EVERY WOMANS BATTLE Lesson 2 A New Look At Sexual Integrity

In your dating relationships, where did you believe the line of sexual integrity to be?
How far was it ok to go prior to marriage?
Where did this belief come from?
If you ever crossed that imaginary line, were you able to back up and reestablish your
standards?
Janet, in her midthirties, has had numerous lunch meetings over the past few years with
her good friend Dave, a coworker in an architectural firm. Dave is married, but he doesnt talk
much about his wife, which leads Janet to wonder if his marriage will last. Dave and Janets
boss asked their work team to participate in a continuing education conference in Minneapolis,
but when Janet realized that they were the only two members of the group who were able to
attend the conference, she began stepping through an emotional minefield. Janet confesses:
keep imagining Dave and me sitting ne!t to each other on the plane, stirring each
other intellectually like our conversations always do. imagine his hotel room being
right down the hall from mine and how he might walk me to my door and decide to come
in so we can continue our conversation. "e talk until all hours of the night, and then
when he hugs me good#bye like he always does, feel his body hesitate as he tries to pull
away. f he is as attracted to me as am to him, my fear $or hope% is that this is what will
really happen. f he gets weak, m almost sure ll succumb to whatever he wants to do.
know probably shouldnt go on this trip at all with these ideas in my head, but cant
imagine not going, either.
&as Janet crossed the line when it comes to se!ual integrity'
(ellys secret has been eating her alive for over ten years:
)s a freshman in college, began dating *am, an older man who was far more
se!ually e!perienced than was. fell head over heels in love with him, and within a few
months, we were sleeping together. "ithin a year, we were living together. +hat was
when stumbled upon his vast array of D,Ds hidden on the top shelf of his closet. m
embarrassed to say that at the time, wasnt offended by his pornography collection, but
curious. began watching the D,Ds with him, -ust to see what was on them. t wasnt
long until was asking to watch particular ones while we were having se! together.
dont understand why, but the ones that really turned me on were the ones that included
a threesome $ a guy and two girls% or the ones that had two women together.
.ven after *am and broke up, asked him if could keep the couple of videos that
were my favorites. masturbated to them over and over, but when got married to a
/hristian man who knew wouldnt approve of them, threw them away. +hats been
years ago, but ve never been able to get these images out of my mind. .ven though my
husband is a good lover, think about all those old scenes when m trying to orgasm -ust

because that is what really seems to do it for me. would never actually want to be with a
woman in real life, so dont understand why these fantasies are such a big part of my
se! life. m afraid if my husband knew about them, hed think he married a lesbian.
&as (elly crossed the line when it comes to se!ual integrity'
n her midforties, /aroline confesses that her biggest battle in life has been not to
compare herself to others. n the womens locker room, /aroline finds herself comparing the
size of her waist and hips, the firmness of her breasts, and the amount of 0cottage cheese1 in
her thighs with each passerby. 0f am changing clothes in the presence of a larger woman,
feel lean and powerfully pretty. 2ut let a skinny#minny walk in, and do a double take at the
image staring back at me in the mirror and think, 3uck41
5nfortunately this comparison trap not only affects /arolines self#esteem, but has
carried over into her marriage of si!teen years as well. )lthough she describes their
relationship as 0okay,1 /oroline also admits:
*ometimes -ust wish "endel could be more like some of our friends. love the
way 2ill can always make me laugh6 "endel wouldnt know a -oke if it bit him. 2ob is so
handy with tools and builds all kinds of neat things for their house6 "endel couldnt
build a birdhouse if his life depended on it. 7arry is so attentive to his wife, always
bringing her flowers or taking her on getaway weekends6 "endels idea of a date is
sitting in the same room to watch "heel of 8ortune together. f he were a little more
entertaining to be with, might feel more like being intimate with him, but its hard to get
e!cited when this is as good as it gets.
&as /aroline crossed the line of se!ual integrity'
Many would say that Janet, (elly, and /aroline have not yet crossed the se!ual integrity line
simply because they have stopped short of se!ual intercourse outside of marriage. 2ut
disagree.
