Grief in the Workplace

1
Penny A. Hazelton
Gallagher Law Library
University of Washington School of Law
Many of us have been affected ersonally by the loss of loved ones ! a "other or
father# a child or souse# an e$tre"ely close relative or friend. %ut the events of
Sete"ber &&
th
"ade grief and the anticiation of further tragedy 'and grief( instantly real
to every one of us. Most of us suffered the sy"to"s of grief even when we did not
ersonally )now anyone who died in the terrorist attac)s. Most of us are still grieving
today.
*n our death!denying culture# grief is a ersonal thing not shared with others. %ut *
believe that the events of Sete"ber &&
th
have "ade us all recognize that we cannot leave
grief at the doorste of our wor)laces. Many of us were at wor) during the brea)ing
stories told by the "edia that day. And whether our grief is caused by the acts of
terroris" or has a "ore ersonal conte$t# we cannot deny that the sy"to"s of grief
create stresses that affect the eole and# therefore# the wor) in our libraries.
*n &++,# Margaret Leary had the courage to "oderate a rogra" at the AALL
Annual Meeting on -he Grieving Library
.
After the death of one of her staff fro" cancer#
she recognized the signs of collective and individual grief a"ong her staff and turned to
rofessional hel fro" a grief counselor. -he AALL rogra" featured a bereave"ent
theraist# Marcia Gray# who discussed the rocess of grief and gave concrete suggestions
to handle a variety of situations. * have drawn on Marcia Gray/s "aterials since they "ay
not be readily available to everyone# on "y own e$eriences# and on the e$eriences of
those around "e.
* feel surrounded by grief so"e days ! "y own and the grief of those around "e.
A wonderful colleague and friend here at the Gallagher Law Library# Melissa Landers#
died of breast cancer in &+0+ at the age of 1,. Marian Gould Gallagher# Law Librarian at
the University of Washington School of Law for 12 years# died suddenly in an
auto"obile accident later that sa"e year. 3ver the following years# Mary Starr and Ann
Magee 'law school e"loyees who wor)ed closely with library staff( died of cancer4
Mary Louderbac)# our wonderful 5irculation Librarian# died of a heart attac)
co"licated by diabetes4 and in 6ust the ast si$ years no fewer than thirteen current
library staff "e"bers have suffered the death of one or "ore arents.
Peole who have lost loved ones e$erience that loss in "any ways. Marcia Gray
classified these e$eriences as behavioral# cognitive# siritual# e"otional# and hysical.
Loss is art of life. 3ur efforts to understand the grief associated with loss are useful
tools in coing with the ain. How "any of these classic sy"to"s did you e$erience
on Sete"ber &&
th
and there after7
&
Behavioral
5o""on e$eriences of eole who have encountered a loss include how we act
or behave. Sy"to"atic of those e$eriencing a loss are8
9 Low self!confidence
9 Lac) of energy
9 Little social interest
9 :o interest in co""unicating
9 Absence of friends or affection
9 ;ecreased ability to "a)e lans or decisions# or to <do=
Cognitive
5ognitive e$ressions of loss reflect use of our "ental and analytical abilities.
5o""on e$eriences are8
9 ;ecreased ability to concentrate
9 Uni"aginable future
9 >orgotten ast
9 -riviality of everyday life
9 3verwhel"ed by finality of loss
9 *nability to understand why or what haened
9 5onse?uences of loss
Emotional
We e$erience loss through the way we feel. >eelings co""only associated with
loss include8
9 Sadness
9 >eelings on the surface
9 Longing@yearning
9 Absence of ositive feelings
9 Hellessness
9 A"tiness@loneliness
9 >eeling unconnected to anyone@thing
9 Guilt or sha"e associated with feelings of owerlessness
Physical
3ur hysical self is not i""une fro" a loss. :or"al# hysical sy"to"s of grief
include8
9 >atigue@e$haustion
9 Bestlessness
9 :u"bness
9 5rying# sobbing# sighing
9 Multile sy"to"s of ail"ents
9 Aating and sleeing disturbances
9 5hange in se$ual desire# or in needing to be shown affection or to be touched
9 5rying uncontrollably
.
Spiritual
3ur soul or sirit is also affected by loss. We "ay find ourselves e$eriencing8
9 A"tiness@"eaninglessness
9 Loss of faith or ?uestioning beliefs
9 :eed to reassess life/s significance
9 Sensing loss of art of self
9 Loss of desire to live
9 *nability to see ositives
9 Missing the love not now here
9 Awareness of life/s fragility
9 %otto"less desair
9 Profound feelings of aloneness
Grief
Grief is a natural resonse to a loss. We cannot love and lose those we love
without grief. Grieving is a rocess ! a rocess that varies fro" erson to erson. So"e
eole try to deny the grieving e$erience# but it will be e$erienced# eventually.
