Teodora Udrescu feedback to Mica Petcu

Introduction:
1. Has your established the background or has he/she stated the topic? (Justify your answer, give example)
Yes, we know from the first sentence that she will talk about materialism and depression and the connection
that is formed between these two.
2. Does he/she have a clear thesis statement in which he/she clearly states his opinion? (Justify your answer, give
example)
Yes, it is clear and specific enough.
3. Is his/her thesis statement an opinion that can be explained and discussed? Does it communicate clearly the
main idea of his/her essay? Does it communicate what he/she is going to demonstrate clearly? (Justify your
answer, give example)
The opinion can be explained and discussed and it interests the reader more because it is clearly stated that
shes going to talk about a social problem. She states the issue even clearer in the next sentences: Depression
appears because of the lack of money or the desire to earn more. Also, because of the need to obtain, or
maintain a certain level of life. (there are a few language mistakes that I pointed out in the original
document).
4. What techniques has he/she used to attract the reader? (optional) (Justify your answer, give example)
maybe putting the thesis statement first and it being a short sentence, that also contains some words with great
impact on the reader.
I would eliminate the last sentence of the introductory paragraph, it seems irrelvant to me or, at least, too
vague.

Main body:
1. Has he/she written clear, well-developed paragraphs? (Justify your answer, give example)
There are some minor language inaccuracies that I pointed out, but, other than that, they are clear and well-
developed (each paragraph has its own idea and arguments and they seem pretty relevant)
I think that the 3
rd
paragraph could use more connection to the main idea of the essay. The point is not to prove
that useless products are being promoted it todays society, but that the large variety of them induces
materialism and not being able to own them causes depression (this is how I would structure my argument)
5. Does he/she have a topic sentence and sufficient supporting evidence (justifications and reasons)? (Justify your
answer, give example)
Yes, you clearly see the topic sentences and they reflect the paragraphs: Everyone is equal in rights and
obligations ; One of the problem in today`s society is another fight: between the true supply and the
demand of products; Now, everyone is judged only on their appearance and possessions.
she has given examples (the example with the school uniform is very good because it is general enough for the
reader to be able to relate to it) to prove her point, while also using scientifical data.
Conclusion:
6. Has he/she concluded his/her essay by restating his/her thesis statement? Has he/she summarized his/her
results? Is his/her conclusion sufficiently developed? (Justify your answer, give example)
Yes, it is a rephrasing of the thesis stament and the fact that she included some kind of advice for the reader
makes it more relatable
Linking words and expressions:
7. Has he/she used appropriate linking words/phrases to join the sentences within a paragraph? (Justify your
answer, give example)
she might have used more linking words for cause-effect and she overused phrases/words that are synonyms
with now, nowadays, etc.
Formal style:
8. Is he/she objective, impersonal and formal? (Justify your answer, give example)
yes, besides the last sentence of the 1
st
paragraph, in my opinion What strikes is the fact that everyone seems willing
to pay the price.
9. Has he/she avoided using short forms, colloquial expressions (idioms, phrasal verbs, etc.)? Has he/she avoided
strong, emotional language? Has he/she avoided examples drawn exclusively from personal experience? (Justify
your answer, give example)
Yes, the language is formal and clear, with little to none emotional implications. she used general examples and
also statistics (The National Institute of Statistics and a website)
Content
10. Has he/she achieved his/her task? Has he/she demonstrated his/her thesis? Any irrelevant details that may not
help his/her demonstration? Number of words? (Justify your answer, give example)
I think she achieved her task. I dont see many irrelevant elements, but I think she could work on linking the
arguments to the thesis statement as I formerly stated
Clarity
11. Is his/her essay clear and easy to follow? Why?
Its easy to follow because the paragraphs are well-structured (the examples and arguments are related to the
topic sentence)


Anything that you really liked about the essay? You must find something that you like!
interesting topic
connected to the contemporary society
might really achieve its task by making us more aware of things we already know, but need to acknowledge at a
deeper level
nice connection between what is materialism for kids and how adults themselves promote materialism, thus
leading to depression