3 reasons why you are trying to change but FAILING to do so:

1) You are doing the same old stuff yet expecting new results. Same distractions, temptations &
complications. Same old you.
2) Lack of self-discipline. You need to decide the 4 most imp things and then do them with
extreme doggedness. Else, NO POINT!
3) You are menti-sental. Your feelings are your GOD. They run you (and ruin you). Drop those
junk emotions in the nearest trashcan. And move on with lesser baggage.
Rise & Shine!

Why We Criticize and What to
Do about It
By Chuck Gallozzi

What do you think of people who descend on their friends like vultures,
criticizing, maligning, ridiculing, scorning, blaming, insulting, and belittling
them? Actual vultures feed on carrion, but these human vultures pick their
friends apart while they are still alive. Our family members are supposed to
be our closest friends, yet even they may engage in the same malicious
tactics. Its time to impose a cease-fire, and the best way to start is to
become aware of our actions and to accept responsibility for them.

When we criticize others, we do not expose them, but expose ourselves. We
broadcast our own weakness and smallness. For as an unknown author
wrote, The most censorious are generally the least judicious, or deserving,
who, having nothing to recommend themselves, will be finding fault with
others. No man envies the merit of another who has enough of his own.

What would you think if I were to tell you that Im brilliant? Would you be
impressed? Not at all, you would think that Im vain or delusional. For this
reason, rather than boasting about our imagined greatness, we disguise what
we wish to say by criticizing others. In other words, when we speak about
the supposed inferiority of others, it is just a clever ploy to announce our
own superiority. Yet, those who are genuinely superior dont speak about it,
and those who believe they are inferior, pretend to be otherwise.

This being the case, arent our criticisms misdirected? Dont we need to
redirect our energy? Our time would be spent much more productively if we
would practice self-criticism (self-improvement) instead of attacking others.
How can we see the faults of others so clearly, unless we share the same
weaknesses? Lets take advantage of this clarity of vision by eliminating our
own faults. When we do so, we will no longer need to pretend we are
superior, and we will, therefore, stop criticizing others.

The Pain of Criticism
Imagine stabbing a friend in a fit of anger. As the knife blade sinks into his
chest, your friend gasps in astonishment. Bewildered, his face contorts in
excruciating pain. Losing blood and succumbing to shock, he collapses.
Fortunately, someone called an ambulance, which quickly arrived and rushed
your friend to the hospital. Although he recovered, his chest is marred for life
by an ugly scar.

Hard to imagine you would do that, isnt it? And if you did, after realizing the
harm you have done, I am sure you would never repeat such an act. Yet,
many of us, almost daily, stab the ones we love. We use invisible knives that
do not draw blood. The weapon of choice is criticism. The harm we do is just
as vile as that produced by a real knife.

Our criticism tears down their self-esteem. They feel unloved and experience
self-doubt. Before their wounds have time to heal, we stab them again and
again in the same place. How can we be so cruel? Perhaps we are deceived
because our weapon and the victims wounds are invisible. Why are we so
vicious? It is because of our own insecurities.

How can we improve? The next time you feel like butchering someone with
caustic words, pause for a moment, and in your imagination, make your
knife visible. Once you realize the harm you are about to inflict, Im sure you
will stop.

The Story of Bobby
I was in the Humane Society, in the adoption room for cats. As I peered
through the bars of the cage in front of me, I saw vacant, yet beautiful, blue
eyes. They belonged to a six-year-old stray cat named Bobby. He had
reddish-brown and black stripes and his front paws were enormous,
reminding me of a tiger. When I spoke to the attendant about him, she
warned me that he did not like to be handled and he should not be adopted
by anyone looking for an affectionate cat. Good grief, I thought, whos
going to adopt an unfriendly six-year old cat? I figured Id better rescue him
from an almost certain death, so I adopted him.

Bobby was declawed. He probably escaped from the home of his owner and
roamed the streets. One day, however, he was brutally attacked. Someone
hacked off most of his tail and smashed his pelvis with a baseball bat.
Because the stub of his tail made him resemble a bobcat, the attendants at
the Humane Society named him, Bobby.

