Académique Documents
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Culture Documents
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the
question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the
bees.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
No Extras!
A married couple goes into a dentist’s office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, “No expensive extras, Doc.
No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,” the dentist says. “Now, which tooth is it?”
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Show him your tooth, honey.”
Cyanide Please
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,
"Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in
jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife,
and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Marketing 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and
pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and
say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a
drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,
I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's
Brand Recognition.
A 90-year-
old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his
umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string
behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam
answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the
women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I
want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room
on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging
the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the
only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner,
leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad
get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the
disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom
will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom
and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple
in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her,
kisses her
on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give
him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
An opportunist's tale
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On
his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the
reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your
exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".
Top 20 Signs That You've Online
1. Tech Support calls you for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL."
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "you can hang out."
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You've gotten on an airplane just to meet some people face-to-face.
8. You have to get a second phone line so you can order pizza.
9. Your wife goes into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be
"away."
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation or complete sentences.
12. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
14. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
15. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again.
16. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses'.
17. You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy,
you claim it was off the hook.
18. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
19. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (you were
online all night).
20. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
Sexual Confessional
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell me all of your sins, my daughter."
"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard, and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass,
and drink it."
"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?"
"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"
Disappointing Frog
A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. You sold me this frog and told me
it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, Did you do what I told you to do?
Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did
nothing!
she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies,
it’s a perfectly trained frog. I can not understand what’s wrong.
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a
bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
What? she shouts.
Turning to the frog, he says, Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I m showing you this!
Relationship Advice
A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked
her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I actually did once."
"And how did your husband look?"
"Angry, very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting,
we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during
sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us!"
Seasick
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go
somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of
condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month."
So, Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising
the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up
to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with
me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
Blonde Bashing
Q- What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A- Pregnant!
Q- What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A- Nothing. They've never met.
Comfortable
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they
can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch
where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact
you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells
her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a
bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to
your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
Biology Class
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female
(FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in
semen?"
"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she
realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and
walked out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered
her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not
the back of your throat."
ASPIRIN
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I
have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or
as a suppository, it's up to you!"
Little Red Riding Hood pulls a 38 out of her basket, points it at him and says, "Bullshit, you're gonna eat me like
the book says!"
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked step mother won't let her. As she sits crying in the garden her
fairy Godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but with
2 conditions: "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the 2nd condition?" "You must be
home by 2am. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2am.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5am, Cinderella shows up,
looking love-struck and satisfied. "Where have you been?" Demanded her Godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Godmother. He took care of everything." "I
know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter,
something or other...."
SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back,
hiked up her dress and then sat on his face screaming, "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!"
CHOCOLATE MILK
Once there were three guys and a prostitute. The first guy went to her and sucked her nipples and chocolate
milk came out. He was excited and told the second guy about her. The second guy did the same thing and the
same thing happened, chocolate milk came out. So the second guy went and told the third guy chocolate milk
came out of this prostitutes tits, so the third guy went to her and asked "Does chocolate milk really come out of
your tits?" The girl said "No it's breast cancer."
Limericks
There was a young lady from Leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn't for fame
Or love of the game
But to get at the cheese underneath.
Magic Sandals
This married couple were on holiday in India. They were touring around a busy
Bombay marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal
shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
The married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild and crazy at the
sex, just like great desert camel."
Well, the wife's eyes lit up as her husband wasn't exactly the sex god he
thought...far from it in fact. The husband felt he really didn't need them though,
"How on earth can a pair of sandals turn somebody into a sex freak???"
The Indian man replied, "Please kind sir, just try dem on...."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried
them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many a year!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him over a
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,
Freezing To Death
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?"
the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and
you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to
go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you,
how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating
on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom,
and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding
there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran
as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack
and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull,
but I got it fixed really quick."
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's
nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers
in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip
roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out
of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and
feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring
hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the
middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"
"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be. I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
Cheerios..."
She smiles, and leans over to pat his dog on the head. She turns and says, "Yes,
he is. Now, what's wrong with your little dog?"
