Secrets of Lover's Relationships

Lovers For Life 2
Jard and Roberta DeVille http://www.fulfillmentforum.com

For The Learner

Some time ago we were leading a seminar for sexually sophisticated, exuberant and
articulate young couples from a local church when James, one of the husbands, said:

Nancy and I have long since learned how to insert Tab A into Slot B, so
we don't need a sex manual. We know all about adequate foreplay for
women, exotic positions, and multiple orgasms. We love our nights of
romance but we now must learn how to make our marriage worth keeping
together when we are not making love.

Emotionally healthy men and women almost always share their lives with lovers whose
happiness is crucial to their own fulfillment -- even if they failed to understand the
reciprocal nature of mutual satisfaction while they were young. In our youthful years we
may be so filled with such intense sexual desires that we forget it really does take two to
tango successfully for any length of time. If either lover feels deprived, the music soon
loses its ability to charm us. As we learn to love a person deeply, we want both to be
personally satisfied -- while also becoming a pleasing lover. Our sexual pleasure remains
second rate unless the lover becomes a full partner in the intimacy. Of course, some
neurotic persons use sex in a power play for ego benefits that have little to do with love.
We insist -- all psychospiritually healthy women and men want to please the sweetheart
with whom they share physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. Anything less is
selfishness -- is prima facia evidence that one is still an emotional adolescent, grasping
what he or she can in a short term relationship. Sexual selfishness and the potential for
abuse that follows is always the result of one's serious emotional and spiritual failures.

Despite the universal need for loving relationships, one marriage out of two fails, with a
major cause of divorce being serious sexual disappointment caused by some form of
narcissism -- satiation or some kind of neurotic power struggle within the relationship.
Many of the marriages which survive are such emotional and sexual disasters that the
partners are left with a terrible sense of disappointment about the entire affair. Actually,
comparatively few men and women actually remain lovers for life with the joy that a
sound relationship guarantees. It is obvious that many couples have not mastered the
attitudes, activities and relationships needed to make love permanent. We, Roberta and
Jard, realize that we have done pretty well -- we are still sharing our love for one other
and enjoying our erotic intimacy after half a century of love and marriage. We have
thought much about all this and have come to the delightful conclusion -- We are not yet
through! Despite all odds and some glaring mistakes along the way, we have managed to
remain lovers because we understand some key factors about relationships:

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WOMEN AND MEN REALLY NEED EACH OTHER FOR LOVE TO PROSPER.

SEXUAL INTIMACY AND PLEASURE IS A NORMAL STATE FOR ALL LOVERS.

SATISACTION INCREASES EXPONENTIALLY AS WE MATURE TOGETHER.

These are attainable ideals that unfortunately, because of narcissism and nihilism, can be
crippled enough to destroy relationships. However, since the need for love and intimacy
does not end with conflict and unhappiness -- even after separation and divorce, most
persons with failed marriages usually seek someone new with whom to share romance.
We have learned how vital it is to have a loving partner who cares deeply about us; who
eagerly and joyfully joins their body, mind and spirit to our own. Unfortunately, some
people continue looking for a perfect partner rather than learning how to become a better
lover. Nevertheless, most second marriages succeed well enough to be held together.
Couples, the second time around, usually have more realistic expectations and attitudes --
can abandon the youthful selfishness that comes between themselves and their lovers, and
accept the partial loaf of a sound relationship if not a grand romance..

Actually, many marriages fail because the institutions that are supposed to help men and
women live together without too much conflict, fail at their tasks. For example, many
people tell us that the church must accept a full share of the responsibility for the failure
of many relationships. Its emphasis on archaic rules, the condemnation of spontaneous
sexuality made possible through birth control, and reluctance to accept lovemaking as a
spiritual relationship in and of itself, long after science has separated sex from child
bearing, has been crippling to a great many marriages. Too many reactionary clergymen
have simply not come to grips with the realities of life and love since neurotic medieval
myths and superstitions about sexuality were accepted as basic religious morality.

Even today in most reactionary religious denominations, morality is connected almost
entirely to sexuality. In much of the right wing church you can engage in virtually any
kind of racism or sexism -- condemning minorities and manipulating women -- so long as
you profess to have been born again and don't commit adultery with your neighbor's child
or spouse. Or at least don't get caught committing adultery! We find that not only a
simplistic view of spirituality but really a mockery of faith hope and love within the
Judaeo/Christian and the Islamic traditions.

Our educational institutions have done just as poorly, for they frequently teach sexual
mechanics and techniques while ignoring the need for spiritual love which is vital to
keeping a relationship alive and well, filled with sexual satisfaction and make the sweet-
hearts mutually supportive over the years. Few of the sex classes we see go beyond
simply teaching how to be sexually effective, how as James said, to insert tab A into slot
B. Now, with most of the emphasis on how to have a glorious orgasm (or half a dozen of
them), it's as though love, acceptance and mutual support have become sexual taboos.
Not enough attention is paid to those things that make intimacy satisfying throughout life,
to keep one's relationship permanent. The vast majority of sexual self-help books have
failed to make this vital point clear since they are often based on several distorted
assumptions about life and love. Usually missing from such books is the understanding
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that humans are always subjective beings with deep spiritual needs that must be satisfied
or else life turns sour. Life must become meaningful rather than just successful if we
hope to live with satisfaction. Our needs and motivates go beyond the physical and
psychological levels of personality to the philosophical. As a result, many books that
don't consider the psychospiritual aspects of life fail to help the users all that much.

LOVERS FOR LIFE is based on the principle of partnership and mutual acceptance.
We simply cannot find lasting satisfaction except in honest partnership. It is also based
on the belief that we all need to live with spiritual values, positive attitudes, high
expectations, mature beliefs and responsible choices. Of course, few couples begin this
way -- we must learn how to survive together while we mature as real persons. The myth
that men and women are so different that misunderstanding and conflict are inevitable is
just that -- a myth. Conflicts arise when we relate as lovers from the immature or neurotic
needs of adolescence, when we fail to understand personality patterns, when we are
pushed from our comfort zones, and when we behave in selfish ways that cause
resentment. Then lovers become adversaries who are struggling to win power, prestige
pleasure and possessions without regard for the other person's needs. Dissatisfying
lovemaking virtually always occurs because one or both of the lovers is behaving
narcissistically.

Because sexuality and love-making is so compelling in and of itself -- so important to
normal, unrepressed women and men, we sometimes fail to realize that our sexual
satisfaction is always the result of having a mutually supportive relationship rather than
the cause of a good marriage. Because of the prominence of the pleasure principle, many
people still put that cart before the horse. Many and many a person in counseling tells us
that they cannot understand why they are having so many problems when the sex is still
good. Of course it is -- it is the only thing still holding them together -- with so many
other problems both are determined to make something work well. We find that fearful
women who remain with brutal, battering men often engage in wild lovemaking with
their cruel abusers, doing everything the men want, trying to make something satisfying
in the relationship. But it isn't a mutual connection -- such a man is very much the tyrant
she is frantically trying to please in the only way she can win intimacy with him. This
seldom lasts long when everything else good has collapsed. And unless a woman feels
trapped, unable to take care of herself, with no one to turn to for deliverance, many
women soon decide that sexual satisfaction purchased at such a price is too expensive in
the scheme of life. They move on.

Others make the same mistake our sexually frustrated and often neurotic Victorian
ancestors did as they tried hard to turn love into a sexless, platonic relationship. No one
personifies this more clearly than Mother Lee and the Shaker sect of Christians who came
out of England during the Victorian era. We understand why this happened and why
groups like the Shakers became celibate; the men and women living within the same
colonies but in separate dorms and never making love. Sexual diseases were rampant in
Victorian England and America at the time. About one person in five had a serious
venereal disease at the time of our Civil War and there were no cures. The young
Confederate general A P Hill contacted gonorrhea as a West Point cadet and suffered
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with it the rest of his life until he died in his late thirties. In addition, they had no reliable
birth control methods so many wives were pregnant almost all the time. Married women
were baby making machines and every major religious denomination in England and
America in 1900 still insisted that birth control was a sin against God and humanity.
They churches confused social traditions with spirituality as they always do. Birth
control was forbidden because the society needed a constant flow of strong, young
persons to do all the scut work needed to keep life running smoothly. As late as 1900,
each childbirth was a trip down into the valley of the shadow of death for every woman.
Her possible death was an acceptable trade-off with the need for more workers for the
farms and companies of the time. Childbed fever due to contaminated bed clothing was
so virulent that most women had their wills written before giving birth.

Roberta's maternal grandfather, an undeniably devout Methodist preacher, had seven
children with his first wife before she died at the final birth and then had twelve more
kids with his second wife before she also died in childbirth. Women had no rights --
they could not refuse their randy husbands access to their bodies even if another
pregnancy would kill her. Their marriage dowry was given to their husbands, they could
seldom work outside the home and if they did, the law required them to surrender their
earnings to their husbands every payday. Actually, they were cattle as Abigail Smith
Adams wrote and wrote again to her husband Samuel Adams when he was helping form
the United States government. She urged him over and over to give women some civil
rights but he was unable to persuade the southern contingent of politicians to treat women
fairly and it took more than a hundred years for women to gain the vote and some simple
rights to manage their own lives. With disease and death the common outcome of a
sexual relationship, and with a complete loss of freedom from entering into a marriage,
Roberta says she can certainly understand why Mother Lee founded her Shaker colonies
so women could care for themselves -- by themselves -- and with the celibate
companionship of those men who were willing to treat them decently. Of course, Jard
also understands why the Shakers prospered during that period and failed when women
won some freedoms, learned to plan their babies and could avoid venereal disease
through modern medicines. The lives of women became so much better during the 20th
century that few needed to abandon marriage and children in order to become real
persons. Thus the Shaker colonies vanished as society changed drastically.

