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The One With Joeys New Brain

Monica: So thanks for coming by you guys we just wanted to


bounce a few ideas off of you about the wedding ceremony.
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh
Ross: Whats the matter? You okay?
Rachel: Yeah its just yknow
Chandler: (!o "oss) #onica said wedding.
Monica: $h so anyway we thought one of you cou%d read
something during the ceremony.
Rachel: Oh& ' wou%d %o(e to read a )oem.
Chandler: *o you think you cou%d get through a )oem?
Rachel: (crying) 't%% be a short one.
Monica: Okay so "oss wi%% be doing the reading.
Rachel: Ohhh
Ross: Okay. Yeah ' guess ' guess ' wi%% do that too.
Chandler: !oo?
Ross: Yeah ' kind of uh ha(e something e%se )%anned for
you guys.
Monica: *o you mind te%%ing us what it is?
Ross: Sorry 'm kinda kee)ing this one on the +.!.
Chandler: We%% whate(er it is ' ho)e it in(o%(es winking.
(Winks in a s)y,ty)e manner.)
Joey: (entering e-cited) .ey&
All: .ey&
Joey: So ' just ta%ked to one of the *OO/ writers today and
Monica: What is *OO/?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. 0nyway youre not gonna be%ie(e
it& #y character is coming out of his coma&&
All: Oh&&
Chandler: !hats great&
Joey: 0nd,and,and not on%y that 'm gettin a new brain&&
Chandler: So great things are ha))ening at work and in your
)ersona% %ife&
Rachel: Wait what do you mean youre getting a new brain?
Joey: Oh we%% theyre ki%%ing off one of the characters on the
show and when she dies her brain is being trans)%anted into
my body.
Ross: What? 0 brain trans)%ant?&
Joey: (serious%y) Yes its a high%y contro(ersia% )rocedure.
Ross: 'ts ridicu%ous&
Joey: We%% ' think its ridicu%ous that you ha(ent had se- in
three and a ha%f months.
Ross: (to #onica and "ache%) 'ts winter they are fewer
)eo)%e on the street. ("ache% and #onica smi%e and nod
knowing%y.)
Monica: Who are they ki%%ing off?
Joey: $h 1eci%ia #onroe she )%ays 2essica /ockhart.
Rachel and Monica: 3oo&&
Monica: Shes my fa(orite character on *OO/.
Joey: 3ice.
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in )eo)%es faces '
mean ' dont think '(e e(er seen her finish a be(erage.
Monica: 0nd the way she s%a)s a%% the time&
Rachel: Oh&
Monica: Wou%dnt you %o(e to do it just once?& ("aises her
hand towards 1hand%er.)
Chandler: *ont do it.
Rachel: 1eci%ia #onroe man what a great actress.
Joey: Oh te%% me about it. 0nd shes been on the show
fore(er its gonna be rea%%y hard to fi%% her shoes.
Ross: Yeah,yeah he%) me out here when you come out of
the 4brain trans)%ant4 you are going to be her?
Joey: Yes but in *rake "emorays body. ("oss %aughs
unbe%ie(ab%y.) Why is this so hard for you to get? ' thought
you were a scientist&
Opening Credits
5Scene 67 8hoebe and "ache% sitting on the couch in 1entra%
8erk9
Phoebe: (1%ears !hroat) "ach so that guy there. Straight or
gay?
Rachel: (!hey both %ook behind them.) We%% ':d ha(e to say
gay.
Phoebe: Yeah? Why?
Rachel: We%% main%y because he:s kissing that other guy.
Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. !hat guy right
there. (8ointing to an attracti(e man sitting at a tab%e behind
them.)
Rachel: Oh yeah he:s too cute to be straight.
Phoebe: (0 woman with %arge breasts wa%ks in the door) Ohh
knockers wi%% he%) us figure it out. (She wa%ks by and he
checks her out.)
Rachel: 0%% right straight and not subt%e. (!he man gets u)
and %ea(es.)
