DavidFosterWallace:ConsidertheLobster

Aclassicessayfromarenownedessayist.OriginallyPublishedAugust2004inGourmetmagazine.
For56years,theMaineLobsterFestivalhasbeendrawingcrowdswiththepromiseofsun,fun,andfine
food.Onevisitorwouldarguethatthecelebrationinvolvesawholelotmore.
Theenormous,pungent,andextremelywellmarketedMaineLobsterFestivalisheldeverylateJulyinthe
statesmidcoastregion,meaningthewesternsideofPenobscotBay,thenervestemofMaineslobster
industry.WhatscalledthemidcoastrunsfromOwlsHeadandThomastoninthesouthtoBelfastinthe
north.(Actually,itmightextendallthewayuptoBucksport,butwewereneverabletogetfarthernorth
thanBelfastonRoute1,whosesummertrafficis,asyoucanimagine,unimaginable.)Theregionstwo
maincommunitiesareCamden,withitsveryoldmoneyandyachtyharborandfivestarrestaurantsand
phenomenalB&Bs,andRockland,aseriousoldfishingtownthathoststheFestivaleverysummerin
historicHarborPark,rightalongthewater.
Tourismandlobsterarethemidcoastregionstwomainindustries,andtheyrebothwarmweather
enterprises,andtheMaineLobsterFestivalrepresentslessanintersectionoftheindustriesthanadeliberate
collision,joyfulandlucrativeandloud.Theassignedsubjectofthisarticleisthe56thAnnualMLF,July
30toAugust3,2003,whoseofficialthemewasLighthouses,Laughter,andLobster.Totalpaid
attendancewasover80,000,duepartlytoanationalCNNspotinJuneduringwhichaSeniorEditorofa
certainotherepicureanmagazinehailedtheMLFasoneofthebestfoodthemedfestivalsintheworld.
2003Festivalhighlights:concertsbyLeeAnnWomackandOrleans,annualMaineSeaGoddessbeauty
pageant,Saturdaysbigparade,SundaysWilliamG.AtwoodMemorialCrateRace,annualAmateur
CookingCompetition,carnivalridesandmidwayattractionsandfoodbooths,andtheMLFsMainEating
Tent,wheresomethingover25,000poundsoffreshcaughtMainelobsterisconsumedafterpreparationin
theWorldsLargestLobsterCookernearthegroundsnorthentrance.Alsoavailablearelobsterrolls,
lobsterturnovers,lobstersaut,DownEastlobstersalad,lobsterbisque,lobsterravioli,anddeepfried
lobsterdumplings.LobsterThermidorisobtainableatasitdownrestaurantcalledTheBlackPearlon
HarborParksnorthwestwharf.AlargeallpineboothsponsoredbytheMaineLobsterPromotion
Councilhasfreepamphletswithrecipes,eatingtips,andLobsterFunFacts.ThewinnerofFridays
AmateurCookingCompetitionpreparesSaffronLobsterRamekins,therecipeforwhichisavailablefor
publicdownloadingatwww.mainelobsterfestival.com.TherearelobsterTshirtsandlobsterbobblehead
dollsandinflatablelobsterpooltoysandclamponlobsterhatswithbigscarletclawsthatwobbleon
springs.Yourassignedcorrespondentsawitall,accompaniedbyonegirlfriendandbothhisownparents
oneofwhichparentswasactuallybornandraisedinMaine,albeitintheextremenortherninlandpart,
whichispotatocountryandaworldawayfromthetouristicmidcoast.
2
Forpracticalpurposes,everyoneknowswhatalobsteris.Asusual,though,theresmuchmoretoknow
thanmostofuscareaboutitsallamatterofwhatyourinterestsare.Taxonomicallyspeaking,alobster
isamarinecrustaceanofthefamilyHomaridae,characterizedbyfivepairsofjointedlegs,thefirstpair
terminatinginlargepincerishclawsusedforsubduingprey.Likemanyotherspeciesofbenthiccarnivore,
lobstersarebothhuntersandscavengers.Theyhavestalkedeyes,gillsontheirlegs,andantennae.There
aredozensofdifferentkindsworldwide,ofwhichtherelevantspecieshereistheMainelobster,Homarus
americanus.ThenamelobstercomesfromtheOldEnglishloppestre,whichisthoughttobeacorrupt
formoftheLatinwordforlocustcombinedwiththeOldEnglishloppe,whichmeantspider.
Moreover,acrustaceanisanaquaticarthropodoftheclassCrustacea,whichcomprisescrabs,shrimp,
barnacles,lobsters,andfreshwatercrayfish.Allthisisrightthereintheencyclopedia.Andanarthropodis
aninvertebratememberofthephylumArthropoda,whichphylumcoversinsects,spiders,crustaceans,and
centipedes/millipedes,allofwhosemaincommonality,besidestheabsenceofacentralizedbrainspine
assembly,isachitinousexoskeletoncomposedofsegments,towhichappendagesarearticulatedinpairs.
Thepointisthatlobstersarebasicallygiantseainsects.
3
Likemostarthropods,theydatefromtheJurassic
period,biologicallysomucholderthanmammaliathattheymightaswellbefromanotherplanet.And
theyareparticularlyintheirnaturalbrowngreenstate,brandishingtheirclawslikeweaponsandwith
thickantennaeawhipnotnicetolookat.Anditstruethattheyaregarbagemenofthesea,eatersofdead
stuff,
4
althoughtheyllalsoeatsomeliveshellfish,certainkindsofinjuredfish,andsometimeseachother.
Buttheyarethemselvesgoodeating.Orsowethinknow.Upuntilsometimeinthe1800s,though,lobster
wasliterallylowclassfood,eatenonlybythepoorandinstitutionalized.Evenintheharshpenal
environmentofearlyAmerica,somecolonieshadlawsagainstfeedinglobsterstoinmatesmorethanonce
aweekbecauseitwasthoughttobecruelandunusual,likemakingpeopleeatrats.Onereasonfortheir
lowstatuswashowplentifullobsterswereinoldNewEngland.Unbelievableabundanceishowone
sourcedescribesthesituation,includingaccountsofPlymouthpilgrimswadingoutandcapturingallthey
wantedbyhand,andofearlyBostonsseashorebeinglitteredwithlobstersafterhardstormstheselatter
weretreatedasasmellynuisanceand5groundupforfertilizer.Thereisalsothefactthatpremodern
lobsterwasoftencookeddeadandthenpreserved,usuallypackedinsaltorcrudehermeticcontainers.
