India Sullivan UHP Senior Project Zero Draft

My Journey to Mental Health In our contemporary society, the awareness of mental health issues is growing. As the topic continues to receive more attention, we are slowly beginning to understand mental health. My undergraduate years have been, ultimately, a battle with my own mental health. In every aspect of my undergraduate career, I have been fighting a biological, social, and psychological battle. I have found my best version of myself through my rigorous academic courses, supportive friends and family, and through many doctors visits. As a Psychology and Religious Studies double major I have acquired the knowledge and tools which have helped me to evolve internally and have also given me the desire to reach out to help others who struggle with a mental condition. During the course of my Psychology and Religious studies, my need to learn about the human mind has been satisfied. I have learned the innumerable ways in which the mind can analyze the world surrounding the thinker while evaluating and recreating itself. I have learned about myself, my friends, family, and community as a whole through my studies. After two years as a Psychology major, I decided a second major in Religious Studies would be beneficial to my concept of humanity through understanding what brings structure and hope to humanity as a whole. My aim after graduation is to eventually become a therapist, concentrating in marriage and family therapy. I chose family and marriage therapy because, although I have never experienced firsthand the struggles which accompany divorce, I have decided to make it my

lifes goal to help those who need support through those hard times. I want to become a marriage therapist because I love the concept of love in every form, and I firmly believe that every couple, whether they are married or not, would benefit from marriage counseling. Marriage and family counseling helps to build stronger bonds with those you love and encourages healthy communication and interaction with one another. I want my life to consist of aiding others through their own personal journey towards positive mental health, while learning about my own journey and mental healing for years to come. My personal journey has been influenced by the classes which I have taken in the Religious Studies, Psychology, and University Honors courses of study at UNC Charlotte during my undergraduate academic career. These courses have given me knowledge which I was able to internalize, allowing me to evolve my concept of self while guiding me into adulthood. The growth inwardly and outwardly which has come from my courses has been immeasurable. The old saying, The things you reap you sow has been particularly truthful through these four years. The idea of helping myself by helping others has been evident through my studies to become a therapist, as well as through my community service and connection to the world around me. One of the best ways to reflect on the past is to find artifacts, or symbols, which represent specific moments of growth. Through these artifacts I will explore my undergraduate experience at UNC Charlotte and delve deeply into reflection. As a testament to my newfound self, I would like to use a model commonly utilized in Psychology called the Bio, Psycho, Social model as a lens through which we will view my artifacts in this portfolio. The Bio, Psycho Social model represents the three ways which can influence an individual to develop or bring out a mental abnormality which can effect mental health. Generally we see this model when describing the ways in which someone may develop clinical depression, biologically,

psychologically, and socially. For the purposes of my portfolio, I would like for us to utilize the Bio-Psycho-Social model as a means to heal ones mental health. Through the biological, psychological, and social remaking of my self I have accomplished and learned everything within this portfolio, and to demonstrate that, I will be utilizing my physical artifacts to represent the growth which I have accomplished. For my first artifact, I decided to talk about my community service e-portfolio. This eportfolio was created to document my progress for my community service project which I conducted during the fall of 2013 for my Community Service Practicum through the University Honors Program. I took this course with Robert Arnold, somewhat untraditionally in my senior year rather than taking it my freshman or sophomore year as it is intended. In this e-portfolio, I document every step of my community service practicum in which I volunteered for over 40 hours at Project HALO, an animal shelter and sanctuary, amongst various other smaller events. I became involved with raising awareness for the shelter, spent time playing with the animals at adoption days, provided the shelter with professional photographs for their website and edited the pictures at no cost to the organization. I felt empowered by using my talents for Project HALO, although it was a bit of an adjustment to work so hard on photography without payment. I have had my own photography business for nearly six years now, and I make sure that I always get paid. The hours spent not only photographing but also editing a shoot can total up to 12 hours or more of work. Although I wasnt getting paid for this photography which would normally give me an extra $200 in my bank account, I felt rewarded just knowing that my work could give these dogs and cats a better future. Despite my heavy involvement with Project HALO, I found myself needing to supplement some of my hours in a flurry of other locations. I worked with Habitat for Humanity

one Saturday in Matthews where I took part in organizing the local ReStore as well as cleaning up work sites littered with extra unused building materials and loading up a massive trash receptacle to be taken to the dump. This particular community service was by far the most grueling work I have ever done. Although I have done physical labor in the past, I had never felt so physically weak during the work as I did when I worked with Habitat for Humanity on that freezing November morning. I knew I hadnt been feeling 100% the day prior to my service, but as I hauled rotting lumber to the dumpster the cold air seemed to attack my head and make my whole body shake. We later found out that I had an incredibly persistent strain of strep throat and a fever which reached 103 degrees. This community service was by far the most challenging work I have ever completed. Pushing myself to complete this work was a nearly impossible task, but once I was in the car with my boyfriend driving back to my apartment after a long day of difficult work, I was proud of myself for what I had done. Although sorting and moving rotting building materials isnt my desired form of community service, and although I was running a fever and my throat was on fire, I was still strong enough to push through and complete my community service for Habitat for Humanity. I found a new strength in myself and a sense of accomplishment unlike any which I had experienced before. Another community service project I completed for the course was making 100 egg salad sandwiches, as well as all of the egg salad, for Operation Sandwich, all on my own. Operation Sandwich is one way in which someone can serve their community by making sandwiches and bringing them to homeless shelters or soup kitchens for the homeless. I learned from that experience that sometimes when a task needs to be done, the only person who you can count on is yourself. Although I opened up this particular community service option to my classmates, I was the only person to show up on the day of sandwich assembly. Not only did I learn that I can

