The Intent of Stillness:

I Just Want to Be Alone

By Pepper Michaela Lopez

Or, allowing your thoughts to sojourn undisturbed to the heights of creative composition

I Just Want to Be Alone

Anarchist!
Above you will see the resounding answer that recurred in my deep thoughts regarding both following and leading: I just want to be alone. I have never felt that there was an individual more capable than leading my life than me. I am therefore astounded by the communal, deferring, and subordinate nature of following; and about the obvious megalomania which characterizes so many people in leadership positions to which we elect to pass our sovereign authority. I have never been certain why others dont see following as an admission of the lack of, and an inability to cherish the wisdom of your own decisions which do not require perfection but rather a willingness to learn and grow from the results of their impact. Good or bad, right or wrong; I prefer my choices to be mine regardless of success or failure, and my only requisite required is my commitment to engage in the choice completely and take full responsibility for those decisions. And lastly in regard to leading, having the spiritual sense to allow the freedom or the exercising of Gods given free will by others to define themselves under their own terms according to this ideal.

I Just Want to Be Alone

Is it genetics or culturing?
In truth it is how I have always seen the world, or it is the way that in this life time I always believed that I have perceived authority. As a child of four or five I remember finding it very strange the my parents believed that they had the held authority over me. Physical punishment could not concur my will. It is at this age that I realized that my parents were not the source of all knowledge. Developmentally this is years before theorist have demonstrated that a childs locus of authority shifts from external to internal. Yet, I remember it being always so.

At thirteen, in a civics class I asked my teacher how it is that I could become not a citizen of the United States. He stated that I need to become the citizen of another country to which I said approximately, You dont understand my question. I dont want to be a citizen of anywhere.
As an undergraduate I conducted, at twenty-three years approximately, a social experiment regarding the contracts of social power. During this time I tested my ideas now as an adult of leading and following. Socially in all relationships I chose to neither lead nor follow; but to remain independent. The experience proved untenable because if not postulating or vying for social power I was incorrectly, repeated labeled a follower by those with the ambition to lead. Socially it seems that it is solely this dichotomy that is recognized.

I Just Want to Be Alone

A New Call to Leadership.
As an adult entering a program in graduate studies in college counseling and student development I was asked to create specific learning objectives that would help me to improve myself as a leader, and again my mantra spewed forth: I want to be alone. So much had changed from my years as an undergraduate, and my life as a young single male. I have gotten married, fathered five children, and purchased homes. I have gotten divorced after two decades of companionship with my wife, lost custody of our children, lost both homes, and became a grandfather. I found God, rekindled my desire for education, discovered a vehicle to serve others, and began a graduate program twenty-three after earning my bachelors degree. Finally, I was awarded primary physical custody of my three minor children, came out as transgendered, began hormone therapy, and now live full time as a women. In February 2014 a decree changing my name and gender was issued by an order from the California court system. It has been a personal evolution, and a complete reformation of a new identity within the context of social diversity. And, eventually recreating an authentic self as a transsexual student affairs professional, and social justice advocate. Today I am always alone because in virtually every group I am always the only one the only transsexual. My desire for solitude has become enmeshed with a complete sense of isolation from being so very different from literally everyone. Gender dysphoria only occurs by conservative estimates in approximately one in one thousand people.

I Just Want to Be Alone

Do we learn by doing, or must it always be academic?
Initially as I approached the assignment I had felt that learning as a leader was simply with conviction and inspiration following what God has called one to do, being vocal and active to represent that voice, and addressing the change or need with action. The validity of this posture is clear. We learn immensely from experience, by our actions and interactions with others; or by simply doing. Initially I had approached the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin to speak with the newspaper regarding transgendered rights and injustices which the newspaper would publish. Locally there are three great offenders in relation to transgender rights which seem to be by proximity begging that I speak against their actions. The first would be Azusa Pacific University, and its dubious removal of transgendered professor Heath Adam Ackley. The second is the Chino Valley High School Board of Education that passed a referendum of non-support regarding the new law AB1266 which gives transgendered K-12 students the right to use the facilities, services, and activities in relation to their identified gender rather than their assigned birth gender by which they no longer live. The third is anti-transgendered rights antagonist Jack Hibbs of the Calvary Church in Chino Hills who enflamed members of his congregation, his community, and with action designed to deny transgender youth the most fundamental right to exist freely as themselves he as a pundit claiming to know Gods desires gathered 46,000 signatures to bring this issue of transgender rights before the voters in an effort to invalidate the new law signed by Governor Brown and perpetuate transgendered marginalization. But, the learning objections to this social advocacy was fundamentally external. My interview would have been with the intent to educate the cis-gendered community. The learning from my actions would have been powerful, but incidental to my primary intent of advocating for the rights of my community.

