Self-esteem

we all use the expression 'self-esteem', but

what do we mean by it?
Some people think that self-esteem means
confdence - and of course confdence comes
into it - but it's rather more than that.
The fact is that there are any number of
apparently confdent people who can do
marvellous thins but who have poor self-
esteem. !any people in the public eye fall into
this cateory. "ctors and comedians and
siners in particular can seem to low with
assurance 'on stae', and yet o#-stae many of
them feel desperately insecure.
$ndeed, individuals can be stunninly
attractive and world-famous, and seem poised
and perfect - yet still, deep down, fnd it hard
to value themselves. Think of the late %rincess
of &ales and !arilyn !onroe and you'll accept,
$ think, that public adulation is no uarantee of
self-belief.
So, if self-esteem isn't 'uite the same thin as
confdence, what is it?
&ell, the word 'esteem' comes from a (atin
word which means 'to estimate'. So, self-
esteem is how you estimate yourself.
%eople with self-esteem)
*old themselves as worthy to be loved and
to love others, worthy to be cared for and to
care for others, worthy to be nurtured and to
nurture others, worthy to be touched and
supported and to touch and support others,
worthy to be listened to and to listen to
others, worthy to be reconi+ed and to
reconi+e others, worthy to be encouraed
and to encourae others, worthy to be
reinforced as ,ood, people and to reconi+e
others as ,ood, people.
*ave a productive personality- they have
achieved success to the best of their
ability in school, work, and society.
"re capable of bein creative, imainative
problem solvers- of bein risk takers,
optimistic in their approach to life and in the
attainment of their personal oals.
"re leaders and are skillful in dealin with
people. They are neither too independent
nor too dependent on others. They have the
ability to si+e up a relationship and ad.ust to
the demands of the interaction.
*ave a healthy self-concept. Their
perception of themselves is in synchrony
with the picture of themselves they pro.ect
to others.
"re able to state clearly who they are, what
their future potential is, and to what they are
committed in life. They are able to declare
what they deserve to receive in their
lifetime.
"re able to accept the responsibility for and
conse'uences of their actions. They do not
resort to shiftin the blame or usin others
as scapeoats for actions that have resulted
in a neative outcome.
"re altruistic. They have a leitimate
concern for the welfare of others. They are
not self-centered or eotistical in their
outlook on life. They do not take on the
responsibility for others in an over-
responsible way. They help others accept
the responsibility for their own actions. They
are, however, always ready to help anyone
who leitimately needs assistance or
uidance.
*ave healthy copin skills. They are able to
handle the stresses in their lives in a
productive way. They are able to put the
problems, concerns, issues, and con/icts
that come their way into perspective. They
are able to keep their lives in perspective
without becomin too idealistic or too
morose. They are survivors in the healthiest
sense of the word. They have a ood sense
of humor and are able to keep a balance of
work and fun in their lives.
(ook to the future with excitement, a sense
of adventure and optimism. They reconi+e
their potential for success and visuali+e their
success in the future. They have dreams,
aspirations, and hopes for the future.
They are oal-oriented with a sense of
balance in workin toward their oals. They
know from where they have come, where
they are now, and where they are oin.
%ersons with low self-esteem)
0onsider themselves lost, unworthy of bein
cared for.
"re poor risk takers.
1perate out of a fear of re.ection.
"re typically unassertive in their behavior
with others.
"re fearful of con/ict with others.
"re hunry for the approval of others.
"re poor problem solvers.
"re frauht with irrational beliefs and have a
tendency to think irrationally.
"re susceptible to all kinds of fears.
*ave a tendency to become emotionally stuck
and immobili+ed.
*ave a poor ,track record, in school or on the
.ob- conversely, they sometimes over
compensate and become over-achievers.
"re unable to a2rm or to reinforce
themselves positively.
"re unable to make an honest assessment of
their strenths, 'ualities, and ood points-
they fnd it di2cult to accept compliments or
reconition from others.
*ave poorly defned self-identities with a
tendency to be chameleons in order to ft in
with others.
"re insecure, anxious, and nervous when
they are with others.
1ften become overcome with aner about
their status in life and are likely to have
chronic hostility or chronic depression.
"re easily overcome with despair and
depression when they experience a setback
or loss in their lives.
*ave a tendency to overreact and become de-
eneri+ed by resentment, aner, and the
desire for revene aainst those whom they
believe have not fully accepted them.
3ulfll roles in their families of oriin that are
counter-productive and maladaptive. These
roles carry over into their adult lives.
"re vulnerable to mental health problems and
have a propensity to use addictive behavior
to medicate their hurt and pain. Such
addictive behavior can include alcohol,
drus, food, amblin, sex, shoppin,
smokin, workaholism, or the search for
excitement, truth, wisdom, and a uru with
an easy uide to the achievement of
happiness.
$!%14T"506S 13 S6(3-6ST66!.