Grieving "eans to face the reality of your loss# feel the ain# and find a way to "ove
beyond the hurt and vulnerability you feel.
Grieving "oves bac) and forth along a sectru" that begins with shoc)# disbelief#
confusion# i""obility# anger# guilt and deression and ends 'we hoe( with accetance#
ad6ust"ent# new relationshis and interests# greater co"assion# and a realization of
ersonal growth. -he end of the rocess of grief does not "ean we no longer love the
erson or ersons who died or that we no longer care4 6ust that we have ad6usted to their
absence and "oved on in our lives.
*n the wor)lace loss can be e$erienced in "any ways4 the death of a co!wor)er
after a long illness4 the sudden death of a co!wor)er or death after a very short illness4 the
death of a co!wor)er/s loved one4 sudden catastrohic death caused by the attac)s on the
federal building in 3)laho"a 5ity or by the terrorist attac)s of Sete"ber &&
th
. All of
these losses have a conse?uence in a wor)lace and need the attention of every "e"ber
of the organization.
Without intention to trivialize death of hu"an beings# we would do well to
re"e"ber that we suffer "any other losses that can cause the resonse of grieving. -he
failure of a "arriage or changes in other i"ortant relationshis# the death of a beloved
et# even the "ove to a new building or creation of a new rocedure can create a loss that
"ay have to be rocessed through grieving.
3ne of "y favorite boo)s on the sub6ect of loss is a s"all aerbac) by Peter
McWillia"s.
1
-his is a boo) that does not have to be read fro" the beginning to the end.
Cou can read s"all arts of it and find co"fort in the nor"alcy of your e$eriences.
Aven "y 2+ year!old father found this s"all to"e helful as he tried to deal with the ain
when "y "other died suddenly a few years ago. *t heled hi" to understand that his
1
feelings of resent"ent# anger# loss# regret# sadness# and shoc) were all nor"al
e$eriences. Aven his hysical sy"to"s were identified as art of the grieving rocess.
And the boo) heled "e to re"e"ber to chide hi" into ta)ing good care of hi"self
during the hard "onths following her death.
Serious Illness of Co-Worker
>ro" the various scenarios we have e$erienced or can i"agine# the serious
illness of a co!wor)er# articularly one that ends in death# can be very trau"atic for an
organization and its staff. -here are two sets of concerns that need attention during the
illness hase. 3bviously# the erson who is ill needs our sy"athy and attention. 5an
they continue full e"loy"ent7 What haens when they use all their sic) leave7 ;o
they need so"eone to tal) to about their situation7
3n the other hand# all the co!wor)ers of that sic) erson also need to rocess how
they feel and act when a co!wor)er is stric)en with a terrible disease. Particularly where
death see"s a li)ely outco"e# the rocess of dealing with a very serious illness by the
friends# fa"ily# and co!wor)ers of the sic) erson is so"eti"es called anticiatory grief.
Put in a co"letely different conte$t# "any A"ericans felt the effects of
anticiatory grief on Sete"ber &&
th
and the following days as we waited to learn who
and how "any had died in the terrorist attac)s. We began the rocess of grieving the loss
of eole we )new or erhas did not even )now ersonally. We were shoc)ed4 we were
sad4 we got "ad ! all natural arts of the grieving rocess.
What heled "ost of us get through those days following Sete"ber &&th7 Many
of us needed to tal) with others about those unbelievable events in order to rocess the
reality of the horrible conse?uences8 describing where you were when you first learned
about the attac)s4 seculation about the courage of the assengers in the airlanes and on
the to floors of the -rade 5enter4 tal) about who had carried out such a heinous cri"e4
the re"ar)able outouring of e"ergency and "edical ersonnel in :ew Cor) 5ity4 the
stories of those who died and those who lived through the e$erience at Ground Dero or
the Pentagon. We shared this e$erience# this ain# with others to hel rocess the sense
of loss and hellessness that we felt.
* believe that we need to hel co!wor)ers rocess the anger and ain we feel when
a colleague beco"es seriously ill. %ut instead# so"ething else often haens. We begin to
rocess the fact that things will be very different. So"eti"es as co!wor)ers we begin to
withdraw and avoid the sic) erson because we are afraid of what to say. Watching
so"eone beco"e "ore and "ore ill can lower our ability to coe with the nor"al
situations of our own life.
Enowing that so"eone is very ill and erhas dying "a)es us feel vulnerable and
fragile. *t "ay re"ind us of other loved ones who have died and a grieving rocess that is
not yet finished with the". 3r it "ay re"ind us of our own "ortality. -he sic) erson
re"inds us every day of the unleasantness and fears we associate with dying. So we ull
F
away# trying to rotect ourselves fro" the ain of facing these difficulties. And# worse#
we ull away fro" the erson who is ill because of our fears ! at a ti"e they robably
need us the "ost.