Men and women who have lovingly committed their lives to each other have every
physical, psychological and spiritual reason to develop deeply satisfying sexual relations
as a positive aspect of life. Each of us needs a loving soul with whom to share the many
responsibilities and rewards of life, to labor with during the day and to fill the nights with
the magic of a passion that doesn't fade but becomes more mature and fulfilling as we
enfold one another with kisses and caresses We believe that anyone who teaches
otherwise, who wants to limit a couple's sexuality to conception, whether in the church
or out, is emotionally crippled and wants others to suffer with him rather than mature in
the physical aspects of love.

Fortunately, even a when person has been crippled and confused by religious, parental or
cultural myths about the role sexual relationships play in life, human resilience is so
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great that he or she can learn how to live a purposeful life, one leading to happiness and
permanence in relationships. No one is doomed to unhappiness in a partnership unless he
or she accepts someone's manipulation of himself. Ridding oneself of misguided
symptoms and selfish behavior can help pave the way toward maturity and fulfillment.

We, Roberta and Jard -- have lived together for almost half a century. We reared three
kids and even our grandkids have kids now and we still love each other dearly. We
would like to be able to report to you that we had a storybook romance and marriage: We
would like to, but alas, we cannot. To start with, Roberta certainly did not get a Prince
Charming in Jard. He is a stubborn, willful man who has gone through life doing
precisely what he wanted to do. Of course, Roberta wasn't a Fairy Princess -- at times the
sparks flew. They still do! But, we started life even, both having naive attitudes about
living together. She assumed Jard would be like her father, and he thought Roberta
would be like his mother. Don't all young couples make that mistake? We soon learned
how wrong that was but above all we shared a strong religious faith that helped us!

At one time we were even like two veteran riflemen in combat. One soldier was from the
Louisiana marsh country while the other was from the mountains of Colorado. They had
little in common but survival, they didn't understand each other, and they would not have
even known each other but for the fact that they were drafted into the Army at the same
time. However, they have saved each other's life so often that each has forgotten how to
survive without the partner. One kicks in the door and the other throws in the grenade.
Without a great deal of deliberation!

We have even moved past that and now are fairly tolerant and understanding. The
repeated grinding of two dominant personalities, although it created friction and sparks
on many occasions, has abraded a pretty good fit to our marriage. Sexual pleasure and
psychospiritual intimacy are still vital parts of our ivies, and we recommend them highly
to everyone (although we realize that sexual satisfaction can exist only as a part of our
total relationship). We are fortunate that we have kept our sexual relationship alive and
deeply satisfying -- despite the myth that sex is for the young. I suppose many in the
reactionary church who would limit sex to conception and childbirth consider us a dirty
old couple -- but you can imagine how little time we spend worrying about their
neuroticism! Love is a constant source of rejuvenation for our life together.

In this LOVERS FOR LIFE course we have included projects and processes for your use.
They have proved very valuable for us and for couples in our seminars. In the beginning,
using them may make you feel as awkward as giving a speech or singing a solo for the
first time. They will become familiar with use, however, and will help you develop a
mutually supportive partnership that remains pleasurable and permanent. Use them well
to strengthen you mutual concern and self-transcendence; for they are tools with which to
build greater understanding. Even if boredom and desperation have set in, these methods
have the power to revitalize a relationship and make it worth keeping -- even when you
are not making love at the time. May God bless your attempts to grow toward happiness
and fulfillment, for all of life!

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Complete the sample Self-Focus exercise shown below. Discuss the answer if you are in
a group that is studying this course -- or write out your answer if you are studying it
alone. Write two or three sentences and then go on. That will help you think situations
through for yourself.

Sample Self-Focus

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE OUR VICTORIAN ANCESTORS WERE SO
DETERMINED TO KEEP WOMEN SUBSERVIENT TO MEN -- EVEN TO THOSE
WHO WERE ABUSIVE AND SOMETIMES MURDEROUS?

WHY DO YOU THINK MANY MEN STILL ASSUME THAT THEY OWN THE WOMEN
IN THEIR LIVES -- THAT IF THEY CANNOT CONTROL A WOMAN, THEN NO
OTHER MAN CAN HAVE HER?

SAMPLE PROJECT Basic Assumptions
Discuss with a friend or write a short paragraph or two or three sentences on what the
following could mean to you.

MEN AND WOMEN REALLY DO NEED EACH OTHER FOR LOVE TO PROSPER.

SEXUAL PLEASURE AND SATISFACTION IS A SOUND ASPECT OF LOVE.

ONLY BY MATURING TOGETHER CAN LOVE BECOME DEEPLY FULFILLING.

We wish you the very best as you make your life meaningful and fill it with love.

Roberta and Jard DeVille

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For The Learner
Introduction

1. MEANING LOVERS NEED - Page 18
A great many women and men feel that life is meaningless, that others are passing them
by, because they are living a purposeless and secular life style.

In this unit you shall discover the necessity of opening channels of meaning for life to
be consistently filled with love.

Self-Focus 1 2 3 4 5 Project 1 2

2. FAITH LOVERS SHARE - Page 36
Faith, hope and love are necessary for a loving relationship to become permanent and
deeply satisfying.

In this unit you shall learn how to deal with The Atheist's Enigma, to find satisfaction
through a Contrite Spirit and how to live in a state of consistent development.

Self-Focus 6 7 8 Project 3

3. CHANGES LOVERS FACE - Page 44
We live in an age of constant change in which a great many women and men become
confused and frightened by having to cope with new situations and relationships.

In this unit you will learn how to cope with constant shifts in attitudes, expectations
and relationships.

Self-Focus 9 10 11

4. SECRETS OF LOVER'S RELATIONSHIPS - Page 60
A person who understands the primary personality patterns will be much better able to
cope with and better influence his or her lover.

In this unit you will learn to identify personality patterns and to deal successfully with
psychological attitudes and emotional expectations.

Self-Focus 12 13 Personality Patterns 67 Project 4 5

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5. CONFLICTS LOVERS CONTROL - Page 81
Because we are the quarrelsome species, few couples live together without disagreements
and conflicts.

In this unit you will learn how to avoid conflicts through the Three Stage Conflict
Avoidance Process and to control them with the ASRAC Process.

Self-Focus 14 15 Project 6 7

6. SUPPORT LOVERS GIVE - Page 95
No one can live alone, without the supportive love and friendship that all humans need
for their lives to become fulfilling and satisfying.

In the unit you shall learn how support works, how to use symbolic support and to
use both unconditional and conditional support of one's lover.

Self-Focus 16 17 Project

7. ADJUSTMENTS LOVERS LEARN - Page 109
All lovers must share the responsibilities and rewards of life to keep the partner from
being used and abused in the relationship.

You will learn how to make subliminal and obvious trades-offs in order to compromise
and to win consistently with satisfying sexual tradeoffs.

Self-Focus 18 19 20 Project 8 9

8. MOODS LOVERS HAVE - Page 125
All lovers are tempted to play psychological games that support one's ego at the expense
of the partner's satisfaction.

In this unit you shall learn why cruel set-up operations are used and how they destroy
love until the lovers become mutually supportive.

Self-Focus 21 22 Project 9 10 11

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9. GAME PLANS LOVERS FOLLOW - Page 139
The powers of expectations are so strong that virtually every person establishes a game
plan to follow in a marriage or a relationship.

In this unit, you will learn how to avoid destructive game plans and to develop key
game plans that lead to consistently high expectations.

Self-Focus 23 24 25 26 27 Project 12 13

10. GENDER ROLES LOVERS PLAY - Page153
Each person comes to love and sex with expectations that can be positive or negative,
conscious or unconscious.

In this unit you shall learn to identify several common destroyers of love and to
compensate with mutually satisfying attitudes and activities.

Self-Focus 28 29 30 Project 14

11. CONTRACTS LOVERS NEED - Page 166
If conflicts have been a problem in a marriage, the couple can develop mutually
agreeable contracts that spell out their rewards.

In this unit you will learn how to offer due consideration, use free negotiation and
make legitimate agreements that please both lovers.

Self-Focus 31 32 Project 15 16 17

12. LIVES LOVERS SHARE - Page 178
Lovers must mature beyond self-defeating love-themes that destroy relationships.

In this unit the participant shall learn how to develop and apply satisfying love themes
and use them to make life deeply satisfying.

Self-Focus 33 Project 18

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YOU REALLY MUST READ THIS
TO UNDERSTAND SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS

We, Roberta and Jard come to you with values that in our case are distinctly spiritual.
And while this isn't a religion course but a marriage enhancing program, there is no way
we can conceal our faith without compromising our message. Indeed, we cannot ignore
our covenant connection with the Lord of the Cosmos. We sincerely believe that God is
the source of all love and while love obviously existed for women and men many
millennia before Jesus' great spiritual revelation, Christ's mission was to most clearly
reveal God's love for humans. His love was our great example; we feel that Jesus'
sacrificial act was the greatest display of love ever revealed by a person. In a very special
way it opened the door for God's love to enter more fully into this world of women and
men who carry within their spirits, bodies and minds the capacity for becoming lovers for
life. In fact, Jard has been instrumental in developing two programs, one for ministers
and another for lay persons that applies practically faith, hope and love in one of the
world's fastest growing Christian denominations. These two programs have been
instrumental in helping lead some two million African, Latino, European and Asian men
and women into a covenant relationship with the God of the Cosmos. And God alone
knows where this shall go in the next decade. Because moving toward spiritual maturity
means so much to us, Jard feels that contribution to faith is his most valuable contribution
to society.

