world seems fresh, &rilliant and "i"id, our responses immediate and not mediated &# thought% !hen we &e$ome One, >I? "ersus the world disappears, and there is 5ust one experien$e, unit# $ons$iousness, with no time lapse &etween something that happens >outside? and our -inside. responses% +ut the la$k of an >I-entit#? $ertainl# does not mean that we do not ha"e &eha"iors, a&ilities, a personalit#, skills, and a &od# a"aila&le to us, as well as seeing oursel"es as in relationship to a world and to another% hen we sa# the senten$e, :I had ri$e for dinner #esterda#,; we are not talking a&out some nonexistent >I-entit#? that we $an see through introspe$tionE we are stating that in our memor# we know that #esterda# >I? ate a $ertain meal, this &od#-mind had ri$e and other food to eat% e are not sa#ing there was an >I?
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entit# in us, like a soul that ate ri$e% e are sa#ing the $olle$ti"e of our &od#( all its pro$esses, our mind, the personalit# that is us, our &eha"iors, all our a&ilities, for a moment #esterda#, sat down and ate food% As Ramesh +alsekar stated, we are a &od#3mind me$hanism, or entit#, not 5ust an >I-thought? or >Isense? although the# are part of it% It is this totalit# that falls in lo"e, marries and has $hildren, gets up at H(00 am and goes to work, and struggles all da# to meet deadlines, then $omes home to pa# &ills and wat$h tele"ision% It is not an >I-thought? or >I-o&5e$t? that does all of this% 4ow we $an sa# that the world is an illusion &e$ause we found no entit# to whi$h the >I-thought? pointed toE therefore there was no di$hotom# &etween the inner and the outer, and we realize that all of us impose patterns of order, of thought and $on$epts onto the external world that we ha"e learned to sur"i"e% !his does not remo"e our experien$e of an e"er$hanging presen$e or su&stan$e, whi$h ma# no longer ha"e an interpreti"e map of thought, &ut $ertainl# exists in the sense that there is alwa#s some appearan$e or another in front of us% Ro&ert Adams referred to this appearan$e as illusion &e$ause none of it was permanent and is dependent upon us, our sentien$e and our a&ilit# to
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experien$e the world in its existen$e% !he world does not exist apart from our experien$ing the world% So what is the differen$e &etween an awakened man, a totall# li&erated man, and an ordinar# manD I am sa#ing this issue is so $omplex, so "aried, that merel# seeing that the >I-thought? itself is not permanent, or that it points to nothing, reall# is the &arest of &eginnings of awakening% !here is so mu$h more to do% All the hidden wrinkles, the angers, hurts, humiliations, fears, and hatreds remain% !here is no 7ing >I? to &e killed% Instead we are afloat in a ri"er of inner and outer happenings alwa#s impermanent and $hanging, where :shit; is alwa#s floating to the top% !he real meaning of the >no-I? experien$e is to introdu$e us to spa$e, emptiness, the ground state of $ons$iousness, and &# li"ing in that, to &etter deal with the flotsam that surfa$es in life% Another issue that often arises for the neo ad"aitins, is that the# learned from Sailor +o& or someone else that there is no separate >I?, or separate self% hat the# mean &# this is un$lear% )o the# mean there is onl# One experien$e and no world3me separation of an# sortD
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hat does this mean experientiall#D hat is their experien$eD )oes it mean that their intelligen$e or per$ei"ing is spread eCuall# throughout their experien$ed worldD !here is no inner "ersus outer, no me "ersus #ou, no world "ersus Ed, 6ohn, or AnnD Is this what the# reall# meanD If this is the $ase, how do the# manage to es$ape &eing killed &# an imaginar# $ar at an interse$tion, or es$ape a gun wielding ps#$hopathD If the# are not separate from me, and there is onl# one, what am I prote$ting when I run, or look &oth wa#s for on$oming traffi$D If there is no one &ut me, how do I fun$tion in the worldD In fa$t, do not all of the neo ad"aitins pro$laim >no? separate sense of selfD If nothing is separate, wh# do the# a$t as if a $ar speeding towards them is a danger and 5ump out of the wa#D If there is no separate entit#, wh# would there &e an# fear of death or in5ur#D It is, of $ourse, &e$ause we know we are a separate mind3&od# entit# that needs to hold onto that &elief to sur"i"e% !he human &eing is reall# a $olle$tion of man# ps#$hologi$al and &eha"ioral fun$tionings and IinternalI and in"isi&le ps#$hi$ stru$tures, whi$h 9reud $alled the I$h, whi$h was translated into English as ego%
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Later ps#$hoanal#sts de"eloped models of the ego further and in"estigated "arious me$hanisms &# whi$h that ego intera$ts with the world% !hose ps#$hoanal#sts would $all the ego the self, and talk a&out how that self relates to the world and to others% e $an easil# see that it was not e"en ne$essar# to &other with the >I? thought or an >I-o&5e$t? in order to allow fun$tioning in the world% Most fun$tioning in the world o$$urs on an un$ons$ious or pre$ons$ious le"el hardl# in"ol"ing our $ons$iousness itself% 9or example( dri"ing a $ar, riding a &i$#$le, intera$ting with others in pri"ate or in a group, washing dishes, and performing the man# fun$tions in e"er#da# life and work% !he existen$e of an >I? is ne"er reCuired% Fowe"er, when a person Ireall#I dis$o"ers that there is no separate >I? internall#, huge ps#$hologi$al $hanges $an take pla$e% At least it was with me% 9or man# others, it is 5ust an intelle$tual dis$o"er# as the# read texts written &# others as to what this no-self, or no-I dis$o"er# means% 9or me it was not so mu$h the disappearan$e of a separate sense of self, or loss of the sense of &eing a doer that mattered% !hese are rather minor things in $omparison to what happened to me% 9or me, when I dis$o"ered that there was no internal Io&5e$tI to whi$h the >I? word referred, I
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realized I had &een li"ing m# life in a fantas# where I was somewhat like a soul inside of the &od#, separate from the world% hen I saw that the >I-thought? pointed to nothing, pointed to an empt# set, I also saw that all other thoughts &ased on this imagined di$hotom# of inner and outer, of self and no self, a$tuall# pointed to nothing% I saw dire$tl# that language and learning superimposed a network of thoughts upon our per$eptions, and these thoughts mediated &etween the a$ti"ities of m# imagined >I? o&5e$t, and the imagined o&5e$ts of the external world% I saw that all thoughts are merel# the map &# whi$h we think a&out realit#, and were not the realit# itself, whi$h we &arel# saw% Almost alwa#s, alwa#s, I saw the world through a network of thought% !his network assumed a distin$tion &etween me and the outer world% I was a ghost in the ma$hine of the &od#, operating in the world% All words and $on$epts are :lies,; superimposing an order on a realit# that had no shape or sta&ilit#, and whi$h alwa#s $onfli$ted with someone else?s understanding and :lies%;
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In fa$t, what I dis$o"ered is that there is onl# an impersonal $ons$iousness operating in the world, and >I,? the real >I? of the A&solute, was merel# along for the ride% hen I saw that there was no inner o&5e$t related to the word >I,? I saw that there also were no external o&5e$ts related to the nouns and ad5e$ti"es we use e"er# da#% !he word $hair, for example, is a generi$ word, and we impose this fun$tioning and re$ognition on hundreds of o&5e$ts e"er# da# in our life without e"er seeing the $hair for what it is% e see it in fun$tional terms, or aestheti$ terms, &ut hardl# e"er 5ust look at a $hair to see what is there% Our intent, predispositions and edu$ation impose a stor# to $o"er e"er#thing in the world% +ut all of this disappeared for me% !here was no longer an inner "ersus an outer% !here was no internal dire$tion "ersus an external dire$tion% !here was no inside the skin "ersus outside the skin% !here was onl# one experien$e, and it was the mind $reated distin$tions and separations% !he entire intelle$tual s#stem $ollapsed% !he network of thought disappeared% I $ould see without thinking% I $ould see thoughts floating through spa$e like tin# $louds that swirled around m# mind% !his &egan to affe$t all other aspe$ts of m# life &e$ause I &egan to see that all $on$epts were up for Cuestioning%
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All $on$epts, in$luding( ph#si$s, mathemati$s, e$onomi$s, politi$s, moralit#, $on"entional dail# life, the pla$e of work, faith, trust, and the meaning of lifeE all were up for Cuestioning in the sense that the# disappeared, and I &egan to operate in freedom% <et, >I? still existed% I was a&le to talk to people, go to Star&u$ks, right ps#$hologi$al reports, take $are of m# $ats, deal with m# signifi$ant other on a dail# &asis, and read a&out philosoph# with a new and deeper understanding from the >no mind? point of "iew% !his entit# $alled, Edward, this &od#3mind $omplex, $ontinued to fun$tion in the world with &arel# a pro&lem% It seemed as if all fun$tioning was automati$% +ut this is to &e expe$ted, sin$e in our dail# life most fun$tioning is automati$ an#wa#% It is 5ust that the mind was no longer in"ol"ed in terms of da#dreaming or thinking a&out the world or what was going on% !houghts did not interfere, and the world was seen to &e illusor#, in the sense that the world I had li"ed in was an artifa$t of the network of thought, and on$e &elief in that network disappeared, m# &elief in the permanen$e of separateness of the world also disappeared% !here was 5ust fun$tioning without self-referen$e% I do not mean that the mind disappearedE rather its importan$e was diminished% It was not the predominant element that ran m# life, &ut m# life
