FOxtrot oscar

sucks
A regular column in which leading South African marketing and advertising personalities tell us the truth about their business.
lubricating jellies under the headline Gel Your Ou. Dont ever tell me creativity is just for those smart okes with fancy ofces in Sandton. I write my own copy and trust me there are no shortages of pictures in my smutty business. One of my other direct marketing ploys is to get that same oke from Lusikisiki, dress him up a giant pink condom, and let him hand out free samples at one of the few trafc light intersections we have in our dorp. Youll be amazed at the trafc into my store after a promotion like that. Mostly those bored blonde-highlighted tannies whose hubbies work at Sasol and who are looking for a little spice on a Friday when hes on night shift and the local rugby team has a home game that weekend! So my business is ticking over, Im taking my best clients to this years Sexpo and things are good. Then my nephew whos just done a diploma in advertising and marketing hooks me up with a direct marketing agency. He says Target 54321 will enable me to build a core client database, direct specials to customers electronically on a dedicated needs and interest matrix and also develop a managed loyalty programme with an awards component. I had no idea what he was talking about but hes my dead brothers son and I have to look after him. So we followed the agencys advice and with an electronic mailer the agencys words not mine to a sample constituency the agencys words not mine. My special that week was a container of East European images with a strong focus on farm life if you get what I mean. On my list, certain municipal ofcials, one or two business people and a few guys on the outlying plots who get lonely at night, if you get what I mean. Im just a supplier, I judge not. But my rst foray into new age direct marketing did not meet with success. Two emails were opened by wives, at least 10 were caught in company spy lters and one poor guy (from the plots) got injured when his laptop snapped shut at a key moment. Im also being investigated by the vice squad. Next week, my oke from Transkei is back in a Speedo, stufng mailboxes. New fangled direct marketing sucks, give me junk mail any day.

o you remember those good old days, not too long ago, when a direct marketing campaign simply involved putting your weekly specials on a cheap yer and then hiring some unemployed oke from Transkei to stuff them into mail boxes from the back of your bakkie. You paid him R10 per street covered and gave him a loaf of bread and a two litre Coke at the end of the day. I run the rst ever adult shop to open in Secunda in Mpumalanga. We opened the day after the 94 election in fact we did a yer drop the day after called 94 erection, but thats a different story. My direct mail yers have become collectors items in our small town, mainly among horny matric boys who are too young to come into the store. Last week we ran a special on

Janjan van Gemert is the owner of the Secunda based adult shop Kom Binne. He has since red Target 54321.

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