Ma and Pa

Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes running out of the
house calling to him.
Daddy, daddy, whats sex? asks the boy.
For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his son has
asked the question, then he must do his best to answer it. For the next
few minutes dad talks about the birds and the bees, then human
relationships, love, the sex act, having babies in fact he does a pretty
good job of covering every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when
he sees how oddly his son is looking at him.
Why did you want to know? he asks.
Well, Mummy said to come out and tell you that dinner would be ready in
two secs.

Man to son:
Endeavour to marry a girl with small hands, itll make your penis
look bigger.

Mummy, mummy, Ive discovered how babies are made. I saw daddy put
his willy in your mouth last night.
No, thats not right, replied mummy, thats how I get my expensive
jewellery.

Mummy, mummy, whats a pussy? asked the small boy. His
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture of a
cat.
Thats a pussy, she said.
Mummy, mummy, whats a bitch? continued the little boy. Again,
mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her son a picture
of a dog.
But the boy wasnt convinced so he went to his father and asked
him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine, opened it at the
centrefold and drew a circle.
There you are, son, he said, thats a pussy.
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad replied sadly,
Everything outside the circle, son.

Mummy, mummy, what are you doing? exclaimed the little boy as he
walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on daddy.
Just flattening daddys tummy, mum replied.
I wouldnt bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will only blow it up
again.

Hey June, how about a bit of slap and tickle tonight?
Sshh John, dont talk like that in front of the children. Lets use
code. Whenever you feel like it, just say,
How about turning the washing machine on.
A few evenings later, June turned to her husband and said,
Shall I put the washing machine on tonight?
Dont bother, love, you looked a bit tired so I did it by hand.

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter how hard his
wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as theyre about to give up, their
daughter arrives home with her boyfriend. When they hear what has
happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the mans nose and tells him to blow as hard
as he can. The man does this and the peanut pops out. Sometime later
the parents are talking and mum comments,
Our Veras got a clever boyfriend there. I wonder what will become of
him.
Ill tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, hell be our son-in-law,
came the reply.

An 18-year-old boy says to his father,
Dad, I keep getting these terrible urges, what can I do about it?
I think youd better go and see my friend Bob, hes a sex therapist,
Im sure hell be able to help. Pop round to his house this evening.
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits theres no
improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is opened by
Bobs wife who tells him the therapist has been called away on
urgent business.
Can I help at all? she says.
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes him by
the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love to him. The
next day he meets up with his father who asks him how the
treatment is going.
Its great now, dad, smiles the boy. The therapists wife has got
more brains between her legs than he has in his head.

The little girls mother was entertaining her next door neighbour when her
little daughter walked in.
Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert? she asked.
No Im not, why do you ask? said the puzzled neighbour.
Mum says if theres any dirt about youll dig it up.

It was cold and pouring with rain but the boys mother insisted he
go and feed the animals on their free holding before he could have
breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens,
punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.
When he got back inside his mother was furious.
How dare you! she fumed.
For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk
because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way
you treated the pigs.
Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat,
he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and
said, Are you going to tell him or shall I?

A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed.
Well! she exclaimed. And you tell me off just for sucking my thumb.

A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would like for
Christmas.
A baby brother please, he replied.
Im sorry, son, theres not enough time, its only 3 weeks to
Christmas.
Well, cant you put more men on the job? the son suggested.

The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son
runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice,
Dad, dad, the bulls fucking the cow.
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly
says, Next time, son, be a little less explicit. You should have said.
The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of language comes from
associating with riff-raff.
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife are
entertaining again when their son rushes in.
Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows.
Well done, son, youve remembered what I told you, but you should have
said the bull is surprising the cow it can only surprise one cow at a
time, you know.
But he can, dad, insists the boy Hes fucking the horse.

One evening father passed his daughters bedroom and heard her
saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped to listen and
heard her say,
God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye
Grandma.
How odd, thought father, but he didnt want his daughter to know
hed been listening so he didnt say anything to her. But tragically,
next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few months went by and
one evening father heard his daughter praying again.
God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa.
No, it couldnt mean anything thought father apprehensively, but
next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa had
passed away in his sleep!
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed before
father heard his daughter again.
God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.
Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too frightened
to sleep in case he didnt wake up. The next morning he walked to
work instead of taking the car, in case there was an accident, and
spent the day at his desk doing very little but worrying. When he got
home that evening he collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces,
and told his wife all about the nightmare day that hed had.
She replied, Youre not the only one to have had a bad day. This
morning when I opened the front door I found the gasman dead on
the front doorstep.

Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when they passed
two dogs humping. When the boy asked his father what was happening
he told him they were making a puppy. A few days later the little boy
caught his mum and dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them
what they were doing, dad replied they were making a baby.
The little boy said, Well, can you turn mummy over, Id much rather have
a puppy.