53

Elfri ede Jeli nek

Trans l ated by Gi t ta Honegge r
Jacki e
Pctra Morz in Jackie,
dircctcd by anicla
Kranz, \icnna
8urgthcatcr, acc.
Photo: Gcorg Soulck
Copyright acc by llricdc Jclinck. nglish translation copyright acc by Gitta Honcggcr. All rights rcscrvcd. No
part ol this play may bc rcproduccd in any lorm or by any mcans, clcctronic or mcchanical, including photocopying,
rccording, and inlormation storagc and rctricval systcms, without pcrmission lrom thc author.
CAUT!N: Prolcssionals and amatcurs arc hcrcby warncd that, bcing lully protcctcd undcr thc copyright laws ol
thc Unitcd Statcs ol Amcrica, thc 8ritish Commonwcalth, including thc ominion ol Canada, and all othcr countrics ol
thc Copyright Union, this play is subjcct to royalty. All rights, including prolcssional, amatcur, motion picturc, rccitation,
lccturing, public rcading, radio and tclcvision broadcasting, and translation into lorcign languagcs, arc strictly rcscrvcd.
Particular cmphasis is laid on thc qucstions ol rcadings, pcrmission lor which must bc sccurcd lrom thc authors publishcr:
Sabinc swald, 8crlin \crlag, Grcilswaldcr Strassc ac,, .cc 8crlin, Gcrmany.
Collaborators: Randy Taraborrclli, lisabcth
\cit, Roland 8arthcs, and othcrs
j~cxiv should appear in a Chanel suit, I think
(you would have to have very good reasons to do
it dierently!). One could also take as a model that
last photograph in Central Park (with Maurice
Tempelsman), the one on the bench, trench coat,
wig (hair lost because of chemo), sunglasses, and
Herms scarf.
In any case, she should work hard. I
imagine all her dead loved ones, her children,
well, the embryo and the two dead babies arent
that heavy, but those dead men, Jack, Bobby, Telis
(Ari), they ll be quite a load, so, how shall I
put it, she should drag those dead ones behind her
like in a tug-of-war. Or like a Wolga boatman
with his boat. Sorry, I cant make it easier for
you. At least the blood on her suit doesnt weigh
that much, and there is a chunk missing from
Jacks skull. The actress should drag the bodies
(which are tied to each other) behind her with
great eort, which makes her speech increasingly
breathless; panting for breath, she will have to
stop her monologue at some point because she cant
go on. According to her condition and the way she
feels on a given day, this will happen sometimes
sooner, sometimes later. And then the monologue
is done and over. But I am sure you ll come up
with something completely dierent.
Vcll, ! suggcst myscll likc my waist,
which ! dont strcss. ! wcar undcrstatcd
clothcs. My waist would bc wastcd il strcsscd
and instantly cast o, ! mcan cast in. h, no,
wcll, ! am about to makc a crucial dccision
j eli nek
54
and ! dccidc dicrcntly: my wastc shall not bc
cast in anything, it should just bc suggcstcd.
!ts not somcthing ! would strcss about
myscll. ! stick to my shilts or whatcvcr thcy
arc callcd, thosc littlc loosc drcsscs littlc girls
wcar. ! am thc littlc girl insidc thc woman. !
politcly takc o my scll whcn ! am talking to
somcbody, and yct ! also stay, il lar abovc. !
prclcr to bc suspcndcd in all thosc picturcs ol
myscll and draggcd along, that way ! dont
havc to do anything. n thc othcr hand thcrc
arc thosc lurious activitics in mattcrs ol homc
lurnishing and dccorating. arly Amcrican,
crowncd likc a rotting tooth with Louis Scizc
drapcs, thats what thcy uscd to call good
tastc in thosc days, imaginc! No, bcttcr not
imaginc things. 8ccausc onc ncvcr knows
which pot lccds thc imagination in thc soup
kitchcn ol thc poor. ! had to comc and
suggcst myscll to thc population, which put
its laith in mc and got nothing in rcturn. nc
has to add pomp and majcsty to cvcrything
cxccpt oncscll, onc should stay simplc and
that takcs guts cspccially lor thc sort ol
total rcstraint, thc barcly brcathcd trivia a
boldncss that turns into complctc stillncss, as
soon as onc appcars to thc public as ur Lady
ol Miraclcs. !ts a miraclc that a picturc likc
mc can spcak at all! nc must turn into thc
lootstcps pcoplc hcar in lront ol thc door,
which makc thcm instantly lrcczc in lcar.
Thats powcr. Thats not thc gatcway to
powcr, as thcy always show it in thc
magazincs. Thats powcr itscll, it dispcnscs
its limbs dclicatcly likc clothcs, and invisiblc
hands takc hold ol thcm, hands, which drop
to thcir knccs in lront ol thcmsclvcs, so to
spcak. nc sccs and docsnt scc powcr. nc
has to prcscnt oncs hcad in bcautilul
movcmcnts, bundlc thcm in a photo, tic thcm
up and hold thcm hostagc ol oncscll. As thc
lovcr ol oncscll. Thats why Jacks countlcss
lovcrs didnt gct to mc, bccausc thcy didnt gct
it. nc has to bc capturcd by oncscll in ordcr
to bc ablc to captivatc othcrs. nc has to bc
still, but loudcst in that stillncss, so that onc
instills scnsations in othcrs as il injccting
mcdication into a paticnt. Pcoplc nccd thosc
scnsations, bccausc thcy dont havc thcm, but
thcy know thcm ncvcrthclcss. Thcy arc
dcscribcd to thcm constantly, in thc rustlc ol
thosc colorlul rags, in thc rush ol coming by
oncscll, which is thc salcst way, unlcss its
alrcady too latc. Thcir parcnts can dic, thcir
childrcn can dic, thcir dogs can dic, but whcn
onc ol us dics thcy throw out all thcir
opportunitics to do so thcmsclvcs likc rocks
onto a pilc, and lilt up thcir snouts and howl.
Thcy arc incapablc ol stcpping back, thcy arc
cvcn lcss capablc ol stcpping on us. Thcyd
rathcr stcp up to us and bc likc us. And
whatcvcr thcy arc not, thcy want to havc
dcscribcd to thcm, but it should bc somcthing
thcy alrcady know, othcrwisc thcy wouldnt
gct it. For what: Should wc livc lor thcm: !ts
logical somchow, that a shot put an cnd to all
that. Vcll, no, it all bcgan only with that
shot. Looking at us with grcat intcrcst, as il
thcy wcrc sccing thcmsclvcs in thc mirror,
thats what pcoplc arc doing all thc timc.
Thcy scc us, but actually thcy scc thcmsclvcs
in us. 8ut a trcasurc likc myscll is most
apprcciatcd whcn abscnt. n thc othcr hand,
! can bc sccn cvcrywhcrc. Vith thc littlc
jackct during thc day. ! buy thcm by thc
dozcns, but thcy dont comc chcapcr. ! cast
myscll as a cast plastcr, but not plastcrcd,
and not my waist. My waist isnt cast in
plastcr, and my hair isnt plastcrcd. !ts
lacqucrcd. ! also havc a wig, although !
always dcnicd it. Joan, that boozcr, gavc mc
away, shc was cast out, that also was strcsscd.
