Rezolvarea de Probleme Copii-Adulti

From: Working Draft of Positive Discipline Parenting Workbook
Jody McVittie and Barbara Kinney

Please ask permission before duplication
jmcvittie@att.net bkinney@ulster.net

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Problem Solving

One of the most encouraging tools for resolving conflicts is the problem-solving process. It
helps parents get into the childs world and listen deeply. It helps children think and allows them to
access their inner wisdom. It teaches listening skills, empathy, understanding anothers point of
view, and how to negotiate a solution that both parents and children can live with. It may seem a
little complicated at first because there are several steps to this process. However, with patience,
practice and the courage to be imperfect, it will give parents and children many rewards. Problem
solving together creates closeness and trust, encourages cooperation, and best of all resolves
conflicts with mutual respect. Before going through this process with your child, you will need to
feel calm and make sure the temperature is cool, have enough time to work together, and be
curious about your childs point of view.

There are two types of problem-solving dynamics: one occurs when there is a problem
between an adult and a child, and the other, when the conflict is between two or more children.

When there is a problem between an adult and a child.
Children feel encouraged and are willing to cooperate when they think you understand
their side of the story. Once they feel understood and validated, they are more willing to hear your
point of view and to work on finding a solution. In the two types of problem solving steps that
follow, Four Steps for Winning Cooperation and Joint Problem Solving, it is very important that
parents start by asking youngsters about their feelings and what their story is about the issue that
is a problem.

Cheryl came to parenting class discouraged about her four and one half year-old son, Ned. Ever since
she began going to night school, she has not had as much time to spend playing and reading with him. Neds
reaction has been to lash out at his mother and scratch and hit her. Cheryl tried saying, No! Stop that. That hurts
me.! She also tried paying no attention and leaving the room.

Pause a minute to get into Neds world. What might he have been feeling and deciding at this moment?

Cheryl said that Neds behavior just continued. The facilitator suggested that the class look at the
chart for using the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation.

Using the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation.
When an issue comes up that needs a childs cooperation, use the following set of steps for
younger children, under 10 years old.


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Four Steps for Winning Cooperation
For Younger Children Under 10

1. Get into the childs world. Express understanding for your childs feelings. Make a
guess about the childs perception of what happened. (If you ask children Why? they
often answer I dont know, because on a conscious level, they often dont know. Your
friendly guess helps them think about it and they can generally tell you if you are right
or wrong.) Then listen deeply to what your child has to say.
2. Show understanding. A way to show understanding is to share a time from your
childhood or now when you have felt or behaved the same way.
3. Share your feelings and concerns about the present situation. When the first two
steps have been done in a sincere and friendly manner, your child will be ready to
listen to you.
4. Find a solution together. Ask your child if he or she would be willing to work on a
solution with you. First ask your child if he or she has any ideas for what to do. Then,
offer your suggestions. Next, work together on an agreement.

Adapted from Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

Cheryl decided that she would try this process with Ned to find a solution. In a role-play in the class, she played
herself so she could practice the steps while another parent played Ned. Then, Ned came up and started to hit
her: (Remember this is a role-play.and the real thing might sound different)

Cheryl: I see you are angry with me. Lets sit down together. (Cheryl put her arm around Ned and gently held his
hand.) I would guess you are upset because I am not here to play with you? (Getting into the childs
world)
Ned: Starting to cry, Yes. Play with me Mommy. Dont go away.
Cheryl: You know, Ned, when I was a little girl about your age my mother started a new job and wasnt home to
play with me when I came in from school. I was felt sad and upset, too. I was afraid my mommy didnt
love me anymore. (Showing understanding)
Ned: Do you love me, Mommy?
Cheryl: I love you very much, Ned. When you hit me it hurts and I dont understand what you want. Instead of
hitting, how could you let me know you want to play with me? (Sharing your feelings, looking for a
solution)
Ned: I could bring you a toy.
Cheryl: Thats a good solution. And what words could you use to tell me what you want?
Ned: I could say lets play, Mommy.
Cheryl: Great! Then I will know you want to spend some time together. Thank you, Ned, for working on this with
me.

