Meet Amir Zoghi

Intuitive Warrior

Masculine and
Feminine in
Co-creation

Individualism
Destroying
Relationships

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Home Welcome About Navigation Contents 1
Meet The Intuitive Warrior
Amir Zoghi
Helping people find their intuitive voice, is
Amirs life passion. Karen Halabi talks with
the Warrior in an exclusive interview for PDT
Mag. Learn why hes giving you access to his
weekend programs for FREE!


In Search of You - 8 Places You
Should NOT Be Looking & Why
Stay away from rabbit holes that lead to
dead ends. Learn eight of the most common
places people get lost when they search for
their true self. Avoid the traps that prevent
you from finding your true self



Individualism is Destroying
Relationships.
Are you in bed with a narcissist? Discover
why so many relationships don't give
partners the connection and support they
want and need. Francis Amaroux helps
you step into the nurturing supportive
space of interdependent relationships.


The Eternal Dance. Masculine and
Feminine in Co-creation.
When these dynamic energies combine in
balanced intercourse the creative power of
the universe goes to work in your business,
your artistic projects and your life at large.
Neroli Makim explains how to use these
energies to your advantage.

Home Welcome About Navigation Contents 2
Pay Attention to Your Feelings
and Your Inner Voice
Listening to your inner world is an important
part of creating an authentic life. Marissa
Hakansson shares how your body, feelings,
and intuition can guide you to a better
understanding of who you are, and help you
stay true to ourselves.


Ask the LOVECOACH
Imagine having your very own Love Coach
with you to offer expert advice on all
relationship issues. Francis Amaroux answer
questions sent in by our readers. She deals
with some thorny and complex challenges
that readers face.


Reverse Shaming
So little attention has been given to shame
in mainstream psychotherapy and self-help
movements, that many of us dont even
recognize it as an emotion, let alone a key
factor underlying the manifestation of other
emotions and behaviors. Jessica Bahr
shares her insights into this relationship
busting behavior.


What is personal development?
Weve republished an article from a earlier
edition of this magazine. We hope it gives
our first time readers an understanding of
how we view personal development. Its a
big subject that covers all aspects of self
improvement from work place skills to self
realisation and enlightenment.
A
boy from Chatswood High who
had a company go bust and then
founded the hugely successful Global
One Events, Amir Zoghi found, after
hed made lots of money and
achieved the success hed dreamed
of, complete with the fast cars, women,
flash apartments and so on, that it wasnt
enough. Something was still missing. He
sold his company, let everything go and
famously pondered for three years
while his bank balance slowly dwindled.
Amir Zoghi first leapt to prominence in the film
The Leap, the only Aussie representative in a movie
described as a follow up to The Secret. At the time
he was only in his 20s, overweight and emerging
from his own personal crisis.
Meet the
Intuitive
Warrior
BY KAREN HALABI
In the ensuing years, however, hes
become a global speaker, with his
seminar WTF (What the Fuck, or the
Wisdom Truth and Freedom Experi-
ence) attracting large audiences in
Australia, NZ and the US.

Karen Halabi went to find out what
Amir Zoghi discovered in those three
years that is worth sharing. In this
Q&A, she talks with the man who calls
himself The Intuitive Warrior.

Karen: Amir. You say that you were
very spiritual from an early age, and
youve also said that you learnt a lot
of what you talk about from your
mother; that she was your greatest
inspiration, and that she set you on
this path. What can you tell us about
your mother?

Amir: My Mums a great inspiration in
my life. Shes not only been able to
support me in reaching deep within
myself to find wisdom, but she has
been someone who has taken the
steps before me and been an example
of everything that Ive been searching
for, and that is to reach our infinite
potential. It is not to be living here as
a limited being. I think we all came
here to transcend our finite-
ness and experience what it
means to be infinite. Her love has
been to raise children who are
conscious.

Shes always been a seeker of truth
since a very young age. She had a lot
of different spiritual experiences and
shes always been someone whos
been on the path of truth. She
explored different philosophies and
religions, but didnt find what she was
looking for because theyre all just
pointing to the truth. To be the truth,
you need to realise your inner
religion, your inner philosophy...
your inner truth. You cant read
about it; you have to become it.
You cant hear about it; youve got
to become it. Truth is not some-
thing you can be taught or some-
thing you can learn. Its something
you have got to experience.

Karen: Okay, so what about you? What
you do today, is that what you would call
spiritual development or personal
development? How do you describe it?

Amir: You know, I dont like to describe
it. Its a funny thing because its neither.
All these things that have a label are
what I like to call versions of the truth
and versions of the truth cannot be
applied. You cannot live with versions of
the truth. You can know it, you can
speak about it, you can teach it, and you
can write about it, but you cant live it. I
always like to say that we have religion
and philosophy and then we have
science, but somewhere in the middle,
where it can no longer be defined, we
have truth. Even me using the word to
define it as truth, its now become
limited... you cant live it.
So, what Im talking about is not to be
categorised or to be put on the shelf of

Amir Zoghi
Truth of the Day
Its only when youre open to all pos-
sibilities and willing to surrender will
you be allowed to truly experience
the power that lies within.
- Amir Zoghi
personal development or even
philosophy, because its not.

Karen: So what do you mean?

Amir: Im talking about living the
truth. The very first thing I say to
people wherever I do my talks is to
not try to understand what Im talking
about. You cant understand the
truth. Why? The truth is infinite
and you can only understand
something thats finite. You
cannot understand it. You cannot
define it. You cannot put it on a
shelf or try and label it. The
moment youve done that, its
gone.

So, Im not dissing all those
different paths of science, religion,
spirituality and personal development.
These are all what I call versions of
the truth. But versions of the truth are
not the truth, they are merely
pointing to the truth.

Karen: You are very scathing of other
personal development gurus and
seminars and of the whole phenome-
non it creates of seminar junkies and
also those speakers who you say,
dont walk the talk. Are you walking
the talk and how are your programs
and seminars different?

Amir: There is a purpose and a space
for everything that exists in this
universe, including all the personal
development programs. But, the
people that come to me are looking for
something different. I generally get a lot
of people, who have gone through a lot
of these personal development programs
or spiritual trainings and so on, and
theyre still not there. The people that
come to my seminars are people who no
longer want to do any more seminars.

How are my seminars different? My
seminars are not about finding the
answers. Theyre not about finding a
tool, a technique, a method, or a path
that is going to better your life. People
go to these personal development
seminars because they feel theres
something missing, somethings not
whole, somethings not complete and
they feel that what is missing isnt in
the physical world.

So they go to these courses that will
teach them how to improve themselves,
so that they can improve their lives.
My seminars are not about fixing
improving or changing your life,
they are about finding yourself.

Karen: You often say in your WTF
seminar that this is the only seminar you
will ever need. That people dont need to
keep going to seminars or doing courses.
That we already know what we need to
know and that we are already everything
we need to be. We are just getting in
our own way. Why is it then that people
struggle so much, and why do their lives
seem to fall apart while they are
searching on the path before they come
back together again?
Amir Zoghi
Amir: First of all, its an assumption
that peoples lives have to fall apart.
There is no right path. There is no,
this is what you are going to experi-
ence; this is what you are going to
find. But what I can tell you is that to
really find yourself, to grasp who you
are, you must let go of who you think
you are. When I say, who you think
you are, Im talking about your
physical experience of being separate
from all that is.

The moment you perceive yourself to
be a physical being in the physical
world, thats separate. The moment
you perceive yourself to be separate
from who you are, that creates a
dilemma. Thats what creates the,
lets call it, resistance. Because
either youre infinite or youre finite.
The finite part of you cannot under-
stand that youre infinite. So, for
someone whos trying to grasp this as
a finite being, they cant. And the
finite being tries to understand things,
it analyses things. So, I dont think
peoples lives need to fall apart, thats
just an assumption.

Amir: One of the things that happens
when youre on this, lets just call it a
path, is that you start to become
more aware of things. So, as you start
to become more aware of things, you
start to realise some of the things that
are already going on and then you go,
Oh! My life is falling apart! No, it
was always falling apart; you were
just good at keeping it together. But
maybe there is a part of you thats
getting tired of keeping it together
because you are looking for the part
of you that doesnt need to keep it
together, because the infinite part of
you or, lets call it the authentic part
of you, doesnt need to keep things
together. We only need to keep things
together because were hiding some-
thing.

