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THE CHOICE OF YOUR LIFETIME SEMINAR

KEEPING ATTRACTION HEALTHY


Mindful Dating, Love & Infatuation
By: John Loppnow

The Call  To Know & Become like Christ


To Love God and Love others.

Identity I am ___________________________

Questions
 What can I learn from _______________ in this situation?
 Am I becoming more like him in this moment?

Purpose of Life – Patience apprenticeship in following Jesus Christ

What are the greatest commandments?

Purpose of Marriage – 24 hour discipleship

Marriage is the laboratory where my ability to love is tested.


Am I becoming increasingly holy in relating to my wife/husband?

Purpose of Dating – Discernment & Choice

The purpose of dating is to discern and choose who will be your mutual 24-hour
discipler.

Define Discipler:

Am I becoming a more loving person? [I Cor 13:4-8]


• patient • not easily angered
• kind • keeps no record of
• not envious wrongs
• not proud • rejoices with the truth
• not rude • always protect

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Keeping Attraction Healthy

Is my attraction always healthy?


Does my attraction always lead me to good choices?

We will talk about why in the next section.


Now we will talk about what guidelines may be helpful.

P.I.C.K. Model / “How to avoid marrying a jerk”

Premarital Interpersonal Choices & Knowledge [www.nojerks.com]

Definition of a Jerk(ette): someone who has “resistance” to change some


problem area of their life. (Specifically a repeating pattern of problematic
behavior which hinders intimacy and your developing relationship.)

Wise v. Foolish Choices

Wise person –

Foolish person –
The way to follow your heart, without losing your mind.
The bonding forces that must be kept in balance as a relationship grows.

5 Areas – Bonding Forces Needed to be kept in balance


Never let one level exceed the previous level.

1. Knowledge

Knowledge = ____________ + ______________ + _____________

 How much time does it take to know someone well enough to


marry them?
 Why does it take so long?
 It takes at least 3 months to begin to see problem patterns in
someone.

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5 Key Things to Learn About Someone

F _____________ & Background


A _____________ & actions of a Mature Conscience
C _____________Potential
E _____________ of Previous Friendship or Relationship Patterns
S _____________ for Relationships

2. Trust

 Trust develops as you create an internal image of your


partner.
 Definition: to be confident, hope
 Origin of image
- Stereotype
- Ideal
- Real

3. Reliance

 Reliance occurs as you test the dependability of


your partner
 What is the process of investing Reliance & testing
Trust
 The IRA Principles

- ___________________
- ___________________
- ___________________

4. Commitment

 Does my level of commitment match my


knowledge, trust & reliance of this person?
 What objective standards can I use to see if my
commitment is placed wisely?

5. Touch

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That which can greatly enhance and enrich a marital relationship


Can just as greatly delude and deceive a premarital relationship.
Pre-marital sexual & physical involvement can cause you to overlook
problem areas in your relationship and in the person you are dating.
The Dilema  The Brain on Drugs
Napoleon Bonaparte said that love was a “stupidity of two.”

Infatuation
 A blessing?
 A curse?
 Something to understand and be mindful about?

What is infatuation?
Dictionary definition: Infatuation
1. [n] an object of extravagant short-lived passion
2. [n] foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration

 Blinders

- Helps people ______________________

- Can lead to ___________ or _________

BRAIN & BODY – REGARDING INFATUATION

Physiological understanding

Brain

 Siegel’s hand model of the brain

Triune Brain

 Reptilian [survival] Brain


 Limbic [feeling] Brain
 Neo-cortex [thinking] Brain

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3 Stages of Relationships

1. Infatuation

2. Rupture / Power Struggle

3. Repair - Reconnected

The Path/Resolution  Mindful Infatuation


• Solitude – converse with the Father (like Jesus)

• 2-3 Friends – Community – intimate (Jesus w/


John, James & Peter)

• Mentor – someone who can speak truth & grace


into your life

One Thing
I learned 

Action step
I will take 

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THE CHOICE OF YOUR LIFETIME SEMINAR

THE WILL OF GOD


By: Joshua Pak

Attraction Theories
1. Biological Theory: (1) Symmetric Theory
(2) Pheromone Theory (gone in two years)
(3) Reproduction Theory (survival)

2. Cultural Theory:cultural expectations (54 million married couples –


94% married the same ethnic people)