The next day, Cheryl tried the steps with Ned. Then she invited Ned to do a lets pretend role-play with
her so they could practice their new solution. They had such fun together. They are making progress. Although
Cheryl sometimes has to remind Ned of their solution, Ned is hitting less and using his words more and Cheryl is
more tuned into Neds feelings and perceptions.

Reflection: Remember a specific interaction with your child where you tried to deal with a problem before
you got into the childs world to understand his or her feelings or perceptions. What happened?


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Visualize yourself using the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation. Write down what you might say.

For practice, role-play it with a friend who plays your child. How did you feel? How did the friend feel?

Find a situation with your child where you could use the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation. What was
your childs reaction? Were there any surprises? What did you learn?

Working with Joint Problem-Solving. When you are having a disagreement with your
pre-teen or teen it is important to remember that parents and kids have different feelings and
different issues about the same subject. If you try to force your way onto teens or give in to their
demands, solutions will not be effective. It is only when everyone feels understood that successful
negotiation and resolution is possible. When you need to find a solution you can both live with,
use the problem-solving steps. (See the handout) Note that this process works with younger
children too.

Story: When my (Barbara) son Rob was a young teen, the friends in his crowd liked to take turns spending one or
two nights at someones home over the weekend. One month, Rob had already spent two weekends at friends,
leaving on Fri. eve and returning on Sun. afternoon. One evening, after talking on the phone he came and asked,
Mom, can I spend the weekend at Craigs? Thinking that this was really too much, I said, No you cant. Why
not? he asked. Because you have already spent two weekends out this month, I replied. So, whats the big
deal? he asked getting irritated with me. Well, I hesitated a minute to think then said, I dont want you getting
home so late on Sunday that you cant get all your homework done. But, I always get my homework done on
time! he said defensively. Well, I searched another moment, Im worried that youll be getting too tired staying
up so late every weekend. But, I always come home and take a nap, he argued. No, you just cant, I said
losing my patience. I cant stand you for trying to control my life, he yelled as he stomped upstairs.
Uh oh, I thought. Ive made a mistake. I certainly didnt use respectful (kind) or firm parenting by losing
my patience and being demanding. Jane Nelsen urges parents to remember that mistakes are wonderful
opportunities to learn. Situations that seem to go wrong are opportunities to discover what you really wanted to
happen, what did happen, what caused it to happen and what you could do differently next time. (PD Teens, p.
109). So, I took some time to think about how I felt and what I really wanted to happen. The truth, I discovered, is
that I enjoy the company of my interesting and humorous son. All week he is busy with school and sports and it is
only on the weekends that we have time to have some real connection. My arguments about homework and
getting enough sleep were not the real issue with me, and Rob didnt buy it. I believe I fell into this trap because I
was afraid of losing control over the situation so was not really connected to my real feelings. I decided to try
again, this time asking Rob if he was willing to do joint problem solving with me. Rob seemed a bit skeptical, but
agreed when I told him that I wanted to react differently and more honesty this time.
I asked Rob what his issues were about the weekends with friends. He said that he did not have time to
really talk with his friends except on the weekends and that his schoolwork and health were fine. I listened and the
asked, Is there anything else? He said he didnt understand why I was so concerned and wished Id stop trying to

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control his life. I reflected back what I heard, then thanked him for helping me understand his point of view. Next, I
asked Rob if he would be willing to hear what my issues were. Since he felt heard, he was willing to hear my side. I
took a deep breath and than jumped in: Rob, I feel sad when you are away because I really enjoy your company
and the fun talks we have. I miss you when you are gone the whole weekend. I wish we could work out a plan so
you will spend some weekends at home.
I could tell that my emotional honesty had an impact on Rob; he was listening intently. Then, before I
could ask him to repeat what he heard me say, he jumped in with: I have an idea! How about I go out two
weekends a month, and I will choose the weekends. Then I will be home two weekends, and one of those I will
have someone over if I want. That will leave one weekend free at home. I was stunned. I was prepared for some
tough negotiating. My sincere honesty had touched something in Rob that created the space for him to come up
with a solution we could both live with. We didnt need to brainstorm, because both of us were happy with his
solution. (My issue was that he was never home, not that he was with friendsI enjoyed his friends also.) Thats a
great plan, I said. Lets try it for a month and see how it works. Then can we get together next month and talk
about how it went? Sure, Mom. Thanks Rob for helping with this. No problem, Mom. The closeness and
trust was reestablished and both of us felt empowered.

