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in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York.
Clothier. "Step in and look at our goods, Captain. Summer stuffs at a discount—nice lot o' white ducks at half pr
Sportsman. "I beat you there. I've got a nice lot o' black ducks here that ain't to be had at any price."
The Moon, as is generally known, shines with a borrowed light, while the Sun is popularly supposed to manufacture its
and to arrange its pyrotechnics on the premises. Our N.Y. Sun, however, does not always manufacture its own beams. B
most brilliant of the "sunbeams," for instance, published in that journal of November 1st, is the quaint and charming lit
there headed "Sally Salter," and written originally for Punchinello, in the issue of which publication for Oct. 1st it mad
appearance, under the title of "The Lovers." We congratulate the Sun on having thus successfully lit its pipe with Punch
fire, though we think it might have been gracious enough to have acknowledged the favor.
A PEOPLE OF TASTE.
The extraordinary liberality of the generous people of Connecticut has frequently excited apprehension in the minds of
friends, that, sooner or later, as the result of their spendthrift career, they must come to beggary. But we are glad to hea
are making an effort in New Haven to reform. The grocery men there say that their customers taste so much before the
up their minds to buy anything, that what with gratuitous slices of cheese and specimen mouthfuls of sugar and sample
of molasses, the shop-keeper's profits are most dolefully diminished. A particularly BLUE LAW against this economic
will have the effect of sobering down these brilliant Cullers.
"What Answer?"
Is it likely that HORACE GREELEY, or any other man, could steer this country through its difficulties by means of th
the soil?
About the dreariest magazine or other reading we know of—and we get a deal of it, too—is that which describes the vi
enthusiastic persons to big caves underground, very dark, damp, dreary, ugly, funereal—with winding ways and huge h
water with eyeless fish, and certain drippings called stalagmites and stalactites. The enthusiasts, who always possess th
treasure self-satisfaction, and a boundless capacity for wonder (which is always ready to exercise itself with anything t
however ugly), and the "Palaces," and "Halls," and "Cascades," and "Altars," and "Bridal Wreaths" they see there are n
finer than real ones (if you would believe them!) but so grand and wonderful as to be really indescribable. So we find t
their turgid and stupid reports, which are all alike, and all dreary and silly. We have never heard of anybody who got ex
these pictures (except the artists themselves); and positively there is no flatter reading anywhere than these gushing not
big caves.
GEOMETRICAL.
Why is it that we hear so much of the proper "Sphere" of woman? Here is that noble exile, the Princess Editha Montez,
again, and her subject, of course, is the Spherical one. So when Mesdames Stanton, Dickinson, Anthony, Howe—all th
lecturers—discourse, they forget the platform which is plane, and discuss the "sphere" which is mysterious. Can it poss
that it is because these amiable gentlewomen are always going round? Or is it because they cannot help reasoning in a
is there some occult relation between spheres and hoops? Or has the wedding-ring something to do with it? It should be
understood, that these are questions addressed solely to male mathematicians; for Mr. P. is unlike John Graham, and do
to cross-examine ladies.
SECRETION EXTRAORDINARY.
It is done by Mollusks. We can tell you even the precise kind—it is the Gasteropod kind. Not only this, we know the ve
himself that does it. (And you will say that "devil" is not a particle too rough a term, when we come to tell what it is he
"secretes.") It is the Dolium galea, good friends, and we could tell you six other kinds that are suspected of this meanne
'em is the Pleurobranchidium—which, of course, you have often heard of.
Well, what do these wretched Mollusks go and secrete? We can tell you—we, who know everything. It is sulphuric aci
do they steal it? Oh, no; they "evolve" it—probably from the "depths of their own consciousness."
And what do they do it for? Well, they bore with it. Give 'em a chance, and they'll go through you. The acid eats its wa
they eat their way. That way is not ours, exactly; but we have known human beings about as venomous as this creature
precisely the same tendency to pierce one. They do it with their tongues, it is true, but the perforation is complete.
We are unusually astonished to find the Female Reformers holding their meeting in this city in Apollo Hall. It is well k
Apollo was a god of the male persuasion; and to have everything "mix up well," these philosophical dames should hav
Minerva Hall or a Diana Hall of their own. Besides, was not Apollo the God of Harmony? Precious little of that same w
this meeting; for there was the Medical Mary Walker trying to make a speech, while the Chairwoman put her down, ca
Mary de Medici to cry out with shrill indignation: "Tyrant!" Bless us! we thought all the tyrants were we Bearded One
This excellent young woman also caught glimpses of the red man, and here was another glorious opportunity to display
literary genius—and she did not let the occasion slip—O no! it produced a plaintive little rhapsody of pity and regret, s
"Mr. Lo!" is apt to inspire in the hearts of the young and romantic, although if MELISSA were to find herself alone in
with the faintest suspicion of "Mr. Lo!" meandering anywhere near, she would most likely apply her hand involuntarily
trembling chignon, and regret as keenly as all hard-hearted persons, that civilization has not carried out the process of
extermination even more thoroughly than it has done. Indeed, she would probably wish the red gentleman at the bottom
Red Sea, or in some other equally damp and discouraging situation. The noble-hearted braves are so much prettier to re
than to encounter, and the thrill occasioned by the sight of a bloody hatchet suspended over the intricate elaboration wh
fondly term a head, though more exciting perhaps, would scarcely be as delightful as that awakened by some perfectly
stirring ballad of the red man's wrongs.
MELISSA'S ideas of refinement met with a great shock. She concluded that the Indians' acquaintance with soap and w
be extremely limited, and thought that the distribution amongst them of several boxes of COLGATE'S best would be a
delicate courtesy, and true missionary enterprise. In looking at these noble representatives of savage life, she was great
to discover where the dirt ended and the Indian began: but philanthropy should overlook such trifles. Philanthropy shou
squeamish.