only rely on myself, but I also learned that I am someone who always follows through on a commitment. I was not going to disappoint the people at Operation Sandwich, so I decided to stay up until 3am making egg salad sandwiches on my own. Finally, I concluded my 40 hour-long journey through my community service project with a Saturday evening spent with the people at Operation Christmas Child sorting filler items to go into Christmas boxes for children in foreign countries. This e-portfolio represents to me a semester filled with the challenge to think of people outside of my own self and my own life, while at the same time finding balance in my time management to somehow find 40 free hours in my already busy schedule so I could give that time to the community. Although my work varied between working with others, working alone, and working with animals, my work during this experience broadened my thinking toward my community and surroundings. Working with Project HALO was an ideal direction in which to begin my community service for the class I was taking. I have always loved animals, in fact I went through a very long phase of my childhood in which I was determined I would one day become a veterinarian for a zoo. Now, as a young adult in my 20s, I was more than willing to help out an animal sanctuary whose sole goal was to help protect and heal animals with a no-kill guarantee. In researching which animal shelter would be the right location for my community service, I very quickly learned that most shelters in Charlotte claim to be low-kill or more frequently attempt to hide the fact that certain animals which do not find homes in a specified time frame are euthanized, but Project HALO was the glimmering sliver of hope for homeless and hurting animals in Charlotte. They were the only shelter I could find that was a no-kill shelter. For all of these reasons, I decided Project HALO was the group I wanted to give my time to, and luckily for me, the need for volunteers for this particular organization was high.

One of the most touching moments of my work with Project HALO was working with Riley, a very sick dog found near the time in which I began working with Project HALO. I watched as Riley transformed from a malnourished, sickly dog, into a playful, loving, and fully functional and rehabilitated dog. I was able to see Riley get adopted and go to his new home on my last day working with Project HALO. Rileys story begins rather horribly, and as we told the passersby at events, His story and the pictures which go along with it are certainly not for the faint of heart or stomach. Riley had been found with a badly embedded collar which was severely life threatening to this 1 year old, malnourished Labrador Retriever. An embedded color is when a dog is abandoned for a large amount of time either tied up or wearing a collar which is too small for the dog. Embedded collar can also be found on animals which are abandoned wearing choke collars or the spike collars. As time progresses, the abandoned animal grows and as the animals neck gets larger, the collar never changes in size, producing the effect of a collar which embeds itself into the very flesh of the animal. Embedded collar is a severely life threatening condition and often, the animals afflicted to not live past a year. Project HALO received the notification of Rileys condition, took Riley in, brought him to a vet and paid for all the bills. The founder of Project HALO fostered Riley herself for three months before he was nursed back to health fully and was able to be adopted. I was fortunate to witness firsthand the recovery of such a sweet animal from the brink of death and it was truly a moving experience. I will never forget the sense of duty I felt to animals in need while working with Project HALO, and I am thankful for the time spent helping to aid wounded animals back to health. The experience could have certainly played out differently had I been working at a different rescue in Charlotte, particularly one with a supposedly low-kill policy. In the eyes of most shelters, Riley would have been a lost cause,

and the cost to save his life would have been deemed more expensive than the worth of a dog which may or may not get adopted. In other words, to put him down would have been less of a hassle than to nurse him back to health. Although my main community project was with Project HALO, my favorite day of service was working with Operation Christmas Child. I could not have asked for a more perfect ending to a long and difficult journey of community service. It truly warmed my heart to see such a large group of people working together on a freezing Saturday night, all with the hopes of being able to provide a child in a developing country a Christmas present to show them that someone cares about their well-being. When I call this group large I dont mean 50, or even 100 people, but rather I could estimate that there were at least 3,000 people working together that night alone in a warehouse to sort toys, fill boxes, and prepare them to send off in time for the children to receive them for Christmas. Although upon my arrival to the warehouse with my boyfriend, I did not particularly desire being part of the filler station, I quickly found myself having fun with the task of creating filler boxes to go out onto the floor of workers who were building the boxes which would be shipped. From this experience I learned that sometimes it really is just as good to be a cog in the community mechanism and that I don't always have to be the entire machine. Here, my participation seemed minimal in the grand scheme of things, but I was still needed, and when it comes down to it, no good deed is so small that it goes unaccounted for. I felt very fortunate to be able to be part of something much larger than myself while working with Operation Christmas Child. I selected this community service e-portfolio as a representation of the ways in which I connected and helped to better my community during my years at UNC Charlotte. It fits into the Bio-Psycho-Social mantra which is the theme for my journey through my undergraduate career.

My future career as a therapist is to be almost entirely wrapped up in the community in which I live. In many ways, this experience gave me some experience for the job I desire once I have completed my formal education. This e-portfolio encouraged me to become a thinker who includes the community into the factors of my own life. I no longer think solely about myself and my future or my own selfish desires, but instead I am much more caught up in my understanding of my community and what my community needs. I have learned how we can encourage connectivity through our community and abroad by lending a helping hand to the people in our own town who are in need. This e-portfolio is a collection of the steps I took in order to learn about the importance of community support. Through the University Honors Program I have completed over 40 hours of community service. From this service I have learned the meaning of community. To me, community is anyone that I may come in contact with, or even those who are only affected by my deeds which have created ripples which eventually have reached them through a chain reaction. I have also learned that service means giving of ones self, time, energy, and sometimes money. I personally paid for the sandwiches which were given to Operation Sandwich, I physically gave myself to Habitat for Humanity, and I gave myself emotionally to Project HALO and Operation Christmas Child. All of these causes were well worth the energy I put into them, and I look forward to working with these groups again in the future. Although community service is a very important part of becoming a well rounded individual, I have learned that it is also very important to put time into the creation and continuation of the personal self as well. One way to build character and build the self is to take on responsibilities, such as a new job, having a family, or getting a pet. My next artifact is one which I hold very dear to my heart: my dog. Harley, named after my favorite Batman female