His damaged pelvis caused his rear end to taper and instead of walking
gracefully, he would hop. Poor Bobby was traumatized. When he first arrived
in his new home, he hid under a bed for a day or so. But hunger pangs finally
persuaded him to come out from his hiding place. Whenever we picked up
the broom to sweep the floor, he fled in terror. It took a long time for him to
realize the broom was an instrument to clean the floor, not a weapon to beat
him with.

After two years, Bobby was finally confident enough to come of his own and
jump into my lap. Whenever he would do so, I would gently pet him. But,
after a few minutes, he would suddenly bite my arm, drawing blood, and
then hop away as quickly as he could. Though the bites were painful and
messy, I never did get angry. After all, I understood. Bobby was
experiencing a traumatic flashback and defending himself the only way a
declawed cat could, by biting.

Why am I writing about Bobby? Because many of us, like him, have been
injured psychologically to one degree or another. Perceiving an imagined
threat, we snap at others. The difference between Bobby and us, however, is
that his injuries were clearly visible: a missing tail, tapered rear end, and an
inability to walk gracefully. Not so with those we meet daily. Their injuries
are psychological and hidden from view. As a result, we usually dont realize
their attacks are not due to viciousness, but to pain they have experienced.

So, the next time your boss, spouse, or anyone else unfairly attacks you,
dont get angry. Instead, pause, and imagine it is Bobby biting you. If it
were, you wouldnt get angry, would you? If we would treat others as well as
we would treat Bobby, it would be a much better world. Besides,
sometimes we are Bobby, attacking others for no clear reason. At such a
time, lets hope our victims will recognize us as Bobby and forgive us.

When we look at an iceberg, we see only a small part of it. Similarly, when
we look at others, it is rare indeed that we see any deeper than the surface.
Isnt this one of the reasons why it is so easy to criticize? If we can penetrate
the heart of others and feel their pain, fear, and loneliness, how could we be
critical? Instead of judging others, lets appreciate them. For as Mother
Teresa said, If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

Does this mean all criticism is bad? Not at all. But it should be used in two
cases only. First, parents, teachers, supervisors, and others in authority have
an obligation to correct the faults of those they are responsible for. Second,
we can offer our advice to friends and others who ask for it. But dont offer it
unless they request it. Whether its those we are responsible for or our
friends, we must always frame our suggestions in a positive or helpful
manner. What is the difference between constructive and destructive
criticism? We seem to believe that when we criticize others, it is constructive,
and when they criticize us, it is destructive. But that is not what I mean here.
To clarify, I offer the following guidelines for constructive criticism.

1. Be particularly careful when your friends ask for advice. Before offering
any, be sure that is what they really want. Often, when friends ask for
guidance all they want is someone to listen. They may want to arrive at their
own solutions by bouncing their ideas off you. Or, they may have already
decided on a course of action and would like to hear you agree that they
have made the right decision. In other words, theyre not looking for advice,
but looking for support. So, be sensitive to their needs.

2. Use a carrot, not a whip. Use praise, not criticism. Heres what Charles M.
Schwab had to say on the subject, In my wide association in life, meeting
with many and great men in various parts of the world, I have yet to find the
man, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and
put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do
under a spirit of criticism.

3. Be a coach, not a critic. Offer support, not criticism. Edmund Burke
explains, Applaud us when we run; Console us when we fall; Cheer us when
we recover.

4. Before beginning, think of your own weaknesses. This will help you to
frame everything more gently. Follow the sage advice of the Chinese, Do
not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friends forehead.

5. Start on a positive note. First explain what they are doing right and what
you like about their behaviour. And follow this with suggestions on how they
can do even better. Assure them that you are confident in their ability.

6. Dont expect others to do what you are not willing to do.

7. When people complain to you about others, get the viewpoint of the
person theyre complaining about before criticizing him or her.

8. Take special care before criticizing those who lack the power to defend
themselves.

9. Evaluate those under your care not by their present level of behaviour,
but by the progress they have already made and can continue to make.

10. Consider your counsel unsuccessful unless those you advise leave feeling
they have been helped.

11. Judge others actions not by what you think, but by what they thought at
the time. It is not the action as much as it is the intention that needs to be
considered. Use the same standard that you use to judge yourself. Too often,
we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our ideals, aspirations, and
good intentions.

