Optica\Artists

in the Dark
O 2011 O.A.D (Justin
Roden and Rebecca
Cooper, with thanks to Matt Cooper)
The shadows in
the darkness.
By
Rebecca Cooper and Justin Roden.
Dedicated to the memory ofAnthony
Roden.
The house was empty. It was very dark. Not like a normal dark, of
which you can see shadows and hary light. Tonight, it was so dark; as if
nothing existed. Except for the wind blowing through the slats in the
shutters. The noises sounded like the voices of the long time dead.
whispers on whispers, words on words. Tumbling and tumbling, her heart
beat faster, faster, faster, faster, FASTER...
. . . UNTI L. . .
She sat bolt upright in bed and all she could hear was silence, nothing. As if
the world and time had stopped...
BANG BANq BANG BANG
Her bedroom door flew open and from the shadows, stepped her father.
ooAre
you ok?" He said.
she wiped the sweat from her brow, and replied,
ooJust
a nightmare, p4 just
a
nightmare."
Her father smiled and said, "Go back to sleep. It's nothing to worry about.
Goodnight, sweetheart. "
He
gtepped
back into the shadows and the door slammed shut. But it was
funny. From her father's knees down, there was nothing. No shins, no
calves, no feet. Nothing. As if he had floated into the room. Then she
realised he had been dead for two years. From behind her bedroom dooro a
noise could be heard. It was the wind again. Then she realised she was alone.
Totally alone. In the dark.
Moming came, yetagain, as the sun rose over the rooftops, to light up
the dark areas; pushing away the gloom into its underground lair.
Very strange today. Very strange, as the grass had no dew; no moisture.
Nothing. Why? Had the night not been a dream but reality? Don't think,
just
dress. Heck,
just
forget what is nagging your mind and get dressed; fucking
NOW! !
Walk between the gaps of the pavement. Ohh, such a dare. As mother
said "Stick to the pavement and not the cracks, for that's where the devil
lives, the old goat lives".
What a laugh to show such defiance in the plastic age. To college to learn
what? A pile of words, and nerds and war hammer and role-play. Sticky
tissues and fumbling round for a bra sfiap, in inner fucking city. No love and
NO GHOSTS. Now I wish it was three o'clock. That is when I can leave and
say kiss my ass, ha ha.
Walking into her home room, she sees her teacher standing by the
board. The rest of the class follow and sit down. Mr Pilgrim, their teacher,
starts scraping his nails across the board, sounding like a hawk screeching at
its prey. This makes the students shudder and shiver in their seats.
'oRight, I've heard about what's been going on with you lot. You expect ME
to be nice to you, do you?" He said.
Pointing to a ginger-haired boy in the front row.
"YOU! What do you think you have been doing?"
The boy looked up and started shaking.
ool...I...I
don't know
what
you are talking about.,,
'oDon't you DARE come all innocent with me young man!" Mr Pilgrim
shouted.
ooFuck
you mate. This is all a waste of my time." He stormed out of class.
The class door walloped offthe wall and the sound echoed around the class.
Mr Pilgrim said, "Well go on, all of you. Fuck offsince you don't want to
learn, but if you do, let's start on the subject of ghosts."
Etched in chalk on the board was the words 'what is a ghost?'
But to a captive audience of about twenty; silence. Except for Bob "Spacka"
Patterson, of whom let rip with an eggy fart. The smell of stale egg
permeated the room, so that Davinder Patel heaved. Such was class life and
guess what, it sucked.
Mr Pilgrim smiled. "Phenomena of the second kind. That is a ghost.
And for you in India" a Bhoot, a restless spirit and unquiet soul of whole.
The veil of death, the mortal coil is not final. In fact, it is the beginning, ffid
for some many years of haunting a spot or a place, where they died, or in
fact, loved. It is to remind you, that in fact, there is truth in the words life
beyond death".
He then stuck up a sheet of white paper: 'Sixty percent of you, even you
Patterson, believe they have, at one time or another, seen a ghost. Well, in
fact, only two percent have. Why? Because ninety eight percent, yes, ninety
eight percent of all of you so-called ghost sightings can be readily explained.
And it is the two percent that is the one to worry about", he said and smiled
so smugly.
For once, she raised her hand. This was the first time in her life. Mr
Pilgrim turned slightly towards her, raised his eyebrows and stared. He then
said, 'oso, enlighten me with your chesfirut of wisdom...well?
Go on then.,,
with a dry mouth, she blurted out, 'owell.. .what happens if.. .you see a
ghost?"
Arrogantly, he threw his head back and with a roar of laughter, he snarled
out, 'oMy dear young
lady, it is obvious you have a very over-active
imagination. I suggest you be quiet and let someone more intelligent speak.,,
she placed
her head down and stared at her feet. She gently whislered,
'Asshole. But it happens to me every night.,,
,
Mr Pilgrim went red in the face. Angrily, he shouted out,
.,w11ry121,,
And for her reply, even quieter
than before, was, "Nothing.,'
She watched, embarassed, as her so-called classmates poured
scorn on her,
with laughter and giggles, pointing
at her. such life in tle chssroom. vile
and cruel.
No-one cared, as she fled from the room in tears. No. Not a drop of
sympathy. None at all, as she ran away to the safety of the bathroom at the
end of the corridor.
Inside, she stared at the filthy mirror on the far wall. Showing no reflection,
but a black outline. Then it hit her, the realisation. For it wasn't her outline,
but her fathers. As the black hand came out of the mirror menacingly, she
passed out. Her head smashed offthe piss-stained
floor, leaving a laige inch
cut on the back of her head. The next thing she saw was darkness. Nothing
else.
Strange music was drifting in and out. Then a bright light. Then focus
to a window, treetops and a pane of glass. Then a face upp.*id above her
head. It was mother, looking sad. she said
ooyou
look pale.
you
did not eat
this morning."
Mum stroked her hair to comfort her.
"Mum, I've had a terrible day", said the girl.
Myl put her finger on the girl's lips and calmly said,
oorhat
bloody Mr
Pilgrim. He should know better, the big-headed jerk.
picking
ott yo,r kids,
because his own daughter has ran away and is missing.,,
You see cheryl Pilgrim was a town bike, because everyone had rode her
more than once. one day, six months ago, she had left home and did not
return. The local town paper speculated that she was pregnant
or on drugs.
But Bob Patterson said once in class, in front of Mr Pilgrim, that she had
swallowed more seamen than the sea had. This, of course, had earned Bob a
thirfy minute detention, scrubbing atoilet with a toothbrush, and Mr
Pilgrim's revenge was a beat down in last week's pupils verses teacher
annual football match.
It was night time. Dinner was a dose of apiz.za,of which tasted of cat
shit or kebab. Or was it cheese and tomato?Anyhow for f3.99, it was atotal
disgrace. Worst of all, was the sugar vomit the local chip shop called a
milkshake.
Then to bed with a glass of water, to sleep offthe oncoming sugar rush.
Her room was stufr. The smell of mouldy socks or chips, and the thought of
cleaning it, rushed in her mind and soon left.
Her table lamp was on. It was barely lighting the room, and the musty school
books that had to be read. But boredom prevented it. I mean, who cares who
burned Joan ofArc? So, reluctantly she switched offthe light and went to
sleep.
It was about two a.m, when the loud tap on the wall above the bed
awoke her. As her eyes opened, she saw floating above the bed was the body
of the now smiling Cheryl Pilgxim. Her smile was masking the evil in her
eyes. In fact, it was then she noticed, of where there should be eyes, there
was in fact two black voids and to her horror, the smile turned into a snarl.
The ghostly visage slowly vanished, and for the rest of that night, it was an
uneasy sleep and this was all she had to look forward to.
To whoever said the sunrise was anything but an awesome sight? The
gold's and the orange's flitting across the rooftops. A typical autumn day that
we do not notice. Lrstead, the work grind controls our perspectives.
It was the glass bottles on the milk float that awoke her, the whirring of the
electric engine of the float that stirred her.
At the breakfast table, sat mum, eating French toast and staring into a full
coffee cup.
ool
got you French toast, ham and eggs, sit down. I have got bad news for
youoo, she said.
The girl gently sat down and pushed the plate of food away, stating,
ooJesus,
I
hate eggs, what the hell has happened now?"
Mum firmly picked up the paper and said, "Cheryl Pilgrim found dead near
to the cemetery. Throat slit. Sounds pretty damn messy.l'
The girl stared at her mother and said,
*what
the hell? who told you?,,
Mum smiled and said, "It is in the paper. I think it's on page six. They don,t
even know who did it. The poor cow."
The girl shrugged. "She was a total fucking bitch anyway.,,
Mum glared across the table at her, angrily.
ooshe's
dead. Have pity on her
mother, for pity's sake. what a damn nasty thing to say. I brought you up to
be better than this. I hope you put on a better attitude from now on, young
lady."
The girl pulled the plate closer to her, started eating, and said,
,,what?
Like
that fucking bitch sucking a golf ball through a hosepipe?,,
Mum giggled and said,
o'I
got to go. I'm on shift at the factory at ten-thirty.,'
Mum left through the back door. The girl turned and shouted, "See ya,
wouldn't want to be ya."
Today, college was closed and for once, it felt so quiet and lonely. In
fact, nobody was around.
After her mum had left for work, she sat in her room, working on
some English Literature coursework her teacher had set the class.
All offa sudden, she heard a sort of tapping around the room. she
span ronnd and yet again, clear as the day, there sat Cheryl
pilgrim
on her
bed. only this time, she wasn't snarling. In fact, she had a sad look on her
face. She started crying and said, "Please help me. I was too scared to tell
dad. I did run away and I was pregnant. You see, someone kidnapped me as I
was running away and murdered me."
The girl sat looking at the pitiful Cheryl. Absolutely terrified, she said,
o'I...I...I
don't know what to do, cheryl. Your father wouldn't believe me.
Besides, he's being rather an arsehole towards me and the students at the
moment."
Have you ever done things you didn't want to, nor understand? well,
this afternoon, it happened. It was a visit to grandfather's house. The dirty,
foul-mouthed man who treats his family as servants. Damn him to be placed
in a boiling pan of acid. Grandfather's house was on the edge of town, near a
railway line. As the trains went by, the vibrations would shake the house,
like grandfather's fists, as he saw it, the injustice's of his life. The truth was
he had nothing to complain about. He sat in the diffy yellow chair. Hell, the
smell of stale cigarettes and steri-dent, the shrunk, dwarf face, like a mouldy
prune, dirty old man sat with spittle shooting from his mouth as he spoke.
He said,
ooYou
know what you need girly."
The girl shrugged her shoulders. "Well go on. You obviously want to tell me.
I can tell." She said. Then in a faint whisper, she muttered, "You dirty old
bastard."
To which came a loud shrill of the old man,
66M{AI.?"
She put her head down agarn and said, "Nothing."
The old man lit a cigarctte and dragged a lung fulI of cancer, as he poked a
coffin nail in the direction of the young girl and said, "Ajob, a
job, your
generation, girl, arc at best, bone fucking idle."
Her mother, who was in grandad's kitchen, cooking his meal of pasta, his
favourite, dry and hard, like his worthless soul. Mother shouted,
ooShe's
eighteen dad, and trying to better herself. You know, a good job,
a good life,
and a good wage.'o
That fucking snigger and a hacking of old lungs, in a dry cough, was the
answer, and that vile reply, "Stupid fucking bitch. All she'll be doing in ten
years time is pumping out kids for a welfare cheque."
That total vile old asshole!
One thing the old bastard had was a memory of all things strange and
today he mumbled out, "Cheryl Pilgrim was such a weird child. She claimed
she saw shadows in her room."
Mother shouted through from the kitchen, "Dad, for God's sake. You make
that up. How vile you are."
His stern reply was,
ooShe
did, girl. Her father turned you down, you ugly
bitch. Anyhow, that child saw ghosts all the way up to her death. You know,
a premonition. You know maybe the Good Lord was saying, 'times up slut."'
This vile remark made the girl feel sick, and she blurted out, "I wish you
would die, you dried up old bastard."
She stormed out of his house. How could she stay there a minute longer with
this desiccated old piece of dog cr:ap?
Walking down the pavement, she saw at the end of the road, a man.
More a shadow, tall, thin. The sun blotting out his features. But evil. She ran
the opposite way to hide from this spectre. It seemed it had come for her
now.
She reached safety a block away at Sanjit Kaur's house. She knocked
at the door. Sanjit answered the door and said,
oowhatos
wrong with you?"
The girl replied,
ool,ve
got a lot to tell you and you won't believe
-..
yo.,
will think I'm mad."
Then for the next hour, she poured
out her soul to a black coffee.
Sanjit sat in her kitchen, looking shocked. she said,
,,I
believe you.
We have ghosts in India Bhoots. They cause all kinds of stuff. Father even
has a spot to burn incense to please the spirits. When I went to Mumbai last
yatr,I saw a ghost,
an old lady in the local temple garden.
She tenified me.
Father told me it was the circle of life. Accept good or bad in life, so you
have to accept it."
The girl sighed, "What do they want with me?,'
Sanjit looked straight at her. "To tell you something. To warn you. Too give
you advice, before it is too late. You know, ghost stuff. Hey, let me come
over and stay the night. I can tell you if I can see and if not, you,re nuts.',
The girl hugged sanjit and in a child-like whimper, cried out,
ooplease
help
me."
sanjit smiled and said,
oook,
ok. Hey, look, it is bothering you. Look, I will
protect you, honest. I'll be over at six tonight."
The girl opened sanjit's door to leave. She turned round. sanjit was gone
and there was a musty smell in the air like all abandoned empty houses have.
At that moment, she realised she was indeed alone, in a long-time
abandoned house.
Is reality a point of view, or what we see? Is it, in fact, time or is it an
illusion from which the sleeper must awaken?
That night, nothing happened and guess what? Sanjit did not turn up.
