How NOT to Leave a Church: Some Advice on How Christians Should Leave

Churches When the Lord Leads Them to Do So (by Pastor Brian Tubbs;
pastortubbs.com)

Serving as a pastor has been among the greatest joys and privileges in my life.
There are times, though, when it can be frustrating and even painful. Most pastors
will tell you that one of the greatest causes of personal pain is when members leave
the churches they serve. Pastors cant help but to take it somewhat personally,
because we are, biblically and practically speaking, the leaders of the church. And,
in many ways, the pastor is also the face of the church. Whats more, in smaller
churches, the pastor usually knows the families or individuals who leave. Quite
often, hes invested a lot of time into those families or individuals. For these
reasons, its tough when members leave and pastors cant help but be affected by
it.
Pastors of course must realize that members leaving is an inevitable part of
ministry. Floyd White, one of the founders of Fair Oaks Church (where I was
ordained) and a long-time deacon, has likened a church to a train. Some people
get on and some people get off, he says. But the train must keep going down the
tracks. It happens. If God Himself couldnt maintain perfect harmony in Heaven
(as was the case with Lucifer and a third of the angels) and Jesus couldnt hold
onto all of his disciples (see Judas and even, for a short time, Peter), then no pastor
should expect consistently unanimous and enthusiastic support from all of the
members of the church he serves as pastor. After all, we pastors are NOT Jesus.
We are sinners. We are imperfect. We make mistakes. We let people down. We
mess up. And, thus, quite often, when people leave, its our fault. Yet even if we
were perfect (which we arent), we would still lose people, because.wellso did
our Lord. Its the nature of the fallen world in which we live.
It isnt only painful for pastors, of course. Members also must deal with pain when
they leave a church. In many cases, theyve been a part of a church for decades
sometimes most (if not all) of their lives. And then something happens or a series
of somethings happen, and they find themselves leaving a church thats been
such an integral part of their life. Lets face it. When people leave a church, its
painful all around. The pastor can get hurt. Other leaders can be hurt. The
departing members can be hurt, and those members who remain can be hurt.
Sometimes, though, leaving is necessary, no matter how painful it might be. Paul
and Barnabas were close, devoted friends and partners in ministry. Yet there came
a point when they had to part ways. This was undoubtedly very painful to both of
them. But it would have been more painful for them to continue together in
ministry. Such was their sharp contention. They chose to part ways, so that each
could carry on the work of the Lord. As a result, theres every indication in
Scripture that their friendship endured. And its this example, I believe, to which
we should look when it comes time for us to make similar choices.
There are right ways and wrong ways to leave a church. I would like, in this article,
to list out what I believe are the wrong ways to leave. Ive broken this list down by
groups specifically group types. I offer this humbly and respectfully.
Bomb Throwers
These are the Christians who leave as loudly and as (metaphorically speaking)
violently as possible. They want to cause as much damage as they can on their
way out. I know of a pastor who, upon feeling led to leave the church he served,
chose to preach a scathing sermon to his congregation. He chastised them from the
pulpit for how they had (from his point of view) mistreated him, pointed out that
he was a gift to them, and then resigned effective immediately at the end of the
sermon. To make matters worse, he had made calls to various members ahead of
the sermon families he believed were supportive and asked them to leave the
church along with him. He caused a great deal of damage to the church on his way
out. While there may have been some merit to a few of his points, this was the
wrong way to leave. It isnt only pastors whove done this, however. I know of
members who left churches while furiously stirring up as much antagonism as they
possibly could against the pastor or the leadership or other families.
When weve been wronged (either in reality or via our perceptions), its seductive
to believe that were justified to exact revenge on those who have harmed us or
wronged us. But there are several problems with this line of thinking. First, we are
presuming that our perspective constitutes Absolute Truth. Many times, our
perceptions are NOT reality. We only know our side of things. This is why the
book of Proverbs warns us not to answer matters before we fully hear them, and
why our Lord tells us to go to our brother (and not 20 or 30 other people) when
weve been offended. But even if its true that weve been wronged, were still not
called to vengeance. Paul says that vengeance is the Lords. Its not ours. And
James warns that the wrath of man never brings the righteousness of God.
Godly people dont leave a ministry or a church tossing metaphorical hand
grenades at those they resent or those with whom they have a disagreement. Godly
people leave in a manner that reflects..wellGod. They dont commit slander or
gossip or engage in personal attacks. They leave with dignity and in the spirit of
love.
