Date: Dec.

2, 2009

Eoww…Yech… But Funny

Imagine you’re the pilot of a large Airbus plane flying from Europe to Hong Kong when the a flight
crewmember comes onto the flight deck and breathlessly announces: “Captain, we have to land
immediately!”

“Is it a hijacking?”

“Ah, no, not really…”

“Is there a medical emergency?”

“Well, soon perhaps…”

“Is there violence, are the passengers in trouble?”

“Yeah, they are revolting and it’s pretty disgusting out there… the toilets are all backed up and won’t
flush, there’s sewage running down the aisle in 1st class.”
“Oh my god, we’ll land immediately.” On the radio, “Control, I’m declaring an emergency and need
to divert to the nearest airport.”

“State the nature of the emergency. What assistance do you need?”

“A plumber, a really good plumber.”

And so it went for a Cathay Pacific flight recently as they diverted to Mumbai in India to deplane
passengers, also deplane the effluent and, generally, roto-rooter the pipes. Plane toilets use high-speed
vacuum pipes to take waste at up to 65mph into a holding tank, which is only emptied between flights.
A multi-million-dollar high-tech plane rendered useless by items stuffed down the toilets. Was this
blockage an act of terrorism? Nope, just an act of modern complacency. Airbus, aware of the problem
internationally, have started retrofitting plane pipes (larger) and generally “deep-cleaning” the septic
systems. More than you wanted to know, right? Well, wait there is more! Said the engineers, "You
would be amazed what we find in the pipes when we clean the system - not just face towels but
medicine bottles, socks, items of clothing and even children's stuffed toys.”

Now, I ask you, is there anyone who owns a home who hasn’t had to deal with some child (hopefully
a child) who tries to flush something they shouldn’t? How do you think Roto-Rooter stays in business?
“God bless inquisitive kids,” one serviceman once told us as we wrote out a $300 check.

Meantime, this airline toilet problem gets funnier. The US Transport and Security Administration
(TSA) has issued an edict, just before Christmas (of course), that passengers must not congregate near
the planes' toilets. Yup, they are serious. Seems people standing about near the toilets could be “a
security risk.” One stewardess asked, “How on earth are we supposed to organize trips to the restroom?
Should we issue little counter numbers like at the deli? Raise your hand if you want to go?”

Darrin Kayser, a spokesman for the TSA, part of Homeland Security, said that passengers could still
stand in line for the toilet, but that congregating in groups would be discouraged. He said it was up to
flight crews to distinguish between "politely waiting for the toilet" and huddling.

Oh, good, what’s the old expression? Two’s company, three’s a crowd – make that: three with
crossed legs are congregating? A chief executive of an airline representative body said he thought
"paranoia is taking over.” Mr. Kayser, the TSA spokesman, responded with a terse, "We frequently say
security is not a spectator sport... we can't be successful about stopping terrorism without everyone
playing a role," he said. So how you go to the toilet is now your role in anti-terrorism! Be vigilant! Go
before you go!

I wonder if the TSA will be after the other new terrorism tools: the so-called Roto-Rooter Dirty
Dozen; clothing, Timmy’s teddy that fell in, condoms, diapers, sanitary products, cotton buds, disposable
razors, tampons and applicators, cleaning wipes, toothbrushes, bandages and band-aids? Wait, better
yet, make passengers use their 1 qt. plastic bags they desperately needed to clear security. No, no, not
that way - for their garbage instead of flushing it (and their journey) down the tubes.

Meanwhile, if you are flying this Christmas season, don’t huddle, whatever you do, don’t huddle near
the toilets. Toilets are dangerous. Or so thinks the TSA.