But as we pan out of the room, staring at the floor of her room, lyrtrg
around was a yellowed newspaper, from ten years ago. It had the headline,
'Young girl found drowned in the local pond. Tragedy. Sanjit Kaur, 15, of
Dragon Way was found by local girl aged 8'.
The radio came on to wake the girl from her slumber. A garbred
message was heard: 'oEveryone heard the voice on the radio, saying why
move and don't waste my time. There are no independents anymore. The
-l
I
I
tape is a circle, but who really cares. I saw you behind the wall. I even heard
you laugh at me. You disgust me tonigh! with your answer to something
new. That's you."
She rubbed the sleep from her eyes. The radio was off. In fact, it was
unplugged and the room was still dark.
Then ajolt andaprod. Then awakeningagatnto mum andahot cup of tea,
and time to wake and go to college.
Apentagram symbol was etched into the plaster deep, as if someone with
long nails did it.
The long bus ride was strange. To the Regent Road, where the college
infected on. why? she was all alone, as if the driver, how she remembered
what he looked like, did not exist at all.In fact, all she saw was bus stops,
ruin, drizzle and gloom. When she finally arrived at the stop she needed to
get offat, the road was deserted, except for a dog. A cocker spaniel. A
listless, moody beast that slinked down the wet cobbled road, tike a black
snake, oozing, undulating and stepping in front of her. As the dog passed her,
to not stare in this creatures eyes, she slightly turned her face.
After it seemed it had passed, she looked back to see where the dog had
gone to. Gazing over her shoulder, for she dared not look back too much,
just
in case the dog looked back and saw her. However, the said dog had
vanished. ln fact the street was empty and apiercingly icy chill blew down
the road.
She ran to the college gates to escape this madness.
At the college, there was no students, no teachers, no security, no cars.
Ivy is climbing up the wall, like a wild animal t'rying to escape the zoo. The
walls are cracking like a crumbling cookie. Down the hallways, mice are
scuttling away, as they hear footsteps for the first time in 50 odd years.
Drops of water are dripping from rusty taps into pots with caked on, mouldy
food.
All is quiet, silence is shattered as a wall collapses. Dusty rubble rolls
along the floor, like a cheap football being blown in the wind. The uash of
the collapse sends hordes of woodlice and leatherjackets creeping into the
eeriness of the dead of night, like a naughty student who is late and creeping
into class. The dust sweeps throughout the room, coating everything in a
cocoon, giving the resemblance of a butterfly. The crash is so loud, it can be
heard from every dark, dusty corridor.
In the dilapidated library, book shelves are being eaten away by the
woodlice, making them weaken at the
joints.
All of a sudden, there is a loud clatter. The shelves crash onto the floor. The
sudden loud noise awakens a lone squatter, sleeping in the comer. This
makes him almost
jump
out of his skin. The noise echoes amongst the
rafters. He rises out of his make-shift bed and plods over to the fallen books.
He bends down and gathers a large pile of musty-smelling books. Trudging
back to the disintegrating fire, he drops the books on it. The fire rages up,
like a teacher getting mad with her class.
In the drama hall, footsteps are tapping and running about on the
broken stage, of long dead children, of whom have died at the school.
The old projector lights axe covered in soft and silky webs, hanging down
like torn curtains. Voices are heard in whispers from the ghosts of the
children of the past, playing, laughing, crying and screeching.
Down the never-ending corridor, is the spooky canteen. Some of the
tables and chairs are rusted to the floor, as there is a dripping crack in the
ceiling with rain water dropping on to them. All the other tables and chairs
are broken.
In the kitchen area) there are pots and pans everywhere, with an old and
mouldy, caked-on food around the rims. The cookers are thick with inches of
filth, grease and dust.
Around the corner, with it's chipping paint, is a woodwork room.
Creaking doors and many broken windows.
Moonlight glistens through them and beams bounce offa saw in the far
comer of the room. A red substance reflects in the light. It is blood, dry
blood. Someone in the past has obviously sliced into their hand, over 50 odd
years ago.
The outside of the building is now bathed with the soft, silvery light of
the moon. The college grounds are strewn with liuer, that has blown in from
the street. Rusty bicycles sit next to the over-grown weeds and plants. There
is movement in the bushes. Ajet-black cat runs away, in through a hole in
the disintegrating college wall.
The college is in the middle of a smoky, smelly and busy city centre. There
is a fence all the way arormd it. Difty and broken signs are also on the fence,
quoting,
ooSite
due for demolition.',
TWo days later, the college is no more, demolished. The end of
playtime
for all the creatures and ghosts residing there. Even the sad spectre
of the girl, of whom we have been telling you about. Standing over thgroad,
is the girl's mother, placing flowers on the spot, of which her daughter
vanished three years before. The girl saw a bright light, it enveloped her. A
pair of black hands grabbed her around the throat and dragged her into the
light. Then the light vanished. The shadows had come for her and they
would not be denied.
The runner
As the door shut behind him, on a cold frosty morning, looking all around
him. No cars. So he began to run. His destination was the park entrance at
the bottom of the road. It took around about ten strides and he was at the
entrance. Unusually today, a fog had settled in the park.
Barely enough to see in front of him, but he knew his route. He had done it
thousands of times before; in the rain and in the snow. Same old, same bld
grass and concrete slabs. As he started to run on the slabs, barely hundred
feet in, a realisation he wasn't alone. Stared to the left, stared to the right,
stared behin4 but nothing, but grey fog. So he ran on.
About another hundred feet in, he heard behind him feet running. As if
another runner had
joined
him. He looked back. In the swirling fog, he saw a
black outline, barely visible. So he increased his strides and ran faster. His
heart was beating faster; his skin tingled and for a few seconds he outran this
dark entity.
Barely a minute after, the running behind him became louder. He turned to
see what was behind him. The shadow gave form to a black runner. No eyes.
No nose. No mouth. Just black. The runner ran faster, his mouth became
drier. At this point in time, it was arace between the runner and the shadow
and the runner would not be beaten. As he ran faster, the shadow gained
speed. His footsteps became lighter. Dare he turn round, of which he did.
Then the horror of the vision behind him came to light. For behind him, was
apale runner, all in white. But, his head and face, my god, his head and face
lolling backwards and forwards, as if his neck was broken. And that terrible
fixated stare on his face. His mouth dropped down. The
jaw
lolling side to
side in a black pit that resembled a scream. And the red hot coal eyes staring
at him, trying to claim his soul. He had to run to escape this phantom, but no
matter how fast he ran, the phantom got neaxer and nearer. Almost within
touching distance.
The phantom stared to stretch out his pale hand as if trying to snatch at the
runner. So the runner ran faster and faster, for he knew up ahead was the exit
of the park and the local school. And the local churctu of which no phantom
could enter.
The exit got nearer and nearer. Beyond the exit of the paxk, was clear. No
fog. In a final effort, he sprinted, as if his heart was going to burst out of his
chest. The phantom behind, my god, his fingertips were touching the back of
the runner's neck. His nails like talons, clawing at the flesh. The exit, head
for the exit, and the road.
The runner did not see the car, nor the young
mother driving ig nor the
children safely strapped in the back. As his body bounced offthe bonnet and
on to the tarmac at ahigh speed as his
jaw
shattered and his neck broke into
-a
dark pit stare, just
like the phantom's.
And what of the phantom?
The fog
had cleared and standing at the exit was no longer the phantom
but the
runner. He put his hands on his face and turned and vanished.
The runner, written by Rebecca cooper. As told by Justin Roden.
The Library
Listen, can you hear the sound of...
Dusty pages turning
Noisy alarms sounding
Quiet
people whispering
Annoying computers beeping
Shinygates shutting
Bike chains clinking
But now it has changed...
People voices echoing
Cold wind howling
Shiny gates rusting
Interesting books disappearing
Burglar alarms sounding
Doors banging forever
That is what happened to the library.
Happy I Ams
I am
The crashing waves of the sea
The first slice of cake vou see.
I am
The beach, all the shells and pebbles are
Within my reach.
I am
The present that can walk, no other
Present can walk or talk.
I am
A trip that takes you out for the day
You do not have to pay.
I am
The new car you take out and about
I will not let you down without a doubt.
I am
The cake that you eat offa plate
I will also get you in a state.
I am
The boat that keeps you afloat when you are sailing on the sea
And when the waves go crashing you will shout with glee.
I am
The car, all shiny and new, that you bought from a showroom in a town
called Crewe
My paintwork is gleaming, no doubt you,ll be screaming.
Final dream
I sit in the seat. I sit alone, my dying dreams all around me. The dreamso
they flitter away to the open sky above, through the bars of myself. As I sit
alone, the key turns. As I sit alone, the scratch of the key in the lock disturb
the reds and blues of my final dream. As I walk out of the corridor with my
dreams, it seems peaceful here. As I go into that darkened room and as I
have a hood put over my head the lever is pulled and the rope snaps my
neck. I dream no more. As in the drop of death, there are no more dreams.
Poor Country
The ground brittle like bones.
A lady sitting
just
beside me, crouching over a well.
I look in and see dirty, putrid water. She drops a bucket on a rope into it.
I wince as she pulls it back up and takes a sip.
As I walk along the dusty road, all I see is people lying, dyitrg; eveq young
babies and children.
They are hungry thirsty and dirty; they cannot wash in this water.
They have no foo4 no money, no clean water.
All that they ask for is food and water for their families.
I walk further along the road. All of a sudden, children run past me,
screaming with laughter.
Arumble of thunder in the distance,
Then slowly, droplets of water fall from the slcy.
Hordes of people swarrn, like bees, from their houses.
They begin filling pots and pans and whatever they can with the tears of the
gods.
Will they live much longer?
Rebecca
How I owe you so much in life, my darling
Rebecca.
Your kind heart, you loving face
Rebecca.
You try to help, you judge
not
Rebecca.
The sun shines where you walk
Rebecca.
How angelic and lovely you are, when sleeping
Rebecca.
One day you will be a beautiful butterfly
Rebecca.
As I grow old and fade you'll always be there
Rebecca.
Oh how lucky I am to have you here my beloved kind
Rebecca.
Dedicated to Rebecca Cooper
The witch
In November 2001, Charlene Foran, Charlotte Franks and myself decided to
make a play of our own. As it had recently been Halloween, we decided to
base it around that. It was written to be shown on school stage, but was shot
in a small room over the course of three doyt.
To be ltonesl thefootage, acting and the presence of other students, ruined
the point of the play.
So, at last, after ten years, here is what happened...
One evening, mum was on the phone to grandma.
she came through to the kitchen, where her two daughters were sitting.
Mum tells them that she has to go over to grandma's house, as she is not
very well. She also tells them that their friend, Josie is coming to look after
them.
Josie comes over and they have aparl...y and watch a film.
Rosie wants to bed, but Christie tells her to eat first.
"Ok", Rosie says.
Later on, they hear a cackling. The sisters go and investigate.
In the woods, they see a witch with a cauldron. They hear her chanting.
'oHocus pocus. Frogs legs dipped in locusts. I smell someone's presence".
The sisters hide behind a bush. The chanting continues. The next thing they
know, the younger sister is being dragged towards the cauldron. The witch
has Rosie by the ankles.
The witch drops her next to the cauldron. Rosie calls to her sister.
ooHelp
me, sis. What does she want with me?"
Christie tries to pull her sister away, but stumbles.
"Let my sister go. Eww, what's that smell? It's disgusting."
The witch replies, "You'll go in the cauldron if you don't shut up."
Christie runs round the cauldron and grabs a big spoon. She hits the witch
with it. The witch falls to the floor. The girls begin to run away.
ooDo
you think she's dead?" They say to each other.
They look to the witch, lying beside the cauldron.
She shoots up and screeches, "No, I'm not!"
The girls scream. They run offtowards home.
'No...no. it didn't happen. Shall we tell mum? No. it was all a dream. We
won't tell mum. It didn't happen." They chatter to each other, scared.
Rebecca Cooper
The elder chav
Came into clunking view on a winter day
In a short skirt, tights covering fat legs and varicose veins
Her spaniel-eared breasts red with the cold
Bulging out of a size-down, or two, small bra
Big fat waist, big bust and an even bigger head
Sky high heeled boots that she totters in
Hiding her old age, she's 38 not 16
Her boyfriends, all below 2I andlQ's of six
Her hair styled like a teenager
But a load of grey hair starting to show
Her black and missing teeth, not a perfect smile
What a creature everything false, everything a lie
The elder chav, the vain sister of our time
Once a mother, once a lover, tits covered in cum
Now avacant lot that no-one loves
Oh please tell her "Oi bitch. You're not fooling anyone,,
Justin Roden
Bored
Today is a dull day, so bored
Fed up nothing to do
Mind numb, belly full
Simple, tedious boredom
Sat bored in a dull house
Why do these days exist? Dull, empty and frustrating
Do something with nothing, pass the time, boring oblivion
Who said life is fun
Fuck oS lying scum.
Justin Roden
l
I
What's up with?
Oi, what's wrong with you?
You say it's me, my faults
But I behave the same
You lied, you cheated on me
You said we would last together
Now you live with a child
Michael, dear Michael. A druggie.
I saw you pampering,
I saw you
I saw you lying to loved ones
I saw you lying to your son
But no more.
Go on suck his cock
Go on pretend you're2l
What's up with you?
The truth is.
Justin Roden
Ol ' bi g ' ead
You sat there being smug
Ol ' bi g
' ead
You have to have the very last word
You know it, you saw iq it was you
My dear, dear man you're a moron and you're more superior
You let me know what the truth really is and yes, you are more superior
Be silent, for he is talking
Be glad that you're here
Be in your shadow
Shut the fuck up ol'big 'ead
You talk too much
Like a leaking tap, you dribble on
You know, see, understand nothing
You're the moron my dear man.
Justin Roden
l-
What's the point?
What's the point in love,
When it's only given one way but not the other?
What's the point in a ma:riage,
When all the man wants is a wedding?
