Self-loving versus self-abuse

An essay on dealing with masturbation guilt

By Wild Orchid
Beta read and corrected by Tod

People who disapprove of auto-erotic practices often call them self-abuse. The term is of course
used less frequently than in say XIX century but still too often to describe what is by no means
abusing. However, I feel that this old-fashioned expression shouldn't disappear from our
dictionaries. It has only to change its meaning. Why not limit it to the auto-erotic practices that
bring us guilt that destroys the pleasure? If defined that way I'm totally against self-abuse. And pro
self-loving.
Self-loving (a term created probably by Betty Dodson) as opposed to self-abuse is a creative and
beneficial activity. Not only does it brings us pleasure but it is the greatest teacher about our own
sexuality. No sex manual can replace the knowledge you gain by means of experimentation. And
this kind of playing the sex scientist is completely safe... Oh! I got quite carried away. The topic I
meant to discuss was guilt – an obstacle towards pleasure. Not the pleasure itself. But don't worry, I
will get to the good parts.
Guilt is an unpleasant, nagging feeling that our mind produces after it decides that we did
something wrong. In extreme cases it can even cause physical symptoms such as nausea. Note that I
wrote that it is our mind that judges our behavior. Namely ourselves. We do that based on what we
were taught is right or wrong. There is no universal moral compass that works for everyone. If we
find a new shiny phone on the pavement and decide to keep it to ourselves guilt eats at us until we
at least try to identify the owner and return it. Put that way guilt keeps most of the society in line.
We can always hope that if we lose something the finder will notify us to avoid feeling guilty – to
do what is right. Although that aspect of guilt is beneficial – it forces us to correct our wrongdoings,
it serves us only when guilt is assigned for real transgressions.
The typical pattern of the guilty female masturbator is as follows: she gets curious about her body
and starts exploring it. She discovers pleasure but soon is told (she doesn't have to remember it) that
what she did was wrong. She tries not to repeat the behavior but the promise of the pleasure seduces
her to do so. Then she feels guilty and vows never to do it again. The promise is of course broken.
Hormones and biological drive fight with what she believes is right and her mind becomes their
battleground. This may push her to destructive behavior such as unprotected or premature sexual
contacts. Adults frown at premarital sex and even though her peers glorify it, masturbation still
stays taboo. Refusing to take care of herself and not insisting on condoms may be caused by her
need to punish herself.
As you see guilt doesn't help in this case. It causes serious harm. The girl suffers and I want to ask:
why the fuck for? She could be enjoying her sexuality safely and benefiting from it throughout her
whole life. Guilty masturbators try to solve their problems by ditching masturbation. It works
poorly at best. I've got better solution: ditch the guilt!
The first step of ridding yourself of undeserved guilt is to ask yourself: why what I do is bad? Once
you find the reasons you may begin verifying them. However you may realize that your answer is “I
don't know. It just is”. This is not the way somebody who wants to call herself intelligent lets herself
think.
Most common “reasons” for masturbation guilt in women are: it is unhealthy, it is unnatural, it is
immoral (sin), “I want to save myself for Mr. Right”, “it's disgusting, I'll spoil myself”. What they
have in common is that they are all based on incorrect information or other people's opinions only.
First of all self-loving is the safest kind of sex. You can't catch an STD or get pregnant by it.
Furthermore there is absolutely nothing unhealthy about it. Masturbation sessions are not only
pleasurable but improve blood circulations to your sexual organs. Your brain releases dopamine and
oxytocin that improve your mood and your relationship with your body. Relief caused by orgasm
helps you relax, reduces PMS and deals with stress-related insomnia. Those methods were tested for
thousands of years (remember that written history is only a fraction of the time since we – homo
sapiens appeared) and found effective and safe – no drug can compete with that!
How would you define natural? Something that comes from instinct, doesn't have to be learned.
Maybe something animals do. You may be surprised but masturbation fits those criteria. Children
experiment with their bodies as soon as they are able to do so. Even in the womb! There is scientific
evidence of masturbation in utero. It's only later that our parents take our hand away from our