Activity / Suggestions: Take a moment to look over the Joint Problem-Solving Steps handout (p. 125).
It is best to first practice going through the steps with a friend or partner who will role-play the teen. Think of
a disagreement you are having with your pre-teen or teenager such as getting chores done, having friends
over, use of the family car, telephone use, curfew, etc. Describe the situation to your partner so that he or
she can role-play your youngster. Begin with I notice we have a problem with_____. Continue going
through the steps together until you reach an agreement.

How did your partner playing the teen feel?

How did you feel?

What was it like to negotiate with your teen instead of arguing, ordering, or giving in?

Were there any surprises?

1. What steps do you still need to take to feel comfortable using at home with your youngster?


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When there is a problem between children.

Arguments and disagreements are a normal part of childrens interactions with each
other. In order to learn the social skills of getting along and resolving conflict, children need to be
taught simple guidelines they can use to work with others and resolve problems in a positive way.
Become familiar with the following problem-solving steps that parents can teach children to use
when trying to resolve a conflict on a one-on-one basis. Once children are familiar with the four
steps, they can choose which one of the steps they would like to use in a particular conflict.

Problem Solving Tools (Adapted from Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline)

The first two items are important in problem solving almost all of the time. After the problem is
identified and the temperature is cool children often use one or more of the choices that follow...
no particular order.

Identify the problem. This seems so obvious to adults, but this is a major tool for children. It
helps them shift perspective that is essential for successful solutions. For example when a child
wants a toy that another child has, they initially see the problem as I want that toy. From the
perspective of the child, seeing the problem that way would lead to some clear choices. On the
other hand if the problem becomes we both want that toy the child can see that there might be
other solutions that are more effective. The life skill of being able to look at things from more than
just your point of view can be taught by simple modeling and observations. Saying things like It
looks like you both want that toy or It sounds like you both want to sit in the window seat on this
drive, helps kids learn how to identify the problem without doing it for them.

Check in to make sure that the temperature is cool. Parents like to have problems solved
right away, but the kind of logical thinking necessary for problem solving cant happen when the
participants are still feeling strong emotions. They are too hot. Model and invite kids to take a
short cool down period before they problem solve. This can be done in many ways. Asking are
you both cooled down enough to solve this problem? often works. Be willing to put the disputed
object (toy, TV, window seat) in time out until everyone is cooled off. This must be done carefully
and with humor. It is not a time to make kids feeling bad by angrily saying something like Well
there wont be any TV until you can settle this. More successful strategies include saying things
like: Wow, you really have a problem but the window seat does not want to be overheated with
hot angry bodies. I trust you to come up with a plan and we can wait a few minutes while you do.
Or (for older kids) I can tell you are really upset about this...but before you go to prove your point,
you might want to think about whether you want to be effective, or right. You might think about
what strategy to use to help the other person hear you well.

Teach your children the Four Problem-Solving Steps We recommend teaching the steps
before or after conflict. During a conflict is not the best time to teach or learn. You can teach
before a conflict by modeling this kind of problem solving yourself with your partner, or other
adults or by practicing in family meetings. You can teach these skills after a conflict (when every
one has cooled down), by going through steps 2 4 with the children later the same day or the
next day. This is not something you teach once. It takes lots of practice to get good enough at
problem solving to use it DURING a conflict. Practice, practice, practice. Youll know you are
making progress when you are upset and your child tells you, Mom (Dad) I think you are too
upset to solve the problem right now. Can we talk about it later? And if you are like us, that
response wont make you smile the first time you hear it. (But it did give us empathy as we cooled
down.)

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The Four Problem-Solving Steps
Source: Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

1. Consider ignoring the problem for now (it often takes more courage to walk away than to
stay and fight.)
Either do something else, or cool down and solve the problem later.

2. Talk it over respectfully
Tell the other person how you feel. Let him or her know you dont like what is happening.
Listen to what the other person says about how he or she feels and what
he or she doesnt like.
Share what you think you did to contribute to the problem.
Tell the other person what you are willing to do differently

3. Agree together on a solution or plan: For example
Work on a plan for sharing or taking turns
Apologize (when both parties are ready, not usually right away)

4. Ask for help if you cant work it out together
Put it on the family meeting agenda (this can also be a first choice)
Talk it over with a teacher, parent, or a friend.