Mainesearliestlobsterindustrywasbasedaroundadozensuchseasidecanneriesinthe1840s,from
whichlobsterwasshippedasfarawayasCalifornia,indemandonlybecauseitwascheapandhighin
protein,basicallychewablefuel.
Now,ofcourse,lobsterisposh,adelicacy,onlyasteportwodownfromcaviar.Themeatisricherand
moresubstantialthanmostfish,itstastesubtlecomparedtothemarinegaminessofmusselsandclams.In
theU.S.popfoodimagination,lobsterisnowtheseafoodanalogtosteak,withwhichitssooften
twinnedasSurfnTurfonthereallyexpensivepartofthechainsteakhousemenu.
Infact,oneobviousprojectoftheMLF,andofitsomnipresentlysponsorialMaineLobsterPromotion
Council,istocountertheideathatlobsterisunusuallyluxeorrichorunhealthyorexpensive,suitableonly
foreffetepalatesortheoccasionalblowthediettreat.Itisemphasizedoverandoverinpresentationsand
pamphletsattheFestivalthatMainelobstermeathasfewercalories,lesscholesterol,andlesssaturatedfat
thanchicken.
5
AndintheMainEatingTent,youcangetaquarter(industryshorthandfora1pound
lobster),a4ouncecupofmeltedbutter,abagofchips,andasoftrollw/butterpatforaround$12.00,
whichisonlyslightlymoreexpensivethansupperatMcDonalds.
Beapprised,though,thattheMainEatingTentssupperscomeinStyrofoamtrays,andthesoftdrinksare
icelessandflat,andthecoffeeisconveniencestorecoffeeinyetmoreStyrofoam,andtheutensilsare
plastic(therearenoneofthespeciallongskinnyforksforpushingoutthetailmeat,thoughafewsavvy
dinersbringtheirown).Nordotheygiveyounearenoughnapkins,consideringhowmessylobsteristo
eat,especiallywhenyouresqueezedontobenchesalongsidechildrenofvariousagesandvastlydifferent
levelsoffinemotordevelopmentnottomentionthepeoplewhovesomehowsmuggledintheirown
beerinenormousaisleblockingcoolers,orwhoallofasuddenproducetheirownplastictableclothsand
trytospreadthemoverlargeportionsoftablestotrytoreservethem(thetables)fortheirlittlegroups.And
soon.Anyoneexampleisnomorethanapettyinconvenience,ofcourse,buttheMLFturnsouttobefull
ofirksomelittledownerslikethisseeforinstancetheMainStagesheadlinershows,whereitturnsout
thatyouhavetopay$20extraforafoldingchairifyouwanttositdownortheNorthTentsmad
scramblefortheNyQuilcupsizesamplesoffinalistsentrieshandedoutaftertheCookingCompetition
orthemuchtoutedMaineSeaGoddesspageantfinals,whichturnouttobeexcruciatinglylongandto
consistmainlyofendlessthanksandtributestolocalsponsors.WhattheMaineLobsterFestivalreallyisis
amidlevelcountyfairwithaculinaryhook,andinthisrespectitsnotunlikeTidewatercrabfestivals,
Midwestcornfestivals,Texaschilifestivals,etc.,andshareswiththesevenuesthecoreparadoxofall
teemingcommercialdemoticevents:Itsnotforeveryone.
6
Nothingagainsttheaforementionedeuphoric
SeniorEditor,butIdbesurprisedifshedspentmuchtimehereinHarborPark,watchingpeopleslap
canalzonemosquitoesastheyeatdeepfriedTwinkiesandwatchProfessorPaddywhack,onsixfootstilts
inaraincoatwithplasticlobstersprotrudingfromalldirectionsonsprings,terrifytheirchildren.
Lobsterisessentiallyasummerfood.Thisisbecausewenowpreferourlobstersfresh,whichmeansthey
havetoberecentlycaught,whichforbothtacticalandeconomicreasonstakesplaceatdepthsoflessthan
25fathoms.Lobsterstendtobehungriestandmostactive(i.e.,mosttrappable)atsummerwater
temperaturesof4550F.Intheautumn,someMainelobstersmigrateoutintodeeperwater,eitherfor
warmthortoavoidtheheavywavesthatpoundNewEnglandscoastallwinter.Someburrowintothe
bottom.Theymighthibernatenobodyssure.Summerisalsolobstersmoltingseasonspecificallyearly
tomidJuly.Chitinousarthropodsgrowbymolting,ratherthewaypeoplehavetobuybiggerclothesas
theyageandgainweight.Sincelobsterscanlivetobeover100,theycanalsogettobequitelarge,asin
20poundsormorethoughtrulyseniorlobstersarerarenow,becauseNewEnglandswatersareso
heavilytrapped.
7
Anyway,hencetheculinarydistinctionbetweenhardandsoftshelllobsters,thelatter
sometimesa.k.a.shedders.Asoftshelllobsterisonethathasrecentlymolted.Inmidcoastrestaurants,the
summermenuoftenoffersbothkinds,withsheddersbeingslightlycheapereventhoughtheyreeasierto
dismantleandthemeatisallegedlysweeter.Thereasonforthediscountisthatamoltinglobsterusesa
layerofseawaterforinsulationwhileitsnewshellishardening,sotheresslightlylessactualmeatwhen
youcrackopenashedder,plusaredolentgoutofwaterthatgetsallovereverythingandcansometimesjet
outlemonlikeandcatchatablematerightintheeye.Ifitswinteroryourebuyinglobstersomeplacefar
fromNewEngland,ontheotherhand,youcanalmostbetthatthelobsterisahardshell,whichfor
obviousreasonstravelbetter.
Asanlacarteentre,lobstercanbebaked,broiled,steamed,grilled,sauted,stirfried,ormicrowaved.