genitals the same way as they take it away from the hot iron before we scald ourselves.
Subconsciously we vow not to explore our genitals. We are too young to know that by doing that we
lose vital opportunities.
All the primates masturbate as well as dolphins and even porcupines. Auto-erotic practices are
generally associated by biologists with higher brain development in mammals. It's different for
birds because their brains are organized differently.
I hope it was enough to list the facts in the last paragraph to make you question the perceived
immorality of masturbation. Immoral behavior is first and foremost the one that harms you or the
others particularly those that trust you. Trying to seduce your friend's boyfriend is immoral.
Cheating on a test is immoral. But masturbation? I doesn't harm you and it doesn't even concern the
others. Who is hurt by it?
I'm amused by Christians who try to decree that masturbation is a sin. There is no precise rule in the
Bible (some researchers of the Bible emphasize that “being unclean” as in “not bathing regularly”
was considered sinful. Jews – and remember: they started what became Christianity and they wrote
Old Testament – have very defined views on hygiene. For example there are a lot of rules about
menstruation.) and even if there was, the church already discarded a lot of what Bible says. For
example you wouldn't be eating plain old pork if they didn't. We cannot base our lives on the
knowledge and beliefs of people who lived two thousand years ago without verifying it. If religion
is important for you remember that the if world was created by God so was sexuality and
masturbation. How would a fetus be created otherwise? Sexuality and masturbation are as innocent
as you can get. And what about all the animals that are doing it?
I remember that I practiced self-loving before I found out that Church frowns upon it. My only
reaction was: “how silly of them”. And that was it. But I was always one for independent thinking.
That was what kept me from self-abuse until I grew out of believing in my imaginary friend above.
As for saving yourself for Mr. Right, remember what Betty Dodson said: “how we make love to
ourselves is what we bring to partner sex”. By “saving yourself” you dump all the responsibility for
pleasurable sex on your partner. Instead of sharing what you know, you expect him to know things
about yourself that you felt unworthy to learn. Yes, you deserve to know and explore your sexuality.
You deserve to learn pleasure. It won't lessen the experiences with your partner – it will only
enhance them. If you know your body and are not afraid to share that knowledge you can forget
about most of the problems with orgasm and arousal.
A lot of young girls are disappointed when they first try partner sex. It's mostly because they move
straight for intercourse and either don't know about the pleasure clitoral stimulation may add to the
experience or are afraid to ask for it. They may think they broke themselves by masturbation. It's
not true. You can't turn off your vagina by pressing the c-button. About three quarters of women
need some form of clitoral stimulation to come. Don't blame yourself but incorporate what you
learned on your own into partner sex. Make the encounters about the both of you, not only about
him or even worse about what your friends tell you is “ok”. What is more starting sexual
relationship with your partner doesn't mean you “should” give up on your self-loving sessions.
They'll help you maintain good relationship with your body and let you enjoy partner-sex without
extra pressure to get off.
After challenging your beliefs the real work begins. To rid yourself of masturbation guilt you have
to work on it every time it surfaces. Take negative thoughts and remodel them into positive ones.
The less “bad” thoughts you let slip unchecked the faster you are going to succeed. Take pride in
your sexuality and your ability to make yourself feel good. You deserve sexual pleasure. You can
find more information on stopping negative thoughts in books like “Sex Matters for Women - A
Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self” by Sallie Foley, Sally A . Kope and Denni s P.
Sugrue. They are located in the chapter dealing with correcting bad body image.
Never underestimate the power of knowledge - educate yourself. That way you can avoid being
bitten by a guilt bug again. Good place to start is a classic book “Sex for One” by Betty Dodson . If
you want information on other sexual matters check out reliable web sites such as Dodson and
Ross, The Clitoris and Scarleteen. Always check if the sources you access are reliable – a lot of
Abstinence Only programs disguise their propaganda as results of a scientific research.