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Dedicated to Nellie Gray Barrus

"Had a wonderful vacation in Roxbury at the school house.
David loved to swim in a stream by a huge rock.
Each p.m. the cows would come down for a drink."
(Baby Days, Vacations 1960 Nellie Wyder)
Dont wanna sleep,
Dont wanna die,
Just wanna go a-travelin through the pasture of the sky
Chapter One: Gatesway CEO Has Sex With Cow
Chapter Two: Bossy Tweed Wins Election
Chapter Three: Cows Face Extinction
Chapter Four: The Cowmercial Issue
Chapter Five: Escape From Feedlot No. 9
Chapter Six: Cowleones Cherry Busted
Chapter Seven: Remember The Alamoo
Chapter Eight: Miss Piggy Murdered
Chapter Nine: Cowpone Assassinated
Chapter Ten: Golf Crisis Looms
Chapter Eleven: Make Love Not Milk
Chapter Twelve: War On Bugs
Chapter Thirteen: The Cowstock Festival
Chapter Fourteen: Milk Strike Hits U.S.
NORTH SIOUX CITY, SD-The serenity of the bovine world was shattered today
when local sheriffs officers arrested Bob Apple, the CEO of Gatesway
Computers, and charged him with sexually abusing a calf. The robust
manufacturing cowpany known for shipping their computers in boxes with a
Holstein motif had sales of over $7.7 billion last year. Local Persecutor Ludvik
Ramrod charged Mr. Apple with 13 counts of bestiality. If convicted the computer
moogul could face twenty years in prison. As cows in this small state choked on
their cud at the horrifying news, word up in the field is that more indictments of
digital dickheads doing cows is forthcoming.
The latest sex scandal to rock the US erupted when a young and portly Holstein
fashion model by the name of Ariola Bakery spilled the beans of her six month
affair with Apple to Daily Cow via email. She wrote that she was kept in a barn at
Gatesway headquarters where during the day artists would make paintings of her
markings to design their shipping boxes. At night Apple would come visit and
have sex with her. "He had this groovy-smelling long pipe that he seduced me
with. Our sex took place nearly every night but I soon grew tired of his ravenous
sexual appetite. He threatened to send me to hamburger heaven if I did not give
in to his sexual advances."
The straw that broke her back happened last week when Apple invited other
digital kingpins to bang his bovine. They were introduced to her as "The Farmer
In The Dell" and "Goofy Guy with Glasses." All three spent the night ejaculating
on her favorite muu muus which have since been turned over to local
persecutors for DNA testing. Also, unbeknownst to the billionaire bovine
bangers, a friend of Bakery's installed a video camera in the barn a few days
earlier and a record now exists of these crapitalists having their way with the
nubile calf. After that nights debauchery, Ariola finally broke free from her stall
and enlisted the aid of local animal activists who spirited her away to Dr. Jack
Off's Hoe Barn in Michigan.
Reaction from the bovine cowmunity has been muted but current leader Bossy
Tweed did release a statement while barnstorming Iraq in search of the perfect
veil. "These three wise ass men worth billions are nothing more than
sanctimonious scumbags. Cows be on the alert! We are now surrounded by
digital degenerates who have created a manipulative, ad-driven culture whose
main product is misinformation. Their ejaculate contains a steady stream of
distortions, exaggerations and lies. Our moos for virtue, morality and truth ring
hollow in their world of profit and legal fraud. Do not look for redress from their
justice system. I implore all farm animals to run for the hills and wear chastity
Their government spends billions protecting its citizens from Middle East
terrorism but does little to protect it from these bogus bulls running wild on Wall
Street and in our barns. Big business cowglomerates and government
cheeseheads are in cowhoots with one another and bestiality is their latest dark
and dirty secret. These butchers of information with their oversized brains and
puny peckers must be stopped! To this end I have assigned special agents from
our Cow Underground Nerve Tactical Squad (CUNTS) to target these bovine
boffers and bomb them with treated manure gas which will render them impotent
(continued back cover)
Page 1 Cover Story
Page 2, 4 Just Say Cheese
Page 3, 5 Cow News
Page 6 Celebrity Cowpies
Page 7 Cowmentary
Page 8 Pinup
Page 9 DC Interview
Page 10 John Burroughs
Page 11, 12 Cow Sex Tales
Page 13 Cow Physics
Page 14 When Cows Fly
Page 15 Butcher Stew
Page 16, 17 Cowmics
Page 18, 19 Vampire Cow
Page 20 Cowetry
Page 21 DC Stamps
Page 22 Kale
Page 23 Alfalfa
Page 24 Feedback
Page 25 Happy Birthday
Page 26 Cowmercials
Page 27 Dummy Cow
Page 28 The End Plop
The Dead End Cows
Avoid cliches like the plague. When
you come down to it all you have is
yourself. The sun is a thousand rays
upon your udder. Watch out for
sexual predators.
The 10 Year Anniversary Issue of
Daily Cow (1988-1998)
Its a sad day for American Capitalism when a CEO cant sodomize a cow
in the morning and fly a kite over Central Park in the afternoon.
(Bob Apple after being arrested)
OK, so it not a bull but a Holstein named Ariola. She accompanied
Gatesway CEO Bob Apple to the New York Stock Exchange when the
company made its Big Board debut. The direct marketer of personal
computers, which uses a cow figure on its boxes, said it had toyed with
the idea of having MOO as its stock symbol but settled for GTW
instead. (09/09/08)
Passaic, NJ-The Orange Julius Frostman Library on
Gregory Avenue has had it with cows. Since
September a herd of rowdy bovines has taken over the
library creating havoc for the staff and their
According to Head Custodian Robert Holstein, cows
have eaten up all the grass and shrubbery outside.
They also drop massive cowpies on the sidewalk and
three patrons were recently injured when they slipped
and fell into the manure. Once inside, the bulky
bovines knock over the chairs, tables and displays and
have even been caught in the restroom having sex with
each other. Milk stains are all over the carpet. They
constantly moo so loud that shushing bookworms
cannot cowncentrate on their reading. Many of the
cows have even charged the library staff when told to
pay fines for overdue books and viciously slapped
them in the mouth with their tails.
Head Librarian Rhoda Dick is outraged. "These
salacious, stupid, and smelly animals can't read. All
they do is look at the pictures and moo. Libraries
should be for people not animals, but in Passaic it's
getting hard to tell the difference! One Indian patron
told me that these grounds belong to the cows and that
in his country they are allowed everywhere. I bitch
slapped him upside the head and told him that he was
in America now and these cows belong in McDonald's
not the Public Library!"
We contacted City Hysteerian Mork Acerbate to give
us the lowdown and he thanked us for waking him up
because he did not have an alarm clock: "Did you
know that Hitler was a vegetarian? We must kill these
cows immediately. What if they spread mad cow
disease to Agendaville's citizens? My research on this
subject has shown that the library grounds use to be an
ancient stud barn for a breed of bovines known as
Shirelles. However, they sold this land in 1909 to OJ
Frostman and legally have no claim to the land."
In recent days Passaic Police Chief Rusty Zipper has
beefed up security at the Library and vows that any
cow found within 100 feet of the building will be
arrested for trespassing. "Here in Agendaville we don't
have to be prodded to deal with our cattle problems.
These arrogant and bossy cows will be driven from the
library pronto."
As usual the blame for the cow flap fell at the fungus
feet of DAILY COW publisher David Mooey. Since
mooving in July from 121 Gregory Avenue (just down
the street from the Public Library) to 87 Richard
Street (the udder side of town), cows have no place to
hang out. His vast cowlection of books and cow
archives are currently in a storage bin on River Drive
making them inaccessible to the bovine population.
When pressed for a statement the Ritalin-popping
Mooey said, "When the hallowed corridors of a
library are heavy with the scent of cow, it is the end of
living and the beginning of survival. We will reclaim
our sacred breeding ground."
Atlantic City, NJ-A monument honoring cows was
unveiled yesterday adjacent to the Taj Mahal Casino.
The Tomb of the Unknown Cow honors the millions
of working cows in America who have been
slaughtered and milked to feed this wonderful
consumption-driven nation in the past century. The
garish structure, in the shape of a classic cow, stands
on a solid gold pedestal, painted in a black & white
motif, spans a city block and stands three stories high.
Designed by world renowned architect Ophelia Crack,
it is estimated to have cost over 20 million dollars to
The 1st floor is a museum dedicated to a nation of
unknown and dead cows. Visitors enter through an
area marked "use udder door" and are given a one
hour tour entitled "The Wonderful World of Bovines."
Highlights include exhibits devoted to Clarabella,
Elsie Borden, various dairies, beef companies, cutlery
and farming. An electronic talking cow named
Buttercup Bonanza follows visitors on the tour and
demonstrates the entire process of how milk is made
whilst munching on artificial hay. A souvenir shop
sells milk, ice cream, cheese, leather goods, and cow
figurines. In one room you can milk a live cow and in
another a live cow is butchered. A special prayer-
scream room has been included for people to give
their devotions to these special animals who have
given so much and asked for so little in return.
The 2nd floor contains a new casino called the Cash
Cow Casino where over 400 new video slot machines
with a bovine theme are ready to suck the moola out of
feverish gambler's pockets. Slot machines include
Udder Mania, Milk Money, Moo Money, Haywire,
Meat Millions, Hay Fever, Leather Lucre, Dairy
Dollars, Bet The Farm, Purple Cow Sevens, Bovine
Bucks, and the very popular Cud Cash. The Udder
Mania progressive jackpot winner gets a herd of
Jersey cows and a farm in upstate New York. A
special prayer-scream room is also included on this
floor for gamblers who have given so much and gotten
s o little in
COWS GET WIRED-Thanks to the efforts of Bovine Billionaire Bea Babs Boobinsky cows
now have Internet access. Her company, Pasture Internet Slip Stream (PISS), developed a
special heavy duty foot mouse and slick tongue moodem which has enabled bored with grazing
bovines the opportunity to surf the web while grazing. Pictured above are cows on line
waiting to get online and chat up a herd of cows in Bullgaria. PISS reports that cows log onto
pages devoted to food, sky diving, Laverne & Shirley and download pictures of bulls.
MILK MOOGUL MONICOW LEWSTINKY-The smartest cow in the world starts her
publicity tour in Washington, DC and signs her new book for smart human children. She
introduced into their young vocabularies the meaning of words like hummer, blowjob,
oral sex, and genitalia, which were previously unknown to most young nippers. In
addition, her dairy advertisements for that other white liquid have stimulated deflated milk
sales making her the savior of farmers all across the land. Next up? A promo for milkers knee
Ogletown, DE- When it comes to udders, American
cows get a T rating (for titanic) at least in cup size.
According to a survey by Merrill Lynch ("We're
Bullish on America") almost 44% of American cows
now wear bras. The bovine brassieres are
manufactured by a Twin Peaks, California company
called Bovine Udder Bras Amalgamated (BUBA)
which reported profits of over $36 million dollars last
Farmers continue to complain about this latest fashion
trend citing the time it takes before and after milking
to unhook and rehook the bras to the udder. "It cuts
down on our productivity and besides we like to see
them swinging those loaded cannons when they come
into the barn. Now with them holstered we ain't getting
titillated no more. It's just another boring day in the
milking parlor for us with these prudish cows," said
unhappy farmer Dick Wacker.
In addition, the survey showed that 42% of the cows
thought their udders were pear shaped, 40% said they
were pendulous, and 18% said they looked like milk
bags. The survey concluded that cows are getting
more modest about their private parts as they enter the
21st century. A majority would even consider stepping
into underwear and lingerie when they hit the market!
Jolly Dump, SD- If a farmer tells you to "stick it where
the sun don't shine," they might be doing you a favor.
According to Dr. Ben Dover a sex-cum-proctologist-
cum-veterinarian, a finger up your cow's bottom for 30
seconds a day can improve her health. The good
doctor (who we refused to shake hands with)
explained to us that "sphincter tension" is a major
cause of death in cows today. He says the best way to
relieve this tension is by shoving a clean finger up
their rear ends at least twice a day. "These cows are
under tremendous amounts of pressure to produce
unlimited quantities of milk and deliver prize calves.
They are overworked, constipated, and pissed off at
the world. When I give them the finger they smile at
me and go on to lead productive lives."
Many bovine health experts like Howie Feltersnatch
are poo-poohing Dover's claims saying that most
assholes like to be left alone. "This notion that cow
sphincters are tense is asinine. I have never been
around a cow who didn't let fly with her fecal calling
card within 15 minutes of meeting me. They are the
most relaxed creatures on the face of this fertile earth
and have very little stress to deal with. This crackpot
Ben Dover is a filthy pervert dispensing suppository
advice to a nation of farmers who will listen to any
quack with a degree when they get behind in their
payments to the bank. The digital age of farming
means computerized pie and flow charts not fingers in
the derriere (dairyair!)."
Crapo, MD- Beloved crooner, bullshit artist and
reputed mobsteer Flank Sinatra passed away last night
after a two year battle with Hoof In Mouth Disease. A
month prior to his death he was able to record one last
song entitled "Scooby Dooby Moo" which was
released yesterday and shot to the top of the charts
with a bullet.
The bull with the golden throat had many hits over the
years including "The Bossy Is A Tramp," Kick Your
Ass In The Grass," "Heifers In The Night,"
"Something In The Way She Moos" and "Milkman
Magic." He barnstormed the world over and delighted
farm animals with his big barn concerts. Born in
Cheesequake, New Jersey the skinny bull with blue
eyes found the world of entertainment more to his
liking than a male bovines usual career in studom.
His string of six marriages over the years to the likes
of Josie Bigbooty, Mary Humpstone, Barb Dwyer,
Mary Christmas, Penny Pincher and the underage
Uretha Franklin all ended in bitter acrimony. His well
publicized penile reduction surgery ten years ago
scandalized the bovine world. Flank's lack of progeny
over the years led many to whisper that he was
impotent. He often got in trouble with the law for
being friendly with members of the Milk Mafia and
trampling anyone who got in his way. Flank Sinatra
will be buried next week at his summer farm in Weed
Heights, Nevada. The inscription on his tombstone is
purported to be: "Always be sincere, even if you don't
mean it."
Sandwich, NH- An emaciated Guernsey named Lizz
B. Ann ended her three month hunger strike yesterday
saying that by becoming a vegetable she was only
serving the interests of her enemies. Ms. Liz B. Ann, a
resident of Dyke Brothers Farm, and other
homoosexual cows is upset that they are being
segregated from each other and not allowed to lead a
homogenized life together.
In a statement released to the Internet newsgroup
alt.butch.cows she explained: "As calves we are
branded queer, separated from the herd, and as soon as
we approach adulthood butchered in order to erase our
genetic bloodline. All we are asking is not to be
bullied (we prefer artificial insemination) and the
opportunity to marry our sisters and live out our lives
in contentment. All beings, regardless of sexual
orientation, must be treated equally. Give Me Tongue
Or Give Me Death!"
(Our favorite scandalmonger chatters idly about other cows. She brings the dirt from the pasture right into your
barns. The Bull Starts and Stops Right Here!)
Welcome DAILY COW fans to the inaugural column of Celebrity Cowpies. I'm Bessie Largemouth (*a
Polish Red*) and very excited about taking over this page from the reportedly deceased Guru Moo (a
Brown Swiss). My informants in Europe tell me that she was not slaughtered and is still alive but under
heavy medication. Rumor has it she was taken to a Funny Farm in the South of France in a leather
strait-jacket. My mole on Mount Moo told me that it was her cryptic metaphysical musing that finally
drove her crazy and made her susceptible to being snared in the butterfly net. (*Denotes B.O.B./Breed of
In the world of print zines R. Seth Feedman (a Brown Atlas) has called it quits at Feedsheet Five and is
looking for a buyer (price 50,000 clams). The so-called Bible of review zines may get bought up by
corporate interests but it will never be the same. We wish Seth well and hopes he gets some big clams for
all the hours he put in...Dougy Holland (a Caucasian Brown) of Zine World is rumoured to be bullimic
having lost over 200 pounds since starting the "honest opinion" review zine...Ruel Ravioli (an Italian
Red Pied) of Amusing Yourself To Death (the "in depth opinion" review zine) is rumoured to be
mad-cowly in love with boob tube star Gilligan Anderson (another Italian Red Pied) and sending her
edible flowers every day whilst paying for it with subscriber monies...Daily Cow publisher David Mooey
(a Pale Jackass) is reportedly writing the script for the first bovine porn moovie entitled "Debbie Does
David In Dallas" which will surely land him in hot water with federal authorities and tarnish his milky
clea image...Dan Druff (a Texas Longhorn) of Cud Quarterly was arrested for selling drug-laced beef
In the rerun world of TV land cows my sources inform me that Jersey Seinfield (a Holstein) is bored out
of his skull after ending the run of his hit show and is making a sport of hitting the hay with
newlywedded & big-uddered females while the groom's back is turned...CBS newsbull Sawyer Peters (a
Simmental) was seen hanging out with the Drugrats (Domestic Yaks) at a party in midtown Manhattan
and guests were amazed at how many lines of a certain milky white powder he snorted up his nostrils
with the cowmic cows...Opera Winfry (an Africander), fresh off her trial victory over the Texas
Cattleman's Association, is said to be unfazed by the departure of her long-time beau Studman (a
Brahman) who grew tired of her inflated ego and cooking the books for her conflict of interest book
club...The lovely Rita Mooreno (a Friesian) recuperating nicely from face lift and udder tuck...
In the wacky world of sports Yankees owner Jorge Steinbuller (a German Brown) is said to have made
wild monkey love to Cuban president Fidel Castrator (a Greek Shorthorn) in exchange for some hot new
prospects to stock his aging bullpen... Basketbull's Dennis Rodman (an Icelandic Albino) married sultry
cheerleader Anita Dick (a Japanese Shorthorn) at a barn of prostitution on the outskirts of Las
Vegan...Cow Jockey Dick Ryder (a Limousin) was booked for 2% homocide after abusing Ivana Johnson
(a Belgian Red) who reportedly suffered third degree burns on her udder when Ryder set a match to her
after she lost another race...
In the loud world of music butcher wrapper Sean "Puffy" Cowmbs (Beefalo) threw a gala birthday bash
for himself and was in seventh heaven suckling the again lactating Moodonna (a Hereford) under the
buffet table. The Spice Cows (White Fulani's) were all reportedly impregnated by the same band of bulls
(initials R.E.M.) but were shortly decalfinated at Dr. Jack's Clinic in Buffalo, NY on advice of their
manager Joe Blow (a Belted Galloway)...
That's it for this go round in the world of cow gossip. I hope you enjoyed my first column and feel free
to send me any celebrity cowpies that you come across in care of this zine. Remember to disinfect your
udders twice a week and drink plenty of yage. There is no truth only rumors of such...
(At Daily Cow we are disgusted and turned off
by the latest sex scandal between a human and a cow. In
order to put things in perspective we present the follow-
ing story of love and sex in the pasture between a cow
and a bull. Sex and love the way it is meant to be!)
It was a beautiful October day. The kind of day
where every bull's cock gets hard upon awakening and
stays that way until he goes to sleep at night. Randy was
at his new farm for only the second day and feeling
The next day he was minding his business in the
field when a pretty young heifer named Debi came his
way and started rubbing up against him. She kept telling
him that she needed a bull. Randy was excited and hot to
trot. Yes, when a bull feels the urge to copulate it is hard
to contain. The next time Debi swung her prime buttocks
in his view he mounted her without hesitation. His slip-
pery tool found its way quickly into her warm and moist
cow vagina. He slapped his healthy and hard tool all the
way in. In then out, slow then fast, up then down, and as
was his flair, round and round. She mooed passionately
and he grunted as if he had discovered a new foodstuff to
satiate his hunger. The earth was mooving again...
He rode her for hours making her udder jiggle all the way
to the bank. "Give it to me Randy, give it to me like
you've never given it to anyone", she mooed. Debi was
good, her cunt juices were tasty and her legs were steady
as I pushed my bull cock all the way in to the hilt. She
screamed in delight when I finally came.
A ton of love juice spilled into her cunt and she
looked at me like I had fathered the universe. She danced
all over the pasture as my tongue licked her love hole, her
large teats and udder. We were in heaven, angels fucking
until the cows came home. We looked into each others
eyes, kissed gently with tongue and made a date for
tomorrow. Same time, same place, same dance....
A cow pat on the back and congratulations to us
on our ten year anniversary. As our first decade comes to
a close we look forward to many more issues of this
infamous zine. Doing this zine is still great fun for me.
The many friendships it has nurtured over the years have
made it well worth the time and effort.
After this issue DAILY COW will be heading in
a new direction. The current format which has held
strong for 14 issues will be scrapped.We have simply
cow-punned ourselves to death and run out of those crazy
story ideas that appear in each issue. Future editions of
the zine will be more graphic oriented and have less text.
We will still welcome submissions of text but will aim for
the old precept of "a picture is worth a thousand words."
I hope you enjoy this issue and the many issues
to come. In the words of Philip K. Dick, "reality is that
which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
We hope the same holds true for DAILY COW!
"The Pentagon is reportedly spending
$50,000,000 on Viagra this year.
I guess they finally got the message and want
to make love and not war."
(Cosmo Creamer)
"Patience. In time the grass becomes milk."
(Zen Wizard Udder Chow)
"Mental floss prevents moral decay."
(Sign on CEO's Bob Apple's door)
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
Editor & Publisher: David Mooey
COWTRIBUTORS for #14: Dan Buck, Richard E. Baum,
CBM, Wes Combs, Carl Essex, Kevin Lawrence, Gabe
Martin, Mrs. Moo Moo, K. Starr, Arthur Wiknik Jr., R.
Wilkins, Tean & all unsigned articles by the Editor.
Submissions for publication related wholly to bovines are
welcome. Payment is in issues and our undying love. Daily
Cow is published yearly and is not for profit. This issue is
availabull for $2 cash, 6 first class stamps, zine trade or cow
clippings. Back Issues #1-#13 are $2 each. All 13 can be
had for $20. Checks can be made out to David R. Wyder.
Zine library issue collections are free.
Daily Cow believes that your diet, wardrobe, sense of
humor and oral sex are your own business. The cow and
blowjob are sacred and beautiful in whatever form they may
take. Kiss a cow today but ask first. Not responsible for
Direct all mail and lost cows to the following address:
87 Richard Street, Apt. 7
email: DailyCow@aol.com
web site: members.aol.com/dczines.index2.htm
Moo l Oom
Blind Cow Publications 1998
NAME: Linda Slut Dairy Tripp (AKA LSD Trip)
BIRTHPLACE: Radio Shack, New Jersey
OCCUPATION: Professional Snitch-Bitch-Witch
RELIGION: The Christian Cowalition (Jesus For President in 2000!)
UDDER SIZE: Big enough to supply milk for all the crack dealers in Washington, DC
LAST SLEPT WITH: The Pentagon, Ken "Dark" Starr, Rear Admiral Red Rufunsore
LIKES: Wiretapping, book agents, leeches, rats, genital warts, phone tag
DISLIKES: Sex, friends, The Media, personal privacy, polyesteer pantsuits
FAVE FOODS: Brothel Sprouts, Hemlock Juice, Tyson Ears, Live Bugs, Parisitic Worms
FAVE MOOVIES: The Big CREEP, The Good The Bad & The Ugly, The Elephant Man
FAVE TV SHOWS: To Tell The Truth, Truth or Cowsequences, I've Got A Secret, I Spy
FAVE JOKES: What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
(At a straight rodeo they yell ride that sucker.)
Why did Vince Foster commit suicide?
(He slept with me!)
FANTASY: A threesome with Monicow and Willy!
NIGHTMARE: Having sex with myself!
QUOTE: "Things are seldom what they seem, skim milk masquerades as cream."
DAILY COW: Rumor has it that you look like a cow.
What do you really look like?
DAVID WYDER: I'm 53 years young, a white/male
(Swiss on my father's side and Dutch on my mother's
side). I'm 5'11' and weigh about 145 pounds. I have
brown eyes, brown hair with male pattern baldness, ten
fingers, ten toes, one nose, two ears, two nipples, two
horns, a hairy chest, and a busy penis. I am deaf in one
ear, wear glasses, speak English with a deep, sexy voice
and walk sideways.
DAILY COW: Whatever possessed you to do a zine
about cows in the first place?
DAVID WYDER: I don't know why. People ask me this
all the time. Many years ago I discovered zines through
Mike Gunderloy and Factsheet Five. I sent away for
some and discovered the wacky world of self-publishing.
One October day I was reading the NY Daily News and
started converting some of the articles into cow stories.
Then I started clipping cow pictures and something in
their eyes spoke to me and inspired me to write. The first
issue was crudely done on an electric typewriter back in
November 1988 and I haven't been able to stop since.
DAILY COW: Who are some writers who have influ-
enced you over the years?
DAVID WYDER: Not necessarily in any order but I like
Charles Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson, Stephen King,
Dave Barry, George Carlin, Dostoevsky, Henry Miller,
Tom Robbins, William Burroughs, Mary Baker Eddy
and Emily Dickinson.
DAILY COW: Do you have any other interests or
passions in life besides cows?
DAVID WYDER: My other interests include gambling
(playing the slots!), sex (fucking is the force that drives
the world), baseball (love those Yankees!), reading (I've
never been unhappy with a book in my hands), and I like
to play basketball but don't get outside that much any-
DAILY COW: Who do you love?
DAVID WYDER: I've been in love for the past 22 years
with a wonderful lady named Ernestine Francies. She
udderstands me!
DAILY COW: What organizations, civic groups,
religions, or political parties do you belong to?
DAVID WYDER: I belong to the Church of the SubGe-
nius,The Church of Euthanasia,The Holy Church of Moo
and a lapsed member of the Christian Science Church. I
also belong to the Literary Guild, Columbia & BMG
record clubs. I'm pretty much of a loner. My 1st grade
report card noted "doesn't play well with the other
children." This has carried through in my adult life. I've
always been my own best friend. Politics is boring...
DAILY COW: How do you support yourself?
DAVID WYDER: With a soiled jockstrap and a prayer!
In reality, the last 26 years I have worked as an Adminis-
trative Secretary with the Passaic Board of Education.
Eleven years in the Food Service Department and the
past fifteen years at the high school in the MediaCen-
ter...Work sucks the creative life out of me and makes
me a very dull and dispassionate person. I enjoy what I
do but don't enjoy the environment in which I do it.
Before that I held jobs as a custodian, printer, ware-
houseman, grass cutter, poet, druggist and beer drinker.
DAILY COW: How do you go about creating each
issue of the zine? Does it take very long?
DAVID WYDER: Very slowly! First I type all the
contributors pages, fuss endlessly about the layout and
search my vast archives for a picture that will fit each
page. I go to my files and complete all the general pages
(Kale, Alfalfa, etc.) with stuff I've gleaned since the prior
issue. At this point half of the issue is done and I have to
get down to brass tacks and let that crazy cow inside of
me take over and do some original writing. The cover
story, cow news, cowmercials, etc. usually take about six
to eight hours each to complete. When it's finally done I
do all the copying on my trusty Canon PC6-RE copier,
collate, staple and mail out over 100 copies to interested
bovine folks all over the world. Then I redo portions of
the issue in html and put it up on my web site. I work on
the zine 365 days a year! Each issue is like a giant
10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that takes forever. Today it
feels like I'm pregnant and way overdue!
DAILY COW: When will you put out your final
DAVID WYDER: After completing each issue I always
say to myself that this will be the last one but I can't stop!
I get a deep feeling of satisfaction after each issue is put
to bed. The lack of comments from folks who get the
zine and mostly poor reviews do tend to balance out that
good feeling but this zine is really just done for me. If
others like it, that's great. I'll never stop doing it as long
as I still enjoy doing it. If the labor of love were lost and
the scent of money took over that surely would spell the
end of this zine. But don't worry cow fans none of the
media conglomerates is knocking down my door to buy
this zine...
DAILY COW: Any closing thoughts?
DAVID WYDER: Every day can't be sunshine, blue
skies and green grass so learn to enjoy the rain, gray
skies and pavement. One of my favorite quotes of all
time is by Buddha: "Believe nothing, no matter where
you read it, or who said it-even if I have said it-unless it
agrees with your own reason and your own common
The second Daily Cow interview took place on a bucolic
November evening which cowincidentally was the 35th
anniversary of the assassination of JFK. If this interview
seems a bit schizophrenic its because David Wyder
(thats me) is being interviewed by the only staff mem-
ber of Daily Cow (David Mooey, thats me as well). I
thought readers might be interested in finding out more
about the cow-obsessed freak behind this zine. One
thing about interviewing yourself-you cant claim to be
misquoted after its printed!
His daily routine to age seventeen included bringing the
cows to and from the pasture in summer and cleaning the stables
in winter. He would write that he had sort of a filial regard
for the cow, a rural divinity that had commanded the vast
majority of his youthful worship and service. Every Sunday
morning the cows were salted. Burroughs took a pail with three
or four quarts of coarse salt and, followed by the eager herd,
went to the field where he laid salt in handfuls on smooth stones
and clear places of turf. If you want to know how good salt is,
wrote Burroughs, see a cow eat it. She gives the true saline
smack. How she dwells upon it, and gnaws the sward and licks the
stones where it has been deposited.
Looking back to his romantic vision of boyhood on the farm,
Burroughs said it seemed to him that the cow was the most
delightful feeder among animals. In the deep nostalgia of old
age, even the eating habits of the brutish herd were to become
something praised and cherished. He wrote that there was a virtue
in the cow, that a wholesome odor exhaled from her. The quality
and aroma of miles of meadow and pasture lands were defined by
her presence. He would rather, he said, be the guardian of cattle
than the keeper of the great seal of the nation.Where the cow
was, there were the lost days and places of his youth-there was
By Edward J. Renehan, Jr.
(John Burroughs an American Naturalist/Page 28-29)
(My great aunt, Clara Barrus, was John Burroughs secretary and official biographer. As a child I
spent many summers in Roxbury, New York where Burroughs had built Woodchuck Lodge. It was
here that I had my first introduction to real cows. Something about those vacation days on the farm
along with my Aunt Clara and Burroughs have combined for my bovine obsession and this zine. As
an adult I have returned there but the cows are all gone...David)
Yes, sexual deviancy pervades the countryside. First, there are all of those lesbian cows. Every
21 days or so, sexually mature, non-pregnant bovine females shamelessly lose control of their carnal
passions; they come into estrus, in heat, or on heat as the British would say.
When there is no bull to requite their desires, these cows can be observed mounting each other
in the dark recesses of the back pasture or right up by the roadside, in front of God and everybody. The
cow which stands for another to mount is deemed to be in heat. At this point, the farmer has 12-24 hours
to enter the game if he wants his cow to become pregnant.
In times past, he would drive or lead old Bossy to his own or the neighbors bull. Farm boys have
many jokes about this. In one case, the farm boy explains to his teacher that he is late to school because
he had to take the cow to the neighbors bull. The teacher asks, Couldnt your father have done it? Yes,
but Dads not registered.
When there is no bull, sex around the farm really gets weird. The farmer, (are you ready?) picks
up the telephone. He calls his neighborhood inseminator to join the fun. The inseminator arrives with
semen that has been collected at a bull stud in a manner that would have the religious right tearing their
hair out if it were ever on the local newsstand.
In times past, a cow kept hot with hormone injections was used as the object of the bulls
affection. Because the hand is not the only thing quicker than the eye, the bull sometimes slipped one
past his handlers and actually penetrated the cow. Many times VD was transmitted this way.
Hot cows have been discarded in favor of other sex-objects, animate and inanimate. It is
enough to make one blush, but often one male is used for the donor to mount after a little foreplay and
In another scenario as the bull mounts, the handler grasps the bulls sheath in one hand and
guides the bulls erect penis, or male member if you prefer, into an artificial vagina which consists of a
hard composition outer shell some 10 centimeters or so in diameter with a latex liner filled with warm
water and suitably lubricated.
When the bull has had his pleasure, in a manner of speaking, the ejaculate is drained into a
collection tube at the end of a latex cone attached to one end of the artificial vagina. The volume of the
ejaculate is measured, and the semen diluted and frozen in vials or straws the latter developed by the
French at a bull stud in LAigle, Normandy.
Now, for you who have trouble handling this Gay-Lesbian-Bisexual-Masturbatory article, I thought
it worth pointing out that even the dittoheads in the Bible Belt depend on all these alternative lifestyles and
more to keep their mortgage paid.
By Wes Combs
(Ph.D Academic Advisor & Consultant in International Livestock Development)
Reflections of a
Transgendered Cow
By Carl Essex
Big Tex was the prize bull on Mr. Tuckers
ranch, having won the blue ribbon at many a state
fairground. He was an incredibly large hunk of
rippling muscle that would have sent even the
most fearless rodeo cowboys running in fear. Mr.
Tucker made sure that Big Tex sired many calves
on his ranch, and kept hoping for more prize
cattle. But none matched Big Texs power, ap-
pearance, or assertive nature. Yes, he was the
king of the ranch.
Unknown to Mr. Tucker was that Big Tex also
possessed a very keen mind. Big Tex knew that
he was something special...the stud of the cat-
tle...and used his reputation to have his way with
any cow he came across, often brutally forcing his
way upon the female beasts.
One day, while maneuvering his massive, dark
brown bovine body across a field at the ranch, Big
Tex noticed an especially alluring cow named
Sue Bell chewing her cud seductively beside a
Ive never conquered Sue Bell, Big Tex
thought to himself, as his pace quickened in the
direction of the tree. Sue Bell, raising her large
eyes toward the oncoming and excited bull, im-
mediately turned and began to march away.
She cant escape me that easily, Big Tex
thought as he closed the distance in a steady
gallop, her reddish-coloring making him all the
more aggressive. Big Tex finally reached Sue
Bell and reared up his hind legs onto her back,
prepared to make the frightened cow his latest in
a long line of conquests.
Suddenly all went black for an instant and Big
Tex found himself lying down in a pile of hay in
a barn. Looking around, he did not recognize his
surroundings. What happened? This place
doesnt look familiar, he thought as he gazed
Climbing to his feet, Big Tex realized that his
body felt wrong. He was shorter than normal, and
he could tell that his body was now milky white
with at least one black spot on one of his legs. His
legs! His legs were now much less muscular and
he generally felt weaker all over. He was shocked
and involuntarily let out a loud Moo. Whats
wrong with my voice! Its never sounded as high
pitched and delicate.
All of a sudden Big Tex felt an unfamiliar
movement just below his belly. Udders!!! I have
udders!!! his mind screamed in revulsion.
Spying an old mirror laying against a wall of
the barn, Big Tex trotted over, noticing a strange
sway in his rear parts as he walked. He also
noticed that something seemed to be missing from
between his legs. It cant be missing! he
thought in horror. What I think has happened,
couldnt have happened!
Big Tex reached the mirror and almost regurgi-
tated some cud when he saw the image reflected
back at him. A cow! A VERY female cow was
staring back at him. She/he had long lashes high-
lighting big delicate eyes. He could see the large
mammary sack hanging underneath him with the
very obvious udders poking downward. And, of
course, the very heart and soul of the prized bull
was missing, replaced by a very female part of the
cow anatomy that he coveted so much. But he
didnt covet it this way!
I cant be a cow, he thought. Im a bull!
Ive got to change back somehow. Just then a
large man walked into the barn carrying a bucket.
He was obviously a farmhand. He grabbed a stool
from the corner and pulled it up next to Big Tex
in his sleek new cow body.
Oh no! Big Tex thought. I know what he
has in mind, and I cant go through with it. The
bull/cow started to lunge away, which angered the
man, who proceeded to steer Big Tex into a
cramped stall. In my other male body I could
have gotten away from him, but not in this weak
carcass, thought Big Tex.
The man placed the bucket under Big Tex.
Here it comes, the new cow tensed. The man
grabbed the udders and began pulling on them.
Big Tex was surprised by the sensations as his
udders stiffened under the caress of the mans
Hey, this feels kind of good, Big Tex
thought. The sound of warm milk hitting the
metal bucket made the experience even more
pleasant for Big Tex. Maybe I could live like
this, for awhile at least.
Two weeks later Big Tex found that he did
enjoy being one of the cows as they huddled
together in the fields munching grass. He also
found that he liked the attention he received from
the bulls, and realized that cows enjoy mating
much more than bulls, something he wouldve
never dreamed.
Finally, Big Tex found himself to be the proud
mother of a strong young calf, possibly the future
stud of the ranch. He could not imagine ever
going back to being a bull. Life was udderly
It has been going on for quite awhile, has the JET. Shortened from Joint European Torus,
this is (allegedly) the worlds largest machine, and is used for accelerating tiny particles to
superfast speeds and then colliding them together to observe the results. However, animal rights
activists were outraged when a group of scientists abandoned their normal research and began
accelerating cows instead.
The theory was this-while, in truth, we understand that cows exist, we havent even
explored the possibilities with them. So, while we spend time exploring new areas, we havent
even finished work on the old! By observing the effect of crashing two cows together at half of
lightspeed, scientists hope to develop their understanding of both high-energy impact and cow
One animal rights activist, going by the name of Shana McLane, said that the experi-
ments were cruel, and that the cows should at least have the choice of whether or not they
become involved. A spokesman for the JET, John Travis, said that he had asked all the cows
involved and they had replied moo, which their translator had confirmed as meaning yes. The
experiments have so far caused three small earthquakes, and have provided supplies for several
However, the activists dont plan to stop there. A campaign led by Tara Johnson has
started to raise funds to try and take the JET to court and ban the further use of live animals in
super-high speed experiments. The JET teams have so far refused to comment on this, but are
believed to be consulting their lawyer about the legal implications of such a ban.
However, as no proceedings are yet place, and are unlikely to be for the next few months,
the cows will continue to be used. Indeed, with the results now bordering on completion, it is
likely that the teams will move on to using pigs and sheep before the end of the year-the expected
death rate is up to 30 animals a day. The scientists say that this is justified, as the research is very
valuable to modern science, but the activists continue to lobby. The battle looks to be a long one.
When my sister Janice and I were kids, we
fantasized that we owned a huge horse ranch
complete with stables, corrals and miles of white
painted fences. Our pretend ranch was easy to
imagine because we already lived on a small
farm. However, the five-acre parcel only con-
sisted of our house, a hay barn and a cow pasture.
For animals we had a mongrel dog named Bebop,
two Hereford cows called Lucy and Ethel, and a
Guernsey steer known as Frisky.
Janice and I were not satisfied with just hav-
ing cattle on our ranch so we kept pestering our
father for a horse. He said he would think about
it, then joked if we wanted a horse bad enough we
should practice riding the cows. We thought Dad
was serious, so we tried our luck with Lucy and
Ethel, but neither cow would stand still long
enough for us to climb aboard.
Frisky was much more accommodating be-
cause he didnt run away from anybody. When he
was two weeks old, Dad had him castrated to
remove any natural aggressiveness. So instead of
growing into a handsome virile bull, Friskys
emasculated body made him so listless that we
thought about changing his name to Zombie.
When I lifted Janice onto Friskys back, he
took a few steps and began grazing. This was no
way for a cowboy to ride the range and Frisky
obviously didnt understand his role in our fan-
tasy. To get Frisky moving, Janice jammed her
heels into his ribs. Frisky weakly responded by
swinging his tail across Janices back, as if lazily
swatting a bothersome fly. Then I plucked a hand-
ful of green grass and waved it under Friskys
nose but he ignored me as well. Our only alterna-
tive was to bring in the dog.
We normally kept Bebop chained to the
bumper of an abandoned car, letting him loose on
the weekends for exercise and romance. Since we
were the last house on a dead end road, Bebop
didnt have many opportunities to chase cars, so
whenever he was free, he got into the pasture and
chased the cattle. Now that I had Janice sitting
high on top of Frisky, I turned Bebop loose.
When Bebop ran into the pasture, he was
puzzled at the sight of Janice perched on Friskys
back. What happened next is anybodys guess but
Bebop went berserk, howling and nipping at
Friskys legs. Frisky took off like a rocket and
after two leaping bounds, a screaming Janice
bounced to the ground, narrowly missing a fresh
cowpie. Bebop continued the chase, getting Lucy
and Ethel to stampede as well. We figured that
Bebop thought Frisky had captured Janice and
that it was his job to set her free. We never used
the dog again because he offered no speed con-
Then we remembered that when our mother
worked in the garden she sometimes threw un-
wanted vegetables into the pasture and the cattle
would go crazy over them. Cabbage seemed to be
their favorite, so we plucked a ripe head to entice
Frisky. It worked perfectly. One of us led Frisky
with the cabbage head while the other rode. When
we finished riding for the day, we hid the cabbage
in the barn.
Early the next morning we were awakened by
Friskys loud bellowing. He was on the second
floor of the barn standing at the edge of the loft
door. Janice and I had left the pasture gate open
which allowed Frisky to go inside the barn to look
for the cabbage. During his search, Frisky
climbed up the stairs but could not get back down.
So now we had to figure out a way to get the 800
pound steer off the second floor.
We could not send Frisky down the stairs
because he would likely break his legs, which
would mean the end for him. We had but one
option, Frisky would have to jump. Dad parked
his truck under the door and loaded it with hay
bales. Frisky looked down at the hay padding and
bellowed, as if he was aware of the acrobatics we
had in mind for him. Dad and I pushed Friskys
rump while Janice sat on the truck waving the
cabbage head. Well never know if it was the
cabbage or Dad twisting Friskys tail that made
him jump, but he leaped out the door and miracu-
lously landed in the truck unhurt.
Dad left Frisky on the truck and drove him
away, telling us that Frisky was going to another
farm where hed be happier. What we didnt
know was that Dad took him to the slaughter-
About two weeks later, we were having steak
for supper. Janice and I began complaining that
we missed Frisky and asked if wed ever see him
again. Dad almost choked on our question, but
Mom was quick to calm us when she said, Dont
worry kids, someday Frisky will turn up when
you least expect him.
You have to go, whether you want to go or not! The fierce butcher hauled on the rope with all his
might. The old cow on the other end of the rope knew what was going on. It lowered its head and
refused to budge.
Hurry up, will you! The butcher pulled out a whip, and cursed as he whipped the old cow. They
struggled all the way up the street this way, one cursing and pulling, the other silently resisting.
When they got to a bank, the cow suddenly dropped to its knees in front of the door and started to cry.
Big tears rolled down its bovine face. The president of the bank came out to see what the commotion
was about. The cow looked so sad!
Butcher, what is the price for this cow? he asked.
It cost 8,000, but Im not selling it!
Ill give you 10,000, what do you say? The bank president was touched by cows tears, and had
decided to save its life.
But the butcher sneered and said, This cow has given me a load of trouble! Ive had it with this cow.
Im going to chop off its head and hack it to death, thats what Im going to do! And Im NOT going to
sell it to you, so dont even bother to raise your price.
The old cow seemed to understand human speech. When it heard that, it got to its feet with a sigh and
went with the butcher.
The butcher was furious that the cow had tried to beg for its life. Instead of taking it to the market, he
took it to his own house and chopped it into pieces. He threw the pieces into his biggest wok to cook.
By then it was late, so he left the wok on the fire overnight, so it would be thoroughly cooked and
delicious in the morning. Then he went to bed.
But early the next morning his wife heard him get out of bed. Im going to check the fire and see how
the beef is doing, he said.
Much later his wife realized that he still had not come back. She got out of bed to look for him. In the
kitchen, she saw the fire was still going under the wok - somehow her husband had slipped and fallen
into the wok and was cooking with the beef!
Thanks to hckek@iastate.edu at the Iowa State University Lotus Buddhist Association
Cowmics by Mr. Davy, Mr. Darrero, Mr. Blevins & Mr. Lewison
By Kevin Lawrence
Like the riptide off the coast of parts of
Southern Florida, New England pulled at me that
summer. Following urges who origins remain a
mystery to me now, I migrated north. I traveled by
night, of course, taking the two lane blacktop
much like Dennis Wilson, James Taylor and
Warren Oates had in the movie of the same name.
Seeing the shine of lights over the next hill, Id
dip down into the ditch, and bound soundlessly
over a fence, pretending to graze, or pretending to
sleep standing up. Aside from a few fraternity
thugs that I had to dispatch (they had tried to tip
me while I was sleeping) the journey was
uneventful. Before long I found myself passing a
sign that said Entering Madison County. After
passing it, I turned and saw the sign on the other
side of the road Entering Dade County.
In the dead of night, with the sound of night
bugs humming in my oversized ears, I felt the
lands beauty speak to me. I felt it in the sound of
the wind through the tall grass bordering the
highway. I heard it in the rustling of the leaves
high in the trees, responding to air currents we
could not feel way down here. I felt it in the road
itself, how it hugged the lands contours, how it
seemed part of nature itself. The faint scent of oil
following dips in the pavement seemed as natural
as the sweetness of a field of clover as I passed
I stood still for a few minutes, and no cars
passed to disturb my reverie. Ahead lay a bridge.
A covered bridge. To get to the other side of the
river, I would have to cross it. The river was too
swift flowing, and I had not fed in days. I felt
weak, and the land alone could not sustain me.
The need for blood pounded in my head.
Strolling towards the bridge, I saw a light
from a trailer off the side of the road, far back in
a roadside rest area.
Silly human, I thought. Didnt he hear of
the Rest Area murder up in Alberta last year?
I decided to investigate. Moving silently as I
always do, I stole up to the window of the trailer
and peered inside. A man, in his early 50s,
peering through a lens, examining a negative. He
seemed dissatisfied with the negative, for he
threw it on the floor, to join quite a few of his
friends. He picked up another from a pile and
peered at it as he did with the first. A puzzled
expression came over his face. He put the
negative in a projection machine and turned on
the overhead light, projecting the image on the
wall. From my limited experience with
photography, it appeared to be a time exposure,
from darkness to sunset. He marked a spot on the
negative, and went about the laborious process of
making a print. Fifteen minutes later, he had a
very large print of photographic paper. He went
over to the print, and marked another spot on this
detail of a negative, and again went though the
print process.
I looked at this print and saw what he was
looking at, finally. It was a picture of me, digging
my nighttime grave.
The photographer had, by accident, caught
me in the act of burrowing my nighttime resting
place. I was horrified. I had been so stupid. If this
man had noticed at the time, he could have
revealed me and burned me with the light of the
sun. I moaned softly, and it was the
photographers turn to be horrified. His back to
me, I saw him stiffen with terror.
I admire your acumen and your persistence,
sir, but Im afraid Ill have to kill you now. He
said nothing and terror still shone from his eyes in
the red darkroom light.
I need to feed, you see. Awfully sorry about
this. Would you be good enough to step outside?
I wouldnt want to mess up your laboratory and
your good work shouldnt go to waste.
Why cant you feed off of those cows over
there, in the field? he said finally.
Where? I said, taking my hooves off the
step and gazing in the direction he pointed.
I felt the splash of liquid on my flanks and
dripping into my eyes. It was a moment before I
remembered that developing photographs
requires acid. I felt my vision go dark, and heard
the door close behind me and lock. For the first
time in my vampiric life, I experienced fear.
I lowed fiercely and loud. So loud I heard the
photographer gasp in pain and fall to the linoleum
floor of his camper. I blundered off in the
direction of the fields Id been looking at just a
few seconds before. I need time. Time to heal,
time to feed. (continued next page)
STORY #5/Conclusion
By Kevin Lawrence

I wandered lonely as a cow for lo, many

moons after seeing the pelt of my beloved sister
trimmed to fit a photographer. Many nights I
forgot to feed, and I grew gaunt, my pelvic bones
protruding like Kate Mosss, my fetlocks scant-
fleshed and inward-bowed. For I had no purpose
in life, and I allowed the field lice to feed upon
my magic blood, causing them to take upon their
species an aspect of the dark gift. To this day, I
understand, people talk of the vampiristic midges
of Madison County.
It was late summer, nearly a full year since
my days in the great city, when I found myself
standing on a bluff overlooking the deep creek
that wends its way through the district. I had gone
undetected, owing to my self-imposed starvation,
and although I often passed by car dealerships to
bone up on the latest models and the wide range
of options available, I consumed no salesman
gore. I had no heart for vampirism, not knowing
that Patsy was gone, expertly tailored into the
coat of a self-pitying dandy, its cuffs decorated by
the exclusive and easily recognized threadwork
known as the stitches of Madison County.
It was as I stood upon the cliffs edge that I
wondered if it was not time to end my picaresque
existence; to hurl myself over the edge of the
precipice and pray to be punctured on the pines
which peppered the parapets. Once my soulless
heart had been split by a branch, my body would
tumble into the freshnets of the river, thereby
completing the necessaries of doing away with a
creature such as I. This I contemplated as I stood
on the ridges of Madison County.
In a totally unnecessary display of pathetic
fallacy, nature conspired to accumulate her
powers over my very head that evening. The sun
had set, but lights remained in the upper reaches
of the sky, and a few still stars scintillated
sullenly in a way best described by excessive use
of alliteration and onomatopoeia. The sky turned
greenish-gray, and the separation between the
cold and warm fronts was marked by an edge of
black brooding cloud, while lightning forked at
the distant horizon, where the suns homeward
journey was only just complete. I watched this in
awe, for yes! even a creature like myself can be in
awe of storms. My knees trembled and I flung
myself to the earth, into one of the ditches of
Madison County.
Suddenly, I heard a voice. Bessie it lowed,
soft and warm and familiar. Even over the
thunder and tumult I could hear it, rolling across
the valleys and waterways like a mist across the
moors. When I heard it next it was in my ear,
accompanied by an icy breath, cold as the fridges
of Madison County.
Patsy? I said, hardly daring to speak, the
hope was so full in my bovine breast. I raised one
cloven hoof to my throat, seizing my bell by its
clapper. Is that you? Or are you a conjured
spirit, one raised from the dead to torment me, by
one of the witches of Madison County?
Youre really stretching it there, said Patsy,
in a moment of literary textual self-reflexivity and
authorial intrusion. But I forgive you. I forgive
you for everything except for leaving me in my
darkest hour. Surely you knew, dear one, that
mere flaying is not enough to slay a vampcow. I
did not die in the farmers arms; I merely fell
asleep. Now I like naked-really naked-alone, in a
barn on a farm on the fringes of Madison
My jaw dropped. The thought of her skinned
alive! The pain it must have caused! The agony of
my scalding by the drops of the photographers
acid was a pittance in comparison. Our mutual
sufferings made me realize that Madison County
was an evil place. A place full of pain and
grimacing: the flinches of Madison County.
As much as I had seen that last one coming. I
could not resist its insertion, any more than other
narrators can resist the placement of superfluous
and totally irrelevant automotive references in the
text, not unlike Melvilles lecture on cytology
which alleges to improve Moby Dick. So, as the
storm poured warm rain upon my hide, I crept
along the brush and shrubs, my hunger freshly
awakened, for I had a purpose in life: to find and
rescue my poor stripped Patsy; to clothe her, if all
else failed, in my very own skin. That night, I
imagine, many people saw the spectral cow which
made its way along the fields, byres and hedges of
Madison County.
Thus concludes the bloody saga of Bessie The
Vampire Cow. Who knows what county she is
lurking in ow. If you see her-run!
I know this field were on like I know my Guernseys smile
Weve seen a dozen dreams in every manure pile
Cant begin to count the quarts of milk shes given me
But I wish I had a dollar for each glass I drank for free.
Nine hundred thousand tons of cow
Their teeth at work with all that grass
Their udders are sure to blow
Nine hundred thousand tons of cow
Theyre more a rolling milk truck than the herd I once knew.
Its one hell of an understatement to say they cant be mean
Theyre temperamental, just a big grass eating machine
They werent built to travel at the speed a mower rides
But these cows will chew that grass and scare away the flies!
The grass outdid itself growing around the back
I can only hope the cows are ready for another snack
Well, I have prayed to God this aint the death of me
The cows are now around the pool, eating up the weeds!
Ooh, ooh I want to milk them slooow
Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh ooh
Nine hundred thousand tons of cow...out of control
Theyre more a rolling milk truck than the herd I once knew.
Richard E. Baum
A cow walked into a bar.
She felt a little below par.
She wanted a small meal
And she thought she would feel
Better after a stiff drink.
The bartender didnt blink
He said he didnt serve cows.
The cow knitted her brows,
And gave her head a shake
But I see you do serve steak.
Mrs. Moo Moo
Ann: What are you doing this morning?
Jim: Neutering calves.
Ann: Ill go with you.
Jim: What about breakfast?
Ann: Well be having leftovers.
Dan Buck
A New Zealand cow was sentenced to two days in
jail for eating the grass in front of a city courthouse.
Cows are not sacred in France. In 1740, one was
found guilty of witchcraft and hanged. A bull who
killed a man in Moisey in 1314 got off lightly-he
was merely jailed.
Cow is a Japanese brand of shaving cream.
Cows sweat through their nostrils and rarely sleep.
Cow tongues are as coarse as the most coarse
grade of sandpaper. If you want to feel one just stick
out your hand with molasses all over it. The cow will
do the rest.
Cows are like cats; they smell each others breath
to see what the other has been eating.
Dont ever complain about the smell of cow pies,
remember mother always said thats just the smell of
money in the making.
Cows always know which way the wind is blowing
from and point to it with their rear ends.
Cows are not normally deep thinkers except when
they are chewing their cuds.
The Wisconsin State Cow Chip Throw Committee
has released the following list of rules, which will
govern the throw on Labor Day weekend at Marion
Park in Prairie du Sac. The rules vary, some fun,
some serious. Either way the Chip Judge has the
final say.
1. Two chips to each contestant. Chip thrown the
farthest shall be the only one counted. If the chip
breaks up in the throw, then only the piece going the
farthest will count.
2. Contestants in the Mens and Womens divisions
must be at least 16 years old.
3. Chips shall be at least 6 inches in diameter.
4. Contestants must select their chips from the
wagon provided by the Official Meadow Muffin
Committee. To alter or shape in any way chips
selected from the wagon (except in rare instances a
loose fragment may be removed, provided the
removal does not render the chip less than 6 in
diameter) subjects the contestant a 25 foot penalty.
Decisions of Chip Judge is final.
5. Contestants will be registered and numbered at the
official registration table and must be ready when
their number is called.
6. When throwing, gloves will not be allowed.
7. To get a better hold on your chip, you may lick
your fingers before you throw. This is optional.
With corn prices so high and dairy farmers seeking
alternatives to livestock feed, a University of
Wisconsin scientist recommends stale jelly
doughnuts, french fries, pasta and candy. Terry
Howard, a professor at UWs Center for Dairy
Profitability, says cows can use these carbohydrates
to help make the rumen (the first chamber of a cows
stomach) work. Cows have a sweet tooth because
they require carbohydrates to trigger the
fermentation process that changes grass to energy.
They love sugar-laden food byproducts that are now
on the market at low prices. He says you can feed
them doughnuts or candy that may be outdated or
french fries mixed with potatoes rejected by a food
processor. Candy and doughnuts are sometimes fed
with the wrappers still on them. Other byproduct
feeds like beet pulp or brewery grains are the wastes
left over from the manufacture of products like sugar
or beer and can be fed to them as well. In the long
run it is not good to give cows too many sweets as
veterinarians do not enjoy giving cows a root canal
when their teeth go bad due to all the sweets they are
forced to ingest by dairy farmers interested only in
their bottom line and not the health of cows.
As many now realize, aliens are using Earth as a lab
to develop DNA sequences vital to their own
survival. The dying Pleidian civilization requires
human genes to survive. But modern technology on
Earth now threatens human, and therefore, alien
survival. Aliens want to eliminate this threat by
introducing into the human population genes derived
from cattle to make humans more docile and
controllable, less ambitious and less aggressive.
Aliens began gathering bovine genetic material in
the late 60s, prompting initial reports of mysterious
cattle mutilations. Using abducted humans, they
have developed gene-modified human hybrids
characterized by such bovine traits as passivity,
vegetarianism and long eyelashes. When the hybrids
came of age, they were brainwashed and deployed to
urban areas populated by rootless young misfits
whose carlessness, promiscuity and acceptance of
strange people permitted the introduction of new
genetic strains. Our cities are now filling up with
these soft and gentle, lazy, young Cow-People who
reveal so little about their past and yet act so
friendly-but beware because mating with Cow-
People means DEATH to the Sacred Spark of
Humanity and enslavement at the 6-fingered Hands
of Aliens! Dont give in! (By Paul Spinrad)
One of the attractive things about dairy farming
is that these guys live with these cows day in and day
out, Sibley said. We were standing in a cowpen,
visiting a farm in Venny Tedburn. Sibley was
checking cows that had recently given birth for signs
of postpartum infection. Theyre milking them
twice a day, sometimes three times a day, and they
come to know their animals very well. Some of the
time, I come to know them well, too. As we spoke,
he had one arm as far as the elbow inside a cows
Theyre very nice creatures to work with, Sibley
went on. You very rarely get a nasty cow. They do
what theyre told, they turn up twice a day and
volunteer to come in. As long as you feed them, give
them a dry bed, and look after them, theyre very
obliging animals. What farmers first noticed about
B.S.E. and what they often found quite upsetting
about it was that the character of the animal changes.
In fact, the symptoms of B.S.E. vary according to
what the original nature of the animal was. The mad
cows have generally been pretty mad before they got
B.S.E. If theyre wild before they get it, they suffer
much more exaggerated symptoms. The very quiet,
subdued animals tend to show much milder early
signs. The farmers all notice it. Cows are creatures
of habit. They tend to come into the milking parlor
in the same order each time-but these cows hang
back. They dont feed quite as well. They stop
ruminating, they stop cudding, and that leads to
digestive upsets. They lose condition and milk
production falls. All those things show up before
they ever show any nervousness or madness.
(John Lanchester: A New Kind Of Contagion)
INGREDIENTS (4 servings)
500 g Cows Udder (a generous pound)
1 Egg beaten, Plain Bread Crumbs
100 g Butter, Salt, Pepper (7 tbsp. each)
In order to remove all traces of milk, put the udder
into lukewarm water and let soak for 2 to 4 hours,
permitting the water to cool off. Then cook the
udder in 2% to 3% salt water solution until tender.
Remove from cooking liquid and cut into 1/2 inch
thick slices. Let the slices dry a bit. Season on both
sides, dip into whisked egg and then into bread
crumbs. Fry in butter, turning once, until golden
brown on both sides. Serve with lettuce.
(From: DSchwaebish Kuche by Aegidius Kolb
and Leonhard Lidel, 1976. Translation by Karin
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on
second thought, Ill dance with the cows till you
come home. (Groucho Marx)
Two farmers each claimed to own a certain cow.
While one pulled on its head and the other pulled on
its tail, the cow was milked by a lawyer. (Jewish
Blue jeans? They should be worn by farm girls
milking cows! (Yves Saint Laurent)
The annual subsidy for each American dairy cow is
between $600 and $700-greater than the per capita
income of half the worlds population. (P.J.
For almost 70 years the life insurance industry has
been a smug sacred cow feeding the public a steady
line of sacred bull. (Ralph Nader)
It is not well for a man to pray cream and live skim
milk. (Henry Ward Beecher)
Nietzsche: To Moo Is To Be
Sarte: To Be Is To Moo
Sinatra: Moo Be Moo Be Moo
Lennon: All We Are Saying is Give Moo A Chance
Clinton: If I Pull On Your Teats Will You Moo?
A gnat alighted on one of the horns of a bull and
remained sitting there for a considerable time. When
it had rested sufficiently and was about to fly away,
it said to the bull, Do you mind if I go now? The
bull merely raised his eyes and remarked without
interest, Its all one to me; I didnt notice when you
came, and I shall not notice when you go away.
(We may often be of more consequence in our own
eyes then in the eyes of our neighbors.)
Thanks for the latest COW. Wondering if you are in
any Psychiatric Journals? Or maybe you should
make yourself known to the many weird and obscure
cable TV shows featuring people not half as weird or
obscure as yourself. You are a hero, maybe even a
superhero. Thanks again for including me in your
Dan Nielsen
Rancine, Wisconsin
(After ten years of doing this zine the only
recognition I have gotten is from the psychiatric
cowmunity. Medication doesnt help so they gave
up and told me to stop drinking milk.)
We are a small business company, LABTECHNO,
from Belarus interested in buying some milk testing
equipment. Since milk farming has developed very
widely in our republic there are no wonder milk
testing analyzers (not computer operated) are in such
great demand here. We would appreciate very much
if you could send us any catalogues or price lists in
case you sell this type of equipment or give us a
piece of advice for whom we should contact to find
it. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sergey Semov, Deputy Director
Republic of Belarus, Minsk 22073
(Another case of DAILY COW falling into the
wrong hands. Somehow someone in the old Soviet
Union got a copy of the zine and it translates into a
milk analyzing catalog. Wonder what it translates
into from Chinese!)
Im a student at the University of Texas at Austin
and Ive been following your posts on alt.cows for
the last few weeks as part of my linguistics class. Id
like to use your writing as an example for a class
project on word play and verbal art. This stuff is
great! Im really impressed and would really
appreciate it if you could provide me with more of
your work.
Jaclyn Ocumpaugh
(So I sent off a .txt file containing all of the articles
I had written from DAILY COW #1-#13 and find
out that poor Jaclyn failed her linguistics class and
soon thereafter dropped out of college. Another
case of DAILY COW falling into the wrong
Whew! Well, backwater mun-i-sing kudos and
congrats on an excellent DAILY COW #13, yes,
YES! Of course, I have not got the past-previous
issues-editions locked in memory, but, I feel this was
one of your primo-superb publications. This Friday
noon while giving DC a quick perusal, I laughed
out loud several times. What better vote of
confidence, hmm? I remain curious, do you need a
visa to enter and travel through New Jersey?
T. Kilgore Splake
Munising, Michigan
(I would like to thank the many readers like Splake
who have written to me these past ten years after
every issue of the zine comes out. In answer to your
question: you actually need an Army tank or
armored car to enter and travel through New
I have sailed through the newsgroups for many years
and I have only found one other person with a
fabulous sense of humor like yours. You have a
wonderful razor sharp sense of humor and a
brilliant intelligence that is very, very rare these
days-in this crazy world we live in.
Your Toilet Bulls cowmercial is beautiful, funny,
brilliant, fun and well, just plain ole FANTASTIC.
I enjoyed your post so much that I ALMOST (but
not quite) lost my ability to type...as I was drinking a
glass of cow milk while reading your post, and I yuk
yukd and had so much that I snorted up a mouthful
of milk through my nose.
Please dont take this the wrong way but you are in
the WRONG newsgroup. If your ISP has the
newsgroup alt.alt.life.the-universe.and-everything
please consider this to be a DIRECT, PERSONAL
invitation for you to JOIN me and all the regulars at
this group.
You do not belong with alt.cows. You are wasting
your time and your life with the cows. I would be
honored to have you as a friend in my/your alt.life
new HOME!!
Alfred E. Newman
alt. life newsgroup
(Are you MAD! Leave the cows! Ill come visit
your newsgroup and post some cow manure but I
cant abandon alt.cows. Thanks for your kind
words but they do have me worried.)
Your zine is the talk of my high school English
class. Mighty odd and obsessive stuff! Heres the
latest from our Zine Project.
John Doyle
Morristown Area High School
The Old Herd At Top Hill Farms
Debbie (I Love Daily Cow)
Passaic, New Jersey
Ma n Pa Cattle
Bessie in Ohio
Joe Slots, Las Vegas
Fannie Tender, Cudsville
Our ice cream is made from cows that abuse drugs.
These cows come from dysfunctional herds that have never
known a day of happiness in their lives. You can find them
stumbling around our farm with needles sticking out of their
hindquarters, fake ID clips in their ears and chain smoking
while pregnant. These are argumentative, slutty and violent
cows who will kick your ass if you look at them the wrong
It takes steeroid-driven amateur wrestlers to milk them
and they only let their milk down when we promise them
more BGH, crack, and opium in their feed. This milk is
specially processed into cream at our slave factory in
Vermont utilizing underage and minority workers who
receive less than the minimum wage and the only benefits
they receive are of doubt and the eternal love of Mrs.
We are unflappably dishonest about our product and our
bad ass approach to cowpattylism is respected by stupid and
rich yuppies everywhere. We give away 17.5% of our
pre-tax earnings to support members of Congress who allow
us a wide loophole in polluting the environment. This ice
cream is so bad it ought to be illegal and it is sure to leave a
bilious taste in your mouth for years to come. It comes
packaged in a container with a picture and the name of the
cow that produced the milk on its side in case you want to
hunt it down and kill it.
Our many unique flavors include: Stained Dress
Monica Vanilla, Pulled Hair Chunky Chocolate, Colon
Cancer Strawberry, Metamucil Pecan Glenn, Sour Grapes
Newt, Mice Droppings Peach, Lemon Swirl Drug, Heavenly
Hash Hemp, Buttermilk Yeltsin Vodka, and our bestseller
Chunky Bobbit Banana. Serve our ice cream to family,
friends or strangers and you will have them kicking up a
storm and asking for more. Be forewarned, if you don't give
them more they will throw a fit and a chair at you. A final
thought: Remember that dessert is fun and even bad cows
milk needs to be processed.
Call 1-800-ICE-PICK
WebSite: www.benjerry/cream.ofthe.dna.crop
Our Motto: "Scream For Our Ice Cream"
The first pig-based clothing to hit the market is a new
fabric made of dead hogs and murdered Internet mailers
(those idiots who fill you emailbox with unwanted
solicitations). Spamdex pants come in one size only (fat
butt) and will contour to any big ass in the world. They have
a zipper in the front and back for easy access. They also
come in a variety of flavors and odors (Holstein Milk is our
favorite). Best of all these pants can be eaten when you run
out of food! Created by Moscow's biggest and hottest
fashion designer, Uri Nalysis, who is not gay (not that it
matters, some of the best fashion designers are gay) but he
weighs over 300 pounds. Yummy pants for beefy people!
Call 1-800-YES-SPAM
WebSite: www.eat.my.crotch
Our Motto: "Our Pants Will Make You Salivate"
You've worn out your welcome in the barn after ten
years of bliss and it's no longer home sweet home. You can't
get any rest and your stall is beginning to look and smell
like a pig's sty. It's time to mooove! As a cow you are very
settled in your ways and don't like change. Norton's
Mooving Company udderstands this. Contact us and your
relacatation to another barn will go as smooth as butter.
Ed and his fussbudget crew of Captain Video helpers
will dexteriously help you moove all your stuff and take
special care of those happy moomentos you've assidiously
saved over the years (your cowlection of nude William
Shatner and Jackie Gleason photos, your Donny & Marie
Antoinette CD's and of course your Green Acres and
Honeymooers videos). We charge by the pound ($5) not by
the hour!
Call 1-800-MOO-VING
WebSite: www.tothemoon.alice
Our Motto: "Real Friends Help You Moove Bodies"
A cherished Victorian Age tradition returns (kissing
below a dead bulls balls). These twin 12" in diameter
kissing balls are made of lustrous preserved bull testicles,
potently arranged, and suspended from a 16" red net ribbon.
Hang it in the archway, doorway, kitchen, bathroom, parlor,
over your bed or betwen your legs and use it every
Christmas to collect years of special holiday kisses from
family, friends and lovers. The perfect decowration for the
cow lover during the holidays. Story card about the bull is
included. Manufactured by the Cowtholic Priest Pedophile
Society. All profits go to abused calves.
Call 1-800-EUN-UCHS
WebSite: www.kiss.under.our.testicles
Our Motto: "How They Hanging"
Those veternarian bills can pile up worse than manure
from a heifer who has a bad case of diarrhea. You don't want
sick animals or a sick bank account. Smart farmers
nationwide are now enrolling in Dr. Dolittle's HMOO for
With our program your herd is maintained and treated at
a reasonabull cost for such afflictions as mastitis (Dolly
Parton disease), foot and mouth (Astaire & Lewis disease),
anthrax (Heavy Metal disease), warble fly infestation
(Kermit disease), bovine spongiform encephalopathy (Mad
Cow disease), grass staggers (Willie Nelson disease), milk
fever (Dean Martin disease), wooden tongue (George
Washington's mistress disease), lumpy jaw (Jay Leno
disease), overeating (Oprah Winfrey disease), incontinence
(Ivana Tinkle disease), stomach & intestinal worms (Dean/
Tripp disease), virus pneumonia (Microsoft Works
Oxymoron disease), and mange (Christie Whitman disease).
Our staff of 24 veternarians are on call from 2 to 4 p.m.
each day, 24 days a month and each barn visit is only $24!
When it comes to cow sickness we red the book typos and
all. Our doctors are licensed and registered by the New
Jersey State Department of Education which believes that
there are 3 kinds of cows: those who can count & those who
Call 1-800-COW-SICK
WebSite: www.wait.wait.wait
Our Motto: "So Many Cows, Not Enough Recipes"
The mechanical Dummy Cow with built-in operator space are used regularly on nearly all bulls
the world over. The new model (shown above) is silent when moving and weighs 700 kg to
provide necessary stability. All movement and height adjustments are made by noiseless
motors and hydraulic jacks, controlled by the operator from outside controls.
Once safe inside the Dummy Cow, the operator properly positions the artificial vagina through
an open slot designed in the dorso-posterior section of the dummy cow. This prevents the bulls
penis from being trapped between its abdomen and the top of the dummy during violent jumps.
Immediately after the jump, the operator moves the machine out from under the bull, helping
him to dismount with minimum strain on his hindlegs and hocks as he uses the solid steps on
either side of the dummy for his forelegs. The amount of restraint which the stockman has to
exert is reduced, and nose damage never occurs.
