Eli Braden

(213) 880-9562
EliBraden@gmail.com
TSA GANGSTAZ by ELI BRADEN
Keeping your sorry ass safe in the unfriendly skies
Long lines, arbitrary rules, rude TSA agents - everyone knows
the feeling of being annoyed by airport security. But now...
its time to be entertained!
TSA Gangstaz is a 30-minute workplace comedy that follows the
exploits of two white wannabe rappers working as TSA agents
while waiting for their big break.
More concerned with furthering their music careers than
preventing terrorism, the naughty-but-lovable duo abuse the
power and authority of their positions for their own selfish
means, with hilarious results.
Echoing Workaholics and Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia,
the show centers around the pairs hair-brained, delusional
schemes to break out of their mundane lives at the airport
and make it big, aided by a ragtag band of loyal co-workers.
For instance, while real gangsta rappers deal drugs to
finance studio time, the TSA Gangstaz deal slightly-used
beauty creams confiscated at security to old ladies looking
for a bargain.
Original comedic music (hip-hop as well as other genres)
plays a prominent role in each episode, with some scenes
playing out music video-style or as musical montages. This
element recalls shows like Flight of the Conchords and
Tenacious D, and the goal is to make these segments strong
enough to stand alone and achieve a virality comparable to
SNLs Lonely Island digital shorts and Jimmy Fallons musical
spoofs.
TSA GANGSTAZ - CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS
DEE-LAY and X-RAY
(dream casting for Dee-Lay: Andy Samberg, Adam Devine)
(dream casting for X-Ray: Brooks Whelan, Anders Holm)
Derek Laynert (a/k/a DEE-LAY or D) and Xerxes Raymond
(a/k/a X-RAY or X) are the principal characters: two best
friends comprising the rap duo that gives the show its name,
TSA Gangstaz.
Both white, handsome, suburban-raised guys in their 20s, they
want nothing in the world more than to become successful
rappers and quit what they consider dead-end TSA jobs... Yet
absurdly, theyve branded themselves the TSA Gangstaz - and
actually wear TSA uniforms when they perform.
While theyre somewhat delusional about their own importance
(they strongly believe theyre the future of hip-hop),
theyre not posers - on the contrary, theyre actually quite
talented, and channel all their energy into making it in the
music business (often at the expense of competently
performing their TSA jobs). However, the half-baked, hair-
brained schemes they employ in pursuit of that success
usually backfire, to comedic effect.
Their dynamic is that of equals - and while neither of them
is the alpha male, they fluidly take turns being the
dominant one in various situations in service to the comedy
of the story-lines. That said, X-Ray tends to be the brains
of the operation, Dee-Lay the brawn.
D and X dont try to talk black (they arent wiggers), but
as young men immersed in hip-hop music and culture, their
speech is peppered liberally with slang from that world.
Theyre usually seen in uniform, though theyve each uniquely
accessorized their TSA garb with hip-hop stylings: Dee-Lay
ties a blue bandanna around his head (2Pac-style) and rolls
one leg of his pants up to his knee, while X-Ray wears a Band-
Aid on his cheek (a la early Nelly) and a thick gold chain
(fake) around his neck.
ORANJEENA
(dream casting: Nicki Minaj, Azealia Banks)
Oranjeena LOreal LAmborghini LIncoln is an insanely hot
African-American TSA agent in her 20s. She dresses
inappropriately sexy for work (too-tight mini-skirts, shirt
tied above midriff, often showing ample cleavage) and is
always seen wearing an orange wig (a variety of styles).
2.
She hates her job, but loves that she can get away with doing
almost nothing most of the time (shes often seen lazily
filing her long, elaborately-painted fingernails). Shes a
bad-ass bitch, and cops major attitude with anyone who
questions her or calls her out for anything - for any reason!
Basically, Oranjeena cannot be bothered with whatever is
going on around her. That said, she has a soft spot in her
heart for her friends Dee-Lay and X-Ray (even though she
thinks theyre crazy), and will go above and beyond for them
when the situation calls for it.
GERALD
(dream casting: Terry Crews, Michael Strahan)
Gerald Washington is a gay African-American TSA agent in his
early 30s. Hes a tall, muscular bodybuilder who, like
Oranjeena, also dresses inappropriately for work (tight
shorts, sleeves cut to show off shoulders and biceps, shirt
tied at waist to showcase amazing six-pack).
At times Gerald abuses his position to gratify his own sexual
desires (for instance, his invasive pat-downs of attractive
male travelers go on far too long), but hes actually the
moral compass of the TSA team, as well as the voice of
reason. Hes fiercely loyal to Dee-Lay and X-Ray, and often
acts as a de facto father figure to them.