Phoebe: Ohh he %eft his ce%% )hone.
Rachel: Oh we%% we can hand it to ;unther and he:%% )ut it in
%ost and found.
Phoebe: Or we cou%d use it to ca%% 1hina. See how those guys
are doing.
Rachel: What if um if he ca%%s his own ce%% )hone to find out
who found it and ' answer and we start ta%king and we fe%% in
%o(e. ' mean wou%dn:t that be a great story? <ind of %ike a fairy
ta%e for the digita% age.
Phoebe: Yeah !hat does sound great. ':m going to get the
)hone. (!hey both get u).)
Rachel: What? Wait& Whywhy do you get the story?
Phoebe: ' don:t know. ' ha(en:t been out on a date in so %ong.
Rachel: 8hoebe you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe: !hat wasnt a date& !hat was that was just friends
getting together(=uiet%y) ha(ing se-.
Rachel: Okay. Okay see? ' get the )hone.
Phoebe: 3o way& 3o way& You !st broke with !ag a week
ago.
Rachel: Yeah& (>reaking u)) 0nd unti% now ' didnt think 'd
%o(e again.
Phoebe: 3ice try.
Rachel: Oh hey,hey wait& .ow do we fair%y decide who gets
the )hone?
Phoebe: ' dont know.
(!hey edge c%oser to the )hone on the tab%e.)
Rachel: We%% umm maybe we cou%d uhh (;rabs the )hone)
0h,ha& !oo s%ow&&
(She ho%ds the )hone out and starts taunting 8hoebe. 8hoebe
ca%ming knocks the )hone out of "ache%s hand and catches
it.)
Phoebe: 0h,ha& !oo cocky&
5Scene ?7 Si%(ercu) Studios 2oey is watching 2essica
/ockhart )erform a scene.9
"ina: 'm going to kee) dating him #other and theres
nothing you can do about it&
Jessica #oc$hart: Oh yes there is&
"ina: What are you going to do? <i%% him? /ike you did with
1har%es?&
Jessica #oc$hart: (gas)s) !hat was an accident& 0nd so
were you.
"ina: We%% at %east 'm not a murderer& (2essica s%a)s her.)
Jessica #oc$hart: (crying) Oh my baby& (.ugs *ina but
mo(es *inas head to her other shou%der so that shes the
on%y one in the )icture.)
The "irector: 1ut&
(2oey wa%ks u) to 1eci%ia #onroe who )%ays 2essica.)
Joey: !hat was a great scene& 0nd,and,and that s%a) %ooks
so rea%& .ow do you do that?
Cecilia: Oh just years of e-)erience.
"ina: (crying) 1an ' get some ice here?&
Joey: Oh anyway ' just wanted to say how wonderfu% ' think
you are.
Cecilia: Youre not the fan whos dying are you?
Joey: Say what?
Cecilia: 'm su))osed to meet and hug a fan whose dying but
thats not su))osed to be unti% (to no one in )articu%ar) %ater&
Joey: 3o. 3o 'm 2oey !ribbiani@ we did a scene together
yesterday. ','m the guy in the coma&
Cecilia: Oh that was a rea% )erson?&
Joey: 0n,an,anyway ',' just wanted to say that since 'm
getting your brain when you %ea(e the show ' was wondering
if there was any ti)s you can gi(e me
Cecilia: ',','m %ea(ing the show?
Joey: (=uick%y) ' dont know. Why? *id you hear something?
Cecilia: Who to%d you that?
Joey: Oh uh one of the writers.
Cecilia: Which one? Was it ba%d or was it ta%%?
Joey: $mm
Cecilia: Yknow what? 't doesnt matter& >ecause it is not
true&
Joey: Okay.
Cecilia: 0nd if it were true how dare you come to me ask me
for ti)s about a character that '(e been )%aying for 6A yearsB
'%% gi(e you a ti)& (She throws her drink in his face.)
Joey: #s. #onroe (She s%a)s him) Oh there you go. (She
storms off %ea(ing 2oey standing ne-t to *ina. !hey share a
nod at the ferocity of the s%a) they just recei(ed.)