What's the point in a relationship,
When they use you for your money?
What's the point in being with this man,
When they abuse your brother and hurt your family?
What's the point?
Rebecca Cooper
Glory to bacon
Glory to bacon
Sizzle in the pan.
The smell of heaven
Oh how my tummy rumbles.
My thoughts are with you
The way it looks.
The
joy
of taste
Canot wait, won't wait.
Glory to bacon
May my bread stay dry.
Justin Roden
[.,.
In the womb
For nine months, I sit
In my home
Of water and darkness.
Is it getting
smaller?
Or am I getting bigger?
I'm not sure.
Suddenly something squeezes, pushing me.
It feels like an eternity, but it's only a few hours.
The before I know it, I see a bright light.
Then apair of hands. Hands that grab me.
Help me from the darkness and to freedom.
Rebecca Cooper
Me
Me. I am alone
Alone and still
Times past of my will
Many friends, now so few
Lies discovered, air turned blue
Leave if you can
Stay if you must
But there is nothing except
Me!
Justin Roden
Dear Grandad
Dear Grandad,
You were there when I was ababy, you held me.
It bought atear to your eye.
You were there when I started school.
I believe you were proud of me.
You were there when I left school.
I was there when you were very ill.
I willed you on, even though I knew you weren't going to make it.
I was there at your funeral, reading a poem for you, with a tear in my eye.
I am proud to call you my grandad.
My dear grandad.
(dedicated
to my grandad David 1934-2009)
Rebecca Cooper
Cat
Sit on a seat
As seen through a green eye
Touched through paws
Heard through soft purs
Stroked lovingly through man's hands
Loved by child and adult
Soon to go, soon to stay
My cato my best mate.
Hurry darling puss
Come close to my breast
Let me hear you purr
I love you my beautiful cat.
Justin Roden
i
l !
I
Christmas
Early Christmas morning,
Children shout at the tops of their voices.
Carollers singing
Tinsel shining
Fire crackling
Paper ripping.
Oh, the
joys
and sounds of Christmas.
But on the other side of the world:
Children crying
Children dying
Adults starving
Adults weeping
Wars raging.
So, this Christmas, spare a thought for those who won't survive.
Rebecca Cooper
2012 (lunatic
fringe)
The world is coming
to an end?
It's2012
The seas rise, death by dirty water
It's2012
McDonalds
shuts, K.F.C burns
It's2012
Lo
q9i"t
writing,
no point
reading
It's2012
X Factor
ends in a dull draw...again
It's2012
ll.Il
.conomy
is in meltdown,
the Euro is a busted flush
It's2012
Tesco is growing,
ASDA is
jealous
It's2012
Tesco and ASDA go to war in Afghanistan
It's2012
$ush
peopleo
relax, it isn't the end, far from it, it,s ok
It's2012
Justin Roden
Toss
Pot
If seen, get him. Lives in Sproxton,
Melton Mowbray.
Drinks lager,
and can be called
,Drew
Hawthorne'.
Answers
to 'Oi Wanker,
Real name: Andrewski Martinez
.Judas,
Revelation
Andrew Revell, total liar. Can you see if this girl is laughing, because I
cannot.
What is funny is the way he thinks he is famous and for what? Getting biuen
by a dog. Ohh I suppose if you're stuck in a games workshop playing a
general.
Then yep it is total loser.
If you think that you kept me 'under your thumb', then you have another
thing coming. Look where you are and look where I am. You are in a lonely
village, and I, my dear man, am in a new place, due to be married.
Who has the better life now?
Which lie will you tell to twist the story to your making? I bet you think, hey
I am afucking hero, sorry zero. Put this in your war hammer box and chew
it.
I
I ",
I
The adventures ofAndy
Revell
The story of a man who could not tell the truth.
And he's brain damaged.
By
Justin Roden, Matt Cooper, Rebecca Cooper,
Pete Staniforlh and the PTW locker room. ,
(I wear my grandad's shoes. He was a Desert Rat, honest! Bullshit comics)
Introduction
By A. Nonymous
Since 'The First But Not The Last' in 2005, Justin Roden returns to
haunt you with atale of a man who, to be honest, makes Hitler
honest.
After three and half years under this man's thumb, Miss Rebecca
Cooper returns to tell the truth of an unemployable, worthless rat,
of whom wiped out her savings on lager and Warhammer. And
after a passage of verbal abuse, Matthew Cooper speaks his mind
on a violent drunk, r,vho loved abusing a kid, who wanted the best
for his big sister. To Chris and Tricia, this one is for you. Revenge
to a man who abused your trust. I hope this puts a smile on your
faces. Love you guys. Enjoy it; every page and say well shot of
Rimmer.
So sit back and laugh at a vile man, Judas would be proud of and to
you, Andrew Revell; I got to say this, "revenge is a bitch,
motherfucker. We
just
C.Z.W'ed your ass, you son of a bitch.
Eat shit and die"
Now who is the stupid one now Andy?
.. Sorry, as take a break said,
"you are brain damaged. Now what mother fuckerl'.
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It's Crap !
There was once aman calledAndy Revell.
yes,
like
the sweets. Andy played
so much Warhammer he
became king geek.
one morning, he was walking down the street, when
a car hit him and pinned him up a wall. He was then
bummed by the driver, who was a very nice man
called Louis Spence. Then Nelson Muntz from The
Simpsons, drew up in a stolen cat and said, "Ha ha',,
mocking Andy.
Returning home to his two up two down shitty flat on
Cockless Drive, he shat, soffy, sat reading his
favourite paper, The Sore Arse Gazette. You know,
with the readers wife. one with a pink vibrator on the
cover.
After trying the Urdu times, well trying to fucking
read scribble, he opened yet another can of Happy
Shopper lager. You know, good
old katz piss. He
realised his acorn size penis was gone;
vanished.
Replaced by a spaghetti noodle and it throbbed and
glowed. Better put some chocolate body paint
on it,
the vile pervert.
Time to go to the Games Workshop, of which geeks
and sad bastards try to be generals,
but end up losing
what is left of their dignity over a Bovril sandwich,
for fucks sake.
In the Games Workshop, was Paul Calvert an
anti-gay, gay guy, who had the I.Q of a cheese sarnie,
minus the cheese, and Rob Cahalin
,
a fat arse, sweaty
git who had two planets in his pants
called his ass. So
Andy unpacked his soldiers and played for a hour or
two or ten.
Anyhow, why bother talking about Andy, the sad
bastard with moobs and a very small cock. He calls
himself self ejaculating man. If you do not believe
ffie, count the used tissues under the bed and his
breath could melt metal. He could bore a Jehovah's
Witness at a hundred paces; about the distance safely
upwind to smell his body odour and trust ffio, that
could knock Frank Bruno out. Mind you a retard
could do that.
Back to Andy, the
jerk
offchampion of Melton
Mowbray. Hey, what is that skid mark famous for?
Ohh yeapork pies and yea. bullshit was andy all
over. He once told me he was world champion and
tagteam champion. Was he, do you ask? Well, is the
pope a Muslim, you
jerk?
Andy headed home on his motor trike, passing the
kebab shop, which had a special on cat shit kebab.
Bit runny, but it smelt better than Andy's breath.
AnyhoW 50p was all this tight bastard could afford,
so he headed home.
Eating was not on Andy's mind, as he lay on his bed
staring at the mildew and cum shots. One stain
looked like Rendell Monroe or was it Ray charles or
Craig Charles? Anyhow, as the one finger wank made
him shoot, it happened. God spoke. He said not a lot
cos andy was too pissed to listen.
Walking around in his pants, with thrush and piss
stains on the front, he ate his breakfast. Lager and
sugar puffs. Andy was a fat piece of shit, that wasted
a human body. It even takes Usain Bolt 40 minutes to
run around him. That sweaty, worthless piece of shit
that will hopfully lose HIS foot to diabetes. This
piece of crap
just
sits there and drinks his Lidl value
lager that tastes like fizzy pop and never leaving the
house. In fact, if he liked Iphones, he would have an
app that moves the world around him, like a slow
treadmill to get him to Games Workshop.
He was
just
lying in his bed, looking at the beer cans
because he cannot afford a TV. He lies there in a
recliner in boxers and a string vest, like Jim Royle.
Then he watched the news and saw that Gaddafi had
been found. He saw the hole and thought, "That is a
whole lot nicer than my house."
The air in his room was rancid. Why? Because he
was in it. His father Peter was wacking a stack of
unwashed plates.
They had a green growth,
of which
was four-month-old
baked beans, at least I think it
was. The Tesco suit was on his floor. The dog had
pissed
on it, but hey, Drew Hawthorne
was going to
Luton today. The bus ride was over three hours long
and by the time he reached Luton, everyone on the
bus was vomiting blood.
Now lets clear one thing up, dear reader. Andy, at
most times is unemployable. His reason to go to
Luton was to act aprat, in aMickey Mouse
promotion
called Power Trip Wrestlitrg. So he arrived
at a school, where the lardy arsed excuse of wrestlers
grunted
and groaned . His wrestling name was Drew
Hawthorne, maybe faggot in a Tesco suit would do
better.
The show started and andy was so nervous, that he
shat his pants. Toxic fumes filled the hall.and his
furds were legendary.It was as potent
as Saddam
Hussein's gas
,
that killed the Kurds ages ago.
His ring appearance was with collywobble. A retard
in a black boiler suit, as black as his dad's teeth. The
match against DezRez was first up, so the point was
to interact with the crowd. So how can aman, who
smells like a pile of elephant shit, ever have a hope of
interacting with anything with a nose, is beyond me
truly. So it was a disaster like always. Because he had
no idea, none, to help out. Except for Warhammer
and other related crap.
As Andy headed out back, all he heard was silence.
So he wanted to kill himself, that would show them
the bastards . He borrowed Peter Strainpants'Luton
town belt and headed to the shower room. He tied the
belt around the shower curtain and dropped. The
cheap buckle broke, and he hit the floor so hard, he
knocked himself out. When he came round, he saw a
girl standing near to him.
In a husky voice he said, " Is this heaven?"
The girl said, 'oNo, Luton".
The bus ride home was even worse for Andy, as he
had to stand up on the roof hitting bridges from
Luton all the way to Melton Mowbray.
Back at his pad it was time to do something
interesting. But as his girlfriend
had dumped him
months ago and his dog was not in, anal sex with
himself was, at best dull. But with a finger, he hit the
spot so bad, he shat all over his hands; gross. The
pain.
Ouch, ouch, oww.
He passed
out and now he was in dream land.
In it he was the Warhammer World Jerk Off
Champion and he was facing Matt O Farmer, the
horror of Hinckley. Guess what? Andy lost. Y.p, even
in his own mind, he was a total loser.
Waking up in your own crap was bad enough, even
with lumps of undigested sweet corn stuck to your
leg was not bad enough. Some time in the night,
someone had stolen his Warhammer figures and left a
ransom note. "You can have your
Star Wars figures
back for ten thousand pounds," It stated. Shit, Andy
did not have ten pence to his name, so the thought of
no Warhammer was really too much for this
simpleton.
So Andy thought, "suicide was an option I could do."
So, with a ten foot string of anal beads, of which the
largest was the size of a football, he decided to insert
them all at once up his anus. As you can guess, it was
a huge, if not friggin'huge, football. Footballer
Didier Drogba bashing his foot up Andy Revell
Hall's tiny ass so firmly, his bowl shot out of his
recfum and covered him in warm, soapy shit.
And you guessed it, he fainted.
Now his dog, who had no name except, "Anal Lick
Me", pissed on his face and followed through, with a
Subway foot-long shit, which gave him a fetching
Mexican moustache. Fucking bastard dog.Andy got
up and headed to the shower to wash down, but the
shower had no water . Heading out on his wheel-less
scooter, trying to do a Back to the Future hoveq but
going nowhere fast. Andy drank the toilet water with
the turds in it. Down to the Matrix Marital Arts gym.
Andy could not read, nor had a wife. Anyhow, he did
tight arse Kwang Doo Doo, with his skinny mate
Danny 'masturbator'Bigley. Andy did a kick and
farted, knocking poor Danny out.
Andy was feeling crap. He lived in crap to be honest
with you. Howeve\ a letter had furned up. It was the
blackmailer. "My dog Poppy has eaten your
Minotaurs and shat out Saddam Hussein."
Andy was angry, so it was time for a suck off from
Clodagh, the local fat bike. Because everyone has
ridden her more than once. She could suck a football
through a metre length of hosepipe.
When he got to the allotment, he was not in luck. She
was taking it up the ass with his dad. He then got
really depressed, like a Leicester City fan after
Birmingham City beat, no, thrashed them two nil.
He walked fifteen thousand miles to Pakistan to pick
up two cans of David Hasslehoff's premium piss
lager. He drank them and ate the cans too.
Back at his digs, he received another ransom note.
It was covered in dog shit and some words was
unreadable, so here we go:
"hav yo gt yaw money, u
twaaaaat. Leave by trin statin at
T
sigester train
station". He was reading the Warhammer Classic
Peppa Pig, when he found a pound
under his roll of
fat called his left tit. So bargaintime. At least one
figure could be bought back, but which one?
Colonel Gaddafi.
At Leicester train station, he stood on platform nine
and two sixteenths, which was the toilet. Guess who
was in there? None other than Martin Johnson. Andy
stared at Martin, well at his ann shaped penis. Martin
was angry.So angry he kicked Andy so hard in the
crotch, his balls shot out of his mouth. Bet ya never
seen that at Leicester tigers, huh Chris?
And as you guessed it, Andy fainted yet again.
when he awoke, he was naked and Rendell Monroe
was urinating on him. In his mouth, mind you, it
tasted like lager. Clodagh was sucking him off, result.
Meanwhile chris cooper was walking past and saw
Andy lying there. He dropped his lunchbox on his
acorn sized penis.
Yep you guessed it. Andy fainted .