villain Harley Quinn, is the miniature Dachshund I bought for myself. I decided to bring her into my life my junior year of college just before Christmas of 2012 because I saw the opportunity of getting a dog as a way to boost my self-worth and put me one step closer toward mental healthiness. At the time I bought Harley, I had very low self worth, to the point where I could not bring myself to take care of myself, unable to find motivation to perform even the simplest of tasks. My mental health had been on the decline for nearly 7 years and so this decision to include another living being in my personal life was an important change which would eventually lead me down a path to finding the woman I had always wanted to become, the woman hidden deep within me. I chose Harley as an important artifact in my portfolio because she was a crucial part of my undergraduate years, and without Harley I may not have had the mental fortitude to continue with my college education. Harley was one of the first big life decisions I made during my four years at college. Although she is not an academic artifact, she has taught me many important lifelong lessons of taking care of something which is helpless and needs my attention. I remember the feeling of holding my new puppy, eyes still closed, and feeling an overwhelming sense of pride and love for this creature which could fit in the palm of one of my hands. I had never felt this special and different sort of love for another living thing before, and the impact it left on me changed my perspective on motherhood and maternal instinct. She helped me to fill the need for a companion which, in turn, helped to pull me out of my seemingly neverending depressive loneliness. Now, whenever I feel the pull of depression luring me into my old hole of sadness, I can take Harley on a walk, hold her to me, and remember that initial meeting between she and I when she was so small that she could barely hold her head up and know that there is something which depends on me for life. I can look at her and know that I am important to

someone, even if that someone is a dog, and having that responsibility is an important part of a life filled with gifts. To me, Harley is a representation of myself becoming an independent woman because she allows me to cultivate my maternal instincts which will be used in the future (far into the future). One fact about me which I have often suppressed and have been ashamed of during my life is my fear and adamant preference to never have children. I have always been afraid of having children of my own someday because of my struggles with depression. I know from my own life as well as my studies on depression how easily this particular mental illness can be passed down to children from parents who may struggle with depression themselves, either knowingly or unknowingly. I have experienced this hand-me-down anxiety and clinical depression firsthand from my own mother. My loving and beautiful mother never intended to pass on these traits to her children, but her post-partum depression after giving birth to me, her oldest of two, never quite went away, nor was it even tended to until she was well into her 40s. By the time my mother began to actively battle with her depression, my schema of life was well developed and I was almost headed off to college. She spent most of her life not knowing what caused her to feel so tired all the time, why she cried so frequently, or why she never felt fulfilled in life despite her loving marriage, two obedient and kind children whom she loved, and an active church involvement with womens ministries. Through psychology I have learned that when raising children, the children pick up on the actions of the parental unit with which they spend the most time with and consequently learn to act as a mirror to the parent. The concept of the Bio-PsychoSocial model is the way in which we learn to be depressed, the ways we can be genetically prone to depression, and the event or person which finally triggers the depression in a patients life.

Harley was one of the many steps taken to help reverse this process, to empower me to be the best and happiest version of myself. She relates to my theme of a Bio-Psycho-Social model on a journey to mental health because she helps to represent the psychological therapy which she offers by simply needing me. In a way, I am learning to cultivate my care-giver nurturing instincts which will be vital to a career as a therapist, my possible future as a parent, and helping me to accept and appreciate myself. Harley has inspired me to learn to love unconditionally, which will help me to become a mother of healthy and successful children one day. Owning a dog nearly from their birth requires a great amount of patience. Through all of the random surprises found during potty training, the occasional sick nights where I stayed awake with her until she fell asleep, the times she chewed up my clothing and shoes, and restricted my time away from the house has given me the ability to think of her above myself and to love her through all of the difficult parts of owning a puppy. The ultimate sacrifice one can perform is the giving of the self, and with Harley, I have learned exactly how much dedication and love is required to sacrifice my self for the sake of others. As for my fears of becoming a mother, Harley has helped me come to a conclusion that I am capable of at the very least sustaining life for another creature. I have learned to be patient, to love unconditionally, and to discipline. The problem of passing my own depression on to my future children still frightens me, but I know now that if I am diligent with my own mental health, my children will be better off because of it. In other words, as long as I create an environment for myself by surrounding myself with friends and family, and actively work to fight against my depression, my children will grow up in an environment in which they too can flourish and become healthy and functional human beings as well. Without Harley, many of

these conclusions I have come to wouldnt even be possible for me. Harley has given me the confidence in myself I needed to think differently about motherhood for myself. The study of psychology has given me many benefits throughout my undergraduate career, such as a new way in which to interact with others, to understand others, as well as the knowledge on how the mind works and all the various ways in which it may wander. My next artifact is a textbook which has been my guide through all of my psychology courses taken here at UNC Charlotte. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, shortened to DSM-IV, is the ultimate Psychologists guide to mental health and diagnosing mental illness. The DSM-IV is a text which I have utilized for nearly all of my Psychology classes here at UNC Charlotte, particularly in my Abnormal Psychology and Sexual Psychology courses taught by Dr. Richard McAnulty. I selected this artifact because it represents within its pages everything I have learned about human mentality as well as representing everyone I will help in the future. I hold this text close to my heart, as strange as it may seem. Although this text reads less like a textbook or novel and more like a car manual, I find myself, as well as those around me, within its clinical and scientific pages. For me, my pocket-sized version of the DSM-IV represents my Abnormal Psychology class taught by Dr. McAnulty, who played a key role in helping me to realize that I wanted to be a therapist or family counselor as a career, and giving me the drive to finish my Bachelors degree and eagerly move onto a Masters degree. I remember sitting in his Abnormal Psychology class and listening to a story he was telling us about one of his past patients, and suddenly I realized that I wanted nothing more than to pursue a career as a therapist. His life was