$ broke up with my irlfriend last week. She
kept sayin that she loved me. $ thouht there
must be somethin wron with her. *ow could
anyone love somebody like me?,
,6verybody thinks that $'m happy-o-lucky. $
put on a false front. $ pretend that $ haven't
ot a care in the world. 7ut inside, $ feel
empty.,
,$ can't stand success. $ et a .ob. Thins are
oin well. $'m makin money. $ can et some
of the thins $ want. 7ut then $ start feelin
anxious. So $ o et a bottle and start drinkin.
%retty soon, $ lose the .ob. 7ut $ don't feel
scared anymore.,
Throuh our experience with the world, we
human beins, children and adults, form
concepts of causal relationships. &e become
aware of the potentialities and capabilities of
thins in the world. 3or example, we learn that
we can, with a fner, penetrate the surface of
water, but not the surface of a wooden table,
that wet snow sticks to itself and makes ood
snowballs, but dry snow does not, etc. &e
learn that the neihbor's do will play fetch
the stick for as lon as we will throw it. &e
develop expectations about the behavior of
other persons. &e learn, for example, that our
randmother cooks our favorite foods when we
visit, that our mother ets anry if we track
mud into the house, that our best friend is
competitive in ames, that our teacher is a
,neatness freak,, etc.
8ust as we form concepts reardin the
behavior of inanimate ob.ects, animals, and
other human beins, we all form a concept of
ourselves, of what we are like, of how we will
react in various situations. "s we make choices
and decisions throuhout our life, as we think
or fail to think in situations where thouht is
re'uired, as we act accordin to our
.udement, or fail to, in moments of decision,
we ac'uire a certain sense of self, which is the
cumulative product of the kind of choices and
decisions we have made. These behaviors add
up to our self-concept and to our self-
evaluation. The concept we form of ourselves,
stated positively, is our self-esteem. Self-
esteem is the ,reputation, a person ets with
himself or herself. "s defned by psycholoist
5athaniel 7randen, who is sometimes referred
to as ,the father of the self-esteem
movement,, the concept of self-esteem
includes two important components) a sense of
self-confdence or e2cacy and a sense of self-
respect or worthiness.
62cacy
"s our minds process the data comin in from
the outside and uide us throuh our physical
and social environment, we can experience an
inner state of bein in control, of e2cacy, of an
ability to assimilate and handle the incomin
data and to appropriately direct ourselves
throuh the environment- or, we can
experience a sense of helplessness, of
ine2cacy, of powerlessness, a sense of bein
overwhelmed. "s children, we encounter these
two states very early. $t is in our nature as
livin oranisms that we value feelins of
e2cacy and disvalue feelins of helplessness.
$n part, this is because feelins of helplessness
are often associated with physical or
psycholoical pain, while feelins of e2cacy
and control are associated with pleasure or at
least lack of pain.
&orthiness
"s we learn about the world and ourselves, we
come to expect that certain types of actions
will have certain types of conse'uences. $f we
habitually behave in ways that we know to be
consistent with reality, life-enhancin, and true
to our moral principles, we expect that the
conse'uences of our actions will be positive.
&e feel worthy. &e ,deserve, to be happy. 1n
the other hand, if we behave in ways that are
contrary to our knowlede of reality, self-
destructive, and9or in violation of our moral
principles, we experience neative
conse'uences. &e feel inappropriate to life.
&e feel that we don't deserve to be happy.
Self-esteem is the experience of feelin and
knowin that we are competent to live and
worthy of livin and bein happy.
&hat Self-6steem $s 5ot
:enuine self-esteem is not primarily dependent
upon the approval of other persons in one's
social environment. &hile it is indeed desirable
to have the realistic ood opinions of others,
no one can ive us self-esteem except
ourselves. The person who ties his self-esteem
to the approval of others is already
handicapped in self-esteem and is constantly
in .eopardy of further loss of self-esteem.
0ontrary to what one sometimes hears or
reads, self-esteem is not .ust a synonym for
any positive feelin about oneself. Thus, self-
esteem is not eotism, arroance,
conceitedness, narcissism, or a desire to feel
superior to others. $ndeed, these attitudes
betray a lack of enuine self-esteem. Self-
esteem is not the euphoria that miht be
temporarily induced by a .ob promotion or a
new love a#air. $n fact, if one feels
incompetent to handle the .ob or unworthy of
love, these experiences can be a challene to
an already impaired sense of self-esteem. 1ne
can feel like an ,imposter,, who miht be
,found out, at any moment.
The $mportance of Self-6steem
Self-esteem is one of our most basic
psycholoical needs. The deree of our self-
esteem ;or lack of it< impacts every ma.or
aspect of our lives. $t has profound e#ects on
our thinkin processes, emotions, desires,
values, choices, and oals. =efcits in self-
esteem contribute to virtually all psycholoical
problems. "nd psycholoical problems lead to
lowered self-esteem. $t is a reciprocal
relationship.