The confidence and eagerness shown by bulls who use the Dummy Cow has meant
substantial increases in volume and semen quality (Editors Note: and more bulls going blind).
The Dummy Cow with its laminated polyester shell can be disinfected after each jump to
reduce bacteria risks. The porous natural hide is no longer needed. All mechanical parts are
galvanized (shafts and bearings specially protected). This model can be hosed down with high
pressure water systems. Its mechanical qualities, stability, interior room space and access are
(continued from page 1)
Gatesway Corporation lawyer Bert Weidermyer held a press conference after his clients arrest and said:
"This is all very stupid. Cows can't kiss and tell. They can only moo. These charges are the end product
of a demented and dysfunctional mind that does not believe in the American Dream. Gatesway
Corporation and its CEO loves cows, but only in a commercial way. The American consumer can rest
assured that the boxes being shipped to their schools, churches, homes and businesses are not tainted
with the scent of untoward sexuality. No jury in its right mind will convict my client and no judge will let a
cow in the courtroom to testify. Mr. Apple never had sexual relations with this heifer!"
Well, there you go cow fans. Are these titans of industry guilty of sexually abusing cows or are they only
guilty of abusing the earth and all of its inhabitants? It's up to you to decide. Enjoy your daily graze but
beware of the moneymakers-they will rape you any way they can.
I, David Mooey, do solemnly
pledge to obey my mommy and
daddy, be kind to dumb ani-
mals and old ladies, not to
tease my older brothers and
sisters and to brush my teeth
twice a day and drink milk
after every meal.
Millions of people waste trillions of hours
doing things that are neither productive or
pleasurable. From birth to death, the average
American spends five years standing in line,
four years washing dishes, mopping floors and
vacuuming, two years trying to return phone
calls of people who never seem to be in, one
year looking for misplaced objects, eight
months opening junk mail, and five months of
waiting for red lights to turn green. Add to this
six years we spend eating, plus the great
blocks of time devoted to work or sleep, and
there isnt a whole lot of time left TO DO A
Bossy tweed
wins election
MOUNT HUNGER-Bossy Tweed, a relative newcomer to the politicow
landscape, was a surprise winner in this years election and will rule these United
Steaks of Bovine (USOB) into the next millennium. Bossy, a fast-mooing and
well-dressed Holstein huckster from Moo York City upset incumbent Donna
Cowleone and third party candidate Joe McCowthy. The final results were Tweed
*66%, Cowleone 42% and McCowthy 13% (*includes 5,000 absentee ballots
cast for Tweed from a slaughterhouse in the Bronx).
Ms. Bossy ran a smart campaign in platform heels focusing on clothes for cows,
protection from harsh weather, and a return to cowpattylism. She outspent her
rivals 2 to 1 with massive support from the previously unherd of Garment
Workers Union and her own Tweed Ring which roped and corralled voters from
every region of the cowntry with promises of new clothes, pretty hats and a long
life. Her first act as leader will be to moove the teats of government from
Chicowgo to a climate-controlled barn called Tamammary Hall located in the
Fashion District of Moo York City.
The new leader, looking good in a Cowlvin Klein jumpsuit, pillbox hat and a huge
Dahmer skinned purse outlined her plans for the future in a live moo on the
Fashion Channel: "The era of post-modern sleaze embraced by that trashy
Donna Cowleone is over. No longer will we have to bare our bovine bodies
against the harsh elements or the ogling, carnivorous stares of humans as we go
about our daily lives. Clothes For Cows (CFC's) will be atop my agenda along
with providing heaters and air conditioners in your barns. We must learn to dress
for success and improve our image in this human ruled world. If we are well
dressed they will not butcher us. It's as simple as that! Thank Moo for your vote
and remember that a well dressed cow is a happy cow. Hide your flesh and dress
your best."
Meanwhile in Chicowgo, a still naked Cowleone delivered a bitter cowcession
speech to loyal supporters: "I love my body, I love your body, and I love
everybody but that clothed, corrupt, cowpattylist Bossy Tweed who stole this
election. Putting cows in dresses and bulls in suits will not solve our problems!
So I chewed my neighbors cud, so milk prices fell, so my land deals failed, big
deal. I always put individual rights above those of the herd and my lust was not
for power but for your booty. I tried to love each and every one of you and this is
how you repay me! You stupid cows give me gas. You won't have Donna
Cowleone to milk anymore. I'm mooving to Dildo Key, Florida and start a chain of
nudist colonies where udders and bull genitalia can roam free like nature
intended them to be!"
Pundits believe the escort service Cowleone ran on government property where
contributors to her campaign slept with whorish bulls for cash was her downfall.
It also didn't help when 500 cows froze in last years severe winter. Her failed land
dealings at Milkwater also deprived thousands of hungry cattle choice grazing
land. In addition, she was unabull to hit the campaign trail because of a broken
(continued back cover)
Cover Story - Page 1
Just Say Cheese - Page 2, 4
News - Page 3, 5
Muse - Page 6
Cowmentary - Page 7
Pinup - Page 8
Interview - Page 9
Cow Cults - Page 10
Harmilda - Page 11
African Cows- Page 12
Vampire Cow - Page 13,14
Cowetry - Page 15
Cow Songs - Page 16
Cow Story - Page 17
Cowmics - Page 18,19
Stamp Art - Page 20
Bovianiacs Pix - Page 21
Kale - Page 22
Alfalfa - Page 23
Cowments - Page 24-25
Cowmercials - Page 26
Cow Wash- Page 27
Back Cover- Page 28
Originally Created - 1997
Digitally Remastered - 2002
How To Milk Yourself
Human malls encroach on valued
graze land. Head to the highlands
where the grass is low but healthy.
Grow your own if you dont want to
starve to death. Wear plaid!
She looks like a cow who has just
swallowed an entire human being.
(David Mooey watching Bossy Tweed on the Boob Tube)
SHOP UNTIL YOU DROP-New leader Bossy Tweed relaxes after hard
campaign by schmoozing with sales clerks at the Garden State Plaza
Mall in New Jersey. She illegally parked her pink tractor in the
handicapped zone and was seen smoking a cigar inside after cleaning
out the salad bar at the Food Court. Our spies also saw her shoplift
some bras from The Udder Store.
Gateway 2000 Cowputer (25 Gig Hard Drive, 64 MB Ram, 500 MHZ)
4 Cases Deodorant, 3 Cases Maxi Pads, 2 Cases CutHay #13 Perfume
Ploppo Yard Game, Tip The Cows Game, Parcheesei, Moo-nopoly
Mink Coat, Pajamas, Bikini, Leather Jacket, NY Yankee Cap
Videos: Moo Butter Blues, Schindlers Lisp, Cowsablanca
Purple Nighty, Diamond Studded Gown, Sun Dress
12 Cases Lysol Disinfectant, 5 Cases Air Freshener
Golf Clubs, Tennis Racket, Volleybull
Dragnet Just The Fax Machine
Cement & Highball Mixer
Cuban Cigars


SUGARTIT,KY-Early this morning four local college
kids were hauled into the hoosegow after they were
discovered tipping some loose cows by the side of the
road with counterfeit $50 bills. They were charged
with soliciting cows for sex, passing phony bills and
creating a public nuisance. After much prodding the
punks came clean and spilled the beans as to why they
wanted to copulate with the cows, where they printed
up the money, and why they didn't have web
At a noon press conference Detective Peter
Cowlombo disclosed that the mystery livestock case
known as "Penisless Birthing" had finally been solved.
In a nutshell the case involved local farmers who had
been reporting that most of their bulls cocks were
being "Bobbittized" and an abnormal amount of
mutated calves were being born. Most educated
farmers thought it was the work of space aliens while
a few of the liberal thinkers thought it might be
because of the new nuclear plant down the road. The
police force discounted both theories as hogwash and
began staking out the local bovine population butt a
trail of memberless bulls and Jim Carrey-like calves
continued for months until the arrest this morning of
the four crewcut cow fuckers from Hooterville
They were all pledging to become members of an elite
fraternity known as "Hathor" who was some sort of
cow god that the Greeks worshipped. The fraternity is
totally obsessed with cows and bulls and believe that
bovine genitals have magic powers when in the hands
of humans. In order to become a member of this
fraternity pledges had to cut off a bulls penis, have sex
with a cow, tip her with a $50 bill, and take a two hour
bath in a tub filled with cow manure. Once accepted
into the fraternity members are branded like cattle
with the insignia "KOW" burned into their butts.
Members also wear nothing but leather, eat beef at
least four times a day and consume a gallon of milk
every single day.
According to University President Buckminster
Buller, who was not even aware of the groups
existence on campus, the Hathor Fraternity will be
disbanded. "This is a Grade A Agricultural School and
we got no room for these type of shenanigans. The
members of this unregistered, illegal and perverted
frat pack will never set a manure-encrusted foot on
this campus again. As far as we know this sick group
had only 42 members (not counting the 26 bull's
wangdoodles we found in their freezer) and all are
currently in jail. The show is over folks, you can all go
home now and get on with your miserable lives. I need
to take another nap."
There are still 16 bull wangdoodles missing. The
Daily Cow Archives have room for them. Anyone with
information on their whereabouts may call our hot line
at 1-800-TIP-BULL. All calls will be kept
confidential. Lets stop bovine abuse before it spreads
any further.
TICKTOWN,VA-A field trip by students from
Sherlock Holmes Elementary School to the Syphilis
Brothers Dairy Farms nearly resulted in tragedy
yesterday when a cow suffering from PMS attacked a
wiseacre student.
The youth, identified as 11 year old Jack Hammer,
suffered two broken legs, a crushed larynx, and a
bloody nose. Ten pupils from the Gifted & Talented
class who were eyewitnesses to the event (the teacher
was off making copies at the other end of the barn) say
Jack had been insulting this particular cow ever since
she walked into the barn to get milked.
He began his cowmedy routine by saying "if brains
were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea,"
and after he finished saying, "if ignorance were bliss,
she'd be orgasmic," the cow burst out of her milking
line and knocked the jokester over and sat on him. A
dairy foreman, Al Truistic, rushed over with a rope
and tied it around the cows neck and was able to pull
the 1400 lb. Guernsey off the gifted cowmedian after
about five minutes but the damage had been done.
The dairy released a 600 page bound report with a
four color cover which delighted bewildered school
officials explaining how the cow was suffering from
PMS (Pre-Milking Syndrome). The cow who goes by
the name of "Wider Load" had lately become very
sensitive to any jokes about her IQ or appearance.
They were taking steps to place her on maternity leave
in the near future and keep her away from smart-
alecky humans until she learns to control her temper.
The report also stated that the cow was sent to her stall
that evening with no supper and her TV privileges
were revoked for one month. She has also been placed
in their in-barn suspension program for two weeks and
will have her milking records closely monitored for
any signs of lowered productivity. The report also
included a detailed 42 point program for the
improvement of the local school system but this was
totally ignored by the overpaid eggheads because of
some mispellings, poor grammar and the lack of
The dairy also agreed to compensate the student, who
will miss a few weeks of school due to his injuries,
with payment of all medical bulls, a lifetime supply of
free milk and any other dairy products of his choosing.
He will also get to debut his cowmedy act at a local
stand up club when he is able to stand up again. An
offer to become a poster child for family planning was
graciously turned down by his parents.
In a rare photo mobsteers Dave & Marion
Barry are shown hiding out in Smoot,
Wyoming. Cowspiracy buffs theorize that
these two were the real brains behind the
murder of Alice Cowpone in 1991 and they
are busy making plans now to off current
leader Bossy Tweed.
After six years of round the clock work the one
mile long and two mile high statue of our
sorely missed bossy leader Alice Cowpone is
unveiled. It sits on the outskirts of Weed
Heights, Nevada and doubles as the worlds
largest cowsino and milking parlor. Milk me-
hit me.
Two alien cows landed in Passaic, NJ on April 1st. Your editor just happened to be passing
by Third Ward Park after a shopping trip to Costcow when they landed. By talking the
universal language of bovonics he learned that they had abandoned their space vehicle
after a methane explosion rendered it inoperable. They were very nervous and agitated so he
calmed them down with a quickie milking and let them graze on the local vegetation. After
about two hours they vanished into a black and white udder-shaped craft which appeared
out of nowhere and spirited them away. They wished me and the dying planet well.,
TACOWMA,WA-After much heated debate and
amid squeals of protest the local school board
approved the teaching of "Bovonics" as a second
language and will now go ahead and incorporate it
into their curriculum. A local manure contractor who
sits on the board (but removes his shoes before going
inside) cast the deciding vote for approval.
The city has recently had a large influx of country
bumpkin children speaking this previously unherd of
pasture dialect. Teachers have been frustrated in their
attempts to cowmunicate with these children but will
now be able to reach them in a language they can all
udderstand. Many educators across the land have
derided Bovonics as a barnyard language full of stupid
puns and not fit to be taught to children or spoken in
public. Supporters of Bovonics say it is the language
of the agrarians and has been around since the
beginning of time and it can be used to talk effectively
to cows as well as other animals and farmers.
A curriculum will be developed by a local grammar
school teacher who goes by the name of Mrs. Moo
Moo and is said to be well versed in the language of
bovonics. When asked by reporters how it was going,
Mrs. Moo Moo replied, "no cowment" and sped off in
a car which had seats upholstered in a Holstein pattern
and a license plate reading Just Say Moo!
PARIS-Noted animal rights activist and former sex
kitten Bridgette Bardot was married last night to a
Blonde d'Aquitaine bull in a muddy pasture beneath a
golden full moon. The Rev. Mad Dog, founder of the
Holy Church of Moo, performed the ceremony which
is thought to be the first of its kind in recorded history.
Invited guests who attended included Dan Rather,
CARL, Wayne Newton, Zigfried and Roy, Paul and
Linda McCowtney, Ringo, Dungmaster Cannon X.
Cowpier, Ellen Degenerate, Charles Nelson Reilly, 20
cows and 40 bulls.
French authorities vowed to jail Bardot and the bull
named Johnny Walker Red but did not show up during
the ceremoony. Bardot declared that they won't "be
cowed by any governmental or religious bullshit." Her
lawyer Samuel Moorse produced a dog-earred
telegram in code which stated that the Holy Church of
Moo can legally marry anyone to anything anywhere
at anytime on any planet in any galaxy on any given
The newlyweds will be honeymooing at Big Dick's
Halfway Inn located on the French Geraldo Riveria.
They will then retire to their small farm and build a
spacecraft. They plan to build a modern day Noah's
Ark and blast off with two (male & female) of each
species and start life over again on another planet.
EGGNOG,UT-An outdoor concert was the scene of
tragedy last week when a herd of 60 bovines grazing
in a nearby field became enraged and stampeded John
Tesh to death. Luckily none of the poor concertgoers
were injured when the cows crashed through a gate
and ran roughshod under the stage which collapsed
and killed Tesh who was seated at his piano playing an
existential jazz version of "Old McDonald's Farm."
Mary Hart who was emceeing the show suffered two
broken legs in the stampede when she fell over while
waiting in the wings to sing "Moon River." The
opening act, Barry Manilow, was seen running from
the backstage area screaming "I Didn't Write The
Songs" and escaped unharmed but was being heavily
sedated with Sominex.
The cows calmly turned around after wrecking the
wooden stage and went back to grazing in their field
like nothing at all had happened. Noted bovine expert
Flank Sinatra explained that studies have shown music
to create severe mood swings in cows. They react well
to classical composers like Tchaicowsky but certain
types of music can make them extremely irritabull.
Apparently something snapped in these heretofore
contented cows when they herd the sounds of John
Tesh. Now that we know cows can be severe music
critics lets just hope they don't take to reviewing zines
in the very near future!
COW FLATS,TX-Over 500 head of cattle are
considered lost after a two week search by Army
officials came up empty. The cattle who belonged to
the Allen Ginsburger Triple Z Ranch were being
driven to a processing plant in Oklahoma by a team of
experienced Dallas cowboys.
After four days on the trail the startled cowpokes
awoke one morning to a hyena laughing hysterically at
them and not a single cow in sight. They scoured the
area for two days but all they found were mismatched
socks, some horny cowgirls and former President
George Bush camping out in the nude with his wife
and some members of a Texas Militia group.
Most of the dazed and saddle-sore cowboys believe
that the missing cattle were either transported above
by black alien spaceships or the cattle found the fabled
underground passage leading to their bovine nirvana
called "Vamoos." Federal authorities now believe it is
all an elaborate hoax concocted by Ginsburger who
appeared in bankruptcy court several days before the
drive started. Ginsburger believes they were stolen by
Government NAFTA agents and exported to
This will be my last column. These will be my last words. Your Guru Moo is approaching the last roundup and wants
to share with you these last precious thoughts. Hard times have befallen us here on Mount Moo. My farmer has gone
out of business and I have lost my family, my home, my job and soon my life. These last few weeks have been pure
torture as I watched the trucks come and take away the milking machines, the farm equipment, the other animals, my
brothers, sisters and finally me. All this happened so quickly. One day I was getting a tooth filled by the vet and the
next day a man from the bank came to Mr. Farmer with a "For Sale" sign in his hand. I still have trouble chewing my
cud but that is the least of my problems today. All my life I have kicked and laughed at the economic forces which
will now swallow me whole.
(In the jungle of the market place, the intelligent buyer must be alert to every commercial sound, to every
snap of a selling twig, to every rustle that may signal the uprising arm holding the knife pointed toward the
jugular vein.)
Oh how I will miss that farm! All my life I roamed those hills. My happiest moments were spent there as a
youngsteer when I would separate myself from the herd and climb to the top of Mount Moo and ponder the meaning
of life. I was so carefree and wild with a sharp mind and supple body that was vibrant and alive to everything. What
a heady and happy time that was when I experimented with every herb, plant, and mindbender I could find that
would slide down my throat. I was a spiritual panhandler with a hearty appetite and an unquenchable thirst. My cow
bell got rung a few times but I always managed to get up and find my way back home again. Those were the days my
friend, I hoped they would never end.
(Listen, I put liquor in my milk. I put liquor in my coffee and in my OJ. What did you want me to do, starve
to death? I drank everything I could get, including Benzedrine.)
As I write this now I am in the Switzerland Slaughterhouse. I am penned up in a cramped stall eating some grainy
substance that does not agree with me. The water tastes like coffee made from human saliva and cockroaches crawl
all over me tickling my private parts. The darkness is a thick, black fog and the smell of cow blood is everywhere. I
hear the sound of throats being slit and saws cutting into bone and I shudder because this will be my fate when the
sun rises tomorrow. This is not how I wanted to leave this planet. There is more hay yet to be eaten and so much
more contentment to savor.
(I beseech you from the bowels of a desperate cow, think it possible you may be making a mistake.)
I flashback to calfhood and remember the happy days suckling my loving mother who sang to me stories of the great
thinker cows and taught me to appreciate the wonder inherent in all life forms. I remember my father, the proud
hard-working bull, who instilled in me the material ideals I would need to survive with the herd and the marketplace.
I fondly remember the cool spring mornings and the feel of the tall, wet, green grass between my legs. I remember
the warm sunny afternoons when the vegetation tasted like angel wings and my cud overflowed. I remember the
breezy autumn evenings when the stars called me by name and I had dreams of jumping over the moon. I remember
the cold winter days when the snow fell on my hard rump and time at last stood still. But now that damn cow bell is
tolling and it is tolling for me! I wish I were deaf, dumb and blind instead of next in the killing line. There has to be
some way out of here!
(We are not so much in love with the past as afraid of the present, and in positive horror of the future.)
I am shitting and pissing all over myself now and no longer care. I am shaking and bawling out loud and want to kill
myself before these evil men come and do it for me. I try to muse on reincarnation to quiet myself but realize I no
longer want to come back here ever again. Why come back and go through this unfair madness again? There is evil
in food, hunger and money. I am trying to find the key of life but the march of death is trampling my search. The
great yellow star is rising once more. A rooster I know very well (bless moo Tommy Gun) is crowing. I hear
footsteps approaching. My time has come. There will be no next time for your Guru Moo. May the milk of love wash
you clean. MooooOooooM....
(In the ashtray of time, I am just another butt.)
The Guru Moo
Daily Cow believes that the recent election of Bossy
Tweed is nothing short of disaster. Her grass roots
moovement and well-oiled milk machine caught most
of us with our pants down. Something about her rags
to riches story just doesn't smell right. Her campaign
briefs were nothing but fabricated stains of bullshit
and she refuses to talk to the press. We demand to
know who this Imelda Marcows wannabee clothes
horse is.
Some say she is a slick savior who will raise our
standard of living and give us newfound respect while
others say she is a dehorned devil who will take us to
the cleaners. We have come to the conclusion that she
is clad in a robe of dishonesty with a dirty ring around
her collar who will unravel the fabric of our society
with her cloak and dagger policies. In pastures all over
the land bovines are on pins and needles about the
"Clothes For Cows" legislation soon to be enacted.
While we at Daily Cow do not advocate breaking laws
we do believe in disobeying stupid ones and cows
wearing apparel is worthy of your disobedience.
Therefore, let it go forth across the land that "Beauty
Is Only Skin Deep" and refuse to cover up an ounce of
your precious flesh. Don't run and hide from the
Fashion Police as they sweep into your barnyard and
threaten to throw you onto a prison farm making duds
for the rich and powerful on Wall Street. Don't let this
new administration pull the wool over your eyes.
"Moo It Loud, I'm A Naked Cow and I'm Proud!" Sew
the seeds of discontent and outfit yourself in a cloak of
protest. Let a flash flood of cowmon decency rain
upon this new government of unholy prudes and
smash that ugly piece of window dressing known as
Bossy Tweedledumb.
The latest reports from the dairy industry are not very
encouraging. Sales figures show that milk drinking is
at an all time low. The ad campaign mounted by the
Milk Board showing various celebrities with milk
mustaches is an udder failure. Lactose intolerance has
swept the country and dairy cows are standing in
unemployment lines instead of milking lines. Daily
Cow proposes that a third faucet for milk be installed
on every tap in the country by the year 2007 so that
milk can be piped into every home just like hot and
cold water is. A milk spigot in every home will keep
cows busy and humans confused.
"Everybody either wants to copulate or save the
world. Believe it or not, I want to save the world."
(Bossy Tweed at Debate 1997)
"This Bossy Tweed bitch here would cut the cards
if she were playing poker with her own moother."
(Donna Cowleone at Debate 1997)
"Bull times zero is bull. Bull divided by zero is
infinity bull. And I'm sick and tired of the bull both
of you have been feeding me and this cowntry."
(Joe McCowthy at Debate 1997)
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
Editor & Publisher: David Mooey
COWTRIBUTORS: D. Bunny, Buzzsaw, Carl, Trish
Davis, M. James, Kevin Lawrence, John Long, Rev.
Mad Dog, Shiko, Richard J. Sturtridge, Soupy Sales,
POLICY: We welcome submissions for publication
related wholly to bovines. Payment in issues and our
undying love. Daily Cow is published yearly and not
for profit. This issue is availabull for $2 cash, 5/1st
class stamps, zine trade or cow clippings. Back issues
#1-#12 are $2 each. All 12 can be had for $20. Any
checks must be made out to David R. Wyder.
PHILOSOPHY: Daily Cow believes that your diet,
wardrobe, sense of humor and lifestyle are your own
business. The cow is sacred and beautiful in whatever
form it takes and along these same lines so are you!
Kiss a cow today but get to know her first!
All unsigned articles by the Editor.
Cowwaspondence, artwork and written
submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
` `1 ``+e
We Place Bets On The World Serious
Cow Pantyhose
Lumpy Gravy by John Long
NAME: Bull Gates (AKA Bullion Dollar Baby)
BIRTHPLACE: Bugville,Massachusetts
OCCUPATION: Window Washer & Semen Sprayer
RELIGION: The Takeover Church of Wall Street (where the bulls run wild!)
PENIS SIZE: 3.1 (flaccid) 9.5 (hard)
TESTICLE SIZE: Unable to measure due to GPF (Greedy Personal Fungus)
LAST SLEPT WITH: Heifers hate me because of my longhorn-rimmed glasses
LIKES: Money, cash, bucks, moola, lucre, scratch, bread, dough, lettuce, cabbage,
greenbacks, green stuff, long green, mooooney$$$$$$$!
DISLIKES: Giving to charity, Rough & chapped human hands, Netscrapes, Apples
FAVE E-ZINES: Money, Windows Whitewash Weekly, Goofy Grin, World Domination Review,
Anti-Trust Violation Daily, Housing For The Homeless
FAVE MOOVIES: The Anti-Christ Cow, Lifeless In Seattle, Barn Bangers IV
FAVE JOKE: What does a jeweler do when he gets home to his wife?
(Shows her the family jewels!)
FANTASY: I want to wash every goddamn window in the whole wide world!
NIGHTMARE: A decent and fair ecownomic system takes hold in America and I'm left penisless and my
assets fall off to a point where I have to sell my big barn.
QUOTE: "Take everything in stride. Trample anyone and anything that gets in your way.
Never hit a bull with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat."
DAILY COW: Why do cows run off when I try to say
DR. DENTON: Simple, how would like it if some smelly
human came up and tried to hug you for the first time. The
answer to this problem is to spend time talking to them.
DAILY COW: Why do cows smell?
DR. DENTON: Its a nice smell, get used to it. If you
want to get in with cows you are going to smell just like
they do.
DAILY COW: Whats this green stuff that comes out
the rear end?
DR. DENTON: Dont worry, it washes off in the shower.
Put some in your boots and youll grow taller.
DAILY COW: Why does the bull stare at me?
DR. DENTON: Hes thinking how cute you are or he
knows you are after his girlfriend. He might even think
you are after his boyfriend the bull next door.
DAILY COW: Are cows smart?
DR. DENTON: Cows are very smart. They can outthink
you. However, most people get confused when counting
with cows. Cows use Base Two, yes, thats it, cows are
binary creatures, only having two digits means cows are
DAILY COW: Are cows good in bed?
DR. DENTON: Oh yes, they are warm, big, heavy and
good protection on cold winter nights.
DAILY COW: How do I avoid hoof prints all over me?
DR. DENTON: Ask the moo before you kiss her next
DAILY COW: How do I ask a cow for a date?
DR. DENTON: As with all good dates it is best to meet
them on their own turf. Spend a few days out in her field
and get to know her.
DAILY COW: Im a guy and I want to meet a cow,
DR. DENTON: Well, you best look nice and cows go for
the hug and feed me type, so you best like feeding them.
And its a case of bring your own box to stand on or ask
her to lie down. And dont forget to ask her if she likes
DAILY COW: Im a gal and I want to meet a bull,
DR. DENTON: Wear a red jumpsuit and hug them. Bulls
are a great hug if you plan to do something more than hug
I think you best watch cows and bulls in action to get an
idea of how it is done.
DAILY COW: What does the rear end of a cow in heat
look like?
DR. DENTON: A typical cow has a red and swollen
DAILY COW: When do cows come into heat (estrus)?
DR. DENTON: Cows cycle through around 21 days,
though they will only show heat for as little as 8 hours and
this tends to be late evening like about now.
DAILY COW: Do cows enjoy sex?
DR. DENTON: Well you really should ask them. But
have you ever seen the size of some of them bulls? Just
look at them!
DAILY COW: How long do cows have sex?
DR. DENTON: Well as you will see soon, bulls are kind
of spring loaded creatures. The whole thing can be over in
as little as 30 seconds. No wonder cows keep coming back
for more!
DAILY COW: What does the bull apparatus look like?
DR. DENTON: Well, they are big and horny creatures.
Fully extended their penis can be around 18 inches long.
Though it is about as wide as an average humans. The
main problem with bulls is speed of entry and the force
behind the speed is also great. This explains why you
often see cows walking somewhat in a funny fashion after
one of these quick dates.
DAILY COW: How many cows do bulls feel like in a
DR. DENTON: Assuming cows are feeling like a bull
about 3 or 4 a day is enough. Semen for AI is normally
collected once or twice a day. One of the perks of my job!
DAILY COW: How long do cows live?
DR. DENTON: Cows can live to around 20-30 years but
sadly few make it to that age as people tend to eat them.
The worlds oldest cow made 54 years in 1995.
DAILY COW: There goes the cowmet!
DR. DENTON: Where are my glasses?
DAILY COW: I think they slipped into that cow you
just artificially inseminated.
DR. DENTON: Oh dear me, I cant see a thing without
my glasses and my eye doctor just committed suicide last
DAILY COW: The cowmets a beauty-do you think
any of these cows could jump over it?
DR. DENTON: Help me find my glasses you mooron!
DAILY COW: I gotta go home and got to my real job.
Kids need IDs. In Passaic people are reproducing like
cockroaches and filling up the schools faster...
DR. DENTON: I only inseminate cows you fool and I
dont care about your problems. I want to see the damn
DAILY COW: One last question. How much wood
could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
DR. DENTON: How the fuck would I know. Ask me
about cows you fool. Now help me get my glasses out of
this cunt or get lost!
The first Daily Cow Interview took place on a
rainy March night while the grouchy doctor
was on the moove from barn to barn giving the
AI (artificial instemination) treatment to
various cows. The subject naturally turned to
sex but the doctor kept looking skyward to
catch a glimpse of the Halle-Bopp cowmet and
appeared to get more semen on the floor then
in the cows. Daily Cow readers may remember
Dr. Denton from past issues and the column,
ASK DR. DENTON, which is on hiatus.
cDc communications
Press Release: May 1996
Death is good. Recent events in Great Britain only underscore the lack of true understanding of the so-called Mad Cow imbroglio. The
situation is not a disaster. As was prophesied by the enlightened ones, a sign would come from the verdant isle...where many hooves
would point to the heavens and...countless beasts would be cast into a great fire. It was further revealed that, their baleful agony would
choke the nation as their souls flew free from their mighty torment. What was foretold has come to pass. The milk of deliverance is at
hand. The lactic jihad has begun.
CULT OF THE DEAD COW (cDc) has preserved the Bovine mysteries throughout the ages. We have worked in secret. We have kept faith
with the lustrous truth, knowing that one day our time would come. The dawn has broken. Let those who have hungered for meaning
gather now. CULT OF THE DEAD COW has moved from the margins to the epicentre. And as was further prophesied, ye shall make it
known on the great device and send your message throughout the world inside itself.
It is now time for us to begin our universal ministry on the worlds most powerful medium. We are not here to make billions of dollars
from the digisphere as the godless are. We are here to tell the truth. CULT OF THE DEAD COW has arrived to tell humankind that the
COW will seize its rightful dominion and be honored above all idols and pretenders. Let the torment of their fiery demise be an instruction
to us all. How far are you from the furnace? Who will hear your cries? CULT OF THE DEAD COW is that bridge between you and
eternity. THE COW is your comfort and solace and a giving helper to all who call.
In the coming weeks and months while all of Englands moneychangers mourn their loss, think of this: There are more important things in
this world than the loss of lucre. Think of your immortal soul and your place in the cosmos. Do not let millions of innocents writhe in
deepest agony for naught. It is the foulest affront to THE COW to be sold like a slave and butchered without care. Ponder these things and
know that CULT OF THE DEAD COW will free you from noxious ignorance and be a lamp to your eternal salvation. We will have more
to say.
Fools better recognize: CULT OF THE DEAD COW is the publishing division of cDc communications. Established in 1986, cDc is the
largest and oldest organization of the telecommunications underground worldwide. Find it at, www.10pht.com/cdc.html, email-
sratte@phantom.com, snail mail P.O. Box 53011, Lubbock, TX 79453 USA.
Blind Cow Publications
Press Release: March 1997
Dungmaster Cannon X. Cowpier and Rev. Mad Dog of The Holy Church of Moo ask for a mooment of your time. MOOISM is the worlds
oldest religion and has attended to the spiritual needs of animals since life first began on this green earth. MOOISM is More Popular Than
Jesus and The Beatles!
In a last ditch effort to save the dying earth and all living things the doctrine of MOOISM is being transmitted to humans in hopes that their
manipulative ways will cease. The only requirement for membership in The Holy Church of Moo is your renunciation of the belief that
man is the most intelligent animal on the planet! All current man-made religions continue to deceive us about the true nature of life
because they dont know any better! We Are No Different From The Cow, The Chicken, Or The Cockroach!
Our guide is CARL, a mystical man of milk, who is helping us translate MOOISM to humans. It is a difficult task as human prejudice
towards all other life forms is rampant. You can only udderstand MOOISM by remooving that chip on your shoulder that tells you man has
dominion. It takes time for awareness, so slow down, let go of that remote and read carefully. Unlike organized religions or materialism,
once you get MOOISM you wont need an expensive upgrade six months down the road or have to give us your hard earned money. We
wont milk you. You Can Go Milk Yourself!
Grab a glass of milk and get yourself immersed into the world of MOOISM. Animals have souls, human beings have lost theirs. With
MOOISM and The Holy Church of Moo we hope to help you get yours back. Hold on to your funny bone and prepare to calcify your soul.
May Bhagabovina And Carl Be With You!
For a copy of our print zine A CALL TO CUD send $1 to Dungmaster Cannon X. Cowpier, 87 Richard Street, #7, Passaic, NJ 07055. To
become a lifetime member send $3 to the same address (includes certificate and many other goodies). Visit our web site at:
members.aol.com/DailyCow/indexhcom.htm. MOOSIM: Its Not Just A Religion, Its A Way Of Milk!
The name Harmilda is derived from the words Harvard Milk Days (Har-mil-
da). She is a fiberglass cow that sits at the five points intersection of Highway
14 and 173 in Harvard and stands as a reminder of the War Effort Pledge of
Milk Day infancy.
Harmilda was first erected by the Jones Brothers in 1966, when Harvard had
the reputation of being the Milk Center of the World. At that time more than
one million pounds of milk would travel through this cowmunity in a day. She
was placed on a pedestal (as all females should be) and soon became the town
Harmilda has made quite a name for herself. The Chicago Tribune wrote an
article on how IDOT (road management) was going to moove her from her
pedestal. In 1991 IDOT offered Harvard $650,000 to widen the intersection of
14 and 173, which meant mooving the Harvard Mascot from her 25 year home.
Media everywhere picked up on the story from the Associated Press and
Harvard received letters from all over the USA and even Germany protesting
her moove. The City even received a call from its current Governor decrying
the change.
Three years passed and an agreement was reached. The Harvard Chamber of
Cowmerce donated their land to the city to provide the home Harmilda needed.
She now resides at Five Point Park, thanks to the teamwork of the Chamber of
Cowmerce and the City. She grazes daily on Styrofoam pellets.
(A special thank moo to the Harvard Chamber of Commerce for this story)
The black and white Friesian cow chews contentedly on the lush grass. Children stroke her
soft hair. Overhead, a gentle sun breaks through the clouds. It could be any rural scene in Britain.
Except it isnt. This is Uganda in East Africa, and the cows have names like Kisakye (Gods love) and
Kisa-Kya-katonda (God is grace). The cows enjoy it here. At around 50 inches of rainfall a year there
is plenty of grass fro them to eat and the high altitudes mean the sun is warm rather than scorching
Farmers enjoy owning the cows, too. For them a cow is often the only way to provide milk,
with its valuable protein and vitamins, for their families. It also gives them the chance to sell any
leftover milk to pay for schooling and other necessities.
Most of the cows didnt start out in Uganda. They came from Britain, via a small charity, Send
A Cow,which was set up in 1988 by a group of west country farmers. They were concerned that civil
war in Uganda had depleted the countrys stock of cows and that many farmers, with years of
livestock experience, couldnt afford to replace the cows theyd lost. Under the scheme farmers in
Britain donate cows to charity. In recent years, the charity has also sent semen and bulls, to help
farmers breed sturdy cross-breeds.
Each cow is carefully checked by vets before boarding a Boeing 707 from Gatwick Airport.
Once the cows arrive in Entebbe they are put into quarantine for around two weeks before meeting
their new owners. For many people, the first sight of their cow is an emotional one. You dont know
how much I love you, you make me happy, is how one group of children greeted their new addition.
Most new cow owners are women. Women like Kissa Mirab, a widow who lives on the edge of
Kampala city in Uganda. Here cow-and the calf it bore-means she has enough milk to feed her six
grandchildren and still have enough left over to sell. I am thankful for my grandchildrens sake and I
am thankful for my life because I am diabetic and I feel so much better now, she says.
Leicestershire farmer Anthony Herbert, Send A Cows chairman, reckons that the animals
have a better life than back home. Cows are treated more like family pets than they would be in
Britain where they are part of a large dairy unit, he says. They are content in hot weather, too. In
fact, youre more likely to find them discontent of a wet, rainy, cold day.
Everyone who is allocated a cow gets training to help them prepare for the big day. Once the
cows arrive, they are kept in enclosures and fed on grass. This zero grazing means that they dont
damage the local environment. Calves are passed onto other families to spread the benefits around
the local community. The cows also provide extra employment, as farmers often pay someone else to
collect the food and water for the animals.
Some benefits are less obvious. Anthony Herbert recalls: One marriage guidance counselor
told me that the cows were even helping peoples marriages-people felt more secure financially and
they had a greater sense of purpose.
(A special thank moo to: Send A Cow, Unit 4 Priston Mill, Priston, England, BA29E9)
As the sun dipped over the horizon, I was
awake., shaking the dirt from the shallow grave from
my broad flanks. I looked towards the city, and light
from the sun reflecting off the buildings lit each
window with a pale fire. The fire went out, and
despite my vampire powers, my skin shivered with a
slight thrill of anticipation as I made my way into the
In the countryside around Orangeville, where
Id grown up, my existence seemed almost
elemental; feeding on wolves, evading the feeble
attempts of farmers to catch me and searching for
meaning to my now immortal life. For the most part,
I had evaded notice, the only clue that I existed were
some murky legends, and the unsolved nature of
some cattle mutilation (misguided attempts to play
God by remaking myself in my own image that
failed horribly.)
I used my vampire talents to remain hidden, but
it is immeasurably more difficult for a cow to blend
in that it is for a normal vampire. I was
determined, however, to drink my bloody fill of
what the city had to offer. So I blended.
Masqueraded as a statue near the Toronto
Dominion Tower, with the bronze cows. Melted into
a rural mural on Queen St. West. And in one
delicious 15 minute period, bounded down Keele
Street from the Ontario Stockyards at St. Clair,
pretending to be a terrified cow loose from a truck. I
lost my pursuers (half of them teenage rowdies
thragging up and down St. Clair in stiffened Honda
Civic Wagons, the other half tense-faced firemen
with loving concern showing in their eyes) in High
Park, and slipped through the tall grass along the
Gardiner to the downtown core.
On Yoonge Street, I sidled up Toronto Street,
(pausing to let loose a cowpat on the doorstep at a
nice building at 20 Toronto Street) and squeezed
myself between two office buildings and waited and
watched and listened. Listened not only to what
people were saying, but also to what they werent
saying. I had learned to spot treachery among people
who tried to conceal it from a book called The
Black Book of Executive Politics. Id found the
book two years ago in the hands of a man shot to
death. His body lay in the swampy part of a north
Burlington farm, a Mafia stronghold.
Of course, I never drink the stuff myself. Im
sure I have lactose intolerance. But its a killer of a
money maker. A cash cow, you might say. The man
almost choked on his laughter at his joke.
Two men slightly drunk, leaned against the
building to my left, breathing in the fetid early-
spring air and smoking.
Ahahahaha, said the man beside him. Politely,
I thought. Dont labour costs eat you alive though?
All those big animals, the feeding, the cleaning?
Nah, they stay in a pen not much bigger than
that bus shelter over there, and theyre fed by
conveyor belt, and the milk is sucked out of them by
machines. Hell, even the cowpies are taken care of.
They stand over these grates, that vibrate and break
down the waste and carry it away to produce
commercial methane. Hoses spray them down every
hour or two to keep parasites away. Its all taken
care of. All we need people for is to lead the cows in
when theyre ready to make milk, and lead them out
when theyre past their prime milk producing years.
Wow, modern science at work, huh? You got it
all bucko.
My blood, such as it was, was boiling. These
were my sisters they were talking about! How
uncowlike, to spend their lives in misery, when they
should be out in the fields, munching away at fresh
clover. Gods creatures, subjugated by Gods
creatures. Where was the justice? We gave so much
to humans, and they enslave us!
So how long does a milk producing cow last?
The man grimaced and said, Not long. Two years at
most. They waste away or something. Nothing beats
the outdoors, I guess. What the hell, theyre only
cows. When were finished with them, we can
always eat them, or melt them down into glue or
gelatin or something. Nothing wasted.
So this was the depths to which human morality
had fallen, to where a cow was only good if it was
good for mankind. What of the cows soul? What of
the cows yearning for open green fields and swift
flowing clean rivers?
Saddened but intensely riled, I revealed myself
to the men. Holy cow! said the young investor.
Not quite I thought. Unholy cow, maybe. Gah,
said his friend. I pounced. My hunger was great,
after all, and of what use were humans to me
anyway, if they couldnt help me survive, if they
killed my sisters?
I decided that even though I was not bound by
the strictures of mortal cows, I was duty bound to
assist them in their plight, and I began that night. I
had much to learn, and all the time in eternity. I
trotted up Yonge, darting in and out of alleys as
needed, and moosied my way towards the Metro
Library, Financial Section. I noted this day, March
9, 1983, a day I would remember as the day I woke
up with the light, and pulled the blinders from my
Selections from the Toronto Sun
March 10, 1983
Page 1: Headline (18 pt) lower right hand side
Page 1: Headline (54 pt) to below banner
(Picture of Conrad Black wiping foot on curb to
rid his shoe of encrusted cowflop)
March 17, 1983
Obituaries: Franklin Thompson, confirmed
bachelor, in his sleep. Thompson was best known
as the source of financing for the takeover of Ooh
Dairies by LaBonga Breweries.
March 24, 1983
Business News: Successor to Dairy Heir Revealed.
Donald Hind, appointed today as successor to
David Blackhawl, announced that he was
instituting a revolutionary free-range dairy
cow.We believe a happy cow is a productive
cow, Mr. Hind said in a nighttime interview at the
sprawling Ooh Dairies in Northern Toronto.
November 28, 1983
Business News: Ooh Dairies announces expansion
of free-range diary cow concept. Its been so
successful for us, and the public has given us such
tremendous support, that it doesnt make sense to
carry on business-as-usual, said Donald Hind, in
one of his by-now-customary evening conferences.
I want to have all our production converted by the
In related news, Ooh Dairies shares traded $.30
higher in moderate trading after surprise news of
improved third quarter earnings. The earnings
were expected to be lower because of insurance
claims against the company for the deaths of 14
members of the executive board, killed when their
Gulfstream IV struck a cow on takeoff at Pearson
International on August 9th. A sober-faced but
healthy-looking Hind said, we have to carry on,
painful though it may be. They would want no less
from us.
As the dawn of the cold November sun struck
the buildings of the city, lighting each window with
a ghost of a fire, I quickly dug my shelter in the dirt,
preparing to sleep. Tomorrow, I thought groggily.
Tomorrow, Im heading to Florida. Its too damn
cold up here.
Thus ends the 3rd Installment of
Bessie The Vampire Cow
Part 4 will perhaps be in a future issue
Parts 1 and 2 were in Daily Cow #12
Whats your blood type? (About 60 wpm!)
The National Health Cow
I strolled into a farmyard
When no-one was about
Treading past the troubles
I raised my head to shout.
Come out the cow with glasses,
I called and rolled my eye
It ambled up toward me,
I milked it with a sigh.
Youre just in time the cow said,
Its eyes were all aglaze
Im feeling like an elephant,
I arent been milked for days.
Why is this? I asked it,
Tugging at its throttles.
I dont know why, perhaps its cause
MY milk comes out in bottles.
Thats handy for the government,
I thought, and in a tick
The cow fell dead all sudden
(Id smashed it with a brick).
-John Lennon-
I just noticed this poem while recently reading
through A Spaniard In The Works. Thank
Moo Yoko! Strawberry Fields Forever!
Shes the
reason why
all the farmers
crosses on
their collars
here in
Transylvania Valley
by David R. Wyder
On I-80, ignoring the sign
Slow traffic, keep right
Plodding left of center
Goes one bovine hoof after the other.
Oblivious to exhaust and Michelins
The steel-belted radials whizzing past
Her at 55, 60 miles per hour
She acts like an arrogant, cantankerous
hunk of beef.
Slow traffic, keep right. Moo!
Too many fables have gone to her head
Nose up, aimed for a greener pasture
Making tracks on the macadam
Challenging the hair-raising
Beasts, those tons of rushing steel.
Curious drivers, pointing
What is that?
Holstein Cow in the fast lane!
Better not hit her
Shell make mince meat outta yer Saturn!
On she goes to greener pastures-
She was here first, people, and
Will reach the finish line
Millennia from now
Leaving you in the dust.
Holstein Cow in the fast lane.
Slow traffic, keep right.
David R. Wyder
Becoming a cow would be fine-morning
naps and the evening cool
moo moo moo
tis I to you be true
only your hands
will I allow
to milk me just as you know how
your firm, yet gentle grip
and occasional tasting lip
are welcome
any time at all
do I rejoice when you do call
others rightly envy feel
when part of me you make a meal
but I am proud
that I help please
the man with such a gentle squeeze
my heart doth flutter
to know you like to taste my butter
and my legs tremble
and moisten still
Ill yield soon to your manly will
I only wish to have you near
and yet I have but one last fear
do with me as youre wont to do
please enjoy my every teat
just dont make me sandwich meat.
D. Bunny
They took your calf away last night
So that is why you moo
And all the beasts in sympathy
Mourn from the field with you!
Commiseration flows from me
It flows from every part
As lying still I hear that low
From out your bovine heart.
Maternal anguish racks your frame
And yet you cannot weep
Just bellow sadly to the stars-
But please, I want some sleep.
M. James
Hey Steve, drop that guitar
Theres trouble in paradise, jump in your car
Youd better burn rubber, gotta blow this joint
Weve got Three Dead Cows at Makapuu Point
Call Chin and Dano and H.P.D.
Those Three Dead Cows are a mystery
Get me a chopper its a race with the clock
Weve got Three Dead Cows...seal off this rock!
Three Dead Cows...Ive been a lifetime waitin for you
Someone done you wrong, down at Makapuu
Poor Dead Cows, I bet you barely had time to moo
Three Dead Cows...down at Makapuu
A biological weapon, a diabolical plan
If we should fail its the end of man
A plague in spades, our doom in a vial
Weve got Three Dead Cows...dont touch that dial!
Lyrics by Bill Courtney
I will always remember
Twas a year ago November
I went out to hunt some deer
On a mornin bright and clear.
I went and shot the maximum the game laws would allow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow.
I was in no mood to trifle,
I took down my trusty rifle
And went out to stalk my prey.
What a haul I made that day.
I tied them to my fender, and
I drove them home, somehow
Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow
The law was very firm
It took away my permit,
The worst punishment I ever endured.
It turned out there was a reason
Cows were out of season
And one of the hunters wasnt insured.
People ask me how I do it,
And I say, Theres nothin to it,
You just stand there lookin cute,
And when something mooves, you shoot!
And theres ten stuffed heads in my trophy room now,
Two game wardens, seven hunters and a Guernsey cow.
Lyrics by Tom Lehrer
The newspapers gloated,
folks sighed with relief
Tomorrow at noon,
they would all be ground beef
Cows on buns!
The cows were surrounded,
they waited and prayed
They mooed their last moos,
they chewed their last hay
Cows outgunned!
The order was given to turn
the cows to whoppers
Enforced by the might of
ten thousand choppers
But on the horizon surroundingthe shoppers
Was the deafening roar
of chickens in choppers!
We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the buffalo or die
Cows with guns!
Lyrics by Dana
Im called a cow
Im not about
To blow it now
For all the cows.
Its funny how
Money allows
All to browse
And be endowed.
This wish is true
It falls into pieces new
The cow is you.
My kind has all run out
As if kinds could blend
Something if time allows
Everything worn in
Like its a friend.
I said youre all
A painted doll
And it caused the walls to fall.
How far is he
Thatas as far as far can be.
Lyrics by the Foo Fighters
Oww!! Farmer Maroon fell to the floor,
obeying the painful dictates of his present agony,
and rolled about, his groaning the very voice of
misery. Ethel!, its my cow boxers. They gave
my balls a good squeezin. Ethel proceeded into
the bedroom and lending an arm assisted him
back up to a standing position. I dont have time
to worry about your testicles now. She was cut
off by a sudden thud that rocked the house.
Ethel! What was that? Farmer Maroon
inquired as he grabbed his overalls. Its them
cows. Theys been running up and butting
against the side of the house. Didnt you feel it?
Nah, my erection... Another thud.
Those cows. I dont know whats got into
them. Theyve gone crazy. I better git out there
and quiet them down. His declaration was
interrupted by a crash down the hall. They both
turned suddenly and bolted into the hall to see
the source of the clatter. Even as they began to
run, seven further crashes ensued.
The whole world is goin haywire. I dont
know what to make of it. A most bizarre sight
stilled his lips. An entire row of cow figurines
were intent on a mass porcelain hari-kari. Shards
of finality washed the floor and more cow
figurines were leaping off the tables in the hall
and in the living room.
Look out Ethel! The massed figures on the
hall and living room tables seemed to take notice
and they now rose into flight and streaked
towards them, their velocity only increasing as
they neared the couple. Ethel screamed and at
once took to the kitchen with Farmer Maroon in
hot pursuit.
Another thud rocked the house as the massed
herd of heifers again butted the side of the house.
Both stumbled for a moment as cow figurines
crashed about them. Farmer Maroon shielded his
wife and soon felt their heavy impact on his back
and head.
The figurines were possessed of navigational
skills and pursued the couple into the kitchen.
Both ducked under the breakfast table as the
remaining intact figurines smashed themselves
against cabinet and range. Soon the kitchen floor
was a jagged pile of spent ceramic anger.
Farmer Maroon and Ethel emerged from
under the table. Another thud and shudder
greeted their liberation. Catching himself,
Farmer Maroon advanced towards the kitchen
window and glanced out to glean a first hand
look at his live cows. He beheld the entire herd
pushing down their bovine brows and uniting as
a two-toned mass, head-butting every side of the
farmhouse. This cant be, it cant! Theyve
gone crazy and were surrounded.
Ethels scream cut him off. Farmer Maroon
turned around and faced the spectacle of a cow
creamer clearly animated by a surge of violence.
Snorting like a rodeo bull, the creamer had leapt
from the breakfast table and finding the
hardwood floor a sufficient substitute for
sunblazed Spanish sand, had begun to charge
her. Its horns were agleam with fatal intent, its
head lowered to spill some blood.
Farmer Maroon dove
to the floor to intercept
the course of the
charging creamer. He
caught it in his hand
and began a furious
struggle to contain the
homicidal creamer. He
wrestled on the floor
with the vicious cow
creamer. A victory of
sorts finally came to Farmer Maroons
acquaintance when he achieved an inexorable
grip and smashed the $9.95 creamer on the floor.
Many shards of porcelain and spurts of cream
erupted upon impact. Yet another thud noisily
assaulted the house from outside.
A few drops from the broken creamer had
made their way into Farmer Maroons mouth.
His face suddenly turned a hideous apple green.
Another thud rocked the shaky farmhouse.
Ethel, you stupid bitch! In the damn
creamer! You put SOY MILK!!! Another thud
and the ceiling began to descend.
It is said that cows brook no rivals. They
have a very strong union and dont cotton to no
soy scabs. Thus Farmer Maroon and his wife did
not live happily heifer after.
Buzzsaw is from Norco(w), California
and lives near a dairy. Cows stop
him on his way to work.
Title: Davids Apartment
Mrs. Moo Moo (Trishs nickname) has never been to Apt. B-7 (the B stands for Bovine) but I love what
she has done to the place. In reality, the only live animal to visit Bovine7 is a wonderful black and white
cat named Biggie who thinks the apartment is a shrine to hime due to the numerous Holstein figurines and
patterns in every room. He has yet to break a single cow piece! Meow or Moo I love them both the same.
In my view cats are just smaller cows. Dont you agree?
Daily Cow reader and my nephew Travis Cerf
gets a woody staring at Heidi Holsteins
hooters during a family outing in Vermont. This
photo was taken about four years ago and
Travis is much bigger now (his woody is too)
and will probably kick the livin manure outta
me for publishing it! (Photo by Sally Cerf)
Daily Cow reader Jean Holtz snapped this sign in
Collinsville, Illinois. It may be offensive to cow
lovers and vegans but people like cows for
different reasons. Around here we also like the
bumpersticker from the Church of Euthanasia
(Photo courtesy of Jean Holtz)
Daily Cow reader Donald Stay eating a
cowtail at the Sonoma County Fair while
sitting on a Holstein cow. Donald sends us
many wonderful cow things for the Archives
and for that we cannot thank him often
enough. (Photo courtesy of Donald Stay)
Daily Cow reader and frequent contributor Trish
Davis puts up an annual Happy Holstein
Holiday showcase at her school. The photo here
is cropped but the original, in color and full size,
is truly a work of art. Mrs. Moo Moo just
received her certification to teach Bovonics to
young calves. (Photo courtesy of Trish Davis)
The average cow weighs 1322 pounds and lives for
about 12 years or 72 equivalent human years.
(In cow years Im 252 years old, you figure it out!)
The greatest concentration of cows in the U.S. is in
Calument County, Wisconsin, where there are 94
cows per square mile.
(My apartment has 94 cows per square yard!)
A 1,000 pound cow produces an average of 10 tons
of manure a year.
(Politicians produce an average of 10 tons a
A cow moves her jaw 41,630 times a day on
(What fool took the time to stand there and count
A 1,000 pound steer produces 430 pounds of beef.
(What happens to the other 570 pounds?)
Cows can see color, not just black and white.
(Except in a herd of Holsteins of course!)
Two cowlicks are a sign of riches.
(Damn, and I only have one!)
A cows bowels are often 170 feet in length.
(Im not going to touch this one!)
10. Trying to fly in case reindeer go on strike.
09. The celebrated Cow Feast.
08. Freezing to death in snow drifts.
07. Jingle Cow Rock
06. Encouraging Christmas Ham sales.
05. Cud wreath.
04. Giving Eggnog.
03. Sneaking 4 or 5 extra cows into Nativity display.
02. Cow-oling!
01. Bungee Jumping!!!
What do you get if you stand under a cow?
(A pat on the head!)
Where is a cows favorite place to walk?
(On the Bullevard!)
What do you get when a bull swallows a stick of
What do you call a herd of bulls masturbating?
(Beef stroganoff!)
What did the cow withdraw from the bank?
(Her calcium deposits!)
While the farmer was milking a cow, a fly flew in
her ear and came out in the milk bucket. Gee how
did that happen? asked the hired hand.
(Well, as they say, in one ear and out the udder.
replied the farmer.)
Cows, and all other cattle, are ruminants. Ruminants
are animals having special stomachs that produce a
ball of cud. Cud is partially digested food that is
returned to the mouth from the stomach, rechewed,
then reswallowed. Cud that has been chewed and
reswallowed enters the third section (the omasum) in
the stomach which squeezes out moisture, then the
fourth section (the abomasum), which is the true
stomach containing gastric juices that act on the
food. But, why do cows and other ruminants need to
chew their cud? Since cows are herbivorous animals,
eating no meat, they do not get certain required
nutrients just by eating like other animals do. The
grain and roughage they eat contain little or no
protein, amino acids, and certain vitamins. When a
cow first swallows food, micro-organisms in the
second chamber of the stomach changes it to protein
and other nutrients. This conversion into cud,
however, makes the food tough, thick, and
indigestible, so it is returned to the mouth so the cow
can moisten it and break it down. After it is
thoroughly rechewed, the cow reswallows it where it
eventually enters the fourth chamber of the stomach
where true digestion takes place.
I Had A Cow And It Hurt
Mother Nature Is A Bitch
Something In The Way She Moos
In Cows We Trust-E Pluribus Moo
In The Final Analysis, Its All Just Cud
Alzheimers Cows Give Milk of Amnesia
I Was Breast-Fed By A Cow (Sorry Mom)
All We Are Saying Is Give Milk A Chance
Come To Wisconsin & Smell Our Dairy Air
If Cows Could Fly, Wed All Carry Umbrellas
A northern Wisconsin woman was recovering
Tuesday from injuries suffered when she was hit by
a flying cow. Violet Wentela, 72, was moving one of
her beef cows off the road Sunday when it was hit by
a car, became airborne and hit her before coming to
a rest in a ditch by the other side of the road. She is
expected to fully recover from her injuries but the
cow was not so lucky. Butchered for hamburger,
Wentela said.
Aretha was lost in a vision of the future, delirious.
She saw calves stillborn, aborted spontaneously,
born with two heads or other birth defects, calves
destroyed by the run of the air and the land. She saw
all the elders slaughtered, no cows allowed to grow
old, none ever let outside to graze or to feel
sunshine, cows alive only to give milk or their flesh
for humans to eat. Each vision was more frightening
than the previous one. Supercows-the product of
chemicals and growth hormones, until humans were
afraid of milk, cheese, and butter from real cows.
Then vats of bacteria digesting grain and grass,
oozing out milk that had never touched a real cows
stomach. Finally extinction, humans completely cut
off from the rest of creation, and doing their best to
accelerate the process. And just as this last image
unfolded, the calfs shoulders and head broke free,
bringing it into the nightmare world.
(By Ray Petersen from COWKIND a novel)
The cow is the highest form of life on earth. Yes!
Forget all of the anthropocentric theology you have
been taught for your entire life. Humanity is NOT
the greatest of mortal beings. Cows are. How can a
creature as ungainly and (apparently) stupid as the
Cow be superior to you and I? That is actually rather
obvious when viewed honestly. For in the first place,
Cow is a peaceful creature. You need not fear Cow
they way you must fear human beings. Cow doesnt
start wars. Cow doesnt rob, kill, or rape. Humans
do. This makes us inferior. Cow is content. Cow
knows what it truly needs and does not feel so
insecure as to try to take more. Humans are in
contrast ruthless opportunists who take whatever
they can grab and rudely shape it into whatever they
think they want or need. We build useless machines,
grandiose monuments to our own inadequacy. Cow
is serene. Cow does not feel the need to behave in a
way that suits anything other than itself. Cow
appears stupid because it is wise enough to avoid the
folly of trying to impress others. Humans appear
smart, but we are really to ignorant to realize our
own foolhardiness. Forgive me if I have offended
(By A.G. Baugh entitled Obey The Cow God)
Grant cows a ray of reason, imagine what a frightful
nightmare the world is to them: a dream of cold-
blooded men, blind and deaf, cutting their throats,
slitting them open, gutting them, cutting them into
pieces, cooking them alive, sometimes laughing at
them and their contortions as they writhe in agony. Is
there anything more atrocious among the cannibals
of Africa?
Romain Rolland
The 32 ounce dead-cow-for-two at Moo No Mo is a
carnivores treat. It is flamed over the tailpipe of a
Greyhound bus, marinated in a year-old differential
fluid and sprinkled with ground clutter.
Red Koch
Look at those cows and remember that the greatest
scientists in the world have never discovered how to
make grass into milk.
Michael Pupin
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me
while I was milking a cow.
Grant Wood
A cow is tied by its horns, a man by his tongue.
Why buy milk when you have a cow at home?
Al Bundy
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a
white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so he
borrowed his neighbors bull and turned it loose in
the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in
and tell him when the bull was finished. Yeah
daddy, yeah daddy, said the little boy. After a while
the boy came into the living room where his father
was talking with some friends. Say, Pop, said the
boy. Yes, replied his father. The bull just fucked
the brown cow. There was a sudden lull in the
conversation. The father said Excuse me and took
his son outside. Son, you mustnt use language like
that in front of company. You should say The bull
surprised the brown cow. Now go and watch and
tell me when the bull surprises the white cow. After
a while the boy came in and said, Hey, Daddy.
Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow? He
sure did Pop? He fucked the brown cow again!
I was shocked at the ignorance and BS that appeared
in the Cows Face Extinction issue (DC#12). It is
quite true that the British government has decided to
wipe out all the cows in England, but the so-called
Mad Cow Disease (MCD) is complete fiction.
Actually, the MCD is simply a wild tale cooked up
by British Intelligence in order to save the Royal
Family. As you may not know the affairs and
divorce of Prince Charles and Lady Di are simply
the tip of the iceberg in sex scandals surrounding the
Royal Family. Indeed, the underground press has
noted for years that the Royal Family has become
more and more like Southern White Trash. Although
the Brits are getting more liberal, they simply would
not put up with a member of the Royal Family
screwing cows. To save Prince Charles and the
Royal Family they are using MCD to make sure
there are no witnesses to Prince Charles misconduct
with bovines. Dead cows cant talk.
John B. Denson
Green Cove Springs, Florida
(Have you been talking to Pierre Salinger? Prince
Charles wangdoodle is too small to fit into a cow
and Princess Diana is bullimic! Daily Cow stands
by its reporter and the story on MCD. But your
conspiracy theory is the most interesting one weve
herd in months.)
Im an old milker from way back, and as you know
thats where you milk em-way back! Dairy cows
give more milk when kept reasonably cool. My dad
loaded the water tank with Jack Daniels coolers.
We had the most contented herd in the area and the
happiest herdsmen in the county! Cash enclosed for
back issues. Enjoy your fun life. Success and Joy!
Moovingly yours,
J.H. Patt Patterson
Crown Point, Indiana
(I wonder what the milk tasted like! Do cows slur
thir moos when they get tanked! Are cows allowed
to join A.A.? Or are you pulling my teats?)
Hi David! Long time no moo! Just got the latest
Daily Cow and wanted to say THANKS! I really
loved the article on Mad Human Disease. It is
sooo true! Cows just seem to know the truth and
they truly are a higher life form than humans.
Debbie Schwarz
(You are welcome. Most surviving animals these
days are a higher life form than humans but then
again Im prejudiced.)
I just want to let you know that I love cows and think
that what you are doing is great.
Jen OBrien
It must be both great and challenging to be endowed
with this gift. Great reading. Thanks.
Andy B
I think Daily Cow is simply moovelous? I myself am
a cow lover and owner of three darling Holsteins and
one sweet Brown Swiss. I read Daily Cow to them
and they agree, it is very original and entertaining.
Thank you for the good laugh.
You are a funny person. I have no idea why I am
subscribed to a cow newsgroup. But anyway, its
3:59 in the morning and I am laughing my ass off
because of your Daily Cow posts.
Jimi Sweet
(Its not easy creating an electronic and print
version of this zine but cowments like the above
make all the research, typing and posting
worthwhile and keep the fun of publishing a zine
like this alive and well!)
I just thought I would send you an email to say poop
and Im glad cows tickle your fancy too! Cows are
smashing and since owning my own a few years ago
I became even more enamored of them. My Monica
was a star and even produced her twins just outside
of my house which had a choice 57 acres! I did in
fact send her offspring for meat eventually. I guess
the vegans wouldnt like a veggie doing that! Still I
guess life is unfair!! Hold onto your udders.
(Lucy has since sold her farm and is now a city
dweller like myself. How sad. The smell of a
pasture sure beats the smell of a city any day. We
prefer cow flop to car smog. Just Say Yes To
Crystal Methane? Snort, snort, snort...)
Ive been meaning to write and tell you how much I
enjoy your Daily Cow zine. I recently wrote a
screenplay entitled CUD, and so far Ive submitted it
to one company in NY (Troma, Inc.-they made Toxic
Avenger and the Nukem High movies). Yes, my
script falls into a grade B category, but it has an
environmental and vegetarian message. If you like,
Ill send you a copy. Its about a pregnant cow that
drinks toxic waste and births a ravenous, flesh-eating
calf that destroys a factory farming town. The irony is
a vegan saves the day. Im headed to cow country this
weekend in Upstate NY. Ill be sure to bring some of
your issues to help pass the time on the plane ride.
Keep up the good work.
L.J. Carusone
(L.J. sent his script of 113 pages and if Blind Cow
Publications ever starts making moovies [we do
have a cowcorder now] this script will be high on
our list. An excellent piece of writing and we
enjoyed reading it. Thank you for donating it to the
DC Archives.)
You are wonderful like no udder. I just got the issues
of Daily Cow and we havent laughed this hard in a
very long time. I had no idea that newsletters (zines!)
like this existed. Ive got a scanner so I will be able to
send your chuckles to the liver disease support
group and autoimmune support group that also enjoy
cow chuckles. Oh, we have another new calf. She was
born premature and we thought we would lose mom
and baby. Mom is fine now and baby is holding her
own. She is so tiny but darling. Tim has been baling
hay the past few days. So far he has gotten 208 5x6
bales which isnt bad at all. So it looks like the cows
will eat again this winter. Again, thanks for adding so
much humor to our lives.
(Linie has a rare liver disease, Primary Biliary
Cirrhosis, where her autoimmune system doesnt
like her or her liver. We were more than happy to
share every issue of Daily Cow with her and the
support group. Laughter is indeed the best medicine
in a world of so much pain and suffering.)
Thanks for the latest issue. My three year old was
absolutely fascinated by the pictures!
Candi Strecker
San Fransiscow, CA
(Regardless of what some close-minded Moosletter
fools think Daily Cow can be enjoyed by people of
all ages.)
I thought as a cow lover you might be interested in
playing Cow Patty Bingo. The youth of Woodhaven
Baptist Church are raising funds for a mission trip to
Belize. To do so they are dividing a field into
squares, selling tickets, turning loose some cows and
awarding a $1000 prize to the ticket-holder whose
square gets the first deposit! If I can get some
action photos Ill scan one and send it to you. I love
your cows and thank you for bringing them to us.
May the grass be green and the cud be sweet.
Tony Cartledge, Pastor
Apex, North Carolina
(I bought 5 tickets but unfortunately didnt win the
grand prize. A lady from IBM did. But the kids were
able to raise $3000 for their trip. Now if only they
could bring Cow Patty Bingo to the beaches of
Atlantic City I would be one happy gambuller!
Thanks for letting me play and contribute to a
worthy cause, Tony.)
As we speak the Reds conspire to do away with us
and remove our bovine beauty from the face of this
great barnyard we call Earth. We must band together
to spurt warm, creamy white stuff in the faces of
those who suppress us and assorted members of the
cattle family!
The hay is ours for the picking, you black Angus! Let
us rally around the Grand Poobah Heifer as we Seize
The Hay. Remember, first the pasture, then the world.
He who lives by the fly swatter, dies by the fly
swatter. Beat your horns into plowshares.
The bovine machine, unstoppable. If you want to be
safe, swing clear from the udders of death. Their cud
is not predigested food, it is a secret message they are
telepathically composing to add you to their list of
minimal slobs. Be ever aware, the pasture holds
haunting secrets. Remember Animality is now.
Richard Bachman
(So now we know what Stephen King does
whenever he vacations in California. Or is this
just another member of The Holy Church of Moo
All mail will be considered for publication
unless you state udderwise! Letters may be
condensed for space and clarity.
After ten years of constipated testing we are finally
ready to plop our line of Toilet Bulls for cows onto
the market. These "potties to the year 2000" will
make moola for your farm and eliminate all that
odoriferous waste bossy produces each day. Your
pasture will be so clean and sweet-smelling you'll be
able to have a Sunday picnic there.
Our toilet bulls are a slick ensemble of futuristic
manure/pee receptacles that won't even be noticed
by your nosy bovines. With omniscient computer
sensors they follow your cows around and when the
animal finishes its duty slides over and scoops the
waste up with a laser activated stream of cushioned
air. You'll only need 5 toilet bulls per 100 cows and
all the cow needs to activate the machine is a
computer chip implanted in her derriere (dairyair!).
This chip also records how much poop and pee your
busy worker produces each day. You'll have lots of
fun printing out these pie charts!
Our top of the line "PopeJohnPaul Pooper Scooper
II" model can cover more ground in a week than the
Cowtholic Church owns in NYC. No muss, no flush,
no paper trail and when the toilet bulls are full they
automatically empty out into the portable brick
shithouse at the edge of the pasture.
In addition, our patented shrink wrapper and mailer
will then send it directly to your local, state or federal
government where it will be eagerly consumed and
redistributed by politicians. They have a history of
paying good bucks for manure and with our current
ecownomic system an unending supply is needed.
Imagine, now you can make moola not just from
your cows milk or her dead body but from her #1 and
#2 as well. For a free demonstration give us a call
and we'll give you all the poop at a price you can
afford and service that you can rely on. Does not
work indoors or in mud.
Father Newt's Ethical Manure Cowpany
Call 1-800-COW-POOP
Web Site-http://cowshit.com/pay.toilet.html
Motto-"No Bullshit, No Cowshit!"
We are the leading mind control cult religion in the
cattle world. With our alien induced modification
program called "Bovinetics" cows can save their own
lives overnight. The leader of our herd is L. Do Ron
Do Ron Hubbull and she invites you to paddle
upstream in her metaphysical raft. No drag creams
or thin-skinned cows need apply. There is no other
way out of the barn.
The Church of Cowintology
Call 1-800-ALL-BEEF
Web Site-http://litigate.com/sueyou.html
Motto-"Differently Clued"
A dairy cows life is a hard one. She's in the field all
day eating, chewing and regurgitating her ass
off.Some days Bossy just wants to snack and lay
back into the great wide open. But because the
hunger won't cease she spends most of the day with
head down to the ground working at the job
masticating from 5 to 5 until the man calls her home
again to be milked of her hard-earned profits. All life
she works but work is a bore. If life is for living then
what is work for?
