Chapter 10

The Nature of Intimate Relationships

1. Intimate Relationships Require Deep Commitment
a. Intimacy: significant emotional closeness that you experience in a relationship.
b. Most of us are more committed to our intimate relationships than we are to our other
relationships.
i. Commitment: the desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens.
ii. When people are committed to each other, they assume they have a future together.
1. Important because most intimate relationships experience conflict and
distress from time to time. And the belief that our relationship will survive
them is what allows us to deal with those difficult times.
c. Our intimate relationships usually include some level of emotional commitment, a sense of
responsibility for each others feelings and emotional well-being.
d. Intimate relationships also involve a level of social commitment, which motivates us to
spend time together, to compromise, to be generous with praise, and to avoid petty conflict.
i. Ex: spending time with a partners friends or family members.
e. Intimate relationships are bound by legal and financial commitments, which are more
formal expressions of peoples obligations to each other.
i. Ex: parents have a legal responsibility to provide housing, food, clothing, health care,
and education for their children who are minors.
f. Commitment can be taken too far.
i. According to Cupach and Spitzberg, intimate relationships are healthy and satisfying
only if both partners desire approximately the same level of connection and
interaction with each other.
1. When one partner expresses a substantially higher level of interest in the
relationship than the other, the result can be obsessive relational intrusion
(ORI).
a. Can occur between strangers or within the context of an established
relationship.
b. Can occur in face-to-face contexts as well as online (cyber stalking).
2. Intimate Relationships Foster Interdependence
a. Interdependence: a state in which each persons behaviors affect everyone else in the
relationship.
i. The essence of interdependence is the idea that our actions influences other
peoples lives as much as they influence their own.
1. Ex: how parents use their time and money depends not only on themselves
but also on their childrens needs.
b. Almost all relationships have some measure of interdependence. What distinguishes
intimate relationships is their degree of interdependence.
i. Romantic and familial relationships have a higher level of interdependence.
3. Intimate Relationships Require Continuous Investment
a. Investment: commitments of ones energies and other resources we put into our
relationships, particularly resources such as time, money, and attention.
i. We also expect to benefit from that investment but know we cannot retrieve the
resources weve dedicated to the relationship if it comes to an end.
ii. Research show that romantic partners are happiest when they feel they are both
investing in their relationship to the same degree.
4. Intimate Relationships Spark Dialectical Tensions
a. Dialectical Tensions: conflicts between two important but opposing needs or desires.
i. Researchers believe that dialect tensions are a normal part of any close,
interdependent relationship and that they become problematic only when people
fail to manage them properly.
b. Autonomy Versus Connection
i. Autonomy: the feeling of wanting to be ones own person.
ii. Connection: the desire to be close to others.
iii. People often experience this tension with their children, especially as children enter
adolescence.
c. Openness Versus Closedness
i. Openness: the desire for disclosure and honesty.
ii. Closedness: the desire to keep certain facts, thoughts, or ideas to oneself.
d. Predictability Versus Novelty
i. Predictability: the desire for consistency and stability.
ii. Novelty: the desire for fresh, new experiences.
e. Strategies for Managing Dialectical Tensions (all have positive and negative aspects; which
one you use depends on the tension and relationship)
i. Denial: involves responding to only one side of the tension and ignoring the other.
1. Might be able to do this for a little while, but if you have a strong desire for
both it will get hard to ignore the other side.
ii. Disorientation: involves escaping the tension entirely by ending the relationship.
1. Happens when one person is pushing really hard for one side of the tension
and you leaning more towards the other.
iii. Alternation: means going back and forth between the two sides of a tension.
iv. Segmentation: involves dealing with one side of a tension in some aspects, or
segments, of ones relationship and the other side of the tension in other segments.
1. The setting will determine what side the tension you engage with.
v. Balance: people who use balance as a strategy try to compromise, or find a middle
ground, between the two opposing forces of a tension.
1. It can work for some things, but you never really get exactly what you want.
vi. Integration: in this strategy, people try to develop behaviors that will satisfy both
sides of a tension simultaneously.