so interesting, so fulfilling, that I decided my goal was to become a therapist much like Dr. McAnulty. I have taken two courses with Dr. McAnulty, Abnormal Psychology and Sexual Psychology. In Abnormal Psychology we learned about all of the different kinds of mental health problems which scientists have researched thus far. The amount of possible illnesses and the magnitude of the effects can be a bit staggering when first confronted with the information, but the course helped me realize that I wanted nothing more than to help people with these mental health problems and to contribute to the research in this field. When I took Sexual Psychology, the topic started off as being a bit like a high school sex education class. Everyone was giggling and no one wanted to ask or answer any questions. But the incredibly influential teaching of Dr. McAnulty was enough to pull us out of our shells and encouraged us to look at the topic of mental health surrounding sexuality as scholars instead of as participants. The key to learning about Psychology is to remain in the 3rd person and to not try to connect it to your own peer group or social life. Maintaining an objective scholarly view on topics is the key to moving forward in our research on Psychology, particularly in hard to talk about topics such as sexuality. In a society in which sex is as common as pigeons, there is still a massive taboo on sexual dysfunction, aversion, and interest. I learned that sexuality is healthy, normal, and even necessary for a healthy mental state. I believe that sexuality should not be shamed, nor should the discourse on sexual topics be oppressed by our society. This class taught me to become an advocate for the communication and education of sexual psychology. I saw in Dr. McAnulty everything that I aspired to be for my future career. I believe Dr. McAnulty to be one of my most influential teachers I have learned under while at UNC Charlotte as a student of the Psychology department. Dr. McAnultys style of teaching is lecture based, but

he makes sure to give useful real-world examples of the disorders and illnesses we learned about. The personal experience he brought to the classroom helped in ways which set him aside from other teachers I learned from at UNC Charlotte, and his personal anecdotes always kept the class lively and interesting. Although I found his course on Abnormal Psychology to be fascinating and challenging, I found Sexual Psychology to be one of the most difficult courses in my psychology major, and I realized that my grade was slipping in class about midway through the semester. I remember going to his office to speak with him one-on-one and asking, begging, for his advice as to what I should be doing differently to change my grade for the course. Instead of telling me tough luck or giving me extra credit, Dr. McAnulty suggested that I come to his office every thursday morning 20 minutes before class and go over what we had learned the class previous. Instead of showing me the sort of tough love route that many teachers offer, and instead of giving me busy work to sort of earn a better grade, Dr. McAnulty cared enough to dedicate his own time to help me understand the material I was struggling with. This showed me his dedication to his students education as opposed to pushing for good grades and a perfect GPA. This relates to my theme of Bio-Psycho-Social model to mental health by acting as the vehicle which I find this model to begin with. The DSM-IV allows me to learn about the Bio-Psycho-Social model and I in turn utilized this to begin my own journey down the road toward mental health. This text has pushed me to my very limits of understanding the human mind, and even to this day I can still learn so much from it. With this text I have grown to understand mental illness, and instead of turning a blind eye to the parts of the human mind which can sometimes make people uncomfortable, I have learned to run to the people who struggle with an increased desire to come to their aid. This book, as well as Dr. McAnultys class, has taught me compassion for the mentally ill. My love

for Psychology has been cultivated through my Psychology courses I have taken at UNC Charlotte. I get very excited when I learn about the ways in which the brain functions. I love admiring the power of the human mind to either heal and grow itself or destroy and hinder itself. In my studies I learned a great deal about ways in which we treat psychological problems, such as multiple forms of therapy, ie: individual, group, family, marriage, art, and music as well as many different kinds of medications which work to help balance chemicals in the brain which can effect mood. These medications which I have been prescribed over the past three years are my next artifact. Medications are the medical worlds solution to chemical imbalances in the brain leading to depression, anxiety, and many other mood disorders which can make everyday life difficult to endure. I have been prescribed a multitude of medications during my road to positive mental health. Those medications include Xanax, Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Levothyroxine, and Wellbutrin. Each new medication took time to allow my body to adjust and to see how I would react, as well as patience and love from those who surrounded me. Trying to find the right antidepressant and anti anxiety has been a series of trials and errors over the past three years of my life after. I endured a six year long battle over depression and anxiety which was exacerbated when I came to college. After a particularly nasty anxiety attack in the library late one night during exams, my friend suggested that I look into going to a doctor and a therapist about this burden of depression and anxiety which I had been carrying for so long. At first, the thought of surrendering this part of myself, so fragile and frightened, was something that seemed impossible. But after some personal reflection, I realized that I was fed up with being emotionally delicate, and I wanted to see who I was under all the anxiety and depression. I made an appointment for a therapy session, as well as a doctors appointment at the

Student Health Center on campus. The journey was only just beginning, and I had no idea of the struggles I would endure after this point. The first medication my doctor prescribed to me to try was Zoloft. I found myself being excited, and even empowered, by my own prospective clarity of mind, and happily took the medication. Soon, we found out that I was although my mental state was improving greatly, my physical body was allergic to Zoloft after breaking out in full blown hives. My disappointment was crushing; I had finally found what seemed to be something to help me, but I was actually allergic to the magic medication which gave me so much hope! My doctor encouraged me even though it was going to be a challenge to find something that worked for me, as it is with most patients. The next medication my doctor prescribed was Lexapro. I had heard positive things about the effects of Lexapro on ones depression from friends and after reading about it on the internet. I was soon disappointed to find that after a month-long trial, my body seemed to hardly even notice the presence of the Lexapro, and my anxiety was starting to heighten. One day I was driving alone in the car and began to wonder why I wasnt feeling any better mentally, and why, after the minimal amount of time needed for the medication to reach a certain level in my bloodstream, my anxiety was even more sensitive than before? Just as I was thinking this, a wave of fear hit me. My stomach sank, and I began to hyperventilate as a weight felt like it was being pushed into my chest: another anxiety attack, but this time much more powerful than before. I was forced to pull off to the side of the road and practice a few breathing exercises to calm myself down enough to drive home. The next day, I marched myself to my doctor, demanding we try yet another medication.