MELISSA, ecstasized over Lake Tahoe, and Yo Semité, and the Big Trees, and was delighted, enchanted, and enraptur
most thorough and conscientious manner. She revelled amongst California grapes and pears, and quaffed the California
with appropriate delight and hilarity. She also studied JOHN CHINAMAN in all his phases, and came to the conclusio
would do. She thought it would be a seraphic experience to see the pride and importance of Misses BRIDGET and GR
taken down a little. JOHN would certainly not possess the voluble eloquence—of the first, nor the stolid impudence of
second, nor would he have, like the pretty Swede, a train of admirers a mile in length. Of course he would not have the
advantages to recommend him. But then one can get along without florid oratory in the kitchen, and although a lady m
highly pleased and flattered to see an unending procession of admirers file in and out of her drawing-rooms, still she ha
decided objection to seeing the same imposing spectacle in her kitchen. Women, will be inconsistent.
MELISSA particularly admired JOHN'S manner of ironing. She thought it peculiar but genteel, and gentility is always
There must be something about the climate of California that is especially inspiring to authors—a kind of magnetism in
Spain has commissioned a Mr. AZCARATE, a Cuban, to visit and report upon our penal institutions, and the gentlema
the country. We trust he will not fail to visit the Connecticut State Prison. There he would unquestionably obtain nume
for improving the Spanish system of prison torture, or even that in vogue in his native land, for political prisoners. The
learn how Yankee thrift, applied in this direction, makes the starving of convicts even a more profitable business than
manufacturing wooden nutmegs. Perhaps not the least valuable information he would gain, would be the best method o
obnoxious prisoners into revolt, and thus obtaining a chance for disposing of them, legally, by a capital conviction.
It is oddly enough objected to the re-election of a certain Member of Congress from Massachusetts, that "he can't open
mouth." It might be answered that Gen. BUTLER is quite able to open his mouth wide enough for the whole delegation
mouth may be opened for two purposes, viz., speech-making and swallowing; and it never appeared to us that there wa
either of Bolting or Bellering in the House of Representatives. However notably Honorable Gentlemen may play the ga
of Gab or Grab, it isn't so clear that their constituents are much benefited by these accomplishments. If all they want is
open-mouthed Member, why don't the Massachusetts men import a first-class crocodile, and send him to the National M
in Washington?
It is with a heart full of patriotic pride and gratitude that Mr. PUNCHINELLO observes the adoption, in his dear native
the manners and customs of the Land of his Adoption. At an election recently held in Rome, about something or some
thing, one enterprising Roman has been discovered who voted "yes" twenty-five times in as many electoral urns—there
be presumed, earning a good deal of money. We have a more lively hope for charming Italy when we find even a singl
exhibiting a skill which would do honor to the most accomplished professional voter in New York. There is something
encouraging in finding the Sons of ST. PETER becoming, every one of them, Re-Peters.
To Commentators.
The "Sun of York," mentioned in Richard III., has no reference to the "Sun of New York" neither was the quotation, "W
so base, that would be a bondman?" especially meant for application to "THE" ALLEN.
Beatific.
They talk a great deal about the twenty-eight inch beet they have grown in California, but a policeman of this city has a
miles long.
2d Festive Cuss. "ON ACCOUNT OF OUR ELEGANT COSTOOM, I GUESS. THEY TAKE YOU FOR WALL S
AND ME FOR FIFTH AVENUE."
We suppose that no individual has rendered more invaluable service as a historian than the distinguished Eye-witness o
newspapers. The friends of PUNCHINELLO will therefore be rejoiced to hear that this accurate reporter was engaged
for our readers the progress of the late elections.
Some time ago, the Eye-witness set about organizing the campaign by the masterly and novel plan of inducing the lead
opposing political parties to nominate different men for the same office. The effect was electrical. Immediately on thes
nominations being made public, the people rose like one man, and began canvassing like a great many different and ve
quarrelsome men. Target companies sprang from the recesses of the East Side, like ghosts from the rocks in Der Freisc
drums and fifes resounded; cannons boomed; fireworks burst into flame. The Eye-witness, having thus set the universe
satisfactorily by the ears, got into his second-story front, and contemplated the campaign with serene complacency from
window.
He had not to wait very long for a Mass Meeting to be formed under his very nose, and, consequently, within range of
witnessing and recording Eye. This Mass Meeting was conducted by the "Intelligent" Party, and was announced to be s
followed by a Multitudinous Assemblage of the "Enlightened" Party. These two factions, as it will readily be observed
their names indicate, are of the most widely varying character and scope; a fact to be further illustrated by the proceedi
followed.
The intelligent began to assemble early in the evening, to the sound of guns and drums and sky-rockets. These accomp
were intended to get their spirits up, but the Intelligent persistently applied themselves to getting spirits down; and whe
processes had continued for a reasonable length of time, speakers began to appear upon the stands. The first man who a
them was the Commercial Candidate.
"Fellow-citizens," said he, "why are you here? To elect me, of course. (Immense cheering.) And why will you elect me
honest man: I want no office. (Laughter and cheers.) Ah, my friends, you elect me because you are now paying $5.36 o
pound of Peruvian Bark and Egyptian Mummy which you use in every-day life, and because you know that when I am
other party will be out!" (Continued applause.)
Next rose an ex-Senator, who said he had come wholly unprepared to speak, but, being unexpectedly called upon, had
brief jottings on a visiting-card, to which he would now refer. He then spoke for one hour and three-quarters. At the clo
was an intermission for carrying off the dead.
JONES, the candidate for the office of Vituperator, then cleared his throat savagely.
