Magic For Beginners by Kelly Link, 50 Page Fridays

IRAISE FOR
Magic for Beginners

OneofTe Village VoicesDecadesBestBooksOneofSalons
Best Books of the Decade One of Te Onion A.V. Clubs
10bestshort-storycollectionsofthe00s
A Time Best Book of the Year A Locus Award Vinner
AVorldFantasyAwardFinalistASeattle TimesBestBookof
the Year An Entertainment Weekly Editors Choice One of
LevGrossmansSixGreatestFantasyBooksofAllTime
Dazzling ... I couldnt put [the stories] out of my mind. Tat
sortofresonance,thatlingering,hauntingeect,istheproduct
ofrealmagic. Te New York Times Book Review
[Link] spins her stories in such charming, matter-of-fact tones
thatyoualmostdontrealizeyoureenteringahybridworldthats
partMuggleandpartmagic. Time
Eerieandengrossing. Te Washington Post
Links stories are delightfully playful, almost precocious, as she
createspalimpsestsofsecretpassages,hiddendoors,quietpulses
ofdeepermeaning. Te Boston Globe
Exquisitelyloopy ...Linkswritingissoremarkable,heruseof
languagesomind-bogglinglyperfect,thatyouresuckedintothe
worldofthestoriesbeforeyouknowit. N.xcvIv.i,NIR
Link_9780812986518_3p_all_r1.indd 1 5/2/14 9:23 AM
A workshop in advanced alchemy, cumulatively weirder and
wiserthanherdelightful2001debut,Stranger Tings Happen. . .
[Linksstories]arenotmerelydreamlikesubjecttoanintricate
internal logic, they have a pulsing, worrying intensity, a larger
meaning that lies just on the outer limits of apprehension, like
dreamstranscribedonthevergeofconsciousness.Te Believer
Entrancing ...[Links]proseisfreshandunaected... .Andal-
ways,theconnectivetissueisafunny,ruefulviewofhumanrela-
tions that for all the weird stu going on, remains rooted in
reality... .Tereis,afterall,onlyoneKellyLink.
L.u.Miiiv,Salon
Superb ... Link is the literary descendant of Jorge Luis Borges
andFranzKafka,thosesupremelymatter-of-factcreatorsofal-
ternative realities... . Links stories intertwine to form a world
morerealthananythingyoucouldtouch,tasteorsee;thisworld
exists in the intimate spaces of your mind, real enough to visit,
strangeandfamiliarasadream.
AuvvNirrvxvccv,Te Guardian
Genre-bendersJonathanLethemandNeilGaimanhave,appro-
priately,referredtoLinkasthebestshort-storywriterworking
today;notthebesthorrorwriter,orthebestfantasywriter.
Time Out Chicago
Magic for Beginners is doubly fantastic: It embraces the unreal
andthefanciful,but,moreimportant,itsanoutstandingworkof
ction... .Troughoutthiserceandwittybook,Linkscharac-
tersremainexquisitelyhuman. Te Plain Dealer
Abizarreandenchantingread,worthreadingandre-reading.
Daily Nebraskan
Links[stories]areasrealastheyaremagic... .Teyhelpguide
usthroughthedark. Te Boston Phoenix
Teshortstorycollectionisanendangeredspecieshardlythe
kindofthingyoureapttondattheairport.ButKellyLinkis
thebestargumentforworkingtopreservethespecies.Nowriter
can match her for sheer Kelly Linkinessshes utterly original
andapuredelight. Boing Boing
Linkbringstoeachofherpiecesadreamlike,unsettlingquality
that adds to the sense that on some level of super-reality, all of
theweirdnessmakessomesortofsense. PopMatters
Eervescentblendsofquirkyhumorandpathosthattransform
stockthemesofgenrectionintothestuofdelicatelyricalfan-
tasy. Publishers Weekly(starredreview)
Vildlyentertaining ...Sometimeshilarious,sometimesdiscon-
certing, Links stories demonstrate her wicked sense of humor
andgeniuswit. BookPage
Linkisthepurest,mostdistinctivesurrealistinAmerica.
Booklist
Tesestoriesshimmerlikeimpressionistpaintings... .[Linkis]al-
waysplayfulbothinheruseoflanguageandinherstorytelling... .
ReadingKellyLinkisajoyfulexperience.
Te Montreal Gazette
Veird, funny, sad, scary, moving, hip, ingeniously executed and
brilliantlywrittenstu. Te Independent (London)
Like nothing youve ever read. Blackly funny. Vildly inventive.
Utterlyinsane. Te New Zealand Herald
Tisisoneofthemostextraordinaryandwonderfulbooksofthe
year. Time Out London
Afantasticaltapestryofshortstoriesthatwillhauntyoursleep ...
Eccentricanddark,thecollectionisanAlice in Wonderlandfor
grown-ups. Dazed and Confused (UK)
Renownedformakingtheordinarylookstrangeandthestrange
lookordinary,Linkswritingisbold,tender,mischievousandun-
settling. CorkEvening Echo
Truly magical ... Tese are weird and wacky tales, each with
theirownbarmyinternallogicwhichdrawsyouin,ipsyouon
yourheadandleavesyoudizzywithdisbelief... .Linksextraor-
dinaryuseoflanguageisashauntingasthetalesthemselves... .
Ieruncommontalentshimmersandsparkles. Venue(UK)
A new collection by Kelly Linkand once more the world is
worthsaving.SheispushingtheAmericanshortstoryintoplaces
that it hasnt yet been pushed, while somehow managing to
maintainapowerfulconnectiontotraditionalformsofstorytell-
ingvalues.
Micn.viCn.nox,New York Timesbestsellingauthorof
Telegraph AvenueandTe Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay
Just when you think youve read all the best magic and fantasy
stories,alongcomesLinkandthedullworldisenchantedallover
again. Ier imagination oats free into her very own twilight
zone. Saga(UK)
If I had to pick the most powerfully original voice in fantasy
today,itwouldbeKellyLink.Ierstoriesbegininaworldvery
much like our own, but then, following some mysterious alien
geometry, they twist themselves into something fantastic and,
frequently, horric. You wont come out the same person you
wentin.
LvvGossx.x,New York Timesbestsellingauthorof
Te Magicians LandandTe Magicians
Tedream-logicofMagic for Beginnersisintoxicating.Tesesto-
ries will come alive, put on zoot suits, and wrestle you to the
ground.Teywantyouandyouwillbetheirs.
AiicvSvnoi,New York Timesbestsellingauthorof
Te Almost MoonandTe Lovely Bones
BY KELLY LI NK
Magic for Beginners
Stranger Things Happen
Pretty Monsters
(foryoungreaders)
Magic for
Beginner s
KELLY LINK
Magic for
Beginners
St or i es
Illustrated by Shelley Jackson
R A NDOM HOUS E T R A DE PA P E R B AC K S
NE W Y OR K
Magic for Beginnersisaworkofction.Names,characters,places,andincidents
eitheraretheproductoftheauthorsimaginationorareusedctitiously.
Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,events,
orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
2014RandomIouseTradeIaperbackEdition
Copyright2005byKellyLink
ConversationwithJoeIill2014byRandomIouseLLC
Allrightsreserved.
IublishedintheUnitedStatesbyRandomIouseTradeIaperbacks,
animprintofRandomIouse,adivisionofRandomIouseLLC,
aIenguinRandomIouseCompany,NewYork.
R.xoxIousvandtheIousvcolophonareregistered
trademarksofRandomIouseLLC.
OriginallypublishedinhardcoverintheUnitedStatesbySmallBeerIress,
Northampton,MA,in2005.
Tefollowingstorieshavebeenpreviouslypublished:TeGreatDivorcein
One Story,MagicforBeginnersinTe Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction,
TeFaeryIandbaginTe Faery Reel,TeIortlakinTe Dark,TeCannon
inSay. . . What Time Is It?,StoneAnimalsinConjunctions 43,Catskinin
McSweeneys Mammoth Treasury of Trilling Tales,andLullinConjunctions 39
IllustrationsbyShelleyJackson
iin.vorcoxcvssc.r.iocixc-ix-vuniic.riox.r.
Link,Kelly.
Magicforbeginners/KellyLink,illustratedbyShelleyJackson.
p. cm.
IJackson,Shelley,ill.II.Title.
IS3612.I533M34 2006
813
'
.6dc22 2006015907
ISBN:978-0-8129-8651-8ISBN978-1-931520-92-8(eBook)
www.atrandom.com
1 3 5 7 9 8 6 4 2
BookdesignbyCarolineCunningham

Purchase a copy of
MAGIC FOR BEGINNERS
In hardcover, or eBook!