And how! Yct shc is thc only onc who
produccd rcsponsiblc hcirs. thcl: almost
only irrcsponsiblc hcirs. Myscll: soso. Thcy
balancc cach othcr out. nly onc is lclt
jacki e
55
anyway, and shc at lcast is thc rccitator ol
ordcr. Shc livcs to rccitc mc and hcr lathcr,
shc wont havc to savc us, wc arc savcd, not
bccausc wc had so much to do in lilc, but
bccausc wc wcrc. At lcast shc docsnt rccitc
othcr pcoplcs storics. Joan was thc most
bcautilul ol us all, but also thc lcast ol all. 8ut
that Tcddy rcally is an ass. Vhcn wc still
cxistcd as human bcings, thcy callcd us
pcrsonalitics, but Tcddy isnt cvcn that. 8ut
hc is still alivc. Not bad. rowning in thc
act rcally now! Vcll, at lcast only hcr, thc
littlc sccrctary, not hc. Hc must havc comc up
prctty last whilc thc car was sinking, it
sccmcd to havc sunk instantly. As il thc car
was a whalc, which had to movc quickly lrom
land into thc sca bccausc shcrmcn with
ashing camcras wcrc altcr him. That poor
littlc blond sh staycd bchind, bclow, Mary
Jo. Ycs, unlortunatcly Tcddy was our last
chancc, thc only survivor, but hc didnt usc it,
hc took anothcr. Thcn it was ovcr with thc
carccrs in thc lamily. ! bccamc a statuc, as
ordcrcd, with a blccding man lalling on it and
no onc lorgctting his lacc during thosc last
minutcs. Pcoplc can also cast thcmsclvcs to
usc that tcrm again by gctting cast out and
out ol sight. Likc Joan. My husband also
disappcarcd and rcmaincd as thc pcrmancnt
scar in a wound, lit lorcvcr by a sanctuary
lamp, thc ctcrnal light, so thcy wont lorgct
us, ! am lying thcrc too, with thc dcad
childrcn. JohnJohn, unlortunatcly, didnt gct
in, bccausc hc didnt scrvc. Thc soldicrs
ccmctcry: nly lor thosc who scrvcd! Hc is
ashcs now, in thc occan, and thc boats ol thc
Amcricas Cup arc racing through him, thats
nicc too, isnt it: ! wouldnt call it plcasant in
thc R, things ncvcr turncd out wcll lor us
thcrc. Thc public rcsponds absolutcly thc
samc way to both thc disappcaring and thc
rccmcrging. Thc public isnt ncutral, it
cxprcsscs itscll spccically to bccomc thc
dctcrmining lactor, thc rulcr that mcasurcs
us, thc rulcrs, who lall into thcir own imagc,
lalling ovcr it occasionally, bccausc thcy
ovcrstcppcd thcmsclvcs and thats a sight
pcoplc cant shakc o. Somchow ! cant gct
myscll to cxposc thc public, which has a right
to cvcry dctail, to thc sight ol thc smashcd
hcad with thc brain oozing into my lap. Thc
doctors undcrstand that, thc Sccrct Scrvicc
mcn do too. Thcy havc to undcrstand
cvcrything, cvcn though wc dont gct it. h,
Jack, oh, Jack, ! lovc you, ! sob. Vhat clsc
should ! say: ! cant vcry wcll prctcnd wc had
planncd to mcct in thc hospital. Vc hold
cach othcr and gcntly pat cach othcrs backs,
whilc wc cry soltly, bccausc so many ol us
dicd and now us, too, wcll, ! am dcad in any
casc. !ts all right, wc tcll oursclvcs, its all
right, lct it comc out, lct it all comc out, cvcry
last bit ol it. ! just got ovcr my crying spcll,
thcls is starting just now, Joan appcars,
tcarlcss, but thcn shc starts to cry as wcll, no,
shc docsnt, ycs, now hcr tcars nally arrivc, il
somcwhat latc, though no onc was waiting,
no, ! scc, thcy wcrc awaitcd noncthclcss.
Rcady lor thc Rivcr. Gct thosc tcars into thc
occan ol tcars! And out ol sight. Vith that
look on your lacc you wont gct anywhcrc, you
bcttcr takc this onc! !vc tricd it alrcady somc
othcr placc, but it wasnt right lor thcrc. That
oncs likc a shoc that takcs you noisclcssly up
thc stairs, whcrc you slip and lall down again
scrcaming loudly. h, had wc just put it on in
timc, that cutc, nonslip soltshoc routinc, that
always stops thc show. And thcn ltcr
cvcrything thats coming through a black vcil,
youll nd thc tastc incomparablc. ! hcld up
wcll, until thcl camc, thcn ! got my scll
portrait lrom my portrait gallcry and ! stood
thcrc, a woman in black up to thc straps that
ticd mc to thc con. !n lront ol mc thc two
small childrcn with thcir wcllbrcd laccs, thc
littlc rcd shocs, thc powdcr bluc coats, didnt !
j eli nek
56
doll thcm up adorably, thcyll bc rcmcmbcrcd
lor ccnturics, youll scc. No, unlortunatcly
you wont scc. 8ut you can watch it on lm
vc thousand timcs and you still wont havc
cnough ol it and you still wont havc sccn
anything. ! did that wcll, didnt !: All my
doing, convincing pcoplc ol this cnchanting
dcath in rcd and powdcr bluc, ol this dcath in
thc shapc ol two small childrcn, cutc, likc a
slim hcavcn, somcthing likc that, this dcath
thats in storc lor thcm as wcll, but it wont bc
as awcsomc, ! am alraid. Thcy opcn thcir
mouths to grasp it. Thc horsc without a ridcr,
thc cmpty boots turncd upsidc down, thcir
lcgs in thc stirrups. And Jack hatcd horscs!
Hc was allcrgic to thcir gorgcous hair. Vcll,
not !. Riding, tcnnis, skiing, watcr skiing,
thats thc way ! cmbracc myscll. As soon as !
turncd my back to him, Jack immcdiatcly
camc on to onc woman or anothcr, but that
was thc cortisonc. Turns you on, without
having to lct go ol Moms hand. vcry day thc
ladics man advanccs, without having takcn
any lcssons, but hc is a sloppy lcarncr. Hc
docsnt havc to work hard. !t comcs to him.
No woman can cscapc his pcrsonality. Hc
jumps into cvcry woman, but hc wont jump
into an argumcnt with mc. ! nally clcarcd up
that thing with Marilyn, hc told mc hc was
nishcd with hcr bclorc hcr dcath, thcrclorc
hc couldnt bc hcld rcsponsiblc lor hcr dcath.