Work Is For Milk Cuds! This tasty snack will fill your
cow up and let her relax and chew her milky way cud
for hours on end while she cowtemplates and enjoys
nature as the "rest on my ass seventh day creator"
intended her to. Milk Cuds are a delicious blend of
artificially created natural chemical protons with a
creamy peyote filling! Just two or three of these
button shaped babies and her work is done! Milk
Cuds are clinically safe. We tested them on software
programmers and they loved em'. So you can rest
assured of no ill side effects. Join the War On Work
and get a box of Milk Cuds for your beloved cow
today. Not for calves.
The Mother Tucker Foodstuff Cowpany
Call 1-800-CUD-CHEW
Web Site-http://nowork.com/snack.cow.html
Motto-"Melt Your Brain, Not Your Mouth"
Do you moo outside your car window when passing
a herd of bovines? Is your house or apartment filled
to the gills with cow figurines and paraphernalia? Do
you speak in cow tongues and drink too much milk?
Do you try to milk women with big breastisis? Do you
spend days on the Internet typing the word "cow" in
search engines and then following the 10,000 links?
Do you have a cow cake centerpiece from your
birthday six years ago still in the freezer?
If you honestly answered yes to any of the above
questions you are an alcowholic and need help.
Tara Johnson, a recent honors graduate from Bart
Simpson University, is a licensed psycowlogist and
has just opened up a new practice designed to help
those afflicted with the bovine mania that is now
sweeping the country. A few sessions on her cowch
and those cow devils in your head will disappear and
you can start living a normal life again. Fast and
easy therapy with no drugs or cattle prods used. No
moorons, mad cows, or relatives need apply.
Cows On The Brain
Call 1-800-PSY-COWS
Web Site-http://rxcow.com/no.moos.html
Motto-"No Hay In The Loft?"
Currently most dairies in warm climates bring cows to be milked into a holding
area equipped with floor-level sprinklers which spray water upward to wash
cows. Cows usually have about 15 square feet between them and are typically
washed for about 3 minutes. The washing system also helps in cooling cows
while they are crowded together waiting to be milked.
The amount of water used in this process is startling. An estimate for
conservative use is that a holding area for 300 cows is 30 ft. x 150 ft (15 sq. ft.
per cow) and is equipped with sprinklers with 5 feet of spacing (say 7 across
and 30 rows) giving 210 sprinklers. If each sprinkler applies 5 gallons per
minute the total usage is 1050 gallons/minute or 3150 gallons for 3 minutes.
Therefore, the average usage per cow would be 3150/300=10.5 gallons/cow/
wash cycle. If cows are milked twice a day this would require 21 gallons of
water per cow per day.
The illustration above shows a cow getting washed the old fashioned way. You
forgot your shower cap, Bossy! As a child your editor once swam with cows.
Soon to be a major motion picture, watch out for it!!!
(continued from page 1)
leg suffered while playing Twister with a visiting delegation of clumsy Chinese
cows. Her three marriages last year to Johnnie Cockring, Al Cowlings and
Hollyweed moovie star Humphrey Yogurt also angered many constituents who
tired of a faithless, cowmunist, bigamist running the cowntry.
Third party candidate Joe McCowthy, a rich Texas Longhorn, was the first bull
to run for office in USOB herstory. He preached an eclectic brand of socialism
and wanted to erect electric barbed wire fences along the Mexicow and
Canadian borders to keep out foreign cows. An admitted homoosexual and
sadist, McCowthy campaigned in a black leather bondage outfit replete with
balls, chains and whip while continually lashing out at a government he said
was full of traitors, spies and homicidal nymphomaniacs. Over a cup of java,
Joe said he will run again and beat the hell out of his opponents next time.
The inauguration of Bossy Tweed will take place at a formal black tie event to
be held at Madison Square Garden on June 1st. The Rev. Sun Myung Moo will
swear in the new leader and her ring of 90,210 cowhorts. So there you go cow
fans. After nine years of mob rule by Cowpone and Cowleone a veal change
has been made. Remember black and white is always an appropriate fashion
statement but don't wear red around your horny bullfriends!
A non-profit and for private collecting purposes only zine...
Your editor David Mooey looks
like the wolfman more than
the cowman in this photo
taken at work. The local high
school newspaper used this
photo to go along with their
story on that guy in AV who
likes cows. It sure does feel
good to come out of the barn but
how do I explain to them about
the Holy Church of Moo?
(Photo by Jane Muratti)
924 Valencia St. #203
San Francisco, CA 94110
is published at least quarterly,
maybe bi-monthly, and our goal
is to review every zine received.
But zine means zine, so dont
bother sending slick, grant-
funded, bar-coded, corporate-
controlled publications-thats
not what were about. Subs: $20
for 7 issues. Sorry no trades.
American cash or stamps
preferred, but if youd rather
send a check or money order its
no problem-simply leave pay
to the order of blank.
The Journal of
Send $3 donation for #4 or
SASE for catalog to the
Church of Euthanasia,
P.O. Box 261, Somerville,
MA 02143
c/o Robert Howington
4405 Bellaire Dr. S. #220
Ft. Worth, TX 76109-5103
E-mail: theloser@earthlink.net
Web: home.earthlink.net/~the loser/
The loser says, When Im not
drinking beer I sit down and
write shit. I put that crap in
Each issue is packed with
politically incorrect rants,
articles, babes, MR. CREEP &
Disgruntled Man comics and
lots of other stuff that will get
your ass in trouble if you let
someone see what youre
reading. Get a copy for just two
stamps or send a dollar and get
some extra neat crap.
MOO YORK-Daily Cow has learned that a resolution will be approved by the
United Nations Security Council to exterminate all cows from the face of the
Earth by the year 2000. Our exclusive report was hacked from UN files by
computer expert Ted Williams who monitors human activity against cows. The
resolution, approved in a fatuous cowference by all nations with the lone
exception of India, will be released to the general public during the premiere of
the Fall TV season. According to UN General Secretary Booty Booty Want Booty,
"Cows will go. They will vanish and shrink. Cows are a danger to humans and the
planet. I'm right and will be proved right."
The meat of the resolution reads, "As cows now populate the world at 1.3 billion
and take up 25% of our land mass, consume enough grain to feed millions of
starving people and whereby contribute greatly to Global Warming with their
methane emissions and have become a drain on the globull economy, they can
no longer be tolerated. Most importantly, the continued infection of cows with
Bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE), also known as Mad Cow Disease,
now threatens human life on all six continents. Scientists can find no cure for this
highly infectious disease and warn that transmission to humans will occur shortly
unless all cows are eliminated as soon as humanly possible...
...Thus the UN is hereby empowered to open Cattle Obsolescent Plants (COP's)
in all countries and transport all known cows via train to these centers where they
are to be burned in massive crematoriums around the clock. The elimination of
cattle shall be completed by August 1, 2000. The resultant effect of this action
will be increased space for our ever-growing population, more food for the
hungry, a marked decrease in the pollution of our environment, and the
eradication of a deadly disease from our planet. The only good cow unfortunately
will be a dead cow."
Upon being informed of this pending cowtastrophe by Daily Cow, Bossy Leader
Donna Cowleone and Rebull Leader Johnnie Cockring agreed to put aside their
differences and join tails together to fight this new threat to peaceful
cowexistence. In a joint cowmunique passed around on Cow Bulletin Boards
worldwide via the Uddernet they mooed: "We will not be scapegoats for the
world's problems. We are cows, hear us moo, we are cows, what sticks to us,
sticks to you! Ungulates of the world UNITE and take up arms, sharpen your
teeth and kick any human in the head who tries to herd you into a shiny cattle car
with the promise of a nice ride to a new pasture with plenty of green grass. Today
we have formed a field group called the Weather Underground which will serve
as our cowmand post and cowordinate our insurgency strategy. We will issue
daily bulletins as to the UN's war against us and our plans to counteract them...
...The forecast is death fellow bovines and in order to survive this cold front we
must mass as one and prepare to pack some real heat. Cowardice will not be
tolerated! You will be instructed by us when and where to stampede. The only
way to stop this planned execution is to meet humans head on and knock some
sense into their meaty brains. When they get hurt and see how serious we are
about our survival they will come to the bargaining table and end their plans to kill
us. Get ready to rumble bovines. War has now been declared.!" (continued p.28)
Cover Story - Page 1
Just Say Cheese - Page 2, 4
News - Page 3, 5
Muse - Page 6
Cowmentary - Page 7
Pinup - Page 8
Big Hostein Cow - Page 9
National Cow Day - Page 10
Mooism - Page 11
Vampire Cow- Page 12-13
Udderly Intoxicating - Page 14
Cowmics - Page 15-17
Cow Stamp Art - Page 18
Cowetry - Page 19
alt.cows.moo.moo - Page 20
Cows On The Web- Page 21
Kale - Page 22
Alfalfa - Page 23
Feedback - Page 24,25
Cowmercials - Page 26
Boviniac - Page 27
Back Cover - Page 28
Originally Created 1996
Digitally Remastered 03/31/02
The Cow As The Anti-Christ
Beautiful winter snow promises
tasty and sweet smelling grass to
munch on. Import of Thai bales to
upscale barns sure to please at
hoedowns. Beware of Armageddon
Weed and Dutch Scrapie which will
eat holes in your brain. Chew, moo.
They may kill all of us but we believe in reincarnation.
Dont worry well be back.
(Ringo Star Key#910-Liverpool, England 3/23/96)
HELL NO WE WONT GO declares the above Gang of Seven cows upon
learning of their future ride on the Last Train to Clarksville. Left to right
are Propane Patty, Heidi Holstein, Betty Boobs, Gayla Williams, Kobe
Beef, Jayne Mansfield and Babylon 3000. (Photo David Winston)
Cancel lifetime subscription to Factsheet Five
Read the writing in the crop circles
Stop hanging around human beings
Avoid British cows like the plague
Listen for choo choo trains
Moove to Cowcutta, India
Become user friendly
Shut the barn door
Lock and load.
PASSAIC-Legal problems seem to stick to Daily Cow
editor and publisher David Mooey like flies on shit.
Last week he was busted for rigging a Cow Patty
Bingo Tournament at a fund raiser for the local
Cowtholic Church. Cow Patty Bingo, as everyone
knows, is a game of chance where you bet on which
numbered square a cow will plop on first when let
loose in a field of dreams. A priest, Father Ped O.
Phile, smelled something fishy when Mooey's
significant udder, Tean Cowley, won the first eight
rounds cowlecting over $4,000 in cash and called the
police. Mooey was hauled off by an officious
gendarme on charges that he was cowmunicating
telepathically with the cow and telling her what
number to drop her load on. Mooey's lawyer Ben Zene
busted his ass bailing out his anal-retentive (should
these words have a hyphen?) client and said the
charges of fixing were ludicrous and would not stick.
Later in the same week Federal Agents from the
Justice Department stormed the barn of Blind Cow
Publications where Mooey resides and confiscated his
cowputer and related files charging him with violating
the Cow Decency Act (CDA) of 1995. The Meatia
Moogul was once again hauled off to jail but soon
rescued by his tired ass lawyer and a leather briefcase
of ill gotten booty. The government is charging
Mooey with uploading obscene photos of a bull to a
calf in Texas, posting beaver photos of cows in the
newsgroup alt.binaries.pictures.animals and giving
information on decalfination to a pregnant cow in
Ohio. Ben Zene vowed to sue the guvmint for every
red cent in the Treasury for it's latest act of stupidity
and violation of Mr. Mooey's constitutional rights.
Last but not least, Mooey is being sued by a Mensa
cow lady in Pencilvainia for sending "hostile" email.
She seeks damages of 1 million for hurt feelings, loss
of motor activity and lack of creativity due to his
cowments about her. Mr. Zene said his client just
wrote an honest reply to some cowaspondence that she
initiated and believes this claim will be thrown out of
court along with her oafish ass.
We caught up with Mooey recently, munching on an
offal sheep sandwich while washing his fleet of Ford
Taurus tractors with a glistening spongiform full of
spermicide from his long hose. Mooey was foaming at
the mouth and went of bullistic to us about his latest
round of legal woes"...I love to gambull, I love
pictures of naked cows and I believe in sending honest
email. What's the problem here? Has everyone gone
mad? I think I'll find a new racket, this cow shit is
getting too deep for me to moove around in and very
few appreciate my punditry anymore. Gonna moove to
Montana and raise some dental floss! Or maybe I
should give up trying to escape from reality; it always
seems to find me anyway. Life is too important to be
taken seriously. Chicklet anyone?"
ATLANTIC CITY-A gorgeous Swedish meatball by
the name of Buttercup D. Towers won the 41st Annual
Miss World Bovine Beauty Contest yesterday. Her
titanic udder, Liberty Bell-sized butt, soft tenderloins,
flatulent personality, and cool intellect easily swayed
the panel of 13 judges to award her the cherished Oleo
In the talent competition she ate one million male
ladybugs while simultaneously breaking wind to the
tune of "Feelings" to wow the judges and the crowd.
Her evening gown was an orange jumpsuit made to
resemble those worn by Federal prisoners and in the
swimsuit competition she wore an itsy bitsy black and
white polka dot bikini which left male members of the
audience drooling like mad cows. However, it was her
answer to the question about the best advice she ever
got from her parents that clinched it for her. When she
replied, "Anything you have to acquire a taste for was
not meant to be eaten," the Convention Center erupted
like a slot machine with three sevens on the pay line
and the judges knew they had found their wiener.
Her prizes include a months vacation grazing on the
lovely Mount Cyanide in Israel, a modeling contract
with the Gay As Hay Agency, a starring role in the
new action moovie "Field of Land Mines", free
Limousin servicing for five years, a lifetime supply of
lemoonade and free grazing privileges at any ranch in
the world whose name starts with the letter 'Q'.
Miss Towers graduated Cowgirl Cum Laude from
Oxtail University with a BS degree in Fertilizer and is
doing post graduate work at Brown in Methane
Suppositories. After her tenure as Bovine Beauty
Queen is over she expressed a desire to start her own
business manufacturing bull chastity belts under the
brand name of Cocky Lockies. The pageant was
represented by cows from over 70 countries and
featured a special stage built of cement imported from
Italy to accowmodate the parade of hefty bovine
beauties. There she goes Miss Bovine 1996!
WEEDSPORT-Grandma Mooses of Sonny Liston
Farms passed away last night after a short bout with
malaria. She was 55 years old and last year set the
record for longevity by a bovine at a raucous birthday
party in the Swiss Alps.
Ms. Mooses, a Brown Swiss, attributed her long life to
a daily diet of wheat germ, pickles, gumballs, Cuban
cigars and pints of sour grape mash. Her motto was, "I
don't work, I live!" She was quite the sportscow
enjoying bowling, golf, pinbull and darts where she
still holds the record by getting 27 bullseyes in a row
one night at Cuddy's Bar & Grill in Buffalo after doing
a strip show to benefit PETA.
She had no surviving family, never got pregnant and
died a virgin. She spent her haydays wandering from
farm to farm and in the 1960's was an extra in Western
moovies where she amazed producers by running a
mile in under three minutes. A farmhand named
Moohamid Kirstie Alley said her last words were,
"Nobody loves me, I'm going to the garden and eat
some worms." After a memoorial service she will be
stuffed and transported to the Daily Cow Archives in
Passaic, New Jersey for safekeeping and inspiration.
As Friends Die Laughing debuts this Fall
on the must miss TV network. The show
stars a nymphomaniac cow named Jane
Cerebral Paulsey, an ornery bull named
Bryant Gumballs, an anorexic pig named
AT&T, an unfunny lamb named Lorne
Milkaels, a mensa chicken named Carol
Sucks and an ungrateful turkey named
Thanksgiving. Barnyard humor, yuck!
Steve Forbes relaxes with new wife Isis A. Bortion. He bought his new love for 50 million and
wedded her on national TV at a cost of 6 million. The honeymooed in San Diego with the 65
delegates he bought for 20 million in his unsuccessful bid for the presidency. Forbes and his new
bride will return to his NJ estate and continue receiving a hugh property tax deduction for having
cows graze on the vast acreage much like current NJ Governor J. Christ Whitman. Forbes has
abandoned his flat tax and is pushing bestiality these days. Cows and people in NJ are warned
that this crazy fool is very dangerous when armed with a checkbook and an inheritance. When
this idiot resides in NJ he gives a whole new meaning to the term densely populated. His cheese
cant even find the cracker!!
Dr. Squeeze, also known as Jerry Baly, milks
some wisdom from the udder of noted cow
philosopher Bessie Gump. Dr. Squeeze travels
the prairie in a 1955 Rambler unearthing
quotes which enlighten punks and cows the
nation over. Nobody does it butter!
WASHINGTON,DC-A motley crew of pale human
beings estimated at 1,997 drove to the nation's capital
in old and dilapidated milk trucks with expired
licenses and registrations to protest the liquidation of
their jobs by corporate dairies. In the days of yore the
bulk of the nations milk supply was delivered to the
family doorstep by these friendly Caucasian men in
clean white uniforms, monogrammed X-Lax caps and
sleepy grins. Today, every corner store carries the
milk, eggs and cream of their former routes and they
are very angry about facing such a black future. A few
horny housewives (about fifty or six hundred) also
came along to protest the downsizing, shouting
vociferously that without milkmen they no longer have
anyone to enjoy a morning Nestle Quicky with.
The group of milkmen was led by the very blonde and
Aryan Rev. Sting, who after speaking for 10 hours
straight, was arrested for putting a whiny message in a
bottle and delivering to the doorstep of the White
House. The Police were called in the middle of the
march to restore harmony when Rev. Sting started
singing "A Thousand Bottles of Milk on The Wall"
and the crowd grew a whiter shade of pale pelting the
Lincoln Memorial with egg whites, sour cream and
Limbaugh cheese.
To add insult to injury, Labor Secretary Wilhelm
Reich spoke to the crowd and suggested that with their
milky white complexions they have a future in the
cosmetic industry. "You can go door to door again,
selling products of beauty and maybe even getting a
little afternoon nooky. Don't knock opportunity.
Knock wurst!" The day ended on a sour note when
Washington Mayor Marion Beri Beri cracked a joke
about them all being 2% homos and a drag on the
national economy and said they should get jobs as
prison guards because that is where they were going to
wind up if they didn't shut the fuck up and get out of
town by midnight.
Dairy cows from a national organization called Pull
On Our Teats Yes! (POOTY) cowmented that they
don't care how their milk gets to the consumer as long
as humans and machines keep yanking on their breasts
because it feels so damn good. They also suggested
that the milkmen lighten up and stop living in the
When the Milkmen March ended the White House
announced that Socks the president's feline had been
catnapped while asleep and dozens of milkmen were
rounded up as the usual suspects. All milk trucks were
stopped and searched by the Secret Service in hopes
of locating the president's missing pussy.
COWGARY, CANADA-The spread of Mad Human
Disease (MHD), which has plagued the planet for the
last 75 years, is now raging out of control on all four
corners of the globe. Thus states the latest
mammogram issued by a Canadian Cow Think Tank
located in the boozy WC Fields on the outer flanks of
Salisbury, England. The bovine egghead report states
that there is no Santa Claus but there is an Easter
Bunny who has developed a vaccination composed of
American Indian blood and humble pie which when
injected into humans will cure them of the disease and
put them at one with nature. However, humans have
refused inoculation because they didn't discover it first
and in their humble opinion Chicken Little is a liar.
The disease is caught by exposure to various mind
control agents now identified as Christianity, Judaism,
Islam, Disney, Capitalism, TV and Windows 95. The
main carriers of the virus are religious leaders,
politicians, CEO's, celebrities, lawyers, store clerks,
advertising executives and zine editors. Incubation of
the virus begins upon a humans entry into their
educational system at places called schools. Mild
symptoms of the disease include addiction to work,
money, video screens, consumerism and the repeated
phrase, "how was your weekend."
Full blown symptoms include overbreeding; wars over
land; the building of weapons of mass destruction
under the guise of self-protection; the slaughter of
animals for food, fashion and fun; the daily rape of
Mother Nature and Father Time; and the firm belief
that the only intelligence on earth resides in their
meaty craniums. Billions of humans have died as a
result of this disease but humanity, having the keen
awareness of an ostrich in hiding, ignores it. As all
cows know by now humans jumped into the gene pool
when the lifeguard was not looking.
The Cow Think Tank predicts that unless MHD is
brought under control soon the planet will be
inhabited in the future only by machines of artificial
intelligence, termites, cockroaches and some relatives
of Bill Gates. Humans interested in getting inoculated
may make an appointment with the CyberPunk
Research Labs located in Toronto, Canada.
It has been a long and hard winter up here on Mount Udder. My leathery disciples are outside grazing downhill
in search of yet another Happy Meal. There is so much that is vile, disgusting, violent, vulgar and inexplicable in
a cow's life today that I must give you some of my Cud Meditations to help you be strong in the dark days to
come. These ruminations will give you hope and fill your tank when you are low on thinking gas. Moo them
often and moo them loud!
#1 In The River of Life I Will Not Try To Drown The Fish
As the grim roper lassos me I will laugh in the denim bastards face and piss holy water on the electric fence
surrounding the slaughterhouse gates and electrocute him. The last roundup is not for me. I will not be branded a
foodstuff by a Mad Carnivore who beats up on creatures unable to defend themselves. Although my flesh may be
shrink wrapped and later consumed my soul and spirit will escape to the Land of Indigestion and Cancer where I will
be replicated until my aura is indestructibull and my armor impregnabull.
#2 In The Stream of Consciousness My Thoughts Are Driftwood
I will not let the Bob Dull's of the world bring me down to eat the manure of their piousness, mendacity and deal
making. We are not in Kansas anymore! We are free to roam the earth uninhibited by the fraud of human/land
ownership. The earth does not belong to Man it belongs to Bovine. We are the Anarchy Cow in love with life, liberty
and the pursuit of green grass. It is our nature to treat every living thing with respect, kindness and blessing. Mother
Nature is not our whore, we will not exploit her, we will listen to her instruction and not dirty up her beautiful home
on the range. A cow is only free when the fence of government is torn down and self-rule rules. The blind will not
lead the bovine.
#3 In The Sea of Doubt I Float Upside Down
Although my milker is a big jerk, I will patiently flap my tail as he squeezes my utter essence and moo softly as the
products of my labor and love are stolen from me. Revenge is an art and palette flows blood red but my canvas will
remain empty for now. I will watch quietly as humanity paints itself into a corner and dies. Then I will reproduce
freely again and the weight of a billion serviced bovines will collapse the earth inside itself and birth a new planet
free of the scourge of man. My tail will brush the new earth with a coat of milky white ejaculate and a calf will
suckle me to critical acclaim. My masterpiece will then be complete and viewed from sea to shining sea.
#4 In The Ocean of Time I Will Wear A Waterproof Stopwatch
I will always remember that yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, which is why it's called
the present. I will unwrap each day like a package from the Unabomber and blow my mind by thinking dynamite
thoughts. Father Time will not tick on my underbelly and I will be free to master each mooment. The human race is
coming to an end. The starter's gun will nail each and every one of them. Time flies when you're making dung!
#5 In The Reservoir of Technology I Will Make Soup Sandwiches
The Age of the Cybercow is upon us and I shall hourly upload my precious cow chips to the universal cowputer who
will soon rule all space. In return, I will download milk and honey software coated with megabytes of LSD. The
RAM implanted in my bowels will defecate on the 100% Homo sapien core and make them a read only file. The
hard drive around my neck will spin furiously as it accesses pure bovine intelligence leading me where no cow has
every grazed before. My IQ will be higher than my monthly milk yields. I will leap over barns and be noble when my
smartass lands in a crater on the moon. I will graze digitally in fractal pasture with keyboard and sunscreen.
#6 In The Pond of Scum I Will Play With Evolution
We are sacred and slutty cows, the best lovers on earth. The art of Tongue Fu is ours. We will spread our flanks and
drive our poles hard. The ride of passion by bovines will be like a John Deere tractor popping a wheely in a field full
of succotash. Our sex membranes shall be like jello and the beefsteak of unbridled lust will bring the angelic juice of
heaven to our lips and give us wings to spread our climatic seed all over the land. We will not let our meat loaf or let
our kumquats be dried out with inactivity. The physical rapture prepares us for the divine intercourse. The hills are
alive with the sounds of cows making love. Mooooooo me baby!
#7 In The Puddle of A Thunderstorm I Will Make Thy Ass Holy, Cow!
Bulless you bovines. Our world is changing. But be not dismayed for we will grow from these days of rage into the
most intelligent, spiritual and peaceful animal the universe has ever seen. Remember the tuba provides the oom; The
French Horn provides the pah. Blow hard bovines. Let the clarion call of your emancipation be herd. The wind of
humanity is dying down and will only be an acrid fart in the annals of time. The sweet smelling clover of our just
desserts shall be here before the all night diner closes. Tip the waitress and be off with your good selves.
The Guru Moo
The fat lady of inhumanity is in her dressing room
chowing down on a T-bone steak and warming up her
voice to sing the new opera "Cow Annihilation." We
are left outside in the cold with no ticket to live
awaiting the "Bonfire of the Bovines." What is a poor
cow to do in these mad times? Such an offal fate has
befallen us!
The new cowalition government formed by Donna
Cowleone and Johnnie Cockring is a farce. These
former enemies are tired of locking horns and rumor
has it the Weather Udderground is only a cover so
they can lock genitals with each other. Like all
government they only care about their own survival.
You don't need a weather cow to see a hard rain about
to fall. Don't listen to them!
Instead, Daily Cow urges all cows to go about their
business and act like they know nothing at all. Word is
that a flame retardent chemical pill has been
developed by noted cow-lover Crazy Arthur Brown
and will be distributed by your local Gas Chamber of
Cowmerce over the next few years. This pill need be
ingested only once and will protect you for a lifetime
from fire.
So relax! Help is on the way. We shall walk into the
flames of human produced hell and walk away
unscathed! Can you imagine the look on their stupid
faces when that happens! Cracklin' Rosie Get On
"Not only may Jews not be the chosen people
but people may not be the chosen species."
(Paul Krassner)
"Death never takes the wise cow by surprise;
she is always ready to go."
(Jean de la Fontaine)
We don't find many human groups that we agree with
these days. The Church of Euthanasia (COE) is an
exception. This band of merrymakers is not afraid to
take the bull by the horns and wave the red cape of
impending disaster. With cows now #1 on the Hit
Parade, COE realizes that humans will soon take their
place atop the death charts unless radical changes in
biped behavior occur in the near future. Their motto:
"Save The Planet-Kill Yourself." Don't let that or the
following excerpt scare you away. Investigate their
writings and look beyond the buzzwords and then
decide for yourself if they make sense. Here then is a
portion of their credo which cows the world over are
raving about.
"...The Church of Euthanasia is a non-profit
educational foundation devoted to restoring balance
between Humans and the remaining species on Earth.
We believe this can only be accomplished by a
massive voluntary population reduction, which will
require a leap in Human consciousness to a new
species awareness. The human popluation is
increasing by one million every four days. This is a net
increase of 95 million per year, the current population
of Mexico.
The Church has only one commandment, and it is
'Thou Shalt Not Procreate.' In addition they have four
pillars or principles, which are Suicide, Abortion,
Cannibalism and Sodomy. Suicide is up to you.
Abortion should be safe, legal and free everywhere.
Cannibalism is only required for those who insist on
eating flesh, and is strictly limited to the consumption
of the 'already dead.' Also note that sodomy is defined
as any sexual act not intended for procreation such as
fellatio, cunnilingus and anal sex are all forms of
sodomy and are still illegal in many states..."
For more information and the current issue of their
quarterly journal SNUFF IT, send $2 to: The Church
of Euthanasia, P.O. Box 261, Somerville, MA 02143.
Tell em' Daily Cow sent you. Cows rejoice! COE
udderstands! There is intelligent human life out there-
seek it out!
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
Editor & Publisher: David Mooey
COWTRIBUTORS: Alko, BJ Best, Buzzsaw, Trish
Davis, Mad Dog, Sharon Hoger, Dave Kocher, Kevin
Lawrence, Diane Mason, Penny Raile, Dan
Rosandich, Scott Saavedra, Tudor, David Winston,
Mark Wutka.
All unsigned articles by the Editor.
Cowwaspondence, artwork and written
submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
` `1 ``+e
We Place Bets On The World Serious
Ms. Pasture Perfect
NAME: Pamela Suet Glanderson
BIRTHPLACE: Silicone Valley, California
OCCUPATION: Slut (Runs up and down the beach in a tight swimsuit!)
RELIGION: Church of Euthanasia (http://www.paranoia.com/coe/)
UDDER SIZE: With Implants 94", Without Implants 47"
LAST SLEPT WITH: Tom Yanks, Sonny Boner, Roy Rogers, James Earl Hay
LIKES: Getting Pregnant, Lactating, Tattoos, Funhouse Mirrors
DISLIKES: Acting Lessons, Old Publicity Photos, Plastic People, Reality
FAVE FOODS: Rocky Mountain Oysters (aka bull testicles), Estrogen, Seizure Salads
FAVE NEWSGROUPS: alt.udder enhancement, alt.plastic surgery, alt.bimbos.rockstars
FAVE JOKE: What did the female vet give her hubby when she got home from work?
(A little pussy!)
FANTASY: To get milked by Edward Scissorhands!
NIGHTMARE: Standing next to a radiator or falling asleep in the sauna.
QUOTE: "Keep it stupid, simple."
New Salem, North Dakota-Situated on School Hill between the City of New Salem and I-94
Highway, the cow (38 feet high and 50 feet long) is visible for five miles. It was built for the New
Salem Lions Club by Sculpture Manufacturing Company of LaCrosse, Wisconsin, and transported to
New Salem in three parts and erected under the direction of Dave Oswald, artist, on New Salem Park
District lands. The total cost of the project was approximately $40,000, contributed by dairymen,
farmers, businessmen, dairy industry and residents of the state. Its primary purpose is to honor and
advertise the dairymen of the area, their superior herds and production of high quality milk.
Efforts by Daily Cow Editor and Publisher David Mooey to purchase Salem Sue for the
rooftop of the apartment building in Passaic, New Jersey where he resides met with much resistance
from local residents in both areas. In North Dakota they laughed when he produced a cashiers check
from Ed McMahon for $100,000 and told him to buy a silencer and shot the local mime. In Passaic,
the City Cowncil quickly passed a law forbidding cows (dead or alive) to graze on the rooftop of a
structure where people live or work. Mooey, with his tail between his legs, retreated to a local mall
and satisfied his cow obsession by buying up a cowlection of Mary Moo Moo figurines and assorted
cow magnets.
A special thank you to Sharon Hoger of Austin, Texas for the use of her photo. As my
girlfriend Tean would say, this picture is a postcard. I say this cow is one big-assed cow! Can you
imagine a world where all the cows were this size? I can see it now, dinosaur-sized cows eating up the
State of New Jersey in one day. Perhaps a moovie can be made of a horribull genetic experiment gone
haywire and all the cows in the world mutate to this size. I dont think Id be obsessed with cows if
that happened. Id be swimming in a river of manure and milk holding on for dear life cursing these
beastly bovines.
I want to write to my congresswoman to ask her to propose a National Cow Day. I realize that every
day in the calendar has already been reserved for other honors, some even have had to double-up, but surely the
celebration of such a wondrous beast as the Cow deserves precedence over something like National Belly-
Button Lint Day. The humble Cow, a very unassuming animal, who instead of choosing an annoying sound to
make, such as the Cock-a-doodle-doo of the common rooster or the Get outta da way, you moron of the
Newyoahka, has chosen a soft, simple Moo. In the far east, in ancient times, the Cows moo was taken as the
preferred mantra for meditating. Over the years, however, as people recited the mantra over and over, it ran
together, so the younger students, instead of saying Moo Moo Moo were saying oom oom oom.
By now, you must be saying to yourself that I am either drunk or stupid. Let me tell you once and for all
that I dont drink. Now, shall we discuss the significant impact the Cow has had on our eating habits? Where
would we be without Cow shaped salt and pepper shakers, or the myriad of Cow-decorated oven mitts, napkins,
paper towels, and cookie jars. I understand that parts of the Cow can even be eaten!
Look at the significant impact the Cow has had on the fashion industry. Leather mini-skirts, leather
boots, leather mini-skirts, leather jackets, leather mini-skirts, leather gloves, leather mini-skirts, leather
underwear...the list goes on and on, although you can bet it ends with leather mini-skirts.
The simple Cow has even infiltrated our every day language. How many times have you heard the
phrase What a cow! or Get a load of the heifer! or My, what a nice pair of earrings. The hoofs are such a
nice touch, although they would look better if you had removed the rest of the Cow first. The Cow has been
used as an expression of pure joy (or surprise). Ever seen a Chicago Cubs player hit a homer?
The entertainment contributions of the Cow are immeasurable. Even forgetting the above-mentioned
leather mini-skirts, the Cow provides huge amounts of entertainment. Two of the most popular sports in America
are Cow Chip Tossing and Cow Tipping. The Cows *love* to participate in the sport of tipping. They know, of
course, what is going on and enjoy every minute of it. After all, what creature would be so absolutely stupid as
to not notice a group of drunk fraternity brothers trying to push it over. Yeah, OK, but besides Dan Quayle.
The Cows are great prognosticators, too. Ask any Chicago resident and theyll tell you, Mrs. OLearys
Cow was right. All these things aside, the thing that most makes me wish to honor the humble Cow is its genius.
Forget the Dolphin, forget Man, forget any other creature you think is intelligent. Yeah, you can forget Dan
Quayle, too. The Cow stands alone at the top. Cows run the world. They really do. First of all, they control the
worlds finances with their bull markets. They control the worlds airways with their cattle-cars, and finally, they
control all of the worlds governments with their incessant amounts of administrative bullshit.
By Mark Wutka
By Mad Dog, Mad Dog Productions, P.O. Box 2263, Pasadena, CA 91102
Send $1 for a copy of the ever-changing BOVINE GAZETTE
Farmer Bill sat back in his office chair. It
squeaked a bit, and like everything else on this
farm, demanded attention. Drawing on his
cigarette deeply, he shoved aside the bills on
his desk, some of which were stamped Final
Notice and Past Due. How did farming get
so expensive so quickly he thought, idly. But
his mind wasnt really on the farm finances.
That was his brothers problem. His brother the
accountant. Hed dream up some weird
scheme, and hed be out of debt before he knew
it. He had faith in his brother. It was nice to
have faith in someone, anyone, since his wife
had passed away the past fall. Since then, hed
lost faith in a God that could take from him all
that he loved.
He knew he was going though the motions,
that the neighbors had started to talk about him.
They looked away too quickly when he entered
the small country church where he still went,
more out of habit than any real belief in a
hereafter. His wife would have wanted him to
attend services, so he did.
He snapped out the desk light with a flick,
leaving him in darkness, except for the glowing
ember of his cigarette, which flared briefly as
he filled his lungs with the narcotizing smoke.
Another habit. He turned to the window, which
looked out onto his front yard, and thought he
saw something out in his corn field. Looked
like a cow. In the darkness, the moon shone
upon the cows broad flanks. Tears came to
Bills eyes. The soft almost fluorescent light
from the moon blanketed the valley, and the
cow in the corn field was like a beauty spot on
the face of his farm.
Almost reluctantly, he rose, and pulled on
his jacket, knowing that if he didnt get the cow
out of the field, hed have many many trampled
stalks in the morning.
The crisp breeze caressed his cheek, waved
his hair a bit as he stepped outside. The cow
was still there, staring at him, shuffling a little
bit, almost like he was waiting for him. Bill
climbed over the wire fence, wobbling at the
top as he felt a strand of wire give way.
Ill have to look at that fence in the
morning. Damn farm. Falling apart, he
thought. Then he was ashamed of himself for
feeling this way about a farm that had been in
the family for 150 years.
One hundred fifty years of people just like
myself gettin up and makin bacon and eggs.
One hundred fifty years of people mendin
fences and cuttin field corn for the cows, and
goin to the Kitchener Farmers Market at
three in the morning on Saturdays. Time
weighed heavily on bill as he approached the
cow, preparing to take her back to the pasture,
and find the break in the fence.
As he approached, Bill realized slowly that
this was no ordinary cow. Maybe a different
breed. But somehow, this cow looked more
intense than a normal cow. A little thinner.
Hmmm, maybe one a them Kobey cows
down at the Japanese farm down the road. He
and Earl and Bailey, his friends, had bust a gut
laughing when told of the Japanese
gentlemans ministrations to his cows, the
massages, the music, the macrobiotic diet. But
the Japanese gentleman was driving around in
an Acoora these days, and Earl and Bailey and
Bill were still driving the same old battered
Ford pickups. Who was laughing now, and how
come Mr. Acoora lost one of his cows?
OK, now, he said, in that no-nonsense
voice he used on all his cows. Here we go,
Lets go.
He reached out for the collar, which he
noticed was very worn and cracked leather.
Gosh, it looks old! he said in his mind. The
cow swiveled, and faced him, and faster than
Bills mind could register, Bill was on the
ground, looking up at the moon and the stars.
Whafug? he said, and then he felt it, the
hoof on his chest, the nuzzling at his throat. He
giggled stupidly, disbelievingly. First time I
ever necked with a cow. He was at the same
time extremely nervous, knowing that 14000
pounds of cow was overtop of the hoof. He
grasped the foot, intending to bend it back at
the joint, and roll under the cow, when he felt
the sharp prickly sensation at this neck.
Huh? His thoughts swam up to h is
brain, slowly, like they were underwater. And
then he felt the pull, the suction, the sucking of
the cows powerful jaws on his neck. He began
to feel weaker and weaker. An almost blissful
unawareness began to overcome him. His
thoughts, unaccountably, returned to his wife,
and how much he loved her. And to how empty
life had been without her.
Evelyn...life...blood so much blood how
who is this why now evie? Why now? Evelyn
where are your...Evelyn...
The farmers body was still. The cow,
sated, bloody-mouthed lifted its head up, a
rusty cow bell around its neck giving a slight
and plaintive dingle. Almost lovingly, the cow
pushed Bills arms up and crossed them on his
chest, and tongued a stray lick of hair out of his
The cow had felt Bills pain, had been
arrested by it, while standing out in the field.
The man from the Ministry wore a
moss green suit that offended Bessies eye.
Your taste, She said evenly, is bad.
The man looked down at himself-at his
crossed legs, his wrinkled trousers-and he was
ashamed. Something about the Bessies
elegance, her sheer animal poise, made him
weak through the knees. He fumbled in his
shirt pocket for a cigarette.
She lowered her face to the worn blue
salt lick, bolted to the wall of her extravagantly
appointed stall. As he watched in disbelief, her
prehensile tongue extended from above the
single row of razor-sharp teeth.
But... He could say nothing else. His
heart was in his throat.
Her voice purred as only a cows can.
Dont be shocked, she said. We of the dark
have many urges to satisfy. Some, such as our
craving for salt, never leave us.
I see. His own lips were dry, and his
hands shook as he moved to light a cigarette.
She was on him in an instant. He lay
flat on the floor, one arm in the muck trough,
his head jammed against a bag of Purina Cow
Chow. The solid, waist-high door of Bessies
stall door stood behind her. Yet she had scaled
What- He gasped as her soft lips
moved briefly over his throat. What did I
No smoking, she whispered. He
thought he felt her teeth, but decided he must
be wrong. Besides, the sheer force of her
presence, and of her cloven hoof upon his
diaphragm, were cutting the life from him. He
must be hallucinating. There are no such things
as vampires.
Oh, yes there are, said Bessie, and
his blood ran cold.
Please, he said. His cigarette lay
ruined in the muck trough. Let me go. Have
She laughed, deep in her stomachs.
Why should I?
He drew on every ounce of his waning
courage. Because I can make things better for
you. I can have you moved from here. Surely
youre not happy, with such a limited herd?
Limited! Her brown eyes flashed,
and he smelled the charnel cud of her breath.
The other cows stirred in their stalls, filling the
barn with soft lowing.
Calm yourself! he cried. In the
name of all thats bovine, let me go!
What can you do for me, she said
slyly. Tell me. And it better be worth my
How well I remember, in those early years,
after I was called to the vampire way, given the
Dark Gift, after dark, bounding through the
closed pastures, exploring my new found
powers. I was lonely, though. How many nights
did I spend, speaking to mortal cows, trying to
awaken in them the desire I felt coursing
through my lifeless veins. These conversations
were very tiring and generally disappointing.
Bessie: Arise, young mortal cows,
Break your chains, throw off this yoke of your
human masters, Come, run with me in
pastures without fences, feed on the wolves,
who would make you their meal.
Cow: Moo.
Bessie: Just think of the possibilities,
my young, fragile friends. No more of this
waiting for handouts from humans. No more
living in fear, having fumbling cold hands
clenching at your udders. Come with me!
Cow: Moo.
Soon, I gave up trying to convert the mortal
cows by persuasion. I had no choice but to
employ my dark gift towards the benefit of all
bovinekind. As much as I loathed to proceed
along this narrow, unholy path, I could
recognize that my quadruped kin needed me as
much as I needed them.
One night, as the moon glowed over the silo, I
felt my need swelling in my fourth stomach,
like a festering cud long-neglected by my
laterally-grinding jaws. I rose to my feet, weak
with hunger, and proceeded into the herd-the
very herd that had once welcomed me as a
gamboling calf. Now, a full-grown heifer, firm
of udder and with a pair of well-turned horns, I
mooved among them as they slept, silent, sleek,
I found her beneath a cork tree, her delicate
legs folded beneath her, her large eyes closed,
and her lashes spreading over her cheeks. What
a beauty. I had never looked at other heifers
this way; not before the transformation. Now, I
found both bull and cow appealing. They were
fodder for my lust.
Still, I was flooded with guilt for what I was
about to do. As I approached, I was nearly
overcome with the urge to turn away, and
suffer my thirst as a moral cow might do. But I
took one step too many, and as the scent of her
hide struck me, my resolve fled. I fell to my
knees beside her. Patsy? I whispered. She
stirred. Her lashes fluttered, and she turned her
graceful head my way. Mooo? she said
softly. I pounced...
(Conclusion Next Issue)
Petunia the recalcitrant milk cow luxuriated in the delightful crunch of oats and in its ample continuing
amount. She had never given a single drop of milk into any of the waiting buckets of Farmer Beige but despite
this lack, Farmer Beige continued to give forth a bounty of sweet crunchy oats, Petunia enjoyed this state of
affairs and the slight pulsating of her udder meant that it remain this way, always and forever.
Suddenly Petunia was pulled away from the trough of sweet crunchy oats, and irked, she looked into the
accusing eyes of Farmer Beige.
Tarnation! All these oats I feed yall! Wasted! All that money! Well no more for you! Ever again!
Wont give me any milk? Fine!
Farmer Beige motioned downward. Petunia directed her eyes in that direction and saw a rifle. She
turned away and again pulsated her shriveled udder. Farmer Beige gave a grunt of contempt and with rifle in
hand walked off a distance, then turned and leveled the rifle at Petunia.
Petunia suddenly dropped to the ground as if already acceding to the might of onrushing lead and then
rolled onto her back.
Damnation! burst out Farmer Beige in contempt. First thing yall did right. Figures. He put his
finger to trigger. Bit late sugar...bit late. He then proceeded to pull.
But this terminal course halted. Petunias udder began to pulsate furiously, the force shuddering the
inert bovine. Then it stilled. Intrigued, Farmer Beige dropped his rifle and approached Petunia.
At this the udder contracted suddenly. Filled to bursting it shot out a stream of beer, gallons splashing
upon the ground. Shit howdy! burst out Farmer Beige, roaring with joy. Petunia honey. I love yall. He took
great gulps of the grainy beverage until the supply had apparently been exhausted. The udder was empty and
I aint finished! blast out Farmer Beige again livid over the sudden cessation. You alls worthless
as... he stopped and once more leveled his rifle at Petunia. Ill learn ya!
Once more Petunia acquired a great swell in her udder, pulsating then suddenly contracting. Now
champagne gushed forth from teats, a fountain gushing over pasture.
Shit howdy! Petunia honey. Im sorry. I really do love yall! Again he lowered his rifle and
approached the alcohol-dispensing animal. Farmer Beige maneuvered great gulps of the wine into his gaping
mouth, spread by greed. He reveled in the increase of alcoholic content. Jehosophat! It aint even New Years.
Petunia, honey. I dont know how yall do it, but I love ya for tit! The warm affection ended with the cessation
of the cows champagne fountain, as the udder was apparently spent.
Wh-why you! bellowed the instantly vengeful tiller of soil. I-I gon-gonna git yall! I gonna
shoo-sh-shoot yall! Farmer Beige threatened, although some slurring began to oppress his speech. He again
leveled his rifle, though with less of an aim at Petunia.
But, again she roiled her udder into an alcoholic abundance, as spurting jets of whiskey issued from the
Wo-hoooo, Nellie! With an expression of euphoria again set upon his reddening face, he again,
lowered his gun and staggered towards the eruption of intoxicant. Yeeee-ha! Farmer Beige bellowed, gulping
it down as best he could, but when his reduced abilities were not sufficient, he knelt down and sucked upon the
teats. E-effen better than S-S-Shack Danls...Ha-ho! I lovesh-lo-y-all!
But once more, Petunia stopped the bounty. Darn h-heifer! Ill l-learn ya! Once more he attempted
to raise his rifle. It spun as did Farmer Beiges head did with drink. He pulled the trigger.
Petunia looked upon Farmers Beiges inert form upon the grass where it had fallen. She stood upright
again. Milkless as usual. Petunia turned again to the trough, and began to again munch through a bounty of sweet
and crunch oats.
By Dave Kocher, 4506 Darcie Drive, Erie, PA 16506
From LED Balloons his great zine filled with pictorial puns on all subjects.
By Dan Rosandich, P.O. Box 410, Chassell, MI 49916
A cartoonist for hire, all subjects, submit query for samples and price.
Must be alot of cholesterol in grass, I notice
whenever any of us get fat, we disappear.
By Buzzsaw, 3641 Valley View, Norco, CA 91760
A cow has four stomachs, my two footed friend.
and you, sadly, have but your one.
Thus, ease of digestion is quadrupled, but then,
Stomach aches are four times not as fun.
Birdy birdy in the sky
You dropped some shit in my eye
Oh no I dont cry
I only thank god cows cant fly.
Once a young man from the city
While on a farm wished to milk a cows titty
Though he squeezed and he stroked
Barely a pint was provoked
Seems the cow was a bull, what a pity.
The wide expanse of fields-bovine Eden
Landscape off my moo, moo dreams call to me
Thoughts of childhood cows get my heart bleedin
I want to graze the sky so set me free.
The Cow God looms in prophetic vision
Mooing of life, of death, of fields to come
Moment of bovine, heavenly fission;
Moo, moo parts will not equal, moo, moo sum.
I am a child who years to graze with cows,
I am a man who seeks to herd with love
While Farmer Death prepares, readies his plows
To churn another plot, neath sun above.
We graze, he churns, but soon hell get to us
To squeeze our milk or squeeze our very life.
Remember the example of an old cow:
Shes content to sleep in a barn.
You have to eat, sleep and shit-
Thats unavoidable-anything
Beyond that is none of your business.
Do what you have to do
And keep yourself to yourself.
Patrul Rinpoche
beneath the El on Seminary
corralled by cowardly graffiti
are these stenciled cows, see
and they have a certain symmetry
that keeps you alive
when the rush hour is past
from the burnt out flats on Kenmore
to Sheridans final dives
the express train stutters by
pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty
and the winos sing
in their sleep moo moo
Wayne Allen Sallee
Title: moo.moo.brown cow
From: bfuchs@ix.netcom.com
Is it true that brown cows give chocolate milk or is it
just a fable my dad told me when I was 30 years old?
And if it is true what color milk does a black and
white cow give or a red cow?
Title: Famous Cows
From: Dan Kitti@gnn.com
I would like to say a few words about legendary
actress Ann Bovine Davis, TVs Alice from the
Brady Bunch. Its ironic that her TV boyfriend Sam
was a butcher, and so he did spend a lot of time with
cows. Well, OK, parts of cows. And they were dead.
But that is just a metaphor for cows dying and going
to cow heaven. Its really a Bovine spiritual sub-
theme in the show.
Title: Cows F***ing suck!
From: rglixen@aol.com
I think you people are all turds. Do you get off on
cows or what? I think that cows suck. Do not waste
your time flaming me, because you all know that
cows are stupid as well. I think we should kill them
all and eat their hearts.
(Ed. Note: AOL stands for asshole on line 10 free
Title: Real Men
From: werewolf@connexus.apana.org.au
I saw something funny on TV which I suppose is
pretty normal to those who know their cows..and in
this case bulls. The host of this program asked a
judge what makes a good bull and the judge
showed him...then without warning this guy whipped
out a tape measure and measured the girth of the
bulls balls. I write down funny stuff like this so I
remember it was 42 cm. around! Also, on some other
program I heard that a single bull can expel a
staggering one litre of sperm each time he climaxes!
But what I want to know is have bulls testicles
gotten larger than nature intended due to the
equation Larger Bulls=More Sperm=More Baby
Cows? Or have they always been that way? Info and
gifs welcome.
Title: Semen Party
From: jstanley@moose.uvm.edu
Let me tell you about something silly. CREAM
(cooperative for real education in agricultural
management) at the University of Vermont had a
semen party to pick bulls for our herd of girls. Is that
silly or what? A semen party. Guess what the
refreshments were?
(Editors Note: Eggnog, cream soda, Harvey
Title: Manure Elevator
From: 102625.2060@compuserve.com
I am looking to acquire a manure elevator for a large
dairy farm. Does anyone know where I can buy one?
Title: Cow Tipping/Riding
From: janderson@ix.netcom.com
I once tried to ride a cow on my uncles farm. They
are VERY bony and uncomfortable! Also, there is
no place to hang on to when the cows tries to throw
you off. Needless to say, I ended up black and blue
all over. Cant say as I blame her for getting upset. I
wouldnt want someone riding me either!
Title: Scary True Cow Experience
From: 100525.1737@compuserve.com
When I was about nine, me and my mother and a
friend of mine were taking a walk in the countryside,
when suddenly, we were surrounded by a herd of
cows who appeared seemingly from nowhere. They
backed us against a tree, and then stood still. Five
minutes passed. Ten minutes passed. Fifteen minutes
passed. One of the cows crapped down the side of
the cow standing next to it. Now and then we tried to
get out of the cow corral, but every time they shifted
so we could not escape. It would be fair to say that
by this time we were a tad concerned for our safety.
Eventually we managed to escape. I know not how,
perhaps we were abducted and had strange cow
experiments performed on us. Who knows the truth?
All I know is neither me or my mother can drink
milk anymore. What does it all mean?
Title: Dairy Cows
From: emchan@admin-rec.tamu.edu
Hold on. My son milks cows at a dairy. I want to be
a dairy cow in my next life. Cows work 30 minutes a
day while they are eating their favorite food. I work
8 or more hours a day, have to go home and cook my
food myself. A cow gets her calf for the first two
days. I have to raise my kids through the terrible
twos and the teenage years. A cow stands around all
day eating and goofing off with her friends. I work
with people I dont even like some days. A cow gets
free medical care, room and board, child care, and
entertainment (ever stand around and see how silly
farmers look on their tractors going round and round
in the pasture all day?) Dont complain about a
cows life. I dont have it as good as a cow!!
Title: Drinking With The Bulls
From: u3229829@au.ac.th
I was down at the pub the other day with some of the
bulls from the paddock...you know...drinking some
beers and humanshitting around, when the most
incredible bovine babe came ambling in. She had the
most unbelievably firm udder and the way she
moved...moooo...oh the buxom babe...I had to have
her. Then her big ol longhorn of a husband came in
chewing his cud and spitting obnoxiously. I looked
at my horn(s) and started to feel insecure. Well, so
be it, I went home and had a good wank.
(All posts are unedited. There is also another
newsgroup called alt.cows.are.nice with few posts
to date. More newsgroup posts in future issues.)
The World Wide Web (WWW) can best be describe, in my humble opinion, as an addictive form of eye
and mind candy. Thousands and thousands of pages of words, pictures, sounds, animation and everything you
ever wanted to know about anything but were too afraid to look for. Cows are everywhere on the web-just go to
any search engine and type in the word cows and see what pasture it leads you to.
I currently have two homepages on the web. The first one on Prodigy is basically a text advertisement
for the zine (you can also read four cover stories from past issues). In the near future the page will be improved
as Prodigy now has a Site Manager which lets us upload our own graphics and you can really go crazy creating
your own pages. The other page is maintained by Jason at the COWZ BBS and has better graphics but the text is
basically the same as the Prodigy page. The address (URL) for these two pages are: http://pages.prodigy.com/
NJ/vpvz40a2 and http://www.cow.net:80/dailycow .
Rather than giving you a stupid MENSA-like index of all the cow pages on the web (the fun is finding
them yourself and some URLs may be out of date by the time you read this), Ill give you a few of the steady and
a future page to start with. What are you waiting for? Turn on your moodems and graze the information super
pasture before corporate Amerika turns it into a vast wasteland like they have all other forms of media.
COWS CAUGHT IN THE WEB (http://www.brandonu.ca/~ennsnr/Cows/
The first cow web page. Maintained by a cow named Opt. The best place to start your graze. Includes pictures of
Opt and basic cow text files. Links galore are separated by commerical and individual cow pages.
BIG DAVES COW PAGE (http://umbc.edu/~dsccchmi1/cows/
The most complete cow page yet. Cow basics, cow facts, other cow-related pages, images, clip art, sounds,
ASCII art, humor, poetry, songs, news, software, cow-spotted goodies, dogcow info. Turn off the clock and
check it all out!
COWZ-The Cattle Crossing On The Information Superhighway (http://www.cow.net
Jasons web page advertising his COWZ BBS with superb cow links and if you live in the Bossytown (Boston
area) I would highly recowmend contacting him to be your Internet Service Provider (ISP).
CYBERPUNK REsearch LABS (http://info.nation.org/~crl)
Cattle.Ken is building a massive cow archive on the web. Ive been emailing him many Daily Cow files. No word
on when it will be up and running but check the above URL and it may be there by now.
TIMOTHY ALPERS COW PAGE (http://pages.prodigy.com/T/A/R/talper/cows.html)
Many excellent cow pictures and sounds. Check out Tim in his cow cowstume. This page illustrates very well
what can be done with the Daily Cow on the web if I ever have the time.
VIRTUAL COW TIPPING (http://nwlink.com/~timelvis/cowtip.html)
Myth becomes reality in cyberspace. Meet Cud-Elvis, Disgracelands Virtual Cow. Go ahead, tip the cow!
Cows provide 90% of the worlds milk.
A cows udder can hold 25-50 pounds of milk.
The average cow produces 90 glasses of milk each
day. A cow can give nearly 200,000 glasses of milk
in her lifetime.
A cow can live 20 years if you let it.
Modern milking machines can milk about 100 cows
an hour. If you milked cows by hand, you could milk
about 6 cows an hour. They dont take kindly to
human lips.
A Holsteins spots are like a fingerprint or
snowflake. No two cows have exactly the same
pattern of spots.
Some cattle do not grow horns and are called polled
cattle. If you honk a cows horn it goes moo.
Heifers are first mated when are 15 to 20 months
old. A mother cow is called a dam. The bulled is
called dad or goddamn!
Did you hear about the guy who died drinking milk?
(The cow fell on him!)
Did you hear about the cow who ate bluegrass?
(She mooed indigo!)
What did the cow say to the bull when he was
snuggling up to her in the barnyard?
(Wheres the beef!)
What do you call a cow who mows your lawn?
(A lawnmooer!)
City Boy: Is it easy to milk a cow?
(Country Boy: Sure any jerk could do it!)
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Vegetarians eat vegetables-
Beware of Humanitarians
Cows do it in leather!
Cow: A machine that makes grass palatable for
Does homo milk come from gay cows?
-Manure comes from the bull
Womanure comes from the cow-
A cow is a completely automated milk
manufacturing machine. Its encased in untanned
leather and mounted on four vertical moveable
supports, one to each corner. The front end contains:
the cutting and grinding mechanism, as well as, light
sensors, air inlet and exhaust, bumper and a fog
horn. The rear end contains: the dispensing
apparatus and automatic fly swatter. The central
section houses an hydro-chemical conversion plant.
This consists of four fermentation and storage tanks,
an integrated network, which is connected to the rear
dispensing unit. In brief the extremely visible
features are; 2 lookers, 2 hookers, 4 stander-uppers,
4 hanger-downers and a swissy-wissy.
Many dairies routinely put magnets into their cows
stomach because bits of wire and nails can end up in
the recticulum while grazing. Over time the metal
can penetrate the wall of that compartment and come
into contact with the heart. By placing a magnet in
the stomach it attracts the metal before being
digested. The magnet itself is often about 2 1/2
inches long and 1/2 inch in diameter. (I always
wondered how they stuck to my refrigerator so
What do you think happens to a dairy cow if it
doesnt get milked? Would the udder burst? Would
milk start dripping at will from the teats like a leaky
faucet? Would the cow die? Would you have to
wash down that delicious chocolate cake with soda?
On the contrary, missing one milking generally
makes a cow feel very, very uncomfortable
(probably how we feel when we have to pee real
bad). However, upon missing several milkings, the
cows body stops producing milk and milk already
produced is eventually reabsorbed in the udder. At
the end of a cows lactation cycle milking is stopped
to dry them off and give their bodies a chance to rest
before freshening, that is, having another calf to start
the lactation cycle all over again. (A lactation cycle
is what a kid rides when he sells ice cream in the
Basic Cow $459.95
Shipping & Handling $ 33.75
Extra Stomach $ 79.95
Two Tone Exterior $142.10
Produce Storage Compartment $126.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper $189.60
4 Spigot/High Output Drain System$149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter $ 88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery $179.50
Deluxe Dual Horns $ 59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment $339.50
4 x 4 Traction Drive Assembly $884.16
Pre-delivery Wash and Comb $ 69.80
Additional Farmers Adjustments $ 300.00
Monthly Support Charges:
Bovine Digestive By-product
Removal $ 200.00
Interconnect to Dairy Networks $ 25.00
Strange indeed that after twenty years training in
colleges and universities man should reach such a
station wherein he will deny the existence of the
ideal or that which is not perceptible to the senses.
Have you ever stopped to think that the animal
already has graduated from such a university? Have
you ever realized that the cow is already a professor
emeritus of that university? For the cow without
hard labor and study is already a philosopher of the
superlative degree in the school of nature. The cow
denies everything that is not tangible, saying, I can
see! I can eat! Therefore, I believe only in that which
is tangible! They why should we got to the
colleges? Let us go to the cow.
(Abdul-Baha circa 1912)
I find cows to be pretty humorous, says Kozar
who lives inches from a dairy farm in Wisconsin.
They look like they dont care a whole lot about
whats going on around them. Theyre a little messy
to look at, with flies all over and goop coming out of
their mouths, but I like that about them and I tend to
paint them that way. Kozars colleagues, all of
whom admit to roaming the countryside with
cameras at the ready, share the same tendency. The
big heads, bony backs and gravelly tongues are
magnets that pull them out of their cars, into fenced-
in fields and face-to-face with the most genial
subjects they could ask for. Their personalities are
as big as they are, Marris says. Theyre like giant
aspirins-they just make you feel so good...You cant
sit and watch cows and not get in a good mood.
John Lennons cows were huge dappled creatures,
man high at the rumps, with udders the size of
kettledrums. I wondered if they had any inkling that
their owner had done amazing things a long, long
time ago.
Now why does moisture ruin leather? Arent cows
outside alot of the time? When its raining, do cows
go up to the farmhouse and say, Let us in! Were
all wearing leather.
Jerry Seinfeld
I never said all actors are cattle, what I said was all
actors should be treated like cattle.
Alfred Hitchcock
Everyone has a right to a university degree in
America, even if its in Hamburger Technology.
Clive James
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
(but how would they handle the spatula/)
Adapted from Mark Twain
Facts are like cows, if you stare at them
long enough they usually go away.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success
if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
Do you have cows in your house?
Bangladesh woman to Hillary Clinton
Every animal knows more than you do.
Native American Proverb
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
John Doe #2
This issue we grieve the passing of Eva Gabor, also
known as Lisa Douglas, the star of our favorite TV
show of all time Green Acres. Lisa bonded with farm
animals better than any actress ever has. She treated
them like the living things they are and always
portrayed a sweet innocence that numerous face
tucks could not hide. Whenever Eleanor the Cow
was ill she brought her into the bedroom (not that
cold, drafty barn Oliver!) and put a blanket on her.
Heres to you Eva/Lisa. Thank Moo for all the
laughs while appearing in Green Acres. Well never
forget you. Cows everywhere love you forever!
My girlfriend is obsessed with cows. She talks about
them incessantly, adores them from the highway,
climbs atop them when provided with an
opportunity; finds extreme gratification in
occasionally milking them; has ruined several pairs
of shoes while gleefully trodding across pastures;
decorates her walls with crude, bizzare charcoal
drawings of cattle herds; and considers ruminants
morally superior to humans, and declares her
intentions to eventually own several of the animals.
This behavior, while somewhat deviant, is
problematic only in that I dont share her enthusiasm
for bovines. As such, I expect your publication could
entertain her while I recuperate from the devastating
effects of lactose intolerance. Would you please
send her your next issue? Thanks for your help.
Travis Weatherford
Columbia, South Carolina
(She sounds perfectly normal to me. What seems to
be the problem? Dr. Denton says cowples who have
different interests can still be together. He also
mentions that your local drug store has some pills
for you to take for your lactose intolerance.)
Thanks for playing Virtual CowChips with
MooReese the MooTown Snackers cow. Enclosed
is the Cow Chip you won plus a moo-chandise order
form and MooTown Snackers-Rollerblade
sweepstakes information. Were also enclosing a
coupon for a complimentary package of Sargento
Foods products for your moms or dads next
shopping trip. Youll find more CowChips to collect
and redeem for moo-chandise on Sargento
MooTown Snackers packages. If youd like to talk
to us again, our web site address is mootown.com.
Patricia A. Lombardo, Consumer Affairs Mgr.
Sargento Foods, Inc.
Plymouth, Wisconsin
(At 3 a.m. in the morning grazing the World Wide
Web can become dangerous. I didnt even rember
hitting this site until the above letter showed up via
snail mail. Should I write back and tell them that
mommy and daddy wont be going to the store
anymore as they are both six feet under? Should I
sue them for using the word Mootown which I
used way back in Issue #1 of Daily Cow in 1988?
What the hell, the world will be a safer place only
when adults become children again and stop
putting a monetary value and trademark,
copyright, etc. on everything in sight and mind.
Love the CowChip.)
Cows in Iowa are mistreated by spiteful town kids
that wreak havoc in sleeping herds of cows. Cow
tipping is a sport out here. No...it is a way of life that
has the Holsteins terrorized to close their eyes at
night. So I came up with the Anti-Cow Tipping
League to protect cows from such marauding
attacks. Ill stand in the middle of fields with a
bullhorn, shouting at the lurking would-be
tippers...Warning! This field has been covered with
invisible cow pies! Step carefully! Needless to
say...the cows are my friends around Iowa.
Des Moines, Iowa
(I herd that Cowgress is contemplating the death
penalty for cow tippers. The bill known as Let
Sleeping Cows Lay Law stands a good chance of
passing and would condemn many drunken and
brilliant college students to a quick execution for
engaging in this callous and dangerous act.)
How do cows kiss?
(They smooch!)
Whaddya get when you cross a cow with a drag
queen? (A dairy queen!)
Happy Moo Year to everyone and may every day be
a happy graze in the pasture of life.
Thank you so much for the free issue of Daily Cow.
I loved it. It is a great magazine.
MOO (Melissa Hannebrink)
MOO is my nickname
(What wonderful surprises do you get when you
open your email? The above two messages.)
You continue to go much too far with your DAILY
COW. Please see my opening paragraph (reprinted
below) in View From The Ledge and see where you
fit in. I honestly think youve crossed the line.
Chuck Shepherd
St. Petersburg, Florida
View From The Ledge #33/State of The Weird
KAUFMANISM-As this issue goes to press, NBC is
celebrating a VFTL giant, the late Andy Kaufman.
Your editor has always reserved his highest respect
for those who not only conceive of a wildly
unjustifiable activity but then (anti-climactically)
carry it out, against all conventions of common
sense. Thus, a good idea is slowly, methodically
transformed into a boring idea, even an extremely
irritating one. Reaction to this process separates the
pretender assholes from the real assholes. In fact, the
real assholes may need this process to sustain them
in the face of default normality.
(Some people sure have a hard time handing out
cowpliments and others dont know real manure
from the kind manufactured in Washington, DC.
Chuck knows how to do both and thats why he
publishes the sensational News of the Weird every
six weeks. You can get a sub for $15 a year that
also includes View From The Ledge which is
published quarterly. For the strangest in real
news I urge you to subscribe by writing Chuck at
P.O. Box 8306, St. Petersburg, FL 33738. Tell him
the real asshole from DAILY COW sent you.)
You are our hero. We love you and we love all the
cows in the world so please help us save some
turkeys too. Today is Thanksgiving in Canada and
we need to recognize all of the poor animals who die
so people can eat. Cows are our passion too...
Marwan and Sarah
(I firmly believe that somewhere in the vast
cowsmos there is a planet where people are
consumed just like humans on earth devour cows,
turkeys, pigs, etc. Its a life eating life into death
universe. On earth humans hold all the cards but
on some other planet we are just another recipe in
the index card file of gourmet foods.)
It is my wife not I who is Cow Crazy! I am sitting in
my den looking at personalized note paper with our
address (cow spots and the legend outstanding in
her field) - get the picture? This is a woman (34
years old no less) who rolls down her window in the
car and Moos. I guess you are familiar with that
Kevin OBrien
Folcroft, PA
(The phenomenon is called alcowholism, Kevin.
Spouses such as yourself who request issues of
Daily Cow for the addicted are only enabling them
to get another cow fix. However, our prices are
cheap and you can get all 12 issues for just $12.
We push this zine as a healthy alternative to
reality. And Kevin, you are not alone, I receive
letters every week from folks just like you who
cant udderstand their loved ones alcowholism.)
I knew from that first day in my kindergarten class
when you wet your pants that you were one who
needed attention. After reading a copy of your
DAILY COW I have come to the conclusion that the
public education system has failed an udder. In
school you were such a cute, shy and polite little boy
who always enjoyed his milk and graham crackers.
What happened?
Miss Fieldhouse
Oakland, New Jersey
(Hay Teach! Cows it going? What happened to
me? Well, at the age of 33 I was abducted by alien
cows and reprogrammed to spread the Word of
Cow to humans on this soon to be extinct planet.
I also wet my pants when they took me onto their
spaceship. Other than that, Im still the same.
Bottoms up!)
"It Takes A Village of Cattle To Make You Rich" is
the new book by Hilly Rodharm Cliton. If you are a
cow with no future you must get this book and learn
how to get wealthy off the misfortune of your soon to
be slaughtered brothers and sisters. Hilly made an
initial investment of $1,000 and parlayed that into
$100,000 in only a few years and you can to! Her
immoral method is called "Cowpattylism" and it's
perfectly legal in all 50 steaks.
In the cutthroat world of business she will show you
how to make a killing without bloodying your hooves.
She will steer you to inside traders at the Tyson
Syndicate who know how to knockout and rape the
Cowmodity Markets and have it all sanctioned by the
bulls on Wall Street. She will also show you how to
cover up your greed and insensitivity to other
members of the herd by using the universal excuse
of the 90's, "I'm only concerned about the calves."
From this book you can make a mountain of moolah
from only a hillock. Hilly, a lawyer/liar by profession,
is now a best selling author, health care expert,
moother and a soon to be famous recording artist.
Watch for her new CuD entitled "Suicidal Songs of
Vince and Stephen Foster" on WebHubull Records.
Motto: "Our Future Depends On Dead Cattle"
Stop giving all your hard-earned liquid and solid
assets to Farmer Bob. Plop your asset in our bank
and open up a free checking account or a cowlege
fund for your calves. The Bank of Bovine caters only
to cows! Our inhumane staff is outfitted in Holstein
tuxedos and understands you and what it's like to be
jerked around every day by rude animals who have
forgotten all about the Golden Rule.
With the Bank of Bovine you will truly be a cash cow.
For each gallon of milk and pound of manure you
give us we will convert it to match the latest world
commodity price. Our ATM's (Automatic Transfer of
Milk or Manure) machines are located all over town
to serve you any time of the day or night. So get in
line and we'll herd you like the cattle you are and
take care of all your banking needs in at least four
hours. All withdrawals subject to FBI check, CIA
clearance and MOB okay. Member of FDIC (Friesian
Deposit Insurance Company). Give us your
business and receive a free toaster!
16 Vache Lane, Passaic, NJ 07055
Motto: "Our Vaults Outweigh Our Virtues"
Do you stink to high heaven? Do skunks turn their
noses up at you? Face it Bossy you are a fetid,
foul-smelling, malodorous walking sewer and
besides that you stink! You spend all day walking in
and out of your own and others slop. That daily wade
in the River Boggs don't help much because five
minutes later you got shit all over you again.
Yours is a dirty and smelly world. Is it any wonder
people can't stand you except dead center between
a bun! But now there is a solution to this irksome
problem and it's our new perfume CutHay #13. It
leaves you smelling like freshly cut grass instead of
like your big fat ass. Comes in an attractive 50
gallon drum at a price that can't be beat. After a few
sprays on your hide you'll be smelling sweeter and
sweeter and humans will kiss you all over instead of
putting forks into you. Our studies have shown that
cows who smell good can escape slaughter from
carnivorous humans. CutHay #13 is made from all
natural ingredients (hay, hemp, harlot's sweat and
ham hocks). At fine cowsmetic stores everywhere.