5Scene C7 1entra% 8erk 8hoebe and "ache% are sti%% arguing
o(er the )hone.9
Rachel: 3o 8hoebe& You cannot get the )hone that way@
thats not fair& Okay %ook ' ha(e an idea. Why dont we why
dont we see what kind of number he has on his s)eed dia%
and then from that we can te%% who has more in common with
him. 0nd then whoe(er does gets the )hone.
Phoebe: Or we can decide by whose e(er name is c%oser to
the word )hone.
Rachel: ' dont think so.
Phoebe: (handing "ache% the )hone) Dine a%% right but 'd bet
youd be singing another tune if we were fighting o(er a
ratchet.
Rachel: (checking the s)eed dia%) 0%% right first name on the
s)eed dia% is mom.
Phoebe: Ohh ' %ost my mom to suicide.
Rachel: Okay no way you cannot use that to get the cute guy
and the %ast b%ueberry muffin.
Phoebe: *id ' use that a%ready today? 'm sorry.
Rachel: Yes okay. (1hecking the s)eed dia% again.) We%% now
see this isnt te%%ing us anything. ("eading the s)eed
dia%) 2oe. Yoga >en.
Phoebe: Wait Yoga& ' do Yoga& !hat:s one for me.
Rachel: 0%% right. Oh so c%ose. 'f on%y it said
yogurt. *a(id. 8eter. Ooh& 8eter /uger& !hat:s a steak house&
Phoebe: Okay a meat eater. Dine thats one for you.
Rachel: (%ooking at the s)eed dia%) Oh ' win& .es
got Barneys on his s)eed dia%.
Phoebe: So you dont know thats Barneys the store& !hat
can be yknow his friends house or a bar. Who
has Barneys the store on their s)eed dia%?
Rachel: (showing 8hoebe her )hone) .is new gir%friend&
5Scene E7 #onica and 1hand%er:s #onica and 1hand%er are
eating %unch when they start to hear a horrib%e screeching
noise. 't sounds %ike someone is skinning a cat.9
Monica: What is that?
Chandler: ' think its the dying cat )arade.
Monica: 't sounds %ike its coming from across the street.
Chandler: (turning around and %ooking) Oh my ;od&
Monica: What?
Chandler: Yknow that thing that "oss was gonna do at our
wedding?& .e was hanging out with me yesterday and he
turned to me and said 4Youre ha%f Scottish right?4
Monica: 3ooo&&
Chandler: Yes&&
51ut to "osss a)artment as he is )%aying the bag)i)es
bad%y he turns the music )age. .es worse than that who%e
keyboard thing a few years ago.9
Co%%ercial Brea$
5Scene7 #onica and 1hand%er:s scene continued from
ear%ier. !hey both get u) and mo(e to the window.9
Monica: 3o there is no way& 't can not be "oss& (She %ooks
through the window and sees "oss )racticing and fumb%ing
around with the )i)es.) $nbe%ie(ab%e& Why is your fami%y
Scottish?&
Chandler: Why is your fami%y Ross?&
Monica: .e cannot )%ay at our wedding& ' mean e(eryone wi%%
%ea(e& 't:%% be %ike when he ra))ed at my >ar #itF(ah.
Chandler: /ook we can:t just te%% him no okay. .e:s )robab%y
been )racticing fore(er. .e:%% be crushed.
Monica: #aybe there:s some way we can te%% him without
hurting his fee%ings. ' mean come on that is just noise& 'ts not
e(en a song&
Chandler: 'f you %isten (ery carefu%%y ' think
its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.
In the edited version, scene 6 and scene 7 are switched
around.
&5Scene G7 8hoebe:s a)artment 8hoebe is )utting out some
Sunf%ower seeds as "ache% enters.9&
Rachel: .i 8heebs&
Phoebe: .i&
Rachel: .ow are ya?
Phoebe: ;ood.
