The Family

by Rod S. Mays
T
he family can be a major
source of counseling prob
lems. It is here that different
backgrounds and habits are
brought under one roof. The different
family members are influenced by vari-
ous and diverse surroundings. All of
these differences allow for confusion,
misunderstanding and rebellion. Added
to these common problems is the pres-
sure of a humanistically oriented soci-
ety whose faulty and flawed presupposi-
tions are based on its own fallen ration-
alism and depraved experience. Who
will counsel those who have been in-
fluenced by these pseudo-alternatives?
Counseling the family as a unit or as
individual members has its foundation
in theological presuppositions, not in
the presuppositions of secular human-
ism. The family is a divine institution,
established by God at creation. The fam-
ily is not the result of a social
evolutionary process but of a divinely
ordained institution.
"The Lord God said, 'It is not
good for man to be alone; I will make
him a helper suitable for him. For this
cause a man shall leave his father and
his mother, and shall cleave to his wife;
and they shall become one flesh."'
(Genesis 2:18,24)
Marriage and the family are not pro-
ducts of experie11ce or expediency that
gradually developed out of "prehistoric
times." (The term "prehistoric times" is
a child of revised history.) In particu-
lar, the Christian family is a covenant
institution. It is an extension of the
church in teaching and worship. The
Covenant of Grace was established with
Abraham and his descendants. (Genesis
17:7-10). The Covenant promises are
made to believers and their children.
(Acts 2:39). Thereby, one understands
the Christian family to be composed of
believing parents and their children.
Because the family originates with
God's covenant promises, the Word of
God must be our absolute authority in
dealing with family problems. The theo-
logical foundation for the family makes
theological counseling relevant.
Problems arise in the family struc-
ture mainly due to a lack of under-
standing of definite roles or to exercise
of role reversal. The family today is
thrust into an age of pressure. Poor
theological orientation, financial diffi-
culties, rebelliousness among young
people and liberationist philosophy are
causing widespread disharmony among
families. Divorce is no longer shunned
but advocated. The cults are capitalizing
on run-away young people. More and
more families need counseling. The
theological and nouthetic counselor
finds himself in a strategic position to
admonish, warn and confront. A family
can be happy. It is a sacred institution.
Rousas J. Rushdoony considers the
family to be the central institution in
society:
"The family is man's first
because it is there that he gets
his basic learning concerning faith. The
family is man's first for it is in
the family that he learns the basic wis-
dom and learning of all education. The
family is man's frrst because the
family under God is a state. It is there
that force is brought to bear on a child
to make him conform to what is just;
he is punished for evil doing or diso-
bedience; he is taught that there must
be law and order within the framework
of the family and society at large."
The family is a structure built accord-
ing to God's Law. When God's divine
order is ignored or violated, problems
will arise. These problems will usually
manifest themselves in a faulty under-
standing of love and roles.
Love is a difficult word to define.
Since it is such an abstract word, it
actually cannot be defined but must be
illustrated to be understood. The
Apostle Paul in I Corinthians 13:4-8
gives a beautiful description of what
Jove is a..TJ.d is not. Note that the passage
The Counsel of Chalcedon Aug.-Sept.,1989 page 6
is a list of .ii.QtiQn_words. The Scriptures
further teach us that love is action and
not feeling. For instance, "For God so
loved the world that He gm" "No
greater m than this that a man would
lay down his life for his friends."
"Giving" and "laying down" are action
terms, not feeling terms. If God only
felt love love,
no one could be saved. God offers more
than "warm positive regard"
Calvary is the supreme demonstra-
tion of Divine love. Love has its
foundation in God. As individuals ex-
perience God's love, they will love one
another. That is how families come in-
to being. Defining love as action and a
fact to be learned is a valuable tool to
the theological counselor. He can com-
mand his counselee to love his wife and
children, or the wife to love her hus-
band and children or the children to love
their parents. Love is not an emotion or
feeling, simply because emotions and
feelings cannot be commanded. One can-
not be told to be angry or to be happy
and have successful results, but one can
be told to love.
