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Copyright Mark Scott and HowToReadaMan.com
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!ook.
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Table Of Contents
Section 1
Why Men Dont Express
Themselves More Clearly_________________13
Section 2
Men Dont Have a Clue_________________21
Section 3
Ho Men !perate ___________________3"
Section #
What $espect Means to a Man______________3%
Section %
&re 'ou His Mate or His Mother(_____________#)
Section *
+n,erstan,in- The Male
.an-ua-e_______________________%*
3
Section /
Ho to Ma0e Him !pen +p an,
Tal0 &1out His 2ro1lems_________________/3
Section )
Why ,oes con3lict happen
an, ho to tac0le it( __________________)/
Section 4
What to Do When He
With,ras 3rom 'ou __________________1"*
Section 1"
Thin-s &1out Men 'ou &lays Wante,
to 5no 6ut 7ever +n,erstoo, _____________12"
8inal Wor,s _____________________1#)
4
9ntro,uction:

%hen it comes to men# do yo" eel like yo"&ve oten !een waiting
or yo"r ship to come in# and then ind o"t he was traveling !y train
all along' %ell# yo"&re not alone.

(t&s long !een commonly tho"ght that $"st when a man thinks he
knows a woman# all he knows is he doesn&t know anything. )o"
constantly hear g"ys talking a!o"t how women are impossi!le to
ig"re o"t. *ikewise# yo" oten hear women gro"p all g"ys together
!eca"se o the actions o a ew.

( yo"&re reading this !ook# chances are that yo" either eel like yo"
may have made a mistake getting into yo"r c"rrent relationship or
marriage# or yo"&re simply trying to get some insight into the male
mind. ( hope it&s the latter.

Any relationship yo" "ndertake sho"ld !e taken serio"sly.
+"rthermore# it sho"ld !e taken serio"sly !y !oth o yo", (n many
relationships# women eel like they do all the -work. or that they&re
the only ones who care whether or not the two o yo" are a!le to
work thro"gh pro!lems that may arise. (&m here to tell yo" that this
too is not always the case. Altho"gh sadly# this is the case the
ma$ority o the time.

(&m here to help yo" to decipher the male mind# and to give yo"
some insight into the vario"s types o men and how they think.
Contrary to pop"lar !elie# not -all men are alike.. /"st like women#
they vary widely. Some $"st prove it !etter than others.

( yo"&re reading this !ook# then ( already know a ew things a!o"t
yo". 0oes any o this so"nd amiliar'

)o"&re araid that yo"&re on the c"sp o losing him to some
yo"nger# !etter1looking !im!o.
5

)o" eel as i yo" have a ton to oer him# !"t that he doesn&t
take yo" serio"sly or he sees prod"ctive comm"nication as
"nneeded drama.

)o"&re everything a g"y descri!es when he says or writes what
he&s looking or in a woman# !"t yo" are worried that since yo"&ve
gained a ew e2tra po"nds or some other perceived -law#. he&ll r"n
or the hills at any moment.

All yo" want to do is !e happy with yo"r man and die happily
ever ater# !"t yo" ear that yo"&re the only one that eels that way.

)o" cannot# or the lie o yo"# ig"re o"t what the hell is wrong
with him3or yo"rsel,

%ell# as ( said# yo"&re not alone. +"rthermore# men go thro"gh the
same thing. (&m not saying this to make yo" eel !etter. (t&s pain"lly
tr"e. 4ver heard the adage# -Nice g"ys inish last.' (t didn&t come
a!o"t rom thin air. (t&s !ased on e2tremely common !ehavior.

%hat most o the men in the world don&t reali5e is that women go
thro"gh it too, Not only that# !"t most women won&t admit it either
6at least not o"t lo"d.7

This 2ro-ram is 7!T &1out Chan-in- 'our Man

( yo" are hoping that yo" will !e a!le to magically change yo"r
man overnight# yo" are only daydreaming. +act8 9eople don:t
change when we want them to change. ( they:re going to change#
it&s !eca"se they want to change or their own needs# wants or
desire to get o"t o a certain pattern in lie.

This program will teach yo" how to change yo"rsel in a way where
it !eneits !oth yo" and yo"r man.
6

Soon# yo"&ll reali5e that changing yo"rsel isn&t act"ally o"tright
change# !"t growth. A relationship takes two# and when yo"&re
committed to someone# each o yo" m"st conorm and compromise
a !it. S"ccess"l relationships are a!o"t adapting to each other.
)o"&ll notice a marked improvement in yo"r relationship
a"tomatically.

(n order or things to improve# yo" have to reali5e that there are
things that yo"&ve always ass"med or tho"ght yo" knew# !"t were
$"st lat wrong. )o" will have to do things that seem to go in the
ace o the person yo"&ve always !een. )o" have to !e open to new
ideas and concepts.

)o" have to go into it with an open mind; a mind that accepts
change and diversity; a mind that seeks opport"nity to evolve and
reali5e its potential. S"cc"m!ing to change isn&t a weakness; it&s a
strength. (t&s a strength that proves yo"&re in it or the long ha"l
and yo" tr"ly care a!o"t yo"r mate. He# in t"rn# sho"ld have the
same devotion to the goal.

)o" m"st irst acknowledge that yo" can&t and won&t change yo"r
man. S"re# he may evolve and grow alongside o yo" at the same
time# !"t one thing that has always driven men mad' The act that
women get to know "s# develop eelings or "s# date "s# and
!ecome committed to "s# only to spend the rest o their days trying
to change "s,

)o" can&t make a man do certain things# nor can yo" make him
ollow certain ha!its. All yo" can do is comm"nicate yo"r views#
wishes and desires# and hope or the !est. )o" also can&t control the
tho"ghts that go thro"gh his pretty little head# regardless o how
hard yo" try. *ike ( said# yo" can make re<"ests o him# !"t yo"
can&t e2pect him to a"tomatically go along with those re<"ests with
little to no changes.

(t&s e2tremely important that yo" reali5e that i yo" ail to
"nderstand what (&ve said# and will say# yo" r"n a very real risk o
7
alling into the category o a manip"lator. And that&s most certainly
not what yo" will learn in this program.[J1]

What 'ou Will .earn With This 2ro-ram

)o"&ll learn smart# prod"ctive ways o handling vario"s sit"ations
with men. )o"&ll learn ways that will almost always get yo" the
res"lt yo" seek. (n other words# this program will reveal ways that
will inspire yo"r man to p"t his !est sel orward aro"nd yo". They
will make him want to !e the man that yo" desire.

Ater going thro"gh this program and applying it# yo" will discover
what tr"ly goes on in the oten1mis"nderstood and con"sing mind
o a man. )o"&ll ind that most o his pec"liar ways have good
reasons !ehind them. )o"&ll reali5e where yo"&ve mistakenly
ass"med something ar less meaning"l within yo"r man# and yo"&ll
appreciate and "nderstand his depth to a m"ch higher degree than
yo" ever tho"ght possi!le. )o"&ll know what makes him tick.

A S"!tle %arning8 There are e2ceptions to every r"le. There are
men o"t there who are simply gen"ine $erks who want to make
yo"r lie hell. There are g"ys o"t there who will !e orever trapped
in their childish or st"!!orn ways# re"sing to change. ( yo"&re
c"rrently st"ck in a dead1end relationship with s"ch a g"y# then get
o"t o it now. He doesn&t deserve yo"r devotion and hard work i he
won&t react and reply in kind. At the very least# !y the time yo"&ve
inished reading this program# yo"&ll have a m"ch !etter idea which
type yo"r g"y is.

Why Do 9 Have to .earn &1out Him( Why Cant He .earn
&1out Me(

Men attempt to learn a!o"t yo"# !"t this doesn&t mean that yo"
sho"ldn&t try to learn a!o"t him as well. %omen as a whole tend to
!e more emotional and tho"ght"l. This oten drives yo" insane
8
rom over1thinking things and getting nowhere# correct' That&s
where this program comes in and saves the day. )o" will inally
know what he&s thinking# and more importantly# why he&s thinking it.
)o" will likely come to know him !etter than he knows himsel.

+ig"ring yo"r g"y o"t will no longer !e work or -drama#. !"t
interesting and insight"l. )o"&ll ind yo"rsel !ecoming ascinated at
$"st what makes him tick.

)o" essentially have two choices8

1. =e orever con"sed and !e"ddled a!o"t men# !ecoming
irritated every time yo" witness one o his -%hy does he
!ehave like that','. moments#

or

2. Stock yo"r arsenal with the tools and e<"ipment to learn
and "nderstand him# and then start "sing them to yo"r
advantage.

/"st try and imagine a lie where yo" "nderstand him so well that
yo" act"ally come o"t ahead. )o"&ll !e so amiliar with what&s going
on in his mind that yo"&ll always know how to approach him#
regardless o the reason or doing so. )o"&ll !e a!le to !e more
conident heading into those moments and have a !etter idea o
how they&ll end than ever !eore.

)o"&ll see how yo" have the power and the advantage over yo"r
man. )o" will !e asto"nded at the levels to which he will then start
to want to please yo" and keep yo" happy and drama1ree. (t will
act"ally give yo" an "pper hand in the relationship.

Tr"st me# ( know what it&s like to have r"stration along with
complete and "tter ignorance a!o"t how a mate thinks. (t !ecomes
a !"rden that is too m"ch to !ear# and this can severely
9
overshadow yo"r en$oyment with him. Not knowing how yo"r g"y
thinks leads to pain"l eelings. This is why (&m doing this. )o"
deserve to !e happy and content.

What Happens When 'ou Dont +n,erstan, 'our Man(

%hat happens when yo" simply don&t get him' )o"r r"stration
t"rns to resentment. This resentment starts to contaminate the air
!etween the two o yo"# which will event"ally drive him away. The
very man yo"&re trying to ig"re o"t and !ecome closer to will r"n
or the hills when it seems yo"&ve t"rned into a cra5y woman over
the slightest hicc"ps and !"mps along the path o yo"r $o"rney
together. (t t"rns yo"r warm and happy intentions into something
that&s more compara!le to contempt. (t so"rs yo".

Answer me this8 How many times have yo" tried to po"r yo"r heart
o"t to yo"r man# only to have him almost immediately get deensive
and act as i yo"&ve acc"sed him o something' He then acc"ses
yo" o over1thinking# over1analy5ing and>or living in the past# right'

He !asically tells yo" to !"ild a !ridge and get over it# and then
less1than1respect"lly s"ggests yo" get a grip' )o" don&t have to
answer. ( already know the answer is a reso"nding -)es,.

That resentment ( spoke previo"sly is the res"lt o having -!"ilt that
!ridge. long ago and crossing it co"ntless times# only to reali5e that
every time yo" got across# yo"&ve never let, )o"&re trapped in an
endless loop ca"sed !y yo"r !"ild"p o negative eelings. The
longer yo" go witho"t "nderstanding# the more tiring the mere
tho"ght o crossing that !ridge !ecomes. )o" start to develop a
-why !other'. attit"de whether yo" reali5e it or not.

)o"&ve oicially developed a state o mind called Negative 4motion
?verload. No# it&s not a personiied version o a comp"ter vir"s. (t&s
when yo"r !"ild"p o anger# r"stration and pain in dealing with
yo"r man starts to override any and all pleasant tho"ghts a!o"t
him.
10

Think o yo"r !rain and emotions as a comp"ter&s hard drive. As yo"
s"r the %orld %ide %e! that is yo"r -happy place. and come "p
with more and more with pages and pages o irrelevant res"lts#
yo"r hard drive !egins to ill "p. 4vent"ally# the pleasant tho"ghts
are overidden with disdain and heartache# and yo"r positive o"tlook
!ecomes replaced with negative emotions and tho"ghts. *ike a hard
drive# recovering that replaced -happy data. can !e done# !"t it
takes work. )o"&ve taken the irst step.

?nce this occ"rs# yo" lash o"t or what seems to !e no reason. )o"
!ecome the one who has the pro!lem. Alternatively# yo" may p"t
"p an emotional road !lock# no longer letting him in. )o" may ind
yo"rsel !ecoming mentally "n!alanced. )o" !ecome e2tremely
emotionally distant. And yo" lose him in the process.

Why Di, This Happen(

There&s a very common misconception that the way one shows and
proves their love or another is the way that everyone sho"ld show
and prove it. (n other words# they e2pect that the way they
themselves# show love is the -normal. way. This is where everyone
misses one o the main points8 Men and women are dierent, This
makes neither right nor wrong $"st dierent.

/"st as yo" may regard the way yo"r g"y shows his love or yo" as
lacking or odd# he may well think the same thing o yo"r way. )o"
simply have to em!race the act that yo"&re two dierent people
that react and !ehave dierently. (t&s what the two o yo" choose to
do with those dierences that matters.

( yo" hope to make yo"r relationship work# yo" need to
acknowledge and accept these dierences or what they are.
(&m s"re yo"&ve noticed the act that anytime yo"&re in a relationship
ater a ew months or years# the magic or newness wears o. No
longer is he as patient# loving or "nderstanding as he once was. )o"
may not reali5e it# !"t yo" "s"ally aren&t either# at least not like in
11
the !eginning o yo"r relationship.
%hy is this' (t&s simple# really8 )o" !ecome amiliar with each other.
%hile we all wish that this new# !reathtaking eeling co"ld last a
lietime# men and women !oth !egin to e2pect certain !ehavior
rom the one another. %hen they don&t get what they e2pect# they
!egin to see it as an annoyance# even i $"st a small one. %e e2pect
someone to act in the the way that we deem normal.

(n a relationship&s !eginnings# we&re all -g"ilty. o !eing
e2ceptionally polite# patient and more easygoing than "s"al. %e do
this as a way to get to know each other and accept their dierences
and <"irks. ?ver time# we give more oc"s to these dierences and
<"irks# and some o "s sei5e on them. ?thers accept them or who
they are and !"ild rom it. (t is those that do the latter that s"cceed
more oten.
12
Section: 1
Why Men Dont Express Themselves More Clearly
Since the !eginning o organi5ed c"lt"res many# many moons ago#
men were leaders# organi5ers# providers# warriors# h"nters and
athers. +rom the start# men have had a certain level o
e2pectations waged at them. =eca"se o these e2pectations# any
perceived weakness in a man co"ld !e detrimental. This !asically
sealed away the average man&s emotions.

%hen yo" try to get to those emotions# most men instinctively keep
their -weaker. emotions t"cked away !ehind their prover!ial shields
and swords. S"re# !laming this on o"r ancestors may seem like a
cop1o"t# !"t it makes it no less tr"e.

+or many generations# men were raised with dierent standards.
Some were raised to show more mental strength and emotional
sta!ility# while others were raised with the lion&s share o the oc"s
on !eing a provider. And others were raised to never tr"st a woman
or anyone else or that matter. 4ach man has had his own set o
r"les and e2pectations ta"ght to him thro"gh generations o men.

Think o it this way# or e2ample8 *et&s say there was a tale o an
almighty con<"eror o armies o men. His legacy was shared or
eons and incl"ded !rave deeds s"ch as leading @AA men into !attles
against @A#AAA. His rep"tation or acing adversity head1on and with
his head held high regardless o his chances o s"ccess is what
made him the man that all so"ght to !ecome.

13
Now# imagine that secret writings s"raced that shed light on the
act that this mighty and !rave warrior a!sol"tely and "nwaveringly
eared spiders. (magine doc"mented stories that proved that he
wo"ld oten all into a <"ivering mass o tears and shrieks at the
mere site o one. %o"ld that tarnish his image' )o" !et it wo"ld.

%ell# men will take some emotions 6s"ch as sadness# ear# etc7 and
see them as weaknesses# treating every last one o them as
possi!le threats to his honor and legacy. Some wo"ld rather risk
!eing seen as an "ncaring and "neeling !r"te than a sensitive#
tho"ght"l# less -manly. man.

=esides "p!ringing# society is oten to !lame as well. An emotional
man is seen as less sta!le and less dependa!le. He&s seen as
someone who may crack "nder press"re and severely lack as a
provider or protector.

Take it rom a man8 Men h"rt. Men can cr"m!le inside and ace the
greatest adversities with ear and dread# !"t i he dares to show it
on the o"tside# he risks his rep"tation and his standing in the
comm"nity or society as a whole. Rather than risk this# many men
simply try to !lock things o"t and sh"t their emotions down.

=ack to "p!ringing or a moment8 %hat happens when a little girl
cries' Hearts !reak and people r"sh to their aid# scooping them "p
to c"ddle and reass"re them. %hat happens when a little !oy cries'
More oten than yo" reali5e# they&re told to grow "p# man "p# or
walk it o.

+rom a very early age# o"r emotions are stiled. Can yo" see how
this may create some adverse and relationship1aecting traits'

%e&re ta"ght time and time again to !e emotional# !"t to most
certainly not show it too oten. Rather than try and !l"r the line
!etween normal and -too oten#. many men will simply err on the
side o ca"tion and not show any emotions at all.

14
Now# imagine yo" and yo"r g"y $"st had a partic"larly heated
arg"ment. )o" !oth said things in the heat o the moment that yo"
didn&t mean# and the arg"ment inally reach a moment where he
$"st walks o. %hat "s"ally happens once the anger s"!sides'

(&ll answer that or yo"8 The g"y "s"ally tries to act as i nothing
m"ch has happened and goes on to work or a!o"t his !"siness or
pleas"re. (t&s either that or he stays angry longer. Now# what do
women generally do' %omen "s"ally want to p"ll their hair o"t#
have a damn good cry# and possi!ly even contact close riends or
amily or a s"pport system.

