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Humor:Jack Handey
Have you ever seen a child, on his way to school, have a car drive past and splash him,
and then he just stands there and thinks if he should just go to school or go home and
change and be late... And then I drove past and splashed him again
! "ack Handey
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the #ahamas and catching some
rays$ %aybe you&ll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway' that&s my point.
! "ack Handey
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you&re in there some
guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city,
boy, I don&t know what to tell you.
! "ack Handey
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. (hen you call up the
guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. )Hear that$) you say. )(hat&s dynamite,
baby.)
! "ack Handey
*e+t (hanksgiving, here is a fun trick to play, When the mashed potatoes and turkey are
being served, take some of both. #ut hide your turkey under your mashed potatoes. When
your family asks )-on&t you want some turkey$,) pull the turkey out from under the
mashed potatoes and yell )I tricked you)
! "ack Handey
(he memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we&d
all pile into the car ! I forget what kind it was ! and drive and drive. I&m not sure where
we&d go, but I think there were some trees there. (he smell of something was strong in the
air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called
)-ad.) We&d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things
never leave you.
! "ack Handey
.robably the worst thing about having /ing /ong go rampid in your town would be the
huge, monster genitalia.
! "ack Handey
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the
salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him 0lint.
! "ack Handey
I can still recall old %ister #arnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load
of tadpoles to the old board of his. (hen he&d spin it round and round, like a wheel of
fortune, and no matter where it stopped he&d yell out, )(adpoles (adpoles is a winner)
We all thought he was cra1y. #ut then we had some growing up to do.
! "ack Handey
If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie
heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy
! "ack Handey
I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but
they dont know Im using blanks.
! "ack Handey
2ven though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me 3uite a bit of freedom. I could
walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only
later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty!clothes hampers.
! "ack Handey
If you saw two guys named Hambone and 0lippy, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most$ I&d say 0lippy, wouldn&t you$ 4ou&d be wrong, though. It&s Hambone.
! "ack Handey
At first I thought, if I were 5uperman, a perfect secret identity would be )6lark /ent,
-entist,) because you could save money on tooth 7!rays. #ut then I thought, if a patient
said, )How&s my back tooth$) and you just looked at it with your 7!ray vision and said,
)8h it&s okay,) then the patient would probably say, )Aren&t you going to take an 7!ray,
stupid$) and you&d say, )Aw fuck you, get outta here,) and then he probably wouldn&t
even pay his bill.
! "ack Handey
8n the other hand, we have different fingers.
! "ack Handey
I bet if you were in some old west gang, and you were dragging a guy along the ground
with your horse, It&d probably make you really mad to look back and see him reading a
maga1ine.
! "ack Handey
0olks still remember the day #ob 9iley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup.
.retty soon it was bouncing higher and higher. (he tire popped, and the shocks broke, but
that truck kept on bouncing. 5ome say it bounced clear over the moon, but whoever says
that is a goddamn liar
! "ack Handey
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a si+!gun in my holster, I&d carry
a soldering iron. (hat way, if some smart!aleck cowboy said something like :Hey, look.
He&s carrying a soldering iron; and started laughing, and everybody else started
laughing, I could just say, :(hat&s right, it&s a soldering iron. (he soldering iron of
justice.; (hen everybody would get real 3uiet and ashamed, because they had made fun
of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
! "ack Handey
If I ever went to war, instead of throwing a grenade, I&d throw one of those small
pumpkins. (hen maybe my enemy would pick up the pumpkin and think about the
futility of war. And that would give me the time I need to hit him with a real grenade.
! "ack Handey
I bet if you reached total enlightenment while drinking beer, it would make beer s3uirt
out your noise.
! "ack Handey
Why can&t the ant and the caterpillar just get along$ 8ne eats grass, the other eats
6aterpillars... 8h, I see now.
! "ack Handey
If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny.
! "ack Handey
5ometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I&ll
go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door,
I&m gone, but you know what I&ve left on the porch$ A jack!o!lantern with a knife stuck in
the side of its head with a note that says )4ou.) After that I usually feel a lot better, and
no harm done.
! "ack Handey
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. *ot
screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
! "ack Handey
I hope an animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs there because I might
think I have a good idea but its really just the eggs hatching.
! "ack Handey
(o me, bo+ing is like a ballet, e+cept there&s no music, no choreography, and the dancers
hit each other.
! "ack Handey
5ometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I&ll
go over to the person&s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door,
I&m gone, but you know what I&ve left on the porch$ A jack!o!lantern with a knife stuck in
the side of its head with a note that says )4ou.) After that I usually feel a lot better, and
no harm done.