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seemed to flow from emptiness, and the mind pla#ed a su&ser"ient role% 4ow the Cuestion is, when the mind drops, what do I &e$omeD I &e$ame me, a full# fun$tioning &od#3mind fun$tioning in a new world with far less thinking and thought% !he illusor# world of the network of thought disappeared, and I &egan fun$tioning out of emptiness, automati$all#% !here was still a sense of >I?, or &eing the su&5e$t, &ut it was not $onfined to an# lo$ation in spa$e-time% !hen one da# I had a se$ond awakening experien$e% I saw that $ons$iousness itself was illusor# and not me% +# that I mean that I felt I was outside of $ons$iousness, and the states of $ons$iousness $ame to me without tou$hing or affe$ting me% aking $ons$iousness $ame and went% !he dream state $ame and went% !he sleep state $ame and went, &ut I was untou$hed% I had mo"ed to a deeper le"el inside of ImeI that was IdeeperI than $ons$iousness% I might sa# it was reall# experien$ed as IotherI than $ons$iousness% I was that whi$h was &e#ond $ons$iousness% $ons$iousness itself was an illusion% !he oneness state itself was illusor#% All thoughts were illusor#%
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+# illusor#, I meant that the experien$e was that >I? had a sense of permanen$e% 'ons$iousness $ame and went through time, &ut I was separate and not affe$ted &# the passage of the states or the o&5e$ts within $ons$iousness, or the totalit# of manifest $ons$iousness itself% !he experien$e was, I am permanent, all else is fluid, temporar#, insu&stantial, and thus not real% I was that state that supported all the illusion% !hat is, I a$Cuired the knowledge that I existed &e#ond the uni"erse of manifestation% I had ne"er &een &orn into that uni"erse as a human entit#% I was not reall# a human &eing% I was something else entirel#, what 4isargadatta $alled the witness, or the A&solute, or Lara-+rahman% I was the un&orn, as we all are% <et >I? was $onstantl# asso$iated with this &od#3mind entit# named, Edward that was perfe$tl# a&le to fun$tion all &# itself without thinking, self-referen$e, or a separate sense of self in the world% So what is fun$tioning in the world if I am &e#ond thatD !his was m# dis$o"er#( $ons$iousness was fun$tioning all &# itself as an apparent &od#3mind% E"er#thing that existed in the manifest world was $ons$iousness, from the &od#, to the fun$tioning of the &od#, to all the o&5e$ts in the world% All was $ons$iousness operating in an impersonal wa# in the
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sense that it did not in"ol"e the >I? that I felt m#self to &e, whi$h was apart from $reation, the manifest world% >I?, the witness, the A&solute, was 5ust along for the ride as the $ognizer, the su&5e$t, the witness, and I $ould $hoose to identif# with, Edward Muzika, as a human &eing in relationship to the world, or as the witness, utterl# remo"ed from the world, or I $ould identif# with the "oid whi$h $ontained all phenomena and from whi$h phenomena flowed, or I $ould identif# with m# a$ti"ities of the moment as a human &eing% !hen a #ear ago something happened% Lo"e $ame to me% A woman $ame into m# life and e"er#thing $hanged% A new life was &reathed into me% A new energ# permeated m# &od# and &eing% And this was stri$tl# personal% !hat is, this lo"e happened to >me? at the deepest le"el of identifi$ation% I had &e$ome ali"e as lo"e% !he other also was ali"e as a >real? o&5e$t, opposed to an imaginar# o&5e$t within m# sentien$e, m# $ons$ious world% !he world and I were &e$oming personal% As Muktanda said, :I ha"e &e$ome ali"e%; !hat is, >I? as the A&solute had &een &orn into the world as the personal% I was no longer an impersonal fun$tioning of $ons$iousness, I &e$ame lo"e itself, and e"er#thing, e"er#thing graduall# &e$ame personal again% I had made a long 5ourne# from the personal, Edward, who
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&egan his spiritual 5ourne# in the 1PG0s, $ulminating in awakening in 1PP/, then 1/ #ears of l#ing fallow in this impersonal $ons$iousness, fun$tioning in an impersonal wa#% !hen I awakened #et again% I returned to the world of humanit#, e"en while $onstantl# aware of the great "oid whi$h $ontains all of manifestations, and the $oming and going of "arious states of $ons$iousness and o&5e$ts within $ons$iousness% +ut now I was a lo"er, and the world &egan to take on a new realit#, a realit# of spiritual energ# and *RA'E, with a lo"e for others and a desire to show them how to &reak free of their own imprisoning networks of thought and dail# li"ing situations% I saw that there were other $on$epts, $onditions, and predispositions in ea$h of us that are far more powerful as a prison, than merel# the >I thought?% !here are so man# $on$epts and $onditionings $aused &# so$iet#, our edu$ational s#stem, our 5o&s, and our relationships, that $reate in ea$h of us a pri"ate prison that ro&s us of lo"e and life% !hese $on$epts are deeper into the un$ons$ious, &e$ause we were &orn and raised in these $on$eptual stru$tures of famil# and so$iet#, as opposed to learning from tea$hers and &ooks a&out karma, re&irth, no self,
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or Self, $ons$iousness and the A&solute, and all the different te$hniCues that are a$$epted routes for a$hie"ing pea$e and happiness% !hese were Ilo$alI prisons, trapping indi"iduals into lifeless marriages or relationships, &oring 5o&s, depression, feelings of desolation and hopelessness, and endless repetition of relati"el# meaningless a$ti"ities% !here was no >life? in man# people@s li"es, espe$iall# those seeking spiritualit#% !he# know something is missing in the world and in their li"es, as well as e"er#one else@s life, &ut the# do not know what that :missing; is% !he# then &egan sear$hing, knowing not what the# look for% !his is !FE ma5or $onfusion in the spiritual world% hat do we want when we seekD Some seek knowledge% Some seek lo"e% Some seek to disappear, to trans$end e"er#thing in an ultimate pea$e as the# imagine Ramana Maharshi to ha"e li"ed in% Some seek to re-experien$e life with a new intensit# and with feeling% Others seek an ultimate se$urit#, a knowing of !ruth% +ut I think what I found is the whole pa$kage% 9irst one dis$o"ers that the entit# the# thought the# were is not real, and there is 5ust an impersonal
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fun$tioning of $ons$iousness that is alwa#s s$rewed up &# a h#pera$ti"e mind% !he# dis$o"er the# are altogether separate from $ons$iousness, a mere witness of the manifestation of $ons$iousness, something outside of this manifest uni"erse altogether% A&iding there, the# find pea$e and relati"e happiness% +ut after time, there arises a feeling of &oredom and lifelessness% Also, despite the pea$e, happiness and e"en &liss on o$$asion, there is a hatred for the world that keeps pulling us out of that pea$e% Our pea$e is alwa#s distur&ed% E"en when we are $hanting and feeling &liss, some&od# $omes along and makes a lot of noise and our pea$e is lost, &liss is lost, and anger arises% Also, in this world of the A&solute, there is no lo"e, there is onl# witnessing of the a$ti"ities of $ons$iousness, &oth of oursel"es and the apparent external world, and lo"e is a&sent% ithout lo"e, life &e$omes lifeless and &oring% !hen $omes the new mo"ement of lo"e for someone or something, where lo"e is the predominating element operating within $ons$iousness, within the Moid itself, whi$h on$e again makes e"er#thing personal% As the ,en master Seung Sahn stated, we ha"e gone full $ir$le, from 0Z as an ordinar# human &eing so to speak, to 180Z of $omplete emptiness, the "oid, and then a return to 2G0Z of
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ordinar# human $ons$iousness on$e again, &ut this time transformed and full of life% !his 5ourne# of lo"e is so amazingE the experien$es are so amazing and dramati$% One feels like a ri"er of lo"e flows through their sense of presen$e% Others feel $onstant &lissful energies flowing upwards from the heart, gut or sexual organs, through the heart and into the world and to the other% 9or long periods one ma# feel &liss whi$h &e$omes e$stas#% All kinds of states and experien$es arise and pass awa# as our awareness expands in new dimensions% +ut the most astounding thing we experien$e is the des$ent of gra$e and humilit#% e feel like we are tou$hed &# *od?s sa$red &reath itself, often in the presen$e of the other, he or she who exists &efore us as our &elo"ed( lo"er, friend, $ompanion, guru, or $hela% *ra$e permeates e"er#thing% e fall to our knees in utter awe of the gra$e and a$$eptan$e we feel% e are hum&led, laid low, in a new kind of e$stati$ em&ra$e &# the Infinite% e are then $omplete, finished in this di"ine em&ra$e that has arisen from and &# one?s lo"e for another human, lo"er, guru, $hela, $hild, or animal%
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!he whole world is experien$ed through the heart and the mind pla#s 5ust a se$ondar#, #et integrated role, a supporting role for the heart-sense% I am empt#, &ereft of self-$are or self $on$ern% I ha"e onl# $on$ern for the other% 4ow that >I? and the world ha"e on$e again &e$ome personal, a great desire for 5usti$e arises and a $aring for all% I want to fun$tion as a support for all of sentien$e, for all life from that of a &utterfl# or worm, to all animals and all humans%
0a 4olla.