Conlict generally weighs more on women and sticks with them
longer. 0oes this make them weak' Hell no, Not one iota. ="t try to
imagine a man doing that.

=o!' Michelle and ( $"st had a !ig ight# man. Can ( come over and
cry on yo"r co"ch'.

%hat was yo"r irst reaction reading that' )o" likely rolled yo"r
eyes. )o" most likely tho"ght# -?h# gee5. Bet a grip# d"de,. Right'
%ell# welcome to the everyday lie o a man.

%hile the a!ove scenario is p"rpose"lly !lown o"t o proportion#
yo" can see my point. ( the roles were the same ater a heated
disc"ssion# yo"&d pro!a!ly see him as a w"ss. %omen claim that
they want a man who isn&t araid to show emotion# !"t many oten
sh"dder when they see them.

The key is a delicate !alance o emotional strength and real#
h"man# honest1to1goodness release. ="t# when' %here' How' How
m"ch' Herein lies the pro!lem men ace every single day.

This is why many men don&t $"st rela2 and share every acet o
themselves. %hen they do# they risk overdoing it and !eing seen as
weak.

15
Contrary to 2opular 6elie3 ; Men Do Have Emotions

Many !elieve men are emotionless# "neeling !eings. This simply
isn&t the case. Men can eel and e2perience $"st as m"ch ear and
"neasiness as any woman. They can eel heart1wrenching loneliness
$"st as oten. The dierence is that we aren&t raised to show it as
openly. 0oing so sends "s !ack to the days o o"r childhood and
r"nning to a parent to doctor "s.

+"rthermore# more oten than not we&re geared to !e the ones
doing the comorting# not the ones needing to !e comorted.
Benerations o men have !een raised and wired this way. %e simply
can&t help it.

There are a!sol"tely e2ceptions# !"t the pro!lem lies in trying to !e
one o the e2ceptions witho"t !eing $"dged or seen as less o a
man. (t eels like a can&t1win sit"ation# regardless o which we
choose. 0o we !ecome the man yo" deserve and long or or do we
do what&s e2pected o "s !y the ma$ority' The answer isn&t as c"t1
and1dry as yo" think. (t so"nds as i this makes yo" -$"st another
pretty ace in the crowd#. !"t ( can ass"re yo" that this isn&t the
case.

+or the most part# women tend to !e ar more in t"ne with the
emotions o those aro"nd them. )o" can "s"ally tell when someone
is h"rting# angry or otherwise not themselves. Most men# on the
other hand# are likely notice it# and t"ne it o"t rather than ace it.

%hat "s"ally happens when there&s a pro!lem' At the very least#
yo" take some time to gather yo"r tho"ghts and create some
sem!lance o coherent tho"ght. )o" then "s"ally want to sit down
as ad"lts and disc"ss everything in a calm and collected manner.
%hat does he "s"ally say' -Not now# honey#. and gives some
e2c"se as to why he can&t.

Men generally eel that i they avoid dealing with or disc"ssing a
pro!lem# it will $"st die down or go away with time. (n other words#
16
they eel the e2act opposite way that women do, =eing a man
mysel# it can drive me $"st insane to see s"ch !ehavior# !"t (# like
yo"# have to reali5e that (&m in the minority. (t also doesn&t help
ease the r"stration one !it. ="t stick with me here.

!pen Women vs< 9nternali=e, Men

%hether it&s good# !ad or indierent# i a woman is eeling an
emotion# she&s more likely to show it than a man.

*et me give yo" another e2ample.

*et&s say a woman worked hard or a company and tho"ght that# at
long last# she was going to !e recogni5ed or it and rewarded with a
promotion to the new e2ec"tive slot that $"st opened "p. The pay is
twice her c"rrent salary and she eels that she darn well earned it.
She towers over and a!ove the <"aliications that the position
re<"ires# and her res"lts ar e2ceed those o her coworkers.

Now# imagine that woman not only didn&t get that promotion# !"t
was she laid o too. The $o! was given to someone rom the
o"tside# and the years she devoted to the company seem to have
meant nothing. %hat do yo" think her reaction and !ehavior wo"ld
!e' Hal devastated and hal livid# most likely.

Now# imagine a man in the same sit"ation. %hat wo"ld his reaction
and !ehavior !e' 9ro!a!ly e2actly the same as the woman. The
man and woman wo"ld likely take it the same way# e2cept one or
one dierence8 the way in which each o them moved on rom
there.

The irst thing they&d each do is drive the seemingly never1ending
trip home. Their minds wo"ld !e n"m! and racing with tho"ghts o
panic at the same time. %hen they get home# however# the
dierence wo"ld then !ecome clearer.

17
The woman wo"ld normally get home and immediately tell her
mate# or call a dear riend or relative to seek emotional s"pport.
She&d vent her anger and release her sorrow onto the willing
sho"lder o someone who cared.

?n the other hand# a man is more likely to get home# gra! a drink
and act as i everything is normal. He&s more likely to try and
act"ally hide the act rom his wie# girlriend or roommates. He
won&t seek o"t that moral s"pport# and he will try to deal with it in
his own little way in his own time.

(n his eyes# however inacc"rate it may !e# he# eels like he ailed as
a man# and "rthermore# a h"man !eing or not only losing the
promotion# !"t his $o! To seek the same emotional s"pport rom
those caring individ"als aro"nd him wo"ld !e openly admitting to
himsel and the world that he is gasp h"man, Most men wo"ld
rather die 6ig"ratively# o co"rse7 than admit this.

?n the same token# as with the child scenarios earlier# most people
are ar more comorta!le with trying to console and n"rt"re a
woman# while many eel too awkward and helpless when trying to
lit the spirits o a man. Sho"ld they h"g him' Sho"ld they simply
stay <"iet and let him get it o"t' Most don&t know# and sadly# the
men themselves don&t normally know either.

Men Dont Want to &ppear >ulnera1le !r Wea0

Men $"st downright wait "ntil they don&t have any choice !"t to
seek s"pport or help !eore they will look or it. =y this time# it&s
"s"ally a lot more diic"lt to help him. He&s gone so ar downhill in
his emotional tailspin that he doesn&t have a cl"e where to start.
+"rthermore# while he&s in this state# what may have worked to help
him in the early stages o his dilemma may not !e as eective now#
i at all.

Men $"st do not want to appear weak# so they sh"t down almost
completely a lot o the time.
18

Ho Men Express Their Emotions

( yo" have a p"lse# yo" know that we h"mans have o"r !asic
emotions8 $oy# anger# despair and ear. %hat separates the se2es is
how these emotions are shown.

+or the average man# it&s only socially accepta!le or him to show
two o the emotions8 $oy and anger. 0espair is seen as a weakness#
and ear isn&t even in his voca!"lary# at least not o"twardly. Almost
anything o"tside o happiness and anger are considered less
masc"line or even eminine traits.

%hile they are e2tremely common or all o "s to eel# sadness and
ear are deemed accepta!le !ehavior !y women# !"t when a man
shows signs o these two emotions# he&s seen as weaker than his
more sta!le male co"nterparts.

=eca"se o this# most men will decide conscio"sly or s"!conscio"sly
to show their emotions in a nonver!al way. A rightened or worried
man will likely get e2tremely <"iet. He&s most likely trying to calm
himsel or rationali5e what&s going on. He&s trying to come to grips
with the sit"ation and ind a way to resolve it.

?n the other hand# when it comes to sadness# the male role in
society is "s"ally that o the protector and comorter. +or e2ample#
at a "neral it is "s"ally the man who is consoling the mo"rning
relatives and riends.

The men the pall!earers and "neral directors. They are the ones
trying to take control o the sit"ation and keeping emotions in check
or !oth themselves and others.

So i yo"r man s"ddenly gets very <"iet or changes !etween harsh
and mellow emotions# he&s sending yo" a message. He&s $"st doing
it in a nonver!al way.
19

Right a!o"t now# yo"r likely asking# -%ell# then how the heck do (
know what he&s eeling i he won&t talk a!o"t it or e2press it more
openly'.

%ell# to that# all ( can say is keep reading,

2oints to $emem1er:
Since the !eginning o time# men have !een !red to -man "p.
and take charge.

Most men wo"ld rather !e seen as "ncaring and tho"ghtless
than weak and v"lnera!le.

Men will more oten err on the side o not showing any emotion#
rather than risk showing them too oten.

%hen dealing with a pro!lem in a relationship# most men will
normally sh"t down or act as i nothing is wrong. They think time
will i2 the pro!lem.

%omen are more apt to o"twardly show their emotions# while
men will "s"ally internali5e them.

%hen a man does ask or help# it&s likely that he has needed it
long !eore now# !"t didn&t want to admit it. He simply didn&t want
to appear weak.

Men are less likely to "se words to show their emotions. Rather#
they tend to "se nonver!al means.
20
Section: 2
Men Dont Have a Clue

How many times have yo" elt a certain way or wanted to reach a
certain goal# only to reali5e yo"r g"y doesn&t have an inkling o an
idea a!o"t what yo"&re trying to say# imply# or accomplish when yo"
attempt to talk with him a!o"t it'

Sometimes it&s hard to dierentiate !etween sheer st"pidity# "tter
lack o caring# and $"st the act that he&s a g"y. Some wo"ld arg"e
that it&s a mi2t"re o all three. ="t that wo"ld !e making a !lanket
statement a!o"t all men which is precisely what we&re trying to
change here.

%hat may !e e2tremely important to yo" may !e less than trivial to
him# and vice versa. How many times have yo" heard the words
-(&m not a mind1reader, )o" have to tell me,.

Sadly# this makes "s seem like the thickest# most o"t o to"ch
!eings on the planet# !"t it&s simply !eca"se we think dierently.
Again# there are many types o men# and some notice and care
more than others. ="t i yo" had the kind that "nderstood
everything# yo" pro!a!ly wo"ldn&t !e reading this# wo"ld yo"'

Tr"e# there are men o"t there who simply don&t care and are only
o"t or themselves# !"t the ma$ority o g"ys really do care#. They
$"st aren&t real adept at showing it.

B"ys do things all o the time that they don&t even reali5e they&re
doing. Many times they can&t see how their words h"rt# and it
21
seems as tho"gh they aren&t acknowledging yo"r eelings.

The iss"e here isn&t always the man# tho"gh. %hat is o!vio"s to
one person isn&t necessarily going to !e to another person. The
iss"e can !e either how it&s !eing conveyed or how the other is
responding to it# or not responding to it.

There may !e times where he sees yo" as $"st as cl"eless as yo"
think he is. That&s the dierence !etween men and women rearing
its "gly head. Men and women tend to convey eelings and
tho"ghts in dierent ways# and one always thinks the other&s way is
idiotic.

+or e2ample# men tend to e2plain every detail as i yo"&re cl"eless
a!o"t everything. ?n the other hand# women# tend to give men the
!eneit o the do"!t and simply imply some things# ass"ming he
knows the rest. She won&t o"tright say everything# $"st some things.
Can yo" see how this might p"55le a g"y'

/"st !eca"se something is o!vio"s to yo"# doesn&t mean it will !e
clear to him. )o" also may !e e2pecting him to "nderstand
something that men as a whole may not !e as amiliar with. (t
doesn&t make him st"pid or "ncaring# $"st "ninormed.

*et&s try another scenario here. *et&s say that yo" had a partic"larly
!ad day at work. )o" come home and really want to talk a!o"t it
with him. All yo" want him to do is listen and pay attention. The
pro!lem is that he won&t take yo" serio"sly# and won&t t"rn the TC
o or get o o the comp"ter. And all this only makes yo" eel more
r"strated neglected.

Relationships !ecome more tense the less we are to a!le make o"r
signiicant others "nderstand o"r plights. (t&s a h"man trait to want
others to "nderstand each and every detail o a to"gh sit"ation.

( yo"r man seems to not care eno"gh to give yo" his "ndivided
attention# the tension rises even more. ( he is paying attention !"t
22
isn&t comprehending or eeling the way yo" want the sit"ation to
make him eel# more tension !"ilds. )o"r irst reaction is likely to rip
him a new one or simply $"dge him or his actions internally.

Here&s the thing# tho"gh8 )o" can make him not only listen !"t
"nderstand as well. A common mistake women make is to
immediately ass"me the worst case scenario with him> They don&t
give him the !eneit o that do"!t. This happens many times a day
in many relationships.

&ssumin- the Worst

*et me "se another e2ample8

*et&s say yo" asked him to pick something "p or yo" while he was
o"t shopping. He agrees# !"t then comes home witho"t it. Almost
immediately# yo"&ll pro!a!ly ass"me he&s selish or $"st didn&t care
eno"gh. The act is# his mind was likely elsewhere# either when he
agreed to gra! it or yo" or once he got there. May!e he&s having
an iss"e at work. May!e he&s worried a!o"t something in his lie.
May!e he&s $"st plain orget"l. )o" do more harm than good !y
always ass"ming the worst or that he&s careless.

Never# ever make a"tomatic negative ass"mptions a!o"t yo"r g"y.
More times than not# yo"&ll ass"me incorrectly. )o"&ll likely read ar
more into it than is reality.

%hile he&ll !e wondering why yo"&ve made s"ch a !ig deal o"t o it#
yo"&ll !e wondering why he thinks it&s nothing whatsoever. See how
dierent the two se2es are' (t&s rarely the case that he simply
doesn&t care. (t&s almost always something else on his mind. (t
doesn&t make yo"r sit"ation any less important; it&s $"st that his
iss"es are at the oreront at the moment.

( yo" $"mp to this negative concl"sion# he&ll sense that negativity#
and he&ll deem all o yo"r attempts at making him "nderstand yo"
23
to !e a waste o time. ?nce yo" reach that point# he&ll !e less likely
to even want to "nderstand yo"r sit"ation.

Men think like men. There are some things a man simply will not
"nderstand simply !eca"se o the act that he is a man. Again# this
doesn&t mean he&s st"pid# $"st "ninormed.

%hen ( say men can !e cl"eless# (&m not e2aggerating. ="t he may
not necessarily !e the pro!lem here.

+nrealistic Expectations

A trait among many women is compo"nding the iss"e !etween the
se2es. %omen oten have "nrealistic e2pectations o their man.
%omen will meet a man# !egin to like him# start dating him# all in
love with him# perhaps even marry him# and then attempt to
change that very same man into another man altogether.

%omen rarely reali5e they&re doing it. (t&s "nrealistic to get to this
point with a man and then e2pect him to change into someone else#
especially since he has !een this way rom the start. So oten#
women try to !egin molding their man into someone he simply isn&t.
This is not only "nrealistic# !"t it&s "nair to the man.

%omen have the vision o their leading man dancing aro"nd in their
pretty little heads rom an early age. ?!vio"sly# this image changes
over time and with dierent lie e2periences# !"t all women have an
image o the -perect man..

)o" create this dream g"y thro"gh yo"r past dealings with men8 the
good times as well as pain"l times with men# and the men yo"
were raised aro"nd. +"rthermore# the g"y yo" long or contains all
o the things past men have lacked# and none o the things the men
in yo"r lie have driven yo" insane with. He is the perect man in
yo"r eyes. ?h# and one more thing8 He doesn&t e2ist,

24
No man# or h"man or that matter# is perect. )o"&re setting yo"r
man "p or ail"re !y giving him standards to live "p to that can&t !e
reasona!ly achieved# at least not !y one person. Not only does this
p"t a ton o press"re on the g"y# !"t it "rthers yo"r
disappointment and r"stration when he alls short o the dream
mark.

Another e2ample8 )o" recently got o"t o a relationship with a g"y.
That relationship was illed with ama5ing times# !"t also pain"l
times. The main pro!lem was that yo" never elt tr"ly loved or
appreciated !y him. As a res"lt# yo" then e2pect yo"r c"rrent g"y to
make "p or what the last g"y lacked. )o" want him to !e "ll o
o"tpo"ring love nearly @D>E. This $"st isn&t realistic or air. Not only
that# !"t when there are men o"t there who seem to awn over
women# they&re seen as lacking conidence or that they&re -trying
too hard..

%hile yo" don&t necessarily conscio"sly e2pect these things in yo"r
g"y# yo"r s"!conscio"s shoots these e2pectations to the oreront#
r"strating !oth o yo" in the process.

=eca"se o this# the r"stration heightens within yo" as yo" witness
the relationship withstand normal# everyday hicc"ps that everyone
goes thro"gh. )o"r mind !lows them o"t o proportion at times and
makes things worse than they act"ally are. Relationships never#
ever go FAAG smoothly. Not even the most s"ccess"l relationship
made "p o two relationship g"r"s is going to go smoothly or
eternity. ="t# it can go smoother than average.

(t&s vitally important to reali5e that no two people have the same
moods at the same time# which can ca"se some riction in a
relationship. ( yo"&re eeling partic"larly intimate and he&s not# or
he wakes "p eeling risky and intimacy is the "rthest thing rom
yo"r mind at the moment. There&s another possi!le so"rce or
riction. ( there are days where he looks at yo" like yo" h"ng the
moon with a wanting look in his eye# and then other days where it
seems he !arely acknowledges yo"r presence# this will ca"se
riction.

25
There can and will !e times when yo"&re not !oth eeling
aectionate. (t&s important to reali5e this. (t doesn&t make yo"
"nattractive or "nappealing. (t $"st means the mood isn&t there at
the moment. (t&s as simple as that.

And then yo" have speciic needs in the relationship that yo" want
him to "lill that he doesn&t. )o" eel like he sho"ld attempt to "lill
these needs at all times with little or no words rom yo". He sho"ld
$"st know. Answer the door. (t&s disappointment.