Pot-Stirrers
Closely related to the Bomb Thrower, the Pot-Stirrer is one who works more
behind the scenes and with sometimes (quite often actually) a smile on his or her
face. They dont throw bombs. They spread seeds of doubt, mistrust, unrest,
uncertainty, anxiety, and so forth. Whereas the Bomb Thrower will come right
out and tell you what he or she is thinking, the Pot-Stirrer would rather have
other people speak forthrightly. They want others to throw the bombs and cause
the trouble. Their tool of choice is manipulation. The effective pot-stirrers will
come off as super spiritual, even humble, making it appear that they are, in fact,
trying to protect the church and preserve unity. When, in fact, the pot-stirrer is
often the one initiating the conversations that lead to so much unrest in the first
place.
Our Lord says to let our yeas be yeas and our nays be nays. (At least thats what he
says in the King James Version ). As a pastor, I actually have more respect for a
bomb thrower than a behind-the-scenes manipulator. Read the Bible and all that it
says about how we are to conduct ourselves in the house of God. Youll never find
manipulation or stirring up the brethren as something we should engage in. On the
contrary, the sowing of discord among the brethren is identified in Proverbs as one
of the sins God hates the most.
The Magicians
Now you see menow you dont. One of the most famous magic acts around is,
of course, the disappearing act. Many Christians are masters at this. When they
leave a church, they dont want anyone to know. They simply want to disappear.
They dont want anyone to call them, check up on them, see how theyre doing.
They just want to disappear. This of course reflects a complete non-biblical
understanding of what church is all about. The Greek word behind the English
word church means assembly. To have a meaningful assembly, one
mustwellassemble. It astonishes me that many Christians want to sit on the
rolls and never come. They want to hold onto their official membership, but they
refuse to come. But thats for another article. Dont get me started on that. For this
blog post, Im talking about those church members who wish to simply fade
away from a church rather than formally resign their membership or make clear
their withdrawal from the fellowship and move on with their lives.
Some of you reading this may feel this isnt that big of a deal. And perhaps with a
larger church, its not. But with a small church (and thats been the majority of my
experience), this is a big deal. A good church is one made up of members who love
and care for one another, who support one another, and who pray for one another.
This entails everything from hospital visits, food assistance, prayer request lists,
Sunday school classes, counseling, and so forth. Im only scratching the surface.
When you leave such a church, you are removing yourself from that mutually
supportive community. The courteous thing to do is to make clear to the leaders
and your fellow members that you are, in fact, withdrawing from membership and
moving to a different church. People now know not to pester you for certain things
(like helping with volunteer ministries, programs, etc.) and not to expect you in
church. Otherwise, people start to wonder Wheres John? I havent seen him in a
while. Is he okay? And if you havent had the kindness and decency to let people
know youve left, youre leaving them with all kinds of curiosity as to why you
left. People start to wonder Was it something I said? or Did we not support
them enough? In some cases, people dont know whether to reach out, because
(frankly) the circumstances of some members departure is such that people have
no idea what minefield they may step in if they reach out. It is basic courtesy to
let (at least) the leadership of the church know when youve decided to move on.
And, in some cases, this gives the members the opportunity to give a proper, loving
send-off to the families who are leaving.
In a roundabout way, depending on how the Magicians leave, they can become
Pot-Stirrers. Silence is honestly, in some ways, a very effective tool to stir the
pot in a church. People wonder why a certain family left and, as the speculation
builds, peoples imaginations run wild. Sometimes, this is very intentional on the
part of the Magician. They want discord and uncertainty to spread.
Whatever your motives may be, if youve decided to leave a church, the courteous
and honest way to go is to tell the leadership that youre moving on. Make it clear
that you are actively looking for another church or that youre moving or that
youve already found another church or whatever your situation might be. Be
honest. Be up-front. The Bible says that sin loves darkness rather than light. Its
best that we operate within the light the light of love and honesty.
The Rear-View Mirror Drivers
Some Christians will leave a church, but not leave. These folks will get upset over
something and stop attending or change churches. In some cases, theyll be Pot-
Stirrers or Magicians or Bomb Throwers. But what makes this group distinct
is that theyre always looking back. They never quite leave. They will continue to
criticize the church theyve left or stay in contact with members from the church
with the sole or primary goal of trying to win them to their side in a conflict
thats very much in the past. (At least in the past for everyone else).