For Gavin
and the Avenue Victor Hugo Bookshop,
where I met him.
Contents
The Faery Handbag 3
The Hortlak 31
The Cannon 67
Stone Animals 77
Catskin 133
Some Zombie Contingency Plans 169
The Great Divorce 199
Magic for Beginners 217
Lull 277
Before the raiding party arrived, the village packed up all of
their belongings and moved into the handbag.
The Faer y Handbag
Iusvrocorothriftstoreswithmyfriends.Vedtakethe
trainintoBoston,andgotoTeGarmentDistrict,whichisthis
huge vintage clothing warehouse. Everything is arranged by
color,andsomehowthatmakesalloftheclothesbeautiful.Its
kind of like if you went through the wardrobe in the Narnia
books,onlyinsteadofndingAslanandtheVhiteVitchand
horribleEustace,youfoundthismagicclothingworldinstead
oftalkinganimals,therewerefeatherboasandweddingdresses
and bowling shoes, and paisley shirts and Doc Martens and
everythinghunguponrackssothatrstyouhaveblackdresses,
alltogether,liketheworldslargestindoorfuneral,andthenblue
dressesall the blues you can imagineand then red dresses
andsoon.Iinkredsandorangeyredsandpurpleredsandexit-
lightredsandcandyreds.SometimesIwouldclosemyeyesand
NatashaandNatalieandJakewoulddragmeovertoarack,and
rubadressagainstmyhand.Guesswhatcolorthisis.
Vehadthistheorythatyoucouldlearnhowtotell,justby
feeling,whatcolorsomethingwas.Forexample,ifyouresitting
onalawn,youcantellwhatcolorgreenthegrassis,withyour
eyes closed, depending on how silky-rubbery it feels. Vith
clothing,stretchyvelvetstualwaysfeelsredwhenyoureyesare
4
0
MAGIC FOR BEGI NNERS
closed,evenifitsnotred.Natashawasalwaysbestatguessing
colors,butNatashaisalsobestatcheatingatgamesandnotget-
tingcaught.
One time we were looking through kids T-shirts and we
foundaMuppetsT-shirtthathadbelongedtoNatalieinthird
grade.Veknewitbelongedtoher,becauseitstillhadhername
inside, where her mother had written it in permanent marker
whenNataliewenttosummercamp.Jakeboughtitbackforher,
becausehewastheonlyonewhohadmoneythatweekend.Ie
wastheonlyonewhohadajob.
MaybeyourewonderingwhataguylikeJakeisdoinginTe
GarmentDistrictwithabunchofgirls.TethingaboutJakeis
thathealwayshasagoodtime,nomatterwhathesdoing.Ie
likeseverything,andhelikeseveryone,buthelikesmebestof
all.Vhereverheisnow,Ibetheshavingagreattimeandwon-
deringwhenImgoingtoshowup.Imalwaysrunninglate.But
heknowsthat.
Vehadthistheorythatthingshavelifecycles,thewaythat
people do. Te life cycle of wedding dresses and feather boas
and T-shirts and shoes and handbags involves Te Garment
District.Ifclothesaregood,oreveniftheyrebadinaninterest-
ingway,TeGarmentDistrictiswheretheygowhentheydie.
Youcantellthattheyredead,becauseofthewaythattheysmell.
Vhen you buy them, and wash them, and start wearing them
again,andtheystarttosmelllikeyou,thatswhentheyreincar-
nate.Butthepointis,ifyourelookingforaparticularthing,you
justhavetokeeplookingforit.Youhavetolookhard.
Down in the basement at Te Garment District they sell
clothing and beat-up suitcases and teacups by the pound.You
can get eight pounds worth of prom dressesa slinky black
dress,apoufylavenderdress,aswirlypinkdress,asilvery,starry
The Fae r y Handbag
0
5
lam dress so ne you could pass it through a key ringfor
eightdollars.Igothereeveryweek,huntingforGrandmother
7oasfaeryhandbag.
Tefaeryhandbag:Itshugeandblackandkindofhairy.Even
whenyoureyesareclosed,itfeelsblack.Asblackasblackever
gets,likeifyoutouchit,yourhandmightgetstuckinit,liketar
orblackquicksandorwhenyoustretchoutyourhandatnight,
toturnonalight,butallyoufeelisdarkness.
Fairies live inside it. I know what that sounds like, but its
true.
Grandmother7oasaiditwasafamilyheirloom.Shesaidthat
itwasovertwohundredyearsold.Shesaidthatwhenshedied,
Ihadtolookafterit.Beitsguardian.Shesaidthatitwouldbe
myresponsibility.
I said that it didnt look that old, and that they didnt have
handbagstwohundredyearsago,butthatjustmadehercross.
She said,So then tell me, Genevieve, darling, where do you
thinkoldladiesusedtoputtheirreadingglassesandtheirheart
medicineandtheirknittingneedles:
Iknowthatnooneisgoingtobelieveanyofthis.Tatsokay.If
Ithoughtyouwould,thenIcouldnttellyou.Iromisemethat
youwontbelieveaword.Tatswhat7oausedtosaytome
whenshetoldmestories.Atthefuneral,mymothersaid,half-
laughingandhalf-crying,thathermotherwastheworldsbest
liar.Ithinkshethoughtmaybe7oawasntreallydead.ButI
wentupto7oascon,andIlookedherrightintheeyes.Tey
wereclosed.Tefuneralparlorhadmadeherupwithblueeye-
shadow,andblueeyeliner.Shelookedlikeshewasgoingtobea
6
0
news anchor on Fox television, instead of dead. It was creepy
anditmademeevensadderthanIalreadywas.ButIdidntlet
thatdistractme.
Okay, 7oa, I whispered.I know youre dead, but this is
important.Youknowexactlyhowimportantthisis.Vheresthe
handbag:Vhatdidyoudowithit:IowdoIndit:Vhatam
Isupposedtodonow:
Ofcourse,shedidntsayaword.Shejustlaythere,thislittle
smileonherface,asifshethoughtthewholethingdeath,blue
eyeshadow, Jake, the handbag, fairies, Scrabble, Baldeziwurle-
kistan,allofitwasajoke.Shealwaysdidhaveaweirdsense
ofhumor.TatswhysheandJakegotalongsowell.
Igrewupinahousenextdoortothehousewheremymother
lived when she was a little girl. Ier mother, 7oa Swink, my
grandmother,babysatmewhilemymotherandfatherwereat
work.
7oa never looked like a grandmother. She had long black
hair, which she plaited up in spiky towers. She had large blue
eyes.Shewastallerthanmyfather.Shelookedlikeaspyorbal-
lerinaoraladypirateorarockstar.Sheactedlikeonetoo.For
example,sheneverdroveanywhere.Sherodeabike.Itdrovemy
mothercrazy.Vhycantyouactyourage:shedsay,and7oa
wouldjustlaugh.
7oaandIplayedScrabbleallthetime.7oaalwayswon,
eventhoughherEnglishwasntallthatgreat,becausewedde-
cided that she was allowed to use Baldeziwurleki vocabulary.
Baldeziwurlekistaniswhere7oawasborn,overtwohundred
yearsago.Tatswhat7oasaid.(Mygrandmotherclaimedto
be over two hundred years old. Or maybe even older. Some-
times she claimed that shed even met Genghis Khan. Ie was
The Fae r y Handbag
0
7
much shorter than her. I probably dont have time to tell that
story.)Baldeziwurlekistanisalsoanincrediblyvaluablewordin
Scrabblepoints,eventhoughitdoesntexactlytontheboard.
7oaputitdownthersttimeweplayed.Iwasfeelingpretty
goodbecauseIdgottenforty-onepointsforzipperyonmyturn.
7oa kept rearranging her letters on her tray. Ten she
looked over at me, as if daring me to stop her, and put down
eziwurlekistan,afterbald.Sheuseddelicious, zippery, wishes, kis-
met,andneedle,andmadetointotoe.Baldeziwurlekistanwentall
the way across the board and then trailed o down the right-
handside.
Istartedlaughing.
I used up all my letters, 7oa said. She licked her pencil
andstartedaddinguppoints.
Tatsnotaword,Isaid.Baldeziwurlekistanisnotaword.
Besides,youcantdothat.Youcantputaneighteen-letterword
onaboardthatsfteensquaresacross.
Vhynot:Itsacountry,7oasaid.ItswhereIwasborn,
littledarling.
Challenge,Isaid.Iwentandgotthedictionaryandlooked
itup.Teresnosuchplace.
Ofcoursethereisntnowadays,7oasaid.Itwasntavery
bigplace,evenwhenitwasaplace.ButyouveheardofSamar-
kand, and Uzbekistan and the Silk Road and Genghis Khan.
IaventItoldyouaboutmeetingGenghisKhan:
IlookedupSamarkand.Okay,Isaid.Samarkandisareal
place.Arealword.ButBaldeziwurlekistanisnt.
Teycallitsomethingelsenow,7oasaid.ButIthinkits
important to remember where we come from. I think its only
fair that I get to use Baldeziwurleki words.Your English is so
much better than me. Iromise me something, mouthful of
8
0
dumpling, a small, small thing.Youll remember its real name.
Baldeziwurlekistan.NowwhenIadditup,Igetthreehundred
andsixty-eightpoints.Couldthatberight:
If you called the faery handbag by its right name, it would be
something like orzipanikanikcz, which means thebag of skin
where the world lives, only 7oa never spelled that word the
same way twice. She said you had to spell it a little dierently
each time. You never wanted to spell it exactly the right way,
becausethatwouldbedangerous.
IcalleditthefaeryhandbagbecauseIputfaerydownonthe
Scrabbleboardonce.7oasaidthatyouspelleditwithani,not
ane.Shelookeditupinthedictionary,andlostaturn.
7oa said that in Baldeziwurlekistan they used a board and
tiles for divination, prognostication, and sometimes even just
forfun.ShesaiditwasalittlelikeplayingScrabble.Tatsprob-
ablywhysheturnedouttobesogoodatScrabble.TeBaldezi-
wurlekistaniansusedtheirtilesandboardtocommunicatewith
thepeoplewholivedunderthehill.Tepeoplewholivedunder
thehillknewthefuture.TeBaldeziwurlekistaniansgavethem
fermentedmilkandhoney,andtheyoungwomenofthevillage
usedtogoandlieoutonthehillandsleepunderthestars.Ap-
parentlythepeopleunderthehillwereprettycute.Teimpor-
tantthingwasthatyouneverwentdownintothehillandspent
thenightthere,nomatterhowcutetheguyfromunderthehill
was.Ifyoudid,evenifyouspentonlyasinglenightunderthe
hill, when you came out again, a hundred years might have
passed.Remember that, 7oa said to me.It doesnt matter
howcuteaguyis.Ifhewantsyoutocomebacktohisplace,it
isnt a good idea. Its okay to fool around, but dont spend the
night.
The Fae r y Handbag
0
9
Every once in a while, a woman from under the hill would
marryamanfromthevillage,eventhoughitneverendedwell.
Te problem was that the women under the hill were terrible
cooks.Teycouldntgetusedtothewaytimeworkedinthevil-
lage,whichmeantthatsupperalwaysgotburnt,orelseitwasnt
cookedlongenough.Buttheycouldntstandtobecriticized.It