Reflection: Share the Four Problem Solving Steps with your children. Talk over together some of the
disagreements that happen between/among them at home. Next, ask them to choose one of the solutions
they might try for each of the disagreements they thought of.

What were the childrens reactions?

Were there any surprises for you or for your children?

What did you learn?

Hints:

Resources:
Positive Discipline, Nelsen, pp. 106-108, 168-169, 172, 226-228
Positive Discipline the First Three Years, Nelsen, Erwin, Duffy, pp. 189-190
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Nelsen, Erwin, Duffy, Chapter 12, pp. 174-175, 209-210
Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Nelsen, Lott, pp. 153-155
Positive Time Out: And Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles, Nelsen, pp.136-138
Positive Discipline for Single Parents, Nelsen, Erwin, Delzer, pp. 116-118, 133-135
Positive Discipline for Your Stepfamily, Nelsen, Erwin, Glenn, pp. 173-175, 184
Positive Discipline in the Christian Home, Nelsen, Erwin, Brock, Hughes, pp. 140-144, 178-179
Positive Discipline for Childcare Providers, Nelsen, Erwin, pp. 56-57, 112-114
Positive Discipline for Working Parents, Nelsen, Larson, pp. 25, 101-102
Positive Discipline A-Z, Nelsen, Lott, Glenn, pp. 7-8

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Handout
Joint Problem-Solving Steps
Adapted from Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen

1. State an observation using I notice we have a problem with__(fill in with whatever the
problem is)___. Would you be willing to work together to find another way to deal with this that
we both can live with? (It is respectful to the other person to ask permission.)

2. Ask your teen what his or her view of the problem is and how he or she feels. Listen deeply
without arguing or interrupting. Then validate what you hear by feeding back what he or she
says using You feel____ because____ and you wish____. Then ask: Is there anything
else? and keep listening and until the teen has finished.

3. Ask your teen if he or she is willing to hear what your issues are. (You can let your teen know
that its okay if you both see things differently. The idea is just to understand each other.)
State your feelings and issues using I feel____ about____ because____. (It is important to
stick to your issue and not get into blame.) Ask you teen to feed back what he or she heard
were your feelings and issues.

4. Give appreciation for being heard.

5. Brainstorming: Ask your teen first, What ideas do you have for a solution? If the teen has
none, brainstorm alternatives together. (It helps the brainstorming process if you come up with
some wild and crazy ideas.)

6. Choose an alternative that you can all live with for a short time (one day, one week, etc.)

Agree on a date to review how the plan is working. Then give thank yous.

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Follow Through

The skill to make real agreements with kids and then to follow through on your agreements
is one of the most powerful tools in this workbook. It doesnt look like a powerful tool though. It
looks kind of wimpy. That has not been our experience.
Because parents are not really experienced with relating to kids in this fashion, we
demonstrate how this is done in class. If you would like to hear an audio version of this exercise,
Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen demonstrate it on the tapes Empowering your Teen and Yourself in
the Process. For practice, try the activity The Steps of making an Agreement and Following
Through

Before trying the activity here are some hints:
This is not about getting a child or teen to do what we want them to do. This is about
jointly looking for a solution to a mutual problem.
This tool works best for problems that are mutual problems, problems that both the
parent and child are involved with.
Pick only one issue to begin with. (Start small)
Dont make the agreement until you are sure you can follow through kindly
Dont impose a consequence anticipating that the agreement /solution wont work. The
power of this tool is the power of human to human agreements. If it doesnt work, look at
which trap you fell into (see list of traps in the handout).

Here are some examples of mutual problems
Family work (chores). Parents need help with the workload. The child(ren) can be
expected to contribute.
The mess in the common area. Keeping the common areas of the house picked up to the
family standard is a mutual problem. It is shared space.
Rudeness. All members of your family have a right to be treated with dignity and respect.
Agreements about any shared item or shared space (computer, cell phone, home phone,
car, musical instrument, loud music etc.)