!o be a person of integrity means that you are undivided " that all parts of your life line
up with the other parts# $ woman of sexual integrity is free to en%oy the excitement and fun of a
romantic relationship without all the worry that compromise brings into our lives# &ompromise
is the opposite of integrity#
'o if you want to live a life of sexual integrity, you will be undivided in your devotion to
sexual purity, refusing to be controlled by your sexual passions# When you exercise self(control,
you will be free to share yourself completely with your husband in a passionate sexual
relationship without the scars and emotional baggage that can come with compromise# )ust
think how much your husband will love that you saved your sexual pleasures especially for him
and that you can love him with reckless abandon, not %ust with your body, but also your mind,
heart, and soul#
*
!o better understand the meaning of sexual integrity, think of your sexuality as a table#
)ust as a table is made of four legs that give it balance, our sexuality is also made of four
distinct things that bring balance to our lives# If one of the legs of the table is missing or broken,
the table easily looses its balance and becomes a slide instead#
It+s no laughing matter when one of the legs of your sexuality buckles, because then your
life can become a slippery slope leading to discontentment, sexual compromise, self(loathing,
and emotional brokenness# When this happens, ,od+s blessing, intended to bring richness and
pleasure to your life, feels more like a curse that brings great pain and despair#
$s I mentioned, your sexuality is comprised of four distinct aspects- the physical, mental,
emotional, and spiritual dimensions of you being# !hese four parts combine to form the uni.ue
individual ,od designed you to be# $gain, your sexuality isn+t what you do# /our sexuality is
who you are, and you are made with a body, mind, heart, and spirit, not %ust a body# 'o, sexual
integrity is not %ust about remaining physically abstinent# It is about purity in all four aspects of
your being " body, mind, heart, and spirit# When all four aspects line up perfectly, your table
or sexuality reflects balance and integrity#
01! 0I&!123 45 !$673 H323
8any young women would call themselves sexually pure simply because they+ve never
had sexual intercourse or because they+ve never let a guy go beyond their panty line# $re they
correct? &onsider these .uestions-
0erhaps you have never kissed a boy, but you look at pornography, read steamy
romance novels, or listen to sexually suggestive music and mentally fantasi9e about
fooling around or going all the way with someone you are not married to# &an you
honestly say that you are living a life of sexual integrity? :!his is an example of
mental compromise#;
0erhaps you are a physical virgin but have repeatedly used guys to try to get the
affirmation you crave# &an it be said that you are living a life of sexual integrity?
:!his is an example of emotional compromise#;
0erhaps you have promised yourself to stay a virgin until you are married, but the
only reason you go to youth group is to scope out the cute guys, not to know ,od
better# &an you sincerely say you have you priorities straight? :!his is an example of
spiritual compromise#;
8aybe you+ve never had intercourse, but you+ve allowed a guy to put his had up you
shirt or you+ve put your hand down a guys pants# &an you honestly say that you are
still sexually pure? :!his is an example of physical compromise#;
<
Have there ever been seasons of your life when you focused a great deal on one of these
aspects :physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual;, but completely neglected another one? 7et
me show you what I mean-
Nicole, a lawyer, has been doing research for months on a big case she is litigating
but has made little time for sociali9ing, exercising, or spending .uality time with her
husband# : =icole is over feeding the mental aspect while starving the emotional and
physical#;
Michelle spends a great deal of time volunteering at the church, teaching women+s
6ible studies, and serving on the intercessory prayer team, but she has little interest in
having sex with her husband# :8ichelle is over feeding the spiritual while neglecting the
physical#;
Ann masturbates often, and sex usually becomes a part of her dating relationships#
$s a result, her guilt keeps her from attending church regularly or reading her 6ible#
:$nn is overfeeding the physical while starving the spiritual#;
Theresa fre.uently compares her husband to other men, which not only leads her
to fantasi9e about these other men+s showing an interest in her, but also causes her to
resist her husband+s advances due to the disillusionment and disappointment she feels#
:!heresa is overfeeding the mental and emotional with false, fantasi9ed sense of
intimacy " which is actually the e.uivalent to neglecting it " as well as neglecting the
physical#;
If reading about tabletop sexuality and the need for perfect balance between the physical,
mental, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of our being made you feel uneasy or convicted
you, I encourage you to make a covenant# >I made a covenant with mine eyes? why then should
I think upon a maid?> :o! "#$#;
We need to make a covenant with the eyes of our hearts not to look at other people :real
or imagined; to fulfill our emotional needs and desires in ways that compromise our sexual
integrity, whether we are married or single#
In discussing sexual integrity, most women want a list of dos and don+ts, cans and can+ts,
shoulds and shouldn+ts# !hey want to know- What can I get away with? How far can I go?