This happens a lot because, like his bullshit Take A
Break article, he keeps falling over. once he fell over
a concrete bollard and bruised his testicles. He had
drank of Tricia's urine sample, thinking it was lager.
As you do?
Well I fucking don't.
Matthew Cooper woke Andy up, as he lay naked on
the flooq in the toilet in Leicester train station. Are
you keeping up with ffio, Sukhwinder and Prabhjeet?
Matthew was a kind guy, in fact a total gentleman. So
when Andy looked up, his eyes pleading for mercy.
Matthew kicked his teeth so hard down his pie hatch,
it exited his arse faster than a free kick by Fernando
Torres.
As you guessed it, yet again, Andy fainted.
The morning broke had
just
broke in Melton
Mowbray as Andy headed back home. Six hours of
rain and low dignity, made him realise how crap
Melton really was to you and him. But he wanted to
prove himself, yes, prove he was better than his dad,
and Barry the village idiot, who was Andy's real dad.
So at Saint Wankers School, a heat of X Factor was
coming up and Andy thought and thought and went
dressed in a silver thong and sang 'oDo You Think I
Am Sexy" by Rod Stewart and came last; behind
Veronica the vomiting ferret. She bit him on his
penis.
And, guess what, Andy fainted.
When he awoke, the whole set had been cleared, and
he was alone in an empty room. Hey, that sounds
familiar. He got up and walked down the.road, where
he saw Simon Cowell getting into his car. He pulled
up next to him. Andy tapped his window it opened
and he said, "Andy you're
just.
. .. Repellent. Fuck off
you sad loner. Go drink some Lidl beer."
And he drove of splashing Andy with gutter shit, left
by Veronica the vomiting ferret.
And guess
what Andy fainted.
Was it rain or a woman with period
dripping out of
her knickers on Andy? But he awoke with blood on
his face, so he ran to the local hospital, in a state of
panic. As he entered Saint Foreskin A&E, he slipped
over a body of a dead pensioner,
who was rotting in
the door way. It was Betty Driver, with a hot pot in
her hand.
The doctor came all over Andy. I don't know why,
but he did.
And guess what? He fainted.
When he awoke, he was in a bin at the back of the
hospital, He
jumped
out and found f 10 on the floor.
He thought he should go to Ptzza Hut. He sat down
and a black 20 year old waitress served him. He said,
'oCart I have a pepperoni pizza?"
After 10 minutes, it came to his table. Then because
there was no more room, a old black lady sat at his
table. Andy thought that she was sexy and he splurted
out his pizza all over the place and said, "I've got
brain damage", in aretarded voice. The old lady got
up and knocked him out. It was Rendell Monroe's
Nan.
And guess what Andy fainted.
His day could not get any worse. But I am god and it
did. As he got home, twenty police cars was outside
his flat and fifty police men were waiting for him. In
a cocky, if not retarded voice, Andy said, 'o HI I AM
BRAIN DAMAGED". And it was then a police baton
was firmly wedged up his glory hole.Andy screamed
out, 'oohh yes. Peter Staniforth. Harder".
And guess what he shot his load over a police dog
and fainted.
The next morning, Andy awoke in a police cell, when
atall copper called Desmond Tutu opened his door
and shouted, 'oshower time". throwing a towel at
Andy.
He was having a shower when a 6ft 7in,4501b black
boxer walked in, naked and dropped the soap near
Ardy. He hel d a 66inch chav stick to his throat and
said, "pick it up".
Andy replied'ol've got brain damage."
He bent over, picked it up and started to get done
from behind.
And guess what Andy fainted.
When he awoke, his ass was as red as a baboon's.
An anal bead had dropped out, surrounded in blood
and shit. He shouted out "OHH MISTER DARCEY".
And fainted.
The police was sick at Andy and drove him to his
flat. It was a house once, but his dad had nicked the
lead off the roof even though it had no lead on it.
The stupid halfivit.Andy walked in to his flat full of
Hindu's singin g,'oHari Krishn a", andbanging drums.
So Andy had his head shaved and was deloused
He became a Hindu called Barry Anal Bleed.
The party went on and on. Andy went through twenty
six cans of Nisa style lager and an Aldi red hot v
Vindaloo. You know, the one thatburns your arse, as
you shit it out the next morning. Well, he ate ten and
no Rennie would cure this mixture, so he puked all
over Mister Ghandi, who punched him in.his balls.
And guess what? He fainted.
And not very peaceful Ghandi.
Fuck offAndy.
What to do today? For Andy, it was time to sign on at
his local
job
centre. When he reached Grantham
Castlegate Job Centre, it was shut because it was
Sunday you dildo.
Sunday afternoon with Revell Holy Butt Plug.
Time to watch his beloved Sproxton Welfare; aptly
named because none of the wankers in Sproxton has
ever had a
job.
Today the football team was playing Beaumont Leys
Posh Pricks F.C, captained by Handi Capped, So
Andy was getting a game
because his mom was on
the game too.
The game was in the Smiling Jam Rag Kitty Litter
Premier Leagua, d league below Grantham Town.
But play fur,Andy was on the pitch dribbling
because Clodaghwas flashing her tits at him. And his
ball control was shit. Why, I hear you ask. He had an
erection. It was then that Prabhjeet Kang did a two
footed challenge which split Andy's ball sack in two
and gave poor, sad twat sfud marks on his penis.
Yea, you guessed it. He fainted in a pile of cow shit
because Sproxton's pitch was in a cow infested field.
The ref red carded Andy because his white shorts had
turned red and that was incorrect kit. Andy bitterly
complained to Mr Bean, the match ref and pointed
at
him and said, "My man, don't you realise, dear man I
arr\ in fuct, sorry fact BRAIN DAMAGED".
Now Mr Bean took Andy's manners as arrght insult
and proceeded
to ram the corner flag up Andy's ass.
Andy had to walk home with two feet of corner flag
protruding from his anus, dragging on the cobbles.
When he reached home, aTataNano car hit the flag.
As Andy crossed, it span him round and poor Andy
hit a lamp post. The flag further wedged up his
recfum. In a pained expression, he said
,
" I need a
shit and a plaster".
And guess what? He fainted. Again.
Toilet paper. Andy needed toilet paper. You know
what was Mr Revell's toilet paper was? The
Warhammer Classic White Dwarf.
But all he got was a subway wrapper instead, and a
fourteen hour ordeal of passing a corner flag.
And as predicted, he wanked offto anAvon
catalogue and fainted, as he came on Peter Andre's
posing pouch page.
Today was Andy's day to visit Leicester town centre.
The walk to it took fourteen hours, so finally he made
it into the sprawling metropolis. It was at the clock
tower that Andy had the final insult. walking towards
him was his ex, and I mean seriously, ex-girlfriend
sexy Rebecca Cooper. Rebecca was wheeling a
trolley of light bulbs and strip lighting, of which was
been used by her father at the factory where he
worked.
Now dear reader, the fact of all the anger in Beclqy's
eyes was the factthat in three and a half years, this
clown shoed bozo had swindled five thousand pounds
off Rebecca and her family.
Was it the strip lighting smashed around his head, or
was it the screamirg, snarling Rebe cca shouting,
"You fucking brain damaged toss ar," that made Andy
bend down. With the force of Mike Tyson at his peak,
Rebecca rammed a light strip up Andy's ass. It lit up
and it was not even plugged in. Rebecca was not
finished. Ohh no, not by a long chalk. Uhh huh, hell
no. With apush, the now defenceless Andy landed in
the trolley fuIl of light strips and light bulbs, of which
crashed and broke, cutting this loser to bits. Rebecca
was ready to waste this loud mouthed loser, so she
shoved the shopping trolley, with a panicked Andy
inside it, firmly towards the clock tower and with an
almighty BANG, as the trolley hit the clock tower,
Andy exploded his guts, shit, hair and spunk,
covering the whole of Leicester for a mile or so; even
Rendell Monroe and Darth Vader got covered.
r
So, now a blue plaque had been placed in Leicester
town centre, on the clock tower next to a dirty chip
wrapper. It reads, "here died Andy Revell. Yes, like
the sweets. Who was truly the worst total mother
fucker, that came to this city, in fact planet earth. May
he rot and fuck offback to where he came from".
And you know what? His mom's clit would refuse
that sad bastard entry.
fi TTEND.
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Rel>ecrn,CooPer, 24.
andrew revell started to rub his own cock but because he was rubbing too
hard, he ended up pulling it offand it rolled out of his piss stained room and
into peter revell's room. it finshed up inside peter's arse and slipped through
to his ball sack.
andrew revell was taking louie spence up his arse
anddddddddddddddddW you dirty male whore he screamed
as andy had to ram his cock into louies butter fudge hole when his dad peter
marcel o perv revell yes like the sweets peter shoved a broom handel up
andy's choccy star fish so hard andy shat his pants and shot his load into
louie
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamddddddddddddddddyyyyyyyy
yyyyyy said louie and guess what andy fainted
andy shoved his head into clodagh's arse and clit so hard that she shat into
andy cum chop's mouth. he swallowed it and because he had no insides, due
to being eaten out by piss dwelling rats and fleas, the shat went straight
through and he in turn shat the shat out. unfortunately because of his scabies
the shat that he shat from clodagh's arse came out purple
it was while andy was having a half an inch wank that he shot his load and
the
jism
hit him in the eye andy screamed in pain ha ha ha ha ha the sad twat
fell out of his window and was impailed on his dad's garden fork by the
knob but fucking hell how unfortunate cos his foreskin was so fucking tiny
and his dad had burnt the fork handel on his living room fire so thinking
andy's forskin was a raisen he put it on the fire and andy ran around the
living room with the smallest fire i have ever seen his cock was as big as a
match and burned out
just
as quick.and guess what andy fainted and shat
himself
andy took his dad peter marcel revell and
joseph
dodds to the local fuck park
to have an all male threesome. then after midnight they went to a cemetery
to piss arse around and start stretching their arses and scrotal sacks over the
tombstones.
andy was trying to get a client for boy on boy bum sex and found an
amputee named legless linda and got a huge hardon well a two incher so he
fucked the false leg and gave it back to linda it was then that andy
discovered that linda had a rash on her stump and his cock turned purple and
exploded andy farted and fainted the sad moob headed cunt
andy decided one day that he was going to try and fuck himself. but
unfortunately his cock was too small for it to be able to reach all the way
round to his arse, so he started to wank himself. his cock began getting
bigger but because it only got half an inch bigger, he noticed that as he tried
to get it bigger than what it was, his cock started to bleed. andy screamed at
the sight of his blood. and fainted.
andy wanted to read his dad's copy of raz-zlesamputee's special but
unfortunately like an i ams cat he cannot read the stupid fat mother moobed
fucker mind you who reads the articles huh yeathat sad pube less sweaty sad
paedophile who had the charm of a dry thistle head
one day andy decided to have sex with an animal, so he went round to next
door and knocked on the door. the ladv answered the door to find andv
standing there. i would like to have sex ffffrlrrr with your dog
lrtrlr. but before the lady could answer, andy fainted and fell forward. a
few minutes later he woke up and looked up. he found himself staring up the
lady's skirt. she had no pants on. he raised his hand and started to wank her
off. his cock then grew in length and he was able to fuck her without moving
his body.
andy was in his kitchen doing some naked cooking so he set out on the
cooker the frying pan and took out two sausages in what would be described
as a fernando torres faux par he put his chipolatainthe pan
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
rrrrrrrrlrrrrrrrrrrrr his tool was sizzlin in the pan it went pop then went
BANGGGGGGGGG andy saw his man hood splatter on the ceiling and
fainted
andy was playing cricket when wakkar tool bowled a gooly at andy hitting
him in the love spuds and dropping him threw the stumps wakkar said
howzat andy replied painfull and fainted
andy had some tidying up to do, so he decided to make a change and do it
stark naked. he found some old papers and took them to their shredder but as
he put the paper in the shredder, he felt a searing pain. he looked down and
saw that his cock was going through the shredder as well. he saw blood. and
fainted.
andy was building a go kart and wanted to try it out so at the top of sproxton
high street he tested his scrap heap shit mobile he
jumped
in to the go cart
his fat ten tonne ass broke through the bottom and his rolled up news paper
cock and ball bag where dragged over the cobbles and under the pram
wheels his cock got caught in the wheels and andy was ejected on to the
cobbles smashing his fucking teeth to the back of his arsehole and it was
then his twiglet cock snapped and yes he fainted
andy got a
job
yes shock horror he did atkat shit kebabs in sproxton in his
first day the kebab shop was raided by the u.k boarder agency and andy was
arrested for being a pakistani and was put into a detention center near
cumarse in wales in there eduardo arse raped andy by putting his twenty inch
cock in andy's ringtrliece it hurt so hard he bleed white shit but worse was to
cum he was deported to pakistan and in anger andy grew a beard and
joined
the taliban and was shot in the head as sweaty moobs was mistaken for
osama bin laden however since andy was BRAINDAMAGED the bullet had
little effect except to make andy shit himself so in pakistan the dune niggers
call him the big smelly shit
andy somehow managed to get a
job
as a prison officer, but on his first day
he slipped up and fell on to a table in the dining room. eduardo the prison
gay found andy prone on the table and decided to pull him into the showers
at the end of the corridor. he bent andy over and thrusted his ten inch wide
cock into andy's arse. andy screamed with the pressure of the sudden
insertion. and fainted.