Karen: In your seminars, you also say
that you came to where you are through
a process of self-realisation, not through
reading a book or taking a seminar
necessarily, or by following a prescription
that someone else laid down for you. Do
your followers, or the people who come
to your seminars, go through their own
process? Why do they need to come to
the seminars? Is it that some-one should
do this for themselves or do they need
to go to seminars to help them?

Amir: People yearn for something more
and that yearning is coming from a part
of them that is calling them to realise
who they are, lets just say, from their
authentic selves. I had that. I had the
yearning for something more, something
that wasnt complete, just like everyone
else. Something was not grounding me,
Amir Zoghi
Truth of the Day
Dont wait for the perfect moment, take
the moment and make it perfect.
- Amir Zoghi
Sometimes when things are falling apart
they might actually be falling into place.
not bringing me to feel like I was
here. I was always looking to be
somewhere else. If someone has got
the yearning, they will create some
form of support in their lives. I was
lucky to have my mother. Other
people seek out seminars that will
support them along the path.

Karen: So thats all they are - a form
of support on the path?
Amir: Yes, the seminars, especially
the WTF experience, are not about
getting people to find answers. It is
getting people to experience that
feeling that has been speaking to
them probably all their lives: That
they are more - not that they could
be more - but they are more.

The WTF experience is about getting
people to become familiar with that
feeling thats always been there. The
only reason that I can ignite that
feeling in people is because those
feelings were already there. The WTF
experience is about realising that
feeling is real, its a validation that
what they felt, somewhere deep
inside of them, is real. Thats all. Then
its up to them to follow that feeling.
You have to follow it to your heart; to
your authentic self. You are following
it to do the things that are true for
you, to take the mask off and free your-
self from fear or agendas. So thats all
that weekends about. It is just getting
them to feel, Yeah. I feel that, and its
real, but now what?

Karen: So what is it that were all
seeking and why are we seeking it?

Amir: Ourselves.

Karen: Ourselves?

Amir: Yes, because thats the only thing
that is missing.

Karen: The only thing?

Amir: Yes, we are seeking ourselves
through our physical experiences.
Everything that we are looking for in this
world is ourselves. Our world is a
reflection of ourselves. Thats why when
you try to fix, improve or change your
storyline, the effect is temporary,
because you havent found yourself.
When you find yourself, when you realise
yourself, then the storyline changes. It
becomes about playing. It becomes
about expressing who you are. But when
you dont know who you are, its all
about looking to become more. Because
you feel who you are is small. Its about
becoming more, searching for more,
Amir Zoghi
seeking more knowledge, more
money, more power, more sex, more
food, everything more, more, more
When you realise who you are, you no
longer need more and its no longer
about obtaining more, its about
expressing your more-ness if thats
even a word. Its about expressing
your greatness. Its not about being
great or becoming great. Its about
bringing this feeling of greatness that
is within you into your everyday life.

Karen: How?

Amir: Through form, through your
relationships, your work, your career,
your health, everything.

Karen: Whats the one common thing
that you see people struggling with or
what is the main challenge you notice
people have? What stands out to
you? They all have their issues and
dramas. Whats the one common
thread that stands out to you?

Amir: They all lie.

Karen: They all lie?

Amir: They are the greatest liars.
They lie to themselves. Its a big lie
that youve convinced yourself that
you are small. Its a big lie that youve
convinced yourself that you cant
experience your greatness. Its a big
lie that you convince yourself that you
could run out of love or you may not
have enough love. Its a big lie and
people are big liars.

Karen: Is that what you mean when
you say people are full of shit?

Amir: Yeah, theyre full of shit. Once
you buy that lie, you then become full
of shit and then you manipulate and
convince yourself that this lie is true so
then you manipulate all your stories to
support you in this being true. The
manipulation happens only with
ourselves. We think we are manipulating
others, but really we are manipulating
ourselves to believe our lie. Thats, to
answer your question, the common
thread.

Karen: Alright, so basically, youre a bit
of a shit exterminator?

Amir: Yes, I stir the shit. I dont
exterminate, I stir. You know, I dont get
people to find the truth, I get them to
experience I stir things. When I get up
on stage, Im either stirring the truth so
that feeling of infinity, their authentic
self, gets stirred. Or, sometimes, whats
in the way gets stirred and thats the
shit. If I say to someone, Youre great
and they have a lot of power in not
being great, then their shit gets stirred.

Karen: Aahh, I see.

Amir: But thats all I do. Im just
stirring.

Karen: Why do you keep doing what
you are doing? Whats your motivation?
Why do you keep doing this?

Amir: Because I love it, I absolutely
fucking love it.
Amir Zoghi
Karen: What do you love about it?

Amir: I love that its true. I love that
what I share is true and I dont need
to lie. I dont need to be someone
else. I love that I can be myself.
Really, it is all about me. Its about me
being myself. Its about me speaking
what feels true for me and that
evokes things in other people. People
are impacted by that and then they
may think, Well, Im changing
peoples lives. And that may be and
thats wonderful, but you know, I love
what I do for me, not for anyone else.
I know that doesnt sound like the
loving thing because people think its
all about the service, but no, its really
all about yourself and what feels true
for you.

I love the feeling I have of where this
can go. I love reaching into peoples
hearts and I love to share this. When
you really love something the next
thing to do is share what you love.
I love to be able to share it with the
people who come to our free
programs, whether they are watching
it live or watching it online.

Karen: In fact, I understand that you
are doing your seminars now for free,
your live seminars for free and giving
them away online too.

Amir: Yes. Ive always felt to share
this with people, without limiting it to
their perception of their financial
circumstances (even though its not
true, its their perception.) Ive always
wanted to have it accessible for
anyone who wants it and thats what
Ive done. Intuitive Warrior and WTF are
now available online for free. Its
awesome to be able to also support my
clients - the people who get coaching,
mentoring and training from us.

Karen: So whats your motivation? Why
is it youre doing that? Can you explain?

Amir: Ive always wanted to do it. Ill
tell you what my judgemental motivation
is - or was. I worked in an industry that,
supposedly, is about improving other
peoples lives. I found a lot of lies in that
industry. Its not about improving other
peoples lives, its about improving our
pockets. When I realised that, I
experienced a judgement of that. So,
what drove me at the beginning was
that I loved to do something thats
completely opposite. So, at the
beginning, what started me to share this
stuff with people, without limiting it to
their financial circumstances was purely
because I was judgemental. That was
just my own stuff. It had nothing to do
with anyone else. But as I resolved that
charge I had against others, I became
free to share it in whatever form I
wanted to share it. So, I just came back
Amir Zoghi
Truth of the Day
Never underestimate the power of being you,
the power that only you have access to. The
power that you lose when you pretend to be
someone other than you.
- Amir Zoghi

around full circle to being able to
share it with whoever wants to
receive it.

I love to do that, especially when
someone comes to a live event. At
any time they can walk out, but very
few people do. But they dont feel
obligated to stay, because they didnt
pay for it. When someones paid for
something, they feel obligated to
stay: Well Ive paid for this, Id
better stay. I find the ones who are
really looking for this. Its a lot more
joyful when I am connecting and
sharing with the people who really
want this, who were like me. Not the
people who think, Oh this is nice,
this could be the new way, but the
people who have come to realise that
the way they are living is no longer
the way.

I relate that to myself because I got
to a point where I said, This is not
the way. I experienced failure. I
experienced success and didnt find
what I was looking for either. So, I
started to look for something more
and thats when I was ready. If I had
then found my seminar, thats the
person I was looking for. If I just hear,
Oh wow! theres this big power I can
get from listening to this guy speak,
thats not it. Theyre not ready yet. So, I
find that I naturally draw the people who
are meant to be there, rather than the
people who think they should be there. I
just love to share it, but only with those
who are looking for it. Im not looking to
convince everybody.

Karen: Finally, Amir weve spoken about
other people, and other peoples
challenges. What are your challenges?
Do you have any?

Amir: I feel that my challenges are in
passing this onto others. Thats why it is
so important to find the right people, in
particular, my team. Its very important
to have the person whos ready to be
working with me in my team rather than
just somebody who is going to get
results. Im not interested in that. Im
interested in a person whos ready to
live this way, live as their authentic
infinite self.

