How bad do you think I am?

Pure Hatred comes at them Youre absolute Shit!

Wall themselves off; An Unfeeling Part
Without heart Torture Animals
Self Hatred I cant even walk in the fucking room right
Strong desire to prove themselves Desperate for love
Highly anxious; Worry the most about how others will see them
They want to get it just right: What exactly are the rules?
Good at following rules Nazi prison guards Careers w/Structure
Dont know how to make connections seem weird
Relationships: Stressful I have this problem at
work
Easy paranoia; Suspicious Out to get me How bad do you think I
am?
Curse and Swear

A Wall band sensation, plug sensation
Something feels inside Better from eating

1. Sensation of a blunt plug, cork
2. Everything is better fromeating (acute: morning sickness better
from eating)
3. Sensation of a band around one part or another (head, wrists, an-
kles, abdomen)
4. Acid stomach, reflux; better from eating
5. Might be really heightened SM fanaticizes, seek out porno (but not engaging in acts)
6. Poison ivy/oak (w/RT mod) itching better from eating
7. Other skin disorders, like RT
8. Arthritis; particularly severe; Rheumatoid Arthritis (often with much more sensation of stuckness a band
around) youll see the slow to get moving rheum arthritis

(LD) Must have
Polarity of feeling stuck cramped vs. doing what you have to do to move
I feel cramped and tight and stuck
And then I can move freely


Fears
Apprehensive, of judgement and of others hurting them
Test Anxiety; Of others approaching, of death, of being poisoned
Of insanity, Of paralysis (r)

Anacardium

Same family as Rhus Tox, Anacardia family
Anacardium orientale (Cancer miasm) Anacardaceae family



Mental
State of great internal conflict
Unbearable excruciating internal conflict
Conflict in almost always extreme childhood emotional abuse
Great sense of shame
Extremely low self esteem
Can be hard and cruel, cruelty to animals
Strong desire to prove themselves
Tendency to curse or swear
Weakness of memory
Inability to focus or concentrate
Anxiety before tests, where mind just closes down

(LD)
Mental and physical lack of power
Inability to move
No power
Two opposing forces come together
In comes immobility and they cannot move
Sensation; as if a heavy load on the shoulders
Like I am carrying everything here

(MM)
Predominately mind symptoms
They will not come to you with physical complaints
Mistrust and suspicious
From the beginning of life one disappointment after another
They were open to establish a good relationshipbut it never worked out for them

Almost schizoid personalityon one hand one part and other hand the other part working in
opposite
Betrayed and disappointed by people who should have supported them
They look for a relationshipmore like a baby to a mother
As if sucking his thumb
This ORAL componenta lot of cigarettes, a lot of food, alcohol, etc.
Anything that can cool their excitement

The have HUGE anxiety
How severe my problem is
But they really cant say a lot more

A strong sense of solitude and lack of protection underneath
Kent reports this as should go to jail (very judgmental)

The idea of the devil against any pleasure or anythign instinctual
Food, sex, knowledge, has problems with this
Anacardium orientale (Cancer miasm) Anacardaceae family


No relationships give them pleasure

The feel dramatically unprotected
They cannot even image that there is a God
or something above usthey might give you
love
So such an anguished sense of solitude
(End MM)

Themes
Stuck like a Plug
Better from eating, something feels in-
side

Generals
Sensation of a blunt plug, cork
Everything is better from eating (acute: morning sickness better from eating)
Sensation of a band around one part or another (head, wrists, ankles, abdomen)

Stomach
Acid stomach, reflux; better from eating

Urinary/Genital
Might be really heightened SM fanaticizes, seek out porno (but not engaging in acts)

Skin
Poison ivy/oak (w/RT mod) itching better from eating
Other skin disorders, like RT
Arthritis; particularly severe; Rheumatoid Arthritis (often with much more sensation of stuckness a
band around)

Case
Women
48
Very Severe rheumatic arthritis
Lots of meds, surgery
Left knee little cartilage left
Lot of pain in sleep
Had had fair amount of pscho therapy
Crap of father
Father very successful, would say youre the crap of my life
He also sexually abused her, while saying you dont even deserve this
As pain was getting worse, these thoughts coming back
All this energy stuck in me
Im stuck with this shit
Trouble concentrating
Was fairly successful, owned her own business w/partner
Hot bath make my day
I had to prove myself with both my parents
Anacardium orientale (Cancer miasm) Anacardaceae family


If they werent dead Id still be trying to do it
Lm1
I feel like Im on a slow upward rise
Pain to a 7 from a 10
Lm2
Biggest change I realized I am powerful and I
can help myself
I have something I can offer myself
Lm3
I had total sense of powerlessness
Now my power is good
Confessed she did torture animals as a kid