When Melissa/s condition see"ed to be seeding out of control# her co!wor)ers
and * felt co"letely owerless to hel her. We did not want to interfere with her rivate
life and yet it was i"ossible to ignore her declining health. We )new she had to be
worried about how long she could continue to wor)# about rovisions for her husband if
she died# tas)s and ro6ects she "ight be unable to finish. >inally# we sat down for a long
tal) about her illness# her fa"ily and husband# her feelings and "ine.
* ad"it to feeling relieved to finally tal) about what we were both thin)ing. -his
conversation was very ainful for both of us. We cried# and we laughed hysterically. We
"ade so"e lans and tal)ed about contingencies and ossibilities. We too) so"e ro6ects
off the to!do list and rerioritized others. %oth Melissa and * felt a great sense of cal"
after this conversation. * was certainly not done grieving and she was not ready to give u
to her disease. %ut facing so"e of the hard ?uestions was theraeutic for us both.
5aring about so"eone in the wor)lace in this situation "a)es confronting hard
and ainful ideas very difficult. %ut to retend that everything is nor"al is very stressful
for everyone as well. *f the sic) erson does not feel that they can have such a
conversation with their suervisor or the library director# find out what resources are
available in your organization to hel with such situations or encourage the" to tal) to a
close friend or relative.
What can you do to hel so"eone with a ter"inal disease7 3ffer to listen if they
need to tal) or rant or cry. ;on/t give the" false hoe# but recognize the hard ti"es they
are handling. As) how their fa"ily "e"bers are coing. Pic) u their "edicine. -a)e
the" to the doctor. %e )ind. 5are. Ma)e a freezer dinner for a night they "ight not feel
li)e coo)ing. As) how they feel# but be reared so"eti"es for a short or terse rely. %e
ready to listen further# but don/t ush if they don/t thin) they can tal) "ore now. Let
the" cry. *t is o)ay for you to cry# too. Give the" a hug. Hel the erson re define hoe !
hoe "ay be to wor) right until the end4 hoe "ay be to die a"ong fa"ily and friends4
hoe "ay be to try every new treat"ent. Let the" )now you care.
Death of a Co-Worker
*n the case of death being receded by a long illness# your anticiatory grief will
not "a)e the loss of the erson any less ainful. %ut it can give you ti"e to get used to
the idea of the erson/s death. A sudden death has a shoc) value that often ta)es a long
ti"e to rocess. *n either case# the loss felt by you and your staff will see" botto"less.
Aach erson in the organization will grieve in a different way and be at different laces
along the grieving rocess sectru". However# 6ust because everyone grieves differently
does not "ean that you should ignore how eole feel and retend that nothing is
different. *gnoring the signs of grief will si"ly ostone the rocess4 it will not go away
by itself.
,
;eath "ay be a natural art of life# but the death of a co!wor)er will "a)e
everyone feel anything but nor"al. We "ay be angry# resentful that the erson left so
"any ro6ects undone. We "ay be listless and unable to do our own wor). We "ay be
rone to crying and sobbing. We "ay be sad or deressed. We "ay be unable to thin)
about hiring a relace"ent or having others do arts of their 6ob. We "ay be in denial
that anything bad really haened. All of these reactions are coing "echanis"s that hel
us get through the hard ti"es.
A natural art of the grieving rocess is to wonder why such terrible things have
to haen at all. We want to "a)e sense of these tragedies. A boo) called When Bad
Things Happen to Good People
4
"ay hel you as it has heled "e. Written by a Babbi
whose son died at the age of &F of raid aging or rogeria# this boo) heled "e
understand that eole die because they have diseases and conditions that cause death4
that there is a certain rando"ness to who dies when and under what circu"stances4 that
we should as) what do * do now that a death has occurred# not why did this erson die.
-his boo) has a universal aeal that gave "e so"e co"fort when * was trying to
understand Melissa/s death.
So how should a library react when there has been such a loss7 So"e find that
s"all# infor"al grous "eeting to tal) about the erson and how they feel about his or
her death can be very useful. 3ther co!wor)ers "ay not feel co"fortable with a grou
effort# but "ay be heled if a rofessional grief counselor is brought in for individual
sessions. Since grief is a rocess# consider several sessions.
-al) about the erson. Be"e"ber their strengths and their ?uir)s. -hin) how they
would react to certain olicies or ideas. Laugh and cry. Perhas you need to hold your
own "e"orial service to honor and re"e"ber the erson. Such a service can hel eole
rocess their grief and ain and give closure for others.
3r thin) of a secial way to honor your for"er colleague. With gifts fro" her
fa"ily and her "any friends# we created a scholarshi in honor of Melissa. We have
encouraged non!G; librarians into careers in law librarianshi with annual scholarshis.