So, my next greatest challenge has come
about in how do I get someone else to
see what I see or to feel what I feel?
This is stuff that Im
continuously training
people in. This encour-
ages me to keep going
deeper. I run advanced
training programs like the
OMG and OMG Intensive,
for example. I love doing
that because it puts me
on the spot to go,
Alright, speak exactly
what you are on about.
Amir Zoghi
On stage at the Intuitive Warrior Event
The challenge is to get someone else
to not only see it, but to experience it
to the level that I am, so that they
can actually live it. Thats the
challenge. The challenge is to find
others to actually live this, and that
was my challenge for many years.
Yes, I know its true how I feel, but to
actually allow myself to feel it. I know
whats true for me, but to actually be
able to get other people to live it. I
know whats true to say, but to
actually be able to say it. That was
my original challenge. Thats not my
challenge any more.

My challenge is now is, how do I get
someone to not only know this, but to
actually be able to completely become
this, to actually live this? And I love
that challenge. I love it because it
forces me to go deeper and deeper
and deeper, to reach deeper to the
point where I could define this. I love
it thats my art. To be able to not
only live it, but to be able to define it
and the more I will myself to live this,
the greater I can articulate what I am
living in words, and thats art. To put
into words something that cannot be
described in words...its like my art.
Thats like me painting my picture.
Thats what I love.

Karen: So its your art?

Amir: Even my business is my art. Its
not about business, its not about
profits or losses or meeting targets
or plans No! Its about my art. Its
about, how can I paint this feeling
inside of me that I feel in my products
and services and get people to feel
what Im feeling? Just like an artist. An
artist will take a feeling; put it on a
canvas and other people will get that
feeling. Other people will look at the
picture and feel it. Thats all. Yeah, thats
all business is for me. Thats what any
business person or any person who does
anything in their life tries to do but they
get lost in all the profits and...you
know...being safe, being secure and not
taking risks or taking too much risk, and
other agendas.

Karen: Oh yes, agendas. On that note
well finish up. Thank you, Amir Zoghi,
the Intuitive Warrior.



Karen Halabi is a former newspaper
editor who has written for numerous
newspapers and magazines both in
Australia and overseas. Currently
freelancing as a travel writer and
photo-journalist, she has worked as
an editor, journalist, sub-editor, book
editor and PR and media consultant.
In a varied career, Karen has edited three Australian
magazines as well as Sydney Weekly, been a subeditor
for both the Herald and Telegraph, launched and
designed magazines, been an editorial consultant for
Tourism Australia and a PR consultant for Emirates.

Amir Zoghi
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In Search of You
In Search of You
8 places you should NOT be looking and why!



BY GREG FITNESS

W
hen did you first ask yourself the question, Who am I? You probably wont
remember but at about age two this question was starting to occur to you.
You wouldn't have been consciously thinking about it, but as your sense of self
started to form, so did the question, Who am I? When you hit the age of puberty
the hormones kicked in, and the need to find out who you were and how others
saw you, became intense. Projecting the right image so that you would be liked by
others, became an all consuming preoccupation. The stakes were high. If you got it
wrong, and nobody liked you, you risked being rejected by family and ostracised by
peer groups. Many young people didn't make it through this trying period of their
life. In 2012 The New York Daily News reported that Nearly 1 in 6 high school
students had seriously considered suicide. It was reported that neuropsychologist
Dr. Hector Adams said, When adolescence and children feel embarrassed, it's kind
of like the end of the world for them.

In all countries the number of young people who commit suicide is alarming. And a
major reason for taking their life?they don't like who they are.

As we move on through life the question Who am I is always somewhere in our
mind. Some people stop actively seeking answers but for others, it remains a
burning question that demands an answer. Sadly, for most people the self
remains hidden. There are plenty of gurus and experts who line up to offer
advice, but their message often takes you down a rabbit hole that leads to yet
another dead end. Here are eight places where you will NOT find the answer to
this all important question and the reasons why.

1 Your physical body

Most people reading this magazine recognise that they are not the body. Have you
seen TV programs showing graphic images of medical operations being performed
where you can look right inside the patients body. Damaged body parts are
removed and fitted with an artificial replacement.
This leaves most people with the understanding
that they are more than just the body. With
further advancement in medicine its
predicted that replacement parts will
actually be grown inside the body.
Are we approaching the day when
a patient can have a total body
transplant? Some people might
feel that they are their brain, but
researchers report that it will be
possible to grow new brain parts.
So if your brain can be replaced,
where does that leave you?

2 Others peoples opinions.

One of the first places you begin looking for
yourself is in the opinions of others. Your parents or
care-givers might have started this pattern by telling you that youre a good or
bad. As young children we take the word of an authority figure to be true
because we dont know any different. We identify our self as good/bad girl/boy.
In Search
As you mature it becomes obvious that you shouldnt take what other people say
about you as fact. They are simply seeing your behaviours, and your behaviours
are not you.

3 Your self-image

Some people are so identified with their self image that they see their image as
being who they are. Maxwell Maltz was a highly regarded plastic surgeon who
wrote the book Psycho-cybernetics, first published 1969. He drew public attention
to the role self image plays in shaping ones life. He wrote, Whether we realise it
or not, each of us carries about with us a mental blueprint or picture of our self. It
may be vague and ill-defined to our conscious gaze. In fact, it may not be
consciously recognizable at all. But it is there, complete down to the last detail. He
explains that most of the beliefs we hold about ourselves have been unconsciously
formed from early childhood experiences. From all these we mentally construct a
self (or picture of a self). Once an idea or belief about ourselves goes into this
picture it becomes true, as far as we personally are concerned, writes Maltz.
Many people are so identified with the way they see themselves that they take
their self image to be who they are.

But who is the YOU, who is conceiving and observing the self-image?

4 Your habits and behaviours.

John was a forty one year old artist who had the habit of not listening to other
people when he was in conversation with them. His attention would quickly drift off
the other person and he would start a conversation in his own mind with him-
self. When asked why he never listened to other people, he would reply, thats
just me, its who I am.

Your behaviours, regardless of how habitual they have become, can be changed.
They are not you. Personalities are made up of many different behaviour
patterns. Sometimes these patterns appear contradictory. When you are at work
you may behave in a very quite and conservative manner, but at a party you may
be extroverted, flamboyant, the life of the party. Its like there are two opposite
you(s)--so which one is the true YOU?

5 Personality profiles.

Have you ever done a personality test? When applying for a job you may be asked
to do an aptitude assessment to determine if you are suitable for the position. If
you use online dating services you might be asked to fill out a questionnaire to find
out the type of person you are. This helps the service find a suitable match.
In Search
These tests can be useful to get to know yourself and how your behave in the
world, but they do not reveal the true YOU. They only reveal patterns of
behaviour and the type of person you are, both of which are a result of
conditioning. Even traits that have been handed down from your parents are a
product of environmental conditioning. Even your genes have been programmed as
a result of the environmental conditions experienced by your forbears.

Using psychometric testing, (personality tests) can be a useful way to explore who
you are. They encourage you to observe and become aware of the many subcon-
scious behaviour patterns that are responsible for the way you live your life. The
word personality comes from the Greek word persona, which means a mask. The
many different sides to your personality are only masks you wear to act out a role.

Now heres the point. What you can observe, cannot be the true YOU. The true
YOU is the one watching your different personas play their role on the stage of life.

6 Your mind

Most people believe that they are their mind. Mind is the activity of thoughts.
Ideas, beliefs, judgements and attitudes. If your brain can be compared to a
computer, your mind can be compared to the software, and YOU are quietly
watching the data on the screen of your mind. In meditation you can learn to
observe these thoughts coming and going. Many people today regularly practice
meditation which leads to the realisation that you are not your thoughts. So who is
the observer? Where are YOU?

7 Your values and beliefs

Read any personal development book and you will more than likely come across
the topic of values. Do you have values? What are they? Values are deeply held
beliefs about what is important or desirable. They are expressed through the way
in which you think and behave. You may have heard the term core values. Some
authors claim that these values dictate who you are. They imply that you must get
to know your values and when you do, you will get to know your true self.