oh ar oh ar faster andy faster yes yes cloudagh yes suck it fuck fuck suck the
head lick the balls yes yes YES oww ohh my god oww my god you bit it off
shit piss fuck arse you fucking lunatic that fucking was ohh my god you fat
slag cunt..hang on andy you sad one inch wonder it was only an ice cream
have your shag here ten pence for an hour long please call me well hung
revell well hung like a flea revell
call me now for a one hour long fuck for 100 pounds.my phone number is
07543747435 or alternatively call 9 9 9 ask for the stormtrooper in drag
andrew martin revell
andrew revell from sproxton or as we call it in birmingham a shithole atthe
arseend of leicester age twenty four thousand billion and getting older
weight ten tonnes and man sweats like a rain forest knowen a skunk ape
revell of no nuts saddo his hobbies painting two inch things including his
penis and warhammer of which he is called
just
like the french revell
surrender monkey or greasy fat smelly arsebandit
andy revell was in a comic shop and was reading his favorite comic
warhammer weekley and dreamed he was a superhero in a blue leotard and
red undercrackers and a red cap with a yellow s on the frount of his leotard
the stupid cunt thought he was supennan well he tried to attempt to fly
and
jumped
and impailed his love
jewels
on an rather fetching darth vader
red light saber andy turned bright red then white and fainted the
superbraindamaged cunt
andy was a desert rat in the Antarctic
andy decided to try a new hobby. it didn't involve painting, it didn't involve
glueing, it didn't involve anything like that. all it needed was his fist. he
managed to find some instructions on the internet. he read that he needed to
insert his fist into his arse. while it was in there he had to then move his
fingers to molest the inside of his testicular bag
andy thought he was good enough to box vitali klitschko so in germany he
was booked to fight vitaly was eighteen stone andy was twenty two
including his sagging moobs and his dunlop over his shorts shit serious
dunlop i say so as andy walked to the ring his swinging moobs had wladimir
klitschko focused like he was under the spell of sweaty man flesh andy tried
to get through the ropes and tripped on the middle rope and smashed his face
on the canvas instant improvement on the looks department to be honest
the shock wave sent wladimir klitschko all sick and he puked into vitaly's
bucket or was it the terminal b.o andy was sweating anyhow vitaly got into
the ring and coughed and said who farted wladimir now feeling better said
sorry i upchucked in your bucket of which vitaly said don't blame you that
fool stinks so the ring introductions was made and as andy's name was called
out andy rushed forward and tripped over his laces and headbutted vladimir
of course vladdy was rather upset and did a huge punch to andy's love
handle which made andy shit himself as the cornermen left the ring and andy
covered in shit chunks in the shorts the bell rang out came vitaly and with a
organ smashing left hook hit andy in the ribs andy went over in pain shit
poring from his arsehole thous was andy's big fight 10 seconds in the
making ohh well at least andy did better than david haye
usain bolt's trainer decided that he was going to get andy to go into a race
with usain. so andy had to find a way to make the ten thousand mile
journey
to where usain was to meet him. but unfortunately because andy had no
money due to spending it on lager and warhammer, he had to walk the long
journey.
usain eventually began to give up because andy couldn't leave the
country because he was scared of water. he hadn't had a bath since he was
born 45 years ago. usain's trainer rang andy as he was leaving luton to tell
him that the race was cancelled. he told andy that usain didn't really want to
race a smelly fat bastard that causes an earthquake everytime he takes a step
anyway.
andy went to his local swimming pool23453323323 miles away he took his
clothes offand scraped his urine and lager stained pants offthe instant cod
piece and sweat smell cleared out the dressing room the swimming bath
owners thought the drain was blocked anyhow andy headed to the pool and
jumped
in the water
jumped
out that is how water deals with this total love
spud
amazing factoid one andy is drew hawthorne or is it drew hawthorne is a sad
tosser from Sproxton
is two andy's better than one fuck no hence god gave andy only one testicle
ok last story scene andy was in his local butchers getting some sausages for
his dinner so inside the shop andy says my man i demand fresh sausage not
week old rubbish and you will provide me with what i want or i will go to
food hygiene and say i found a mouse terd in my sausage and your shop will
close in hours so the butcher being a honest and kind man said ok aqd my
daughter will give you oral sex if you say nothing come round to the back of
the counter and andy did the butcher then said take your tool out and put it
on the chopping board and i will call my daughter so andy did and with one
swing the butcher chopped offandy's warhammer and said is that fresh
sausage for you andy fainted
andrew martin revell the one inch wonder went to the auctions to buy some
new shoes as his rubber desert rat shoes had a hole in them an asshole so in
the auction room apat of size five cloggs were up for ten pound so being
pissed andy stuck his hand up to remove a nit from his greasy hair and he
won the cloggs so now if you hear clock clock ow ow it is andy walking in
his cloggs that don't fit and make him faint hey try to get size ten into size
five
ever wondered who nicked your fence panels well it is andy revell you see
he is a quarter red indian well
judging
by his face you would guess it so he
burns the panels on his coal fire he strips naked and if you walked past his
house and stared into his window you would thought you see a pott bellied
pig anyhow as the panels burnt andy would do a war hammer dance but the
poisonous fumes made andy giddy so he fell cock first into the fire onto a
red hot nail which sizzledhis sausage and chiefjafta lovespud fainted
andy loves chinese his favorite one ton soup bizzaretr. *.igh, one ton too
the fat cunt
andy revell decided to go for apizza, so he made the 100 mile
journey
to
leicester and went into pizzahut. he sat eating for a while, before a woman
came up to him. it was
janet,
his mother. she sat down and told him that the
hospital had rang after he went out. they said that andy was found to be
severely brain damaged. he sat with his mouth wide open. he sat like this for
a few minutes. his mother asked him if he was alright. he was still sitting
with his mouth wide open. suddenly he fainted and fell forward and his face
hit the pizza in front of him. because his mouth was still open, thepizza
went into his mouth and choked him. he died there on the spot.
andy decided to do some building work in his hut of a home so he made his
mind up to lay floorboards in his dads loft so he bought some fence panels
and went to work when his dad came home he shouted andy you brain
damaged sod andy stood up the fence panel gave way he crashed through the
loft onto the stairs did a gambol down them and shot up right and said yea
andy had spent the night drinking at the local working men's club. he had
drank 10 pints of lager. he walked home, or rather wobbled home. he came
to a factory shop which sold bathrooms and kitchens. in front of the shop
were a line of bollards. andy had a thought that he could
jump
them all.
unfortunately for him, he would only be able to manage to
jump
one of
them. he placed his hands on one of bollards and tried to
ju*p
it. his thighs
smacked against it. because his balls were hanging so low, with the sadness
of his spenn being killed offwith the drink, they rubbed along the bollard.
unfortunately for andy, his balls were sliced clean off. his sperm didn't have
the worry of being killed offwith the drinking. he
jumped
it and tried to get
ready to
jump
the others but because he was so drunk, he rolled past them all
and rolled straight down the road, into the shop at the end.
hello welcome to cash in the attic we are in the revell household looking at
andy's used tissue collection and star wars figures and antique fence panels
burnt unfortunately it is all worth fuck all so i have poured petrol in the
house and tied andy and his worzell gummage family up and set fire to it has
any body got any marsh mellows
Hello and welcome to the five o'clock news. Andy Revell has found out that
he is not French or German, but he in fact belongs to al-Qaeda. So bum him,
one and all!
hello this is the news in england a man was taken to hospital when at an e.d.l
rally he announced he was an french arab mister revell who suffers with
hyper brain damage is in a vegative state mind you andy has being like that
for all his life so this story is a crock of shite
andy once found himself in a movie. he wasn't sure which film it was. he
decided to walk around a bit to try to find some clues. he walked for about
half an hour. he found himself suddenly walking into the sea. but bepause he
wasn't sure what it was, as he was severely brain damaged he kept walking.
he walked further into the sea. within a few minutes, he was up to his neck
in water. he looked down and saw a shark in the water in front of him. what
he did not know was that his ex girlfriend had became famous for her teeth
and had a film created with her in it. the shark was in fact beckv. the film
that he was in was called The Girlfriend of Jaws.
here is the six o'clock news live from sproxton andrew martin revell has died
from terminal flatulence so i guess you can say life imitating fart
andy sucks his cock and gives himself a blow
job
andrew martin revell once was a tweenie he was replaced by frzz he was
salled alchy stained bastard he was sacked because he was shit and shat on
doodles and raped max and rimmed bella and arse fucked milo
andy revell was once a tweenie he was replaced by frz.zhe was called little
noodle but he got fired for giving max a blow
job
and got judy
pregnant and
milo a sore rectum and
jake
v.d
bella was an ugly bitch only doodles would lick her cod hole
andy was getting a
job
fuck the cocaine is making me talk bollocks
andy was a smurf once he was called poppa no nuts he left cos he smelt
funny urine dose that you know
andy was in the desert pratts he was asked if he wanted to wear kharki andy
replied i had a poo already so he was smeared in camel shit
andy
joined
the moonies he regularly shows offhis arse when he bends
down
andy has breath so strong that surgeons don't need to use anaesthetic
andy being backwards thought he discovered god when a dog bit him on his
crown
jewels
andy was going to rob a bank so he thought i have to wear his one legged
girlfriends tights stupid fucker realised that her tights were attachedto her
false leg and was quickly arrested when a sad twat ran into the bank with a
false leg trailing behind him in the other leg hole getting trapped in the bank
door it took firemen ten hours to laugh this one offand two seconds to cut
the shit free
andy little penis sucker revell was in his gardin
building a water feature he
was doing shit as per when he sat on the water spout of the fountain he built
and fuck me the thing worked as water shot out of his ears mouth and pork
sausage untill a shit blockage made andy swell up and with a
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuaa
gggggggggggggggggggggggggg
gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
sproxton was covered in revell shit
chunks
andrew martin revell wanted to do a bit of gardening
but because he was
suffering from severe autism and was a spastic, he was cutting the grass in
the garden. he had the garden shears in his hand. a sudden pain shot through
his body. he looked down and fainted. and why? he had cut through his cock
with the shears.
andy revell was retarded enough to believe he could read the tarot cards so
in his dad's bedroom he read his fortune it told him he was to have fantastic
anal sex in the church down the road but like all things he ever did he fucked
it up because as he entered the church he was gang raped up the arse by gary
glitter and his glitter band so his arse was so sore the sun was colder than his
bleeding ring piece
andrew was killed and sent down to the devil because he had been so
naughty by having sex with dead people and he fucked them up the arses
and in their eye sockets. he was such a randy sod that he asked the devil if he
could have oral sex with him. the devil said to him that he wasn't allowed to
have sex with him but the devil was the only one allowed to have sex in hell.
the devil had so much sex with andrew that he ended up splitting him from
head to foot and ripping his ball sack into a million pieces.
andy revell had another fucking stupid idea he wanted to invent indoor hang
gliding so he rushed to the top of his stairs with a ripped bin bag and ran as
hard as his lardy arse could take him and
jumped
offthe top step well did
this elephant fly well no he gamboled down the stairs smashing his bollocks
and face on the stair rail so blood seamen and sweat covered the carpet ohh
well at least he tried to take offthe sad cunt when he reached hospital he had
to have six feet of stair rail and stair carpet and a copy the beano removed
from his rectum
andrew was sitting by the pool. he was feeling incredibly thirsty. because he
was so brain damaged and autistic, he went to a woman's house and had sex
with her. this quenched his thirst
andrew was sitting by the pool. he was feeling incredibly thirsty. because he
was so brain damaged and autistic, he went to a woman's house and had sex
with her. this quenched his thirst, when he was done he left her with a
clevelend steamer on her tits, afterwards he gave her a dirty pico she. said
this is toffee flavoured shit. when he was leaving she said you have a bear
arse. he told her to fuck offwhilst he went to grease up his hair with a
maryland bucket.
andy wanted to be famous however being famous required talent and he had
none in fact if talent was a can of lager his be a ring pull so andy thought
where can you be as talentless as a dog turd on a resterant plate of course x
factor clone the voice so andy headed to london to try it out well sing as bad
as he could fuck so ideal for the spaztics that went on the voice so andy got
to do his audition and sang the star wars theme dressed in a skin tight p.v.c
suit his voice sounded like some one with there penis being dragged through
a washing machine on a eighty mile an hour spin or a catbeing arsefucked
by leonardo and his twenty inch cock so did andy make it through to the
second heats fuck no tom
jones
bent him over and rammed the microphone
up his arse so bad andy's screams sounded better than the singing
andy went to a funeral he was so drunk he fell down a hole his dad's arsehole
the degenerate
andrew had somehow managed to get a
job
in the hospital. he was working
as a surgeon's assistant. his
job
was to fetch the equipment needed for each
operation. during one surgery he accidently slipped in a pool of blood that
nobody had noticed. the next thing he realised he was stuck inside sean
midnight's chest cavity. the surgeon did not notice that he was stuck inside
and he consequently stitched sean up. unforhrnately because sean was deaf
he could not hear andrew screaming inside him. a few days later, sean had
died. and why? because andrew had eaten his insides and drank his blood.
poor poor sean. evil bastard andrew!
andy revell got a
job
on television on most haunted it was during a show at
the old central lending library that he and yvette fielding kath and karl and
derek acoradid some table tipping but the table shot up and entered andy's
arse hole which made andy scream running around with a table stuck in your
arse was not bad enough derek acorah had a fit and said he was the ghost of
george best and kicked andy in the love spuds of which dislodged them they
shot out of his ears and karl fainted headbutting the table so far up andy's
arse the table leg shot out of his penis yvette was not impressed after all two
inches of andy raisen is not that much and guess what yep most haunted got
cancelled gee thanks andy you mother fucking cunt
andy revell had got himself featured on W-WE. he had a wrestling match
with ric flair, undertaker and Rey Mysterio. it was a 3 on t handicapped
match. first Rey Mysterio performed
a 6 | 9 on Andy and then Undertaker
tombstone pile drived andy in to the mat. furally andy was butt fucked by ric
flair.