What+s too far?
!he problem with these .uestions is that they are based on what is culturally and socially
acceptable, which changes from place to place and from decade to decade# In our culture we see
nothing wrong with having close friends of the opposite sex# However, in biblical times a
woman couldn+t remove the veil from her face for anyone other than her husband# In the
Western world, women often go out of their way to get a man+s attention# In the 8iddle 3astern
countries, women walk several paces behind the men and try to go unnoticed# !oday $merican
and 3uropean women want to know how short their skirts, shorts, or tops can be, but it wasn+t
that long ago that the issue of open(toed shoes was creating .uite the scandal among &hristians@
A
!herefore, a list of laws about what women of integrity can and can+t wear, should and
shouldn+t do and say, and so on, isn+t the answer# What we need is a standard of sexual integrity
that will withstand the test of time as well as apply to all women of all cultures#
!his was explained when )esus responded to the .uestion, Which is the greatest
commandment? >)esus said unto him, !hou shalt lo%e the 7ord thy ,od with all thy heart, and
with all thy soul, and with all thy min&# B<CD !his is the first and great commandment# B<ED
$nd the second is like unto it, !hou shalt lo%e thy nei'h!our as thyself# BAFD 4n these two
commandments hang all the law and the prophets#> :Matthe( ))$"*+,-;
)esus was saying that the law isn+t what is important# 7ove is what is important# If we
love ,od, love our neighbor, and love ourselves :in that order; )4/, then we can live far above
any set of rules or regulations# We have freedom to live apart from any legalistic standards
when we live by the spirit of love# 0aul echoed this form of freedom with responsibility when
he wrote- >$ll things are la(.ul for me, but all things are not e/pe&ient- all things are lawful
for me, but all things e&i.y not# B*AD 7et no man seek his own, but every man another0s
wealth#> :# 1orinthians #-$)"+),;
0aul was saying that you can do most anything, but it isn+t always in your best interest or
in the interest of others# 5ocus not on what is allowed, but on what is best for all involved#
How can we apply this freedom to sexual integrity? 0ick any issue and sift it through this law
vs# love filter-
While it is lawful for a married woman to flirt with a man, is it a truly loving thing
to do? While it is lawful for a single woman to flirt with a married man, is it the loving
thing to do? :Will it benefit him in a righteous way?;
Go our thoughts seek the highest good for others, or do they serve our own
dysfunctional needs and emotional cravings?
!here is no law against flattering clothes, but is your motive in wearing them to build
others up or to build up your own ego by turning a guy+s head?
We have freedom of speech in this country, but are the things you say to guys in their
best interest or are your words merely a tool to manipulate them into giving you the
attention you crave?
!he 6ible doesn+t prohibit passionate kissing, but is it a loving thing to do to get a
guy+s %uices flowing :not to mention your own;, awakening sexual desires that
shouldn+t be satisfied outside of marriage?
We must look beyond the movements to the motivations behind our actions# 6y doing
this, we not longer have to concern ourselves with the law because we are acting by a higher
standard, a standard of love#
We are each held accountable by ,od for what we know to do# If we want to gain the
pri9e of sexual integrity, we may need to let go of some of our freedoms :in dress, thoughts,
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speech, and behavior; in order to serve the best interest of others out of love# =ot only will ,od
provide this knowledge of how to act with integrity, He will also honor those who apply this
knowledge and act with responsibility#
7et+s put this all together# 5or a &hristian woman, sexual and emotional integrity means
that her thoughts, words, emotions, and actions all reflect an inner beauty and sincere love for
,od, others, and herself# !his doesn+t mean she is never tempted to think, say, feel, or do
something inappropriate, but that she tries diligently to resist these temptations and stands firm
in her convictions# 'he doesn+t use men in an attempt to get her emotional cravings met or
entertain sexual or romantic fantasies about men she is not married to# 'he doesn+t compare her
husband to other men, discounting his personal worth and withholding a part of herself from
him as punishment for his imperfections# 'he doesn+t dress to seek male attention, but she
doesn+t limit herself to a wardrobe of ankle(length muumuus, either# 'he may dress fashionably
and look sharp or may even appear sexy :like beauty, sexy is in the eye of the beholder;, but her
motivation isn+t self(seeking or seductive# 'he presents herself as an attractive woman because
she knows she represents ,od to others#
$ woman of integrity lives a life that lines up with her &hristian beliefs# 'he lives
according to the standard of love rather than law# 'he does not claim to be a follower of &hrist
yet disregard His many teachings on sexual immorality, lustful thoughts, immodest dress, and
inappropriate talk# /ou will live what you believe about ,od, and your beauty will shine from
the inside out# 5inally, you will have an incredible hope for your future marriage " that it will be
everything ,od intended for it to be, especially the passionate sexual relationship you and your
husband will be able to en%oy# !he 6ible says in # 1orinthians 2$)3+)*, >I therefore so run,
not as uncertainly? so fight I, not as one that beateth the air- B*ID 6ut I 4eep under my !o&y,
and bring it into su!5ection- lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself
should be a castaway#>
It is a matter of discipline andJor control#
67EST8ONS$
What insights did you gain about where the line between integrity and compromise
should be located?