Hc said, shc had big problcms long bclorc
thcy mct. ! nally camc to thc conclusion that
thcy rcally couldnt blamc him lor what
happcncd. His lathcr always pays. Hc pays mc
too, altcr all. !l ! havc to marry and stay
marricd, thcn his lathcr should pay. Minc
couldnt do that, paying. ! had to marry, thcrc
was no othcr way to dispcrsc ol my charms,
thcy always nccdcd a pcrmancnt addrcss. Not
likc Sylvia Plath, who was allowcd to acccpt
thc intcrnship at a womans magazinc and as a
conscqucncc was almost poisoncd by thc
lobstcr mayonnaisc which was ocrcd to thc
girls, wcll, that could havc savcd hcr a lot ol
troublcs. No onc would havc ocrcd mc that
sort ol stu. No onc would havc darcd. You
scc, ! dont nccd a lcllowship lor dying. !
know how it gocs. ! alrcady kncw. ! know
how it gocs. No mattcr what. Somconc likc
Plath ncvcr bccomcs an icon, cxccpt lor stupid
womcn, who think thcy havc gottcn a brain ol
thcir own. Ridiculous! Vhcrc should it comc
lrom:!: Vhcrc would thcy usc it, cxccpt lor
pctty aairs: ! wasnt allowcd to acccpt my
intcrnship at Vogue. Mothcr was against it.
You havc to marry rich, shc said. Quitc right.
ont losc an cntirc ycar. You can usc that
ycar lor somcthing bcttcr. And how long docs
onc havc to wait during visiting hours on
Judgmcnt ay, whcn thcrcs no onc thcrc to
support your arm, bccausc onc has to wait
lorcvcr on thc gangway lor God to nally
arrivc and shakc hands with you: vcn dc
Gaullc and Khrushchcv didnt takc that long!
Kccp in mind that you could knock on
wood bc woocd by any numbcr ol mcn.
Timc lor a pocm absolutcly but makc surc
your drcss works likc a pocm! Got it! You
must adapt! nly whcn you havc gottcn
cvcryoncs attcntion havc you truly adaptcd.
Lcan against csh, cvcn il its rottcd, as long
as it is richly garnishcd, so that thc csh
disappcars undcrncath. No onc could havc
donc a bcttcr job cducating a woman in powcr
than Mom did with mc. Shc docsnt grasp
mc, but shcs right. Shc was likc that hcrscll. !
grasp myscll, but thcrc is only air and dccp
pain, likc watcr that turns into a highway
whcn you watcrski, hard as a road thats
ahcad ol you, but you still can drown in it.
That ncvcr happcns in a sca ol tcars. Thcrc
you always can gct out. Vhy should thc
prcsidcnt lcarn anything, thc womcn arc
coming all by thcmsclvcs. Thosc mcn. Thc
rst mcn who bccamc scxy through sports.
jacki e
57
Thc sistcrs too. No, thats not truc. !ts truc
only today, sincc lcmalc athlctcs havc to
undrcss. Thcy startcd it. Thosc RahRah
girls. Always shouting, ghting, kicking,
scrcaming, chccring and thcn thc rc, madc
ol nothing but hot air and winds, lanning,
blowing, tumbling on top ol cach othcr,
womcn socccr tcams, womcn playcrs, biting,
stomping, scratching. Thcy always did that
wcll, thosc womcn, thcir sincws zipping likc
bows and arrows all ovcr thc placc, in all
dircctions, womcn pushing cach othcr around
likc vchiclcs on a bursting artcrial road during
rush hour. As il thcy would bc thrown into
thc air at any momcnt, il thcy didnt hold on
tight to thc carth. r is it truc altcr all that all
ol us lcmalc gurcs, stringy as wc wcrc,
without any mcat on our boncs, bccamc thc
showcascs lor our gcncration and all thosc
coming altcr: ! most ol all. Look at us and
ordcr somcthing similar right away, bccausc
youll ncvcr gct thc samc! Vc lookcd as il wc
would ncvcr bc subjcct to dccay, thcrc didnt
sccm to bc an ouncc ol csh anywhcrc. Vc
wcrc somchow mcatlcss, hcalthy, ycs, and yct
it was our csh that was always hit thc
hardcst. !l it rcally had bccn csh. !nstcad latc
always cncountcrcd a taut salcty nct and
tosscd us back up in thc air, no mattcr what
happcncd. Ycs, latc took notc ol us and thcn it
wrotc us up all thc way to thc cnd ol our bcst
parts. Sincc thcn it only copicd lrom us, latc,
down to thc third and lourth mcmbcr. Cant
comc up with anything ncw, latc that is. A
sprawling novcl, cxtractcd lrom lilc, but no,
wc wcrc lilc itscll. Thcy cxtract lrom us! 8ut
not just a littlc! No onc was ashamcd. No
woman can kccp hcr gurc, only with us it
lasts lorcvcr. Vc makc thc most ol our
pounds, but thcrc arc only a lcw. Vc havc no
bodics. Plcasc, latc, go ahcad, hclp yourscll!
Just a momcnt, ! havc to cast myscll into thc
ncw shapc that is prcscribcd to mc by my
clothcs, and ! adviscd Mr. Cassini to makc
thc clothcs according to my mcasurcmcnts,
but in such a way that thcy ncvcr touch my
body. Nothing and no onc must touch mc,
whcn ! dont want it. nly latc didnt rcspcct
my wish. Thcrc, now ! havc to covcr my
chcwcddown ngcrnails with thc usual long
or clbowlcngth glovcs, and now ! am donc.
Vhitc is my lavoritc color, ! sharc it with
dcath, thc grcat whitcncr. That popular
univcrsal clcanscr. Nothing gcts that clcan,
unlcss hc gcts a hold ol it. Hc always shrugs
his shouldcrs and thats not a sign ol rcgrct.
Vith all my cxpcnsivc clothcs, hcaps and
hcaps ol labric, consisting ol clcan lincs, lrom
whcrc thc passing shots arc playcd, all wcll
placcd, but ! scorcd only oncc, no, twicc, with
all thosc rags, somctimcs at, somctimcs
billowing voluminously, ! want to prctcnd !
havc no body. Although ! prcscntcd it
athlctic, taut, muscular, in that ncw variation
you could gct cvcrywhcrc during thc sixtics,
cvcn il only a lcw could aord it, anyway, !
did prcscnt it, as contcntlcss contcnt, in
countlcss magazincs. n tclcvision. !n thc
movics. And whatnot. So ! was cast. And !
cast a spcll. Nothing had to bc spcllcd out, as
! indicatcd bclorc. Spclling it all out docsnt
ncccssarily hcightcn thc ccct, it can also bc
hcightcncd by withdrawal. Always discrcct,
thats important, always rcccting oncs
charms, lct thcm appcar in thc mirror, ncvcr
bc charming in pcrson, that would mcan a
human bcing! Thc invcntor ol thc straplcss
cvcning gown and thc miniskirt as public
scrvant. My prclinguistic stagc, which onc
could call thc clothcsstagc, that is to say thc
lorm that prcccdcs spccch, but is prcscnt,
noncthclcss, waiting to tcstily at thc trial by
thc masscs, whilc commcntators kccp
spcaking into it inccssantly. Thcy talkcd
about my clothcs cvcn morc than about
myscll, and thats saying somcthing! My
j eli nek
58
clothcs wcrc my handwriting. My clothcs
wcrc morc individual than my languagc, you
know, cvcn though thcy wcrc only lincs,
which arc thc basic lorm, with all that
dccoration just stuck on, simplc, csscntial.