Rachel: $mm 8heebs remember when we were in the coffee
house we decided that ' was going to kee) the uh the cute
guys ce%% )hone?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: 0nd remember how ' said ' was going to kee) it in
my )urse so that if it rang ' cou%d just )ick it u)?
Phoebe: Yeah&
Rachel: 0nd do you remember going into my )urse and
stea%ing the )hone?&
Phoebe: Ooh now you %ost me.
Rachel: You sto%e the )hone&
Phoebe: 3o ' didnt&
Rachel: 3o? So youre saying that if ' ca%%ed it it wou%dnt
ring?
Phoebe: 3o.
Rachel: $mm okay. >ut whi%e you dia% %et me show you the
features of my new ringing handbag. ("ache% dia%s her )hone
and 8hoebes bag starts to ring.) Oh it does work& ("ache%
grabs the )hone and takes it out of 8hoebes handbag.)
Rachel: 8hoebe&
Phoebe: !hat is a different )hone.
Rachel: Oh is it?& (She answers the cute guys )hone.) $hh
he%%o? (On her )hone) Yes hi is "ache% there? (On the other
)hone) Yes she is just one moment )%ease. (!o 8hoebe
ho%ding out both )hones.) 'ts for me&
Phoebe: !hat is damning e(idence.
(!he cute guys )hone rings.)
Rachel: Oh my ;od& ' bet thats him. #y digita% fairy ta%e is
about to begin. ' wonder how ' shou%d be? Shou%d ' be uh ('n a
se-y (oice) .e%%o? Or shou%d ' be (.a))i%y) .i& 'ts
"ach (8hoebe knocks the )hone out of "ache%s hand
catches it and answers it.) Wou%d you sto) doing that?&
Phoebe: (on )hone) .e%%o? (/istens) Yes 'm the one who
found your )hone.
Rachel: 8hoebe& You cant do th
Phoebe: (!o "ache%) Shhh& 'm on a ca%%& (On )hone) $mm
we%% yeah you can )ick it u) tonight say H7?A? 0t,at my
a)artment. 'ts umm its umm E #orton Street 0)artment IC
umm and then maybe yknow after we can grab a bite to eat
or whate(er. (/istens) Okay we%% okay '%% see you then.
(/istens) >ye. (.angs u).)
Rachel: You do know that ' wi%% be here when he comes o(er.
Phoebe: Oh? 0nd how wi%% you know what time to come
o(er?
Rachel: You just said it&
Phoebe: Oh. Okay we%% ',' was kinda ho)ing that ' wou%d
justbe a%one yknow to think about my mom and her suicide.
Rachel: Oh 8hoebe&
Phoebe: What?& !hats the first time today&
Rachel: Ohh& (J-its.)
&5Scene K7 Si%(ercu) Studios *ina is at the craft ser(ices
tab%e getting some food as 2oey wa%ks u).9&
Joey: So you %ike the nachos uh? #yse%f 'm )artia% to
"ina: (interru)ting) 'm IG.
Joey: See you in 6AA?. (She wa%ks away.)
Cecilia: (wa%king u)) Youre abso%ute%y right they are writing
me out of the show. !hey dont know e-act%y when its going
to ha))en but a))arent%y going to be (ery soon and thats it.
Joey: 'm so sorry. /ook if it was u) to me you wou%d ne(er
%ea(e the show.
Cecilia: Yeah thanks.
Joey: 3o ' mean it& ' cant be%ie(e they wou%d do this to you&
0nd to your fans& ' mean they are going to be de(astated&
.eart broken& !hey %o(e you so much&
Cecilia: Oh youre right. !hank you& Whats your name again?
Joey: 2oey.
Cecilia: 2oey we%% thank you. !hat is so sweet. Oh e-cuse
me. (She throws her drink on a )assing writer.)
The Writer: 't wasnt my decision&
Cecilia: (to him) 'm ha(ing a con(ersation here& (!o 2oey)
You were saying?