Dont be mislead by this claim. Remember, your values are nothing more than
beliefs about whats important to you. Getting to know what you value can be very
useful. What you value is based on deeply held beliefs that cause you to behave
the way you do. These beliefs can be like hypnotic suggestions which very often
have their root deeply implanted in your subconscious. When you become aware of
these beliefs they lose power over you, and you then have choice as to how you
behave. Its no wonder that you might associate values and beliefs with who you
are, because they do influence your every thought and action. The terrorist and
In Search
In Search
the saint do what they do because of their deeply held values and beliefs, but this
is not who they truly are. We know this because beliefs can be changed and what
you can change cannot be the TRUE YOU. For sure, it might be very difficult to
shift some of these core beliefs, but it can be done. There are effective methods
available today that can help you break free from the limitation of beliefs. The
Lofty Method is an effective approach to this problem. Nuro Linguistic Program-
ming (NLP) also offers some useful methods for busting limiting beliefs. Classical
meditation is said to be the royal road to releasing beliefs. In deep meditation
you gain true knowledge and beliefs fall away as you have direct experience of
who you truly are.

8 Religions and philosophies

The search for YOU leads many seekers to study religious philosophies and join all
manner of groups; churches, cults, covens, orders, secret societies. Each group
has their own formula for finding the TRUE YOU but something is clearly wrong
here. Each group has its own prescribed path but with so many different and
conflicting beliefs the sincere seeker of self knowledge can get very confused.
Most of the belief systems that these groups follow stem from original insights
that were revealed to individuals. These individuals then attempted to pass their
insights to others, but these deep insights are beyond the capacity of the rational
thinking mind to understand, and over time the truth of the message gets lost.

The human mind can be described in two ways. There is the intellectual mind that
computes information by moving from one perceived fact to another, so-called
discursive or deductive thinking. This type of mental activity is seen in science,
philosophy and also in daily life. Then there is the intuitive mind that enables you
to grasp existence as ONE and with practice, it enables you to know yourself, not
as an individual identity, but as being ONE with all things. This mind communi-
cates through feelings and is said to speak through the heart. It is this level of
mind that reveals knowledge about the TRUE YOU.

You might like to think of this in terms of the right brain/left brain model. With
most people, holistic creative thinking happens in the right brain and logical think-
ing happens in the left brain. Research has shown that language is related to the
logic of the left brain. Communicating with words is not a function of the holistic
mind and so words cannot be easily used when talking about the true self.
Finding YOU is a search that must be guided by feeling. And so here is where
you encounter another problem; most people are a boiling soup of ever changing
feelings so how can feeling help find YOU? Knowing which feelings to pay
attention to is like standing in a crowded bar where everyone is talking loudly and
your friend is trying to whisper you a secret.

In Search

That secret usually gets misunderstood, and that misunderstanding gets passed on
to others... Then everyone goes to war insisting that they know the true secret.

The search for you ends with YOU

The problem encountered when you look for YOU is; that which you are looking for,
is that which is doing the looking. Youre like a giant eye ball floating around looking
for yourself. No matter how much you look, you can never turn around and see
yourself.

You have to stop looking, be quite, be still, and feel your presence. Dont make
pictures in your mind. Dont let thoughts distract you. When you are distracted by
thoughts, just return to the feeling of YOU. Dont become interested in various
feelings. Just feel YOUR PRESENCE. This is the original feeling. This is as close as
you will get to finding YOU. Dont try to grasp this intellectually. Be that feeling, and
in the words of Nisargadarta, a great Indian sage, all will be revealed. Now youre
in the right place to find YOU.




You have to ask yourself the question
Who am I? This investigation will
lead in the end to the discovery of
something within you which is behind
the mind. Solve that great problem
and you will solve all other problems.
Remana Maharshi
Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
Aristotle
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the
service of others.
Mahatma Gandhi
Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.
Lewis Carroll
At the centre of your being you have the answer;
you know who you are and you know what you want.
Lao Tzo
And you? When will you begin that long journey into
you self?
Rumi
BY NEROLI MAKIM

U
ltimately, there is no masculine and feminine, there is just One energy
Source energy. And ultimately, the creative process works best if you connect
to Oneness and rock out your life from this place. However, whilst living and
operating in duality, sometimes it can be useful to look at the 2 energies of
masculine and feminine. Doing this helps to see where you may be over active in
one and too passive in another. It also helps you understand why your own
creative process isnt flowing.

To begin with, Ill give a brief description of the masculine and feminine
energy, then describe how they work and what they look like when under
utilized, over utilized or working in harmony.



Hi there, nice to be connecting with you again dear
reader. In todays article following on from last months
on creativity, were going to look at the role of the
masculine and feminine in the process of creation.
The Eternal Dance
Masculine and Feminine in Co-creation

Active vs Passive

Essentially, masculine is a highly active, thinking and doing energy and feminine
is a receptive, feeling and allowing energy. Feminine energy is much like the
Void, the empty space from which all things come; inspiration, creativity, all of life.

Feminine energy is soft, open and full of potential to create but both energies
need each other. Think of it like conceiving a child; both male and female
elements are essential for the creation of a human life. The receptive feminine
needs the active masculine element of thought, word and action to move through
the creative phases from empty space to inspiration then creation. Masculine
energy takes the inspiration that is being drawn from the collective or super
conscious by the feminine and turns it into something we can perceive with our
senses rather than an intangible vibration.

When He Wears The Pants

A disconnect between the masculine and feminine leads to an over drive in one of
the energy types. Masculine energy in overdrive is when thinking and activity is
allowed to run rampant. Whether its mental or physical activity, masculine energy
can become brutal when in over drive. Excessive thinking, overly analyzing,
strategizing and constant mental chatter is an example of an overdrive of the
masculine.

Another example is if you are in a state of physical activity that comes from a
forcing current rather than a place of inspired action. When you have to do
something in life that you dont want to, but feel like you have to, you generally
go into a forcing current of masculine energy to get the job done. This means
you over-ride your feelings, including not wanting to do something and literally
force yourself to do it.

Engaging in this kind of energy makes you physically, mentally and emotionally
hard as it disconnects you from your heart which is your centre for feeling and
stops you being in the present moment. Being present leads to feeling which
leads to an open heart. To be present means you have to embody the stillness
and silence of the feminine receptive energy and feel your feelings. You cant be
present and feel if youre locked in a state of hard masculine over drive thats
pushing you out of feeling and therefore out of presence.

My Recent Encounter With My Inner Sergeant Major

If this sounds difficult to understand, Ill give you an example of my experience of
being locked in masculine overdrive recently. I was just about to travel overseas,
The Dance

The Dance


and I had to pack up my belongings from the apartment I was renting and move
out the day before I flew. It was a pretty big job and I didnt have anyone to help
me. (Had I been more open and receptive in my feminine, Im sure I would have
created a very different experience for myself.)

So, I felt pretty uninspired by the task at hand, it definitely felt like something I
had to do. In order to get the job done, I locked myself into a hard forcing
current of, just get the job done! Dont think about it, dont feel anything, just do
it! Action - action - action!

Heres the problem, all too often, when we lock ourselves into either a hard,
forcing current or an overly passive, receptive energy, we can lose touch with what
it feels like to be in a healthy balanced place where the two energies flow together
to become One.

In my case, I had no idea how locked into masculine energy I was until a few days
later I visited a traditional Balinese healer. He kept pressing different pressure
points on my body and only the right/masculine side of my body showed up
sensitivity and pain because it had been in over drive the whole time, and probably
a lot of the time before that as well. Very kindly, he cleared the blocks and
stagnant energy in my system and got it flowing again nicely.

Western Cultures Unhealthy Obsession

Its interesting to note in western culture how we have collectively applauded and
encouraged an over drive in masculine energy. Theres even the infamous
advertising slogan splashed all over t-shirts, caps, tv and the internet, Just do it,
not to mention the constant catch cry of go-getters calling us to take action. An
incessant fascination with being locked in an overactive masculine energy means
that collectively, we have a distinct lack of connection to Presence, which in turn
means we have a distinct lack of connection to our feelings. Collectively, any
society that values the masculine energy above the feminine closes its heart and is
less receptive to experience its connection to Divinity and inspiration from Source,
hence, creativity suffers and so do we.

When The Lady Of The House Takes Over

So thats what an overdrive in masculine energy looks like, which leaves us to look
at the feminine. Essentially, when the feminine is out of balance with the
masculine, you become too passive. Its almost as if you can become stuck or lost
in feeling and never come out of the emptiness of the void to do anything. Again,
this is something I can be guilty of as well as getting stuck in my masculine. I love
to meditate. For me, spending time sitting in stillness and

silence can be a great pleasure. But at times I find myself sitting there thoroughly
enjoying the stillness, silence and emptiness to the point where I dont want to get
up and do anything. And that can be fine, most of the time, we do too much
senseless activity anyway.

