Kelli Karst Comm.

2110 Relational Change Project Date: April 20, 2014

Overview In this paper you will read about my movement towards changing my poor communication habit of being an ambush listener (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.126), into becoming more of an other-oriented listener (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.111). I have acknowledged this poor habit and have realized the negative impacts it has on my relationships with people, especially family and close friends. I will further disclose the strategies, constraints, implementation of chosen strategies, the results and further recommendations, throughout this paper. This project has resulted in more awareness of my communication habits, which in turn, has helped to improve the relationships I have with my family and close friends. Although the progression on this bad habit has been mostly positive, I still have a lot of work to do. Unwanted Communication Pattern When my mom or close friends come to me with problems or complaints about their day or certain situations, I will try to think of solutions to fix their problems or will become combative, tending to play devils advocate to show a different perspective on their situation. I have noticed how ineffective this communication style is because I will

lose focus of their needs and the original topic of discussion. Ive realized that this type of communication can lead to potential loss of trust from the other person and their ability to openly communicate with me, it is really damaging to my relationships with people who are really important to me. Strategies After noticing this damaging habit, I realized I needed to make some changes. I will discuss more in depth those strategies and why I decided to use them. I realized that in making a communication change, I needed to start with five simple and obtainable strategies to help provide a base in making this change. The first strategy I wanted to set in place was enhancing listening comprehension (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.128) skills with stop, look and listen(Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.134). I wanted to be more mindful of the other person, I needed to stop my own thoughts, give the other person my undivided attention by looking at them and really listen to them. I thought this strategy was important since I wasnt actively engaging in the conversation, I was listening but I was listening to find a solution not necessarily listening to them to be supportive. The second strategy works in conjunction with the first strategy; it furthered my listening comprehension (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.128) by actively listening to the other person and providing appropriate feedback (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.144-45) when necessary or requested to assist in engaging the conversation. As I had mentioned before, this worked in conjunction with the first strategy; I just needed

to listen. I knew that I needed to listen, but how was the other person going to know I was actively listening. I had to show the speaker I was listening and engaged by responding or adding appropriate feedback as necessary and when it was requested. My third strategy was more focused on a personal level. I was noticing that some conversations were more emotionally involving for me and would stick with me long after the conversation was finished. Taking a mental note of words or topics that caused emotional noise (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.125) was important so I could stop to take note and it would also give me a moment to refocus. I had taken my moment on what was upsetting me but it was more important to put myself aside and think about the other person and what they were going through. My fourth strategy was chosen because I felt it could be tied with the other strategies I wanted to utilize. Not only did I need to realize my emotions, I needed to recognize the other persons emotions. I knew how I felt about the situation and I assumed that s how the other person felt but you cant assume another persons feelings. To accurately understand and empathize with the other person it was best to paraphrase the information and emotions (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.140), this also helped with engaging in the conversation and letting the other person know I was listening. The last strategy I wanted to utilize was, expressing helpful social support (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.144-145). This table in the book offered a lot of great suggestions on phrases to use when encountered with unease or stress from the other person. This was a good guideline for me, since being combative and always objecting to

what the other person had to say wasnt working. These phrases also affirmed the other person that I was listening to them and also acknowledging their feelings. Constraints As with most changes, this change, I knew would not be easy. In the beginning, I found it was really hard to bite my tongue on the original thoughts I wanted to express. It was difficult to actively listen since I was trying to organize my thoughts, putting my normal and combative thoughts aside and then think of their thoughts and how to actively and appropriately respond. As a problem solver, it was hard for me to listen to their feelings and emotions instead of finding a solution to their problem or the topic of discussion; I wanted to find a solution to obtain their goal. Implementation The basis for this project was based on the conversations I have with my close friends and my mom. After the conversations had taken place, the thoughts would still linger with me long after the conversation had ended and I was constantly upset. I was upset because I felt that they werent listening to me about the suggestions I was giving them and they kept running into the same issues. I figured if they kept running into the same problems, maybe they were bad communicators or were approaching the issues in bad ways, so I would play devils advocate by thinking of other alternatives or other perspectives on the issues or topics. By playing devils advocate, I was thinking I was being helpful or trying to prove a point, when in all reality, I was just being forceful and shutting down their open communication with me. My emotions were clouding my