Here are some examples of problems that might not be mutual problems (depending on the
household and the age of the child.)
A teenagers homework. (A pre teen or teens homework is the teens problem. He or she
can ask for help. But it is not the parents responsibility to see that it is done.)
A kids messy room. This is a tough one for some parents. It is appropriate to make sure a
youngster knows how to clean their room. But at some point, it is more important
that a child have their space free of parental nagging than that it be clean. Learn
to shut the door. Set some basic standards like once a week vacuuming if there
are small animals in the room or as you get comfortable with your childs
independence.


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Suggestions/ Activities
Try the Steps of Making an Agreement and Following Through Activity
Read the Handout Steps of Making and Follow Through Handout

Hints:
* See hints above.
* We cant say it often enoughif it didnt work, it wasnt a real agreement. Try again. It is no ones
fault that it didnt work the first time. This takes practice.
* The parent simply follows through on the agreement by firmly and respectfully requesting the
child to keep the agreement until it is done. (See steps) This is a critical step. As a parent, dont
make an agreement that you cannot follow through on.
* Dont make many agreements at once. You wont be able to follow through and then agreements
will become a meaningless. Start with only one at a time.
* You can make real agreements with kids as young as three or four as long as they are simple.
* You know your kids have learned this when they start solving problems with you by asking if you
would be willing to make an agreement with them.

Resources:
Positive Discipline, Nelsen,pp. 190-193
Positive Discipline the First Three Years, Nelsen, Erwin, Duffy, p, 192
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Nelsen, Erwin, Duffy, pp. 175-181, 230
Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Nelsen, Lott, Chapter 6
Positive Time Out: And Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles, Nelsen, pp. 27-28, 96-60
Positive Discipline for Single Parents, Nelsen, Erwin, Delzer, pp. 152-160C
Positive Discipline for Your Stepfamily, Nelsen, Erwin, Glenn, pp. 194-198
Positive Discipline in the Christian Home, Nelsen, Erwin, Brock, Hughes, p. 128
Positive Discipline for Childcare Providers, Nelsen, Erwin, pp. 47-48
Positive Discipline for Working Parents, Nelsen, Larson, pp. 16, 77-79, 81
Positive Discipline A-Z, Nelsen, Lott, Glenn, pp. 10-14
Empowering Your Teen and Yourself in the Process. A set of 7 audio tapes of a parenting class.

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Activity
The Steps of Making an Agreement and Following Through
Adapted from Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen.

Find a partner to go through these steps with you. Pick a real problem that you are having with
your child. Have the other person be you. You role-play the child.

Making the Agreement.
1. Hold a friendly discussion to gather and share information about what is going on for each
regarding the problem. (This is information gathering. The key here is listening. It might sound like
_____ is a problem for me because I_______. I am curious to know what is going on for you
regarding _______Remember! Listen. No lecturing. ) You can pause after this step in your role-
play. As the child did you feel your parent was listening to you? Were they really engaging you?
Or did it feel like they were manipulating you into something? If it felt like a manipulation, give
the parent a hint to help you feel heard and try the step again.

2. Invite suggestions for solutions. I wonder how you think we might solve this? Or I wonder if we
could brainstorm some solutions that we could both live with. Write down all the suggestions,
even though some of them are not appropriate (for either you or the child). After your child lists a
few, you can include some of your ideas.

3. In your role-play, jointly make a decision based on what the child is willing to do and what the
parent is willing to do. Invite your child to pick a solution that he or she thinks would be fair for
both of you. If the solution doesnt feel like it will be ok with you, let him or her know that. He or
she can pick another solution or you can suggest a modification you could both live with. Note
that when children first learn this process they will often not have any solutions. It is a good idea
to ask them to think about it for a day and come back (rather than just use your ideas.) ***
Caution: The power of this exercise relies on the power of agreements. DO NOT include a If you
dont do this, then. Inserting consequences into agreements undermines the whole process.
The hidden message is that I dont really trust you to keep this agreement so I need power over
you to make sure it happens. Agreements are about working with not power over and as you
practice you will discover, working with is much more powerful long term than continuing to try to
have power over.

4. Agree on a specific day and time for keeping the agreement. You cannot do follow up with a
deadline like bedtime or before dinner. The time element is too ambiguous. A handshake here
is a nice conclusion. It feels more trusting than a written contract (though some families use
contracts in writing.)

