Mackenzie Clark

English 111 BL
Matthew Weinkam
December 10, 2009 Ethnography Final Revision

Phillips Hall, the building any individual will find standing next to the epic Goggin Ice

Center, is home to Miami University’s Department of Kinesiology and Health. With an

impressive connection to the Recreation Center and the Goggin Ice Center, kinesiology and Comment [M1]: I guess it is actually more of an
adjacent connection than an impressive connection

health (KNH) students find themselves spending much time in the two areas working on staying

healthy and in shape. These students do so because they are interested in the build of the body

and physical conditioning so getting sweaty and healthy at these athletic facilities is the best way

to do so. These students are the sophisticated individuals that want to make a lasting impression Comment [M2]: Bad sentence… run-on and I
don’t like it. I was probably just too lazy to fix it…

on individuals throughout the world and will go to any means to do so. They learn just about Comment [M3]: This is a filler statement and I
don’t know why I put it in. It’s dumb.

everything related to their KNH major within the walls of the newly refurbished Phillips Hall.

There is no thesis here and for that, I apologize. I don’t know why I didn’t put one in.

In 1890, Herron Hall was established to house the Department of Physical Activities and Comment [M4]: There is no claim here in the
first sentence which is terrible

a small gymnasium for class. As the years went on, the Department of Physical Activities ended

up having a name change eight different times and finally became the Department of

Kinesiology and Health in 2007.1 Along with the name change, the hall changed from Herron

Hall to Phillips Hall in honor of the director and chair of Physical Education, Margaret E.

Phillips. During the beginning of the department, gym class was a required class (though Comment [M5]: Probably should’ve said when

students received no credit hours) because there was no recreation center or open gym. Seeing

as the students did not want to live high school all over again and be forced to go to gym class

every day, the gymnasium became open for students in their free time and over the years, more

gyms and ways to exercise became a reality. Now there is a fantastic recreation center, ice

center and numerous gyms throughout Miami’s campus that help keep students healthy and in Comment [M6]: To be honest, I really don’t
think there are numerous gyms on Miami’s campus
hahaha.
shape. The gyms were not the only things getting nice touch-ups though; Phillips Hall was

1
History of Department Names at Miami University. N.p.: n.p., n.d. N. pag. Print.
renovated numerous times within the past 119 years, including the most recent renovation in

2002 that cost Miami a whopping $4.5 million.2 This renovation updated technology, fixed up Comment [M7]: Logos! (Even though we hadn’t
even done it yet, it now makes the sentence more
effective because I know it is a logo!)
rooms and simply added nice touch-ups to the interior. The new Phillips Hall has new

laboratories for students in the KNH department such as Exercise Science athletic labs and

Dietetic kitchen labs that allow students to work hands-on with professors and renowned doctors

that did the same thing during their college years.

I actually liked this paragraph… I thought it was fairly strong because it was straight to the

point and didn’t really rant or get off topic.

But before students can work in these labs, they have to take the prerequisite classes

attached to their major, such as nutrition. While these students do not get to work in laboratories, Comment [M8]: The claim is a little more clear
than the non-existent claim in the first paragraph, or
at least I hope!
they get to work in extremely nice classrooms that only set them up to succeed. Hung
Comment [M9]: I should have written how this
statement is true… but I didn’t.
throughout the classrooms and hallways, one can find postings related to sporting events, health-

related clubs and copies of publications made by students and faculty within the Department of

Kinesiology and Health. The papers are definitely nice to read because it gives undergraduate

students an adequate view of how Miami’s professors help their students develop knowledge and Comment [M10]: I didn’t mean all Miami
professors… I meant the KNH professors… so I
THINK that is logical fallacy, riiight?
go on to be extremely successful. Aside from these papers, one can also scan the classrooms and

find anything from skeletons (so that students can learn all the bones, muscles and joints) to

gigantic 3D food pyramids (so that students never forget the importance of nutrition.) All of the Comment [M11]: This sentence should be
separated or at least better worded because it is
atrocious.
items in the classrooms that any random individual would find fairly unimportant are actually

extremely significant because they help the KNH students learn every single thing about how the

body looks works. For example, in the Dietetics labs, students learn how the body works to Comment [M12]: This is fairly unclear and I
would edit it if I could.

break down the carbohydrates, proteins and lipids that are consumed as well as how to cook with
2
Fast, Austin. "3 Miami buildings to be dedicated after completion, renovations." Miami Student. 27 Mar. 2007. Web. 15 Sept. 2009.

<http://www.miamistudent.net/home/index.cfm?event=displayArticle&ustory_id=fb867abb-0d1e-4cbe-a1ed-071017c05672>.
them. Comment [M13]: This is the end of my
paragraph and I don’t understand why I did that.
It’s a bad, bad ending and very, very weak.
Aside from the inanimate articles of Phillips Hall, the people within the majors are rather

similar to each other, yet different than those in any other major. Seeing as most students in the Comment [M14]: Finally a good, clear claim!
Comment [M15]: This was actually never talked
Department of Kinesiology and Health are studying to be some sort of doctor (like a Dietetics about in this paragraph… it was talked about later
on, but not here, so that’s a problem.

major would become a nutritionist), they try to be as professional as possible as they get further

into their college career and start studying precise things about the human body. They typically

dress nicely in order to intrigue the people with whom they are working and to make other

individuals more responsive; they do not want to appear as if they were stupid or unable to treat

their sick or injured patients. Students also want to appear professional from the start of college Comment [M16]: This sentence sucks. Period.
But I suppose I could have made the connection
between the doctor’s knowledge and his attire in a
because they are in school for seven or more years and do not have enough time to learn more effective way.

professionalism when they are busy studying everything about their major. As a result, students

like to appear professional from the start as well as learn more about professionalism from their

professors in Phillips Hall. Comment [M17]: Redundant… That was stupid.