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)reating a New 7orld" One 'ife at a Time

A long time ago I studied under ,en Master Seung Sahn Soen Sa when he li"ed in the states% I also sta#ed as a guest at his temple in Seoul when I "isited 7orea in the late P0s% Seung Sahn had a pet pee"e, it was students who attained 4othingness and saw the "oid nature of all things, e"en that time was empt#, and then the# stopped there% !he# &e$ame :rogues; and did 5ust as the# wanted without $onsideration for others, &e$ause the# saw themsel"es and others as non existent, so whate"er a$tions $ame from them was $onsidered alright, e"en while not resol"ing the illogi$al in$onsisten$# of no longer feeling like a person, #et $ontinuing to a$t in the same old wa#s as &efore% -9or I might ask the Cuestion, I6ust &e$ause #ou no longer feel personal, or that #ou exist, does that mean the personal or ego is not still thereDI. Fe would sa#, :<ou now know Empt#E is that allD; Fe was impl#ing that there was something to dis$o"er &e#ond 4othingness and the Moid and oneness, whi$h was a return to li"ing as a human in that world li"ed in &# all others, the apparent world of life and death, and to do so with a sense of $ompassion and integrit#%
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Fe ga"e students man# koans relating to life IafterI the initial awakening to nothingness, whi$h he $onsidered half wa#, or 180 degree awakening, "ersus a 2G0 degree return to the marketpla$e% Ro&ert too spoke of those who onl# understood that nothing e"er existed, and the# did not exist, #et who $ontinued to li"e in the apparent world, either not $aring, or deli&eratel# exploiting it without $aring how ones a$tions affe$ted others% Fe $alled them :$old fish%; I am afraid se"eral famous 6nanis fit into this $ategor#, &ut I am not going to name names &e$ause I will get $omments from a dozen defenders% I ha"e mentioned that there are two stages to awakening% !he first was to see that #ou do not exist and ne"er ha"e existed% Seeing that, #ou see the world too has ne"er existed, and #ou are free% It is all a matter of mind and the mind is onl# a $olle$tion of thoughts, whi$h aren@t reall# #our thoughts an#wa#, and whi$h one might $all a $olle$ti"e or $ultural network of thoughts% I write a&out this as m# first awakening experien$e% !he se$ond awakening is when #ou see that all of $ons$iousness and the states of $ons$iousness are not #ou and ha"e nothing to do with #ou% <ou are that whi$h notes the $oming and going of $ons$iousness and
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the forms of $ons$iousness% !his I ha"e thoroughl# explored on the &lue site of http(33itisnotreal%$om as well as on the link $alled m# se$ond awakening experien$e% !his knowledge or awareness has no attri&utes and reall# no existen$e as an entit# of an# sort in this world% It is utterl# &e#ond phenomenolog#% Fowe"er, there is a third awakeningE it is finding one?s $ore of :humanhood; whi$h is lo"e and &liss% !his third awakening is an e"er in$reasing lo"e for all sentient &eings, wanting them to &e safe and prosper, and also of wanting to $reate a &etter world% !his $an $ome instantl#, or o"er a period of time, knowing that the world is unreal, a $reation of mind, &ut &eginning to see the suffering and pain of others as real after all% !his $auses a rise in #ou of a need to end that suffering% !his is the Maha#ana ideal of the +odhisat"a, "ersus the Fina#ana ideal of the Arhat% !he se$ond +odhisat"a "ow( Sentient &eings are num&erless, I "ow to sa"e them all% !he +odhisat"a relinCuishes the pea$e of Arhat I&lowing outI until all &eings are sa"ed from suffering% !his awakening $an &e instantaneous as a sudden arising of Self from within in an o"erwhelming displa# of ma5est#, of witnessing the Self as *od, and also oneself at the same time in an explosi"e moment of Self-Realization%
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!hose who ha"e onl# mastered the first one or two awakenings laugh and s$off at this, sa#ing it is dualisti$, sa#ing who is there to do an#thingD +ut the# $an onl# sa# this as long as their hearts ha"e not opened% !he# still exist onl# in 6nana, the# remain 6nanis rather than returning to the world as +odhisat"as with lo"e and $ompassion% !his marriage of &oth is the final goal, and it is far more fulfilling than 5ust 6nana or +hakta% hen #our heart opens, dualism and non-dual are re$on$iled in the same person and #ou li"e from the heart% !hat is how it feels% <ou feel as if #ou witness and rea$t to the world from #our sense of presen$e around #our ph#si$al heart, and an expanded presen$e that extends e"er#where as a m#sti$al $ommunion with the entiret# of all sentient &eings and the world% I prefer to trans$end this limitation of non-dual and find the powerful thread of lo"e e"er#where, holding and permeating the uni"erse% <ou see, e"er# tea$her has a different message% Ro&ert used to sa# his was $loser to Ramana@s than 4isargadatta@s, &ut ea$h realized &eing has his or her own message% So, if #ou like this message, #ou feed feral $ats and the homeless and prompt politi$ian@s not to $ut So$ial Se$urit# or Medi$are% <ou adopt a homeless $at off the street or go into a shelter and adopt a dog%
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)raw a $ir$le of $ompassionate a$tion around #ourself, as &ig or small as #ou $are to make it, and within that $ir$le, $reate a kinder world% 'ons$iousness is like an unimagina&l# huge s#mphon# or$hestra, pla#ing all the notes, all the time, all at on$e% Mind is like a $omposer3$ondu$tor who $omes along and $hooses "arious notes and puts them together in a linear fashion so the# $an &e experien$ed and appre$iated as a song or melod#% Is that song going to &e harmonious or dis$ordantD ill it &e a happ# or melan$hol# tuneD +a$h or ,, !opD It@s entirel# up to #ou% I don?t think the whole of $ons$iousness knows or $ares what?s &eing done with all the "i&rations at all the freCuen$ies it is radiating% +ut that doesn?t mean that we as apparentl# separate minds should not $are% In fa$t, ma#&e the truth is that we are the wa# $ons$iousness $an $are, and there&# we make something meaningful out of that apparentl# meaningless radiation% I hope that if and when the time $omes for ea$h of us, we will &e willing and &ra"e and selfless enough to make that +odhisatt"a "ow% In the meantime #ou $an keep feeding the $ats, &e$ause it makes #ou and them happ#% <ou $an gi"e the fi"e &u$ks to the homeless woman on the $orner, &e$ause this is how a more pea$eful and happ# world is &uilt%
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'ittle ed
I think little Red is d#ing% Fe is the O #ear old male $at that keeps Lakshmi, $ompan# in the offi$e with me% !he &lood test results are weird a$$ording to his on$ologist, who thinks it is iron defi$ien$# anemia, not $an$er, #et iron supplements ha"e not helped% Red responded for a time when we ga"e him Lrogen &# in5e$tion, whi$h &uilds red $ells to $ounter his anemia, &ut this onl# treats the s#mptoms not the underl#ing disease% So, he appears to &e de$ompensating despite treatment% !he onl# re$ourse is to take him to #et another spe$ialist, for a go around on other tests and ma#&e hospitalization%
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+ut of $ourse we are talking a&out an additional W1,000 for tests and o"ernight hospitalization, and he reall# appears too weak to respond fa"ora&l#% M# experien$e has &een that $ats are hard to keep ali"e on$e the# de"elop a se"ere malad#% Lakshmi, is an ex$eption, with nearl# four #ears of sur"i"al after &eing diagnosed with $an$er% I am feeling an almost $rushing depression this morning &e$ause of little Red@s illness% I will take him to a new "et this afternoon, &ut there is little hope% !he two "ets, in$luding an on$ologist, that ha"e seen him, ha"e no idea% e ha"e 5ust &een treating s#mptoms% M# feeling is on$e again I ha"e failed someone% I did not a$t soon enough or aggressi"el# enough, et$% !his is mu$h how I felt a&out m# fa"orite $at, Sat$hi, when she died 1/ #ears ago% M# lo"e, m# $are failed her% So man# times ha"e I failed to pro"ide animals or people with what the# needed, #et it is onl# with the approa$h of death that the failure@s effe$ts trul# rea$h home% ell, we 5ust got &a$k from the "etE &ad news% Red has a s#stemi$ $an$er and needs to &e put to sleep% Fis right kidne# is "er# small, &ut the left kidne# is
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four times its normal size, misshapen, and lump#% !hat is, it is riddled with $an$er% !he "et, the Amazing )r% Reimer at Adler@s M'A in the Malle#, got a se$ond opinion &# 'raig Adler, )MM who shares the pra$ti$e% It appears m# instin$ts were right fi"e weeks ago to &egin treating Little Red for $an$er assuming it was the same kind that Lakshmi had% +ut unlike Lakshmi@s *%I% l#mphoma, Red@s $an$er is s#stemi$ and $ertainl# has metasti$ized alread#, and is $ausing multiple organ failure to &egin% Fe is in pain, &ut not ex$eptional pain at this point% !here is reall# nothing that $an &e done% Reimer said we &ought Red an extra fi"e weeks &# &eginning the $hemotherap# on August Q, &ut s#stemi$ $an$ers usuall# get around $hemotherap# in short order% !he options were to do a &one marrow aspiration, followed &# an ultrasound of the kidne#, then an aspiration of the kidne# to stage and t#pe the $an$er, and $hoose alternati"e $hemotherapies% +ut he said he dou&ted that would e"en &u# Red an extra two months% So, he ga"e Red a &ig -Qmg. shot of )examethasone, a steroid used to fight $an$er, and to gi"e him a little time &efore we ha"e him put to sleep%