"My friends," he began, "BROWN, the opposing candidate, is a scamp, and he knows it. If any man says he isn't, he is.
cheers.) Do you ask me to prove it? Prove an axiom! (Applause.) Who but a damned rascal would run against me at ele
tell you it is assault and battery! (Sounds of approbation.) In conclusion, I will only add that Brown is an infernal bumm
sneak." (Cheers.)
ORDER OF PROCESSION.
Cordon of Police.
Drum.
Committee of Arrangements.
Fife.
Target Company.
Drum and Fife.
Small boys.
Apple-women.
Drum.
The Enlightened candidate for the Vituperator was the first on the stand. He rushed forward and said:—
"The Vituperative candidate of the Intelligent let fall in a former speech some subtle or carefully worded innuendoes as
character. I have only to say that his speech was a tissue of falsehood. I will trespass upon your patience further, to add
JONES is an infernal bummer and a sneak. If he is not, my fellow-citizens, why then I am. (Indignant cries of 'That's so
friends, you cannot doubt this reasoning. The facts are then conclusive. Either he is a bummer, or I am. It is therefore y
on the 8th November, to elect me at once and in fact to the office of Vituperator, and prospectively to those of Mayor,
and President of the United States." (Prolonged cheering.)
Mr. DE MAGOG, a very giant of eloquence, a Gog as well as Magog of oratory, next set the enlightened agog with a s
"Fellow-citizens! Men and Brothers! Victory or defeat! Liberty or death! Glorious republic! Stars and Stripes! Down w
traitor! To the polls! Red fire—blood and thunder"—(voice drowned in shouts of wild enthusiasm.)
The Eye-witness, meantime, had become distracted with harassing doubts. Subscribing fully to the politics of PUNCHI
which is the only paper he reads, he had hitherto announced himself as a member of the Right Party. Being, however, o
conviction, he had unfortunately permitted both parties to convict him. In this awful crisis Reason appeared about to to
her throne. The Eye-witness thrust his head wildly from the window, and shrieked to the crowd below: "Where's the Ri
belong to the Right Party. I want to hear the Right Man!!"
At once the mob became a sea of upturned faces. The Enlightened, together with a large number of the Intelligent, who
lingered on the scene, with one common consent lifted up their voices and groaned. The groan was but a premonitory t
shower of sticks, stones, whiskey-bottles, and superannuated eggs. The Eye-witness closed the window with an undign
and retired into the depths of his chamber, where he remained until after the election. Owing to a dimness of vision, res
from the eggs-cruciating condition of his ocular organs, the occupation of the Eye-witness was from that moment gone
this fact must be attributed his inability to state, with any certainty, whether the Right Party has succeeded in putting th
Man in the Right Place; but he rather thinks it has.
The Sun is eclipsed by the World, and is far behind the Times. It cannot be considered a Standard sheet, and will never
the Star newspaper. Receiving its News with the Mail, as a Herald it is valueless. It cannot claim to be a Journal of Co
and as a Tribune for the people it is a failure, and it does not shine as a Democrat, for it relies on the Post for most of it
intelligence.
A CHEERFUL PROSPECT,
First Old Loafer. "THE PAPERS SAYS THERE'S A CHANCE OF THE BOURBON DIE NASTY REIGNING IN
AGAIN."
Second ditto. "BULLY! IF THERE'S ANYTHING I LIVE FOR ITS A HIGH OLD RAIN OF BOURBON. LET IT
The country was indignant that Fort Sumter was not reinforced. Major Anderson's supplies were nearly exhausted, and
twenty thousand men, with equipments and rations. If the Government couldn't afford the rations—very well: it ought
given him the men.
I am speaking of the late rebellion, which GREELEY, HEADLEY, and others have written up. Although a publishing
Hartford, Conn., own most of the facts of the war, which they peddle out only by subscription, they can give the public
of the secret history of the Fort Sumter affair. That remains to be written, while WELLER and I remain to write it. The
Ex-Secretary has gracefully left it to me to describe the midnight session of the Cabinet at which I chanced to be presen
I was boarding at the White House at the time, and as President LINCOLN assured me it would be rather interesting, I
persuaded to attend. "The fact is, the crisis reminds me," said he, of a little story of a horse-trot in Arkansas—"
"Sir," interrupted I, "it reminds me of a dozen stories, one of AEsop's fables, and two hundred lives of CHAUCER."
As the clock struck twelve, he called the meeting to order and remarked: "Gentlemen, ANDERSON is in Sumter. The q
now is,—what will he do with it?"
South Carolina was out. BUCHANAN had done nothing. Everywhere was distrust. (That very day they had refused, on
Pennsylvania avenue, to trust me for a spring overcoat.) STANTON was getting his dark lantern ready for nightly inter
SUMNER and WENDELL PHILLIPS in a vacant lot upon the outskirts of the Capitol. Universal gloom prevailed.
SEWARD opened the discussion. He said it was contemplated to throw four thousand men into Fort Sumter. We could
we did, it would only be one of the first throes of a civil conflict, a war long and bloody, which he would venture to pre
be protracted even to the extent of ninety days. Were we prepared for that? He would like to hear from that pure patriot
Secretary of War, on this point.
Amid murmurs of applause, Gen. CAMERON rose to say that he was wholly unprepared to make a speech; but he own
condemned muskets, which he stood ready to dispose of to the Government at four times their original cost. He should
the Fort be covered with several thicknesses of Pennsylvania railroad iron. It would protect our gallant troops, and he w
he had always been, in favor of protection. Besides, he knew parties who could get up a ring in the way of army blanke
Mr. CHASE spoke rather thick and fast, but I understood him to pronounce in favor of that platform which would get t
votes. "If the people think it ought to be done, why, do it. The country needs taxation, and is anxious to have me Presid
I can borrow money enough in Wall street to pay the passage of a moderate number of men to Charleston, but they mu
account be CHASE men. I don't want any of my friends killed off before the next Presidential election."