LILY
(dream casting: Zooey Deschanel, Maria Thayer)
Lily White is a spunky, attractive, hard-working white girl
in her early 20s. Shes usually the agent watching the
monitor and operating the X-ray scanner conveyor in the TSA
security area.
Shes fairly conventional and likes to follow the rules, but
she has a wild side, as well as a great affection for Dee-Lay
and X-Ray (though she often gets fed up with their blustery
antics).
LIEDERMAN
(dream casting: Rainn Wilson, Kyle Mooney)
Eric Liederman (usually referred to by his last name) is Dee-
Lay and X-Rays nemesis. Hes an uptight, nerdy, by-the-book
TSA agent (think Dwight Schrute from The Office) who,
motivated by jealousy (though hed never admit it), goes out
of his way to sabotage the Gangstaz plans at every turn.
3.
TSA GANGSTAZ - THE PRODUCER BY ELI BRADEN
COLD OPEN: INT. AIRPORT SECURITY AREA, DAY
DEE-LAY supervises passengers prepping baggage for the X-ray
scanner. A NERVOUS MAN places a GUITAR CASE on the rollers
preceding the belt on the conveyor. Dee-Lay points to case.
DEE-LAY
What kinda axe you got?
The nervous man doesnt hear him. He seems preoccupied; his
eyes darting around. Dee-Lay, interpreting this as being
ignored, slams his security wand against conveyor loudly.
DEE-LAY (CONTD)
I SAID, WHAT KINDA AXE YOU GOT?
NERVOUS MAN
(startled)
Sorry! I didnt hear you. I dont
know. Its my... friends.
DEE-LAY
Friends, huh?
Dee-Lay sings riff from Friends theme, air-guitaring along.
DEE-LAY (CONTD)
(smiling and nodding)
Right?
NERVOUS MAN
(completely confused)
Uh... What?
DEE-LAY
(chuckling)
Friends! Get it??
Dee-Lay sings Friends riff again, then waits...
NERVOUS MAN
Oh, right! I get it.
Dee-Lay begins opening guitar case.
DEE-LAY
Watch! I can play the whole song...
The nervous man physically stops Dee-Lay from opening case.
4.
NERVOUS MAN
No! Please, dont.
DEE-LAY
Dude, itll take a second. I just
wanna show you the song.
NERVOUS MAN
(desperate)
I-Id just rather you not. Its...
DEE-LAY
(interrupting; child-like)
Come on! Pleeeeeeease?!?
GERALD walks up menacingly.
GERALD
Problem here, D?
DEE-LAY
He wont lemme play his guitar.
GERALD
(intimidating)
Why wont you let him play it?
NERVOUS MAN
I... I...
GERALD
I! I! Speak, freak! What you
hidin in that case?? Bottled
water??
The nervous man appears emotionally overwhelmed. Then, his
attitude turns - and he seems resigned to fate.
NERVOUS MAN
Ehhh... OK, fine... He can play it.
DEE-LAY
(smiling and pumping fist)
YES!
Nervous man cringes as Dee-Lay opens case and reveals its
contents: several large plastic bags of COCAINE. On top of
the bags rests a TINY UKULELE. After a moment of silence...
DEE-LAY (CONTD)
Dude, thats not a guitar... Its a
ukulele!
Dee-Lay picks up ukulele and brings it to playing position.
5.
GERALD
(laughing)
You thought that was a guitar??
Suddenly realizing he may get away with this, the nervous man
plays along: shrugging shoulders and laughing. Dee-Lay then
launches into a few lines from Israel Kamakawiwooles
version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. It sounds beautiful.
DEE-LAY
(sung)
Somewhere over the rainbow / Way up
high / And the dreams that you
dreamed of / Once in a lullaby
As he finishes, we see Gerald is bawling.
GERALD
(through tears)
Sorry, that gets me every time!
Dee-Lay hands uke to nervous man, who returns it to case.
DEE-LAY
Unfortunately, I dont know
Friends on the uke.
NERVOUS MAN
Oh, no problem. That sounded great!
DEE-LAY
(smiling graciously)
Thank you.
The nervous man closes case and places it on conveyor.
NERVOUS MAN
(unsure what to say)
OK, well... thanks.
GERALD
Travel safe, sir.
The nervous man enters X-ray scanner.
DEE-LAY
That was a nice ukulele.
GERALD
Yeah... High-quality cocaine too.
DEE-LAY
Oh, you kidding? Top shelf.
6.
GERALD
Dat George W. Bush shit!
(MAIN TITLES)
INT. TSA BREAK-ROOM, LATER SAME DAY
X-RAY and ORANJEENA sit at a table. X-Ray watches a TV
mounted on the wall. Oranjeena files her long, elaborately-
painted fingernails.