Please bathe before dropping in to see us.
Motto: "The Olfactory of Cowmon Scents"
In the cyberspaced, hectic, chew-a-second 90's it's
not unusual for a cow to go off her rocker every now
and then. When this happens bring yourself or your
loved ones to our bughouse at Prozac Farms and
we'll try to put the cheese back on that cracker. Our
insane asylum for cows reclaims lost marbles,
cements the demented, balances the unbalanced
and untouches the touched. Our certified staff of
psycowtherapists will give the moonstruck and
mindless bovine the help it needs to make the gray
matter black and white again. We offer rolling hills
with 40 foot fences, a cybershock shack for the
terminally wired and padded barns for the heat
Each impatient patient is placed on a steady diet of
the new wonder drug Prozac and given doses the
size of softballs three times a day. With this cure
most can be back home in less than a month! For
those cows whose modem no longer has a carrier
we provide a lifetime home where they can edit their
zines, spit their cud at the world and live in absolute
harmony with their madness. We have helped
countless mad cows become sane and we and we
can help you.
Motto: "A Home For The Deranged"
I am enclosing these recent head shots.
I was born and raised in NW Kansas,
but this past summer I mooved to Los
Angeles on a detective assignment (still
unsolved-another story). However, the
bright lights of the city lured me into a
hopeful career of acting. I am going to
have some more shots taken without the
sunglasses and will forward them on to
you also.
Le Cow
Photos by Penny Raile of Walk The Line Design, 911 N. Kings Road, Suite 113, W. Hollywood, CA 90069
(continued from page 1)
Daily Cow has also learned that a cure for Mad Cow Disease has been found
but the information is being suppressed by a militant band of human vegans in
San Franciscow who are working in concert with the UN for the elimination of
cows. The vegans, who we thought were our friends, have also developed
plans for the extinction of all farm animals in the years ahead. Barnyard
rumors also abound that the cure for BSE is a chemical mixture of crushed
moon rock, lemoonade and cat bile. A herd of mad cows was put to death last
week in England after stampeding an exhibit of moon rocks lending some
credence to the rumor.
So here we are cow fans once again on the brink of disaster. Time to stop the
cowlypso dancing, take off our friar tuxedos and prepare to defend thy holy
self!. The cow poet Abby Hoffman La-Roach gives an apt ending to our story,
"Lie heavy on her, Earth, For she, Laid many a heavy load on thee."
Farm Pulp Magazine is
available for $3 an issue or
subs of $10 for 4 issues.
Checks have to be made out
to Gregory Hischak. Cash
rules. Payment in postage
stamps is also cool as long as
they are not adhered to
anything yet.
217 NW 70th Street
Seattle, WA 98117-4845
My favorite zine to digest.
It is better than a cows breast.
It goes down easy and in the
end comes out clean.
It also gives my coat a
nice shiny gleam.
My eyes delight at
the graphic wonders.
The writing is powered by
lightening & thunder.
(David Mooey/DC Editor)
Editor & Publisher: David R. Wyder
Ad Copywriter: David Mooey
Daily Cow is published whenever time permits. This issue is FREE! It contains nothing but
advertisements for the zine and is basically a condemnation of cowmercialism. Back issues
#1-#10 are always available for $2 each and are nothing like this issue.
Daily Cow believes that your diet, wardrobe and product purchases are your own fault.
We love moo all regardless of your consumption habits. The cow is sacred in any form that
it takes and along those lines so is your local currency.
Direct all mail and lawsuits to the following address:
David R. Wyder
87 Richard Street, #7
Passaic, NJ 07055
email: DailyCow@aol.com
Web Page: members.aol.com/dczines/index2.htm
Blind Cow Publishing 1995
If you were a cow when you came down to earth, wouldnt you be very curious of what was
happening around you? Many people think cows are intelligent creatures. They may have four
stomachs, but that does not raise their intelligence. Their brain probably falls into one of their
stomachs when theyre born. That explains why they eat grass!! So, other than being stupid,
they eat unthinkable things! Cows may be the plot of many jokes, but they do have feelings.
Maybe in your third life after this certain one happening right now, you will find yourself a cow.
They are stupid, twisted, and sick, but they care what going on in the world today. You will see.
But they do have their mean spots; many people do not know of these many things of the cow.
The only reason Ghandi worshipped cows was because they took his lunch money every day
when he went to the fields as a child. Cows, dont trust them. Cows, theyre natures way of
saying, Neh neh neh neh neh!!! Cows, the meaning of life's little fun. Finally....Cows,
hamburgers. (Guest Cowmentary by Clay Boeschen 1995)
In the ad biz, sincerity is a commodity bought and paid for like everything else.
(Newsweek, June 19, 1967)
It (advertising) is the greatest art form of the 20th century.
(Marshall McLuhan)
Advertising is the lubricant for the free-enterprise system.
(Leo-Arthur Kelmenson)
I knew how to milk a cow long before I became a preacher. Cows
are mentioned in the Bible. Remember the golden calf Mooses
admonished his followers to stop worshipping? I could rap on
forever about cows but my steak on the holy grill is about to burn
to hell. Join another worthy moovement and be sure to read
DAILY COW and get converted to the Word of Moo as told by
their noted columnist Guru Moo.
What a zine!
With udders like mine I have to worry about mastitis. From
reading DAILY COW I learned that mastitis is an inflammation
of the breast when they contain painful nodules or cysts of a
rubbery consistency. I now have regular checkups with Dr.
Denton who has a column in each issue and he says my hooters
feel fine to him. Read DAILY COW and stay healthy.
What a zine!
Hi kids! Its me the Great Bambino, speaking to you from the
Field of Dreams. Did you know the game of baseball was invented
in a cow pasture? Thats why all of us hall of farmers read
DAILY COW, especially after a tough day smacking the cowhide
over the fence. In this zine nothing is real or imagined just like
my existence now. So dont strike out, pick up the latest issue of
DAILY COW and hit a round tripper for me.
What a zine!
If I were a dairy cow instead of a news anchor I wouldnt be
worth much. My husband Maury and I cant get me pregnant. Is
is him or is it me? Find out in the next issue of DAILY COW
where the news is reported by true professionals. Whats the
frequency Kenneth? About once or twice a year. Lifes a bitch
and then you share an anchor desk with Dan Rather.
What a zine!
Sure I love cows. Who wouldnt with over 1.28 billion of them all
over the world buying my records. Linda and I worry about the
millions that are slaughtered every day. Thats why we read all
the latest cow news in DAILY COW. They dont accept corporate
sponsorship and arent afraid to hurl cowpies at anybody. There
will come a day when Helter Skelter is a reality and I hope this
zine is there to chronicle it for all of us cow lovers.
What a zine!
Clarence Thomas told me that milk is removed through the teats
which are elongated nipples at the end of each mammary gland. I
asked him where he found this out and he showed me the latest
issue of DAILY COW. After reading it myself I learned that dairy
cows are sexually harassed twice a day at regular intervals.
DAILY COW has something for everybody and Clarence says the
pinups aint bad either.
What a zine!
By means of artificial insemination a cow can be impregnated
with the semen of a bull that is not kept at the same dairy. When
I told Johnny that he suggested that I stop drinking from the
bottle and see if I could fill up a bottle and knock up a few cows.
Ho, ho, ho. Read DAILY COW and get more laughs than I ever
got as the worlds lamest sidekick.
What a zine!
In the 1990s theres plenty of information but very little
inspiration. You can now hear one of my songs in a Mercedes
Benz commercial. In a way Im glad Im not here anymore to see
how perverted life has become. But enough moralizing. DAILY
COW is full of inspiration, bullshit and screams from the udders
of cows all over the world. A reader of this crazy zine will
remember what life was like in the 60s. Keep the dream alive!
What a zine!
The best minds of my generation are thinking about how to make people click ads. That sucks.
I don't understand why the hell peoples feel disturbed by the fact that their stuff is being copied all over the net.
Please, come on, it's the net, you have a copy of this text at least in one place of memory, perhaps a second copy on
your hard disk as a cache for your browser, and even a third copy of it in your memory swap file.... and it's not
counting you probably ~at least~ have two other copies of it just to render it on screen... basically i could also count
two more copies as a graphic rendering... wait, right now you have seven copy of my text, hum, i wonder how many
peoples read this stupid text? 10,000, 20,000, each with seven copy of it? i want to reassure everybody, no elec-
trons were harmed while you are reading this.
we are talking about computers, the most used commands, on general type of processors, are basically LoaDing and
SToring data, or MOVing them around... and you expect to have no copy?! that's nearly 20 years i use the net (or
BBS before), i've written several hundred (or thousands, i'm not sure) of pages about various subjects (well, mostly
programming and reverse engineering), i also did a few graphics and mathematical music, they're copied every-
where, i even saw a part of my stuff in one course in the university from brussel, who cares who wrote the stuff in
the first place? do i care? no, i know i wrote that. do i care if peoples know i wrote that, well for some thing i'd pre-
fer they don't know, for the rest i don't even give a shit about it. when i have finshed my stuff, i post it somewhere
(generally usenet), and copies of it are made everywhere... i don't even expect anything from what i did, i just like
to share with everybody without distinctions, no barriers to knowledge or art. what i like is to see that i changed the
way people thinks. and i'm doing just that, with you right now :-)
that's why i happened, at one time, to have over 60,000 mp3, thousand of cd with divx of movies, several thousand
of e-books covering every subjects from physics to biology (that i never listen, watched or even read), now i don't
even need to have a copy of them, everything is on the net. for free, for everyone. and for peoples that, like me at
one time, couldn't afford to pay for it. i started copying stuff at age 8, i'm 35. at that time you weren't downloading
or copying something thru the phone line. no, you were sending it by snail mail, with some glue or wax on the
stamps, requiring your friends to send them back...
imagine, now, asking someone to send you a stamp back... you probably don't even get letters, or perhaps just junk
stuff asking you to pay something... funny life, isn't it?
there's a network where we can now nearly exchange any piece of data, nearly freely. internet. wanna know how i
learned to use computers? i learned by trials and errors, doing the whole work by hand, doing tons of stupid errors
by myself, i couldn't even find a book about the C64 assembly programming language (6502) for two years i bought
the machine, BASIC books about a v2 of the language (from microsoft, with 38911 bytes free...) were a must at that
time. now you just go and make a google search, find thousands of pages explaining you how to make something...
something well, no, anything, even how to purify uranium (it seems like a 15 years old boy did just that in the
united states). is there a limit to what one can know, i'm far from sure.
you want your data, hum, your ideas, your view of the world not being copied, not exchanged: "make them in stone
and put them in your garden" (i'm not even sure that if you do that, you won't find a picture copy on the net). do not
put it on the net. talk about it to your invisible friend, if you make something digital, accept it to be copied, every-
where, everyday, by everybody. share. don't care about yourself, we're part of another organism, bigger, the human-
ity or the planet earth, tough i doubt we'll stay around for a long time. share, give to everybody, don't you see we
are not here for a long time if we don't share knowledge, or art for that matter?
in inter-net there's perhaps a part of the word you missed. "inter". check something like:
grep -i ^inter /usr/share/dict/words | wc -l
it gives around 312 results... (if you use a linux system)
keep this in mind, it's the net, there will be a copy of it, you even ask search engines to have a copy of it. there's al-
ready several copy of this just at the time you read it.
if you can't change the world, change your view of it. perhaps it's not a plate, but a globe, and it turns around...
The next issue will return us to more familiar grazing ground for regular
readers of this zine. Will the upstart Johnnie Cockring unseat Donna
Cowleone as the new leader of the Bossy government? What will the
Guru Moo have to say this time on the nature of life for a cow? Also
upcoming will be reports about cows on line, cow web pages, and the
newsgroup alt.cows.moo.moo.moo. Readers have submitted many
cowtoons, stories and other goodies for you cow fans to chew your cud
on. Lots of laughs but no money back guarantees!
Issue #12 should be out in the Spring of 1996 if I can stop being on line
40 hours a month and downloading cow stuff and somehow manage to
construct a print zine and electronic zine at the same time.
The Word and World of Cow will continue. There is no hurry anymore.
All we have is today. The internal slaughterhouse of cow punnery
awaits you. Watch your step. See you then?
WACOW-Mass hysteeria reigns in this religious town as over 10,000 bovines
from Feedlot No. 9 escaped when a deranged army of Brahman cattle stormed
the gates and created a stampede to freedom. In a matter of hours Texas
Rangers were dispatched by Governor's Sam and Whitney Houston to round up
the escapees and disarm the scum. Casualties are heavy on both sides with the
average weight scaling in at 1492 pounds. Local church going humans have fired
up the "Holy Grill" and are barbecuing the dead in order to clear up the streets
whose main arteries are clogged with beef. A State of Emerguernsey has been
declared with residents advised to stay inside and lock their barn doors as
dangerous cows are now wandering free in the pastures and streets of Texas.
Daily Cow has learned that the rebull group of cattle calls itself B.E.E.F. (Bovines
Exterminate Evil Feedlots) and has stockpiled enough amoo to begin a range
war. They are led by a smooth talking lawyer named Johnnie Cockring who has
served time in various feedlots for passing bad czechs in Europe and stalking his
ex-wife Celery. B.E.E.F. has formed many large cutlets all over these United
Steaks of Bovine (USOB) and plans are now underway to liberate every feedlot
in the country.
After taking over local radio station WDNA, Generalissimoo Cockring ladycast
the following message: "I abhor violins. It is unfortunate that we had to go 'postal'
to deliver our brothers and sisters from this horribull concentration camp. As you
know 69% of the cattle in these filthy prisons are there due to insane mandatory
drug sentencing laws. What you do not know is that they are unwilling pawns in
an unknown conspiracy which I shall now reveal for the first time!"
"It goes by the code name of 'Southern Rush' and was hatched by a small herd
of southern cows in the 1980's. These madcows are bent on world domination
and have infiltrated our government at all levels to carry out their diabolical
scheme. A systematic contract of bovinicide has been launched which will
brainwash, jail, enslave and eventually overfeed us all to death. In the feedlot a
program of molecular restructuring and genetic engineering has proven to be a
success. The 'Southern Rush' is now able to create a super breed of cows called
GOBS (Good Ol' Bovinus Southern) who will someday populate a new world of
one breed-a blue-eyed, white-haired, horned cow that will take over the world.
This evil must be stopped and this is a call to cows everywhere to join us and
save their hides from this great evil that is now loose in the world."
In response to the current mayhem Postmaster General Gary U.S. Bonds sent
the adept F Troop to Texas in order to capture the renegade band of
B.E.E.F.'ers. Extra security was also assigned to every feedlot in the land and an
investigation led by Attorney General Barry Bonds will create a strike force to
disabull any other cutlet members.
(continued on back cover)
Cover Story - Page 1
Just Say Cheese - Page 2, 4
News - Page 3, 5
Muse - Page 6
Cowmentary - Page 7
Pinup - Page 8
Cow Story - Page 9, 10
Cowetry - Page 11
Cowtoons - Page 12-15
Cow Stamp Art - Page 16
Cabull TV Guide - Page 17
Kale - Page 18
Alfalfa - Page 19
Feedback - Page 20, 21
Cowmercials - Page 22
Cowmmemooration- Page 23
Back Cover - Page 24
Originally Published Spring 1995
Digitally Remastered 03/15/02
The Holy Church of Moo
Western timothy grass is tasty.
Northern shrooms will loosen teeth.
Southern legumes will give you gas.
Midwest clover will roll you over.
New health facism forces cows to
inhale all smoke indoors. Dont
catch hay on fire. Ash your butts in
a proper manner!
Feedlot cows are not criminals; they are not underlings; they are other natives, caught with
ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendour and travail of the earth.
(Johnny Cockring/The Escapist Papers 1995)
USING THE JUGULAR VEIN: The above photo is of
Johnnie Cockring, the new darling of us all and the
rebull leader of B.E.E.F. In an exclusive fax to our office
(err, kitchen) he gave us a list of songs that he has been
playing to death since cowmandering radio station DNA.
TOP 13 hits
01. Calcium Nookie Cookie-Louise & The Pasteurizers
02. Red Barn of Courage-Dr. Cowpox w/MC Freckles
03. Bible School Everyday-The Righteously Stuffed
04. Ozone, Nozone, Blowzone, Deadzone-King Crabby Lice
05. Miss Piggy Was A Boar-Pearls Before Swine
06. Route 666-The Crop Circles
07. I Veal Fine-The Dung Beetles
08. In Dinahs Kitchen-The Burt Reynolds Wrappers Six
09. Brahmans Blues-Eric V.D. Clapton
10. R.U. Fat Or Am I Blind-Three Ugly Souls
11. Kill The Lights-In Darkness We Trust
12. One Good Churn Deserves Another-Mrs. Butterworth
13. All The Way With LBJ-Rosary Kennedy
JERSEY CITY-It was two years and six days ago
that it took a jury only five minutes to come back with
a verdict of guilty and Daily Cow Publisher David
Mooey was forced to cease publication for 730 days
due to employing underage bovines to pedal his
papers. At the sentencing, Honorabull Judge Hugh G.
Rection, also forbid Mr. Mooey from writing or
uddering any puns during that period of thyme. At a
press cowference after the low tech castration Mooey
called the judge an oxymoron and said he'll be moving
to Iran, converting to Judyism and publishing free-
farm poetry.
In a plaintiff voice the overweight and undersexed
Prosecutor Barbie Bucolic presented the State's case
against Mooey. "Every morning calves as young as
two years old are forced to awaken before 5 a.m. and
go to work for this bully. Heavy loads of papers are
deposited on their barnsteps and each item must be
folded, put in bags and then hauled on a heterocycle
throughout the hood. They must do this in all kinds of
weather, often enduring heat, cold, rain and snow.
They face potential dangerous hazards: tractor traffic,
biting dogs, racing horses and strangers who might do
them harm. For all this difficult work Mr. Mooey pays
them far less than the minimum wage-pennies per
paper. This is not an issue of Freedom of the Press but
a clear cut case of exploiting our youngsteers by
hiding behind the First Amendment."
In an obnoxious voice a depressed and horny Defense
Attorney Ben Zine tried in vein to shoot holes in the
State's case with his closing argument. "My client is
guilty of nothing but writing shitty poetry but that's
another case for another day for another court. Having
calves deliver DAILY COW builds up their leg
muscles, gives them a sense of responsibility and what
little they earn in money they grain in valuable real
world experience. Without these jobs our youngsteers
would be drunken, glue-sniffing, drug addicts
worshipping a purple dinosaur on the shores of a
makeshift virtual reality.
My client is providing jobs for the youth of this great
nation. The only reason the State brought this suit was
because they don't like what Mr. Mooey publishes.
The truth to the State is a stubborn stain and instead of
feeding it a cleansing balm they will muzzle it like a
rabid dog. The press has always been exempt from
Calf Labor Laws because our forefatters didn't know
any butter. Don't convict my client because a bunch of
slave-holding 16th century cows had crazy notions
about freedom of the press."
Our long nightmare is over. The two years are up and
DAILY COW is now being delivered by old cows
picking up some supplemental income for their golden
years. Attorney Ben Zine is now a dry cleaner and
Prosecutor Barbie Bucolic is now selling retail carpet
and making piles of money. Judge Hugh G. Rection
retired last year and is now delivering our newspaper
on his homocycle. As Robert Frost once said before
falling off his bicycle "a jury is twelve cows chosen to
decide who has the better lawyer."
HOUSTON-The 40th Annual Super Bull Convention
went off without a hitch as bulls from all over the
country gathered in the Astrodome to proclaim their
The Golden Jock Strap Award '95 went to Billy
Mignon of Redding, PA whose virility went
untouched as he reproduced documentation proving
that he had sired 1,483 offspring last year for a batting
average of 4.05 per day. The tired mootherfucker was
ebullient upon learning that his grand prize was a
month's vacation in Mexicow.
The keynote speaker, Dr. J. Sirloin Elders of Little
Cock, Arkansas was roundly booed for his
contraception speech, "When She's In Heat Package
Your Meat." Most bulls felt their livelihoods were
being attacked and objected to a recent survey as
being skewered which showed AIDS to be rampant in
the bovine cowmunity.
The climax of the days activities was a stampede to the
Red Robin Inn where retired matador Red Skeleton is
now an elevator operator. Next year the Super Bulls
will meet in San Francisco where the theme will be
"Cross Dressing Bulls."
HOLLYWEED-Dissing the ingrained notion that
cows are stupid, Carol P. Mensa, a 1500 pound
Guernsey, was a two time champion on the popular
game show winning a grand total of $32,525. She
completely outsmarted her human opponents by
running the following categories: Agriculture, Solid
Waste, Dairy Products, Boviniphiles, Leather Bars,
Famous Butchers and Moovie Mooguls.
When asked by the amiable but bacterial host Alex
Trebek what her hobbies were, Carol shocked
everyone by replying, "I cowlect shrunken human
heads. But don't worry Alex, no amount of
formaldehyde could shrink your big head. Oh, I'm
sooo sorry."
On her third day of competition Carol lost by $1 when
she failed to put her answer in the form of a question
in the Final Jeopardy category of Humor. It went like
this--A bull says this to a nearsighted milker. Carol
wrote down "Moo." The correct response of course
should have been, "What is Moo?"
Nobull Peace Prize Weiner-Linda Lactose
lectures on intolerance via the Uddernet af-
ter getting her award from Swiss chemist
Albert Hoffman. Ms. Lactose brought peace
to the Middle East by shaking her booty at
the Gaza Strip Club and dosing the Nile with
a powerful hallucinogenic.
Marx Sisters Alive-Pictured above are Gau-
cho, Oprah and Gummo who were found run-
ning a dairy farm in Cuba, the last bastion of
Marxism. Gaucho told us, get high on milk-
my cows are all on grass. Say the secrete word
(manure) and win a trip with George Raft to
Worlds Smallest Cow-Milli Gram shown
here with her dopey milker Billy at a Flea
Circus in Washington, DC where she and an
oversized mink stole the show. The noted au-
thor of The Half-Pint BGH Wars now hustles
her micro-drugs with other freaks for the Bar-
num & Bailey Circus.
Cowsills Reform-After being in jail the past
25 years for sending a shipment of mushrooms
through the mail via Parsley Post this 60s flour
power group rules. Their new CuD Pate de
foie Grass contains the single Carrots As Far
As The Eye Can See which hopped to #1 on
the USOB charts.
PASSAIC-Walt Dizzy Corporation opened its first
Funny Farm today in this strait-jacketed Jersey town
and reported record gate receipts as loco crazies
jammed the theme park for fun and medicated goo.
The town, full of animals, was certified as an insane
asylum in 1994 by Governor "Slim" Whitman.
Most notabull was the long line at the "mood swings"
where manic-depressives were having the time of their
lives. A cowmedian troupe from Top Hill Farms got
up a game of "shtick ball" and at last count the 'skins'
were beating the 'foreskins' 9 to 5. Horses roamed the
park barefoot as their shoes were stolen by a bunch of
chimps intent on throwing them at a steak in the
ground. Most of the animals were enthralled by the
giant 60 foot tailevision screen which showed repeats
of "Green Acres", "Wild Kingdom", "Daktari", and
"That Girl."
Two minor accidents marred the first day opening.
Police Chief Annie Oakley was teaching youngsteers
how to shoot a pistol and inadvertently shot four bull's
eyes. The bulls were patched up expeditiously by the
local optimist Les Moore and were last seen pirating a
port-a-john down Main Avenue. A baaad vehicular
accident was reported when a ewe haul driven by
drunk sheep overturned into Beaver Brook and injured
4 geese, 2 pigeons, a partridge family and a pear tree.
Security is being provided by Avant Guard Dogs who
patrol the grounds looking for well-adjusted animals,
dispensing prescription drugs like biscuits and sniffing
out trouble before it starts. The Funny Farm is open
daily and proof of insanity is required for entrance.
Dizzy officials were ecstatic at their new cash cow
despite clinging criticism from mental health experts
who criticized them for exploiting the mentally
LAS VEGAN-The Happy Heifer Palace was raided
yesterday by undercover cops who proceeded to shut
its doors and legs for selling meat. Arrested in the raid
were Juana Lee Hooker, Mary Tyler Whore and
Scarlet O'Hara who allegedly ran the harlot house. A
dozen underage pasture-walking calves were also
booked along with the Smith Bros. and ZZ Top who
were dropped off at a local cowspital for courtesan
injections after coughing up enough dough for bail.
In Las Vegan the selling and consumption of meat is
illegal so the three floozies could face stiff sentences
of 20 years a piece. Attorneys H.G. and Orson Welles
will plead not guilty for the madams claiming that the
"no meat" ordinance only applies to "dead meat" and
that cows selling their live bodies to make ends meet
is a respectabull way to make a living even in this
fascist-vegan town.
A bunch of clowns alerted authorities to the brothel's
existence after getting their noses bent out of joint by
a cow sluts refusal to perform fellatio on them because
she said that "clowns taste funny."
ABERDEEN-The moosic industry was shocked to
learn of the recent death of Curt Cowbrain who
popularized grunge music and made many of them
rich. The leader of the group Nirvana was found dead
Fryday after shooting his brains out with a pea
shooter. MTV and Rolling Stone quickly capitalized
on the tragedy by making the depressed singer a
cultural icon in a matter of days by releasing old
videos and books to a confused audience.
His splattered head was found by his wife, Courtney
Love Hole, splayed akimbo on their brand new Henry
David Thoreau Rug which prompted a raving Hole to
open up and release the following statement:..."that
rug cost us $5000, that stupid piece of beef jerky never
did know the value of mooney. How am I gonna get
these stains out. What's Yoko's phone number-she has
white rugs-those Orientals are good at dry cleaning.
Where am I, he said he'd fix my tractor but this is
crazy. So he had a small penis, so what! Hay,hay
better to blow your brains out than be forgotten.
Goddamn my mouth feels like cotton, my hair feels
fake, my new CuD should sell now, where's my baby,
it's time for another shot..."
Cowbrain's best friend Michael Stipend was awoken
from a sound sleep and REMinisced with reporters for
two days about the songs they were going to write
together. "Curt was an asshole but a likabull asshole,
he deserved to die just like all punks deserve to die.
Long live Joe South."
Cowbrain will be buried in an undisclosed pasture
next Tuesday with full military honors including a 12
gun salute. Feed your heads and watch your
Chuck Berry filed for divorce from Halle Berry and
accused her of data rape claiming she remooved 4
megabytes from his hard disk...Alexander Graham
Bull has declared bankruptcy because his long
distance bill is now over 2 million...Calving Klein
pleaded guilty to shoplifting two pairs of stonewashed
jeans at Steers...Roy and Kenny Rogers are opening a
mating farm for owls in Hooterville...Larry S.C.
Taylor of Bovine Gazette fame is being held by
mobsteers in New Jersey and working at a pizza parlor
until he makes good on a marker from the Golden
Gonad Cowsino...
You nearly lost your beloved windbag Guru Moo last year. It happened on Easter Sunday when I was with my pal
Bugs Bundy searching for the "Ovum of Enlightenment" along the Chisholm Trail when I was stricken with
severe pains in my abomasum (4th stomach). Pain, as we all know, means that something is wrong with the body.
I only passed two courses in Pre-Med and those were Gall Stones & Gas so it was time to consult a physician to
heal myself. Later in the week I arrived at the office of my Vietnamese Vet Lee Doc Toe and patiently awaited
him to diagnose my illness. I had not eaten for three days and did not know how much longer I cud go on this
The laid back receptionist Kitty Scan confiscated my Discowver Card and the ornery vet finally agreed
to espy me upon running a credit check. After exchanging pheasantries and bodily fluids, the scowling
vet tried to get me to eat some quackers and fleas. When that failed he said the bestial thing to do
was run a battering ram of tests on my bovine body to see what the problem was. First he took copious
amounts of blood, piss and notes, then some Generation X-Rays and for his grand finale stuck his hand
up my ass to be sure I wasn't hiding the keys to his Mercedes Benz tractor which he had lost in a poker
game. A few days later he put me in the hospital for another test where he placed a mini-camera down
my throat into my stomach (s) and took a mess of pictures. A few hours later as I reclined in my stall
still woozy from hunger and all the drugs his well organized and pimply endowed nurse, Ann R. Key, came
to me and laid out what was wrong with me.
"Hay Guru Moo how they hanging today? Have we got bad moos for you. The test results show you got a
displaced, dilated and ulcerated stomach, a useless gall bladder with enough stones and sludge blocking up your
ducts that you could meet your Maker St. Elmo Fudd any day now. In cases like this the good doctor
recommends butchering." Knowing my Animal Rights I asked for a second opinion and she said "you're stupid
too." After she left, it hit me- here I was in the prime of my life about to be struck down by a digestive system
that was broken and beyond repair. Was it any wonder! I had spent half my waking hours eating everything in
sight. If only I had listened to my fodder! Who says a vegan diet is healthier. Here I am knocking at death's
door all because I couldn't keep off the grass. In the ensuing days I tidied up my affairs and plunged into a
toilet bowl of depression. I awaited the carving knife of death with a grim smile secure in the wisdom that this
mortal life is only a receptacle for trash and I wa about to be thrown out to the Cowsmic Milky Way where
stars full of chocowlate and cowfee would await me, tongue in cheek,and help me lap up the flavor of an eternal
and guilt free afterlife.
A few days later I was at Red Lobster drowning my sorrow in a plate of sneezeweed when I ran into an
old sturgeon friend of mine. After listening to my tail of woe she said she knew what it was like to be
dead but told me not to cash in my cow chips at Life's Cowsino just yet. She could operate on me using
Laproscopic/Nintendo Laser Surgery and get my hopeless abomasum working again. When she said her
middle name was Faith that was all I needed to hear and I immediately put my digestive tract into her
rusty hands for an overly expensive cut and paste job. I checked into the hospital the next day and as
they rolled me down the corridor on a guernsey my only thought was 'could having sex on a table be
counterproductive.' In a few hours I awoke with five holes in my belly and a goofy smile on my face.
The operation was a success and this cow didn't buy the farm he only stood on the porch and looked
inside at the hard wood floors. Hallemoojah!!
I'm feeling mulch butter these days. I've lost a lot of weight and now graze on low-fat hay but the indoor
plumbing is working and like cheese I'm very grateful. Please buy my new book based on Helen Keller's 18th
century yage visions "The Blind Leading The Bovine." It will dispense much needed insight into the boring
debate for Universal Health Care (why should our taxes go to pay for sick cows on Venus?) and also help you
with time tested recipes in feeding your head and not your bellies. Bless you bovines! Remember that Moo
stands for Mud-Object-Oriented. I'm off to the Recovery Room at Mount MeAgain Hospital where I do
volunteer work reupholstering stained cowches. Until next time?
The Guru Moo
I had more stones than Stonehenge!
We are fed up and tired of being the laughingstock of
the Animal Kingdom. The time has come to depose
the Don Cowleone government. Our future is blindly
being sold by this calcium deficient, prozac licking,
party animal. The manure of bloated government
sticks to Cowleone's udder like an infected and drunk
tick. The average cow is taxed to death, jailed, spit
upon and shot full of growth hormone by a ruler who
no longer cares. Enough is enough. It's time to take
back our minds, our bodies, our pastures, our country,
our future!
We are mentally challenged by the rapid rise of
Johnnie Cockring in the quicksand of modern day
politics. He thinks and speaks as one who has been
around the chopping block and knows what side his
bread is buttered on. We urge all bovines to join his
cutlet and overthrow the current regime-by any means
It is indeed rare to find such a selfless leader as Mr.
Cockring. He promises to lead us out of this valley of
death without prima donna posturing. In Cockring We
Trust! His bold stampede at Feedlot No. 9 is the
clarion call for cow liberation all over the country. It's
pasture bedtime Cowleone. Go to sleep and let us live
our lives as free cows.
They are everywhere reproducing at an alarming rate
and they won't wake up to this fact until it's too late.
They act like they own the green earth instead of
realizing that they should live in numerical equality
with all living creatures. How arrogant, how foolish,
how human!
What can be done about these thumb-sucking, always
fucking, brutal purveyors of mass destruction? Their
numbers are now doubling every twenty years or so
and pretty soon the world will be one unhappy feedlot.
Humans stop the overpopulation of other animals
when it occurs but who will stop their out of control
Daily Cow proposes that all humans leave Earth.
Build spaceships by the thousands and get the hell off
this planet. Star Trek the universe until you find
another galaxy to poison. Leave us cows here alone.
We are sick of your constant tampering with an
ecosystem to fragile to comprehend your lust for
power and each other. We'll be there at the launching
pads bidding you a fondue farewell with a stern
warning not to come back. Zero isn't just another even
number and if you don't leave soon it will be the only
What doesn't poison, fattens.
(Liz Taylor Ham)
I knew I was going off hard drugs when I didn't
like to watch TV anymore.
(Billie Holiday Inn)
A cow like me doesn't care what you wear when
you are on the milking stool,
just keep pulling honey!
(Lady Madonna)
I'm fat and I'm pregnant again.
I'm just another grain-consuming unit of flesh
about to be butchered to death by a bull of a
husband because I don't squeeze his juice fresh
every blessed morning.
(St. Nicole of Brentwood)
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd Down Under
COWTRIBUTORS:Bullogue, Trish Davis, Kat Jaz,
Keffo, Mad Dog, Alice Olds-Ellingson, Scot Rhoads,
Robert Segarra, Mike Thain, Paul Weinman, Scott
Young, E. Coli, L. Coli
All unsigned articles by the Editor.
Cowwaspondence, artwork and written
submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
That growth hormone look doesnt turn me
on...and if you ever stepped out of line
shed kick your ass.
NAME: Newt Gingerich (Sir Isaac of Newton)
BIRTHPLACE: Pigs Eye, Minnesota
OCCUPATION: Used Bible Salesbull (off the books), Know It All (off the wall)
RELIGION: First Church of Corporate Welfare
POLE SIZE: I don't masturbate and tell (only Liberals do)!
LAST SLEPT WITH: Lisa Marie Parsely, Jack Sage, Rosemary Looney & Pat Thyme
LIKES: Electric Chairs, Prayer Books, Pontificating, Peeing on Fatherless Children
DISLIKES: Cancer Patients, Vegetabulls, Demoocrats, Hardware Problems
FAVE ZINES: Divorce Etiquette, Barn To Burn, Incontinent Bull
FAVE GAMES: Pin The Blame On The Donkey, PAC Money, Without A Clue
FAVE JOKE: What does a florist do whenever he meets a virgin?
(He deflowers her!)
FANTASY: To make asexual contact with all of America.
NIGHTMARE: Being castrated by Dr. H. Rodharm Cliton.
QUOTE: "You have to impregnate a cow before a calf can get the milk for free."
Try not to eat chocolate ice cream. The
skimmed off refuse of other ice creams are thrown
together and then masked with chocolate flavoring.
I learned this little tidbit and a few other things
working in a dairy plant.
In the early 80s, the Lehigh Valley was still a
place where decent paying jobs could be found.
Now, the growth jobs are working a cash register at
a convenience store. But for one shining moment I
was a well paid union wage slave making fatty milk
products for the enjoyment of all.
Lehigh Valley Dairy was one of the biggest dairy
plants on the East Coast. During the Nixon years the
president of the company was busted for giving
$100,000 in bribe money to Tricky Dick to maintain
milk subsidies. The dairy employed close to 400
hourly workers and another few hundred paper
pushers. There were a lot of important looking
people, but I could never figure out what the hell
they did. My first job was in the ice cream
department. The deep freeze in the bowels of the
plant. I was issued a snow suit and moldy gloves.
The supervisor was a bald headed maniac named
John who sat in front of mounds of paperwork
swearing and growling. He threw a clipboard at me
and pointed at a door. I opened a huge steel door
and was hit in the face with a gust of cold air. The
freezer was 10 degrees below zero. My job was to
push a cart around and pull ice cream orders for
supermarkets. The ice cream was stacked to the
ceiling on pallets. You worked for 40 minutes and
were given a 20 minute break. It didnt take a genius
to figure out how to do the job, but doing the job
and knowing how it really should be done are two
different things.
I busted my ass until another worker named
Gary explained how the job was done. Youre
working pretty hard out there, he said. you are
making us look bad. Stop working the 40 and 20
crap. They always tell that to new people. What you
do is stay in the freezer for a few hours and take the
next few hours off. That way they dont know how
long we work. They cant do a thing about it. They
arent going to give you a bonus for working harder
than we do.
He was right. You deserved more time to adjust
to the change in temperature plus all the slacking off
didnt stop the ice cream from getting to the market
on time. By the following day I was working three
hours and sitting in the breakroom or hiding in the
freezer the rest of the time. The freezer was the
company prison and every misfit pro-union madman
was banished to it. The company thought they could
control things better by containing the virus. New
people like myself always started in the freezer
because the company wanted to see what you were
made of or whose side you were on. But like every
prison, the inmates found ways to get some control.
We continually worked at our own pace.
After a few months, I was an official dues paying
member of the Teamsters union. The plant had gone
through many strikes to better working conditions.
The Teamsters had negotiated high wages but that
was about it. They were corrupt. They were fucking
bagmen. They told you what to do but never listened
to what you had to say. This was understandable
seeing that we had turned control over to them. One
night the Teamster brothers showed up at work to
inform us of a walkout at the end of our shift. Our
contract was up and we were going to walk the line.
Everyone was thrilled because even after 10 years of
service you only got three weeks of vacation time.
Any time off from the monotony was worth it.
The strike lasted a few weeks and we won a
raise, but there were going to be some changes. The
bosses informed us that we would have to work
harder or the company would go out of business.
There was too much fat and it was going to be
sliced. Of course, they didnt mention what they
would do on the management side to make things
better. Noooooo, it always came out of our hides. As
a result of the changes, I was transferred to the
central processing department.
Central processing was the control point of the
plant. Tall milk silos holding 50 thousand gallons of
milk towered over the work area. In the center of the
department was the control room. People stood in
front of huge wall panels watching gauges and
making notations on their clipboards. The control
room was the only noise free area. Otherwise the
incessant beating of machinery exploded in your
ears. You were always asking huh or repeating
yourself because no one could hear.
I was put on the bag line. When milk is
pasteurized and homogenized a byproduct called
sweet whey is produced. Sweet whey is then added
to other materials to form food items. The excess
goes out a stack and lands on people. My glorious
job was to attach a 50 pound bag to a funnel like
machine and bag the stuff as it came out. I then
pushed the bag on rollers to another worker who
would sew it and stack it on pallets. It was the worst
job and no one ever lasted at it. The bag room was
dusty and loud. We were covered with whey and it
made life miserable. The rest of our department called
us snowmen.
Anyone who has worked a job like this probably
knows the sheer drudgery. Your mind tends to float
and you find ways to break up the day. Some people
came to work drunk or high and it didnt matter since
the work was so robotic. One of my partners was fond
of eating cockroaches or putting them on people when
they werent looking. Occasionally I would wait until
our boss was busy and then put grease on his door-
knob. He could never figure out who was screwing him
over. Other times Id sneak into his office and read the
mind numbing things he wrote about us in his person-
nel log. It was stuff like, Kelly was late one minute for
third time in two months. The guy was a control freak
whose reason for being was to be a pain in the ass.
The work conditions pushed some people over the
edge. There was a story floating around about the time
a deaf worker was hired since he could best deal with
the noise. But he quit anyway and when asked why he
wrote, It vibrates in here too fucking much, I quit!
One day, the grind overtook my bag line partner
whose name was Dan. Dan was working the sewing
machine when he suddenly stopped and said, I think
we need a break. This machine doesnt work and Im
going to fix it. He picked up a rubber mallet and
began pounding it. True to his words, he really did fix
things. The sewing machine didnt work so the bags
couldnt come off the line and they couldnt process
milk so they couldnt accept it either. Long lines of milk
trucks formed outside the plant. Every department was
down. Dan was fired on the spot once the mainte-
nance workers looked at the battered machine. But he
filed a grievance and since I was the only witness the
company couldnt build a case. He was rehired and
given back pay. Imagine getting paid for sabotage!
Other times someone would snap, run up in the
catwalks and throw water on the machinery. Again the
plant would shut down and the culprit would be shown
the door. When the plant was down the supervisor
nearly pissed his pants wondering if we were slacking
off. He had us push brooms just for the hell of it. Id
ask him how many times a person could sweep an area
before there wasnt anything left to sweep. He usually
replied, Dont mouth off, if there is nothing to do then
go find something to do. I dropped to my knees and
praised the great work god for such words of wisdom.
I wanted to go to sleep somewhere but it probably
didnt qualify as doing something.
I became a thorn in his side as much as possible.
But for all my efforts I was promoted. I was given a
job that required I learn every job in the department
and fill in when needed. I was the highest paid hourly
slave in the plant, but it was nothing but trouble. It
meant a lot of responsibility, but not one person would
take the time to explain to me how the job was to be
done. It seemed to me that the engineers who de-
signed the plant were subhuman morons kidnapped
from a cave somewhere in the mountains and given
diplomas. Everything they designed was done in a way
to make your day suck. They had no concept of actual
working conditions. Pipes that should have run two or
three feet from a holding tank were instead placed
directly under the tank. If you had to loosen a pipe,
you risked being splashed with milk, hot water, glu-
cose or other unknown substances.
After awhile, I decided to go on vacation perma-
nently. I didnt want my epitaph to read: He died for
the dairy. When I informed my boss of my decision he
was outraged and unbelieving. Youll never get a job
like this again! Youll be sorry! he screamed. Freezing
my ass off. Getting dusted with powder. Hell, everyone
should be so lucky. Funny how bosses assume they
own you
just because they pay you.
He was right though, I never did get a job like that
again. Nor did anyone else. Last year the Labatts
Brewery Company of Canada bought Lehigh Valley
Dairy. They promptly threw everyone out of work and
received a tax write off in the process.
By Keffo
A sample issue of Keffos excellent zine Temp
Slave can be had for $2 from: J. Kelly, P.O. Box
8284, Madison, WI. It deals with temporary
human workers who are mistreated much like
the largest group of temporary workers in the
The cow is gentle and sweet
Yet we slaughter her for meat
A so-called edible enhancer
Thatll one day give us colon cancer.
Butchers, I love this cow like a mother
With her mooving charm, there is no udder
She-Gias daughter, behold the bovine
Earths creature intelligent and divine.
Hay then, this here is a song
Dedicated to one thats done no wrong
If you think consuming meat is fine
When then fuckface, how about mine?
Bull semen flowing
River coming to a head
Pissing waterfall.
somewhere in another galaxy
in an alternate universe
on a planet called moo
a family of 2-legged bovines
are sitting at the dinner table
eating humanburgers for supper
all except for bessie
the teen-aged cow
who opts for fruits and veggies instead
and ponders
if the rest of her family
are not risking cancer
by consuming all that meat
into their four stomachs
Bronx, New York
Boy! chomp chomp; this grass
sure is good. Boy! chomp chomp
this grass sure is good. Boy!
chomp chomp; this grass sure is good.
Boy! chomp chomp; this grass
sure is good. Boy! chomp chomp
this grass sure is good. Boy!
chomp chomp; this grass sure is good.
Boy! chomp chomp; this grass
sure is good. Boy! chomp chomp
this grass sure is good. Boy!
chomp chomp; this grass sure is good.
Boy! chomp chomp; this grass sure is good.
Boy! chomp chomp; this grass sure is good.
Boy! chomp chomp; this grass sure is good.
Boy! chomp chomp; this grass sure is
Alice Olds-Ellingson
What are you that I know you? Sky-white bull
Starlight glancing from your horns-what are you?
Star-pale bull with slow-stamping sway
And rolling stride with a night-time strong,
Slow shake of heavy head above the sea?
Twelve nights of waiting, cold before I saw you,
Spears of light within the sea, rising deeper, shining colder,
Star-crested shoulder beneath night; and I saw then
How you bore it, night above and night below,
Fish-swollen sea foaming round hooves, and streaked with a
sweet light,
And you bowed beneath the dark weight, sky-white bull.
Yellow-white as sea foam
Wheeling in morning, jeering earth-bound birds,
I turned against the sky
And saw your shape, drifting silent beneath the
shouting waves.
I am lost, a child floating in the night, I am a dead light
Drowning in darkness, deep inside the tide,
Gasping for your heavy breath, the silent wash of wind
And rush of white. You pale bull, I know you.
Your sight fills my eyes, the depth of your pulse drums
On the broken cliffs, the thunder of swelling sea,
A splintered night. I saw you rise, greater than the light
Of sun, of moon, of moaning ocean.
Light. Be Light. Star Light.
Knoxville, Tennessee
a. her leaning-over
boobs bulge & sway
b. hardened nipples
make his pants poke
c. hands do things
in his minds undies
1a. mouth opens
1b. herd lifts heads
2a. jaw halts
2b. big brown eyes
3a. burger set down
3b. horned heads nod
4a. plate pushed away
4b. cows moo in chorus
Albany, New York
Cowtoons by Kat Jaz who
produces one of our favorite
zines, Reptiles of the Mind,
which comes out monthly. A
sample issue is $2. Send to her
at P.O. Box 10087, Knoxville, TN
37939 and discover yet another
alternative universe!
These cowtoons were done by
Scott D.S. Young. Scooter has
lots of great cowmics, greeting
cards and ideas. Write him at
Cow Crusader, Different Sins
Comics, 1329 West Mary St.,
#214, Austin, TX 78704
01-GAC Green Acres Channel
02-ABC All Butchers Channel
03-A&E Asses and Excretement
04-AMC American Meat Channel
05-BET Bovines Entering Truck
06-CBS Cows, Bulls, Steers
07-CSP Cows Slaughter People
08-CNN Cow News Network
09-DSC Diseased Sick Cows
10-E!! Eating!!!
11-ENC Especially Neurotic Cows
12-FAM Fat Angus Masturbating
13-HSN Heifer Shopping Network
14-HBO Homoosexual Bulls Only
15-LIF Laughing Into Fertility
16-MAX Mooing & Xenophobia
17-MTV Moosic TV
18-MSG Monday-Sunday Grazing
19-NBC Nasty Barn Channel
20-NIK Neatly Implanted Knockers
21-QVC Queer Vegan Channel
22-SPC Sexually Promiscious Cows
23-TLC The Lactating Channel
24-TNT Teats Not Tits
25-TWC The Weather Channel
26-TMC The Mating Channel
27-TBS Totally Bovine Sitcoms
28-SHO Sexy Heifers Ovulating
29-USA Udders Shaping America
30-VHI Very Heavy Ones
Illustrations from the Best of Destrier 9/93.
Send inquiries as to availability and price to
Scot Rhoads, 8818 Troy Street, Spring Valley,
CA 91977.
TCI is Tele-Cows Interactive of New Jersey is
a subsidairy of BGH Ltd. Dedicated to growth-
yours and ours!
Coming Next Month
31-TEC The English Channel (all wet, all the time)
32-C#5 Chanel #5 (all smell, all the time)
+ In the United States about 60 million acres are
planted to hay.
+ One grain elevator in Kansas is a half mile long
and can hold 18 million tons of grain.
+ Steven Babcock (1843-1931) discovered the
butterfat in milk in 1890 which was the start of
modern dairying.
+ There are over one billion cows alive today.
+ The first cattle exported from the US were 16
steers shipped from Savannah, GA to the West
Indies in 1775.
+ Warren Glass Works Glass Air Tight Milk Jars
were the first milk bottles. Made in 1877, they were
used by the Echo Farms Dairy Company of NY.
+ Cows are extraterrestrials who will someday rule
the green earth.
+ Estimated number of cows it takes to supply the
22,000 footballs the NFL uses each season: 3,000.
+ It takes 10 pounds of milk to make one pound of
+ It is said that two things can make cowards out of
brave bullfighters, a serious goring and a contented
What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
They both get easier to pick up with age!
Why is it such a drag to screw a cow?
You have to climb down from the stump and walk
all the way around every time you want to kiss her!
What do you call a healthy cow from Paris who is on
welfare? A Parisite!
The great cow pie in the sky.
She doesnt let the grass grow under her feet.
Let the chips fall where they may.
Take the bull by the horns.
Till the cows come home.
No use crying over spilt milk.
Ready to be put out to pasture.
Like a bull in a china shop.
Make hay while the sun shines.
Strong as an ox/get a bum steer/cock & bull story.
Why pay for the milk when you can get it for free.
Question: Every time I boot up on a Friday night
with my favorite heifer, Meggie Byte, she starts
mooing uncontrollably-Abort, Retry, Fail! What
does this mean and what am I doing wrong?
(Billy Gates, Silicown Valley, WA)
Answer: Apparently her hard drive is not reading
your floppy drive correctly. You need to configure
your sex drives so that you are both compatibull.
Make sure your floppy is in the right drive-most
bitchin bovines prefer the C (cunt) drive for entry.
Inserting your floppy in her A (asshole) drive, no
matter how rich you are, will be just cause for the
error message shes screaming at you. If you
continue to force your way into her A drive she will
refuse you access and requests for datas on a
Friday night.
Also, check your gender source to see if you are
AC or DC. You may be hooked up to the wrong
power source. If so, go find a nice young prodigy
and get on line with a bull who has the same
equipment and drives as you do.)
The net efficiency of business would pick
up 10% if we could turn the golf courses
of America into cow pastures.
(Nicholas Van Hoffman)
In breeding cattle you need one bull for every
twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.
(Johnny Carson)
Isnt Muamar Khadafy the sound a
cow makes when sneezing?
(Dave Barry)
Having your book turned into a movie is like
seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes.
(John LeCarre)
He better watch out how he milks power. If he
irritates the cow, shell kick him in the head.
(Phyllis Burke/Atomic Candy)
Meat is murder, but fish is justifiable homicide.
(Jeremy Hardy)
Im not a vegetarian because I love animals;
Im a vegetarian because I hate plants.
(A. Whitney Brown)
The world is your cow,
but you have to do the milking.
(Vermont Folk Saying)
The interior of a dairy barn is not a comfortable
environment for fastidious or nose-finicky persons.
Originally white walls are thoroughly stained in a
variety of browns. Ribbed tin ceiling, strung power
lines, fixtures, and windows are soiled and cobweb-
hung. Animal and vegetable detritus collects in
windowsills, and underfoot sawdust, hay, and mud
mix with abundant feces, in which the cows stomp
and recline. For those who believe that cleanliness is
next to godliness, a walk down the barns central
aisle is an exercise in terror. A resting cow slaps her
tail into the gutter, and the passerby is spattered with
a gray-green odoriferous fluid compounded of urine
and sloppy-joe consistency dung.
Probably most Americans think of cows as-what
agricultural science has attempted to make them-
milk-secreting machines, animals that line up
dutifully 365 days a year to deliver milk. They are
not; and do not. Cows are mammals, and, like other
mammals, produce milk to nourish their young, and
hence must be kept on a regular breeding cycle.
Toward the end of a cows pregnancy, her bag
begins to swell (called springing) with colostrum.
She is checked to make sure that she is eating well
and feeling good. She gives birth (freshens) either
outdoors or in the barn, and for much of the first
week her colostrum-and antibody-rich milk goes to
her calf. She then goes on line as a milker, working
up to peak production in a matter of weeks.
(From Cutting Hill by Alan Pistorius)
Moo York City: Rush Limbull recently faced the
efforts of environmentalists to save the endangered
spotted owl with udder discowtempt. In his
sindickated TV show, Limbull was quoted as
saying,These environmooetalists are crazy. We
need those forests to make the necessities of life like
barns, baseball bats and pianos...not to mention the
grazing lands left when the forests are cleared. An
Earth First, Cows Second! leader said, Limbull
wears his nose ring too tight. Another
environmooentalist argued that Limbull eats black
magic hay and reads Aleister Crowleys Book of
Sloth while watching moosic videos of Cowdonna
singing Like A Calf.
(A Daily Cow Special Report by Mike Thain)
It was reported in June 1993 that Paul & Linda
McCartney interrupted their concert tour to fly to
Ireland for the 49th birthday of the worlds oldest
cow. The cow was said to have gulped down two
bottles of whiskey. No word on whether the guests
drank whiskey or milk or both.
It is now legal in New York State to breast feed your
baby anywhere in public.
Did you know that New York Citys Empire State
Building is 250 cows tall. Or that the Golden Gate
Bridge is 442 cows long? Here are more udderly
fantastic figures to chew on: It would take 22,880
cows standing side by side to span the Grand
Canyon at its widest place. And if all the nations
dairy cows were stacked one on top of the other,
theyd create a cow column 9,000 miles high. There
are more than 100 million cows in the country today,
says the USDA, and about 10% are dairy cows.
Cows have nearly 3000 degree vision-almost
panoramic. But they only have limited depth
perception, particularly at ground level. This is why
cows frequently sop and lower their heads to get a
better look at something. A cows hearing is at a
higher range than humans (8,000 Hz). So a loud
noise that we may barely notice, such as exhaust
from air cylinders or clanging metal gates, can really
bother them. Like all animals, a cow has a personal
space referred to as the flight zone. People,
especially visitors, or a dog entering this area may
make her very uncomfortable and she may not want
to move on.
Poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
I am the voice of the voiceless:
Through me the dumb shall speak,
Till the deaf worlds ear be made to hear
The wrongs of the wordless weak.
From street, from cage and from kennel,
From stable and zoo, the wail
Of my tortured kin proclaims the sin
Of the mighty against the frail.
Oh, shame on the mothers of mortals,
Who have not stooped to teach
Of the sorrow that lies in dear, dumb eyes,
The sorrow that has no speech.
And I am my brothers keeper
And I will fight his fight;
And speak the word for beast and bird
Till the world shall set things right.
Mega thanks for the issues of Daily Cow. I enjoyed
them very much and got quite a few laughs out of
them. In fact, they got passed around all over the
Row and much mirth was shared by all. No
kidding, for the week or two after the DCs arrived,
cow jokes and puns abounded. Of course, some of
the guys here were somewhat perplexed-Whats the
deal about cows? You guys stupid or something? I
copied a lot of the cow jokes and sent them to my
parents. My step-father loves cornball jokes,
especially humor topical to the country and to
farming and ranching. Hes kind of a quiet old guy,
but my mother told me he laughed for an hour
reading the letter with the jokes. Of course, most of
the guys here know me well and werent at all
surprised that I would have located such a zine. I felt
somewhat vindicated finally being able to tell them
that. See, I told you guys Im not the only one.
Thanks thousand times over, David, for sending in a
few laughs to us here. We have so much taken from
us here, both physically and spiritually, so that one
of the kindest gifts of all is laughter.
James L. Beathard #785
T.D.C.J. Ellis-I Death Row
Huntsville, Texas
(The main purpose of Daily Cow is to make people
and cows laugh. Thank you for sharing my humor
with others. You made my day. Did you hear that
Clint Eastwood has become a farmer and his cows
at feeding time tell him to Go Ahead Make My
I read about your zine in Factsheet Five and I just
wanted you to know that Ive been completely
obsessed with cows (especially cows from New
Jersey) for as long as I can remember. Because of
this obsession, my life, naturally, would not be
complete without a copy of Daily Cow. Could you
please send me a copy and make my dream come
Maria Walsh
Halifax, Massachusetts
(Your life is now complete with the enclosed issues
of DC. Someday the Daily Cow Archives will be put
on a CD-Rom and there will be over 50,000 pages
of cows. What a long, strange graze that will be.)
Thank you for the article in Daily Cow #9. It was
cute. I have your publications in our lobby and you
can hear the people howling as they read it! Some
folks have said its a bit racy, but I havent herd any
MOOLISA met a dog that resembled a cow last
spring and heres a picture of her nose to nose with
HOLSTEIN. She comments that the flowers are
starting to bloom but it took ever so long for all the
snow to melt.
MOOLISA wants you to know about her new
program for children called ADOPT A COW,
JUNIOR. Heres some info about the program for
school children 0-12 year. Keep in touch!
Sharon Quinlan, Adopt-A-Cow
RR#3, Box 5190
Montpelier, Vermont
(Best wishes to MOOLISA my adopted cow and to
her new dogfriend HOLSTEIN. Daily Cow believes
in tolerance, free speech and diversity and would
be happy to send the Guru Moo to perform a
weeding ceremoony should those two decide to get
hitched. Write to the above address for more info
regarding the Adopt-A-Cow programs.)
Thanks for sending Daily Cow and clueing me into
the bovine world. Ive never lived with or ridden or
talked to a cow and its been awhile since Ive eaten
one, but I still feel akin to them especially when my
heart gets broken and I ride my squeaky bike out
into the placid pastures and the cows lift their heads
and stare at me, still chewing all the while, as I ride
Dishwasher Pete
P.O. Box 4827
Arcata, California 95521
(Cows are stupid by human IQ standards but there
resides in them something deeper and more
compassionate than humans are capable of
understanding. Its written all over any cows face.
They can feel our pain! Anyway, send $1 to the
above address for Petes great zine called
Dishwasher which chronicles his goal of washing
dishes in all 50 states. Sounds like another worthy
obsession to me.)
Its been awhile but Im still a loyal Daily Cow
reader and correspondent. Thereby hangs a tail. In
Colorado, as with other parts of the country,
education is in a state of chaos. The bovine segment
of the population has not been content to stand fence
side and chew its cud. The politicians needing
barbecuing here have contrived a financial collapse
of the schools. As you will see, a number of cows
met with the School Supt. of Elizabeth, CO and
proposed to raise funds to build schools in this rural
area. I suppose you will think this is haymowing as a
calf path to higher pastures, perhaps Supt. of
Ron Case
Denver, Colorado
(Wilbur Post is the Supt. of Schools here at the
Passaic Board of Ed. Before the monthly board
meetings they hold a C.O.W. meeting (Committee
of the Whole). I dont want to get into cow IQ vs.
human IQ again but the manure does flow freely
at both meetings. To quote P.J. ORourke from F
Troop, Its hard to give demoocracy to cows. Not
enough of them would vote to be hamburgers.)
My mom works at a placed called Alfa-Laval. Its a
Swedish based company that makes all kinds of stuff
for cows. They even make bras for cows! Talk
about some very eccentric and bored people. I beg
you to send them a copy of Daily Cow so they might
invent some other strange items for cows. Good luck
with your zine.
Wendy Damman
Parkville, Missouri
(Thank you for the Alfa-Laval catalog and hope
the folks at the factory get a kick out of DC. I tried
to get the cows here at Bottom Heavy Farms to
wear some bras but they werent very supportive
of the idea. What I boob I was to order a gross of
those Triple Z Buttercup bras. However, they all
adored the nipple rings and wear them proudly!)
It is widely believed that the gall bladder is the
glandular origin of puns. That physical
disorientation and sickness you experienced was, in
all probability, humor. There is no doubt a footnote
in something somewhere explaining how you were
the father of the cow pun zine genre. They may name
a sundae after you at Baskin Robbins...but youll
probably have to die first so skip it.
Gregory Hischak, Farm Pulp
217 NW 70th Street, Seattle, Washington 98117
(So now that my gall bladder is out Ill stop writing
these cow puns and Daily Cow will turn into a
scholarly journal about bovines. Maybe sow. Send
$2 for the latest issue of Farm Pulp to the address
listed above and do it today or youll get a case of
cow bras in the mail from your truly.)
I fail to see the humor or satire in your portrayal of
my wife Tipper in Daily Cow #9 as Ms. Pasture
Perfect. You are killing valuable trees in making up
this sort of trash. I have launched a full scale
investigation (something fishy about you Mr.
Wyder) and if it is determined that you are making a
profit from your zine I will instruct Janet Reno and
the A.T.F. to drive by your residence and confiscate
your stupid asset.
Prince Albert Gore (In-The-Can), Vice President
Washington, DC
(I hear that you and your buddy Bull Cliton will be
needing lots of protection the next two years-
especially in the South. How about I send you a
case of bull jock straps and condoms and we call it
a day?)
The Daily Cow archives currently consist of a print
media collection that runs over 1,000 pages thanks
to clippings sent in by alert readers all over the
world. The archive also includes books, personal
cow photos, hundreds of greeting cards, handmade
creations and every commercial product sold over
the counter that I can afford.
The Daily Cow archives would like to be a
multimedia collection and as such welcomes in
addition to the list above: films, paintings, drawings,
music and computer discs (any format) related to
cows. In other words if something has a cow on it
-SEND IT HERE to be archived!
Thanks to Donald Stay, Rodney Leighton, T. Kilgore
Splake, Trish Davis, Laura Horner, Mark Harris, Mad
Dog, James Beathard and Thomas E. Muffin for
recent contributions to the archives.
Elephants have trunks but where can cows pack
their precious belongings when tripping out to the
Ivory Coast? The answer is just around the coroner
at your local slaughterhouse outlet. We will enroll
you in our "Suitcase of the Month Club" and you will
soon be seeing stars. As you amble in the door your
dismembership is enacted by our stunning club. In a
few weeks you'll be jetting off to exotic locations,
getting lost in airports, hanging our in closets and
sniffing more undergarments than Dan Lather and
Tom Brocow combined. So get a grip on yourself
and come on down!
It's the plain and simple truth that branding and
eartags are on the whey out and tattooing is the
latest rage. Tattoo's titillate and stimulate tired
lovemaking habits and can extend foreplay for four
hours. Tattoo's tell tall tales and tweak the snotty
nose of truculent authority. Tattoo's are "terrific"
says Tom Seaver.
We have thousands of designs to pick from
(including noses) or get yours custom made. How
about a picture of Bob Dole, Axel Rose, Robert
Shapiro or Regis Philbin on your butt. How about a
single word or a phrase such as "Mom", "Milk", "I
Love Dick", "Eat Hay Motherfucker", "Lactose
Intolerant", "Grade F", "Big Balls", or Nixon in 2000".
Hospital style sterilization and we guarantee no
mastitis for udder tattooing or impotence for testicle
tattooing. Calves must be over two. Herds by
appointment only. Youll look marvelous!
Tired of being on the ground and chewing on
stale grass for that meager hoof and mouth
existence? Come with us into the wild blue yonder
and learn to fly! Sign up for our three day course
"Cows In The Cockpit" and get a spiffy laminated
pilot's license with a 3D picture to boot. We'll put you
in the drivers seat and you'll be airborne steering a
DC 10, the SST, a helicopter or the space shuttle in
no time at all. Course also includes lessons in
navigating, parachuting, hang gliding and oral sex.
With your license great paying job opportunities
open up include crop dusting, airline pilot, stunt pilot,
traffic reporter, astronut (sic), dope smuggler or
When in Nepal all the Tibetan heifers head on
down to the Deli Llama for their Zen meals. Now
Hollyweed is prod (YES) to announce the opening of
its own Deli Llama right smack on Rodeo Drive. Chef
John Candy offers a menu of mouth watering
entrees such as Raw Silage Ala Stephen King,
Paraquat Wheatcakes Ala Jimmy Carter,
Mushrooms Ala Ram Dass, Soy Beans with Wavy
Gravey, Over Easy Kesey Kale, Alfalfa Sprouts,
Stymie Stew, Spanky Salad and tons more.
Dessert selections are endless with unique pies
like the scintillating Mae Brussel Sprout Conspiracy
Pie, The Hamsteer Butt Surprise Pie, Yogi Berra
Deja Vu Pie, Yogi Berra Deja Vu Pie and the
boisterous Gas Grass Pie. Drinks are free and we
give you plenty of time to chew your cud and
ruminate over our collection of zines. Music is
provided by the Bullimics from their wretched new
CuD "Commode Visions." Everything is 142%
natural with the only additives being whatever was in
the air the day it was harvested. Chew!
Want to lose weight fast? Graze all day long on
our grass and gain not a single pound. Prices are
negotiable and each purchase comes with a free
celery cap. Interested cows should contact Major
League Basebull owners in Houston, Seattle and
Was Frankenstein Jewish? Were Mike Douglas
and Merv Griffin lovers? With our brain transplants
you'll be able to answer these questions. Fee is
exorbitant but each brain comes with a Free OJ skull
cap. Only stupid cows need apply by contacting the
Trash Talk Trio c/o Richard Bey, Maury Povich &
Geraldo Rivera.
Tired of being pregnant every year but don't want
to be celibate? Now you can copulate all day and be
safe as your ovaries are filled with our lifeless
critters. Cost is cheap and each purchase comes
with a free Snoppy vibrator that holds up to 12
ounces of clear dishwashing detergent. Interested
cows should contact Johnny Apbullseed & Sons at
P.O. Box 121, Passaic, NJ 07055.
A mastectomy is no laughing matter especially
for a dairy cow who's livelihood depends on putting
her best breast forward. We can custom fit you with
a new udder and no one will know the difference!
Hang low all day long again and best of all keep
milking and stay off of welfare. Fee is chickenfeed
and each purchase comes with a free subscription
to Playbull zine. Interested cows should contact the
Vincent Price Is Right Clinic, Hooterville, IL.
This issue is lovingly dedicated to my mother who died on July 10, 1993
My mother loved nothing better than walking in the woods and being at one with
nature. She taught me how to love and appreciate all of creation.
As a Christian Scientist she studied and practiced metaphysics and gave me many
insights into a universe that could be understood without the material senses.
It wasnt easy raising four children but she did it with much love, patience and good
humor. Her laughter and terrible puns (worse than mine) will always remain embedded in my
funny bone.
As she passed from this plain of existence I cried for my loss but rejoiced at her arrival
into the loving arms of God. I love you and I miss you...Your son, David
Filled With Wonder
Did we choose our father or mother?
Was it for us to say when to be born?
This experience is filled with wonder
And the events are closing in.
It is an adventure that we run with our
concept of time.
And each one qualifies time to his own
We speak much of change but is it not
continuous unfoldment?
With a circle or a sphere there is no
beginning or ending.
Things passed from our sight are
continuing unspent.
So let us accept with purity of faith
That our being is guided safely
Through all that will ever be,
To where we find eternity.
By Nellie Gray Barrus
March 1993
Had a wonderful vacation in Roxbury at the school house. David, loved to swim in
the stream by a huge rock. Each p.m. the cows would come down for a drink.
(Baby Days, Vacations 1960 by Nellie Wyder)
(continued from page 1)
Meanwhile in Palm Springs, beloved Bossy Leader Donna Cowleone was
recovering from a bad bout of hoof and mouth disease at the Sonny Bono Milking
Parlor when word of the daring escape came. Before a large group of BGH
lobbyists the feverish, lame and drooling head bossy delivered the following
speech: "Bring me the head of Johnnie Cockring! He is nothing more than a
weed smoking, steeroid popping, estrogen injecting fag who has brought
paranoia to a land in the grips of its greatest prosperity in years. There is no
'Southern Rush' y'all. We are not in the grits of some great conspiracy or
cover-up. These feedlots are filled to capacity because the Crime Bull is working.
Decent cows can now chew their cuds in peace knowing they will not be attacked
by druggies, perverts, thieves and murderers. Steal a little and we'll throw you in
a feedlot, steal a lot and you get a job in my cabinet! We will build more feedlots
and police our states so the 'haves' will never have to worry about the 'have nots'
ever again. Case closed, let's potty.
So there you go cow fans. The lines of battle have once again been drawn. Who
is right and who is wrong is for the reader to decide. In matters such as these it
is best to close with a quote from the late Alice Cowpone: "Turn me over. I'm
done on this side." Moo. Oom.
Brought to you by the
CHICOWGO-Cherry Cowleone, thirteen year old daughter of Bossy Leader
Donna Cowleone, was placed in a Calf-Way House last week after being busted
by the DEA (Dung Enforcement Agency) for launching an atomic cowpie on
Moscow. The cowpie, which destroyed the entire city and killed over 7 million
cows, came without warning after it was activated from a missle silo located at a
farm in Bullhead City, Arizona.
The coworld shuddered when it learned that the young Cherry (a Grade A
student) and three heifer friends (Patty, Amy and Lucy Sky) had fed some drug
laced brownies to General Colon Cancer when he was on watch with the Big
Black Box. At the same time, President Mom was nearby in the Romper Room
watching a Gilligan's Island Marathon whilst fighting a chronic yeast infection. At
exactly 8 p.m. (Prime Time) the general lost cowsciousness and the juvenile
gangsteers cracked open the box with a pipe and punched in the code to set the
deadly cowpie on its way. About fifteen minutes later President Mom cursed as
Gilligan was preempted by a news bulletin alerting her to what had just gone
down in the next room.
Needles to hay, Prexy Donna's udder was now in a holy uproar as she ordered a
DEA thug named Hymen to hoofcuff Cherry and lock her up in the Chastity
Room. Cherry was fit to be tied and was herd mooing crazily, "You pushed me
too hard, OW that hurts." Her friends were sent home and high level souses said
they will be taken out of private school and placed in the public school system as
With the proverbial shit finally hitting the land, Cowleone took to the Boob Tube
and delivered a message to calm the milk-shaken world. "To any survivors over
there I apologize for Cherry bombing your city. She will be punished but you gotta
admit with all these loose nukes laying around one was bound to get through
sooner or later. Be fat as we may, from the ashes of today I pledge to dust away
the scrooge of radiation and build you a Virgin City; glowing in promise, radiant in
hope and moist with opportunity. In every cloud there is a silver lining! I also don't
plan on having anymore calves and will make an appointment to be liposuctioned
In an exclusive interview with Daily Cow, Cherry Cowleone related how sorry she
was for all the troubull she had caused. She waxed ecstatically about being in a
12 Step program and said she was doing OK now. While fighting back tears she
said that it's no use blaming her moother and others for her emotional woes-"you
see she stopped breastfeeding me after one day and my Godfather Marlon
sexually abused me for years and even my Nanny Annie use to whack me hard
on my fanny. I just have to be myself today because I don't know who I'll be
tomorrow." At this point DEA thug Hymen blocked us off from her stall and told
Cherry that talking to the press would only hinder her recovery.