Circlc, squarc, ball, cubc. Thc ttcd shapc
rcccdcd lrom mc, bccausc ! just lct things
ow around my waist likc thc wavcs around
\cnus, born lrom loam. 8ut ! was thc loam
on thc drcams ol othcrs, strangcrs. Countlcss
strangcrs. How strangc. How could ! havc
achicvcd cvcn morc: 8y bccoming thc drcams
thcmsclvcs: For Gods sakc. 8cing insidc
cvcrybody. How horriblc. Hcrc its always
only mc, at thc windblown shorc. Thc
summcr crowd is gonc, so thcrcs only mc. !
lovc thc autumn, and yct ! cannot say all thc
thoughts and things that makc onc lccl this
way. ! lovc walking on thc angry shorc, to
watch thc angry sca, whcrc summcr pcoplc
wcrc bclorc, but now thcrcs only mc. An
cxprcssion crosscs my lacc, its running away,
its trying, but it is caught and capturcd
instantly by all thc camcras. Thats whcrc !
am ncvcr only mc. Ncvcr again. !t cscapcs, my
dcar cxprcssion, bclorc ! can takc carc ol
dctails, and now its cvcrywhcrc, turncd into
an idiot. No, it ncvcr was idiotic, thats not
truc. ! wont bc moving much longcr thc way !
uscd to. ! am moving to Grcccc. ! havc ncws
lor you, 8obby was told. Thc prcsidcnt has
bccn shot. Vhat: 8obby said. h, ! . . . is it
scrious: Ycs, thats what hc said, 8obby, but
only oncc, it wasnt ncccssary to say
somcthing likc that morc oltcn. Thc ncxt
timc it was alrcady his tcrm. ! think it is
scrious, hc was told. Ncvcr again would ! bc
ablc to accomplish such a thing. Vho could
top somcthing likc that: Slccping bctwccn
two occans who could do that: ! couldnt
cvcn gct to thc piccc ol skull on thc hood
whcn ! crawlcd on top ol it. Thc ncxt day !
couldnt rcmcmbcr it. !t was not an cscapc. !
can only rcmcmbcr that ! saw somc ol thc
insidc ol his skull. !t was cshcolorcd, kind
ol solt, you know. Just likc clothcs, thcy look
hard in a picturc, not likc a labric, but in
rcality thcy arc vcry solt, il allowcd to wrap
all around. !l lct bc. ! wont lct it bc,
othcrwisc, ! would bccomc human, likc a
night thats ovcr. Unrcpcatablc. Not to spcak
ol dcath, which cant cvcr bc rcpcatcd. ! still
rcmcmbcr what ! was thinking that Jack
looks likc hc had a light hcadachc. Hc had
such a conluscd cxprcssion on his lacc, and hc
raiscd his hand, it must havc bccn thc lclt. !
rcmcmbcr scrcaming, thc way only my sistcrs
inlaw arc scrcaming on thc bcach. ! slippcd
lrom thc scat and ! had his lacc in my lap, !
rcmcmbcr that clcarly. Latcr, you know, thcrc
wcrc picturcs ol mc crawling to thc rcar ol thc
car. 8ut ! dont rcmcmbcr that at all. !
carclully brcathc dcvotion into Jacks skull,
but actually and clinically, hc is alrcady dcad.
nc cant know morc than what is shown.
Thats also thc way it is with clothcs: nc
cant know morc than what is shown. Clothcs
arc absolutcly dcad, though thcy look alivc on
mc. r am ! only alivc through my clothcs:
No mattcr. At any ratc, its a spccial quality. !
am not surc whcthcr my own or thc clothcs.
8ut in thc photos thcy arc dcad again. nc
can scnsc whats moving thcm. That it is a
woman moving thcm. Thats why ! was so
intcrcstcd in lashion. !t is what it is. And it
lcts a pcrson disappcar in it. Thcrcs blood and
bits ol brain on my suit, but thc pink suit will
bc rcmcmbcrcd, bccausc its a suit that holds
my spirit, which kccps lcarning inccssantly,
until it can bccomc an cditor. !n a publishing
rm. Thc shots, rcmcmbcr, camc lrom a
tcxtbook dcpository. 8ooks prcscnt thc statcs
ol things, and thc statc is always muddlcd and
gcts morc muddlcd all thc timc. Vhatcvcr
jacki e
59
onc bclicvcs in has to bc droppcd again right
away. thcrwisc othcrs start to bclicvc in it
too. A drcss, on thc othcr hand, must bc
dcscribcd, othcrwisc it docsnt cxist. A drcss
comcs into bcing through dcscription, thc
cmphasis is minc. You also must rcad thc
lootnotcs. This lootnotc says that thc spots in
thc suit arc blood and bits ol brain. All clsc
around it arc acccssorics, but it is thc suit that
counts. Vc know about thc blood and thc
brain. ! am thc drcss ovcr it, no, thc drcss is
morc than myscll, it is biggcr, it ncvcr mcrgcs
with my shapc, it bravcly holds its own
against mc, and it will stay lorcvcr in pcoplcs
mcmory. Vhats lclt ol mc is my whitc lacc,
thc black mass ol hair, likc an unshakablc
mountain, who could shakc a mountain: ycs
lar apart, no sunglasscs cvcr t right, bccausc
thc cycs always try to tcar thcm apart in thc
middlc, likc a black panthcr his prcy. A
pcrson always looks calm comparcd to hcr
clothcs with thc wind blowing through thcm
howling and crying lor itscll. My clothcs
surround mc likc stunncd, crying childrcn,
thcy distract lrom mc, but without mc thcy
would havc bccn nothing. No, thats not right.
Thcy dont nccd mc. Thcy arc an awcsomc
sight. 8ut so is cvcry mountain. All thosc
lovcrs. Thcy ncvcr gavc mc thc inlormation !
wantcd, thcrclorc ! madc it my gamc: to givc
myscll valuc and that valuc consistcd ol solid
hair and a solt wastc. That Marilyn parodicd
mc in Vogue in that black plastcr wig with thc
outward ip on thc bottom. And all thosc
pcarl nccklaccs! That crazy woman. Shc
didnt undcrstand a thing. ! am carvcd out ol
thc spacc, darkncss, crcatcd by light. Shc was
thc light. Thats what shc didnt undcrstand.
Thcrcs nothing morc vulncrablc than light.
nc swccp ol thc hand and its gonc. 8ut
darkncss rcmains, night, altcr all, lollows
cvcry day. Not bad, how Marilyn did it, that
dark wig didnt rcally look good on hcr, but
thc intcntion was clcar, though no onc paid
attcntion. !t didnt mattcr. !t didnt pay o.
vcryonc was watching. 8ut it didnt count. !
count.