"What the Administration lacks," chimed in BLAIR, "is backbone. Powder and ball, and blood are my sentiments. Fill
army and navy offices with the BLAIR family, and secession is dead."
SEWARD again: "Strengthen Pickens, and let Sumter go. Our soldiers will find it healthier and more commodious at P
have the Powhatan sent there forthwith."
Mr. BATES was called upon, and stated that strengthening Sumter, without giving the Southerners four weeks' notice o
intention, would not, in his opinion, be unconstitutional.
At this juncture Mr. FLOYD (who, having acquired the habit of attending BUCHANAN'S cabinet meetings, had not qu
over it) put his head in for a moment to suggest, that if the Black Republican Government would evacuate all the forts
Southern territory, remunerate his friends for their expenses, and execute a quit-claim deed of Washington and the nati
property to JEFF. DAVIS and other Southern leaders, the proposition might possibly be accepted, and trouble avoided.
Mr. SEWARD rose to add only a word, and that word was "Pickens."
The Secretary of the Interior observed, that as Charleston harbor wasn't in his department, he would say nothing.
Mr. BATES urged that the people of his section were loyal to the flag; in fact, they not only wanted the flag but the Ca
and the national buildings (except the monument), removed to St. Louis; if they couldn't get that, they might be satisfie
Sumter were towed around there, up the Mississippi. It would certainly be a good deal safer there.
Mr. GIDEON WELLES wanted it distinctly understood that Gen. SCOTT, Gen. HOLT, Capt. FOX and the Powhatan
the country if Mr. SEWARD would let them; otherwise he would make a minute of these deliberations, and if his frien
YOUNG (whom he was pleased to see present) didn't expose it, he himself would put it in the shape of a lively sketch,
to the magazines.
"Well—now," said Mr. LINCOLN, after patiently waiting, "this reminds me of the man in Pomeroy, Ohio, who kept w
called an 'eating saloon.' One morning, a tall hoosier came in and called for ham and eggs. 'Can't giv 'em to ye, stranger
proprietor, 'but what'll ye hav' t'drink?—don't keep nothin' but a bar.' 'Yer don't? Then what'n thunder yer got that sign
for?' for the fellow was a little mad. 'Why yer see I call her a eating saloon, 'cos I reckon she eats up all the profits."
This beautiful and appropriate anecdote, which seemed to throw a flood of light upon the critical State question under
consideration, pleased every one except FLOYD, who swore it was ungenerous and unchivalric. Hastily withdrawing,
threatened to telegraph it verbatim to the insurgents; it would fire the Southern heart.
SEWARD said he was going home, as he had already sent the Powhatan to PICKENS.
Mr. LINCOLN yawned, and turning to me, inquired: "Well, SARSFIELD, you see what a man's got to do to run this
machine,—now what's your advice?"
"Your Excellency," I replied, "there's a man in the tanning business at Galena, in your State. Telegraph him at once. Hi
GRANT, and if you give him the tools to work with, he'll straighten everything out for you as neat as a pin."
The meeting dissolved without taking heed of my suggestion, and the world knows the result. However, there's one thi
proud of. I claim to have discovered GRANT four years before WASHBURN did. That's the secret why I can have any
want under the present administration.
SARSFIELD YOUNG.
To illustrate! The Italian opera is fashionable, though not one in ten of the peo
composing an average audience understand a word that is said or sung. The Fr
is less fashionable, but perhaps one-third of the audience can understand the le
ingenious of the indelicate jokes. The English opera is not fashionable, but eve
understand every word that Miss RICHINGS or Miss HERSEE pronounces. T
undoubtedly stand in the relation of cause and effect. Wherefore the axiom wi
this column begins.
To be sure, the words of an opera are a matter of very little consequence, the m
speaking as plainly as the clearest of Saxon sentences. But the fashionable pub
less of music than it knows of languages, and would be quite capable of mistak
Dio" for a comic song, and "Libiamo" for a lover's lamentation, were not the tr
libretto of Traviata at hand to supply them and the critics of the minor papers,
cue for the display of appropriate emotion. Singers, especially, understand the
of the above stated axiom. Hence, those who are deficient in voice avoid the E
stage. Miss KELLOGG, for example, never attempted English opera, because
that people who had heard ROSE HERSEE or CAROLINE RICHINGS would
her claim to be "the greatest living Prima Donna," should she compete with those birds of English song. Wherefore, sh
confined herself to the Italian stage, sure of pleasing a public that knows nothing of music, but is confident that a lady w
the friendship of Madison avenue must be a great singer. PAREPA, on the contrary, turned from the Italian to the Engl
stage,—but then PAREPA had a voice.
How many years is it since CAROLINE RICHINGS first sung in English opera? It is an ungallant question, but the ans
be still more ungallant were it not that Miss RICHINGS is an artist; and with artists the crown of youth never loses the
of its laurel leaves. At any rate, she has sung long enough to compel the recognition of her claims to our gratitude and a
She is not faultless in her method, but she differs from other great American prime donne in the important particular of
possessing voice enough to fill an auditorium larger than the average minstrel hall.
At present she is filling NIBLO'S GARDEN with her voice and its admirers. We go to hear her. PALMER and ZIMME
clad in velvet and fine linen, flit gorgeously about the lobby, and are mistaken, by rural visitors, for JIM FISK and HOR
GREELEY—concerning whom the tradition prevails in rural districts that they are clothed in a style materially d
from that affected by King Solomon at the period of his greatest glory. We find our seats, and mentally remarking that
is the one theatre in this city from which it would be possible to escape with whole bones and coat in case of fire, we aw
contented minds the lifting of the curtain.