1. Ex: One person reads while the other person does a crossword puzzle, but
you are both in the same room together.
vii. Recalibration: means reframing a tension so that the contradiction between
opposing needs disappears.
1. Reframing means eliminating the tension by seeing the opposing needs as
complementary.
viii. Reaffirmation: means simply embracing dialectical tensions as a normal part of life.

Communicating in Romantic Relationships
1. Characteristics of Romantic Relationships
a. Marriages and long-term relationships are very important to our health and well-being.
i. Multiple studies have shown that married people live longer and healthier lives
than people who never marry.
1. Marriage reduces a persons likelihood of engaging in risky health behaviors.
Married people drink less, and less likely to use illicit drugs.
2. Also less likely to suffer from mental illnesses such as depression.
3. Several studies have shown that the health benefits of marriage are greater
for men than for women. However, women are also healthier if married than
if single.
b. Romantic Relationships and Exclusivity
i. One common expectation for romantic relationships is that they are exclusive.
1. Usually takes the form of monogamy: being in only one romantic relationship
at a time and avoiding romantic or sexual involvement with others outside
the relationship.
a. Relational infidelity is often an emotional traumatic experience for the
partner who is wronged.
ii. Not all romantic partners expect their relationship to be exclusive.
1. Research indicates that open relationships are observed between
heterosexual, bisexuals, gay men, and lesbians.
2. Many countries, primarily in Africa and southern Asia allow the practice of
polygamy, in which one person is married to two or more spouses at the
same time.
c. Romantic Relationships and Voluntariness
i. This expectation presumes that a relationship is strong and satisfying only if both
partners have freely chosen to participate in it.
ii. Even if people enter into romantic relationships voluntarily, they do not always stay
in them voluntarily.
1. Research shows that many people are unhappy in their relationships but stay
in them anyway. The most common reasons for this are:
a. They want to provide stability for their children.
b. Their religious beliefs disallow separation or divorce.
c. They are concerned about the financial implications of separating.
d. They see no positive alternatives to their current relationship.
iii. In much of the world it is common for other people, usually parents, to select a
persons romantic partner.
1. According to the practice of arranged marriage, people are expected to marry
the partner their parents select for them.
d. Romantic Relationships and Love
i. Colors of Love:
1. Eros: focus on beauty and sexuality
a. As long if the person if beautiful and attractive the person will stay
with them Doesnt really care about other characteristics.
b. If this is the only type of love it often leaves people feeling unfilled.
c. Physical aspects usually happen very quickly.
d. Tend to be happy in the relationship. This relationship can work and
last a long time.
i. Ex: Trophy wife or husband
2. Ludos: focus on entertainment and excitement
a. One the relationship gets to committed, streamline, and the novelty
wears off it fades away.
b. People who engage in this type of love tend to be more secretive, and
dishonest.
i. Chronic Infidelities: excitement of getting away with t
3. Storge: focus on friendship, peacefulness, slowness
a. Focusing on finding someone you share activities with and letting the
relationship gradually unfold over time.
b. Oftentimes a relationship where people are first friends with for a
really long time and then the relationship turns romantic.
c. People who are more mature, looking for compatibility and shared
values.
4. Pragma: focus on traditional and practical values
a. Looking for relationships that will work.
b. Tend to have more realistic images of marriage.
c. More family oriented.
5. Mania: crazy
a. People who continually break up and get back together.
b. All about passion, obsession, and possession.
c. When mania love it is good, when it is bad it is bad (extreme highs and
lows). People tend to be more emotional and jealous.
6. Agape: compassionate and selfless
a. Very other motivated and giving.
b. Debate on whether this love can exist or not. Considered more a
theory or idea.
i. Can we be completely selfless? Can we do something we dont
get any benefit from?
ii. Research says that equity would be totally skewed if this love
actually existed.
ii. In much of the Western world, people think of marriage and other romantic
relationship as being based on love.
1. Lack of love is frequently cited as a reason why relationships fail.
iii. Some people enter into romantic relationships for other reasons.
1. Ex: financial stability, or to gain or consolidate power
2. In countries such as China and India the choice of a spouse has more to do
with the wishes and preferences of family and social groups than it does with
love, even if the marriage isnt arranged.