After telling my doctor of my driving anxiety attack, my doctors next move was to prescribe Paxil for the anxiety and depression, with an extra prescription of Xanax to be taken as needed. As my body began to become accustomed to Paxil, I found myself feeling even more crazy than before. I decided, however, to stick this one through and let this medication play out before giving up on it entirely. I felt as though my psyche had been divided into two separate halves: one half being the India I know must have been under all of this depression and anxiety. She was level-headed, rational, and kind. The other half was literally as bad as an angry two year old after consuming multiple candy bars and then pitching one giant fit in the middle of the grocery store. I often imagined my brain to look something like a mother and a child having it out in the check-out aisle, while everyone around me in real life watched me play both roles. The split soon subsided though as my body began to regulate my emotions properly. This medication worked for me mentally for nearly five months, when suddenly I snapped into reality and realized that I had gained nearly thirty pounds because of the Paxil. My physical body was once again suffering at the progression of my mental state. Fortunately, the Paxil had strengthened my mind so that I could think logically about my predicament, and I decided that I would, once again, switch to a new medication. This idea was better said than done, however. As it turns out, Paxil is one of the most challenging medications to stop taking. I had to taper off of it, lowering my dosages slowly, while still trying to maintain a sense of stability about me. Once I got down to the lowest dosage, I cut myself off from Paxil. The following two weeks proved to be the strangest I have lived in my twenty-one years of life. I experienced flu like symptoms, incredibly strong dizzy spells, nausea, a fever, and to top it all off, auditory hallucinations. I distinctly remember sitting in my choir class, feeling as though I had the flu, and hearing a faint chirping as if a bird was in the room. The auditory hallucinations frightened me the most of all the symptoms

because I had never experienced anything like them. I can honestly say that no amount of hardship would turn me back to Paxil, and as I press forward, I have found a strength in myself which I had never seen. I am happy to say that now I am on Wellbutrin, a different kind of anti-depressant from the ones I tried previously, and I am doing quite well on it. I am able to see a difference in the strength of the medication, as it is not as strong as Paxil was, but I feel that this allows for reaction, where Paxil kept me from feeling anything. One of the reasons I chose my medications as an artifact is because finally giving up my pride and seeing a doctor about my medical state were a big part of accepting myself as someone who struggled with a mental illness, and it helped me to clear the clouds from my perspective on life. Now I see my medications as representing the promise for the life I have always wanted to live. This ties into my Bio-Psycho-Social model for mental health because this is a large part of the bio factor. Because I was able to finally find the right medication for me, I was able to clear the path to mental health. My depression was like debris left after a storm strewn across the roads, hindering any advancement, but the medications equipped me with the ability to clear those roads for myself and start on developing who I am outside of my mentality. In fact, the medications are a large part of how I have come so far in my undergraduate learning, for without then, I surely would have stopped and given up due to the inability to handle my own thoughts and feelings. As I previously mentioned, there are many different forms of therapeutic relief available for those who seek help. One of my favorite forms of therapy is art therapy. I have always been an artistic person. I grew up in a family where we barely finished one art project before we moved on to the next. In my childhood, I dabbled in many different art forms such as

photography, painting, sketching, sculpting, jewelry making, cooking, glass blowing, and origami, just to name a few. To this day, I turn to knitting and crochet whenever I want to relax after a long day. During the summer before my senior year I came up with the idea to create a few pieces of art for my own collection which incorporated two of my passions: psychology and music. My next artifact is a piece of artwork which incorporates a piece of music which the University Chorale sang my junior year, Bachs Magnificat. Trying not to think of Bach rolling in his grave, I ripped out the pages of my favorite music from that concert, and turned them into the basis of Rorschach tests. Bachs Magnificat was one of the most enjoyable and difficult performances I have participated in during my collegiate choir experience. It only seemed fitting to incorporate the sheet music from such a memorable concert into a piece of art which could be used to decorate my home. This concert was so difficult because the music required a high level of skill from the choir which we all possessed but had not yet been asked to use. After long hours of rehearsal spanning the course of a full semester, my fellow choristers and I performed Bachs Magnificat with such skill that the energy of everyone moving musically together brought me to tears. The feeling one experiences when singing in a choir that is well rehearsed and close-knit is reminiscent of a pack of wolves running through a forest. Each member of the pack moves gracefully around obstacles, leaps over hurdles, and plays a vital part of the whole of the pack. Choir is very similar in that each voice part is constantly pushing their own part forward along with the rest of the choir, while also maintaining their part of the whole. A Rorschach test is is a psychological test in which subjects' perceptions of inkblots are recorded and then analyzed using psychological interpretation. Depending on what a subject