In time the opera begins, and a select company of young men who are standing in the rear of the audience improve eve
opportunity for breaking into rapturous applause. Their zeal occasionally outruns their discretion, and they finally ruin
of Miss RICHINGS to execute a florid cadenza at the end of one of her arias. An intelligent usher is therefore detailed
them into a comprehension of their duties, after which they applaud with a discretion which produces almost exactly th
spontaneous enthusiasm.
Remarks a young lady near us, who is dressed with much wealth of contrasting colors:—"This isn't half so nice a
Italian opera. Miss RICHINGS can't dress half so nicely as Miss KELLOGG, and then you don't see any fashionable p
The DAVIDS, the ABRAHAMS, the AARONS, the NOAHS, that handsome Mr. JACOBS, and that delightful Mr.
MOSES,—all these elegant young men with beautiful eyes and curly hair that dress in velvet coats and diamond
studs—there isn't one of them here. Our best society never goes to any opera but the real Italian opera."
LIGHT-HAIRED YOUNG MAN.—"But, my dear, it seems to me that your best society must consist chiefly of
Jews—judging from the names you mention."
YOUNG LADY.—"Well, what if it does? They are rich, are they not? What more could you want?"
LIGHT-HAIRED YOUNG MAN.—"What, indeed! But the music is just as good as it would be if the fashionab
were here,—isn't it?"
SHE.—"The music as good! Why, Charles, everybody knows that the Italian opera music is perfectly lovely. Th
English, you know."
HE.—"It is precisely the same. Here the Somnmabula is sung with English instead of Italian words. That doesn't
single note."
SHE.—"You are too ridiculous! The idea of attempting to make me believe that this is just like the Italian Opera
suppose I knows anything about music?"
OLD GENTLEMAN.—"I heard CAROLINE RICHINGS sing in 1808,—I think it was. I tell you she sing
now tan she did then, but the stupid public never appreciated her. I recollect saying to KEAN—not CHARLES, y
but the KEAN—that I knew a young lady that would be a splendid singer some of these days—meaning
CAROLINE, of course. 'Well, sir,' says KEAN, 'what of it; you can't drink her, can you?' Gad! he was the best man for
ever knew. To give you an instance; one night KEAN and I, and old SMITH,—you don't remember old SMITH,
he played old men at the Boston Theatre sixty years ago; I never met a jollier fellow,—I remember his saying on
when JUNICS BOOTH was playing—let me see, what was the play; it wasn't the Apostate, I hardly think, for&#
Here the orchestra mercifully strikes up, and the big drum drums the garrulous monologue of the veteran theatrical obs
have another act of the opera, sung far better than any opera has been sung at the Academy for years. Pretty ROSE
HERSEE—when have we had a voice as pure, or a manner as charming as hers?—sings in this act, and he
closely resemble those of NILSSON in their exquisite purity, that we wonder how she has escaped the abuse of that "in
critical journal," the Season, until we notice a middle-aged gentleman sleeping quietly with a copy of the Season on his
remember that at NIBLO'S GARDEN the proprietor of the independent critical journal is permitted to distribute his me
soothing syrup, while at STEINWAY HALL a rival sheet is the only admitted programme.
And he answers, with the contemptuous, but obviously honest inquiry—"Who's WATSON?"
Really appalled by the suggestion that there exists a man with soul and things so completely dead as not to have heard
WATSON, I change my question and ask him: "Why does the Season abuse NILSSON?"
HE.—"The Season, my young friend, is a programme paper that is circulated gratuitously and depends for suppo
advertizing patronage. A few managers permit it to be circulated in their theatres; the remaining managers will not adm
Among the latter are Mr. WALLACK, and MAX STRAKOSCH. Consequently, the Season abuses WALLACK'S The
NILSSON'S concerts—asserting that Mr. WALLACK has a wretched company, and that Miss NILSSON has no
The Season is also a comic paper, and its best joke is its assertion that it is an 'independent critical journal.'"
SHE.—"Then I don't like Mozart. There was an Italian who wrote an opera that was all about Figaro,—the
Figaro was the name of it. Oh, it is perfectly splendid; ever so much prettier than this."
HE.—"Why, my dear girl, the Nozze di Figaro is the identical opera you are now hearing."
SHE.—"You are real disagreeable to-night, and I'm sorry I came with you."
RURAL PERSON.—"Well, if this is the opery, I don't mind sayin' I like it. Susan said I couldn't understand a w
gibberish these opery folks squawked, but it's just as plain as psalm-singing. Miss RICHIN and that HERSY gal are jus
tallest kind of singers. If we had 'em in our choir, the Baptist folks might shut up their meetin'-house to wunst."
ZIMMERMANN.—"When are we going to revive the Crook—did you ask? What do we want to revive it
the house full enough to-night to satisfy anybody?"
FRIEND OF THE THEATRE—"To be sure it is. Stick to this sort of thing, and you'll find it will pay better in th
any amount of legs. NIBLO'S is now a respectable theatre. Don't change it into an Anatomical Museum."
MATADOR.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
A Lover of Music. Our street musicians are growing worse and worse. There is a piper who infests the street in which I
sets my nerves on edge with his horrible droning. What am I to do with him?
Answer. put him in the waste-piper basket.
Aunt Carraway. The preparatory schools about which you inquire have nothing to do with the reformation of wicked p
the language made use of by your parrot is so dreadful that the cats have left the house in consequence of it, we are afra
bird is past reform. Try him with rats, and you may yet be renowned as the "female Whittington of the period."