3. Sociological Theory: (1) Age


(2) Education
(3) Socioeconomic Status (Diana/Charles)
(4) Intelligence (very important to many)
(5) marital status, religion, values
(6) Mental health
(7) physical closeness (5000 married couples in
Philadelphia – 800 couples lived within one block away
from each other)

4. Psychological Theory:(1) Complementary Theory


(2) Exchange Theory (benefit vs. loss)
(3) Influence of Primary Caregivers
(4) Eclectic Theory

5. Integrated Approach: Biological + Cultural + Sociological + Psychological

Mindful Infatuation according to the Scripture

1. Complementary Mindful Infatuation (Genesis 2:18 – Helpmate)

2. Similar Mindful Infatuation (Genesis 2:22-23 – Confession of Adam)

3. Intimate Mindful Infatuation (Genesis 2:25 – Naked but not shameful)

True or False

____ My marriage should be strikingly different from others because I am very


special. I shouldn’t have any major conflicts and fights.
____ As we get married, we should be happy together because God loves.

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____ Through my spouse, God will meet all my needs and heal me completely.
____ If I get married, I will be able to do everything I wanted to do. Yes, I will be
able to become free.
____ If I am with my beloved, suffering should have no effect on me.
____ I can change my spouse after I get married.

BAD NEWS

According to the statistics,


- divorce rate in America is close to 50%.
- Orange County alone is close to 60%.
- Shockingly, Korean-American marked the second highest rate of divorce
among ethnic minorities, reaching up to 46%.
- 40% of newly-wed couples reported that marriage is a lot difficult than what
they expected (Around & Pauker, 1987).
- Couples reported that satisfaction about marriage starts to decrease after 4
years of marriage (Kurdek, 1998).
- About 19% of the couples end up in divorce after 5 years of marriage (U.S.
Bureau of Census, 2000).

God’s Intended Purpose for Marriage

In Genesis 1:27, 31, God created man


(1) in his own image, in the image of God he created him;
(2) male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them,
(3) “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over
the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that
moves on the ground – everything that has breath of life in it . . . .God saw all
that he had made, and
(4) it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning . . .

Marriage is God-Intended,
God-Made Institution.
It is God who created marriage,
and it is God who blessed marriage,
and it is God who wants to make Himself known
through marital and family relationship.

The Purpose of Marriage

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1. To reflect His image and glorify His name: God wants to restore us
back to be His heir and channel of His blessings.

Becoming like Him (Imitating Him) for we are created in his own image.
You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging
to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness
into his wonderful light. - 1 Peter 2:9
He has chosen us to reflect his royal glory.
He has chosen us to be holy, not just happy.
When we live a life of holiness, we will be happy.

2. To know God through the mysterious marriage relationship.


His image of harmonious and complementary relationship (trinity).
Men and Women are different, but both are precious and important.

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.
I will make a helper suitable for him.” - Genesis 2:18

Helper:
(1) It means “to support” in Hebrew (encourage and help alongside of you to
complement you and perfect you).
(2) It was used 19 times in Genesis, and it was used to describe God as the
one who helps alongside 16 out of 19 times.
(3) In Hebrew, “suitable” means “in front of,” and it was used 16 times in the Old
Testament as “opposite”. Therefore, God created Eve who is opposite of
Adam. In fact, Eve will compliment Adam, but they should not be the same.
Yes. What we need is not the alike partner, but the complimentary partner.
Requirements for Respectful Marital Relationship
(1) Mutual acceptance
(2) Mutual appreciation
(3) Mutual goals with similar biblical values and teamwork
(4) Vision of Godly Family
(5) Conviction
(6) Action
(7) Determination and Patience
(8) Completion as the Holy Spirit guides us and helps us to
obey His purpose and His will in our lives

3. God wants us to have a fruitful life.


God wants us to be fruitful, increase in number,
fill the earth and subdue it, and rule over everything (Gen 1:28-30)

God wants us to have Godly offsprings, disciples of Jesus Christ.

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He also urges us to guard ourselves in our spirit and not to break faith, the
marriage covenant (Malachi 2:13-16).