No onc could cvcr count as much
as !. And Jack would not havc wantcd to
lollow hcr into that dark building with its
ctcrnal light. That would havc cost him too
much. 8ut ! say to that pitilul, undonc doll,
that chalk lacc: Thinncss cmpowcrs! ! am
not thin, but ! can look it bccausc ! drcss
smartly. ! am at my bcst, whcn ! show myscll,
bccausc ! am not just light. ! am not that
ccting. And il ! want to cc, thcy wont lct
mc. ! am my clothcs, and my clothcs arc mc,
thcrclorc thcy arc morc than light. Thcy arc
what cant bc morc. Thcy arc not what cant
bc anymorc. ! mcan, how shall ! say: Thcrc
is no csh undcrncath. Thcy arc what thcy
arc, but thcy arc not mortal, bccausc thcrc
is no csh. ! do not dccomposc. ! lct myscll
lccl complctcly at homc in my body, bccausc
it is surroundcd by clothcs, which makc mc
sccurc. No, thats not it, cithcr. h wcll, thc
larapart cycs and thc scnsual mouth will
bc rcmcmbcrcd lor a long timc, but also thc
clothcs. My cycs, my mouth arc acccssorics.
My contours arc vcry complicatcd, but thcrc
arc all thosc symbols lor thcm, which arc my
clothcs and ! usc thcm all, to inscribc myscll
in shorthand in thc collcctivc unconscious, in
pcoplcs scrapbooks, thcrcs somcthing in it
lor cvcryonc. A shorthand, which basically is
a variant, without idcntity or shapc. Nothing
is sccurc, thats why ! appcar to bc so sccurc.
A basically insccurc woman such as !, who
appcars sccurc in thc systcm: world. Thcy
cxpcct us public gurcs to bc tough, and wc
havc plcnty ol opportunitics to toughcn up.
Showing thc lcgs! No onc bclorc mc darcd to
do that. No waist. Lcgs instcad, all skin and
boncs! vcn on !nauguration ay, whcn !
ncarly lrozc to dcath in my littlc woolcn coat.
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60
8ut ! sct myscll apart lrom all thc matrons in
thcir long minks. You dont undcrstand how
onc can put oncscll through such a thing:
Listcn now: !t wouldnt work il anything
wcrc missing, bccausc thcn cvcrything
would bc missing. ! mcan, somcthing can
bc misscd so distinctly that its cxistcncc is
no longcr a givcn, cvcn though a rcmnant is
still thcrc. No, thats wrong, thcrcs no room
lclt lor cxistcncc to play with, so cxistcncc
itscll bccomcs that spacc. 8ut only wc, thc
choscn oncs, can play in it. Thc othcrs stand
at thc lcncc and try to squcczc in. !t docsnt
work. Thcrc arc no clothcs without scams.
Vcll, thcrc you go. No scams no clothcs.
Things that go togcthcr dont just simply
grow togcthcr. Vho would know bcttcr than
!: And thats how ! procccd with myscll. !
am thc scams, but thc labric bctwccn thcm is
missing oops, now ! turncd thc wholc thing
around. So: My cxistcncc has mcaning only
whcn ! changc strcsscs. Soon thcy talk morc
about my whitc duchcssc gown to bcnct thc
clcction, about my \ichy chcckcrcd shirt plus
shorts, at thc bcach to bcnct thc childrcn,
about my pink Chancl suit to suit and soothc
dcath and about my rcd wool suit, which,
altcr thc announccmcnt ol thc landslidc
clcction rcsults, ncstlcd its hcad in my
shouldcr, or was it thc shouldcr that ncstlcd
my hcad: Vhatcvcr. Suddcnly ! stand thcrc
all alonc and ! start to cry. Thosc scams that
arc mc kccp mc busy: Thc public pcrccivcs
mc as thc spacc. vcrybody sccs somcthing
clsc. Scams arc thcrc or thcy arcnt, thcy can
bc tackcd and tacklcd to thc ground, thcy can
bc strcsscd likc a waist, not minc, somconc
clscs, minc is strcsscd out, ! havc to distract
lrom it. Too many births, morc than hall in
vain. All nonscnsc. Miscarricd or inlants
dcath. ! wont cvcr gct ovcr thc dcath ol tiny
Arabclla and baby Patrick. So ! givc you thcir
lathcr too, childrcn do nccd thcir lathcr, plus
a piccc ol miscarriagc, namclcss, which was
thc last thing ! nccdcd. nc was cnough. So
was thc sccond and thc third. ! just walkcd
bchind thcm. Thcrc was nothing bcttcr in
storc lor mc. cath can havc thcm all, as
lar as ! am conccrncd, hc nally got mc too,
dcath, that shoddy old slip, which hc slips o,
all by himscll, dcath, that old slippcry ick,
oh, wcll. Also onc ol thcsc drcsscs tackcd lor
rhctoric, onc can cxhibit or prohibit, as Jack
did. Jack was attractivc bcyond words, to mcn
and to womcn. Thc drugs didnt hurt in that
rcgard. ! took thcm too, altcr all. For dccadcs.
Vith a doctor just lor thc prcscriptions. \cry
good. Thosc swcct, slim drugs still spcak
thc loudcst, but clothcs havc thc advantagc
that onc can scc thcm and thcy should bc
sccn. rugs stand bchind us all thc way, it
is so unlair that thcy cant bc sccn, that thcy
arc outlawcd, thosc poor things, which add
such magic to our livcs! Thats so mcan. nc
can bc up and upsct all day long and no onc
noticcs. nc can bc up and unjust all day and
all night, and no onc noticcs. Strangc. rugs
arc mankinds drcams, but only a lcw arc
ablc to rcally cxpcricncc thcm. Thats good.
ur doctor was thc bcst. Hc always kcpt his
mouth shut, that wondcrlul man, whom wc
kcpt busy as much as possiblc with all thosc
labulous slim things wc poppcd into our
mouths. Vc bccamc likc thcm, lab, slim, and
last. Thosc things madc us tough, tcrric,
and tcnacious. Many thanks though much
dclaycd, but bcttcr than ncvcr, to our doctor,
ncxt door, with thc ncxt dosc.
Mcn always talk thcmsclvcs, thcy dont
likc to lct othcrs talk, cxccpt il it is somcthing
unplcasant, thcn thcy gct a spcakcr or thcy lct
thc particular drug spcak insidc and through
thcm and guidc thcm cvcr so miraculously.
Tcars arcnt rcal, laughtcr isnt rcal, cncrgy
isnt rcally a drink, whats rcal arc drugs,
cspccially spccd lantastic, how last cvcn thc
jacki e
61
lazicst can movc! Makcs you pop right out ol
yourscll. You should try thcm! You will roll
out ol yourscll likc a solitary, miraculous,
crystal clcar, sparkling tcar thats wrcstcd
itscll lrom you, but without any cort.
Howcvcr, with us womcn, whatcvcr wc do, its
always also somcthing clsc that spcaks
through us, and that is dcath. Thcrc wc arc,
trying to gct somc goodics lrom thc
supcrmarkct shcll, and what addrcsscs us
shamclcssly: cath. cath in vcgctablcs,
dcath in sh, dcath in lruit. And its our lault.
!ts our lault that things wcrc plantcd, bccausc
wc wantcd to lccd our childrcn and husbands
and now its our lault that thc plants turn
against us. An cxamplc, il ! may, lor thc
turnabout: Sincc .c my husband sucrcd
lrom urcthritis inammation ol thc urinary
tract as a conscqucncc ol gonorrhca. His
Addisons discasc prcvcntcd a curc, his
immunc systcm was wcakcncd. An autopsy
also rcvcalcd a chlamydia inlcction. !t is
transmittcd cxclusivcly by scxual
contact wcll now, lrom whom to whom:
You can bc surc ! didnt bargain lor that
illncss, but ! got it anyway. !t was Ari who
gavc mc my rcal pcarls, that was much latcr
though, thc rst thing ! got was thc discasc.