However, so many times in life Ive felt inspired to take action on countless creative
ideas and inspirations but rather than trust, surrender and allow the energy of
creation to flow through me, I get stuck in fear and stagnate in blocked action. This
stops the energy from flowing from the feminine receptive state to the active
masculine state. The result is a closing of my heart and blocking the flow of Divine
energy through my body and mind.

Insecurity and Distrust Or Graceful Dancing?

A key reason for blocking the flow of Source energy through me is an insecurity and
distrust of self and a distrust of Source energy to provide for me in whatever ways
necessary to bring the creative inspiration to fruition. All too often, instead of
dancing between the feminine energy of feeling and allowing and moving into
inspired action, I muddle around in one or the other, stagnating or spinning my
wheels. Whenever I lose the connection to my heart and move away from the
present moment, I interfere with the flow of Source energy and lose my step in the
dance.

The Power Of One

The power of One comes into play when you trust the energy of Source, and
surrender and allow it to move through you. Then the perfect balance of feminine
and masculine energy melds to become One. When you embody the stillness,
silence and receptivity of the feminine, Divine inspiration drops into the void. By
remaining deeply in the present moment and therefore keeping your heart open,
you can sense the guidance that tells you what action to take and you take it
without fear.

So you see how you move from the feminine to the masculine, from receptive to
active in a fluid and eternal dance. Your open heart and being present keeps you
from closing off from this on-going guidance, it also allows you to take action
without feeling afraid. Very few people feel safe stepping into the unknown, let
alone diving or free-falling into it. But this is exactly what is required of you in the
creative process.

The Secret Of The Blank Canvas

Whether youre making a piece of art or creating a business, you have to work with
The Dance


a blank canvas. Working with a blank canvas means staring into the empty space
and waiting to be inspired (being silent and sitting in the void - feminine), then
following that inspiration and allowing it to guide you as to what marks to make or
what steps to take (masculine - action). You cant create a Divinely inspired,
original masterpiece if youve traced the outline of something either you or
someone else made before on the canvas and then color in the lines or fudge
together something over the top of it. Thats what we do when we dont trust and
allow ourselves to fall into the unknown and be guided by the invisible force of
Creation.

Trying to avoid trusting and surrendering to the unknown does not create a
masterpiece in any area of life. This creates a pale imitation of a masterpiece,
disconnects you from the energy of Source and usually brings your creative
process to a grinding halt...Until you bring yourself back to Presence and open
your heart gain.

The Last Word On A Graceful Dancer

A final note Id like to make about the eternal dance between the masculine and
feminine energy and its role in the creative process is that one person whom Ive
observed dancing with great dexterity is Amir Zoghi. Whilst attending some of
Amirs programs, Ive observed how fluidly and masterfully he embodies both
elements of the masculine and feminine and allows them to move through him in
an unhindered flow of creative expression. Its really something to watch, and can
be seen when he speaks on stage.

When he stands there, particularly when asked a question by the audience, rather
than reach for some prescribed answer, he will usually stand in silence and wait
for the answer to rise out of the stillness within. He allows himself to be guided by
the inspiration from within and expresses according to the guidance in that
moment. Its a great example of seeing the dance between the feminine and
masculine and seeing how they meld together to become an expression of One.

Of course, its a good idea to look at your own life as well and find out where you
allow yourself to experience this flow. Just a hint, if you are terrified of not know-
ing, and if you need to know what, how and where everything fits in and falls into
place before you can take action, then some dance practice may be in order :)
The Dance
Article by Neroli Makim . Neroli completed a bachelor degree in fine arts focusing
on a variety of disciplines. She is an author and intuitive artist who loves
exploring Creativity and its relationship to personal fulfillment and professional
success. She educates people about Creativity, what it is, why its important and
how to access it within themselves.
For more information, visit yourcreativesuccess.com


The power of One comes into
play when you trust the energy of
Source, and surrender and allow it to
move through you. Then the perfect
balance of feminine and masculine
energy melds to become One.

Whether youre making a piece of art or creating a business, you have to work
with a blank canvas. Working with a blank canvas means staring into the empty
space and waiting to be inspired (being silent and sitting in the void - femi-
nine), then following that inspiration and allowing it to guide you as to what
marks to make or what steps to take (masculine - action).
Archetypal Masculine & Feminine Forces
Understanding the duality of the masculine and the
feminine is said to be the keys to creation.
Learn how 84 year old Burt Goldman accesses his
Alternate Universe
to achieve amazing creative results.


What if you could meet the highly creative you, and learn how to access your crea-
tive genius even if you think your not very creative.

What if you got the chance to talk with musical you and learnt how to play the
guitar like a pro even if you have never strummed a note in your life before.

What if you could hangout with the painter sculptor or designer that youve always
dreamt of being and learned to create your own master piece. Burt Goldman will
show you how to do exactly that. He uses an advanced visualization technique that
trains you to jump into your creative genius.

In the past few years 84 year old Burt has accomplished a number of things that
most people couldn't achieve in a life time.

He took up painting just before his 80th birthday and in just a few short years his
paintings hang in museums around the world. With no previous knowledge of
photography he pioneered a new style that resulted in his photographs being
shown in galleries world wide.

Burt has written many books individually and a multi million dollar book co authored
with the legendary Jose Silver. In later life Burt used his technique to start an online
movement and has grown a web community of over 300.000 members.

How did this normal senior citizen access such out pouring of creativity in just a few
years he jumps into alternate universes.

Its the technique that has served as the backbone of many of his life's accomplish-
ments. Its changed the lives of many of my students for the better and can do the
same for any one says Burt. You can try Quantum Jumping yourself at no cost.
Burt offers a free introductory course which you can get right now and start
accessing your creative genius.

Get the FREE Quantum Jumping Course tap here.

BY FRANCES AMAROUX

H
ow often have you heard someone say these sort of things, and even accept
them as valid, and then find yourself caught in a confusing and impossible
situation in a relationship?

We have much to thank Psychology for. It gave us all sorts of amazing concepts like
Self Esteem and Boundaries and Co-Dependency ... concepts that feel very familiar
to us and have become the every day language for many people. These concepts
How Individualism is
Destroying Relationships.
Why should I have to change to please you? he says.
Isnt love unconditional? You should accept me as I am.
are based on the idea of Individualism that its important to have a Self, a
clearly defined Identity to call your own.

Its hard to believe however, that historically, this concept of Individualism is
relatively new. For the majority of written history, the focus has been on the
community, not the individual. Some cultures in the past didnt even have a word
for I. What was best for the family, or the community, or the village, or God, was
always more important than the individual. The individual subsumed their self,
their identity, to a greater idea or power. Most relationships were dependency
relationships. Under the patriarchal system women and children were forced to be
dependent upon men, peasants were dependent upon their Lord and Master, and
everyone was dependent upon the whims of nature and God.

However, human consciousness is always constantly evolving. I first came across
this idea yeas ago with Stephen Coveys book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
where he talked about 3 levels of evolution.


Three Levels of Evolution

1 Interdependence
2 Independence
3 Dependence



In the West, (and increasingly in the East, as they embrace Capitalism or Industri-
alism) we live in a world that lauds the 2nd level of Individualism. I did it MY
way !! is one of our most enduring songs. Everywhere we look there is the focus
on the individual... my thoughts, my feelings...My Shopping. Why? Because I
deserve it just for being me, so the TV ad tells you.

The idea that competition is a basic natural human biological motivation, seems to
have been swallowed hook line and sinker by the mainstream. This idea is
erroneously attributed to Darwins work i.e. Survival of the Fittest, and yet, if you
have a closer look at Darwin, he curiously mentions the word Love 97 times.
Curious, because what has love got to do with competition? Not so curious, once
you realise that Darwin was actually saying that human nature is about
competition and ALSO about co-operation. Without Natures immense capacity for
Individualism
creative cooperation, it would never have been so successful and adaptable as it
has been.

Also, does anyone ever actually achieve anything entirely on their own? If you look
closely, it is extremely rare. Grammy award winners, sportspeople, business
people, mountain climbers, and Nick Vujicic, the heroic no limbs international
motivational speaker, wouldnt be there without a team of people supporting them.