A man cannot and will not ever read yo"r mind. He can and will
acclimate to yo"r ways o thinking and slowly learn yo"r desires#
!"t he will never reach a point where he# !eyond all do"!ts# knows
$"st what and when to do or say the perect thing. Not gonna
happen, Tr"st me. Men wish they co"ld read yo"r minds. (t wo"ld
take a heck o a lot o press"re and ears o re$ection away i we
co"ld.

A ma$ority o the pain and str"ggling thro"gh the "ps and downs o
a relationship are !eca"se o these "nrealistic e2pectations. (t&s vital
to recogni5e and acknowledge this in the !eginning.

&n 9mportant .esson

0on&t let those high e2pectations ca"se yo" to $"mp to those
concl"sions that will so"r the relationship. They will indeed so"r it
!eca"se yo" have a negative perception o the yo"r man and the
relationship as a whole. (n this state o mind# yo" will see things as
m"ch worse than they act"ally are and yo" will make !ad decisions.
Not only that# !"t yo" will likely have r"shed into making these !ad
decisions as well.

=elieve it or not# having these "nrealistic e2pectations is a orm o
a!"se. %hat yo"&re e2pecting rom him witho"t having div"lged to
him what the heck it is# is asking someone to !end to yo"r will
witho"t <"estion. That is seen as controlling# which is a orm o
emotional a!"se. He will eel like he has no voice or any say at all in
26
the relationship.

Never ass"me. )o" have to comm"nicate. Not only do yo" have to
talk a!o"t everything# !"t yo" then need to ens"re that he
"nderstood everything aterward. No# ( don&t mean a pop <"i5. (
mean !e s"re that yo"&ve said all that yo" wanted to say# and then
ask i he has any concerns# tho"ghts or <"estions.

(t&s also vital that yo" don&t act as i it was a test either. ( yo" went
rom topic to topic with little downtime in !etween# yo" may have
overwhelmed him. He may have !een trying to comprehend what
yo" $"st said or preparing <"estions when yo" moved on to the
ne2t topic.

Remem!er# this is a disc"ssion# not a list o do&s and don&ts.
0isc"ssions re<"ire two people. Allow him to take in all that yo"&ve
said and to come "p with possi!le areas that he needs yo" to
ela!orate on. =e s"re that he reali5es that his <"estions show
interest# and won&t !e seen as not having paid attention. *et him
know they&re welcomed with open arms.

Hse empathy at all times d"ring this delicate learning process. The
irst step was inding a good time to comm"nicate with him# and
then doing it. Contin"o"sly p"t yo"rsel in his shoes# and ad$"st
yo"r approach and methods accordingly.

)o" also can&t e2pect yo"r man to !e yo"r sol"tion. All yo" can do is
convey yo"r tho"ghts# wants and hopes. )o" want to a!sol"tely
avoid making them so"nd like m"st1haves or an "ltimat"m. Biving
that impression will do little more than set him "p or ail"re and
yo" or disappointment.

Stay calm thro"gho"t the conversation# and !e s"re to allow him to
-interr"pt. with re<"ests or clariication or to throw an opinion in.
(t doesn&t mean he doesn&t care or isn&t listening. (t&s <"ite the
contrary# act"ally. (t means he is listening and wants to make s"re
he "nderstands yo". See him as making progress# not as a slow1
minded# thick1sk"lled g"y trying to take over the conversation.
27

Now# it&s also e2tremely important that yo" "nderstand that no
matter how hard yo" or he tries# he can&t and won&t "lill every last
one o those desires. 42pecting that is like e2pecting to win the
lottery witho"t !"ying a ticket. (t&s a no1win sit"ation where he is
destined or ail"re. %hat matters is the degree he in which he tries
to "lill them.

Thro"gh every !it o the r"stration and tension !etween the two o
yo"# $"st remem!er that yo" love each other. Remem!er what made
yo" all or him in the irst place and don&t let go o that,

He +sually Says What He Means

This ne2t !it o advice will !e easier said than done8 0on&t over1
analy5e what a man says. %hen a man says something to yo"# I
times o"t o FA# he&s saying e2actly what he means. Men "se less
analogies and sym!olism when they&re trying to convey their
tho"ghts. 0o yo"rsel a avor and don&t ass"me he means
something ar deeper when he says something. %hile men are
capa!le o deep tho"ght# they don&t normally go that ro"te when
trying to e2plain something.

%hen yo" try to ig"re o"t what he&s trying to say# even tho"gh he&s
already saying it clear as day# yo" p"t "nneeded stress on yo"rsel
as well as him. ( yo" think he&s hiding something and trying to !eat
aro"nd the !"sh a!o"t it# yo"&re doing him a disservice and
showing a lack o tr"st. ?ten# he&ll !e -in tro"!le. with yo" !ased
on mere s"spicion# when in reality he hasn&t done anything wrong.

The tone o his voice# the look on his ace# what he&s doing with his
handsJ(gnore all o it, Simply listen to what he&s saying. 0oing
anything dierent is essentially ignoring him and making things
m"ch more diic"lt than they need to !e.

This is one sit"ation where the path o least resistance is act"ally
the !est choice. +ighting or what yo" want isn&t always the !est
28
way o going a!o"t getting it.

2oints to $emem1er:
Men can&t read minds. Say what yo" mean in a clear manner.
(mply nothing.

Never ass"me what yo"r man&s words or actions mean. Ask him
instead.

=e realistic in yo"r e2pectations o him. Bive him time to act on
them ater he knows them.

0on&t e2pect him to !e a!le to "lill every hope and e2pectation
yo" have.
29
Section: 3
Ho Men !perate

?kay# so now we&ve esta!lished that men don&t actively try to get on
yo"r nerves or make yo"r lie a tangled we! o chaos# con"sion#
and r"stration. (t&s all !eca"se o their !asic make1"p. They&re
wired dierently# and no matter how r"strating this act is# it
remains tr"e. The same comes !ack on women# so don&t think (
don&t "nderstand yo"r plight too.

The !ottom line is they aren&t "s"ally aware that they&re driving yo"
"p a wall. No man takes pride in creating pain and r"stration# at
least not the ones worth yo"r time.

All o this is why "nderstanding him and moving orward is so
critically important.

As ( said earlier# g"ys are ta"ght rom an early age to -stay to"gh.
and t"rn the other cheek in the ace o adversity.

B"ys are typically portrayed in society and the media as the one
that !rings home the !acon# p"ts ood on the ta!le# makes s"re the
!ills are paid# as well as a whole host o other -manly
responsi!ilities.. Not only is this somewhat intimidating and
da"nting or a g"y# it&s also a somewhat dated way o thinking. +or
instance# there are very# very ew ho"seholds where only the man
works nowadays. (t&s simply not "s"ally an option anymore.

More and more women are earning a lion&s share o the money as
well. Not only does the -old way. o thinking ail to give yo" ladies
eno"gh credit# it !ecomes additional weight on the man&s sho"lders.
4ven i he knows that the ho"sehold can&t get !y on his paycheck
30
alone# it doesn&t make him eel any !etter. )es# he&s p"tting the
press"re on himsel# !"t that is how he&s !red. (t&s !een
programmed into him since his inception.

*et&s say a woman makes more money than the man in a amily#
and yo" get yet another societal norm thrown in his ace. He&s
a"tomatically seen as less o a man in the ma$ority o society&s eyes.
This weighs on him. 4ven i he says it doesn&t# it really does. And
even i it doesn&t !other yo" one iota# it still !others him. (t&s not a
competition or -women aren&t worthy o e<"al pay. thing. (t&s simply
pride# plain and simple.

Now# ( don&t mean to imply that it !others him that yo" make more
money than him. (t !others him that he will a"tomatically !e $"dged
as a res"lt o it. This is another o"tside actor that can aect a man
and !y pro2y# the relationship and levels o tension therein.

Another actor aecting how men !ehave is the way in which a man
witnessed his parents comm"nication and how they dealt with
things when he was growing "p. As a man# he s"!conscio"sly pays
more attention to the ways o his ather when ga"ging how men
!ehave toward and comm"nicate with women.

*et&s say his ather was e2tremely <"iet and reserved aro"nd his
mother. He seemed to do nothing !"t go to work# come home# sit
and watch television# and then go to !ed. Hardly a word was ever
said !etween them.

Now# imagine his dad oten !erating his mother and asking where
she p"t something o his as he got ready or work. (magine that he
came down or !reakast every morning and complained a!o"t what
was on his plate and how poorly it was prepared. Then he&d come
home rom a !ad day o work and take it o"t on his mother or the
rest o the night. He&d then sh"t down and go o gr"m!ling and
m"ttering to himsel as he went o to !ed.

How do yo" think this wo"ld aect yo"r g"y and his growing#
learning mind at the time' He&d start lie o"t with a skewed image
31
o how co"ples correspond and comm"nicate. %hen someone
learns something rom a very yo"ng age# this is their idea o normal
"ntil they witness something dierent# even i that idea o normal is
e2tremely a!normal to the rest o "s.

(t can "nderstanda!ly make yo"r task o "nderstanding him <"ite
da"nting# !"t at the same time# it can e2ponentially e2plain a lot o
his ways. This will give yo" m"ch relie. )o"&ll inally at least know
why he says and does some o the things he does.

The way in which his ather dealt with conlict inl"enced yo"r man#
+lying o the handle at the slightest thing may well have !een
cemented that into him. A ather who rarely talked wo"ld gear yo"r
man or a lie o keeping things inside instead o e2pressing them.
Having a ather who never cried# never said -( love yo"#. or
otherwise e2pressed aection will have a direct eect on how yo"r
man e2presses his emotions.

The words -( love yo". will oten seem like eno"gh to this man.
Alternatively# actions that show his love instead o words may !e his
-normal.. He may walk o to !e !y himsel ar more oten than
most men yo"&re "sed to.

+athers like the ones descri!ed a!ove tend to "se what&s called
to"gh love in raising their little men. They teach them to -s"ck it
"p. and move on# never let a woman see yo" cry# never let
someone disrespect yo"# etc. All o this wo"ld !ecome part o his
very !eing and !e <"ite diic"lt to change. ="t it&s not impossi!le.
)o" $"st have to see yo"r g"y as worth it.

This is hy men in society have these ha1its:

They never show weakness# even when they&re h"rting.
They m"st always !e in control.
They m"st dominate or lead.
32
They m"st remain sel1s"icient and independent.
They m"st !e strong and !e !rave.
They m"st !e the provider and protector o loved ones.

? co"rse yo"&re going to !e con"sed !y yo"r g"y&s actions# in1
actions# !ehavior and words. )o" long or him to open "p and eel
comorta!le e2pressing his emotions and eelings to yo". ="t
!eca"se he is a man# he sees these as signs o weakness. More
oten than not# he&s o!livio"s to these views. They&re $"st engrained
into him. This is why he seems to get deensive when yo" ask him
to -let yo" in. and open himsel "p "rther.

*et&s say something&s !othering him. *ogic and e2perience tells "s
that opening "p and talking a!o"t it helps alleviate the h"rt. )et he
remains <"iet and seemingly cold as ice to the tho"ght. However
!eneicial opening "p and comm"nicating a!o"t the pro!lem will !e
in solving the pro!lem# the sad act remains that it will likely make
him eel too v"lnera!le and weak. So here we are# !ack at the
con"ndr"m8 The man locking things inside while yo" try to help
with 5ero assistance rom him.

The res"lt will "s"ally incl"de tho"ghts akin to# -%ell# i he doesn&t
want help# he can&t !e helped.. He does want help# tho"gh. That&s
$"st it. He $"st has no idea how to go a!o"t getting it. He normally
wo"ldn&t !e ca"ght dead asking or it.

See the pro!lem here' No wonder men and women have s"ch
diic"lty trying to ig"re each other o"t,

Men want women to $"st accept them as they are and deal with it#
while women want men to !e the polar opposite o the way he&s
wired to !e.

%hat&s the !ig deal# right' %hy can&t he $"st stop worrying a!o"t
what society thinks# open "p and !e prod"ctive, Society isn&t sitting
there trying to help him yo" are, %ell# that&s where his engrained
"p!ringing and wiring complicates things yet again. %hether the
33
o"tside world sees# hears or otherwise witnesses his -weakness. or
not# it will !e his perception o himsel that stops the progress cold.

As ( said# men do want to open "p and !ecome closer to yo". They
do want to connect with yo" emotionally and strengthen their
relationship with yo". (t&s $"st not that easy or "s. %hat seems like
a simple case o -$"st doing it. to yo"# is a ma$or internal str"ggle
or "s. (t almost always comes !ack to how men were raised and
the c"lt"re we live in. %e&re damned i we do and damned i we
don&t.

Keep reading and yo"&ll learn how to tear down these cono"nded
walls and get him to eectively comm"nicate and garner the res"lts
yo"&re dying to achieve.

2oints to $emem1er:
Men don&t actively try to get on yo"r nerves.

Men normally watch and mirror their ather&s !ehavior rom an
early age.

Men are ta"ght to lead# protect and provide rom a very early
age.

Men want to open "p and comm"nicate# !"t ear their sel1worth
will s"er.
34

Section: #
What $espect Means to a Man
To a man# respect is more desira!le than love. Respect is what a
man will hold onto the longest in his lie and !e the least willing to
let go.

The a!sol"te astest way to have a man t"rn cold as ice toward yo"
or avoid interaction with yo" at all is to disrespect him.

The main thing to remem!er here is that i yo" want him to treat
yo" like royalty# then yo"&ll have to give him that same treatment.
Most people&s mantra is -treat others as yo" want them to treat
yo". with varying degrees o compromise. ="t with a man# this is
not a gray area at all.

The act is# i yo"&re ever going to get love and aection rom yo"r
man# yo"&re going to have to respect him at all times. Alternatively#
the less respect yo" give him# the less he&ll give to yo". *ove#
comm"nication# aection# willingness to work thro"gh conlictJ
these will !e pipe dreams rom that time orward.

%omen will open "p their hearts more to a man that loves and
appreciates her. A man that takes the time to notice the little things
and goes a!ove and !eyond to show his aection or her# to
comm"nicate with her# c"ddle with her# and make her eel like a
!ea"ti"l womanJhe will satisy her to the hilt.

The way to satisy a man to no end is to give him the "tmost
respect. A man constantly ga"ges his standing in society and in
relationships# whether he reali5es it or not. (n his relationship# which
35
is the last personal rontier# this is especially tr"e. ( a man doesn&t
eel respected in his relationship with yo"# he won&t !e there long.
4ven i he is# he won&t !e tr"ly happy.

A perect e2ample o a vicio"s cycle is this8 A woman who eels no
love rom her man eels disrespected and meaningless. ?n the
other hand # a man who eels that his woman doesn&t respect him
will eel "nloved. See how that works'

The ma$ority o the time# women p"t love irst# while men p"t
respect irst.A man needs that respect to eel desired. To him# that&s
a sign that yo" love him.

Here&s the thing a!o"t respect# tho"gh. %omen !elieve that respect
has to !e earned rather than having a clean slate rom the start.
Men tend to !e the opposite. They !egin a relationship with a "ll
arsenal o tr"st and respect that she can only take way rom or
keep at the "ll mark.

This is likely d"e to the act that women tend to hold onto contempt
or past lovers and carry those past lovers& a"lts as e2pectations or
almost every man ater him.

This is why yo" hear terms like -typical g"y. so oten. %omen tend
to gro"p all men together when one or more has h"rt or !etrayed
her in the past. ( one or more g"ys has done something in the past
and a new g"y starts even showing hints o the same !ehavior6s7#
her mind s"!conscio"sly $"mps right to the concl"sion that this
c"rrent g"y is headed down the same road.

The most common method o a man&s operation is that !elieving
that the past woman who h"rt# !etrayed or disrespected him was a
woman with iss"es. 4ven when there is a speciic negative pattern
in the !ehaviors o women in yo"r man&s past lie# he still tries to
see each new woman as a step "p rom the last.

This isn&t to say that he won&t !ecome deensive in some instances#
36
or that he won&t !low some other sit"ation o"t o proportion d"e to
his dealings in the past. ="t the re<"ency tends to !e ar less# and
he !ecomes deensive ar less conscio"sly.

Here&s the sad reality8 4ven i the reason yo"&re disrespecting yo"r
man is $"stiied# yo"&re still damaging the relationship&s "t"re
e2ponentially !y taking the disrespect"l ro"te.

)o"&re pro!a!ly thinking# -="t there&s times when ( $"st can&t !e
respect"l when ( need to e2press LLLLLLLLL,. 6+ill in the !lank7 (
this is the case# welcome to the hypocritical side o the tracks.

%hat do ( mean' %ell# it all goes !ack to treating others as yo"
want to !e treated. 0on&t ga"ge whether or not a man deserves
respect; $"st give it to him. This is how yo" wo"ld want him to treat
yo". 0on&t think or a min"te that ( regard this is an easy task. (
know darn well there are times where yo" want to $"st slap him to
sleep# !"t yo" have to resist the "rge and take the high road, 4ver
heard the adage# -kill Mem with kindness.' %ell# replace kindness
with respect and yo"&ve got the message (&m trying to convey here.

%hy is this important' =eca"se relationships that t"rn into
determining a winner in each and every arg"ment or heated
disc"ssion# is not a relationship at all. (t&s a competition.

Nero good will come o"t o conlict i all the two o yo" are doing is
seeing who can give the harshest emotional !low to the other. (t
solves nothing and does little more than make yo" eel s"perior or
a ew moments. (n reality# however# yo" took the low road# and yo"
have a!sol"tely nothing whatsoever to !e pro"d o. ?!vio"sly the
same thing goes i he chose that ro"te.