:Isaiah A*-K(I; >I the 742G have called thee in righteousness, and will hold thine hand, and
will keep thee, and give thee for a covenant of the people, for a light of the ,entiles? BID !o
open the blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, and them that sit in darkness out
of the prison house#>
:0hilippians A-<; >I can do all things through &hrist which strengtheneth me#>
What effect does it have on you confidence level to know that ,od will hold your hand
and lead you from darkness into light?
K
:8atthew **-<I(AF; >)esus said unto him, !hou shalt love the 7ord thy ,od with all thy heart,
and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind# B<CD !his is the first and great commandment# B<ED
$nd the second is like unto it, !hou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself# BAFD 4n these two
commandments hang all the law and the prophets#>
How well does your life line up with these verses? What changes do you need to make in
order to fulfill these * commandments?
: &orinthians F-*<(*A; >$ll things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient- all
things are lawful for me, but all things edify not# B*AD 7et no man seek his own, but every man
anotherLs wealth#>
2ewrite this verse in your own words#
:8atthew I-*A(*I; >!herefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will
liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock- 9:;< $nd the rain descended, and
the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house? and it fell not- for it was
founded upon a rock# 9:=< $nd every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them
not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand- 9:>< $nd the rain
descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house? and it fell- and
great was the fall of it#>
67EST8ONS$
#9 What is the opposite o. inte'rity: ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
)9 Where do you think the line between sexual compromise and integrity lies?
"9 How would you explain this to a friend?MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
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,9 Is your life a slippery slope or a life of balance and integrity?
<9 Which legs of your sexuality are broken or breaking?
39 How can these areas of your life be repaired and strengthened? MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
*9 What benefits will be yours as a result of guarding you body, mind, heart, and spirit from
compromise?
=9 What concerns will you not have to worry about?
29 What kind of things can you look forward to? MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
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#-9Have you been under the impression that acting with complete integrity would make you a
boring girl who doesn+t have any fun?
##9How has this lesson changed your perception? MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
#)9What effect does it have on you confidence level to know that ,od will hold your hand and
lead you from darkness into light as in 8saiah ,)$3+* and >hilippians ,$#"? MMMMMMM
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:8sa ,)$3+*; >I the 742G have called thee in righteousness, and will hold thine hand, and will
keep thee, and give thee for a covenant of the people, for a light of the ,entiles? !o open the
blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, and them that sit in darkness out of the
prison house#>
:>hilip ,$#"; >I can do all things through &hrist which strengtheneth me#>
#"9How well does your life line up with Matthe( ))$"*+,-?
#,9What changes do you need to make in order to fulfill these * commandments? MMMMMMMMMM
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#<9>$ll things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient- all things are lawful for me,
but all things edify not# 7et no man seek his own, but every man anotherLs wealth#> :# 1or
#-$)"+),; Re(rite this %erse in your o(n (or&s sayin' (hat it means to you9 MMMMMMMM
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#392ewrite Matthe( *$),+)* so that it+s about a woman who is building a life of sexual
integrity rather than a house# $s you do, consider the kinds of sexual temptations that will
come against her and what will happen if she puts ,od+s words into practice# &onsider also
what will happen if she fails to put ,od+s words into practice# MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
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