Joey: $h yeah,ye,ye,ye,ye,yeB%,%,%,%,%,%ook the,the,the on%y
reason that ' that ' came u) to you before was because we%%
'm rea%%y ner(ous about,about being you. Yknow if you can
he%) me ca)ture the essence of the character. Yknow? .e%)
me kee) 2essica a%i(e. 8%ease?
Cecilia: 0%% right 2oey ' wi%% he%) you. 3ot because ',' owe it to
this st!pid show but because ' owe it to 2essica.
Joey: Oh thats great& Oh thank you so much&
Cecilia: Youre so we%come.
Joey: .ey& 3ow '(e been watching some ta)es hows this?
('n a >ritish accent.) 42essica /ockhart wi%% ne(er ste) foot in
this )%ace again& J(er&&4
Cecilia: 's that su))osed to be me?
Joey: Yeah.
Cecilia: Yeah but 2essica doesnt ha(e an Jng%ish accent.
Joey: (shocked) ' can do an Jng%ish accent?& !hat babys
going on my resume&
In the edited version, Scene 8 and Scene 9 are switched
around, with a commercial break after Scene 9.
&5Scene H7 1entra% 8erk #onica and 1hand%er are sitting on
the couch. "oss is sitting on the armchair.9&
Chandler: We%% ' fee% %ike a snack&
Monica: *o you want some shortbread? Jh thats Scottish
%ike you are.
Chandler: Oh no thanks. ' dont %ike any thing from my
Scottish heritage.
Ross: What?&
Chandler: We%% its just my entire fami%y was run out of
Scot%and byLikings. 0nyway %ots of bad memories. (#akes
a few uninte%%igib%e noises.)
Ross: Oh we%% it sounds to me %ike your fami%y is ready to uh
redisco(er its Scottish roots.
Monica: 3o& 3o,no theyre not. !heyre sti%% (ery angry& >ut
yknow 1hand%er is a%so ha%f,Swedish. You know what the
Swedish )eo)%e are famous for? Sitting down and being =uiet.
Ross: We%% yeah,yeah the Scottish history is so much more
Monica: (interru)ting) You can not )%ay bag)i)es at the
wedding&&
Ross: .ow did you know about that?&
Chandler: We heard you )%ay a%% the way from your
a)artment&
Ross: Were you the ones ca%%ed the co)s?&
Chandler: !hats not rea%%y im)ortant right now. What is
im)ortant is@ whi%e we a))reciate the gesture we just dont
fee% bag)i)es are a))ro)riate for our wedding.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: >ecause we hate them.
Ross: 1ome on thats not fair& ' mean you ha(ent e(en heard
me )%ay&
Chandler: We ha'e heard you )%ay.
Ross: 3o you(e heard my )ractice. Okay? 2ust,just gi(e me
a chance to )erform for you and then decide whate(er you
want. 0nd 'm not going to te%% you what song 'm gonna )%ay
either. >ut uh %ets just say when its o(er '%% bet there wi%% be
a we bit o ce%ebration.
&5Scene M7 Si%(ercu) Studios 2oey is getting )ointers on how
to )%ay 2essica /ockhart.9&
Cecilia: So the essence of the character is rooted in her
confidence. So when 2essica enters a room for instance she
owns e(erything and e(ery )erson in that room. (2oey is
nodding.) You try.
Joey: Okay& (.e scurries out the set door and re,enters
e-treme%y im)ressed) 0%% right&
Cecilia: 3o he a%ready knows that he owns e(erything in the
room& .es not finding it out for the first time& So try it again.
Joey: Okay. Okay. (.e goes out and comes back in g%aring
at e(erything.)
Cecilia: "ight. .es not mad at the room either. !ry it again
he owns it& .e owns the room. 't is his. .e owns owns
owns owns the room& .e owns it&& (2oey gets a snooty %ook
on his face.) 0%% right its a %itt%e weird but its getting better.
(2oey is )%eased.) Oh we%% 'm gonna miss this woman so
much. ' dont know what 'm going to do& ' mean its been 6A
years of my %ife.