just
goes to show how fat washed up moobed men like andy get on in
wrestling. he thought he could win all the titles in W-WE but he could not
win even one. fuck offandy fuck offandy you wanking cunt
after his failure in the wwe andy was booked in pete strainin pants ptw now
andy was going for a shot at the womens title vs sean midnight yep sean had
sunk that low andy heard the bell as sean bashed it offhis bollocks the
clapper slicing his foreskin andy was bleeding well it is wrestling sean
kicked andy in the arse and got his foot stuck and fell over with andy falling
on top shit dribbling down ol deaf aids leg I2 3 andy was announced as the
new female champion it was then he woke up clinging on to the twelve
pound plastic and foam childs w w e title he stole from his ex girlfriend ohh
well still a loser i see andy you sad wanker fuck offandy fuck off
andy was scuba diving in leicester town fountain why he would do that is his
guess anyway andy was bobbing for coins when a drain sucked his cock into
the drain cover putting a smile on saddo from sproxtons face however
joy
turned to shock when it ripped his nuts offand andy shat himself and farted
then fainted
andy had decided that because it was his birthday and he was going to be
having a birthday party,that he wanted everybody to have a wank, even
those who couldn't. then r,vhen he had grew fed up of this, he then said
rrrrtflrr i want people to wank the person next to them. he had fun. and
because he had been wanked too much, he fainted.
andrew revell wanted a disability scooter so being a cunt he stole nicholas
hamilton's raspberry mobile and sped offwell as fast as nicholas could
wobble and harvey could think as i say andy crashed burned and lost both
legs and got fwo beer kegs put on his sfumps fucking n.h.s trying to kill him
it was world war two andy wanted to
join
the desert rats so he
joined
the
army at the balracks he was told to wear a turban andy said why so the
sergeant said you dirty bastard your in the indian anny so get my tea poured
you paki cunt so andy put the kettle on and accidently set fire to his turban
which burned him into a pile of ashes so the ashes was gatherd up and put
into the tikka masala and the germans won the second world war cos andy
poisoned the army the fucking sproxton wankbiscuit
andy was bored so he wanted to light up his farts and being that sad he
borrowed his dad's lighter and bent down and raised his shit encrusted ass in
the air and felt a giant fart coming down so with a parpipple he lit the lighter
a blue eggy smelling flame shot from his ring then thadoom he got a blow
back and his rear end caught fire andy ran around his bedrogm and dived out
of his bedroom window with his small package on fire he landed on fence
panel which caught fire and poor andy was burnt alive the pathetic
buttfucking twat well he cannot get an assfuck his butt cheeks are melted
together so he shits from his mouth at least his breath smells better i guess
andy wanted to find love so he went to a dating agency at the agency he had
to make a short video so thinking he was smart he took out his twiglet and
two raisens and as cameras rolled he shouted hi i am well h.tng from
sproxton he was arrested by trading standards for giving false information
andy was in the chip shop he shouted out my man that sausage is small not
worth ten pence the chip shop owner
jumped
the counter and pulled down
andy's trouser and pants and said my man that sausage is teenie weenie not
worth saving got out his kebab knife and cut offandy's twiglet and threw it
into the hot fat so now andy has a battered sausage to pee through nowadays
only 99p
andy had been given a bike for his birthday but as he did not want to be
known as the village bike, he tried to get it really small. but he couldn't get it
small enough to fit up his tight little arse
andy had an idea to sell his body for spare parts he only got a penny to fuck
offhospital premises cos the smell of him was tainting the corpses in the
fridges the saddo cunt
andrew martin revell was playing air guitar and was bouncing on his bed
when he did a huge kick in the air and split his trousers and underpants and
scrotum he was in so much pain he landed on his chipboard chest of drawers
and hit his one inch wonder on it snapping it offandy was violently sick all
over his warhammer figures the stupid sweaty peodo sproxton minge eater
and his banana shaped love tool was rushed to hospital as he hit a and e he
cleared all the hospital cos he smelled so bad or was it his terminal bad
breath of which could melt
juan
matato batter anyhow who gives a fuck the
sad finger of fudge from his arse aint worth typing about the fat cunt
Andy martin piss stain revell was at a local well 34 miles from Sproxton
mcdonalds . Anyhow he was tucking into a big mac and belive me mac was
not happy with a sad cunt tiny brained dickhead from Sproxton munching on
his middle leg.so big mac stuck his size ten motherfucking nike trainer
firmly between Andrew's love spuds ' the force was so hard it was like the
space shuttle had blasted of his trainer andy was kicked through the maccy
d's window and was cut like polish ham in a Tesco meat slicer and guess
what the motherfucker was charged with replacing the broken window ha
ha andy u
cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
.
A man was laying on some grass in a park. A dog came running up and
sniffed him. The dog turned around and...
... and andy started to stir. He felt something wet on his face. He woke up,
looked up and found the dog pissing on him. He opened his mouth to drink
the piss. The dog ran off and andy found that he was allergic to dog's piss
and fainted. Fortunately for the dog and his owner, the planet-sized moobed
cunt died. Hallelujah.
Andy woke up he was rich his granny got killed with a bar of soap and the
difiy fuckbandit was worth one million Sproxton pounds one million fuck
yea hang on Sproxton pounds how much is that in real pound sterling then
Lets ask howard the ex Halifax singing wank sorry bank manager go on u
myopic cunt . That much then ohh andy it is worth 22pbackto the
job
centre
then u twat.
What difilerence between a rotting corpse of amy whine house andAndrew
martin revell? I'd fuck amy even in that state than kiss andv revell and his
green toenail
Marvel have plans to do a new superhero flick based on a caped crusader
who patrols the mean streets of Sproxton it is to be called andy
judas
revell
the green toenail
A mobile company was losing money, so they decided to employ someone to
help promote
sales. They picked someone out of a village on the outskirts of
Leicestershire, as they felt sorry for village people(!)
They pickedAndrew
martin revell and sent him out on his promotion
rounds. They never let him know his new name, but they told the general
public what it was. In time, he became known as... Alcatel-man.
There was once was an ugly duckling from sproxton he was found when he
reached Leicester he was decapitated and stuck in a burger atMaryla.nd . It
was andy revell who purchased
it and got the
jappy
crappys and diedtwo
months later.
Ydna llever si a nairb degamad ellihpodeap
Andy revell wanted to go back into education and so he went to a special
school you know a special needs school. Whilst in there he saw a wheelchair
bound disabled girl called mary who had an I.q lower thanapubic hair.he
chatted her up and since mary could not hear see nor talk
just
sit there with a
stupid look on her face andy thought blow
job
and pulled out his one incher
and thrust it into mary's mouth . Well mary bit down and andy was so much
in pain he did afatmanriver dance so good teacher who was myopic
thought he was trying to impress her gave him a star and pinned it to his sore
cock.
Andy went shoplifting he got caught he could not lift a shop u granny vag
andy.
Andy was in his bedroom. He wanted to suck his own cocko but as it was so
small and he was so fat, he was sad. He then had an idea. He said out loud
"go, go gadget cock extender" all of a sudden, his once one inch cock started
to grow. when it was big enough to reach his mouth, he said "stop
gadget
cock extender" and it stopped. He was now happy thathe could give himself
a blow
job.
Suddenly something happened inside of andy's body. He started
to change. After he had changed, he started to bite at his cock and ended up
biting it off. He saw the blood and felt the searing pain, and died. He turned
into a zombie if he said the words
oogo,
go gadget cock extender", but he
didn't know this as he was such a stupid fuckwit.
Andy wanted to become mandy so he booked himself into a gender bender
clinic ohhhh yessss we get all scientific here anyhow he went to the clinic
andy had had enough of fucking dogs so he made the long long long long
journey
to birmingham to find his ex girlfriend's house where she was living
with her new fiance. he turned up on the doorstep and banged on the door. he
shouted, but not loud enough, mind you as he had advanced throat cancer,
'rrrrrrrnr
Rebecca. have you got your kitten Tinkerbell in there? i would love
to do her in the arse.' unfortunately for andy and fortunately for rebecca and
her kitten, andy succumbed to the cancer and died there on the spot. he was
just
dumped, without a proper burial, in the river coal, along with the other
crap in there.
benson boxes was recruiting for new workers and so andy applied and got a
job
look motherfucker stop laughing i am telling you the story i know i
know it is bullshit but
just go along ok so andy went to bensons and was
greeted by ex girlfriend rebecca's father the tower chris cooper andy said
what do i have to do so chris pointed to a pile of boxes and said in a mister
bean voice up there and sit on the chair you know where those kids are
gatherd around so andy climbed up the box and chris stood with a stick with
a huge cloth on fire and lit the boxes under andy so andy said rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm
am i supposed to light that chris ffrrlrlrrrrnrr chris smiled as the flames
licked andy's bollocks and said no your the guy for benson boxes bonfire
night celebration and man did piss stained pants burn well
tricia has shrunken kidney's andy has shrunken testicals and no spenn count
andy managed to get a
job
in D C comics, fuck me, what am i saying D C
comics would never employ a fat smelly pig with moobs the size of the
galaxy.
andy went for an audition for the
judge
dread movie so he got a roll as
judge
cheezy pants his skin tight leather costume was so tight that his moobs made
him look like from the back katie price and from the frount he looked like
the hunckback of notre dame or fucking hideous from sproxton in the end
andy was caruled well canned in a tin can and throwen into the thames with
the a4e managing director but schhhh our secret
andy had been given a
job
in a superhero film. he had cancer of the kidney,
he had cancer of the testicles, he had cancer of the brain, he had cancer
everywhere. in fact he was not a super hero, he was a minor hero. his name.
was cancer-man
and the doctor cum out sorry came out and said thirty thousand for plush sex
change or for thirty pence the cheapo wham bam call me mam special .andy
thought yea I know how can a terminal brain damaged toss pott think?.... It
was then andy said 30p please so andy was told to go into a room and strip
naked my god what a sight as andy had huge moobs andy was almost female
in the top half. So the doctor came in to do the operation andy wanted an
anaesthetic so he was given an aspirin and the doctor produced two house
bricks and swung them at andy's bollocks the sound of the two bricks
colliding and the white and red and
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaflfifi
ITIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII II11111'I'II'I'I'II-I'ffTTTTTITITITITT
ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggge
ggeegggggggggggggegegggggggggggggggggggsggggggggggggggss
ssgeg
gggggggggggggggg
ffi well hello mandy.Andy sorrymandy lives in
Scotland he or she changed his or her name found fame as a singer on x
factor as susan boyle.
What is the definition of gullible? Andy believing wwe is real
Whats the difference between
jimmy
saville and andy revell? At least saville
gave kids sweets after he fucked them
Andy revell andy revell he put al into alcoholic.
Andy went on to
jim'll
fix it. unfortunately
jim
gave him ableeding rectum
and a cigar burn.
Andy decided to go to the local go-karting track. He started to drive round
the track, but as he did his cock got caught in the wheels of the car. No
wonder this happened, because his cock was so
looooooooooooooooooooooooooo
mnnnnng ggggggeggggggggg
gggeggegggggggggg
after being wanked so
much and so often.
Andy was going
to rob a local corner shop he got tooled up the tool he
waited to midnight and ran towards the store armed with a
stick.
.......sproxton news fuck all happens here top of the news at
five
past midnight man shot dead at local gun smiths when a local man tried to
hold up the stall with a stick andy rubble 44 was shot 1212312 times police
have cleaned up the chunky bits and fed them to the local police
dog
malcolm ohh well saves on a funeral as the graveyard
is fuIl.
Andy was in the local supermarket. He was walking round when he came to
the freezer aisle. He came to one of the freezers and looked at it. Because he
was so stupid, having
just
escaped from the local mental institute, he thought
that the freezer was his home. He climbed inside and locked the freezer door.
He didn't realise that he was trapped and he was going
to end up dying
inside. He stood in the freezer until about 30 minutes later, he was frozen
completely. He tried to move but couldn't. He got hypothermia.
And died.
Andy was at a rifle range it was thought by the owner that andy was so
fucking stupid he was given abazooka so andy stood on the range and in a
fit of brain damaged fuckwittedness he fired the damn thing backwards and
blew up the tea room behind him he was charged with 34 counts of murder
and given six months community service hey who sez
justice
is soft in great
Britain?
Andy found communism and wanted to
join
the Vietcong and kill imperialist
americans shame fuckwitt your 37 yearc too late man even Harvey price
could not fuck that up.
Andy was in the kitchen at home. He had a knife in his hand. His dad was
calling him from the lounge. Andy raced through and as he did so, he tripped
over a fence panel laying on the floor. He fell forward and the hand with the
knife in hit the floor frst. Andy landed on the knife and it went through his
head. As he believed he was invincible, he did not die. Boo hoo, noo he
should've died. Oh my god how could this be?
Andy was running up the road how or why is not clear he ran over the top of
the high street and the 55 bus ran him over flat as a Indian chapatti well u
think he would now be at a disadvarfiage? Well nope and yea he could see up
girls skirts and started to do a perv site called fanny watch .well he got his
when in the ladies toilet at the bullring shopping centre Birmingham city
centre he was caught with a stocking on his head . Why was he wearing a
stocking was a mystery because he was the only flatbread shaped man in the
midlands he was in court dubbed the lilet man.