And of course, the realm of relationships is inherently a team effort. I may be
stating the obvious, but you cant do a relationship on your own. So we now have
a clash of ideologies. People who are brought up from birth to be competitive I
individuals, are now, somehow magically expected to be team players when they
enter a relationship.

Now back to my mystery man. He made three very important statements :
1. Why should I have to change to please you?
2. Isnt love supposed to be unconditional?
3. You should accept me as I am.

1. Why should I have to change to please you?

Lets start by looking at the opposite. What would happen to the relationship if he
never made an effort to please her... if he never put himself out... If he never
adapted in any way to do or say things that he knew would make her feel happy
and loved. You might wonder why such a relationship would have even started, let
alone continued in any successful way.

If you look at the circles on the next page, you will see that such a person would
be living almost entirely in their own individual circle ... not inhabiting the relation-
ship space, and certainly not stepping into the shoes of their partner. Essentially, a
narcissistic, self focused and ultimately lonely space. Although, in the beginning of
relationships, people with these beliefs, or personality styles, can be very caring
and giving to their partner as long as it suits them and works in their favour.

Now you might say that no-one in their right mind could possibly think like this,
but in all my 22 years as a relationship coach, I have encountered this attitude
enough times to know that this is not an unusual way of thinking. And a great
deal of research is showing that this form of narcissism is on the increase.

One of the major reasons for being in a relationship with another is to expand your
capacities, to become an even grander version of you, than you could be on your
own.
Individualism
So where did this idea come from. One possibility is Co-dependency theories.
These theories, which have a had a huge impact upon western thinking teach us
that, to depend on or need other people, is a sign of low self esteem, submissive-
ness and even moral weakness. The basic assumption being that healthy people
are not supposed to need anyone (or anything).

Though it is important to have a good sense of self to be able to speak up, ask
for what you want and hold clear boundaries, my sense is that we have swung the
pendulum too far towards excessive focus on upholding this individual self.

In contrast, Emotionally focused therapy theory, teaches, the way to save and
enrich a relationship is to re-establish safe emotional connection and preserve the
attachment bond. And you do that by recognising that it is completely healthy to
be emotionally attached and dependent on your partner, in much the same way
that a child is dependent on a parent for nurturing, soothing and protection.
(From Hold Me Tight - by Dr Sue Johnson)

In a nutshell, its completely healthy to need others, and to need behaviours from
them that enable you to feel satisfied and loved in a relationship. Some needs are
deal-breakers, and some are not. And so, blessed are they that know the
difference between the two. Now onto the second question...

2. Isnt love supposed to be unconditional?

Yes and No. Yes, in that we can love someone forever despite their faults or even
the harm they might do but No. Though unconditional love is a wonderful
thing to aim for, and the spiritual part of us knows it to be essentially true.... it just
isn't true for the human embodied aspect of ourselves. We can aim for uncondi-
tional love and even get close to it... but because our highest directive is emotional
Individualism
Frances Amaroux, BA Psych has been in private practice for over 21 years as
a counsellor, coach, family mediator and educator. Specialising in Relationships,
Sexuality, she incorporates her passion for Quantum Physics and Integral Phi-
losophy into a grounded, though light-hearted exploration about how we create
more deep and authentic connections between ourselves, each other and the
planet. She has appeared on TV and radio and is regularly featured in various
magazines ie Cosmopolitan, Body and Soul and Insight. Visit lovecoaching.com


and physical survival of the self, sometimes we just have to make a decision for
the benefit of ourselves and against someone else, and if we dont have that
capacity, we can end up in abusive situations.

For example: Youre in a relationship with a lovely charming, generous partner
who you love deeply, but over time, they starts making sarcastic comments and
undermine you emotionally... then one day, they give you a slap to the face, and
their behaviour gets worse over time, with your partner apologising profusely in
between. Though you love them, at some stage you will be faced with the
agonising decision to love yourself more than you love them... and leave. Yes, you
could even continue to love them, but you cant be in a relationship with them.

3. You should accept me as I am?

This question ties in with the second, and has the same answer Yes and No.
Yes, its your job to accept your partner, and not judge them, and not try to
control or mould them to your ideal fantasy version. However, you also need to be
able to ask for what you want and to meet each others needs. When you truly
step into the Relationship Space, you willingly choose to do (most of) what your
partner asks of you. You dont see it as a slight to your individuality or
sovereignty, you see it as an opportunity to expand all of who you are.

Many men find this more difficult than women, and in a society where the
majority of parenting is still done by women, it is easy for men to mistakenly
perceive their female partner as Mother... They rebel against or reject their
partners requests because they see it as Mum trying to control me.

In essence, healthy relationships prosper when we have a strong sense of
selfindividuality, and are then able to include and transcend that individuality so
we can then connect as conscious, interconnected and interdependent teams,
couples and communities.
Individualism


Marriage! What
gave you that idea?

And I thought she loved me!

ASK THE LOVECOACH

Are we meant to be Monogamous?

If you listen to the evolutionary biologists, no, monogamy isnt natural, because both males
and females are programmed to do whatever they can to get their DNA passed on to future
generations even if it means cheating.
However, I believe that humans are much more than just their biological urges. We are also
moral and spiritual beings.

People who explore Polyamory, contend that we are capable of loving more than one person at
a time. And though its possible, its quite rare that humans at this time on our planet have the
capacity to do this, as it takes enormous consciousness to achieve.

I love Robert Augustus Masters work where he talks about Mature Monogamy where we
choose monogamy as a path to liberation, as a path to deeper and deeper intimacy with a
chosen other. The very act of closing the door to others, creates the crucible for more safety,
more vulnerability, more growth and more love.
Letters to THE LOVECOACH
Your questions on sex and relationships answered by Frances Amaroux BA Psych.

ASK THE LOVECOACH Q&A
I have just broken up my third marriage, and am dealing with the
emotional and financial aftermath. I just feel very tired and cynical and
wonder if I can ever attempt a proper relationship ever again?

Firstly, I can really get just how exhausted you feel. At this stage in your healing
process, the thought of having another painful relationship can feel overwhelming and
maybe not even desirable. Many people feel tempted at this stage to imagine that they
are only going to be open to part time relationships from now on ie nothing too
committed. Unfortunately, the less committed you are to a relationship, the higher
the likelihood of misunderstandings and lack of connection and therefore more
heartbreak, and a higher likelihood of breaking up after a short time.

So best not to rush things and just trust that when the time is right and some learning
and healing has happened, you will naturally start to feel more open to dating or
having a relationship again.

One of the most important things that frees people up to try love again, is to take full
responsibility for your part in the breakup, and to create strategies about what you will
do differently next time. This rebuilds the trust in yourself that you might have lost
along with the relationship. IF we are not fairly clear about what we did, we then feel
powerless, and such feelings are not useful as a foundation for a new relationship.

In essence, we are here on the planet to live love and there is something exquisitely
on purpose when we are loving others. And yet each of us has our individual path
where we get to express that love in all its myriad forms and sometimes that means
having a break for awhile.
My partner and I are 37 years old and have been together 10 years.
Since a couple of years into the relationship it has been completely
sexless. I have a normal level of sexual desire but my partner is
seemingly asexual. We've talked about it and she just has no sexual
desire. It isn't sporadic, it is nothing at all. My question is whether her
sexual desire could be rediscovered, for her benefit rather than mine.
And what I can do harness my own sexual energy and not lose it? I
appreciate this is probably impossible to answer!

There are so many layers to this question that it seems almost foolish to attempt
to answer it here. However, here goes

First lets start with you. There are numerous tantric practices you could do to
keep your sexuality alive in you, despite not having an active sexual partner. This
could feel a little frustrating, but there is something very powerful and awakening
about taking full responsibility for your own sexuality. One of the practices
involves breathing in the feminine every time you see a woman who is attractive
to you including your partner ;-).

Now on to your partner. I believe we are all sexual creatures and when we are not
feeling sexual on a consistent basis, its because there is something blocked with
in us either through emotional or physical trauma, or some form of repression or
ignorance.

Did you both have sexual chemistry in the beginning? If so, its rare that it would
die for no particular reason. For some women who take the contraceptive pill, the
sexual signals can get confused and if she stops taking it after she meets you, she
can become a whole different person who has to relearn what it means to be a
sexual being without those chemicals in her system.

