7/28/2014 6 ways to teach yourself empathy | Readers Digest Australia

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6 ways to teach yourself empathy
When was the last time you took a walk in someone elses shoes?
By Roman Krznaric
From Reader's Digest May 2014
"Curiosity expands our
empathy when we talk to
people outside our usual
social circle."
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All of a sudden, the word empathy is on the lips of scientists and business leaders, education experts and political activists.
Empathy is not just a way to extend the boundaries of your moral universe. According to new research, its a habit we can
cultivate to improve the quality of our own lives.
But what is empathy? Its the ability to step into the shoes of another, aiming to understand their feelings and perspectives, and
to use that understanding to guide our own actions. That makes it different from kindness or pity. And dont confuse it with the
Golden Rule, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. As George Bernard Shaw pointed out, Do not do unto
others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. Empathy is about discovering those
tastes.
The good news is that empathy can be learned. In my new book, Empathy: A Handbook for Revolution (Random House), Ive
honed six key habits that highly empathic people (HEPs) bring into their daily lives. So what does it take to teach yourself
empathy?

Habit 1:
Switch on your empathic brain
The recent big buzz about empathy stems from a revolutionary shift in how scientists understand human nature. The old view
that we are essentially self-interested creatures is being nudged firmly to one side by evidence that we are also Homo
empathicus, wired for empathy, social cooperation, and mutual aid.
Over the last decade, neuroscientists have discovered that 98% of us have the ability to empathise. They have also identified a
ten-section empathy circuit in our brains which, if damaged, can curtail our ability to understand what other people are feeling.
Evolutionary biologists like Frans de Waal have shown that we are social animals who have naturally evolved to care for each
other, just like our primate cousins. And psychologists have revealed that we are primed for empathy by strong attachment
relationships in the first two years of life.
A good way to start switching on your empathic brain is simply to make a mental note every time you notice an instance of
empathic thinking or action in yourself or others. Maybe you will spot your boss managing to see someone elses point of view,
or observe empathic cooperation between your children. Think of it as becoming an empathy detective.

Habit 2:
Make the imaginative leap
Highly empathic people make a concerted effort to imagine themselves in other peoples situations, like an actor who occupies the personality of their stage character.
Making this imaginative leap can be boosted by empathic listening. What is essential, says Marshall Rosenberg, psychologist and founder of Non-Violent
Communication (NVC), is our ability to be present to whats really going on within to the unique feelings and needs a person is experiencing in that very moment. HEPs
listen hard to others and do all they can to grasp their emotional state and needs, whether it is a friend who has just been diagnosed with cancer or a spouse who is upset
at them for working late yet again.
We all know, instinctively, that empathy is a great tool for maintaining healthy relationships. Just think of all those times youve been arguing with your partner and thought,
Why cant she understand what Im feeling? What are you asking for? Empathy of course. You want them to step into your shoes, if only for a moment.
Thats why its worth practising empathic listening in your relationships. Next time things are getting tense with your partner, focus intently on listening to their feelings and
needs without interrupting (and this might just induce them to return the favour). You might even ask them to tell you about their feelings and needs. Its amazing how doing
this can prevent a niggling annoyance from turning into resentment or a full-scale argument. Ultimately, most of us just want to be listened to and understood.

Habit 3:
Seek experiential adventures
So you think ice climbing and hang-gliding are extreme sports? Then you need to try experiential empathy, the most challenging and potentially rewarding of them all.
HEPs expand their empathy by gaining direct experience of other peoples lives, putting into practice the Native American proverb, Walk a mile in another mans moccasins
before you criticise him.
The writer George Orwell is an inspiring model. After several years as a colonial police officer in British Burma in the 1920s, Orwell returned to Britain determined to discover
what life was like for those living on the social margins. So he dressed up as a tramp with shabby shoes and coat, and lived on the streets of East London with beggars and
vagabonds. The result, recorded in his book Down and Out in Paris and London, was a radical change in his beliefs, priorities, and relationships. He not only realised that
homeless people are not drunken scoundrels Orwell developed new friendships, shifted his views on inequality, and gathered some superb literary material. It was the
greatest travel experience of his life. He realised that empathy doesnt just make you good its good for you, too.
We can each conduct our own experiments. If you are religiously observant, try a God Swap, attending the services of faiths different from your own, including a meeting of
Humanists. Or if youre an atheist, try attending different churches! Spend your next holiday volunteering in a village in a developing country.
Next time you are planning a trip, dont ask yourself, Where can I go next? but instead Whose shoes can I stand in next?

Habit 4:
Practise the craft of conversation
Highly empathic people have an insatiable curiosity about strangers. They will talk to the person sitting next to them on the bus, having retained that natural inquisitiveness
we all had as children, but which society is so good at beating out of us. They find other people more interesting than themselves but are not out to interrogate them,
respecting the advice of the oral historian Studs Terkel: Dont be the examiner, be the interested enquirer.
Curiosity expands our empathy when we talk to people outside our usual social circle, encountering lives and world views very different from our own. Conversations with
strangers can really help challenge our assumptions about people, so we get beyond our snap judgments about them based on their appearance or accent. Its also a great
cure for the chronic loneliness that affects one in four Westerners. No wonder happiness guru Martin Seligman identifies it as a key character strength that can enhance life
satisfaction.
Cultivating curiosity requires more than having a brief chat about the weather. It involves talking about the stuff that really matters in life, like love, death or politics. Set yourself
the challenge of having a conversation with one stranger every week. All it requires is courage.

Habit 5:
Travel in your armchair

6 ways to teach yoursel f empathy
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7/28/2014 6 ways to teach yourself empathy | Readers Digest Australia
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If all of this is sounding a bit strenuous, you can always throw a little armchair empathy into the mix. This is about reading books and watching films that catapult our
imaginations into other peoples lives that are vastly different from our own. Think of a movie like City of God, which reveals the violent world of two boys growing up in the
shantytowns of Rio. Or the novel To Kill a Mockingbird, with its classic line, You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view until you
climb inside of his skin and walk around in it. In fact, there has been an avalanche of recent neuroscience and psychology research showing that entering other peoples
lives through books and films is one of the best ways of learning to empathise.
It isnt always easy to find the most inspiring and powerful empathy books and films, which is why alongside my new book Ive just founded the worlds first online
Empathy Library at www.empathylibrary.com. Youll find the very best novels, non-fiction, kids books, feature films and video shorts all about empathy.

Habit 6:
Inspire a revolution
Empathy isnt just something that happens between individuals. It can also flower on a mass scale and start shifting the contours of society itself. Many of those who took
part in the Occupy Movement and Arab Spring were motivated by empathy empathy for those whose lives had been ravaged by the financial crisis, or who had suffered
police brutality. An important way to boost your empathy levels is to join with others to take action on empathy-related issues that matter to you whether its child poverty or
the fate of future generations whose lives will be affected by our addiction to high-carbon lifestyles. Even taking part in your local choir or playing five-a-side football are ways
to engage in communal activities that break down the barriers between people and promote a more empathic world.
Empathy will most likely flower on a collective scale if its seeds are planted in our children. Thats why HEPs support efforts such as Canadas pioneering Roots of Empathy,
which has benefited over half a million school kids. Its unique curriculum centres on an infant, whose development children observe over time in order to learn emotional
intelligence and its results include significant declines in playground bullying and higher levels of academic achievement.
So now youve got some ideas for growing your empathy, let me leave you with a question. Who in your life do you need to develop more empathy with and how might you
go about doing it?


Click here to watch Roman Krznarics 2013 TedxAthens Talk based on his recent book Empathy: A Handbook for Revolution