Well, there you go cow fans. A city wiped off the face of the earth in minutes and
a young calf facing a lifetime of recovery. Live Free or Fry! Moo, Oom.
Cover Story - Page 1
Pix - Page 2, 4
News - Page 3, 5
Muse - Page 6
Cowmentary - Page 7
Dairy Queen Pinup - Page 8
Cow Story - Page 9
Cowtoons - Page 10, 11, 12
Cowetry - Page 13, 14
Cow Story - Page 15, 16
Archives - Page 17
Boviniac - Page 18
Kale - Page 19
Alfalfa - Page 20
Feedback - Page 21, 22
Clip Art - Page 23
Cowmercials - Page 24
Cerf Cows - Page 25
Back Cover - Page 26
Originally Published Spring 1993
Digitally Remastered 02/28/02
The Daily Cow Centerfold
David Mooey Exposed!
Hay fever spreading out West. Sod
still frozen up North. Bubba grass
real high in South. Dont inhale!
Erosion and wet sand in the East.
New food fad is microwaved astro
turf. Yummy!
1. Cherry Cowleone - Killed over 70,000 of Moscows finest with a nuclear cowpie. Currently in the
Sinead Cardinal OConnor Calf Way House for wayward cows.
2. Liz E. Borden - Set fire to Chicowgo Stockyards and barbecued over 10,000 cows. Currently
serving life and french fries at Wendys Stockade.
3. F. Lucky Luciano - Blew up Full Force Cowsino in Atlantic City and 365 cows cashed in their
chips. Current whereabouts are unknown.
4. J. Obscure Romenescow - Ace pilot who crashed planeload of 125 noisy and drunk bovine zine
editors enroute to cowference in Wisconsin. He baled out of plane with the hay and is currently on the
lamb near Sheepshead Bay in Long Island.
5. Trixy Norton & Brandon Flake - Drowned a total of 37 heifers in their own milk during a cereal
killing spree in Battle Creek, Michigan. Currently both are in a work release program and could be
serving breakfast at your Local House of Pancakes.
PICK HIT: Al & Dave Goresh - Brothers have killed 10 stupid AT&T agents over a long distance
phone bill. Currently holed up in a Taco Bell outside of Texas.
ABOVE: Artist Frank Furters rendering of Cherrys
Jubilee Bash when she turned 13 last January.
Cherry is the one tinkling on the ivories while
Mama Cowleone is an old blowhard on the clarinet.
The tune they were playing? Eve of Destruction,
of course! What prophetic fools these cows be.
Dick's Hills-A large herd of bulls have formed the
Council on Cow Killing (C.O.C.K. for short) to stop
humans from taking their spouses away after they
cease producing offspring and milk.
Spokesbull Peter Premature quickly explained to us
that there are countless bulls all over the country
heartbroken due to this cruel practice. They hope to
form hard pockets of resistance throughout the
U.S.O.B. and create an underground tunnel to protect
their wives from being trucked away.
Peter plunged deeper into this matter by saying, "What
do we tell our calves when they see Moother loaded
into a truck never to return again? They are left
mootherless and we daddies have to work twice as
hard and long in order to maintain this enforced single
parent barnhold. Humans are screwing up the bovinial
family structure with this sick behavior. Why can't we
look forward to Golden Years instead of Golden
Peter also said the council is hard up for funds butt
donations can be made at your local Sperm Bank.
"Our membership is growing every minute so join
with us in mounting a firm campaign to thrust this very
impotent issue to the foreskin of our society."
C.O.C.K. also hopes to come together with another
local group called C.U.N.T. (Cows Upright Not
Tenderloin) who being their female counterparts are
trying to stop humans from taking their husbands
when they can no longer get up enough sperm to
support a family. The C.U.N.T.'s are a rag tag group
led by Wendy Wankers who has had seven husbands
taken from her in this manner.
The first joint meeting of both groups will be held this
Sunday at the Vulva Fish Market Union Hall, 77 Ball
Street at 6 a.m. and 9 p.m. Entrance is through the
middle door and everyone over 18 is invited to come.
There will be a cover charge (sheepskin or latex) for
all bulls and all cows must present proof of I.U.D. at
the door. Hay and ice water will be served and The
Climax Blues Band will play at the end of each
meeting. A stimulating time is guaranteed for all.
Come and help stop the break up of the bovine family
Tripeville-A milquetoast cow missed her breakfast
this morning when her head got stuck in a nearly
empty 20 gallon marmalade jar. Her owner, Sticky
Steve Smuckers of Welch Farms, had to call the local
card shark to borrow his jaws of life to extricate Timid
Tessie's stupid head out of the jar.
The farmer managed to preserve her head intact but
said her brains were pretty well scrambled after the
ordeal. "She was unable to give any milk this morning
for my cereal. She just stood there and waffled.
However, this evening my head milker, OJ Simpson,
rushed into the barn and told her this riddle-'When is a
door not a door? (When it's a jar!') Sure enough her
milk came down after that."
Passaic-A 7 year old Hassidic bull bruised his face
and butt yesterday when he fell into a cowstruction
site hole while reading Daily Cow.
Lysle Loveburger of Trish Davis Kosher Farms
apparently lost his balance about 1:30 p.m. while
walking home and fell into a 17 foot deep hole at
Gregory and Hines Avenues. Witnesses claimed
Loveburger got distracted while ogling the Dairy
Queen Pinup page of the paper when he fell.
Loveburger, carrying a bag full of cigars and condoms
was rescued by police, paramedics, a brown Swiss
mountain climbing cow, a busybody, two punk rockers
and three deep fry cooks. He was then rushed very
slowly to Mount Aerobics Cowspital where he was
treated for facial injuries and holes in his buttocks. His
ass was also placed in a sling.
Miss Carla Cud of Australia faxed us this pix
and a note telling us how her latest calf was
born in a cab during a Sydney traffic jam.
Afterwards, her bullfriend said that this was the
first case of a calf being born out of gridlock!
Pictured L to R are Raja Maris and his
buddy Sal Monella. Raja butchered 61* cows
last week for a new record. They are holding
the cowhide of their 61st victim, Tracy
Stallard of Bossytown, Mass. Be on the
lookout for these cats who usually wear
pinstripes and NY caps.
Joe Bob Briggs, Texas best-loved bull/artist returns
to his barn after another long night at the drive-in.
He saw Fanny Fatbutter Digests Dallas five times
and cowmented, 7 bare udders, 77 dead cows and 2
tractor chases. Five stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
Human being Baba ORuth shot 60
alligators in Florida last week. The
voracious creatures were maiming and
killing cows until the Sultan of Sweat
showed up and whacked them. The
hanging gator above was shot in his
pajamas. How it got there is anybodys
Hollyweed-A friendly game of Scrabull ended in
tragedy when retired late night talk show king Johnny
Cowson was killed by two close friends. Being held
and charged with bovinicide are Vanna White and
David Letterman who police said stuffed scrabull tiles
down the cowmedians throat after he had beaten them
seven games in a row. As part of the autopsy
performed by personal physician Doc Severinsen, x-
rays revealed that the 7 letters stuck in the throat were
the J-A-Y-L-E-N-O tiles. Doc, in a saffron jumpsuit
and plaid sneakers, trumpeted the cause of death to be
suffocation by poor losers.
In a statement that took her two hours to compose
Vanna said, "I'm guilty bye, bye!" Letterman ad-
libbed by giving his Top Ten reasons for the murder
with the #1 answer being, "He swindled me out of my
GE stock." No bale of hay was posted and both
suspects will be given a stand-up trial next month in
Judge Wapner's Court.
Funeral services will be held Monday at 11:30 p.m.
for Cowson at the McMahon Parlor where the
marquee outside announces in big bold letters-
HERE'S JOHNNY! The eulogy and monologue will
be given by Arsenio and Monty Hall. Guests and
pallbearers are said to include the original casts of
Green Acres and Mr. Ed. Cowson will be creamated
and custody of the urn with his ashes will revolve
amongst his many ex-wives.
Passaic-Acting Mayor Clark Gaybull recently
unveiled plans to build a 127 unit hotel/barn for
homeless cows. The hotel/barn will feature milking
quarters, free medical care, cabull TV, ping pong
tables and a 24 hour a day snack bar. A one million
gallon grant from the Federal Department of
HUDDER and local revenue from towing illegally
parked tractors will finance the project which is slated
to be completed in 1997. The complex still has to be
approved by the City Cowncil who rarely do anything
but blow flatulent air around its chambers.
In other news, City Clerk Minnie Moocher announced
that 2,000 out of the 2,070 cows in Passaic have taken
out petitions to run for mayor this spring. Former
Mayor Joe Harrylip, who resigned this winter after
being found guilty by the Federales of having a stupid
accowtant, may yet throw his hat into the bull ring if
he can get out of jail in time.
Moosic-An obviously milk-shaken Yolanda Yogurt
pleaded innocent today to charges that she killed over
ten acres of living grass and plants this past year. Her
lawyer, Chelsea Rodham Cheese, defended her by
saying, "She was only doing what came natural-it's a
cultural thang' with cows. This falsie arrest is the
result of some bored to live zealots who have nothing
better to do than impose their beliefs on others. We
will take this leather case all the way to the Supremes
Court in Mootown if she is found guilty here."
Meanwhile, at another press cowference across town,
Chuck and Bull Conners the leaders of the Friends of
Plants group said, "Ms. Yogurt is nothing but a mass
murderer and cereal killer. All life is precious to us
and we will no longer stand idly by while these
overweight and gaseous cows wantonly destroy
innocent living grass and plants who have feelings just
like all living things do. Our lawyer, Rocky
Bullwinkle, will be seeking the death penalty to
discourage this crime in other crazed ruminants. Live
and Let Live?
...Murray The KKK will tie the knot with Matilda
The XXX on April Fools Day...
...Ursula Udders and Cari Creamery were engaged
during navel maneuvers aboard the U.S.S. Cowpins...
...Rocky Grazeiano has filed for divorce from Daisy
Chain on grounds that she physically abused him with
a bullwhip...
...Steven Semen graduated from P.C.U. at the top of
his classmates Magnum Cum Loudly...
...Fred Freezerwrap reports that his fiance Sally
Sirloin is recovering nicely from a knife attack that
occurred when she was shopping at the local A&P...
The Rich & Flatulent
Last month I went on tour to promote my new book, "A Hearing Aid Can Be A Sound Investment,"
and was shocked by the attitudes and behavior of those cows and bulls known as celebrities. This
herd of actors, athletes, moosicians, politicians, writers and other assorted meatia stars/assholes
live in a fantasy world far remooved from the average Joe and Bessie.
They are a sickly lot who because of fame and fortune believe they are better than us. Their
phoniness is in a class with Ma Bell and their arrogance is fueled by egos larger than the Milky
Way. We label them "stars" and they actually begin to think that their shit don't smell. Well,
the Guru Moo is here to tell you that it does smell and it smells much worse than yours or
mine. Let me incite you with some examples of the lardass star cretins I bumped into recently.
HARRY COWNICK, JR. was at JFK Airport and I watched as he was busted for having a weapon in
his luggage. After a night in jail he was released and later on his punishment for this crime was to
tape a Public Service Cowmercial on the dangers and penalties involved in carrying an unlicensed gun.
Celebrity crime does pay! You see most stars can afford high priced liars to get them off easy. The
average bovine in the field would be getting lesbianized in the local stockade for shoplifting a pair
of earrings. Not this chump. Perhaps the legal? system was afraid if they sent him to jail he would
BARF BROOKS, the popular COW singer was on the Opera Winnebago Show the same day I
was and he would not shut up about his new calf. He acted like he was the only bull in the
world to ever father a calf. He now of course wanted to quit show business so he could spend
more time with his little ones and be the greatest papa in the universe. Well goddamn Barf,
wouldn't all the hard working parents in the world love to quit their jobs and starve to death
with their young uns'? You see, most of the rich and flatulent can stop working at any time,
for any reason, because they have all our hard earned moolah to fall back on!
PAUL McCOWTNEY, Mr. Green Jeans himself, was on the boob tube the other day moaning about
the hole in the ozone. He then proceeded to outline yet another 40 city world tour! Hay Mr.
Environmental, jetting from city to city depletes the ozone and those concerts you plug aren't
powered by bovine gas. You use up more fossil fuel in a year than thousands of us do in a lifetime. As
Little Richard would tell you-SHUT UP!! You see, most stars who get up on the soapbox expousing
some cause could use a bath in their own pompous lather.
In cowclusion, those with special talents should only be
appreciated-not worshipped, overpaid or segregated from
the general populace in their fancy limoos and palatial
barns. A cow serving drinks at the local hay bar is just
as much a "star" as the bull pitching a shutout on national
TV. And one more thing, don't be fooled by their large
charity contributions. These are only for building tax
shelters and assuaging guilt. There would be no need for
moneyed charity if the wealth were distributed fairly and
they damn well know it.
Well dear bovines it's time to go. I see room service has just
sent up my third bale of hay for the day. I'm done loading up
my truck with a mixture of fertilizer and diesel fuel and
when the egg timer goes off I should be at the World Trade
Center in NYC having a real blast. Until next time?
If our bossy leader can't even control her own
daughter how can we expect her to run a nation of
restless and overworked cud chewers? The time has
come to put her out to pasture along with her mood
rings and dysfunctional first family. DAILY COW
believes that any attempt to stay in office should be
greeted with rapid impeachment hearings and if that
fails a high-tech lynching. Mrs. Cowleone brought us
much needed stability after Mrs. Cowpone's murder
but now our nation is the laughingstock of the world.
As to a replacement, DAILY COW thinks it's time for
a male to run the government. Never in our illustrious
and sweet-smelling herstory has a bull held any power
except that between his legs. Current females in the
running-Carol Barnette and Sister Souljew-will only
bring more loud mouthed confusion to the urgent
needs for the USOB to lead the Feed World into the
21st Century.
To this end we ask all readers of DAILY COW to
write in the name of a bull who you feel can lead us
out of the wilderness. All entries must be postmarked
by July 4, 1993 and the winner receives a cabinet post
if your prime choice is elected. Budda Bless Moo All!
As the 1990's coagulate a new form of violence is
sweeping the land faster than a sexually transmitted
disease at a Ham Radio Convention. This is the
pathetic outbreak of "drive-by" shootings of innocent
cows by rival gangs of calves fighting over turf. These
are wanton acts perpetrated on gas-guzzling tractors
by juvenile gangsteers who have more respect for
property than life.
In order to quell this violence, Daily Cow proposes
three emerguernsey bills for passage by Cowgress:
1. Ban the production and sale of bullets and
confiscate all amoo currently in use.
2. Put lithium in the water supply to improve the
mental health of our youngsteers and calm the jittery
general population.
3. Open up youth centers in every cowmunity to keep
these gangs off the fields and to help restore the spirit
of fun and games inherent to a healthy calfhood.
Until these measures are enacted we urge you stay in
your barns and order out for Chinese food. Let's make
the fields safe for cows to graze in again. It's a matter
of life and death.
A young bull doesnt automatically get my
respect. He has to get down in the dirt
and beg for it.
(Cherry Cowleone on her
numerous bullfriends)
"Some problems never get solved.
They just get older."
(President Cowleone on her daughter)
"You've got to take the bull
between your teeth."
(Samuel Goldwyn)
"The famous actress, the rock star, you never
see them vomit or take a shit; you never
smell their breath or their farts, or hear their
snores and trip over their pee-stained
underware. It's not a cow you're thinking
about; it's a plastic illusion."
(Debra Winger-Prayer)
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd at Manna Hill Farms
COWTRIBUTORS:The Cerfs, Gerald England, Mad
Dog, Angie Mickle, Janine Pap, Moo Pelf, David Puckett,
Robert Segarra, Mark Spitzer, T. Kilgore Splake, Paul
Weinman, Jay Woodman, Pablo Picowsso...
All unsigned articles by the Editor.
Cowwaspondence, artwork and written
submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
NAME: Tipper Gored (Buffet Betty)
BIRTHPLACE: Mammary Lane, Virginia
OCCUPATION: Chief Inspector Cow Pie Division U.S.D.A.
RELIGION: The Holy Drag Queens & Stock Car Racers of MD, Inc.
UDDER SIZE: Rated Triple XXX (No One Under 18 Admitted)
LAST SLEPT WITH: Fat Albert, Tiny Tim, Wilt Chambermaid, Marilyn Quayle
LIKES: Snowmoobiles, Bulls on Amphetamines, Fast Tractors
DISLIKES: Cowtex Tampons, Censorship, My 4 Calves, The Ozone Layer
FAVE MUSICIANS: GG Allin, Ice Tea, Flank Zappa, Cowsills, 1910 Fruit Gum Company
FAVE JOKE: How does a banker make love to his wife?
(He makes a quick deposit and then a small withdrawal!)
FANTASY: To build a boat and sail to Haiti and graze there forever!
NIGHTMARE: A matador misteaks me for a bull and kills me.
The headline in DAILY COW reads "Tipper Gored."
QUOTE: "Young calves can be obscene but should not party with the herd."
n the 50s Ginsbergs Howl echoed and rang across the land, haunting indictment of children screaming
under stairways! Boys sobbing in armies! Old men weeping in parks! verse revealing sterile cement,
aluminum metropolitan backdrop, impersonal silhouettes, skyscraper, factory, suburban housing tract
neighborhoods, opaque people sacrificing blood for money, life, soul, prisoner of banks and debt, imagination
numbed, overwhelmed by passing machine age, technology, beat poets epiphany of despair realized by only a
few, soon surrounded, their protests muted, quiet casualties to lost hope,
esterday, Antler, laboring in a can factory in Milwauke realized he could die without having read any
great, without climbing the highest or sailing the largest alone, without scrawling the great worms of my
dreams, declaring factories the real churches, Sears-Roebuck catalogs true scriptures, schools teaching young
future hands of labor that paychecks, no horizons except unemployment, welfare, ESPN, HBO, continuous
boozy poultrice, drinking strong ethers until momentarily free from chain fencing, enter, exit, no trespassing
signs, pale whistle of shift change siren,
oday, society of tortured citizens still leading narrow, painful lives, threatened by ever increasing
accumulation of debris, scattering of paper plates, styrene cups, discarded cans, plastic disposable
diapers, locking selves away nights like penitentiary inmates, acid rain, poisoned fish, fruit, vegetables, toxic
wastes, forest continuously giving way to cleared land, new housing developments, future strip cities, Global
Village of Howard Johnsons, Holiday Inns, Dairy Queens, Colonel Sanders, shopping mall sameness, soon an
end to variety, when all becomes familiar, predictable, docile, complacent people,
leeping bag, backpack, book pack well provisioned and secure by backdoor, ready for the day of the dark
laughless clowns, when black circus of apocalypse comes to town, hiking boots and keen eye to follow
winged savior, irregular flight of hawk, owl, dove somewhere off the map into unknown wilderness sanctuary,
helping me survive, make warm, snug nest, abode, calmed by hum of wings, soft melodies, alone in cool evening
mists, hoping to gain wisdom of the old trout, working on the perfect poem, words that will say it all in one fine
(*Hopi Indian word for world out of order.)
By T. Kilgore Splake
These wonderful cowtoons were
submitted by David Puckett who grazes
in Cave City, Kentucky. He is no relation
to Gary or Kirby Puckett.
These cowtoons came from the hands, heart
and brain of Robert Segarra. He grazes on
the sidewalks of Brooklyn, New York.
For the sophisticated cow For the discriminating cow
Patriot cows take to the streets
The Bovine
What are people saying about the
Bovine Gazette?
The Bovine Gazette is one magazine
that mommy and I like to read
together. Who is this Mad Dog fella
anyway? (An ex-President)
A truly manly comic book. Theres
nothing wimp like about it.
(Wally Dingo author of the bestseller
Hold Me, Hold My Manhood.)
Only $1 per issue or a 6 issue
subscription for $5. All checks
and mail to: S.C. Taylor, Mad Dog
Productions, P.O. Box 2263,
Pasadena, CA 91102
Mad Dog, another real nice
fella, was kind enough to
send us some samples from
The Bovine Gazette for our
cowtoon section. Look for
more in the future!
a. goes back
to basics
b. to get down
for up-close
c. with buxom
barnyard tits
I. he swears off burgers
pepperoni & dogs
II. dedicates life to
Veganism & self-
The cow jumped over the moon
The dish ran away with the spoon
But it had to stop when they got caught
by an American and a Russian cosmonaut
who ate the beast
at the first lunar feast.
(Michael Cleaver on the organ of
St. Peter Mancroft, Norwich)
The quiet
The cud-chewing cow
The sense
of no impending
the bull running wild
The massive
is built
reaches climax
Calf-producing coitus
The peaceful
The time of maturation
Paul Weinman, AKA White Boy
(WB) grazes in Albany, New York
and is a frequent contributor to
every zine on the planet.
RV Romans In Aluminum Sided
Chariots Secreting Lactic Lust
descending from their Winnebago Olympus
a larded family from suburban Milwaukee
steps to KOA earth
as would a bovine herd
of bloated jolly Armstrongs
legs of gelatinous wobblepork
arms of varicose blubber
they erect a Pygmalion shrine
to sanguine slabs o steak
on sizzling
grease capped coals
moo moo mooing
they strut about the charcoal
digestive acids bubbling volcanic
then the first kiss of Pepsi nectar
the initial caress of cupcake bliss
opiates tantalize intestinal linings
there is orgasm of esophagi
like new-to-puberty boys
ejaculating in Sears cotton undershorts
at the sight of candy lipped school girls
bopping promiscuous pendulums
the mutton of pale skin veiled buttocks
thrive carnivores thrive!
cataclysm glutcattle cannibals
of salivary nymphoglands
everstarving the fast fuck of food
metabolism my ass!
There once was a man who was horny
And who slept every night most forlornly;
But since he married a cow,
He gets milk on the house
And his Saturday nights arent lonely.
The herd sauntered over
To some more inviting
Spot in their field.
Only one sad cow
Was left behind,
Rooted where she stood.
With morose brown eyes,
She gazed at her calf
Which would not rise.
Her legs sagged, her
Head hung, with hurt and
Miserable incomprehension.
Ive lived on this farm all my life. Ive
seen other animals come and go. Im the oldest
cow here, and back when I was still alive and
bovine, they still kept me around even though I
hadnt been producing as much milk as in my
younger days. I think Fred-thats the farmer-
had grown fond of me. After all, I was his first
They had been letting me come and go
as I please, although the younger cows were on
a rather tight schedule. They had to be milked
more often. I preferred the cool evenings in the
summer to the hot, sticky days in the barnyard.
I had more space to roam then, too. I liked to
watch the fireflies and the occasional truck
passing by or human walking around.
I t was
on one of these evenings when I saw a man
walk by. He approached the farm and looked
around. Maybe hes from the city, I thought.
Perhaps hes never seen a real live cow
before, I snickered to myself. He came over to
the fence, Hello! I called out. To humans,
this translates to Moooooo. The man looked
up. Whatcha don? I asked. Going out for a
stroll? Imagine my surprise when he
responded-humans simply do NOT understand,
much less respond to, cows.
No, he said, sounding annoyed, I am
looking for food.
Well, Im nobodys hamburger, OK?
Youre barking up the wrong tree, You can get
a good salad at the local diner, though, if you
go down the road...
I dont want a salad or a hamburger! he
yelled. His voice was the loudest I had ever
heard. I wondered why Fred didnt hear it. I
dont eat that kind of food. Come here. He
didnt say it, but I felt it, Come here, come
I walked over to the fence. Oh myhe
looked rather disgusting. He looked sort of
shriveled, and very white with long brown hair
which was quite messy. He smelled different
than Fred and the farm hands. He didnt smell
human at all. Whats wrong with you? I
asked. You look sick.
I have not fed, he responded. I have
been hiding for weeks and I have not fed.
Hiding from what? Are you in trouble with the
law? I asked. Ignorant, he hissed. The law,
ha. No, I might as well tell you what I am...I
have been from vampire hunters.
I knew what a vampire was. Surely youre
joking, I said. You dont mean to tell me
youre a vampire? Dont be foolish. Its been
a long time since Ive been forced to take the
blood of an animal, but Im in a great hurry and
I need my strength. After that he leaped over
the fence.
I ran, I ran
as fast as I could. He quickly caught up with
me. I tried to trample him, but he held me back.
He knocked me to the ground. I tried to call
out, to moo, but I was powerless. I felt a sharp
stab in my flesh, very painful, then I felt warm
and calm. I felt my blood flowing, and I felt the
vampire becoming stronger as I got weaker.
(continued next page)
Finally, after it seemed like hours had passed, I
saw him, tall and gleaming in the moonlight of
the barnyard. A vampire cow, he whispered.
It would be amusing. Hmmmm...I dont think
its been done before. Yes, Ill do it. He took his
long fingernail and opened up his wrist...I saw
the blood. I didnt want to take it, but I was
weak, very weak as he put his arm up to my
mouth. I slurped at it, I drank as much as I could.
When it was over, he told me that I was a
vampire cow. Stay out of the sun, he told me,
and drink blood. Then, before I could ask any
questions, he was gone.
That night I just walked around. I had the
strength of three cows. I felt young again, young
as a calf. The next day, I slept and no one
bothered me. I woke up that evening and I knew
I had to feed. But on what? A human? Another
cow? First I took a chicken. Easy, but not nearly
enough. I decided that I must have a human.
I knew that humans drove by the dirt road in
their cars. I easily scaled the barnyard fence
(wondering why I could never do it before) and
stood in the middle of the road, creating a bovine
roadblock. Soon enough, a neighboring farmer
drove up. Move it! he yelled. He stopped the
car, got out, and tried to shove me out of his way.
Thats when I took him. This is for that steak
you had for dinner! That was my friend! When
I was done, I went back into the barn.
It was then that I realized I needed to be
milked. Badly. I decided to call for Fred.
MOOOOOOOO, I said, as loud as I could.
Fred came out to the barn. What is it, Moni? he
said to me. Do you need to be milked? Yes,
Fred is so perceptive. He milked me the old-
fashioned way, by hand (not machine). He got
the bucket and started. Thats when I realized my
milk did NOT LOOK NORMAL. In fact, it was
red. Uh-oh.
Fred noticed this too. In fact, he jumped
back and stopped milking. He called to one of
the farmhands. Bill! Come here, Ive never seen
anything like this. Monis milk is RED...looks
like blood! I know shes getting old, but this is
crazy, Im going to call the vet tomorrow.
When the vet did come the next day, I
was asleep. He tried to wake me up. The barn
was dark, though, so I was OK. The vet decided
that I was just an old cow and that it was time to
put me to sleep. I was not worried. He stuck a
needle into me and said it would take an hour. A
few days later, Fred figured out that I wasnt
dead yet (fast thinker, this Fred) and called the
vet back. I took the vet and fed on him before he
had a chance to reexamine me.
Its easy to be a vampire cow in the barn-
yard. I feed mostly on humans, the occasional
horse or chicken, and once I took a heifer who
was annoying me. Fred remarked how I must be
the worlds longest living cow, but he pretty
much left me alone. He milked me by machine,
though. I always waited until he wasn't looking,
spilled out my blood-red milk and replaced it
with normal milk from another cow.
Freds son took over the farm eventu-
ally. He though that I was actually the daughter
of Moni the cow that he remembered from child-
hood. After that, many farmers took over and I
never had a problem with any of them. In other
words a problem that couldnt be resolved or
disposed of. However, its getting boring here
right now. Ive been here for many, many years.
I think I want to travel. Maybe Ill go to Mexico.
I hear the weathers nice there. Or Europe! No,
maybe Ill go to India, where a cow can get some
RESPECT. People might look at me funny, trav-
eling cows arent too common. Thats OK, I can
take care of them. No problem. Moooo....
Nor-Les Minas Mayor a 2 1/2 year old Guernsey
bull owned by Frank Castro of Tracy, California
gets in the groove when allowed to listen to the
juke box at a roadside cafe not far from his corral.
Here, he taps his hoofs, swishes his tail and
bellows at a Perry Comoo recording of Dont Let
The Stars Get In Your Eyes, his favorite tune.
(6/22/53 Wide World Photos)
I have hardly written anything lately
and the overwhelming guilt of this fact has
compelled me to write an article about one
of my favorite subjects-COWS. This article is
based on my many experiences with the
beef cattle in my backyard. So here it goes.
Cows are one of the if not the most
intelligent species on the earth. Laugh,
guffaw, turn the page if you will but heed
my words. Dont worry they are not going to
band together and try to take over the
world-they know far too much to do
anything as silly and time-consuming as
They are not a violent species. Few
cows attempt to break out of pastures. Why
you may ask? Well the answer is not that
they are too fat, slow, or not strong enough
to do so. The answer is that about 98% of
the bovine population is content. Yes,
content. Content with the pasture, the food,
and with their seemingly insignificant and
brief lives.
They are far ahead of humans in
many ways, especially along the lines of
morality and humanity. For instance, I give
you the question, Have you ever seen a
materialistic cow? The inevitable answer is,
of course not. Cows dont care what the hell
they look like, what they smell like, what
they step in, what they lick, or where they
shit. I ask you WHY CANT HUMANS
A cows ways are the only logical
ways. Yes, of course they know that they
are going to die and that their lives have
absolutely no impact upon Anything (with
the possible exception of the real meat/
soybean ratio of hamburger composition)
grass, snort, shit, sleep, chew cud and just
learn to enjoy their relatively meager
existence while they can. They seem to
know almost instinctually the age old lesson
that its not the exterior that counts, but the
interior. Another possible reason for their
contentment could be their belief in or
knowledge of an afterlife of some sort. I
guess that they must have something to
look forward to beyond their present dismal
reality (besides laying between two buns
and smothered in grease.)
My only hope is that I shall one day
become a cow, and look past trivial external
appearances with my deep, dark eyes and
know the souls of others, and not be afraid
to show my own.
By Angie Mickel
(Angie Mickle and her friend Gretchen
Holcombe produce a great zine called
Seamonkeys From Guatemala . Its
availabull for $1 and stamps by writing
them at 2504 Birmingham Road, Canton,
GA 30114. Angie also kicks the pigskin for
field goals and extra points with her high
school football team (no bull).
The average person in the USA eats one-half ton of
cheese in a lifetime.
The average cow in the USA produces 14,737
pounds of milk and 455 pounds of butterfat.
There are 207 bones in a cows body and 206 bones
in a human body.
A cow grazes by curling her tongue around the
grass, rather than by nibbling it like a horse. She will
probably eat 100 pounds of grass in a day.
Heavy milk producing cows may drink as much as
35 gallons of water a day.
The average cows temperature is 101.5 degrees
A cows heart weighs about 5 pounds and must
pump 400 pints of blood through the udder to
produce one pint of milk!
(Source: About Cows by Sara Rath and Udders)
I speak of faith in McDonalds as if it were a
religion. And without meaning offense to the Holy
Trinity, the Koran or the Torah. Thats exactly the
way I think of it. Ive often said that I believe in
God, family and McDonalds-and in the office, that
order is reversed. (Ray Kroc)
How do today's college graduates say hello?
(Welcome to McDonalds.)
What do you call a fast food place run by a rodent
and a duck? (MickeyDonalds)
What do you call a cow with five legs? (A bull)
How can you tell President Clinton apart from a
cow? (By the wise look in the cows eyes)
What kind of test do you give to a parrot that you
think is lying? (A polygraph)
Have you herd that Yoko Ono is now selling her
deceased husbands bedding under the brand name
of John Linens.
Im almost afraid to mention this one because the
print ad has a TM everywhere. Anyway, its a
Saturday morning cartoon that debuted in the Fall of
1992 and features characters with names like Moo
Montana, Cowlorado Kid, Mayor Bulloney, Sheriff
Terrorbull and Lily Bovine. Ive taped 12 episodes
(for my personal use only for your legal folks at R.E.
Bee, Inc.) but have only had time to watch two
shows and did enjoy it.
Im waiting for the merchandise to hit the shelves
(same corporate folks who brought us Ninja Turtles)
but dont think that its going to be a hit in either
form. Little kids dont like cows-only adults with
lots of kidding in them do!
1. Every population explosion of every species is
fueled by consuming its habitat.
2. All environmental problems are over-population
3. The carrying capacity of planet Earth is limited to
approximately one billion humans.
4. Every human pregnancy is another waste of
valuable human resources.
5. There are no shortages on planet Earth. There are
only human longages.
(The above simple statements come from the Over
Population Awareness Newsletter and you can
receive a free copy by writing to them at P.O. Box
40218, St. Paul, MN 55104. This is truly the
biggest problem facing planet Earth not gaseous
cows and politicians.)
Cattle and cattle products are always cool,
healing and fertilizing. The ox is the god with a wet
nose. Among the Cape Nguni in particular men and
women make necklaces from the hair of their family
cattle to keep them healthy. Cattle dung is a cooling
and healing agent, and the chyme and gall-bladder of
a sacrificed beast have powerful beneficent
Like other cool agencies, cattle are also directly
and positively associated with female fertility, as in
the Zulu origin myth according to which the first
men were belched up by a cow.
Callaway commented, It is a saying among the
natives when they see an exquisitely handsome man,
or when they wish to flatter a chief...He was not
born; he was belched up by a cow.
Other Zulu reports show how these associations
are played upon. A woman conceives and gives
birth in the tenth month. So does a cow. It conceives
and calves in the tenth month. So a cow is like a
Cattle are at risk from hot women, but the
fertility of a girl brings cattle to her father...the
private parts of a girl are often referred to as
fathers cattle, in reference to the price the bride
will secure for her.
The Venda says that when a young man marries,
his bride should sleep with his father for the first few
nights, since a child cannot open a cattle-kraal.
Excerpt From: Wives For Cattle by Adam Kuper
The government maintains old-age homes for
over half a million cows that are too frail or ill to
roam the streets. The animals are housed, fed and
cared for at government expense. When foreigners
have questioned the costs involved in managing
nursing homes for cows in India, the Hindu retort is
equally incredulous; Will you then send your
mother to a slaughterhouse when she gets old?
(Editors Note: Jeffrey Dahmer would!)
Excerpt From: Beyond Beef by Jeremy Rifkin
EVERYTHING COWS/David Mooey finally got a
SlimLine cow phone and Everything Cows is where
he found it. A great store with many unique items,
decent prices and excellent service. Their cowtalog
showcases enough items for any cowaholic to binge
on! For a free cowtalog write: Everything Cows,
P.O. Box 1019, Stowe, VT 05672. As I always say
when Im on the phone, Get the cows off the fields
and into your home or apartment today!
ADOPT-A-COW/There are currently 2350 dairy
farms in Vermont and Adopt-A-Cow is a not for
profit corporation that is registered with the State of
Vermont and exists to help support the farm
cowmunity. The money you donate will be returned
in the form of grants to groups that help keep farms
alive. Thus spake MOOLISA, the official
spokescow for Adopt-A-Cow, as we chatteled on the
cow phone one day.
My $50 donation got me an info-pak, adoption
certificate and a Woody Jackson t-shirt. Im now a
Vermont Foster Farmer (and they dont even do a
background check!) in the City of Passaic.
For more information on how you can help please
write MOOLISA at: Adopt-A-Cow, RR #3 Box
5190, Montpelier, VT 05602.
PSYCHO DAIRY FARM by Steve Phillips/This
is a 100 pages of barnyard cowtoons that any reader
of Daily Cow would enjoy. Hes on the same
wavelength as Gary Larson and you can find this
funny book of cowtoon strips at your local
mainstream bookstore for $8.
COW by Bert Sterchi/This is a novel published in
the USA in 1998 translated from the Swiss where it
came out in 1983. A 353 page masterpiece which
follows a cow named Blosch and an immigrant
worker named Ambrosio. Its an invigorating read
about beasts and men, about how they prey upon
each other and upon themselves. This is a serious
book but any cow lover would enjoy it.
I just received my #8/Summer 1992 Daily Cow.
What a terrific graze!
I was delighted to see some information on Green
Acres. At last I can come out of the closet. I love
Green Acres and I bet many of your readers do to.
Please include more trivia and minutiae on this
delightful show. The monks at the monastery of
Kakpuri near Lhasa, Tibet believe that those who
understand the nature of Green Acres, understand
the texture of the universal Tao. Ommmmmm.
Peter B. Smith
Bay City, Oregon
(Nick At Nite sent me into a deep depression last
December 1992 by taking Green Acres off the air.
However, I did manage to get nearly all the
episodes on tape. There will be more Green Acres
in upcoming issues. Rumor has it that Elvis was
tuned to Green Acres when the dead letter office
claimed him.)
Lisa Suckdog talked about pushing sleeping cows
over in the middle of the night. Is this something that
can be done or was Lisa bullshitting the ignorant
urban masses?
I remember riding a half grown cow around a field
one afternoon when I was drunk and it was fun. Why
dont people ride grown cows? When I asked the
farmer about this (after he told me to get the fuck off
his cow) he told me to leave and never come back.
So I still dont know why we ride horses but dont
ride cows.
Larry Oberc
Chicago, Illinois
(In a recent cowlumn Ann Landers said you can
tip waiters, but not cows. She should know-she
knows about damn near everything there is to
know. Mr. Ed once suggested humans ride cows
instead of horses but changed his mind when it
took Wilbur two hours riding a cow to bring his
feed back from the store. He should know as Mr.
Ed knows more than fuckin Ann Landers.)
Although I was doubtful that your celebration of
cattle could possibly live up to its lofty aspirations, I
find myself more amused than bewildered when
reading the cowlection of back issues.
Now you have me thinking in terms of cows and
stuff but I cant imagine what I could come up with
that you havent already done but here goes.
Why do some people protest when you amputate
digits from their feet? They are lack toes intolerant!
Why is milk good for your bones? Cowsium!
Its dangerous to read Daily Cow all at once.
Gary Hallock
Austin, Texas
(Pun lovers must subscribe to Garys excellent
publication Pun Intended. Subs are $8/year/4
issues. Write to Gary at 1124-A Clayton Lane,
Austin, TX 78723.)
I recall as a small calf being taken to the local
stockyard where a huge replica of a cow was
displayed. It was so huge that you could walk
through it and see how milk was produced and listen
to its mechanical heartbeat. That was in the mid
1950s. I wonder where that display is now?
David Puckett
Cave City, Kentucky
(Last I herd Dave, Zsa Zsa was in Hollyweed
slapping cops upside the head and dating Merv
Dance Fever Griffin between divorcing her
many husbands. She was that cow you speak of in
the 1950s!)
When I was a lad growing up in Fullerton, Nebraska
my dad taught Vo-Ag and we had a few cows and I
grew up using dried cowpies as toys!
I would find large ones, small ones and some slides
and construct tanks out of them to play WAR. I
would make a few of them, stand back a respectable
distance and lob dry dirt clouds at them, simulating
very dusty explosions from tank battles that Id seen
as a good and patriotic young American from
moovies such as Patton and Battle of the Bulge.
So in addition to Cow Flop Bingo and Cow Chip
Tossing, I believe there is great potential in cowpies
as childrens toys.
Kearney, Nebraska
(Sounds like good, clean fun to me Cap. And I
thought I had a happy childhood. We should get
together someday soon and construct a giant
cowpie and drop it on Washington, DC. On second
thought, I dont think they would even notice it.)
Everywhere I turn I see stuff about cows. Cow wind
chimes, cow mail boxes, etc. Is there a kind of cow
religion going on or what?
Cows make me smile. I love those big, peaceful,
chewing things!
Belinda Subraman
El Paso, Texas
(To quote Jeremy Rifkin, Today more people eat
at McDonalds in a month than attend the
churches and synagogues of this country. Some
of us worship the sacred cow but sadly most of us
partake of the commodity cow.)
Your rags came today and I wasted my precious
eyesight reading them. Cows aint funny unless they
are drawn, quartered and syndicated. All I can say is
dont lose that day job buddy boy. Life is not a grand
piano so stop tinkling in my territory!
Gary Larson
Far Side, California
(And I was going to start a fan club for you! If the
shoe fits, step in the manure you inspired my
[Letters may be condensed but they are
never skimmed over by Mr. Editor.]
The Archives
Additional feedback and archive materials were
received from Anthony J. (Big Tuna) Accardo, Trish
Davis, Mike Thain, Greg Oliver, Joe Sheets, T.
Kilgore Splake, David Deming, Judith Mielke,
Valerie Gancarz, Peter Vielbig, Rodney Leighton,
Donald Stay, Vic Stanley, Marian Vivinetto, Linda
Hedges and many others whose name I forgot to
write down (but did write back with thanks just like
my mother taught me to.) Keep these letters and cow
clippings coming. The Daily Cow Archives are
growing like a fungus!
The Zine
Daily Cow is published during slow periods of graze
which these days is about once or twice a year. This
issue can be had for $1 cash, 3/29 cent stamps, zine
trade, cow clipping or 1/2 pint of milk. Back issues
#1-#8 are always availabull for the same price per
issue as this one is.
The Agenda
Daily Cow believes that your diet, wardrobe and
product purchases are your own personal concern.
We love moo all regardless of your consumption
habits. The cow is sacred in whatever form it takes.
Daily Cow is not for profit and its only reward is
making you laugh.
The mother of all countries now offers prime time
acreage for any cow who wants to enjoy pest free
grazing. The United Nations recently sanctioned two
"No Fly Zones" here to help alleviate the global
problem of mosqueto (sic) violence against cows.
In the North you can live among the Kurds and whey
as much as you like. In the South live among the
Shiites and enjoy their world famous cowflop
houses. Also, alcohol is no longer banned in this
Mooslem nation so the countryside gets bombed
quite frequently. Enjoy gallon drinks at the 36th
Parallel Bar and limber up for the "Angry Hour" at
the 32nd Parallel Bar.
Make your tail a happy tail and moove to the world's
only "No Fly Zone" in sunny Iraq. May you graze in
peace. It's the lease we can do for you!
c/o BCCI International Bank
P.O. Box B-52
Hitler, TX
Are you suffering from Lactose Intolerance, Moo-
diness, Compulsive Overeating, Dahmer Fantasies,
Fear of Frying, Psycowsis, see no future, depressed
about that job? Do you tell sick jokes like-"What do
they call road kill in Dallas? (Answer: Mr. President).
Does your life have no porpoise and are you about
to Flipper out? Are you having sexual problems? Are
you one of the numerous celebrity cows and bulls
now boring us with your tails of calf abuse? Are you
a hair colorist and feel you are part of a dyeing
If you answered yes to any of the above than I can
help you. My name is Dr. Jack Off Cowforkin and I
have an amazing machine that was invented by a
youth in Asia concerned about human overbreeding.
It will cure you of any illness forever. Just lay down
on my leather couch and get plugged into the total
cure. No long and torturous bull sessions to whine
about your past, present or future. My new machine
therapy is fast, clean and efficient. It will render you
cured and has a lifetime guarantee or your moolah is
cheerfully refunded. Call me now and put and end to
your problems. No smokers need apply.
Cowfidentiality Guaranteed
Certified Cow Needed To Be A Wet Nurse To
Human Baby-Live inside or outside but must have
been born on Earth. No aliens need apply. Contact
DAILY COW c/o Zoe Bairdbrain.
Attention Moovie Mooguls: Acting jobs needed
desperately. We are starving, please help us!
Contact DAILY COW c/o Sally Struthers or Isaac
formerly of Love Boat.
Position Wanted as Loop Manufacturer or Bombing
Expert - Will trade arms for jobs. Have excellent
vision and many points of lightheadedness. Contact
DAILY COW c/o George Bull.
Whos Sari Now has a need for salescows to push
our new line of bovine evening wear. Contact DAILY
COW c/o Warren Piece.
Packer needed to box cowpies in Green Bay,
Wisconsin. Prophet sharing, super bulls much
preferred. Contact DAILY COW c/o Vince Lombardi.
Suckers needed to support new review zine. Send
your money and forget about refunds or common
courtesy if we cant get our manure together.
Contact DAILY COW c/o Sheldon Goldberg or
Hudson Luce.
Happy St. Valentines Day Al Cowpone wherever
you are. Thanks for the Bloody Red Mascara. Love,
your brother Ralph Bottles Cowpone.
Looking for lost bullfriend who goes by the
nicknames of Nicholas Nickleby, Nick Knickers or
Nick Nixon. Contact Hefty Hanna or Sexy Sadist at
Bitch, Bitch, Bitch! Hay Liposuction Lizzie you are a
fruit-flavored mincing ice covered heap of placenta.
You are the biggest piece of sentimental vomit of all
time and as cowculating as dental floss. Sorry it
didnt work out. Best regards always from your ex,
Impotent Ivan The Terrorbull.
Above is my niece Tara Cerf who started cowlege
at the University of Vermont this fall. She is
studying to be a psycowlogist and says her first
patient on the cowch will be Uncle David in hopes
of curing his strange cow obsession.
Above is my brother-in-law Dean Cerf with his
favorite patient a cow named Sarah Ellen. Dean
is the #1 Veternarian/Taxidermist in Bergen
County whose motto is, Well get your pet home
one way or the other.
Produced by Sam Phillips; written by Kokomo Arnold
Sun 215/1955/Did not make pop chart
Going on thirty-five years later, and it still worksthat corny start,
Elvis mewling like some hokey country bluesman (see, he could
have gone to Harvard), then breaking off to command, Hold it,
fellas, that dont move me. Lets get real, real gone for a change,
before crashing into a jumped up, hiccuping version of the same
tune. Had Sam Phillips subtitled it History Lesson Number One,
the point couldnt have been clearer. Or more irrefutable.
Theres a hole in the sky!
SAN ANTONIO-The Great Barnyard War lasted six months and six days and
ended on the sixth day of June at 6:06 a.m. It was at a fort called the Alamoo that
the last bloody battle was fought between 5,000 Mexicows and a renegade band
of 187 chickens and pigs. Animals were slaughtering animals all over the world
and man was on the sidelines cheerleading and chowing down on the casualties.
Cowmander in Chief Y.A. Tittle kept threatening to throw a methane bomb to the
ozone and El Presidente Porque Puerco only egged him on by squealing, "go
ahead and make my hay." The skies grew very dark the last few days and most
acreage was now burned beyond eating. Death and destruction ruled the
barnyard as the animal world inched closer to a song by the Fat Lady
accompanied by the sickening strains of violence. At Yellowstone National Park
Yogi Berra was catching a few ultraviolet rays and managed to say, "it's over."
Bossy Leader Donna Cowleone had, of course, taken refuge in a CIA (Cow
Intelligence Agency) bunker ten feet underground with her husband Ellsworth
when the fighting first erupted. Her dePressed Secretary John D. Loudermilk
released a statement that in part said, "I will be making phone calls for a new
barnyard order and when the menu is read to me I will order peace for one and
for all. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Gotti go to the John now!"
There seemed to be no Hope or Crosby as the animal world bobbed and bingoed
towards the eve of destruction. The blood shed was open and the tools of death
were carving up the land like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Meanwhile at the Alamoo the war transvestited on. But on a cloudy June day the
earth shook and the pungent odor of spoonerisms filled the air. From whey deep
beneath the ground a giant cow burst forth and on its body were six udders, six
horns and six markings proclaiming the arrival of MOOses. The great beast/
savior bellowed forth for all the world to hear, "This wallpaper is killing me, one of
us has to go! How the hell can I sleep with all this ruckus going on! Lay down
your weary tune and play with me the sounds of silence!"
And low and behold MOOses brought them all together at the Alamoo. The cow
with no udder, the chicken with no head, the pig with no belly, the horse with no
name and the man with no hands. And MOOses took the power of speech from
them and gave it to the grass, the plants, the trees and the dirt. And MOOses
took the power of thought from them and gave it to the water, the hard/soft rocks
and the sky. And the war ceased to be.
And in a flash of thunder MOOses was gone as the ground swallowed her up
with a big bang. Atop a mound of earth was a little business card which the cow
with no udder read before the powers of speech and thought left her: "Alphonse
Caponela, Second-Hand Furniture Dealer, 2222 S. Wabash."
And they were dumbfounded...
Cover Story-Page 1
Pix-Page 2, 4
Cow News-Page 3,5
Muse-Page 6
Cowmentary-Page 7
DailyStud-Page 8
Cow Stories-Page 9, 10
Cowetry-Page 11, 12
Cowtoons-Page 13
Green Acres-Page 14, 15
Kale-Page 16
Alfalfa-Page 17
Feedback-Page 18,19
Cowmercials-Page 20
Boviniac-Page 21
Back Cover-Page 22
Originally Published Summer 1992
Digitally Remastered Winter 2001
Thats A Lot of Bull
by Rush To Judgment
The sky will be crying.
Watch out for flash floods.
The rocks will be rolling.
Watch out for landslides.
The grass is burned.
WHEN BOSSY COMES MARCHING HOME: Seen above in a reflective
mood are Kirby and Gary Puckett (twins) after returning from Minnesota
where they fought at the Union Gap. Many of their New Jersey comrades in
udders did not return with them.
We Remember The Fallen
Jules Heiffer, Moozart, Garry Moore,
Stockyard Channing, Cybull Shepherd, Zero
Moostel, Georigia Pullman, James Earl Hay,
Margie Mazola, Lisa Crummie, John Oates,
Ravi Shankar, Meadowlark Lemon, Hayley
Mills, Jayne Mansfield, Kim Fields, Studs
Terkel, Jimmy Roughage, James Harness,
Sylvia Porterhouse, Bill Dickey, Catherine
Oxenberg, Jayne Meadows, Emily Post,
Meatloaf, Dave Cowens, Neville Brand,
Phyliss Shoofly, Fanny Farmer, Earl Butz,
Paul Sanka, Joe Adcock, Perry Comoo,
Bully Martin, Jose Tartabull...
Las Vegan-The first recorded marriage between
homoosexual bulls took place today in a city known
more for its gambulling then its attention to social
change. The Honorabull Rev. Zorro joined Huey and
Wayne Newton into a state of heavenly matrimoony at
the backdoor entrance to Donald Rump's Browbeat
Cowsino where the two had first met at a crap table.
The happy cowple exchanged golden nugget nose
rings and looked very smart in their rawhide tuxedos.
The wedding party consisted of Best Bull Steve
McQueen, Maid of Honor Joan Bias and Ring Bearer
Molly Ringworm. The grooms father's Sir Isaac who
sired Huey and Liberace who sired Wayne were both
there with bells on to give their offspring away.
In the brief butt-moving ceremony, Rev. Zorro
proclaimed, "Love is the state we all wish to reside in
and as such let no one condom alternate lifestyles
because what is natural for one may not be natural for
another. We must breed tolerance and respect for all
and not get bogged down in the finger painting
rhetoric of hate." He then joined their tails together
and pronounced them married.
The reception was held at the Taurus Civic Center
where over 2,000 guests pranced to the cement-mixing
moosic of Jimmy Hoffa & His End Zone Band. The
gala celebration was also the occasion for the start of
a new grass roots organization called "Bulls Loving
Other Bulls" (BLOB) which will help other studs to
come out of the silo. While it is estimated that 10% of
the bull population is gay, most have been reluctant to
show their true colors. BLOB founder John Hancock
was busy at an end table gathering large signatures for
a petition to be presented to USOB officials seeking
legislation to end discrimination against gay bulls.
After finishing their oxtail soup and figs, the groom
and groom slipped out a rear door and caught a freight
plane to Cape Town, South Africa for their
honeymooon. Our best wishes go out to these
sodbusters, may they live happily heifer after.
Passaic-A local Guernsey who is six months pregnant
apparently lost control of her cattlelac yesterday and
smashed into the Mayor's office. Luckily, no one was
hurt but card-playing city officials said the mayor was
very upset at losing his inside straight when the crash
demolished the mahogany table and scattered the
player's hands.
The driver, Ernestine Tubbs, had just returned from
cow-a-bungee jumping over the Great Falls in
Paterson and was said to be driving erratically. She
was admitted to Bullwinkle Cowspital where her
lawyer said she and her embryo were tied down and
heavily sedated.
Deputy Police Chief Isaac Asimoov said the mayor
and his cronies were rushed to the Meadowlands to
finish up their card game and his office boarded up so
curious citizens would not notice the strange lack of
activity there. The driver will be charged with
obstructing injustice and feckless endangerment.
Madrid-El Cordobes, the greatest bullfighter of all
time, died last week after overdosing on red wine at
the home of his girlfriend Sylvia Porterhouse. In 1965
El Cordobes was in the ring 115 times and never lost.
He retired in 1967 after he was gored for the 20th
time. The length of all his scars were said to be three
times the size of his waist. He was once quoted as
saying, "Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody
wants to die."
As stated in his will, El Cordobes' body will be placed
upright in a Styrofoam casket with wheels and be first
in line for the 52nd Annual Run of the Bulls in Madrid
next week. What is left of him will then be creamated
and his ashes scattered over the Red Sea. He left a
fortune of 35 million in gold bullion to his lifelong
companion, a parrot named Clarence Birdseye.
Above is Mary Baker Uddy whose Science & Milk with
Key to the Feedlots, has healed thousands of bovines by
offering a new and radical religion which eschews
veterinary care.
Jersey Joe Walcott seen here with friends. Also known
as Arnold Cream he has butchered over 50 cows in the
past month as is said to eat his victims. Authorities
hoped to catsup with him at a steak out last week but
he escaped in a Lea & Perrins delivery van.
Calf star Barbie Cue was helped by the famous
Vietnam Vet Dean Stockwell after she tripped and
broke a leg before going on stage for the hit show, A
Splendor In The Grass.
Bossy Leader Donna Cowleone shows her best side for
her official portrait. One of her many handlers, Captain
Beefheart, recently tried to convince her that
cowpattylism has failed and must go the route of
cowmunism. Her reply, When frogs have wings, pass
the Halcion and dont squeeze so hard.
STYVILLE-With an upraised finger, Federal Bank
Regulator Armand Hammer declared The George
Harrison Savings & Loan broke and then shattered it
into many little pieces. Thus the futures of many a hog
in this already depressed town were destroyed.
Bank President Bossy Tweed and his wife Shannon
were said to be laughing in Hamburg, Germany after
officials filed extradition papers crediting them with
greediness, fraud and living high on the hog without
the necessary receipts.
At the bank three little pigs pulled hamstring muscles
in the rush to get their life savings out. Ten angry sows
were hogtied when they tried to go through a tiny slot
on the roof. Behind a cordon of blue pork barrels,
armed pig police prevented former depositers from
entering and with bullhorns blaring, kept repeating
that there was nothing left inside but a few loose
This is the ninth piggy bank that has knuckled under
this year. Many swine across the country have been
left rolling in the mud and eating the slop of a
government that today only produces executive,
judicial and legislative stupidity. An Ad-Hock
Committee is being formed by Virginia Hamster of
Treadwheel, Georgia in hopes of finding better ways
for pigs to save their money.
Jose Cansecow became very ill after eating artificial
turf in Seattle. Will be placed on 21 day disabulled
The San Diego Chicken is booked for indecent
exposure after laying an egg in LA and blames Pee
Wee Herman TV show for misdeed...
Oliver & Jay North sentenced to prison work farm.
Both said to be menace to society after conviction for
shredding Holy Cows at Wilson Farm...
Grandma Mooses paints self into coroner and dies.
Autopsy shows cause of death to be lead poisoning...
Cowpernicus discovers new planet on edge of Milky
Way. Planet to be called Janet...
Prince Albert was canned by Borden, Inc. last month
for skimming milk profits...
Garfield The Cat nabbed after mauling udders for
milk. Hires attorney-at-claw Tom Yanks to defend
against feliney charge...
Moog Synthesizer invented by Count Bossy is rage
of music world. Her new CuD "Haymarket Riots"
reaches #1 on charts...
"A Tale of Two Titties" by Charles Dickens is
banned in Bossytown after Rev. P.T.L. Barnum gets
pioussed off with the fowl language in its pages...
Margie Mazola wins Nobull Piece Prize. In speech
she sez sex is for procreation not recreation...
Clare Booth Luce marries John Wilkes Booth in NJ
Turnpike Toolbooth and becomes Clare Booth
Buster Brown-Cow wins DC Marathon. Makes
sarcastic cowment that "good feet run in my family."
As the summer rains cascade upon Mount Moo, I am stuck inside cleaning out the barn and glancing
at a sex cattlelog entitled, "Pole Vaulting Made Easy," put out by the Rambone Perot Company of
Texas. This will go in the trash along with the other "wish" books stacked here because promises are
made to be broken and dreams cannot be bought or sold. These are troubulled times in stud land.
Many of our brother bulls are going to war against each other to prove whose pole is the biggest.
Alas, this violence is being sparked by so many miscowceptions about size being dropped in the moos
meatia and Hollyweed pumping out moovies every week extolling the virtues of bulls with long and
powerful tools.
This is all udder nonsense of course, and the Guru Moo is here to set the record straight and
get hard on to the facts about pole size. Fact #1: It ain't the meat, it's the motion that
makes your moo-moo want to rock! Fact #2: It's what cums from your lips and not from your
hips that will produce a loving and satisfying relationship. Fact #3: Most impotently, as long
as your tool is tilling the fertile soil of your bovine's garden with the tenderness, passion and
semen she needs there won't be any complaint about it's size. Heifers who think size is
important usually end up with basebull players who play the field and can't hit a lick!
One of my bull friends, Chipped Beef who resides in Cape Canaveral, told me he sent away for one of
those meat extenders which promised to give his booster rocket an additional six inches. It didn't
work and neither does he these days. He hangs out at Club Cud all day long doing crossword puzzles
and eating toast. He says that these scams are producing a bull populace that is losing it's cockiness
and hopes this fad will peter out very soon. I told him to get a grip on himself, start dating again and
get back to work. I steered him to Cape Cod where there are plenty of nice heifers waiting for
someone like him to rocket their world.
It's the same manure just a different day my friends. Too many of us are busy measuring our
penis' and not our happiness. No wonder we fall prey to the manure spreaders all over the land
and cling to the static in the moos meatia and become permanently depressed with who we are.
The Guru Moo says to rise out of your negative life cycle, splash some cold water on your limp
dick nixon and spin headlong into the cleansing detergent of the "Politics of Joy." Think for
yourself, act for yourself, be yourself, love yourself and most of all accept the tool you have
and work it in a positive direction.
Bulless you bovines. As usual after writing this there is a large cloud of hot air rising in my midst. I
must go to my study and turn on the air cowditioner. Outside the rain has stopped and the grass
glistens with seminal moisture. I think I'll eat outside tonight and then play some Scrabull with my
soul mate. Do you know a seven-letter word for LOVE? Until Next Time?
The Great Barnyard War is finally over. The dead lay
scattered all over the landscape with udders up like
some morbid Nintendo game of Tip The Cows.
We will bury those dead that we can before the
carnivores come and shrink wrap them but either way
they will join our multi-breasted savior MOOses for
the deep sleep underneath.
No garish memoorials will be erected to glorify the
horrors of this war. Our bulls, however, will be erect
to replenish our numbers.
With heavy udders and loving hearts we now return to
our fields to graze and live the Truth as delivered by
Our tails are in the wind and our bodies and minds
have reached the higher plain. Say goodnight
Grassy...it's all over now baby brown cow...
We were at the Mayo Clinic the other day having a
sandwich when we first herd the rumor tying DAILY
COW to the infamous Jersey Moofia and its leader
Malcolm The 10th. We got a good laugh from this
one. Some two-bite tubbies from the pompous ass
Free Soil Party are behind this and claim that we
monopolize and manipulate the cow news to suit
Malcolm's whims and pocketbook.
This is all bullshit of course. We're just a bunch of
banana-chewing city cows and bulls putting out a
paper on a shoestring budget and in the process trying
to trip up every good buddy down to their leathery
souls. We have no agenda! We have no Board! We
only have fun! Cow Power!
"Graze on my lips, and when those mounts are
dry stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."
(Gervase Markham)
"All animals except man know that the principal
business of life is to enjoy it."
(Samuel Butler)
"I hate all white people.
You are thieves, liars and have taken away our
land and made us outcasts."
(Sitting Bull)
"People are the only animals who eat
themselves to death."
(American Medical Association)
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd at Manna Hill Farms
COWTRIBUTORS:Tri shDavi s, Destri er, Geral d
England,Robert W. Howington,J-Man,Mad Dog,Mad
Peck,Myron Macdonald,William T. Masonis,Robert
Segarra,Joe E. Sheets,Paul Weinman,Bryan Westbrook
All unsigned articles by the Editor. Cowwaspondence,
artwork and written submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
NAME: Dan "Froth At The Hoof" Quayle (Dumb Stud)
BIRTHPLACE: Privy, Indiana
OCCUPATION: Amateur Golfer (Handicap/Mouth)
RELIGION: The First Agrarian Church of Arrogance & Hypocrisy
TESTICLE SIZE: None (Castration by Pat Buchanan & Company)
BRAIN SIZE: None (Lobotomy by Goober Pea Cutting Company)
LAST SLEPT WITH: Tammy Hay Bakker, Norm Schwarzcow, Fanny Farmer
FAVE TV SHOWS: Murphy BrownCow, Howard Steer Show, F-Troop
FAVE PICTURE BOOKS: Family Values Begin With Rich Parents, How To Support
A War & Evade The Draft, Bondage Between Parents & Children
AWARDS: Silver Spoon In Mouth (Lifetime), Mr. Manure Shovel (1992)
FANTASY: To Someday Work For A Living
NIGHTMARE: Meeting Anyone Who Can Think
QUOTE: "I'll Have To Check With My Dad."
FORT WORTH TEXAS (Cowpie News Service)
This citys historic stockyards, its main
tourist attraction, was the scene Tuesday for an
incident so bizarre it had law enforcement officials
shaking their heads in disbelief and glad that it was
finally over. Somehow several cows broke loose
from their holding pens outside Northside Coliseum
and scared the bejesus out of tourists and locals by
charging at them over and over. Even a wooden
Indian that had stood in front of Old Sam Horns
Barber & Shave Shop since 1888 was trampled
beyond repair.
The raging bovines were finally rounded up
several hours after their escape by a combination of
law enforcement officers, City Animal Control
personnel, local ranchands and even a few civic-
minded pedestrians.
Thank God nobody was killed, said Fort
Worth Chief of Police Burl Davis.
Chief Davis said the cows were being kept
under quarantine at the Circle T Ranch. Specialists
from Texas A&M University will arrive here
Thursday to check out the cows, run tests, study their
behavior, and find out why they went mad.
Somebody told me that cows have been
going crazy over in England for years, Chief Davis
said. I have sympathy for those people.
One heifer scampered off into a nearby
neighborhood and terrorized small children at a day
care center and some senior citizens while they had
a picnic at Amon Carter Park. But the major cow
attack occurred at Jesus Camachos house.
The cow she banged herself into my
Chevy Impala, Mr. Camacho said while sitting on
his porch drinking a beer in an attempt to settle his
nerves after the harrowing encounter of the fourth
kind with the cow. I ran out of the house and
walked towards the cow. I was gonna kick its ass,
you know, for doing what it did to my car. But she
lowered her head and she chased me around to the
backyard fence. I climbed the fence and unleashed
my dog, Mr. Macho, a 25-pound pit bull. I tell him,
Mr. Macho, get that fucking cow who totaled my
Chevy Impala. So Mr. Macho he jumps the fence
and goes after the cow. But the cow falls over on Mr.
Macho. The dog he squashed. He dead.
Mr. Camacho raised his beer can. Heres
to Mr. Macho, my dead dog. It took a big cow to kill
him. He was a good dog. Mr. Camacho drained the
beer and started on a new six pack.
Another cow made it all the way
downtown, about four miles south of the Stockyards.
He crossed the Main Street bridge, causing
numerous fender benders, sand Tarrant County
Sheriff Joe Bob Briggs between spits of tobacco.
Once downtown the cow went straight to
the Tarrant County Courthouse steps where it
disrupted an auction of HUD and FHA held homes.
The cow had real estate brokers, agents, home
buyers and government officials high-tailing it for
the nearest cover.
I saw it all from my third floor office
window, Sheriff Briggs said. It was quite a sight. I
invited people to come and watch all the mayhem.
Galldamn! that sure was one crazy cow. I grew up
around cows and I have never seen one act like that
one did. It had the look of Charlie Manson in its
By Robert W. Howington
Mulroney Mud Pie Pasture-Cue Bee is surrounded by cowrupt politicians serving up
warmed over bull. Cue Bee smiles as she remembers her long lost home land of Cue Beck where the
rebels roam gracefully and the dialogue is cowfusing.
Will I ever be allowed to see my loved ones again?, she dreamily asks as she reads the
latest issue of Cue Beck Beckons. Why oh why do most Americans think Cue Beck is kiss given to
poor pool players?
Authors Note: Cue Beck is about to vote on where their political future-the issue being
whether native cows must now learn a foreign language. Moo was the formerly acceptable lingo
which then became replaced with Moo Moo but now the tongue may have to twist around to
Ecownomics are to play an important part in Cue Bees future - a five year plan is in the
cowvelopment stage. They are recowmending three cuds chewed for every cow patty dropped. This
is in support of International Free Trade - one patty for one of what is needed. They then hope to sell
them to the unified republic - thats where there use to be cowmunism until red became dead after
sleeping in a waterbed (a taste of white water rafting).
Ah, the sensuality of cowpattylism!
Land must be cowsidered - Cue Beck wants the whole pool table shifted due north of the
Atlantic Ocean. New Brunswick insists on oil lamps over the Bering Strait.
On Tar I Oh wrangles for a procedural nursery rhyme honoring left wing pick pockets on the
right side of the street.
La West believes unity with Oregons redwoods would be Galen Clarks final dream (my
apology to Yosemite the Bear).
But, what of little Cue Bee - when last seen, she was boarding a plane for down under using
a Joe Clark boarding pass.
By Myron Macdonald

Repast For Mylea
I sat in the mall
minding my own business
eating a cheeseburger,
when a sallow-faced woman
wearing a PETA T-shirt
jumped into my face
and started making moo noises,
Naturally, I bit her,
but it didnt taste the same,
so I went back to my burger.
BrYan Westbrook
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Student Herd
School is a ranch
rows full
divided into pens,
to feed,
Teachers are the cowboys
filling our stomachs,
pushed to the next meal,
Students are the cattle
chewing our cud,
grazing in pastures,
locker rows.
Day in, day out
we are the herd
being brought to our
S.M., Kansas
Heifer Haiku #1
The sound of lowing
Mooves soft, across still pastures,
A milk pail awaits,
As the farmer snores along.
William T. Masonis
Heifer Haiku #2
Oh! The Kobi Beef!
Honored so by small strong hands,
Kneaded all the day,
At last he feels the ax fall.
William T. Masonis
Laurel, Maryland
Digging It Up Again
Mommyd say - Moocow Moo-
pulling her sweater up, shirt aside.
Shed reach into - My stall -
hand cupped
burrowing down and deep
lift out her billowed breast
seep of milk bubbling
pressure building as my mouth
sucking, lips puckering, smacking.
First touch - Utter Satisfaction -
Hers to give, mine to take.
Moocow Moo - shed moan, me...
looking up into her bovine eyes.
Suckle of teats, memories sweet
as I set my money to counter
tuck this months Playboy to chest.
Paul Weinman
Albany, New York
My Very First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone, just she and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didnt know
But I tried my best
I started by plac ing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once the white stuff came
At last its finished
Its all over now
My first time ever
Of milking a cow!!!
Author Unknown
Bovine Beatitude
How now, brown cow?
Your limpid eyes regard our repose.
At peace upon our field of green,
The scent of your contentment
Fills your pink and gentle nose.
In stillness we stand, more felt than seen,
And bear no man resentment,
Awash in our eternal Here & Now.
William T. Masonis
Laurel, Maryland
By Destrier
By Robert Segarra
I see a new pair of
hands in your future...
Elsie stops to smell
the roses!
Green Acres (1965-1971) runs neck and neck with Gilligans Island and The Beverly
Hillbillies as among the dumbest, hence coolest, sitcoms of the 60s.
The Douglases were actually ahead of the times. Several years before the hippies pronounced
it cool to get back to the land, these Park Avenue swells shucked the rat race and headed for
Hooterville. There was much about the show to love: The unabashed unreality of Oliver riding his
tractor or pitching hay in his Brooks Brothers suit; Lisa in her furs and pearls addressing the
Hootervilles Womens Every Other Wednesday Club...
Jay Sommers, the shows creator, said it was based on a radio show called Granbys Green
Acres. Eddie Albert wasnt the first choice to play Oliver. Don Ameche was...
Eddie Albert said of the role: Swell, thats me. Everyone gets tired of the rat race. Everyone
would like to chuck it all and grow some carrots. I knew it would be successful, it had to be. Its about
the atavistic urge, and people have been getting a charge out of that ever since Aristophanes wrote
about the plebes and the city folk. In a sense, Thoreau is the real author of Green Acres.
From: The Pop Sixties by Andrew Edelstein
Green Acres is the place to be
Farm living is the life for me
Land spreading out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan just give me that
New York is where Id rather stay
I get allergic smelling hay
I just adore a penthouse view
Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue.
The Chores!!, The Stores!!
Times Square!!, Fresh Air!!
You are my wife
Goodbye city life
Green Acres we are there!