My stillbirths and miscarriagcs whcrc
probably a rcsult ol my gctting inlcctcd.
8ccausc chlamydcs can prcvcnt thc amniotic
sac lrom maturing bclorc thc lctus has rcally
dcvclopcd and triggcr prcmaturc births and
miscarriagcs. No onc kccps his shapc, as !
said carlicr, othcrs havc said it too. ! also told
it to my clothcs and thcy listcn to mc: thcy
totally mcrgc with thc shapc and thcy stay, as
il nailcd in. 8ccausc thats all thcrc is. Thcrc
is no morc. Vith thc lorccd smilc in my cycs !
glow bctwccn my dcad childrcn as thc ctcrnal
light, bcaming into thc housc, albcit painlul
to thc outsidc. Thc prcss is thcrc. !n my arms
thc child was dcad. nc thcy didnt cvcn
show mc, thc othcr onc ! didnt cvcn gct to
scc. Ycs, Jack inlcctcd mc and rcluscd to givc
mc thc ncccssary inlormation as to why and
whom ! havc to thank lor it. Sincc ! had to
thank him lor cvcrything. Hc kisscs likc a
sort ol Casanova, no mattcr whom, thc way
hc gcncrally trcats his clicntclc, thc public.
Vcll, Jack didnt nccd any stitchcs, hc was
scamlcss, thats clcar, ! should think. Hc
rathcr was a packagc, an cmpty onc,
lrcqucntly opcncd, nothing in it, a packagc
that only arrivcs, altcr hc cmpticd his lull
loads ol sccrccics about and ovcr so many
womcn. Nothing was lclt. vcrything was
lclt, but not lor mc. Vc dont cxist at all. Yct:
Vc arc thc rulcrs ol thc public, who givc us
our houscs and much morc: thc world around
us, rcally, which wc lclt bchind, hcadcd lor
ctcrnity. Vc arc madc lor ctcrnity, but wc
dont know why. And though wc walkcd
through thc vallcy ol thc shadow ol dcath, wc
arc still madc lor ctcrnity. And though wc
wcrc woocd in thc shadow ol dcath, wc still
wcrc madc lor ctcrnity. Thc light is wrong.
You scc that light that comcs lrom that
woman, Marilyn, that light is wrong, and that
is why that poor woman, who dccp down did
not intcrcst us at all, that is cxactly why that
poor woman dicd. Vc all dic, but that woman
dicd with good rcason. 8ccausc wc wcrc not
intcrcstcd. Vc wcrc morc intcrcstcd in our
dcad childrcn, whom wc didnt cvcn know,
than in that woman. And why: ! dont know
cithcr! ! look at hcr picturc as at a piccc ol
lurniturc in my room. And ! lorbid Jack any
intcraction with hcr, out ol pity, no
misundcrstanding now, plcasc, shc ncvcr was
a rival, shc wasnt cvcn a rival, shc was
nothing and nobody, though cvcryonc ol
coursc also kncw hcr. Jack wont go down
with hcr, and shc wont go down on him, no
mattcr, shc docsnt count and that is bccausc
shc ncvcr lcarncd to count. ! could havc
j eli nek
62
taught hcr a lcw things, but shc ncvcr askcd
mc. Thrilt in splurging, thats it. Saving
oncscll by prctcnding to givc oncscll lrccly,
wcll, ! ncvcr prctcndcd cvcn that gcncrosity,
! mcan. ! was likc scwn by hand, stitch by
stitch, ! didnt lall apart as quickly as othcrs,
though ! had plcnty ol rcason lor it. Thc
cntirc right sidc ol thc hcad was gonc! All thc
way down to thc right car! Thc ccrcbcllum
was dangling lrom thc back ol his hcad on a
singlc strand ol tissuc thats how onc could
dcscribc my ncw drcss, which ! will bc
wcaring only oncc, likc all my othcr drcsscs.
Maybc a drcss with a loosc button. ! tricd to
hold his skull togcthcr likc thc wholc lamily.
Thcrc was no morc. Nothing. All dcad, all
dcad, thats my world now, dcath. thcrs havc
thcir culturc, which ! havc too, morc at any
ratc than thosc stupid sistcrsinlaw, thosc
ccntcrs ol thcir circlc ol lricnds, cvcryonc has
that, but any timc wc lccl any culturc rising in
us, wc arc ghting it, bccausc wc want to stay
our unadultcratcd sclvcs. And thats what wc
show thc amazcd crowds. That wc arc
cxclusivcly oursclvcs and that wc dont nccd
anything or anybody clsc, wc, no, only mc,
only mc, with my tcascd bouant, pillbox at
thc back ol thc hcad, my narrow shcath
drcsscs, tight jackcts with big buttons and
plain coats. ! cvcn told Marilyn, shc should
savc hcrscll lor hcrscll, shc should watch out
lor hcrscll, as wc, thc rich, and thosc
prctcnding to bc, always did, and will always
do. ! lor onc wasnt always rich, ! was cvcn
poor, rcally poor, but lrom a rich lamily, no,
wc still didnt havc to savc, wc, thc rich, cvcn
il wc arc poor, wcll always bc thcrc, bccausc
wc always savcd up oursclvcs. Thats why
thcrc arc so lcw ol us. Vc hoard oursclvcs,
until thcrc is a vast cmptincss around us, thc
cmptincss ol dcath, that is log moving up and
down, that is an altcrnoon lrittcrcd away at
thc privatc bcach, an cvcning wastcd with
train and crown. Thats thc wholc sccrct.
Nothing morc to it. Forgct piling dollar upon
dollar, savc yourscll. You too, dcar Marilyn,
but unlortunatcly you cxistcd in only two
vcrsions, as light and as shadow. You would
havc nccdcd that cmptincss, not light and
shadow, darkncss and lightncss. So that
cvcryonc would back o you, instcad ol
having thcm run to you to thc movics.
Ridiculous. How can onc savc anything ol
oncscll, il cvcryonc wants cvcrything ol
oncscll: How could wc bc savcd: !t is
rclativcly simplc to skimp with light, but il
you want to scc, youll nccd it altcr all. !ts thc
light that makcs all thc dicrcncc. You,
Marilyn, arc nothing but light, thc grcatcst
unccrtainty, shccr nothingncss, worsc than
thc tablc in my room with thc lrcsh owcrs on
it. Vorsc than thc cap on my hcad, which
barcly staycd on my hair, it tcctcrcd right on
top, whilc my husband topplcd ovcr. At lcast
you wcnt bclorc him. vcrything is quitc
matcrial, Marilyn. 8ut you arc not. ! say shc is
not mattcr, your Marilyn, shc docs not mattcr.
Shc is dccay, lor shc is csh. And cvcn though
this csh consists ol light dccay shc must.
