A Modest Proposal for Migrant Children

Our leaders want to protect you from a dangerous

journey. Listen to Hillary. Stay home.

By
MARY ANASTASIA O'GRADY
June 22, 2014 6:31 p.m. ET
Dear Central American Parents,
It has come to our attention that it has become fashionable in your countries to export your
children to the U.S. We're not sure how many unaccompanied minors are sneaking over the
U.S.-Mexico border without being detected. But we hear that the numbers of those
apprehended by law enforcement have shot up in recent months.
A June 13 policy paper by Muzaffar Chishti and Faye Hipsman at The Migration Policy
Institute cites Border Patrol data: In fiscal year 2011 only 16,067 minors traveling without
adults were apprehended entering the country from Mexico. In 2012, the number caught
illegally entering the country was 24,481 and in 2013, 38,833. Eight months of fiscal year
2014 have yielded 47,017 detentions of unaccompanied children. Most are Central American.
"If the influx continues apaceand it shows no signs of slowingthe administration predicts
that by the end of the fiscal year on September 30, totals could reach 90,000," the authors
write.
We are writing to tell you to stop moving your children into our country. Don't you know that
way of thinking is so 19th and 20th century? Sure, many of our grandparents traveled as
unaccompanied children from abroad with instructions to connect with relatives in this
country. Their parents wanted them to have a shot at a better life. But now that we're here,
we've gone off that idea.
We're happy to trade with you. Our country is the world's largest consumer of illegal drugs,
many of which come to us through Central America. We pay good money, in cash, for them.
Enlarge Image

Unaccompanied migrant children are shown at a Department of Health and Human Services facility in south Texas on June 14. Reuters
We understand that all those billions of dollars, going into the pockets of drug dealers, build
well-armed, organized-crime networks that overwhelm your elected governments and
institutions. We have heard that the extortion, kidnapping and gang violence that have
blossomedas drug capos branched out into other lines of workhave made survival in
your countries an iffy proposition. We read the 2011 World Bank study that found that
"narco trafficking ranks as the top cause for the rising crime rates and violence levels in
Central America, a reflection in part of the sheer volume of narcotics flows through the
area90 percent of U.S.-bound drugs."
But really, there is not much we can do about it. We've been trying to kick our drug habits for
years and it's just too darn hard.
Our plan for the U.S. war on drugs was that it should be fought in your countries. We
remember Al Capone. That was so bad for Chicago. But we can't stomach humanitarian
crises either, and we can't bear to see one that we played such a big role in creating, now
brought to our door step.
Don't you know how dangerous it is for teenagers to go around without their parents? In our
country humans are dependent children well into their 20s. We would worry, if we were you,
that your offspring might not be wearing their seat belts or that they could be eating trans fats
during the long trip.
Hillary Clinton told CNN's Christiane Amanpour last week that the children "should be sent
back as soon as it can be determined who responsible adults in their families are." (Psst,
Hillary: Those adults are here!)
Of course, as always, she is thinking of the children: "Just because your child gets across the
border, that doesn't mean the child gets to stay. . . . We don't want to send a message that is
contrary to our laws, or we'll encourage more children to make that dangerous journey."
See? Even Hillary thinks it's dangerous. You, on the other hand, seem to think that the risks
of growing up in drug-war-torn Central America are greater than the risks of making a run for
it across Mexico. You should listen to Hillary. She always puts people before politics.
Your problem is that you elect bad leaders, not like us. Ours know how to negotiate with the
Taliban. You should learn from us.
You also have to realize, as the late development economist Peter Bauer wryly observed, that
the way government uses per-capita gross domestic product to measure wealth, more cows
make us richer but more children make us poorer. Thus your exports make our economy look
even worse than it already is.
For the record, we like children. We do not advocate a Swiftian solution. But your little
crumb-snatchers are showing up here with dirty hands and faces. When they grow up they're
going to steal our children's jobs. We'll never bring down Obama-era unemployment rates.
The pie is only so big. That's why President Obama wants to slice it equally for everyone. If
more of you start nibbling there will be less for us. So back off.
Sincerely,
Dedicated Opponents of People Exports from the South
P.S. Know any gardeners? The natives are so expensive and you don't need to speak English
to water a tree. Send recommendations, no questions asked.