12. Offer them an opportunity to save face. Dont trap them in a dead end.
Give them an escape route.

13. Follow the advice offered in the Native American proverb, Never criticize
a man until youve walked a mile in his moccasins.


What to Do when You Are Criticized
What should you do when you are the victim of criticism? Here are some
tips:

1. Use the criticism as a learning experience. That is, remember the pain you
feel, and vow not to do the same to others.

2. Remember they are using invisible weapons, so are unaware of the pain
they are causing. Forgive them.

3. Remember their pain. What do I mean by that? Heres an explanation by
someone whos used to getting criticized, the singer Boy George, When folks
is mean, it aint that they hate you personal. Its more likely because they
are miserable about something in their inside. You got to remember how
most of the time when they yell at you or get after you, it aint you they are
yelling at but something inside themselves you never even heard tell of, like
some other person has been mean to them, or something they hoped for
didnt come true, or they done something they are shamed even to think of,
so they get mad at you just to keep their minds off it.

4. Remember not everyone is equally enlightened, or as John Wanamaker
said, I learned 30 years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble
overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has
not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.

5. After being criticized, thank them for their advice and promise to take it
into consideration. By thanking them, you are disarming their antagonism
and ending the conversation peacefully.

6. Consider the source. The person criticizing you may be incompetent or
envious. If so, after thanking them for their advice, just brush it off.

7. Evaluate the criticism. Although the complaint is subjective, there still may
be some truth to what they say. Try to use this as an opportunity to grow.
Remember, you are imperfect and others may see your flaws more clearly.
Learn from them whenever you can, but dont return the favor by criticizing
others!

It is natural to make mistakes, including the type that hurts others. And
when we do so, we may dismiss our mistakes with a simple, Whoops, sorry
about that, Im only human, you know. Yes, were only human; thats why
pencils have erasers. But have you noticed that when we are the victims of
the mistakes of others, we may become angry and hold it against them? In
other words, if we make a mistake, its because were only human, but if
they make a mistake, its because theyre stupid! Not rational, is it?

If we catch ourselves becoming angry by someones carelessness, why not
stop and forgive them? Its an opportunity to transcend our humanity and act
in a divine way. The purpose of forgiveness is not to absolve others, for who
are we to judge them? Rather, the purpose is to free ourselves from the
toxicity of resentment, animosity, and bitterness. Those who hold a grudge
are held hostage by fear, guilt, and anger. It doesnt make sense to shackle
ourselves to negative feelings and limiting beliefs. Isnt it much better to
choose forgiveness, or the path of peace, understanding, and
acceptance? ###


Chuck Gallozzi lived, studied, and worked in Japan for 15 years, immersing
himself in the wisdom of the Far East and graduating with B.A. and M.A.
degrees in Asian Studies. He is a Canadian writer, Certified NLP Practitioner,
Founder and Leader of the Positive Thinkers Group in Toronto, speaker,
seminar leader, and coach. Chuck is a catalyst for change, dedicated to
bringing out the best in others, and he can be found on the web at:
http://www.personal-development.com/chuck-gallozzi-articles.htm