The Intent of Stillness

Sharing Wisdom to Benefit Another
What would make me happy?
1. Financial security 2. Transgender Medical benefits 3. A serene spiritual environment and home 4. Really helping my children to become great people 5. A sense of connection 6. A new 2013 all-wheel drive Cayenne Midnight Edition Nissan Juke with a black leather and red interior

This was written in October 2013, and I would consider these goals as current. With this as the subtext of where I am at today, and reflecting upon possible learning objective I could establish to improve who I could be as a leader the fifth point seemed to be the most relevant. I also asked the opinions of three coworkers in an effort to best define these learning goals for myself. Over and over again as I received the feedback from my friends my uncomfortable reaction was an internal squirming at the thought of following others, or leading groups. I asked myself, Why do I want to be alone? Why is this my must fundamental thought in relation to the dynamic of interacting with groups of others? I mused out loud, and our Student Life Coordinator, a graduate student in Buddhist Psychology said, Have you ever heard of Susan Cain? Who is Susan Cain? I asked. He took me to her Ted Talk and asked me to watch her presentation entitled The Power of Introverts. Her presentation explained of years of seeking solitude, years of stimulus reduction in my environment, and the self-concern for a culturally embedded sense of wrongness regarding my constant and socially variant need to be alone.

The Intent of Stillness

How does an introvert lead from her strengths?
After watching Susan Cains Ted Talk I was able to better understand my aversion to leadership and following. Was I really an anarchist, or was I simply by nature more aloof and thoughtful? I understood the cultural intimidation to portray leadership and establish the social hierarchy based on a barrage of outward exuberance which I rarely felt that has forever constantly pulled me away from my diligent, concentrated thoughts. Cain had captured and expressed the alienation I had always felt because of cultural norms, and challenged me to question how I might have denatured myself in this regard. My learning objective now became clear, and it was to develop an understanding how the leadership styles of introverts differs from the culturally dominant models which assumed the superiority of extroverted behavior as being more effective and better suited to the dynamics of creating and inspiring vision. To engage in this learning I viewed four more Ted Talks regarding Susan Cains premise in addition to Cains talk, and read her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Cant Stop Talking. Her book is a New York Times bestseller, and the links to the Ted Talks appear below: i. http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.h tml ii. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74kBqeq__OQ iii. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8GSljNVYEM iv. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNWNZU9t_rY v. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CEvgUs5Fh8

The Intent of Stillness

How does a introverted transsexual Latina lead?
I am coming to the realization that many of the behaviors which characterized my life as a man are no longer repeatable. The neurological pathways has been altered feminized. Additionally, there are now very different social regulations, nuances, and assumptions that impact my interactions with others which are different now that I have transitioned from male to female. As a transsexual I must now be cognizant the I might again be the target of cultural hate and violence. Five weeks after beginning to live full-time as a woman a family attempted to run me over with their car, and when the driver missed he violently threatened to cut my throat. He was enflamed by his girlfriend who was enraged that I used a womens restroom. They performed this act of violence was done in the presence of their toddler. This escalation of statistical violence toward transsexuals is my new reality, and it is radically different than the invulnerability with which I paraded around as a man. In all truth transitioning gender merits and necessitates a change in my methods of expressing my ideas to others. As a woman I am listened to less, and it is doubtful that I could sustain a bombastic assail upon an audience reflecting my primal inclination to dominate.

That was who I was: always vying to be the first in line to pass on my genes. When I was a Latino I fathered five children. But, I have found that that behavior was purely hormonally driven.
As a Latina and with estrogen, my concern and empathy with others has risen. I have a maternal instinct. I am constantly emotional, and it would be reasonable to say that much of my time over the past year has been spent crying because I now find it hard to not get my feelings regularly hurt. My thick skin has been replaced with vulnerability.

The Intent of Stillness

What was weaned form these learning objectives?
Introverts and extroverts process external stimuli differently. These processing differences result in different arenas of strength. Introverts in general are more observant and reflective toward stimuli, and more thoroughly weigh their actions while extroverts are inherently more impulsive. Introverts are more focus and in depth on singular tasks. They are not geared for the multi-tasking with which extroverts with their less in depth focus on things and issues may be better suited. The strength of contribution of an introvert is fundamentally linked to the time that they develop, refine, and reflect on their ideas. That I need to play to my strengths: reflection, concentration, and mentally reassembling ideas and concepts to create a better whole in solitude and the clarity of quiet. Acknowledge that I find groups to lessen the strength of my work and treat it like a golf or bowling handicap. Acknowledge that todays leadership is more characteristic of loud-mouth leadership, rather than thoughtful philosopher as leader. My strengths need to realigned with a more intellectual pursuit of leadership, rather than my previous combative male bombastic approach. I may be an ambivert, and not truly an introvert nor an extrovert based on both of the times I have taken a Myers-Briggs test. The tests revealed an INFP personality with balance in both I and E. My strengths are rooted in my disposition. They are in order: intellection, strategic, connectedness, input, and maximizer.
Quiet by Susan Cain can be listened to in its entirety at the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63qcVaVy8rg