Death to andy was oooooooohhhhhhhhh shit so when he was dyittg he tried
to cheat death saying with an inch and a half figure in his hand he said I got
lucas the trickster if u kill me you die too. Death said look at me I am bones
I got no cock or bollocks and dumbfuck I am death
job
title I am dead and
carted andy to hell which in fact was a british gas call centre in
pakifuckingstan.
andy was once on his bike riding around watermead when he saw a swan in
the road he put his brakes on and caught his knob in the brakes he fell of
with a bleeding cock and the swan had a suck and pulled out a gun and put it
to his head and said that thing would be better as a ratatoille sausage for a
baby sized portion andy went in to cooking and made it for simon cowell on
britains got talent he loved it so much he fed the queen she said it had a very
salty flavour he told her it was ratatoille knob she puked on his mubes and
had him arested for treason he receive death by elecreutted cock but he
dident have one so he lived and wanked of his dad when he got home im a
jewish
cock with a klingon suit it was when sukhwinder came round that
andy got a big surprise as he admiued he was gay bent andy over and rid
him home andy nearly fainted because the melted candle had a twenty inch
cock so andy had an arse redder than a baboon's. poppy piss offandy had
then been sucked offby his rat alice then prabhjeet
standing like brian
wanted to
join
in and thrust his forty incher in andy's red ringpiece
C| , l I l l l l I I l l I r I I I l l l l l I I I r r I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I ' I I 111111111- f r r f f i
said
andy as crabmeat's brown sausage exited out of andy's ear. satwinder came
along and said can i
join
in the fun. andy said you can the more the merrier.
well there was spunk everywhere. that much they almost drowned the way
amy winehouse did or whitney houston. then
jesse
copulated with the melted
candle and crabmeat. then harpreet stood up and said you are all disgusting
and
joined
in. everyone in the street heard all the commotion that they all
joined
in even rat beard. asma took her hijab offand the rest of her clothes
when batman came in and said i would like a bit of that. phwoar. then
everyone coppulated in the street. michael nestled in tricia's breast's she said
oooooooooooooooooooo that was good mick. as if life didn't suck for andy
as sukhwinder sucked him offthis vegetated and comatosed cabbage with
the i q higher than peter andre, well
just.
and
just
below katy prices breast
implants he decided to do another thursday night rant of which his first one
was about as popular as pork at a muslim wedding. lets
just
say you could
count as many hits as brain cells in harveys brain anyhow this is what andy
said m good evening to the firrrrrmrrriday night rant
"thick cunt" tonight i am announcing i am going on britains got talent and
the guiness book of records will be there i am the only man in the universe
who can't sing can't fuck can't walk in a straight line couldn't satisff a
woman with a fantty tighter than mother theresa's fanny i can't act in fact if i
have a wank, i usually cop it in the eye the last
job
i had was licking dog shit
off the pavement for the leicester city council i do not know if my father is
my mother brother or cousin so i am going to commit suicide live on air. i
am going to shoot a crossbow lrrow through my head and guess what dear
readers simon cowell said he was crap, so andy was a fucking failure the sad
'
moobed cunt
This is the true story ofAndrew Martin Revell, the one in the red
t-shirt, and his final hours on planet Earth.
This remarkable tale of heroic failure and fainting, will warm your
heart and make you piss yourself, laughing.
So, as you sit reading this book, say "Thank God I'm not Andrew
Martin Revell, because I'm not brain damaged."
@ 2011 Absolute Nutter Comics, the only way is Birmingham
publications.
O 1984 Some poor woman's clit, Melton Mowbray Times.
f3.00 (f50 in Melton Mowbruylf.l,000,000 in Luton)
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Car thieves
Go on Kev, no one cares.
But I do!
Go on, take it. Go ono steal it.
But I do!
Go on, be part of the crew
He always obeys!
It's
just
a pensioner's, an old folk's.
Disaffected youth!
Go on Kev, belong to us.
Die in flames!
Go on Kev, be like us
Unemployable!
Faster, faster Kev
Swift and wrong!
Watch out Kev, watch out
Darkness, death.
We don't know him officer.
Such is the life of a thief!
The man in Pakistan
There he sits and weeps,
The man in Pakistan.
To a photo of his beloved wife,
The man in Pakistan.
Taken so cruelly from,
The man in Pakistan.
Not natural but by religious zealots denying,
The man from Pakistan.
He wipes his many tears,
The man from Pakistan.
The wounds of Islam and,
The man in Pakistan.
How I want to shake his hand,
The man from Pakistan.
Soon reason and
justice
will come for,
The man in Pakistan.
The street
See my street?
It's
just
like yours.
See the concrete?
It's
just
like yours.
Hedges and fences?
It's
just
like yours.
The people. Faceless, running, walking?
It's
just
like yours.
Time flitting and fading?
It's
just
like yours.
See my street?
It's
just
like yours.
Lies
What is a lie?
If it covers a sad truth
If it denies tears
If it denies malice
If it denies sadness
If it denies you or I
Then it is a lie, all the same.
Oh liule white lie,
Comfort me, deny me reality.
@ 2011 Written by Justin Roden.
Updated ghost sighting by Justin Roden
I thought I would write to tell you about an incident, of which has baffled
me. It occurred in late September 2009.It was whilst I was walking my
brother Matt's dog, Poppy, along the Coleman Road, of which ends on the
corner of Uppingham Road. The Uppingham Road is one of the biggest
roads in Leicester. It was as I came to the corner of Coleman Road through
to Uppingham Road, that I noticed about 60 feet away, that I would at best
describe as a black shadow. This shadow was about six feet in height, but it
had no feet. A gap from shadow to pavement was about six inches. It was
free floating, not projected against a wall. No arms, no legs and no head;
just
alarge shadow moving at greatpace towards the local undertakers of which
was on the corner in front of me. Out of curiosity, I followed the shadow as
it went inside the open outer doors of the funeral directors. As I ran to the
door and peered inside. The inner doors had not moved, in fact the black
shadow had vanished. I have since learned in fact the inner doors were
bolted shut so where did the shadow disappear to?
Heading home, I was totally confused. I told my ex boyfriendAndy what I
saw. Andy scoffed atme, telling me I had, in fact, seen a tall man in a long
coat. But I know he was wrong, so what did I see that day?
An incident reported in the Leicester Mercury. l5th August 2009.
Police are investigating after a retarded Sproxton man, Andrew Martin
Revell, was bitten in the stomach and penis by a dog, believed to be a
Chihuahua.
It's teeth pierced his
jacket
and t-shirt, leaving puncture wounds in his
abdomen and luckily in his one-inch penis. Clutching his bleeding stomach
and love-gun, Andrew went to a nearby shop to call an ambulance, and was
thrown out due to being drunk and bleeding on the carpet.
Nigel, shit, sorryAndrew, 55, of French Road, Evington, well, the front door
of it anyway, was treated in hospital after the attack and severely laughed at
because of the small size of his penis. The attack which happened
just
after
3pm on Monday, sorry, Tuesday, sorry, Wednesday, sorry, Thursday, sorry,
Friday.
The lying mother-fucker said:
ool'm
the prince of Denmark. I'm brain
damaged. Ow...why did you hit? Ok, I'll tell the truth. I was walking down
Humberstone Road. I was having a garne seeing, due to the fact I was drunk
and walking into concrete bollards, bollocks first. I saw this skin-head and
his dog coming towards me. I am quite nervous about dogs, so I shat myself
and fainted. Anyway, so I rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gave them a naffow berth. The little
bastard dog pulled on its lead, eyes bulging out. You know, like me, brain
damaged. The man was tugged along with it. It then
jumped
and bit me in
the stomach and bit off my Warhammer.oo
ooThe
owner stomped on my head about a thousand times, asked if I was
alrig!fi, done a
oJonny
Wilkinson'style kick on my bollocks as he walked
off."
At the Leicester Royal Infirmary retard, sorry, Andrew had the wound
cleaned with a teabag, and was teabagged. But the attack left several
puncture marks and deep bruising on his anal sacks.
He has unfortunately reported the attack to the police and also given them
details of a witness. He said:
ooThe
police told me that I was a sad wanker
and are investigating far more serious crimes, like who stole PC Pork
Scratching's Popadom.
Officers say they are investigating, but a police spokeswoman said she was
unable to comment because of data protection issues, and they
just plain
can't be bothered because Revell is a retard.
A valentine's me l i n
dated 14"' February 2011.
Andy Revell- Just a little message to say that your breath stinks, your B.O is
terminal, your cock is small. You kiss like a fish and you smell like one, too.
Now fuck offyou sad cunt, so I can find a man with a cock bigger than an
inch. Oh, happy valentine's day. Go and suck your own cock. Becky.
Article from Leicester Mercury dated llth October 2010.
A couple, well, one idiot and one girl, who were prescribed drugs by a
doctor found to have misdiagnosed hundreds of cases of Epilepsy in
children, have set up an online support group for fellow victims.
Bandy Rebel, sorry, Andy Revell and partner Rebecca Coopeq from
Evington, have both won financial compensation after their diagnoses at the
Leicester Royal Infirmary. But they say more emotional support is needed.
Because Andy is brain damaged and cannot read.
They say they are suffering from the effects of treatment prescribed by Dr
Andrew Holton in the 1990's. which has leftAndrew severelv brain
damaged, suflering from Homo Retardus.
An inquiry had found he had wrongly diagnosed Epilepsy in617 cases and
one case that had turned Mr Revell into a cabbage. The doclor put 500
children on wrong doses of medication. And putAndy on Crack.
Mr Reve1l,28, came under the care of the doctor when he was l2.The
doctor was 12, that is and his name was Peter Marcel.
He explained:
ool
remember very little of my early teenage years. Because the
Crack was good!!"
"I used to like...like...like...uhh. But I became less able to do things and
i
there are huge gaps in my...uhh...memory...of
that time because I...of the
extremely high dosage of Crack I was on."
He stopped taking the medication when he was 16, but has been left with
bad breath, brain damage, no chance of getting a
job,
bad B.O and a small
penis, which have affected his balance. Due to the fact that he is drunk. It
has also affected his memory speech and confidence'
Ex-partner Rebecca Cooper, 23,wastaking about eight drugs from the age
of nine to 15.
Miss Cooper said:
ool
was like azombie, all the time. Even though the
medication has stopped, my balance has been affected and sometimes
I
know what I want to tuy but can't actually say it. Because this brain
damaged cunt butts in. I want people to know how to live with a brain
damaled mother-fucking
cunt like this, or as my brother Matt calls him' Oi
Shitfer Brains."
So far nine people have signed up to the support
group 'Let's Kitl Andy
Revell, the ilrain Damaged Cunt'which
is on the social networking site
Facebook.
Mr Revell said: "Clodagh,
soffy, Rebecca and I have received compensation
for what happened to us."
.,But
it is not
just
about the money. Because I have spent mine and Becky's
on lager. T.his is about emotional support, because I might be able to spend
someone else's money on lager."
.oWe
want to offer a place where we can get together to getdrunk and find
some resolution to what has happened. We don't want to bad mouth Dr
Holton."
o.I
want anyone affected to feel that they are alone and have to suffer in
silence."
,,Rebecca
and I both feel we are able to share what happened to us and shit,
the suicide rate is up. Because who wants to listen to a sad bastard like me?"
,.If
the online
group goes well, there might be an oBE or a knighthood
for
me. But fuck BeckY."
"We will
just
have to see how it goes. At the moment, we
just
want to let the
people know that I am here. Feel sorry for me."
The Alchy
Pass the day sat in piss
Drunk up to the eyeballs
To the bottom of the can
One drink too many but who cares
The sad alchy and his can
Rrrrrrr is his favourite speech
What a lonely life it is
Prone on the settee caked in vomit
The sad alchy and his can
Drunk, sober. Not a chance
He'll be a dead man soon
The alchy and his can
@ Justin Roden
A poem by Andrew Revell OBE and Hitler Warhammer Corps.
Rrrrrrrrnfishypasterrrrrrrrrrlagerrrrrrrrrnbackdoonrnrn:r:rpissedmyselfrrrrrr
rrnclodaghrrrrrrrrrrsuckmeoffrrrrrrrrrrcheesywotsitpantsrrrrrrrrrrdeafcultural
centrerrrrrrrrrrlightninglewisrrrrrrrrrrowthathurtilostrrrrrrrrrrwartonpenisrrrrr
rrrrreggontoastrrnu:::"rpukedituprrrrrrrrrrbeckyi' ve shatmyself.
Andy Revell poem
Get me a can of lager
My eyesight is coming back to normal
Ineedto getdrunk again
So I can pretend that when
I'm having sex with you
I'm actually having sex with Clodagh
Err which way does the condom go on?
Left or right?
Which hand?
Oh shit I've cum
If I insert abananaup my ass
Will it taste of chocolate custard?
I want love but a different kind
One with a pink dildo wedged up my fucking arse.
I eat my own earwax. I put it over my penis
As a cheap anal lube
One day I'll be famous as a corpse
@ Rebecca Cooper and Justin Roden
Fools
What am I, but a fool
If I see my worth stolen
What a lie to be fooled
What price to be right
What chance a hunch
When a fool am I
What lies discovered
What pride smashed
What price freedom
When a fool am I
What life is this
When dreams are torn
When love is crushed
What fool am I
Dust
Me, I am dust
All surrender
Footprints long gone
In a dried up town
Your town, any town
Breeze blown east
Towards the sunlight
Flowing in the wind
Me, I am
just
dust.
The trainer
Sat in a circle
Their mind to teach
Not to torture
Mine to skill
Not to humiliate
Mine to help
Not to
judge
Mine to care for
Not to insult
I am a teacher
Not a bully
.
Professional fight record ofAndrew Martin 'Judas'Revell
Aka Andrewski Martinez Revelations aka Spaznacker the Dung
Age 39
From Sproxton aka his mum's clit
Nickname 'You got beat up by a eirl aka El Chinny'
Titles won: Are you kidding?
Fight record: Bouts: 25 won:3 lost:20 drew:2 (hawthorne)
Knockouts: l(his dead ratAlice)
@ Justin Roden and Rebecca Cooper
Final face book messages between Rebecca cooper and Andy
Revell
April 2011
Rebecca cooper
Try this for heavens sake
Alcoholics anonymous
June 2011
ffi please at least read cos I fucking cant please read
before you delete fuck it
Becky clodagh shit becky
I apologise in advance because I have drank 4444444444444 cans of lager
on how eeeeeeeeeerrrrffraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaltttttttiiiiic
and alllllllllllllllllllllll
over the place this massage will seem cos I cant see the keys properly. But I
am in a state of shock having a wank . From what I have heard from matt or
was it hitler but I will try an explain what I have to say cos I am brain
damaged.