claims to see in the ambiguous shapes made in ink, the psychologist can draw conclusions about the persons subconscious which can be useful in helping to navigate the subject through the problems they are facing. Some psychologists use this test to examine a person's personality characteristics and emotional functioning. It has been used to detect underlying thought disorders, especially in cases where patients are reluctant to describe their thinking processes openly. The test is named after its creator, Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach. To me, these pieces of art represent the merging of my academic accomplishments and my personal appreciation for the topics which I am studying. For several years, I had not connected my education on a deeply personal level. I kept my passions separate, as if I thought that psychology and music didnt go well together. But after learning about music therapy and art therapy in my psychology classes, I found that music, art, and psychology go together perfectly. This discovery opened doors for a future career which I had never considered previously. One important part of therapy is to appreciate struggles and to grow from failure. The concept of failure and struggle being positive motivating factors in my life has always been a struggle within itself. I am a very motivated and driven individual who does not do well with failure, but through therapy I learned to appreciate each failure or struggle in life as a character building opportunity. One of my most frustrating character building moments in my undergraduate years was when I helped to write a grant for the on campus club of which I have been an active member since my freshman year. My next artifact is the grant proposal which challenged me and my organization, pitting us against the Student Government and demanding justice. After years of participation in my club, I was elected in my senior year by my peers in chorale to be the secretary and treasurer for the only choral club on campus which directly benefits students of music, UNCC Choirs. As part of my responsibilities to UNCC Choirs, I, along with

my President, Callie Wade, and Vice President, Lucas King, had to write grant proposals for our trips and events we would participate in. Since University Chorale is the only traveling performing choral group on campus. Funding through grants were necessary for the promotion of UNC Charlottes music program. Callie, Lucas and I were eager to work hard for our members of our club, but in all of our leadership, we learned that grant writing was without a doubt the most challenging part of our duties to UNCC Choirs. None of us had ever written a grant proposal before, so we relied heavily upon our faculty advisor for his input. Collectively, we wrote three separate grant proposals over the course of the year: two travel grants and one event grant. The first grant went over without a hitch, which was used to fund annual Choir Retreat at the beginning of each academic school year. The second grant, one which would enable UNCC Choirs to host an annual Regional Invitational Choir Festival with a world famous choral conductor as the clinician, but that event was cancelled due to snow. The third grant, however, put Callie, Lucas and I in the middle of a conflict which would create ripples in the Universitys Student Government Association. UNCC Choirs is a club which directly benefits choir students by helping to cut costs of trips, required formal dress for concerts, and printed music, and this year we were offered the opportunity to go to the American Choral Directors Association which was held in Jacksonville, Florida. The grant was intended to cover the hotel arrangements for the students who would participate in the conference from UNCC Choirs, and on the night of the grant hearing, Callie, Lucas and I had already successfully received two grants with only a few hang-ups along the way. We were confident in our grant, and when we walked into the hearing we sat and listened to their President give his speech about what was about to happen. Immediately we noted the

absence of adults in the room and noticed that the only people who were attending our hearing were a panel of our own peers. The hearing was short, and after explaining the nature of the conference, the board told us that they had no questions for us. The lack of questions gave us great hope of receiving this grant, but we were unaware of the fight we were about to endure. Over the next few weeks we heard nothing from the hearing. We were supposed to receive an email with the results of the hearing, but after two weeks of silence we went into the office to find out what had happened in the deliberation. Immediately we were met with the information that our grant was denied due to the fact we had written one page as opposed to typing it, a rule which had never been mentioned in our prior hearings. The secretary told us she would email us information on appealing the decision, but after waiting yet another week, this email never came either. Finally we had had enough, so Callie and I reached out to the adults who were advisors to the committee which had denied us and we asked for an appeal. At this point, we had been ignored by the students who were at our hearing, and we demanded to speak to someone with proper authority to right the wrongs which had been served to our club. Appalled at the poor treatment of our case, these adults insisted holding an appeal meeting at the earliest convenience, and we happily agreed. After a long month of fighting with the Student Government Association to be heard and taken seriously, we finally stepped up and made our case known. The higher powers unanimously agreed that we had been denied the process and within five minutes of the closure of the meeting, Callie and I received emails notifying us that we had in fact been granted the funds we sought. Justice tasted so sweet, and we showed that we were not to be defeated. This experience taught me important aspects of leadership. I learned that my duty to the students which I represented was not to be discouraged by a group of students who did not take

me or my colleagues seriously. We sought justice and in the end we gained perspective on the ways in which leadership demands confidence and a strong presence. This added a great amount of social experience to my Bio-Psycho-Social model, proving to myself, and consequently to the entire Ways and Means Committee, that I am strong enough to stand up for myself and my responsibilities in the face of adversity. Although my experience as a peer-elected official was one of the most trying and undoubtedly disheartening times of my undergraduate studies, there were also moments which seemed to lift my spirits while tending to the strengths which I already possess. One of these moments of encouragement for me was my Jesus on the Silver Screen course I took my sophomore year of college. My sophomore year of college I took my first course in the Religious Studies discipline. The course was called Jesus on the Silver Screen, and it highlighted the many ways in which the character Jesus from the Christian Bible is portrayed through film and art, and was taught by Dr. Kent Brintnall. Dr. Brintnall has been one of the most difficult professors which I have had the pleasure of learning from since I became a Religious Studies major. Not only does he expect excellence from his students, but he also draws from us the most introspective and enriching arguments and questions which a student of Religion can offer. His courses are intense, but never cease to catch the students interest. For our final project in this course, and for my next artifact in this reflection, I wrote a screenplay which unfolded my own representation of the life story of Jesus Christ. I spent countless hours pouring over texts from both the Hebrew Bible and the Christian Bible, attempting to find new ways to represent the character which generations had already heard before me. I studied different films and the ways in which Jesus was depicted in an attempt