Themostcommonmethod,though,isboiling.Ifyouresomeonewhoenjoyshavinglobsterathome,this
isprobablythewayyoudoit,sinceboilingissoeasy.Youneedalargekettlew/cover,whichyoufill
abouthalffullwithwater(thestandardadviceisthatyouwant2.5quartsofwaterperlobster).Seawateris
optimal,oryoucanaddtwotbspsaltperquartfromthetap.Italsohelpstoknowhowmuchyourlobsters
weigh.Yougetthewaterboiling,putinthelobstersoneatatime,coverthekettle,andbringitbackupto
aboil.Thenyoubanktheheatandletthekettlesimmertenminutesforthefirstpoundoflobster,then
threeminutesforeachpoundafterthat.(Thisisassumingyouvegothardshelllobsters,which,again,if
youdontlivebetweenBostonandHalifax,isprobablywhatyouvegot.Forshedders,youresupposed
tosubtractthreeminutesfromthetotal.)Thereasonthekettleslobstersturnscarletisthatboiling
somehowsuppresseseverypigmentintheirchitinbutone.Ifyouwantaneasytestofwhetherthelobsters
aredone,youtrypullingononeoftheirantennaeifitcomesoutoftheheadwithminimaleffort,youre
readytoeat.
Adetailsoobviousthatmostrecipesdontevenbothertomentionitisthateachlobsterissupposedtobe
alivewhenyouputitinthekettle.Thisispartoflobstersmodernappeal:Itsthefreshestfoodthereis.
Theresnodecompositionbetweenharvestingandeating.Andnotonlydolobstersrequirenocleaningor
dressingorplucking(thoughthemechanicsofactuallyeatingthemareadifferentmatter),buttheyre
relativelyeasyforvendorstokeepalive.Theycomeupaliveinthetraps,areplacedincontainersof
seawater,andcan,solongasthewatersaeratedandtheanimalsclawsarepeggedorbandedtokeep
themfromtearingoneanotherupunderthestressesofcaptivity,
8
surviverightupuntiltheyreboiled.
Mostofushavebeeninsupermarketsorrestaurantsthatfeaturetanksoflivelobster,fromwhichyoucan
pickoutyoursupperwhileitwatchesyoupoint.AndpartoftheoverallspectacleoftheMaineLobster
Festivalisthatyoucanseeactuallobstermensvesselsdockingatthewharvesalongthenortheastgrounds
andunloadingfreshlycaughtproduct,whichistransferredbyhandorcart100yardstothegreatclear
tanksstackeduparoundtheFestivalscookerwhichis,asmentioned,billedastheWorldsLargest
LobsterCookerandcanprocessover100lobstersatatimefortheMainEatingTent.
SothenhereisaquestionthatsallbutunavoidableattheWorldsLargestLobsterCooker,andmayarise
inkitchensacrosstheU.S.:Isitallrighttoboilasentientcreaturealivejustforourgustatorypleasure?A
relatedsetofconcerns:IsthepreviousquestionirksomelyPCorsentimental?Whatdoesallrighteven
meaninthiscontext?Isitalljustamatterofindividualchoice?
Asyoumayormaynotknow,acertainwellknowngroupcalledPeoplefortheEthicalTreatmentof
Animalsthinksthatthemoralityoflobsterboilingisnotjustamatterofindividualconscience.Infact,one
oftheveryfirstthingswehearabouttheMLFwell,tosetthescene:Werecominginbycabfromthe
almostindescribablyoddandrusticKnoxCountyAirport
9
verylateonthenightbeforetheFestival
opens,sharingthecabwithawealthypoliticalconsultantwholivesonVinalhavenIslandinthebayhalf
theyear(hesheadedfortheislandferryinRockland).Theconsultantandcabdriverarerespondingto
informaljournalisticprobesabouthowpeoplewholiveinthemidcoastregionactuallyviewtheMLF,as
inistheFestivaljustabigdollartouristthingorisitsomethinglocalresidentslookforwardtoattending,
takegenuinecivicpridein,etc.Thecabdriverwhosinhisseventies,oneofapparentlyawholeplatoon
ofretireesthecabcompanyputsontohelpwiththesummerrush,andwearsaU.S.flaglapelpin,and
drivesinwhatcanonlybecalledaverydeliberatewayassuresusthatlocalsdoendorseandenjoythe
MLF,althoughhehimselfhasntgoneinyears,andnowcometothinkofitnooneheandhiswifeknow
has,either.However,thedemilocalconsultantsbeentorecentFestivalsacoupletimes(onegetsthe
impressionitwasathiswifesbehest),ofwhichhismostvividimpressionwasthatyouhavetolineup
foranungodlylongtimetogetyourlobsters,andmeanwhiletherearealltheseexflowerchildrencoming
upanddownalongthelinehandingoutpamphletsthatsaythelobstersdieinterriblepainandyou
shouldnteatthem.
AnditturnsoutthattheposthippiesoftheconsultantsrecollectionwereactivistsfromPETA.There
werenoPETApeopleinobviousviewatthe2003MLF,
10
buttheyvebeenconspicuousatmanyofthe
recentFestivals.Sinceatleastthemid1990s,articlesineverythingfromTheCamdenHeraldtoTheNew
YorkTimeshavedescribedPETAurgingboycottsoftheMLF,oftendeployingcelebrityspokespeople
likeMaryTylerMooreforopenlettersandadssayingstufflikeLobstersareextraordinarilysensitive
andTome,eatingalobsterisoutofthequestion.MoreconcreteistheoraltestimonyofDick,ourflorid
andextremelygregariousrentalcarguy,totheeffectthatPETAsbeenaroundsomuchinrecentyears
thatakindofbrittlelytoleranthomeostasisnowobtainsbetweentheactivistsandtheFestivalslocals,e.g.:
Wehadsomeincidentsacoupleyearsago.Oneladytookmostofherclothesoffandpaintedherselflike
alobster,almostgotherselfarrested.Butforthemostparttheyreletalone.[Rapidseriesofsmall
ambiguouslaughs,whichwithDickhappensalot.]Theydotheirthingandwedoourthing.