The majors within the department hall help any individual discover which major allows

them to act and work with individuals they find needy and interesting. For example, athletic

training allows one to work with high school athletes whereas pediatric physical therapists work

with babies and toddlers. In addition, these students are able to work with whom they find

intriguing while also appearing sophisticated, as if nothing could go wrong and they had all the

answers. While this would be a dream and in fact a way to live up to the doctor stereotype, the Comment [M18]: I don’t think this part has a
point… dang.

students that get involved in the KNH field are not always brilliant. They work hard in high Comment [M19]: UNCLEAR UNCLEAR UNCLEAR.
I don’t think this is what I meant when I wrote it. I
did not mean people have to act like doctors before
school and college in order to succeed because they are definitely not taught about curing elders they know everything.

in high school science class. Learning KNH-related subjects take time (all seven or more years

of college) and cannot possibly be learned during high school science classes. As much time as Comment [M20]: This is almost the same as the
previous sentences…
these students put into their work, they also find time to help others. Kinesiology and Health

students are required to intern with professionals and help actual injured and hurt patients in

order to get a taste of the real working world. This shows that KNH students are determined and

do not want to go into their first career not knowing what to expect. I can almost guarantee

patients would not want to be taken care of by doctors that had no real-life experience, as well.

I liked the organization of the above paragraph. I think it was full of truth about the students in

the KNH department.

Like the people in the major are different than those in other majors, the technique of

learning is much different. According to the chair of the department, Helaine Alessio, this

department is unique because it combines education and the community by getting students to

help out others within Oxford and emphasizes undergraduate education by requiring credit from

other subjects to help the students strive. The business department, the music department and the

like do not incorporate the community into their work like the department of kinesiology and

health. I do not see artists going out to the community just to show old people how to paint near

as often as I find KNH students showing elders how to take care of and repair their body. This Comment [M21]: I really think this part was a
big factor in the effectiveness of this paragraph. I
think it is strong and I’m glad I was able to put it in.
does not mean the KNH department is any better than Miami’s other departments, but it is a plus

that students, young and old, are able to work outside the classroom. Comment [M22]: I’m glad I included this
because it’s negative about the department so it
shows that I’m not trying to make it seem like the
Now Phillips Hall is here not just to give students a main area for their major, but because coolest thing to ever be created, because we all
know it’s far from it!

society as a whole is not perfect. People get hurt and people mess up and end up needing Comment [M23]: The 2 parts of this sentence
have no relevance… why did I write this?

professional help, so if Phillips Hall was not here, KNH students would probably not come to

Miami due to a lack of a department. Either that, or students would be learning different

methods of working as a doctor from different professors throughout campus that are unable to

share ideas on teaching. This would cause trouble in the end since their education would not be
as great and well thought out as it could be. On top of that, Phillips Hall exists because health is Comment [M24]: Fairly unclear

necessary in the world we live in today. With the obesity rate on the rise, our country needs as Comment [M25]: I could’ve included some more
health problems others than just this.

much help as it can get. Any extra health and physical activity research would be appreciated

nowadays by those individuals that are unable to be a size zero due to the ever-changing health

industry. Miami students are able to do just that kind of research if they would like. With six

different majors within Phillips Hall and the KNH department, Miami students can select the one

they find interesting and the one they would not mind doing research on. If they are interested in

muscle toning, they can go into the athletic training field but if they want to work on lowering

the obesity rate, they could go into the exercise science major. The other four majors are just

like that; similar yet different. They all need to focus on nutrition and staying in shape, but

students in athletic training would not be working with the breathing and physical machines

within Phillips Hall like the exercise science majors would be. Dietetics majors, likewise, would

not be seen coaching young athletes in the Phillips Hall Dance Studio or nearby Recreation

Center indoor track like a physical education teacher would be. Comment [M26]: This final sentence is rough.
Where did my concluding sentence go? There
should definitely be one here.

The above paragraph could have been placed somewhere else, probably more towards the

beginning. It is more ineffective when it is the last body paragraph.

Most students in the KNH department are studying to be some sort of doctor whether it is

an emergency room doctor or just a physical therapist and need the proper education. With the

help of the KNH department and Phillips Hall, the students can get just that. They could quite

possibly go on to be complete successes and maybe one day research enough to find something

that could change the world.

Terrible concluding paragraph that is not very informational or strong.

*Could have added more rhetoric… even though we didn’t know what it was then. If I could

change it now, I would have added some pathos that helped convince the reader that the KNH

department is unique in and of itself and also some logos.

*I really like the organization of this paper, aside from the last paragraph. I think I wrote and

organized this paper in an effective way so that paragraphs connected with each other but also

had their own ideas.