Having said that, we must also tell you that we reject the failures of Christianity, Islam
and Judaism that enforce sexist neuroticism, cruel traditions and immature ideologies on
their women and then claim their crippling psychopathies are God's will for everyone.
God wants no such thing -- but what really angers us about such reactionary pretension is
it's hypocrisy. As researchers, counselors and teachers, we know all too well that the
fundamental power freaks who want to dominate your spirituality have the same sexual
yearnings as the rest of us. Need we go beyond Jim Bakker who was long seducing his
beautiful young secretary and James Swaggert who paid prostitutes to let him watch them
masturbating while he did the same! Consider the heavy penalties some Catholic
dioceses are paying because their priests seduced trusting boys and girls. Can anyone
really believe that their life-long celibacy had nothing to do with the disasters that
followed?

Human sexuality is God's great psychospiritual gift to loving women and men who
mature beyond narcissism and selfishness, who open their arms and hearts to each other
as lovers for life. Unfortunately, sexuality is also the weapon of choice that is used by
twisted and wicked psychopaths who fear and hate all women, especially those they
cannot control. Sexuality is completely normal and spiritual and the more some fearful
radicals condemn enthusiastic lovemaking, except to produce children for the church, the
more good psychotherapists see their wicked defense mechanisms. Many do indeed
protest far too much.

Of course we believe that God's ideal is one of commitment and love --
reflected by chastity before marriage and monogamy within a permanent
relationship.
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We have found in our research that the greatest problems faced by women and men are
caused by the fact we are spiritual beings with a great capacity for love and self-sacrifice,
woven into a primitive homosapien nature hobbled with narcissism and also capable of
great rage, violence and selfishness.

If, as the connectional covenant denominations teach, humans are called by God to serve
one another in love, a great many of us fail in our selfish attitudes and choices. The
strengths and shortcomings of human love is revealed in our attitudes, expectations,
beliefs and choices. Actually there is much more to each person than these bodies that
can bring us such enchanting relationships when joined with a lover. Obviously, our
bodies are vital to happiness. What we do with them is crucial to our happiness. The way
our bodies evolved through the long eons is important to us. What we think about them
and how we use them is critical and how we express our love is especially vital to our
contentment. Men and women are mirror image souls who need one another for
fulfillment -- for intimate caresses through the long nights of winter, for the yin and yang
of masculine and feminine strengths, for perpetuating ourselves immortally through our
children. Our precious bodies fit together so well that Jesus called lovemaking becoming
one flesh -- as indeed it does in many different ways during loving sexual relationships
when two otherwise barren persons join to create the miracle of new life. Of course,
perceptive women and men have always been filled with awe by the miracle of
conception and birth. The creation of life is indeed almost beyond comprehension to
most of us -- so much so that every society and religion has surrounded the birth of
children with many myths, traditions and ideologies to explain that which was difficult
for them to understand. Virtually every society has, as Sigmund Freud wrote so
perceptively, developed a great deal of squeamishness, anxiety and neuroticism about its
sexuality. There is something about lovemaking that both fascinates and terrifies a great
many persons and leads to major frustrations and perversions that many unfortunate
people never overcome. Some of those fearful souls become clergy or theologians who
ponder what God wants from us -- and reach answers according to their unconscious
needs and conscious justifications.

For example, some clergy of the medieval church internalized into its theology and
traditions a twisted hatred of women and disgust with their own shame caused by having
sexual needs. Around the year 1000 a flock of psychopathic theologians and bishops
were so threatened by women that they banned them from every aspect of leadership and
public worship. In their quest for congregations that paid and prayed and obeyed -- they
drowned and butchered and burned at the stake thousands of women whom they insisted
had become witches by fornicating with Satan. The Devil must have been very busy,
must never have taken a night off as he bounced from bed to bed of women eager to
doom their souls to eternal punishment in return for a quick lay with the master demon!

Certain pretty women must obviously be witches, the neurotic priests reasoned, for they
would walk by and smile and the men would be sexually aroused by the way their breasts
and buttocks moved. Such lust couldn't possibly come from within themselves, they
assumed -- they were priests, they were holy and sanctified servants of God! Such sinful
feelings had been overcome by the Holy Spirit when a man took his holy orders! They
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rationalized that their lust had to come from the outside, as spells cast on them by the
satanic witches who were seeking to seduce men in order to drag their souls to hell with
themselves. Better slay such evil women as quickly as possible rather than to risk one's
own salvation. The Medieval church, with all its fears and frustrations, fell to the
slaughter with an eager will. We shudder to think how many friendly, compassionate
women of grace and beauty were murdered to justify the psychopathy of neurotic men
with the power of life and death over their parishes.

Unless, of course, you actually believe Satan still sleeps with women in
order to turn them into witches who are then recruited to damn holy men
of the cloth to the flames of hell.

The European Church, during the medieval madness, quickly decided that sexuality itself
was the unmitigated evil. It was fraught with terrible dangers for priests trying hard to
renounce an almost irresistible drive. Sex had to be evil, they reasoned, because it caused
great temptation for a celibate clergy who suffered the torments of the damned by
remaining sexless and pure. It made no difference that the Medieval church was a
thousand years late coming to this sexist theological position. Actually, most Christian
clergymen had been married, as in the Jewish tradition, for ten centuries before the
neurotic theologians seized control of the church. These were the priests who hated
women and twisted theology to meet their neurotic needs. They taught a psychopathy
that lasts into our era as women are still limited to second class spirituality by the
fundamental branches of the church. The Roman Catholic, the Eastern Orthodox and the
American Right Wing Fundamental denominations remain trapped by their sexist
theology and haven't a clue about escaping a thousand year old fear of women and their
disgusting and yet fascinating bodies. Everyone in the Vatican Curia, the Orthodox
Hierarchy and the Southern Baptist Convention will deny this vehemently, will find
dozens of rationalizations to explain their repression of women, but it looms like a great
dark medieval cloud behind every decision to devalue them. Women are condemned to
second class citizenship by fundamentalist men of all religions, Roberta says, because
they have no penis and little testosterone!

The psychopaths rationalized that God distrusted women as the carriers of sexuality as
much as they themselves did. Haven't religious reactionaries always confused their own
fears with God's will? Didn't Jerry Falwell and Bob Jones spend the first fifty years of
their lives insisting that God had made black Christians inferior to white Christians and
thus must be segregated lest the pure white race be contaminated by black evil? Sexual
intercourse was seen as a weakness caused by the sin of Adam and Eve. Since the
Medieval period much of the church has taught that sexual intercourse was the forbidden
fruit that caused alienation from God in the Garden of Eden and insured our inevitable
death as punishment for their sin. What a monster this makes God -- what a perversion of
love. It was as if God was saying;

I gave humans a hunger for joyous sexuality and a yearning for love and
then forbid them from satisfying this powerful drive. I created this clever
double bind as a means of testing their obedience to my commands.
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Great problems arose -- the neurotic bishops couldnt monitor every bed -- they learned
in the confessional that the peasants were still weak -- confessing their sins of the flesh,
accepting their penance and going right back to the marriage bed. Since something must
be done, they decided that God and themselves who spoke for him, could bring himself to
tolerate sex but only if it included the possibility of conception. They had to allow some
sex for obviously, the prohibition of sex couldn't be complete or else the human race
would vanish in one generation. God still hated sex and distrusted women who carried
sexuality in their bodies, but he would allow it as a concession to human weakness. After
all, not everyone could be as holy and as chaste as God's priests. Especially not women.

Women are still devalued and debased; condemned to second class citizenship as not one
woman in the huge Catholic and Orthodox movements has been admitted to priestly
leadership. The Southern Baptist Convention of some fifty thousand American
congregations automatically cast out each of the sixty odd churches that recently defied
the Conventions order against ordaining women preachers. In contrast, we are pleased
that our own denomination is now ordaining as many women as men. In fact, our church
has become a refuge for the best and brightest young women from the reactionary groups.
We get their best for we will ordain and hire them and set them out doing Gods work.
Even some of our bishops are women which drives many reactionary clergy-men wild
when they must work with them on community issues. One of Roberta's friends is a
pastor in a farming community in Northern Iowa. She has met with the ministerial
association during their monthly sessions for four years and not once in those meetings
has the Missouri Synod Lutheran and Southern Baptist pastors, the most reactionary
groups in the community, spoken to her or made eye contact during the meetings. The
men behave as if she has leprosy, really wanting women barefoot and pregnant and
subservient to their lords and masters -- to holy men. The pastors squirm restlessly when
she speaks to the association -- for they really do believe God distrusts and despises
women who discuss the issues of life and faith as equals with men. The messy issue of
sexuality and menstruation and all such female idiosyncrasies are seen as the result of the
Fall of Eve and Adam and thus they must be controlled by clear thinking men whether as
autocratic husbands or as pastors who manage the women of their congregations without
fear or favor. Do you have any difficulty understanding why such preachers never have
women who pilot space shuttles, chair U. S. Senate committees, manage huge
corporations or serve former president Clinton as his Secretary Of State worship in their
churches?

It is unthinkable to such reactionary men that a woman would serve communion from the
altar while menstruating -- which they still see literally as God's curse on Eve for
discovering her sexuality and seducing Adam. These are the spiritual descendants of the
early twentieth century physicians, theologians and pastors who insisted that only
prostitutes enjoyed sex. Good Christian women, the men said, felt nothing during the sex
act and made love only to please their husbands and to have children. Such men were so
terrified over sex they must never have asked their wives anything important. That or
they were simply deceiving themselves as so many self-righteous manipulators and
abusers do.