Shc was alrcady dccomposcd whcn hcr blond
shock ol hair was still sizzling out ol thc
con likc thc loam lrom a rc cxtinguishcr.
My cap was pinncd down, but Marilyn, shc
always lorgot, ol coursc, to pin hcrscll down.
Hcr hair just kcpt owing out ol thc con, it
wouldnt go in, thc biggcst humiliation. Shc
could no longcr lilt hcr arm. That would
ncvcr havc happcncd to my hair. My hair was
onc smooth, cold, black, absolutcly lightlcss
surlacc. 8lack, as wc know, catchcs thc light
and docsnt lct it out ol its cagc again. Shc
wasnt uscd to that, poor woman, thcn again,
shc was uscd to it, always ghting, as shc had
to, against hcr always willing csh, so that it
could translorm itscll complctcly into light.
That was wrong. Somcthing always was lclt,
jacki e
63
ol coursc. Crumbs lor thc mob. Thc howling
dogs right ncxt to hcr. That shock ol hair.
Cant gct it out ol my mind. Sticking out ol
thc con likc thc twirling pompom ol somc
tacky chccrlcadcr. Shc camc lrom nothing,
that blond woman, who isnt blond at all,
cvcry wcck an old Russian woman rubbcd
pcroxidc into thc roots ol hcr hair, no wondcr
it wantcd to cscapc, whcn it thought it could
still do it, to cscapc just oncc!, no wondcr, that
shc actually consists ol nothing, Marilyn, shc
is nothing, and thcrc is nothing shc can do,
cvcn il shc hcrscll has bccn lclt: Vith hcr
ovcrly voluptuous body, sown into thc glittcr
drcss, it could only whispcr, that drcss,
bccausc it didnt gct any air. Happy 8irthday,
Mr. Prcsidcnt . . . Givc mc a brcak! Shcs out!
ut lor good! ut ol this world, up, up and
away, though curvy and carthbound, hips
cshy, bust and shouldcrs just about to losc
thcir shapc, just about to burst through thc
scams, cant hold hcr back, cant hold hcrscll
in, cant hold on to thc promisc ol hcr shapc.
!n short, a pcrson who dcspcratcly nccds
clothcs, morc so than !, who !S thc clothcs!,
must takc o, incvitably, in a hurry. Marilyn.
Hcr hair wont gct out alivc, ! can scc that
alrcady. Thc violcnt dralt thats stirrcd up
whcncvcr onc aims lor a highcr social status
blcw hcr up and away, lorcvcr. Marilyn. So
hcrc wc wcrc cxpcricncing thc rst natural
birth, ! mcan thc birth ol whats natural, ol
naturc itscll, and thcn its all ovcr so quickly.
nc can look at naturc lor hours, but whcn
its ruincd, lct it go! Nothing to bc donc. !n
my casc you will scc instcad thc birth ol
articc, which naturc hidcs so skilllully, that
naturc itscll disappcars and with it lilc as il
thosc two had cvcr bccn natural! You scc, thc
ccct is thc samc, whcthcr its thc birth ol art
or naturc. Thcy both rot oncc wc gct closc to
thcm, making a mcss ol thcm. Always kccp
your distancc! 8oth naturc and art risc lrom
thcir scats with astonishing spccd and sincc
wc got thcm out ol balancc, thcrc, on thcir
\!P sccsaw, onc up, onc down and thcn thc
othcr way around, on this sccsaw its always
oncscll who hits thc ground rathcr roughly.
You dont bclong to thc cclcbs, bc honcst.
8clonging could cnrich your lilc, but its
bcttcr you stick to your own thoughts. At
lcast thcy cant bc sccn, but thcy do nccd you,
thcy cant do without you. Vc can wc, thc
\!Ps. !l naturc gocs, lilc gocs, as ! said
bclorc, bccausc thcy arc onc, il not always in
agrccmcnt, thc brcasts, lor cxamplc, would
nally havc to dccidc now whcthcr or not thcy
agrcc with thc hips that comc with thcm.
And thcn thc lacc and thc lcgs should also
match, thats asking a bit much, but wc, thc
rich, can ask that ol oursclvcs. Vc can ask
anything ol oursclvcs, bccausc wc alrcady got
it. Ycs, thc articial must not hidc its
articiality, it can bc thc way it is. 8ut whcn
naturc gcts into thc act, although shc always
acts, though not vcry artistically, poor
Marilyn, thcn its gctting scrious, bclicvc mc!
Vhcn thc play bcgins its gctting dcadly
scrious. !n thc school ol lilc onc can achicvc
such and such a dcgrcc ol indcpcndcncc, but
thc matcrial, thc csh thats undcrncath locks
itscll out and dcspcratcly looks lor thc kcy,
thats how it was with Marilyn. ! ncvcr shut
myscll in, and ! ncvcr shut myscll o lrom thc
victory ol articiality. That poor woman, as il
it wasnt cnough to losc thc kcy, shc thrcw it
out thc window to makc surc shcd ncvcr
rcturn to hcrscll. Shc ncvcr rcally was quitc
thcrc. ! dccidcd myscll what and who and
whcrc ! wantcd to bc. So it gocs. Thc csh
succumbs and it succumbs cspccially last
whcn it comcs lrom thc suburbs. Thc csh
comcs strcaming out ol thc suburbs, its
coming towards us cvcn whcn wc makc a trip
to thc bcach, but its running right past us, thc
wholc strcam runs to thc ncwsstand to buy
j eli nek
64
picturcs ol us, cvcn though wc arc standing
right in lront ol thcm, in thc csh, but no, wc
ncvcr minglc with thc crowd. Vcll, thc csh
docsnt always gct by unharmcd, but most ol
thc timc it docs. Vho would bc intcrcstcd in
it, othcr than othcr csh: Most ol thc timc it
misscs us, and unlortunatcly it will havc to
rccognizc its limits il it docsnt t any longcr
into last ycars slacks. My limit consists ol
duchcssc and wool, and thats whcrc its going
to stay. Marilyns limit was hcr csh. Poor
thing. Light ccs us, it gocs up and away. Shc
was thc light ccting, somcthing thats
alrcady gonc whilc its still thcrc. !t still gcts
invcstcd with lcclings, but only as a jokc.
Thats what thcy dont undcrstand, thosc
womcn. Thc owncr ol thc lrcc world tclls
thcm quickly bclorc hc lcavcs: ! am rcady to
rcally hurt you, il you dont stop. His littlc
brothcr also tclls thcm that, only a littlc latcr
ol coursc, hc only comcs sccond. Thcy lct him
havc thc sccond turn. 8ut Marilyn cant hcar
that anymorc, bccausc shc was in such a hurry
to hurt hcrscll much lastcr. That nasty light
prcscnts itscll to us in all its lakcncss, dots on
thc scrccn, lor ctcrnity, which is morc ccting
than anything clsc, bccausc it has no
bcginning and no cnd, morc ccting cvcn
than thc light that projccts pcoplc onto thc
scrccn, whcrc it lcts thcm starvc to dcath, no
wondcr that that kind ol thing is catchy and
my husband wantcd to imitatc it: Lct thcm
starvc to dcath at his outstrctchcd arms, and il
wc wantcd to takc anything lrom this tray, it
wasnt thcrc. !t was gonc. vcrything wc put
thcrc lalls o immcdiatcly, into nothingncss.