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I did not do it toda#, &e$ause Red is one of 7erima@s fa"orite $ats and she was at work% She would want to &e present at his death as we &oth ha"e &een with all of our $ats% ish him well dear friends%
My 3(ol(ing ;,e+ression;
4ow it is a "ast inner emptiness, self-illumined, entirel# merged with the outer emptiness of the world, through whi$h the depression passes% It flows through the "is$era and mus$les of m# &od#, and through the larger sense of presen$e like a "ast ship slowl# mo"ing through an empt# sea% 4o &liss, no e$sta$#, 5ust the energ# field of depression, mo"ing slowl#, em&ra$ing the entiret# of m# presen$eE an amazing experien$e, uno&s$ured &# an# other phenomena% !he whole uni"erse is per"aded &# sadness% E"er#thing still, $alm, unmo"ing, ex$ept the loss of Little Red, s$ouring m# soul% E"en the personhood of Ed is a ghostl# presen$e in the emptiness, like a $loud, no longer self-aware, 5ust another o&5e$t%
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I am the Moid, deep $alm, I am Ed, I am depression% I am the $ontainer and the $ontained, and it is all me, #et strangel#, it does not tou$h me mu$h% It 5ust is% I $ould $hoose to identif# with Ed, with the Moid, with the depression, or e"er#thing at on$e, the oneness% +ut I am letting the identifi$ation $hoose itself% <esterda# it was with m# &od# and the sense of presen$eE toda# it is with the totalit# em&ra$ed &# the Moid% 9rom this identifi$ation "iewpoint, Ed and the &od# do not reall# exist% !he# are like phantoms suspended in emptiness% 9ortunatel#, all m# medi$al reports are done and I do not ha"e an#thing to do ex$ept write this and feed m# $ats% 'OMME4! !O ME( Ed5i, is it reall# not sti$king to some degreeD And how $an #ou sa# the depression does not tou$h #ou mu$h when it goes on for da#s and da#sD It ma# &e $oming and going, or flowing through #ou, &ut #ou ha"e &een depressed a lot sin$e #ou realized Little Red was d#ing% !here has &een Swhat seems to &eU a kind of emotional self-indulgen$e, definitel# &e#ond an# des$ription written &# a 5nani that I ha"e e"er read%
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4ot making a 5udgment or e"en sa#ing @selfindulgen$e@ in an# emotion is wrongE &ut #ou ha"e said repeatedl# that #ou are not all that tou$hed, and #our demeanor would indi$ate otherwise% I@m not talking a&out $on$epts, &ut a dire$t feeling of #ou as it emanates from #our posts% ould #ou $larif# thisD Ed?s Response( <es, the state toda# is mu$h like the intensit# of m# original awakening state in 1PP/ now% 6ust a "ast emptiness, inner and outer mergedE no Ed an#more, no personal% !he identifi$ation is with e"er#thing toda#, unlike #esterda#% A$tuall# things and states are $hanging Cuite rapidl#% E"en the Cualit# of IdepressionI $hanges dail#, for :depression; is 5ust a word, the a$tual experien$e is ineffa&le, &ut I am tr#ing to $on"e# the :fragran$e; of that experien$e in words some might understand% !here are no other affe$ts% Lo"e, anger, fear, all are gone, 5ust a sense of a dense energ# mo"ing through the totalit# of me% hat I am indulging in is that I ha"e the free time to explore melan$holia, &erea"ement, more $losel# and deepl# than e"er &efore%
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h# on earth would I want to rush through this experien$eD It is newE it is deep and totall# in"ol"ing and allows me to see how e"er#thing is put together% h# rushD Red died 5ust fi"e da#s ago, how mu$h time are #ou allowingD One da#D !hreeD 9i"eD A #earD It does not matterE it is unfolding at its own pa$e% As a matter of fa$t, #ou will find few tea$hers an#where des$ri&ing their inner states this wa#% !he# want #ou to pro5e$t what it is #ou want into them, su$h as( pea$efulness, "italit#, lo"e, and an#thing the# might state a&out what the# reall# think or feel $ould lead to the &usting of #our pro5e$tions% Also, man# tea$hers &elie"e that students do not want them to &e seen as an#thing like their students, for what is there to learn thenD +ut reall#, e"er#one is a&out the same% hat I am tr#ing to show #ou is how to sta# with feelings no matter how Iapparentl#I painful the# ma# appear to persons not used to feeling deepl#% <ou need to ha"e patien$e for as long as the pro$ess lasts, no matter how deep or :painful; the feeling ma# initiall# feel% !his means #ou need to trust #ourself% If #ou $annot feel deepl#, #ou $annot sta# still long enough to feel and en5o# the "oids, or $reate the spa$e for &liss and e$stasies either% <ou $an wat$h all this stuff pass through ><OB?, who is unmo"ing% <ou
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are the patient, a$$epting experien$ed is a guest%
hostE
e"er#thing
-A$tuall#, the more ad"an$ed tea$hing is( Sometimes #ou are the host, sometimes the guest, sometimes &oth% +ut in the des$ription a&o"e, I was tr#ing to des$ri&e the host position $learl#%.
7ell" the ,eed is ,one< 'ittle ed is ,ead<
!he "et said the tumor has not shrunk an#, and his gums were e"en whiter, meaning more anemi$% Fe was more a$ti"e now &e$ause the massi"e amounts of steroids were $ana&alizing his mus$le tissue, &ut gi"ing him more energ# to li"e% Fe lost a half pound of weight in three da#s, whi$h was 10X of his &od# weight in 5ust three da#s% Reimer said he would pro&a&l# $rash, as so often happens when people dela# euthanasia, to the middle of night% Red was in pain with a "er# sensiti"e a&domen% So &oth 7erima and I felt the time was right% It felt right% Red was d#ing feeling a little &etter than two da#s ago, rather than going off &eing rushed to an emergen$# "et in the middle of the night%
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Fe was killed &# in5e$ting a /V o"erdose of an anestheti$, and was dead within 1/ se$onds after an in5e$tion into a "ein in his thigh% Red did not fight at an# time, and was "er# passi"e% +oth 7erima and I $ried% I had to dri"e, she $ould not% e went to a $offee house and had $offee in silen$e% !hen we went to dinner, and again ate in silen$e% e &oth felt so angr# that this little $at had died two da#s after his se$ond &irthda# of a "er# aggressi"e $an$er% I am home in m# offi$e where Little Red li"ed% Lakshmi seems $onfused &e$ause Little Red is not here% She keeps looking for him% Little Red will &e $remated and 5oin our famil# on the firepla$e mantle% M# depression regarding Little Red@s death is deepening% I full# feel the traged# that Ro&ert $alled this earth the lowest of hells% !he stor# of how LE!A, AS9L'!A, the Madison 'ount# Sheriff and the $ourts destro#ed 'a&oodles 5ust reinfor$es it% I ha"e seen that legalized $rime used against so man# res$uers, a$$used of animal negle$t or $ruelt#, ha"ing all the animals impounded, the owner sent to 5ail, and half the
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animals killed in the shelters for minor diseases, or &eing too old, and the# $all it a res$ue% !hen the# $harge the former owner hundreds of thousands of dollars for pro"iding I$areI for the animals the# a&du$ted% M# depression has $hanged% I $annot fun$tion% I $an &arel# mo"e% +ut m# mind and &od# feel $lear% M# $ons$iousness is empt# and light% !he hea"iness of three da#s ago is gone, &ut that hea"iness, in a wa#, was so $omforting, like a gentle &lanket $omforting a &roken heart% 4ow that heart is exposed to the light of finalit# of Red@s non-&eing, of all the 'a&oodles $ats d#ing and the desperate loneliness, and anger 'raig must feel a&out his loss% <es, I also feel a gentle anger, &oth at I hat IsI for taking that most gentle soul, Red, from me and taking him awa# into the dissolution of the Moid% Fe was su$h a gentle soul, and Lakshmi@s $onstant attendant% hat I feel is like a a dr# gentle wind &lowing through m# heart, $ausing it to shri"el a little &efore its dr#ness, &ut also filling m# larger sense of presen$e with a restiness, a need to stop and lie still, thinking not of what to do toda#, dropping all $hores to &e done, and 5ust settle into the grief%
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Fow is it feltD Like a great aloneness spread throughout m# &od# and the surrounding presen$e #ou might sa# of m# soul% A waiting for a permeating deadness to mo"e off or up in one wa# of anotherE a waiting for Little Red@s death to pass through me, and to let go of him and his presen$e% Fere I sit in m# offi$e toda# and Little Red has &een gone OO hours% Lakshmi is on m# lap% I am still surrounded &# Red?s water &owl and food dishes, and a&out Q feet from where he used to la# most often% At first this morning I felt strange% I felt the emptiness inside that I alwa#s felt, &ut mostl# I felt the a&sen$e of emotions, the a&sen$e of sadness or loss% *raduall# though a weight settled on m# $hest making it a little diffi$ult to &reathe, then I felt a wa"e of tension in m# &a$k, like a stiff &lanket $o"ering m# upper &a$k and shoulders% !hen I &egan feeling a pain in m# heart, &oth sharp and dull at the same time, and a deepening sadness spread throughout m# presen$e% 9inall#, I was feeling depressed% <esterda# it was 5ust sho$k and dis&elief% !oda#, I feel a raw depression( Fea"iness, loss, sadness, and welling up of tears remem&ering Little Red?s dead &od# on the &lanket, and how, after the "et left the room, I $losed Red?s e#es so he appeared to &e asleep%