He replies, "Well, he's a male dog, you see. And whenever we have company
over, he trys to introduce various bits of himself to their shins. It's become a
problem, so I'm here to take care of it."
"So, why are you and your really big dog here?" He's really hitting it off with her!
"Well, my dog is male too. I have the same problem with him: when I bend over
in the kitchen, he jumps up behind me, puts his paws on my shoulders and,
well,..."
"Oh, yes, I see," the man interrupts. "So you're hear to get him fixed too?"
Friend: Well the 3 women were Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit and Hillary
Clinton.
The guy: Well still that can't be all that bad.
Friend: Well when I woke up, I found my self in the hospital with a busted
kneecap, a smaller dick and then I found out I had no health coverage.
Ungrateful Wife
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed
with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her
husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving
along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,
So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had
forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so
I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of
style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that
you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I
gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is
there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,
"Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew
she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could
actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?"
"Yes, I did."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth
control!"
Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in
search of an exotic pet... As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of
frogs. The sign says:
Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).
Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly
to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."
Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully." Cindy
nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions
and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she
turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she
replied with a knowing smile.
"Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover
clapping his hands in mid-air.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these
pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But ... but you've got no clothes on!" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little
bastards!"
Watch Out, Here Comes Daddy
One day a woman went to the doctors. She told her doctor that her and her
husband wasn't having a good relationship in bed. So the doctor gave her some
viagra pills. The doctor said to give two pills to her husband when they wanted to
have sex. And told her to come back the next day.
So the next day she came back saying "Wow, that was great. What if i gave him
5 pills?"
The doctor replied, "Well I wouldn't do it but I guess you can but be sure you
come back the next day."
So she gave him 5 pills. She came back the next day with crouches saying,
"Damn! That was the best sex I ever had. What if I gave him the hole bottle?"
The doctor said, "I highly not recommed that but, you can give it a try but be back
tomorrow!"
So the next day a little boy came in. He asked, "Are you the lady that told my
mom to give daddy those pills?"
The little boy went on her counter and slapped her across the face saying, "You
bitch!!! Because of you my mom is dead, my sister is pregant. My ass hurts, and
my daddy is going around the house saying, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in
the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."
Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious
foods.
She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the
mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher."
True Story
I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get
married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing
was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and
low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of
her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near
anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was
to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to
make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it
just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she
reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at
me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I
opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged
me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".
The Colonel
A crusty old U. S. Air Force Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown,
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for
conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this
way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you
have seen a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know you
should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said,
"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time
you had sex?"
She said, "Well that's the hang-up -- you really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his atter-of-fact voice, Oh, I don't
know, it's only 2130 now."
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and
suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell
them at the front desk.
Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel
clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from
under the desk and gives it to Donald.
The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he
says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up
in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go
ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he
can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off
the intercom!"
At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5
minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the
greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?".
To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".
Penis 4 a Day
What women would do if they had a penis for a day
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between
a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches
to be added to the final measurement.
The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An
attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He told her
his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn,
whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor.
One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving
Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's bed with an
equally naked lady.
In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was
Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off.
About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman
Thompson.
"Hey," said Thompson, "did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, New
York?"
"Well, yes" answered Topper. "You know I am a married man, and I have a lovely
wife and child. I gave her your name because you're a bachelor, and I didn't want
any complications. I hope I didn't get you into any trouble."
"No, no, on the contrary," replied his friend. "Her lawyer called me to inform me
that I had inherited the manor and the lady's entire estate!"
Perfect Cakes
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday dinner. As he
arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake
some cupcakes.
After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When
the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.
"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said,
"Mikey these are so good."
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of
these?"
Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to
help."
Fishing
While out fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim,
but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: "Are
there any gators around here!?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About
halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
Ballerinar
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the
people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the
bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to
the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy
armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your
business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the
ballerina?'"
As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that
high has got to be a ballerina!"
Ride In Train
A man was traveling in a train for the first time in his life. He was with a friend,
who was eating chocolates. The man asked the friend to give him some. The
frined gave the whole box and went to sleep, as it was a long journey. The man
was excited about his first ride that he ate the whole box of chocolates. After a
short while, he felt he should go to the toilet. He went there, only to find a long
queue in front of it. He was about to do it in his pants, but there was absolutely
nothing he could do about it. He woke his frined and asked for his help. The
frined said, "Stick your ass out of the window and let the shit go. Let me sleep".