Have you both tried everything you can to deal with this very important issue?
Sometimes people pull back from exploring all the options, both because it can be
quite confronting, and because they dont realise all the options available to them.
Also, these things can all cost a bit of money, but then it usually costs quite a bit
to break up a relationship, so investing at this stage can be the best use of your
resources.

Couples therapy/coaching to support you both in communicating more
effectively and deeply. Many people stop feeling sexy when they are
angry with their partner.

Sexuality coaching where you may explore together more about what
works for you both in sexuality and intimacy.

Tantric workshops where you learn to build, contain and express your
sexual life force including healing any sexual armouring or deadening
that may have happened from trauma.

Sex surrogates or tantric practitioners who can work personally with either,
or both of you.

There is so much more to this subject, but the most important thing I can say is
not to give up, to find a way for you both to commit to your relationship by
realising that (unless you have both agreed otherwise) that sexual expression is
an integral and important part of any relationship.
ASK THE LOVECOACH Q&A

Shame is an emotion that usually dwells incognito.

BY JESSICA BAHR

S
o little attention has been given to shame in mainstream psychotherapy and
self-help movements, that many of us dont even recognize it as an emotion,
let alone a key factor underlying the manifestation of other emotions and
behaviors. And because shame is shamed like so many other unpleasant feeling
emotions, it is hard to give exposure to it, as the very nature of shame is to keep
from being exposed.

Fortunately, the shadow of shame is starting to see the light of day, and as a
result, more and more emotional biopsies are coming back accurately with some
variation of shame. Though it is a complex and multi-layered emotion, strides are
Reverse
Shaming
Shaming
being made to identify and work with shame in a way so that it no longer binds us.
Brene Brown has done tremendous work in this field and in bringing it to
mainstream awareness.

Having said all of that, I want to talk about a particular variation of shame, a
dynamic that I feel can be an intimacy and relationship killer I call it reverse
shaming. It is when one party projects their shame onto the other, in light of a
conflict or confrontation, as a defense mechanism to what they might perceive as
someone shaming them.

In the psychotherapeutic work Ive been exposed to, I am familiar with the notion
of shaming someone when addressing an issue or discontent with him/her. I
think that happens often enough and can lead to defensiveness and blow up
communication that leaves both people drained and confused. It is something to
be cognizant of when telling someone how you feel, as shaming undermines
healthy and effective communication and can create more dissonance.

However, reverse shame happens when you are telling someone how you feel, in a
straight forward and direct way and all they hear is shaming, blaming and criticism
(because of their past relationships, conflicts with parents, their inner critics voice
or because they already have their own shame around a particular issue that exists
without someone else shaming them) and as a defense or deflection, they in turn
shame you by saying things like, This is your issue. Youre hard to please.
Youre insecure. Youre too sensitive. Get off my back. Not this again, etc. All
of the sudden they are treating your feelings as the problem, rather than looking
at the source of what you were addressing, and youre left holding both the
original feeling and now the shame around that feeling.

Have you ever wished you hadnt brought something up because of this kind of
backlash? Has anyone gotten angry with you for being angry with them? Reverse
shaming can make you feel like your feelings are insignificant and invalid. And
when we think our feelings are not recognized or valued, it often leads to us
swallowing the feelings, internalizing them which incidentally leads to more
shame.

Reverse shaming looks like this:

A woman acts very flirtatious with men at a party. When her partner later cleanly
expresses his hurt over this, she gets defensive and calls him insecure and jealous,
etc. And he ends up feeling shame around his feelings, he feels small and weak,
even though his sharing his feelings was vulnerable, authentic and courageous.
So much of the reason were not vulnerable (real and open) is because of the
times when we were and it was used against us in a hostile and/or deflected way.
We found ourselves being blamed for the disharmony that arose out of
well-intentioned expression meant to be a bridge back to harmony.

Another example: A man makes a sexist comment, and when his girlfriend calls
him out on it, he says, This is your issue. or Why are you always looking for
this stuff? or Is that how you see me? Now the woman finds herself in a
position of having to defend herself and her very feelings of hurt and disappoint-
ment, and may even try to soothe his feelings instead because now it has
become about him. Now, the onus/responsibility has shifted onto her and not her
partners behavior.

In either instance, the person who was
originally expressing her/his feelings
was not met with empathy, compassion
or openness, but defensiveness and
reverse shaming, and is left feeling
unheard and blamed for any conflict
that has arisen. This may cause them to
then feel shame for even having the
feelings come up in the first place or for
how they were expressedtreading ever
so lightly the next time some feeling
wants to be expressed because they
dont want to set off the time bomb and
end up feeling like it was their fault
because it was turned around on them.

It is important for both people to take ownership and responsibility. That would
look like this: A spouse says something hurtful (even if unintentional) to his wife,
and she says, That hurt me when you said x, y, and z. In his response he
reflects for a moment on what he said or how he said it without making it about
her and her problem and he offers empathy and acknowledgment of her feelings.
He can see her pain and hear her. Really hear her. He makes an effort to
understand, tells her it wasnt meant to hurt her and gives further explanation if
necessary. If he realized there was malice, insensitivity or passive aggression in
what he said (even unconsciously) he admits it and apologizes. She owns her part
by stating cleaning and clearly her feelings and then listening to where he was
coming from.

One of the most important aspects to any relationship, especially intimate/
romantic ones is to acknowledge and empathize with your partners feelings,
especially pain. To recognize the vulnerability it takes for them to tell you that
theyre feeling a dark or difficult emotion. Doing so is not an automatic admission
Shaming

One of the most
important aspects to
any relationship,
especially intimate,
romantic ones is to
acknowledge and
empathize with your
partners feelings,
especially pain.
of your guilt, but it is an opening to understanding how the person is feeling and
what may have prompted those feelings it can show you if and where there may
have been some fault so that amends can be made.

I struggle in this dynamic myself. When I feel unpleasant emotions come up like
jealousy, fear, anger, hurt, sadness, etc. it is almost always initially accompanied by
shame, especially at the thought of sharing it with the person these emotions
might be tied to or evoked by. This is because in most of my relationship history,
people were not okay with my feelings or their being implicated in them. But, I am
aware when this shame comes up now and I make a conscious decision to push
through and expose myself in my feelings, to be okay with my feelings even if
others arent. To stay true to myself and let myself be vulnerable means I have to
own my feelings, no matter what the other persons reaction. If they are
emotionally mature, they will own their feelings as well as whatever part they
played in it and not use reverse shaming as a way to avert their own discomfort or
wrong-doing.

Reverse shaming goes on in all types of relationships: romantic, siblings, parent/
child, friends, co-workers, etc. Good communication on both parts requires being
the space for the other to express themselves without being punished. Each
person must own their own feelings, and be able to admit where things went
wrong and ultimately do away with defensiveness and shaming, otherwise youll
have a dynamic where people shrink back into a safety zone, afraid to express the
truth for fear that it might be used against them.

If we cant trust people with our feelings then the relationship container is no
longer safe and over time can erode the connection. But if we can create a
spaciousness around what someone else is expressing instead of making our
discomfort grounds for shutting them down with shame (shaming them down),
then there can be resolution, healing and growth. Jessica Bahr
Shaming
Jessica is a freelance writer, who writes about subjects she is passionate about,
including conscious relationships, media literacy, gender relations, healthy
sexuality, and integral psychology. She has been published by various online
publications, including The Good Men Project, Spirit of Maat, DailyCoudt.com,
VividLife, Rebelle Society, and Elephant Journal. She recently won the "The
Summer of Love" essay contest, hosted by In The Garden Publishing, and is
currently working on her first book on the media's impact on gender relations
and sexuality. She can be reached at relationshifting@gmail.com.
BY MARISSA HAKANSSON
Why
You Should
Pay Attention
to Your Feelings
and Your
Inner Voice
Listening to our inner world is an important part of
creating an authentic life. Marissa Hakansson is this
month's featured coach. She shares how our body,
feelings, and intuition guide us to better understand
who we are and help us stay true to ourselves.
O
ur feelings form part of our inner voice: that wisdom inside of us that can
direct us to create our most authentic life.

Because what we feel within our self is always reflected in our body and our life.
This is something I learnt the hard way.
For years I had been unhappy with many aspects of my
life. I was discontent with my career, alone and uncomfort-
able in my own skin, and doubted what I could achieve.