4. God wants us to have abundant life.


I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10).
Man seeks security,
But God gives peace that surpasses all understanding.
Man seeks fun and pleasure that are extremely temporary,
But God gives joy through grace.
Man seeks riches,
But God holds rewards in heaven.
Man seeks attention and glory,
But God delivers love-unconditional.
Man seeks happiness (happenings),
But God grants life-everlasting.
Man seeks status quo,
But God challenges us
to grow and mature to be a new wineskin, not just to be healed.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall


My Wife taught me how selfish I am
My Children taught me how sinful I am

I believe, the measure of my maturity depends on my relationship to my


wife and children.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. - Galatians 5:22

5. God wants us to have His Heart and Vision (Mat 28:16-20).

GOOD NEWS

The Institute for American Value indicates that only 645 couples out of 5,232
couples (beyond ethnicity, age, and socioeconomic status) reported that their
marriage is unhappy (only 12%, there is a difference between unhappy and fulfilling
marriage).

Out of 645 couples, 167 couples (3.2%) went through divorce within 5 years, the
rest of 478 couples sustain their marriage. Interestingly, out of 167 divorced or
separated couples, only 84 couples (50%) reported being secure and satisfied about
life. Whereas 382 couples out of 478 couples (80%) reported being happy again, and
their listed reasons are:

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(1) children grew up,


(2) job security and satisfaction,
(3) earnest efforts to change,
(4) worked on better communication,
(5) sought after personal goals and happiness, not just relying on
their spouse only.

According to The Case for Marriage (Linda Waite and Natalie Gallagher, 2000),
after carefully analyzing 400 researches about marriage,

Married people are generally more:


(1) healthier, (2) happier, (3) lives longer, (4) enjoys sex better,
(5) richer, (6) their children excel more in academics,
(7) their children have higher emotional intelligence.

However, the divorce rate of couples who pray and bless one another daily is
only one out of thousand couples (.001%). There is no other method and skill
that protects and cultivate the marriage as much as the prayer of blessings.
(John M. Drescher, Parents-Passing the Torch of Faith, Herald Press, 1998)

_____________ is writing your Love Story !

Topics of Discussion during the Lunch Break

1. How do we know that one is interested in you? Then, what should you
do?

2. If the person is not interested in you, how can you make yourself known?

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3. How do we know the will of God concerning the person you are dating?

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Finding the Will of God


Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4 -

1. Spiritual Aspects (Fruit of the Spirit, Values, Discipline, Vision, Passion,


Spiritual Gift)
2. Relational Aspects (Communication, Family, Friends)
3. Intellectual Aspects (Education, Topics of Interests)
4. Cultural Aspects (Identity)
5. Circumstantial Aspects (Security, Potential, Reality)
6. Physical Aspects (appearances, health)

Non- Absolutely
Essentials
E Not
ss
List them by importance !
Revise your list as you pray time to time !

If you remain in me and my words remain in you,


Ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.
This is to my Father’s glory that you bear much
fruit, Showing yourselves to be my disciples.
John 15:7-8

How to Use the Prayer List (Not as an idol, but as a tool)

1. To be honest and realistic about my preferences.


2. Watch out when your list is too spiritual (Don’t deceive yourself).
3. To discover my inner world and spiritual state. Ask why when you
see some items that are unusual.
4. To see whether myself is fit to the person on the list.
5. To evaluate my growth through the honest and specific prayer list.
6. To give glory to God who answers our prayers in very details for He
knows us and our best.
PRAYER TOPIC

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ESSENTIALS NON-ESSENTIALS NO WAY


1. 1. 1.

2. 2.
2.
3. 3.

4. 4. 3.

5. 5.
4.
6. 6.

7. 7. 5.

8. 8.

9. 9.

10. 10.

What you wanted the The most difficult things Personality:


most when you were a in your life currently
child? (what you want the most
right now)?

Rebound: Major Issues Responses when in


conflicts:

STGES OF DATING
By: Helen Noh

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1. Societal messages about dating

a. Market Economy Mentality


• a culture of production and consumption.
• trying to create in each one of us a sense of need and longing
for something more.
• we are influenced to believe that we must be unsatisfied with
what we have.
b. The “Instant Gratification” Generation
• desire to have what we want now
• a generation that has difficulty waiting and making the effort to
persevere through hardships
• bombarded with the temptation to take the “easy way out”
c. Fear of Commitment
• celebration of diversity and relativism has led to a culture that
is in angst and afraid to make a commitment
• the message that we must always keep our options open
• difficulty making a commitment because of the fear that
something better may come along