On the table are some plastic cups and a gigantic bottle of
sizzurp. It looks exactly like a bottle of prescription
cough syrup, but its the size of a 2-liter cola bottle.
Dee-Lay walks in and takes a seat. X-Ray pours a cup of
sizzurp and slides it to Dee-Lay.
X-RAY
Sizzurp?
Dee-Lay nods and picks up cup.
DEE-LAY
(holding cup up)
Frasier!
Dee-Lay downs the drink.
ORANJEENA
Why you say Frasier?
DEE-LAY
Cos Cheers is... played out.
X-RAY
(sings line from Frasier
theme)
Hey baby, I hear the blues a-
callin, tossed salad and scrambled
eggs... Mercy!
Oranjeena rolls her eyes and shakes her head, returning to
her nails. X-Ray and Dee-Lay turn their attention to TV,
which is showing L.A. MUSIC SCENE, a music news program.
X-RAY (CONTD)
(gesturing to TV)
Hey, check it out. Rich Rubenfeld.
7.
Onscreen, a punk-styled woman (SHARON NEEDLES) interviews a
chubby 50-year-old man in aviator shades with long hair and
long beard (RICH RUBENFELD, essentially a RICK RUBIN clone).
SHARON NEEDLES
...Rich, you discovered so many of
the great pioneers of hip-hop, plus
youve worked with dozens of
brilliant rap and rock artists over
the years. So tell me, whats next
for Rich Rubenfeld?
RICH RUBENFELD
(stoic and Buddha-like)
I dont know. I take life... one
day at a time. Only plan I got
right now is get on a plane to
Anchorage tomorrow.
SHARON NEEDLES
Anchorage?
RICH RUBENFELD
Yeah, Im flying up to check out
these dudes I might work with,
Igloocifer. Alaskas hottest
Satanic death metal band.
SHARON NEEDLES
Ah, Igloocifer... And I suppose
being a hot band in Alaska cant be
easy, huh?
Sharon cracks up laughing at her joke. Rich doesnt smile and
stays completely stoic.
RICH RUBENFELD
(flat)
Oh, cos its actually cold there.
Yeah, good one. Funny.
SHARON NEEDLES
(embarrassed)
Alright, well thats all the time
we have. Thanks again to legendary
music producer Rich Rubenfeld for
joining us. Im Sharon Needles -
See you next time on L.A. Music
Scene!
L.A. MUSIC SCENE closing credits roll. X-Ray picks up
remote and turns TV off.
8.
X-RAY
You know what? The only flights
from L.A. to Anchorage leave outta
this terminal.
DEE-LAY
So?
X-RAY
That means Rich Rubenfelds gonna
be coming through security - here -
tomorrow.
DEE-LAY
Dope! We should like, Instagram a
pic with him.
X-RAY
What we should do is give him our
demo. And not just hand him a CD.
Im talkin: put it directly on his
computer.
DEE-LAY
How?
X-RAY
Check it out. Hell have to take
his computer out of his bag when he
goes through security, right?
DEE-LAY
(intrigued)
Go on.
X-RAY
You cause a distraction, I grab the
laptop, stick a thumb drive in, put
our demo on his desktop, and...
(snaps his fingers)
Hell be calling to offer a record
deal the second he lands!
DEE-LAY
(nodding)
Hmmm... But wont he get pissed
when he figures out we messed with
his computer?
X-RAY
Uh, hes gonna be a little too busy
being psyched about discovering the
future of rap to be pissed!
9.
ORANJEENA
(barely paying attention)
Who the hell is this guy? Rich...
Rub-and-tug?
Dee-Lay pulls out his phone and begin typing.
DEE-LAY
(while typing on phone)
Rich Rubenfeld. And you may not
know his name, but you definitely
know his music...
Dee-Lay shows Oranjeena his phone. Video playing on phone
goes full screen as we hear Dee-Lay in V.O.
DEE-LAY (CONTD)
(in V.O.)
Back in the day, Rich Rubenfeld
discovered and produced the Holy
Trinity of old-school New York hip-
hop: Nun-DMC...
We see TWO YOUNG BLACK MEN dressed in full nun habits (with
Adidas stripes down arms/legs) performing in an old-school
hip-hop video set in a church.
DEE-LAY (CONTD)
(in V.O.)
...the Beastie Babies...
We see THREE YOUNG WHITE MEN performing old-school hip-hop
onstage dressed in nothing but diapers and baby bonnets. One
of them sucks beer from a gigantic baby bottle.
DEE-LAY (CONTD)
(in V.O.)
...and Lip Licker Cool J.
We see an L.L. COOL J LOOK-A-LIKE in an old-school hip-hop
video. He does nothing but gaze into camera and lick his lips
seductively for several seconds while a simple beat plays in
the background.