hurttheirfeelings.Iftheirvillagehusbandcomplained,oreven
ifhelookedlikehewantedtocomplain,thatwasit.Tewoman
fromunderthehillwentbacktoherhome,andevenifherhus-
bandwentandbeggedandpleadedandapologized,itmightbe
threeyearsorthirtyyearsorafewgenerationsbeforeshecame
backout.
Eventhebest,happiestmarriagesbetweentheBaldeziwurle-
kistaniansandthepeopleunderthehillfellapartwhenthechil-
drengotoldenoughtocomplainaboutdinner.Buteveryonein
thevillagehadsomehillbloodinthem.
Its in you, 7oa said, and kissed me on the nose.Iassed
downfrommygrandmotherandhermother.Itswhywereso
beautiful.
Vhen 7oa was nineteen, the shaman-priestess in her vil-
lage threw the tiles and discovered that something bad was
going to happen. A raiding party was coming. Tere was no
point in ghting them. Tey would burn down everyones
houses and take the young men and women for slaves.And it
wasevenworsethanthat.Terewasgoingtobeanearthquake
as well, which was bad news because usually, when raiders
showedup,thevillagewentdownunderthehillforanightand
whentheycameoutagain,theraiderswouldhavebeengonefor
monthsordecadesorevenahundredyears.Butthisearthquake
wasgoingtosplitthehillrightopen.
Tepeopleunderthehillwereintrouble.Teirhomewould
bedestroyed,andtheywouldbedoomedtoroamthefaceofthe
10
0
earth,weepingandlamentingtheirfateuntilthesunblewout
andtheskycrackedandtheseasboiledandthepeopledriedup
and turned to dust and blew away. So the shaman-priestess
wentanddivinedsomemore,andthepeopleunderthehilltold
her to kill a black dog and skin it and use the skin to make a
pursebigenoughtoholdachicken,anegg,andacookingpot.
Soshedid,andthenthepeopleunderthehillmadetheinside
ofthepursebigenoughtoholdallofthevillageandallofthe
people under the hill and mountains and forests and seas and
riversandlakesandorchardsandaskyandstarsandspiritsand
fabulousmonstersandsirensanddragonsanddryadsandmer-
maidsandbeastiesandallthelittlegodsthattheBaldeziwurle-
kistaniansandthepeopleunderthehillworshipped.
Yourpurseismadeoutofdogskin:Isaid.Tatsdisgust-
ing:
Littledearpet,7oasaid,lookingwistful.Dogisdelicious.
ToBaldeziwurlekistanians,dogisadelicacy.
Beforetheraidingpartyarrived,thevillagepackedupallof
their belongings and moved into the handbag. Te clasp was
madeoutofbone.Ifyouopeneditoneway,thenitwasjusta
pursebigenoughtoholdachickenandaneggandaclaycook-
ingpot,orelseapairofreadingglassesandalibrarybookanda
pillbox. If you opened the clasp another way, then you found
yourselfinalittleboatoatingatthemouthofariver.Oneither
sideofyouwasforest,wheretheBaldeziwurlekistanianvillagers
andthepeopleunderthehillmadetheirnewsettlement.
Ifyouopenedthehandbagthewrongway,though,youfound
yourselfinadarklandthatsmelledlikeblood.Tatswherethe
guardianofthepurse(thedogwhoseskinhadbeensewnintoa
purse) lived. Te guardian had no skin. Its howl made blood
comeoutofyourearsandnose.Ittoreapartanyonewhoturned
The Fae r y Handbag
0
11
theclaspintheoppositedirectionandopenedthepurseinthe
wrongway.
Iereisthewrongwaytoopenthehandbag,7oasaid.She
twisted the clasp, showing me how she did it. She opened the
mouthofthepurse,butnotverywide,andheldituptome.Go
ahead,darling,andlistenforasecond.
I put my head near the handbag, but not too near. I didnt
hearanything.Idonthearanything,Isaid.
Te poor dog is probably asleep, 7oa said.Even night-
mareshavetosleepnowandthen.
Afterhegotexpelled,everybodyatschoolcalledJakeIoudini
instead of Jake. Everybody except for me. Ill explain why, but
you have to be patient. Its hard work telling everything in the
rightorder.
Jakeissmarterandalsotallerthanmostofourteachers.Not
quite as tall as me.Veve known each other since third grade.
Jake has always been in love with me. Ie says he was in love
with me even before third grade, even before we ever met. It
tookmeawhiletofallinlovewithJake.
In third grade, Jake knew everything already, except how to
makefriends.Ieusedtofollowmearoundalldaylong.Itmade
me so mad that I kicked him in the knee. Vhen that didnt
work,Ithrewhisbackpackoutthewindowoftheschoolbus.
Tatdidntworkeither,butthenextyearJaketooksometests
andtheschooldecidedthathecouldskipfourthandfthgrade.
Even I felt sorry for Jake then. Sixth grade didnt work out.
Vhen the sixth graders wouldnt stop ushing his head down
thetoilet,hewentoutandcaughtaskunkandsetitlooseinthe
boyslockerroom.
Teschoolwasgoingtosuspendhimfortherestoftheyear,
12
0
but instead Jake took two years o while his mother home-
schooledhim.IelearnedLatinandIebrewandGreek,howto
writesestinas,howtomakesushi,howtoplaybridge,andeven
how to knit. Ie learned fencing and ballroom dancing. Ie
workedinasoupkitchenandmadeaSuper8movieaboutCivil
Var reenactors who play extreme croquet in full costume in-
steadofringocannons.Iestartedlearninghowtoplaygui-
tar. Ie even wrote a novel. Ive never read ithe says it was
awful.
Vhenhecamebacktwoyearslater,becausehismotherhad
cancerforthersttime,theschoolputhimbackwithouryear,
inseventhgrade.Iewasstillwaytoosmart,buthewasnally
smart enough to gure out how to t in. Ilus he was good at
soccerandhewasyummy.DidImentionthatheplayedguitar:
Every girl in school had a crush on Jake, but he used to come
home after school with me and play Scrabble with 7oa and
askheraboutBaldeziwurlekistan.
JakesmomwasnamedCynthia.Shecollectedceramicfrogsand
knock-knockjokes.Vhenwewereinninthgrade,shehadcan-
cer again. Vhen she died, Jake smashed all of her frogs. Tat
was the rst funeral I ever went to.A few months later, Jakes
fatheraskedJakesfencingteacheroutonadate.Teygotmar-
ried right after the school expelled Jake for his AI project on
Ioudini.TatwastherstweddingIeverwentto.JakeandI
stoleabottleofwineanddrankit,andIthrewupintheswim-
mingpoolatthecountryclub.Jakethrewupallovermyshoes.
So,anyway,thevillageandthepeopleunderthehilllivedhap-
pilyeverafterforafewweeksinthehandbag,whichtheyhad
tiedaroundarockinadrywellthatthepeopleunderthehill
haddeterminedwouldsurvivetheearthquake.Butsomeofthe
The Fae r y Handbag
0
13
Baldeziwurlekistanianswantedtocomeoutagainandseewhat
wasgoingonintheworld.7oawasoneofthem.Ithadbeen
summerwhentheywentintothebag,butwhentheycameout
again, and climbed out of the well, snow was falling and their
villagewasruinsandcrumblyoldrubble.Teywalkedthrough
the snow, 7oa carrying the handbag, until they came to an-
othervillage,onethattheydneverseenbefore.Everyoneinthat
villagewaspackinguptheirbelongingsandleaving,whichgave
7oaandherfriendsabadfeeling.Itseemedtobejustthesame
aswhentheywentintothehandbag.
Teyfollowedtherefugees,whoseemedtoknowwherethey
weregoing,andnallyeveryonecametoacity.7oahadnever
seensuchaplace.Tereweretrainsandelectriclightsandmovie
theaters, and there were people shooting each other. Bombs
were falling. A war going on. Most of the villagers decided to
climb right back inside the handbag, but 7oa volunteered to
stayintheworldandlookafterthehandbag.Shehadfallenin
love with movies and silk stockings and with a young man, a
Russiandeserter.
7oa and the Russian deserter married and had many ad-
ventures and nally came to America, where my mother was
born. Now and then 7oa would consult the tiles and talk to
the people who lived in the handbag and they would tell her
howbesttoavoidtroubleandhowsheandherhusbandcould
make some money. Every now and then one of the Baldezi-
wurlekistaniansoroneofthepeoplefromunderthehillcame
outofthehandbagandwantedtogogroceryshopping,ortoa
movieoranamusementparktorideonrollercoasters,ortothe
library.
Te more advice 7oa gave her husband, the more money
they made. Ier husband became curious about 7oas hand-
bag,becausehecouldseethattherewassomethingoddaboutit,
14
0
but7oatoldhimtomindhisownbusiness.Iebegantospy
on7oa,andsawthatstrangemenandwomenwerecomingin
and out of the house. Ie became convinced that either 7oa
was a spy for the Communists, or maybe that she was having
aairs.Teyfoughtandhedrankmoreandmore,andnallyhe
threwawayherdivinationtiles.Russiansmakebadhusbands,
7oatoldme.Finally,onenightwhile7oawassleeping,her
husband opened the bone clasp and climbed inside the hand-
bag.
Ithoughthedleftme,7oasaid.Foralmosttwentyyears
IthoughthedleftmeandyourmotherandtakenoforCali-
fornia. Not that I minded. I was tired of being married and
cookingdinnersandcleaninghouseforsomeoneelse.Itsbetter
tocookwhatIwanttoeat,andcleanupwhenIdecidetoclean
up.Itwasharderonyourmother,nothavingafather.Tatwas
thepartthatImindedmost.
Ten it turned out that he hadnt run away after all. Ie
spentonenightinthehandbagandcameoutagaintwentyyears
later, exactly as handsome as I remembered, and enough time
hadpassedthatIhadforgivenhimallthequarrels.Vemadeup
anditwasallveryromanticandthenwhenwehadanotherght
the next morning, he went and kissed your mother, who had
sleptrightthroughhisvisit,onthecheek,andthenheclimbed
rightbackinsidethehandbag.Ididntseehimagainforanother
twentyyears.Telasttimeheshowedup,wewenttoseeStar
Warsandhelikeditsomuchthathewentbackinsidethehand-
bagtotelleveryoneelseaboutit.Inacoupleofyearstheyllall
showupandwanttoseeitonvideoandallofthesequelstoo.
Tellthemnottobotherwiththeprequels,Isaid.
Te thing about 7oa and libraries is that shes always losing
librarybooks.Shesaysthatshehasntlostthem,andinfactthat
The Fae r y Handbag
0
15
theyarentevenoverdue,really.Itsjustthatevenoneweekin-
sidethefaeryhandbagisalotlongerinlibrary-worldtime.So
what is she supposed to do about it: Te librarians all hate