Joey: Oh we%%B.ey,hey& #aybe maybe uh maybe this is a
good thing. Yknow? 't%%,it%% gi(e you a chance to shake things
u) )%ay different characters. Youre so ta%ented.
Cecilia: ' am. ' am but ' dont know you know. 0n actor of a
certain age is not that easy.
Joey: .ey thats not true& /ook at uh %ook at 0nge%a /ansbB
0nge%ina 2o%ie&
Cecilia: ' )robab%y shou%d(e just %eft years ago when the
offers were )ouring in but yknow ' just got so comfy here&
0nd Ohh ' turned down some amaFing work&
Joey: /ike,%ike what?
Cecilia: We%% %ets just say if ' %eft IE years ago the %andsca)e
of #e-ican cinema wou%d be (ery different today&
Joey: (im)ressed) Wow&
Cecilia: >ut We%% now nows a different time for me. (Starts
to cry.)
Joey: Oh hey come on dont,dont,dont do this& $mm %ook
%et,%et me te%% you something okay? 3ow when ' watch you do
a scene 'm thinking 4>oy she,she is a great actress&4 (Shes
not buying it.) $h but,but ' am a%so thinking 4She is hot&4
Cecilia: (intrigued) You think 'm hot?
Joey: You own the room. (She smi%es and stares %onging%y
into his eyes.) We shou%d )robab%y get,get uh
Cecilia: Oh yeah,yeah we shou%d get the (8ause) So when
2essica kisses a man she usua%%y )uts umm both her hands
on the mans face. (She does so.)
Joey: Yeah,yeah ' noticed that& 's that Ncause shes so
)assionate?
Cecilia: 3o& 'ts because that way the camera on%y sees her&
(She takes her hands off his face.) *o you wanna try it?
Joey: Yeah& Okay. (.e )uts his hands on her face and they
kiss.)
Cecilia: !hat was good that was rea%%y good. >ut ',' think
your hands maybe a %itt%e off they shou%d be maybe right
%ike (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him
)assionate%y causing them to fa%% onto the couch.)
Co%%ercial Brea$
()cene * +ollows,
5Scene IA7 8hoebe:s a)artment 8hoebe and "ache% are
waiting for the cute guy to show u) for his ce%% )hone. "ache%
is )utting on )erfume by s)raying it ahead of her face and
mo(ing into it. 8hoebe tries to stea% some.9
Rachel: .ey& .ey&
(!here is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe and Rachel: (simu%taneous%y) Who is it?
-!y: .i& 'ts !om 'm here to )ick u) the )hone.
("ache% e-cited%y jum)s u) and heads for the door.)
Phoebe: Whoa& Why do you get to answer the door?
Rachel: We%% why shou%dnt '?&
Phoebe: >ecause its my a)artment&
Rachel: We%% then ' get to gi(e him the ce%% )hone.
Phoebe: Okay. 0%% right. (.ands her the )hone.) ;ood %uck
e-)%aining a%% the ca%%s to 1hina.
(8hoebe o)ens the door and !om an o%der gent%eman with
white hair enters.)
To%: .i&
Phoebe: (!o "ache%) Wow& .ow %ong were we arguing for?
Rachel: (%aughs) Youre not the man who %eft the ce%% )hone.
To%: 3o thats my assistant.
Rachel: 's,is he coming? (/ooks ho)efu%%y out the door.)
To%: $mm no.
Phoebe: 1ou%d you,cou%d you umm gi(e us one second?
To%: Sure&
Rachel: We%% be right back sir.
To%: Sure.
(!hey wa%k into the %i(ing room.)
Phoebe: Wh,what do we do?
Rachel: ' dont know&
Phoebe: 1an you be%ie(e this? ("ache% e-ha%es in
amaFement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an e(en
hotter one shows u)&
Rachel: ' know& ("ea%iFes what 8hoebe said.) What?&
Phoebe: .mm they just dont %a$e Nem %ike that anymore&
Rachel: (turning and %ooking at !om again) 3o,no they do
but you just ha(e to wait.