Let me give you a couple examples. My previous church (the one in which I was
ordained) has a reputation for (very) loud music. Many people left the church
because the music was too loud. Some of these people are undoubtedly still talking
about how loud the music is at the church even though theyve not been back at
the church for years! Heres a hint: If youve left a church and youre still
criticizing that church years later, then you need a new hobby. And youre a Rear
View Mirror Driver. Its time to move on. If you left a church for various reasons,
then stop criticizing the church for those reasons and move on.
Theres nothing in the Bible that encourages us to look in the rear view mirror.
Paul says he presses toward the mark and that he forgets those things which are
behind. Thats our model. If youve left a church, then move on. This isnt to say
that you shouldnt still love and pray for the people in your previous church. You
should. But you need to stop the criticism and stop living in the past. Its time to
move forward.
The Bitterness Bunch
These are the Christians who hold onto grudges, past hurts, and anger and never
let go. They may also be members of any of the above groups, but they belong in
this group too, if they continue to harbor anger or animosity over past wrongs or
past pain. These Christians refuse to soften their hearts and quite often refuse to
participate genuinely or honestly in any meaningful effort at reconciliation. They
are bitter. They are angry. And they are going to hold onto that bitterness and
angercome what may.
There are so many Bible verses that deal with this that I dont know where to start.
Time and again, the Word of God tells us to be humble, tenderhearted, kind,
forgiving, patient, etc. Yet, many of us refuse to obey God in this area. We feel that
were entitled to our anger. Thankfully, God showed a lot more love and grace to
us than many Christians show to each other.
If youre angry at people within your church, you need to follow Matthew 18 to
work that out. If that process fails, then you need to look to Paul and Barnabas as
your example and lovingly move on with your life. We will never experience full
justice and reconciliation in this world. We must accept this. We should do our
best, but realize that, sometimes, our best will not be enough. When that happens,
we must shake the dust off our feet (as our Lord says) and move on with our
lives.
How to Leave a Church
I dont believe Christians should leave a church for (to steal a phrase from our
Declaration of Independence) light and transient reasons. We have too many
consumers in our churches today people who pick churches and leave
churches based on music preferences, nursery decorations, carpet colors, and so
forth. Orpeople who have completely unrealistic and non-biblical expectations
of the church or pastor. Check your expectations! The Bible is clear on how we
should evaluate a church. Is the church elevating Christ? Is the church teaching the
truth? Is the pastor living his life according to the qualifications of an elder in I
Timothy and Titus? Are people getting saved, baptized, and growing in Christ? In
other words, whats the fruit of that ministry?
And when the church falls short in some of the above areas, rather than simply find
fault and move on, perhaps we should look in the mirror. To paraphrase President
Kennedy, dont ask what your church can do for you; ask what you can do for your
church. According to the Bible, you are the church. And youre not supposed to be
a consumer. Youre supposed to be a servant.
Will the church have problems? Yes. The reason is that it has people. Youll never
find the perfect church (or the perfect pastor). Any church contains people, and
thus is made up of sinners like you and me. No matter what church you go to, if
you stay long enough, you will encounter things that frustrate you, hurt you, and
disappoint you. Thats the nature of church. Its imperfect. But
A good church, though imperfect, serves a perfect Lord. And if we keep our eyes
on the Lord, we can enjoy the kind of church God wants us to have.
If things reach a point where you have a sharp contention (as Paul and Barnabas
did), then you should follow Matthew 18 to try to resolve that difference. Lovingly
confront those with whom you have a grievance. If that fails, bring in God-
honoring, Bible-believing witnesses to help in that process. This may take several
meetings. In fact, each stage of Matthew 18 usually does take several meetings.
The whole thing should be bathed in prayer and clothed in humility. It takes time,
patience, love, and discipline. And if at the end of that process, youre unable to
resolve the contention, then it may be time to move on. If you prayerfully decide
that it is time to move, then do so with love, grace, and humility. Share with the
leadership that youve made your decision to leave and why and then move on.
Take the high road out of your church not the low road.
Life is too short to hold onto bitterness, anger, and resentment. Its too short to let
petty things rip apart churches and friendships. We must look to Jesus, the Author
and Finisher of our Faith. Only in Him can we find true unity and peace. Until
thenlets err on the side of grace, humility, gentleness, and forgiveness in our
churches and relationships. In so doing, well at least get close to the character of
our Lord and Savior.
God bless you and your church.