3. Stephanie Coontz says the connection between love and marriage is a
historically recent trend, even in Western cultures.
a. Romantic love has existed for ages, but societies began thinking of
love as a basis for marriage only within the last three centuries.
i. Before that time some societies believed that love should
develop after marriage or thought love had no place at all in
marriage.
e. Romantic Relationships and Sexuality
i. Research indicates that people in same-sex romantic relationships report levels of
relationship satisfaction equal to those of opposite-sex dating, engaged, and married
couples.
ii. Same-sex and opposite-sex romantic relationships in most parts of the world differ
with respect to their legal recognition.
1. In the United States, people in many same-sex relationships live as domestic
partners, often owning joint property and raising children together, so many
have demanded the right to legally marry.
f. Romantic Relationships and Permanence
i. People often conceive marriage and other long-term romantic relationships as
permanent.
1. Reflected in wedding vows till death do us part
2. Many marriages do last for years due to the ways in which societies promote,
protect, and reward marriages.
a. In the U.S., federal provides spouses a number of benefits that are
often denied to couples that are not legally married.
i. Spousal privilege: Communication between spouses is
privileged, just like doctorpatient and attorneyclient
communication.
ii. Visitation: Marriage gives spouses rights of visitation if one
spouse is hospitalized or imprisoned.
iii. Stepchildren: Stepparents have legal status with stepchildren
only if they are legally married to the children's parent.
iv. Cohabitation on controlled properties: Marriage allows spouses
to live together on military bases and other controlled
properties.
v. Medical and burial decisions: Spouses have the ability to make
medical decisions for each other and to make burial or
cremation decisions when one of them dies.
vi. Domestic violence protection: If one spouse is abusive or
violent, the other spouse can request domestic violence
protection orders from a court.
2. Getting In: Forming Romantic Relationships
a. Initiating: occurs when people meet and interact for the first time.
i. Only step that has any level of a time frame (approximately 5 minutes)
1. You may be stuck in the conversation for more than five minutes, but you
already know whether or not you want to get to know that person further.
b. Experimenting: you have conversations to learn more about that person. Helps individuals
decide if they have enough in common to move the relationship forward.
i. Small talk, keep a social distance, contact is still limited (dont spend too much time
with the person)
ii. Most of our relationships (in general) dont go beyond experimenting.
c. Intensifying: people move from being acquaintances to being close friends. They start to
share intimate information with each other, such as their fears, future goals, and secrets
about the past.
i. There is an identifiable and strong attraction.
ii. Social distance is no longer kept becomes personal distance
iii. Begin to label yourself as in some sort of relationship.
iv. Most dating relationships wont go beyond intensifying.
d. Integrating: occurs when a deep commitment has formed, and the partners share a strong
sense that the relationship has its own identity. Others state expecting to see the two
individual together and begin referring to the pair as a couple.
i. Usually exclusive to romantic relationships, but depending on the situation can
happen with really close friendships.
ii. Seen as one person (identities merge).
e. Bonding: partners make a public announcement of their commitment to each other.
i. If you have to file a legal document to get out of the relationship.
ii. Some type of ceremony occurs.
f. Individual and Cultural Variations in Relationship Formation
i. In countries that practice arranged marriage there would be little if any input by the
children.
ii. In countries where polygamy is common, the integration and bonding stages would
look different because one person may be joining multiple spouses at once.
3. Differing Relational Types Among Romantic Couples
a. Mary Anne Fitzpatrick has spent many years studying patterns of marital communication.
b. Suggests that people form and maintain marriage by relying on marital schemata, which
represent their cognitive models for what marriage is and should be. Found that three
types of marriages are especially common:
i. Traditional couples take a culturally conventional approach to marriage. They
believe in gender-typical divisions of labor in which wives are in charge of
housework and childrearing, and husbands are responsible for home repair and
auto maintenance. When conflict arises, spouses in traditional couples engage in it
rather than avoid it.
1. See themselves as two individual people who become one. They have a
shared philosophy in life.
2. High levels of interdependence, tend to spend a lot of time together, view
relationship as permanent so there is high disclosure, and divorce is not
openly discussed.