Now lets assume that it is the time for the agreement to have been filled and the child has not
kept his or her agreement. (This will happen in real life. Remember your child is just learning
about agreements too!) In your role-play, practice the steps of follow through. Use these hints:


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Four Hints for Effective Follow Through

1.Keep comments simple, kind and concise. ("I notice you didn't _____. Would you please do that
now?" or simply What was our agreement?)

2. In response to objections as "What was our agreement?"

3. In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use non-verbal communication (point to
your watch; smile knowingly; give a hug and point to your watch again).

4. When child concedes to keep to the agreement (sometimes with seeming annoyance or even
drama) politely say, "Thank you for keeping our agreement."

Pay attention to these Four Traps that Defeat Follow Through. They sneak up on you.

1. Wanting children to have the same priorities as parents.
2. Getting into judgments and criticism rather than sticking to the issue.
3. Not getting specific agreements in advance.
4.Not maintaining dignity and respect for the child and self. (Yelling, screaming, giving in etc.)

Note that occasionally the only way to maintain dignity and respect is to notice that you must not
have had a real agreement. This happens when your child agrees with you just to get you off of
his or her back. This happens when we really want our kids to do somethingand they dont
really feel like they have any choice. The way to deal with that is to allow everyone time to cool
down and then try to come to a new and more honest agreement the next day or a few hours
later.


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Handout
The Steps Making an Agreement and Follow Through
Source: Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen

Steps for Making an Agreement

1. A friendly discussion is held to gather and share information about what is going on for
each regarding the problem. (Including brainstorming)

2. Brainstorm for possible solutions and choose one that you and your child agree to

3. A deadline is agreed upon (a specific day and time- to the minute).

4. Understand children well enough to know that the deadline probably wont be met and
simply follow through by holding the child accountable.

Four Hints for Effective Follow Through

1.Keep comments simple and concise. ("I notice you didn't _____. Would you please do
that now?")

2. In response to objections as "What was our agreement?"

3. In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use non-verbal communication
(point to your watch; smile knowingly; give a hug and point to your watch again).

4. When child concedes to keep to the agreement (sometimes with drama or seeming
annoyance) politely say, "Thank you for keeping our agreement."

Four Traps that Defeat Follow Through

1. Wanting children to have the same priorities as parents.

2. Getting into judgments and criticism rather than sticking to the issue.

3. Not getting specific agreements in advance.

4. Not maintaining dignity and respect for the child and self.


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Enabling or Empowering?

Jane Nelsen frequently tells stories on herself and how she gets into her own mischief.
What she means by that is that as a parent her intentions are very good, but sometimes what she
does is not helpful (even though she wanted to be helpful).
It is easy to get into parenting mischief. Parents get there by intending to do well, but not
keeping long-term parenting goals in mind. One of the most frequent ways to get into mischief is
by enabling children. Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott define enabling as: Getting between young
people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their actions.
Pause for a moment and think about how this happens. Parents naturally protect children so
that they wont feel hurt, wont be in trouble, or so that life will be easier for the child. When you
protect your child by doing too much for him or rescuing him what does he learn? What important
skills is he not learning? Is he learning resiliency? Is he improving his own problem solving skills?
Is he learning how to handle disappointment or frustration?
At other times parents enable children by punishing or controlling. This is done with good
intentions too. Parents punish and control it to teach children a lesson. Although you hope that
your child will go away thinking about what she could do better next time, that rarely happens.
Instead she is focusing on the punishment and deciding how to respond. (Remember the four Rs
of punishment, resentment, rebellion, revenge and retreat?) Because the focus is off of the
problem and onto the punishment, you actually minimize the childs ability to explore his or her
responsibility.