judgment on communication and shutting people out. I realized that I couldnt blame them for the internal feelings I was enduring. This is when I knew it was time for a change. The first conversation I had when implementing my strategies was difficult, I was having a conversation with Natalie about a certain guy she likes, Travis. First of all, I noticed that Natalie was upset; she was having a hard time with his actions and needed someone to listen to her to talk out the issues she was dealing with. My initial reaction was to be upset because I don't enjoy talking about Travis (I have my own feelings and opinions about him since Ive known him for a few years). It was hard for me to bite my tongue and not offer a solution to make her feel better. Travis has been an ongoing issue and will be an on going issue; it is a lot easier said than done to eliminate someone out of the picture, especially when deep feelings are involved. With Natalie feeling upset, I had to stop my own thoughts and understand she needed someone to talk to. Instead of offering a solution and getting upset at her for not using the suggestion I was providing, I listened to her and provided some social support (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.144-45) phrases such as I know that this is difficult for you and also paraphrasing the actions that he had done to understand the problems and emotions she was having. I noticed that engaging her by using this method or social support, she was feeling more relief. I also noticed that I was feeling better and more positive after the conversation, it was a positive in knowing that I had helped her in another way, it was more rewarding.

The more I became conscious competent in being an active listener (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.135) the more I was able to listen to my friends and obtain more information about them. I felt that the long time relationships that I had with my friends were strengthening and enhancing because I was more focused on them. For example, Katelyn has been a longtime friend of mine, since we were little kids. She was having issues with her new love interest, (which being friends for so long, having boyfriends, they come and go, not really a new hurdle to overcome) I was able to actively listen (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.135) to her and paraphrase her information and emotions (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.140-42), which helped me to better understand her feelings about the situation and how she had felt about this new interest. I felt that by asking these questions, she was able to open up and she felt like I genuinely cared about her feelings. Even though I have been friends with Katelyn for a long time, I feel like this was a turning point in our friendship, she is now more able to open up to me and feel more comfortable talking to me about her situations. I did have a few incidents where I forgot to be other oriented or let my ambush listening (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.126) get the best of me. There was the time I was at the gym with Natalie and I wasn't actively engaging in our conversation. I wasnt interested in the topic of Travis due to emotional noise (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.125) I was giving her incongruous responses (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.149). I automatically assume she is going to be negative so I find myself being combative and quick to criticize her. Also the context (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.10) in which the conversation was held, I wanted to work out, I didnt

want to be distracted with a deep conversation about Travis. I should have been more assertive with my response to Natalie. I should have told her that now was not a good time to discuss the issues but I would be more than happy to talk to her when we were in a more comfortable environment. I wasnt being other oriented (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.111) in being open and expressing how I felt about the situation, instead I was sending disconfirming messages (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.14849) and made Natalie feel bad which closes off further communication in the moment and can be damaging for future communication as well. Results The results were for the most part positive. There is still a lot of work to be done and also a lot of implementation and training to work on these skills. I did notice that when I used a more positive approach in my conversations the gratification was instantaneous. Implementing these strategies and being aware of these strategies has helped to guide my conversations in a more positive light. As I reflected on the progress I had made throughout these weeks, the reasoning behind why I was an ambush listener (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p.125) was more apparent. Being a problem solver, when I hear my friends or mom talk about dilemmas, I am urged with the instinct to find a solution. If I feel that these people arent listening to me or taking my advice, I become analytical or criticize them because I feel I don't have any other words to say, I dont know how to handle the situation appropriately.

With the implementation of these strategies, they have really helped me to feel more comfortable with just listening. I noticed after awhile, utilizing these strategies from a conscious incompetent they were evolving into a conscious competent. Recommendations The recommendations that I have for myself would be to continue utilizing these strategies. I occasionally will be in conversations where I realize my emotions are running a little higher than what they should be. I am learning to become more aware of my emotions and what triggers them. Emotions are hard to tame and I think that emotions are a hard thing to handle with everyone. I have realized that when my emotions are running high, my tone of voice becomes relatively argumentative and this is another communication bad habit I will need to break, once after I have really mastered active listening and becoming more other oriented. Works Cited Beebe, Steven A., Susan J. Beebe, and Mark V. Redmond. Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2011. Print.