Jesus said: "Love one another ... love
your enemies." John said: "Love the
Paul said: "Husbands love
your wives." Love is commanded.
Today's humanistic society has re-
duced love to a mere feeling rather than
fact. God's love is the force which
causes man to love, therefore, it is not
just a feeling, but a compelling force
manifested in action.
The theological counselor presents
love to the unloving family. They are
no longer without hope.
THE ROLE
OF THE
HUSBAND
T
he major portion of the
responsibility for a good
marriage and a Biblical fam-
ily lies on the husband. He
is responsible for love in the home, and
he is to love his wife as Christ loved
the church.
"Husbands, love your wives, just
as Christ also loved the church and gave
Himself up for her; that He might sane"
tify her, having cleansed her by wash-
ing of water with the word, that He
might present to Himself the church in
all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle
or any such thing; but that she should
be holy and blameless. So husbands
ought also to love their own wives as
their own bodies. He who loves his
wife loves himself." (Eph. 5:25-28)
Here, and in most of the New Testa-
ment, love is a verb and not a noun. It
is active and not passive, just as a wo-
man's submission is active and not pas-
sive. Many husbands come for counsel-
ing because they don't understand this
principle. They view love as strictly a
romantic feeling and not factual conunit-
ment. A theological counselor will tell
them to love their wives. How are hus-
bands to love their wives? Paul said,
"as Christ loved the church." This is
self-sacrificiallove. A husband is to im-
itate Christ in all his ways. Christ
loved the church enough to die for it.
The theological counselor asks this
questions of husbands: "Do you love
your wife enough to die for her?"
The husband is the head of the wife
as Christ is head of the church. This
role is fulfilled by loving leadership. He
continues to love even if she refuses ,to
submit. Christenson writes--
"The highest duty of the Chris-
tian bus band is to care for the sanctifica-
tion of his wife. His model is Christ,
who has sacrificed Himself for His
church, in order to sanctify it. .. At
home, by prayer and word, he must sus-
tain her in spirit, strengthen her feeling
for high and heavenly things, and
forward her in Christian knowledge."
Sproul comments--
"The man should know more
about the things of God than his wife
and certainly more than his children. He
should be the primary teacher and prime
example for his wife. This is an awe-
some responsibility for which every
husband will be held accountable. The
priestly role of the husband is not op-
tional, but mandatory."
Loving leadership requires that a hus-
band be a good manager of the house-
hold. Too many husbands leave their
responsibilities to the wife. Paying
bills, managing money and family wor-
ship are among the most common
responsibilities placed on the wife by
the husband.
THE ROLE
OF THE
WIFE
I
n a counseling situation involv-
ing a wife or mother, the prob-
lem usually has arisen because
of role reversal. Either she is
not fulfilling her proper role as a wife
and mother or her husband and children
are not following their prescribed roles.
It is the purpose of the theological coun-
selor to use the Biblical role of the wife
as a teaching element to restore normal-
cy to the situation.
The key word in Paul's exhortation is
submission. To many, submission is
an angry word. However, submission
does not imply inferiority. As a matter
of fact, in Genesis 2:18 the "help meet"
or "helper" implies equality. The wo-
man was made from the man. She is
the man. She is suitable for the
man. These all imply equality, not
inferiority. Submission does not re-
move freedom but provides for it. R. C.
Sproul writes:
"In the Women's Liberation
Movement we have seen a massive pro-
test against male supremacy. Women
are marching to recapture their dignity.
How did they ever lose it in the first
place? Because Moses was a male chau-
vinist? Because Paul was a misoga-
mist? Certainly not. The loss of female
dignity came about when sinful male
arrogance declared the myth that pre-emi-
nence in authority means superiority in
dignity!"
The solution to this problem is not
for wives to usurp the Biblical author-
ity of their husbands but to understand
and practice Biblical submission.
Submission is positive. It is active.