The video ends and were back in the break room.
ORANJEENA
(unimpressed)
Damn he old! Thats the shit my
grandma listened to.
10.
X-RAY
But thats the thing! Hes still in
the game making hits thirty years
later!
DEE-LAY
He even did Kim Kardashians
husbands last album!
X-RAY
(sing-songy)
And thats why he could take TSA
Gangstaz to the next level, yo!
X-Ray and Dee-Lay high five.
DEE-LAY
(to Oranjeena)
So... you wanna help us or what?
ORANJEENA
Well... OK, Ill help you. On one
condition. If you end up workin
wit him, you gotta get him to be a
guest on my podcast.
DEE-LAY
(surprised)
You have a podcast?
ORANJEENA
(pure attitude)
Oh, cos Im black I cant have a
podcast??
DEE-LAY
No, its not that! I just... didnt
know you had one.
ORANJEENA
Well, I do. And if this guys such
a big deal, havin him on might
boost my damn download count!
X-RAY
Of course you can have him on as a
guest, Oranjeena.
ORANJEENA
(comically formal)
Thank you.
11.
X-RAY
Now listen. I think I have an idea
on how we can pull this off...
INT. AIRPORT SECURITY AREA, THE NEXT DAY
A Mission Impossible-style spy music cue plays as we see
Rich Rubenfeld walk through a crowd of people then into the
VIP security area. After he enters, one bystander turns
around, revealing himself to be X-Ray, disguised in a bad wig
and fake mustache.
X-Ray immediately blocks VIP entrance with a chain from which
a CLOSED sign hangs. He then raises a walkie-talkie to his
face.
X-RAY
(into walkie-talkie)
The bear has entered the forest.
Repeat: the bear has entered the
forest.
We see a tight, shoulders-up shot of Dee-Lay, Oranjeena and
Gerald. They wear camouflage hats. Gerald wears yellow-tint
hunting glasses. Dee-Lay raises a walkie-talkie to his face.
DEE-LAY
(into walkie-talkie)
Copy that.
We see Lily sitting at monitor of VIP line security conveyor.
No one else is around. Rich Rubenfeld approaches, removes
laptop from bag, and places it in plastic tray on conveyor.
Nonchalantly, Lily raises a walkie-talkie to her face.
LILY
(into walkie-talkie)
The bears laptop is in the trap.
Repeat: the bears laptop is in the
trap.
Back on tight shot of Dee-Lay, Oranjeena and Gerald.
DEE-LAY
(into walkie-talkie)
10-4.
Dee-Lay, Oranjeena and Gerald look at each other, nod, and
walk out of shot.
We see Rich Rubenfeld placing his shoes in a plastic tray on
conveyor. Suddenly, Dee-Lay, Oranjeena and Gerald appear from
around a corner and approach him.
12.
We see Dee-Lay and Gerald are dressed as hunters from head-to-
toe. Oranjeena wears a low-cut, sexy camouflage top and
camouflage short shorts. Gerald carries A HUNTING RIFLE. Dee-
Lay carries A LIVE DUCK. The three of them immediately
surround Rich Rubenfeld excitedly.
ORANJEENA
OMG!! Its really you!!
DEE-LAY
We are such huge fans, seriously!!
Gerald jumps up and down, screaming like a schoolgirl in
excitement.
RICH RUBENFELD
(overwhelmed and confused)
Uh, thanks, thanks.
In the background we see Lily press a button to stop movement
of conveyor as X-Ray walks up slyly and grabs Rich
Rubenfelds laptop from plastic tray.
ORANJEENA
For real, though, we watch your
show, like, every week!
DEE-LAY
Its literally the only thing we
watch!
GERALD
(holding out rifle and a
Sharpie)
Would you autograph my gun?
RICH RUBENFELD
(even more confused)
My show? What... show?
ORANJEENA
Uh, hello!! Quack Empire??
DEE-LAY
Duh! Only the best thing on TV!!
GERALD
(moving rifle and Sharpie
closer to Rubenfeld)
Would you please autograph my gun?
MEANWHILE... We cut to a hidden corner behind Lily where X-
Ray has turned on Rich Rubenfelds laptop. He inserts a thumb
drive and waits impatiently for it to start up.
13.
X-RAY
(nervously to himself)
Come on! Come on!
Suddenly the AOL start-up logo appears on laptop screen.
AOL VOICE
(in V.O.)
Youve got mail!
X-RAY
(to himself, incredulous)
Jesus Christ - this guy is old!
MEANWHILE... Rich Rubenfeld attempts to clear up confusion.
RICH RUBENFELD
I think you have me mixed up with
someone else. Im not the Quack
Empire guy.
DEE-LAY
Sure you are!