Leave it Behind
Have you ever woken up from a dream that was so clear and obvious, you knew you had
received an important message from your Higher Self?
I had been studying the Law of Attraction for several years, but was frustrated because I
was still lonely and depressed. Then one night I had a poignant dream about emotional
baggage (some call it cargo, the anti-thema to romance).
I was traveling with a friend on a train. The train stopped abruptly and we were told by a
shadowy deep voice to collect our baggage and board the next train. The station
attendant was throwing passenger bags onto the waiting platform while people scurried
around picking up their belongings. The next train started blowing its whistle and I got
scared because I realized that most of the bags on the platform were mine. There were
black bags, white bags, brown bags, mesh bags, torn bags, leather bags, plastic bags,
new bags, old bags, patched bagsyou get my point.
I knew I couldnt possibly get them all in time, but I kept trying because I was afraid to
leave any behind. I looked around for my friend to help, but he was calling to me from
the back of the other train yelling something about being left behind if I didnt leave my
baggage behind.
I was confused by what he was saying, and then the train pulled away. I realized what
he had been trying to tell me when I was indeed left behind with my baggage.
What an exhausting but exacting dream!
When I woke up, I knew I had received an important messageeither leave it behind or
be left behind.
Why We Carry Baggage
Its hard to let go of our past. Good or bad, its part of who we think we are. Weve
invested a lot of time and energy in our baggage and gone to a lot of trouble to keep it
with us. Some people tell others about it hoping to earn their attention, gain their
sympathy, and perhaps respect for our efforts. Some of us feel virtuous when we carry it
around because it makes us feel like responsible adults. A lot of people carry it as a way
to pay penance for their mistakes.
The truth is that baggage is none of these things. In terms of the Law of Attraction,
baggage is a heavy vibration that wastes our energy and weighs us down. Holding onto
our past, regardless of whether we did something to someone or someone did something
to us, emotional baggage increases our inertia and slows our momentum.
When we cling to our baggage, we feel guilt and regret, disappointment, resentment,
jealousy, fear, and anger. We believe that something must be wrong with us so we hide
our true selves from the people we interact with and measure ourselves against. When
we think theyve seen our flaws we feel worse. We criticize and punish ourselves because
that kind of thinking keeps our energy vibrating at a level that attracts more of the
same. Holding onto baggage is a form of self sabotage regardless of how it got there.
The Problem with Baggage
Dont get me wrong. Its natural to feel angry when you feel invalidated. But carrying
negative emotions with you wherever you go, no matter how cleverly repressed or
disguised, will slow you down and trip you up when you most need to move forward.
The problem is that we are afraid of what will happen if we stop carrying our baggage
around. Weve been conditioned to feel bad when we make mistakes or hurt someone. It
doesnt matter if it was an accident or if we meant to do it, our society finds a lack of
remorse unacceptable. Forgiveness is acceptable after apologies have been made or the
sentence has been served. This makes sense in terms of public well being.
But on a personal level, few of us have been taught how important it is to forgive
ourselves. No matter how sorry we are or how much supplication weve offered, we dont
know that we have the authority to grant ourselves pardons by virtue of who we really
are. We block the good stuff we could be bringing into the world, for ourselves and
others, with old painful baggage that offers no benefit to us or anyone else. No wonder
anti-depressants are the most prescribed drug in western societies!
Stepping Back a Bit
Self judgment is a human thing. Its nothing more than a system of self-imposed limiting
beliefs taught to you by those who judged themselves as unworthy. Your Higher Self
does not judge you or impose limitations because your Human Self is the part of God
that is out here walking on the wild side. You are the one in the field calling the plays,
taking the shots, and scoring the goals.
Your Higher Self knows that everything you do is an attempt to feel better on some level
and so it does not judge you or who you are being as good or bad. It exists outside of
human space-time reality. It loves you beyond measure, and appreciates what YOU are
doing to expand The Universe.
And while it may be hard to accept, it is our Human Self who decides what anything
means. We judge ourselves and others according to our own definition of what we want
and expect to be. Good, bad, right, wrong, desirable, undesirable, are the value
judgments we assign individually and en masse to impose order on the conditions in
which we find ourselvesuntil we remember who we really are.
Thats when we become conscious creators. Thats when value judgment becomes a
simple assessment: is this person, place, event, etc. shifting my energy toward or away
from what I want? Even then we stumble and bang our heads and step forward and
backward until we get the hang of it.
Poor Babies
An interesting thing about humans is that we have a penchant for carrying baggage for
others, especially when we are children. If bags are given to us by the adults we depend
on for survival, we pick them up and call them our own.
I was the perfect example. As a young adolescent, my stepfather, a high school
principal, used to criticize everything I said and did. I wasnt worth a damn nickel and
would never amount to a hill of beans. Whenever my mother defended me, he pushed
her around and tore things up around the house. Both were heavy drinkers and the
shouting and crying would sometimes go on through the night.
As a teenager, I started fighting back. I was banished to my room whenever my
stepfather was home just to keep the peace. After he went to bed at night, I would
sneak downstairs to get my supper. To go out with my boyfriend (with Moms
permission), I would climb out my second-story window and walk down the street to
meet him. This was the only way to avoid a session of my stepfathers arrow slinging.
I carried this baggage during my adult life. I continued to criticize everything about
myself and banished myself to my room when I wasnt required to be social. I didnt feel
virtuous doing this, I just didnt know how else to be.
Sad story, but the kicker is that it wasnt until my closest friend suggested that my
stepfather had been sexually attracted to me. She suggested that his constant criticism
was his way of maintaining his distance. Talk about carrying someone elses baggage!
All that criticism wasnt about me, it was about him. Of course I knew that I wasnt
stupid and lazy as he said I was, but my young subconscious mind was programmed to
believe what my authorities told me. Understanding his problem gave me the
perspective I needed to put those bags down and leave it behind.
Murphys Law was Written by a Baggage Carrier
Baggage wears you out and can turn a perfectly nice person into an accident waiting to
happen. I knew a young woman tripped over her own baggage so often she came to
believe that if something could go wrong for her, it would. She was always in the middle
of a drama/crisis.
She was a sweet, beautiful woman who saw herself as a victim. Because of her victim
energy, she attracted new boyfriends who at first seemed to enjoy rescuing her from her
old boyfriends, but unfortunately these men also had control issues and short tempers.
She would make fear-based decisions on the one hand to protect herself, then do things
that ensured these men would get upset and give her something to be afraid about.
Being loved and well treated didnt match her core beliefs about herself. When she
attracted a truly nice guy, she would grow bored and distracted. For whatever reason,
she believed she deserved to be mistreated, so she denied her part in the consequences
she suffered. This woman was a great teacher for me because she perfectly illustrated
how our beliefs, which drive our thoughts, behaviors, and expectations, create our
fortune or misfortune.
Courage is Power
Every time you put down a baglet go of a self-limiting beliefyou release a
tremendous drain on your energy. If you arent sure what your beliefs are, observe your
choices and behaviors. Listen to your thoughts as you sit in traffic or do the dishes.
When you feel irritated, upset, ashamed, or disappointed, pay attention to the thoughts
that cause these feeling to come over you.
When you start defending yourself or justifying your behavior, or feel like yelling shut
up even to the voice inside your head, ask yourself what your beliefs are so attached to
that you are forgetting who you really are?
It helps to think about the energy dynamics of the situation rather than what he said
she said. Sure, she was being a bitch, he was acting like a jerk, that driver cut you off,
you drank too much again, etc. None of that matters because it was just who she, he,
you were being in a time-space reality world of changing conditions. Its not who she,
he, or you really are.
It comes down to having the courage to choose.
Would you rather feel:

