TeshuvaandTheModernJew

Study #3 - Is There Anybody Out There?

{High Holiday Prayers in a World of Doubt}

jrosenfeld@lss.org
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1. R. Yair Dreyfus, Marraige of the Lost: A New Reading of the Tale of the Seven
Beggars (Efrata: 2011)

The only real thing that exists for me right now is the void. Of it, I can say many things, but
it all remains as mere commentary - to call it the empty space, to speak of faith that springs
from the nothingness, etc. From my perspective, this kind of talk closes in on itself. I cannot
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say, or more correctly, do not believe that it reveals or creates anything more than that
[mere talk].
Regarding the question of whether God exists or not, I dont even attempt to answer it. I
cannot succeed in finding some sort of point of contact with this level, however, I cannot
completely negate it either. To me at least, it seems ridiculous, all these attempts with proofs
and codes as such, or to ascribe certain phenomena or events to providence. Chaos and the
Absurd are much more palpable to me than attempts in finding some sort of order

What matters to me is the interpretation/explanation that I can give to things. As it stands
today, the words God, Faith, Holiness have no impact upon me. I dont understand them,
and it seems that I never did. I am not able to give them any tangible meaning at all. They
are obliterated in this vast void.
The void is too vast. I always had difficulty with the talk of spiritual jumps which brought
an attendant new understanding and revelation. I just cannot see that happening. The
thought that such a thing is possible fades in the infinite chasm that gashes through the best
I can do is to simply fall, without much hope in getting to the other side. Perhaps in the end, I
will actually get somewhere, Im not sure where, but I am not prepared to hope for it.

Iremained,lostinoblivion
MyfaceIreclinedontheBeloved.
AllceasedandIabandonedmyself,
Leavingmycares
forgottenamongthelilies.
St.JohnoftheCrossDarkNightoftheSoul



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2. R. Shagar, In the Shadow of Faith: Essays for the Holiday of Sukkot (Efrata: 2011)

I dont accept existence/reality. I am embittered regarding it, and live in a constant state of
fracture - a refusnik of reality. Optimism and faith seem in my eyes as cop-outs,
resignation, and it is from the suffering that I draw my strengths

3. R. Nahman of Breslov, Likkutei MoHaRaN no. 26

Where does the spirit exit from a shell within which the embryo has died? And he said - from
where it came in They asked him: The Tzaddik who kills himself and self-sacrifices in his
prayers and beseeching [beiuta = beseeching, beiah = egg] God - - at which place in Tefillah
should he exert himself the most? He answered: where he came in, that is to say, the place
in which he may/must raise the sparks of holiness are the places in which the strange
thoughts came in therefore he must raise them up and it is specifically there in which he
must self-sacrifice, as is known.

There is so much deep contradiction in my soul. Such deep longing for God - so deep that it is painful
- a suffering continual - and yet not wanted by God - repulsed - empty - no faith - no love - no zeal.
Souls hold no attraction - Heaven means nothing - to me it looks like an empty place - the thought of
it means nothing to me and yet this torturing longing for God. Pray for me please that I keep smiling
at Him in spite of everything. For I am only His - so He has every right over me. I am perfectly happy
to be nobody even to God. . . .
Mother Teresa, Letter to Archbishop Perier, 2.28.57 (From: Come Be My Light, p. 169)





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4. R. Schneur Zalman of Liady, Likkutei Torah (Behukotai p. 49)

There are times in which a person stands in prayer and wishes to connect/come close/cleave
to his creator and yet, against his will, strange thoughts fall upon him yet, these are his
own thoughts which he thought about willingly when it was not the time of prayer, and now
they come to him against his will Something which he did not want at all, never.
They fell upon him during the time of prayer specifically because this is the time which he
wanted to elevate himself and connect, and thus they trail after him like one who wears a
long garment whose end is dragged in mud behind him. When he wants to ascend a ladder
now the muddy garments ascend with him and the mud soon gets all over him...

5. R. Yaakov Yosef of Polonoye, Ben Porat Yosef (Beshalah p. 53)

However, at times there are thoughts one must push away, and if you desire to know how to
identify such thoughts, which to push away and which to draw near, one should ascertain if
at the time the [negative] thought came in, the rectification of that thought emerged as well -
then one should embrace the thought and raise it up And in this way we may understand
the case of the embryo which died in the shell - from where does the spirit emerge?, that is
to say, the thought that came in the midst of prayer - which is called beitzah, that dies -
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that is, which is pushed away where does the spirit emerge? - that is, how can we simply
kill off and negate an entire avenue of thought? Therefore we teach - to the place in which it
entered - that is, just as it entered ones mind to confuse and confound and to push us away
that is how it goes out, that a person has the right to completely repudiate it [to disregard
it/leave it unconsidered].

6 . R. Natan of Nemirov, Sihot ha-RaN no. 35

He said there is a great/epic heresy that is sweeping the world and he acknowledge that
despite all the prognostications and calls to strengthen in faith, in any event the heresy still
grows stronger and stronger...

when he kneels at other times and prays or meditates or tries to achieve a

Big-Picture spiritual understanding of a God as he can understand Him, he feels
Nothing not nothing, but Nothing, an edgeless blankness that somehow feels
worse than the sort of unconsidered atheism he came In with.
David Foster Wallace Infinite Jest, p. 448

7. R. Leibele Eiger, Torat Emet (Behukotai p. 34)

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Why is the question mentioned at all in the Torah? Wasnt it enough for God himself to
promise that he will provide blessings in the 7th year? ...rather, the questioning is referring to
the one who is seeking faith their heart pines for wholeness and tranquility, for this fullness
of faith they no longer perceive Gods providence in a revealed and open way these are
the things which are hidden from man.
...In fact, the definition of a Tzaddik in all matters is specifically because wild, spiritually
deleterious and false imaginings/wonderments/illusions/things arise in his thoughts from the
otherside...



8. R. Menahem Hai Shalom Froman (attributed)


Expose yourself to yourself to your deepest fear. After that, fear has no power,
and fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Jim Morrison (From - The Doors: The Illustrated History)

9. Isaiah 58
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William James The Sentiment of Rationality, in The Will to Believe and Other Essays in Popular
Philosophy (Norwood, Mass: Plimpton Press, 1896), 96-7.



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