Rebecca Hazeldown. It was very rude of the young man to stare at you through an aquarium, as you say he did. The litt
might have been flirting their tails at the time, however, and it is just possible that he might have taken you for one of t
A Horseman. After long observation, I am of opinion that the sudden collapse which so frequently occurs among omni
street-car horses, is to be attributed to the stupid but common practice of giving them water when they are overheated.
assist me in putting a stop to this?
Answer. We do not see why you should apply to PUNCHINELLO in the case. Have we not a Croton BERGH among u
Valetudinarian. To furnish you with a list of all the patent medicines advertised is quite out of our power. Suppose you
early every morning with your note-book, walk for seven or eight miles along the Bloomingdale Road, and make your
the innumerable inscriptions on the rocks in that vicinity. Do this for a month or two, and you will not care much about
when you have got it.
N.E. by S.W. We read that DEMOSTHENES used to put pebbles in his mouth, and spout while thus charged, to cure hi
thickness of utterance. Suffering from the same defect, I have tried the same remedy, but without success. Can you adv
the matter?
Answer. The most learned commentators agree that the statement about DEMOSTHENES' putting pebbles in his mout
figurative, and really meant that, when about to speak in public, he used to put a brick in his hat. The same thing is don
of our public speakers of the period—such as JOHN B. GOUGH, H. GREELEY, ANNA DICKINSON, and othe
moderately, and it may loosen your tongue.
Complimentary Chromatics
While all France is Blue with the prospects of the siege of Paris, we have constant accounts of the growing ascendency
Reds. We commend this to the nest scientific convention, as an evidence of the analogies which prevail in the physical
worlds.
When an artist visits a picturesque locality, why is the proceeding like an undecided prize-fight?
A RASH PROCEEDING.
On the last eleckshun day, I was servin as Inspecter of Eleckshun, when a passil of wimmen, drest partly in men's habil
walkt up to the ballit box.
They was headed by old SARY YOOMANS, who has been an old made for more'n 1/2 Sentury.
Steppin up close to the railin where votes is put in, Miss YOOMANS thus to me did say:—
"Square GREEN, wee've come to cast the soffrige of a down-trodden race: Will you receive our votes?"
"Do you know who we air, sir?" cride a long, leen, lank, rale-fence-lookin femail, whose nose looked as if sheed been
a bladder of black snuff.
"Well! sweet wolfs in lambs clothin," said I, puttin on one of my shrewed expreshuns, "you look as if you was a lot of,
strong-minded femails, who was up to snuff, but, in an endevor to scratch somebody bare-boned, you'd lost your footin
tumbled slap-bang into a coal-hole."
"We air, sir," says another ethereal-lookin hearthstun depopulater, "members of the Skeensboro Sore-eye-siss Society.
wimmens has got rites, which man won't let her have. We believe the ballit is calkilated to raise woman to her proper s
believe hoop-skirts and side-saddles will soon be numbered among the lost arts. We believe SOOZAN B. ANTHONY,
STANTON, WENDIL FILLIPS, or Mister BLACKWELL, are just as capable of bein President of this ere old Union, a
man which ever wore panterloons; and we air bound hensforth and forever, one and onseperable, to stand up for our rit
can only rope in enuff Congressmen to hold our bonnits."
Durin the a-4-said bust of elokence, about 75 wimmen was holdin ballits for me to take, while others were vilently swi
gingham parasols over my bald head.
All seemed as if they was jest bilin over to get their clutches about my breethin apparatus. Says I:
"Go hum and be femails, and don't make sich tarnal loonatix of yourself any longer, gittin mixed up with the body pole
sures you're born, when woman votes sheel trail her skirts in the dust and you cant stop her; when she walks up to the b
and undertakes to mix into suthin she don't know no more about, than TILTON and FULTON do about the golden rool
when that air time comes I will exclaim:
"What! miserable man, woodest-ist thou deny us the ballit?" screemed another femail, as she tore a 2-bushel waterfall f
head, and, wildly swingin it in the air, dirty stockins and old clothes fell into promiscous heeps all about her.
"With all doo respect to the sects," says I, gettin madder and madder all the while, "you can jest bet your Sunday close
woodest."
"Hard-harted old man, yool rue this day," they all cride in Koruss, and the hull lot commenced snivellin, as if their hart
busted.
"Kind, noble, beautiful sir! we langwish to cast our suffrages," says a big fat woman, about the size of a lode of hay, as
shoved her ballit under my nose.
"Madam," says I, swellin up with accumulated rage, "langwish and rip and tare things as much as you mindter—
stuff this ere ballit box with illegal votes as long as Ime boss of it—that's what's the matter—and I want yo
understand I mean bizzinezs."
At this they all started for the door, remarkin that I was an "old fool," "mouskiter," etketary &c.
"When the 16th commendment passes," said sweet ELIZER HEMPIHL, who is too pooty to be caught in sich company
call for your skalp, old man."
"Which topnot," was my reply, "wouldent furnish hair enough for a false eyebrow."
"My week-minded and misgided femails, hold your hosses a minnit, until an old statesman, who has served his country
as Gustise of the Peece, says a few remarks to you."
"When woman was taken out of man's ribs, it wasent calkilated she should lower herself by mixin into such dirty bizzin
you are up to to-day. Woman in her natural element, is jest one of the soothinest institutions in this ere land, which flow
milk-punch and houey-sope, and what poor miserable critters man would be without her.
"And who would haul off our butes nites, when we come home tired and demoralized, after havin a sett-to with lager-b
sweitzer?
"Agin, I remark, if it wasent for woman in her onadulterated state, before she had been made a tarnal fool of by these e
despoilers of man's happiness, MASKALINE WIMMEN, man would be a poor shiftless koot.
"Therefore, I say, go hum and resoom your abnormal condition. Get back into your own harniss, and don't undertake to
the bifurkated garments. It haint your forte, no more'n it is some of our public offishals to keep from steelin."