Lovers For Life 15
Thus, as it always happens, the nature of Christ's revelation of love for women as well as
men has been distorted and debased by a narcissistic male aristocracy within the church
and through each secular society. From the very beginning of the Christian era, men with
religious and political power immediately began shaping the church and its theology to
meet their own needs. When the rich estate owners needed farm workers to plow the
fields and harvest the crops, the church soon agreed and began teaching that human
sexuality was legitimate only if we paid the piper with a new child to work the
aristocracy's estates. When slave trading and owning was a common abuse of black
humans, the clergy of Dixie fell right into line with the slave traders and owners. There
was hardly a single group within Colonial America that didn't profit from the slave trade
so, of course, expedient preachers in fundamentalist churches had to bless and justify the
wretched business. The reactionary church still blesses every war that secular rulers
begin and always send their young men to kill other young men and to die horrible deaths
to defend Christianity. For fifty years the church -- Catholic, Orthodox and Fundamental
Protestant, taught that the Cold War was a struggle between God and Satan. Of course, it
was really a desperate struggle between two great financial, political and industrial
systems for dominance across the world. Every intelligent person sees that now -- but the
reactionary church for reasons of its own soon turned the Cold War into a great spiritual
crusade being fought by God's holy people. Actually, both Roberta and Jard have trouble
seeing Chase Manhattan and Wells-Fargo -- or General Motors and Standard Oil as great
spiritual entities doing God's work for humankind!

We both are covenant Christians but never Victorian prudes for whom any departure
from radical assumptions is an adequate reason for punishment -- preferably a public
flogging -- from self-righteous and reactionary pulpits across the land. We, ourselves
have had rollicking sex lives for half a century and recommend it most highly. We don't
care -- let the hypocritical and primitive blue noses call us a dirty old couple for enjoying
our love, we have an even lower opinion of their sexual neuroticism. Of course we
wouldn't have titled this LOVERS FOR LIFE had we not believed that God's ideal for
each couple is a permanent union that matures from youth through all of life and on to the
elderly years with even greater love. We believe that sexual love and our reproductive
capacity are spiritual gifts that are best shared with one very special person within a life-
long commitment. We understand and accept that for many reasons marriages fail and
both men and women move on, doing the best they can to settle into a new relationship
that offers them the love and satisfaction each person deserves. It is total lunacy for any
neurotic bully within the church to teach that a pair of kids must remain lonely, loveless
and celibate for the next fifty years because they made an unfortunate marriage when
twenty or twenty-two years of age. God has never limited us to one roll of the dice at
love that is blessed by the church -- and even if we mature along the way, must live a
loveless life forever after. That truly is psychopathy disguised as spirituality regardless
of how well concealed by a medieval sexist theology.

We accept that this psychosexual union most persons crave should be open to new life; is
most satisfying with children, grandchildren and in our case, with great-grandkids! But
we really didn't want to be over blessed with offspring every time we shared sexual
pleasure in the past half century! To satisfy our curiosity we once calculated that there
Lovers For Life 16
have been some 5,000 times one of us has reached for the other with carnal intent and
ended up sleeping in one another's arms, deeply contented, both going off to work the
next morning with a smile on our faces and a song on our lips. Jard had no intention of
keeping Roberta barefoot and pregnant all our lives and she would likely have strangled
him had he tried! We are convinced -- the religious assumption that any expression of
sexuality that blocks conception is an affront to God and the church -- is pure neuroticism
from the sick minds of those Medieval scholars who corrupted the church's beliefs about
sexuality during the Dark Ages of Europe. We understand how difficult it is for
fundamental and orthodox clergy to accept women as equals without ripping its theology,
methodology and traditions out by the roots. Much of the church is trapped by its ancient
view of women and sexuality. The unyielding posture of the Vatican in opposing the
needs of homosexual persons is part and parcel with its fear and devaluation of women.
Accepting homosexuals -- whether male or female would be a tacit admission that sex
without conception is legitimate and that the Curia can never do. One Catholic
philosopher we know recently wrote about sexuality -- including homosexuality and
contraception.

We all long to hear that our sexual disorders are not really disorders, that
the simple yearning to be righteous makes it so. That would quickly
eliminate the struggle to mature spiritually from our lives. But to do that
would mean that our souls were not to be taken seriously -- that the
revelation of Christ doesn't lead to better lives. The church cannot accept
this -- not even in the name of compassion for those who are in error. No
good is served when we abandon the old Truths about the role of
conception in lovemaking, of love bringing about the creation of new life
to glorify God.

To which we add that we cannot see that a woman who brings twelve to fourteen
children, into an often hungry world before she dies during her last childbirth, is
glorifying God. His rationalization expressed the theologians sexist views lingering
from the Medieval Era. To which Jard adds:

No good is served if we internalize Medieval psychopathy into 21st
century theology and demand that couples obey a clutch of sexually
frustrated old men who pretend God lets them make the rules governing
our sexuality without ever playing the game! Great family disasters are
formed when theologians insist that women are little if anything more than
brood-mares to their men and the church.

Actually, the Catholic Churchs position about celibacy for the clergy is enforced only
among European, North American and Asian priests. The point is totally moot across the
southern hemisphere, because the vast majority of Latin American and African priests are
either married with families or in permanent relationships with mistresses and the
children they conceive together. Both the Pope and the Curia have lost that battle and
they pragmatically tolerate it. They must, for their entire program would collapse should
they enforce the rules -- the priests would leave their parishes to care for their families.
Lovers For Life 17
Somehow we cannot see the sexually reactionary portion of the church changing much of
anything without a revolution by religious women who demand equality in which they
are truly valued as first class persons. Women cannot force the reactionary primitives to
ordain them -- in every reactionary group the old boys control the machinery, but more
than ninety-six percent of English speaking Catholic couples of child bearing age use
contraception to space their pregnancies. The intelligent and educated women of the West
-- through Europe, America, Canada and Australasia have opted out of producing floods
of ragged kids they can neither feed nor educate, to work in the fields for the nobles and
to fight the aristocracy's wars. They have sense enough to know that playing Vatican
Roulette condemns themselves to perpetual baby making and poverty rather than
enjoying satisfying lives of their own. That is, assuming one hasn't been abandoned by a
macho husband who has run away to San Francisco to find himself, after giving her six
children in seven years to support without any earning skills.

The assumption that a woman should be a full time housewife and mother comes from an
age without technology, without canned or frozen foods and swift transportation. It isn't
from a time with water and power in each home and useful equipment of every kind. It
was based on the fact that if she was pregnant all the time and the labor of rearing the
mob of kids unceasing, she must be there night and day to care for them. However, if
you no longer run down and butcher your pigs and chickens, chop the firewood and grow
the grain used in baking bread in the wood stove; if your home is heated without tossing
logs into the fireplace and hauling the ashes out, if you no longer go to the creek to haul
your bath water or shear sheep and card, spin and weave wool to fashion clothes for your
children -- you need feel no guilt from abandoning the ideologies of your great
grandparents! Remember, those preachers, priests and primitive politicians, who have
vested emotional interests in defining your sexuality in an age when that makes no sense,
have their own hidden agendas that seldom meet your needs.

Lovers For Life 18
SECRETS OF LOVER'S RELATIONSHIPS

All men and women relate to each other from their values, attitudes, expectations, beliefs.
and choices. These all influence us but most obviously, we interact with everyone from
our personality patterns that are formed in childhood. And like our values, attitudes and
so forth, our life-long patterns are much more obvious to the persons around us than to
we ourselves. While each person can readily see the idiosyncrasies others use, he or she
is much less likely to recognize what his or her own pattern includes. Very few people
are objective enough to recognize how they appear to others, although our consistency
remains virtually unchanged throughout life.

For example, think of a party you attended at which ten or twelve people you knew were
interacting without any tension. You knew that Uncle Joe was going to be the practical
joker -- as he has been for the thirty years you have known him. And Aunt Louise was
going to be the helpful lady who kept the punchbowl filled and the cookies moving
around. Aunt Ellen, Uncle Joe's wife of many years would still be the long suffering
spouse who still wishes he would tone down his jokes and anecdotes. And so it goes with
all of us for we all develop in childhood the patterns through which we relate to others.
Each person's way of acting toward others is so consistent that we automatically expect it
to continue. If Uncle Joe sat morosely in a corner rather than working the room with his
jokes, we'd wonder whether he was ill. The same would be true of Aunt Louise. This
concept of patterns is so important that we shall ask you to study them carefully. Jard has
used his PERSONALITY PATTERN PREDICTOR with hundreds of thousands of women
and men in a great many organizations from church groups to international business
corporations. Learning about patterns can be extremely valuable in deciding how to
better relate to those with whom you must interact.

It should be obvious that neither God nor nature has stamped men and women out
identically with a cookie cutter. Not only do we come in assorted sizes, shapes and
colors, from slender Asian fisher folk to bulky American football linemen, we also have
highly individual mind-sets, attitudes and personality patterns. Scholars have known
from Aristotle's time in the Golden Age of Greece -- through Swiss psychotherapist Carl
Jung, to American industrial psychologist David Merrill, that each person has a dominant
social style or behavioral pattern within which he or she interacts with others. And while
weve drawn from these and other sources, it was my research that was published in
Jards best-selling book NICE GUYS FINISH FIRST and in such follow-up books as
PSYCHOLOGY OF LEADERSHIP and THE PASTORS HANDBOOK ON
INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS. We took the concept of patterns to the next level and it
seemed appropriate to develop share the information with you.

Your pattern affects the way you work and play, love and learn and worship and
persevere through life. It determines the direction your relationships move. Of course,
patterns have very little to do with ambition, courage, values or personal commitment.
Nevertheless, understanding them is vital to successfully managing relationships. Your
Lovers For Life 19
pattern is so valuable in understanding yourself in your search for fulfillment that I've
included it in the various seminars of the Fulfillment series. Much of what we teach
builds on the way you perceive life and the manner through which you interact with other
people.