The man opened the window, placed his ass out and did it. The shit went all
over, including some people who were doing some "Transporting". They got
really angry at this and went to the Train's Travel Department to register their
complaint. They thought someone vomited on them. The officer looked at them
and the slime on them. "Did you see the face of the person who did this? I mean
the eyes, lips, anything?", Officer asked. "I don't remember the lips, neither the
eyes..." one of the trainspotters said, "...but he had really big cheeks".
Upon finishing the tour the guide asks, "say, do you smoke?"
The newly dead responds "Oh YEAH, I smoked for most of my life, I'm a real
connoisseur of tobacco."
The guide responds with, "Well you're gonna LOVE Sundays! We'll have fine
cigarettes from all over the world, the best Cuban cigars, quality pipe tobacco..."
Hell's latest addition is starting to think hey this won't be so bad after all when the
guide says "so do you drink?"
"Well you're gonna LOVE Mondays when we drag out our best bourbons,
Caribbean rums, our 25 single malt scotches, fresh Guinness from the
brewery..." Our man is really excited now.
"Oh by the way", says the guide, interrupting blissful thoughts of an alcoholic
stupor, "Are you gay?"
Bad Day...
A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight
mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma
dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Good- night
mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The
father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and
goodbye daddy." The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day
he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. At
the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He
says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She
says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"
Two Statues
For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a
city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such
exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special
gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do
anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues
to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide
grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on it's head.
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".
Superhypersensitive
A Mr. Dillon walks into a psychiatrists office with his wife. She tells him "All he
ever thinks about it sex, sex, sex, and I'm tired of it!!! We've been to 3 other
doctors, and they couldn't help, so now it's in your hands."
The wife leaves, and the doctor starts right in. The doctor tries to get him to talk
about his childhood, but it he soon starts talking about sex.
Next he tries to get Mr. Dillon to talk about his job, but once again, the talk turns
to sex. The good doctor tries a variety of approaches:
Hobbies - "Sex!"
Sports - "Sex!"
Fishing - "Sex!"
Dreams - "Sex!"
At this, the doctor believes he has hit on something - That every subject has
been too general; So he decides to show him pictures of specific things.
A house. - "Sex!"
A tree. - "Sex!"
At this point, the doctor has had enough. He shouts: "How can you think of sex
when I show you a picture of a house!?! Or a tree!?! I can understand a car or a
boat, But a house or a tree!?!?!"
Mr Dillon looks at him and says: "What are you yelling at me for, Doc - You're the
one with all the dirty pictures!!!"
Sexual Rhyming Terms
WANKY PANKY
- fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
THRUSTER BUSTER
- a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of
a spouse's car in the driveway or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER
- sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY
- stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest
DICKIE LICKIE
- oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE
- doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER
- oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth
FUCKIE SUCKIE
- oral sex and sexual intercourse both
STINKIE PINKIE
- the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER
- I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
A Big Surprise
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal
of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one
would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg
when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when
they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big
surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in
their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said
the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg,
slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and
I`ll see what I can do!"
Register 5
A man was in a long line at the grocery store.
He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for
a cheap thrill.
When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get
condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought
this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the
intercom and said...
"Cleanup, register 5!"
Arrested Student
Lots of things go on during "Spring Break" as the college students let off a little
steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the
beach, and was appearing before a Judge.
"I plead not guilty your honor, I only went there to get relieved." he testified.
"Well, I'm inclined to accept your explanation." said the Judge. "I guess some
allowances must be made for 'emergencies'."
"That's true to a point, your Honor." said the arresting officer. "But what about this
young lady here who relieved him?"
A Court Case
A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder
charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair,
checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to
the witness stand.
The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty,"
the woman answered emphatically.
The crown council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the
11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-
legged dwarf - who was waving a flag - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at
over 100Km through the centre of Winnipeg, in a blizzard ... and you were totally
nude?"
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and
calmly said ... "What was the date again?"