3. Whats mine is yours.
ii. Separate couples are similar to couples in traditional marriages except that the
spouses are autonomous rather than interdependent. They often have their own
interests and social networks, and they think of themselves as separate individuals
rather than as one couple. Because of their lack of interdependence, spouses in
separate couples generally don't engage in conflict. Even when they disagree, they
tend to ignore conflict rather than dealing with it directly.
1. Happens when a married couple is living together and appears as a couple
only when it is a convenience.
a. Ex: Hilary and Bill Clinton
2. Rarely spend together.
3. Low level of disclosure.
iii. Independent couples see themselves as being independent of social expectations for
marriage. They don't necessarily believe in conventional gender roles or divisions of
labor, so the wife might support the family financially while the husband stays home
with the children. Although these couples consider themselves to be independent of
cultural norms, they are highly interdependent. As a result, they engage in conflict
when it arises.
1. Enjoy doing things together, but not necessarily all the time.
2. Often see separate bank accounts and belongings.
3. There is still a high level of disclosure.
c. Found that in about half the couples she studied, the husband and wife dont agree as to
whether their marriage traditional, separate, or independent: referred to as mixed couples.
i. The most common type of mixed couple is one in which the wifes expectations
match those of traditional couples, and the husbands expectations match those of
separate couples.
d. Even though different types of marriage have different opinions on sex roles, statistically
women still work more then men (in terms of household chores).
i. On average, women work four, forty hour works more per year.
e. Martial Satisfaction Trend
i. Starts high at the beginning of the marriage
ii. Plummets the minute you have a child. (Why you see divorce in that 5 to 7 year
range)
iii. Satisfaction stays low until the children enter elementary school.
iv. Increasingly gets higher until the children become teenagers then satisfaction goes
lower than it was when they were infants. (Why you see divorce in later teen years)
v. Satisfaction increases significantly (not necessarily to newlywed height, but close)
when the children leave the house.
4. Interpersonal Communication In Romantic Relationships
a. Romantic Relationships Vary in How They Handle Conflict
i. Wilmot and Hocker define conflict as an expressed struggle between at least two
interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and
interference from the other party in achieving their goals.
1. The way couples handle conflict is what influences the success of their
relationship.
2. Marital couples and unmarried heterosexual couples can be classified into
four groups, depending on how they handle conflict:
a. Validating couples talk about their disagreements openly and
cooperatively. In such couples, spouses communicate respect for each
other's opinions even when they disagree with them. They stay calm,
even when discussing hotly contested topics. They also use humor
and expressions of positive emotion to defuse the tension that conflict
can create.
b. Volatile couples also talk about their disagreements openly, but in a
way that is competitive rather than cooperative. That is, each spouse
tries to persuade the other to adopt his or her point of view. Conflicts
in such couples tend to be marked with expressions of negative rather
than positive emotion. However, those conflicts are often followed by
intense periods of affection and making up.
c. Conflict-avoiding couples deal with their disagreements indirectly
rather than openly. To avoid the discomfort of engaging in conflict
directly, these couples try to defuse negative emotion and focus on
their similarities. They feel there is little to be gained by engaging in
conflict directly, believing that most problems will resolve themselves.
They often agree to disagree, a tactic that allows them to sidestep
conflict but that can leave their points of disagreement unresolved.
d. Hostile couples experience frequent and intense conflict. During
conflict episodes, hostile couples use negative emotion displays, such
as harsh tones of voice and facial expressions of anger or frustration.
They also engage in personal attacks that include insults, sarcasm,
name-calling, blaming, and other forms of criticism.
3. Gottmans research has found that compared with heterosexual couples, gay
and lesbian couples :
a. Use more humor and positive emotion during conflict conversations
b. Are less likely to become hostile after a conflict
c. Use fewer displays of dominance and power during a conflict episode
d. Are less likely to take conflict personally
e. Stay calmer emotionally and physiologically during conflict
b. Romantic Relationships Vary In How They Handle Privacy
i. Theory developed by Petronio that explains how people manage the tension
between privacy and disclosure.