PATTERN FORMATION

Your personality pattern develops very early in life from your inherited traits,
environmental experiences and crucial choices about life and your place in it. Our
equation for patterns is this:

PERSONALITY PATTERN = f (Genetic Traits x Environmental Experiences x Crucial Choices)

In other words, you automatically and unconsciously multiply all you inherited from all
your ancestors by the meaningful environmental experiences you had. And you then
multiply that by the crucial decisions you made about life and your place in it. Because of
this highly individualized process during early childhood, one person who has a pattern
that is (H-11 x E-25 x C-17) will be considerably different from one that is (H-19 x E-
31 x C-14). The two individuals developed along different lines and there is nothing
anyone can do about it without causing them great harm. Nor should they try, for each of
the four patterns is completely normal and just as good as the other three. For example, at
the age of three years my oldest granddaughter was fast acting, outspoken and in
command of her relationships. Now as a mother of several children, she still is. My
second grandchild was a tumbling, laughing clown who performed amazing feats of
showmanship on his tricycle. He still does on his motorcycle although he seems to fall
less often now. Several more grandchildren and great grandchildren have come into our
family circle and each one is an individual with specific strengths and skills. There are no
cookie cutter people -- this is the way humans are and I've never seen anyone
fundamentally change his or her pattern except because of great stress over a long period
of time. Through years of research, I've learned that humans interact through two trends.

FIRST -- each person follows what psychologists call the Fight or Flight tendency. In
dangerous or stressful situations we survive by attacking the source of our frustration or
we survive by fleeing from danger. This dual approach to survival originated when we
were a frail, clawless little species on an African savannah dominated by larger, stronger
and faster creatures. After all, if you attacked and killed the saber-tooth tiger down by
the water hole with a sharp bamboo spear, you and your genes survived for another day.
And if you out-sprinted it to find safety in the cave, you also survived to pass your genes
plus the Flight or Fight tendencies on to your offspring. Today, we normally Cooperate
or Compete in our interpersonal relationships -- we tend to ask others about important
things or we tend to tell. The trend looks like this with the following percentages in each
category.
Cooperate 16.616.616.616.616.616.6 Compete
Lovers For Life 20

Cooperative people tend to appear thoughtful of others, needing time to consider choices
before making decisions and willing to negotiate their Win//Win relationships.
Competitive persons appear more direct and to the point, swift to make decisions and
dedicated to getting things done on time even if relationships suffer. We are still
speaking about interpersonal relationships rather than skills, ambitions and values.
Neither cooperation nor competition is better per se in personal relationships.

SECOND -- The next continuum is formed by the Conceal or Reveal tendencies locked
within each human personality since our races dangerous days as small and skinny
beings under frequent attack in Africa. These have been civilized to become Self-Control
and Self-Expression. That pair of traits look like this when plotted.

Self-Control
16.6

16.6

16.6

16.6

16.6

16.6
Self-Expression

Just as neither cooperation nor competition is better to have in ones personality pattern,
neither is self-control nor self-expression. All traits can be effective if used wisely and
disastrous if used badly. There is no good or bad place to be on the chart; unless you are
so far out in any one category that you cannot adapt when dealing with people with other
characteristics. The worse thing you can do concerning patterns is to fall into the liking
trap. Some people unconsciously assume that the only persons worth dealing with are
those like themselves, who allow them to remain unchallenged in their Comfort Zones.
How very naive! Adaptability is the key to interpersonal satisfaction as a means of
becoming what you can be. If you accept only those you are automatically comfortable
with, you are multiplying all your own weaknesses in your family, church, community or
company. Combining the two trends forms the DeVille PERSONALITY PATTERN chart
shown below.

Lovers For Life 21
CONTROL
16.6
COMPREHENDER CONTROLLER
16.6

COOPERATE 16.616.6 16.616.616.616.6 COMPETE

16.6

16.6
SUPPORTER ENTERTAINER
16.6
EXPRESS

1. The men and women who combine Self-control and Competitiveness, as seen in the
upper-right quadrant of the chart, have what we call the CONTROLLING personality
pattern. Such persons are usually assertive and seldom engage in small talk. They don't
joke much and like to work on tight schedules. They are the Command Specialists of life
and remain in their Comfort Zones by Telling people what to do. Former Chrysler
Corporation Chairman Lee Iacocca is a Controller. So are the current Secretary of
Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Vice-President Richard Cheney. Actor Sylvester
Stallone's strong, silent and demanding movie characters are Controllers. Rambo really
tells people what to do. This is a good pattern to have if it is used wisely.

2. The ENTERTAINING pattern is the one used by people who Compete
Interpersonally while Expressing their attitudes and emotions. They fit into the lower
right quadrant of the Personality pattern diagram. These are the people commonly
perceived as enthusiastic and outgoing in their attitudes, activities and relationships.
Entertainers are the Emotive Specialists of life and remain in their Comfort Zones by
Telling others what they feel. Humorists Jay Lino and David Letterman have this pattern.
So does actress Whoopee Goldberg. It is a completely normal way of facing life.

3. The SUPPORTING pattern is used by women and men who combine the Express and
Cooperate traits as shown in the lower left quadrant of the diagram. They are usually
seen as being warm and low key and willing to talk situations over for everyone's benefit.
Supporters are the Concern Specialists of life who like to reach consensus with others.
They tend to remain in their Comfort Zones by Asking others what they are feeling.
President Clinton has this pattern. So does President Ronald Reagan and singer Dinah
Shore. This pattern works well for people who use it wisely.

4. The COMPREHENDING pattern is used by persons who combine Cooperation and
Self-control as shown in the upper left quadrant of the Organizer. These are the
Information Specialists of life who remain in their Comfort Zones by Asking other
people what they are doing. Presidents Jimmy Carter and George Bush, Senior both
used this pattern in their relationships. So does actress Katherine Hepburn. It is a normal
pattern to use by men and women in all areas of life.
Lovers For Life 22
There is no best pattern to have because all four have their strengths and weaknesses.

PATTERNS IN ACTION

COMPREHENDERS are at their best when investigating and analyzing situations. As
Information Specialists they have a powerful need to know as much as they can before
making a decision. They typically ask many questions to discover everything important
about relationships. Comprehenders look behind the obvious in order to keep life running
smoothly.

CONTROLLERS are at their best when implementing activities and directing relation-
ships. They like to select and solve problems from their Command orientation.
Controllers tend to make swift decisions about people and situations, to get the job done
on time and under budget. The appropriate use of time is always very important to a
Controller.

ENTERTAINERS are at their best when inspiring people and rewarding positive
activities. They enjoy persuading people to give their best in family, school and business
settings. Entertainers usually do well when deeply involved in exciting situations for
they do like to be stimulated and stimulating much of the time.

SUPPORTERS are at their best when educating and counseling others in order to make
life better. They often help women and men from their Concern orientation. They work
especially hard at being sincere in their relationships and want trust from others.
Supporters feel that the best results in life's activities come when people cooperate.

PROJECT 4 - PERSONALITY PATTERN CONCEPTS

Write a two or three sentence description of the four major personality patterns.

Lovers For Life 23
PATTERN WEAKNESSES

One of the most fascinating aspects of pattern research is the way our strengths become
our weaknesses when pressed too far. For example, a determined and successful outer
limit Controller who competitively plunges on with the Rumsfeld-like use of commands
when consensus is needed, will alienate those who must cooperate in order to get good
things accomplished. On the other hand, an outer limit Supporter with the willingness to
listen too long to diverse views when the time has come to take decisive action, may
come to grief through a lack of firm leadership.

Entertainers, the enthusiastic gadflies of life, often fail because their talents are diluted
by too many interests. They may venture into new areas before their older activities are
completed successfully. And while an Entertainer's conversational ability is a strength, it
becomes a real weakness when it blocks valuable input from less glib persons.
Comprehenders refuse to leap blindly ahead, wanting facts before making choices. And
while that is usually wise, many human activities and relationships must be started in
faith and trust. When a comprehender surveys all the world's data on marriage and asks
for more information, his or her sweetheart may grow impatient and look for more of a
risk-taker.

PATTERN CONFLICTS

Many of the conflicts that frustrate our relationships come from nothing more than
pattern differences. To most men and women, their own patterns are invisible. And even
when we realize that people are different from one another, their understanding remains
too disorganized to use well. For example, Roberta and Jard were married ten years
before we realized that most of our quarrels came out of our pattern differences. He has a
fast-moving Entertaining pattern while hers is a thoughtful Comprehending one. When
we were dressing to go out, hed throw on a suit while she savored trying on four or five
dresses to choose the most appropriate one. Hed run a comb through his hair while she
carefully put on her make-up. Hed wait restlessly in the car and impatiently blow the
horn while she fumed at his lack of sophistication. Fortunately we both learned about
patterns as we wrote in our book NICE GUYS FINISH FIRST and now he waits in the
front room and reads while she looks over two or three dresses. And he no longer blows
the car horn! Many unnecessary conflicts occur on the diagonal in the Pattern diagram.

Although Controllers and Entertainers don't share control and expression, they do share
competitiveness which gives them an area of understanding through which to relate.
Controllers and Comprehends also share self-control which helps them relate well. The
same is true all around the circle. However, Controllers and Supporters share none of
the four key traits. Neither do Entertainers and Comprehenders. Therefore, it is easier
for people on the diagonal to misunderstand each other -- for a Supporter to see a
Controller as a bully and for a Controller to perceive a Supporter as a wimp.

Remember, each pattern is as valid as the other three. The point is that we need to be
balanced in our relationships, being at neither extreme or we make it hard for persons
Lovers For Life 24
with other patterns to relate comfortably with us. When this happens they assume that
something is wrong with us and often decide they want to avoid dealing with us if they
can.