After a year, moved much more, gardening,
knee better, kept improving like that

Cancer miasm theme
In the tunnel what is trying to get her is the chaos
At age 14 said to mother if you will leave him, I will take care of all the children for you
I have to hide result of this chaos

Molar pregnancy
The emptiness the cancer miasm
Carc complete emptiness inside

RD
A devil on one side and light on the other side, both trying to pull her apart
The dark is this swirling chaos this tunnel, dark vs. light
ANAC
The evil can be inside or outside, of being pulled in the direction of evil
And trying to compensate for that and resist that
The darkness is the chaos

(VO)
Inability to connect
They dont know how to engage
Need really strong rules of engagement army, religion

Anacardium orientale (Cancer miasm) Anacardaceae family


Anacardium Mental State
Syphilitic and Sycotic
Clear Ediology
Clear, Relentless Early Childhood Abuse
State of great internal conflict
I care what people think, but at home I
take it out on people close to me
Unbearable excruciating internal conflict
Intense Separation
in themselves
Great Duality
Of two wills
Devil on one shoulder,
angel on other
Bi-polar situation
If things are goodokay
If things are badtake it out on others
If they hurt/kill; they may not even feel like it was them
The voice in the head told me to do it
The voice in the head is not me
Can be hard and cruel
Cruelty to animals
Commit cruel acts to others
(to get rid of this pain)
Kids who torture animals
In that moment, there is relief
In threatening situations; Will be cold hearted
Cant sleep
(true of any state with two wills)
Bad dreams, violent dreams
Dreams: leaving their body and coming crashing back in
Cant hold it together
Physical pain at night
Feel stiff and stuck
Dreams in which I think it was me in the
dream, but might have been someone else
Dont know who they are
Hear people calling her name (before falling asleep)
Strong desire to prove them-
selves
Desperate for love
Desire to be good (Seen as Good)
Just like everyone else
Can also be extremely compliant
Look very nice
If only I can prove that Im worthy,
then mom will love me
Can be quite loquacious
Can be very high achievers
The straight A student who when stressed,
goes out and tortures frogs
I have to prove it, over and over and over
Curse and Swear
Usually find this (Val asks as a confirmatory)
May not do it in front of you, may only do it in their head
Such pressure to prove oneself
Can have lots of test anxiety
In this state, they Just lock up
They will do bad on the test
Weakness of memory
Inability to focus or concentrate
Anxiety before tests, where mind just closes down
Memory impairment (usually later in life)
Cant remember, early dementia
Pure Hatred is what comes at them
This is clear, relentless, constant
Usually Emotional/Verbal
I dont know why we keep you in the family!
You are a piece of shit!
You dont deserve to live
Differs occasional alcoholic, you hide, loving otherwise
Differs sexual abuse, mixed feelings, conflicted about sex
They turn this Pure Hatred on themselves
Self Hatred
Grows and grows
Great sense of shame
Extremely low self esteem
I suck
I cant even walk in the fucking room right
(Guys may not talk about feeling bad about themselves)
In order to survive, child has to
Wall themselves off
Separating themselves from others
Inside, all this pure hatred
A plant, from a very hard nut
Person is completely separated from the world
Shutting love out as well
Not particularity creative
Or no expression on any level
Locked in their own world of hatred
Without heart
Having a place in themselves that is unfeeling
They Turn Hard
Great Stuckness
Plug
Pressure and numbness from the plug
Someplace in them where dont feel
Socially Awkward
Dont know how to relate to people
They dont know how to BE
Dont know how to make connections
People will think they are a little weird
Careers w/Structure
Gravitate to situations with rules; taught how to be
Military schools; Military; Policemen
(yet this continues the family situation they hate this)
They might shine in this situation, or
might revolt, have troubles
They are the policemen who are cruel
Nazi prison guards: follow rules, kind of
likes it; comfortable with this cold place
Good at following rules
Rewarded Career-wise
Dont necessarily want to be top person
But high enough where they can kick other peoples butt
Drawn to Fundamental Religions
The ones who are constantly battling between heaven or hell
Quite Suspicious
Easy paranoia; hyper aware
Their belief everybody is out to get them
How bad do you think I am?
What are you going to do to me?
Offended very easily
Delusion: surrounded by enemies
Attracted to people like their parents
People who might criticize them, etc.
Creates a reason to prove themselves
Relationships: Stressful
(will usually always hear)
(Relationships only possible if moderate)
Battling within themselves
Hard for them to feel loved
Hard to keep from expressing this hatred
I have this problem at work
Youll hear this repeatedly
Highly anxious
Worry the most about how others will see them
All the time
What do I do? the right thing or the wrong thing?
Am I doing it right?
Big for OCD
Because dont know how to relate to people
They over focus on things
They want to get it just right
What exactly are the rules?
(it really puts people off this person is weird)
The kid wants to know just exactly where to start writing