1. Individuals and couples vary in their approach to privacy.
a. Some are open books while others are discreet. Research indicates
that some of us are simply more inclined than others to disclose
private information.
i. In most cases, however, our decisions about sharing
information are influenced by the people to whom we are
disclosing it, by how much we trust them, and by how much
they have disclosed to us.
c. Romantic Relationships Vary In How They Handle Emotional Communication
i. Research tells us how romantic partners express emotion to each other can say a lot
about the quality of their relationship. Specifically, it reflects how satisfied the
partners are with each other.
1. Happy partners communicate more positive emotion and less negative
emotion with each other than do unhappy partners.
a. Express more affection, use more humor, and communicate more
assurances or verbal expression of their commitment to the
relationship.
b. Maintain a ratio of five positive behaviors for every negative behavior.
2. Unhappy couples are more likely than happy couples to reciprocate
expressions of negative emotion.
a. People in happy couples are more likely to respond to negative
expression with positive or neutral ones.
d. Romantic Relationships Vary In How They Handle Instrumental Communication
i. The fact that instrumental communication addresses the necessary daily tasks
couples face explains why it is one the most common forms of communication
between romantic partners.
ii. Also one of the most contentious couples face because romantic partners often
disagree over the division of responsibilities for instrumental tasks.
1. In opposite-sex relationships people who believe in traditional gender role
behaviors will often divide instrumental tasks along stereotypical gender
lines.
a. Partners who do not necessarily adopt traditional gender role
behaviors frequently have conflict over how tasks should be divided.
b. Women are more likely than men to feel that the division of tasks is
unfair.
c. Recent research suggests that same-sex couples divide instrumental
tasks more equitably than opposite-sex partners.
2. How partners negotiate the division of task matter for at least two reasons:
a. Day-to-day tasks need to be completed.
b. The way I which partners divide everyday task often reflects the
balance of power within their relationship
5. Getting Out: Ending Romantic Relationships
a. Differentiating Stage: partners begin to see differences as undesirable or annoying instead
of complementary.
b. Circumscribing Stage: begin to decrease the quality and quantity of their communication
with each other.
c. Stagnating Stage: relationship stops growing and the partners feel as if they are just going
through the motions.
d. Avoiding Stage: create physical and emotional distance.
e. Terminating Stage: the relationship is officially judged to be over.
i. For legally married partners, relational termination means getting a divorce.
1. When parents divorce, children outcome rates decrease significantly.
a. Factors that impact this: age of child, , how much the child knows
about the situation, etc.
b. Money is a big factor.
i. Statistically womens income decreases by about 50%
(includes alimony and child support)
1. They then have to work more, so less time is spent with
the kids.
2. May have to move to a different location or house with
less resources.
2. Children outcome rates also decrease when a parent remarries.
a. Especially if the child is over the age of twelve.
3. In the U.S. approximately 40 percent of all marriages end in divorce.
a. Research has found that divorce rates are lower if the only person
you have had sex with is your spouse.
b. Cohabitation has no real impact on divorce rates.
i. One expectation: if you cohabitate with someone you dont
marry, your divorce rate goes up for the person you do marry.
ii. The divorce rate for second marriages increases substantially.
4. In the nineties, the divorce rate was approximately 70%.
a. There was the idea of the starter marriage.
b. Women entered the workforce. The idea of the stay-at-home mom
went away.


Communicating in Families
1. What Makes A Family?
a. Genetic Ties
i. You share about 50 percent of your genes with your biological mother, biological
father, and each full biological sibling.
ii. With your grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and any half-siblings, you share about 25
percent of your genes, and with cousins, its about 12.5 percent.
iii. Sharing a genetic ties does not mean that two people share a social or emotional
relationship.
1. Ex: adopted children may not know their genetic parents.
b. Legal Obligations
i. It is a crime for parents to neglect their responsibilities to house, feed, educate, and
care for their children.
ii. Marriage is the most heavily regulated family relationship from a legal perspective.
c. Role Behaviors
i. Many people believe the most important characteristic that defines a family is that
individuals in it act like a family. According to this idea, there are certain behaviors
or roles that family members are expected to enact.
d. The three dimensions of a family- genetic, legal, and role- are not mutually exclusive, and
some relationships include all of them.