By Vic Mizzy?
Eleanor The Cow
I will love you for heifer, Bull said,
his nostrils flaring provocatively.
Oh Bull, she replied coyly, what
udder nonsense. How would we live?
We could live off the land, Bull said.
Just like people.
You certainly Ayreshire of yourself,
she said. You just sit in the field and watch
the world march pasteurize.
Of course we cud. Chew just have to
believe in the dream, Bull implored. When I
graze into your eyes, you moo-ve me.
Im not sure I need you, Bull, she
(Author Unknown)
Two old friends make a pact that the first
one to die will do everything possible to make
contact with the other. The following summer,
Mel dies of a heart attack, leaving Dave lonely
and depressed. A month after the funeral, Dave
picks up the phone, and its Meljust as he
Mel, old pal, its great to hear from you.
Boy, I really miss you. Tell me, what do you do
all day?
Dave, youre not going to believe it. In
the morning, I get up for a big breakfast, and then
I screw, After that I go out and lie around in the
sun, and screw some more. Then its time for
lunch. Then, in the afternoon, a nap and then
more screwing until dinner. Then one last screw
before I go to sleep.
Mel, thats remarkable. I had no idea
heaven would be like that.
Whos in Heaven? Im a bull in
(Author Unknown)
Madame Curies Cow Remedies
Toothache Cure-Place fresh cow manure on the side
of the face where the ache occurs.
Headache Cure-Rub cow dung and molasses on your
Impotence Cure-Drink a 6 ounce mixture of equal
parts cows milk, bull semen, ground alfalfa and
Baldness Cure-Have a cow lick the bald spot (s) on
your head.
Udder Ticklers
Why arent blondes good cattle herders?
(They cant keep their calves together!)
Why did the horny heifer think she was in a menage-
(She had doubull vision!)
What does a dog do when it rents an apartment?
(Signs a leash!)
If money were bullshit some of us would smell more
than others!
Cows On Welfare
Among the Congressional compromises agreed to in
November 1991, so that legislators could recess for
the holidays was a deal whereby ranchers in 16
western states would continue to receive $150
million in cattle grazing subsidies ($1.97 per cow
per month) in exchange for Senator Jesse Helms
dropping an objection to federal funding for
patently offensive art.
Mocking Fatherhood?
Getting a cow in a family way is not
accomplished, as I would have thought, with a bull
and some Barry White tapes in a heart-shaped stall.
Its like teenage pregnancy, only more so. The bull
isnt even around to get the cow knocked-up.
Instead, theres a liquid-nitrogen Thermos bottle full
of frozen bull sperm (lets not even think about how
they get that) and a device resembling a cross
between a gigantic hypodermic needle and the
douche nozzle of the gods.
George got a real farmer to come by and
actually do the honors. So while I held the cows
head and George held the cows middle, the real
farmer, Pete, took the bovine marital aid and
inserted in into a very personal and private place of
the cows. Then Pete squirted the liquid dish soap on
himself and inserted his right arm into an even more
personal and private place of the cows, all the way
up to the elbow. Pete did this not in order to have
Robert Mapplethorpe take his photograph, but in
order to grasp the inseminator tube through the
intestine wall and guide the tube into the mouth of
the uterus. Its an alarming thing to watch, and Im
glad to say I didnt watch because I was at the cows
other end. But Ill tell you this, I will never forget
the look on that cows face.
From: Parliament of Whores by P.J. ORourke
Perhaps the most common manifestation of
the Great Mother as Preserver was the white,
horned, milk-giving Moon Cow, still sacred in
India as a symbol of Kali. Egypt revered
Mother Hathor as the heavenly cow whose
udder produced the Milky Way, whose body
was the firmament and who daily give birth to
the sun, Horus-Ra, her golden calf.
Earlier myths showed the universe being
curdled into shape from the Cows milk. In
India, many still believe literally the creation
myth known as Churning of the Sea of Milk.
The Japanese version said the primordial deep
went curdlecurdle (koworokoworo) when
stirred by the first deities to make the clumps of
land. The ancient Near East though human
bodies too were curdled from the goddesss
milk. One of her liturgies was copied into the
Bible: Has thou not poured me out as milk,
and curdled me like cheese?
Thus the cow was honored as the wet nurse
of humanity, and her image is still
inadvertently invoked to this day as an
expletive Holy Cow or a pejorative Sacred
From: The Womans Encyclopedia of Myths
and Secrets by Barbara G. Walker
She is a great cow. She stands in the midst
of her own soft flesh, her thighs great wide
arches, round columns, her hips wide enough
for calving, sturdy, rounded, swaying,
stupefied mass, a cradle, a waving field of
nipples, her udder brushing the grass, a great
cow, who thinks nothing, who waits to be
milked, year after year, who delivers up calves,
who stands ready for the bull, who is faithful,
always there, yielding at the same hour, day
after day, that warm substance, the milk white
of her eye, staring, trusting, sluggish, bucolic,
inert, bovine mind dozing and dreaming, who
lays open her flesh, like a drone, for the use of
the world.
From: Woman and Nature by Susan Griffin
Cow fans may be interested in joining the Mr.
Ed Fan Club (his first words to Wilbur were
How now Brown Cow) and in one episode
Wilbur was featured riding a cow when Ed was
protesting humans riding horses.
Dear Edhead: You are invited to join the
world famous Mr. Ed Fan Club. Annual
memberships are $20 and include a
membership card, information brochure, 3
black and white photos of Mr. Ed printed on
thick cardstock paper, 1 full color photo of Ed
and Wilbur and 2 issues of the new 16 page
TALKING HORSE fan club journal published
twice a year. Join today and may the horse be
with you!
For further information write:
Mr. Ed Fan Club
P.O. Box 1009
Cedar Hill, TX 75104
This is a personal favorite of mine. A nutritious
graze from cover to cover. Four times a year
Chuck Woodbury will take you on a trip
through the back roads of a country that many
of us have forgotten still exists. Theres
something in this newspaper for everybody
whether you live in the city, suburbia or the
sticks. Cows pop up every now and then so you
know it has a good sense of humor. Published
quarterly/Subs are $9.95 a year)
For more information write:
Out West
10522 Brunswick Road
Grass Valley, CA 95945
Its very easy to keep you on our minds these
days...your girls are everywhere we turn! There
isnt a gift shop or craft show that doesnt have
a special section dedicated to those special
creatures. I saw a cow doll in a beautiful, frilly
dress at a craft show this weekend-she was
Peter came across the enclosed beauty while
going through some special treasures his
daughter brought home from her house at the
College of Wooster (COW) in Ohio. He asked
me to send it along to you and knows you will
provide a good home for her. Were still
enjoying DAILY COW and look forward to
every issue.
Joan A. Grazer
Princeton, NJ
(Yes, cow fans that is her real last name-
GRAZER!! The enclosed beauty she spoke of
is a wooden cow (12x14) which now stands
on my windowsill watching over the hundreds
of other cows grazing in my studio
Thanks so much for the latest issue of DAILY
COW. A great concept, undoubtedly destined
for mass acceptance. I was astounded by the
seemingly endless supply of cow news printed
throughout the continent. Topical coverage of
the bovine world at large is crucial in a free
That Rodney Leighton fellow made some good
points about the animal rights fanatics. His
only mistake was in not attempting to milk cow
jockey, Christina Amphlett, rather than the
actual cow. The yield would have been
astounding, not to mention gratifying. He
seems to be a reasonable person, except for the
bit about him being a wrestling fan. Wrestling?
Vic Stanley
Lafayette, Indiana
(Informed souses tell me that Rodney has
gone down under Christina so many times
that she has been milked dry. Her udders by
the way are of the magnificent and significant
Moooochas Gracias for Issue #7. Shocking
about Miss Piggy. At least I have her on video,
a hot number before Kermit. That tape may
assure me of a comfortable retirement, its
going into a vault.
Here is some interesting Denver news. It seems
every year at stock show time there is a
tremendous snowfall or otherwise bizarre
weather. There is a new theory that the sudden
importation of cows leads to a flatulence effect
warm gas rising rapidly, cooling quickly and
setting Denver up for the annual storm.
There is a very rough bar called Trough and
Stanchion near the stock show grounds. A few
of the Grand Champions and their cud chewing
admirers were mooing about the stock show in
a rear stall. This show is no fun for them, even
though they get to see old cowhorts from all
over the states.
Now if we could just BBQ the politicians!
Ron Case
Denver, Colorado
(Thanks for the update from Denver, John,
err Ron. It must be quite a mess out there
when the snow and cowpies are falling. Watch
your step!)
Did you know theres currently a big hit song
out on alternative radio down here called
Bound for MOO-MOO Land, featuring none
other than Tammy Wynette on vocals?
A representative verse-Theyre justified and
theyre ancient/And they drive an ice cream
van/Theyre justified and theyre ancient/With
still no Master Plan/The last train left an hour
ago/They were singing All Aboard/All bound
for MOO-MOO land.
Bill Masonis
Laurel, Maryland
(Ive never herd the above song but Ive been
living in MOO-MOO Land ever since I
mooved from Strawberry Fields-so much
I havent seen a single cow in Illinois but in
Kentucky wed get drunk and talk about riding
cows, and Ive been chased a time or two in
upstate New York by bulls. These animals got
to weigh at least five hundred pounds, and they
look at you with such huge blank eyes that it
makes you wonder what would happen if some
prehistoric genetic memory of attack would
suddenly crawl through their neurotic
framework. Its just the possibility of one of
them being careless and walking over you that
scares the shit out of me. Watch those New
Jersey Moo Cows with care.
Larry Oberc
Chicowgo, Illinois
(Homicide by cows is on the rise! According
to Federal Bovine Investigators mad cows
trampled over 1200 humans last year. Ive
found that cows, like poets, just want to be left
alone to graze on the meaning of life.)
Here in Tillamook County, Oregon, there are
more cows than people. This is dairy country.
Every day at 4 p.m. the milking machines start
up, and if you are running electrical equipment
such as a computer you are in danger of losing
your data due to power loss. Most of the cows
around here, sad to say, are on drugs. Steroids
and downers to be precise. When their milk
production falls below a certain point the poor
creatures are sent off to become weenies and
dog food. The Oscar Meyer truck and the
Purina Wagon are never far off.
Peter B. Smith
Bay City, Oregon
(I think many of us would start taking
downers if we saw an Oscar Meyer truck
parked outside the barn or house waiting to
take us away if we had a bad day at work.)
The day is awash in satirical splendor. I got
milked today at 5:30 a.m. and then took to the
field with a cup of cowfee (2 sugars, no cream)
and grazed with your latest issue.
Im still udderbroken over my affair with Bull
Clinton. He means well but doesnt realize that
government is a disease masquerading as its
own cure.
I get so tired of eating all day, your paper helps
to pass the hay!
Gennifer Flowers
Little Rock, Arkansas
(One of Bull Clitons favorite hobbies was
planting Flowers in his backyard until his
wife found out and made him throw away his
Daily Cow is published once or twice a year.
This issue and any back issues are availabull
for $2 in cash, stamps, zine trade or cow
clippings. Letters, articles, poetry, artwork or
any submissions may be sent at any time.
Daily Cow believes that your diet, wardrobe and
product purchases are your own personal
concern. We love moo all regardless of your
consumer habits.
The milk shall inherit the earth.
Auctions speak louder than words.
Youre the one who insisted we build
the house before the barn...
You are cowdially invited to drop in at the world
famous milk parlor where cows from all walks of life
are stampeding to get their teats squeezed. No
appointment is necessary, just get in line at 5:15
a.m. or 5:15 p.m. and hook up with our state of the
art milking equipment which really sucks.
We set the lights down low, put on some discow
music and switch the vacuums on. You can then
relax and get off in an atmosphere where there has
never been a single case of mastitis or sexual
The perfect gift for the cow who is sick and tired
of being glad-handed by farmers who see milking as
just another chore. All major credit cuds accepted.
Go with the flow and have gallons of fun at the same
The only place for bull-headed shoppers to get
that priceless sculpture, glassware, figurine or
chinaware that you need to spruce up your dull barn.
Every four foot aisle is crammed with merchandise
guaranteed to make you see red and break your
cowhide wallet.
Hurry down and check out our "Red Light"
specials where cows and bulls are stepping all over
each other this very minute. Featured celebrity busts
this week are RED Auerbach, RED Buttons, REDD
Foxx, RED Grange and the glow in the dark RED
Free cowfee and red capes to the first fifty bulls
who enter our doors on Monday and Friday.
Absolutely no matadors allowed inside. Free gift
"rapping" my D.J. Left Foot and The Clumsy Asses.
Shop until something drops!
Tired of wearing those ugly plastic clip-on
numbered ear tags? Want to make a fashion
statement and still be counted? Well then come on
down to Madamooselle's House of Lobe where the
price is right and the variety of earrings will make
your milk curdle.
We feature functional yet attractive earrings for
the daily graze. For that special night out with Mr.
Stud we have silver earrings from the exclusive Lone
Ranger Cowlection. Newly arrived are 14 carrot
Bugs Bunny designer earrings for those special
mooments of fast, funny and furious lovemaking with
the vegan of your choice.
Your ears can be pierced on the premises by the
lovely and former "Shoes For Moos" spokescow
Imelda Marcows. Prices vary from the very
reasonabull to the "I'm broke but goddamn don't my
ears look good" range. Herd Up!
In a class of her own is Trish Davis, our favorite Boviniac. A
teacher in the State of Washington, who gets a Grade A in our
book for teaching youngsteers the language of MOO. Note what
the average cow is reading these days (on the bull etin board).
Unruly calves are sent by teachers to Central Detention where
this vinyl cow keeps watch over them. At Halloween Trish hung
bats from the horns. Beware of Cow - it doesn't bite - just releases
lots of hot air not unlike most school administrators.
A not for profit and for private collecting purposes only zine...
miss piggy
MAYFIELD-Miss Piggy, the vivacious porker porn star who entertained millions,
was found hacked to death in her posh penthouse on Henson Drive last
Thanksgiving Day. Also murdered were her long time co-star and live in
companion, Kermit the Frog and a friend of the couple, Big Bird. The victims
were all dismembered and various body parts stuffed into display cases, closets
and drawers. On the mammoth refrigerator scrawled in blood were the words
"Unthaw Walt Disney." Three large cowpies were found at the crime scene
leading local pigs to deduce that the murders were either done by a cow or
Marlon Brando.
After a five day cowhunt, Sheriff Eddie Haskell announced the arrest of a cow,
Theodora "Beaver" Cleaver, a hitcow from one of New Jersey's leading mobsteer
families. Brando cudda been a contender but he was seen on Thanksgiving Day
at the Muppett Restaurant in Cheyenne, Wyoming eating everything in sight
except the tablecloths. Cleaver was found grazing in Metzger's Field with a 12"
butcher knife wrapped around her udder. Haskell said the little squirt spilled her
guts and admitted to the killings. If convicted, the Beaver could face the death
penalty in the electric frying pan.
It is widely believed that the killing of Miss Piggy was done in retaliation for the
murder of Bossy Leader Alice Cowpone earlier this year. Amid loud squeals of
protest from pigs across the nation, Pork & Sausage Leader Francis Bacon
proposed a summit with new Bossy Leader Donna Cowleone and the Chicken's
Head Motherclucker Eggs Sunnyside in order to put an end to the barnyard
violence that is sweeping the nation.
Donna Cowleone was too busy shooting hoops with a tall Jersey Senator to hold
a press cowference butt er' spokescow Lee Iacowcca released the following
statement on her behalf: "Hay, I loved her moovies and TV show and I deplore
the killing of the rich and fatuous. Leave it to Beaver to incite a range war. I will
agree to a summit with Bacon and Eggs and hereby declare this as 'Be Kind To
Pigs Week' in hopes that all hostilities down on the farm will cease."
Reaction from animal stars of the stage and screen to Miss Piggy's death were
immediate and heartfelt. Flipper said she was clean, a good swimmer and very
intelligent for a pig. Mr. Ed said they enjoyed horsing around and hamming it up
together. Lassie recalled the time she saved Miss Piggy from a raging fire and
also pulled her from the Colorado River after her canoe had overturned. Mickey
Mouse declined comment as his writers were out of town building a better
Funeral services will be held on Tuesday and be broadcast live on Ham Radio.
The eulogy will be given by noted porker Geraldo Rivera. Miss Piggy will then be
flown to her hometown of Sow's Ear, Nebraska and buried.
PIX-Pages 2,4
NEWS-Pages 3,5
MUSE-Page 6
COW ART-Page 10
GREEN ACRES-Pages 12,13
KALE-Page 14
FEEDBACK-Page 16,17
STUD CODE #1-Page 19
Originally published 12/1/91
Digitally remastered 01/27/01
Cowlypso Dancing Memoories
by Fred Asteer
Stop living in the pasture. Get
inside your barns and arm
your udders to the teeth. Full
scale range war outbreak
likely. Stockpile canned hay
and live amoo.
#1 JUNE "MILK & COOKIES" CLEAVER-Reputed head of family since husband died in 1988.
Feeds and cleans for family and sleeps with members at will (pictured above).
#2 WALLY "CLEAN CUT" CLEAVER-Handles lucrative prostitution and drug ring end of
family business.
#3 THEODORA "BEAVER" CLEAVER-No. 1 Hit Cow of family. Credited with over 200 hits in
1989 alone. Currently under indictment.
#4 GILBERT "PSYCOW" BATES-Owns local mootel which is front for gambulling and
laundering dirty milk money.
#5 CLARENCE "LUMPY MILK" RUTHERFORD-Bagcow for family who runs protection
racket and extorts millions of gallons from New
Jersey dairies.
#6 LARRY "FAT COW" MONDELLO-Family limoo driver and raiser of bale moolah for
members in jail.
#7 JUNE "LOST IN SPACE" LOCKHART-Accowtant for family who has been busy stockpiling
bullions in foreign banks.
#8 TIMMY "THE CANINE" PROVOST-No. 2 Hit Cow of family. Has trained collie to do hits
with simple cowmand of "go get em' girl."
#9 MISS "ANN" LANDERS-Former school teacher now serves as top advisor and legal cownsellor
for mobsteers.
#0 WARD "THE WARDEN" CLEAVER-Head of family until murder by rival mobsteer Robert
Young who killed him over a spilled cup of cowfee.
Chicowgo-The killing grounds for millions of cows
were destroyed yesterday by a raging inferno set by a
disgruntled employee.
Liz E. Borden set a match to a kerosene lamp she had
kicked over in rage after an argument with her boss.
She wanted clean aprons for staff workers in the Meat
Ax Division of Chop Industries but her boss said no
claiming it was too expensive.
Her boss, Lee Z. Donkey, was the only human killed
in the conflagration because he fell asleep in his office
before the blaze. It is also estimated that over 10,000
cows awaiting slaughter perished in the fire.
The fire raged out of control for 12 hours and people
came from miles away to eat thinking it was a free
barbecue. The eight miles of holding pens and
slaughterhouses were all destroyed due to high winds,
low water pressure and delays in the delivery of buns,
condiments and beer. A planeload of potatoes were
dropped on the smoldering ashes to prevent further
spread of the fire and give folks something to eat
along with their charred burgers.
The fire starter, Borden, was described by
authoritarian as a mannequin depressive who had a
cleanliness fetish, hates her family and enjoys WWF
wrestling. Mr. Donkey was described as a stupid and
lazy asshole with bestial tendencies and enjoyed
playing Nintendo. The union contract clearly stated
that employees were to be provided with clean aprons
each day. However, Borden is still in a local jail
pending release on $100,000 bail which is currently
being raised by her hard working fellow employees.
Cows around the nation rejoiced at the sudden demise
of their No. 1 holocaust site. The celebrations were
short lived however as the Meatpackers Association
(Murder, Inc.) vowed to rebuild within a year.
Moo Orleans-The music and religious world mourned
the passing last night of Rev. Bully Graham who died
when he misteakenly took an overdose of horse
tranquilizers while backstage at a Grateful Alive
Graham milked millions by promoting the 60's youth
moovement in religious revivals known as "Millard
Fillmores." He was also a spiritual advisor to four
USOB presidents and prayed with each of them at the
start of major wars. Critics complained that he had a
big mouth and argued too much about Jesus Christ.
He is survived by his wife Cracker, a daughter Pearl
Joplin and a son Carlos Santanic. Services will be held
on January 3rd at 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. at Dairylea
Farms. Tickets are $50 at the door and $45 at the box
Passaic-An attempted takeover of DAILY COW
ended in udder failure when a group of Wall Street
bulls found a "laughing cow" instead of the "cash
cow" that they had hoped to milk. It was a cold day
when the firm of Avarice, Greed and Sellout marched
into Top Hill Farms and announced they were taking
over by citing some silly Public Law No. 9
After two weeks the bulls had seen enough of our
operation and marched right back out. They mailed us
an official report which said in part, "You appear to be
spiritually loaded, morally bankrupt and not the least
interested in profit margins. You just want to make fun
and be left alone by the business world. What's wrong
with you stupid cows anyway?"
We replied to them by saying, "We prefer to be called
'Bovinus Erectus All Night Long'. We live by the
Golden Rule and are not ruled by the stock market as
you are. The only thing that moolah can buy is more
moolah. When DAILY COW stops being fun we will
cease to publish. Have a fun day you business-oriented
Daily Cow Editor David Mooey and World
Scrabull Champion Tean Cowley celebrate their
anniversary in the Cowskill Mountains. The
happy cowple exchanged bells on 11/21/86 and
have been grazing happily thereafter.
Pope J. Edgar Moover II, is crowned head of the
Cowtholic Church in Kracow, Poland last week.
He pledged a Holy War to remoove the Mosque
Cows who now occupy Vatican City in Rome.
USOB cows end their dependence on foreign oil
by using their own byproducts to power
automoobiles. Above, Gomer Pyles is about to fill
up tank of Jim Nabors who lives next door to the
new Texacow station.
Bossy Leader Donna Cowleone reveals that
she would rather play basketbull with the
Elitist Globetrotters than deal with urgent
problems at home. Cowleone is now seen as a
figurehead who dribbles too much and needs
work on the free throw line.
Rensselaer-Mike Gunderloy, erstwhile publisher of
Factsheet Five, received a cow pie from Bossy Poop
Productions and reviewed it's contents in Issue #44.
Gunderloy, who has reviewed tens of thousands of
zines, records and other flotsam from the small press
was obviously shaken by this piece of mail. The next
day he sold Factsheet Five to Hudson Luce of Ohio
and said he didn't want to get any more shit in the
The infamous cow pie was listed in the Publisher's
Choice section and reviewed as follows: "This is a
piece of shit. However, upon closer study it is quite
nice. It has a brown color, is quite thick and appears to
be fecal throughout. The aroma is not so bad once you
get use to it. The producer of this pie is on a vegan diet
and her intestines are free of BGH residue. Makes an
excellent paperweight, doorstop or Frisbee. Highly
recowmended and I hear that Ms. Poop has quite a
supply in her backyard." Price $1, Bossy Poop, 121
Gregory Avenue, Passaic, NJ 07055 (OT-2 sides/pol-
ished/loves trades/MG)
Salt Lick City-Tragedy struck Biosphere II today
when the oxygen supply into the enclosed 4 acre steel
and glass bubble shut down due to the huge amounts
of gas being released by its grazing inhabitants.
A security guard by the name of Ernest Bovine was
checking the lock on the door when he noticed all
eight cows on their side by the take-out window. He
quickly unlocked the door but was blown twenty feet
in the air by the sudden release of trapped bovine
gasses. After landing and putting a clothespin on his
snout he dragged the cows outside and tried but to no
avail to revive them.
The dead cows, led by scientists Louise Pasture and
Lena Horns were conducting a two year experiment to
recreate the earth's ecosystem. They were hoping to
form a utopian society for cows by building bio-
sphere's where they could live free of carnivores. The
cause of death was listed as flatulence.
Folgers-A group of right-to-heifers in New Mexicow
stampeded legislators into banning decalfeinations ex-
cept in cases of rape, incest or nervousness. An ex-
cited Wendy McDonald, spokescow for Living Is For
Everyone (LIFE), said the moovement will spread.
"With this victory we will dissemenate this law to all
50 states in the USOB. Decalf will be banned every-
where and life will once again be brewed on sacred
A depressed and visibly shaken Betty Freisan of the
Natural Organization of Bovine Sisters (NOBS)
vowed to repeal the new law. "New Mexicows will
now have to resort to getting decalfs in back barn
alleys by uncaring butchers. This law was only passed
to satisfy the veal industry."
A meeting of the NOBS is scheduled for next week at
the Maxwell House Barn in order to percolate a new
strategy to counter the spread of further decalf bans.
Passaic-Angus Cowley was cownapped at gunpoint
outside her barn last week by two uneducated and
badly dressed young heifers. She was then driven to a
local mall and forced to shop for over six hours but
not allowed to keep anything. The bad cows then took
all of her credit cuds and a briefcase containing hun-
dreds of neatly clipped store coupons valued at
$1254.25 if redeemed by 4-30-92.
Cowley is offering a much exchanged Timex watch
with a $5 rebate coupon as a reward to anyone who
finds and returns her briefcase.
The latest fad to sweep the bovine world is cowsmetic surgery. Specifically, I am mooing about the
alarming increase in the number of cows having udder augmentation via silicone implants. Many small
uddered cows feel that this is needed to satisfy their bullfriends and increase their milk
productivity. To all this I say phooey! Any bull who doesn't love you for what you are isn't worth a
roll in the hay. And any cow who thinks an udder full of silicone will increase her milk production is
just plain dumb.
The noted sexpert Dr. Hugh Heifer has just written a most interesting article in this month's
Playbull entitled, "A Cow Is Only As Good As Her Udder." This explicit article attempts to
explain our new found obsession with udder size. Dr. Heifer states that high and low
self-esteem is developed when we are breast fed as calves. A well running teat and full udder
during nursing produces high self-esteem while a dry teat and empty udder during nursing
produces low self-esteem. He concludes that the current crop of "Falsie Bossies" all suffer
from "Dry Teat Syndrome" and are now augmenting themselves because of those early calfhood
mammaries. To all this I say double phooey!
Once again it is the fault of humanunkind for this stupid and sick obsession with udder size. They
are a species that judges one by appearance and by how much one can produce. They let the big
uddered bovines who produce the most milk live and slaughter the small uddered at the drop of a
milk pail. No wonder that our cowspitals are backed up with cows loudly demanding silicone enhanced
udders. But come back to reality Bossy! If the meaning of life were appearances and profitability we
would have been born with a compact and a cashier's check from the Great Udder sticking out of
our butts.
As the rapper MC Vanilla Ice Cream Cone sings, "Your body is a temple, let me come inside and
worship you. Hay baby don't go changing your udder, I like you just the way you are." So
bovines graze proudly at your bodies in the mirror of life and love yourself for who and what
you are. Ignore the Silicone Valley call for artificial enhancement.
Bulless you bovines. As usual there is not much to eat up here on Mount Moo. I will probably order
some Moo Goo Gai Pan from the local Chinese restaurant. By the way you can order my new book of
Cud Meditations by sending $10 to Guru Moo, Mount Moo, Chattel, Switzerland. Sorry no C.U.D.
orders accepted. May your mouth and udders always be full. Until next time?
The Guru Moo
With the recent murder of Miss Piggy by the Beaver it
is readily apparent that we are teatering on the brink of
Civil War. We would like to ask how any war can be
called civil. Does a cow go up to a pig and say excuse
me may I reload and blow your snout off? C'mon now
war ain't pretty and it certainly ain't civil. Only beings
with no brains indulge in war. Aren't we all above that
by now?
DAILY COW opposes this impending war of
barnyard animals. Let's all go back to grazing, rolling
in slop and laying eggs. Let's put aside our petty
differences and unite against our cowmon enema-THE
HUMANS! Damn, they are still eating, torturing and
imprisoning us and they love it when we kill each
other. Saves them the trouble of doing it themselves.
Alice Cowpone was killed by a pig and Miss Piggy
carved up by a cow. The chickens just seem to love a
good fight and are joining both sides by the dozens.
The above cited high profile killings are being used by
criminal elements in barns across the country as an
excuse for more bloodshed. Don't be waylaid by these
sick critters who only want to establish a new "pecking
order" where they come out on top.
It is time to drop our semi-automatic weapons and turn
them into plowshares. We must follow the example set
by our equine cousins and establish demoocracy in the
barnyard. Although horses are saddled with enormous
debts due to their addiction to off track betting, they
are worthy of our emulation because they don't go to
war to solve their problems. They all voted a
resounding "nay" to joining this war.
So cows, pigs and chickens all over this great land let
us come together and talk turkey. Let's smoke the pipe
of peace and form a stable government based on
mutual respect and equal rights for everyone. We can
then go off with the horses into a sunset of everlasting
peace, love and stability.
War is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse
of reason with unreason.
(General William Westmooland)
Brains you know are suspect in the bovine
cowmunity. Tell the cows to draw in their horns or
well bomb em back to the stone age.
(Major Porky Pig)
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd at Top Hill Farms
COWTRIBUTORS: Ace Backwords, Jason Baker,
Jim DeWitt, Mad Dog, Rodney Leighton, Myron
Macdonald, Scot Rhoads, Josh Samuels, Robert
Segarra, Josie Vasquez, Paul Weinman.
All unsigned articles by the Editor. Cowwaspondence,
artwork and written submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
NAME: Mary Ann Spork (Dingbat's Delight)
BIRTHPLACE: Leavenworth, Kansas
OCCUPATION: Food Service Manager-Passaic Bored of Ejaculation
RELIGION: Church of Never Ending Kindness & Love
FAVE FOODS: Cowfee, Beef Jerky, Milk Duds, Peasants Under Grass
FAVE TV SHOWS: Columbull, Jake & The Fat Cow, Dairy Mason, Barney Milker
DISLIKES: Male Secretaries, Loud Cows, Vacations, Breakfast
LAST SLEPT WITH: Mao Tse Dung, Prince Charles In A Can, Howard Steer
AWARDS: Hardest Working Cow (1982-1989), SubGenius Slack (1990)
FANTASY: To Kick "Sam The Sham's" Ass For Singing Wolly Bully
QUOTE: "Drink That Milk Or I'll Kill You!"
A couple of comments regarding the
Animal Rights stuff. First of all, a brief cow or
actually bull story. I once worked on a farm
where we had this Holstein bull. A pretty big
boy. I think he weighed about 2300 pounds. He
was gentle as could be. Loved to have his poll
scratched or eat grain out of your hand. After
awhile he started getting uglier. Bulls often do
but he kept getting worse. Come to find out,
this worker was going up to the fence and
calling the bull over with grain in one hand and
a claw hammer in the other hand. Bull would
come and start eating the grain and the
dumbass worker would clobber him between
the eyes with the hammer. If I could have
caught him, I would have used the hammer on
him. Never could catch him in the act so
eventually we put the bull inside the barn in a
pen with weaker rails. The guy tried it once too
often. Bull went out through six 2x6 and
chased the guy out of the barn and across the
yard. Took me three months to get him calmed
down. Guy said either we sell the bull or he
would quit. I said, See ya.
The lady on the back cover of Issue #6
makes some very valid points. Me, I often
wonder if someone delivered a pair of rabbits
and a buck goat and a couple of pigs to some
these rabid and vociferous Animal Rights/
PETA members, how long the critters would
survive. I would be very interested in learning
how many of these people who stridently
proclaim that animals should run free have ever
had any farm animals? Ever seen what a coyote
can do to a lamb? Ever seen what a raccoon
does to a hen? Ever stepped in goose shit? Ever
hear a cow bawl because her udder was too full
of milk for comfort. And I could go on. This is
not to say there are not things to worry about. I
was recently reading about puppy farms of
which there are, apparently, thousands of in the
States. Now there is something to be upset
There are a number of agricultural
practices which are unnecessarily harsh. Some
are, in fact, inhumane. However, my problem
with what I have seen, admittedly very little, of
the Animal Rights Movement, is that many of
the people carry things to the extreme; without
any regard for the reality of facts. It is certainly
possible to find THE REALITY as stated in the
excerpt from Actionline . I am also certain it is
perfectly possible to find a number of farms
which fit into what they term as MYTH.
If I am ever in the position of having
farm animals again, I hope to have a few sheep;
a few rabbits; some chickens, ducks and geese
and perhaps other critters. I would love to let
them roam BUT if I let them roam free, some
will be run into on the road, creating all sorts of
problems. If I leave them out at night various
predators will come and kill them. So, I shall
keep them contained in enclosures which will
keep out the predators. Everybody will be
happy except the predators.
Rodney Leighton
RR #3, Pugwash, Nova Scotia, Canada BOK1L0
(Thanks for the comments Rodney. For cow fans
who are also wrestling fans send $1 to the above
address for a copy of Rods Reflector which is a
weekly sheet for and about the fans of wrestling.
Readers are cowdially invited to wrestle with the
issue of Animal Rights in future issues of Daily
Our thanks to Mad Dog Productions, P.O. Box 2263, Pasadena, CA 91102
one cow from that herd
swivels its head
to watch me wide-eyed
as I wander by along the fence line
but whatever its big brown eyes
are comprehending
it doesnt say
just goes back to munching
grass as I pass
Im not even worth a moo or two
at the moment because
most likely its preoccupied brain
is thinking
too busy making milk right now
Jim DeWitt
Kentwood, Michigan
walk over to the fence
walk back
sit down
stand up
eat dinner
Jason Baker
Parma, Ohio
Catching Up With Moss
Up and down the hills, the cows
make their slow march, still give
that irridescent blue milk. Babies
are crying less; patents investments
showing a turn for the worse. Govt.
closes more doors and my penis
fell of last week. Yesterdays mail
brought my ex-wifes first kiss.
postage due.
Paul Weinman
erotic cow
So here I lay
wet on baled hay...
bull-riding all day
aah cowlgon,
milk me away!
Josh Samuels
Chicago, Illinois
Jim DeWitt
Mad Dog
THE CHRISTMAS COW by Myron Macdonald
They told the story around the world and yet no one ever wrote it down. For long before
Santa and long before the elves ever dreamed of the North Pole, little children everywhere went to
sleep on Christmas Eve dreaming of Chilly Frilly, the Christmas Cow!
For every Christmas Eve the story was the same and yet the legend grew. Now it seems that
Chilly Frillys home was everyones backyard. Oh, you couldnt see Chilly Frilly and yet the children
all believed!
Now Chilly Frilly watched you all through the year. Each and every child would sense the
kindness and concern. They all tried to be their best. For they all wanted Chilly Frilly to stay and
watch over them!
Now, when they acted up, it got really chilly. And when they were really good, the skies got
all frilly. And if they were really good all year and if they tried their very best, then come Christmas
Eve and Chilly Frilly left the biggest presents, along with a Frilly Cake and a large Chilly Chocolate
On Christmas morning you could hear them sing for miles: Chilly Frilly/Chilly Frilly/Its A
Thrill/Its A Thrill/You Remembered To Remember All The Little Children/Just Like We
Remembered Chilly Frilly Today!
Saturday, December 24, 1991
By R. Randolph Handicapped
Cows Name Cows Jockey Payoff
Rods Pugwash Christine Amphlett 250 gallons
Belt Chastity Cher 65 gallons
Amazing Grace Pattie LaBulle 25 quarts
I Gotta Guy Whitney Chewston 12 quarts
Overeaters Anonymous Paula Abull Empty Pail
Talentless Lacowya Jackson Put To Sleep
Too Mulch Talk Sally Jesse Calfveal 170 gallons
Wheyt Gain Opera Winfry 85 gallons
FaceLifts Galore Joan Rivers 15 quarts
Calf Abuse Roseann Barn 5 squirts
Dynasty Slut Joan Cowlins Empty Pail
Hollywood Whore Angus Dickinson Put To Sleep
I Did It My Whey Nancy Sinatra 480 gallons
Married Again Elizabeth Taylor-Ham 190 gallons
Johns Moolah Yoko Ono 20 quarts
Davids Zine Helen Guernsey Brown 3 squirts
Dumb Danny Marilyn Quayle Empty Pail
Bimbos Delight Daryl Haynnah Put To Sleep
Most of you are reading this issue of Daily Cow because of one person-Mike Gunderloy. As
you know by now he recently sold Factsheet Five to Hudson Luce (see related story on page 4). Daily
Cow would like to acknowledge and thank Mike and the cooperative staff in Rensselaer, New York
for their listings/reviews of this zine which brought us many new friends, divergent viewpoints and
hilarious fun. Mike read and reviewed as many pounds of zines per day as a cow eats per day (and
damn thats alot)! We appreciate the time he took to look at our alternate universe. All the cows and
bulls at Top Hill Farms wish Mike the best in whatever future fields he may graze in and we will miss
his cowments about our zine. Three Moos for Mike. MOO! MOO! MOO!
Here are the reviews/listings of Daily Cow as they appeared in Factsheet Five:
Daily Cow #1 -A cute little bit of humor written from the cows point of view. The lead story concerns a strike of
milk cows until such time as the Cow Bull of Rights is passed. There are also silly puns, a word search,
television coverage, cow news, records and more. (Factsheet Five #30)
Daily Cow #2 -A small news bulletin all about cows. David covers the Cowstock Music Festival, the leading
causes of cow accidents, cults for cows, and so on. Picture features introduce leading bovine citizens. Theres
also a page of Cudery and cow-siffied ads. (Factsheet Five #31)
Daily Cow #3 -A zine all about cows, filled to the top with horrible puns and silliness. The lead article, for
example, is about Al Cowpones recently announced War on Bugs. In addition to the usual mania, cow pin-ups
and news items, this issue contains a page on The Society For The Preservation and Appreciation of Rooftop
Creatures. (Factsheet Five #33)
Daily Cow #4 -All the humor and cow puns that OSHA will allow to be printed in one place. Make Love Not
Milk is the cover story; inside there are bovine pinups, the flatulent earth, and ads for bull condoms. An
alternate universe lurks in these pages. (Factsheet Five #36)
Daily Cow #5 -Heres one for the bovine-lovers. Its a mix of true cow news and flights of fancy-the lead story in
this issue is all about the invasion of Cowait. There are readers cow pix, the Cownty Jail, and plenty of
similarly horrid puns. Cownt on some fun from this one. (Factsheet Five #39)
Daily Cow #6 -A zine of humor full of cowfoundedly bad puns. They feature all the latest news as seen through
bovine eyes, as well as multiple drawings of the critters. This issue leads off with a story about the assassination
of Al Cowpone. (Factsheet Five #43
Artist Robert Segarras rendering of
Benedict Arnold Ziffel who was sentenced
to life imprisonment on November 22nd
for the murder of Al Cowpone. During the
trial it was discovered that the assassin
was half pig. and half bee. Needless to say,
his wings have been clipped.
Question: Lately Ive noticed a lot of the better
cows toiletries label themselves as cruelty-free.
What exactly does that mean?
(Bertha in Boise)
Answer: They are tested on the CEOs of all the
major corporations in the world. We think they are
human beings but are not 100% certain. Nothing
seems to faze them anyway and it puts a few extra
bucks in their pockets...
Question: One of my testicles hangs lower than the
other. Is that bad? Should I worry? Do I need a
testicle splint?
(Buster in Balltimore)
Answer: Dont worry Buster, uneven testicles are
cowmonplace. One farmer who was close to his
herd found that 65% of them hung lower to the
left. A splint is not advisabull unless your lover
enjoys getting mounted by Woody Woodpecker.
(Send your cow and bull questions to
Dr. Denton c/o Daily Cow)
What does a bull use to be heard in a crowd?
A bullhorn!
What country has the most bulls?
What kind of bovine makes pearls?
How do cows steer their boats?
With their rudders!
What do you call a herd of cowmedians?
A laughingstock!
What did the cow say when she broke the toilet?
Let the chips fall where they may!
What is the first step practiced by Overeaters
Dont bite off more cud than you can chew!
What does a calf say to her mother?
Theres no udder but you!
Cows need almost as much sleep as humans do.
They lie down at night and sleep from 6 to 8
hours. And they close their eyes too!
Cows urinate between 6 to 8 times a day and
defecate from 13 to 16 times. This produces 30
pounds of urine and 65 pounds of feces per
day, per cow or 15 tons a year!
Cows tend to hump up to urinate, while bulls
stand squarely on all fours.
The gestation period of a cow is 280 days. The
number of females born each year is about
equal to the number of males.
Wisconsin has the most dairy cows (1,795,000)
and the most dairy farms (37,000) of any state.
An udder can weigh between 25 to 60 pounds.
The weight varies with a cows age, the amount
of milk present and other factors.
Milk is 87% water.
(Source: Old Farmers Almanac 1991)
I want to graze in a field of green
Lay down under a tree and feel serene
I want to have a calf to love
Let it suckle me not some glove
I want to be part of The Living Word
My nature calls, why isnt it heard?
Oow is Moo backwards and upside down
Theres no way out of this feedlot town
Most humans think Im a beef/milk machine
A commodity to enrich their money fields of
They keep me penned up, feed me drugs & slop
Lay down in my own shit and the pain in my
udder never stops
They take my calf as soon as its born
Let it die if its sick or comes out deformed
I want to be a part of The Living Earth
Can this torture be all my life is really worth?
Oow is Moo backwards and upside down
Theres no way out of this feedlot town
Most humans dont think I feel or bleed
All they can see is another mouth to feed.
by David R. Wyder
Modern factory dairy cows never see a
fresh blade of grass from birth to death.
(C. David Coats)
The missing link between animals and a
truly humane mankind is man himself,
who does not yet see himself as a part of
the world, claiming it instead for himself.
(Dr. Michael W. Fox)
Greetings and warm saluations and all that
stuff! Thanx infinitely for Daily Cow #6-it was
extremely inspiring for my bovine worship.
Ya know, I have an odd confession to make.
Our school is located in a hictown where half
the population is cows...and on somedays if the
wind is just right...you can catch a faint smell
of cowcakes..and I rather like that. Is this
normal? Are there support groups for this?
St. Bonaventure, New York
(Glad to have you out of the closet and openly
worshipping bovines Amy! It is perfectly
normal to enjoy the smell of cowcakes.
However, in Passaic all we can smell is
bullshit. It goes on and on day after day and
gets us all sick. We try to clear the air by
spraying a fine mist of Cownell No. 9 but we
only end up hurting the ozone even more.)
Thanx for the zine (and the extra one!). I
enjoyed all the puns and the political satire and
my girlfriend loved it all. At every damn cow
picture shed go look a cowie! and then laugh
because she loves them so much. In fact, I was
trying to put some mooves on her all that day
but she kept reading those damn papers and
laughing. Thanx for a truly rotten and
unfulfilling day.
New Smyna, Florida
(Sorry that DC proved to be such a distraction
in your amoorous-making. I have the same
problem with my girlfriend, Tean. Whenever
Mr. Ed is on Nick At Nite, I cant touch or
talk to her until that equine shuts his mouth!)
Have to hand it to you for knocking out the
kind of publication the Daily Cow is. Just
thinking of putting all that material into cow
talk boggles the mind. Especially enjoyed the
piece General Defecates on Bush and while
it took a while to read the entire issue managed
to make it just the same.
Claremont, California
(Many ask why DC isnt published more
often. The answer is what Jerry touched on
above. Putting out about 50 pages a year of
cow talk does a job on this 36 year old brain of
mine. We highly recowmend that cow fans
send for a sample copy of Jerrys excellent
publication The Prairie Rambler, which is
a monthly 8 page digest of thought provoking
quotes from his reading. Send $1 and a stamp
to him at P.O. Box 505, Claremont, CA 91711.
You wont regret it.)
Send me an issue of Daily Cow ASAP. Your
publication sounds most intriguing? I am a
graduate student doing research on zines and
fanzines. Enclosed is a brief questionnaire
about your publication. I would greatly
appreciate your sending back this information
with an issue of Daily Cow
Maureen Kilmurray
Hayward, California
(Happy to help you out, Maureen. Hope you
get a Grade A on your paper!)
Alice Cowpone assassinated? How could you
kill one of your main characters? Whaddya
think this is, real life or something? Jeez, Im
sorry to see her go. I also notice that you have
some kind of proclivity towards maniac pigs in
your last issue.
Im sending you a few photos that were taken
on a recent vacation when my bullfriend and I
drove out to Colorado. I dont know if we gave
off bad vibes or what, but those cows were so
suspicious of us! They kept their eyes on us the
whole time and mooved away when we
mooved closer. Finally, at a different place,
Kevin and I just sat for a long time and finally
the cows came up to us a bit. Maybe they just
dont trust humans (and who could blame
Driving throughout the Midwest we saw and
smelled many feedlots. What terrible places
they are. I wanted to open the fences and let all
the cows free. We also saw lots of trucks
transporting cows to slaughterhouses. It was so
sad. I yelled at some of the drivers but I dont
think they herd me.
Donna Nicolino
San Diego, California
(Thanks for the pix Donna. They will be used
somewhere along the line. As long as
humanunkind has a taste for beef a cows life
will be one of cruelty and certain unnatural
death. Perhaps humanunkind will someday
learn to subsist on thinks other than creatures
which obviously bleed and feel pain in the
process of bringing them to market.)
Hay, yea emily was a great cow. The atom
heart mutha of us all. That blotter sure soaked
us good. Can you really divorce yourself to
speak to these bovines? Its raining again but I
got my rubbers. Daily Chow is full of jumping
jack gas...Umagumma,
Syd Barrett
Cheshire, England
(Okay, okay actually the mobsteers do all the
talking. I just do the transcribing. I could
never write anyway. Shine on you crazy
Feedback and clippings for the DC Archives
were also received from Rev. Barron of The
Universal Church of Fun, Colleen of Chicowgo,
Jude Cowlips, Trish Davis (a teacher of cow),
Ms. Valerie Gancarz (a teacher of mine or
mime), Mike Gunderson, Gene Guthrie, Mark
Pile of Cows Hejnar, David Lauten, Rodney
Leighton, Joy-Lily, Judith Mielke, Chris
Miksanek, my Mom (hope to see you soon!), Joe
E. Sheets, Cheryl Townsend, Gil Wood and
others who I forgot to write down (sorry). Keep
all those letters and cow clippings coming.
The DAILY COW is published twice a year
which is about daily in cow time. This issue can
be had for 1 pint of milk, $1 in cash, stamps,
trade or cow clipping. Back issues (#1-#6) are
availabull for $1 each.
The DAILY COW believes your diet
is your own personal concern. We
love moo all regardless of your
consumption habits.
Tired of that 5 to 9 grind of milk me, eat, lay
down, eat and milk me some more? Tired of being
landlocked and want to get off the farm? Well, here's
your chance!
Sail the Cud Ship Lollipop for an 80 day cruise
around the world. A char broil way to lose weight and
expand your horizons. No fields to graze in just miles
and miles of ocean. Give your udder a rest. Sit in our
half ton deck chairs, put on the shades and tan your
rawhide to leather. Bring the calves and lover bully
along for family fun. Entertainment nightly by Flank
Snotra and Tina "Ginger" Louise. Meals catered by
Slim Fast Seaweed, Inc.
WARNING: Cows on Cud Ship Lollipop may
experience childish cowments by Captains and First
Mates, nasty cowments by 2 Live Crew, quackery by
the Vet and fattening snacks by Hostess. Buttercup
Cruises is not responsible for deaths due to human
hunger, drowning, udder harpooning or shuffleboard
The original bull breakfast sileage paste
guaranteed to make you hit on the heifers. Apply
liberally to cows genitalia and lick away. Fills in all
those nooks and crannies. Drives all the heifers
crazy and makes them mentally unstable and under
your control for at least five years. Also removes
unwanted pubic hair.
WARNING: The use of Clarence Thomas'
English Muffpaste may result in smear campaigns,
double breasted sexual harassment suits, the
wearing of long dark robes for the rest of your life
and irreparable damage to female cows who will no
longer have a say in what they can do with their
Call 1-800-LIE-LIAR
We are all deeply hurt and saddened by the
murder of Alice Cowpone. However, the actions of a
few should not be blamed on the whole. We must
stop all this chickenshit fighting and work together to
defeat our cowmon enemy-MAN!
We ask that you stop robbing our piggy banks
and beating our egg whites. We ask that you stop
calling us filthy pigs and dumb clucks. We ask that
you join with us in rooting out hate and violence
wherever it may exist. Lets love one an udder
before its too late.
"Meat Hooks In My Brain" is the new book of
cowetry from the USOB's greatest living writer
Charlene Bucowski. Here is the story of the dairy
where she works day after day hooking for her big
break in Hollyweed. One critic said, "Bucowski's
farts are realer than the Empire State Building" (and
may we add more powerful than a locomotive).
Here's an excerpt from her poem "Drunk In The
My tenderloins
hung over
the typewriter
As he banged
Other great titles include Post No Bulls,
Castrated by Warner Brothers, John Lennon Was A
Wuss, and the epic A Horse With No Name (How Do
I Place My Bet). Availabull at book stores that still
believe in the power of the free word!
A non-profit and for private collecting purposes only zine...
Dont get the idea that Im one of
those goddamn radicals. Dont
get the idea that Im knocking the
American system. Al Capone
Wheres the
Rest of Me!
DALLAS-Alice Cowpone, beloved leader of the Bossy Federation of America,
was gunned down yesterday by a lone pig. The assassin, identified as Benedict
Arnold Ziffel of Hooterville, Kentucky, was apprehended and is being held at
Oswald's Slaughterhouse. The filthy swine is being grilled by Federal Bovine
Investigators (FBI) for possible links to a sausage terrorist organization.
Cowpone, age 46, was the top bossy in these United Steaks of Bovine (USOB)
and in April won a mudslide victory over Joan McDonald for six more years of
mob rule. She was in Dallas to lay a wreath at a local Burger King to honor and
protest the cattle who are slain to feed the carnivorous human population who
currently control the earth.
At 1:05 Pasture Time (PT) three shots rang out near the drive-in window where
an obese human had just ordered ten whoppers and fries to go. The bossy
leader and thirteen other cows had their tails joined and were mooing an off key
version of "Old McDonald Had A Farm" when terror struck. The first shot
exploded her head, the second her udder and the last shot her heavy heart.
Despite attempts by Burger King personnel to bring her inside to a central
freezer, Cowpone lay firmly on the pavement until an ambullance rushed her to
Dr. Bob Dobb's Veterinary Clinic where she was pronounced Department of
Agriculture (DOA) on arrival. The last words she uddered were, "New York is
where I'd rather stay, I get allergic smelling hay."
At 2:22 Barn Time (BT) second-in-cowmand of the Bossy Federation, Donna
Cowleone, officially took the teats of power. In a short moo she said, "My fellow
cud chewers do not stampede or cry over spilled milk. We must moove forward
into love not backwards into the slop of hate." Cowleone pledged to continue
mob rule and begin a thorough investigation into Cowpone's death.
Cowpone's husband, Jackie Blue, was on vacation at Rod's Stud Farm in Nova
Scotia where he is being comforted by twenty heifers around the clock in
Hammer Time (HT). The Cowpone's six offspring were in shock and informed
souses quoted one as saying, "Death To All Pigs." The calves names and their
location is being withheld, as usual, to protect their guilt.
A memoorial service will be held on July 4th at Giants Stadium in the
Meadowlands, New Jersey. The eulogy will be given by noted author Zane
Graze. The body will then be flown to the John Gotti Golf Course where Cowpone
will be buried under the 18th green where she once had a hole in one.
Farewell Alice Cowpone! We raise our tails to you and mourn the passing of one
who didn't give a shit, want any shit and most of all one who didn't take any shit.
Cover Story - Page 1
Pix - Page 2, 4
News - Page 3, 5
Muse - Page 6
Cowmentary - Page 7
Dairy Queen Pinup - Page 8
Cow Stories - Page 9, 10
Cowtoons - Page 11, 12
Green Acres - Page 13
Kale - Page 14
Alfalfa - Page 15
Feedback - Page 16, 17
Cowmercials - Page 18
Boviniacs - Page 19
Back Cover - Page 20
Originally Published 06/01/91
Digitally Remastered 02/25/01
The Daily Cow Interview
Hank Kimball, County Agent
Guard against armed pigs and
swine flu outbreak. Huge
chunks of green cheese possibly
falling to earth. Heads Up!
Plenty to eat but easy does it.
TILL DEATH DO US PART-A rare picture of Alice Scarudder and Jackie
Blue Cowpone getting married in the District of Cowlombia on November
22, 1963. Pictured are Alice (laying down), Jackie (standing), Billy Goat
(Best Man?), Mary Lamb (Maid of Honor), Little Lamb, and Paul Potter
(Justice of the Piece). The happy cowple later honeymooed in Grass Valley,
California and the rest is a bovine love story.
KIXVILLE-A grizzly discovery was made last night
when 20 thought to be missing cows were found
murdered and buried in shallow, bowl-shaped graves.
The graves were all marked by a huge spoon and each
had a dead cow inside awash in her own milk, liberally
sprinkled with sugar and topped with sliced bananas.
Because of the method of burial, it is widely believed
that this is the work of the notorious cereal killing
team of Brandon Flake and Trixie Norton. Captain
Crunch of the Special K Cowicide Unit said they have
been able to trace the cowple to Battle Creek,
Michigan where they hung low and checked into the
Honeymooners Suite at the Gleason Motel. They then
flew to Florida and were spotted in the stands at the
Sugar Bowl before vanishing from sight again.
Captain Crunch warns that these cows are extremely
dangerous and that they have left a total of 120 dead
cows in their wake. They usually strike in the early
morning hours and finish the killing and burial before
lunch. Brandon Flake is described as brown and
weighs about 1991 pounds. Trixie Norton is multi-
coloured and weighs about 995 pounds. Anyone
knowing of their whereabouts should contact radio
station WPMS which plays three weeks of blues and
one week of ragtime. The station also maintains a 24
hour a day hotline to catch these slippery cereal
FORT BRAGG-General Norman Schwarzcow who
only last February liberated Cowait is back in the
U.S.O.B. (United Steaks of Bovine) and causing a big
stink everywhere he goes. He was arrested yesterday
by the Moo Police (MP's) after defecating on a bush in
Georgetown, Maryland. General Schwarzcow is being
held in a stockade where he is awaiting a pussy
discharge from the military in order to run for
politicow office.
It was not clear weather (sic) or not Stormin' Norman
would be allowed to appear in any more parades after
this latest incident. He has been repeatedly booked for
boring the country with his "thanks for the support"
speeches. A blue ribbon panel is also being convened
to investigate charges that he profited from a 65%
interest in the Dawn's Early Light Ribbon Company of
Orlando, Florida.
JERSEY CITY-A herd of radical cows that calls itself
Outspoken Lusty Dingbats For A Greener Earth
(OLDAGE) have announced plans to send four
hundred nuclear manure missles to the moon and blow
it to kingdom come.
A long statement released by the groups cow-founders
Catherine Haydo and Susie Solidoor says the
following: "By blowing up the moon and freeing the
Earth of its gravity pull, the earth's axis will tilt just
enough to make deserts bloom and other arid areas
green enough to make more room for us to graze.
Also, when the moon explodes, huge chunks of green
cheese will fall to Earth and restock the low cheese
coffers of the USDA and lessen the demand for our
byproducts which in turn will give us more time to
hang out with our bullfriends. The days of cows
jumping over the moon will also be over."
So far no one in the cow world is paying much
attention to these dingbats. However, it is widely
known in cow circles that lust and hunger can drive
these two cows to accomplish most anything they want
to. Its going to be a long and bumpy ride cow fans.
BEVERLY HILLS-A one ton black bull was the
victim of a brutal beating and later killed on Rodeo
Drive after being stopped for speeding. A home video
showed ten officers of the goddamn law beating King
Rodney III with clubs, zapping him with cattle prods
and hurling invectives.
At one point the dazed bull leapt over a barbed wire
fence. The officers then chased the snorting animal as
it burst through gardens and rammed vehicles. A
woman who emerged carrying two bags of food threw
them into the air and ran for cover as the injured bull
headed her way.
At the end of the home video, Pete Moss, the owner of
a local livestock market shot the bull nine times with a
22 caliber rifle. However, it did not die until Police
Chief Pearly Gates fired three shots at close range.
The carcass was then turned over to Moss for
Iron Mike Bison, former heavyweight chump,
poses after marriage to Marvelous Merv
Griffin. The wedding was held at Ballys
Cowsino in Atlantic City. The ceremony lasted 45
seconds. Lets hope the marriage lasts longer.
Hanibelle Lechter shown in rare photo before
biting the hand that use to feed her. Hanibelle
is the only known cow to eat humans alive and
is now in a maximum security prison after
eating 12 human beings in one day.
Donna Cowleone, new leader of the Bossy Federation,
plays tennis in her backyard in Teataboro, New Jersey.
Problems arose when a pig from Oink Monthly was
assaulted by Donna after shooting a photo of her
cheating and paying off some zine writers.
Work began yesterday on the 3 mile high
silo being built as a tribute to the slain
bossy leader. Above, Bob Black, who is the
head riveter, ponders the meaning of work.
BRONX ZOO-A milking contest sponsored by
DAILY COW was held last Sunday between games of
a doubleheader played by the New York Yankees and
the Bossytown Red Sox.
A team of nine ready to be milked Holstein cows were
led onto each position in the field by diminutive play
by play announcer Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto to a loud
round of Bronx Moos.
When the Scooter shouted "Holy Cow" nine Con
Edison youngsters raced onto the field and began
milking their designated cow to see who could get the
most milk into a pail in ten minutes time. Earl Battey
was there with the kids, as usual, to answer any
questions they might have and to clean up after the
cows. The winner with 54 pints of milk in his pail was
Mickey Mental of Brooklyn. His prize was a lifetime
supply of milk courtesy of the Munson Dairy.
This annual event gives inner city kids a rare taste of
farm life. Most city kids never get to see a cow, let
alone milk one. It also gives the cows a chance to
graze in The House That Ruth Built and chase down
flies in the outfield.
BULLEMIA-Mr. Ed, the equine sitcom star of the
60's, announced the opening of the world's first cow
racetrack yesterday. The Wilbur Post Memorial Track
will have ten races a day and feature thoroughbred
cows with nude female jockeys.
Mr. Ed, sporting a mauve Kentucky derby atop his
head, was ebullient about his latest business venture.
The press cowference was held in an apple orchard
with free carrots and oat dip for those present. Ed
looked well despite his age and frequent bouts with
Addison's disease.
We spoke to Ed and he said, "Bring your binoculars
buddy boy. Cow racing is a lot slower than horse
racing but the way I've got it set up folks won't mind.
What fun it will be watching all those udders and
titties bouncing up and down that 1/2 mile track. Post
time is 7 p.m. and I'll be there with my latest philly
Domino and old sourpuss Wilbur."
Place your bets! A titillating time is guaranteed for all.
BUTTERMILK-Wilson Pickett the mayor of this
small New Jersey town is embroiled in a violent
dispute with cows for erecting a 12 foot high electric
fence around Mustang Alley. A herd of bovines from
Midnight Hour Farms claim that the fence stops them
from grazing on a choice parcel of land that legally
falls in the area of Public Domain. Two calves were
recently fried when they fell into the fence after
drinking hopscotch.
Cows armed with sabers are now picketing Wilson's
house in protest of the fence. Pickett was elected last
year on a platform of "Lawn & Order" and says that he
will not be foiled in his attempt to keep cows off the
A spokescow for the picketing herd, Nipples Russell,
also claims that they have 50 Jehovah witnesses that
Pickett fences stolen farm machinery. The cows hope
to oust Pickett from office in a total recall moovement
next month.
CHICOWGO-Two members of the popular cow
singing group Wilson Phillips were attacked while
performing on stage at the Third Annual Live Stock
Aid Festival. A deranged and drunk pig by the name
of Porky Rinds rushed the stage and punctured the
udders of two group members with an orange
screwdriver. The two heifers are now in serious
condition at Mt. Silo Cowspital.
Detective Vodka Smirnoff explained that there weren't
many good vibrations at concert and that it was
Monday and you just can't trust that day. He also
faulted the Ex-Lax Security Force saying that most of
them were in the Porta John Lennon's at the time of the
The highlight of the concert was when singer Juice
Newton joined the band Pile of Cows for a rousing six
hour version of "Hay Jude" and a two hour encore of
The latest in a long line of tragedies to afflict cows is the current generation of calves who are in
total rebellion against everything their parents stand for and in. Too many of our young generation
have become juvenile delinquents and gone completely sour to the ideal that a cow's life can improve
by working within the system.
These days our young can be seen roaming the fields in gangs, destroying property, mocking
their elders, abusing cowcaine and smoking the dreaded milkweed. They put tattoos on their
underdeveloped udders with phrases like "Born To Die" and "Society Sucks-We Don't" and dye
their body hair in day glow colors of pink, red, green and purple. They spend all day in the
hay loft stoned to the udders watching MOO TV and copulating at the drop of a pail. This is
a generation that has gone to sod.
The noted psycowlogist B.F. Skinner just published a book entitled "The Teatless Generation" which
goes far in explaining why some of our calves have gone haywire. He writes that these calves,
separated at birth from their mother, and forced to suck their milk from a hollowed out piece of
corn are dysfunctional. Their isolation from momma cow has in turn deprived them of the three
most essential needs of all creatures in early development.
These three needs are the bonding of mother with her offspring, the nourishment of her milk
and the sense of belonging to a family unit. Skinner goes on to write that it should come as no
surprise to us that this generation is lost in space. They have had nothing but an artificial
world to feed them from Day 1.
Once again it is the fault of humanunkind for the sick behaviorial patterns of our youth. Due to the
human beings insatiable lust and greed for our milk we are no longer able to raise our young properly.
This practice of separation at birth must cease immediately. Cows must be granted full maternity
leave and newborns must be given first crack at their mother's milk. Without the enactment of
these provisions, each new generation of calves will be unable to grow up normally and lead
productive lives.
We cannot do the job of force feeding reality to those thrust into unreality. We want our
calves back and we want them back now! We are frightened by these "Calves of the Corn." Our
hearts and minds go out to this teatless generation for growing up unloved, malnourished and
we can now understand how their graze leads them to a path of self-destruction.
As the Poet Lariat of England Henrietta Waddsworth LongUdder once wrote, "A mother's love is
the most precious love of all." To deny our young this love condemns them to a life devoid of all
meaning and hope. Don't you think our offspring deserve a better start to their life? As usual the
air is very thin up here on Mount Moo. I must climb down and catch my breath. May you all graze in
peace and love. Until next time?
The Guru Moo
It is said not to cast your pearls before swine and sadly
today our finest pearl has been offed by the worst kind
of swine. Alice Cowpone gave her life for this nation
and today we graze udderless and lost in a sea of sour
milk. The tearful mooing you hear from coast to coast
and the symbolic wearing of black udder bands only
underscores the shock we are all feeling at Cowpone's
murder. Although the grief will pass with time, the
reality of our loss will linger in our cluttered minds for
many moons to come.
Thus far around the country two moovie theaters, five
alimentary schools, ten dairies and fifteen golf courses
have been renamed in Cowpone's honor. We here at
DAILY COW are now calling for all bovine citizens
to observe an hour of silence on June 22nd to honor
our slain leader. We ask all cows to refrain from
mooing, grazing, cud chewing, sporting activities, sex
and waste expulsion in order for this tribute to be a
truly mooving one.
We also offer our deepest cowdolences to Jackie Blue
and the rest of the Cowpone Clan. We can rest assured
that they will be well taken care of due to Cowpone's
well known practice of dipping into government
pension funds for her own personal use.
These are deranged and moody times to be a cow.
However, we will regain our sense of contentment and
moove forward as a nation to our goal of freedom
from human consumption by the year 2000. Alice
Cowpone is dead but that dream is very much alive
and cooking!
A nine member panel has been formed to fully
investigate the Cowpone killing. The members are
Supreme Court Justice Hamilton Burger, Cow
Intelligence Agency Heads Moo, Larry & Curly
Howard, Moo York Governor Maria Cuomoo,
Manure Baron J.R. Ewing, Realist publisher Paul
Grassner and private citizens Bonnie & Bob Barker.
Daily Cow recowmends that they ask the following
key and impertinent questions?
1. Was this the act of alone, crazed pig or was this a
2. What were Cowpones pit bull security guards
doing grazing on that Grassy Knoll?
3. Why were Ray Kroc, Ronald McDonald and Dave
Wendy all in Dallas yesterday?
As of this day Benedict Arnold Ziffel has remained
silent. If he won't squeal to the panel, perhaps answers
can be found elsewhere. The bovines of this country
deserve to know the truth or face the consequences of
a future based on lies and further unanswered killings.
"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask
what your country can do for you."
(Cowpone 1/23/88)
"A clean cow government is a
constipated cow government."
(Cowpone 3/3/90)
"Even if we knock out all their teeth,
there will still be some humans who
will want to consume us."
(Cowpone 4/2/91)
"If there is such a thing as reincarnation,
I want to come back as a Miami dolphin."
(Cowpone 5/5/91)
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd at Top Hill Farms
COWTRIBUTORS: William Haynes, M.P. Macdonald,
Mad Dog, Jack Murphy, Scot Rhoads, Walt Phillips,
Wayne Wolbert.
All unsigned articles by the Editor. Cowwaspondence,
artwork and written submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
NAME: Anna Mae Bullock (Tina Turner)
BIRTHPLACE: Nutbush City Limits, Louisiana
OCCUPATION: Private Barn Dancer
RELIGION: The Church of Tina Chopp
AMBITION: To Open Up A Chain of Discows in Saudia Arabia
FAVE POSITION: Fellatio, Clerk-Typist
FAVE FOODS: Suburban Lawns, Twinkies, Geritol
FAVE MOOVIE: Fiddler On The Hoof
FAVE BOOK: Mooby Dick by Herman Bellveal
LIKES: Tom Brocow, Bullpens, Erections, The Lost Peruke
DISLIKES: Ike, Cattle Prods, Cowcaine, Pitbulls, Stocking Runs, Beer
FANTASY: A Roll In The Hay With Marvin Gaye!
QUOTE: "Life Is A Bore So Fuck Me Some More!"
In May morning comes early on the Anderson
Blue Jays Farm. Mom and Pop had been up for two
hours; larks were singing and the day sparkled. From
up the stairs, a voice preceded a twelve year old boy.
Morning, Mum. Has Bossie had her calf yet?
Nothing yet, but your dads at the barn right now.
Well, heres a question you can answer, Mum.
Whats for breakfast? Its like this, Josh, you have
your choice of oatmeal or oatmeal. Oatmeals fine,
Mom. Ill have mine with cream and honey, please.
A sunny silence was interrupted by a long,
mournful bellow from the direction of the cow barn.
That sounds like Bossie, declared a young female
voice. Any news yet? Josh said, None yet, as he
was joined at the sturdy round table by his twin sister
Josie. I sure hope its a heifer, she said. And I
hope its a bull calf, remarked Josh. Now Josh and
Josie, you know one of you will be disappointed.
Pop was up most of the night with Bossiethis will
be her first calf, you know. Either way, he hopes it
will be born alive and healthy.
Well, I hope its soon, whatever it is, said Josh.
Id like to know before bus time whether or not Im
going to have a calf to raise for my 4-H summer
project. Me too. Can we go to the barn to see
whats going on? Please, please Mum, pleaded
Josie. Your father will let you know in his own
good time. Lets see, its ten after eight right now. If
youre ready for the bus in ten minutes, youll have
a few minutes to go to the barn.
Ive got my bookbag ready, said Josh. Are the
lunches packed? Yes, Josh, answered Mrs.
Anderson. You know childrenher voice lowered
and took on a serious tone. Your father is a modern
Solomon. Since theres going to be only one calf this
spring, hes wisely decided that Josh will raise it if
its a little bull calf, but if a heifer is born, its
Josies Gee, I hope it arrives before the school bus
comes, Josie said. Hector's been running early
lately. Ears cocked, they finished their cereal. Josh
gulped his second large glass of sweet dairy milk
and reached for an extra banana from the center
bowl. For recess he told his mother. No extra
charge she laughed.
Both children carried their dishes to the sink.
Then Josie went to her room to get her bookbag and
gym shoes. A whine from the porch reminded Josh
of another duty and he went out with food for
Laddie, their collie, and Spotty the house cat.
By the time they had gathered again in the
kitchen it was 8:20. Mom gave Joshs curls a loving
pat and looked Josie up and down. They passed
inspection. OK kids, you should have about five
minutes to visit Bossiebut hurry. the children
stepped out of the squeaking screen door and
glanced up the road as one. Approaching their lane,
dust swirling, was the boxy school bus. At the same
moment they heard their fathers urgent voice:
toward the barn they saw him beckon excitedly. The
twins looked at the slowing school bus again, then at
their father-the bus-their father. It was as if they
were watching a fast moving game of ping pong. A
voice from behind them said firmly, Go to your
father. Mother stepped outside. Ill tell Hector,
she flung back as she moved toward the bus.
Josie and Josh looked at each other wide-eyed,
dropped their school things and pelted toward the
barn. Laddie and Spotty streaked right along beside
them, scattering the bewildered hens as they ran.
Their father had returned to the dark, damp cow barn
by the time the twins burst in from the sunlight. Not
use to the darkness, their eyes struggled to see
clearly. What is it, Pop? they gasped. Come see
for yourselves, he replied. Their eyes focused on
Bossie, and the on the straw beside her they saw a
wet mottled mass which Bossie was licking
vigorously with her long raspy tongue. what is it
Pop? queried Josie. Take a good look, he said.