I am not really sorry that I let you down I let the air out
I have let you down so many tims before.I should of cum in u when I was
struggling wanking,but I am
tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooo
fucking stoupid to do it in the right hole.I know my
penis is tiny and dose not fillu up dat is noooooo excuse for a second,but I
am only an human chimpanzee . A monkey shit breath who loves to play war
hammer with every fruit and fiber of his being sick.
Right'left now it looks like I am in very real danger of losing u and being
homeless drinking out of a brown paper bag and sleeping on a park bench
and I cant stand the thought of having snow on my anus. we being fucking
for 3 years and being with u has been a blank cos I was smashed.fuck it
going for a one finger wank.
Iamfu ckingbraindamag ed
rpple.
Jul y 2011
Andy revell
I miss your money. I want us to find a place
and I bugger u up
August 2011
Rebecca cooper
Are u online?
August 20ll
Andy revell
I am at sharpe joe
reading janet
and
john
August 20ll
Andy revell
August 20lI
Rebecca cooper
Fuck offyou drunk retard
August 201 I
Aody revell
Ohh grow up I cant I am brain damaged
I am trying to eat air but your trying to be unpleasant for no shit I spilt my
lager
August 20ll
Rebecca cooper
So was you txting filth to me
August 20Ll
Andrew revell
What ever I am deleting u and wanking over my hand
August 20II
Rebecca cooper
Why what do u want?
August 20IL
Andy revell
oodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
August 20II
Rebecca cooper
Sent a picture
of a pig man aka peter marcel revell
August 2011
Andy revell
Daddy.......that' s
my dad
August 20lL
Rebecca cooper
Yea the inbred bastard
August 20Ll
Andrew revell
If there is a point skip to it or stab me ooooooooooooooooooooooowwww
my eye
August 20II
Rebecca cooper
Your being very nasty. childish, pathetic and basically being a revell.
You called my mom a hypocrite when in fact you my dear are my dear sad
lonely drunk the hypocrite. Having u live in moms house for two years and
this is how you treat her you drunk. Do not forget the 20 pound.
August 20lI
Andy revell
Ohh yea I am innocent in all this. I forgot I'm the one sending nasty text
messages, hacking my email addresses and deleting messages, ffid I know
you did that so don't try to bullshit me and say differently because I know
you did it. I wanted us to be friends, but you can forget it. Stay out of my life
Rebecca. I've met someone and I'm moving on with my life, I suggest you
do the same. ohh all the above is a lie anyhow dad told me to say it . He
wrote it in crayon . Can your dad let me have that seven thousand he saved
for you then I will fuck off.
August 20Lt
Rebecca cooper
Fuck offthen ......I know you being having sex with clodagh the Sproxton
bike because every syphilitic bastard has ridden it. Besides I have forgotten
your pathetic passwords
so please do not try to pin the blame on me
I hope you brain damaged self realise just
what you have lost . I was a caring
and loving woman before you a sad
,
drunk, hunchback spoiled it all and you
can see what you have done to me . You were a control freak who prevented
me to do a thing by myself destroying lives, of which cannot be fixed and
driven a wedge between my father and me
just
leave me alone now my
family and I have more important things to think and discuss about. Tell
your father to delete my number as I have done with yours and his.
August 20II
Andy revell
It is not clodagh actually once again your wrong.
Fuck you, I hope you like living under everyone else's thumbs.
August 2011
Justin roden
Andrew
Stop with all the vile outbursts to be honest I did expect this from a coward
like you . Rebecca has moved on pockets lighter, wiser, but more posative.
You was a negative a nasty shit stain on her life . Drew hawthorne or what
ever illusion you are today I hope your weak mind will cope with village life
because to cut to the chase you are the ultimate village idiot.
Andrew revell gave up and Justin and becky deleted and blocked him.
Crossroads
Sat in a chair, nowhere to go
My life in a shell, ruins around
Where to go, what to do
Only got one person to blame. You.
Sat at a crossroads
Nowhere to run, no place to turn
Except to reality
Want to be me, want to find me
Have choices, no courage
Then a voice deep inside
Said you got to carry on
You got to reach for the stars
You got to be you
So I reach as high as I could
To grasp the final ring
Want to be heard, want to be noticed
Want to prove I have something to say
Thank you for telling me to carry on
Thank you for giving me the will to move on
At the crossroads, yeah, always moving on.
Martin
It is one winter night, as I sat with Martin in his large spacious, but dark flat,
drinking a glass of brandy. He said,
ooDo
you ever think of what you would
do if you woke up dead?"
I smiled.
o'No
I never thought of bizarce things like that."
Mattin smiled. "Would you believe in ghosts?"
I frowned.
ooDon't
be silly at alI that hat. No such thing."
Martin picked up his glass of brandy and stared into my eyes.
"what if when you walked to mine and the people who walked past you, one
or two were, in fact, ghosts?"
I laughed and replied,
oooh
Martin. What a vivid mind you have, maybe the
brandy is talking."
Martin frowned. "I believe it, you know. Lr fact I am a ghost. This morning,
I woke up dead."
I laughed. He always teased me. He was always like this.
I replied, 'oYeah you are playing againMartin, I won't fall for it."
Martin smiled, sipped his brandy and said,
"How can I make you believe my
tale?"
I was starting to be convinced at this lunacy.
ooMartin."
I said,
"stop
your
drunken babbling. Besides this talk is not a thing to talk about anyhow.,,
Martin looked sad as he lay back, into the shadows of his chair.
He said 'oThis life, what is it that makes us blind to what we cannot see. in
fact is real?"
I felt sad for Martin, for he was an old friend. so I had to apologise.
ooMartin.
What's wrong?Are you ill?"
Martin smiled.
'Not anymore."
So now I wanted to know what was going on. I said "Martin. what's
wrong?"
Martin replied, "I died today. That's what."
I was scared. The hairs on my arms were standing on end, as I said,
,'But
if
you're dead, how come I can see you?"
Martin smiled.
"It's my last goodbye. Go into my bedroom, and say
"Goodbye, my old friend."
I stood up and walked to Martin's bedroom, with Martin sitting in his seat,
smiling at me.
I opened the door to his bedroom and saw in the dimly lit room, Martin lying
in his bed, as if asleep. But actually dead.
With atear in my eye, I closed the door and turned to the chair where Martin
had sat. The chair was empty, all but for a full brandy glass on the arm of the
chair.
Many years have passed, and I wonder one thing: was it Martin who had
come back as a
joke
from the dead? I guess the ultimate
joke
for a dear old
friend.
@ Justin Roden
Last emails between Bechy Cooper andAndy Revell. as rewritten by Justin
Roden and Beclcy Cooper
BechvAugust 13tr 2011
I no longer want to be with you, so I want a few things back. Fleas not
included.
2blankets (brown one and tiger one)
Pair of shoes (not your grandad's shit Desert Rat ones)
Important and unimportant letters
Nail polishes
And anything that isn't yours
Search all your drawers in your rooms and Clodagh's house.
Andy 13ft aug
Dis is getting a bit chdish noaw . Furst ov alllll u start sayinggg I am iliterut
and I cheatd on ya . Den yo tel peepul I cheted on yo and for dem to deleet
mi. noaw yoo r noking offJustin. Azif im sopost too caer? Gud lord reely?
Yoo REELY cudent gett sumbodi ur oan heyage . Luk ive met sumwon and
weer takin tings sloo becuz I am sloo. But its gowing reely
wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.
pipplepop sori fell
asleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppp on de kibored. I wonted to
beeeeeeeeeeeeeee yoooooooor frend I reely did butt den u started being a
complete
j*k.
I hav mooooved on wiv mi laif and dispit wot u tink ov mi
,
I
archly wisht yoo wel . Sew pliz stop saying I chitid on yoo, telling peepul I
did mi best to cuntroll yoo.becuz yoo and I boath no dat
just
a bleatent li and
moov on wif yoor lief.
BecKv
I still want my stuffback and dad says use that f20 thatyou owe him to send
the stuff back, andnot your semen infested tissue. Auction them offin
London.
Andy
Wen ive got da tym ill doo it and not be4
Beckv
You had the time today to sort it out yourazy motherfucker, oh sorry you
ain't got a mum.
Andy
Well as nice az it iz too no yoo caer abowt mi cummings and gowins iv bin
bioy tuday.
(Andy did nothing, but get the clap)
And]' 25ft Aug
Yoo r beyond the payul yoo no dat im a closit quiir dat I beet yoo and fourct
yoo in too gaye barc.lz dere sumting rong wiv yoo ? SEERIUSLEE dis iz
getting biy nd rediculus it reely iz .lhav nott bin gowin rownd spreding owt
ritelyz abowt yoo . In fat ive not evin bin torkin abowt yoo. Azfour da
biznis abowt Justin. I downt caer ether wai. Butt I spoke too hymn las weak
and he sed he hadent scene yoo in pusen in ova a yir
Reely beckey
jus
moov on wiv yoor leif becuz dis iz getin byond a
jk
now.
Bechv
LookAndy.Let's get it straight. All I want is my stuffback, nothing else. I
was at Justin's for the day on Wednesday and was in tears because I feel that
you are still messing with my head.
Get that sad cunt, Mr Todd, to get your rags and bring my stuffback period.
Yes Justin does love me, and is more mature than you could ever be.
Have you changed your number now?
Andy
How am I messin wiv yoor hed. Yoor da won gowing rownd saying I beet
yoo up and forct yoo in tow gaye barrs. Wot da fuc iz dat? Seriuslee gett
sum help nd moov on. Idoant caer hoo yoor nockin of nowwww . I
jus
feul
sori four da pour bastard.
Bechv
Harpreet has been to the police about you saying you wanted to have sex
with her, you paedophile.
So, if you have moved on like you claim you say you have, then why are
you still emailing me? What about these affairs with girls and guys?
And Justin's ex-missus that you were asking to have sex with? Including
Sean Midnight having a threesome with us? And the so-called girl you were
bragging about having sex with in the showers at Park Resorts? I'm actually
disgusted by this!! And that you like big boobed women when you kept
saying mine were 'perfect'?
How's your amputee gf btw?
You are so twisted,
just get your stuffand send mine back. And I never want
to see or hear from you again, you paedophile. If you do, there'llbe trouble.
And]' 26n Aug
Yoo apsoute harf wit. De only purson I slept wiv at park reorts woz YOO!!
Azfour dis harpreet ting, wot da hel. I neva sed dat! Mi god shes 4!!!! Yoo
alr Sirius lee fweistd. Orrganis a dai in Moulding an ill bring yoor stuf and
den I neva wont tow sea yoo agen.
Bechv aka Chris
Do you honestly think that Becky can bring your stuffback, because she will
have her stuffto come back, and there's more of hers than yours.
If you expect her to come to Melton I want my f,20 back.
It will cost her more to go to Melton, than it would for Mr Todd to bring her
stuffback.
Chris Cooper
Andy
Cris, azfare az I can tel der ar a few itims ov clofing sum buks an dats al der
iz asid form here litter.
I hav spokin two de polis an dey sed dey hav now reocord ov a mis harpreet
kangg reporting mi four ne fing andat if ne fing az seerius azwot beckey
acustd mi ov woz riportid I wud hav alrestd mi wivin won ower.
Dey did however imform mi dat wot beckey iz doin iz herasmint. However I
choz not to report it. I hav now problem payin yoo bak yoor muney, butt I
owt rite ifuzto travil two lester.
Bechv
Ok, Andrew. Me harassing you? It was you starting it last night.You even
said that you'd deleted everything of mine. And yet you are still contacting
me.
As for the Harpreet business you lied, you said it. Harpreet chose not to
report you.
I have no intention of going to Melton because it is a lot of money. And I
will have to bring much back on the bus. I don't get as much money as you.
Mastard
sorry crack attackwoy u saaaaaay
Bechv
I am not harassing
you. Look all I'm asking for is my stuffback.
Listen
you
crack head.
yo.,
,i.5aged me first last night. You don't seem to realise at all
the cost to Melton Mowbray and back'
Look
just get my stuffback
to me and then no more contact' EVER!!!!
I will
change my email when
you have sent my stuffback'
Andy 27fr Aue
Rtght,
y"" *. harassing
me. saying things like 'oh you wanled to fuck
nu6t."t. An shes gowiig to da poti3. And I tink
yooll find YOO messegd
me
furst. And now;ni
p"ttiby coinsidens
the
job centre r investigatin
mi and
my benefits hav bin-stped.
Yoo go two farr. When mi muney stares cumming
in agen wich I reely havbnow ide wen, I wil send
yoor stuf in a parsil
'
Befor
the f,arpreet ting, I wood hav considerd
four giving yoo, maybee evin triying
to bild a fren ship but now I neva wanna se or here from
yoo agen
Andy 10ft Sept
I k""*
y"" p-bly neva wanted to here from mi agen especially
aftathe wai
everythin .rraiO Gt*..r, us. But I
just wante{Jo
chek
yoou were OK today'
Yoo doant evin hav to repli. Id undastand
that if yoo dint and I expect a fuk
yoo if yoo did. Etha wai ill leave yoo a loan'
Andy 12th Sept
Doo yoo want
yoor stuf bak or wot? I heard wot yoo sed abowt mi bi da wai'
Yoo ar skumm.
Andy 25ft Sept
Las chans : organiz a daio11 nex fridai its gowin to a charity shoppe'
Fi
u
d-up with your bullying
and.ggstering
of
gecky
and her family. with her stuff, stick itup your arse' I will be replacing
- ^t -
;;;;ffi"t
V""
tt*e, as you are not all the way there. You need to seek
help with the state of iOUn mind. To be honest I think
you lost the plot
i
Rebecca Cooper
@ 2011 Optical Artists in the Dark
Justin Roden
This is the very first book of Optical Artists in the Dark. It combines poems
and stories, and atale ofAndrew Revell. We hope that this will be the first of
many, and we hope that you enjoy our efforts.
Matt Cooper
f
&^A1 rct)Ll l
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ol ro.ul ,^-ts
cusl l <
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