(in a hushed tone)
Hey listen, your secrets safe with
us!
ORANJEENA
We aint gonna tell nobody!
Oranjeena grabs Rich Rubenfelds beard and tugs. He winces.
ORANJEENA (CONTD)
(to Dee-Lay, excitedly)
He got the beard and everything!
GERALD
(moving rifle and Sharpie
still closer)
Would you please please please
autograph my gun?
DEE-LAY
(holding out the duck and
a Sharpie)
And also, my duck?
Rich Rubenfeld finally reaches his limit - he pushes Geralds
rifle away aggressively.
RICH RUBENFELD
(furious)
Dude!
14.
(MORE)
First off, what the hell are you
doing with a rifle - and a duck -
at an airport?? Second, whoever you
think I am, Im not! So please -
just leave me alone!
Rich Rubenfeld begins to turn around.
LILY
(under her breath)
Hurry up!
X-Ray waits helplessly as long process of booting up AOL
plays out on laptop screen.
X-RAY
(nervous)
I know! I know! Come oooooooon!
Just as Rich Rubenfeld is about to notice his laptop is
missing, Oranjeena leaps between him and conveyor and goes
into seduction mode, placing her hands on his chest. Rich
Rubenfeld is immediately distracted.
ORANJEENA
(oozing sexuality)
You know, I think your duck calls
are sooooooooo sexy.
Oranjeena reaches between her breasts and pulls out a large,
cylindrical, phallic Duck Commander-style duck call. She
holds it up to her lips suggestively.
ORANJEENA (CONTD)
What was you thinkin about when
you designed this one, baby?
RICH RUBENFELD
(entranced)
I-I didnt... design that.
ORANJEENA
Ha ha... Youre too modest. I bet I
know what you was thinkin about.
Oranjeena puts duck call between her lips and begins sucking
it erotically. Rich Rubenfelds eyes widen and his mouth
hangs open.
MEANWHILE... We see X-Ray working on laptop. Hes finally
able to close out annoying AOL start-up window.
15.
RICH RUBENFELD (CONT'D)
AOL VOICE
(in V.O.)
Goodbye!
X-RAY
Go to hell!
We see X-Rays work on laptop screen: He opens thumb drive
icon and moves folder marked IGLOOCIFER DEMO - LISTEN TO
THIS ASAP onto desktop. After it finishes loading, he double-
clicks it, then double-clicks file inside. A Quicktime-style
viewing window immediately opens and begins to play. We see
Dee-Lay and X-Ray inside that window onscreen, addressing
camera directly.
X-RAY (CONTD)
(in screen on laptop)
Rich Rubenfeld! Hi, uh, were the
TSA Gangstaz. This actually isnt
the Igloocifer demo, the truth is:
its our demo. Sorry we had to
deceive you - but hopefully, after
hearing our stuff, youll be glad
we did.
DEE-LAY
(in screen on laptop)
It would be a great honor to work
with you, sir! Were huge fans!
X-RAY
(in screen on laptop, to
DEE-LAY)
Stop being such a kiss ass!
(to camera)
Anyway, it would be amazing to work
with you and we really hope you
like our music, so... without
further ado...
X-RAY AND DEE-LAY
(awkwardly shouted in
unison)
...THE TSA GANGSTAZ!
Dee-Lay and X-Ray are immediately replaced onscreen by an
elaborate TSA GANGSTAZ logo and contact info as one of
their songs begins to play.
X-RAY
Perfecto.
Music stops as X-Ray closes viewer window. He suddenly sees
three folders on desktop he hadnt noticed previously.
16.
One is labelled CHILD PORN: BEST. One is labelled CHILD
PORN: PERSONAL FAVES. One is labelled CHILD PORN: NEW
STUFF.
X-RAY (CONTD)
(incredulous)
Child porn?? ... What the...
LILY
(urgent whisper)
X, hurry up!
X-RAY
OK! OK!
X-Ray shuts down laptop and pulls out thumb drive.
MEANWHILE... Rich Rubenfeld is engrossed watching Oranjeena,
who is basically fellating duck call at this point.
ORANJEENA
Wonder what happens if I... blow
it.
Oranjeena begins blowing duck call repeatedly, emitting a
very loud, very unsexy quacking sound. She simultaneously
starts working the duck call aggressively with her mouth and
hands, physically simulating a blowjob nearing climax.
MEANWHILE... At sound of duck call, the duck being held by
Dee-Lay goes crazy: flapping wings and quacking. Dee-Lay
looks to Gerald desperately.
DEE-LAY
What do I do??
GERALD
I dont know! Cover his ears!
Dee-Lay uses a thumb and finger to cover parts of ducks head
where ears would be. Its completely ineffective.