guilty, stupid, anxious, lazy, regret,
worthless, depressed, addicted, ashamed, rejected,

or

relaxed, confident, eager, grateful, optimistic,
enthusiastic, peaceful, joyful, appreciated, loved?
Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? Do you need your pain? Or do
you need hope?
Every thought you think attracts more of the same. The Law of Attraction is absolute in
its exactness. What you focus on is your choice and your responsibility, regardless of
what happened to you in your past, what is happening right now, what will happen in
your future. It's up to you because only you can choose your own thoughts!
No matter what happened or who said what, if you want to attract the life you desire,
you have to put down the bags and reach for your Higher Self, who wants you to be, do,
and have whatever makes you happy.
About Forgiveness
What you do points to your beliefs. If you keep doing things that lead away from your
desires, ask yourself if you need to do some forgiving. Its a powerful way to shift your
energy because it deactivates a limiting subconscious belief. It doesnt invalidate you or
let someone else off the hook. Think of it as a practical technique that helps you raise
your vibration and increase your momentum. Forgiveness is permission to leave your
baggage behind.
Forgiveness helps you recover the strength you need to focus on what you want.
Remember, you can only attract what you believe you deserve! As you move through
this process, imagine what it will be like when the energy youre using now to carry your
bags becomes available to carry you toward the things you really want in life! What will
you do? Where will you go? Who will be with you?
What you attract depends on the quality of your thoughts. But you cant pay attention to
your thoughts all the time any more than you can consciously regulate your breathing
for more than a few minutes. Thats why how you feel is such a valuable indicator of
when you need to pay attention.
WHEN YOU FEEL GOOD, YOU ARE MOVING TOWARD YOUR DESIRES.
WHEN YOU FEEL BAD, ITS TIME TO LEAVE YOUR BAGGAGE BEHIND.
You are a deliberate creator who gets to choose what things mean and what you want.
Remember who you are and put the bags down. Reach for the good stuff instead of worn
leather handles!