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<es, it is so hard to feel this loss, and I miss his presen$e% +ut then I think, : h# would an#one want to run from this feelingD; +uddha en$ountered si$kness and death, felt his own $onfusion of wh# this was, felt the suffering of those who felt the losses, and determined to understand what this was all a&out, this suffering, death, and depression% 9inall# after se"en #ears of austerities, stud#ing with tea$hers, fasting and meditation he rea$hed enlightenment and &e$ame an arhat, a Mukti, one in whom the Self had dried up and &lown awa#, one who no longer was atta$hed to an#thing, one who felt a slow-&urning &ene"olen$e for all, &ut ultimatel# was not tou$hed &# an#thing &e$ause he was not atta$hed to an#thing or an# out$ome% Fe no longer lo"ed as a parent or a lo"er, &ut as Ro&ert said regarding the 6nani, someone no longer tou$hed &# the world and its :"issisitudes,; and there&# the :sting; was gone% +ut is this itD Is this wh# we pra$ti$e meditation, self-inCuir# and spiritualit#, to es$ape the :sting; of death, either &# feeling estranged from e"er#one, no longer atta$hed to an#thing or an#oneD If this is the onl# reason our spiritualit# is purel# a sophisti$ated form of ego defense against feeling emotional pain, inse$urit#, loss and fear of death% Is there an#thing else in spiritualit# &eside es$apeD
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<es, Ro&ert onl# spoke of es$ape, of graduall# sees the whole pi$ture of life, and one learns deta$hment &# witnessing and deli&eratel# not rea$ting% +ut for whatD hat was the reward for d#ing to our human atta$hmentsD ell, in going within we find the &liss of self, whi$h graduall# gi"es wa# to e$stas#% +ut e"entuall# these phases pass and one 5ust en$ounters a deeper pea$e, and the $lear, self-illumined "oid, and a kind of e"er present, mild happiness% Also, we go to a pla$e where lo"e and idealism is safe% In this area our lo"e is perfe$t and we $an hang onto the &elief of the omnipoten$e of lo"e, that :true lo"e; $onCuers death and an# other o&sta$les% e are $o$ooned in a self-$ontained Self-awareness with no dualit#, 5ust me% I saw we $an ha"e &oth our humanit# and the Infinite% On$e finding the ro$k &ottom le"els of $ons$iousness, the so $alled A&solute &e#ond $ons$iousness, as well as knowing the >I Am? and the lo"e of the >I Am,? as well as the state of not knowing and ignoran$e, $an we not return to &eing a regular human again, totall# feeling the pangs of loss, desperation, lo"e, and all the other emotions asso$iated with &eing human% )o we reall# want to
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run from them an#more, or do we want to em&ra$e our limitations and "ulnera&ilit#D +asi$all#, m# answer is( #es we do want to em&ra$e it all% e return to the marketpla$e, the normal world of humanit# and its frailt#, &ut we $ome &earing gifts we $an offer others, of true humilit#, true $ompassion, and the deepest lo"es an#one has e"er felt, letting e"er#one know it is alright to feel deepl# e"er#thing that arises, and to $are deepl# and to lo"e deepl# with great atta$hment and $ommitment%
Ed at Satsang.
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Strong 3motions" Negati(e and &ositi(e$$a &ath to /od

+a$k in 1P8G I wrote a Master?s !hesis entitled, :Enlightenment as a )efense Against Ls#$hologi$al Lain%; I proposed that man# spiritual pra$ti$es, su$h as mantra and man# forms of meditation were $ons$ious te$hniCues used to es$ape pain or mood disorders, su$h as anxiet# or depression% 9reud and other earl# ego ps#$hologists spoke a&out $ons$ious and un$ons$ious ego defenses su$h as repression, denial, pro5e$tion, splitting, pro5e$ti"e identifi$ation, su&limation, disso$iation and displa$ement, et$%, to a"oid the anxiet# or internal $onfli$t arising from $ons$ious awareness of li&idinal impulses of the Id, or the $rushing guilt and $riti$isms of the superego% !hrough defense me$hanisms, the $ons$ious awareness was more pea$eful as the ego moderated and modulated &oth the urges to lo"e, or to destro# o&sta$les or people that got in the wa# of fulfillment, as well as those of the internalized $ontroller and punisher -the superego., the internalized representati"e of so$ietal repression and $on"ention% +esides moderating the &attle &etween the Id and the Superego, the ego weighed the $onseCuen$es of
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the person?s a$ts, the realit# prin$iple% !he ego had a "er# diffi$ult 5o&% +a$k then I spoke of man# forms of spiritualit# as &eing $ons$ious me$hanisms of finding rest from these internal wars &# $ons$iousl# $reating no thought, no emotion states whi$h were a parod# of a :true spiritualit#; where a person sought their own $ore Self, Self-Realization, of whi$h the personal self was a part% !hrough this faux spiritualit#, people found rest from neuroti$ anxiet# in tea$hings of pea$e, lo"e, a$$eptan$e, or ideas that humanit# was turning the $orner into an enlightened world of no war, no po"ert#, no disease or death% Or else the# got into "arious healing modalities, and 4ew Age philosophies, dominated &# positi"e thinking% Meditators $ould find pea$e &# sta#ing in meditation on the "arious "oids or states of emptiness% Leople li"ed &# examples of loft# tea$hings, glad tidings, $on$epts of &eing a good person, et$% Or the# used mantra and 5apa to $rowd out all thinking and emotions% E"entuall#, either the methods failed and the person a&andoned them, or perhaps the# died to their emotional sel"es and &e$ame emotionall# deadened% !he# lost their humanit# and &e$ame permanent
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poll#anish, glad-sa#ers who found e"er#thing in their li"es and the world O7% !heir $ons$ious minds ga"e e"er#thing a positi"e &ent( E"er#one had the perfe$t tea$her or pra$ti$e for them% E"er#one was getting out of life exa$tl# what the# needed or deser"ed% !here were no good and &ad tea$hers, it was all relati"e% !he world and life was unfolding as the# should% All was preordained, no need to think or worr# a&out an#thing% !hus, the# died to their humanit#, and the realit# of li"ing in an imperfe$t and sometimes harsh and ugl# world% !FIS IS !O!AL +BLLSFI!= hen one pra$ti$es :real; spiritualit# long enough, has wrestled with all of his or her demons, felt deepl# and dealt with death, loss of lo"ed ones, deep 5ealous#, deep frustration, rage, hatred, as well as lo"e so deep that one &e$omes lost in e$stati$ &liss, then one finds that ALL I4!E4SE EMO!IO4S, on$e the# are no longer feared or resisted, $on"ert into mo"ing &liss, and when sustained, into e$stas#% At this point emotions and pro&lems are eagerl# sought, and this a$$eptan$e attitude in"igorates one?s entire &eing, &ringing an extraordinar# ali"eness% All those negati"e emotions when fa$ed, a$$epted, and e"en lo"ed, turn into ali"eness, lo"e, and e$stas#=
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+ut to know this, to feel this, to own this truth #ou need to &e a&le to experien$e e"er#thing, from the deepest humiliation and exposure, to the most intense, e$stati$ lo"e of someone #ou must not lo"e, of for&idden sexual impulses, su$h as the son for the mother, or daughter for the father, or someone else?s spouse% !his does not mean #ou ha"e to a$t out e"er# impulse, &ut #ou do ha"e to reown the lost parts of #our long lost personal self and &ring them into awareness% One of the most powerful ke#s in this +hakti$ path is awakening one?s sexualit#% !his allows #ou to &lossom as a human, to lo"e and lust whether $onsummated or not% !here is a rawness in deep romanti$ lo"e and lust that $auses the shakti to flow most powerfull#, and whi$h $an awaken the Self from her imposed $oma of mundane life, $on"entions and $on$epts% Intense lo"e in a sensiti"e person aware of their deepest impulses and fears $auses a Cui$kening of 7undalini and 'hi energies whi$h prepare one for the arising of the Self in $ons$iousness, experien$ed as an explosion of light, energ#, lo"e and e$stas#% !he experien$e of Self arising from within is totall# &e#ond an#thing going &efore% !his one Self-of-all is so powerful, so pure, and so $omplete, that it feels like
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:Other,; like *odE #et we know intuiti"el# that it is reall# us% e are di"ine &eings ultimatel#% !o do these things, to awaken to the totalit# of #ourself, reCuires $omplete openness, $omplete fearlessness of exposure &efore *od or man% <our life and a$tions are as an open &ook with no fear of humiliation, retri&ution, $ondemnation, or loss of lo"ed ones% <ou &e$ome as strong as a mountain, more fearless than A$hilles, more lo"ing than 7rishna or 'hrist, more &lessed than Mar#, more honored than +uddha, for #ou $annot &e $ut &# words, hurt &# exposure, tempted &# mone# or the $on$ept of pea$e% hen #ou ha"e rea$hed this state #ou no longer run from pain as does e"er#one else, &ut #ou run towards it, for those strong negati"e and positi"e emotions are the suppressed and feared #ou% hen #ou regain these lost elements of #our &uried, personal self, that integration explodes in #ou the power to a$$ess the !rue Self, the >I Am,? the *odhead= 4o matter how easil# or often #ou $an a$$ess samadhis, or dip into !uri#a "ia a&iding in the >I Am,? until #ou ha"e &rought #our unwashed, un$lean, dishonest, rageful, 5ealous and extremel# need# and &uried parts of #our self into the open, and then, going further, show them to the worldE #ou will not &e a&le