7oa.Shesbannedfromusinganyofthebranchesinourarea.
Vhen I was eight, she got me to go to the library for her and
checkoutbiographiesandsciencebooksandGeorgetteIeyer
romancenovels.Mymotherwaslividwhenshefoundout,but
itwastoolate.7oahadalreadymisplacedmostofthem.
Itsreallyhardtowriteaboutsomebodyasiftheyrereallydead.
I still think 7oa must be sitting in her living room, in her
house,watchingsomeoldhorrormovie,droppingpopcorninto
herhandbag.SheswaitingformetocomeoverandplayScrab-
ble.
Nobodyisevergoingtoreturnthoselibrarybooksnow.
My mother used to come home from work and roll her eyes.
Iaveyoubeentellingthemyourfairystories:shedsay.Gen-
evieve,yourgrandmotherisahorribleliar.
7oawouldfolduptheScrabbleboardandshrugatmeand
Jake.Im a wonderful liar, shed say.Im the best liar in the
world.Iromisemeyouwontbelieveasingleword.
ButshewouldnttellthestoryofthefaeryhandbagtoJake.
Only the old Baldeziwurlekistanian folktales and fairy tales
about the people under the hill. She told him about how she
and her husband made it all the way across Europe, hiding in
haystacksandinbarns.Vhatshetoldmewashowonce,when
herhusbandwentotondfood,afarmerfoundherhidingin
hischickencoopandtriedtorapeher.Butsheopenedupthe
faeryhandbaginthewaysheshowedme,andthedogcameout
andatethefarmerandallhischickenstoo.
16
0
ShewasteachingJakeandmehowtocurseinBaldeziwurleki.
IalsoknowhowtosayI love you,butImnotgoingtoeversay
ittoanyoneagain,excepttoJake,whenIndhim.
Vhen I was eight, I believed everything 7oa told me. By
thetimeIwasthirteen,Ididntbelieveasingleword.VhenI
wasfteen,Isawamancomeoutofherhouseandgeton7o-
asthree-speedbicycleandridedownthestreet.Ieworefunny
clothes.Iewasalotyoungerthanmymotherandfather,and
even though Id never seen him before, he was familiar. I fol-
lowedhimonmybike,allthewaytothegrocerystore.Iwaited
justpastthecheckoutlaneswhileheboughtpeanutbutter,Jack
Daniels,halfadozeninstantcameras,andatleastsixtypacksof
Reeses Ieanut Butter Cups, three bags of Iersheys Kisses, a
handful of Milky Vay bars, and other stu from the rack of
checkoutcandy.Vhilethecheckoutclerkwashelpinghimbag
upallofthatchocolate,helookedupandsawme.Genevieve:
hesaid.Tatsyourname,right:
Iturnedandranoutofthestore.Iegrabbedupthebagsand
ranafterme.Idonteventhinkhegothischangeback.Iwasstill
running away, and then one of the straps on my ip-ops
poppedoutofthesole,thewaytheydo,andthatmademereally
angrysoIjuststopped.Iturnedaround.
Vhoareyou:Isaid.
But I already knew. Ie looked like he could have been my
moms younger brother. Ie was really cute. I could see why
7oahadfalleninlovewithhim.
IisnamewasRustan.7oatoldmyparentsthathewasan
expertinBaldeziwurlekistanianfolklorewhowouldbestaying
withherforafewdays.Shebroughthimoverfordinner.Jake
wastheretoo,andIcouldtellthatJakeknewsomethingwasup.
Everybodyexceptmydadknewsomethingwasgoingon.
The Fae r y Handbag
0
17
You mean Baldeziwurlekistan is a real place: my mother
askedRustan.Mymotheristellingthetruth:
IcouldseethatRustanwashavingahardtimewiththatone.
Ieobviouslywantedtosaythathiswifewasahorribleliar,but
thenwherewouldhebe:Tenhecouldntbethepersonthathe
wassupposedtobe.
Tere were probably a lot of things that he wanted to say.
Vhathesaidwas,Tisisreallygoodpizza.
Rustantookalotofpicturesatdinner.TenextdayIwent
withhimtogetthepicturesdeveloped.Iedbroughtbacksome
lmwithhim,withpictureshedtakeninsidethefaeryhandbag,
butthosedidntcomeoutwell.Maybethelmwastooold.Ve
got doubles of the pictures from dinner so that I could have
sometoo.TeresagreatpictureofJake,sittingoutsideonthe
porch.Ieslaughing,andhehashishanduptohismouth,like
hesgoingtocatchthelaugh.Ihavethatpictureuponmycom-
puter,andalsouponmywallovermybed.
IboughtaCadburyCremeEggforRustan.Tenweshook
hands and he kissed me once on each cheek. Give one of
those kisses to your mother, he said, and I thought about
how the next time I saw him, I might be 7oas age, and he
would be only a few days older. Te next time I saw him,
7oawouldbedead.JakeandImighthavekids.Tatwastoo
weird.
IknowRustantriedtoget7oatogobackwithhim,tolivein
thehandbag,butshewouldnt.
It makes me dizzy in there, she used to tell me.And they
donthavemovietheaters.AndIhavetolookafteryourmother
andyou.Maybewhenyoureoldenoughtolookafterthehand-
bag,Illpokemyheadinside,justlongenoughforalittlevisit.
18
0
I didnt fall in love with Jake because he was smart. Im pretty
smartmyself.Iknowthatsmartdoesntmeannice,orevenmean
that you have a lot of common sense. Look at all the trouble
smartpeoplegetthemselvesinto.
I didnt fall in love with Jake because he could make maki
rollsandhadablackbeltinfencing,orwhateveritisthatyou
get if youre good in fencing. I didnt fall in love with Jake be-
cause he plays guitar. Ies a better soccer player than he is a
guitarplayer.
TosewerethereasonswhyIwentoutonadatewithJake.
Tat,andbecauseheaskedme.IeaskedifIwantedtogoseea
movie,andIaskedifIcouldbringmygrandmotherandNatalie
andNatasha.Iesaidsureandsoallveofussatandwatched
Bring It Onandeveryonceinawhile7oadroppedacoupleof
MilkDudsorsomepopcornintoherpurse.Idontknowifshe
wasfeedingthedog,orifshedopenedthepursetherightway,
andwasthrowingfoodatherhusband.
I fell in love with Jake because he told stupid knock-knock
jokestoNatalie,andtoldNatashathathelikedherjeans.Ifell
inlovewithJakewhenhetookmeand7oahome.Iewalked
heruptoherfrontdoorandthenhewalkedmeuptomine.I
fellinlovewithJakewhenhedidnttrytokissme.Tethingis,
I was nervous about the whole kissing thing. Most guys think
thattheyrebetteratitthantheyreallyare.NotthatIthinkIm
arealgeniusatkissingeither,butIdontthinkkissingshouldbe
acompetitivesport.Itisnttennis.
NatalieandNatashaandIusedtopracticekissingwitheach
other.Justforpractice.Vegotprettygoodatit.Vecouldsee
whykissingwassupposedtobefun.
The Fae r y Handbag
0
19
But Jake didnt try to kiss me. Instead he just gave me this
really big hug. Ie put his face in my hair and he sighed. Ve
stood there like that, and then nally I said,Vhat are you
doing:
Ijustwantedtosmellyourhair,hesaid.
Oh, I said. Tat made me feel weird, but in a good way. I
stuckmynoseinhishair,whichisbrownandcurly.Ismelledit.
Vestoodthereandsmelledeachothershair,andIfeltsogood.
Ifeltsohappy.
Jake said into my hair,Do you know that actor John Cu-
sack:
I said, Yeah. One of 7oas favorite movies is Better O
Dead.Vewatchitallthetime.
Sohelikestogouptowomenandsmelltheirarmpits.
Gross:Isaid.Tatssuchalie:Vhatareyoudoingnow:
Tattickles.
Imsmellingyourear,Jakesaid.
Jakeshairsmelledlikeicedteawithhoneyinit,afteralltheice
hasmelted.
Kissing Jake is like kissing Natalie or Natasha, except that it
isntjustforfun.Itfeelslikesomethingthereisntawordforin
Scrabble.
TedealwithIoudiniisthatJakegotinterestedinhimduring
Advanced Ilacement American Iistory. Ie and I were both
putintenth-gradehistory.Veweredoingbiographyprojects.I
wasstudyingJosephMcCarthy.Mygrandmotherhadallsorts
of stories about McCarthy. She hated him for what he did to
Iollywood.
20
0
Jake didnt turn in his projectinstead he told everyone in
ourAIclassexceptforMr.Streep(wecallhimMeryl)tomeet
him at the gym on Saturday.Vhen we showed up, Jake reen-
actedoneofIoudinisescapeswithalaundrybag,handcus,a
gym locker, bicycle chains, and the schools swimming pool. It
took him three and a half minutes to get free, and this guy
namedRogertookabunchofphotosandthenputthephotos
online. One of the photos ended up in Te Boston Globe, and
Jakegotexpelled.Tereallyironicthingwasthatwhilehismom
wasinthehospital,JakehadappliedtoMIT.Iediditforhis
mom.Iethoughtthatwayshedhavetostayalive.Shewasso
excited about MIT. A couple of days after hed been expelled,
rightafterthewedding,whilehisdadandthefencinginstructor
wereinBermuda,hegotanacceptanceletterinthemailanda
phonecallfromthisguyintheadmissionsocewhoexplained
whytheyhadtowithdrawtheacceptance.
MymotherwantedtoknowwhyIletJakewraphimselfupin
bicycle chains and then watched while Ieter and Michael
pushedhimintothedeependoftheschoolpool.IsaidthatJake
hadabackupplan.Tenmoresecondsandwewereallgoingto
jumpintothepoolandopenthelockerandgethimoutofthere.
IwascryingwhenIsaidthat.Evenbeforehegotinthelocker,I
knewhowstupidJakewasbeing.Afterwards,hepromisedme
thathedneverdoanythinglikethatagain.
Tat was when I told him about 7oas husband, Rustan,
andabout7oashandbag.IowstupidamI:
SoIguessyoucangureoutwhathappenednext.Teproblem
is that Jake believed me about the handbag.Ve spent a lot of
timeoverat7oas,playingScrabble.7oaneverletthefaery
handbag out of her sight. She even took it with her when she
The Fae r y Handbag
0
21
wenttothebathroom.Ithinksheevensleptwithitunderher
pillow.
IdidnttellherthatIdsaidanythingtoJake.Iwouldntever
havetoldanybodyelseaboutit.NotNatasha.NotevenNatalie,
whoisthemostresponsiblepersoninalloftheworld.Now,of
course,ifthehandbagturnsupandJakestillhasntcomeback,
Ill have to tell Natalie. Somebody has to keep an eye on the
stupidthingwhileIgondJake.
Vhat worries me is that maybe one of the Baldeziwurle-
kistanians or one of the people under the hill or maybe even
Rustan popped out of the handbag to run an errand and got
worried when 7oa wasnt there. Maybe theyll come looking
for her and bring it back. Maybe they know Im supposed to
lookafteritnow.Ormaybetheytookitandhiditsomewhere.
Maybesomeoneturneditinatthelost-and-foundatthelibrary
andthatstupidlibrariancalledtheFBI.Maybescientistsatthe
Ientagon are examining the handbag right now. Testing it. If