As we have written, each person unconsciously attempts to remain in a personal comfort
zone as much as possible as one works, plays, worships, or loves with other people. To
remain comfortable she takes cues from the people around her as well as from her inner
conditions at the time, following both the Law of Reciprocity and the Law of Economy.
If we guess correctly, we can adjust somewhat, but still remain in our comfort zones. To
make it easier to interpret the actions of other people, each adult has a set of categories in
which he places others as a means of helping him predict behavior economically. Men
and women tend to stereotype, classifying some people as blabbermouths, tyrants, high
rollers, cheapskates, and so on, following the Law of Economy. This stereotyping seems
instinctive, since all people do it regularly in new relationships. We all make badly
informed decisions about other persons. A young man in one of our seminars told of how
he had done this with his wife's sister. Tom first met Dorothy when he had gone home
with his fiancee for the first time. He said;

I discovered what you are talking about a few years ago, though I didn't
understand the reason for it until I attended this seminar. We met my wife's
folks and I found they were fine people. I did have a personality conflict
with her sister, Dorothy, however. She's a nurse, and we got off on the
wrong foot at the very beginning. My sense of comfort includes being
friendly, telling jokes, and dominating the conversation with my repertory
of stories--a real Entertainer, to use your term. Unfortunately, her pattern
was directly opposite to mine, for she was quiet and introspective. And the
harder I worked to make her accept me with my jokes and stories, the more
she considered me a blabbermouth.

I could not become comfortable with her, and I kept her off balance as
well. I felt she was a cold fish with no sensitivity to my position. And
obviously she felt I was a chowder-head with a joke book for a brain. We
related so badly that she even tried to stop Susan from marrying me, so you
can imagine how we felt about each other after that. It was all downhill for
several years.

Then Susan had a miscarriage and Dorothy and I were thrown together
when complications set in and we needed her nursing skills. And I finally
discovered the real person hidden behind our conflict in personality
patterns. That "cold fish" was a loving sister who cared more for her kid
sister than words could ever tell. She kept us from falling apart in that
crisis. And my growing respect for her let her abandon her defenses to see
me in a different light, still too talkative to suit her personally, but a good
husband who loves her sister dearly. We've become good friends now,
though I try to tone down my exuberance when she's around.
Lovers For Life 25
IDENTIFYING YOUR OWN PERSONALITY PATTERN

Instructions: Print out the following test and write a number 4 in front of the statement most like
you. Put 3 in front of the statement somewhat like you. Put 2 for the one somewhat unlike you.
Put 1 for the one most unlike you. You must place a number in front of every capital letter.

I. I have most of my interpersonal conflicts with people who:
A. Talk too much and fail to take life seriously
B. Are indecisive and fail to stimulate me.
C. Are too emotional and keep getting behind schedule
D. Are too cool and detached from other people

2. When I work or play with other people, I almost want them to be:
A. Precise and correct
B. Stimulating and fun
C. Efficient and effective
D. Sincere and concerned

3. I feel most satisfied when I am able to:
A. Develop new concepts intellectually.
B. Inspire people to talk about new concept application
C. Direct people to use new concepts practically.
D. Teach people to cooperate with new concepts.

4. If someone causes a problem when Im feeling somewhat tense, Im most likely to:
A. Stay away from him/her if I can.
B. Tell him/her what I feel about the situation.
C. Tell him/her what to do to correct the situation
D. Allow him/her freedom of choice in order to keep the relationship a good one.

5. When someone causes a problem when Im really under serious stress, Im most likely to:
A. Tell him/her to correct the situation in no uncertain terms.
B. Let him/her do what he will so long as he gets out of my way.
C. Figure out a way to get a far from the situation as possible.
D. Tell him/her how I feel about him in no uncertain terms.

6. I like to be known as a person who:
A. Understands the implications and ramifications of relationships.
B. Is always ready to get people fired up and able to achieve.
C. Has all the issues of life well under my personal control.
D. Has a deep, consistent concern for the people I know.

To identify your personality pattern:

Add all the numbers in front of the six A statements.
COMPREHENDER________
Add all the numbers of the six B statements.
ENTERTAINER___________
Add all the numbers of the six C statements.
CONTROLLER____________
Add all the numbers of the six D statements.
SUPPORTER______________

Lovers For Life 26
The Personality Pattern with the highest is most likely your pattern. You will find it easier
to relate to people of like pattern.

If two patterns are more or less equal, you have likely identified your primary pattern
and your secondary pattern.

You will find it more difficult to relate well to people whose scores are further from
yours.

These are the people you will have to work hardest to deal comfortably with, for their
characteristics are most unlike your own.

The Pattern Organizer shown below reveals the crucial characteristics that will help you
identify another persons pattern on the outside of the circle.

For example, if you see that a man or woman appears consistently task-oriented, asking
for facts and figures while taking relationship risks and challenging others, you can
assume that he or she has a controlling pattern.

To influence a controller, use the suggestions given the pattern organizer in the upper-
right quadrant.

Be efficient, support his or her choices and give options from which to make decisive
choices that enable him or her to feel in control.

Do the same for people with the three other patterns. Use the clues outside the circle to
identify them and then use the suggestions within the circle to influence them.

Remain flexible so you relate well to people of all four patterns.

Avoid the deadly liking trap of relating to only people like yourself for that puts you in
opposition to three fourths of all the people you shall ever know.

Lovers For Life 27

ADAPTABILITY INDEX

Since no pattern is good or bad per se, the key to using pattern knowledge successfully is
to develop one's ability to adapt in order to keep people comfortable long enough to
establish.

Read the following and circle the Y for Yes if you agree or usually agree. Circle the N
for No if you disagree or usually disagree.

Support People and Emotions

BE SINCERE
Give Assurances
and Support to
Influence when
Working Together
SUPPORTER
Task-Oriented/Cool-DistantPrecise About
the Use of TimeWants Facts and Figures
CONTROL
Challenging
Fast Acting
High Risk
Extroverted
COMPETE

Compromising
Slow Acting
Low Risk
Introverted
COOPERATE

Wants Feeling and ConcernImprecise About
the Use of TimeWarm/ClosePeople
Oriented
EXPRESS
Support Choices
and Decisions
BE EFFICIENT
Give Options and
Probabilities to Influence
when Working Together

CONTROLLER
Support Facts
and Logic
BE CORRECT
Give Data and Facts
to Influence when
Working Together

COMPREHENDER
Support Dreams and Plans

BE STIMULATING
Give Incentives and
Testimonials to Influence
when Working
Together
ENTERTAINER
Lovers For Life 28
1. Y N I find it inappropriate to shift my own actions and relationships
2. Y N I feel silly entertaining others with jokes and anecdotes.
3. Y N I go out of my way to avoid people who are unlike myself.
4. Y N I allow people to assume that I like them more than I really do.
5. Y N I find it best to control my own pattern in order to win cooperation.
6. Y N I find it easy to adapt as people and circumstances change around me.
7. Y N I'm convinced that I'm a pretty good user of new concepts.
8. Y N I find it easy to say what people expect of me.
9. Y N I go out of my way to be nice to people with whom I differ.
10. Y N I keep some people from knowing what I really like.

SCORING THE INDEX

Give yourself 1 point each for # 1, 2 and 3 if you answered with an N. Next, give yourself
1 point each for # 4 through 10 if you answered with a Y. Count the total and enter.
________

1 - 2 TOO LOW ADAPTABILITY - Develop new ways to communicate and lead.
3 - 5 MODERATE LOW ADAPTABILITY - Good but could become more flexible.
6 - 8 MODERATE HIGH ADAPTABILITY - Very good - keep up the good work.
9 - 10 TOO HIGH ADAPTABILITY - Tone it down to avoid appearing insincere.

PATTERN SHIFTS

All persons use clues with which we predict how other persons will behave toward us.
Most behavior prediction systems are too simplistic to be valuable (black vs. white,
management vs. labor and men vs. women) but the one shown below is effective. You
will need to observe how persons with different patterns tend to ask or to tell when in
their comfort zones. When moderately uncomfortable from tension, people behave in
ways consistent with their patterns. When that fails because of increasing pressure, they
shift into yet another manner of interacting. Controllers, for example, tend to remain in
their Comfort Zones by TELLING others what to do. If that fails, they shift to
DEMAND under tension and if that fails, they AVOID under stress. Men and women
with each of the four patterns behaves in a predictable manner as the person slips out of
his Comfort Zone to tension and then to stress. A Supporter who is pushed from his
comfort zone by frustration will usually yield on minor issues in order to preserve the
relationship between himself and another person. If the tension increases enough to
become stress, he abruptly shifts to mount an attack on the person or situation that is
causing his frustration. This attack can be quite harmful to a person's ability to win
support and cooperation, because it seems irrational. It looks out of character to a person
who fails to realize that a cornered Supporter is like a cornered wolf, all teeth and claws,
fighting for his life. Since the frustrating person did not behave nicely when the
Supporter was so sincere, he has lost his right to decent treatment.

Lovers For Life 29
COMFORT ZONE TENSION STRESS

CONTROLLER ----------------- > Tells ------------------> Demands ----- >Avoids

ENTERTAINER -----------------> Tells -------------------> Attacks ------- >Complies

SUPPORTER ---------------------> Asks -------------------> Complies ---- >Attacks

COMPREHENDER --------------> Asks -------------------> Avoids ------- >Demands

By learning these patterns and shifts, you can anticipate and predict the behavior of other
people with amazing accuracy. You will also be able to anticipate what you need in order
to remain in your comfort zone.

You cannot avoid using your pattern for long without creating tension within yourself.
Therefore, don't put on an elaborate act, since your nonverbal communication shall soon
give you away. Simply make the effort to slip into your listener's frame of reference long
enough for him to accept you personally rather than becoming defensive because you are
forcing him from his or her comfort zone. After rapport has been established and you
focus on working, playing, or living together without stress, you will slip back into your
own pattern unconsciously, but he will very likely have accepted that you are a decent,
competent person, even though he may never realize why he or she feels that way about
you.

