What You Can Learn from Marriage Studies

Get relationship advice based on the latest research and

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By Denise Schipani

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It seems like you cant open up a newspaper, click on an online article or watch a
morning TV show without hearing the results of a new study about relationships,
marriage and divorce. But what are you supposed to do with all this information? While
you can certainly glean good advice from the findings, its not one-size-fits-all, says
Sherry Amatenstein, a marriage therapist and author of The Complete Marriage
Counselor: Relationship-Saving Advice from America's Top 50+ Couples Therapists.
However, if a bit of research resonates with you, there are commonsense ways you can
apply the messages to your relationship. Here, eight recent studies, and the marriage
lessons you can learn from them.
1. Economic upheaval can bring you closeror pull you apart. According to a
new survey conducted by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, the
current recession is having a double-edged impact on American marriages. On the one
hand, couples who are under financial stress report that its hurt their marriages. For
others, being worried about jobs, money and mortgages has fostered a stronger marital
commitment.
The lesson: Ive seen couples whove gone both ways during times of economic
stress, says Amatenstein. When times get tough, try to remember that youre in this
together. The outside world is your shared adversary, and something that you can face
as a team.
2. Married couples are not nearly as good at communicating as they think
they are. A University of Chicago study revealed that some of us are so inept at talking
(and listening!) to our spouse that we may as well be speaking to a perfect stranger.
The researchers suggest that everyday closeness may breed complacency; we think we
understand each other, when in fact we get lazy at crafting our messages to each other
and at really listening to our spouses.
The lesson: It's more important to understand than to be understood, says Michele
Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting. Try to improve communication by repeating
back the gist of what your partner is saying in an effort to indicate that you got it. That
instills understanding and empathy.
3. Longtime married couples and newly-in-love pairs have similar brain
chemistry. In a study that purports to show that love really can last, researchers at
the State University of New York at Stony Brook took functional MRI scans of long-
married couples as well as newer pairs. As the participants looked at photos of their
significant others, key reward and motivation regions of the brain lit up on the scans,
showing a similar chemistry between long-term and newly coupled pairs.
The lesson: Instead of mourning that long-gone tingly, new-relationship feeling,
look forward to the deepening of your commitment as the years pass, says
Amatenstein. Its about trust, being cared for and caring, and being vulnerable. If you
can get there, its going to be better than the new feeling.
4. Men who are economically supported by their wives are more likely to
cheat. Sociologists at Cornell University have found that men who are financially
dependent on their wives are more likely to be unfaithful, perhaps because they feel
powerless. Interestingly, the opposite is true of women; economically dependent wives
are more faithful than not.
The lesson: This could happen, cautions Amatenstein, but its not always the case. The
reason he might cheat is that his ego is so bruised by the mismatch in your incomes
that hes looking to get a boost some other way. However, if your husband feels
needed and wanted, and its clear that youre both contributing to your family life, hes
much less likely to stray.
5. Spouses dont grow more alikethey started out that way. At Michigan State
University, researchers concluded that the old trope about husbands and wives
becoming more alike over the years is probably false. Its more likely the case that
were initially attracted to a partner similar to ourselves, and that those shared outlooks
and values become more pronounced over time.
The lesson: On the surface it seems that opposites attractyou may have been pulled
in by the fact that your extroverted spouse draws introverted you out of your shell, for
example. But the things that keep a marriage together long-term are shared values,
goals, sense of humor and outlook on life, says Amatenstein.
6. Spouses who are supportive of each other are happierto a point. A series
of studies at the University of Iowa found that couples who were good at cheerleading
each other report having happier, more solid marriages. And yet, theres good support
and not-so-useful support. For example, couples cant seem to get enough self-esteem
support (assuming its genuine), which is when you offer each other emotional
encouragement. But too much informational support, defined as an overload of
unasked-for advice, can backfire.
The lesson: Always be sure the support youre offering your spouse is authentic (you
truly do think he should go for that job or ask his boss for a raise). If your partner can
sense that youre just puffing him up, hell end up resenting it, says Amatenstein.
Remember: No one wants to be pitied! And in the case of informational support, be
careful that you (or he) arent piling on unsolicited advice, but are instead brainstorming
solutions together.
7. Mismatched fighting styles may lead to divorce. No one needs a research
study to predict the probable end of a marriage in which both spouses argue fruitlessly
all the time. But what if one half of the couple wants to argue productively, and the
other withdraws? Research from the University of Michigan says that this fighting style
may be a predictor of bad days ahead. Here's what happens: A conflict arises, and one
spouse is eager to discuss it, while the other would rather wait and cool down first. It
may be, say researchers, that the partner ready to listen and talk sees her spouses
need to cool off as disinterest or withdrawal.
The lesson: First, you have to understand that it is rare for both partners to have the
same conflict-resolution style. If one spouse likes to attack the problem promptly and
the other usually needs some time, they need to reach a compromise, says Weiner-
Davis. Sometimes, the partner needing space must push him or herself to tackle the
problem immediately, and other times, the partner liking to put things to rest promptly
needs to respect his or her partner's desire to cool off and wait awhile.
8. Sharing religious beliefs and practices is a good-marriage bonus. This may
be a no-brainercouples who share their faith, and practice it together, tend to have
strong marriages, says research from the National Marriage Project at the University of
Virginia. What emerged as an interesting note was that while African-American couples
tended to have lower overall levels of marital satisfaction, those couples with a shared
religious view scored far better. It may be that the time spent together (at religious
services, in prayer) as well as the shared values and outlook glue marriages together.
The lesson: A couple always needs something beyond just the two of them that they
share, says Amatenstein. If, for the two of you, faith fits the bill, great. If its a source
of tensionone of you is more devout than the otherbe careful to keep it separate
and find something else that you two can share.


Read more: Marriage Research - Relationship Tips from Marriage Studies - Woman's
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