2. Types of Families
a. Family of Origin: the family in which one grows up (often consisting of ones parents and
siblings).
b. Family of Procreation: the family one starts as an adult (often consisting of ones spouse
and children).
c. Nuclear Family: married partners (man and woman) and their children.
i. No longer the most common type of family in the U.S.
d. Blended Family: two adult partners (who may be married or cohabitating and of the same
or opposite sex) raising children who are not the biological offspring of both parents.
e. Single-Parent Family: one adult raises one or more children (may be biological, adopted, or
stepchildren).
f. Extended Family: includes relatives such as grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and
other individuals whom a person considered to be a part of his or her family.

3. Family Communication Patterns
a. Influenced by the general people you live with. If your parents are divorced it is possible to
have a different communication pattern with each one.
i. One the pattern is set it very difficult to change.
ii. You family pattern with your parents wont necessarily be the same pattern you
have with your children.
b. Conversational Orientation: the fluidity of the conversation, how much is shared, how
often family members talk
i. High: communication is important, you share and talk a lot with you family
ii. Low: sharing things and communicating with one another is not important
c. Conformity Orientation: the degree to which there is an emphasis on similarities and
differences. Are diverse beliefs allowed.
i. High: this is what we believe in and you will too.
ii. Low: you can believe what you want and it is ok to think differently
d. Four Types of Families
i. Consensual: high conversation and high conformity
ii. Protective: low conversation and high conformity
1. Be seen not heard.
iii. Pluralistic: high conversation and low conformity
iv. Laissez-Faire: low conversation and low conformity

4. Communication Issues in Families
a. Family Roles: embody the functions individuals serve in the family system.
i. Based on the social and emotional function an individuals behavior serves within
the family
ii. Ex: someone may be the troublemaker, another the caregiver.
iii. Different from family positions, which are based on the social and emotional
function an individuals behavior serves within the family.
1. Ex: Father and Daughter
iv. Family roles often become particularly relevant when the family is in conflict.
Virginia Satir suggested that four roles become common during conflict episodes:
1. Blamer: holds others responsible for whatever goes wrong but accepts no
responsibility for his or her own behaviors.
2. Placater: the peacemaker who will go to any lengths to reduce conflict.
a. May simply agree with whatever anyone says to keep others from
getting angry.
3. Computer: attempts to use logic and reason, rather than emotion, to defuse
the situation.
4. Distracter: makes random, irrelevant comments so that the rest of the family
will forget about the conflict.
b. Family Rituals: repetitive activities that have special meaning.
i. Rituals serve as a variety of functions in family interactions: reinforcing a familys
values and providing a sense of belonging.
c. Family Stories
i. Elizabeth Stone suggest that stories give families a sense of their history, express
what family members expect to one another, and reinforce connections across
different generations.
ii. Stories tend to have at least two characteristics in common:
1. Theyre told over and over, often over long periods of time. This way they
become part of a familys collective knowledge.
2. Convey an underlying message about the family.
d. Family Secrets
i. Keeping family secrets doesn't just protect private family information, though; it
also reinforces the family's identity and exclusivity, because only family members
are allowed to know the secrets.

Creating a Positive Communication Climate (the emotional tone of a relationship)
1. Using Confirming Messages in Minimizing Disconfirming Messages
a. Confirming Messages: behaviors that indicate how much we value another person.
i. Researchers have identified three types of confirming messages:
1. Recognition: The most basic act of confirmation is to recognize that another
person exists and is worthy of your attention.
2. Acknowledgement: A more positive form of confirmation is to acknowledge
another person's feelings and thoughts. You engage in acts of
acknowledgement when you ask someone's opinion, solicit someone's ideas,
or inquire about someone's feelings.
3. Endorsement: Many of the people with whom you communicate appreciate
being listened to, even if you ultimately disagree with their ideas. The most
positive form of confirmation, however, is to provide endorsement, which is a
signal that you agree with what another person has said.
b. Disconfirming Messages: behaviors that imply a lack of regard for another person.
i. Types of disconfirming messages in order from most to least disconfirming:
1. Impervious response: As we have noted, the most fundamental act of
confirmation is to recognize others. In contrast, we disconfirm others when
we enact an impervious response, which means ignoring those people
altogether.