Phoebe: "ache% %istenB' mean if you %et me ha(e him then '
wi%% really owe you one.
Rachel: (fake disa))ointment) 0%% right. 0%% right 8hoebe ' wi%%
%et you ha(e him but you owe me@ you owe me big&
Phoebe: Yeah& Youre such a great friend&
Rachel: Ohh
To%: So which one of you %o(e%y %adies am ' going to take to
dinner huh?
Phoebe: Oh thatd be me. Sir. (.ands him the ce%% )hone.)
0fter you.
To%: Okay. Okay. (J-its and 8hoebe checks him out.)
Phoebe: (whis)ering) 3ice&
5Scene II7 2oey and "ache%:s 1eci%ia is entering the %i(ing
room from 2oeys room fo%%owed by 2oey.9
Cecilia: We%% you certain%y own that room.
Joey: 0ctua%%y ' rent the who%e )%ace and ' just got what you
meant. !hank you.
(She %aughs as "ache% enters.)
Rachel: .i.
Joey: .ey&
("ache% sto)s dead in her tracks when she sees whom 2oey
is with.)
Rachel: Oh my ;od& Oh my ;od&& Ohh 2essica /ockhart&& 'n
my a)artment&& ' am such a huge fan& ' am such a huge fan&
Cecilia: We%% its nice to know that you
Rachel: (screaming) MON.CA&&&& MON.CA&&&& ("uns to
#onicas.)
Joey: !hat uh that is my roommate "ache%.
Cecilia: Oh that e-)%ains a%% the womens underwear.
Joey: (shrugs) Sure. Ye).
Monica: (entering with "ache%) Oh my ;od& 'ts true&& Oh my
;od you are so amaFing& Oh my ;od can ' just ask you to do
me oh just one fa(or?
Cecilia: 1ertain%y.
Monica: Wou%d you s%a) me? Wou%d you s%a) me right here in
the face?& (8oints to her cheek.)
Cecilia: 'd %o(e to but my %awyer said ' cant do that
anymore.
Rachel: ;od. You seem rea%%y rea%%y nice.
Joey: Okay bye,bye.
Rachel: ' mean n,not,not fake at a%% %ike most famous )eo)%e.
Joey: 0%% right here we go. (.e grabs them and starts to )u%%
them out of the a)artment.)
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait just one more thing& One
more minute& (!o 1eci%ia) $mm youre a stu)id bitch.
Cecilia: ' rea%%y cant s%a) you. (#onica wa%ks away angri%y)
Rachel: You are so beautifu%.
Monica: 3ice to meet you& #y -od youre great&
Joey: !hanks for sto))ing by. See ya& (!hrows them out and
c%oses the door.) (!o 1eci%ia) ',' am so sorry. '
Cecilia: Oh no,no,no,no being adored. 'm used to it dont
worry about it.
Joey: (notices something in the mai% that "ache% brought in)
Oh my ;od&
Cecilia: What?
Joey: !hey sent me todays scri)t& !hey ne(er send the
scri)t&
Cecilia: !hey dont?
Joey: We%% no 'm just in a coma. !his must mean ' ha(e
%ines& ("ea%iFes what that means.) Oh
Cecilia: .ow does it ha))en?
Joey: (f%i))ing to the %ast )age) Jw you get thrown from a
horse into an e%ectric fence.
Cecilia: 0h what?& 2essica hates horses&
Joey: Yeah we%% 'm guessing after this shes not going to be
craFy about e%ectricity either.
In the edited version Scene 12 and 13 are switched
around with Scene 12 bein the !ndin "a.
5Scene I67 #onica and 1hand%er:s "ache% 8hoebe
1hand%er and #onica ha(e gathered to hear "oss )erform
his inter)retation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the
bag )i)e.9
Ross: now remember you ha(e to imagine me in a ki%t.
Rachel: (gigg%es) (!o "oss) ' can imagine you in a short )%aid
skirt and knee socks.