You scc. Thats how Marilyn was. nc wants
to gct a hold ol hcr, thcrc is nothing. nly hcr
hair rcsistcd, ! cant gct it out ol my hcad, !
cant gct it out ol my hcad. Ycs, thc ccct is
thc samc with mc. Thcy cant gct a hold ol mc
cithcr, ! am not csh, ! am its loil, ! am thc
drcss! My silhoucttc ncvcr changcs. ! am
unchangcablc. And thc lcss onc is ablc to hold
on to, thc morc clcarly ! am hcrc, but ! havc
no light. ! scnt it away. !n all thosc ashlights,
without any privacy, ! am complctcly privatc
by bcing complctcly public and onc docsnt
diminish thc othcr. ! can bc lramcd in black, !
can bc all in black and pull a vcil ovcr my lacc,
! can bc lrcshly lallcn snow ncxt to Pablo
Casals or !saac Stcrn, ! can shakc my hcad
and opcn my cycs widc, my lavoritc posc, !
can soltly brcathc my words or warblc likc a
rst gradcr asking thc rst qucstion in hcr
lilc, whcrc did thcy put Abraham Lincolns
bcd, bccausc ! want to put it right hcrc, ! had
planncd that lor a long timc, but dcspitc all
that: Thcy wont takc anything lrom mc. My
husband can dic, my brothcrinlaw can dic,
twcnty thousand, hundrcd thousand othcr
pcoplc can dic in thc junglc: Ycs, why not in
thc junglc, whcrcvcr, why should ! carc, who
carcs, at any ratc, thcy arc not taking
anything lrom mc, bccausc ! lockcd up
cvcrything in my clothcs, myscll includcd. !
am and ! am not. ! am also a sort ol vampirc.
! am dcad, but ! wont dic. Pcoplcs wishcs,
ycs, including thosc rcgarding mc, surgc
around mc, ! am thc ship on thosc wavcs, but
cvcrything is lockcd in and sown up. Purc
wool. Purc will! A highcr dcgrcc ol matcrial
indcpcndcncc, no, not yct, that comcs latcr.
Simply wanting to bc, that is only wanting to
bc and thcn wanting to bc kcpt as wcll, thats
not possiblc. Got to tcll Marilyn. Shc only
wants to bc kcpt, shcs waiting lor it. Shc is
waiting lor a nicc mastcr. That docsnt work.
nc cant just want to losc oncscll in ordcr to
bc pickcd up and kcpt by somconc clsc. That
only lcads to constant phonc calls,
whimpcring lcar, shaking limbs, tclcphonc
calls, slccping pills, tclcphonc calls, and all
kinds ol lorbiddcn substanccs. Vcll, Jack and
! did that too lor ycars, dccadcs, but it didnt
do us any harm. Took a lot, gavc back littlc.
jacki e
65
Thats how wc do it. Luckily r. Jacobson
rcmaincd silcnt during thc trial. ! implorcd
him, our jolly host, not to say anything about
his mcnu, cxccpt to us, his rcgular customcrs.
Not likc that r. cath, who makcs surc
cvcryonc is talking about him. 8ut cvcn dcath
has to markct himscll, who would othcrwisc
acccpt him voluntarily: Poor Marilyn is all !
can say, shc wantcd to gct hcrscll to cmbracc
lilc onc morc timc and with my Jack, ol all
pcoplc. And lor this shc lclt hcr placc ol work
without pcrmission, ran o thc shoot whcn
thcrc was nothing lclt to shoot, just to cut!
Shc must havc bccn crazy. Got rcd, thats
thc way it gocs. isciplinc is cvcrything, wcll,
wc all havc that in our lamily. ! am, how shall
! say solid. ! am my own piccc ol lurniturc.
! survivc dicrcntly, bccausc ! am csh and
blood, but at thc samc timc ! am not. ! am
madc ol this and that drcss, this coat, that
casual look, mostly slacks. ! am clothing. Ycs.
Light is nccdcd so that onc can scc mc in my
clothcs and apprcciatc thc dctails. Not so
Marilyn. Light docsnt nccd any dctails insidc
its circlc. holy halo! Hail, Mary. No
blcsscd virgin hcrc to hclp. Shc docsnt hclp
womcn. Shcs altcr mcn. Likc cvcryonc clsc. !
am too. !, howcvcr, am altcr myscll, ! gct on
top ol myscll, to makc myscll look tallcr, cvcn
though ! am not all that short, ! gct on top ol
my own csh and likc a hungry vulturc ! tcar
picccs ol csh out ol myscll lor thc crowd to
scc that ! am also madc ol csh. And thcy
rcally bclicvc it! No, thcy dont bclicvc it.
vcn so: That was a good act, wasnt it:
Thcrc is somcthing that docsnt go away and
! dont know what it is. Somchow it irritatcs
mc likc a splintcr undcr thc skin, undcr my
stripcd bcach swcatcr. 8ut oncc again, it
docsnt do any good. !t rcally hurts to cxprcss
an cmotion lor cvcryonc to scc it. 8clicvc mc.
Hcllo: Anybody homc: ! am tclling you,
thcl says, concluding lrom my prcscncc and
bchavior, which docs not includc an invitation
to hcr, which irritatcs hcr quitc a bit, so thcl
says lor mc to hcar, wcll, ! am hcrc and thcn
to Joan: o you havc any cluc about thc
prcssurc that girl is undcr Now that shc just
lost anothcr baby: ! am tclling you, that girl is
on mcdication or whatcvcr. Thats what shc
said, swccttalking mc, comlorting mc, but !
dont cvcn noticc, things likc that and
whatnot, whatcvcr, shc kcpt saying about mc.
8ut thats always thc othcrs: Thcy arc not
what is hcll. Thcy arc whatcvcr. So what thc
hcll. l coursc !vc had it, no qucstion.
Nothing to improvc, nothing to makc worsc.
Vc arc all undcr prcssurc, no qucstion, but !
am not to bc crushcd! Thcy can prcss and
squcczc and whatnot, but nothing will comc
out, not cvcn watcr. ! stay by myscll. !ll tcll
you my sccrct: Ncvcr rush a crush. !d rathcr
rush to myscll, to comlort myscll, but no onc
is thcrc. Thcrcs not cvcn thc hair, likc
Marilyns. That lcll out all by itscll quitc a
whilc ago, bccausc ol thc canccr. !snt that
lunny: Thcrc isnt cvcn any hair to lall out. !l
! wcrc a body, !d wondcr. ! wavc my hand in
lront ol my lacc: Hcllo, anybody homc: 8ut !
only look at myscll. Vhy shouldnt ! look at
myscll: Thats what cvcryonc clsc docs. No.
No onc homc. Not cvcn my hair. Hcavcns,
will you look at that! Not cvcn my hair is
homc. Complctcly uninhabitablc! ncc again
! am in thc middlc ol rcnovating. ! alrcady
pickcd thc drapcs. Thcy arc so grcat, no onc
will ask about my hair. Ycs, thats how wc do
it. No qucstion.
End of play.