2. Verbal abuse: Verbal abuse is an overt form of disconfirming message that
involves using words to hurt people emotionally and psychologically. Calling
someone derogatory names, offering insults or put-downs, making sarcastic
remarks about someone's appearance or intelligence, and threatening
physical harm are all examples of verbal abuse.
3. Generalized complaining: In a conflict situation, offering specific complaints
often helps by focusing the conversation on particular problems. In contrast,
offering generalized complaintscomplaints that simply indict the other
person's value or characteris unhelpful and disconfirming.
4. Irrelevant response: An irrelevant response entails replying to someone's
message with a completely unrelated statement.
5. Impersonal response: You enact an impersonal response when you reply to
someone's words with a clich that conveys no real empathy.
2. Avoiding Making Others Defensive
a. Defensiveness: Excessive concern with guarding oneself against the threat of criticism; the
tendency to deny the validity of criticisms directed at the self.
b. Supportiveness: A person's feeling of assurance that others care about and will protect him
or her.
c. Gibb identified six types of messages that promote defensiveness in interpersonal
communication and six contrasting types of messages that promote supportiveness.
i. Evaluation versus Description: Evaluative messages express an opinion on the value
or worth of another person's behaviors. Descriptive messages provide detail about
the person's behaviors without passing judgment.
1. Evaluative: This is the worst article you've ever written.
2. Descriptive: There are some opportunities for improvement in this article.
ii. Control versus Problem Orientation: Control-oriented messages manipulate others to
act only a specific way. Problem-oriented messages encourage collaboration and
creative thinking.
1. Control-oriented: You can't watch TV right now; my show is on.
2. Problem-oriented: Let's figure out a way we can both watch what we want.
iii. Strategy versus Spontaneity: Strategic messages withhold information in an attempt
to control the listener. Spontaneous messages express thoughts and desires openly
and honestly, without a hidden agenda.
1. Strategic: Are you busy next weekend?
2. Spontaneous: I'm planning a hike for next Saturday; want to come?
iv. Neutrality versus Empathy: Neutral statements imply a lack of concern for the well-
being of others. Empathic statements convey concern for what others are feeling
and experiencing.
1. Neutral: Not everything goes the way you want; that's life.
2. Empathic: I'm sorry your plans fell through; you must be disappointed.
v. Superiority versus Equality: Messages of superiority encourage division and an us
versus them mentality. Messages of equality emphasize inclusiveness and minimize
status differences between people.
1. Superior: You don't know what you're doing.
2. Equal: That's an interesting approach; I've never thought about this
situation in that way before.
vi. Certainty versus Provisionalism: Messages of certainty offer inflexible conclusions
with no room for debate. Provisional messages offer ideas flexibly, in the hope of
generating dialogue.
1. Youre wrong.
2. What leads you to believe that? Is it possible that the source of information
is mistaken?

3. Providing Effective Feedback
a. Non-Evaluative Feedback: A reply that withholds assessment of what the speak has said or
done.
i. Three techniques of non-evaluative feedback:
1. Probe: Probing means asking questions that will give you more information
about what the person is experiencing.
2. Paraphrase: Paraphrasingrepeating what someone has said in your own
wordsis an effective form of non-evaluative feedback for two reasons.
First, it assures the person that you are paying attention and following along
with the conversation. Second, it provides an opportunity for the other
person to correct any misunderstandings you may have about what he or she
said.
3. Offer support: Offering support includes sharing your perceptions of the
situation and confirming the validity of the problem.
b. Evaluative Feedback: a reply that offers an assessment of what he speaker has said or done.
i. Offering evaluative feedback can involve one or both of two steps:
1. Provide praise: Remember that evaluating something isn't just about
identifying its shortcomings; it's also about noting its strengths.
2. Criticize constructively: If your evaluation is entirely positive, then praise is
all that is required. However, if you have negative assessments to share, then
it's important to criticize constructively. Criticizing constructively doesn't
mean pointing out what's wrong; it means pointing out what can be made
better and offering ideas for improvement.
a. Make sure criticism is wanted.