The closer you are to the edge of the chart, the harder it will be for you to shift for
whatever the reason. The closer to the middle, the easier the shift, of course. The same is
true of other persons. You will have to work harder to win rapport with people whose
patterns are closer to the edge, when they are in a different sector from yourself, but it
can be done, except perhaps with people like Donald Rumsfeld who are so close to the
edge that they cannot imagine how anyone could be different from themselves and
remain a decent person. Describe your personality Pattern as you understand it. Use
examples if you wish. Have you discovered anything new about your relationships with
other persons;

With your spouse?

With your children?

With someone who annoys you?

Lovers For Life 30
IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

CONTROLLER SUGGESTIONS
Take time to investigate and evaluate risks before leaping blindly ahead.
Develop patience with people who are more deliberate than yourself.
Reveal your emotions rather than making people guess what you are feeling.
Ask people what they want rather than always telling them what to do.
Cooperate for win/win relationships rather than always competing.

ENTERTAINER SUGGESTIONS
Work out details rather than assuming that ideas alone make good things happen.
Listen to critics rather than listening only to people who agree with you.
Downplay the use of emotions in order to gather facts about crucial projects.
Complete projects on time rather than starting new ones too soon.
Set realistic goals rather than pursuing too many high-sounding disappointments.

SUPPORTER SUGGESTIONS
Take more risks rather than sacrificing too much to safety
Give clear, concise instructions rather than remaining too subtle.
Don't try to keep your relationships too smooth when conflicts occur.
Critique ideas and suggestions more rather than accepting them too soon.
Disagree when you should to keep people from taking advantage of you.

COMPREHENDER SUGGESTIONS
Accept human emotions as normal for yourself and for others.
Speak out decisively rather than letting others misunderstand you.
Compete more often rather than always cooperating with others.
Become more interpersonally intense rather than playing life too cool.
Make faster decisions instead of sampling all the world's data and asking for more.

PSYCHOLOGICAL ATTITUDES

A psychological attitude is one's view of life, love, and sense of worth in relation to other
people. Like the patterns, there are four basic attitudes. The assumptions that one can
learn about interpersonal worth in childhood are:

THE ACCEPTING ATTITUDE -- We are both all right in this relationship.

THE INFERIORITY ATTITUDE -- You are all right but I am a failure.

THE SUPERIORITY ATTITUDE -- I'm all right but you are a mess.

THE HOPELESS ATTITUDE -- Neither of us is worth very much.

Lovers For Life 31
The first attitude -- that we're both all right in our relationship, that we are partners who
share resources, decisions, pleasure and responsibilities -- is the only one of the four
which can lead to a permanently satisfying love relationship. The partners do not pretend
to be perfect, but they will work at maturing together and are doing pretty well in the
marriage. Each lover accepts his own worth as well as the worth of the partner, so each
offers love more or less equally. Of course as the French people know and say so well:

No two persons love the partner with the same intensity and degree. In
most relationships one lover loves the other the most deeply while that
beloved person allows himself or herself to be loved.

SELF-FOCUS 12
WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN THAT CONFIRMS OR DENIES THE STATEMENT THAT
FOR A COUPLE, ONE LOVER LOVES MORE DEEPLY WHILE THE OTHER
PARTNER ACCEPTS THAT LOVE?

Because they have this love, respect, and tolerance, loving couples seldom set each other
up to be hurt, humiliated, or devalued. Sometimes, when they are tired or frustrated, they
fight, but not very often and not to the death. They soon get their priorities straight and
make up since they are committed to living their lives together.

The belief that the man and the woman are equal partners in the relationship is an
accepting attitude a person holds toward life and others, not a temporary feeling of
goodwill. It is a self-transcending, spiritual experience in several ways, one in which the
lovers commit their lives to each other for better or worse. The Accepting Attitude is a
powerful personal philosophy of life, but it does not guarantee continuous good feelings
about the partner or about oneself. That would be expecting too much in a fast-moving
world filled with pressures, existential frustrations and uncertainty.

All men and women become frustrated with their partners, sometimes resenting the
demands made by them, and, at times, feel less than kind and accepting. Everyone is
hooked into quarrels or depressed states, but these should be seen for what they are;
momentary feelings of anger or disappointment which will pass and not significantly
affect the marriage. All problems of survival in a fast-changing world -- rearing children
successfully, juggling different careers, coping with disappointments -- do not vanish
because the lovers have committed themselves to each other as equals and have gone
beyond pleasure and power or prestige to the third level of purpose and permanence.
Problems will continue, but Accepting lovers will understand that they have the strength
and resources to cope and prosper when they combine their lives according to the breeder
reactor principle.

More than 100 years ago Elizabeth Barrett grew up with a seriously disturbed Victorian
father who turned his children into neurotics because of his distorted view of sex and
love. Elizabeth was as confused about her sexuality as any of the children until the poet
Robert Browning entered her life. He saw the beautiful, strong, creative woman hidden
beneath the poor psychological creature (she looked upon herself as an ugly duckling
Lovers For Life 32
because her parents had conditioned her to. Browning set out to win her -- not from a
position of superiority but because he was sensitive enough to understand how wrong her
feelings of inadequacy were. He saw her in the terms of what she could become if he
helped her grow. And the frightened, sexually confused young woman responded to his
love and trust, despite tremendous pressure from her father to remain neurotic. She grew
to emotional and physical maturity and became an enduring poet in her own right as well
as Browning's wife and lover and the mother of a son who lived a good life on his own. It
happened because Browning held an accepting attitude which enabled him to look
beyond her surface symptoms to see that she was indeed all right and would fill her life
with sources of meaning if he helped her do so.

The lesson to learn from this is dual in nature. First, we cannot simply accept people as
they are -- since that will probably limit them in their growth. They must be accepted for
what they have the ability to become. We need to look ahead to predict where their
growth can take them and point them toward it. The second lesson is that unlike
personality patterns, which are generally fixed for life, psychological attitudes can be
improved considerably when a person accepts the responsibility for his or her life, stops
relying on others to make good things happen to they, themselves.

The second psychological attitude is one's belief in his or her inadequacy as a person, the
feeling of being somehow crippled. People who hold this attitude assume themselves to
be Inferior to the majority of other women and men. They think they must be for they
have so many feelings of inadequacy. Thus, they live far below their potential in
attitudes, activities and relationships, believing they have some fatal flaw in their
characters as young Elizabeth Barrett did. This makes them subservient to their lovers
and prevents their attaining the full partnership they deserve. An -- I'm not all right, but
you are attitude -- leads to much disappointment and conflict for many couples.

The belief that one is Inferior to or dependent upon a more competent or loving person
for love and fulfillment does not mean that such a lover cannot sometimes feel happy
and satisfied. Many good experiences can be enjoyed for a while, but resentment
eventually sets in when one believes himself to be Inferior and dependent, forced to
accept what ever bones life and the partner toss to him. Many people who have failed to
mature beyond the Inferiority attitude feel guilty about themselves. Prostitutes tell how
men of wealth and power frequently come to them with this attitude, asking to be
humiliated emotionally or physically before they can have an erection or reach orgasm.
People like this may hide their feelings of inadequacy by winning great wealth or power,
but it is impossible to hide such feelings for long in an intimate relationship. And then the
marriage is always crippled when the Inferiority lover begins to feel devalued and
resentful and starts to use self-defeating and crippling counterattacks to win some better
feelings about himself.

Unfortunately, virtually every society, especially those with a patriarchal culture,
automatically considers women inferior to men. As we have said, we humans only
pretend to like changes in our lives. We fiercely resist anything that doesn't immediately
and obviously benefit ourselves. And granting equality to the women who do the boring
Lovers For Life 33
scut work in their world, who are trained to be sexually available to their men, to obey
when and where commanded -- is seldom seen as a benefit to the dominant men of a
society. In the first place men and usually stronger and faster, larger and more violent
through their testosterone flow. Then too, the women of the past were pregnant, nursing
infants and pregnant again, until they usually died after repeated births had sapped their
strength. Their role in life was well known -- reproduction and caring for the kids and the
hunters and warriors who did the important work needed to care for the clan. As you can
learn by reading Colleen McCulloughs great tale THORNBIRDS, this inferior role for
women continued virtually unchallenged by women well into the 20th century in New
Zealand, Australia and America. It still does in some segments of society such as the
Religious Right in America and in the Catholic Church across the non-English speaking
world. The hostility to competent, successful women is deep in the blue collar world of
construction workers, miners, cops and firefighters and factory workers. One comic
reports the only reason so many male cops cultivate mustaches is because that is the only
thing left they can do that the female cops cannot. The Police Department of
Minneapolis still has a major problem caused by male cops who find excuses to stay
away from a woman officer who is in trouble and calls for back-up assistance. The
women had to sue their own department to stop their male colleagues who were betraying
them into danger because of their hatred of female cops. The same has been true of fire
departments and the craft unions in most cities.

The third attitude is even more destructive to a marriage. It is the superiority attitude, the
-- I'm all right but you are all wrong view -- that some people have of themselves and
their lovers. A superiority attitude comes from a disastrous childhood situation or
situations which have colored one's attitudes and relationships. In the book THE CAINE
MUTINY, Captain Queeg believed that he alone was capable of making decisions. It was
an ego defense, an over- compensation for his weaknesses he had learned when he was
mistreated and terrified as a child in an orphanage. As he grew up, he became unable to
admit any mistakes he made, especially to himself. His mind automatically twisted all
incompatible facts around to benefit his ego rather than face the truth. Queeg would have
capsized the ship in a typhoon rather than countermand his orders when asked to do so by
his junior officers. He was so insecure that he felt any retraction would reveal his
weaknesses to them and he would die rather than face that flaw in himself.