to spark an idea which had not already been seen in Hollywood. I finally decided that if I wanted to create a new and refreshing look at the well known character of Jesus Christ, I was going to have to tell the story from a perspective I had not yet seen: I was going to have to write the screenplay from the perspective of the Devil. For me, this was a tantalizing challenge. To write a screenplay would have been enough of an exciting challenge, and I was thrilled to delve back into my first love: theatrical performance. But the idea to attempt to tell the story of Jesus from the perspective of the anti-hero, Satan, was going to be my greatest challenge yet. I grew up in a Christian family, and in my youth the Devil was considered to be evil, something which we did not give time or respect to. But through my studies I have learned more about this multi-faceted oppressor. One of the most important things I learned was that Satan, or the Devil, was never intended to be one specific character, but rather, an end goal. The goal of the oppressor was exactly that, to oppress. In order to write this screenplay, I would have to make my narrator into multiple forms with the same end goal, to oppress Jesus Christ while telling the story of his birth, death, and resurrection. Through this project I learned to utilize every available source for my own education. I was psychologically building my mental health by giving it support through education and finding enjoyment through this education. Finding joy in my life became a challenge once I began to suffer through the fight for my own mental healing, and so this project brought me hope and joy for my future as an academic as well as my own Christianity. To me, this screenplay is a representation of my first encounter with my second major. The addition of a second major into my coursework was a major decision I made for my own future, and I spent many hours trying to decide if this was the right course of action for myself and my

future career. I eventually decided that my studies would benefit from a religious viewpoint so I could incorporate it into my understanding of marriage and family therapy. With the inclusion of multiple religions, I am now able to understand a wider variety of possible future clients. Alongside my Religious Studies and my Psychology major, I have steadily been a member of the University Honors Program here at UNC Charlotte. My education has played a massive role in my mental health. My next artifact is a picture of Jonathan Perry and I, representing my UHP incorporation into my undergraduate studies. In my studies with the University Honors Program, I have studied primarily under Professor Jonathan Perry. Jonathan Perry is a teacher within the University Honors Program whose focusses are on economics, law, and global studies, but when he is not teaching Professor Perry is an Assistant District Attorney for Union County. Upon reflection my undergraduate studies, I am surprised at how many courses I took under Professor Perry. His topics are so far away from the literary and artistic expressions of emotion which I find myself drawn to within a course of study. I have never found myself interested in law, global studies, or economics, however the teaching style of Jonathan Perry kept me coming back to his courses. My first course I took with Professor Perry was Global Connections, and within the first week we were assigned to write an extensive report on the economics and facts about a particular country which we did not know much about, particularly those which are smaller or we had never heard of. I remember this being an incredibly daunting task for my first assignment in my college career. Because of this particular essay, I was set up from the beginning to cultivate a certain skill set which I would utilize for the rest of my academic life. This intensive researching and unveiling of facts for this particular project gave me the ability to do the same in the future.

The second of my classes with Professor Perry was his Game Theory class. Game Theory is essentially the science of strategy. The majority of my time in this class was spent in utter confusion, but even so, I remained determined to grasp at even the simplest of concepts involved with Game Theory. In Game Theory, mathematics play a large role in the outcomes of particular strategies. I have always been intimidated by mathematics, and because of this my mathematical portion of my brain has suffered. I consider myself to do poorly with mathematical situations, so the fact that I passed this course was difficult for me to believe. But after passing this course I remember feeling such a sense of accomplishment. Here I was, a student who barely passed my College Algebra course, passing a class all about mathematical strategies which are employed in so many aspects of life, such as economics and philosophy. I had proven to myself and to my teachers that I was capable of stepping outside of my academic comfort zones and push myself to learn subjects which I knew I would have a disadvantage. Finally, my third course I took with Professor Perry was his Criminal Minds course. This course was by far one of the most interesting courses I took with Professor Perry because we looked at actual murder cases and studied the law behind each case and followed the case to its completion. The videos and photographs of the murder scenes and occasionally the bodies were so influential on my learning of the law that I still remember the situations of some of the cases we studied. I remember being so fascinated by these murder cases because of my background in Psychology. I was able to bring a different perspective to the class and was actually influential in some of the ways we talked about people who are murderers. At the time I was studying social disorders which can develop in children as young as kindergarten and as old as college adults. These social disorders are causes for so many murder stories we hear about in the media and so

the meshing of the two subjects, psychology and criminal investigation, made for very intriguing discussions. These challenging classes are one of the benefits I have reaped from participating in the University Honors Program here at UNC Charlotte. These courses I have taken with Jonathan Perry were, although not entirely my cup of tea, empowering to me because of the ways in which they proved to myself that I am capable of passing courses which are personally challenging. I feel as though this fits into my psychological section of my model because it is reinforcing, to myself and to my teachers, that my academic part of my brain is stronger than I previously suspected. These courses have given me a newfound hope in my capabilities not only as an academic but also as a person who struggles with clinical depression. Through therapy I have learned that one way to combat the crippling self doubt of depression is to find things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my education and all the money which has gone into it. One of the opportunities which my education has given me is the possibility to travel the world. During the summer of 2013 I went on a trip to Madrid, Spain with the UNCC Choir, where I learned that community is one of the very important parts of my recovery, particularly while visiting the Teos Wine Bar in Buitrago. My next artifact is a picture of my group in front of Teos Wine Bar on the last night of our stay in Madrid. I chose this artifact because it was such an enriching and life changing moment in my life which can never be duplicated. I hold this picture and the memory it shows very close to my heart. The nights spent at Teos Wine Bar in Buitrago, Madrid, will forever represent the healing ability of good friends and the importance of finding family wherever you go, and I could not be more thankful for every moment spent at that small wine bar. The bar was owned by a spanish couple who spoke little english but took a liking to our American group of students. We would