ThiswholeinterchangetakesplaceonRoute1,30July,duringafourmile,50minuteridefromthe
airport
11
tothedealershiptosigncarrentalpapers.Severalirreproducibleseguesdowntheroadfromthe
PETAanecdotes,DickwhosesoninlawhappenstobeaprofessionallobstermanandoneoftheMain
EatingTentsregularsuppliersarticulateswhatheandhisfamilyfeelisthecrucialmitigatingfactorin
thewholemoralityofboilinglobstersaliveissue:Theresapartofthebraininpeopleandanimalsthat
letsusfeelpain,andlobstersbrainsdonthavethispart.
Besidesthefactthatitsincorrectinabout11differentways,themainreasonDicksstatementis
interestingisthatitsthesisismoreorlessechoedbytheFestivalsownpronouncementonlobstersand
pain,whichispartofaTestYourLobsterIQquizthatappearsinthe2003MLFprogramcourtesyofthe
MaineLobsterPromotionCouncil:Thenervoussystemofalobsterisverysimple,andisinfactmost
similartothenervoussystemofthegrasshopper.Itisdecentralizedwithnobrain.Thereisnocerebral
cortex,whichinhumansistheareaofthebrainthatgivestheexperienceofpain.
Thoughitsoundsmoresophisticated,alotoftheneurologyinthislatterclaimisstilleitherfalseorfuzzy.
Thehumancerebralcortexisthebrainpartthatdealswithhigherfacultieslikereason,metaphysicalself
awareness,language,etc.Painreceptionisknowntobepartofamucholderandmoreprimitivesystemof
nociceptorsandprostaglandinsthataremanagedbythebrainstemandthalamus.
12
Ontheotherhand,itis
truethatthecerebralcortexisinvolvedinwhatsvariouslycalledsuffering,distress,ortheemotional
experienceofpaini.e.,experiencingpainfulstimuliasunpleasant,veryunpleasant,unbearable,andso
on.
Beforewegoanyfurther,letsacknowledgethatthequestionsofwhetherandhowdifferentkindsof
animalsfeelpain,andofwhetherandwhyitmightbejustifiabletoinflictpainontheminordertoeat
them,turnouttobeextremelycomplexanddifficult.Andcomparativeneuroanatomyisonlypartofthe
problem.Sincepainisatotallysubjectivementalexperience,wedonothavedirectaccesstoanyoneor
anythingspainbutourownandevenjusttheprinciplesbywhichwecaninferthatothersexperience
painandhavealegitimateinterestinnotfeelingpaininvolvehardcorephilosophymetaphysics,
epistemology,valuetheory,ethics.Thefactthateventhemosthighlyevolvednonhumanmammalscant
uselanguagetocommunicatewithusabouttheirsubjectivementalexperienceisonlythefirstlayerof
additionalcomplicationintryingtoextendourreasoningaboutpainandmoralitytoanimals.And
everythinggetsprogressivelymoreabstractandconvolvedaswemovefartherandfartheroutfromthe
highertypemammalsintocattleandswineanddogsandcatsandrodents,andthenbirdsandfish,and
finallyinvertebrateslikelobsters.
Themoreimportantpointhere,though,isthatthewholeanimalcrueltyandeatingissueisnotjust
complex,itsalsouncomfortable.Itis,atanyrate,uncomfortableforme,andforjustabouteveryoneI
knowwhoenjoysavarietyoffoodsandyetdoesnotwanttoseeherselfascruelorunfeeling.AsfarasI
cantell,myownmainwayofdealingwiththisconflicthasbeentoavoidthinkingaboutthewhole
unpleasantthing.Ishouldaddthatitappearstomeunlikelythatmanyreadersofgourmetwishtothink
hardaboutit,either,ortobequeriedaboutthemoralityoftheireatinghabitsinthepagesofaculinary
monthly.Since,however,theassignedsubjectofthisarticleiswhatitwasliketoattendthe2003MLF,
andthustospendseveraldaysinthemidstofagreatmassofAmericansalleatinglobster,andthustobe
moreorlessimpelledtothinkhardaboutlobsterandtheexperienceofbuyingandeatinglobster,itturns
outthatthereisnohonestwaytoavoidcertainmoralquestions.
Thereareseveralreasonsforthis.Foronething,itsnotjustthatlobstersgetboiledalive,itsthatyoudoit
yourselforatleastitsdonespecificallyforyou,onsite.
13
Asmentioned,theWorldsLargestLobster
Cooker,whichishighlightedasanattractionintheFestivalsprogram,isrightoutthereontheMLFs
northgroundsforeveryonetosee.TrytoimagineaNebraskaBeefFestival
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atwhichpartofthe
festivitiesiswatchingtruckspullupandthelivecattlegetdrivendowntherampandslaughteredright
thereontheWorldsLargestKillingFloororsomethingtheresnoway.
Theintimacyofthewholethingismaximizedathome,whichofcourseiswheremostlobstergets
preparedandeaten(althoughnotealreadythesemiconsciouseuphemismprepared,whichinthecaseof
lobstersreallymeanskillingthemrightthereinourkitchens).Thebasicscenarioisthatwecomeinfrom
thestoreandmakeourlittlepreparationslikegettingthekettlefilledandboiling,andthenweliftthe
lobstersoutofthebagorwhateverretailcontainertheycamehomeinwhereuponsomeuncomfortable
thingsstarttohappen.Howeverstuporousthelobsterisfromthetriphome,forinstance,ittendstocome
alarminglytolifewhenplacedinboilingwater.Ifyouretiltingitfromacontainerintothesteamingkettle,
thelobsterwillsometimestrytoclingtothecontainerssidesoreventohookitsclawsoverthekettles
rimlikeapersontryingtokeepfromgoingovertheedgeofaroof.Andworseiswhenthelobstersfully
immersed.Evenifyoucoverthekettleandturnaway,youcanusuallyhearthecoverrattlingandclanking
asthelobstertriestopushitoff.Orthecreaturesclawsscrapingthesidesofthekettleasitthrashes
around.Thelobster,inotherwords,behavesverymuchasyouorIwouldbehaveifwewereplungedinto
boilingwater(withtheobviousexceptionofscreaming).