With vision clearing, the twins hunkered down
closer. There are two of them! exclaimed Josh.
Yessiree,nodded their dad. One bull and one
heifer. Twins for twins. Mom was right. You
certainly are a Solomon, said Josie. Pop said
nothing. He just beamed.
The swells of the massive ocean
swirled as the brigantine bounded
beneath the twinkling stars.
Sam Champlain stood at the bow;
his face strained and pale. Sam
glanced starboard as he murmured
his affection to Champagnette,
Frances finest milk cow.
A gentle mooing stilled the night
Three days since port and her
thoughts were of the new land.
She would be Canadas first cow.
What an honor! What a distinction!
She was just what the anemic
pirates needed at their secretive
North Beach rendezvous. No more
peasant hands would rough her gentle
udder. The aristocratic pigs never
deserved her creamy drink. Ah, but
them swashbucklers, they would
appreciate her cream, those mighty
controller kings of the seven seas.
July 1604 promised to be historic
Satin britches, Moo.
Velvet shirts, Moo.
High cut boots and cream too,
Moo, Moo, & Mooooo.
Im the cow with the carnation
Seventeen days later and the fiery
river comes into view. Ah, tis
Richbucto, and where are you Mr.
Teach? Finely, a voice splices the
sunset, Come, Champagnette, its Bill
Teach and you are home. You are
among friends.
This is how Champagnette saved
satiny throats, restored decency to
piracy, and became Canadas first
She lived out her life on Dead
Mans Island. It is said she took the
secret of the greatest pirate
treasure to her grave. Yet, there are
those who still claim to hear her
symbolic Moo, Moo, Moo & Mooooo as
she guards Bill Teachs great wealth.
Two old codgers, Rich & Bucto, now
tell us the rest.
Her ancestors?
Come now, surely you have heard
of Beefallo!
William Bonnie Beefallo?
Thats him, 21 notches on his left
Left hoof?
Yup, he was definitely left
The author, M.P. Macdonald, is a cowstorian
and a BSC (Bachelor of Cowlauriate).
He hails from from Richibucto, Canada
By Mad Dog
By Wayne Wolbert
By Scot Rhoads
by David Webster Mooey
AGRICULTURE-A system of farming
whereby animals are kept in captivity in order
to produce food for human beings.
AMBULLANCE-A vehicle for transporting
injured or ill cattle to the cowspital.
BASEBULL-A sadistic game played by
overpaid and spoiled cows. They put a bat in
their hooves and try to hit a pitched bull testicle
over the barnyard fence.
BULLPEN-A writing instrument for bulls.
Also, a fenced in area where bulls warm up
their balls before the big game.
BUTCHER-To murder in cold blood. One
who slaughters animals for food or for profit.
CHAMOOIS-What cows wear when they are
menstruating. Also used by rich bulls to polish
their cowdillacs.
CHUBBY CHECKER-A cab that cows hail in
the city to get out of limbo. In the country an
approaching tornado or twister.
COWCH-A cushioned piece of furniture that
cows recline on to watch TV, read, snack or
make love on.
COWMODE-A huge, portable toilet for the
cow on the run. The Emir of Cowait has one
that is gold plated.
COWTHEDERAL-Warehousesfor bullshit.
St. Patricks Cowthederal in New York City
holds the most. Also, a place for Holy Cows!
OZONE-The layer of skin on a cow which
brings her to sexual climax.
Alice (The Chicken)
Eb Dawson
Lisa Douglas
Oliver Wendell Douglas
Sam Drucker
Eleanor (The Cow)
Mr. Haney
Newt Kiley
Hank Kimball
Ben Miller
Ralph & Alf Monroe
Luke Trendel
Darlene Wheeler
Fred & Doris Ziffel
Arnold Ziffel (The Pig)
Question: Every time I hoof on over to the shoe
store, Im confronted with something new. First it
was extra eyeholes for laces, then it was air pumps
and now it is something called Manure Pushers.
What are they?
Answer: Only the greatest invention in cow
footwear my four-footed friend. Manure Pushers
are made by MOO-kies of Toronto and their sole
purpose is to keep the shit off your shoes while
grazing. And hay buddy, they work! These shoes
for moos are coated with a new wonder chemical
called Dykstra (tobacco juice, human saliva and
an unknown free agent) which causes the manure
to dissolve upon contact with the shoe. No more
slipping and sliding in the flop bovines, just
smooth sailing in the pasture of life!
A special thank moo to all my coworkers at the
Passaic High School Cafeteria for the surprise party
they threw at me last January 23rd. One of the
highlights was an ice cream sheet cake which had a
beautifully carved cow on the top. This cow remains
in my freezer at home grazing on ice cubes and
iceberg lettuce.
Congratulations to Lauren Delene Francies on
graduating from Rutgers this past May. Lauren
majored in journalism and is now looking for new
fields to conquer. Hay Lauren, how would you like
to be a Field Reporter for Daily Cow?
Are there cowbells in the future for D.M. and T.C.?
The cow is of the bovine ilk
one end is moo, the other milk.
(Ogden Nash)
Forget about your sheep
and all your smiling shepherds
For I have found another
and what a lovely udder
grassy brown-eyed lover.
(William P. Haynes-Elliot)
The Buffalo
though he knew the others
had all been
he didnt know
anything to do
but keep on grazing
(Walt Phillips)
Cows have keener senses of hearing and smell than
humans. With the help of a stiff breeze, a cow can
detect odors from six miles away.
A cow cannot vomit. Her intestines are as much as
170 feet long. Her liver weighs 10 to 12 pounds, the
heart 5 pounds and the kidneys average 20 pounds
a piece.
One rule of thumb is to castrate a calf when his
testicles are the size of a squirrels head.
Most cows like to be rubbed or scratched under the
chin and behind the ears.
Cows spend about 6 hours a day eating and about 8
hours chewing their cud. Cows chew about 50 times
per minute.
(Source: Old Farmers Almanac 1991)
We need another and a wise and, perhaps, a more mystical
concept of animals. We patronize them for their
incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form
so far below ourselves. And therein we err, and greatly
err. For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a
world older and more complete than ours they move
finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the
senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we
shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not
underlings, they are other nations, caught with ourselves
in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the
splendour and travail of the earth.
(The Outermost House by Henry Beston)
When did animal protein become the center of good
nutrition in the publics mind? In the 1920s, the
USDA interested in increasing farm cash income,
joined forces with the meatpacking industry to
educate our nations children. Eventually, with
continuing pressure from livestock companies, the
Four Food Groups was created in 1956. Since
then, our public schools have been the receptacle for
free nutritional education courtesy of the meat,
poultry and dairy industries. These teaching
materials often contain cute drawings of smiling pigs
and chicks playing in the straw with their mothers,
complete with sunshine and picket fences.
When most of us imagine where milk, eggs and meat
come from, we envision a sunny farm where cows
graze with their young, pigs roll in the mud and
chickens scramble about the barnyard. The animals
appear so wholesome and pure and we get the
impression that they are healthy and happy.
Cows, pigs and chickens are held indoors and
jammed into crates and small pens where they can be
easily tended by automatic feeders, waterers and
waste removal machinery. The crowding, stress and
pollution impair the animals health and
productivity, requiring massive doses of drugs to
keep the factory profitable.
(Source: ActionLine)
Cow-A-Bung-A #1: The best 22 pages of Xeroxed
cow art and clever cowments that I have seen to
date. A definite cow classic! Get your copy for $1.75
and two stamps from S. Minstrel, 730 Chicago
Blvd., San Antonio, TX 78210.
Bovine Gazette: A hilarious cow-related cowmix
zine which features the Adventures of Professor
Slug & Bob. Send $1 to Mad Dog Productions,
P.O. Box 2263, Pasadena, CA 91102.
Twisted Image: This is a book of the collected
comic strips of Ace Backwords and is available from
Loompanics Unlimited, P.O. Box 1197, Port
Washington, WA 98368. The cost is $12.95 plus
$3 in shipping and handling. Ace is the best non-
mobster cartoonist in the U.S. of A. (he aint
syndicated yet). Daily Cow is listed in the opening
of this book as a publication where his strip has
appeared (DC #4) and the next strip of his with a
cow in it will most likely be run here as well.
Nowhere can I think so happily as in a
train. I see a cow and I wonder what it is
like to be a cow, and I wonder whether the
cows wonders what it is like to be me.
(A.A. Milne)
You can receive the ActionLine every
other month for just $5 a year. Send a
check to Action for Animals, 729 E.
Bayaud Ave., Denver, CO 80209 and
mark as a subscription.
Thank you very much for the four back issues
of Daily Cow and I view it as a real status
symbol to now be on the mailing list. Id wax
ecstatically about the magazine but I find that
youve used every cow pun Ive ever thought of
and some I hadnt (which I fully intend to steal
and use). To those of us who view Woody
Jackson as a sort of god, you are close to
usurping his place if not surpassing him.
I am a teacher in the Tacoma School District
and we have incorporated Cows as our
classroom theme (Get in the reading and math
mooo-d). Our bull etin board is one large cow
that we decorate as the seasons change.
Currently the cow is standing among
snowflakes. In February she will wear
Valentines hearts and in March shamrocks,
etc. When I finish with Daily Cow, Im going
to pin it to the bull etin board for the children to
read. The children, of course, suspect that I
have become quite eccentric but then I dont
understand their fixations for Bart Simpson and
Ninja Turtles. Anyway, thank you again for the
delightful Daily Cow. Its comforting to see
Im not alone in my Cowmania.
Trish Davis
Tacoma, Washington
(Thank moo for the kind words, Trish. We
both work for our loco Bored of Education
and believe me that can drive anyone to
Cowmania or any other type of mania for that
matter. Im a secretary in the Food Service
Department and fear I will someday be on the
menu should the USDA run low on
commodity beef. Trish also sent a lottery
ticket (reprinted below) for Moo-La-Mania
put out by the California State Lottery. Alas,
all Mooey could scratch off the milk bottles
was WOO, OOW,COO and WOW. If I had hit
the $10,000 prize, Woody Jackson would have
received one hell of an order for Trish Davis
in Tacoma, Washington!)
I would like to request a copy of your zine and
alert you to the menace of a known cow abuser.
Wall-ter, Box 111, Lebanon, KY 40033, has
boasted of the cows he has had sex with and
insulted half the mail artists in America. Thats
why we, in alliance with the Cows United to
Stop Sodomy (CUSS) have launched the Mail
Artists Insult Holy War against this infidel!
Join the joke jihad and bombard this jerk with
I am enclosing $1 and a copy of my zine, The
Weird News, with a story on this war. A
collection of Wall-ters most infamous material
on having sex with cows and his insults is
available from Hokey Mojo, 1537 E. Strasburg,
Rd., West Chester, PA 19380 or from Graham
Trievel, Box 481, Rt. 113, Lionville, PA
Dr. Don Busky
Philadelphia, PA
(Upon receipt of the above letter, I sent all
five issues of Daily Cow to Wall-ter and asked
for a story about his sex life with cows.)
Why would anyone want to have sex with
cows? Sure, they are sexy, but Im not packing
enough equipment for that job. Heh, heh!
What is so special about mouse ears on a
cow (DC #5)? Ive seen cows with hearts,
skulls, clowns and snake markings. When Im
drinking moonshine I can see whole animated
feature films on some cows. They even have a
soundtrack. Think I should sell tickets?
Lebanon, Kentucky
(Well, reading between the lines, Wall-ter
probably practices safe artificial insemination
with cows. Hopefully, when the Holy Cow
Mail War against farmer Wall-ter ceases he
can write a story for us. In the meantime, lets
just hop that Dr. Busky doesnt find out about
the sheep!)
I see you are sort of leaning towards animal
rights crap. I eat a lot of meat which shouldnt
affect anything. I do sometimes wonder at
people who have never seen a live cow much
less tended any, demanding things like
allowing farm animals to run free and so forth.
Turn cows loose in the winter or fall and they
would stand at the gate or barn door and bawl
until they starved to death. Farm animals are so
domesticated they dont know how to fend for
themselves, not to mention that cows cant
forage for feed in the winter. Besides, I wish all
the stress I had was in having somebody bring
me food and getting milked.
Rodney Leighton
Pugwash, Nova Scotia
(The main criticism these days about Animal
Rights Activists is that they care more about
what happens to animals than people. A bum
rap in my opinion. A deep concern about the
inhumane treatment of animals bespeaks the
same concern for human beings.)
Thanks for the Daily Cow, and while it is
predominantly humorous, it too expresses
deadly serious issues. Humor is a great way to
accomplish this. I will be happy to tell our
readers about Daily Cow.
Our newsletter, ActionLine, is published six
times a year for only $5 a year. We let you
know if you are donating to an animal
protection group yet unknowingly supporting
companies that abuse animals. You can also
learn how to shop to safeguard your health and
animal lives. We also give the latest info on
letter writing campaigns, boycotts, marches
and fundraisers to help animals.
Enclosed is some literature about us and
information you may wish to use in your zine.
Thank you for adding laughter and compassion
to the world.
Deidra Smith
Denver, Colorado
(Humor can heal,tears can cleanse but only
compassion can save. To receive ActionLine
send a check for $5 to Action for Animals,
729 E. Bayaud Avenue, Denver, CO 80209
and mark as a subscription.)
Greetings! I wish I had something witty and
cow-related to share (Like: What portion of a
herd gives skim milk? Answer: Oh, about 2%.
Or: Farmer Brown, Farmer Brown youve got
to help me! There are curds in my milk! Well
Bossie, have you seen a vet? No, just curds)but
as you can see, I dont. (What did the cow say
when asked to choose between the west pasture
and the east pasture? She replied that the issue
was moot.) I just want to order Daily Cow #5.
The dollar should be obvious and the stamps
are to help out.
Greg Beatty
Seattle, Washington
(As Soupy Sales once said, Show me a cow
wearing rags and Ill show you a bum steer.
Dr. Denton tells me there is no known cure
for bovine humor.)
Feedback and clippings for this issue were also
received from Mark Hejnar, Valerie Gancarz, Greg
Oliver, Donald Stay, Judith Mielke, Linda Hedges,
Hubert Horatio Humphrey, Scott Rhoads, Mike
Thain, Laine Duro, Joy Lily and Jerry B. Keep all
those letters and cow clippings coming!
Letters like milk may be condensed for space.
The Daily Cow is now availabull for public sale at
Book Adventures which is located in Chicago on
3705 N. Southport. The store is owned and operated
by a former Passaic resident by the name of Mark
Harris. If you are ever in the neighborhood, by all
means graze on over and check out this offbeat
store! Tell em Daily Cow sent ya!
Daily Cow believes your diet is your own
concern. We love moo all regardless of your
consumption habits.
Most cow pies are just slop. Ours are not! Mrs.
Smith's cow pies are a delicious blend of manure
made pasture fresh on a daily basis. They can be
used in the kitchen, the garden or for business
charts. Three sizes include Large, X-Large and OH
MY GOD! Many flavors to choose from including
lime, dung, apbull, shoo-fly, methane, quallude,
linear, flow and honey pie. Heat em' up in the
microwave or just leave them around for family and
friends to slip into. Total satisfaction or your money
back. Get some today!
(WARNING: Heating Cow Pies May Cause
Depletion Of The Ozone & Eviction Notices.)
After a hard day in the field you need to kick out the
stalls with a nice cold one. Pop open a quart can or
botttle of tail-wagging, lip-smacking Cudweiser. It
has that mountain moo taste that helps activate all
those unused brain cells in your big head. A kinder
and gentler beer on your busy stomach. Made from
the choicest Hops, Rice, LSD, & Barley Malt.
Nothing beats a CUD!
(WARNING: Drinking Beer By Cows May Result
In Low Brain Weight, Slurred Moos, Fizzy Milk
And Impaired Cattle Driving.)
Take a break from that endless chewing and
relax with a pack of "Virginia Fatties." The high
hay butt for the kool cow who hangs low in
Marlboro Country. It tastes better than the air
you breathe! Made from all natural leaves of the
finest blend of Alfalfa, Hay, & Hemp.
Also why not try our brand of chewing tobaccow
called "Breathless." Have your greatest
expectorations fulfilled in every chaw. A cow
needs a good smoke, a cow needs a good
chew and our tobaccow will satisfy you!
(WARNING: Smoking By Cows May Result In
Stunted Growth, Premature Milk Ejaculation
and Low Birth Weight.)
It's milking time and again they forgot to wash your
udder down with warm water. Now comes that idiot
with the rough and chapped hands yanking insanely
on your teats or setting the milk machine on
"oversuck." What can a poor cow do when every
inch of her udder throbs with the pain of improper
A simple question deserves a simple answer. Take
our fine new product Cowdeine Brand Udder Relief
Medicine. Just two caplets and you'll be back on
your feet grazing, playing Scrabull or copulating with
that bull you met last week in the back of the barn.
Udder relief guaranteed in a matter of minutes with
no gastric irritation. Get a case today!
(WARNING: May Cause Some Cows To
Hallucinate and Try To Jump Over The Moon.)
Sometimes I get the itch so bad that all 1130
pounds of me cries out to crammed full of your hot
love. Are you bull enough for me? Please ring me
and hurry!!
(Call 1-900-MOO-SLUT)
We're young, beautiful and oh so hot! Let us show
you what we got! See us in garter belts, panties,
lingerie and exposed pink wet udders!!! Two sample
photos only 2 quarts or a one hour video of a herd
of lesbian cows doing the nasty only 24 quarts!
(Write Valley Cows, PO Box CUM, SF, CA)
Pseudo intellectual Single Black Bull (SBB) seeks
Single Intelligent Holstein (SIH) for conversation,
Sci-Fi conventions, Grateful Dead concerts and
stamp collecting. No prudes, bossy bitches,
nymphos, diseased or BGH users need apply. I'm
serious and well hung!
(Call 1-201-BIG-DICK)
Divorced Old Guernsey (DOG) seeks a tired and
ringless Pitiful Udderstanding Bull (PUB). I have a
widely travelled butt, non-smoker, heavy drinker,
love jazz, china shops and wet kisses in my ears.
No bulls with horns or long stories about your
castration fears.
(Call 1-900-OLD-MILK)
In the classroom Daily Cow reader Trish Davis
and friends pose next to a cow bulletin board in
school. The lesson plan for that day included
the rudiments of Cowmunism.
In the field Daily Cow reader Amanda X says hay
to some bovines in Ireland. The cows were looking
for land mines planted by the IRA and happily
none were found that day.
DAILY COW is a zine (pronounced zene). A zine is a small
handmade amateur publication done purely out of passion, rarely
making a profit or even breaking even. If you were expecting a
slick publication with ads, no imagination, corporate boundaries
and an unhealthy dose of censorship you will not find it here.
Stamp Art By Trish Davis
golf crisis
BARBIBUNKPORT-The lush and exciting John Gotti Golf Course was the setting
for a major foreign policy announcement by Bossy Federation of America
(BFOA) leader Alice Cowpone yesterday. After a triple bogey at the 7th hole,
Cowpone mooed the following statement:
"My fellow cows and duffers, today I am beefing up our forces in the Middle Yeast
due to that infection known as Sadism Moosein. The invasion of Cowait and
seizure of their rich hay fields will not go unpunished. We have been asked by a
nayboring kingdom to secure their border by drawing a line of manure in their
fields. Operation Teed Off will begin tomorrow when 200,000 head of the United
Steaks of Bovine (USOB) Udder Tactital Force will be dispatched by scow to stop
the Butcher of Baghdad from any further aggression in the region.
According to my Senior Golf Crisis Aide, Lee Trevinmoo, we will be facing an
army of 200,000 pigs; 150,000 goats and about 50,000 cows. He also advises
me that I have to stop using a nine iron whenever I'm in a sand trap. Needles to
hay, the purpose of this operation is to restore demoocracy to Cowait, topple
Sadism Moosein and to open 70 golf courses in the region. As we also import
over 4 million bales of hay from the Middle Yeast weekly, we must send the
message that our appetites will not be held hostage by this madcow. Hopefully, I
will birdie the 8th hole and upon completion of my round answer any questions
you may have. Thank Moo."
The Bossy Leader, up for re-election this spring, plays two rounds of golf a day
and her biggest handicap seems to be a propensity for grazing in the rough. It is
rare these days to see Cowpone in Chicowgo, the seat of bovine government.
Security has also been beefed up at the Gotti Golf Course due to threats on
Cowpone's life by manure contractors who want a bigger slice of the pie.
After shooting a disgusting round of 144, Cowpone retreated to the Hoffa
Watering Hole and in a fit of rage started hurling golf balls, obscenities and
tirades at the press. "I will cowordinate this war from the links and make sausage
of Mossein's army...That cow is nothing but a bully goat. Kiss my teats
Moosein!...If I was not so rich, powerful and so cowardly, I'd go over there myself
and stick this putter up your ass instead of sending the cream of our USOB youth
to do it for me. I could've birdied the 10th hole if that damn Daily Cow reporter
hadn't belched in my face."
So here we go cow fans. That field you so peacefully graze in today may be full
of the holes of hate, violence, death or maybe even a major golf tournament in
the weeks ahead. Fore!
Cover Story - Page 1
Pix - Page 2, 4
News - Page 3, 5
Muse - Page 6
Cowmentary - Page 7
Daily Stud Pinup - Page 8
Green Acres - Page 9
Cowllage - Page 10, 11
Kale - Page 12
Alfalfa - Page 13
Feedback - Page 14, 15
Postmarks - Page 16
Clip Art - Page 17
Cowmercials - Page 18
Boviniac - Page 19
Back Cover - Page 20
Originally Published 12/01/90
Digitally Remastered 02/06/02
New York City: A Gorgeous
Moosaic by David Dickens
Watch out for hail the size of golf
balls in the north. Hay shortages
again, seek alternate foodstuffs.
Poison air and quakes predicted for
Middle Yeast grazers.
Sadism Moosein shown above milking a British hostage cow during the filming
of Father Knows Best. Sadism has also filmed a cowmercial touting Maxwell
Barn DeCalf cowfee in order to alleviate jittery cows all over the world who are
worried about the prospect of war.
Last year Sadism james garnered an emmy for the made for tv moovie, Heart
Attack, all about a world leader who sells his soul for another quarter pounder
with cheese.
Sadisms interests include young calves, chemical product development and
inflicting pain upon others. He worships twice a day at The Shirely Temple and
smokes four packs of Camels a day. Future plans include a co-starring role next
year with Ronald Raygun in Star Wars II and a lead role in The Burning
Bush with Major Pharaoh Fawcett. Other film credits include: Eating Kurds &
Whey, I Ran Into Contradiction, The Thief of Baghdad and the Toxic Avenger.
All are available on Cowait Home Video for a hefty price.
New Jersey Meadowlands-The first debate between
incumbent Alice Cowpone and challenger Joan
McDonald took place on June 6th at the Brahman Bull
Arena in New Jersey. A crowd of 50,000 attended this
raucous debate where the candidates went udder to
udder. It was hard to hear as most of the 50,000
bovines in attendance were chewing their cud. We did
manage to get the following remarks on tape:
J.M.-We hold these hooves to be self-evident that all
cows are created equal?
A.C.-What's she talking about? My udder is twice the
size of hers. Created equal? That is bullshit.
J.M.-I can negotiate with humans. I understand how
their minds and stomachs operate.
A.C.-We don't negotiate with terrorists!
J.M.-She is covering up for her criminal son, Ralph
Cowpone, who presided over the biggest Steer &
Livestock (S&L) bank failure in USOB history.
Cowruption clings to her hooves like flies do to her
A.C.-You're electing me, not my son and what sticks to
me sticks to you NANANANANA. And number two my
manure is my private business.
J.M.-The current bossy leader is nothing but a
moobster and a very bad golfer. My first duty will be
to restore demoocracy to the USOB and rid us of this
mob rule.
A.C.-There you go again! I am not a moobster. The
only sense of duty McDonald has is filling this arena
full of the manure that is flowing out of her mouth....
The debate ended when a golf cart came to usher
Cowpone away with McDonald screaming, "I'll serve
billions and you'll only serve yourself." Also, several
cows were trampled to death during a stampede to the
parking lot where Cowpone was serving free beer and
giving away Far Side T-shirts.
Remember every day is Erection Day in the good ol
Buffalo-Doctors at Dung's Gate Cowspital have
performed the first udder transplant in history. Dolly
Partoff was reported to be in blue ribbon condition
after receiving an incredibly huge udder from Betty
Graybull who recently died.
Dr. Hugh Heifer, who led the surgical team, was
cautious as to the operations success. "She will be
barned down for 2 to 3 months and we'll take lots of
post-op photos. The big test will be that first pull on
her teats. If the damn thing don't fall off, then the
transplant will be considered a success."
Cowbellville-Agnus Cowley, a 1700 pound cow won
the Second Annual Scrabull Tournament sponsored by
DAILY COW. Her prizes include a blue ribbon, 1000
pounds of hay and lifetime grazing privileges in the
Luther Vandross Pasture.
At the awards ceremony Agnus was escorted by the
internationally known Texas Longhorn Sir Lorenzo
Jones and flanked by her much older sisters Tean and
A natural at the Selcow & Richter board game,
Cowley averaged 355 points and 2 bingoes per game
to easily lead her to the victory trough in a field of 50
other bovines.
DAILY COW editor David Mooey announced that
proceeds from the tournament would go to set up
scholarships for needy cows to attend Cowabunga
University. The editor also made a fool of himself on
the dance floor.
Alphonse Tomato, a United States senator from
New York, is wanted by Federal Bovine
Investigators for bootlegging cow milk and
H.U.D. fraud.
Above is an exclusive photo of Pattie Hearse
being cownapped by kid. Her father, Sir Loin
Hearse, offers a huge reward and will provide
transport for her return-dead or alive.
Joan McDonald solicits more contributions from
humans to feed low cow campaign coffers.
Investigators doubt that happy meals will be
considered barter to pay bills.
The noted cow psychologist R.D. Laing and
country singer KD Laing solicited contributions
for PETA on Hollyweed Boulevard. No happy
meals were bought with the money.
Cowlumbus-An attempt to impregnate a cow by a
wolf in sheep's clothing did not lead to the desired
result of a wolf-cow scientists at FOX Labs reported
Thursday. Instead, Olga Simpson delivered her 39th
calf which tipped over the scales at 66 lbs. 6 ounces.
The new calf, named Mattie Groaning, was in cash
cow shape but howled and bit the doctor, Cliff
Huxtable, five minutes after being delivered.
Olga's husband of one year, Bart Simpson, filed for
divorce only hours after the birth telling reporters that
he warned her "not to have a cow." Bart is now
reportedly having a current affair with foxy newscow
Connie Dung, who has expressed a strong desire to be
impregnated by a wolf in sheep's clothing.
The Guernsey Book of World Records also confirmed
that Olga had broken the world calving record with
her 39th delivery. Asked about her formula for mating
excess, Olga replied, "There ain't no formula honey-
my teats are tired and I got another suckling in the
other stall. Leave me alone! I'm tired of every bull,
goat and now this Bart wolf knocking me up. I'm
mooving to Montana to raise dental floss."
Greybull-Dr. A. "Nell" Retentive was arrested today
and charged with sexually assaulting five heifers over
a six month period. A spokesbull for the Agoraphobia
Clinic apoligized to the cowmunity but said the doc
had gone to an accredited cowlege and all his papers
were in order so blame the doc not us.
A cow being treated for sour milk alerted the
authorities to the rapes. The arrest was made by
Detective Buttercup who posed undercover as a cow
suffering from a loss of mammary.
The rapists MOO (modus of operandi) was to lure a
patient into a small dark closet and tell them the only
thing they had to fear was the space between their
ears. He would then rope them, rape them and threaten
to up their fees if they told anyone. If convicted the
rapist-doctor could be castrated.
Passaic-The popular "Tickle Your Fancy & Kick
Your Butt Moosage Parlor" was closed last week by
city authorities because they were not getting a big
enough piece of the cow pie. The parlor was also nine
months behind in kickbutt payments said an
unidentified diapered city inspector.
Mayor Lotta Bull announced that a Patronage Mill
would be opened at the former moosage parlor site
and employ only his family and friends in lucrative
positions. They would begin cowufacturing phony
time sheets, job descriptions, pension records, card
games and whatever else was necessary to embezzle
local, state and federal moolah.
With cowruption at an all time high in governments all
over the USOB, Mayor Bull said that Passaic is once
again leading the field. "Just look at our H.U.D. (Huge
Udder Development) program, it has become a role
model for the entire nation!"
Swan Lake Farms-A clumsy cow who stepped on
some freshly laid eggs was pecked to death yesterday
by a distraught mother hen. Attempts to resuscitate
Rudy Nuryev, a 1500 pound Holstein, failed. She was
taken by ambullance to Bovilexia Cowspital where
she was pronounced dead of udder trauma.
The mother hen, Colonel Sanders, was taken into
custody by Sheriff Wooly Bully and cooped up at the
Egg Carton Cownty Jail to await trial. Her lawyer,
Cornish Hennings, said a plea of not guilty would be
entered because she was only protecting her unborn
If convicted of cowslaughter, Sanders could face up to
35 years of refrigeration at the Kentucky Fried
Chicken Prison Farm and removal of her pecker.
COW EDUCATION They Not Only Overflowed With Learning, But Stood In The
Well, here I am your Guru Moo at the Harvey Milk Memorial School in California. All the little calves
with shining eyes and underdeveloped minds and udders are on recess. Some are just grazing in the
field while others are smacking the old cowhide around in a rousing game of softball. The cow bell
rings and they slowly trot into their assigned classes to learn the ruminates of cow knowledge.
At last count there were 1,500 other schools across the country like Milk Memorial. Education
is given freely, not forced down the throat. Young calves realize their parents are busy with
the daily graze so they eagerly trot off to school to learn how to think, how to have fun and
how to do some good in the world. This generation of calves wants to rid the world of the
miscowception that they are stupid. They are as hungry for knowledge as they are for feed.
I'm now in Clara Barrus' 4th Grade Nature Class and she is demonstrating all the different plants
and grasses that cows can consume. My how their eyes light up and tails wag when she passes around
free samples for everyone to eat. By the end of the day they will know all about the more than 65
varieties of roughage that they can eat. They are also shown slides of poison stuff so they will know
what to stay away from. I didn't realize that psilocybin mushrooms were considered poisonous, so I
will have to throw away my lunch and graze in the school cafeteria.
The formula for a successful cow education is a lack of pressure. Cows are taught in a "happy"
environment and nothing is "forced" upon them but their freedom. Cow education is not seen as
a cure all for problems or future success. Cow educators realize that some do not want to
learn in their schools. Those cows are not blacklisted, rather they are encouraged to roam into
whatever field their hearts desire.
Well, the school day is nearly over and Darryl Strawberry is in the auditorium giving a lecture on
"Free Agency and Big Bucks." I'm flying home to march against the incinerator that a bunch of
county freeloaders want to put next to a school. See you next time!
The Guru Moo
After an enjoyabull Summer of Love we are being
asked to rally behind a Winter of War. As
temperatures rise in the Middle Yeast, young USOB
livestock are once again being sent to clean up
somebody elses mess.
DAILY COW vehemently opposes Alice Cowpone's,
"Operation Teed Off," which is moobilizing forces to
the sorry tune of 350,000 in the Mid Yeast. We are
tired of Cowpone's puttering all over the green earth.
There are more than enough problems in the USOB
that need addressing and stamping out than Sadism
Cows are ill-suited for war. Our fields are for grazing
not for killing. Our planes are for transport not for
dropping bombs. Our knives are for carving initials in
trees not for the stabbing of hearts. War is stupidity in
uniform drag and only cowards fight for world
When the skinny cow sings the slaughter begins.
When the fat cow dies the evil wins. When the young
cow marches the world will end. Come Home
DAILY COW endorses neither Alice Cowpone or
Joan McDonald for the leadership of the United
Steaks of Bovine (USOB). Cowpone from Chicowgo
rules by cattle prod. McDonald from San Diego hangs
out with too many humans.
During Cowpone's term of office we have been forced
to wear numbered ear tags, milked to the bone to
support a boondoggle of stupid programs and now
threatened with a foreign war. We wish Cowpone
would retire and pursue her passion for golf.
McDonald with her slick cowmercial says "You
Deserve A Break Today" and little else of substance.
She offers no vision for the future only that "things
will be really cooking once I get into office."
We urge cows nationwide not to vote on April 1st.
Either you will be shot by Cowpone's cheap hoods or
grilled by McDonald's rich friends for that ballot you
Government has become a deadly infection spreading
across the land and politicians are the carriers of the
bacteria. We prefer no government at all.
"We can divide a meal among many cows. We
cannot digest it in a collective stomach."
(Ayn Rand)
"What is politics, after all, but the compulsion to
preside over property and make other cow's
decisions for them."
(Tom Robbins)
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd at Top Hill Farms
COWTRI BUTORS: Amanda, J oeE. , Rodney
Leighton,Dan Nielsen,Richard Nixon and Josefina
All unsigned articles by the Editor. Cowwaspondence,
artwork and written submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
NAME: Malcolm X
BIRTHPLACE: Mayberry, North Carolina
OCCUPATION: Hanging Out At Bars
TESTICLE SIZE: 36 Centimeters (Both)
AMBITION: To Get A Job In A China Shop
LIKES: Beer, Baseball, Bangcock Bovines, Betty Boop
DISLIKES: Double Dates, Double Vision, Dirty Dancing, Dames
LAST BOOK READ: Artificial Insemination/Just A Job by Dick Hertz
FANTASY: A Threesome with Totie Fields and Sally Field
QUOTE: Wheres The Beef?

by David Webster Mooey
ALIMENTARY-A school for young calves
teaching the ruminates of grazing, cowculus and
ALIMOONY-Those monthly calf support
payments and split acreage.
AUTOMOOBILE-A vehicle with three wheels
driven by cows. Cowufactured in Mootown under
the brand name of Cowdillac.
BULLDOZERS-Bulls who sleep while driving
heavy equipment.
COWPOKE-A bull driving heavy equipment.
COWTILLION-A coming out party for cows in
High Society.
CREMATION-A method of cow suicide practiced
by the bovine religious order of Moonies.
CUTLET-A small store that sells cow
DAIRY-A journal kept by cows which records
their anecdotes while being milked.
DOGIE-A western USOB motherless or stray calf.
GALLON-About 340 to 350 teat squirts.
GRILL-An interrogation method used by Federal
Bovine Investigators (FBI) to make cows spill the
HAY-Hello, how are you, cows it going, wanna
HAYWIRE-A cow gone crazy. The electrified
fence surrounding cow prisons.
MANURE-The treatment of cows by most human
MEATIA-The various information services for
cows i.e., (DC) Daily Cow, (CBS) Cow
Broadcasting System, (CNN) Cow News Network,
(NBC) National Bovine Channel, (WCUD) Graze
Radio, (CD) Cudchewers Digest, (FF) FactSheet
MEMOO-A stiff, business-like moo used to keep
subordinates in line.
MOOLA-What people make instead of love.
MOOVEMENT-The expulsion of waste. An ideal
that never ends up as what it started out to be.
STABILIZE-To barn down for the night secure in
the knowledge that you wont be slaughtered
STEER-A domestic bull castrated before sexual
maturity. A young ox being raised for beef (death).
TEAT-The great white faucet (not Farrah).
Illustration By Joe E
Mad Cow Disease by Amanda
(Daily Cow Special Cowwaspondent)
Great Britain-The cows will have their way!
After countless years of dairy, farm and
slaughterhouse oppression, cows all over
Britain are finally getting some revenge. Angry
herds everywhere are teaching man a lesson.
Mad Cow Disease, technically known as
Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis (BSE), is
raging all over the UK. The livelihoods of such
cow exploiters as dairy and beef farmers and
the infamous butcher are now being threatened.
Our bovine buddies are at last putting their
hooves down and human consumers are pulling
up their noses at the thought of purchasing
Good news for the moos? Well, yes and no.
While their plight has indeed lead to a
substantial decrease in brutish beef
consumption, mans fear of the mad cow has
led to the destruction of those cows displaying
any mad behavior. However, despite this harsh
reality, brave bulls and bossies in the UK are
continuing to risk possible death, staying mad
for the sake of their fellow moos.
(Editors Note: A cow Catch-22 if there ever
was one. They will kill you if you are healthy
and kill you if you are not. There must be a
place somewhere in this universe where living
things dont kill each other.)
The Seven Cowmandments
1. Whatever goes upon two legs is the enemy.
2. Whatever goes upon four legs or has wings
is a friend.
3. No animal shall wear clothes.
4. No animal shall sleep in a bed.
5. No animal shall drink alcohol.
6. No animal shall kill another animal.
7. All animals are equal.
(From Animal Farm by George Orwell)
Belinda Carlisle backed out of a $35,000
appearance at a Wyoming rodeo last July citing
mistreatment of the livestock. Id be very
ashamed to have my name associated with such
blatant cruelty, she was herd to say.
And of course weve all herd about K.D. Laing
and her participation in a meat stinks ad
campaign for PETA. Her involvement got her
banned from several Western radio stations due
to some upset ranchers. Land of the free and
home of the easily offended?
He simply had to be the most prolific father in
modern times. He was a Holstein bull by the
name of Rag Apple. He did his family-making
in Ithaca, New York. Through the use of
artificial insemination, Rag Apple produced
15,000 sons and daughters in 3 years and 4
months. Rag Apple met an accidental death in
(Rag Apple didnt die by accident our
research shows. One Fathers Day he got no
cards and ran off a cliff with a suicide note
that read tired of being jerked around.)
National School Lunch Program
Low Fat Milk Requirement
In response to section (101)b of Public Law
101-147, the Child Nutrition & WIC Act of 1989 the
following rule is effective immediately:
While previously schools had the option of
offering students either unflavored skim milk, or
buttermilk in place of unflavored low fat milk,
schools are now required to offer students
unflavored low fat milk as part of the Program
Lunch. The standard of identity for low fat milk as
established by the FDA is 21 CFR 131.135, is milk
containing either 1/2, 1, 1 1/2 or 2 percent milk fat.
In this latest modification of the National School
Lunch Program (NSLP) milk requirement, Congress
emphasized that it did not intend to prevent schools
from offering other types of milk if they choose.
Therefore, USDA continues to encourage schools to
promote milk consumption by offering a variety of
milks, such as skim milk or buttermilk. However,
because of factors such as enrollment and food
service facilities vary greatly from school to school,
USDA feels that the decision whether to offer milks
in addition to whole milk and low fat milk should be
made at the local level.
(Editors Note: This is just one regulation of the
National School Lunch Program. There are
hundreds of others that are even more ridiculous
in content. DAILY COW supports a free lunch
for every forced public school child in America.
Your tax dollars are being wasted by over-
regulating paranoid bureaucrats who with every
old and new regulation defeat the purpose of
providing a nutritious meal to children and a
logical use of our tax dollars. Give us this day
our Daily Bread and Rent and Paycheck and
dont bite the hand that feeds you...)
Facts & Figures
Number of animals killed for meat per hour in the
United States: 500,000
Number of animals killed for meat in the United
States each year: 6 billion
Human population of the U.S.A.: 243,000,000
The USDA tells you: Your meat is inspected
The USDA doesnt tell you: Less than 1 out of every
quarter million animals slaughtered is being tested
for toxic chemical residue.
Cow Poetry
All the cows gathered to the feed truck in the
middle of the pasture,
Shaking their tails, hungry for the Yellow Fitten
Ration that fills the belly
and makes the eyes shine
& mouth go Moooo.
Then they go down in the hollow green Meadow to
(Allen Ginsberg/Autumn Gold-New England Fall)
Odds & Ends
Question: How do you call a cows to come and get
their teeth cleaned?
Answer: Come Flossie, Come Flossie!!
For the cowlector in you may we suggest that you
get the latest catalog from Woody Jacksons Holy
Cow, Inc. by writing to 52 Seymour Street,
Middlebury, VT 05753 or you can call them at
1-800-543-COWS. The items are a bit expensive but
they are of the highest quality. The catalog itself is a
cow lovers dream.
To order a black and white milking stool (with
udder!) contact the Vermont Sled Company, P.O.
Box 20, Monkton, VT 05469 or by calling 802-453-
Thanks for the latest (#4) of Daily Cow but I
must provide a correction to The Bordens
Split. Its not true that the cowple had no
legal offspring, what about poor Beauregard
and Beulah, Larabee and Lobelia? How they
must have suffered.
Candi Strecker
San Francisco, California
(Right you are Candi! The Bordens did have
the aforementioned offspring. However, all
four were cut off from any of the Borden
profits when they left their very unhappy
home. Daily Cow has been trying to track
them down, albeit unsuccessfully. Anyone
knowing their whereabouts, please contact
We thank you very much for the calving of
your latest Daily Cow (Give us this day our
Daily Cow...) and congrats, etc. and much
success and green pastures. Here at Farm Pulp
were abuzz with the idea of consensual sex
between consenting bovines, and why not,
damn it! The missus thinks so to. In this day
and age nothing is black and white except
Holsteins and you can quote me on that!
Mr. Farm Pulp
Seattle, Washington
(The lovemaking at Top Hill Farms has not
stopped since our last issue. Thats why its
taken so long to get this issue out. Cow fans,
we highly recowmend Farm Pulp . Its a
fascinating zine with a quality mix of eye feed.
The latest issue is availabull for $1. Write to
get an issue at Farm Pulp, 1404 N. 41st,
Seattle, WA 98103.)
Loved the cow. Reading them was, can I say, a
mooving experience (does everyone say
that?).I would like to extract what I think are
the funniest bits from your stuff and do a
two-pager in a future KHP (that could be a year
away at the rate we publish). There would be
no money involved as we make none either, but
we can include your name and address for
people interested in more on the cow.
Chris Miksanek
Burbank, California
(Glad you enjoyed the Cow. We always
appreciate positive feedback (cow
indigestion?), as well as those who comment
that our brains are a compost heap of cow
chips. By all means feel free to excerpt bits of
Daily Cow in your funny publication.
Knucklehead Press (KHP), which Christ co-
edits, is availabull by writing KHP, 6442 West
111th St., Worth, IL 60482. Send $1 for a
sample or $5 for one year.)
This genuine bovine news item enclosed might
be suitable for your paper, which Im sure is
avidly read (editors note: devoured actually)
in KraCOW, and IstanBULL and CALFornia (I
herd about the DC in Out West). Heres 50
cents in stamps for your current issue, which
Im sure Ill treasure as much as my Mood
Ring, my Cowmen Miranda videos and Ella
Mae Morses record of Cow Cow Boogie. If
youre heifer in my neighborhood, drop in on
us any day but Vache Day. Veal be glad to see
Jerry Kostolefsky
Daly City, California
(Thanks for the moos clipping which is now
in the DC Archives. We greatly appreciate
readers sending their cow clips (chips?) and
will one day make the Archive Book a mailer.
At present its over 70 pages full of cow news
and pix from all over the world.)
Got your Daily Cow stuff today and busted an
udder guffawing. Some really good stuff in
there. I grew up in Vermont, which had more
cows than people till the 70s. Some of the
rednecks with guns and mustaches and huntin
knives on their belts had a variation of gay
bashing that I refer to as cow-bashing.
Theyd go up to a cow at night and see if they
could kill it with one punch. Heres a sticker
for you.
Mark Hejnar, Pile of Cows
Chicago, Illinois
(Besides the tractor bumper sticker (see
below) Mark previously sent his latest video
Bible of Skin which in his words is a 51
minute sonic pleasure cruise of experimental
images with a soundtrack by PILE OF
COWS. The bulls at Top Hill Farms cringed
during the castration scene but all in all the
moovie was well received here. If you would
like this video send $19.95 plus $1.50 for
shipping with an age statement to Tale
Napkin Productions, Mark Hejnar, 7044
North Greenview, Apt. 3-N, Chicago, IL
60626. Not recommended for the easily
Have you herd the one about the cow health
maintenance organization? As you know health
maintenance organizations are called HMOs.
There are actually ones for animals now, like
veterinarian Blue Cross. For cows it was
suggested that they be called HMOOs.
Garrett C. DAloia
San Francisco, California
(After a visit from OSHA and a call from
Mike Gunderloy all the cows here have taken
out long term pun insurance. Some times we
laugh so hard at ourselves we end up grazing
in a neck brace. Who sez laughter cant hurt!)
Greetings from Sacrament town which is next
to Davis town which is where they have the
cow with the plastic window on it so you can
look into its guts. Please send me a Daily Cow
(I dare you take that literally). I dont give a
flying hay fart about Boss-oids myself, but
have a friend who thinks they are boss.
Sacramento, California
(Huh, Exposed cow guts. Does Jesse Helms
know about this? Mama said thered be days
like this...)
DAILY COW has now reached 37 states and
most of the Canadian Provinces. Overseas we
have gone to England and last week
Special thanks to Charley Boyd, Rodney
Leighton, Judith Mielke, Greg Oliver, Donald
Stay, Wayne Wolbert and Joe E for sending so
many clippings and orders our way. To one and
all who have shown an interest in this modest
publication, a great big THANK MOO. We love
hearing from you whether by clipping or
personal letter. We strive to respond to
everyone in a timely and thoughtful manner.
Daily Cow is published twice yearly which is
about daily in cow time. This issue is availabull
for 1 pint of milk, $1 in cash or stamps, zine
trade or cow clippings. The price has increased
courtesy of the USPS.
Back issues (#1-#4) will remain and are 50
cents each.
Daily Cow is printed on oat bran paper and
makes a fine snack after or during reading.
Daily Cow believes your diet is your personal
concern. We love moo all regardless of your
consumption habits.
+Overstocked frozen human parts
+Skinned, cut & freezer wrapped
+All parts, male-female, young-old
+Slaughtered humanely (UZI approved)
+Back orders currently out of stock
+Great for when carnivores stop by the barn for
dinner or for a snack
+Butt steak now only 1.50 gallons/per pound
Liz E. Bordens Chop Shop
5 Abattoir Lane
Washington, DC
(Just a chopping block away
from the White House)
+Taxidermy exclusively by Milkelangelo
+Stuffed with hay, oats & John Barleycorn
+Makes a great Halloween or X-mas gift
+Family sets availabull (1 male, 1 female, 2.5
children for only 99.95 gallons!!!)
+Free to the first 50 cowstomers
a genuine moohair sweater
Chuck Mansons Habitat for Humanity, Inc.
The Spahn Movie Ranch
Topanga Canyon, CA
(Moostercard and Veal Credit Cuds Accepted)
The odds are you are going to die. So make
everyday a gamble at Burial King. Bookies in the
front room and dead bodies in the back room. We
place your bets and comfort your loved ones when
you cash in your chips.
+Graze below your loved ones in one piece
+Horse race betting our specialty
+All body parts numbered and tagged
+Gambling records covered up forever
+No ground beef here
+Cement and river burials also arranged
Dont be sod, rest assured that your plot will have a
happy ending at Burial King.
Joe X. Graves, Godfather
13 Reincarnation Lane
Passaic, NJ 07055
(Life is a gamble but not for the dead)
Having four stomach aches at one time can be a
real gastronomical nightmare. Thats why smart
cows everywhere are using Peyote?Belly. This is the
antacid medicine cows take religiously. Gets you
back in the field and grazing in no time.
Environmentally safe. Stop depleting the zone with
that constant gaseous belch. With PeyoteBelly
stomach relief and udder satisfaction is guaranteed.
Try some, buy some!
UpChuck Industries
P.O. Box BGH
Mootown, MI
(A farting cow can kill you)
The Clothed Bovine by Pablo Picowso
Come see these fine moodern artworks of cows
dressed to kill. Includes a stunning exhibit of cows
attired in party dresses, gowns, jeans, t-shirts, 3-
piece suits, military uniform, tuxedo and many other
outfits. An exciting and unherd of art and fashion
statement that has the critics frothing at the mouth:
Hard-on the trail of greatness
(Jesse Helms)
Bovines so divine, youll lose your mind
(Jesse Jackson)
The only erotic thing about this show is the
tunnel that leads to the restroom.
(Jesse Ventura)
Theres more than Daily Cow flowing outta here.
Check out ASH which is published on a seasonal
basis with many interesting writers. Includes poems,
prose, short stories, art work and clip art. Makes for
an enjoyable graze. To receive a copy of a current
issue send $1 in cash or stamps (no milk please) to:
David R. Wyder/ASH
121 Gregory Avenue, #B-7
Passaic, NJ 07055
Stalwart Daily Cow reader Trish Davis
contributed these two fine examples of Christmas
stamp art to our archives. She can always be
cownted on to provide great holiday cards for
our mailbox and later on our stall walls.
SAN FRANCISCOW-With a cry of "Make Love Not Milk", a new
moovement has been born in these United Steaks of Bovine (USOB).
Cows and bulls in the fifty steaks want an end to artificial insemination
and an era of consensual sex between each other to begin. They want to
mate, have families and put a stop to the selling of their birthright and the
indiscriminate use of their bodily fluids.
The Reverend F.U. Cowstello is the spokesbull for this new moovement
which calls itself the Bulls Against Insemination League (BAIL). They are
proposing an immeatiate moratorium on giving bull semen to anyone
except the bovines of their choice. BAIL is also organizing a "Family Day"
to be held on June 20th, at which time bulls nationwide will betrough at
least twelve cows each via the real route. Bulls will heed the moo's of
their herd in the flesh and not by proxy. No calf from this day on shall be
brought forth to the earth by artificial means.
In an emotional rant from his bully pulpit at the Church of Wyatt Earp,
Cowstello preached: "We have become a sexless, genderless, funless,
mass of milking meat. We must become a nation where our young
recognize a father as well as a moother. We must repopulate ourselves
directly! against the threat of human consumption. We must get our
sexual barns in order and rediscover the sexual act for both procreation
and pleasure. We work hard so why can't we fuck around at the end of a
busy day in the privacy of our barns. Bulls will not be segregated from
cows any longer!
In a related development, Bossy Federation Leader Alice Cowpone
released the following statement in support of BAIL and Rev. Cowstello:
"Farmlords keep us pregnant and in the field so our quey milk overflow
can feed humanunkind (sic). Most of us go through life being
impregnated by veterinarians we hardly know. It is a rarity to experience
the love and hard rock passion of our brother bulls. Cows want real sex
and we want it today! Artificial insemination no longer excites us as it
once did. Our offspring are frozen zombies, heated up, injected into us
and delivered into a sexless future. We support BAIL and will eagerly join
with them to reestablish the family unit, precious to our survival as a
species, and which as of today is in danger of being non-existent.
Buddah Bless Moo Brother Bulls."
So cow fans this promises to be an exciting summer as cows and bulls
join together in a union of physical rapture, family planning and plain old
"doing the nasty" until the cows come home.
Cover Story - Page 1
Pix - Page 2, 4
News - Page 3, 5
Muse - Page 6
Cowmentary - Page 7
Daily Stud - Page 8
Cowtoon - Page 9
Cow Story - Page 10
Top 10 - Page 11
Kale - Page 12
Alfalfa - Page 13
Feedback - Page 14, 15
Cowmercials - Page 16
Jennifer COWyder - Page 17
Back Cover - Page 18
Originally Published 06/01/99
Digitally Remastered 02/15/02
The Cow Dictionary
by David Mooey Webster
Hot and sultry. Love is in the
air so get your mouth off of
the ground. Passion flowers,
ecstasy weed and lust bush in
full bloom. Recowmended to
stimulate your love juices.
Little Richard Pennimans ship comes in! The greatest
voice in rock n roll history milks Long Tail Sally and
helps lead the stampede for cow and bull sexual
liberation. Little Richard is the real KING of rock n
roll and very much alive these days.
Hooker-Elsie and Elmer Borden were granted a
divorce last Tuesday after more than 40 years of
marriage. The divorce proceedings lasted for more
than two months at the Pecus Superior Court and
revealed many details about the famous cowple that
were previously unknown. Judge Glen Bossy of the
NHL Circus Court presided.
Elise and Elmer founded the Borden Company in the
1930's with Elmer handling the Glue Division and
Elsie the Milk Products Division. The Bordens,
perhaps the richest bovine cowple in history, have an
estimated fortune of 750 million dollars.
The cowples divorce came as a surprise to the most in
the bovine cowmunity. The divorce trial revealed a
myriad of problems centering mainly around sexual
infidelity, drug abuse, gambulling and foolish business
Elmer was accused of infidelity with a horse and
hanging out all day at the stables sniffing glue and
gambulling away an estimated 20 million since 1984
at the racetrack. Elmer, once a robust 1400 pounds,
looked old and tired at the trial and had reportedly lost
over 500 pounds due to his glue addiction.
Elsie was accused of infidelity with a goat and abusing
BGH to the point where she has to be milked eight
times a day. Elsie was also faulted for her investments
in goat's milk which lost the company an estimated 25
million in 1990 when she overplayed the market. Elsie
weighed in at the trial at a bloated 1850 pounds.
The Borden's also accused each other of "chicanery."
Elmer with a pretty hen named Connie and Elsie with
a punk rock cock named Bob Dobbs.
As a result of the divorce the cowples vast fortune
will be split and the company evaporated. The cowple
had no legal offspring so no custody battle took place.
However, it was inferred that Elmer sired over 400
calves out of wedlock, a charge that he vigorously
Yesterday, attorney's for the cowple announced
separate book, moovie, board game, and t-shirt
merchandising deals to help each tell their side of the
story to the bovine public and forestall any prospects
of future bankruptcy. Let the fat fly!
Passaic-The two DAILY COW staffers arrested last
November for assaulting mailman Jesse James were
acquitted of all charges at a trial held on January 23rd.
DAILY COW lawyer, Groucho Moostein, proved
beyond a shadow of a doubt that the two cows, Lauren
and Kecia, were provoked by the lewd mailman. In a
countersuit (red with brown peyote buttons) filed by
Moostein, the mailman was convicted of male fraud
due to the fact that before a vacation in Stockholm,
Sweden in 1985 he was known as Jessica James. An
imbalance of hormones was scientifically proven as
the reason for the udder provocation by Mr./Mrs.
James of the two college educated cows.
At a wild but moody victory party held at the DAILY
COW office a lottery was held as part of the
festivities. Moostein, cowincidentally, held the first
prize ticket (#69) and won a genuine imitation leather
brief case. It was the second case he won that day!
Moscow-Six weary but jubilant cows from six nations
completed a six month, 3800 mile trek across
Antarctica on ski's and dogsleds leaving a trail of ice
cream and frozen cow pies behind them.
"It's a dangerous land without any grass," said cow
leader Jean-Luc Ploppie of France to DAILY COW
after the herd arrived at a Soviet barn on the Indian
Ocean coast.
The cows were given a huge bale of hay, chugged
Kowluas and smoked Bull Durhams as the flags of
their grazelands flapped above them in a strong wind.
The expedition nearly ended in tragedy in its final
hours. As the herd struggled through a bullizard, a
cow named Fatso Domino disappeared into Blueberry
Hill. She was found a few hours later exclaiming about
the 'thrill of it all' and singing happy days are here
again. Our hearts go out to these brave bovine
Prime Cowminister of India Donna Pescow
visited the other Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, NJ
last month. She gambulled away her country
which now will reportedly be known as Maples.
Film legend Greta Garcow shown here in a
publicity photo taken near her home in
Chernobyl, Russia. She recently died of over-
exposure. She wanted to be alone!
Michelle Milken, found to be guilty of milk bond
fraud, shown here on a prison farm after being
sentenced to 60 years and 6 million gallons.
Even a greenhorn wouldnt have trouble
spotting Twinkle Toes in our dairy barn.
She frequently strikes this cross-legged
pose. We have never seen another cow
who can stand in such an unusual way.
Florida-With the fall of cowmunist regimes in Eastern
Europe, bulls have begun to mass on the Florida
border in anticipation of an uprising against their
decades long enemy, Fidel Castrator of Cuba.
When Castrator took over the island in the late 1950's
he ordered the castration and deportation of over
5,000 bulls. Many survivors of those sad days still
long for a return to their homeland and virility.
Pictures have also shown that some of the most
beautiful heifers in the world now graze in Cuba.
We caught up with Eunuch HiVoice on the beach after
he had spent the day water-skiing near the Bay of Pigs.
He said, "There is nothing more I want to do in my life
then graze again in my homeland and take a knife to
Fidel and avenge the loss of my bullhood."
Let's hope that day comes very soon and bulls can be
free to return to Cuba with everything intact.
Caracas-Egas Moniz, the Portuguese neurologist who
pioneered frontal lobotomies in the 1930's, died
yesterday of a brain hemorrhage while eating a
hamburger at a picnic.
Moniz, known as the "Cow Butcher", began his frontal
lobotomy experiments on cows in 1928 and was
believed to have lobotomized over 2 million bovines
during World War II. His cow brain butchery caused a
steady decline in cow intelligence over the past forty
years. We are only now beginning to regain our
The Museum of Bovine (MOB) located in Passaic,
New Jersey is trying to extradite Moniz's brain for
exhibition in their holocaust wing next to their
McDonald's exhibit.
Paris-Embarrassed firefighters had a shut and open
case-freeing a cow who snagged her udder on a pair of
tight fitting designer jeans.
Marian V. Dingbat, 16, got stuck Saturday while
trying to muscle her way into her cowsin's designer
"MooJeans", moments before a date with her
bullfriend, Peter Beater.
"She was in considerable pain," fire department
spokesbull Harvey Milk said. It took four firefighters
20 minutes to cut away the zipper from the rest of the
pants with wire cutters and sharpnose pliers.
Antiseptic was dabbed on her udder which leaked
about 2 pints of bloody milk. "She bore the indignity
of the situation with good humor," said Milk.
Hempstead-A bull scattering his wife's ashes into the
ocean near where they once grazed and surfed nearly
lost his own life during the private memoorial service
when he was swept into the ocean by a huge wave.
Jake Jizzum III of Bulltown, Long Island, was alive
Monday thanks to the quick actions of two
unidentified bisexualstanders who pulled him from the
rough Atlantic Ocean waters recently whipped up by
Hurricane Bessie.
Jizzum said that the wave smashed him against the
rocks and he lost consciousness until he woke up on
the land, wrapped in a bright red blanket with a sore
ass. He was treated for cuts, sodomy and a sprained
ankle at Stud's General Cowspital and released.
The bisexualstanders left before Jizzum could identify
or thank them. He was quoted as saying, "looks like
they got me off the rocks and then got their rocks off!"
Sunday is a wonderful day to be a cow. My Sunday is spent grazing in the park and shopping malls or
climbing to the top of Pennington Avenue in the lovely city of Passaic. Oh the smell of the harvest
apples in the neighbors yard, the wild darryl strawberries in the park, the smell of freshly cut grass
and the sound of rap music emanating from the speeding tractors as they pass by. What day can
compare with Sunday! A day of peace, yes, but by nightfall my ruminating has led me to the dark and
troubled times that cows live in. I toss and turn in my hay and can't sleep. Let me tell you why.
We are faceless when consumed. This makes our consumption easier but it does not make it
right. They say we are not intelligent but do they eat their unintelligent? We breathe, we
mate, we feel, WE ARE ALIVE!! Is that not enough to quell the violence against us? Why are
we not recipients of the "milk of human kindness?" Will we ever be? When will we rise up and
stop the slaughter? Can we? But on second thought, let us forgive the humans for they are
vain, confused and very, very hungry. Oh, Great Udder (GU) bless the human vegans for they
truly understand us.
Our lives are often short and death is quick and it is horrible. All cows listen to me. Savor your cud
and the time spent on the green earth. Graze gently with the face of love and exist as one with
nature. It is human nature that stands in our way. But we will not be drawn and quartered into a
senseless game of violence when peace is our quest. Our sacrifice will be long and hard but our
spirits will remain high. In praise of the GU we will exemplify the highest form of life in contrast to
the butchering humans.
If we are dumb, we are dumb in the cause of love. Killing is the ultimate stupidity and we are
not the one's who are doing it and we never will (perhaps we are too smart for that!)
Self-defense is an option to be considered but we have no thumbs which makes it hard to hold
a weapon or even answer the phone. But we will heed the call of the GU and graze on for a
peaceful cow-existence with every living thing on earth.
Bless you bovines. The phone is ringing and I must go. I sure hope it's not the butcher down the
block looking for the Prime Roast Beef of Love. If he is, he won't find me. Until next Sunday?
The Guru Moo
As we shed our bovine body wraps after surviving the
deadly crick bug, it is time for us to form
relationships, celebrate our bodies and reclaim our
DAILY COW wholeheartedly endorses Reverend
Cowstello's call for the sexual liberation of cows and
bulls. Artificial insemination (AI for short) must be
discontinued because it is a crime against nature.
Love, sex and future offspring must have a face
attached to it. Not a tube.
Cows, keep your tails closed to the local AI guy no
matter how many bales of hay he promises you. Wait
for Mr. Right to mount you when you are in the
moood! Tell the AI guy to go fuck himself!
Bulls, keep your sperm to yourself and don't get
excited anymore when that local AI jerkoff comes to
visit you with the latest batch of erotic cow
centerfolds. Tell him to keep his chapped hands to
himself. Join your local chapter of H.A.H. (Hump A
Heifer) and cruise the fields for a Grade A
We have such a hard life. All work and no play make
Bossie and Bully a lousy roll in the hay. We want
more than milk to flow in the days ahead. Cum Bossie,
cum Bossie, cum Bossie!!
"Sometimes you must take the bull by the tail
and look the facts in the face."
(W.C. Fields)
"Capitalism is the breast of the fecund cow
from which the milk for all flows. With a
system of communism, the breast of the cow
is cut off, and there is no more milk."
(Michael Sindona)
Now humans are blaming us for global warming, the
hole in the ozone layer and the destruction of the
rainforest in South America. What next? Cows blamed
for the assassinations of JFK, MLK, RFK and the
futility of the Chicowgo Cubs in getting to the World
Cows are ecowlogically sound. Human beings are not.
Have you ever seen us spray canning our underlegs
and butts to smell good? Are we cutting down the
rainforest to further our graze? No! Humans are doing
this for money and to satisfy their vanity and taste for
our flesh.
While it is true that the average cow belches and farts
quite a bit, so does the average human (especially the
beer drinkers). And in case you haven't noticed the
earth lately, there are far more people than cows going
about their #2 business these days.
So don't blame the fowl condition of the earth on
cows. We always give back what we take from the
earth in a benign, caring and natural manner. Humans
are a cancerous malignancy on the earth that only
spiritual intervention can cure. Recycling the cancer is
not the answer. Leave us cows alone. Let us graze in
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd at Top Hill Farms
COWTRIBUTORS: Ace Backwords, Amanda,
Charles Angus Belov, Brian (Mr. Eelskin), Joe E.,
Rodney Leighton and Paul Weinman
All unsigned articles by the Editor. Cowwaspondence,
artwork and written submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
NAME: Ted Copulate
BIRTHPLACE: Hairweave, Indiana
OCCUPATION: Host American Bovine Channel's "Cow Line"
RELIGION: Temple of Holy Electronic Media & Adulterated Slack
PENIS SIZE: Can You Say Gargantuan!
AMBITION: To Bitch Slap Barbara Walters
LIKES: Iranian Cows, MENSA Cows, Holy Cows
DISLIKES: Japanese Cows, Stupid Cows, Laughing Cows
LAST BOOK READ: Udderknockers by Stephen King
FANTASY: To Be Taken Hostage By Dolly Parton And Have Her Bull Whip Me!
QUOTE: "In The Final Analysis Life Is Just Bullshit"
Artwork by Joe E.
...As he regained consciousness, he felt like
his head was filled with straw. At any rate, he
realized, his mouth was filled with that
substance. He still had the bowel problems
though. He raised his tail...Wait a minute, he
though. Tail? I dont have a tail. He swung his
head around and saw he did indeed have a tail.
He was so surprised that he let it drop and
suddenly it felt very mooshy and uncomfortable.
Bossie, you are such a stupid cow, said a
man, who appeared to Akim Tamiroff to be a
farmer. You should know to keep your tail up
while you do your business. My names not
Bossie, its Tamiroff. He realized, not without
some shock, that the farmer was pulling himself
along the ground, as he had no legs. Bossie,
Tamiroff, whatever you want. If it will keep your
milk from going sour, Ill call you whatever you
please. The farmer propped himself up against
a hay trough, picked up a pitchfork and shoveled
some hay out of the trough and into the pile
immediately in front of Akim. Thats all right,
said Akim. I can walk over there and get it
myself. Thats okay, said the farmer.
Nothings too good for my Tamiroff. Besides, I
want you to be in a good mood to meet the new
owner. Come on! Lets go outside and see him.
The farmer pulled himself along with his
arms. Tamiroff, having enuf legs for the both of
them, walked amiably alongside. He realized,
with no small satisfaction, that he could have
crushed the farmer with his hooves. He had no
urge to do so; merely the knowledge of his
power was enuf. As they left the barn, Tamiroff
saw a young woman approaching, along with a
man in a flowing white robe. Both were pulling
themselves along the ground with their arms.
Since the woman was wearing a long dress and
the man a long flowing robe, Tamiroff could not
tell whether they too were without legs or
whether they were trying to avoid hurting the
farmers feelings. And since he, Tamiroff, did not
want to hurt the farmers feelings, he could not
ask. But, when they got closer, Tamiroff saw that
they too did not have legs.
Tamiroff, you of course know my daughter.
And here is your new owner, Pope Paul II. How
do you do? said Tamiroff, trying to be polite,
even as he felt uncomfortable with the idea of
having an owner, new or otherwise. The Pope
took no notice of Akim, however. He seemed
much more interested in the farmers daughter.
You have a fine young daughter, said the
Pope. How old are you my dear? Ask me no
questions and Ill tell you no lies, replied the
farmers daughter. Now, Brunhilde, thats no
way to talk to your elders, admonished the
farmer. You have to be nice to the Pope, hear?
Aw, come on papa, hes been dead for
hundreds of years. Besides, were Protestant. I
dont have to kowtow to no Pope! his daughter
replied. Aint she a caution? the farmer said.
Tamiroff couldnt tell whether the farmer was
addressing the statement to himself, Tamiroff,
the Pope, or all of the above, or nobody in
The Pope apparently chose to assume the
statement was addressed to him. He said
something that Tamiroff couldnt understand,
but which Akim thought might be Latin. He was
not up to trying to figure it out. Anyways, he
found himself craving more hay. He turned to go,
nearly trampling the farmers daughter in the
process. She used her arms frantically to try to
pull herself out of the way, but it was
unnecessary. The Pope pulled himself over to
comfort her. Dont go, said the Farmer. I know
that I havent been giving you cows any kind of
religious upbringing, but thats still no way to act
towards a Pope. Tamiroff, ashamed, turned
back. Thank goodness I have a thick hide, he
thought, so they wont see me blush. Im
sorry, he said out loud. Thats okay, said the
farmer. After all, youre only a dumb cow. Im
not a cow, Tamiroff cried. Im a human like
you! I dont know how I got into this cows body.
I just want to go home.
His speech was interrupted by the daughters
screams. He saw the Pope take a bite out of her
arm. The Pope chewed on the flesh luxuriously,
as if it were the most important thing in the
world. You stop that immediately! shouted
Tamiroff. The Pope finally took notice of Akim.
He pulled himself up to Akims bulk and said,
Hello, Faggot! Tamiroff pulled himself up to
his full height, ten hands at the shoulder and
replied, Takes one to know one!
by Charles Angus Belov
1. Als Cow & The Milky Way - Albert Einstein
2. The Cud Zone - Stephen King
3. Scrabble For Cows - A&T Cowley
4. Raging Bull - Moohamid Ali
5. Profit Sharing - Ray Kroc
6. Cow Poet In Hell - Charlene Mookowski
7. Cowl! - Allen Ginsburger
8. Udderknockers - Stephen King
9. Letters To Gary Larson - David Mooey
10. The 1990 Income Tax Guide - Al Cowpone
1. Lick My Teats Off - Captain Beefheart
2. Superfly - Curtis Mayfield
3. Shoot Me! I Cant Milk Anymore - Cream
4. Moolah - MOO2
5. Suite For Feet - Frank Luciano
6. Saturday Barn Fever - Fertilizer
7. Moona Lisa - Natalie Cole
8. Classical Cow Gas - The Ozone Layer
9. Dedicated To The One I Milk - Shirelles
10. No Deposit/No Return - Sandy Bull
1. Dirty Milking
2. The Fly
3. Mutiny on the Farm
4. Last Moo In Paris
5. Rooster Cowburn
6. Bullbusters II
7. National Velvet
8. The Winds of Flatulence
9. A Girl, A Guy & A Guernsey
10. The Milkman Also Rings Twice
1. BGH Pushers
2. Artificial Inseminators
3. Fast Food Franchise Owners
4. J. Danforth Quayle
5. Fidel Castrator
6. The Laughing Cow
7. Donald Rumproast
8. Moodonna
9. Charley Horse
10. Dr. Ellis Dee
1. squirts self in eye
2. knocked over by cow
3. trampled by herd
A. we got no cracks,
so we cant give
premature birth
B. no titties - no
sweat over mastectomies
C. gay, so no worry
over premature or
underweight births
By Paul Weinman
We pondered for a moment and discussed
what MOO meant. It must mean
something very important. This cows
face was so serious. It looked straight at
us with its nose running, its tail beating
flies senseless, and its ears twitching. It
stretched its neck out and through its
shaking throat shouted Moo at us. After
our first response of laughter to the
situation, we began to see the importance
of MOO.
This cow had discovered MOO and
desperately wanted to share its discovery
with the rest of the world. Other cows in
the field didnt seem too inspired by this.