Jakecomesout,theyllthinkhesaspyorasuperweaponoran
alienorsomething.Teyrenotgoingtojustlethimgo.
Everyone thinks Jake ran away, except for my mother, who is
convincedthathewastryingoutanotherIoudiniescapeandis
probably lying at the bottom of a lake somewhere. She hasnt
saidthattome,butIcanseeherthinkingit.Shekeepsmaking
cookiesforme.
VhathappenedisthatJakesaid,CanIseethatforjustasec-
ond:
IesaiditsocasuallythatIthinkhecaught7oaoguard.
Shewasreachingintothepurseforherwallet.Vewerestand-
ing in the lobby of the movie theater on a Monday morning.
Jakewasbehindthesnackcounter.Iedgottenajobthere.Ie
22
0
waswearingthisstupidredpaperhatandsomekindofapron
bibthing.Iewassupposedtoaskusifwewantedtosupersize
ourdrinks.
Iereachedoverthecounterandtook7oashandbagright
out of her hand. Ie closed it and then he opened it again. I
thinkheopenedittherightway.Idontthinkheendedupinthe
dark place. Ie said to me and 7oa,Ill be right back. And
thenhewasntthereanymore.Itwasjustmeand7oaandthe
handbag,lyingthereonthecounterwhereheddroppedit.
IfIdbeenfastenough,IthinkIcouldhavefollowedhim.But
7oahadbeenguardianofthefaeryhandbagforalotlonger.
She snatched the bag back and glared at me.Ies a very bad
boy, she said. She was absolutely furious. Youre better o
withouthim,Genevieve,Ithink.
Givemethehandbag,Isaid.Ihavetogogethim.
Itisntatoy,Genevieve,shesaid.Itisntagame.Tisisnt
Scrabble. Ie comes back when he comes back. If he comes
back.
Givemethehandbag,Isaid.OrIlltakeitfromyou.
Sheheldthehandbaguphighoverherhead,sothatIcouldnt
reach it. I hate people who are taller than me.Vhat are you
goingtodonow:7oasaid.Areyougoingtoknockmedown:
Areyougoingtostealthehandbag:Areyougoingtogoaway
andleavemeheretoexplaintoyourparentswhereyouvegone:
Areyougoingtosaygood-byetoyourfriends:Vhenyoucome
outagain,theywillhavegonetocollege.Teyllhavejobsand
babies and houses and they wont even recognize you. Your
motherwillbeanoldwomanandIwillbedead.
Idontcare,Isaid.Isatdownonthestickyredcarpetinthe
lobbyandstartedtocry.Someonewearingalittlemetalname
tagcameoverandaskedifwewereokay.Iisnamewasxissv.
Ormaybehewaswearingsomeoneelsestag.
The Fae r y Handbag
0
23
Verene,7oasaid.Mygranddaughterhastheu.
Shetookmyhandandpulledmeup.Sheputherarmaround
meandwewalkedoutofthetheater.Veneverevengottosee
the stupid movie.Ve never even got to see another movie to-
gether.Idonteverwanttogoseeanothermovie.Teproblem
is,Idontwanttoseeunhappyendings.AndIdontknowifI
believeinthehappyones.
Ihaveaplan,7oasaid.IwillgondJake.Youwillstay
hereandlookafterthehandbag.
Youwontcomebackeither,Isaid.Icriedevenharder.Or
if you do, Ill be like a hundred years old and Jake will still be
sixteen.
Everythingwillbeokay,7oasaid.IwishIcouldtellyou
howbeautifulshelookedrightthen.Itdidntmatterifshewas
lying or if she actually knew that everything was going to be
okay.Teimportantthingwashowshelookedwhenshesaidit.
Shesaid,withabsolutecertainty,ormaybewithalltheskillofa
veryskillfulliar,Myplanwillwork.Firstwegotothelibrary,
though.Oneofthepeopleunderthehilljustbroughtbackan
AgathaChristiemystery,andIneedtoreturnit.
Vere going to the library: I said.Vhy dont we just go
homeandplayScrabbleforawhile.YouprobablythinkIwas
just being sarcastic here, and I was being sarcastic. But 7oa
gavemeasharplook.SheknewthatifIwasbeingsarcasticthat
my brain was working again. She knew that I knew she was
stallingfortime.SheknewthatIwascomingupwithmyown
plan,whichwasalotlike7oasplan,exceptthatIwastheone
whowentintothehandbag.HowwasthepartIwasworkingon.
Ve could do that, she said.Remember, when you dont
knowwhattodo,itneverhurtstoplayScrabble.Itslikereading
theIChingortealeaves.
Canwepleasejusthurry:Isaid.
24
0
7oajustlookedatme.Genevieve,wehaveplentyoftime.
Ifyouregoingtolookafterthehandbag,youhavetoremember
that.Youhavetobepatient.Canyoubepatient:
Icantry,Itoldher.Imtrying,7oa.Imtryingreallyhard.
Butitisntfair.Jakeisohavingadventuresandtalkingtotalk-
inganimals,andwhoknows,learninghowtoyandsomebeau-
tifulthree-thousand-year-oldgirlfromunderthehillisteaching
him how to speak uent Baldeziwurleki. I bet she lives in a
housethatrunsaroundonchickenlegs,andshetellsJakethat
shed love to hear him play something on the guitar. Maybe
youllkissher,Jake,becauseshesputaspellonyou.Butwhat-
everyoudo,dontgoupintoherhouse.Dontfallasleepinher
bed.Comebacksoon,Jake,andbringthehandbagwithyou.
Ihatethosemovies,thosebooks,wheresomeguygetstogoo
and have adventures and meanwhile the girl has to stay home
and wait. Im a feminist. I subscribe to Bust magazine, and I
watchBuyreruns.Idontbelieveinthatkindofshit.
Ve hadnt been in the library for ve minutes before 7oa
picked up a biography of Carl Sagan and dropped it in her
purse. She was denitely stalling for time. She was trying to
come up with a plan that would counteract the plan that she
knewIwasplanning.IwonderedwhatshethoughtIwasplan-
ning. It was probably much better than anything Id come up
with.
Dontdothat:Isaid.
Dontworry,7oasaid.Nobodywaswatching.
Idontcareifnobodysaw:VhatifJakessittingthereinthe
boat,orwhatifhewascomingbackandyoujustdroppediton
hishead:
The Fae r y Handbag
0
25
Itdoesntworkthatway,7oasaid.Tenshesaid,Itwould
servehimright,anyway.
Tatwaswhenthelibrariancameuptous.Shehadaname
tagonaswell.Iwassosickofpeopleandtheirstupidnametags.
Imnotevengoingtotellyouwhathernamewas.Isawthat,
thelibrariansaid.
Sawwhat:7oasaid.Shesmileddownatthelibrarian,like
shewasQueenoftheLibrary,andthelibrarianwasapetitioner.
Te librarian stared hard at her.I know you, she said, al-
mostsoundingawed,likeshewasaweekendbird-watcherwho
hadjustseenBigfoot.Vehaveyourpictureontheocewall.
YoureMs.Swink.Youarentallowedtocheckoutbookshere.
Tatsridiculous,7oasaid.Shewasatleasttwofeettaller
than the librarian. I felt a bit sorry for the librarian. After all,
7oahadjuststolenaseven-daybook.Sheprobablywouldnt
return it for a hundred years. My mother has always made it
clearthatitsmyjobtoprotectotherpeoplefrom7oa.Iguess
I was 7oas guardian before I became the guardian of the
handbag.
Te librarian reached up and grabbed 7oas handbag. She
wassmallbutshewasstrong.Shejerkedthehandbagand7oa
stumbledandfellbackagainstaworkdesk.Icouldntbelieveit.
Everyone except for me was getting a look at 7oas handbag.
VhatkindofguardianwasIgoingtobe:
Genevieve,7oasaid.Sheheldmyhandverytightly,andI
lookedather.Shelookedwobblyandpale.Shesaid,Ifeelvery
badaboutallofthis.TellyourmotherIsaidso.
Ten she said one last thing, but I think it was in Baldezi-
wurleki.
Telibrariansaid,Isawyouputabookinhere.Righthere.
Sheopenedthehandbagandpeeredinside.Outofthehandbag
26
0
camealong,lonely,ferocious,utterlyhopelessscreamofrage.I
donteverwanttohearthatnoiseagain.Everyoneinthelibrary
lookedup.Telibrarianmadeachokingnoiseandthrew7oas
handbagawayfromher.Alittletrickleofbloodcameoutofher
nose and a drop fell on the oor. Vhat I thought at rst was
thatitwasjustplainluckthatthehandbagwasclosedwhenit
landed.LateronIwastryingtogureoutwhat7oasaid.My
Baldeziwurlekiisntverygood,butIthinkshewassayingsome-
thing likeFigures. Stupid librarian. I have to go take care of
thatdamndog.Somaybethatswhathappened.Maybe7oa
sent part of herself in there with the skinless dog. Maybe she
fought it and won and closed the handbag. Maybe she made
friendswithit.Imean,sheusedtofeeditpopcornatthemovies.
Maybeshesstillinthere.
Vhat happened in the library was 7oa sighed a little and
closedhereyes.Ihelpedhersitdowninachair,butIdontthink
shewasreallythereanymore.Irodewithherintheambulance,
whentheambulancenallyshowedup,andIswearIdidnteven
think about the handbag until my mother showed up. I didnt
sayaword.Ijustleftherthereinthehospitalwith7oa,who
wasonarespirator,andIranallthewaybacktothelibrary.But
itwasclosed.SoIranallthewaybackagain,tothehospital,but
youalreadyknowwhathappened,right:7oadied.Ihatewrit-
ing that. My tall, funny, beautiful, book-stealing, Scrabble-
playing,storytellinggrandmotherdied.
Butyounevermether.Youreprobablywonderingaboutthe
handbag.Vhathappenedtoit.Iputupsignsallovertown,like
7oas handbag was some kind of lost dog, but nobody ever
called.
Sothatsthestorysofar.NotthatIexpectyoutobelieveanyof
it. Last night Natalie and Natasha came over and we played
The Fae r y Handbag
0
27
Scrabble. Tey dont really like Scrabble, but they feel like its
theirjobtocheermeup.Iwon.Aftertheywenthome,Iipped
allthetilesupside-downandthenIstartedpickingthemupin
groupsofseven.Itriedtoaskaquestion,butitwashardtopick
just one. Te words I got werent so great either, so I decided
that they werent English words. Tey were Baldeziwurleki
words.
OnceIdecidedthat,everythingbecameperfectlyclear.First
Iputdownkirifwhichmeanshappynews,andthenIgotab,
ano,anl,ane,anotheri,ans,andaz.SothenIcouldmakekirif
intobolekirisz,whichcouldmeanthehappyresultofacombi-
nationofdiligenteortandpatience.
I would nd the faery handbag. Te tiles said so. I would
worktheclaspandgointothehandbagandhavemyownad-
ventures and would rescue Jake. Iardly any time would have
gone by before we came back out of the handbag. Maybe Id
evenmakefriendswiththatpoordogandgettosaygood-bye,
for real, to 7oa. Rustan would show up again and be really
sorrythathedmissed7oasfuneralandthistimehewouldbe
braveenoughtotellmymotherthewholestory.Iewouldtell
herthathewasherfather.Notthatshewouldbelievehim.Not
that you should believe this story. Iromise me that you wont
believeaword.