15
Ablunterwaytosaythisisthatthelobsteracts
asifitsinterriblepain,causingsomecookstoleavethekitchenaltogetherandtotakeoneofthoselittle
lightweightplasticoventimerswiththemintoanotherroomandwaituntilthewholeprocessisover.
Therehappentobetwomaincriteriathatmostethicistsagreeonfordeterminingwhetheralivingcreature
hasthecapacitytosufferandsohasgenuineintereststhatitmayormaynotbeourmoraldutyto
consider.
16
Oneishowmuchoftheneurologicalhardwarerequiredforpainexperiencetheanimalcomes
equippedwithnociceptors,prostaglandins,neuronalopioidreceptors,etc.Theothercriterioniswhether
theanimaldemonstratesbehaviorassociatedwithpain.Andittakesalotofintellectualgymnasticsand
behavioristhairsplittingnottoseestruggling,thrashing,andlidclatteringasjustsuchpainbehavior.
Accordingtomarinezoologists,itusuallytakeslobstersbetween35and45secondstodieinboiling
water.(NosourceIcouldfindtalkedabouthowlongittakesthemtodieinsuperheatedsteamonerather
hopesitsfaster.)
Thereare,ofcourse,otherfairlycommonwaystokillyourlobsteronsiteandsoachievemaximum
freshness.Somecookspracticeistodriveasharpheavyknifepointfirstintoaspotjustabovethe
midpointbetweenthelobsterseyestalks(moreorlesswheretheThirdEyeisinhumanforeheads).Thisis
allegedeithertokillthelobsterinstantlyortorenderitinsensateandissaidatleasttoeliminatethe
cowardiceinvolvedinthrowingacreatureintoboilingwaterandthenfleeingtheroom.AsfarasIcantell
fromtalkingtoproponentsoftheknifeintheheadmethod,theideaisthatitsmoreviolentbutultimately
moremerciful,plusthatawillingnesstoexertpersonalagencyandacceptresponsibilityforstabbingthe
lobstersheadhonorsthelobstersomehowandentitlesonetoeatit.(TheresoftenavaguesortofNative
Americanspiritualityofthehuntflavortoproknifearguments.)Buttheproblemwiththeknifemethodis
basicbiology:Lobstersnervoussystemsoperateoffnotonebutseveralganglia,a.k.a.nervebundles,
whicharesortofwiredinseriesanddistributedallalongthelobstersunderside,fromstemtostern.And
disablingonlythefrontalgangliondoesnotnormallyresultinquickdeathorunconsciousness.Another
alternativeistoputthelobsterincoldsaltwaterandthenveryslowlybringituptoafullboil.Cookswho
advocatethismethodaregoingmostlyontheanalogytoafrog,whichcansupposedlybekeptfrom
jumpingoutofaboilingpotbyheatingthewaterincrementally.Inordertosavealotofresearch
summarizing,Illsimplyassureyouthattheanalogybetweenfrogsandlobstersturnsoutnottohold.
Ultimately,theonlycertainvirtuesofthehomelobotomyandslowheatingmethodsarecomparative,
becausethereareevenworse/cruelerwayspeoplepreparelobster.Timethriftycookssometimes
microwavethemalive(usuallyafterpokingseveralextraventholesinthecarapace,whichisaprecaution
mostshellfishmicrowaverslearnaboutthehardway).Livedismemberment,ontheotherhand,isbigin
Europe:Somechefscutthelobsterinhalfbeforecookingothersliketotearofftheclawsandtailandtoss
onlythesepartsinthepot.
Andtheresmoreunhappynewsrespectingsufferingcriterionnumberone.Lobstersdonthavemuchin
thewayofeyesightorhearing,buttheydohaveanexquisitetactilesense,onefacilitatedbyhundredsof
thousandsoftinyhairsthatprotrudethroughtheircarapace.Thus,inthewordsofT.M.Pruddens
industryclassicAboutLobster,itisthatalthoughencasedinwhatseemsasolid,impenetrablearmor,the
lobstercanreceivestimuliandimpressionsfromwithoutasreadilyasifitpossessedasoftanddelicate
skin.Andlobstersdohavenociceptors,
17
aswellasinvertebrateversionsoftheprostaglandinsandmajor
neurotransmittersviawhichourownbrainsregisterpain.
Lobstersdonot,ontheotherhand,appeartohavetheequipmentformakingorabsorbingnaturalopioids
likeendorphinsandenkephalins,whicharewhatmoreadvancednervoussystemsusetotrytohandle
intensepain.Fromthisfact,though,onecouldconcludeeitherthatlobstersaremaybeevenmore
vulnerabletopain,sincetheylackmammaliannervoussystemsbuiltinanalgesia,or,instead,thatthe
absenceofnaturalopioidsimpliesanabsenceofthereallyintensepainsensationsthatnaturalopioidsare
designedtomitigate.IforonecandetectamarkedupswinginmoodasIcontemplatethislatterpossibility:
Itcouldbethattheirlackofendorphin/enkephalinhardwaremeansthatlobstersrawsubjective
experienceofpainissoradicallydifferentfrommammalsthatitmaynotevendeservethetermpain.
Perhapslobstersaremorelikethosefrontallobotomypatientsonereadsaboutwhoreportexperiencing
paininatotallydifferentwaythanyouandI.Thesepatientsevidentlydofeelphysicalpain,
neurologicallyspeaking,butdontdislikeitthoughneitherdotheylikeititsmorethattheyfeelitbut
dontfeelanythingaboutitthepointbeingthatthepainisnotdistressingtothemorsomethingthey
wanttogetawayfrom.Maybelobsters,whoarealsowithoutfrontallobes,aredetachedfromthe
neurologicalregistrationofinjuryorhazardwecallpaininjustthesameway.Thereis,afterall,a
differencebetween(1)painasapurelyneurologicalevent,and(2)actualsuffering,whichseemscrucially
toinvolveanemotionalcomponent,anawarenessofpainasunpleasant,assomethingtofear/dislike/want
toavoid.