This deep seated dissatisfaction came through in my body
language, my voice, the energy I had around others, and
my life as a whole.

The unhappy feelings festered and became embedded in
my way of life. When I felt them, I dwelled on them and
wished for a different way of living. I envied others who
seemed to genuinely love their life, but I wasn't convinced
I could have that for myself.

I ignored those feelings of discontent; that sense that
there was something more for me in life. Instead, I
created a life based on what I thought I could have and
be, not on what I truly wanted (and who I knew myself to
be).

The problem was, my life wasn't my own. And those
unhappy feelings continued to nag at me each day.

What I didn't realise then, is how profoundly those feelings
of dissatisfaction would impact my life in the years to
follow.

My first wake up call arrived when I became ill and
bed-bound with a virus. My body was signalling to me that
it was time to change. That it was time to start listening to
how I felt within who I was, and create a life that was
authentic to me. Only, I didn't listen.

Hardly giving myself time to recover, I dove back into my
way of life. Studying, working, and socialising in the life I
thought I should live. I didn't allow myself to be sick, let
alone give myself time to heal. Even though I still felt
deeply unwell within my body, I ignored the pain, and got
on with my life.

I had created an ingrained pattern of constantly striving,
chasing achievements, and never allowing myself time to
stop, rest and simply be.


Our featured coach is
Marissa Hakansson

Marissa supports women who are
experiencing stress, burnout,
fatigue and anxiety, or who are
managing a chronic illness. She
guides them to connect with their
body and self, so they can feel
whole within who they are and
find genuine fulfilment. Marissas
approach is practical and
down-to-earth: grounded in her
own experiences of what it takes
for women to find inner balance,
live authentically and feel free
within who they are. She works
with women and groups worldwide.
If you would like to learn more
about Marissa and her work, visit:
expresswhoyouare.com
Facebook.com/MarissaHakansson
Twitter.com/MarissaSH
Pay Attention
3
1
As the months and years passed by, I progressed with my life, but knew that my
body was chronically unwell. I started yearning for a break where I could allow
myself to rest properly, but felt the pressures of supporting myself financially. Until
eventually, I had exhausted myself so severely, that I couldn't carry on.

I felt I had no choice but to stop my life and career in it's tracks and
simply rest. And in fact, it's what I wanted. I allowed myself to listen and
be with my body in a way I hadn't done before. I openly recognised, for
the first time, that I was in pain. In reflecting on my experiences, I could
see that life needed to intervene and make a change for me, because I
was unable to make that change for myself.

It seems obvious now when I look back, that my body was crying out for my
attention because I hadn't been listening to my feelings and my inner voice. I had
been desperately craving a life where I could embody and express myself fully
through doing what I love, and following my own path. But since I could remem-
ber, all I'd done was adhere to someone else's rules about what life should be.

It's clear to me now, that the hurt and emotions around ignoring my own inner
truth manifested in my body and my life. And it was through becoming ill and
burnout that I found my freedom. It gave me the space to rediscover who I was,
and what I needed to do to bring more of my authentic self into the world.

In the space of the days, months, and years that followed, I learnt a few simple
steps that helped me to listen to my body, and get back in touch with who I was at
my core.

Let go of control. I learnt that the more we can relax into who we are in
this moment, the less effortful life becomes. When we stop trying to control
everything that is outside of us, and be present to our experiences, the easier it
will be for us to feel connected and content within who we are.

Listen to your body. I believe that our bodies hold the messages we
need to hear to guide our life on an authentic path. By listening to and
acknowledging the feelings, sensations and expression that comes through our
body, we will feel freer within our self and our life.

Follow your feelings. When we follow through on our feelings
(by taking action) we find clarity and own direction with ease. By continually taking
one small step forward in the direction we want to go, we can start living our life
from a place of truth and meaning.


Pay Attention
2
These three steps are something I use every day as a reminder to stay true to who
I am. For me it feels like the most simple, intuitive way to lead my life. It allows
me to enjoy the present moment more (no matter what is going on in my life), and
creates a sense of inner freedom, because I know I am being faithful to who I am.

Through my journey, I realised the important role our feelings and inner voice
plays in helping us create an authentic life. What I feel in my body continues to
teach and guide me daily, and allows life to unfold naturally and with ease.

If you enjoyed this article, you may be interested in Marissas free guide to overcoming stress,
burnout and fatigue, which is available via her website. expresswhoyouare.com
Pay Attention
Mishfish.com
Personal Development covers a wide range of
personal improvement activities from occupational
skills and work place competency to goal setting
time management, and communication skills.


It also includes the development of states of higher consciousness: Mindfulness,
Self actualisation, Self realisation and Enlightenment.

The over-arching desired outcome of all these activities is to experience a better
and more fulfilling life.

Personal development can be defined as any activity undertaken by an
individual in order to change the mental/emotional processes of the
mind so as to bring about behaviours that will improve the life
experience of the individual.

What is ?
BY GREG FITNESS
From Personal Development Today
Premium Content Supplement.

There are many different methods and techniques used to improve a persons life
that may come under the umbrella of personal development. Education, training,
various therapies, meditation, yoga, even sports and exercise, just to name a few,
can be undertaken as personal development.

But personal development is not the methods or techniques employed but its
more an attitude of improving or bettering ones self through making conscious
changes to ones body-mind system.


Personal Development Activities Fall Into Two Categories.


Category two is sometimes referred to as spiritual development because it frees
the spiritual energy. This results in a fuller expression of the natural life force
which brings about positive change.

The word spirit is often misunderstood. Its frequently associated with the
concept of an immortal soul and religious belief systems, but this is incorrect
thinking. The word spirit refers to a motivating energy. For example: A spirited
horse. The fuel in a car (petrol/gas) was originally called petroleum spirit. The
liquid, methylated spirit is an inflammable liquid which was used to power lamps.
In the case of a human being it refers to the motivating life force that animates
the mind and body.


Category One

Category one activities are intended to
put more information into the mind
and condition the persons thinking in
order to produce positive change in
the persons behaviour. This category
includes; education, skills training,
affirmations, positive thinking,
hypnosis, cognitive behaviour thera-
pies, Neuro-Linguistic Programming
and some guided meditations.
Category Two

Category two activities are indented to
remove the conditioned thinking and
allow the innate life force or spirit to
freely express it's nature. The free flow
of this subtle spiritual energy has a
restorative and healing affect on the
mind and body. This category includes;
mindfulness practises, meditation,
therapies designed to expand aware-
ness and all of consciousness work.
Personal development methods that are intended to remove conditioning (category
two), work by removing contraction and freeing the expressive flow of spirit life
force energy. Think of a water pipe that has a bend in it. The bend restricts the
free flow of water. By removing the bend in the pipe, the water flow is restored.

Conditioning occurs mainly in childhood. As the child experiences life, information
about the experience is recorded in memory. If the child associates pleasurable or
painful feelings with the experience, those feelings are also recorded in memory.
Painful feelings cause a contraction in the body-mind system and this restricts the
expression of life energy and the individuals ability to engage with life.

Information enters the mind as impressions (packets or bits of data)
These impressions may be held in memory simply as information or they may
form into beliefs and concepts which in turn are formed into attitudes, values and
judgments.

Much of this information settles into the subconscious level of mind where it affects
the persons behaviour without them being consciously aware of its effect.

There are many methods and techniques that attempt to influence and manipulate
the processing of information in the mind, in order to bring about change for the
better in a persons life.

Personal development includes a broad range of activities.
Selecting the method of personal development that is right for
you depends on your desired outcome. What do you want to
achieve?

Ultimately, the student of personal development will become increasingly involved
with category two methods and techniques. Remember the intention with category
two practices, is to free the individual from conditioning and contraction.

This leads to ever expanding self awareness resulting in the individual gaining a
deep understanding of their true nature. Often the process of becoming aware of
ones conditioning is enough in its self to eliminating the conditioning and free the
contraction. As the person recognises that they hold many limiting and false
beliefs, they begin to free themself from, what has been described as, the prison
of belief and they come to know their true nature.

The desire to understand your true nature, to know your purpose in life, and to
experience fulfilment by living true to who you are, is the ultimate goal of
personal development.

KNOW THYSELF AND TO THIEN OWN SELF BE TRUE


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The publisher accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of
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