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to sta# there% As long as #ou ha"e an# fear of *od or an# man or woman seeing #ou other than #our idea of how #ou think #ou should &e seen, #our tasting of the Self will &e &rief% !his does not den# that repeated tasting of the Self, the immense sour$e of the >I Am?, aids immeasura&l# in gi"ing #ou the $ourage and strength to own, appre$iate and lo"e e"er#thing that arises within #ou, and to eCuall# prize, lo"e and appre$iate those who $ause intense emotions in #ou, &oth negati"e and positi"e, &e$ause the# are gi"ing #ou the opportunit# to experien$e *od in the form of Shakti% All emotions lead to &liss, to e$stas#, to *od if #ou let them% !herefore run towards emotional pain, not from it=
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o!ert Adams II
Ro&ert Adams, who taught a small group of students Cuietl# and uno&trusi"el# for O0 #ears in Los Angeles, was one of the &est-kept spiritual se$rets of our time% Fe founded no ashrams, $enters, or institutes, ne"er le$tured in pu&li$ or taught workshops, was rarel# inter"iewed or photographed, and pu&lished no &ooks% E"en toward the end of his life, when word a&out him had &egun to spread, his weekl# meetings or satsangs ne"er ex$eeded /0 parti$ipants% And #et he was perhaps the onl# Ameri$an to em&od# and transmit the nondual experien$e and tea$hings dire$tl# from Ramana Maharshi, $onsidered &# man# to &e one of the greatest of all modern spiritual masters of India% Ramana Maharshi, had a spontaneous awakening at the age of 1G% *ripped &# the fear of death, he stret$hed out like a $orpse, stiffened his &od#, and said to him self, I ell, m# &od# is dead% I see it% It will soon &e $remated% +ut who is it that diesDI Fis intense inCuir# into this Cuestion resulted in the realization that the &od# dies, &ut Self-Awareness ne"er de$a#s% !his Self-Awareness, he later said, Iis unrelated to an#thingE it is also self-luminous% E"en if this &od# is &urned, it will not &e affe$ted% Fen$e I realized, that "er# da#, that I was that Awareness%I
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!his realization ne"er left him% Soon after his awakening, the #oung &o# left home and made his wa# to the hol# mountain Aruna$hala% Fe spent man# #ears there, meditating in a $a"e, ne"er speaking% E"entuall# Ramana Maharshi &e$ame $ele&rated as a Self-Realized 5nana -wisdom. #ogi, a great master of the spiritual tradition known as Ad"aita -Inot-twoI. Medanta% !hough man# $an dis$uss this tradition in great length and with great learning, Ramana was one of the "er# few who had a dire$t experien$e of realization of non-dualit#% E"entuall# an ashram grew up around him, and his presen$e drew spiritual seekers from all o"er the world% 9or the most part he taught through silen$e, and his first two &ooks, Self InCuir# and ho Am ID, were $omposed of written answers to Cuestions posed &# de"otees% hen he did &egin to speak, he t#pi$all# $ame &a$k again and again to the same point( IE"er#one sa#s >I? without understanding the signifi$an$e of that pronoun% !he seeker of truth should first asked a Cuestion I ho am IDI As often as an idea or thought rises, then and there, the seeker should ask himself, I!o whom has this idea o$$urredDI !his pro$ess, he taught, would lead to li&eration%
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A ,warf and a Siddhi
Like Ramana, Ro&ert Adams had a spontaneous experien$e of awakening as a #oung &o#% +orn in 1PO8 in the +ronx, Ro&ert?s earliest memor# was of a O foot high dwarf with white hair and a white &eard who would stand at the foot of his &ed and 5a&&er at him in a language he $ould not understand% !his little man finall# disappeared when Ro&ert was se"en% After the little man stopped $oming, Ro&ert de"eloped a Siddhi, a power% +# this time, he said, he felt the world &elonged to him% hene"er he wanted something, he 5ust repeated *od@s name three times, and within minutes or hours it would &e gi"en to him% On$e he thought he would like to take "iolin lessons and so he $ited *od@s nameE his un$le showed up with the "iolin, sa#ing he thought Ro&ert might en5o# learning the instrument% +# the time Ro&ert was 1Q, he hardl# studied at all% hene"er a test $ame up, he would again 5ust sa#, I*od, *od, *od=I and the $orre$t answers would $ome% One da#, 5ust &efore taking an alge&ra test, he repeated *od@s name three times% !hen rather than the alge&ra answers, something else $ame to him, a great awakening% A&out the experien$e itself Ro&ert alwa#s remains reti$ent, sa#ing it was inexpressi&le%
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I+ut,I he said, IIt $hanged m# life $ompletel#%I In fa$t, Ro&ert &egan to $hange so mu$h his mother thought he was going mad% Fe was no longer interested in food, s$hool, &ooks, friends, or ho&&ies% Fe had no idea what had happened to him, and &egan exploring Eastern religious &ooks% One da# he happened on the &ook ho am ID &# Ramana Maharshi% Bpon seeing Ramana@s photograph, he said, II was sho$ked% !he hair on m# head and ne$k stood up% !he little man who had le$tured me all those #ears was Ramana%I Ro&ert attended meetings and had long $on"ersations with spiritual tea$her 6oel *oldsmith% E"entuall# he dis$o"ered the Auto&iograph# of a <ogi &# Laramhansa <ogananda, and made up his mind to stud# with him% So at age 1G he left home for En$initas, 'alifornia% !aken in &# <ogananda, the &o# asked to &e$ome a monk at the Self Realization 9ellowship monaster#% +ut <ogananda refused the reCuest% IFe $ouldn?t wait to get rid of me,I Ro&ert remem&ered% II kept asking him wh# he taught all the pra$ti$es, Mantras, affirmations, and healing te$hniCues, when all of this missed the point of Self RealizationD <ogananda?s attitude was, II@"e done "er# well, thank #ou, doing things this wa#=I +e$ause of the nature of Ro&ert?s spontaneous awakening and his $onne$tion to the little white-
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haired dwarf, <ogananda told Ro&ert that Romana was his true tea$her%
Meeting amana
)uring the fall of 1PQG, Ro&ert tra"eled to India, arri"ing &# train in the town of !iru"annamalai, a few miles from Aruna$hala Mountain, the site of Ramana Maharshi@s ashram% Earl# the next da#, while walking towards the ashram, he spotted Ramana $oming down the path towards them% An ele$trif#ing energ# $oursed through his &od#% Fe felt $ompletel# open% As Ramana got $loser, Ro&ert stripped off all his $lothes and dropped at his feet% Ramana rea$hed down, gra&&ed Ro&ert &# his shoulders, looked into his e#es and said, II ha"e &een waiting for #ou% *et up= *et up=I Ro&ert sta#ed at Ramana ashram for almost 2 #ears, during whi$h time he &ought a 5eep for the ashram to &ring in supplies from town and helped &uild a large hospital using mone# from an inheritan$e% )uring the late 1PQ0s Ramana was almost $onstantl# ill with se"ere arthritis and other ailments, in$luding the $an$er that e"entuall# killed him% 9ew "isitors were allowed to sta# for more than a few weeks at the ashram, so Ro&ert li"ed mostl# in the
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$a"es a&o"e% Fe later said, IIt was with Ramana that m# e#es were opened to the meaning of m# experien$e%I After Ramana died, Ro&ert wanted to "isit se"eral other saints in India, &ut had no mone# left% !he famed Ramana &iographer Arthur Os&orne, hearing a&out Ro&ert?s situation, ga"e him WH,000 to $ontinue his tra"els and spiritual edu$ation% Ro&ert wandered a$ross India and roamed the world off and on during the next 20 #ears% Fe said he wanted to make sure he had not missed an#thing% 4o matter where Ro&ert tra"eled, he was dis$o"ered, and a group of dis$iples grew up around him% +ut he alwa#s resisted &eing tied down to an ashram or $ommunit# and soon mo"ed on% E"entuall#, howe"er, he de$ided it was time to stop and take on a small group of students, to whom he would pass out his understanding% ithout pu&li$it# or fanfare of an# kind he $alml# &egan holding satsang in Los Angeles%
Into the Silence
I first met Ro&ert Adams in 6une of 1P8P% I had &een a ,en monk for man# #ears and still had not found what I was seeking% I re$ei"ed a do$torate in