It is very disappointing to love such a man or woman, since the partner cannot win equal
status or acceptance. Simply by being alive, he or she is automatically seen as Inferior
and therefore fit only to be commanded about as a subservient member of the
relationship. This doesn't mean that the Superior lover is always cruel to the junior
partner. A man who conducts a marriage front his attitude may be very gentle, may treat
the woman like a child whose needs must his guidance in order to make the right choices
for herself. He may devalue her as the wife, a non-entity who is an appendage to his
macho self. He may call her his little woman as if she were childlike -- while he makes
the important decisions in the marriage.

Lovers For Life 34
Some women do the same thing, poking fun at their husbands, airing weaknesses through
the community coffee clutches or around the water coolers at work -- where inferior men
are dissected for the enjoyment of superior women. Once, after we had moved into a new
neighborhood, Roberta was invited to a mid-morning coffee, culture and criticism
session, where the husbands were being roasted. When she saw what was happening,
Roberta protested, saying that she loved her husband and found him a pretty decent guy.
When one of the women laughed, Roberta went on to say:

Martha, I'm surprised at you! I know your Harvey and he's a darling
man, better than some women deserve. How can you put him down this
way because there's been some burnt toast within your marriage? We all
have that and I just won't listen to you humiliating a good guy this way.

Some of the hard core superiority players never forgave Roberta and never invited her
back -- which was all right, because she was teaching and uninterested in their coffee-
clatch agenda. And Martha, who did remain her friend, never again criticized Harvey to
her.

A man or woman with a Superior attitude is living a tragedy, going through life finding
persons to criticize in order to find relief from some gnawing insecurity of his or her own,
rather than finding deliverance to become the kind of lover possible. This type of attitude
creates great resentment and destroys good relationships until the user finds an Inferior
partner who meets his or her distorted expectations. A union of this kind often gives rise
to a long-simmering feud since the abused partner inevitably feels resentment at being
devalued.

The last attitude is the Hopeless one. Neither lover feels competent to guide the
relationship wisely through life. Both partners see themselves as captives on a ship of
fools from which there is no escape. Each lover's personality pattern is seen as wrong,
the disaster is ordained to last forever, and unhappiness is all they can expect since
neither can ever become competent. Such persons often find their way into militia
groups, the Ku Klux Klan or even into churches that stress the wrath of God and claims
that the love of God is greatly exaggerated. and call for humiliation and punishment.
Such theology makes sense to them because of their psychological attitudes. Theology
and Scripture are then interpreted to fit the hopeless outlook on life rather than to
strengthen the worshippers from within.

In a marriage, two such storm crows may live together in some sort of mutual despair, but
God have mercy on any children they rear, since they too, are conditioned to expect
misery and disappointment all their lives. They rarely make the choices that lead to
satisfaction in love or career because they feel that satisfaction cannot occur.

Men and women who are finding sexual fulfillment as part of a total relationship are
confident people who do their own thinking but who cooperate well with their partners
when the need exists. They accept the fact that two people from different backgrounds,
holding different expectations and often living with different personality patterns, cannot
Lovers For Life 35
agree all the time. They have also learned to be accepting of each other but still to
maintain high expectations, negotiating solutions which leave both partners feeling good
about themselves and one another.

They have learned that the traditional hausfrau who is at her lord and master's beck and
call is devaluating him as well as herself by becoming a serving wench and broodmare.
Unfortunately many young men still believe the myths taught by their macho fathers and
grandfathers about: a woman's ability and worth. Such sons persuade their naive young
women that they really do want to take care of them forever, want them barefoot and
pregnant, only to discover in mid-life that they cannot stand their banal ideas and
attitudes any longer. Dan told Jard how this happened to him in his first marriage. He
was a middle-aged executive for a major food company who divorced his first wife and
married a somewhat younger woman he now treats in a very healthy, positive way. Susan
wouldn't accept him in his old mode. Henry said:

In my first marriage I unthinkingly expected Ann to be my helpmate, like
the women on the ranch in Montana when I was growing up. Sad to say,
she agreed with me, and it destroyed her as a person and our marriage.
She worked as a secretary as I went on through college and got my MBA.
Then we had our three children, and by the time I was in middle
management with a good career going she felt completely out of place
with the wives of the men I worked with. So, she buried herself in the
house with the kids. By the time they were in school she felt useless so she
started drinking through the day. She eventually became a hidden
alcoholic, so I left, taking the kids with me. I was guilty in her collapse, I
admit it. But I have no doubt that she cooperated completely in our failure
for the years we were together. When I dated Susan, we had a fight over
women's rights at our first dinner. Boy, did she set me straight! It wasn't
just her beauty and her intelligence, but a tremendous vitality. She does
the things she believes strongly in. We've been married for eight years
now, and there's no sign of her retreating from life as Ann did. I feel bad
about Ann, but she was just as much to blame as I about her role in our
marriage.

We, have trouble blaming Henry about this. How can a college student around twenty
years old see through his or her culture's loony assumptions? Not even older adults can
do that very well. At the turn of the 21st century, several nations in South Africa are
stricken with an AIDS epidemic that is caused by promiscuous sexuality. The
conservative projection is that up to twenty-five percent of all South Africans will die of
the infection by 2010 or so. The disease is an unmitigated disaster but the presidents of
the nations, black tribesmen themselves, are telling their people not to worry, that despite
all the evidence, the widespread HIV infections have nothing to do with AIDS. How do
they know this despite all the scientific research to the contrary? Their witch doctor
consultants assured them all the scientists were wrong -- were evil white devils trying to
frighten the people in the name of European morality.

Lovers For Life 36
In his second marriage, Henry abandoned his casual but destructive superiority attitude
to become a much more accepting husband who realized that a real partnership was the
only way he could win and keep Suzy's love. We often see them socially and delight in
the way they walk with their arms about each other. It tells us a great deal about their
love and mutual acceptance. We also like the way Suzy pins Henry down if he shows any
signs of regressing into his former attitude from his competitive, assertive Controlling
personality pattern. She keeps him honest!

MEANINGFUL EXPECTATIONS

HIGH EXPECTATIONS -- These set the stage for great things to happen because a solid
love-life is filled with logical quid-pro-quos. Whatever we plan well to happen, develop
a vehicle to make it occur and then work hard and smart to get it moving, is what life
most often gives us in return. There is no free lunch and there are no guarantees - we
cannot positively say you will not be trampled by a herd of stampeding water buffalo
before dawn tomorrow - but that's the way life usually works out. Years ago, during a
Beef Wellington and port wine dinner in the unlikely city of Kankakee, Illinois, Viktor
Frankl and Jard pondered why in the days before vaccines were developed, physicians,
pastors and nurses could often work through terrible epidemics that were killing
thousands of people without contracting the deadly plague. They discussed the possible
survival mechanism and decided it had to be psychospiritual in nature. Viktor drew a
research design on a napkin and when, a few months later Jard became psychology
department chairman at Westminster College, he discovered to his satisfaction the answer
to the immunity question. He learned that human expectations not only determine to a
large extent the quality of our lives, they also affect the length of life we enjoy. They can
set the stage for how long we live and what we finally die of!

Jard recruited five male and five female students whom he'd previously found to be
excellent hypnotic subjects and one Saturday morning placed all of them in deep
hypnotic trances. No, hypnosis isn't some evil sin as your elderly Aunt Alice assumes,
but simply a function of the autonomic nervous system! Jard can demonstrate it with
mice and with chickens whom he presumes have no devilish connections with some
satanic underworld as Aunt Alice says! He left the ten students with post hypnotic
suggestions that their lives were deeply satisfying: they were going to graduate on
schedule and enjoy great careers. He reinforced the post hypnotic suggestions the
following Wednesday and a few days later had blood samples drawn from those students
and analyzed at the University Hospital. A week later they repeated the session and he
left them with the post hypnotic suggestion that life was awful: they would have to stay in
college an extra year and would probably have futile, unhappy careers. He reinforced
their negative expectations in mid-week and again had their blood chemistry analyzed.
The results were absolutely fascinating and clearly revealed why persons having high
expectations often survived epidemics in the years before vaccines.

Lovers For Life 37
When the ten students had high expectations -- compared to low expectations, their
agglutination titer against bacilli infection was many times higher. This is the body's
defense against infection, disease, aging and death. It was elevated for every student in
Jard's study - without exception. In other words, if you live with positive attitudes and
high expectations, making responsible choices -- not only will your outlook on life be
improved, so shall your blood chemistry! We have identified three major expectations
you can focus on for a better life.

LOVE THEME EXPECTATIONS -- These form the assumption that you deserve to
enjoy deeply satisfying relationships with the women and men with whom you share life.
You have within yourself the skills and strengths needed to win and to keep the love of
the people you care about. You can accept the fact that you are a whole, forever maturing
believer who has the right to love others and to be loved by them.

MIND THEME EXPECTATIONS -- These form the assumption that you have the
intelligence and the strength to focus your powers wisely. You are not a hapless victim
of fate even if you had some bad experiences while growing up -- but remain a free soul
who can plan well and achieve when you set your mind to it. You really can change your
part of the world when you go at it with diligence and commitment.

JOY THEME EXPECTATIONS -- These form the assumption that you can create
seasons of consistent joy in the normal highs of life. You need not resort to dangerous
mood altering chemicals that promise so much in the beginning but turn to attack and
destroy the user. It now appears from our research some years ago that an addiction
steals about twenty years from an abuser's life while making the rest of it unhealthy and
miserable.

Anything that blocks these expectations from reaching fruition comes from a nihilistic
view of human worth, from self-defeating attitudes and low expectations.

PROJECT 5

HOW COULD YOU BETTER MATURE THROUGH UNDERSTANDING;

Personality Patterns?

Positive Attitudes?

High Expectations?

Lovers For Life 38
SELF-FOCUS 13

How could these following play an important aspect of your life?

LOVE THEME EXPECTATIONS

MIND THEME EXPECTATIONS

JOY THEME EXPECTATIONS

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