visit this wine bar nightly, almost ritualistically; four students, three spaniards, one American choir director and one British choir director. We would rehearse choral music all day, do a little bit of traveling and sight seeing, then come back into the village for our nightly bottle of wine. The service was prompt and friendly, but only after ordering at least four bottles of wine on the first night of our arrival. As we became regulars at the small wine bar in a sleepy town, we also became a sort of strange family. Visiting Matteo and his wife Nieve at the end of the day became a sort of ritual of revitalization after a long and rigorous day of rehearsal and travel. This artifact relates to my model for a journey to health by embodying the social aspect. Through these important social interactions I was able to grow in a nurturing and memorable environment. While staying in Madrid I saw a glimpse of the woman I want to be in my future, a person inside myself to strive to become full-time. In Madrid, I was optimistic, bubbly even! I had not seen this sort of joy since I was a child, and the prospect that I could even experience happiness after all this time was truly liberating. The opportunity to travel to Spain has equipped me with the ability to think outside of my own country and comfort zone. That trip continues to encourage me to be more adventurous with my life. This experience has left a mark on me and my sense of self in such a way that Madrid will always be a place which I remember as the birthplace of my own joy and growth. Not only does this artifact represent community and growth, but it also continues to give me perspective. My father introduced a new way of thinking to me in the months leading up to the trip. I remember stressing, worried about money and unsure of whether or not I would be able to go on this once in a lifetime trip. One day, just before I was going into my choir class, my father called me to tell me that he was going to pay for my trip, in full. He told me that he wasnt sure exactly where the money was going to come from, but he wanted me to know that no matter what, I was

going on this trip. I still remember sobbing outside of Robinson Hall, clutching my phone in one hand and my gaping mouth in the other, in awe of the love and generosity which was pouring out of that phone. My father, my hero, taught me something very important that day: One of the most important things I can ever teach you he told me, is the importance of anticipating joy. Always be looking ahead to the beautiful things life has in store for you, because if you dont, all you will see is the troubling circumstance you are trudging through. These words echo in my memory to this day, and every time I think of this moment I begin to cry. I cry not because of the excitement I felt, or because of the money or the sacrifice my family gave to send me to Spain, but because of the tremendous healing effect of a supportive family and community. When a person is dealing with depression, it is important that they recognize and utilize the support of their family and community. I know firsthand how difficult it can be for a family or friend to support someone who struggles with depression, because I have watched my father, the eternal optimist, struggle to support not one but two women in his life who struggle to see the good things they have. Both my mother and I have benefitted from the love my father continues to pour over us, and without him we may not have made it to where we are now. The importance of support brings me to my next artifact, a book which I am writing with the hopes of one day publishing. I am currently writing a book on how to help and support loved ones with depression. My goal is to create a self help book for family members and friends so that they may be able to understand depression better and in doing so help to create an environment for their loved one to overcome the depression. The book was inspired by my boyfriend and my father, both of whom had never dealt with mental illness. My father has always wanted to understand depression in order to help support myself and my mother.

For me, this artifact represents the ultimate sign of growth. I have come so far in my personal journey to mental health that I feel as though I am able to write a how-to guide on tending to loved ones who struggle with depression. I am by no means an expert, which is why I must continue to be a student. But I am, however, someone who has been empowered through my own transformation, and I have devoted my future to the healing of others in my own community. This book is part of the end result, the fruit of my Bio-Psycho-Social model of mental healing. The culmination of my undergraduate studies has come to this final project. One of my favorite parts of my book that I have written thus far are the quotations on depression which I have found. One particular quotation which spoke to me was by American psychologist, James Hillman, saying, Depression opens the door to a beauty of some kind. I feel as though if I could even portray to people that depression can be beautiful, and that the characteristics and lessons we learn from depression can be beneficial, then I have done my job on this Earth. My book regarding depression could be the starting point for any published work I may create in my career as a therapist. This project has challenged me to think from the perspective of a person who has no mental health problems while at the same time coupling that thought process alongside the difficulty of depression and anxiety. My goal in life is to improve the mental state of those around me while maintaining a healthy mental framework for myself. Whether I am a therapist, a teacher, a mother, a wife, a volunteer, or a friendly face on the street, I aim to be a member of my community which has the ability to inspire, encourage and uplift. Through the Bio-Psycho-Social model of mental health, I have learned to cherish the things in life which have brought me joy, such as my memories of drinking wine with good friends in Spain. I have learned that I can achieve anything, no matter the difficulty, as long as I work toward my goal because of my courses with Jonathan Perry.

Through my DSMIV I have learned to better understand mental health, allowing me to better understand myself and those who surround me. Because of the Bio-Psycho-Social model, I have been given an incredible tool with which to view the world. Above all, the Bio-Psycho-Social model has taught me to be slow to decide and instead take time to evaluate from every angle. This lesson is valuable not only for my future career but also for the woman I wish to be in the future. I would like to leave my legacy here at UNC Charlotte tied to a quote from the theatrical production of Hamlet written by William Shakespeare. In the play, the character Ophelia has the line, We know what we are, but not what we may be. This senior exit project has allowed me to evaluate who I am at my core. I am able to see all of the ways in which UNC Charlotte has molded me into the academic and socially cultured woman I am now. Although this shaping of character is necessary and important, nothing is more exciting than what lies just beyond the horizon. My intentions for my future are to utilize my newfound understanding of joy, a grasp on my personal potential, and a strengthened willpower, to achieve my goals of earning my Masters in Family and Marriage Therapy, and eventually becoming a therapist full time. I know what my goals are now, and thanks to my time spent at UNC Charlotte I am able to achieve my full potential. As seniors in the University Honors Program, we know who we are now, standing on the edge of our Senior year of college. As we turn and look back at ourselves through time, we say goodbye to the old version of ourselves and appreciate who we have become. Accomplishments are rewarding, but I have learned that the most beautiful characteristic of life is the anticipation of the unknown joys which are yet to be experienced.