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ps#$holog# and started m# own ps#$hotherap# pra$ti$e% +ut examining m# emotions 5ust seemed to make me more aware of m# unhappiness% O"er the next few #ears I would hear Ro&ert sa# the most perplexing things( I4othing is as it appears to &e% !he world is not real% <ou are not #our &od#, #ou are not a human &eing, #ou are *od, the A&solute, omnis$ient, immortal, all lo"ing-perfe$tion%I +ut a da# later he would sa#, I4othing exists, not the world, not #our &od#, mind, not the A&solute or *od% !hese are all 5ust words%I One da# he would sa#, I)on@t get ex$itedE whate"er #ou see, tou$h, hear, or feel is not real% Look within and find > ho? #ou reall# are%I Another da# he would sa#, I hat is the worst thing that $an happen to #ouD <ou $an die, and what is so &ad a&out thatDI I ne"er knew how to take his $omments% !he# flew in the fa$e of the e"iden$e of m# senses, whi$h $onstantl# showed me the external world as solid and real% Still I trusted him and his tea$hings, &e$ause of his utter pea$efulness% Fe alwa#s maintained the same &earing of deep eCuanimit# whether in satsang, riding in a $ar, sitting in the park, or at lun$h% Fe spoke with a Cuiet $onfiden$e, as if he were talking from a li"ing and a&solute $onstant experien$e, not mouthing philosophi$al knowledge learned from &ooks or from Ramana% +e$ause I trusted him and his tea$hings, I
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$hanged% E"er#one re$ognized that I was less arrogant, less $onfrontational, less angr#, less sting#, less frightened of the worldE I was softer, gentler, and kinder% Man# people, espe$iall# those $oming from other traditions emphasizing the transmission of tea$hings or of shakti -spiritual power., found our satsang meetings &oring% Ro&ert did not present te$hniCues to find &liss or *od, or make life work &etter% !here was little $hanting and few external signs of de"otion among his dis$iples% Lastl#, Ro&erts Larkinson@s disease slurred his spee$h, hampering eas# understanding of his words% -I alwa#s a$$used him of getting the disease 5ust to make people listen harder%. Fe also spoke slowl#, and with long gaps &etween senten$es% Fe emphasized silen$e rather than $ontent% Some new$omers found the whole experien$e la$king in energ#, understanding, de"otion, or e"en &asi$ $omprehensi&ilit#% +ut &e$ause so mu$h was la$king externall#, those who sta#ed were drawn deep within the silen$e% In fa$t, silen$e is the &est des$ription of Ro&ert% Silen$e was his home, his sour$e, his &eing, his tea$hing% 6ust &eing in his presen$e had a profound effe$t on man# people% Some were o"er$ome &# happiness, others &# pea$e% Some felt deep relaxation that lapsed into a &arel# $ons$ious Isleep%I Some experien$ed sinking into lightE others a dissol"ing into emptiness as
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the world dissol"ed into themE others a deep &liss and nothing else% 9or ea$h it was different% Mostl# Ro&ert was impertur&a&le% Fe ne"er $omplained, ne"er la$ked a read# smile or humorous $ome&a$k, and I ne"er saw him angr#% Fe took a disarming lite, e"en wr#, approa$h to the spiritual sear$h% ISome of the group asked me to speak a&out suffering,I he announ$ed one e"ening% II don@t know if the# want me to tell them how to suffer, or how to get rid of suffering,I he laughed% I hen #ou are suffering, #ou look for someone to relie"e #ou of #our suffering% +ut if #ou take this approa$h, when the one miser# is taken awa#, another ensues% !here is no end to it%I ISo what do we doD e lea"e the world alone% e inCuire within% !o whom has this $omeDI !hat is what #ou must do with e"er# pro&lem, with e"er# tumm# a$he, with e"er# happiness, and with e"er#thing #ou see in the world% ho is this >I?D ho ga"e it &irthD ho is its sour$eDI Another e"ening someone $omplained that selfinCuir# seemed Ilike a "er# intense a$ti"it#%I I4o,I Ro&ert replied% I)o it in a $omi$al wa#% Make a game out of it% )on@t take it too seriousl#%I IIs inCuir#, a form of seeking, indi$ati"e of egoDI another student asked%
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I<ou ha"e to use #our ego to destro# #our ego,I said Ro&ert% I<ou use #our mind to destro# #our mind%I I!hen there is no seeking after $ertain pointDI IAll seeking stops%I I h# $an?t we do that at the &eginningDI !he student persisted% I<ou $an% h# don@t #ouDI Ro&ert laughed%
Ro&ert?s pla#ful, mis$hie"ous st#le of tea$hing $ontinued outside of satsang% In is "er# low-ke# wa#, he would sa# one thing to one person and a different thing to someone else% Sometimes he would appear not to remem&er promises, though his memor# was ex$ellent, or he would eCui"o$ate in su$h a wa# that e"er#one thought he had agreed to their separate and $ontradi$tor# wishes% Fe denied &eing a guru, &ut a$ted like one and $onstantl# extolled the "irtues of the Irealized &eingI or sage% Fe e"en appeared to set people up so the# would $lash with ea$h other% 9or example, after I first met Ro&ert, I &egan trans$ri&ing all of his talks, with the idea of selling them at satsang, gi"ing a per$entage to Ro&ert, and keeping apart for m#self to start a pu&lishing $ompan# for satsang% It all made sense% Ro&ert did the talkingE I re$orded the talks, trans$ri&ed them, edited them, and wrote an introdu$tion to $ap things off% !hus a
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/03/0 split was fair, wasn@t itD !hings went along fine for a while, until one da# I arri"ed at satsang to find new trans$ripts on the ta&le whi$h had &een done &# another student, Mar#% She asked onl# for a donation% !hen the next week, more trans$ripts appeared &# #et another trans$ri&er% I lost m# $oz# post of &eing Ro&ert?s "oi$e, m# new &usiness had gone down the tu&es, and Mar# and I were at loggerheads for time% It was painful, &ut effe$ti"e% I realized that Ro&ert was alwa#s ad5usting the fire, Istirring the potI to make egos &ump into ea$h other, $reating a s$enario in whi$h the grosser aspe$ts of the personalit#( 5ealous#, greed, the need for re$ognition or $ontrol was &rought into the open% Ro&&er was a steel $hisel, kno$king off the ego?s flint# edges%
3:odus
9rom m# first meeting with Ro&ert, he had expressed interest in setting up an ashram in some other $it#% One month it would &e a $it# in 'hile or Argentina, and a #ear later it would &e 'al$utta or 4o"a S$otia% Offers were alwa#s $oming in from around the world, asking Ro&ert to "isit or li"e there, and he usuall# ran these offers &# me and a few others% I $alled this the I'it# de 5ourI game%
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+ut the game turned more serious during Mar$h of 1PP/E he seemed more determined to mo"e% One fateful August da# while dri"ing Ro&ert to satsang, I asked Ro&ert, IRo&ert, isn?t it a&out time we $he$ked out SedonaDI !he people there had offered him e"er#thing he needed, in$luding a residen$e and a satsang house% Fow $ould he refuse su$h generosit# and de$larations of lo"eD Ro&ert de$ided to mo"e &# the end of Septem&er, 5ust four weeks awa#% )uring this time Ro&erts Larkinson@s disease was growing worse, &ut he onl# 5oked a&out his illness% Attendan$e at satsang was in$reasing, for no apparent reason% One e"ening Ro&ert $alled me up to the $hair where he was sitting, $upped his hand &# his mouth, and spoken to m# ear( I!he#@re $oming to see the d#ing guru% !he da# I die, we?ll ha"e a full house%I Another time a de"otee suggested that rather than ha"e Ro&ert gi"e a talk, someone -mean himself. $ould read one of Ro&ert?s earlier talks from a trans$ript% Ro&ert?s response was, Ithere are man# tea$hers who talkE there are man# tea$hers who are silentE &ut there is onl# one tea$her who mum&les=I E"er#thing $hanged now at satsang in Los Angeles% Ro&ert talked mu$h as he alwa#s had, &ut #et he had a radian$e and presen$e that he ne"er re"ealed &efore% Rather than sitting &a$k in his $hair and disappearing into himself for half an hour &efore he talked, as was
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$ustomar#, he sat forward on the edge of his $hair, grasping the mi$rophone, looking at e"er#one intentl#% !his was a "er# different Ro&ert, one who knew that profound $hanges were the air% !he power he was radiating was palpa&le% Ro&ert still 5oked, &ut mostl# he was silent% Sometimes he 5ust looked deep into our e#es% Ro&ert was pouring his all into us, gi"ing us his last &est shot% In Sedona, Ro&ert li"ed with his wife in a spa$ious two-&edroom townhouse% !he entire end of his li"ing room was glass and fa$ed 'apital +utte, a mountain that looks remarka&l# like Aruna$hala% Ro&ert often sat in a large eas# $heer fa$ing the mountain as the Sun rose% !wi$e a da# he took his small dog, )mitri, on walks% Fe slept "er# little, perhaps three hours a night, then he sat in silen$e from three a%m% until six a%m%, 5oined &# de"otees all o"er the world who knew his s$hedule% Ro&ert spent his last da#s talking with students% Fe ga"e two people expli$it instru$tions to &egin satsang in Sedona and Santa Moni$a% !o a few others he handed on the responsi&ilit# for taking $are of his famil#% )uring his last da#s, Ro&ert reCuested $omplete silen$e% )e"otees said he $ould hear the slightest whisper, no matter where the# were in the house, and he would $all out for silen$e%