Still,afteralltheabstractintellection,thereremainthefactsofthefranticallyclankinglid,thepathetic
clingingtotheedgeofthepot.Standingatthestove,itishardtodenyinanymeaningfulwaythatthisisa
livingcreatureexperiencingpainandwishingtoavoid/escapethepainfulexperience.Tomylaymind,the
lobstersbehaviorinthekettleappearstobetheexpressionofapreferenceanditmaywellbethatan
abilitytoformpreferencesisthedecisivecriterionforrealsuffering.
18
Thelogicofthis(preferencep
suffering)relationmaybeeasiesttoseeinthenegativecase.Ifyoucutcertainkindsofwormsinhalf,the
halveswilloftenkeepcrawlingaroundandgoingabouttheirvermiformbusinessasifnothinghad
happened.Whenweassert,basedontheirpostopbehavior,thatthesewormsappearnottobesuffering,
whatwerereallysayingisthattheresnosignthatthewormsknowanythingbadhashappenedorwould
prefernottohavegottencutinhalf.
Lobsters,however,areknowntoexhibitpreferences.Experimentshaveshownthattheycandetect
changesofonlyadegreeortwoinwatertemperatureonereasonfortheircomplexmigratorycycles
(whichcanoftencover100plusmilesayear)istopursuethetemperaturestheylikebest.
19
And,as
mentioned,theyrebottomdwellersanddonotlikebrightlight:Ifatankoffoodlobstersisoutinthe
sunlightorastoresfluorescence,thelobsterswillalwayscongregateinwhateverpartisdarkest.Fairly
solitaryintheocean,theyalsoclearlydislikethecrowdingthatspartoftheircaptivityintanks,since(as
alsomentioned)onereasonwhylobstersclawsarebandedoncaptureistokeepthemfromattackingone
anotherunderthestressofclosequarterstorage.
Inanyevent,attheFestival,standingbythebubblingtanksoutsidetheWorldsLargestLobsterCooker,
watchingthefreshcaughtlobsterspileoveroneanother,wavetheirhobbledclawsimpotently,huddlein
therearcorners,orscrabblefranticallybackfromtheglassasyouapproach,itisdifficultnottosensethat
theyreunhappy,orfrightened,evenifitssomerudimentaryversionofthesefeelingsand,again,why
doesrudimentarinessevenenterintoit?Whyisaprimitive,inarticulateformofsufferinglessurgentor
uncomfortableforthepersonwhoshelpingtoinflictitbypayingforthefooditresultsin?Imnottrying
togiveyouaPETAlikescreedhereatleastIdontthinkso.Imtrying,rather,toworkoutand
articulatesomeofthetroublingquestionsthatariseamidallthelaughterandsaltationandcommunitypride
oftheMaineLobsterFestival.Thetruthisthatifyou,theFestivalattendee,permityourselftothinkthat
lobsterscansufferandwouldrathernot,theMLFcanbegintotakeonaspectsofsomethinglikeaRoman
circusormedievaltorturefest.
Doesthatcomparisonseemabitmuch?Ifso,exactlywhy?Orwhataboutthisone:Isitnotpossiblethat
futuregenerationswillregardourownpresentagribusinessandeatingpracticesinmuchthesamewaywe
nowviewNerosentertainmentsorAztecsacrifices?Myownimmediatereactionisthatsucha
comparisonishysterical,extremeandyetthereasonitseemsextremetomeappearstobethatIbelieve
animalsarelessmorallyimportantthanhumanbeings
20
andwhenitcomestodefendingsuchabelief,
eventomyself,Ihavetoacknowledgethat(a)Ihaveanobviousselfishinterestinthisbelief,sinceIlike
toeatcertainkindsofanimalsandwanttobeabletokeepdoingit,and(b)Ihavenotsucceededin
workingoutanysortofpersonalethicalsysteminwhichthebeliefistrulydefensibleinsteadofjust
selfishlyconvenient.
Giventhisarticlesvenueandmyownlackofculinarysophistication,Imcuriousaboutwhetherthe
readercanidentifywithanyofthesereactionsandacknowledgmentsanddiscomforts.Iamalso
concernednottocomeoffasshrillorpreachywhenwhatIreallyamisconfused.Giventhe(possible)
moralstatusand(verypossible)physicalsufferingoftheanimalsinvolved,whatethicalconvictionsdo
gourmetsevolvethatallowthemnotjusttoeatbuttosavorandenjoyfleshbasedviands(sinceofcourse
refinedenjoyment,ratherthanjustingestion,isthewholepointofgastronomy)?Andforthosegourmets
whollhavenotruckwithconvictionsorrationalesandwhoregardstufflikethepreviousparagraphas
justsomuchpointlessnavelgazing,whatmakesitfeelokay,inside,todismissthewholeissueoutof
hand?Thatis,istheirrefusaltothinkaboutanyofthistheproductofactualthought,orisitjustthatthey
dontwanttothinkaboutit?Dotheyeverthinkabouttheirreluctancetothinkaboutit?Afterall,isnt
beingextraawareandattentiveandthoughtfulaboutonesfoodanditsoverallcontextpartofwhat
distinguishesarealgourmet?Orisallthegourmetsextraattentionandsensibilityjustsupposedtobe
aesthetic,gustatory?
Theselastcouplequeries,though,whilesincere,obviouslyinvolvemuchlargerandmoreabstract
questionsabouttheconnections(ifany)betweenaestheticsandmorality,andthesequestionslead
straightawayintosuchdeepandtreacherouswatersthatitsprobablybesttostopthepublicdiscussion
righthere.Therearelimitstowhateveninterestedpersonscanaskofeachother.
Footnotes:
1. Theresacomprehensivenativeapothegm:Camdenbythesea,Rocklandbythesmell.
2. N.B.Allpersonallyconnectedpartieshavemadeitclearfromthestartthattheydonotwanttobe
talkedaboutinthisarticle.
3. Midcoastersnativetermforalobsteris,infact,bug,asinComearoundonSundayandwell
cookupsomebugs.