2. Foundational principles of dating

a. Know ourselves as created in the image of God


• the “market economy” mentality has created the “Empty Self
Syndrome”
• the reality is, that “empty self” is truly a syndrome, in that we
all have a part of ourselves that has the potential to be empty
• when God created us, He made us in His image: Genesis 1:26-
27, which means that we all have a need and longing for God (crucial
longing)
• we were also created with the deep need for relationships with
others: Genesis 2:18 (critical longing)
• as well, we have a need for basic essentials, such as food,
clothing, shelter (common longing)
• however, the self becomes empty when we fill our crucial
longing for God with the wrong things, such as material possessions or
other relationships
b. Know ourselves in the light of where we came from
• our pasts deeply affect and shape who we are today
• in order to establish a healthy union with another individual, we
need to be aware of who we are
• be honest about ourselves – strengths, weaknesses, likes,
dislikes, goals, passions
• be honest about our issues

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• be reflective about our generational roots and family


background
• work on developing and bringing personal growth in our lives
and character

c. Know the importance of sexual purity


• be honest and open about sex – views about sex before
marriage, boundaries, accountability
• be reflective about our views about sex – are they biblically
grounded, or have they been tainted by society’s messages
• impact of sexual history on the current relationship

d. Know where God belongs in the relationship


• most of us begin our relationships with the right desire to keep
Christ in the center, yet as time progresses, there is the potential to
push Him to the periphery
• make intentional efforts to worship, meditate on His Word, and
pray together

3. The Journey of Courtship

a. Cover the journey in prayer

b. Testing the compatibility factor


• Spirituality compatibility
• Character compatibility
• Communicational compatibility
• Chemistry compatibility – mindful infatuation

c. The test of time


• to know if it is for real
• to confirm compatibility
• to receive affirmation from family and Christian friends

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PREPARING FOR SACRED MARRIAGE


HOW TO BUILD INTIMACY IN RELATIONSHIP
By: Joanne Jung

Understanding Sexuality and True Intimacy:

Popular Views:
I. Defined by Culture
• Media influence

• Religious influence

• Upbringing

II. Roles of Men and Woman


• Media influence

• Religious influence

• Upbringing

“Frame of Reference”

What is a “Frame of Reference”?

Example:
Based on the understanding of sexuality developed by high media influence.

casual, temporary, noncommittal, friendly,


recreational, immediate satisfaction, status,
glamorous, provocative, seductive, insatiable,
Victoria Secret commercials, Calvin Klein
underwear adds, “American Pie”, violence,
abuse, etc….

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Your Views:

What is your frame of reference?

Biblical View:

1. God designed man and woman to experience true


intimacy with one another. (Genesis 2:18-25)

a. Companionship/ Union of Soul and Soul


• “not good” v. 18
• “suitable helper” v. 18

God wanted Adam to realize that it is _____________for man to be alone.

• no suitable helper to be found v.20b


• woman out of man Vv.21-22

God wanted Adam to be prepared to ____________ the gift of woman.

b. Commitment/ Union of Body with Body

• “become one flesh” v.24


• institution of marriage

The first _______________ mentioned and the first mention of __________.

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Proverbs 5:15-21; Song of Solomon 7:9-13


• purpose for sex

God intends sex to be ______________________.

Deut. 24:5; 1Corinthians 7:2-5

Practical Steps for Preparation:

12 Steps for Courtship and Marriage by Desmond Morris:

1. Eye to Body
2. Eye to Eye
3. Voice to Voice
4. Hand to Hand
5. Hand to Shoulder
6. Hand to Waist
7. Face to Face
8. Hand to Head
The last four steps are distinctly sexual and private.
9. Hand to Body
10. Mouth to Breast
11. Touching Below the Waist
12. Intercourse

Warning Signs:
1. Addiction
2. Cohabitation
3. Abuse
4.
5.