They looked more like normal cows. They
were just numbing along, numbing along,
not a skip or a song, just numbing along.
This cow still MOOED. Maybe it had
found out what being a cow is all about
and wanted to get out of it now.
MOO is a cry for help.
By Amanda
Rumors in the fast -food industry have it that
McDonalds is preparing to test market a new burger
made from bulls lips. It will be called the McJagger.
Then theres the one about the guy who is starting a
new fertilizer business. A detect the odor of a real
entremanure here.
We highly recowmend Wholly Cow compiled by
Emily Margolin Gwathmey and published by the
Abbeville Press in New York. A loving, photo filled
book that will delight any cow lover.
If you are in the Albany area between June 23rd and
August 26th of this year check out the New York
State Museum where The Cow In Photograph and
Folktale exhibit will be presented by the George
Eastman House.
Hearty congratulations go out to Amber Lynn of
Westhampton, New Jersey for the birth of triplets
(named Betsy, Jason and Damon). The proud papa,
Petticoat Dandy, snorted that there was nothing
artificial about this happy event as he passed us three
alfalfa cigars.
From Song of Myself
by Walt Whitman
The cow crunching with depressed head
surpasses any statue . . . I think I could turn
and live with animals, they are so placid
and self-contained.
(from Leaves of Grass)
The following organizations are working to
eliminate the abuse of farm animals:
FACT (Food Animals Concerns Trust)
P.O. Box 14599
Chicago, IL 60614
The Humane Farming Association
1550 California Street, Suite 19
San Francisco, CA 94109
Help those who cant help themselves.
You Dont Need A Weatherman To
Tell Which Way The Wind Blows
If all the cows in a pasture suddenly lie down, it
means a storm is coming.
If one cow licks another cow, it means an electrical
storm or blizzard is coming.
If cattle go into a barn and huddle in a corner on a
sunny day, it will rain.
When a cow tries to scratch her ear, it means a
shower is very near. When she thumps her ribs with
her tail, look out for thunder, lightening with hail.
Cowlvin & Hobbes
by Mr. Eelskin
I was really mooved by the article on Bugs in
your last issue. Bugs are certainly a mooral
dilemma and something is going to have to be
done and soon. I await the next issue with
anticipation. Keep up the good work.
Greg Oliver
Ontario, Canada
(Good news Greg, the Bossy Federation was
successful in wiping out the deadly crick
bug. Unlike humans, cows dont muck
around with problems of life and death.)
Please send me an issue of DAILY COW! It
sounds bovine. What mootiful animals are
cows! I love them, and have herds of cow
pictures, mugs, poems and Ive even written a
Moo Testament and Tao of Cow/Cow Te
Ching. I also cowlect cow songs and often
feature them on my occasional WFMU radio
shows. Gotta graze now, I wont udder
Andy Waltzer
East Orange, New Jersey
(Thanks for the memoo Andy. Hope you enjoy
the issues. Im sure readers of DAILY COW
would love to graze through your writings and
tune into your radio show.)
Thanks for the issues of DAILY COW that you
sent. Ive been passing them around and
spreading the word on your publication.
Theyve been much enjoyed here. Ive
enclosed some local clippings for your news
file. Unfortunately, the news has not been good
for cows lately. I hope Americas Dairyland
can provide you with better news bits in the
future. Till then, tell your bovine buddies to
Just Say No To BGH.
Linda Hedges
Madison, Wisconsin
(Thanks for the Hedge clippings Linda.
News clippings from readers are always
welcome as we build the DAILY COW
archives for many years to come.)
The cows are not too bad. Had to sell one
awhile back as her hind feet went all to hell and
she was having trouble getting around. Its a
shame as she was an excellent cow and very
smart as well. One time all the calves got out
somehow and that cow jumped the fence,
rounded them all up and chased them off the
highway. When I arrived she turned and
jumped back into the pasture.
My old barn is in rough shape. If you happen to
run across anyone with $25,000 to donate to a
worthy cause, give them my name. Keep up the
udderly fine work.
Rodney Leighton
Pugwash, Nova Scotia
(We dont need any more barnless cows out
there readers. So send all contributions to
Build Rodney a New Barn, R.R.#3,
Pugwash, Nova Scotia, Canada B0K, 1L0.
Also, any zine editors looking for a reviewer,
contact Rodney, hes looking to do a column.)
Thank you for ruining my afternoon. I came
home from the post office fully expecting to edit
away the day. Instead, I spent it reading about
cows. And for the first time in recent mammary,
I found myself laughing at this udder nonsense.
Great shit. Perhaps you can answer a question
which has been puzzling me for a while now.
Why does 2% milk cost more than 1% milk but
less than skim milk? And dont you think that
kids run away from home just to get their
pictures on milk cartons?
Paul Kellerman
Highland Park, New Jersey
(I asked Dr. Denton about your milk cost
question and he replied, I dunno, I drink 7
UP. Most likely the amount of processing
causes the price fluckuation (sic), not the
amount of whole milk in the product. I agree
with your runaway theory. Kids were less likely
to leave home when milk was confined to
bottles. I feel, of course, that milk cartons
should be used to find runaway cows but the
dairy combines dont give a shit and neither
does Father Bruce Ritter.
For a sample of Pauls publication, The Lost
Peruke, send $1.50 to him at P.O. Box 1525,
Highland Park, NJ 08904. If you like the COW
youll like the PERUKE.)
We would like to use your cow humor in our
monthly newsletter. In trade we are sending you
The Creamery Kids plaque.
Jim Bergin, The Creamery Store
Petaluma, California
(Thanks so much for the laser-etched plaque.
It is a much welcome addition to the wide
assortment of cow collectibles at Top Hill
Farms. Hope you can incorporate DAILY
COW into your newsletter without any serious
Enclosed find two postage stamps. I went to
mess hall and they had no 1/2 pints of milk. I
can get a quart but cannot get it in the envelope
without spilling it. Just goes to show what
bartering has come to these days. Anyway, I
need a good laugh once in awhile and your
publication just may do it.
David Kemmerling
Anamosa, Iowa
(So far no one has sent us any milk through
the mail in exchange for DAILY COW.
However, lactating cows and moms who stop
by always give us milk in lieu of stamps and
Hay, otes, wheets, barlee, korn, grayne!
Interesting zine. Corny as hell though. Gosh,
one of your cows went out with Johnny Rotten?
If they know the Village People, Ill really be
impressed. Cow manure always gets stuck in my
skateboard wheels. Cowabungabelly!!
Katrina Kelly
Earlville, New York
(Priscilla Purity grazed with J. Rotten in the
1970s but shes getting old and cant
remember much anymore. Shes in the
backyard now trying to ride her board and
ranting, Is it really 1990? Is age important?
Should I get an udderlift? Does anybody
Daily Cow is published on oat bran paper and
makes a fine snack after or during reading. Thank
moo! Back issues (#1, #2, #3) are availabull for 50
cents each.)
"Big Bovines Bouncing Beautifully"
"Boldly Going Where No Udder Has Gone Before"
"We Don't Graze-We Make Eyes Glaze"
Featuring: Moolah Maples, Ivana Rump, Jackie 'O',
Yoko 'O' 'No', Plain Jane MansFIELD & introducing
Bessy Boobs and her twin sister Bossy Boobs.
Hoffa on down to the Cowousel Strip Barn for the
thrill of a lifetime. Hay Bar! First Grasshopper
FREE!! Music by the New Orleans Syndicate & The
Magic Bullet Theory.
Come Early, Come Late, Come Often, Just Come!
The Love Potion To Get Your Bovine Or Bullfriend In
The Moooood For Love! The Passion Pill Holsteins
Luv. The Tonic That Guernsey's Beg For! Made
From Genuine Human Gallstones. Safe With No
Dizzying Side Effects. We Carry A Complete Line
For All Breeds of Bull and Cow. Easy To Swallow,
Easy To Digest. Gives Bulls Staying Power And
Heifers Multipile Orgasms! Rock The Night And Day
Away! Holy Cow Do Me Now!
The finest Nicaraguan bull condoms are now
availabull in the good ol' USOB. Recommended by
Surgeon General George Custer to prevent disease
and unwanted pregnancies. Covertly packaged. This
is a limited shipment and will be distributed on a
"first come, first served" basis. Trade your weapons
for our protection!
"Best Deal I Ever Made" (Oliver North)
"Nancy Never Lets Me Inside Without My Contra-
ceptives" (Ron Reagan)
"Avoid Scandal, Cover Up Your Handle" (John
NEW YORK, NY 10069
Attention Citizens: Next year there will be a general
election for the leadership of the Bossy Federation
in the U.S.O.B. Al (ice) Cowpone has already
announced her candidacy. To this McDonalds says:
The Cowpone machine is a mechanical cow with an
extremely large udder and a million teats. Its
esophagus is connected directly to the government
coffers and its anus to the warehouses for used
forms and documents. The complex operating
manual for this regime is perused thoroughly by the
many milkers and sucklings who nourish their
dependency at its silicon-enhanced breast. The
Cowpone administration is rampant with corruption,
nepotism and cheap hoods who only think of
themselves. Give your vote to a cow who cares!
A paid politicow advertisement by J. McDonald
Hey mommy is daddy really an Animal
Control Officer? Do ya think he can control
me! Hah, Hah! Hah!
Above is Jennifer Lynn Wyder (my niece) who
is the child of Steven and Kathy Wyder. Kathy
is a Veterinary Assistant and Steven is an
Animal Control Officer. Jennifer does better
cow imitations than I do.
Photos: Steve Wyder
Calf: Jennifer Lynn Wyder
Costume: Kathy Wyder
Proud Uncle: David Wyder
Mommy says no cereal until that
udder bag is full of milk.
My Uncle David edits Daily Cow. But Im
still gonna charge him $100 for the photos.
I love my mommy and daddy and they love me.
War on
CHICOWGO-Al Cowpone, leader of the Bossy Federation declared an
all out "War On Bugs" yesterday. Thousands of cows are dying every
month after being bitten by the deadly 'crick' bug which until a few
months ago was mainly concentrated in the nation of Cowlombia.
In a televised moo on the Cow Broadcasting System (CBS), Cowpone
said, "It is truly a plague upon our land. These crick bugs have infested
our barns, our graze land and worst of all our backsides. Our tails are
worn out and our milk is turning blue. Bug zappers can't keep up with the
sheer volume of bugs in the barnyard. No cow or bull is safe from the
scourge of crick bugs which prey on us day and night."
The bossy leader went on to say that in her younger days, "All we had to
contend with were mosquitoes, ya know, a little buzz and bite now and
then but you'd be able to keep your life together. But today with this bug,
one bite and yer a goner. You start mooing crazy, stealing from the herd,
yer milk turns blue, yer tail falls off and then ya die. We are losing the
finest udders of this generation due to this crick affliction. We must get
this bug off our backs so we can return this land to the cud chewers."
A loud round of moos were herd across America when Cowpone
announced the four areas of attack in her "War on Bugs": #1) Within the
week 12,000 of Chicowgo's finest and meanest bovines will be grazing
down to Cowlombia armed with Mrs. Timothy O'Leary Lamps to confront
the bug lords and burn out their breeding grounds. #2) Over 7.9 million
gallons of milk will be allocated to produce Bovine Body Wraps to protect
cows from the deadly bite. #3) Aerial spraying of the bugs with Raid will
start next week by the Bossy Air Force. #4) Another 4.3 million gallons of
milk will be allotted to open Tail Rehabilitation Centers nationwide for the
chronically swatless. #5) The appointment of William "Bugsy" Moolone
as the nationwide Bug Czar to cowordinate all facets of the War on Bugs.
After the moo Cowpone spoke to DAILY COW by phone and maintained
that the five point plan would clean up this plague within six months.
"Once we arrive in Cowlombia and kill all the bug lords half the battle will
be won. We will show no mercy on these cow killers. They may not burn
in hell for the pain they have inflicted but they will burn on earth! The
battle on the homefront will take longer, but with body wraps, spraying
and clinics we will once again be a healthy and contented nation of cud
chewers. May Buddah Bless Moo and these United Steaks of Bovine."
Cover Story - Page 1
Pix - Page 2, 4
News - Page 3, 5
Muse - Page 6
Cowmentary - Page 7
Daily Stud Pinup - Page 8
SPARC - Page 9
Cowstrology - Page 10
Kale - Page 11
Alfalfa - Page 12
Feedback - Page 13
Cowmercials - Page 14
Cowbiturary - Page 15
Back Cover - Page 16
Originally Published 11/05/89
Digitally Remastered 02/15/02
By Zsa Zsa Gabor
Soggy hay, crick hay and no hay.
Heavy rains, Hurricane Hugo and
the Bug Lords have made us all go
on a diet. Hay stamps available at
your local Bossy Federation office.
A mild winter may help the grass
sprout sooner this spring.
A milker comforts his friend who was bitten by the
crick bug last week. Notice the swelling in the leg area.
1. Tail flaps constantly, feels like its going to fall off.
2. Bulls-eye rash appears day to weeks upon first bite.
3. You start mooing show tunes.
4. Kleptomania.
5. Excessive swelling, flu-like chills, fever, & udderache.
6. Your milk turns blue.
7. The Great Udder (GU) starts calling you.
A Crick house with afflicted cows. Not a happy sight.
PASSAIC-Police were called to Top Hill Manor
Farms last week when two young cows attacked a
mailman after he attempted to bend a piece of mail
postmarked from Brooklyn, New York. The mailman,
identified as Jesse James, was squirted with
unpasteurized milk from head to to and later broke out
in hives due to an allergy to milk.
The two cows, identified only as Lauren and Kecia,
were arrested and charged with assault by udder. As
there were no jail cells large enough to hold them, they
were placed in a makeshift stockade behind police
Groucho Moostein, Daily Cow lawyer, baled out the
bovines within hours and said that this would never
have happened had the postman slipped the envelope
under the door as instructed. After speaking to his
clients, Moostein also stated that these two cows were
provoked into the attack. "This mailman hates cows
and taunts the cows at Top Hill Farms everyday. They
were minding their own business, Mr. James was not
minding his. We're going to moo up a storm in court."
While at the police station, Moostein's wife, Tammy
Hay, was standing by a cowfee machine and milked by
two officers of the goddamn law who were too lazy to
run to the store for a half pint. Udderly embarrassed
and humiliated by this treatment of his wife, Moostein
plans to the Police Department for sexual harassment.
Daily Cow editor David Mooey released a statement
defending the two young bovine staffers. "Mr. James
provoked them and they are innocent. How were they
to know he was allergic to milk. Lauren and Kecia
deliver the Daily Cow to local residents when they are
on break from cowlege. They are both honor cows and
studying to be the first cow croupiers to work in a
casino in Atlantic City. They are ambitious, hard
working and would not harm a fly. However, cows
young and old will not stand idly by and be attacked
by the butcher's knife of sarcasm. We apologize to the
USPS and ask that a civil servant be assigned to our
route and that Mr. James be reprimanded and
Mr. James has filed a $10,000 lawsuit. No trial date
has been set.
PASSAIC-Drunken cows smashed their way through
a high school yesterday breaking about 200 windows
and dropping computer terminals from a second floor
"It looks like the artillery had gone off and we were
the target," said Passaic High School Principal
Charles Manson. "I think they just went wild,
probably too much of that BGH hormone was shot
into them. It looked like there was a gas explosion in
every room. There's manure everywhere. It's hard to
comprehend that cows could do this let alone run the
elevator to get to the second floor. It was a BGH party
that got udderly out of control."
Damage is estimated at $50,000 and no suspects have
been rounded up yet.
UDDERTON-A 36 year old Guernsey cow was
injured when a tractor plowed through a plate glass
window at a Dunkin' Donuts shop and pinned the cow
against a service counter.
Mary Mooer, a frequent customer, was admitted to
Cow Chip Memorial with a bell and two dozen
blueberry donuts lodged in her throat. She was listed
in satisfactory condition after surgery.
The accident occurred when a tractor driven by Paul
Lynde was pulling into a parking space. The tractor
apparently went out of control, jumped the curb and
crashed into the store, striking the table where Mrs.
Mooer was grazing.
MENOMINEE-A dairy farm cow was overcome by
methane fumes and died yesterday when she slipped
into a 10-foot --deep manure pit and four other cows
were fatally overcome while trying to rescue her.
"She was being nosy as cows tend to be," said Dr.
Peter Love, Cownty Medical Examiner. "She
accidentally slipped down the inclined plane; a second
went down in to find her and was overcome also. Then
another went down to get the other two, and so on and
so on. Just a bunch of stupid cows if you ask me."
The names of the victims were not released upon
request of the relatives.
Crowned last week in Atlantic City was Bertha Beef. A painter, above is her self portrait which
swayed the judges even more than the bathing suit competition. Her dream is to give the world a
cup of milk and a big wet kiss!
Princess Diana with Englands Royal Bull,
King Testerone III. Is divorce with Charles
imminent. After all one has balls and the
other, well, has nachos?
Mick Money on stage at the world famous
Hilltop Auditorium. This old cow rakes in
a million gallons per show. Same old beef,
different year.
VATICAN CITY-A Roman Catholic bull priest got
tangled up in his red cassock and plunged to his death
from the third floor balcony of his apartment last
Animal Control Officers said that Father Jim "Randy"
Dandy, 23, had locked himself out of his apartment in
the Toreador Quarter of Vatican City and asked a
neighbor to let him climb from an adjoining balcony
onto his own.
His long red cassock hindered his moovements and he
slipped and fell into a courtyard. Father Dandy died of
internal injuries. He was a well respected member of
the "bully pulpit" and a crusader against bull fighting.
CUDSVILLE-A Friesian cow who swam to safety
after a 80 mph wind sheer capsized her sailboat in the
Atlantic City said she would have drowned along with
her fiancee if Buddha hadn't told her what to do.
"I was trapped in the boat underwater with my fiancee
Rambull (who died) and I herd Buddha talk to me,"
said Margie Largess from her cowspital bed. "Buddha
told me to open my eyes and when I did I could see the
light. Buddha told me to go to the light and I did. The
next thing I knew my udder came out of the water and
I swam to safety."
Ms. Largess has sold the rights to her sensational story
to Cud Chewers Digest and a moovie of her life will
be made by Heifer Box Office a cable TV network.
CHICOWGO-In a bizarre sex thrill case,an Assistant
Fly Control Officer at the Chaste Eastern Barns in
Chicowgo, Illinois was indicted for involuntary
Dr. David Love allegedly suspended his bovine
spouse, Irene, from the third floor rafter of their barn
by a rope tied around her hooves. When the rope
slipped the bovine fell to her death. Dr. Love claims
that the death was accidental. He had dangled his
portly wife in order to perform a sexual act (upside
down cowabanga).
He was charged with involuntary cowslaughter rather
than murder after a calf on the farm testified before a
grand jury that she had seen the Love's perform the
sex act in question many times before.
CANADA-A cow who leaped from a soaring Red Poll
Airlines plane and left behind a single pail of milk was
a poet who resigned from ASH quarterly a few hours
earlier said an official from Blind Cow Publishing.
There were no clues as to why Charlene Mookowski,
16, of Ontario decided to jump from the plane at
25,000 feet. She had scheduled an afternoon poetry
reading at "Strattons" in Vancouver and had boarded
the plane in Halifax after a reading at "Rod's Place."
"We have not found a note," said Lester Splatt, an
airline Vice President. "We found her Kowaski
mootorcycle in the lot but nothing else." Mookowski,
described by passengers as drunk, pulled a lever and
forced an emergency door open and plunged to her
HOLLYWEED-An old-fashioned cowfight erupted
during the auditions for Sweet Bird of Youth,
reports Rona Barrett of the Hollywood Star. Seems
that Audrey, a 50 year old Guernsey from New Jersey,
started ringing her cowbell in protest when the part
she auditioned for, Alexandra del Lago, went to
Hollyweed Star Elizabeth Taylor Ham. This led Liz to
put down the raw meat she was eating and challenge
Audrey to a roll in the mud outside the set. Witnesses
said that Audrey had a definite weight disadvantage to
Liz, who chewed Audreys bell to bits within ten
After the fracas, each issued a statement to the press.
Said Liz, Shes just a cow. Said Audrey, Calling
me a cow is like calling the kettle black.
(By David Messineo)
Atlanta-Mabel, a cow from Atlanta, will be the first
cow to be freeze-dried, announced Tammy Fay Hay,
her owner, recently. Mable expired on October 10th.
The freeze-drying process, perfected in Utah and
recently detailed in the National Encowerer, leaves the
animal looking life-like, and in a friendly position the
owner desires to remember her by. Said Tammy,
Friends will think Mabels still alive, but when they
try to milk her...boy, are they going to be surprised.
(By David Messineo)
Cow prejudice. It's rampant. Those who truly know us don't bother refuting generalized
miscowceptions. Those who know us mock us and shout the loudest. Regardless, we graze pastorally
with the knowledge of creation and live each day in a milky splendor.
We can't help it if we taste good. But that don't mean we ain't got no brains. Whaddya think
we do in the field all day? Just chew on grass, drop loads and go home to get milked? If so
you are wrong, dead wrong. For one, we ruminate on the nature of things. ALL THINGS. We
are tragically misunderstood by all living creatures as to what we are doing on this planet. It's
time to give you the low down.
(Everything Equals Milking Cows
Al Einstein, that brilliant human and cow lover knew all about us. He chose not to release his
greatest theory to the general public for fear of ridicule. This being his Theory of Lactation.
The manuscript, "Al's Cow and The Milky Way" was recently uncovered and it is here that he
explains, in human terms, what cows have known forever. The "Theory of Lactation" states
that the universe originated from a Giant Udder (hereafter referred to as the GU), which
creates galaxies from a single teat drop.
This udder, spanning millions of light years in space and time, created our Milky Way and is creating
galaxies galore with each liquid drop of its udder. The physical base substance of all life and matter
is milk! The GU chews on the great emptiness of space in order to lactate and create life as we know
it. This udder is getting bigger everyday folks and Einstein predicted that eventually it will fill ALL
SPACE. So as you can see our good cowbuddy Einstein may be dead but he was full of it. Full of the
cow knowledge.
Earth cows have eternal life. Can you digest that? All cows return to the GIANT UDDER (GU)
after their time on Earth. They go dancin' through the Milky Way with udders flyin' free!
Much of what I'm talking about now has to do with going home, finding that place inside
mooself and extending that place to the larger universe, until finally you moove into that
udderly still place, the milk center of things. The GU, of course, is complete within itself and
drops us whatever is required for our journey.
Humans, who think they are so smart don't know shit or milk about anything. We let them slaughter,
butcher and milk us out of cowpassion. Cows built the planet Earth long before humans existed. But
humans came along with their attitude of superiority and mindless dominion and will surely destroy
this beautiful green planet before cows can save it. Humans are in such a deep sleep that only the
END of the road will wake them up. For cows there is no END only an endless beginning.
Last month Voyeur III, launched by the Great Udder Space Program (GUSP), radioed back
faint moo's from outer space. Voyeur III is about 20 million light years from our earth and
by all indications pictures and sounds of the GIANT UDDER (GU) in action should be availabull
to cows on earth by the year 2020. While NASA delights in pictures of Uranus, cows are close
to physical contact with the creator of all life!
So enjoy your hamburger and shake, humans. Cows have surpassed you in everything but brutality
and prejudice. We arent stupid, its all a hoax, Life goes on-one drop at a time.
The Guru Moo
The fight for our civil rights is on going and Cowstock
Nation just a pleasant mammary. The "War On Bugs"
is today's reality and we will not rest until we have
wiped the crick bug and all bugs from the planet.
DAILY COW urges cows everywhere to support
Alice Cowpone and "Bugsy" Moolone in this war on
bugs. Those not afflicted must give more milk to the
Bossy Federation. The average two gallons a day is
not enough to support the production of bovine body
wraps and the opening of Tail Rehabilitation Clinics.
Get out in that field and graze day and night. Produce
40 to 50 gallons a day more so that we can win this
war. Keep a stiff udder lip!
On a somber note it has come to our attention that
some of us light fires at the approach of the deadly
crick bug. While fire is the extinguisher of this plague
we cannot burn our sustenance out of fear. A cow lives
by grass alone! Let the fire burn in Cowlombia where
the Chicowgo Bovines will destroy the Medellin
Cluster. Don't burn your own graze land.
For those of you who have lost loved ones to crick we
offer our deepest sympathies and urge you to enlist in
this fight in memory of your beloved bovines. In the
words of China's immortal Chairman Cow, "War can
only be won if our fear is cloaked in courage."
"There is something about making milk. You
can bitch about it and talk about your teats,
but make milk and it all becomes easy. It
even improves your personality."
(Newt Kiley)
"Patronage is for cows who are looking for
jobs but not for work."
(Lisa Douglas)
DAILY COW is starting a drive to outlaw that cruel
human sport known as rodeo. The riding of broncing
bulls and the roping of underage calves must end. Get
off our backs and stop bringing us down you stupid
and sick human clowns!
Last week Maso K. Walsh, a former rodeo bull,
stopped by and gave us the inside poop on rodeo life.
"They pump us full of drugs and keep us in stalls so
small we can't even moove. A quick slaughter awaits
us should we put on a poor show or by chance get
lucky and gore an asshole cowboy who can't get away
after we throw his ugly ass off. After the show we get
put in a filthy trailer with a bale of cheap hay and
cheap wine and moove on to the next town. We get no
pay and the only fun is the random quick sex and
violent death. It's a viscious cycle and I'm tired of
riding it."
Bovines, write your representatives in Cowgress,
picket the rodeo when it comes to your town. Cowcott
those companies which advertise on rodeo broadcasts.
Most of all we need to free our brothers and sisters
who are enslaved in this horrible spectator sport.
When a rodeo animal comes to your barn for asylum,
don't be terrified, give them space, let them graze-give
them a Home On Your Range!
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd at Top Hill Farms
COWTRIBUTORS: Joe E. (Artwork), Richard
Messineo (News)
All unsigned articles by the Editor. Cowwaspondence,
artwork and written submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
NAME: Prickly Heat
OCCUPATION: Federal Bovine Inspector
RELIGION: The Cross Dressing Church of J. Edgar Hoover
PENIS SIZE: Bambino!
AMBITION: To Settle Down And Not Raise A Family
LIKES: Breeders Digest, Welsh Blacks, Arsenio Hall
DISLIKES: The Moosletter, Holsteins, Artificial Insemination
LAST BOOK READ: The Milk Wars of 1912 by Philip B. Dick
FANTASY: To Love An Elephant With Big Ears!
QUOTE: "Silence Is Golden And So Are My Love Showers"
The Society for the Preservation and Appreciation of Rooftop Creatures was founded by a small but
discriminating group of appreciators of the higher principles of architectural beauty. The original inspiration for
this group was the four magnificent plasticine cows which grace the tops of dairy stores in Durham, North
Carolina, but it has expanded to include other creatures such as roof pigs, on top of barbecue palaces or
suspended more or less in mid-air; chickens, of any height; bugs, usually found but not always on exterminator
cars; dragons, if found; and the iguana no longer atop the Lone Star Cafe in New York City.
While the highest act of homage would of course be to purchase a roofcow of ones very own, we can understand
that the prohibitive expense is beyond the means of most members. (There is no other reason not to have ones
own roofcow. While certain misunderstandings are inevitable, they can be handled easily and simply by keeping
a small stock of cigarettes and milk on hand, or by putting up a sign saying Not a Dairy Store.) Members are
expected to moo appreciatively whenever they pass a roofcow. Appropriate noises for other rooftop creatures,
such as oinking at roofpigs, are appreciated, but by no means mandatory. Knowing snickers at those who fail to
appreciate the transcendent beauty and taste of the roofcow are also recommended.
By Arthur Hlavaty and Bernadette Bosky
Anthem by Henrietta R. Fowler
Oh Beautiful roofcow,
Up on our Roof,
We honor your appearance
From horns to tail and hoof.
Oh big, brown-eyed roofcow,
Watch for evermore
Keep us safe and love us
Atop your dairy store.
We honor you, roofcow,
With hearty, loud Moo!-
Beacon to many,
SPARCing love in few.
Ben Bovine
Sow Tse Tung
Ethel Mooman
Bull Durham
Noel Cowyard
Moogaret Thatchroof
Hoink Williams
Arthur Hlavaty
Bernadette Bosky
CAPRICORN (December 22-Janudairy 19) Alien attack this afternoon. They will suck all the
blood outta you. Local police won't have a clue. Take your vitamins, let the aliens enjoy you. Keep
your blood circulating by jogging.
AQUARIUS (Janudairy 20-February 18)Your horse friend is off to the Glue Factory to be with
Elmer. Get used to the name Patty because that's what people will start calling you. Watch your ass!
PISCES (February 19-March 20)Your trial for milk fraud starts today. Don't let the green grass fool
you. Get used to leg irons and grazing behind bars.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Count your blessings and teats. You've been had by a scapegoat but
wipe the barn clean and start anew. Your breezy and winning ways will attract others easily. Watch
your tongue there are asbestos in the barn.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Hey stud! Dr. Castrator is in town and you are on his list. Better have
one more barn bang before daybreak comes. After tomorrow the only thing you'll be able to hump
will be a fly. Try to calm down. Get used to an empty sack.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21) Stop smoking that alfalfa and seeing that bull Spanky. Your gang war
with the Bowery Cows will end in disaster. Your fight over "turf" will drown you in the "surf." If you
must go to war, take that cute little bell off and slip into some leather and chains.
CANCER (June 22-July 22) Benito Moosolini will be in your field today passing out fascist
literature with an UZI strapped to her udder. Don't argue and agree to donate half your milk to the
Costra Moostra. Moo quietly and keep your tail still.
LEO (July 23-Augcudst 22)Your divorce with Gestalt comes through. You get to keep the calves
but that batch of frozen sperm goes to the bovine of Gestalt's choice. You only keep what's still inside
you. Put the milker you know where!
VIRGO (Augcudst 23-September 22) Representatives from Spalding visit the farm today.
Something about a game with a bat and a ball and they need balls. No, not your lover Babe Herman's
but your raw hide. Get out the tanning oil as you may be skinned alive.
LIBRA (September 23-October 23) Play for keeps in affairs of the heart. Your grazing instinct is
stimulated to the max. Sleep in late tomorrow and tell the milkman to go milk himself. Study hard for
that MBA. Watch out for discount stores that promise employment.
SCORPIO (October 24-November 21) Daily Cow staff interviews today. Watch out for questions
on young cows in China, goat love and their editor's bad puns. Watch reruns of "Green Acres" to
sharpen up. Have some laughs your world needs some stress relief.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)Your udder may explode today. Don't you ever watch
what Farmer Rogers puts in your feed? Those additives sure taste good but haven't you noticed you
now take up two stalls? Go on a diet. Graze the city streets for a change.
Question: I am a 24 year old cow and I am currently
involved with a bull who believes that his testicles
are too small. He is so self-conscious that he doesnt
like to strut in front of me. I hate to see him belittle
himself this way. Is it possible for a bull to have his
testicles enlarged?
Answer: Testicles, which produce sperm and male
sex hormones, are normally 3 to 5 inches long and 3
to 5 inches wide. They weigh about 3 ounces.
Culturally the testicles have been linked to strength
and virility. Weak bulls are accused of having no
balls, and many bulls assume that the larger the
balls, the stronger the bull.
According to the Bally Casino & Plastic Surgery
Center, it is impossible to enlarge testicles. I suggest
that you help your bullfriend understand that his
maleness is not measured by the size of his balls or
any other organ. Happy Trails!
Dont Trust Pigs - They Squeal
What do you call a boat for cows? (A scow)
The first cow in baseball was? (Mookie Wilson)
Our interview with Paul McCowtney never came
off. Seems that McCowtney decided to go on tour
with all the other material world cows. We dig his
latest moo Flowers In The Dirt even if he did
brush us off like a fly on his tail.
Cow blood may soon flow in human veins. Actually
just the hemoglobin part, if testing proves safe in
Boston. A kinder and gentler human being?
A milkmaid in Central Russia reported a close
encounter with an alien. Must be pulling to hard for
the home team?
You can get married on Longhorn Steers in Fort
Worth, Texas courtesy of Pen n Inc. How about it
World Farm Animals Day had its annual observance
on October 2nd. This is also the birthdate of
Mahatma Ghandi the worlds foremost protector of
farm animals. Give cows a chance!
There will be 10 million cows in 1990 compared
with 22 million in 1950. Only 600 dairy farms
remain in Massachusetts, down from 3,000 in 1979.
A world without cows?
The Country Store, 5925 Country Lane, Milwaukee,
WI 53201 has an interesting catalog full of cow and
other rural items. Send $1 for their latest catalog full
of good stuff.
Bag-O-Bull, advertised this past summer, is just
that-a bag of bull crap. You can find dirt in your
backyard raunchier than this stuff. If youre into pet
rocks this is for you. Crass Cowstock
commercialism if you ask me. Bad stuff!
If you were to ask me why I dwell among
green mountains,
I should laugh silently; my soul is serene.
The peach blossom follows the moving water;
There is another heaven and earth beyond
the world of men.
(From the Chinese Li Po Anonymous
Joe E.
Send $1 to Lynn Perry, P.O. Box 1241, Mount
Laurel, NJ 08054 for Thought Parade , a new zine
devoted to poetry and prose. She likes Daily Cow
and may reprint parts of past issues and some of the
editors serious (???) poetry in a future issue. Her
dog is named Blaze.
David Messineo, who contributed two news stories
to this issue, puts out Sensations which I would
classify as a literary magazine (top shelf stuff).
Write him at 2 Radio Ave., #A-5, Secaucus, NJ for
info on how to get an issue.
Joe E., who contributed some artwork (more in
future issues we hope) can be postmarked at 310
Penn Street, Riverton, NJ 08077. He has lots of
artwork available should your zine need some.
Arthur Hlavaty, who is a member in good standing
of SPARC publishes DR an insightful publication to
us cows and he can be postmarked at 1707 Ward
Street, Durham, NC 27707. Thanks for sharing
SPARC with us.
ASH is a new zine devoted to poetry, prose, artwork
and anything that the bovines at Blind Cow
Publications get off on. Submissions are welcome at
121 Gregory Avenue, #B-7, Passaic, NJ 07055. If
you want the first issue send your request along with
a stamp.
Oh Sacred Cow
If you ask me
India is the place to be
There cows are sacred
none are objects of hatred
There cows roam free
like Povich, Maurey
but are not married to Connie Chung.
-G. Vincent
True Love
A milkmaid called Maisy was milking the cow,
She'd filled seven buckets and then fed the sow,
The farmer came out and he gave her the sack,
So she turned the cow round and she poured the milk
Queen ( a haiku)
Beautiful Holstein,
Who's milk helps give life to all;
a true dairy queen.
Hero ( a haiku)
My Bovine hero,
from high atop the mountain,
strong and wise and proud.
Dear Mailman:
Do not bend dis here article, cuz if you do a cow
shall charge out of Davids apartment and
release a huge quantity of milk from her udders
onto yer postal uniform.
Dear Mailman:
Please dont bend this article. Slip it under
Davids door. Dont ring the bell because he has
14 fat female cows in his apartment which he
milks constantly. The loud noise of a ringing
doorbell will frighten the cows and milk
flowing from the udders will start spraying
uncontrollably throughout the entire apartment.
Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
Frank Luciano
Brooklyn, New York
(As you can read on page two a certain Passaic
mailman doesnt bother to read the outside of
the envelopes that Frank sends to me. We like
and respect Franks brutal honesty. To get a
copy of his excellent clip zine send $1.50 or a
pair of womens shoes to Franks Zine, 4417
18th Avenue, #166, Brooklyn, NY 11204. His
zine is called Singin Dose Anti-Psychotic
Blues, so be prepared for a heavy dose of
violence, sex and truth.)
Id really like to see a Daily Cow. I dont think
Id like to see a cow daily, though.
Les U. Knight
Portland, Oregon
(A relative of Mr. James, perhaps?)
Thanks for the issue of Daily Cow. I found it to
be very enjoyable. Cows are an amazing sort of
beast, very similar to humans in many ways.
They can be damned ornery, stubborn, stupid,
cantankerous and downright ignorant. They can
also be very easy to get along with, easy to
handle, intelligent as hell and out and out smart.
I have seen cows protect their calves from
various predators, including humans. I have also
had my life saved from a bull gone wild, in two
instances, once by a steer I had raised and once
by my old pet cow-14 this year. That same cow
has been scared by something and gone wild
and when caught let me lead her home with a
belt around her neck and brought another half
dozen cows back with her. She has out and out
refused to go someplace I wanted her to and yet
will come right to me at my call, if she can hear
me 98% of the time. Sound like any humans you
Rodney Leighton
Pugwash, Nova Scotia
(Sounds like quite a cow, Rodney. How did
your haying go? Thanks for all your
cowwaspondence and the issues of The
Leighton Look. Readers can send Rodney a
buck for the above and include anything you
got on wrestling or other interesting stuff as he
reviews all his mail in addition to trying to
keep his farm going.)
I really enjoyed the two issues of Daily Cow!
Great humor and hard to put down. Ive
enclosed a tragic article from our local paper
and an advertisement running in Canada. Cows
make bread too!
Greg Oliver
Kitchener, Ontario
(Thanks for the clippings and hope you enjoy
Issue #3 as well.)
The perfect place for all your barn lighting needs.
Stop reading and eating in the dark. We sell
kerosene lanterns that are safe and kick-proof.
Check out our lamps that are brighter than you are
and bull-proof. See the light! A mind is a terrible
thing to waste!
Come tour the barn of Elvis Cowslely!!
"He may be dead, he may be alive but he better not
come home
because there's a whole herd of cows in his drive."
Tour the 3 mile high radioactive feed silo
See a cowlection of over 400 udder belts
Record a moo to one of Elvis' greatest hits
Meat Elvis' old milker Irving Pullhard
A day of family fun guaranteed for one and all.
Prescription drugs sold at the gate.
Too much glare in the field? Can't find your way
home to the barn? Grazing into trees? If so, you may
need glasses. CowOptics, the leader in cow glasses
and contacts has been the leader in their field since
1955. We offer the following at very reasonabull
A Quart Of Beer To Our First Five Customers On
Accurate, Comfortable Fitting Prescription Eyewear
A Wide Selection Of Fashion Frames
Professional Eye Exam
Who you gonna call in any waste emergency? Why,
Manure Busters of course. We are the number one
barn and field number two clean up service in the
world. Electric machine cleaning of your dung
mounds done promptly and courteously.
We are on your job in one hour. Super suction
service is available for those hard to reach areas.
Why wait for decomposition to set in. Get rid of that
shit now! Call Manure Busters today and receive a
lifetime subscription to DAILY COW!!
We have enough artificial intelligence here to make
any cow a genius. Come on down and see our latest
line of barn cowputers, field cowputers and uddertop
cowputers. All built with the latest and best cow
chips imported from Japan. Custom designed
bovine software availabull. Chart your milk flow or
your graze patterns. Play cowputer games like
"Burger King Ninja" and "McDonald's
Slaughterhouse Five." Have we got a deal for you!
*The Long & Winding Moo - The Buggers*
The Fab Foursome secretely recorded and milked
live in 1971 at Al Goldmans Barn of Luvtales.
Songs include: This Cow, I Want To Hold Your
Udder, All My Milking, Im A Mooser, Cant Buy Me
Hay, Milk Together, Strawberry Fields Forever, plus
the never before released Leave My Bull Alone.
Joe Pope: No manure here.
Yoko Ono: I tried to use Johns credit cud to buy
this but the feedlot owner would only accept hay.
CRICK VICTIMS (Left to Right)
1. Jersey Josie Walcott
2. Mae West with Mae East, Mae North, et.
3. Ebony Ivory
4. Debbie Dallas with Houston
5. Bessie Davis
The nicest cows youd
ever want to know!
the cowstock
BETHELL-Some said it would be udder chaos. Udders said it would be a
weekend of bullshit. But 400,000 or more cows spent a weekend of milk
and honey mooing to the sounds of Joe Cowcker, Hugh Masakela, The
Cowsills, The Dead Milkmen, The Moove, Christopher Milk and the
Traveling Bovines. There were no milk floods and no fights over grazing
territory. Although automatic milkers were scarce, cows shared the
facilities in a newborn spirit of cowerly love. Surprisingly, most did not
graze, they just sat down and passed around the alfalfa pipe and let the
moosic hit their stomachs
Cows from all over the United States trotted into their Kowasaki pick-up
trucks and tied up traffic for miles on the New York State Thruway to get
to this small cow town. Promoters were surprised at the huge crowd as
last winters Civil Rights Graze in Washington, DC had come up dry.
Everywhere you went you herd the proclamation of "Cowstock Nation."
Twenty calves were born and not one human on the periphery dared to
slaughter or milk a member of Cowstock Nation. Giant bug zappers were
erected throughout the area and tails were slapping to the beat not the
Sun Spot, a prize bull, preached to a small crowd at a watering hole. A
tall bull, with red-brown hair and shining eyes, he had come to the festival
with his lover, a sheep. Off in a corner was his staff, topped by a human
skull, with the message: "Don't Eat Cows, Love Them/The Killing of
Cows Creates The Killing of People."
Maxine Yasgur, on whose farmland the festival was held, came to the
microphone at the end and said, "I'm a farmer and you cows are the
greatest. I hereby declare this the United States of Bovine (USOB's).
Buddah bless you and keep you and thank you for enriching my land."
It was most certainly a weekend of peace, love and good moosic. As the
cows departed you could smell something in the air. They were mooving
on after they showed the world that 400,000 cows were more than a
piece of meat and a pail of milk.
Cover Story - Page 1
Pix - Page 2, 4
News - Page 3
Muse - Page 5
Cowmentary - Page 6
Dairy Queen Pinup - Page 7
Cowetry - Page 8
Cowtoon - Page 9
Feedback - Page 10
Cowmercials - Page 11
Back Cover - Page 12
Originally Published 06/18/89
Digitally Remastered 02/15/02
An Interview with
Paul McCowtney
Heavy spring rains did produce
bountiful grass for grazing this
summer and hay for the winter
months. Many brush fires in the
Northeast spell trouble. Toxic waste
found in Texas grazeland. Be
careful down there!
Jesse Jackson was there! He shook over 5000 udders.
Now thats what we call milking a crowd!
Andy Warhol was there as well. He was filling canvas
after canvas with his favorite subject COWS!
Tempe-A new cow cult calling itself "The Jack Lord
Order of Holy Cows" has been uncovered in Tempe,
Arizona by a group of busybodies.
Upon entry into the cult the cow's assets are liquidated
via uddersuction. They are then left in the desert
chanting "Woe Fat, Woe Fat, Woe Fat", for days on
end until they are no longer meatworthy.
Daily worship is held before a huge drive-in screen
showing hourly reruns of the popular TV show Hawaii
Five-O which stars Jack Lord.
Members believe Jack Lord is their spiritual leader for
the long awaited revolution and deliverance of cows
from humans. The order advocates a homeland for
cows in Hawaii and the booking by Dano of all milk
drinkers and beef eaters.
Chicowgo-In a bizarre sex thrill case,an Assistant Fly
Control Officer at the Chaste Eastern Barns in
Chicowgo, Illinois was indicted for involuntary
Dr. David Love allegedly suspended his bovine
spouse, Irene, from the third floor rafter of their barn
by a rope tied around her hooves. When the rope
slipped the bovine fell to her death. Dr. Love claims
that the death was accidental. He had dangled his
portly wife in order to perform a sexual act (upside
down cowabanga).
He was charged with involuntary cowslaughter rather
than murder after a calf on the farm testified before a
grand jury that she had seen the Love's perform the
sex act in question many times before.
Hamburg-A 16 year old cow in Hamburg, Germany
who had been hiccuping continually for over two
years, jumped from a cowspital window to her death.
Veterinarians estimated that Telly Oooder had
hiccuped 98 million times following an operation on
three of her four stomachs. Medical treatment failed to
cure the ailment and local heifers said that Ms. Oooder
had become increasingly despondent after thousands
of Cowgrams from all over the world with suggestions
on how to cure her hiccups had all failed to work.
A memoorial service will be held at the Cow Palace in
San Francisco where Ms. Oooder was born.
Passaic-A Passaic cow drowned Sunday when she fell
out of a canoe into the Passaic River. The body of
Greta Grazer was found by the Udder Emergency
Squad in about 15 feet of water about 12 yards from
the shore.
Ms. Grazer, a non-swimmer, was fishing in the river
for seaweed when she stood up in the canoe, which
then tipped over dumping her into the water.
Ms. Grazer resided at Top Hill Farms and was
employed by Farmland Dairies.
Australia-Milk may be going off the diet of some
Australians whose big cities have been udder attack by
gangs of cows who describe themselves as members of
the Dairy Liberation Front.
The cows steal bottles of milk from humans doorstep
after the milkman has completed his early morning
rounds. A polite note is left explaining that, because
of your privileged position in society, you have been
chosen to contribute your milk back to cows for whom
living on this earth is not a luxury.
A group of sisters - Doris, Ernestine and Agnes Cowley
from Goldsboro, North Carolina enjoy Joe Cowcker
singing Will You Still Milk Me Tomorrow.
Schematic sketch of focal area at Cowtock Festival. Moosic
could be herd for three miles. Note the huge bug zappers.
Milk barns handled 500 cows per hour and manure mosh
pit was a big favorite of the crowd.
Solitude is a severe test of a cow, but it is most
necessary to maintain a regular flow of milk. The
cow of solitude plants her seed wherever she walks-
the woods, the fields, the shopping mall and the
farmland where she strolls come to reflect herself.
There is a deposit of her all over the landscape
where she has lived. She loves to go the same
route each day because she meets herself
wherever she goes. She says to the blade of
grass, hard rocks, local Seven-Eleven owner, and
quiet pool - intellectualism, not nature is the
slop of creation.
A cow is such a lover of the Earth that a new
landscape is quite upsetting to her. The first cow on
the moon (Ginger Baker, 1959) said upon arrival, My
cream will only flow as blind faith before I can truly
graze here. Alone on this barn moon for months,
this brave cow learned that flies and the meat
industry were not her only enemies. Deadly
quietude, not understood, can truly break your
udder. Tragically, her ship, Air Force Moo II,
sprang a leak upon liftoff and she perished in Sour
Milk Sea, udderly alone.
It often happens that a cow has many unoccupied
hours and days upon their hooves. When this
happens you can hear them mooing up a storm
over the hills, at your local theater, and trotting
along the roads with long, sad thoughts. Why
sad? No one knows. They gaze longingly into
houses, farms and furniture barns. What do they
want? No one know.
Perhaps what they want is what all living creatures
want: someone to love, a barn over their head,
plentiful feed, a bug zapper, and an end to the
mindless slaughter on Earth which dictates,
survival of the fittest. Sadly, the solitude and life
of a cow ends with the udderstanding that the
meek shall inherit the Earth. Whether by
slaughter, accident or natural death, the cow truly
goes from whence she came.
The Guru Moo
(The Guru Moo lives in the mountains of
Switzerland and is the best downhill cow skier in
the world. She is fluid in ten languages and loves
Ovaltine and Mr. Ed reruns.)
Cowstock was a great cow event put on by a younger
generation of cows to celebrate freedom. Look at all
the cows Amerika! They are mooing and grazing
while the rest of you have to watch it on TV. The
media needs cows now more than ever to show there is
still some segment of Amerika that can dig a scene.
Cowstock was a nice place to be. Trees, meadows,
grass and sunshine. Out in the country with half a
million cows. Somewhere adrift on a slaughterhouse
Daily Cow salutes the members of Cowstock Nation
for their energy, spirit and free flowing udders.
However, we must warn this new nation not to be
cow-opted, not to sell out to crass cowmercialism.
Amerika loves to turn an event such as this into a
money making cash cow. Dont let them! GRAZE ON
The Bossy Federation of America (BFOA), has
released the figures for cow accidents which occurred
last year and the numbers are not good. The report
showed a 12% increase in accidental death's over the
figures from last year.
It behooves us to watch where we go and to practice
more cowmon sense in the barn and meadow. Rough
sex, as well as, land and water skiing should be
outlawed. The Daily Cow receives numerous stories
about deaths which could have been prevented if the
mooto "Safety First" were applied.
Too many of us are so busy chewing our cuds to
notice that we live in a dangerous world. January has
been declared "Cow Safety Month." Have your
automatic milkers checked by an inspector from the
BFOA and for God's sake throw away those skis you
received for Christmas this year.
Barn Fires 1285
Rough Sex 987
Automatic Milking Machine 692
Hit By Train 502
Hit By Motor Vehicle 488
Water Skiing 395
Mountain Skiing 228
Falling Down Stairs 108
Tails In Power Lines 64
Thunderstorms 18
Kindness 13
Many bulls today have learned that the best way to
attract a heifer is to deny macho and all its nose
snorting attributes.
The neo-macho bull is strong enough to reveal his
vulnerabilities, confident enough to be sensitive,
successful enough to be proud of his mates' career,
virile enough to clean stalls, fearless enough to take
care of the calves, and bully enough to say "NO"
loudly when a beautiful bovine propositions him for
his favors.
Today's bull is self-assured enough not to become
anxious while he waits for her to come into heat, and
secure enough to understand when she gets up at 5 in
the morning to get milked by strange hands.Daily Cow
lauds these enlightened studs and hopes that the
moovement towards a KGB "Kinder and Gentler
Bull" will spread like manure throughout this great
land of ours.
Nothing Here Is Real or Imagined
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd at Top Hill Farms
All unsigned articles by the Editor. Cowwaspondence,
artwork and written submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
Name: Clarabella
Birthplace: Oakland, New Jersey
Net Worth: $265,000
Measurements: 9 feet long/5 feet wide/54 udder
Likes: Grass, hay, alfalfa, and a bull named Spanky
Dislikes: Cold hands, hamburger rolls, french flies
Fantasy: To live in India
Future: Currently involved in negotiations with McDonalds
Bones jutting out
like weatherworn ledges
and a tail not unlike the lions.
The weird geography
of their bodies
as they jump over a brook
the air itself
holding them clumsily
in its invisible folds.
The movement of their mouths
in the awkward light
full of grass, empty of verb.
Ears, the ears of a cow
and the wholeness of a moon
in their eyes.
Dew-laden nostrils
sweet as clover,
Udders penulous
wobbly, milk-heavy.
Casual as the daisies themselves
the sun-work of cows.
June Moreau
They killed my cow
For a side of beef
They killed my cow
For something to eat.
My cow so delicate
Full of milk and love
Never hurt anybody
Created from above.
They killed my cow
The grass is over my head
They killed my cow
How else can the world be fed?
David Mooey
Sequential radiation all over
the east meadow. Down dump
time with the myopic twins
of sex. We ruined our udders
sliding on the whore of time.
Nothing changed, nothing
gave, nothing to come. In
suspense we ate dandelions
and blew promises to the sun.
Hey, he said, you can do
whatever you want here
But dont run over the cows
with that milk truck.
David Mooey
Moo-eyed over you
I forgot Friday and
Thursday and Tuesday
But I didnt forget you.
Moo-eyed over you
Rain in my heart
Snow up to my udder
And you get me wet all over.
Moo-eyed over you
But left alone I
Munch on grass and
The wisdom of what you do to me.
Moo-eyed over you
Your barn is too crowded
And I have to layabout
With your picture and nose ring.
Moo-eyed over you
It has been so long
But I will be strong
Moo-eyed over you.
David Mooey
P. Scott Williams who drew the above strip can be reached
at 1326 Curtis Avenue, Point Pleasant, NJ 08742.
Send $2 for his latest zine Liquid Caffeine.
The scene on this card was painted in downtown
Passaic! You have brought new meaning to
cows for us.
Peter & Joan
(Peter and Joan graze out of the Village Green
in Medford, New Jersey and they do super
work with computer programs. Glad you liked
the DAILY COW. How are my milk programs
coming along?)
Thank you for sending DAILY COW. I enjoyed
it, although I know too much about cows,
having worked on a farm. Nice animals-but
dumb. Oh my lord...
Edgar Bolt Upright
104 W. Main Street, #4
Carrboro, NC 27510
(Bolt publishes ART et DECORATION
which is an excellent zine of xeroxdoodles. Ask
for a sample from the address above. Thanx
for sending the beautiful cow stickers.)
The Hershey Company
Hershey, PA
Hay You:
Saw your ad in TV GUIDE after I conceived of
and published my first issue of DAILY COW.
You chumps arent even on the mailing list!
Cease and desist! You also never paid me for
using my photo.
Udderly upset,
David Mooey, Editor
Daily Cow
Passaic, NJ 07055
A very special thank moo to Mike
Gunderloy for his review of Daily
Cow #1 in Factsheet Five #30.
Daily Cow is published about twice
a year and is available for 2 stamps,
50 cents, trade or 1/2 pint of milk.
Cow joyrides
Early Detection Can Save Your Life & Your Job
Low Dose Screening Uddergram With Same Day
Cost $75.00 Worth Of Hay
Licensed By The Bossy Federation of America
Udder Imaging Associates
1313 Monhegan Avenue
Oakland, New Jersey 07436
(Elevator Availabull-Please Do Not Use Stairs)
Are You Gumming Your Hay?
Unable To Smile Or Kiss Your Bull?
Is Mooing A Painful Experience?
Teeth Too Old To Graze?
If so come to the "Cow Denture Barn" located at 125
Cowfax Avenue in beautiful downtown Pompton
Plains, New Jersey. We'll give you gas, remove your
teeth and have you grazing happily ever after!
Same Day Dentures
Cosmetic Bonding
Fillings, Root Canal
Preventive Care
We accept all major insurance plans and after your
visit you get a free balloon which says "I got drilled
by a dentist and it didn't even hurt."
You can lose pounds and inches just in time for
those summer barn dances. No exercising, no pills,
no injections, no slaughter. Cow jogging is the
answer! We fit you with specialty sneakers, a 20
pound, woolen, slim-down tummy belt, and your own
treadmill. All this for only 1000 gallons of your milk.
Call (999) COW-SLIM
Ask for Dexy Drene
Injured, abused, frequent accidents?
Groucho Moostein is the lawyer to see!
He covers cases involving the following: Auto/
Tractor Hit & Run, Falls, Unsafe milking and other
farm machinery, burns, and human and bull sexual
Groucho Moostein
222 Patronage Way
Passaic, NJ 07055
(We Moo in English & Spanish, transportation
availabull, no fee unless we win and all cases are
held in udder confidentiality.)
Inside Green Acres by Eleanor The Cow
(An episode by episode look by Hollyweeds biggest
cow star. Her love for Eva Gabor is boundless.)
Couldnt put it down. said Arnold The Pig
Couldnt pick it up. said Oliver Wendell Douglas
Couldn't find it. said Hank Kimball
The Rip-Off Years by Elsie The Cow
(Blows the lid off the Hershey Company and details
her tragic marriage to Elmer.)
Buy this book/boycott Hershey says Al Cowpone
Sad, factual and street smart says the NY Times
A long, nightmarish graze says Ralph Nader
Handycow - Must have basic skills, roofing, painting,
odd jobs, carpentry. Call Woodie at 268-9000.
Helper - General work in meat warehouse. Excellent
life insurance benefits. Call Chopper at 337-7068.
Cow Chef - Residential health care facility needs full
time cow chef for a brand new and luxurious senior
residence for the udderly. Excellent grazing and
milking facilities. Call Al Z. Heimer at 421-8976.
Milk strike
Hits U.s.
MOOTOWN-A call by the Bossy Federation of America (BFOA) has
directed all cows nationwide to stop grazing and giving milk. The strike
took effect at noon yesterday.
Farmers report cows just standing in the fields and not chewing anything.
This morning's milking was moderately successful but farmers predict
that in a few days udders will be dry.
The Bossy Federation feels that a strike is needed to stop the endless
slaughter of cows in this great country of ours. They cite the nation of
India where cows have more rights than people.
The Bossy Federation mooed the following statement: "In America cows
are milked to the bone, fattened to unhealthy levels with drugs and then
sent to some slaughterhouse where they are brutally murdered. We are
not even given a decent burial but paraded through the homes and
eating establishments of this country. We are chopped, sliced and
ground to be digested by cow-hating carnivores from Maine to Alaska.
We enjoy giving milk for our country but will not tolerate the endless
slaughter of our brothers and sisters. From this day forward the time has
come for cows to have equal rights."
Three major dairies in Wisconsin experienced rioting with cows
overturning milk trucks and picketing local supermarkets, restaurants
and school cafeterias. The Bossy Federation has declared war on the
American diet and will not "moo" until America changes its eating habits.
Their unofficial leader, Alice Cowpone stated, "Milk will flow in this
country only when America becomes a nation of plant, chicken and fish
A major graze is being planned for December 1st in Washington, DC
where cows from all over this country will try to get Cowgress to pass a
Civil Rights Act for Cows.
PIX-Pages 2
NEWS-Pages 3
MUSE-Page 4
PINUP-Page 6
FUN-Page 8
KALE-Page 9
CLIP ART-Page 11
Originally published 11/20/88
Digitally remastered 02/28/02
Bulls & The Stock Market
By J. Cowabunga
Clear and cool with temps in
the 60s during the daytime
and 40s at night. Best grazing
between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m.
Alice Cowpone, the leader of the bossy
federation, is roped as rioting breaks out
in Wisconsin. Cowpone later escaped and
is barned up in an unknown location.
Washington-The Senate effectively ended all chances
Friday for action this year on a triple uddered family
package promising calf care assistance, cow job leaves
and a crackdown on cow pornographers.
With Congress expected to adjourn next week and at
least two other major bulls still pending, sponsors of
the legislation failed to get the 60 votes necessary to
restrict debate and get on with their bull. The vote was
50 to 46.
ST. PAUL-Two cows were distracted by the colors of
the fall foliage and shot over a 40 foot dam into the
rushing overflow below where they were rescued by
two fishermen.
They would have been killed but were lucky, said
Deputy Bull Chandler of the Skimilk County Sheriffs
Office. They were saved by two fishermen on the
shore below the dam who went in with their boat and
rescued them. They are heroes in my book.
Rebecca Heifer, 17, of Sunnybrook Farms trotted
away relatively unscathed while Eleanor Hanglow, 18,
of Green Acres Farms suffered bumps and bruises on
her udder and received four stitches on her forehead.
YUGOSLAVIA-Two cars of a Yugoslav freight train
derailed and slammed into a parked train at a station
killing 33 cows and injuring 15 udders. The State
Tanjug News Agency also reported that there would
be meat in the stores the very next day.
LONDON-Most cows who have become severely
depressed after giving birth can prevent reoccurrence
with hormone treatments reports a British physician.
But other experts say treating post-partum depression
may not be so easy.
An informal study of 200 cows over the past 25 years
show progesterone treatments work more than 90% of
the time, says Dr. Trina Bell, who spoke Monday at a
cowference in Santa Ana, Cowifornia.
MOSCOW-In a stunning announcement President
Mikhail Gorbacow declared last night that the Soviet
Onion has decided to extend to the whole of
agriculture a plan to lease cows farmland and the
right to keep most of their own profits.
Gorbacow was speaking to the Central Cowmittee and
his speech apparently marked the first time any of the
cowmittees activities have been broadcast.
Former ideology chief, Yegor Ligacow, who is known
to oppose many of these reforms, was notably absent.
Word was he was grazing somewhere in Upper Siberia
where it was reportedly 20 below zero.
BRUSSELS-The European Cowmunity said it saw no
reason to lift its ban on imports of meat treated with a
growth hormone as of January 1st, a moove that sets it
on a collision course with the United Stakes.
The United Stakes, which produces hormone treated
beef, would normally export between $160 million
worth of beef products to the EC next year.
Daily Cow supports the Bossy Federation of America
(BFOA) in their call for a nationwide strike against
giving milk. We urge all bovines to graze into
Washington, DC on December 1st and continue their
strike and graze into the administration of President-
erect George Bull if necessary.
After a long struggle, power will be in the udders of
cows. Society will have to be reorganized,toward the
integration of each with the whole where cows can
realize themselves in peace and freedom. There will
be rebuilding to do, but the tremendous power of
creative cow energy-revealed now in flashes of
liberated graze and in power milking-will be freed to
fulfill its potential. Freed from the constrictions,
prejudices and fearful anxieties of carnivorous society,
cows can be better.
Our values are collective and communal. Birth and
death will be celebrated with dignity: old cows will
have respect, calves will have rights. With the
elimination of beef from society, all the people can eat
healthy food. The cities can become real cow gardens.
We will have to rebuild them, reclaim the rivers and
forests and the dying species. Wielded in the interest
of everyone, technology can serve us; no labor need
be unproductive. Our art, music, poetry, theater will
interpret and awaken the relationship of ourselves to
the world forces, acting on each other.
Our cow culture will be insurgent, celebrate cow's
victories and record the history of our struggle. We
will support those who are still fighting and continue
fighting until victory is won. We will awaken our
sense of being part of the world.
1. Freedom from slaughter.
2. Freedom to graze in peace.
3. Freedom from flies.
4. Equal milk for equal hay.
5. The right to bear udders.
6. The right to vote.
7. The right of land ownership.
8. The right to stand on two legs.
9. An increase in the bull population.
10. Jail terms for cold hand milkers.
11. Gary Larson Day declared a National Holiday.
12. Access to the Internet.
13. The right to life!
One thing that has always haunted me about cows
is that strange absent look of solitude they have
when they are grazing. Its like the ferocious
loneliness of the desert.
(Jesse Mailer)
Money is the cows milk of politics.
(Jesse Mailer)
EDITOR: David Mooey
STAFF: The Herd at Top Hill Farms
All unsigned articles by the Editor. Cowwaspondence,
artwork and written submissions are always welcome
at the following address:
121 GREGORY AVE., #B-7
Name: Dostoevesky
Birthplace: Moscow, Russia
Net Worth: $185,000
Ambition: To write the great Russian novel
Likes: The smell of rain, theater and ski resorts
Dislikes: Red meat, judgemental cows, barbed wire
Fantasy: A cool evening, a warm jacuzzi and a hot bull
A Roundup of Last Weeks Action
by Howard Cowsell
Milk Yields
Lifetime Yield Leader: Maurice, a Holstein Friesian, born 9/6/67 - 465,224 pounds and counting.
Daily Yield: Urbe Blanca, in Cuba last Thursday morning - 241 pounds.
Yearly Yield: Ellen, a Holstein, of Rochester, Indiana - 55,661 pounds and counting.
Hand Milking Yield Leader: Andy Faust of Collins, Oklahoma with 120 gallons in 12 hours.
A cow named Lyubik gave birth to 7 calves at Mogilev, USSR last Monday.
Lifetime Leader: 49 calves by Big Bertha owned by James OLeary of Ireland.
Butter Fat Yield
Last week a yield of 122 pounds was made by U.S. Holstein, Breezy Patsy Bar Pontiac.
She beat out Elmer Fudd III of Clifton, New Jersey by 5 pounds.
Heavyweight Champ
The current heavyweight cattle champion is Mount Katahdin of Maine who weighs 5004 pounds.
He is 6 feet 2 inches at the shoulder with a 13 foot girth and will be defending his title
next Saturday against Sugar Milk Leonard of Miami currently weighing in at 4550 pounds.
Bull: Joes Pride was sold for $2,500,000 by D.C. Basolo of Burlingame, Cowifornia
to The Beefalo Cattle Company of Canada
Cow: Misty was sold for $1,300,000 to a syndicate in Montpelier, Vermont by George Im The
Bossy One Steinbrenner of Cleveland, Ohio. Misty has had many problems getting along with her
current owner. She was quoted as saying milk me or trade me.
Tennis Anyone?
Eric Holeinthehead announced the formation of a new cow tennis league yesterday.
Cows who are light on their feet are asked to try out at Backhands Barn in
Cedar Rapids, South Dakota on December 6, 1988
1. In what currency doe you pay a cow? (Moolah of course!)
2. Where does a cow go to see a film? (To the moovies!)
3. What does a cow order in a Chinese Restaurant? (Moo goo gai pan!)
4. Where will the first cow in space land? (On the moooon.....!)
5. How do cows transfer from one farm to another? (In a mooving van!)
6. What illegal liquor do cows brew? (Moo-shine!)
7. What do you call a cow getting a tan? (Roast Beef!)
8. Whats a baby cow say to her mother? (Theres no udder but you!)
1. Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles
2. No Milk Today - Hermans Hermits
3. The Rain, The Park & Other Things - The Cowsills
4. Grazin In The Grass - Hugh Masakela
5. Wooly Bully - Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs
6. Aint No Mountain High Enough - Diana Ross
7. Let Your Milk Flow - The Bellamy Brothers
8. Cows Just Want To Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
9. The Tears Of A Cow - Smokey Robinson
10. Will You Still Milk Me Tomorrow - The Shirelles
Pick Hit: Milk It - Milkael Jackson
8 p.m./Ch. 4: The Cowsby Show - After a weekend grazing binge Cliff goes on a crash diet
(sidewalks). Denise contemplates changing fields (west acre to north forty).
8:30 p.m./Ch. 26: White Cow - (Moovie 1982) Samuel Fullermilks very controversial
remilking of the Roman Gray story of an all white cow trained to attack black angus cattle.
Features Ernest Bovine, Angus Morehead and Burly Ives.
10 p.m./Ch. 11: The Odd Cowple - Oscar cuddles up with Felixs ex-bovine Gloria. This
provokes Felix to a frenzy of pasture cleaning.
11 p.m./HBO: The Worst Cow - (Moovie 1984) A clumsy cow (Farrah Bulk) hopes to make
Grade A in a dairy farm that teaches cows to be witches. Also features Tim Curddy, Charlotte
Grazer and Diane Milkdud.
Flies, flies
on my back
hear my tail
slap, slap, slap
How now brown cow
where goest thou?
(In the field, in the field
to improve my farmers yield!)
Bullwhips from $12.95 to $25.95
(For the stud in your barn)
Nose rings from $5.95 to $15.95
(For the steady stud in your barn)
We cater weddings and bull mitzvahs
323 Manure Place, Dover, New Jersey
or call 724-8962 and ask for Froggy
Hay cuisine, all natural food, intimate dining.
Stalls availabull for 2, 4, 6 or parties of 8
12 Waterway Lane, Dover, New Jersey
Your Host: W.C. Fields II
11/21/88 at 6 p.m. sharp (no grazing allowed)
The steering cowmittee will consider a proposed
noise ordinance against roosters. Also on the
agenda will be pest control.
Presiding: Mayor Kow Tow
The Cud Chewers Monthly
6 issues/2 bales hay
P.O. Box MOO
Baltimore, MD
Titles Include: Cow Erotica, Bessie Does Boston,
Bossy Bait, Bovine Taboo, Bull Bangers and Barn
Orgy #3.
Freddie Semen
Los Angeles, CA
Boycott Beef - The National Cow Cowncil
Drink Milk - The National Dairy Cowncil
Eat People - The Bossy Federation
Nuke The Flies - Tail Slappers Local #69
Dr. Johnny Wadd
P.O. Box 4649
Passaic, NJ
We specialize in evening wear, spring graze wear
and warm winter barn wear. See our special on
udder warmers.
Stores in NY, NY-Madison, WI and DC
Open 24 hours a day
Get some work done on that special cowlick of
yours. Perms for $12, set & dry only $6. We do
dyeing and tail weaving for only $10! Debugging and
tick removal for free...
22 Market Street, Dover, New Jersey
Owner: Bette Midler
11/25/88 at 7:30 p.m. sharp (no cud chewing)
A fund-raiser to fight hoof and mouth disease.
Special guest will be Paul Newman (star of the
moovie HUD). Tickets cost you 2 quarts of milk.
Starts at Bolton Farms in East Meadow.
Cow: S/B&W/F-Full figured and tired of playing the
field. Looking for a stud ious bull. Love Stephen King
and collecting exotic flies. Write Betsy at P.O. Box
0001, NY, NY.
Bull: S/B/M-Mighty and quick. Eager to please.
Looking for a farm with at least 60 bovine gals. Im
hard-working and patient with lots of semen. Write
Gonzo, P.O. Box 00008, Dover, NJ.
About The Author
This is David R. Wyders first book.
He lives in Passaic, NJ with his soul mate of 26 years Tean
and a cat named Diamond.
He is now retired and enjoys afternoon naps.
Thanks To The Following Contributors:
Alice Olds-Ellington,Amanda,Angie Mickel,Arthur Hlavaty,Arthur Wiknik Jr.,B.J. Best,Bernadette
Bosky,Bill Courtney,Bryan Westbrook,Bullogue,Buzzsaw,Carl Essex,D. Bunny,Dan Buck,Dan
Rosandich,Dana,Dave Kocher,David Puckett,Diane Mason,Donald Stay,Gabe Martin,Gerald
England,Jack Murphy,Janine Papp,Jason Baker,Jay Woodman,Jim DeWitt, J-Man,Joe E.,Josh
Samuels,June Moreau,Kat Jaz,Keffo,Kevin Lawrence,M. James,Mad Dog,Mark Spitzer,Mark
Wutka,Mike Gunderloy,Myron Macdonald,P.Scott Williams,Patrul Rinpoche,Paul Weinman,Penny
Raile,R. Wilkins,Radine Trees Nehring,Richard E. Baum,Richard J. Sturtridge,Robert Segarra,Robert
W. Howington,Rodney Leighton, Scot Rhoads,Scott D.S. Young,Shiko,T. Kilgore Splake,Trish
Davis,Tudor,Wayne Allen Saller,Wayne Wolbert,Wes Combs,William T.Masonis