Shoin- That $espect

Here&s something yo" pro!a!ly never tho"ght o# !"t rather than
37
show respect or yo"r g"y&s !ehaviors or actions# try more to show
respect to the man himsel. Try to see what characteristics a!o"t
yo"r g"y lead him to do what yo"&re praising him or rather than
what it is he act"ally did.

%hat do ( mean' *et&s "se another e2ample. *et&s say he helped
yo" cook a h"ge meal# serve it# clear o the ta!le aterwards and
do the dishes down to the last spoon. The two o yo" worked side1
!y1side the entire time. )o"r irst instinct is to thank him immensely
or doing all the he did and praising him or all the actions he took
to help yo".

)o" might say something like# -Thank yo" so m"ch or helping me
make this h"ge meal or o"r g"ests# and or helping clean "p
aterward.. That is praising his actions. (t&s also how most people
wo"ld go a!o"t thanking someone. The dierence in the approach
comes when yo" praise what it is a!o"t him as a person that yo"&re
thank"l or instead.

(n other words# yo"&d change what yo" said to something more
along the lines o# -)o" don&t know how m"ch ( appreciate how
m"ch yo" take into consideration the workload ( sometimes have
when we&re entertaining g"ests. )o" were e2tremely selless and
chose to help me rather than try and get in on the g"y talk. ( love
that a!o"t yo". )o" gen"inely care and ( consider yo" a !lessing in
my lie.. See the dierence' )o" praised him as a man rather than
as a helper.

The !ottom line is# make him see how yo" appreciate him as yo"r
man# not $"st any man.

(s it coddling a delicate ego' 9erhaps. 0oes it help in a relationship
to do this kind o thing' A!sol"tely. As long as yo" aren&t doing it in
a condescending way# it will make him pro"d to have !een the man
yo" desired. A!ove all# he will !egin to seek o"t ways to make yo"
eel this way again, BINGO

So# what sho"ld yo" do when yo" know that yo"r man is a!sol"tely
38
and "ne<"ivocally wrong' ( can tell yo" what not to do8 0on&t tell
him how wrong he is and that he needs to get a cl"e. (nstead# yo"
sho"ld respect and acknowledge his !ehavior# and then calmly give
yo"r opinion.

Acknowledging his view is not the same as agreeing with him.
)o"&re also not s"ggesting that he&s right and yo"&re wrong. Two
people can disagree witho"t making one o the parties seem like an
idiot. All it simply means is that yo" "nderstand and respect that
he&s had dierent personal e2periences.

(nstead o making him earn yo"r respect# !e respect"l. Then watch
as he !ecomes the man yo" dream o.

So Ho Do 9 Sho Him This $espect(

Here&s a list o ways to make him eel respected8

1! "ho# $aith and Give %im The Gift Of Tr&st.

Showing a man that yo" tr"ly !elieve in his $"dgment# decisions and
a!ilities as a man is like t"r!o1charging his inner sel. Nothing
makes a man eel more like a man than !eing with a woman who
tr"sts his a!ilities and places aith in him. =eca"se men are
primarily !red to lead# !e strong# and provide and protect# when
yo" tr"st his $"dgment it shows that yo" are completely willing to
let him have that desired role in the relationship. This takes a ton o
press"re o o a g"y. )o"&re helping "el a need in a man&s lie that
he can&t always ind.

Now# it wo"ld !e insane to e2pect yo" to always agree with his
decisions# !"t there are times and places or disc"ssing those yo"
disagree with. ( know some things a g"y comes "p with may seem
cra5y# !"t or now# oc"s on listening and letting him share it. The
more yo" allow him to share# the more willing he will !e to contin"e
sharing openly thro"gho"t the relationship# which is something
39
many women want in a man.

%hen the time does eel right to disc"ss the act that yo" possi!ly
eel he needs to rethink something# the key is to do it in a gentle
way. There&s not m"ch worse than making him eel like an idiot or a
decision or decisions he made. The !est way to ga"ge this is !y
p"tting yo"rsel in his shoes. How wo"ld yo" want him to p"t things
i he wanted to convey them to yo"'

Many don&t think o this !eore diving right in and giving their
opinion. Contrary to pop"lar !elie# words can !e h"rt"l# even to a
g"y. Not only that# !"t telling him in a less1than1sensitive way that
he made a st"pid $"dgment call is hardly going to !eneit either o
yo". (t will likely create more emotional distance and ca"se him to
start <"estioning whether or not he sho"ld even !other opening his
mo"th or make anymore decisions.

)o" sho"ld never take it lightly when a man needs yo" to tr"st his
decisions. ?ten# when a woman starts thinking she can do a !etter
$o! with her own decision1making a!ilities# she tends to t"ne o"t or
disrespect her !oyriend:s or h"s!and&s decisions# and she ends "p
all !"t ignoring them. This can have somewhat adverse aects on
his male psyche and ego.

)es ( admit# women "s"ally are !etter at making logical and
m"ltiaceted decisions in a relationship and they are oten right# !"t
this doesn&t mean that yo" sho"ld challenge his decisions or
disco"nt them and orce yo"r own onto him. A woman&s mind has
s"!tle dierences that make her !etter at m"ltitasking# or instance.
)o" have to let him learn or himsel and make his own mistakes.
Try and respect his decisions and let them ride i no severe
conse<"ences will come a!o"t as a res"lt. (t&s important to never
say OSee# ( told yo".O 4ven i yo" choose to let his decision !low "p
in his ace# don&t "se non1ver!al c"es to give any indication that yo"
e2pected the ailing res"lts.
Also# it&s !etter to have a man who made less1than1perect decisions
than a g"y who never even !others trying to make them at all.
40

Respect his decisions eno"gh to avoid !ringing "p how wrong he
was a!o"t something in the past each time a similar decision has to
!e made. Treat his decisions with proper consideration# or at least
show a good level o respect# especially when they t"rn o"t to !e
wrong and yo" really want to let him know how wrong he is again.

( know it&s con"sing to make a man eel looked "p to and treat him
as a protector and provider# only to t"rn right aro"nd and oten !e
worried a!o"t his seemingly ragile ego too. ="t yo" have to
remem!er8 Men are h"man too. They do make mistakes.

2! Res'ect %is Re'&tation.

0on&t go aro"nd !ad1mo"thing him when he&s not aro"nd. )o"
never know who will hear yo" and yo" may not !e thinking
completely thro"gh a!o"t whom yo"&re saying it to.

%omen oten talk smack a!o"t their men or men in general# even in
$est. (t seems to come as nat"ral as !reathing to some women.
Male1!ashing is e2tremely common# and sadly# socially accepta!le.
That doesn&t make it right# however.

Another ha!it some women have is $"mping in and correcting her
man when he is telling a story. May!e yo"r g"y has a ha!it o
e2aggerating things a !it. /"st let him. Never# ever !erate a g"y#
especially in ront o riends# amily or colleag"es.

?r# let&s say the two o yo" are o"t with another co"ple or two and
he accidentally spills a drink. Resist the "rge to call him o"t and
treat him like a "m!ling idiot or it. He&s going to !e em!arrassed
eno"gh as it is# and yo" can rest ass"red his male riends will give
him eno"gh grie a!o"t it witho"t yo" piling it on. =e where he goes
to get away rom s"ch treatment# even i $"st in his s"!conscio"s
mind.

0isrespect is the single astest way to make a man eel "nloved
41
overall. Not to mention the act that many men:s shortest trigger or
their tempers is tied directly to disrespect directed towards him. 0o
it in ront o others and the res"lts are even more negatively
compo"nded or the !oth o yo".

( yo" have any desire whatsoever to take good care o yo"r
h"s!and or !oyriend and yo" want to make him eel loved and
respected# do not ridic"le him. 0o not correct him. 0o not overr"le
him# and never dismiss him in ront o someone else. (t&s !ad
eno"gh when yo" do it in private# !"t throw in an a"dience and
yo"&re going to have a heck o a hard time coming !ack rom it.

)o" sho"ld never "se degrading and cr"el means to convey yo"r
tho"ghts and opinions. +ind another way. 0oing the opposite#
especially in p"!lic# and yo" might as well slap him right across the
ace. The eeling will !e the same to him. Remem!er8 Treat him as
yo"&d like him to treat yo"# even in $est.

(! )s* $or %is %el'.

Men are nat"rally attracted to solving pro!lems. Many women
complain that they simply want to vent to their man and tell their
pro!lems# while the g"y is too !"sy interr"pting with possi!le
sol"tions. %omen want g"ys to !e willing to simply listen# !"t a
man is deeply programmed to try and ind a way to i2 those
pro!lems. Remem!er this and yo"&ll !etter deal with it when he
does.

Ask or his advice on how to i2 something# how to solve a
pro!lemor how to deal with an emotional iss"e yo"&re having.
Asking him or help shows him that yo" val"e his opinion and
respect his resh perspective.

( yo"r knowledge meets or e2ceeds his on any partic"lar s"!$ect#
ask him anyway. ?ten a resh set o ears and eyes# not to mention
an o"tside perspective# can indeed help.

42
( yo"&re too conident in yo"r own e2perience and knowledge to
take serio"sly the advice he may oer# he&ll sense it and take it as
disrespect and !elittling. He&ll wonder why yo" even !othered
asking him in the irst place. ?tentimes# he&ll ass"me that yo" did it
$"st to have something to !erate him or.

As a res"lt# he dreads the act o talking with the woman in his lie#
and slowly !"t s"rely shares less and less. )o"&ll notice over time
that the more and more that yo" interr"pt him ater asking or his
help# or the more yo" !elittle the possi!le sol"tions he oered or
<"ickly c"t him o while he&s trying to help too oten# he&ll stop the
conversation altogether and start the sh"tdown process. This is
e2tremely !ad or a relationship.

Remem!er# men are nat"rally inclined to try and solve pro!lems.
Asking him or his help appeals to his masc"line side and his
intelligence. ="t know that there are right and wrong ways o going
a!o"t asking.

Here&s something else yo"&ve likely given little tho"ght to8 Ask a
man to do something rather than insisting he do it.

*et&s say yo" want the trash taken o"t. (nstead o saying# -Honey#
come gra! this while ( inish "p s"pper#. say something more like#
-Honey# wo"ld yo" mind helping me with this trash while ( inish "p
s"pper'. Note the dierence. (t&s very s"!tle !"t s"rprisingly
eective.

Men are more eager to help and more eager to please when they&re
given the choice to do so or not. 0on&t order him to do anything.
)o"&re e<"als# remem!er'

At other times# yo"&ll act"ally witness a possi!ly d"m! decision
!eing conceived in real time in his pretty little head.

S"ppose he !egins talking a!o"t wanting to take "p an e2pensive
ho!!y which won:t add any val"e to his lie# and yo" know it:s going
43
to !e a poor decision i he went ahead with it. (nstead o o"tright
trying to stop him rom doing it choose to gently remind him a!o"t
possi!le negative conse<"ences or a need that yo" c"rrently have
that he may not !e considering when deciding whether or not to go
or it.

Men are logical# and they "nderstand things !etter when a good
amo"nt o logic is applied. (t&s possi!le to present him with logical#
clear evidence o why it:s going to !e a poor decision. Rather than
going postal on him# gently remind him o the possi!le amily time
he might miss o"t on and show him where and why yo" !elieve it
won:t !e a good decision i he went ahead with it.

*et him see what he may have to do witho"t i he chooses to go or
it. Show him how tight it will make things. 0oing all o this in this
manner will make him come aro"nd to reality when the acts speak
or themselves.

+! Give %im %is "'ace.

There are many men and women alike who eel that i they&re not
near their partner# they&re either lacking a connection or eeling like
their partner&s going to eel that way. This isn&t "s"ally the case.

*ike yo"# men oten need down time and alone time. (t&s a sort o
reset or his mind and !ody. (t allows him a sort o -reedom.
witho"t !eing single or living alone.

The goal here is to let him acclimate to yo" !eing in his lie more
and more witho"t his s"!conscio"s r"shing to the concl"sion that
yo"&re dominating it. )o"&ll ind that yo"&ll oten need this -yo". time
as well# so take the time to make -away. time !oth or him and
rom him.

+or e2ample# take the way in which the two o yo" "nwind rom a
long# hard day at work. More oten than not# women want to come
home# rela2 a !it and tell their signiicant other a!o"t their day. ?n
44
the other hand# men generally $"st want to come home# rela2# and
let it soak in# or make it go completely away and $"st hit pa"se on
lie.

4ven i he doesn&t necessarily want to !e alone d"ring his
downtime# this is the time he wants to devote to "nwinding. ( he
comes home# gra!s a !eer and plops down on the co"ch to watch
TC# then that&s the way he chose. (t&s not likely that he&ll o"tright
seek to !e away rom yo". He $"st may not want to disc"ss his day
as m"ch as yo" may yo"rs. (t&s $"st his way o "nwinding# and it
sho"ldn&t !e seen as anything more serio"s. ( promise yo" that i
and when he wants to talk# he&ll talk to yo".

Some women are "nder the impression that in order to !e close as
a co"ple in a relationship# the two o them sho"ld do everything
together as a co"ple.
This simply isn&t the case. To p"t it into perspective# i yo" have
children# everyone knows yo" love and adore them# !"t there will
!e times when yo" are watching the clock#waiting or their !edtimes
or that sleepover this weekend.
(t doesn&t mean yo" love them any less. (t $"st means yo" need
down time. )o"r relationship is no dierent e2cept or the act that
the eeling will !e m"t"al most o the time. He&ll need a !reak $"st
as m"ch as yo" will.

To "rther drive this point home# let&s say ol& =o! and his live1in
girlriend *inda !oth get home rom work. *inda has a ha!it o
r"shing to =o!&s side# which is normal and e2pected# !"t ater the
traditional h"g# kiss and -How was yo"r day'. hypothetical
<"estion# she proceeds to ask him every little detail a!o"t it.

%hat all did yo" have to get done today'. -0id yo" get it all
done'. -%as yo"r !oss pleased'. -How&s 0avid&s wie doing'. -%as
l"nch okay' ( tried a new recipe..

(n *inda&s eyes# knowing everything a!o"t his day is kind o sweet
and romantic. (t helps her know how his everyday matches "p with
hers. She means well# !"t it makes =o! want to tear his own hair
45
o"t and eat it.

(t&s considered s"ocating# especially when done all at once very
soon ater getting in the door. He won&t and doesn&t love her any
less. He $"st wants to take it slow and "nwind rom his day.

=eing in a relationship means yo" share yo"r lives# !"t it doesn&t
necessarily mean that yo" share every acet therein.

Allow him that space or a while. He&ll give yo" the same respect
and will open "p and share it all in d"e time.

0oing any dierently p"ts press"re on him and he&ll en$oy his time
with yo" less and less as time goes on. He won&t always make it
clear that this is the case# !"t it happens to !oth men and women.

How healthy will a relationship !e i yo" start to notice he inds
anything and everything else to do rather than spend time with
yo"'

2oints to $emem1er:
Respect is generally more important to a man than love.

0on&t try to ga"ge when he deserves respect. Bive him the
respect yo" want him to give yo"# a"tomatically.

Show aith in his $"dgment and decisions. (t makes him eel more
loved and respected.

(t&s not necessary to always agree with him. (t&s how yo"
disagree with him that matters most. 0o so with respect rather than
!elittling.

Respect his rep"tation. 0on&t !admo"th him# even in $est. (t will
46
distance the two o yo" over time.

Ask or his help# even i yo" don&t o"tright need it. (t&s the val"ing
his opinion or perception that does the trick.

Bive him his space. He&ll give yo" the same respect. (t doesn&t
mean he loves yo" any less; $"st that he needs to "nwind and not
eel s"ocated.
47

Section: %
&re 'ou His Mate or His Mother(
(&m going to start this section a little !it dierently. (&m going to
show yo" one o the most common scenarios women ace in
relationships. At irst glance# it&s going to !e diic"lt to -choose a
side#. !"t it&s important to reali5e the other point o view here.

( recently received an email rom someone (&ll call Michelle. Michelle
has reached a point in her relationship where it&s !oth pain"l and
r"strating. Sadly# however# her sit"ation is an e2tremely widespread
occ"rrence.

Here&s the email she sent to me8

My hus1an, can 1e ama=in- 1ut only sometimes? Were up on our /th
e,,in- anniversary@ an, 9 cant help thin0in- o3 all the chan-es<

9ts -otten to the point that 9 ,o all the thin-s he shoul, 1e ,oin-< The 3act is
that 9 am sic0 an, tire, o3 ,oin- everythin- all the time? 9 ,i,nt ant a
hus1an, ho sits aroun, expectin- me to ,o everythin- he is suppose, to ,o<

!n top o3 that@ he ,oesnt ever stic0 aroun,< He is alays loo0in- 3or a
reason to 1e 1y himsel3 an, ,oin- his on thin-< 9ts li0e he ants to 1e
marrie, 1ut ants to live li0e a sin-le -uy<

48
He isnt even intereste, in spen,in- any time ith me< &n, i3 9 1e- him to@ it
en,s up in an u-ly ar-ument< 9ve trie, really har, to ma0e him see hat 9 am
-oin- throu-h 1ut ,oes he even care( 7o< &ll he ants to ,o is atch T>< 9ts
li0e 9 am there physically 1ut completely invisi1le to him<

9 try to tal0 to him a1out it@ he Aust =ones out< 9ts li0e hes not even listenin-<
He says hell spen, more time ith me@ 1ut it hasnt happene, yet? 9ts ,rivin-
me nuts?

