Title Some people might have the feeling that using French in titles adds a certain amount

of charm, but I heavily disagree with this fashion, especially when its awkwardly mixed with an
English word in the main, and an entire English phrase in the second title.
Its a cacophony of languages, I can almost perceive a feeble chorus of jeers towards the
English language in general, which is always a bad way to approach creative writing. 1/5.

Description The foreword looks quite tautological. Basically, it tries to justify the awkward
title, without saying pretty much anything about the story itself.
I hate when its all shiny buttons and colourful words everyone, and this presentation in
particular bothers me, almost to the point of throwing up.

Was a rich girl, now just a commoner living at the bad side of town
(Cause subjects are out of fashion this year)

Leaving aside the grammatical mistakes, which I really disturbing, this introduction to the
main character looks written by an old racist woman, one of those you could see sitting on a
hairdressers chair during the 1920s.
Its a gossip. Its a random information about a random girl who has nothing interesting
(except for money and a vagina).

Oh! The almighty Sehun. Sexy yet mysterious
(Bow down to the power of his masculinity)

I swear a trying to keep myself serious, but I cant help laughing when I read this kind of
statement, especially if paired up with an image of an effeminate white-haired boy.
Its fine if you have peculiar tastes in terms of aesthetics, but please dont call mysterious
or almighty someone who wears make up and eyeliners.
Its kind of disrespecting towards the concepts of mysteriousness and mightiness.
Also, I feel like giving some general advice: dont ever anticipate in the foreword that your
main character is going to fall in love with someone. What do I read the story for, then? 3/10.

Graphics One word: awful. There are three major problems with the poster. First, you have
the main chapter in the background, hidden by two boys, which makes me wonder if the story has
some kind of subtext I should speak about.
Second, its blurry. You should seriously consider changing your graphic designer, because
the whole poster looks like theyve been raping the apply filter panel in Photoshop.
Third, writings are almost unreadable. The titled should be focused on, and instead, it looks
like the label of a substandard sweet pepper package. 2/5.

Characterization If the prelude to the story is such a messed jumble of awkward mistakes
ad awful nastiness, the story itself gets even worse. Witness the horror.

From the moment Hana stepped into this world, she was born rich. She had everything she
could ever ask for, but it all ended too soon, when she turned 16
(If the story had ended here, we would be more than satisfied)

After all our main character, Hana, is damn well characterized. Her whole life, including
details about her financial status, is packed up and revealed to the reader in less than a paragraph.
If anything, you have the gift of synthesis.
Im still pondering about Hanas role in this story. Shes declared the main character of the
story, but all few events mentioned seem to be completely unrelated with her life.
If she werent there, the story would have been literally the same.

When the school hour ended, Hana wasted no time and headed home
(Cause having social relationships is overrated nowadays)

Another peculiarity of this story seems to be the reiteration of similar and equally useless
scenes, as Hana hops from one place to another without actually doing anything.
In the second chapter, shes at school, where she is supposed to meet other characters, to
develop emotional and behavioural features, to do something.
The reader here should feel excited, preparing themselves to the swarm of plot twists and
details that are coming, and indeed, theres a major plot twist: she goes home.
(Side note: when I mentioned this glorious plot twist, the review reached 666 words. Its a
clear message from the devil)
Now. What did you create the scene for? Scenes are supposed to have a reason to exist,
events happen, things change, but here we have just a random person in a random place.

But nothing happened to Hana
(Hell, yes)

Thats the perfect summing up for everything that happens to Hana in the first ten chapter,
while I still fail to see any description of her physical and emotional features. 2/15.

Flow Hana is a girl. This is all the information about her Ive successfully extrapolated from
the story, and even that information has not been experimentally proven.
His brother Baekhyun dies before the hundredth word.
His fathers company reaches bankruptcy in the fifth paragraph, and by the time we arrive at
the tenth paragraph, four years have passed.
I suspect that this story is escalating a little bit quickly.
Violence is used often and with no criterion.
If a woman chooses the wrong way, she suddenly teleports from the richest residential area
to the worst block of the city, and of course she gets raped and killed, even during daylight.
Summing up, all the narration thread revolves around random events and random
consideration about a supernatural world in which random things happen. 0/10.

Plot This story has no plot. It has no characters, no ongoing events and no description of
places or situations. By the third chapter, nothing has happened.
Hana has not been raped.
Hana is not going to become economically independent from her parents. And her mom
makes her sandwiches, too. What a sweat woman.
A long series of things do not happen.
But hold on, because more trash is going to come. At the end of a brilliant third chapter, his
brother Baekhyun shows up.
Hes dead, but he also explains to be a vampire and (Oh my God!) he reveals to be the
reason why Hana doesnt get raped or stabbed or cooked alive by religious fundamentalists while
she is talking a walk!
Yesterday I went to a pub, but no one tried to slain me with a katana. Does this mean that I
have a dead vampire brother walking alongside with me when I walk?
Lets face it: this story sucks.
You are a very depressed person and you probably spending your free time sexually
fantasizing death and violence.
You dont have the slightest ability to write, and this story merely serves you as a punching
ball to hit when you want to satisfy your sadistic fantasies.

Hana woke up the next day with a spank on her ass
(Reaching the next generation of spanking technologies)

What the bloody hell? Are you seriously trying to say that her mom spanks her during the
night, and then forces her on a date with someone she doesnt know?
It looks like one of those low-quality porn movies you can see at late night on football
channels after a match of the Australian premier league.
Do you really like adding so much unmotivated domestic violence to the plot? 4/25.

Grammar Screw the plot, screw the formalities and screw the characters, we dont need
them to make a great story, do we?
After all, writing is our occasion to show off our language skills and improve our grammar
and vocabulary, thats why we all love fan fiction social networks.

Were best friend, and then we dated about a year and a half
(Cause time is cyclical, man!)

I have to admit that everyone makes this mistake, even those who, unlike you, actually know
how to write a plot.
Its just one basic rule: two coordinated propositions must have the same tense. You cant
use then if youve just used the present tense.
This is not just the only occurrence of a time inconsistency. All over the story, youve been
doing this, repeatedly, a billion times.

The orthography is good, except for some sporadic mistakes, and even the vocabulary dont
seem to be that bad, as I feared.
You dont have any originality, but at least youve had the decency to keep a low profile, at
least to minimize the number of mistakes.
You deserve a cookie. 10/20.

Personal enjoyment None. This story makes me lose a little bit of hope in our species. I
feel bad for criticizing too much, but I dont like euphemisms either.
If a story sucks, it must be reported to suck. 0/10.

Overall score: 22/100.

Respectfully, Serena.