Ross: (!o "ache%) *o you wanna start te%%ing secrets?
Rachel: 3o&
Ross: (stands u)) 3ow umm remember 'm sti%% %earning.
(0s he )re)ares to start he makes se(era% horrib%e noises that
scares "ache% into retreat.)
Ross: One two three four&
(.e starts. 0nd we%% Celebration was ne(er meant to be
)%ayed on the bag)i)e so e(en the best bag )i)e )%ayers in
the wor%d wou%d ha(e troub%e with that )articu%ar song. So of
course for a beginner %ike "oss it sounds abso%ute%y dreadfu%.
!he assemb%ed audience minus 8hoebe are horrified.
8hoebe immune to bad music seems to enjoy it.)
Ross: You know the song& Sing a%ong&
("oss resumes )%aying this time accom)anied by 8hoebe
screeching out Js in tune with "oss. Whi%e 8hoebe is singing
a%ong "ache% is ha(ing a (ery difficu%t time kee)ing a straight
face. >oth "oss: bag)i)e )%aying and 8hoebe:s singing are
shortened in the Jdited e)isode. !hankfu%%y "oss gi(es u)
after a %itt%e whi%e.)
Ross: So?
Monica and Chandler: 3o&
("oss throws the bag)i)es down in disgust.)
5Scene I?7 Si%(ercu) Studios. 1eci%ia is watching the scene
where *ina and Dredrick are ce%ebrating 2essicas horrib%e
accident by drinking cham)agne on the monitor as they are
shooting the scene.9
"ina: /oosening the sadd%e on mothers horse was bri%%iant
Dredrick. 0nd the e%ectric fence ins)ired.
+redric$: !hank you sweetheart. (!hey c%ink g%asses.)
"ina: ' cant be%ie(e shes rea%%y gone. /ook around you a%% of
this is ours. (!hey mo(e into kiss but@ theyre sto))ed by 2oey
entering with a huge bandage wra))ed around his head.)
Joey: (as 2essica) ' dont think so.
"ina: Who are you?&
Jessica #oc$hart: Whats the matter *ina? *ont you
recogniFe your own (*oes a hair f%i)) mother?&
The "irector: 1ut& !hat was great e(erybody& !hank you&
Cecilia: (running out to 2oey) !hat was so wonderfu%& (.ugs
him) Ohh ' think that youre a better 2essica than ' e(er was&
Joey: Oh noo
Cecilia: We%% of course not but you were (ery good.
Joey: !hanks&
Cecilia: 0nd guess what? ;ood news& ' got another job&
Joey: ;reat& .ey& 0%% right& We%%,we%% what is it?&
Cecilia: 0 fi%m in ;uada%ajara&
Joey: !he air)ort?
Cecilia: 3o thats /a ;uardia. (2oey nods in recognition.) !his
is #e-ico.
Joey: Ohh. Wow& We%% how,how how wi%% you be gone?
Cecilia: Jight months.
Joey: !hats a rea%%y %ong time.
Cecilia: Yeah but you can come and (isit me. ' bet that you
cou%d uh own a few )%aces down there.
Joey: We%% ' te%% ya ' shou%d )robab%y buy a )%ace in the city
first. ("ea%iFes.) 0nd ' just got what you meant againB!hat is
B' te%% ya that is a tricky one&
Cecilia: !hat is a tricky one. We%% 2oey ' rea%%y wanna thank
you. You(e we%% you made a (ery difficu%t time for me a %itt%e
%ess )ainfu%.
Joey: ;ood %uck.
Cecilia: You too.
(!hey kiss and both )ut their hands on the others face %ike
2essica wou%d do.)
To bounce something off someone
Wink: blink
To kill off:
Knockers: com grande peitos
Be out in a date:
Brake up:
Write out of something:
Going on my resume:
Go into my purse:
To pick up:
Grab a bite to eat:
Come over: vir, proteger;
hake things up:
!ouring in:
To run out of: ficar sem, esgotar
"ou o#e me big

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