4. Factoid:Lobstertrapsareusuallybaitedwithdeadherring.
5. Ofcourse,thecommonpracticeofdippingthelobstermeatinmeltedbuttertorpedoesallthese
happyfatspecs,whichnoneoftheCouncilspromotionalstuffevermentions,anymorethan
potatoindustryPRtalksaboutsourcreamandbaconbits.
6. Intruth,theresagreatdealtobesaidaboutthedifferencesbetweenworkingclassRocklandand
theheavilypopulistflavorofitsFestivalversuscomfortableandelitistCamdenwithitsexpensive
viewandshopsgivenentirelyoverto$200sweatersandgreatrowsofVictorianhomesconverted
toupscaleB&Bs.AndaboutthesedifferencesastwosidesofthegreatcointhatisU.S.tourism.
Verylittleofwhichwillbesaidhere,excepttoamplifytheabovementionedparadoxandtoreveal
yourassignedcorrespondentsownpreferences.IconfessthatIhaveneverunderstoodwhyso
manypeoplesideaofafunvacationistodonflipflopsandsunglassesandcrawlthrough
maddeningtraffictoloudhotcrowdedtouristvenuesinordertosamplealocalflavorthatisby
definitionruinedbythepresenceoftourists.Thismay(asmyFestivalcompanionskeeppointing
out)allbeamatterofpersonalityandhardwiredtaste:ThefactthatIjustdonotliketouristvenues
meansthatIllneverunderstandtheirappealandsoamprobablynottheonetotalkaboutit(the
supposedappeal).But,sincethisnotewillalmostsurelynotsurvivemagazineeditinganyway,here
goes:
AsIseeit,itprobablyreallyisgoodforthesoultobeatourist,evenifitsonlyonceinawhile.Not
goodforthesoulinarefreshingorenliveningway,though,butratherinagrim,steelyeyed,lets
lookhonestlyatthefactsandfindsomewaytodealwiththemway.Mypersonalexperiencehas
notbeenthattravelingaroundthecountryisbroadeningorrelaxing,orthatradicalchangesinplace
andcontexthaveasalutaryeffect,butratherthatintranationaltourismisradicallyconstricting,and
humblinginthehardestwayhostiletomyfantasyofbeingarealindividual,oflivingsomehow
outsideandaboveitall.(Comingupisthepartthatmycompanionsfindespeciallyunhappyand
repellent,asurewaytospoilthefunofvacationtravel:)Tobeamasstourist,forme,istobecomea
purelatedateAmerican:alien,ignorant,greedyforsomethingyoucannoteverhave,disappointed
inawayyoucanneveradmit.Itistospoil,bywayofsheerontology,theveryunspoilednessyou
aretheretoexperience.Itistoimposeyourselfonplacesthatinallnoneconomicwayswouldbe
better,realer,withoutyou.Itis,inlinesandgridlockandtransactionaftertransaction,toconfronta
dimensionofyourselfthatisasinescapableasitispainful:Asatourist,youbecomeeconomically
significantbutexistentiallyloathsome,aninsectonadeadthing.
7. Datum:Inagoodyear,theU.S.industryproducesaround80millionpoundsoflobster,andMaine
accountsformorethanhalfthattotal.
8. N.B.Similarreasoningunderliesthepracticeofwhatstermeddebeakingbroilerchickensand
broodhensinmodernfactoryfarms.Maximumcommercialefficiencyrequiresthatenormous
poultrypopulationsbeconfinedinunnaturallyclosequarters,underwhichconditionsmanybirdsgo
crazyandpeckoneanothertodeath.Asapurelyobservationalsidenote,beapprisedthat
debeakingisusuallyanautomatedprocessandthatthechickensreceivenoanesthetic.Itsnotclear
tomewhethermostgourmetreadersknowaboutdebeaking,oraboutrelatedpracticeslike
dehorningcattleincommercialfeedlots,croppingswinestailsinfactoryhogfarmstokeep
psychoticallyboredneighborsfromchewingthemoff,andsoforth.Itsohappensthatyourassigned
correspondentknewalmostnothingaboutstandardmeatindustryoperationsbeforestartingworkon
thisarticle.
9. Theterminalusedtobesomebodyshouse,forexample,andthelostluggagereportingroomwas
clearlyonceapantry.
10. ItturnedoutthatoneMr.WilliamR.RivasRivas,ahighrankingPETAofficialoutofthegroups
Virginiaheadquarters,wasindeedtherethisyear,albeitsolo,workingtheFestivalsmainandside
entrancesonSaturday,August2,handingoutpamphletsandadhesivestickersemblazonedwith
BeingBoiledHurts,whichisthetaglineinmostofPETAspublishedmaterialaboutlobster.I
learnedthathedbeenthereonlylater,whenspeakingwithMr.RivasRivasonthephone.Imnot
surehowwemissedseeinghiminsituattheFestival,andIcantseemuchtodoexceptapologize
fortheoversightalthoughitsalsotruethatSaturdaywasthedayofthebigMLFparadethrough
Rockland,whichbasicjournalisticresponsibilityseemedtorequiregoingto(andwhich,withall
duerespect,meantthatSaturdaywasmaybenotthebestdayforPETAtoworktheHarborPark
grounds,especiallyifitwasgoingtobejustonepersonforoneday,sincealotofdiehardMLF
partisanswereoffsitewatchingtheparade(which,againwithnooffenseintended,wasintruth
kindofcheesyandboring,consistingmostlyofslowhomemadefloatsandvariousmidcoastpeople
wavingatoneanother,andwithanextremelyannoyingmandressedasBlackbeardrangingupand
downthelengthofthecrowdsayingArrroverandoverandbrandishingaplasticswordat
people,etc.plusitrained)).
11. Theshortversionregardingwhywewerebackattheairportafteralreadyarrivingtheprevious
nightinvolveslostluggageandamiscommunicationaboutwhereandwhatthelocalNationalCar
RentalfranchisewasDickcameoutpersonallytotheairportandgotus,outofnoevidentmotive
butkindness.(Healsotalkednonstoptheentireway,withaverydistinctivespeakingstylethatcan
bedescribedonlyasmanicallylaconicthetruthisthatInowknowmoreaboutthismanthanIdo
aboutsomemembersofmyownfamily.)