As a wife views herself as a "helper"
(Gen. 2:18) she understands submission
as active not passive. She supports, en-
courages, and obeys. Her submission
and obedience are always determined by
the Scriptures. For example, God does
not expect a woman to obey and submit
to her husband's desire for her to steal.
The theological counselor instructs
the counselee to actively pray for her
husband. Not to pray against him, but
for him. She is encouraged to actively
participate and be involved in his in-
terests. Positive submission is pleasing
one's husband by fulfilling domestic
duties. Submission is aggression on the
wife's part to be the "helper" God de-
signed her to be. This gives the coun-
selee something to work toward when
there is a problem. These principles re-
late to her how to be submissive.
On the other hand, she may ask,
"Why?" The theological counselor's an-
swer to that is, "Because God said to."
Pauls states in Eph. 5:22 -- "Wives, be
subject to your own husbands, as to the
Lord." God knows what is best.
THE ROLE OF THE PARENTS
M
any children and young
people are labeled as delin-
quent or rebellious. This
is rightly so; however,
many cases are the result of parents
being delinquent and rebellious in their
roles.
The primary task of parents is to
teach their children. Closely knitted
together with teaching is discipline.
"And fathers, do not provoke your
children to anger; but bring them up in
the discipline and instruction of the
Lord." (Eph. 6:4 NASV)
In a day of increasing complexities
and relativism, the moral outlook is
permissive and daring. In order for chil-
dren to survive this moral breakdown,
they must be educated in the Word, dis-
ciplined in love and shown an example
through their parents.
Children must be instructed in the
Word of God. The Bible is the founda-
tion for all of life. It is the absolute
authority for child rearing. Moses gave
this principle:
The Counsel of Chalcedon Aug.-Sept.,1989 page 7
"Hear, 0 Israel, The Lord is our
God, the Lord is One! And you shall
love the Lord your God with all your
heart and with all your soul and with all
your might. And these words, which I
am commanding you today, shall be on
your heart; and you shall teach them
diligently to your sons and shall talk of
them when you sit in your house and
when you walk by theway and-wlren
you lie down and when you rise up.
And you shall bind them as ... a sign on
your hand and they shall be as frontals
on your forehead. And you shall write
them on the door posts of your house
and on your gate." (Deut. 6:4-9)
The ideas that children acquire from
school, from television, and from secu-
lar books, need to be counteracted. The
parents' responsibility of education is to
refute false concepts that steal the
minds of their children.
They need to be taught the Scrip-
tures. This makes family worship and
family devotions a must.
The parents' role of education must
be supported by the church. Children
must be taken to a Bible-believing
church where they will be taught the
Word. Also, if a good Christian school
is accessible, then the parents are obli-
gated to enroll their children.
Closely tied with teaching is dis-
cipline. It is obvious that there are
times when children must be corrected.
Unlike the permissive view of chiid
psychology, the theological counselor
encourages parents to exert authority
over.their children. Parental authority
implies discipline.
[Reprinted by permission, from Restora-
tion, A Publication of Family Counseling
and Resources, Inc., Jackson, MS.,Rod S:
Mays, Editor.] Q
Another wonderful
Judy Rogers-lapel
Here is more help for the Christian family in applying
the light of Proverbs and Psalms in their lives.
Through a great variety of music styles comes the age-
old message of fruitfufness through a life of
obedience to God's Word. In several songs
from Chalcedon and once Judy's brother, Hugh, JOin
this masterful musician and lyricist to praise the Lord
and admonish, encourage, and instruct Christians.
Among many memorable lines is "What she wears
can't make what she does look good." Give your
children the opportunity to put God-honoring songs
in their hearts, to help them, and encourage others, to
walk in the way of tlie Lord. Titles incluae "Out of
the Mouth of Children", "Seven Awful Things",
"Isabelle Is a Pig", "Talk to Me", "Trust in tlie Lord",
"Go to the Ant", "I Will Sing", "The "The
School of the Fool", and "Listen My Son . You will
be delighted!
-:.Marlene Goodrum
Go to t-he e4-nc
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The Counsel of Chalcedon o Aug.-Sept.,1989 o page 8