Enabling responses include:
Doing too much for them
Giving them too much
Overprotecting/rescuing
Lying for them
Punishing/controlling (if you dont understand how this is enabling, see Results of
Punishment, page 109)
Living in denial
Fixing
Bailing them out
(You can add your favorites to this list)

These ideas were hard for Carl to understand. His son, Ross (12) had broken the kitchen window two days before.
Carl had warned Ross about breaking windows and asked him to play on the other side of the house many times.
Of course, Ross had not listened and the ball came right through the window. It could have hurt someone. Carl
took the ball and bat away, and grounded Ross for a week. He had it coming, he explained. Ross,
understandably was not happy about the arrangement. Carl reported that since the broken window Ross has
refused to talk or look at him. We asked Carl if he would be interested in learning more about how Ross might be
feeling. Another parent volunteered to play Carl and Carl agreed to play Ross. In the role-play the two parents
(playing Ross and Carl) re-enacted the scene right after the window was broken. After the role play they were
invited to share what they were feeling, thinking and deciding. The parent volunteer (playing Carl) shared the
feelings that Carl had expressed earlier: his anger at Ross, the feeling of being out of control, and wishing Ross
had just listened the first time. Carl (playing Ross in this scene) had a slightly awe struck look on his face. Playing
Ross in the role play had given him some insight. I wasnt thinking about the window at all, he said, somewhat
amazed.. All I could think of is how my Dad wasnt listening to me and going ballistic over just a window. Im just
feeling angry at Dad. Im thinking about how to get back at him for being so mean to me. The group then
brainstormed other ways of handling the problem together. After the brainstorm, Carl chose one of the mothers

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suggestions, which was to quietly go stand next to Ross and say I think you have a problem. Now what.? It
seemed like a radical approach and he decided to play Ross again in the second role-play, just to see how it
might feeland what might happen. The parent volunteer agreed to play Carl again. They role-played the same
scene with the window breaking. This time instead of stomping out of the house angrily Carl role-played walking
out of the house toward Ross and calmly said I think you have a problem. Now what? At first Ross (played by
Carl) looked a little panicked. Then he couldnt stay in the role play. He smiled. Wow, he said What a
difference! This time I feel really responsible. I dont really like the feeling much. I really blew itbut Im starting to
think about how to fix the window instead of what kind of creep my father is. He paused, and said more quietly, I
had no idea. This might actually work.

The suggestion given to Carl for the second role play was an empowering response. It
allowed Ross to notice what had happened and to explore the next step. The definition of
empowering is: Turning control over to young people as soon as possible so they have power
over their own lives. Empowering responses include:
Listening and giving emotional support and validation without fixing or discounting.
Teaching life skills.
Working on agreements through family meetings or the joint problem-solving process.
Letting go (without abandoning).
Deciding what you will do with dignity and respect.
Sharing what you think, how you feel, and what you want (without lecturing, moralizing,
insisting on agreement, or demanding that anyone give you what you want).
Sticking to the issues with dignity and respect.

Reflection: What do you do that might be enabling? When are you most likely to get into enabling
mischief?

What do you do that is empowering? Can you notice what kinds of things make it easier to empower?

These ideas might be challenging for you. We are so used to thinking that we are good parents
when we protect our children from pain or make life easier for them. Even though we mean well,
we do interfere with our children developing important life skills

Activities / Suggestions: Do the Enabling vs. Empowering Exercise. This one requires a minimum of three
people.

Hints:
* Because empowering can feel very awkward at first, start with small problems.

Resources:
Empowering Teen and Yourself in the Process. A set of 7 audio tapes by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen.
Positive Discipline, Nelsen, pp.42-43, Chapters 9 & 10
Positive Discipline the First Three Years, Nelsen, Erwin, Duffy, Chapters 5, 6 & 7
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Nelsen, Erwin, Duffy, Chapters 2, 3 & 4, pp. 93-95
Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Nelsen, Lott, Chapters 5, 7 10 & 11
Positive Time Out: And Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles, Nelsen, chapters 4, 9, 10, & 11
Positive Discipline for Single Parents, Nelsen, Erwin, Delzer, Chapters 4, 8, 11 & 12
Positive Discipline for Your Stepfamily, Nelsen, Erwin, Glenn, Chapters 8, 13 & 14
Positive Discipline in the Christian Home, Nelsen, Erwin, Brock, Hughes, Chapters 8, 9, & 10
Positive Discipline for Childcare Providers, Nelsen, Erwin, Chapters 3 & 6
Positive Discipline for Working Parents, Nelsen, Larson, Chapters 5, 6, & 7
Positive Discipline A-Z, Nelsen, Lott, Glenn, Part I, pp. 210-212

133
Activity:
Empowering versus Enabling
Adapted from Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen.

This is one of our favorite activities but works best in a group. See if you can find a group of
friends to do this with you. At a very minimum there need to be three people.