Hot enough for you? the man said.
The Hor tlak
Eic w.s xicnr, .x B.ru was day. Te girl, Charley,
wasthemoon.Everynight,shedrovepasttheAll-Nightinher
long,noisy,greenChevy,adoghangingoutthepassengerwin-
dow.Itwasnteverthesamedog,althoughtheyallhadthesame
blissfulexpression.Teyweredoomed,buttheydidntknowit.
Bz buradan ok holandk.
Velikeithereverymuch.
TeAll-Night Convenience was a fully stocked, self-sucient
organism, like the Starship Enterprise, or the Kon-Tiki. Batu
went on and on about this. Tey didnt work retail anymore.
Teywereonavoyageofdiscovery,oneinwhichtheyhadno
needtoleavetheAll-Night,noteventodolaundry.Batuwashed
hispajamasandtheextrauniformsinthesinkintheback.Ie
even washed Erics clothes. Tat was the kind of friend Batu
was.
Burada tatil iin mi bulunuyorsunuz?
Areyouhereonholiday:
32
0
All during his shift, Eric listened for Charleys car. First she
wentbyonherwaytotheshelterandthen,duringhershift,she
took the dogs out driving, past the store rst in one direction
andthenbackagain,twoorthreetimesinonenight,thelights
ofherheadlightspickingoutthelong,blackgapoftheAusible
Chasm,abrightslapacrossthewindowsoftheAll-Night.Erics
heartliftedwheneveracarwentpast.
Tezombiescamein,andhewaspolitetothem,andfailedto
understandwhattheywanted,andsometimesrealpeoplecame
in and bought candy or cigarettes or beer. Te zombies were
never around when the real people were around, and Charley
nevershowedupwhenthezombieswerethere.
CharleylookedlikesomeonefromaGreekplay,Electra,or
Cassandra. She looked like someone had just set her favorite
city on re. Eric had thought that, even before he knew about
thedogs.
Sometimes,whenshedidnthaveadogintheChevy,Charley
cameintotheAll-NightConveniencetobuyaMountainDew,
andthensheandBatuwouldgooutsidetositonthecurb.Batu
wasteachingherTurkish.SometimesEricwentoutsideaswell,
tosmokeacigarette.Iedidntreallysmoke,butitmeanthegot
tolookatCharley,thewaythemoonlightsatonherlikeahand.
Sometimes she looked back. Vind would rise up, out of the
AusibleChasm,acrossAusibleChasmRoad,intotheparking
lotoftheAll-Night,tuggingatBatuspajamabottoms,pulling
awaythecigarettesmokethathungoutofEricsmouth.Char-
leys bangs would oat up o her forehead, until she clamped
themdownwithherngers.
Batusaidhewasnotirting.IedidnthaveathingforChar-
ley.IewasinterestedinherbecauseEricwasinterested.Batu
wantedtoknowwhatCharleysstorywas:hesaidheneededto
The Hor t l ak
0
33
knowifshewasgoodenoughforEric,fortheAll-NightConve-
nience.Terewasalotatstake.
Vhat Eric wanted to know was, why did Batu have so many
pajamas:ButEricdidntwanttoseemnosy.Terewasntalotof
spaceintheAll-Night.IfBatuwantedErictoknowaboutthe
pajamas,thenonedayhedtellhim.Itwasassimpleasthat.
Erkek arkadanz varm?
Doyouhaveaboyfriend:
RecentlyBatuhadevolvedpasttheneedformorethantwoor
threehourssleep,whichwasgoodinsomewaysandbadinoth-
ers. Eric had a suspicion he might gure out how to talk to
Charley if Batu were tucked away, back in the storage closet,
dreaming his own sweet dreams, and not scheming schemes,
doingalltheirtingonEricsbehalf,sothatEricneverhadto
sayathing.
Erichadevenrehearsedthestartofaconversation.Charley
wouldsay,VheresBatu:andEricwouldsay,Asleep.Oreven,
Sleepinginthecloset.
Charleys story: she worked night shifts at the animal shelter.
Everynight,whenCharleygottowork,shecheckedthelistto
seewhichdogswereontheschedule.Shetookthedogsany
thatwerenttooill,ortoomeanoutforonelastdrivearound
town.Tenshedrovethembackandsheputthemtosleep.She
didthiswithaninjection.Shesatontheoorandpettedthem
untiltheywerentbreathinganymore.
VhenshewastellingBatuthis,Batusittingfartoocloseto
her, Eric not close enough, Eric had this thought, which was
34
0
whatitwouldbeliketoliedownandputhisheadonCharleys
leg. But the longest conversation that hed ever managed with
Charley was with Charley on one side of the counter, him on
theother,whenhedexplainedthattheywerenttakingmoney
anymore,atleastnotunlesspeoplewantedtogivethemmoney.
I want a Mountain Dew, Charley had said, making sure
Ericunderstoodthatpart.
Iknow,Ericsaid.Ietriedtoshowwithhiseyeshowmuch
heknew,andhowmuchhedidntknow,butwantedtoknow.
Butyoudontwantmetopayyouforit.
Im supposed to give you what you want, Eric said,and
thenyougivemewhatyouwanttogiveme.Itdoesnthavetobe
about money. It doesnt even have to be something, you know,
tangible.SometimespeopletellBatutheirdreamsiftheydont
haveanythinginterestingintheirwallets.
AllIwantisaMountainDew,Charleysaid.Butshemust
have seen the panic on Erics face, and she dug in her pocket.
Insteadofchange,shepulledoutasetofdogtagsandplunked
itdownonthecounter.
Tisdogisnolongeralive,shesaid.Itwasntaverybigdog,
andIthinkitwaspartChihuahuaandpartcollie,andhowpiti-
fulisthat.Youshouldhaveseenit.Itsownerbroughtitinbe-
causeitwouldjumpuponherbedinthemorning,lickherface,
and get so excited that it would pee. I dont know, maybe she
thought someone else would want to adopt an ugly little bed-
wettingdog,butnobodydid,andsonowitsnotaliveanymore.
Ikilledit.
Imsorry,Ericsaid.Charleyleanedherelbowsagainstthe
counter. She was so close, he could smell her smell: chemical,
burnt,doggy.Tereweredoghairsonherclothes.
I killed it, Charley said. She sounded angry at him.Not
you.
The Hor t l ak
0
35
Vhen Eric looked at her, he saw that that city was still on
re. It was still burning down, and Charley was watching it
burn.Shewasstillholdingthedogtags.Sheletgoandtheylay
thereonthecounteruntilEricpickedthemupandputthemin
theregister.
TisisallBatusidea,Charleysaid.Right:Shewentout-
side and sat on the curb, and in a while Batu came out of the
storageclosetandwentoutsideaswell.Batuspajamabottoms
were silk. Tere were smiling hydrocephalic cartoon cats on
them,andthecatscarriedchildrenintheirmouths.Eitherthe
children were mouse-sized, or the cats were bear-sized. Te
children were either screaming or laughing. Batus pajama top
wasredannel,faded,withguillotines,andheadsinbaskets.
Eric stayed inside. Ie leaned his face against the window
everyonceinawhile,asifhecouldhearwhattheyweresaying.
But even if he could have heard them, he guessed he wouldnt
have understood. Te shapes their mouths made were shaped
likeTurkishwords.Erichopedtheyweretalkingaboutretail.
Kar yaacak.
Itsgoingtosnow.
TewaytheAll-NightworkedatthemomentwasBatusidea.
Teysizedupthecustomersbeforetheygottothecounter
thathadalwaysbeenpartofretail.Ifthecustomerwastheright
sort, then Batu or Eric gave the customer what they said they
needed, and the customer paid with money sometimes, and
sometimes with other things: pot, books on tape, souvenir
maplesyruptins.Teywereneartheborder.Teygotalotof
Canadians. Eric suspected someone, maybe a traveling Cana-
dian pajama salesman, was supplying Batu with novelty paja-
mas.
36
0
Siz de mi bekliyorsunuz?
Areyouwaitingtoo:
VhatBatuthoughtEricshouldsaytoCharley,ifhereallyliked
her:Comelivewithme.ComeliveattheAll-Night.
VhatEricthoughtaboutsayingtoCharley:Ifyouregoing
away,takemewithyou.Imabouttobetwentyyearsold,and
Iveneverbeentocollege.Isleepdaysinastoragecloset,wearing
someoneelsespajamas.IveworkedretailjobssinceIwassix-
teen.Iknowpeoplearehateful.Ifyouneedtobitesomeone,you
canbiteme.
Baka bir yere gidelim mi?
Shallwegosomewhereelse:
Charley drives by. Tere is a little black dog in the passenger
window, leaning out to swallow the fast air. Tere is a yellow
dog. An Irish setter. A Doberman. Akitas. Charley has rolled
thewindowsofardownthatthesedogscouldjumpout,ifthey
wanted, when she stops the car at a light. But the dogs dont
jump.SoCharleydrivesthembackagain.
Batu said it was clear Charley had a great capacity for hating,
andalsoagreatcapacityforlove.Charleyshatredwasseasonal:
in the months after Christmas, Christmas puppies started
growingup.Ieoplegottiredoftryingtohouse-trainthem.All
February,allMarch,Charleyhatedpeople.Shehatedpeoplein
Decembertoo,justforpractice.
Beinginlove,Batusaid,likeworkingretail,meantthatyou
hadtosettleforbeinghated,atleastpartoftheyear.Tatwas
what the months after Christmas were all about. Neither
The Hor t l ak
0
37
systemnotlove,notretailwasperfect.Vhenyoulookedat
dogs,yousawthis,thatlovedidntwork.
BatusaiditwaslikelythatCharley,bothherpersonandher
Chevy,wereinfestedwithdogghosts.Teseghostsweredier-
ent from the zombies. Nonhuman ghosts, he said, were the
mostdicultofallghoststodislodge,anddogswereworstof
all.Tereisnothingaspersistent,asloyal,asclingyasadog.
Socanyouseetheseghosts:Ericsaid.
Dont be ridiculous, Batu said.You cant see that kind of
ghost.Yousmellthem.
Civarda turistik yerler var m, acaba?
Arethereanytouristattractionsaroundhere,Iwonder:
Ericwokeupandfounditwasdark.Itwasalwaysdarkwhenhe
wokeup,andthiswasalwaysasurprise.Terewasalittlewin-
dow on the back wall of the storage closet, which framed the
darklikeapicture.Youcouldfeelthecoldnightairproppingup
thewallsoftheAll-Night,thickandwetasglue.
Batuhadlethimsleepin.Batuwasconsiderateofotherpeo-
plessleep.
All day long, in Erics dreams, store managers had arrived,
one after another, announced themselves, expressed dismay at
the way Batu had reinventedcompromisedconvenience re-
tail.InEricsdream,Batuhadputhislarge,handsomearmover
theshoulderofthestoremanagers,promisedtoexplainevery-
thinginasatisfactorymanner,iftheywouldonlycomeandsee.
Testoremanagershadallgone,inadocile,trustingway,trot-
tingafterBatu,acrosstheroad,lookingbothways,totheedge
oftheAusibleChasm.Teystoodthere,inEricsdream,peer-
ingdownintotheChasm,andthenBatuhadgiventhemalittle
38
0
push,asmallpush,andthatwastheendofthatstoremanager,
andBatuwalkedbackacrosstheroadtowaitforthenextstore
manager.