I rattled away at 'em in this stile, ontil I beheld the last pair of femail bifurkaters skoot for home, when I subsided into a
with my bandanner hankerchief wiped the perspiration from my noble brow.
The world is justly indignant at the accounts of the Chinese massacres of the missionaries who have perilled their lives
so far to teach them Christianity. Recently, for example, a young lady teacher from Boston was so terribly stoned by so
unregenerate little pig-tailed fiends in Canton, that she died the next day. It is dreadful to think how savage the instinct
heathen are.
P.S.—Since the above was set up in type, MR. PUNCHINELLO has learned that the Canton in which this occur
place is not in China, but is a thriving village in Norfolk county, Massachusetts, about eighteen miles from Boston, and
assailants were consequently not pig-tailed heathen, but genuine Christian children, who, in a few years, will belong to
cultivated voters of Massachusetts. This action, consequently, was not dictated by unregenerate barbarism, but was inte
simply as a protest (rough, we confess, but effectual, we trust) against these new-fangled ideas of women's rights. Wha
have women to be trying to teach? Let them stay at home, and if they want to know anything, ask their husbands, there
they are unmarried, let them wait until they get husbands. We must not let our natural gallantry interfere with our rever
respect for the rights of ignorance, which will eventually vote.
There is a city in Illinois called St. Genevieve. By some hocus-pocus known to accomplished politicians, this city has h
Mayor since the 4th of June, 1867. In the absence of definite information upon the subject, we take it for granted that S
Genevieve must be a most delightful place to live in, and specially so, because, as we are further informed, they have n
Aspiring Author. "Ah! You have read my essay? I hope the verdict is Favorable."
OUR PORTFOLIO.
Dear PUNCHINELLO:
There is gloom everywhere; applications to serve in the ranks have diminished, and the price of pocket-handkerchiefs h
increased. JULES FAVRE writes, under cover of confidence, to the prefect here, that since the interview of which I ga
account he has had a severe attack of gumboils, and despairs of softening the heart of BISMARCK. I stole the letter for
purpose of copying it, but it was stolen from me in turn by a nefarious emissary of the London Times, who has not how
dared to use it. The greatest activity is manifested in the making of balloons. The administration labors under the delus
and oiled silk may yet prove the Palladium of French liberty. I have remonstrated unavailingiy against this singular infa
held up to the Rump Council now sitting in this city the example of VICTOR HUGO as a fearful warning. He came fro
Guernsey under a pressure of gas; he entered Paris with the volatile essence oozing from every hair on his head; he loa
artillery of his rhetoric with gas; he blazed, away at the Germans with gas, and yet, unable to get rid of such afflatus fas
he exploded in the very midst of his pyrotechnics, and now lies high and dry on "this bank and shoal of time" like a ven
rhinoceros extinguished by its own snorting. I am sorry to say it, but the great peril of France at this moment is gas. To
GAMBETTA. Ah! yes, touching GAMBETTA. You may have heard that he has issued a proclamation or two. There a
in the soul of a Frenchman, where the inspiration of mighty words breeds like "flies in the shambles." Such a soul has
GAMBETTA. He is all language. If you were to cut him up in little bits and put each atom under a microscope, you wo
every molecule the text of some proclamation. The genii of syntax and prosody are his guardian angels, and the love of
is the be-all and the end-all of his political existence. He loves not GARIBALDI. He would have done violence to his
grandmother rather than consent to the invitation of the Italian liberator. For short, he calls him "GARRY." Standing in
the Hotel de Ville, talking to a group of eager listeners, with his arms wildly gesticulating and his nose contemptuously
towards the empyrean, he asks:
"Stop," I calmly interpollate, "profane not the high calling of the Italian hero with frivolous conundrums."
"Jerk that monster out of my sight!" roared GAMBETTA to a sergent de ville, and pointing his long, skinny fore-finge
me.
"You hear what he says. Do lunatic asylums exist in vain? Men of Tours, is there a 'jerkist' among you?"
They must have observed that my feelings were moved, for they came between me and the officer, as if to protect the l
'Twas a kind movement, but useless; as I couldn't have hurt him.
"Monsieur GAMBETTA," I then went on to say, "don't you think that this horrible epidemic of gas, that is now filling
deleterious effluvia the brains and the throat of the French Government, ought to be stopped? Don't you think, Monsieu
GAMBETTA, that you, yourself, could cut off your supply-pipe for a while and still have enough to light up with on p
occasions?"
I rested my right fore-finger upon one side of my nose and struck an attitude of interrogation while putting these questi
Minister's face turned to an ashen hue, and then the blood came coursing back like lava to the Crater's surface, without
through.
"Friend, calm yourself," I said: "Don't let the crabs run through your brain like that. Cool off. Take those hot coppers o
pantaloons and fan yourself a little. That's what's the matter with France, to-day. You Frenchmen fizzle, and crack, and
into the air, and otherwise get away with yourselves so fast, that no wonder the Germans can't always find you when th
you. Take my advice. Stop running red-hot pokers down your backs. Drink more Vichy water and less brandy. Keep yo
sky-rockets till next year. Lock your 'language' up in the dictionary. Send VICTOR HUGO back to England. Tie a chur
round GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN'S neck, and sink him off Toulon. Burn all your proclamations. Throw rhetoric to th
Put a head on the government that ain't full of torpedoes. Present a solid front to the enemy. Simmer down generally, a
reason to BISMARCK, and, on the honor of PUNCHINELLO, I can solemnly assure you that things won't be so 'speck
they now are."
Saying which, I gathered the drapery of my duster gracefully about me, and left.
DICK TINTO.
1.
CANTO XI.