3ver the ast twelve years# &. librarians have benefited fro" this fund and the size of the
award is now H2,I. 3ver H1I#III is now in this fundJ Avery year when colleagues write
their chec)s to contribute to the fund and when we announce the winners# we can
re"e"ber what our friend and colleague Melissa reresented to us.
Grieving Staff Memers
So"eti"es grief in the wor)lace has nothing to do with the death of a co!wor)er.
%ut individual e"loyees are grieving the death of a child or arent or other loved one.
Aven though you "ay not )now the erson who died# the survivor is your colleague and
co!wor)er. ;o we recognize these losses of our colleagues or ignore the" because they
are ersonal and there is no lace for such concerns on the 6ob7
K
*t should be obvious that * thin) we ignore this issue at our eril. -o fail to show
sy"athy and concern for the grieving co!wor)er is not hu"ane. -he grieving staff
"e"ber will li)ely need ti"e off# erhas at a ti"e that is hard or bad for the institution.
-he erson is li)ely not to be wor)ing at full roduction for so"e ti"e. 3ther staff "ay
need to cover or add resonsibilities during the interi".
Aven in the best of circu"stances# the staff erson/s loss is bound to have an
i"act library!wide. %e sensitive to the erson/s needs. Provide safe laces to tal) and
cry. Believe the" of as "uch stress as ossible. Suort their needs to travel and ta)e
care of ersonal business that "ight be the result of the death. Enow your institutions/
olicies for bereave"ent leave. Ancourage grieving staff "e"bers to ta)e care of
the"selves during this ti"e. And# erhas "ost i"ortantly# be atient. -here is no ti"e
li"it on grieving. ;on/t "a)e the assu"tion that they should be done grieving
according to your ti"etable.
Marcia Gray suggests that you center yourself before tal)ing or visiting with ill or
grieving ersons. And re"e"ber that the rocess ta)es ti"e. Ms. Gray outlines the
following ways to hel others hel the"selves8
&. Hel the erson focus on the resent rather than the ast or future. Me"ories can be
helful in the healing rocess.
.. Ancourage the erson to set a ti"e and lace where he can be alone to feel his
feelings.
1. Ancourage the individual to lean into the ain 'thin) about the loss and what it will
"ean4 face the reality of the death( when ossible. Although difficult and ainful# this is
e$tre"ely healing.
F. A"ower her to listen to# trust# and have faith in herself.
,. Loo) for new ways of being connected. Beach out to others# esecially to friends of
the sa"e se$.
K. Ancourage the erson to e$a"ine the relationshis in her life.
with souse# arent# surviving child# and other fa"ily "e"bers
the deceased 'the relationshi did not end but it did change(
friends
self
God or however each erson defines his or her higher ower
2. Suggest )eeing a 6ournal about the grief e$erience. -his can be very theraeutic.
0. Ancourage the erson to tal) and cry with so"eone with who" he feels safe.
+. Be"ind the erson to filter advice fro" others# )eeing only that which is helful.
Also# this is the ti"e to as) for what she or he needs. :o one is a "ind reader. 3n this
oint# as) if you can attend to a secific tas)# don/t say# <-ell "e what to do.=
&I. Be"ind the individual that although the e$erience "ay not feel nor"al# the ain#
confusion and distress are very nor"al. -his is the ti"e to ta)e e$tra good care of the
whole self.
2
Conclusion
3ur te"tation when confronted with a ter"inal illness or a death in the
wor)lace is to ignore the sy"to"s of loss until they see" to go away. Sete"ber &&
th

"ade it clear to all of us that healing could begin to ta)e lace through confronting the
ainful i"ages and their conse?uences. Wor)ing through our ain and anguish with
discussion# education# crying# anger# and frustration can hel us coe with those tragic
losses. Grief is in the wor)lace. %ut we can survive its i"act and conse?uences by
heling others recognize the sy"to"s. Understanding the rocess of grief and the
e$eriences co""on to all )inds of losses can "a)e our wor)laces "ore hu"ane and
hel each of us rocess grief in a nor"al and healthy "anner.
0
L
Many than)s to "y wonderful colleagues at the Gallagher Law Library who have heled "e understand the reality of grief
and the wor)lace. A secial than)s to Peggy Boebuc) Garrett who read this article and "ade "any useful suggestions.
.
A"erican Association of Law Libraries# Educational Program Handout Materials, <-he Grieving Library=# Progra" G!1
'AALL# &++,(. See also# <-he Grieving Library= Progra" G!1 in AALL &++, Annual Meeting# Pittsburgh# Guly &,!.I
Msound recordingN'AALL# &++,(.
1
Peter McWillia"s# How to Survive the Loss o a Love '&++1(
F
Harold S. Eushner# When Bad Things Happen to Good People 'Avon %oo)s# &+0&(