Ericbathedstandingupatthesinkandputonhisuniform.
Iebrushedhisteeth.Teclosetsmelledlikesleep.
ItwasthemiddleofFebruary,andtherewassnowintheAll-
Night parking lot. Batu was clearing the parking lot, carrying
shovelfulsofsnowacrosstheroad,dumpingthesnowintothe
AusibleChasm.Ericwentoutsideforasmokeandwatched.Ie
didntoertohelp.IewasstillupsetaboutthewayBatuhad
behavedinhisdream.
Terewasnomoon,butthesnowwaslitbyitsownwhite-
ness. Tere was the shadowy gure of Batu, carrying in front
of him the shadowy scoop of the shovel, full of snow, like an
enormous spoon full of falling light, which was still falling all
aroundthem.Tesnowcamedown,andEricssmokewentup
andup.
Ie walked across the road to where Batu stood, peering
downintotheAusibleChasm.DownintheChasm,itwasno
darker than the kind of dark the rest of the world, including
Eric,especiallyEric,wasusedto.SnowfellintotheChasm,the
waysnowfellontherestoftheworld.Andyettherewasawind
comingoutoftheChasmthatworriedEric.
Vhatdoyouthinkisdownthere:Batusaid.
7ombie Land, Eric said. Ie could almost taste it.7om-
burbia. Tey have everything down there. Teres even sup-
posed to be a drive-in movie theater down there, somewhere,
that shows old black-and-white horror movies, all night long.
7ombiechurcheswithAAmeetingsforzombies,downinthe
basements,everyTursdaynight.
Yeah:Batusaid.7ombiebarstoo:Vheretheyservezom-
bies7ombies:
The Hor t l ak
0
39
Ericsaid,MyfriendDavewentdownonce,whenwewerein
highschool,onadare.Ieusedtotellusallkindsofstories.
You ever go: Batu said, pointing with his empty shovel at
thenarrow,crumblypaththatwentdownintotheChasm.
Ineverwenttocollege.IveneverevenbeentoCanada,Eric
said.NotevenwhenIwasinhighschool,tobuybeer.
AllnightthezombiescameoutoftheChasm,holdinghandfuls
of snow. Tey carried the snow across the road, and into the
parkinglot,andleftitthere.Batuwasbackinthecloset,sending
o faxes, and Eric was glad about this, that Batu couldnt see
whatthezombieswereupto.
7ombies came into the store, tracking in salt and melting
snow.Erichatedmoppingupafterthezombies.
Iesatonthecounter,facingtheroad,hopingCharleywould
drivebysoon.Twoweeksago,Charleyhadbittenamanwhod
broughthisdogtotheanimalsheltertobeputdown.
Te man was bringing his dog because it had bit him, he
said, but Charley said you knew when you saw this guy,
and when you saw the dog, that the dog had had a very good
reason.
Tismanhadatattooofamermaidcoiledaroundhismeaty
forearm,andeventhismermaidhadanunpleasantlooktoher:
scaly,corsetedbottom;tinyblackdoteyes;asour,fangysmile.
Charley said it was as if even the mermaid were telling her to
bitethearm,andsoshedid.Vhenshedid,thedogwentnuts.
Teguydroppeditsleash.IewastryingtogetCharleyohis
arm.Tedog,misunderstandingthesituation,orrather,under-
standingthesituation,butnotthelargersituation,hadgrabbed
Charleybyherleg,stickingitsteethintohercalf.
BothCharleyandthedogsownerhadneededstitches.Butit
wasthedogwhowasdoomed.Nothinghadchangedthat.
40
0
Charleys boss at the shelter was going to re her, anytime
sooninfact,hehadredher.Buttheyhadntfoundsomeone
to take her shift yet, and so she was working there, for a few
moredays,underadierentname.Everyoneattheshelterun-
derstoodwhyshedhadtobitetheman.
CharleysaidshewasgoingtodriveallthewayacrossCan-
ada.Maybekeepongoing,upintoAlaska.Gowatchbearspick
throughgarbage.
Vhenabearhibernates,shetoldBatuandEric,itsleepsall
winterandnevergoestothebathroom.Sowhenshewakesup
inspring,shesreallyconstipated.Terstthingshedoesistake
thisreallypainfulshit.Andthenshegoesandjumpsinariver.
Shesreallypissedonow,abouteverything.Vhenshecomes
outoftheriver,shescoveredinice.Itslikearmor.Shegoesona
rampageandsheswearingarmor.Isntthatgreat:Tatbearcan
takeabiteoutofanythingitwants.
Uykum geldi.
Mysleephascome.
Tesnowkeptfalling.Sometimesitstopped.Charleycameby.
Erichadbaddreams.Batudidnotgotobed.Vhenthezombies
camein,hefollowedthemaroundthestore,takingnotes.Te
zombiesdidntcareatall.Teyweredonewithallthat.
Batu was wearing Erics favorite pajamas. Tese were blue,
and had towering Iokusai-style white-blue waves, and up on
the waves, there were boats with owls looking owlish. If you
lookedclosely,youcouldseethattheowlsweregrippingnews-
papersintheirwings,andifyoulookedevencloser,youcould
readthedateandtheheadline:
The Hor t l ak
0
41
TSUNAMI TSWEEPS PUSSY
OVERBOARD, ALL IS LOTS.
Batuhadspentalotoftimereorganizingthecandyaisleac-
cording to chewiness and meltiness. Te week before, he had
arranged it so that if you took the rst letter of every candy,
readingacrossfromlefttoright,andthendown,ithadspelled
outtherstsentenceofTo Kill a Mockingbird,andthenalsoa
lineofTurkishpoetry.Somethingaboutthemoon.
Te zombies came and went, and Batu put his notebook
away.Iesaid,ImgoingtogoaheadandputjerkywithSugar
Daddies.Itsalmostacandy.Itsverychewy.Aboutaschewyas
youcanget.ChewyMeatGum.
FrothyMeatDrink,Ericsaidautomatically.Teywereal-
waysthinkingofproductsthatnoonewouldeverwanttobuy,
andthatnoonewouldevertrytosell.
Squeezable Iork. Its on your mind, its in your mouth, its
pork.Rememberthatadcampaign:Shecancomelivewithus,
Batusaid.Itwasthesameoldspeech,onlyalittlemoreurgent
each time he gave it.Te All-Night needs women, especially
womenlikeCharley.Shefallsinlovewithyou,Idontmindone
bit.
Vhataboutyou:Ericsaid.
Vhataboutme:Batusaid.CharleyandIhavetheTurkish
language.Tatsenough.TellmesomethingIneed.Idonteven
needsleep:
Vhatareyoutalkingabout:Ericsaid.IehatedwhenBatu
talkedaboutCharley,exceptthathelovedhearinghername.
Batu said,Te All-Night is a great place to raise a family.
Everything you need, right here. Diapers, Vienna sausages,
grape-scented Magic Markers, Moon Iieskids like Moon
42
0
Iiesand then one day, when theyre tall enough, we teach
themhowtooperatetheregister.
Terearelawsagainstthat,Ericsaid.Marsneedswomen.
Not theAll-Night.And were running out of Moon Iies. Ie
turnedhisbackonBatu.
Some of Batus pajamas worry Eric. Ie wont wear these, al-
thoughBatuhastoldhimthathemaywearanypajamashelikes.
Forexample,oceanlinersnavigatingicebergsonapairofpa-
jama bottoms.A man with an enormous pair of scissors, run-
ningafterwomenwhoselonghairwhipsoutbehindthemlike
redandyellowags,theyaremovingsofast.Spiderwebswith
housesstucktothem.
Afewnightsago,abouttwoorthreeinthemorning,awoman
came into the store. Batu was over by the magazines, and the
womanwentandstoodnexttoBatu.
Batus eyes were closed, although that doesnt necessarily
mean he was asleep. Te woman stood and icked through
magazines, and then at some point she realized that the man
standing there with his eyes closed was wearing pajamas. She
stopped reading through People magazine and started reading
Batuspajamasinstead.Tenshegasped,andpokedBatuwith
askinnynger.
Vheredidyougetthose:shesaid.Iowonearthdidyou
getthose:
Batuopenedhiseyes.Excuseme,hesaid.MayIhelpyou
ndsomething:
Youre wearing my diary, the woman said. Ier voice went
up and up in a wail.Tats my handwriting: Tats the diary
thatIkeptwhenIwasfourteen:Butithadalockonit,andIhid
it under my mattress, and I never let anyone read it. Nobody
everreadit:
The Hor t l ak
0
43
Batuheldouthisarm.Tatsnottrue,hesaid.Ivereadit.
You have very nice handwriting. Very distinctive. My favorite
partiswhen
Tewomanscreamed.Sheputherhandsoverherearsand
walked backwards, down the aisle, and still screaming, turned
aroundandranoutofthestore.
Vhatwasthatabout:Ericsaid.Vhatwasupwithher:
Idontknow,Batusaid.Tethingis,Ithoughtshelooked
familiar:AndIwasright.Iah:Vhataretheodds,youthink,
thewomanwhokeptthatdiarycominginthestorelikethat:
Maybeyoushouldntwearthoseanymore,Ericsaid.Justin
caseshecomesback.
Gelebilirmiyim?
CanIcome:
BatuhadoriginallyworkedTuesdaythroughSaturday,second
shift. Now he was all day, every day. Eric worked all night, all
nights.Teydidntneedanyoneelse,exceptmaybeCharley.
Vhathadhappenedwasthis.Oneofthemanagershadleft,
supposedlytohaveababy,althoughshehadnotlookedinthe
leastbitpregnant,Batusaid,andbesides,itwasclearlynotBa-
tuskid,becauseofthevasectomy.Ten,shortlyaftertheinci-
dent with the man in the trench coat, the other manager had
quit,claimingtobesickofthatkindofshit.Noonewassentto
replacehim,soBatuhadsteppedin.
Tedoorrangandacustomercameintothestore.Canadian.
Not a zombie. Eric turned around in time to see Batu duck
down,slippingaroundthecornerofthecandyaisleandheading
towardsthestoragecloset.
Te customer bought a Mountain Dew, Eric too disheart-
enedtoexplainthatcashwasnolongernecessary.Iecouldfeel
44
0
Batu,fretting,inthestoragecloset,listeningtothisold-stylere-
tail transaction.Vhen the customer was gone, Batu came out
again.
Do you ever wonder, Eric said,if the company will ever
send another manager: Ie saw again the dream-Batu, the
dream-managers,thecartoonish,unbridgeablegapeoftheAus-
ibleChasm.
Teywont,Batusaid.
Teymight,Ericsaid.
Teywont,Batusaid.
Iowdoyouknowforsure:Ericsaid.Vhatiftheydo:
Itwasabadideaintherstplace,Batusaid.Iegestured
towards the parking lot and theAusible Chasm.Not enough
steadybusiness.
Sowhydowestayhere:Ericsaid.Iowdowechangethe
face of retail if nobody ever comes in here except joggers and
truckersandzombiesandCanadians:Imean,Itriedtoexplain
about how new-style retail worked, the other nightto this
womanand she told me to fuck o. She acted like I was in-
sane.
Tecustomerisntalwaysright.Sometimesthecustomeris
anasshole.Tatstherstruleofretail,Batusaid.Butitsnot
likeanywhereelseisbetter.IusedtoworkfortheCIA.Believe
me,thisisbetter.
VereyoureallyintheCIA:Ericsaid.
Veusedtogotothisbar,sometimes,meandthepeopleI
workedwith,Batusaid.Onlywehavetopretendthatwedont
knoweachother.Nofraternizing.Soweallsitthere,alongthe