9 tol, him 9 cant stan, 1ein- alone all the time< 9 tol, him 9 cant cope ith it<
Does he care( What shoul, 9 ,o( Ho ,o 9 -et him see the point 9 am tryin-
to ma0e( 9m sic0 an, tire, o3 aitin- 3or him to chan-e<

As pain"l as that is or yo" to read# especially i yo"&re in the same
sit"ation# it makes it clear right away that Michelle likely committed
a cardinal relationship sin8 She went rom the role o a mate to the
role o a mother witho"t even reali5ing it.

Now# as anyone can plainly see and "nderstand# she isn&t
comorta!le with where their relationship is headed. The pro!lem is
that when yo" do things his mother pro!a!ly did or him while he
was growing "p# yo" p"sh him away witho"t even reali5ing it. Most
women mistake doing these things or their man as showing more
love or $"st simply doing the -right thing.. They think their man
loves to !e taken care o# so !eca"se o this# they are only doing
what makes him eel good. %hat&s the harm in that# right' *ots,

(t almost always starts with small things and then grows into
something gargant"an. 4ven tho"gh yo" have a well1intentioned
desire to show aection# mothering him is something that can
slowly and dangero"sly develop and !ecome second nat"re to yo"
over time. (t&s m"ch like a lit cigarette !eing tossed into dro"ght1
stricken woodlands; it will catch something on ire# it will spread
49
<"ickly# and it will destroy everything in its path.

+or e2ample# what started o"t as picking his clothes "p o the loor
as he got ready or work in the morning# developed into picking "p
his shirts rom the dry cleaners while he was o"t watching sports or
ladies at some cl"! or !ar. ?r may!e yo" started o"t !ringing him a
c"p o coee each morning and now he sits and moans when
yo"&ve yet to do so this morning. All o these things are ine2c"sa!le
to any normal h"man !eing# !"t it doesn&t make them less apt to
happen. )o"&d !e <"ite s"rprised. )o" may !e doing some orm o it
now.

Now# there&s a!sol"tely nothing wrong with wanting to !e help"l or
doing partic"larly sweet things or him# !"t it:s important or !oth o
yo" to keep some sem!lance o independence and responsi!ility.
*eave some things or him to do or himsel. ( he misses dinner#
then he misses dinner. He&s known or ages when it&s served. There
are makings or sandwiches i he gets h"ngry eno"gh ater having
ignored the clock yet again.

The &,verse E33ects o3 Motherin- 'our Man

As each day passes# yo" s"!conscio"sly -teach. him to !ecome
more and more "seless in yo"r relationship. He !ecomes practically
incompetent. )o"&re act"ally t"rning him into the e2act type o man
that yo" will event"ally despise ever !eing aro"nd.

%hen yo" constantly do all the things or him that he sho"ld !e
doing or himsel# yo"&re treating him like a !a!y and not a man.
And what happens when yo" treat him like a !a!y' He ends "p
!ehaving like one. He comes to e2pect yo" to do all o these things
rom that moment on. He&ll likely develop attit"des when they aren&t
done. (s that what yo" really want'

Here are some common ways that mothering rears its "gly head8
50

0oing things that that he may do wrong or that yo" think may !e
hard or him to do himsel.

Reminding him what time meals are over and over again.

9icking "p his clothes and shoes# and cleaning other messes.
Concerning yo"rsel with how he might do things wrong i yo"
don&t remind him the correct way to do them.

Constantly looking or things he is doing wrong# and then
correcting him on them time and time again.

( any o this so"nds amiliar# it may !e time to take a ew steps
!ack and ask yo"rsel# -(s this really the relationship ( want in lie'.

Healthy# meaning"l relationships are a!o"t two responsi!le ad"lts
who 'erform their res'ective dee's in the relationshi'. This
also means that yo"r partner has the same responsi!ilities as yo"#
and that !oth o yo" will e<"ally do what:s needed in the
relationship. %henever yo" eel there is an im!alance# it&s important
that yo" address it especially when it:s aecting one or !oth o yo"
negatively.

%omen oten say that they only do these things !eca"se they love
their man and care or him so deeply. The pro!lem with this is that
while their intentions were good and honest# this only ca"ses
"nneeded tension in the relationship.

%ere,s #h-:

51
4ven i this is only done s"!conscio"sly at times# he will eel
disrespected and neglected as a man# and he&ll !elieve that yo"
don&t have aith in his a!ilities.

)o" essentially render him "seless !eca"se yo"&re doing all the
things that he&s s"pposed to do.

He already has a mother and he doesn&t need another one. (n
other words# he won&t see yo" as his lover anymore# !"t as his new
mother instead# which will a!sol"tely destroy the passion in yo"r
relationship.

( yo" don:t allow a man to !e a man# he won&t act like one. )o"
don:t want him depending on yo" so m"ch that he can:t do
anything or himsel. A man needs to !e independent to some
degree in order to keep his identity. Anything less and he !ecomes
dependent and la5y or la5ier.

(n every relationship# there are roles that each o yo" plays# and
mothering him sho"ld not !e one o yo"rs. ( yo" take on that role#
yo"&re p"tting "nnecessary press"re on yo"rsel as well as him.

%hy do women so oten adopt the motherly role in so many
relationships' (t&s "s"ally or one o these two reasons8

1. )o" ear he&ll a!andon yo" and yo" do all that yo" can to prevent
that rom happening. Thereore# yo" give ar# ar more than yo"
receive in yo"r relationship. And this is where the la!el o mothering
comes into !eing.

2. )o" eel a pressing and innate need to assist# help# and resc"e
him# and yo" get a eeling o happiness and satisaction rom
mothering him even tho"gh yo" may not reali5e yo"&re act"ally
doing it.
52

(t&s vitally important that yo" "nderstand that taking care o a man
is a good thing# !"t yo" sho"ld do it as a lover and not like his
mother. Remem!er earlier when ( mentioned that sometimes yo"
may have to coddle his ego a !it' The key word there is -ego. not
his entire !eing. 4ven then# yo" sho"ld only do it sporadically.

Mothering generally shows an indirect need to have things go yo"r
way in a relationship. This is a ro"nda!o"t way o showing a need
to control yo"r partner. ( yo" do all o these things o"t o an
honest1to1goodness concern and respect or yo"r g"y:s well !eing
rather than o"t o an inherent need to control him or have things
yo"r way# then that:s ine. ="t any other motives mean yo"&re $"st
mothering him# and that needs to stop immediately.

)o" can:t e2actly !lame him or !eing the way he has !een since
yo":re triggering that !ehavior in him. ( know that eeling
"nsatisied and "nloved and going thro"gh the same motions day
ater day is no picnic. ="t yo" have to "nderstand that#
"nort"nately there are things that yo"&ve done to p"t yo"rsel in
this position. ( yo" tr"ly do want this relationship to work# yo"
need to !e as honest as possi!leJwith yo"rsel and himJ!"t
starting with yo"rsel.

+irst and oremost# yo" have to stop giving into the "rge to mother
him and control yo"rsel.

Heres a list o3 thin-s you nee, to ,o:

Stop doing the things that yo" know he needs to !e doing or
himsel.

Make him>let him take responsi!ility or his own needs and wants
when he needs to.

53
Stop doing everything or him# !"t !e there to oer advice i he
needs it.

At all costs# resist the "rge to correct him. *et him do it himsel
and allow him to make whatever mistakes he&s going to make.

Make yo"rsel "nderstand that it&s all going to !e $"st ine i yo"
simply let him do what he needs to do.

Talk to him like a man and not a !a!y. =a!ies need mothering.
Men don:t.

*et me g"ess8 Right a!o"t now yo"&re saying# -="t he won:t do
anything "nless someone&s directing him,. )o" have to reali5e that
the very reason he won&t do things is !eca"se yo"&re trying to direct
him. (t&s !eca"se yo" eel the need to p"sh him into doing these
things that he has chosen to no longer do them. )o"&ve essentially
wired him to !e this way# so it&s yo"r $o! to -re1rewire. him.

*et him make his own decisions. *et him act like an ad"lt in the
relationship# and then sit !ack and watch how things !egin to
change e2ponentially or the !etter.

2oints to $emem1er:
)o" can go rom a lover to a mother in no time i yo" aren&t
care"l.

Mothering him teaches him to !e "seless and incompetent.

Any dierences !etween the two o yo" sho"ld not only !e
acknowledged# !"t also appreciated.

54
Mothering him will make him eel neglected and disrespected.

Allow him to make his own mistakes.
55
Section: *
+n,erstan,in- The Male .an-ua-e
Megan and Ro!ert have !een dating or P months now and things
are awesome, He loves her to death and she simply adores him.
They !oth !elieve they&re so"l mates. ="t when they ight# look o"t,
They don:t ight all that oten# !"t when they do# it&s a knock1down
drag1o"t that some wo"ld pay to watch it,

Here&s what Megan has tro"!le with# in her own words8
Sometimes hen Steve an, 9 are tal0in-@ 9 1rin- up somethin- heBs ,one that
hurts me< 9nstea, o3 listenin-@ he acts as i3 its no 1i- ,eal< He tells me that 9
overreact an, 1lo it out o3 proportion< $ecently@ he tal0e, a1out ta0in- me
to .as >e-as to see the si-hts an, ,o some -am1lin-< 'ou 0noC normal
>e-as stu33< 'et@ he hasnt even 1othere, to chec0 prices<

He says he ants to 0no hat 9 am thin0in-< 6ut hen 9 start to say
somethin- a1out@ he cuts me o33 an, ont let me 3inish C completin- my
sentences 3or me< He thin0s he can 3i-ure out hat 9 am -oin- to say even
1e3ore 9 say it<

9ve -otten to here 9 ,ont ant to tal0 a1out ho 9 3eel< Then he -ets an-ry? 9
honestly ,rea, tal0in- to him? 9t all seems li0e a hu-e stru--le all the time<
56
Ho ,o 9 -et him to Aust really listen to hat 9 have to say ithout cuttin- into
my sentences( Ho ,o 9 -et him to un,erstan, that 9 Aust nee, him to pay
attention to hat 9 am sayin-(

Or ho# abo&t this one. It,s from another of m- readers. %er
name is /elissa:

May1e 9Bm 1ein- overly critical@ 1ut 9 canBt have a ,ecent conversation ith my
1oy3rien,< Weve 1een to-ether 3or 4 months an, he ,oesnBt listen to me<

Every time 9 try to say somethin- thats important to meD he Aust says
somethin- o,, an, tries to chan-e the su1Aect< 9 3eel so ,isconnecte, hen 9
try to tal0 to him@ its li0e he ants me to spea0 1ut isnt rea,y to listen<

He even tells me that 9 am a ,rama Eueen an, 9 overCreact a lot< He 0nos 9
,ont li0e 1ein- interrupte, hile 9 am sayin- somethin-@ 1ut he ,oesnt really
care< 9t 3eels li0e he ants me to hear an, a-ree ith him all the time 1ut he
cant collect the patience to sit there an, listen to hat 9 have to say<

9ts -ettin- to a point here 9 3eel either somethin- is horri1ly ron- ith him
or that somethin- is actually ron- ith me< Sometimes 9 ,o 3eel that may1e
he is smarter than me an, that is havin- a very ne-ative e33ect on my sel3C
esteem< 9 havent 1een 3eelin- -oo, a1out mysel3 lately<

93 9 as to 1e honest ith you@ 9 -et very an-ry no an, he can clearly see
that< What shoul, 9 ,o(

0o these ladies& stories so"nd amiliar to yo"' Here&s how it
normally works with most co"ples8
57

The woman has a ro"gh day at work. She has had an arg"ment
with a coworker# and she heads home# eagerly awaiting her
h"s!and&s ret"rn so that she can talk to him a!o"t it and give him
all the details. %hen he inally gets home# she starts letting it all
o"t# little !y little.

%hile she&s giving him all the details a!o"t how the arg"ment
started and whose a"lt it was# he $"mps in and says# -)o" sho"ld
have $"st kept yo"r mo"th sh"t. (t&s a waste o time arg"ing with
someone at work who $"st doesn&t have a cl"e. )o" never listen to
me. )o" sho"ld $"st let it go and stop getting yo"rsel involved#
especially when it&s happening at work..

Now he&s done it. Now she&s "pset. All she wanted was or him to sit
and listen to her let o"t her eelings. She s"re didn&t want him to try
and give sol"tions to the pro!lem. She $"st wanted a smooth#
hassle1ree low o inormation to get o"t the pent1"p emotions. She
$"st wanted to let it all o"t# and she tho"ght her h"s!and wo"ld
listen <"ietly.

The pro!lem is# he chose to offer sol&tions# and he didn&t even
allow her to inish what it was she was trying to tell him in the irst
place.

Right then and there# the day:s conversation ends. She&s "pset and
she&s eeling re$ected and even more r"strated now. Her h"s!and is
pretty "pset too# !eca"se he can&t "nderstand why she is so "pset.
He wonders# O%hat&s wrong with oering sol"tions to pro!lems'
9eople talk to each other to get help with their pro!lems# don&t
they'O
And she wonders# O%hy can&t my h"s!and ever hear something (
tell him witho"t interr"pting and witho"t oering a sol"tion' The
reason ( talk to him is not to get a sol"tion# !"t to $"st get my
emotions o"t so that ( can see some sort o light at the end o the
day&s t"nnel. ( mean# all he has to do is sit there <"ietly and keep
listening to me. %hy can:t he $"st do that' %hy is it so hard or
him'O
58

0o these eelings o "pset# r"stration and pain seem amiliar when
it comes to yo" and yo"r man'

%hy can&t men have the patience and "nderstanding to gen"inely
sit and listen to a woman when she is trying to e2press something'
(t&s !eca"se men are wired to solve pro!lems. Merely talking a!o"t
a pro!lem witho"t taking actiona n d looking or a sol"tion to it
seems "nprod"ctive and meaningless. They almost always think o
ways to i2 things.

So i yo" disc"ss an iss"e or a pro!lem with him# his nat"ral "rge is
most oten going to !e to oer a sol"tion to it. %hile women "s"ally
$"st e2press their eelings and want to !e heard# this $"st isn&t
realistic# and it makes no sense to a man.

So# to s"m it "p# in his eyes# i yo"&re going to tell him yo"r
pro!lems# yo" sho"ld not only accept his trying to oer yo"
sol"tions to them# !"t !e to"ched and happy with him that he is
doing so. He&s $"st trying to help# ater all.

*et me try to p"t it into perspective with an e2ample8

%oman8 (&m having a hard time dealing with my !oss at work.

A typical man&s reply8 %ell# have yo" tried talking a!o"t it with him'

The woman descri!es how she is eeling a!o"t a sit"ation with her
!oss at work and the man immediately gets to work on coming "p
with a sol"tion. He gives her an action to take to solve her pro!lem.
He eels like he $"st took some emotional weight o o her
sho"lders while she thinks he isn&t listening and doesn&t care.

Now let me try another# more detailed e2ample8

59
%oman8 ( hate it when Melissa disc"sses her e21h"s!and with me. (
think she still hasn&t gotten over him.

Man8 %hy don&t yo" tell her to stop talking a!o"t him'

%oman8 =eca"se she&s having a hard time getting over him.

Man8 She&s never going to get over him i she doesn&t stop talking
a!o"t him. How co"ld she' /"st s"ggest she stop thinking a!o"t
him or a change.

%oman8 )eah. ( g"ess it&s $"st too hard or her.

Man8 %ell# then $"st ask her to stop mentioning it to yo".

%oman8 ="t that wo"ld !e so r"de. ( don&t want to !e r"de to her. (
$"st wanted to tell yo" how ( was eeling.

Man8 Then what do yo" want to do'

%oman8 ( don&t know.

(n this e2ample# the only thing the woman wanted was to have him
listen to her. ="t instead# he as a man# did what he&s wired to do
nat"rally8 He oered advice and help on what to do to solve her
dilemma.

Any time the woman descri!ed a eeling she was having# he
immediately came "p with a plan o action or her. He ass"med he
was helping her# not h"rting or r"strating her.

Something many men simply don&t "nderstand is that women get
rid o their stress !y talking a!o"t it. They&re merely venting and
getting it o"t o their systems !y sharing it and talking a!o"t it.
60
Most o the time# they simply want to !e heard# and aren&t act"ally
looking or a sol"tion.

As a matter o act# this is how ma$ority o arg"ments and ights
come a!o"t in a relationship. Here is how the typical cycle goes8

& oman shares her 3eelin-s an, ants to 1e hear,<

The man -ives solutions@ assumin- that she ante, them an, nee,s
them<
The oman i-nores those solutions an, continues to tal0 a1out it

3urther<
The man 3eels 3rustrate,@ an, -ets an-ry or impatient<

The oman 3eels i-nore, an, misun,erstoo,@ an, complains that
he never listens<

The man 3eels li0e she simply ante, to create unnecessary ,rama@
an, then 1e-ins to tune her out<

0o yo" see how the cycle works' Hnder these types o
circ"mstances it&s completely normal or a man to8

=egin to take yo" or granted.

4ither avoid the s"!$ect altogether# or ignore yo"# directly or
61
indirectly.

Bet angry or deensive to keep yo" rom talking a!o"t it "rther.

+oc"s his mind or eyes on other things while yo" talk to him.
6%atching TC# thinking o something else to do# etc7.

=ecome completely "ncooperative# making yo" reach a point
where yo" eel like he doesn&t care a!o"t yo" very m"ch anymore.

What is it .i0e to Thin0 .i0e a Man(

Most o the time# a man wants a woman to $"st get to the main
point since this is the main p"rpose o having the conversation.
They like to know where the conversation is headed and what
concl"sion 6or sol"tion# in his mind7 that yo" are looking or. This is
why yo" will oten hear a g"y say# -So what&s yo"r point' Bet to the
point. %hat are yo" trying to say' %hat are yo" trying to
accomplish'.