1. Take a look at the definitions of enabling and empowering. Think of examples of times you
enable your children. Think of examples of times you empower your children. You may notice
that it is easier to think about times you enable your children instead of times you empower
them. That is a common experience. Dont feel bad, instead realize that no one ever modeled
this for you. Be willing to be a learner here.

2. Take a look at the handout on the following page (sample empowering responses). This is a
list of empowering responses. Some of them may feel very awkward. Some may be ones that
you would feel comfortable saying if your child came up to you and said, I havent done my
homework.

3. Divide your group in two. Have one set of parents be the enablers. Have the other set of
parents be the empowerers.

4. Have the enablers look at the list of enabling responses (previous page) and think of what
they would say if their child came up to them and said I havent done my homework.
Remember the point here is to be enabling. So if this is not who you are, pretend you are a
neighbor, or some other good enabler you know.

5. Have the empowerers each look over the list of sample empowering responses and
(privately) pick two or three that they would feel comfortable saying if their child came up to
them and said I havent done my homework. The key here is just reading what is written.
Dont improvise. Yes, it will be awkward, and feel uncomfortable. New things feel awkward.

6. Have one person volunteer to be a child. The childs job is to walk back and forth between
the two types of parents (enablers and empowerers) and go up to parents individually and say
I havent done my homework. This works best if the child goes back and forth between
enablers and empowerers. You may find this kind of funny. Try to stifle the laughter and
instead notice what is going on. Watch body language. Imagine how you would feel if you
were the child.

7. After the child has gone back and forth 6 or 7 times stop. (If you have only a few parents, the
parents might have to choose several different responses. One for each time the child comes
to them and says, I havent done my homework.)

8. Share what you learned. After the child shares his or her observations. Give the enablers
and empowerers an opportunity to share what they noticed. After the sharing has slowed a bit
invite the child to think about which group of parents communicated the message of caring
more clearly. Which group of parents did the child respect more? Which group did the child
feel more respected by?


134
Handout
SAMPLE EMPOWERING RESPONSES

SHOWING FAITH: I have faith in you. I trust you to figure out what you need. I know that when
its important to you, youll know what to do.

RESPECTING PRIVACY: I respect your privacy and want you to know Im available if you want
to discuss this with me.

EXPRESSING YOUR LIMITS: Im not willing to bail you out with your teacher. If your teacher
wants more information, the three of us can get together to discuss the situation. Ill be there while
you explain. (A respectful attitude and tone of voice is essential)

LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING OR JUDGING: I would like to listen to what this means for you.

CONTROLLING YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR: If you need my help with your homework, please let
me know in advance

LETTING GO OF THEIR ISSUES: I hope youll go to college, but Im not sure its important to
you.

AGREEMENT NOT RULES: Could we sit down and see if we can work on a plan regarding
homework that we both can live with?

LOVING AND ENCOURAGING: I like you just the way you are and respect you to choose what
is right for you

ASKING FOR HELP: I need your help. Can you explain to me why it isnt important to you to do
your homework?

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS: Share your truth by using the I feel ________about/when
__________ because _________ and I wish ________ process without expecting anyone else to
feel the same or grant your wish. This is a great model for children to acknowledge their feelings
and wishes without expectations. I feel upset when you dont do your homework because I value
education so much and think it could be very beneficial to you in your life, and I really wish you
would do it.

JOINT PROBLEM SOLVING: What is your picture of what is going on regarding your homework?
Would you be willing to hear my concerns? Could we brainstorm together on possible solutions?

RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION: Im feeling too upset to talk about this right now. Lets put it
on the agenda for the family meeting so we can talk about it when Im not so emotional.

INFORMATION (INSTEAD OF ORDERS): I notice you spend a lot of time looking out the window
and talking during the time you have set aside for homework or I notice you often leave your
homework until the last minute and then feel discouraged about getting it done.

CURIOSITY: What is your plan?

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From: Working Draft of Positive Discipline Parenting Workbook

Jody McVittie and Barbara Kinney

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