Preventive Measures:
1. Prayer
2. Counseling
3. Accountability
4. Group dating, maintain healthy relationships w/ same sex friends
5. Avoid vacationing together
6. Screen movies, TV shows, etc.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Preparing for Sacred Marriage Joanne Jung 18


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SELFISH RELATIONSHIP VS. PURE RELATIONSHIP


Adopted from Sex, Dating, and Love, Ray E. Short, Augsburg, Minneapolis, 1994
Rate 0 to 10. Zero stands for very selfish, ten for very pure relationship:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
very selfish very pure
QUESTIONS SELFISH PURE Rt
TO ASK RELATIONSHI RELATIONSHIP
P
1. What is your main interest? Physical equipment Total personality
What attracts you most? Appeal to 5 senses What is in the body
2. How many things attract you? A few attraction Many or most

3. How did the relationship start? Fast (hours / days) Slowly (months/years)
4. How consistent is your level of Comes and goes Consistent
interest? Not predictable Predictable
5. What kinds of effects the Disorganizing Organizing
relationship has on your Destructive You are a better person
personality? Not yourself
6. How does it end? Fast unless there are Slowly; Takes long
some incentives (money, (You may never be quite
sex, rep) the same again)
7. How do you view each other? Live in a one-person Add the new dimension
Col.3:13-14 world, idealizing him or realistic, admitting faults,
forgiving and bearing her but loving
8. How do others view? Few or none approve of Most or all approve
What’s the attitude of friends and the relationship You get along well with
parents? friends and parents.
9. What does long separation do to Dies / Withers away Survives
the relationship? Can’t stand stress May even grow tall
10. How do quarrels affect the More frequent, more Grow less frequent, less
relationship? severe, and kill severe
11. How do you refer to your Little oneness Togetherness
relationship? I/Me/My, He/Him/His We/Us/Our
12. What’s your response? Mainly selfish; What does Concerned
this do for me? Mainly unselfish
13. What’s your overall attitude Taking, Use the other, Giving, Sharing, Want to
toward the other? Exploiting serve other’s needs
14. What is the effect of jealousy? More frequent Less frequent
More severe Less severe

Total Score: __________


0-50: ______________ 50-90: _____________ 90-130: _______________

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APPENDIX

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Why dating period is soooo sweet?


2. Predestination or Choice?
3. How about meeting a number of dates to choose?
4. How about finding someone through email or chatting?
5. Can man and woman be friends?
6. Why some ideal persons never move my heart?
7. Why odd couples sometimes?
8. How about getting married without much feelings?
9. Why most of the marriage lacks passion after awhile?
10. Why some people with difficult family background do well in marriage and
some don’t?
11. Seemingly innocent people abuse the spouse? Why?
12. Most of pastors get married within a very short period of time? Why not us?

Referrals

Fuller Psychological Family Services: (626) 584-5555


American Family Living: (714) 637-7900
(714) 810-9999
Christian Marriage and Family Ministries (CMFM): (626) 833-9744
New Life Clinics: (800) New-Life
Asian Pacific Counseling and Treatment Center: (213) 252-2100
(626) 287-2988
Asian Pacific Family Center: (626) 287-2988
Child Protective Services: (800) 422-4453
Asian American Drug Abuse Program: (323) 293-6284

Appendix 20
THE CHOICE OF YOUR LIFETIME SEMINAR

RECOMMENDED READING LIST

Dating
1. Boundaries in Dating, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
2. Finding the Love of Your Life, Neil Clark Warren
3. Dating, Sex & Friendship, Joyce Huggett
4. Choosing God’s Best, Don Rannikar
Marriage
1. The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
2. Building Your Mate’s Self-Exteem, Dennis and Barbara Rainey
3. The Gift of Sex, Clifford and Joyce Penner
4. Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
5. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, John Gray
6. Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts, Les and Leslie Parrott
Self-Discovery and Healing
1. Inside Out, Larry Crabb
2. The Roadless Traveled, Scott Peck
3. Boundaries, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
4. Healing for Damaged Emotions, David Seamands
5. The Art of Forgiving, Lewis B. Smedes
6. Hope Has Its Reasons, Rebecca Manly Pippert
Recovery
1. Where Is God When It Hurts, Philip Yancy
2. Disappointment with God, Philip Yancy
3. When God Doesn’t Make Sense, James Dobson
4. You Gotta Keep Dancing, Tim Hansel
5. Happiness Is A Choice, Frank Minirth and Paul Meier
6. An Affair of the Mind, Laurie Hall (about pornography)
7. Adult Children of Alcoholics, Expanded Edition, Janet G. Woititz
8. Calm My Anxious Heart, Linda Dillow
9. Understanding Depression, Siang-Yang Tan & John Ortberg, Jr.
10. Adrenalin and Stress, Archibald D. Hart

Appendix 21