This is kind o his less1than1s"!tle way o saying# -( don&t
"nderstand where yo"&re trying to get or what end res"lt yo"&re
looking or. So# in other words# it wo"ld !e !etter i yo" $"st talk
a!o"t the o!$ective. Tell him ahead o time that yo" are venting.
This is also pro!a!ly a lot o the reason why yo" oten hear men
say that women "se two to three times the amo"nt o words
necessary# when a g"y can say it ar less time and with a lot less
con"sion.

(n his testosterone1illed world# "nless yo" seek a prod"ctive
o"tcome rom a conversation# then it&s kind o pointless to talk
a!o"t it. Kind o like cooking a hearty meal and yo"&re not even
h"ngry. %hy !other'

62
And this is where things get even more complicated !etween the
two se2es. The two most common complaints women have with
men are8 -He doesn:t talk a!o"t his emotions#O and OHe doesn:t
want to hear a!o"t my emotions.O Men $"st aren&t known or their
tendency to !e emotionally open or open1minded.

As (&ve pointed o"t in some o the earlier sections# men are pretty
poorly trained in how to openly show emotions# and it&s society&s
a"lt. Men simply don&t "nderstand why women so oten eel the
way they eel. They honestly !elieve that they can help the woman
come "p with a m"ch !etter way to handle the pro!lem6s7 that
created the eelings in the irst place.

They also try their !est to help the woman "nderstand that her
eelings are "seless in resolving the stress"l sit"ation. %hy'
=eca"se in his world# that&s what it looks like. As a res"lt# the
woman "s"ally sees this as very wrong.

Men 3eel li0e theyre responsi1le 3or ta0in- care o3 your
pro1lems@ there3ore@ they 3eel a nee, to FrescueG you<

%henever yo" mention a speciic iss"e or a pro!lem yo"&re having
to him# his irst tho"ght is to ask himsel# -How can ( solve this or
her' %hat can ( do to help her get rid o this iss"e'. And as (&ve
mentioned m"ltiple times# he !l"rts o"t sol"tions which# when
they&re not ollowed or accepted# will make him want to p"ll his hair
o"t. %hy' =eca"se deep down in his instinct# he eels like he shares
the !"rden o yo"r pro!lems.

Hnless yo" have some way to -i2. yo"r pro!lem# he will always eel
as i it:s his d"ty to either do it or yo" or help yo" with it. As a
man# he s"!conscio"sly eels it&s his d"ty to take care o it.

63
Men ten, to ith,ra or 1ecome extremely emotionally
,istant hen theyre ,ealin- ith a particularly ,i33icult
emotional issue<

Men want to avoid conlict at all costs when dealing with women.
They will do all they can to distance themselves rom whatever is
ca"sing an iss"e with yo". As (&ve made clear# a lot o men are
severely o"t o to"ch in dealing with their real needs and eelings.

This is why their methods 6or lack thereo7 o dealing with them can
sometimes seem so illogical and random. This emotional disconnect
rom their inner !eings makes it diic"lt or the man to "nderstand
even their own !ehavior# let alone !e a!le to e2press emotions to
and with the women in their lives.

?n the lip1side# most women have almost 5ero pro!lems dealing
with their emotions and don&t "s"ally have any pro!lems openly
e2pressing them.

Men have a sometimes1!ad tendency to over1analy5e everything or
logicality and practicality# and i they can&t ind a logical way to solve
it# they avoid the iss"e like the plag"e. ( he can:t solve it or yo"#
then he deinitely wishes to avoid the s"!$ect altogether.

(t pains him tremendo"sly to see a pressing iss"e at hand !"t no
real sol"tion. He either tries to ight it# and i he knows# he can:t
win# the ne2t !est sol"tion is to light. Th"s# he distances himsel
rom the iss"e at hand.

This illustrates the ays men an, omen ,eal ith stress
,i33erently<

Here&s the am"sing part# tho"gh. %hen a woman is going thro"gh a
64
stress"l sit"ation# she wants to talk a!o"t it and ind help rom
others. She reely e2presses hersel. Now# she isn&t necessarily
looking or sol"tions to the pro!lems as (&ve said# !"t the $"st simply
!y venting# talking and sharing# she&s comorting hersel. She&s
actively making hersel !etter whether the pro!lem is act"ally
solved or not.

Men have a m"ch harder time letting their eelings o"t in the open
easily and they tend to eel that i they can&t i2 it# then why !other
trying to e2press it and risk opening "p -too m"ch.. So they
internali5e it and keep it all locked away inside. And they&ll do it !y
keeping their mind away rom the pro!lem.

This happens 1ecause@ sa,ly@ men ten, to practically 3ear
their emotions<

Men are gen"inely leery o their emotions !eca"se the second
they&re dealing with something considered emotionally heavy# they
eel as tho"gh they&re no longer in control. And !eing in control is
one o the most important things or a man. So# d"ring that
stress"l time# they take action and do any and every thing to eel
the ret"rn o that sense o control. This is where men "s"ally start
to show the signs o !ecoming emotionally distant. They withdraw
rom yo"# don&t talk to yo" m"ch# or avoid yo" altogether.

Thereore# d"ring a emotionally pressing sit"ation# men act while
women talk.

Ho ,o 9 Tal0 in a Way Where Hell Het Where 9m Comin-
8rom(

)o" have to come to his level o thinking. %hether that is "p or
down in yo"r intellect depends on the man# !"t yo" have to talk in
a lang"age he "nderstands. ( yo" tr"ly want to get thro"gh to yo"r
65
man every single time yo" speak to him# then it&s vital that yo"
ollow these steps8

"te' 1 1 Tell him# !eore the conversation even gets good and
started# what yo" e2pect rom him. Tell him what yo" hope to
accomplish !y having the conversation yo"&re a!o"t to have.

"te' 2 Make s"re that he knows yo"&ll !e a!le to handle it# no
matter what it is. Also# that yo"&ll greatly appreciate it and that
yo"&ll respect him or it aterward.

"te' ( May!e a!ove all else# keep an eye o"t or how he&s
handling all o it# and then ad$"st yo"r approach accordingly.

*et me emphasi5e and ela!orate8

"te' 1 ! Tell him# !eore the conversation even gets good and
started# what yo" e2pect rom him. Tell him what yo" hope to
accomplish !y having the conversation yo"&re a!o"t to have.

Since we&ve already clearly esta!lished that men are end res"lt1
driven and tend to analy5e anything and everything or logic and
practicality# it&s important to let him know the p"rpose o yo"r
conversation. %hat ( mean is# make clear what yo" will or won&t
want rom him as a res"lt o it; what yo"&ll e2pect rom him.

*et&s say yo" want to disc"ss with him how lie is going at work and
how it&s tr"ly !othering yo". =eore yo" get into the s"!stantive
part o the conversation# yo" need to let him know# and clearly# that
yo" don&t necessarily e2pect him to come "p with a sol"tion# !"t
that yo" $"st want him to listen to what yo" have to say !eca"se it
makes yo" eel !etter. ( promise that i yo" take this approach# he
will "nderstand.

An e2ample8

66
)o"8 Hey# honey. (&d like to talk a!o"t some things that are ca"sing
me a lot o stress at work. 0o yo" have the time to talk right now'

Him8 S"re# honey. Bo ahead.

)o"8 Thanks a ton. Now# ( also want yo" to know that ( am going to
!e talking a!o"t a lot o pro!lems ( deal with on a daily !asis there.
And it may make yo" a little "ncomorta!le# !"t ( need yo" to know
that ( can take care it and handle it on my own. ( $"st want to talk
a!o"t it with yo" !eca"se talking to yo" like this $"st makes me eel
!etter a!o"t all o it. ?kay'

And there yo" have it. )o"&ve made it FAAG clear what the
conversation will entail# as well as what yo" do and don&t e2pect
rom ol& Beorge there. He now knows ahead o time that yo" aren&t
e2pecting him to -i2 things. or yo". He also knows now that yo"
are looking or nothing more than his time and attention witho"t
having to think a!ove and !eyond# trying to come "p with sol"tions
or yo". %hen yo" make it crystal clear what yo" do and don&t want
or need rom him# and do it so early in the conversation# things go a
whole lot more smoothly.

"te' 2 0 Make s"re that he knows yo"&ll !e a!le to handle it# no
matter what it is. Also# that yo"&ll greatly appreciate it and that
yo"&ll respect him or it aterward.

(t&s vital that yo" make clear to yo"r man that# regardless o what
yo"&re going thro"gh# yo"&ll !e a!le to handle things on yo"r own#
and that his s"pport and help# while appreciated# isn&t needed or
even wanted in this case. Again# yo" need to make it perectly clear
to him very early on so that he knows the primary p"rpose o all o
it.

(t also sort o emotionally releases him o the possi!le !"rdens it
wo"ld normally ca"se or him# !eca"se he now knows what role
he&s e2pected to take in the conversation. He will !e ar more open
67
to hearing other iss"es that may arise in the "t"re as a res"lt o
how yo" started this conversation.

Some good practice wo"ld !e "sing e2amples like these in yo"r
talks8

Honey# regardless o how this seems# ( promise yo" that it&s not that
!ig o a deal. ( $"st need to talk a!o"t it to get it o"t.

or8

Honey# this isn&t something ( won&t !e a!le to handle. ( $"st eel like
disc"ssing it with yo".

or may!e8

Honey# (&m going to !e completely okay. ( $"st want someone to
listen to me right now.

( yo" happen to eel like yo" are too emotionally weighed down !y
a pro!lem# then it is pro!a!ly a good idea to let him know ahead o
time that yo" might get angry# "pset or whine incessantly a!o"t
something# !"t that it does not mean that yo" won&t !e a!le to
handle it yo"rsel.

+or e2ample# yo" may want to "se words like the ollowing8

Honey# (&m having a pro!lem with a person at work that is really
!othering me and ( want to talk a!o"t it with yo". ( want yo" to
know that ( might get angry and may!e even whine a lot !eca"se
this person gets on my last nerve# !"t ( also need yo" to know that
(&ll !e a!le to take care o it and handle it !y mysel. ( $"st need yo"
to hear me o"t# okay'

Things !ecome so m"ch easier when yo" make every single detail
68
a!sol"tely clear to him. As a res"lt# yo" will "s"ally get him to listen
intently to yo" witho"t ever interr"pting or oering sol"tions.

"te' ( 1 A!ove all else# keep an eye o"t or how he&s handling all o
it# and then ad$"st yo"r approach accordingly.

This step is e2tremely important. ( yo" ail to ollow it# then yo"
may once again ind yo"rsel str"ggling d"ring the conversation.
Sometimes# even ater letting yo"r man know the role yo" want him
to play in the conversation# he may still act a !it tro"!led while
yo"&re talking to him.

(t&s tr"ly important to keep an eagle1eyed oc"s on his !ody
lang"age to see i anything yo" might !e saying is making him
"ncomorta!le. ( yo" happen to sense he isn&t doing too well or
looks to !e slowly starting to t"ne o"t while yo"&re talking to him#
then "se something like8

Honey# (&m sorry i what (&m saying is too m"ch to handle right now.
May!e we can talk a!o"t it some other time.

And then watch and see i he is okay with it. ( he is# he will
immediately tell yo" to keep going. ="t i he still seems
"ncomorta!le# then yo" may wish to leave him alone or now. He
may $"st !e !eing polite.

%hat yo" don&t want is or the conversation to get to a point where
yo"&re wishing hard or him to listen to yo" while he&s steadily
looking or a way o"t o it while yo"&re talking.
The !est thing to do i yo" get this eeling is to give him a !reak
when he shows signs he&s starting to seem "pset# !eca"se that&s
really the only way he&ll !e a!le to deal with his own eelings in an
eective manner. He&ll come !ack to yo" at another point to let yo"
inish the disc"ssion. ( promise yo" that he will !e thinking a!o"t
what yo"&ve said "p to that point.

69

6e sure to let him 0no ho his actions or 1ehavior are
a33ectin- you<

There will likely !e times d"ring the conversation when yo" will eel
that he&s !eing a little "nreasona!le and that his !ehavior is kind o
h"rting yo". Typically# most women eel like a man sho"ld know
that what he&s doing is h"rting yo" and sho"ld change it
immediately. ="t as (&ve mentioned several times in earlier sections#
men are "s"ally cl"eless when it comes to these things. (t will work
o"t m"ch !etter i yo" point o"t e2actly what it is he&s doing that&s
!othering yo". =HT# it&s important to do it in the right way,

)o"r approach needs to !e made gently yet irmly# letting him know
the way in which his speciic actions and words are h"rting or
otherwise aecting yo".

)o" need to give him speciic e2amples o the ways and times his
!ehavior negatively aected yo". !"t do it in a way that is not so
m"ch like complaining and isn&t -pointing a inger. at him. 0on&t !e
highly conrontational a!o"t it. Simply say it in a way that gets yo"r
message across to him witho"t necessarily oending him.

*et&s say yo" are ed "p with him leaving a messy !edroom or yo"
to clean "p every morning and night# and yo" want him to clean it
"p himsel rom time to time. )o" co"ld say something like the
ollowing8

Honey# ( know yo" work really hard or "s and that yo"&re "s"ally in
a r"sh every morning# !"t can yo" please pick "p yo"r clothes and
may!e organi5e yo"r closet sometimes' ( try my !est to get to it
every day# !"t sometimes it gets really hard and r"strating or me
to tackle with my other ho"sework.

70
The key here is to be gentle1 b&t firm at the same time. (t&s
also very important that yo" never -order. him a!o"t what to do or
!erate him into doing it. 0oing it that way will only make him eel
like he&s !eing attacked. )o" have to "nderstand that yo" don&t
have a pro!lem with him# per se# as m"ch as what it is he&s doing
that&s driving yo" !atty, (t&s also important that he knows that; it&s
not him# !"t what he&s doingJor not doing.

So# it&s important to onl- tal* abo&t #hat he,s done or not
done# and not !lame him as a !ad person.

2oints to $emem1er:

Men are wired !y nat"re to solve all o the pro!lems they&re
presented with.

%omen tend to ind comort in venting or otherwise sharing their
pro!lems. Men do not.

To men# talking a!o"t a pro!lem witho"t looking or or !eing
open to a sol"tion is like cooking a three1co"rse meal and never
!othering to eat it.

Men "s"ally need a conversation to have an end p"rpose. They
simply aren&t "sed to hearing a!o"t pro!lems $"st to hear them.

Men eel an instinctive need to -resc"e. yo".

)o"r approach to a conversation makes all the dierence in the
world.

Make s"re he knows going into the conversation what it is yo" do
71
or don&t want or need rom him aterward.

Make s"re he knows yo" can handle the pro!lem and that yo"
$"st need to get it o"t.

Keep an eye o"t or how he&s reacting.

*et him know when yo"&re h"rt !y things he says or does.

72

Section: /
Ho to Ma0e Him !pen +p an, Tal0 &1out His 2ro1lems
( yo"&re a normal woman# then ( know that yo" can and do
!ecome e2tremely r"strated and h"rt# when yo"r g"y sh"ts down
emotionally.

Not only that# !"t seeing him showing signs o o!vio"s h"rt and
choosing to deal with it on his own rather than tr"st in yo" eno"gh
to allow himsel to appear v"lnera!le# can make yo" eel like yo"
aren&t good eno"gh.

)o" may ind yo"rsel wondering# -( he can&t tr"st me eno"gh to
$"st !e himsel aro"nd me and open "p to me# then there&s no one
on earth that help him. Am ( that "ncomorta!le to !e candid with'.

Tr"st me# ( get that. (t&s not easy and ( won&t even remotely
pretend that it is. The key here is patience. As yo" well know !y
now# relationships aren&t easy. Ro"gh patches in those relationships
do little more than e2acer!ate the pro!lems# and yo" $"st wish that
yo" co"ld knock some sense into his head and make him eel
comorta!le letting his g"ard down and -letting yo" in.. ="t it takes
time# ladies. (t takes time# patience and perseverance.

Here&s another scenario or yo"8

*et&s say we have a co"ple sitting at a dinner ta!le having dinner
<"ietly and peace"lly. The woman <"ickly notices that her
!oyriend is "n"s"ally <"iet. She knows this isn&t his "s"al chatty
73
sel. So something m"st !e wrong# right' %ho wo"ldn&t ass"me as
m"ch'

She asks him gently# -How are yo" eeling today# honey'

The man does little more than shoot a <"ick glance at her# and with
a nearly emotionless look on his ace# says# -(&m ine# ( g"ess..

And then she# as most people wo"ld when hearing a pres"ma!ly
alse answer# seeks veriication. She asks# -Are yo" s"re'.

%ith this# the man starts to shows signs o getting a !it "pset and
more irmly replies with# -Honey# ( said (&m ine. ?kay'. He wasn&t
yelling# per se# !"t he wasn&t as warm and calm as he "s"ally is
either.

Still not !elieving him# the woman says# -%ell# honey# yo" look
stressed a!o"t something. Talk to me. ( not me# then who'.

Now his anger is !arely restrained# and he says# -*ook, Can we not
$"st sit here and have dinner <"ietly' (s that too m"ch to ask' %hy
do yo" constantly eel the need to slam me with twenty
<"estions',.

To this# her ace starts to heat "p with restraint# !"t she remarks#
-%ell# yo" don&t ever really talk a!o"t what&s !othering yo"
anyway..

And with that# the man slams his hands down on the ta!le# gets "p#
p"shes his chair !ack with orce# and storms o"t in anger.