This process does not seem to be as successful as usual: the ideas refuse to come at his bidding, and he glares around in
consternation, Can it be possible that he has exhausted himself; that his ideas are entirely run out; that the fountain is d
Muse has ceased to smile upon him; that he must descend from his high elevation as the poet of the family, the hope an
his friends and the admiration of himself, and sink to the level of his earthy brothers and become one of them, no better
worse? No—perish the thought! never again will he mingle with those rude and vulgar natures, having no though
feelings above their creature comforts: content to live like animals, uninspired by the divine afflatus, untouched by the
Full of determined energy never to yield the high position he has acquired, he rushes forth into the open air and takes h
way through the green meadows and leafy wilds. Here, sitting on the stump of an old tree, he spies little Bob Peepers, w
if his heart would break: the briny tears coursing down his ruddy cheeks form little rivulets of salt water with high emb
of genuine soil on either side, and a distracted map of a war-ridden country is depicted upon his grief-stricken countena
of compassion for the suffering, the tender heart of the Poet melts at the sight, and in mellifluous tones he asks, "What
matter, BUB?"
Sobbingly digging his fists into his eyes, and carefully wiping his classic nose on the sleeve of his jacket, the heart-bro
mourner murmurs:—
The sad tale so pathetically and ingenuously told melted the already simmering heart of the hearer, who counselled tran
and philosophy in the words
The laugh did them good. The poet perceived instantly he had a theme upon which to build his verse, and hastily biddin
"good-by," he flew exultingly to his paternal abode, rushed up the garret stairs, seized his goose-quill, and amid the tum
beatings of his over-charged heart and throbbing brain jotted down on the instant, in all the enthusiasm of poetic fervor
incident that had fallen under his inspired observation. Not to be too personal, and still to preserve the truthfulness of th
he dropped a few letters from BOB PEEPER'S name, while, with a wonderful accuracy unknown to modern writers, he
the subject of his verse, its misery, the remedy and result, and facetiously gives to the world the same cause for laughte
inspiration that he received so gratefully.
We had always considered JOHNNY CRAPAUD as the pink of politeness. But we are now satisfied that JOHNNY BU
ever so far ahead of him. We have never known that Frenchman yet, who would oblige his enemies by killing himself.
recent loss of the Captain shows that the noble Englishmen are prepared to do this by wholesale. One could wish our e
worse luck than to have a few such Captains given them. And how lavish the expenditure! It takes no end of money to
of those big iron-plated coffins. It is certainly a dramatic, auto-da-fé and a most obliging act, considered with reference
possible enemies. No Frenchman ever thought of such a thing. In fact, they go no further than positively declining to do
bad with their navy.
FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
"THERE WAS A SURPRISE PARTY AT No. 9,999 TWENTY-THIRD STREET LAST EVENING. UPON RETU
FROM THE OPERA, THE PROPRIETORS FOUND THEIR MANSION FULL, OF GUESTS."
A DRY SETTLEMENT.
There is a little young village in Denver which rejoices in the name of Greeley. To this place came a benevolent bar-ke
bringing a cheerful stock of whiskey. Down upon his grocery came the enraged Greeleyites, and to prevent their own s
from being burned, they burned the building. We can imagine these very particular pioneers passing a great variety of t
astonishing laws, with various penalties. For chewing tobacco—one month's imprisonment; for subscribing to T
Evening Post—death; while for the hideous misdemeanor of eating white bread, the offender would be left to the
THE FUNDING BILL, as a step towards making the Erie Canal free, should commend itself to any one, since if it beco
fact, it will, we fancy, prevent this noble industrial enterprise from becoming, like its first cousin, simply an eyrie for th
of finance.
AS MEN'S CLOTHES ARE CUT HOUR-GLASS FASHION NOW, PUNCHINELLO SUGGESTS THE ABOVE P
AS AN APPROPRIATE ONE FOR THEM.
A CHEERFUL SUBJECT.
According to an Ohio paper, a double child has been born to a couple named FINLEY, in Morrow county. It is, so to sp
double-ender, being provided with a supplementary head at the point where the feet are usually situated. The child is a
female-and a very curious amendment to the Sixteenth Amendment, since, should it arrive at woman's estate, it will, of
entitled to a double vote. How will it be should one end go Republican and the other Democratic? To send a duplex wo
the world seems to be a very unnecessary freak of Nature, seeing that there is enough of duplicity in womankind alread
Homoeopathic Politics.
THE CITIZENS' ASSOCIATION, finding that their sands of life are nearly run out, are now advertising privately for s
candidates, who for a salary will undertake to cure the ring-worms of the body politic by their pimple prescription of su
or putting yourself in their place, which is a political modification of the law in homoeopathic medicine, similie similib
errantur, or in morals, "set a rogue to catch a rogue."
NEW GOODS JUST RECEIVED, We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG &
CO'S
AT PRICES MUCH BELOW THE COST OF CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:
THE
SAME QUALITIES SOLD LAST YEAR. A copy of paper for one year, and
OFFER A copy of paper for one year and either of the following
$3.00 chromos:
Wide Plaid Poplins
at 25c. and 30c. per Yard, Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9.
recently sold at 85c. and 45c. Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.
Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for .....................
All Wool Serges $5.00
at 40c. per Yard;
last year's price, $1.
A copy of paper for one year and either of the following
High Colored Basket Cloths, $5.00 chromos:
75c. per Yard;
last year's jobbing price, $1.25. Group of Chickens;
Group of Ducklings;
Double Width, all Wool Plaids, Group of Quails.
Each 10 x 12-1/8.
64 inches wide,
at $1.60 per Yard;
last year's jobbing price, $2.25. The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14
9th and 10th Streets. A copy of paper for one year and either of the following
$7.50 chromos:
Address,
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., No. 34,
November 19, 1870, by Various
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