! "ack Handey
if you are a happy employee does that make you &gruntled& $
! "ack Handey
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this, Wait until
no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. (hen jump
on top of it with your body and yell, )<og o& fire <og o& fire) I&ve never done this, but I
think it&d work.
! "ack Handey
8nce my friend told me that he had found "esus. I thought to myself, )WooHoo, we&re
rich) It turns out he meant something different.
! "ack Handey
Why do bunches of people run from a shark when they see one, if there is a bunch of
people, and one of that shark, wouldn&t it be easy to just attack him and kick his ass$
! "ack Handey
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there
thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling$ 5ometimes
it seemed that way.
! "ack Handey
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us
attacking that world, because they&d never e+pect it.
! "ack Handey
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don&t think I&d call it (rampo!<and, because you
might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey
with our store. 8n the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing
the trampolines, unless a tramp&s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
! "ack Handey
If a cop pulls you over for speeding and comes over and askes you how fast you were
going, a good thing to say is &I dunno, i was speeding the whole time.&
! "ack Handey
It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
! "ack Handey
5ometimes when I drive through the country at night, I see deer crossing the road!a
mommma and two babies. I think how sweet the lil babies look...and then i reali1e that
they&re really illigitimate children. .oor deers...
! "ack Handey
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep -racula and=5uperman
away.
! "ack Handey
I was taking my little nephew to disneyland, but i decided to play a mean trick. i pulled
up ne+t to an old, burned down warehouse. )8h no,) i said. )-isneyland burned down.)
He started crying, and i was about to tell him it was all a joke and drive to the real
disneyland, but it was getting kinda late.
! "ack Handey
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think "upiter should be considered an enemy
planet.
! "ack Handey
It&s easy to sit there and say you&d like to have more money. And I guess that&s what I like
about it. It&s easy. "ust sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money
! "ack Handey
I think there probably should be a rule that if you&re talking about how many loaves of
bread a bullet will go through, it&s understood that you mean lengthwise loaves.
8therwise, it makes no sense.
! "ack Handey
(o me, it&s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk
around. (hat way, if anybody says, )Hey, can you give me a hand$,) you can say, )5orry,
got these sacks.)
! "ack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is )>od is crying.)
And if he asks why >od is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ).robably because of
something you did.)
! "ack Handey
(oo bad you can&t just grab a tree by the very tip!top and bend it clear over the ground
and then let her fly, because I bet you&d be ama1ed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
! "ack Handey
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of 3uestions about your
life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, )*o
speaka 2nglish.)
! "ack Handey
%any people never stop to reali1e that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a
tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very 3uiet.
! "ack Handey
Whenever anyone says )I can&t,) it makes me wish he&d get stung to death by about ten
thousand bees. When he says )I&ll try,) five thousand bees. ?)I can,) one bee.@
! "ack Handey
If you&re a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don&t think it&s a
good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think,
)0orgive me, but that&s just too much.)
! "ack Handey
(he wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. #ut the stupid
man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he&s completely draped in
it. (hen he&ll stand up and go, )Hey, I&m Aine %an.)
! "ack Handey
If you ever fall off the 5ears (ower, just go real limp, because maybe you&ll look like a
dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
! "ack Handey
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don&t think it necessarily means you&re a
hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer
maintenance.
! "ack Handey
When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night
you&d hear screams coming from all over the house...plus anyone who went in, never
came out. <ater I found out it was just a murderers house.
! "ack Handey
(he funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you&re still hitting those brakes.
! "ack Handey
I was heartbroken when I heard about all those people in the chernobyl nuclear
meltdown. It would be kind of cool to have kids with two glowing heads, though.
! "ack Handey
(hink about world peace' while you&re doing that I&ll be over here stealing your stuff.
! "ack Handey
If you&re ever on fire, I think it&s best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get
you in a panic.
! "ack Handey
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for )better treatment)$ I&d ask for a pinball
machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you&d probably be able to get a lot
of free games.
! "ack Handey
8nce when I was in Hawaii, on the island of /auai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He
said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, )8kay, as
long as it&s not a long story. 5ome of us have a plane to catch, you know.) He started
telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought, )(his story isn&t too
long.) #ut then, he kept going, and I started thinking, )Uh!oh, this story is getting long.)
#ut then the story was over, and I said to myself, )4ou know, that story wasn&t too long
after all.) I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It
was a little long, though.
! "ack Handey
(oo bad you can&t get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and
freak everyone out.
! "ack Handey
#efore you critici1e someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you
critici1e them, you&re a mile away and you have their shoes.