So# what the heck co"ld did we $"st witness' %hat on earth co"ld
!e going on here' %hy is it that some men so oten simply and
latly re"se to open "p' %hy do they insist on keeping everything
to themselves' %hy on earth are they so araid to open "p' %hat
74
are they so deathly araid they&re going to lose !y doing so'

%ell# <"ite a !it# act"ally. %ell# to him anyway. Men have several
insec"rities and road !locks that they&ve !"ilt "p over time. They# as
yo" well know !y now# deal with things ar dierently than women.
And when conronted with things like this that they can&t 6or won&t7
talk a!o"t# the mere tho"ght o appearing v"lnera!le and weak
ca"se them to hit the !"tton.

%hat !"tton' The one that immediately ca"ses their emotions to
slam ace1irst into a wall. Anytime they&re asked# or worse yet#
prodded to open "p a!o"t somethingJthen =AM, Right into that
!arrier they&ve dealt with their entire lives.

)o" see# to a g"y# p"tting a eeling or a want o"t there all !y itsel
is akin to $"mping o o the edge o a cli with no saety net or
parach"te. (t&s pretty darn scary. %omen oten eel that when they
tell their g"y everything# it&s proo to him that they tr"st their man
to the ends o time and want him to know all a!o"t them and how
they tick.

="t with men# on the other hand# it&s a whole other !all o wa2J a
r"strating# no1holds1!arred# r"strating !all o wa2, They eel that
when they&re openly talking a!o"t what&s going on in their lives and
sharing their deepest darkest emotions and secrets# it mean that
they&re seeking some sort o approval and $"stiication rom the
woman. This is considered to !e a pretty darn si5a!le weakness in
the oten mis"nderstood world o the man.

The last thing a man will ever want is or his entire !eing and his
innermost eelings#to !e o"t in the open in ront o their partner# or
anyone else or that matter. (n his mind# it&s like taking a vac""m
and s"cking every last o"nce o his testosterone o"t o him. %hile
it&s not tr"e in any sense o the words# it&s an indisp"ta!le#
veriia!le# cold# hard act in his mind.

)o" also need to "nderstand that most men eel that women are
e2tremely critical and $"dging o them. They hear women talk
75
amongst each other a!o"t what they love and hate a!o"t their men
and they worry that i they do open "p# someone:s $"st waiting in
the prover!ial !"shes to $"mp o"t and la"gh at them. This wo"ld
immediately leave them re$ected and h"miliated. They wo"ld sooner
take the chance o slapping a !"ll s<"arely across the ace than deal
with this ear.

Men and women either ear $"dgment or they co"ld care less what
others think. There&s not "s"ally m"ch o a gray area in !etween.
They either do or don&t# !"t the ma$ority "s"ally cares ar more than
they&ll admit. As a res"lt# some wo"ld preer to !e seen as closed1
minded and distant rather than risk appearing weak and less than
e2pected on society&s eyes.

Here are $"st some o the ears that many men have when they
even think a!o"t opening "p8

%hat i ( don&t get the desired res"lt rom her'

%hat i she completely re$ects me ater this'

%on&t this make me seem entirely too needy or otherwise lacking
in her eyes'

She co"ld completely dismiss it or "tterly h"miliate me ater
wards.

She might see that (&m not near as strong as ( oten appear to
!e. 0o ( want to risk that'

%hat i she takes it the wrong way and it !lows "p in my ace'

(t&s no s"rprise# thereore# that many g"ys wo"ld m"ch rather take
on a world o pain and heartache than open "p to their woman.

7o heres hat most omen usually ,o in similar
76
situations:

%omen generally have a -ight or (:ll $"st leave it. mechanism that
they "se to deal with these types o sit"ations. %hen a woman
chooses the -ight. way o dealing with it# she will stay on the topic
with him contin"o"sly and endlessly. She&ll -arg"e. with him <"ite a
!it and try to show him that she is a!sol"tely not okay with him
!eing this way.

She&ll make it "ndenia!ly clear that he needs to change# and he
needs to do it pronto, ="t# even worse than that# is when she "ses
manip"lation to make things go her way. Know this8 This will only
make the entire sit"ation m"ch# m"ch worse.

Now# let&s say she chooses the -(:ll $"st leave it. way o dealing with
it. %hen a woman takes this ro"te# she tends to# hersel# kind o
mirror the g"y:s actions. She !egins to "se his methods o dealing
with things and his reactions to all o it. So# i her g"y is !eing
partic"larly emotionally distant and totally withdrawn# she starts to
see t"rna!o"t as air play and does the same thing to him. As is
oten said# two wrongs don&t make a right.

%omen "s"ally hold it all in and !ecome very hard to read when
they choose this ro"te. They won&t share a thing. Many times# they
will act as i nothing in the world !others them. ="t in all act"ality#
they "s"ally end "p even more !othered over time# as their
emotions !egin to pile on top o each other. This is why so many
women appear to !low "p on g"ys over -nothing.. (t&s most
ass"redly something. (t&s a c"lmination o all the times she held
!ack and held it all in.

The tr"th is that men do want to talk and they do want to open "p#
!"t only when the conditions are perect. Sadly# they&re m"ch like a
tornado and certain conditions have to !e present in order or them
to rise to the occasion.

( yo" want yo"r man to open "p completely# then yo" have to
77
ollow certain steps and do so in the right order8

"te' 1! (t&s really hard or a man to open "p a!o"t his pro!lems
!eca"se he ears coming across as weak. )o"r $o! is to let him
know that yo" aren&t there to $"dge him in any way whatsoever.

(t:s important or women to reali5e that# s"rprisingly# a man:s ego
and sense o identity are generally weaker and is more easily
threatened than hers. That&s especially tr"e when he:s in an
intimate relationship. He desires constant "nderstanding rom yo"r
end; he wants yo" to "nderstand his world. So i a man eels that
yo" are going to $"dge him or look at him dierently as a res"lt o
what he might say# yo" can !e darn s"re that he won:t risk it !y
talking a!o"t s"ch things. (n his eyes# there&s no going !ack ater
!eing h"miliated.
Not $"dging yo"r partner means allowing him to say what is on his
mind# and simply !eing willing to hear it. That&s all.

(n order to reass"re yo"r man that yo" are going to listen to him
witho"t any sort o $"dgment or interr"ptions# yo" have to choose
yo"r words care"lly and e2plain it to him in a way that proves how
serio"s yo" are a!o"t it.

4ven resorting to writing things can sometimes make the message
come across more clearly and in more detail# !eca"se the tone o
yo"r voice# the look on yo"r ace# and other things can inl"ence
how he perceives the overall message.

Here&s a good e2ample o something yo" might say8

Davi,@ 9 0no youre -oin- throu-h somethin- an, 9 0no its har, 3or you to
,iscuss it ith me@ 1ut 9 Aust ant you to 0no that 9 am here 3or you i3 you
ever ant or nee, to tal0 a1out it< &lso@ please 0no that 9 ont Au,-e you
78
3or hatever it is you arent sharin- ith me@ an, that you can trust me
completely ith it< Whenever youre rea,y to tal0 a1out it@ 9ll 1e here 3or you<
93 not@ ell@ thats completely o0ay too@ an, 9 hope you 3in, a solution to
hatever it is soon<

( yo" say something like this# he will nat"rally eel a sense o inner
comort and saety and will !e ar more open to sharing it with yo".

"te' 2 ! Tell him how his silence makes yo" eel so that he clearly
"nderstands yo"r point o view as well.
)o"r man may not even !e aware that yo" get worried when he
chooses to !ottle things "p and remain silent. (t:s very likely that he
has no cl"e what eect it has on yo" since he is completely
cons"med in his own tho"ghts. 0on:t let it aect yo". ( know that&s
m"ch easier said than done# !"t ( promise it:s really not a!o"t yo".

Thereore# the !est way or yo" to approach yo"r partner when he:s
<"iet is to say# O( get worried when yo" don:t talk to me# !"t ( hope
that at some point yo" eel like yo" can.O

Again# it is key to approach him ca"tio"sly and gently. As long as
yo"r partner knows why yo" are concerned a!o"t certain things and
how his actions are adversely aecting yo"# he will always
"nderstand yo" and will likely !e ar more open in his "t"re
conversations with yo".

"te' ( 0 Bive him eno"gh time to think.

)o" m"st "nderstand that yo"r man won&t s"ddenly r"sh right to
yo" and start talking every time there&s a pro!lem# even i yo" have
made progress in the past. He might take his sweet time.
Sometimes it can !e <"ite a long time# so make s"re that yo" don&t
ask him a!o"t it a lot. %henever he is ready# he will come to yo" on
79
his own. The key with this step is that the more oten he is given
this time and respect in order to open "p at his own pace# the more
he&ll choose to do so. This will show the r"its o yo"r -la!or..

0on&t ask him how he&s eeling a!o"t things# and then sit there
waiting or an answer. (t&s not going to happen. That&s normally a
woman&s way o -sharing eelings.O %hen yo" get the "s"al one1
word responses# don&t p"sh him or he&ll see it as nothing more than
yo" nagging him.

Tell him yo":ll yo" will !e okay to talk a!o"t it some other time. And
then give him some more time to think. This will allow him to sort
thro"gh his emotions and prioriti5e them. He needs to do this
!eore he can share or act on his eelings.

?tentimes# men need to !e let alone to come to terms with what it
is they&re going thro"gh# sort thro"gh their tho"ght progression#
and try to process their eelings !etter.

"te' + 0 %hen he does talk# actively listen to him.

Simply listen witho"t trying to correct him or make ass"mptions.
0on:t try to g"ess what he means to say; what comes o"t o his
mo"th is "s"ally what&s on his mind. The key here is to $"st let him
inish. *et him p"t it all o"t on the ta!le !eore yo" add yo"r
eed!ack to it.
=e a good listener. 9ay attention. 4ven i yo" aren&t completely s"re
why something like that wo"ld !e !othering him# take the time o"t
to listen to him anyway. )o" don&t necessarily need to comment or
oer an opinion.

%hat every man needs# especially d"ring a period o seeming
deeat# is to !e convinced that his partner loves him and is going to
!e there to s"pport him no matter what. The act that he&s even
talking a!o"t it with yo" is a h"ge step.

"te' 2 1 ?er what yo" think he sho"ld do# !"t never tell him what
80
to do.

?ne o the most so"ght1ater h"man needs is approval. 4veryone
needs some level o it# whether they openly admit it or not. Respect
helps "lill that desire or men on a very deep emotional level. ="t
very oten when a man is disc"ssing something# it can !e very
diic"lt to not tell him what to do. Ater all# it:s h"man nat"re to
ass"me that o"r way is the !est way and that the other person
o"ght to take o"r advice. ="t yo" need to "nderstand that it&s
"s"ally a !ig mistake on all co"nts.

There are times when it may !e crystal clear to yo" that what he&s
doing is completely wrong# and yo" wish to correct him. ="t it&s
never a good idea to tell him what to do while he is opening himsel
"p to yo". )o"&ll ind yo"rsel "nderstanding what he goes thro"gh
when trying to deal with yo"r pro!lems and how he&s s"pposed to
-$"st listen. witho"t oering help.

As (&ve said repeatedly# the reason why yo" sho"ld never tell a man
what to do is !eca"se it will make him eel that he is not good
eno"gh or "p to the mark. %hen yo" tell him what to do# he eels
that he isn&t good eno"gh to ill the role o a provider anymore# and
he e2periences a strong sense o inade<"acy as a man.

(n yo"r world# yo" might eel that !y oering s"pport# help and
s"ggestions# yo":re doing a great deed. ="t in his world# he eels
that yo":re doing this !eca"se on some level yo" don:t !elieve he
can do it himsel and that he is inade<"ate.

So hat shoul, you ,o i3 you really ant to help him(

)es there is hope, )o" can get a man to listen to yo"# take yo"r
s"ggestion and even act on it# once yo" "nderstand how to do it
the right way.
The secret is to make it so"nd like an option rather than something
yo" a!sol"tely need him to do. (nstead o p"shing it on him#
81
present it to him in a way where he wo"ld eel comorta!le with it.
(n a n"tshell# instead o giving advice# yo" sho"ld to s"ggest
something and let him make his own mind "p a!o"t whether or not
he wants to ollow it.

Here are a ew e2amples8

%e "a-s 3rong Res'onse Correct Res'onse

C 9 3eel li0e 9 am not
1ein- reco-ni=e, enou-h
in my career< 9 3eel li0e 9
,eserve a promotion@ 1ut
my 1oss is such a
clueless Aer0<

C 9 thin0 9 am a1out to
lose my Ao1@ 1ut 9 ,ont
0no hat to ,o<

'ou ont -et anyhere
unless you tell your 1oss
a1out these issues youre
havin-< 'ou nee, to tal0
to him tomorro<

9 tol, you that this Ao1
asnt -oin- to last lon-<
There have 1een multiple
openin-s at my o33ice
recently< 'ou shoul, try
an, come an, or0
there<

9 0no its really har,
3or you< 9 0no you or0
really har, at this Ao1
an, ,e3initely ,eserve a
promotion< 9 hope you
tal0 to him some ,ay
a1out this so that he
can 3inally see that he is
i-norin- a ,eservin-
can,i,ate<

Honey@ 9 am so sorry< 9t
must 1e really har, 3or
you< 6ut 9 nee, you to
0no that 9 completely
trust your a1ilities an,
0no you ill 3in, an
even 1etter Ao1< &lso@ i3
82
C 9 3in, our relationship
very har, to ,eal ith at
times@ 1ut you Aust ,ont
seem to -et it<

Why ,o you alays 1lame
me( Ho a1out this(
May1e its you ho is
ma0in- it har, to ,eal
ith<
you thin0 you mi-ht 1e
intereste,@ there is an
openin- at my or0< 9
Aust ante, to let you
0no a1out it in case
you 3eel li0e it mi-ht 1e
the ri-ht match 3or you<
9 am so sorry that you
3eel that ay< 6ut 9 nee,
you to 0no that its
never 1een my intention
to ma0e thin-s har, on
you@ even i3 it mi-ht sort
o3 come across that ay
at times< 9 oul, love it
i3 may1e you coul, ta0e
some time out an, tal0
a1out this issue 3urther
ith me< 9 oul, li0e to
clear up a lot o3 our
misun,erstan,in-s an,
1e a1le to move 3orar,<
Ho a1out e ,o this at
,inner time toni-ht(

83
"te' 4 ! Reass"re him that he can e2pect "nwavering s"pport rom
yo"r end# no matter what.

( yo" sense that yo"r man is !eginning to get dist"r!ed d"ring the
conversation or is taking long pa"ses while talking# then he is
str"ggling with something emotionally. 0"ring s"ch a phase# re1
ass"re him that yo" are there or him.

( yo":re man does !ecome "n"s"ally <"iet# do not approach him
with an angry or conrontational tone. 0on:t orce him to talk more
when he is in this phase.

)o" can simply say# O%ell# (:ll leave yo" alone or the time !eing#
(:m aro"nd in case yo" wish to speak. He has to know that yo" are
on his side.

"te' 5 0 0o not take anything personally.

Now this is a very important step d"ring the whole sit"ation. 4ven
ater going thro"gh all o the steps a!ove# yo"r man still might not
take yo"r s"ggestion6s7 and yo" might see that he is still stressed
over the same pro!lem or similar pro!lems.

( this is the case# yo" still have to keep yo"r mood calm and
collected. Most women tend to get a little "pset when things aren&t
going their way in this type o sit"ation. (t&s completely
"nderstanda!le# !"t yo" have to also "nderstand that yo" aren&t his
therapist and that it&s not yo"r $o! to resc"e him.

)o"r man is telling yo" something indirectly. He is letting yo" know
that yo"r help isn:t needed or the time !eing# and that he will deal
with it !etter i he is let alone or now.

84
)o"r -$o!#. as a caring and loving mate# is to give him eno"gh space
whenever the need arises so that he can sel1negotiate and come to
an emotional point where he is eeling at peace again. Hntil he&s
completely comorta!le emotionally# he won&t !e anywhere near
ready to !e open with yo".

All yo" have to do is ollow step P 6"nwavering and "nconditional
s"pport7 in s"ch a sit"ation and let him know that yo" will !e
aro"nd any time he needs yo"# and that he can e2pect "nwavering
and "nconditional s"pport rom yo" at any time.

Treat him the way that yo"&d like to !e treated. (t&s a slow#
methodical training o not only him# !"t yo"rsel as well. )o"&ll !e
s"rprised at how well all o this will help yo"r levels o patience in
the relationship too.

2oints to $emem1er:

%omen "s"ally see sharing o themselves and their emotions
proves their tr"st and respect. Men see it as one o the most
v"lnera!le things he co"ld ever do.

%omen generally "se a ight1or1light mechanism when dealing
with this pro!lem with men. (t&s important to choose the correct
one# or yo"r attempts will all lat.

Make him aware that yo" aren&t there to $"dge him in any way
whatsoever. This is vital.

Tell him how his silence makes yo" eel# !"t !e very ca"tio"s and
gentle a!o"t it.

Bive him s"icient time to think.

85
%hen he does decide to talk# $"st listen.

?er s"ggestions ca"tio"sly; never order him what to do or
!erate him or not having done something 6or done something
!etter7 a!o"t it.

Reass"re him that he can also co"nt on yo" to s"pport him# no
matter what.

0on&t take anything personally. He&s working thro"gh this the
!est he can.
86

Section ):
Why ,oes con3lict happen an, ho to tac0le it(
?ne o the !iggest pro!lems that co"ples enco"nter in a marriage
or other relationship# regardless o the time line o the relationship#
is the act that they have to deal with certain iss"es over and over
again# which in t"rn wo"ld drive !oth the partners towards
perpet"al phases o r"stration.