bar,anddontsayawordtoeachother.Alltheseguys,allofus,
we could speak maybe ve hundred languages, dialects, what-
ever,betweenus.Butwedonttalkinthisbar.Justsitanddrink
The Hor t l ak
0
45
andsitanddrink.Usedtodrivethebartendercrazy.Veusedto
leavenicetips.Didntmattertohim.
So did you ever kill people: Eric said. Ie never knew
whetherornotBatuwasjokingabouttheCIAthing.
DoIlooklikeakiller:Batusaid,standingthereinhispaja-
mas,rumpledandred-eyed.VhenEricburstoutlaughing,he
smiledandyawnedandscratchedhishead.
VhenotheremployeeshadquittheAll-Night,forvariousrea-
sonsoftheirown,Batuhadnotreplacedthem.
Aroundthissametime,Batusgirlfriendhadkickedhimout,
andwithEricspermission,hehadmovedintothestoragecloset.
TathadbeenjustbeforeChristmas,anditwasafewdaysafter
ChristmaswhenEricsmotherlostherjobasasecurityguardat
themallanddecidedshewasgoingtogondEricsfather.Shed
gonehuntingonline,andmadealistofnamesshethoughthe
mightbegoingunder.Shehadaddressesaswell.
Eric wasnt sure what she was going to do if she found his
father, and he didnt think she knew either. She said she just
wantedtotalk,butEricknewshekeptagunintheglovecom-
partmentofhercar.Beforesheleft,Erichadcopieddownher
listofnamesandaddresses,andsentoutChristmascardstoall
ofthem.Itwasthersttimehedeverhadareasontosendout
Christmas cards, and it had been dicult, nding the right
thingstosayinthem,especiallysincetheyprobablywerenthis
father, no matter what his mother thought. Not all of them,
anyway.
Beforesheleft,Ericsmotherhadputmostofthefurniturein
storage. Shed sold everything else, including Erics guitar and
hisbooks,atayardsaleoneSaturdaymorningwhileEricwas
workinganextrashiftattheAll-Night.
46
0
TerentwasstillpaidthroughtheendofJanuary,butafter
hismotherleft,Erichadworkedlongerandlongerhoursatthe
store,andthen,onemorning,hedidntbothergoinghome.Te
All-Night, and Batu, they needed him. Batu said this attitude
showedEricwasdestinedforgreatthingsattheAll-Night.
Every night Batu sent o faxes to the World Weekly News,
andtotheNational Enquirer,andtoTe New York Times.Tese
faxesconcernedtheAusibleChasmandthezombies.Someday
someonewouldsendreporters.Itwasallpartoftheplan,which
wasgoingtochangethewayretailworked.Itwasgoingtobea
wholedierentworld,andEricandBatuweregoingtoberight
there at the beginning. Tey were going to be famous heroes.
Revolutionaries. Ieroes of the revolution. Batu said that Eric
didnt need to understand that part of the plan yet. It was es-
sentialtotheplanthatEricdidntaskquestions.
Ne zaman geri geleceksiniz?
Vhenwillyoucomeback:
Te zombies were like Canadians, in that they looked enough
likerealpeopleatrst,tofoolyou.Butwhenyoulookedcloser,
you saw they were from some other place, where things were
dierent:whereeventhesamethings,thethingsthatwenton
everywhere,werejustalittlebitdierent.
Tezombiesdidnttalkatall,ortheysaidthingsthatdidnt
makesense.Voodenhat,onezombiesaidtoEric.Glassleg.
Drovearoundalldayinmywife.Didyoueverhearmeonthe
radio: Tey tried to pay Eric for things that the All-Night
didntsell.
Realpeople,theoneswhowerentheadingtowardsCanada
orawayfromCanada,mostlyhadbetterthingstodothandrive
outtotheAll-Nightat3 ..x.Sorealpeople,inaway,wereeven
The Hor t l ak
0
47
weirder, when they came in. Eric kept a close eye on the real
people.Onceaguyhadpulledagunonhimtherewasnoway
to understand that, but, on the other hand, you knew exactly
whatwasgoingon.Viththezombies,whoknew:
Not even Batu knew what the zombies were up to. Some-
timeshesaidthattheywerejustanotherthingyouhadtodeal
withinretail.Teywerethekindofcustomerthatyoucouldnt
ever satisfy, the kind of customer who wanted something you
couldntgivethem,whohadnoothercurrency,exceptcurrency
that was sinister, unwholesome, confusing, and probably dan-
gerous.
Meanwhile, the things that the zombies tried to purchase
were plainly things that they had brought with them into the
storethingsthathadfallen,orbeenthrownintotheAusible
Chasm, like pieces of safety glass. Rocks from the bottom of
AusibleChasm.Beetles.Tezombieslikedshinythings,broken
things,trashlikeemptysodabottles,handfulsofleaves,sticky
dirt,dirtysticks.
EricthoughtmaybeBatuhaditwrong.Maybeitwasntsup-
posed to be a transaction. Maybe the zombies just wanted to
give Eric something. But what was he going to do with their
leaves: Vhy him: Vhat was he supposed to give them in re-
turn:
Eventually, when it was clear Eric didnt understand, the
zombiesdriftedo,awayfromthecounterandaroundtheaisles
again, or out the doors, making their way like raccoons, scut-
tlingbackacrosstheroad,stillclutchingtheirleaves.Batuwould
putawayhisnotebook,gointothestoragecloset,andsendo
hisfaxes.
TezombiecustomersmadeEricfeelguilty.Iehadntbeen
tryinghardenough.Tezombieswereneverrude,orimpatient,
ortriedtoshopliftthings.Iehopedthattheyfoundwhatthey
48
0
werelookingfor.Afterall,hewouldbedeadsomedaytoo,and
ontheothersideofthecounter.
MaybehisfriendDavehadbeentellingthetruthandthere
wasacountrydowntherethatyoucouldvisit,justlikeCanada.
Maybewhenthezombiesgotallthewaytothebottom,theygot
into zippy zombie cars and drove o to their zombie jobs, or
back home again, to their sexy zombie wives, or maybe they
went o to the zombie bank to make their deposits of stones,
leaves, linty, birdsnesty tangles, all the other debris real people
didntknowthevalueof.
Itwasntjustthezombies.Veirdstuhappenedinthemiddle
ofthedaytoo.Vhentherewerestillmanagersandotherem-
ployers,once,onBatusshift,aguyhadcomeinwearingatrench
coatandahat.Outside,itmusthavebeenninetydegrees,and
Batuadmittedhehadfeltalittlespookedaboutthetrenchcoat
thing, but there was another customer, a jogger, poking at the
bottled waters to see which were coldest. Trench-coat guy
walkedaroundthestore,puttingcandybarsandsafetyrazorsin
hispockets,likehewasgettingreadyforIalloween.Batuhad
thought about punching the alarm.Sir: he said.Excuse me,
sir:
Temanwalkedupandstoodinfrontofthecounter.Batu
couldnttakehiseyesothetrenchcoat.Itwasliketheguywas
wearinganelectricfanstrappedtohischest,underthetrench
coat, and the fan was blowing things around underneath.You
could hear the fan buzzing. It made sense, Batu had thought:
thisguyhadhisownair-conditioningunitunderthere.Iretty
neat,althoughyoustillwouldntwanttogotrick-or-treatingat
thisguyshouse.
Iotenoughforyou:themansaid,andBatusawthatthis
The Hor t l ak
0
49
guywassweating.Ietwitched,andabeeewoutofthegray
trench-coatsleeve.Batuandthemanbothwatchedityaway.
Tenthemanopenedhistrenchcoat,appedhisarms,gently,
gently,andthebeesinsidehistrenchcoatbegantoleavetheman
inlong,clotted,furioustrails,untilthewholestorewasvibrat-
ingwithcloudsofbees.Batuduckedunderthecounter.Trench-
coatman,beeguy,reachedoverthecounter,dingedtheregister
inacalmandexperiencedwaysothatthedrawerpoppedopen,
andscoopedallthebillsoutofthetill.
Tenhewalkedbackoutagainandleftallhisbees.Iegotin
hiscaranddroveaway.TatsthewaythatallAll-Nightstories
end,withsomeonedrivingaway.
Buttheyhadtogetabeekeepertocomein,tosmokethebees
out. Batu got stung three times, once on the lip, once on his
stomach,andoncewhenheputhishandintotheregisterand
foundnomoney,onlyabee.TejoggersuedtheAll-Nightpar-
entcompanyforalotofmoney,andBatuandEricdidntknow
whathadhappenedwiththat.
Karanlk ne zaman basar?
Vhendoesitgetdark:
Erichasbeenhavingthisdreamrecently.Inthedream,hesup
behindthecounterintheAll-Night,andthenhisfatheriswalk-
ingdowntheaisleoftheAll-Night,pasttheracksofmagazines
andtowardsthecounter,hisfathershandsfullofstonesfrom
theAusibleChasm.Vhichisridiculous:hisfatherisalive,and
not only that, but living in another state, maybe in a dierent
timezone,probablyunderadierentname.
VhenhetoldBatuaboutit,Batusaid,Oh,thatdream.Ive
hadittoo.
50
0
Aboutyourfather:Ericsaid.
Aboutyourfather,Batusaid.VhodoyouthinkImeant,
myfather:
Youhaventevermetmyfather,Ericsaid.
Imsorryifitupsetsyou,butitwasdenitelyyourfather,
Batusaid.Youlookjustlikehim.IfIdreamabouthimagain,
whatdoyouwantmetodo:Ignorehim:Iretendheisntthere:
EricneverknewwhenBatuwaspullinghisleg.Dreamscould
be a touchy subject. Eric thought maybe Batu was nostalgic
about sleeping, maybe Batu collected pajamas in the way that
peoplenostalgicabouttheirchildhoodscollectedtoys.
Another dream, one that Eric hasnt told Batu about. In this
dream, Charley comes in. She wants to buy a Mountain Dew,
but then Eric realizes that all the Mountain Dews have little
drowneddogsoatinginthem.Youcanwinaprizeifyoudrink
oneofthedogsodas.VhenCharleygetsuptothecounterwith
anarmfulofdoggyMountainDews,Ericrealizesthathesgot
oneofBatuspajamatopson,oneoftheinside-outones.Tings
arerubbingagainsthisarms,hisback,hisstomach,transferring
themselvesliketattoostohisskin.
Andhehasntgotanypantson.
Batk gemilerle ilgileniyorum.
Iminterestedinsunkenships.
You need to make your move, Batu said. Ie said it over and
over, day after day, until Eric was sick of hearing it.Any day
now, the shelter is going to nd someone to replace her, and
Charleywillsplit.Tellyouwhatyoushoulddo,youtellheryou
wanttoadoptadog.Giveitahome.Vevegotroomhere.Dogs
aregoodpracticeforwhenyouandCharleyareparents.

Magic For Beginners by Kelly Link, 50 Page Fridays

Transféré par

Informations du document

Titre original

Copyright

Formats disponibles

Partager ce document

Partager ou intégrer le document

Options de partage

Avez-vous trouvé ce document utile ?

Ce contenu est-il inapproprié ?

Droits d'auteur :

Formats disponibles

Magic For Beginners by Kelly Link, 50 Page Fridays

Transféré par

Droits d'auteur :

Formats disponibles

IRAISE FOR

Magic for Beginners

Vous aimerez peut-être aussi