! "ack Handey
I think that a hat that has a cannon that comes out, fires, and then goes back in is at least a
decade away.
! "ack Handey
(here is nothing sadder than a mos3uito sucking on a mummy. >ive it up little guy.
! "ack Handey
%om always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, &within reason.&
When I asked her what she meant by &within reason,& she said, &4ou ask a lot of 3uestions
for a garbage man.&
! "ack Handey
8nce I wept for I had no shoes. (hen I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his
shoes. I mean, it&s not like he really needed them.
! "ack Handey
BIf you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the
future, it&s probably best to avoid eye contact.
! "ack Handey
%y favorite uncle was Uncle 6aveman, we called him that because he lived in a cave and
every once in a while he eat one of us, later on we found out he was a bear.
! "ack Handey
(oday I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I
thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a )shell) if you
will. #ut my shell isn&t made out of a hard, protective substance. %ine is made out of
tinfoil and paper bags.
! "ack Handey
Whatever doesn&t kill me makes me stronger. *ot lifting weights doesn&t kill me.
(herefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.
! "ack Handey
)Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and
legs form &spokes.& Happiness is when he stops.)
! "ack Handey
If trees could scream do you think we would be so cavalier as to cutting them down$
%aybe if they screamed all the time for no good reason.)
! "ack Handey
I&ll never forget the time I got caught stealing watermelons from old %r. #arnslow&s
watermelon patch. I was with my friend #obby. We were giggling so hard I thought I&d
wet my pants At first we tried to steal two watermelons each, but they were too heavy
and we dropped them, and that made us laugh even harder. 0inally, we each picked out a
good one, and we were just about to sneak back through the fence when we heard a low,
deep voice behind us. )"ust where do you think you&re going with those watermelons$) I
gulped and turned around. It was old %r. #arnslow, pointing his shotgun at us. #obby
dropped his watermelon, then pulled out the .CD revolver he kept in his waist, turned, and
fired. #ut the turning must have thrown off his aim, because the shot only hit %r.
#arnslow in the thigh. %r. #arnslow immediately fired both barrels at #obby. 8ne blast
of buckshot missed entirely, but the other tore into #obby&s shoulder. He tried to fire
back, but his shoulder was so torn up he couldn&t raise his arm. "ust as he was trying to
switch to his left hand, %r. #arnslow ran up and cracked him across the face with the butt
of his shotgun. #obby fell to the ground in a heap. %r. #arnslow raised the butt of his
gun to finish him off, but just then #obby pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it into
the farmer&s big white belly. After that, I don&t think I stole watermelons for at least a
year.
! "ack Handey
(oo bad <assie didn&t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on
vacation in winter and someone said )<assie, go skate for help,) she could do it.
! "ack Handey
If you&re a young %afia gangster out on your first date, I bet it&s real embarrassing if
someone tries to kill you.
! "ack Handey
When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an 8lympic athlete, because running
real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.
! "ack Handey
Instead of having )answers) on a math test, they should just call them )impressions,) and
if you got a different )impression,) so what, can&t we all be brothers$
! "ack Handey
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don&t want
anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act
like they just woke up and go, )What was that$)
! "ack Handey
(he face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face
! "ack Handey
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and
tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, %ister #rave %an, I guess I am a coward.
! "ack Handey
I once met an assassin who&s nickname was fart. I ask him why he has this nickname and
he tells me it&s because he&s silent but deadly.
! "ack Handey
(he only thing that makes me believe in U08s is that, sometimes I lose stuff.
! "ack Handey
is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo flying across in front
of a beautiful sunset. And he has a beautiful rose in his beak. And also he is carrying a
very beautiful painting in his feet. And also, you&re drunk.
! "ack Handey
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone;s neck, and the
guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing$
! "ack Handey
I bet a real big problem in 4odeling class is people just coming and yodeling right off the
bat. 4ou see, we build to that.
! "ack Handey
I&d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit the high notes I bet you can really see
it in those genitals.
! "ack Handey
Ambition is like a venus fly trap. If a frog were to sit on it, the fly trap could bite and bite
but it wouldn&t hurt the frog because it only has tiny little plant teeth. (hen some other
stuff could happen and that would be like ambition.
! "ack Handey
I don&t like small birds. (hey hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so
innocent. #ut I know that secretly, they&re watching my every move and plotting to beat
me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe
! "ack Handey
%ost people don&t reali1e that two large pieces of coral painted brown and attached to the
skull with common wood screws can make a child look like a deer.
! "ack Handey
If you are ever skydiving, and your parachute fails, and your friends are all watching
youu fall, I think a good gag would be to pretend you&re swimming.
! "ack Handy