Back on Oranjeena, her spirited blowjob simulation suddenly
reaches an obvious climax, and the duck call sounds switch
from short/intense to long/relaxed before halting completely.
TANJAREEN
Mmmmmmm... So, did that ruffle your
feathers, Mr. Duck-Man?
RICH RUBENFELD
(practically post-coital)
Wow... You sure know how to make a
duck come!
17.
Immediately back on Dee-Lay, we see him wiping what is
apparently duck ejaculate from the front of his shirt in
disgust. The duck, now sedate, rests on his arm.
DEE-LAY
Ill say! Bleeccchh!
GERALD
(amazed at size of mess)
That duck sure came, all right!
Back at conveyor belt, X-Ray walks up stealthily and returns
laptop to its plastic tray as Lily fires conveyor back on as
if nothing happened. Laptop disappears into security scanner
as Oranjeena, suddenly ALL BUSINESS, walks away purposefully.
RICH RUBENFELD
Hey... Where you going?
Oranjeena turns around briefly and points at Rich Rubenfeld.
TANJAREEN
(severe)
You better do my damn podcast!
RICH RUBENFELD
OK... Whats a podcast?
RICH RUBENFELD, still dazed, gazes at her fine ass as she
strides away.
INT. TSA BREAK-ROOM, A FEW MOMENTS LATER
X-Ray, Oranjeena, Gerald and Lily (all wearing same clothes
as previous scene) are gathered in semi-circle, each holding
champagne flute filled with sizzurp. Dee-Lay fills his own
flute from giant cough syrup bottle. The mood is festive.
DEE-LAY
Guys, we kicked ass today. The plan
went off without a hitch.
Dee-Lay raises champagne flute, now filled.
DEE-LAY (CONTD)
To a job well done, gang: Frasier!
EVERYONE
(in unison)
FRASIER!
Everyone clinks champagne flutes together and drinks.
18.
X-RAY
And heres to pretending I didnt
see a bunch of child porn on Rich
Rubenfelds computer!
EVERYONE
(in unison)
FRASIER!
Everyone clinks champagne flutes together and drinks. A beat
later, Dee-Lay, Oranjeena, Gerald and Lily all do over-the-
top spit-takes in unison.
DEE-LAY
Wait, what?? Child porn??
X-RAY
(hemming and hawing)
Eh, maybe. Who knows? ... I mean,
everyone has their quirks.
X-Ray downs remainder of sizzurp in his flute.
LILY
X, if you saw child porn on his
computer, you gotta go to the
police!
X-RAY
I know, I know! ... Just maybe wait
til after he gives us a record
deal.
GERALD
(laying down the law)
Naw man, this is child porn. You
gotta call the cops right away.
DEE-LAY
Are you sure it was child porn?
Maybe it was just short people?
X-RAY
I didnt look at it! But there
were... folders. Three of em.
Clearly marked: child porn.
DEE-LAY
Oof.
Dee-Lay downs remainder of sizzurp in his flute. They all
stand in despondent silence for a beat. X-Ray and Dee-lay
look at each other.
19.
X-RAY AND DEE-LAY
(to each other, in unison)
What are we gonna do?
X-Ray and Dee-Lay turn to look directly into camera, their
faces expressing confused desperation as we fade into...
MUSIC VIDEO: WHAT TO DO?
Action cuts to performance of an original TSA Gangstaz rap
song, What To Do?, presented music video style.
Scene/song opens with Dee-Lay and X-Ray walking down a
street, rapping to each other as if in conversation...
WHAT TO DO?
(In unison) What to do, what to do? We dont know what to do!
Look the other way or call the boys in blue?
(X-Ray) Child porn is serious / (Dee-Lay) But our careers are
too!
(In unison) I wish we knew what the heck to do!
(X-Ray) It felt like getting stabbed in the heart with a
knife
To find out that a guy Ive looked up to my whole life
Had child porn on his computer - Its not right!
(Dee-Lay) But bro, if he likes us, we could blow up
overnight!
Dee-Lay and X-Ray come to a church, which they decide to
enter - in search of divine guidance. At church entrance
they encounter a PRIEST exiting...
(Dee-Lay) Besides, whats the big deal? Its just a few pics!
Its not like he got busted touching young boys dicks
(X-Ray) But even having photos like that? Dude, its sick!
(Priest) Dont knock it til you tried it, fellas! / (In
unison) Ick!
Dee-Lay and X-Ray enter the empty church, walk to the altar
and kneel in prayer...
(In unison) What to do, what to do? We dont know what to do!
We face a great dilemma and we havent got a clue
Its like an episode of Law and Order: SVU
(X-Ray) That shows not as good without Stabler / (Dee-Lay)
Thats true
(In unison) Yo, Holy Father, we need a little guidance
Please put your divine wisdom inside us
20.