Healthy Self-Esteem
Childhood experiences that lead to healthy self-esteem
include-
being praised
being listened to
being spoken to respectfully
getting attention and hugs
experiencing success in sports or school
having trustworthy friends
Low Self-Esteem
Childhood experiences that lead to low self-esteem
include-
being harshly criticized
being yelled at, or beaten
being ignored, ridiculed or teased
being expected to be "perfect" all the time
experiencing failures in sports or school
People with low self-esteem were often given messages that
failed experiences (losing a game, getting a poor grade, etc.
were failures of their whole self.
Three Steps to Better Self-Esteem
7efore you can bein to improve your self-
esteem you must frst believe that you can
chane it. 0hane doesn't necessarily happen
'uickly or easily, but it can happen. >ou are not
powerless? 1nce you have accepted, or are at
least willin to entertain the possibility that
you are not powerless, there are three steps
you can take to bein to chane your self-
esteem)
Step @) 4ebut the $nner 0ritic
Step A) %ractice Self-5urturin
Step B) :et *elp from 1thers
Step 1: Rebut the Inner Critic
The frst important step in improvin self-
esteem is to bein to challene the neative
messaes of the critical inner voice. *ere are
some typical examples of the inner critic's
voice and how you can ,rebut, that voice.
The Inner Critic's Voice:
Your Rebuttals:
$s Cnfairly *arsh)
,%eople said they liked
my presentation, but it
was nowhere near as
ood as it should have
been. $ can't believe
no-one noticed all the
7e 4eassurin)
,&ow, they really liked
it? !aybe it wasn't
perfect, but $ worked
hard on that
presentation and did a
ood .ob. $'m proud of
places $ messed up. $'m
such an impostor.,
myself. This was a
reat success.,
:enerali+es
Cnrealistically)
,$ ot an 3 on the test. $
don't understand
anythin in this class.
$'m such an idiot. &ho
am $ foolin? $
shouldn't be takin this
class. $'m stupid and $
don't belon in
collee.,
7e Specifc)
,$ did poorly on this one
test, but $'ve done 1.D.
on all the homework.
There are some thins
here that $ don't
understand as well as $
thouht $ did, but $ can
do the material-$'ve
done fne in other
classes that were .ust
as touh.
!akes (eaps of $lloic)
,*e is frownin. *e
didn't say anythin, but
$ know it means that he
doesn't like me?,
0hallene $lloic)
,1.D., he's frownin,
but $ don't know why. $t
could have nothin to
do with me. !aybe $
should ask.,
0atastrophi+es)
,She turned me down
for a date? $'m so
embarrassed and
humiliated. 5o one
likes or cares about me.
$'ll never fnd a
irlfriend. $'ll always be
alone.,
7e 1b.ective)
,1uch? That hurt. &ell,
she doesn't want to o
out with me. That
doesn't mean no one
does. $ know $'m an
attractive and nice
person. $'ll fnd
someone.,
Step 2: Practice Self-Nurturing
4ebuttin your critical inner voice is an
important frst step, but it is not enouh. Since
our self-esteem is in part due to how others
have treated us in the past, the second step to
more healthy self-esteem is to bein to treat
yourself as a worthwhile person.
Start to challene past neative experiences or
messaes by nurturin and carin for yourself
in ways that show that you are valuable,
competent, deservin and lovable. There are
several components to self-nurturin)
%ractice 7asic Self-0are
:et enouh sleep, eat in a healthy fashion, et
reular exercise, practice ood hyiene, and so
forth.
%lan 3un E 4elaxin Thins 3or >ourself
>ou could o to a movie, take a nap, et a
massae, plant a arden, buy a pet, learn to
meditate-whatever you en.oy.
4eward >ourself 3or >our "ccomplishments
>ou could take the niht o# to celebrate ood
rades, spend time with a friend, or
compliment yourself for makin that hard
phone call.
4emind >ourself of >our Strenths E
"chievements
1ne way is to make a list of thins you like
about yourself. 1r keep a 'success' fle of
awards, certifcates and positive letters or
citations. Deep momentos of accomplishments
you are proud of where you can see them.
3orive >ourself &hen >ou =on't =o "ll >ou'd
*oped
Self-nurturin can be surprisinly hard if you
are not used to doin it. =on't be critical of
yourself-remember that inner voice?-when you
don't do it .ust riht.
Self-5urture 6ven &hen >ou =on't 3eel >ou
=eserve $t
,3ake it, until you can ,make it., &hen you
treat yourself like you deserve to feel ood and
be nurtured, slowly you'll come to believe it.
Step 3: Get Help fro !thers
:ettin help from others is often the most
important step a person can take to improve
his or her self-esteem, but it can also be the
most di2cult. %eople with low self-esteem
often don't ask for help because they feel they
don't deserve it. 7ut since low self-esteem is
often caused by how other people treated you
in the past, you may need the help of other
people in the present to challene the critical
messaes that come from neative past
experiences. *ere are some ways to et help
from others)