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A stroke took his "ision in late 9e&ruar#, &ut his mood ne"er $hanged% Ro&ert fa$ed his passing with an attitude of happiness and ex$itement, as if he were em&arking on a great 5ourne#% Ro&ert?s dog had died 5ust a few months &efore, and he had said man# times, I)mitri keeps me groundedE when he passes so will I%I And so it was% !wo nights &efore he passed, de"otees and famil# took him outside for last look at the mountain% Fe pointed upward towards its top and said, ISnow%I 4o&od# understood, for there was no snow on the mountain% A da# or so later, though, the snow &egan to fall, gentl# at first, then with growing fur#% ithin hours e"er#one in the house was trapped, una&le to lea"e, and thus the# were &lessed to witness Ro&ert?s passing in isolation from the outside world% On the e"ening &efore he passed, a great pea$eful energ# permeated his &edroom, and he &egan smiling and laughing% Fe said that Ramana had entered the room, along with 'hrist, +uddha, and man# other saints and sages% Fe asked whether an#one else $ould see them and talk to Ramana and the others, 5ust as he had predi$ted would happen after "ision he had 10 #ears &efore% Fis &od# and fa$e were aglow, and he radiated an energ# that in"igorated e"er#&od#% Students remark that the# felt Ro&ert was working at a su&tle energ# le"el, transforming and purif#ing them%
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Ro&ert was full# $ons$ious when he died and laughed and smiled to the end% Fe said there was no more pain, onl# Itingling,I despite the fa$t he was now also suffering from li"er $an$er% Minutes &efore he died, he held his daughter@s head, mouthing the words( II lo"e #ouE I lo"e #ou=I Fis &od# was &athed &# Mar#, anointed with fragrant oils, and he was dressed in white linen and silk% !hose of us who saw him were o"erwhelmed &# his &eaut#% Larts of his &od# remained warm for da#s, espe$iall# his feet and his $hest% hen Ro&ert?s guru, Ramana Maharshi, was d#ing he told his grie"ing dis$iples, I!he# take this &od# for +haga"an and attri&ute suffering to him% Is it not a great pit#D !he# are despondent that +haga"an is going to lea"e them and go awa#% +ut where $an he goDI Ro&ert left with a similar message% I hen #ou wake up,I he on$e said, Ithere is no su$h thing as &eing well or &eing si$k% +ut #ou don@t understand what I sa# to #ou, and #ou go to different do$tors, taking $oloni$s, going to healers all o"er the world% hat #ou should &e doing is sear$hing for the Self% !hen #ou wake up and see it was all a dream% !he $an$er did not exist% !he sear$hing for relief did not exist% I did not exist% <ou are free% Awaken from this mortal dream% ho has to awakenD Ask #ourself% !here is no thing to wake up% 'an #ou sa# wh# there is reall# nothing to sa#D e $an
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pla# all sorts of games with Mantras, and tantri$ te$hniCues, &ut for what endD 6ust know that #ou are no&od#E there is a&solutel# nothing to doE #ou do not exist% !his relie"es #ou of e"er#thing% It relie"es #ou of all responsi&ilities to #ourself in the world% Some of #ou still &elie"ed that if #ou &e$ome this wa# #ou@ll &e$ome so sar$asti$ and &elligerent, that #ou will not $are or &e lo"ing or kind, &ut this is not true% On the $ontrar#, as #ou drop e"er#thing, as #ou let go of all #our pre$on$ei"ed ideas, #our doggedness, as #ou forget all of #our rituals and all the things #ou ha"e &een doing all #our life, what we $all lo"e &egins to fun$tion as ><ou%? hat we $all $ompassion &egins to fun$tion as ><ou%? Li"ing kindness, pea$e, these attri&utes will automati$all# take o"er, for #ou@"e lost all fear% hen #ou@"e lost all fear for existen$e, lo"e automati$all# takes o"er% <ou $reate a tea$her to wake #ou upE &ut #ou are alread# awake and do not know it% A tea$her gi"es #ou tea$hings, gi"es #ou gra$e, and what #ou understand is that #ou are alread# awake and in pea$e% In return #ou take $are of the tea$her% It is a re$ipro$al game% In #our game, it is #our dream% !herefore waken now and &e free%
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<our heart has to &e #our guide% If #ou are sin$ere, #ou will know where to go and what to do% If #ou are working out of #our ego, #ou will find fault with e"er#thing% I $an tell #ou this mu$h, e"er#one is in the right pla$e% !here are no mistakes% 4one ha"e &een made% 4one are &eing made% !hose people who are with $ertain gurus &elong right where the# are, for the time &eing% !urn within and #our heart will tell #ou where to go%;
,imitri
A LE!!ER RE'EIME) I4 O008 9ROM O4E O9 RO+ER!?S S!B)E4!S I4 SE)O4A( Fi Ed, So ni$e to hear from #ou= !here is a stor# I would like to share with #ou a&out when )imitri left his &od#% It happened like this( I &elie"e this e"ent took pla$e in the month of O$to&er% On one of the da#s that I ga"e Ro&ert a massage, instead of doing it in the morning, he had asked that I do it in the e"ening% I think this was &e$ause 4i$ole
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had the $arpets $leaned% So I $ame o"er in the e"ening and Ro&ert was gi"en a massage% Right after I finished, I heard 4i$ole #elling out that )imitri did a pooh on the freshl# $leaned $arpet% She was Cuite upset a&out it% I $ame out of the &edroom, pi$ked up )imitri and told 4i$ole not to worr#, that I would $lean up the mess% I took )imitri outside and pla$ed him on the ground% I went &a$k inside, $leaned up the pooh, and then went outside to &ring in )imitri% hen I pi$ked him up, he felt hea"ier for some reason% I left him inside the spare &edroom and went to pa$k up m# ta&le% Ro&ert was sitting in the li"ing room, waiting for his dinner% !hen I heard 4i$ole s$ream out, )imitri left the &od#= )imitri left the &od#= I rushed out to see what she was s$reaming a&out and lo and &ehold, )imitri wasn@t &reathing at all% I tried pi$king him up &ut he was $ompletel# deadweight% I felt for a pulse &ut there wasn@t an#% I put a mirror under his nose and there was no sign of &reath% Immediatel#, Ro&ert $ame o"er and looked at his dog l#ing on the floor% Ro&ert pi$ked up one of his paws &ut it flopped &a$k down% 4i$ole was a &it h#steri$al, and I felt extremel# &ad, &e$ause I was the last one to handle )imitri% +ut,
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gi"en )imitri@s alread# weak ph#si$al $ondition, I wasn@t surprised that he had died% A$$ording to the "ets, )imitri should ha"e passed on months ago% e left Ro&ert alone inside the &edroom with his dog and that@s when I noti$ed that Ro&ert did something to the dog@s head and I didn@t think an#thing of it, so I went &a$k inside to $olle$t m# ta&le and &ag and to wait around to see what he wanted to do a&out )imitri% Se$onds later, 4i$ole $ame rushing in taking me &# the hand and lead me &a$k to where Ro&ert and )imitri were% hat I saw &owled me o"er% )imitri was sitting on his haun$hes, gazing up into Ro&ert@s e#es, like he was $ompletel# alert and energized% !hen suddenl#, he fell to the floor and &lood seeped from his nose% 9or almost 20 se$onds, Ro&ert had &een gi"ing )imitri a transmission, e"en after )imitri had alread# ph#si$all# died% I asked Ro&ert what had happened, and he told me that )imitri@s Spirit needed a little help on its wa#% And that he would ne"er ha"e to &e re&orn -- his karma was $omplete -- he was li&erated% !ears streamed down the sides of m# fa$e, as I trul# witnessed something mira$ulous% !he following morning, I took )imitri@s &od# to the $remator#% Ro&ert showed no emotion, as I knew he
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wouldn@t% As mu$h as he lo"ed that dog, he knew that no thing is e"er &orn, and no thing e"er dies% !hat following Sunda#, we had satsang and )imitri was prominentl# talked a&out% Ro&ert and )imitri were like one in the same% I remem&er when Ro&ert mo"ed to Sedona, I used to see him walking )imitri along the est Fighwa# 8PA% I ha"e lots of stories leading up to the time of Ro&ert@s fading% It did snow on the da# &efore he left the &od#% I did read some of the a$$ounts told from the e#es of 4i$ole and her de"otees, a lot of it was em&ellished% +ut I do not want to write an#thing a&out those times, as I promised her that I wouldn@t whilst she was still in the &od#% I understand wh# she is so prote$ti"e and fearful a&out Ro&ert@s tea$hing, that@s all she has left% Ed, 5ust keep on doing what #our are doing, and tell people the truth a&out Ro&ert -- he was the M#sterious Sage as #ou had so eloCuentl# des$ri&ed%
--Adele
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Our &oem
My 2elo*ed, let me as you something. 7hen you wo e u' the 8ni*erse this morning, 9ell me, did the sun shrin ,ac in shyness at the glory of your 'resence: ;id the majestic mountains 'rostrate themsel*es at your feet: ;id the ,irds finally get their chattery act together and sing sweet harmonies in your ear: ;id the ,utterflies gently iss your chee s: ;id the flowers of the field gi*e u' their fragrance to anoint you:
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Self-Realization and Other Awakenings ;id the trees of the field wa*e and cla' giddily as you 'assed ,y: ;id all things, sentient and insentient stand and salute you: ;id the whole 8ni*erse hum,le itself, realizing it shines ,y <our ,orrowed light: 6f not, then my 0o*e, we ha*e some serious 'ro,lems. 7hat is to ,ecome of a world that forgets its only 'ur'ose for e=istence:
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3d Mu%ika Online
#ebs tes: www%wearesentien$e%$om http(33itisnotreal%$om
$LO%: www%itisnotreal%&logspot%$om
Informat on on Ed: www%edwardmuzika%&logspot%$om
Email: satsang%online[gmail%$om
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