Suddenly, a ghost-like vision of GOD appears before them: a
bearded old Jewish man on a heavenly throne...
(God) What, you need ME to tell you how to decide this?!?
(X) Um... (D) well... (X) uh... (D) eh... (X) kinda?
To Dee-Lay and X-Rays surprise, God stands up and delivers
his lines in an aggressive gangsta rap fashion, acting out
scenarios he describes with props...
(God) In that case, I say: chop off his balls with a machete
Then with a cheese grater turn his cock into confetti
Soak the sick fuck head-to-toe in gas
Then stick a flaming pool cue up his ass
And while he burns he can think about what he did
Thats what he gets for messing around with little kids!
(X-Ray) Uh, actually were just asking if we should call the
police
Then what do you need me for? Im outta here. PEACE!
After Peace!, song immediately ends - and God disappears in
a puff of smoke. After a beat, Dee-Lay and X-Ray look at each
other knowingly, both nodding in resignation...
INT. AIRPORT GATE AREA, THE NEXT DAY
X-Ray and Dee-Lay stand near an airport gate with OFFICER
OBRIEN and OFFICER OLEARY, as PASSENGERS begin disembarking
from a flight thats just arrived from Anchorage. Both police
officers speak in THICK IRISH BROGUES.
OFFICER OBRIEN
Now dont be worryin, laddies -
you boyos are doin the right thing
turnin in this manky git!
OFFICER OLEARY
Well make sure he gets whats
comin to im. Ya know, theres a
place in hell reserved for wankers
who touch wee snappers in the
privates!
OFFICER OBRIEN
And weve also got a place reserved
for em down at the station: in a
sound-proof room in the basement!
Officer OBrien mimes violently slamming someone repeatedly
with his night-stick. The policemen laugh uproariously. X-Ray
and Dee-Lay appear uneasy.
21.
X-RAY
OK, but... go easy on him, fellas.
The guys a music legend.
DEE-LAY
And we dont actually know that he
touches little kids.
OFFICER OLEARY
Wont be easy touchin anyone with
all them broken fingers!
Officer OLeary mimes gripping someones forearm and
methodically breaking their fingers one by one violently by
hand. The policemen laugh uproariously. X-Ray and Dee-Lay,
obviously having misgivings, look at each other and gulp.
Suddenly, Rich Rubenfeld appears at gate. X-Ray and Dee-Lay
immediately rush over to him.
X-RAY
Mr. Rubenfeld, we just want to
apologize.
DEE-LAY
Were really sorry for whats about
to happen, sir.
Rich Rubenfeld appears oblivious to what theyre saying.
RICH RUBENFELD
Hey - Youre the TSA Gangstaz!
Guys, I love your demo!
X-RAY AND DEE-LAY
(in unison)
You do?!?
RICH RUBENFELD
Yeah, its slammin! Great stuff. I
gotta get you two in the studio!
Rich Rubenfeld pulls out business card and hands it to X-Ray.
RICH RUBENFELD (CONTD)
Heres my card. My pager numbers
on there; page me tomorrow. Also,
fax me your contact info as soon as
you...
Both police officers suddenly appear. They grab Rich
Rubenfeld by the arms and cuff him aggressively.
22.
RICH RUBENFELD (CONTD)
OW!! WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?
OFFICER OBRIEN
Rich Rubenfeld, youre under arrest
for possession of child
pornography. You have the right to
remain silent. Anything you say can
and will be used against you in a
court of law...
The policemen lead Rich Rubenfeld away in handcuffs. As they
leave, Officer OLeary turns around, mimes a few more violent
blows with his night stick, then gives X-Ray and Dee-Lay a
wink, a smile, and a thumbs-up.
X-Ray and Dee-Lay stand in silence, despondent. A RANDOM
STRANGER walks up to them.
RANDOM STRANGER
Wow! Did you see that? Whyd they
arrest that guy?
X-RAY
Child porn.
RANDOM STRANGER
(disgusted)
Child porn?? Really?? ... Ugh, Im
never watching Quack Empire
again!
INT. TSA BREAK-ROOM, THE NEXT DAY
X-Ray and Oranjeena sit at table. X-Ray watches TV mounted on
wall. Oranjeena files her nails.
On table are plastic cups and giant bottle of cough syrup.
Dee-Lay walks in and takes a seat. X-Ray pours a cup of cough
syrup and slides it to Dee-Lay. Dee-Lay picks up cup.
DEE-LAY
(holding cup up)
The Tortellis!
Dee-Lay downs the drink.
ORANJEENA
Why you say The Tortellis?
DEE-LAY
It was... another spin-off of
Cheers.
23.