12. Toelaboratebywayofexample:Thecommonexperienceofaccidentallytouchingahotstoveand
yankingyourhandbackbeforeyoureevenawarethatanythingsgoingonisexplainedbythefact
thatmanyoftheprocessesbywhichwedetectandavoidpainfulstimulidonotinvolvethecortex.
Inthecaseofthehandandstove,thebrainisbypassedaltogetheralltheimportantneurochemical
actiontakesplaceinthespine.
13. Moralitywise,letsconcedethatthiscutsbothways.Lobstereatingisatleastnotabettedbythe
systemofcorporatefactoryfarmsthatproducesmostbeef,pork,andchicken.Because,ifnothing
else,ofthewaytheyremarketedandpackagedforsale,weeattheselattermeatswithouthavingto
considerthattheywereonceconscious,sentientcreaturestowhomhorriblethingsweredone.(N.B.
PETAdistributesacertainvideothetitleofwhichisbeingomittedaspartoftheelaborate
editorialcompromisebywhichthisnoteappearsatallinwhichyoucanseejustabouteverything
meatrelatedyoudontwanttoseeorthinkabout.(N.B.
2
NotthatPETAsanysortoffontof
unspuntruth.Likemanypartisansincomplexmoraldisputes,thePETApeoplearefanatics,anda
lotoftheirrhetoricseemssimplisticandselfrighteous.Personally,though,IhavetosaythatIfound
thisunnamedvideobothcredibleanddeeplyupsetting.))
14. Isitsignificantthatlobster,fish,andchickenareourcultureswordsforboththeanimaland
themeat,whereasmostmammalsseemtorequireeuphemismslikebeefandporkthathelpus
separatethemeatweeatfromthelivingcreaturethemeatoncewas?Isthisevidencethatsomekind
ofdeepuneaseabouteatinghigheranimalsisendemicenoughtoshowupinEnglishusage,butthat
theuneasediminishesaswemoveoutofthemammalianorder?(Andislamb/lambthe
counterexamplethatsinksthewholetheory,oraretherespecial,biblicohistoricalreasonsforthat
equivalence?)
15. Theresarelevantpopulistmythaboutthehighpitchedwhistlingsoundthatsometimesissuesfrom
apotofboilinglobster.Thesoundisreallyventedsteamfromthelayerofseawaterbetweenthe
lobstersfleshanditscarapace(thisiswhyshedderswhistlemorethanhardshells),butthepop
versionhasitthatthesoundisthelobstersrabbitlikedeathscream.Lobsterscommunicatevia
pheromonesintheirurineanddonthaveanythingclosetothevocalequipmentforscreaming,but
themythsverypersistentwhichmight,onceagain,pointtoalowlevelculturaluneaseaboutthe
boilingthing.
16. Interestsbasicallymeansstrongandlegitimatepreferences,whichobviouslyrequiresomedegree
ofconsciousness,responsivenesstostimuli,etc.See,forinstance,theutilitarianphilosopherPeter
Singer,whose1974AnimalLiberationismoreorlessthebibleofthemodernanimalrights
movement:Itwouldbenonsensetosaythatitwasnotintheinterestsofastonetobekickedalong
theroadbyaschoolboy.Astonedoesnothaveinterestsbecauseitcannotsuffer.Nothingthatwe
candotoitcouldpossiblymakeanydifferencetoitswelfare.Amouse,ontheotherhand,does
haveaninterestinnotbeingkickedalongtheroad,becauseitwillsufferifitis.
17. Thisistheneurologicaltermforspecialpainreceptorsthatare(accordingtoJaneA.Smithand
KennethM.BoydsLivesintheBalance)sensitivetopotentiallydamagingextremesof
temperature,tomechanicalforces,andtochemicalsubstanceswhicharereleasedwhenbodytissues
aredamaged.
18. Preferenceismayberoughlysynonymouswithinterest,butitisabettertermforourpurposes
becauseitslessabstractlyphilosophicalpreferenceseemsmorepersonal,anditsthewhole
ideaofalivingcreaturespersonalexperiencethatsatissue.
19. Ofcourse,themostcommonsortofcounterargumentherewouldbeginbyobjectingthatlikebest
isreallyjustametaphor,andamisleadinglyanthropomorphiconeatthat.Thecounterarguerwould
positthatthelobsterseekstomaintainacertainoptimalambienttemperatureoutofnothingbut
unconsciousinstinct(withasimilarexplanationforthelowlightaffinitiesabouttobementionedin
themaintext).Thethrustofsuchacounterargumentwillbethatthelobstersthrashingsand
clankingsinthekettleexpressnotunpreferredpainbutinvoluntaryreflexes,likeyourlegshooting
outwhenthedoctorhitsyourknee.Beadvisedthatthereareprofessionalscientists,includingmany
researcherswhouseanimalsinexperiments,whoholdtotheviewthatnonhumancreatureshaveno
realfeelingsatall,onlybehaviors.Befurtheradvisedthatthisviewhasalonghistorythatgoesall
thewaybacktoDescartes,althoughitsmodernsupportcomesmostlyfrombehavioristpsychology.
Tothesewhatlooklikepainarereallyonlyreflexescounterarguments,however,therehappento
beallsortsofscientificandproanimalrightscountercounterarguments.Andthenfurtherattempted
rebuttalsandredirects,andsoon.Sufficetosaythatboththescientificandthephilosophical
argumentsoneithersideoftheanimalsufferingissueareinvolved,abstruse,technical,often
informedbyselfinterestorideology,andintheendsototallyinconclusivethatasapracticalmatter,
inthekitchenorrestaurant,itallstillseemstocomedowntoindividualconscience,goingwith(no
pun)yourgut.
20. Meaningalotlessimportant,apparently,sincethemoralcomparisonhereisnotthevalueofone
humanslifevs.thevalueofoneanimalslife,butratherthevalueofoneanimalslifevs.thevalue
ofonehumanstasteforaparticularkindofprotein.Eventhemostdiehardcarniphilewill
acknowledgethatitspossibletoliveandeatwellwithoutconsuminganimals.