X-RAY
Terrible show. Cancelled
immediately.
ORANJEENA
Yall are weird.
Oranjeena rolls eyes and shakes head, returning to her nails.
X-Ray and Dee-Lay turn their attention to TV, which is
showing a news broadcast.
X-RAY
(gesturing to TV)
Hey, check it out.
On TV, a FEMALE NEWS REPORTER speaks while a photo of Rich
Rubenfeld is projected behind her.
NEWS REPORTER
...And finally, music producer Rich
Rubenfeld was arrested yesterday on
suspicion of possessing child
pornography. But turns out, the
whole thing was a big mix-up.
Rubenfeld was released from custody
and all charges have been dropped.
News broadcast cuts to press conference where Officer OBrien
and Officer OLeary address reporters.
OFFICER OBRIEN
We were given information that
folders containing child
pornography were present on Mr.
Rubenfelds laptop. After a
thorough investigation, weve
concluded the folders in question
actually contained music - by a
rock n roll band Mr. Rubenfeld
works with known as Child Porn.
OFFICER OLEARY
On behalf of the entire police
department, wed like to extend our
deepest apologies to Mr. Rubenfeld
for this error.
We cut away from news broadcast briefly to see Dee-Lay and X-
Ray, wide-eyed and incredulous, look at each other in horror.
News broadcast cuts to performance footage of hard rock band
called CHILD PORN. We hear their heavy music in background
while News Reporter speaks in V.O.
24.
NEWS REPORTER
(light-hearted; in V.O.)
Thats right - believe it or not,
theres actually a rock band called
Child Porn! The confusion all
started when another music group,
known as the TSA Gangsters...
Promo photo of Dee-Lay and X-Ray appears onscreen.
NEWS REPORTER (CONTD)
...tipped off police after stealing
Rubenfelds laptop - in an attempt
to trick him into listening to
their music.
News broadcast cuts to press conference where Rich Rubenfeld
addresses reporters. Hes covered in bruises, welts and
bandages - hes been beaten senseless.
RICH RUBENFELD
(angry and intense)
Id like to announce Ill be suing
the Los Angeles Police Department
for ten million dollars for
injuries sustained during my
arrest.
REPORTER AT PRESS CONFERENCE
(shouted, in V.O.)
And what about this rap group, the
TSA Gangstaz? Will you be suing
them as well?
RICH RUBENFELD
(like a movie villain)
The TSA Gangstaz? No, I wont be
suing the TSA Gangstaz. Ive got
something far worse in mind for
them.
(directly into camera)
I want to personally guarantee the
TSA Gangstaz Ill do everything in
my power to make sure they never,
ever, ever make it in the music
industry!
TV powers off abruptly. We see Dee-Lay set remote control on
table. Dee-Lay and X-Ray sit stunned as Oranjeena continues
to casually file her nails. After a few beats of silence...
25.
DEE-LAY
(fuming)
Well great, looks like I got duck
jizz all over my shirt for nothing!
X-RAY
(reassuring)
Ah, dont worry... Duck jizz washes
out easily.
A beat of silence...
DEE-LAY
Wait - how do you know??
X-Ray gulps and sheepishly averts his eyes.
THE END
(WE SEE THE FOLLOWING SCENE DURING THE CLOSING CREDITS)
INT. MIKE MAROONS TINY SHED, DAY
Rich Rubenfeld is a guest on popular podcast What the Heck
with Mike Maroon. He and MIKE MAROON (essentially a MARC
MARON clone - thin, handsome, bespectacled middle-aged Jewish
comedian) sit at a table in the tiny shed that doubles as the
shows studio, wearing headphones and speaking into
microphones.
DOZENS OF CATS crawl around the tiny shed - on the table, on
the floor, even on Mike and Rich themselves. The walls are
covered with posters and photos of cats.
MIKE MAROON
(into microphone)
Hello, and welcome to What the
Heck. Im your host, Mike Maroon.
Today on the show we have legendary
music producer Rich Rubenfeld.
Rich, thanks for joining me and my
cats here in the cat shed!
RICH RUBENFELD
(ill-at-ease and
uncomfortable)
No problem. Um, this is my first
podcast. Are there always this
many... cats?
26.
MIKE MAROON
(verging on Yiddish)
What, you dont like cats?
Suddenly, Oranjeena kicks open the door and storms into the
tiny shed. Cats scatter everywhere as she strides up to Rich
Rubenfeld and addresses him directly.
ORANJEENA
What the fuck, motherfucker?!? You
were supposed to do my podcast,
bitch!!
Mike Maroon and Rich Rubenfeld have scooted their chairs
close together and hold each other, cowering. They both look
absolutely terrified as Oranjeena hovers over them, scowling
viciously.
27.