%hen a co"ple keeps acing conlicts# resolving them only or the
time !eing# only to ind it come !ack as a seemingly new pro!lem
time and time again This ca"ses !oth involved to lose patience
with the core pro!lems# and as a res"lt they never get resolved.

Conlicts have the capa!ility to literally r"in an entire lietime. (t can
t"rn a peace"l lie into a hellish e2istence where each day co"ld
seem worse than the last.

?n the e2act opposite end o the spectr"m# conlicts also have the
potential to teach "s how to tr"ly love# respect and s"pport each
other. (t can !e "sed as a stepping stone to grow together as a
co"ple. This is !y ar the !est road to travel. ="t it all !oils down to
how yo" act or react when there is a conlict.

S"ccess"l co"ples see conlict as a way to em!race their
dierences and come to a m"t"al "nderstanding# while "ns"ccess"l
co"ples "se conlict as a way to win rom their partner.

87

Why Some $elationships Sloly Diminish or 8all &part

*ie is a series o "ps and downs. Sometimes things are great# while
other times things are diic"lt# yet we still learn something new
every single day.

As we sail thro"gh the time line o lie we are constantly t"rning
into something new each day. %e are all constantly changing
!eings. %hether we reali5e it# appreciate it# or even acknowledge it#
it doesn&t matter. %e&re changing# whether we like it or not.

The point to !e strongly noted here is this8 Most relationships
dwindle or ail !eca"se co"ples develop dierences which never
e2isted d"ring the initial phases.

(t "s"ally happens when one o the persons involved in the
relationship has changed with time into a completely new !eing#
while the other person remains the same. Then yo" have one
person who is still his or her old# o"tdated sel and one who is
growing e2ponentially day ater day.

(n time# the partner who has constantly changed# evolved# and
hope"lly improved# develops into a completely new person. As yo"
may well imagine# this can create severe conlict. ?ne seems to !e
doing all the growing rom conlict while the other appears to !e
satisied with how things are. And satisied does not e<"al happy.

And since two completely dierent h"man !eings will dier in
opinions# arg"ments !ecome an everyday phenomenon. Hnder s"ch
a sit"ation# co"ples !egin to ind a"lts with each other.

? co"rse# it !egins !y their !ecoming disrespect"l o each other:s
dierences which they see as a"lts# !"t it then soon develops into
disrespect o each other as people# mates# or possi!le lie partners.
88

4vent"ally it reaches a point where co"ples do nothing !"t point o"t
how wrong their partner is. =oth partners want the other to change
their ways# and this leads to an overall downall o the relationship.

9n or,er to ,o some ,ama-e control an, some sem1lance
o3 repair@ most couples ill en, up in counselin-<

The reason why most co"ples end "p in co"nseling is "s"ally
!eca"se one o them eels like he or she is not getting their needs
met in the relationship.

(t is e2tremely easy to ass"me that more oten than not# co"ples
grow apart !eca"se o a !ig ight# !"t the ma$ority o the time#
people ignore that relationships slowly decay thro"gh a plethora o
rather minor acts and events which are "s"ally ignored.

(n other words# two people don:t start hating each over simply
!eca"se o one thing; it:s "s"ally a collection o events over time
which ca"ses them to grow apart.

%hether they are aware o it or not# a lot o women e2pect their
partner to provide them with a sense o sec"rity# in other words#
they !ank "pon their partner or it. Hpon reading that# hal o yo"
are nodding yo"r heads in agreement while the other hal pro!a!ly
doesn&t see it. %hen they don:t see their man providing them with
the very thing they need mostJ sec"rity in the relationshipJ they
will complain resent"lly that the man "tterly ailed them.

The pro!lem !egins when yo" eel the need to change yo"r partner
so that yo"r needs can !e met# and it:s nothing !"t a long "phill
str"ggle when yo" eel that yo"r partner needs to !e i2ed. A
relationship is not a relationship anymore when yo" adopt this
attit"de o selishness# and at that point it !ecomes a transaction
89
since yo" want yo"r partner to give yo" something !eore he can
e2pect something in ret"rn. Sadly# this ormat is practically the sole
o"ndation o a relationship or millions o co"ples aro"nd the world.

Most women have the wrong deinition o what a relationship is
s"pposed to !e. (t:s not a!o"t $"st getting what yo" want. (t:s
a!o"t reely giving witho"t e2pecting m"ch in ret"rn# that:s when
yo" will tr"ly have yo"r needs met. Con"sing# ( know, ="t this
orm"la works every single time.

%hen relationships or marriages ail# the irst ca"se "s"ally is the
coldness displayed !etween co"ples# lack o concern or each other
!ecomes a daily norm. 4vent"ally it t"rns into two people $"st living
together like roommates rather than lovers. And th"s it only goes
down rom that point.

Ho it Shoul, 6e 9nstea,

Relationships sho"ld !e !ased on "nconditional acceptance# which
means yo" see yo"r man as he is# not as yo" wish him to !e. (t:s
important to allow him to !e the way he is# and it:s even more
important to "nderstand that he has his own ways which might !e
dierent rom yo"rs.

This does not mean that yo" won:t have conlicts or disagreements.
(t only means that yo" em!race and accept the act that yo"r
partner has an alternative view on things# and yo" are completely
okay with it.

Total acceptance is the key to a s"ccess"l relationship. Not only will
it keep yo" at peace with yo"rsel and with yo"r partner# !"t it will
also help yo" grow together with time. %hen yo" accept yo"r
partner the way he is# he will ret"rn the avor. As a res"lt# yo" will
have two h"man !eings who "nderstand how to love each other
"nconditionally. This is how a relationship sho"ld !e.

90
Ho Men an, Women +sually $eact Di33erently When
Thin-s Ho South in a $elationship

%hen a relationship is on a downward spiral# men tend to talk
a!o"t eeling discarded# ins"icient or no longer worthy and an
"tter ail"re on their part. %omen# on the other hand# generally talk
a!o"t eeling a!andoned# isolated# and tossed away like last night&s
gar!age.

Here is a list o things that many women do when they&re angry
with a man which essentially r"in their chances completely in a
relationship# and make things go rom !ad to worse8

They !egin the ha!it o talking down to him or disrespecting and
!erating him over and over again.

They start to totally disregard any o his needs# wishes and
desires.

They compare him to other men and inormhim o every one o
his vario"s a"lts.

They !ecome e2tremely cold and sarcastic in their daily
conversations with him.

They stop having se2 with him altogether.

They !egin to speak !ady a!o"t him !ehind his !ack and in
ront o m"t"al riends.

4very co"ple has moments where they will always disagree# !"t it&s
when yo" deal with those disagreements in the wrong way that it
can literally cr"sh yo"r relationship to pieces. And i yo" have done
any o the things mentioned a!ove# then yo" may well !e leading
yo"r relationship to a possi!ly disastro"s and catastrophic end.

91
( yo" oten complain and p"sh hard on things "ntil he gives in to
yo"r way o thinking# then yo" aren&t act"ally winning. S"re# yo"&re
winning the !attle# !"t yo"&ve destroyed yo"r chances o winning
the war in the long r"n. ?ver time# yo"&ll reali5e that no one has
won and that everyone lost in the relationship.

Here&s the thing a!o"t co"ples8 %hen a woman is complains# she is
"s"ally sending a hidden message. She is trying to say# al!eit in a
ro"nda!o"t way# O( need yo"r aection and acceptance,O

And when a man is yelling and showing the same types o !ehavior#
or sometimes not speaking at all# he is saying in his ro"nda!o"t
way# O)o" are disrespecting me# ( need respect,O

="t the primary pro!lem here is that women oten want their man
to completely "nderstand their needs witho"t really giving m"ch
importance to his needs. She wants to receive irst and then give.
That simply doesn&t work.

This is the reason why it&s so e2tremely important to know how to
handle conlicts with yo"r man eectively and in a way to where
yo" won&t ind yo"rsel in even more diic"lt sit"ations. This is
!eca"se yo" want to have yo"r needs met witho"t having to
press"re yo"r man into doing it in the end#

Heres a list o3 thin-s you simply have to ,o in or,er to
properly han,le con3licts ith your man:

1. Take time o"t# i possi!le# !eore or d"ring yo"r arg"ment. Hse
that time to gather yo"r tho"ghts# calm yo"rsel down# and
prioriti5e yo"r concerns.

2. +ig"re o"t what it is yo" will get o"t o it or what the end res"lt
yo" seek act"ally is.

92
(. Resist at all costs the "rge to play the !lame game.

+. 0o N?T !ring "p iss"es rom the past. )o" don&t want to !elch
orth a la"ndry list o his a"lts that has !een !"ilding "p over time.

2. 0on&t accept all o the !lame or the iss"es at hand yo"rsel
either.

4. )o" m"st let go o yo"r "rge to win. +ight or the relationship
and or victory over the ight.

5. 0o not try to make him eel g"ilty.

6. Choose to accept his weaknesses.

7. 0o N?T compare him to other men. He will t"ne o"t everything
said aterward as a res"lt.

18. Regardless o how m"ch yo" may want to# resist the "rge to
say anything disrespect"l to him. Take the high road.

Ta0e your time

%henever yo" eel that !"rning and ch"rning "rge to say
something e2tremely h"rt"l that will c"t deep into his so"l or ca"se
a more heated arg"ment# try to think in a rational and positive
manner. )o" want to make tho"ght1invoking points# not stinging
ones.

The primary attit"de in managing arg"ments and conlicts sho"ld !e
to make s"re that rational thinking always wins o"t and that
negative emotions are kept well in check.

So"nds simple# doesn:t it' (t&s m"ch# m"ch easier said than done
when in the heat o the moment. Keeping a cool# methodical and
rational mindset d"ring an arg"ment is one o the most diic"lt
93
things that we can possi!ly seek to "ndertake.

Making s"re that o"r clear1thinking minds control the directions o
o"r arg"ments witho"t letting o"r s"perheated emotions lead the
way re<"ires great emotional depth# strength and sel1discipline. (t
can !e <"ite the da"nting task# !"t it can !e done# and i the
relationship is to have a chance o !eing salvaged# this will prove a
very important and meaning"l skill to have in yo"r arsenal.

What is the Speci3ic En, $esult That 'ou See0(

Ask yo"rsel this <"estion8 -%hat o"tcome do ( really want or
mysel and my g"y'. )o"&ll need to choose one iss"e at a time to
disc"ss# ga"ging the importance o each iss"e. Then yo"&ll need to
prioriti5e them# p"tting the most important either irst# while all o
the openness is present# or dead last; ater everything has hope"lly
!ecome amica!le and !oth parties are listening and giving good#
prod"ctive inp"t. Then yo" need to decide on whether or not yo"r
proposed sol"tion to the iss"e at hand is practical and realistic.

="t entirely too oten# even prod"ctive arg"ment can !ecome
clo"ded with a lot o small pro!lems and "nresolved past conlicts
thrown in. This can make it nearly impossi!le to stay on topic and
the main point i oten ignored.

( yo" have iss"es which ca"se negative reactions rom yo"r
partner# then they sho"ld only !e !ro"ght "p i the desire to disc"ss
and resolve it is m"t"al. )o" also have to reali5e that it generally
makes no sense to arg"e a!o"t something which will make things
even more diic"lt.

$esist the +r-e to &ssi-n 6lame

Take steps to calmly and prod"ctively disc"ss the iss"e. Resolving
94
an iss"e re<"ires a special attit"de. (t re<"ires one o modesty and
o making the relationship a m"ch higher priority than the iss"e
itsel. (t&s vital that yo" place more val"e on yo"r relationship than
winning# losing# escaping or eeling comorta!le.

%hen yo" make it a point to !e patient# yo" !ehave in a positive
way d"ring a negative sit"ation. %hen yo" aren&t <"ick to show
negative reactions# yo" choose the path o least resistance rather
than showing instant anger.

Rather than !eing demanding# yo" reali5e that the emotion o the
moment will only do more harm than good# so yo" stay calm with
yo"r compos"re. =eing calm d"ring a conlict makes yo" think more
clearly# and a!ove all# more prod"ctively.

Try to take on a -no a"lt or !lame. o"tlook on the sit"ation. See it
as the act that it was a m"t"ally destr"ctive path that has led it to
this point# and not the path o one partner !eing any more
destr"ctive or prod"ctive than the other. The idea is to <"ash any
negative emotions and only oc"s on the positive. )o" don&t want
hold yo"r partner responsi!le or whatever has happened so ar.

4ntirely too oten in relationships and conlict# we oc"s on o"r own
needs and simply dismiss the needs o the other person and point
ingers at the other person or not p"lling their weight in the
relationship.

(t:s also important to note that when a woman is eeling "nloved#
she might say or do disrespect"l things aro"nd her man# !"t she
pro!a!ly doesn:t know that she is doing it.

Similarly# when a man is !eing !lamed# his nat"ral reaction is to
!ecome distant and withdraw. He doesn:t reali5e it that this very act
makes yo" eel more "nloved and agitated.

The main iss"e here is a little mis"nderstanding mi2ed with lack o
proper comm"nication# which can !e i2ed. ="t it all has to start
95
with adopting the no !lame# no a"lt attit"de towards yo"r man.

?nce yo" !reak thro"gh the comm"nication !arriers# it will make
!oth o yo" see each other in a whole new lightJ one that shines
!right with appreciation rather than darkens yo" with disdain and
r"stration at the mere tho"ght o talking to each other.

9ssues 3rom the 2ast ; .eave Them There
The ne2t mistake that women oten make is to constantly !ring "p
iss"es rom the past. They say things like# O)o" $"st have a ha!it o
doing this..

%hat yo":re doing is letting him know that yo" keep a record !ook
o all his past mistakes and want to make him eel !ad a!o"t it# at
every opport"nity yo" can ind.

Most women who do this !elieve that it will make him alter his
ways# !"t we all know what "s"ally happens. The g"y sh"ts down#
avoids yo" and gets s"per deensive. And this is !eca"se he eels
attacked.

)o" can:t e2pect him to appla"d yo" or it. +or the sake o all that is
important to the two o yo"# don&t !ring "p the past.

)o"&re not each other&s enemies who are o"t to do nothing more
than h"rt each other in the astest and deepest ways possi!le.
)o"&re a co"ple and yo"&re trying to solve pro!lems together.
0igging "p iss"es rom the past only makes everything a whole lot
more complicated# r"strating# co"nter1prod"ctive and more
diic"lt.

Trying to !ring "p the past will do no good# and now yo"&ve thrown
gasoline on the arg"ment and will have a m"ch harder time
!ringing it !ack to any sem!lance o -"nder control.. The past
clo"ds the iss"e and sends every single prod"ctive step the two o
96
yo" have made orward !ack FA steps.

0on:t p"nish him today or the mistakes he made yesterday. *et
events or actions o the past stay in the past.

6lamin- Him 3or the 2ro1lemIsJ

%henever there is a pro!lem# o"r irst reaction is to ig"re o"t
who:s to !lame or it. More oten than now# the !lame might all
"pon yo"r partner. ="t it takes two to grow and it takes two to
have a disagreement.

(n certain circ"mstances holding yo"r partner responsi!le might !e
$"stiied# and that is when acts state that he has tr"ly done
something wrong.

At other times# yo" might !e !laming him "nairly. +or e2ample#
let:s say yo" always tell him to take o"t the trash ater dinner and it
angers yo" to see a h"ge pile o trash still sitting there. )o" have
one o two choices8 )o" co"ld either have a h"ge arg"ment over
this and !lame yo"r man# or yo" co"ld rationally think it thro"gh
and work on inding a sol"tion.

The smart thing to do is to accept yo"r role in the pro!lem as well.
May!e he is too tired ater work and inds it diic"lt to take the
trash o"t every single day. Thereore# yo" also need to admit to the
act that yo" are pro!a!ly p"shing him a !it too m"ch.

So oten times it:s !oth the partners that act"ally have a pro!lem.
The second that yo" assign !lame to him alone or the pro!lems
yo"&re having together# it will only make it FA times harder to solve
the pro!lem together. And together is where yo"r oc"s needs to
!e.

=e willing to claim yo"r responsi!ility and role in the ongoing
97
pro!lem as well.

Always !e willing to acknowledge any role yo" may have played in
the iss"e arising and do not !e araid to admit to !oth yo"rsel and
yo"r man# when yo"# too# may have made a mistake along the way.
=y admitting yo"r role and accepting yo"r involvement in the
pro!lem# yo" show yo"r partner yo" are willing to work with him
and not against him. Remem!er# it takes two to make a relationship
work# so any pro!lems therein also re<"ire two people. ="t l"ckily# it
only takes one to lead it down the path to resolving it.

Hive up the 1urnin- ur-e to FinG an, ac0nole,-e your
partners point o3 vie

(t all has to start with acknowledging yo"r partner:s point o view.
Try to see things as he wo"ld see it. (n order to do that# yo" have
to !e a lot less deensive and a !it more "nderstanding.

(t means yo" tr"ly hear him o"t and take his concerns into
consideration witho"t eeling the need to correct him or presenting
yo"r side o the story when he is telling yo" his.

)o" have to give "p the need to !e right; it:s not a competition o
who:s right or who:s wrong. (t:s important to take notice when yo"
are slipping into a critical mindset while listening to yo"r man. *earn
to stop yo"rsel there and then.

The "rge to tell him how wrong he is can !e very strong and oten
hard to control. ="t i yo" wish long term peace then yo" have go
give "p short term gratiication.

( yo" do ind yo"rsel in a diic"lt sit"ation with yo"r man and yo"
can see that things are going rom !ad to worse# take a pa"se right
there and say8 -%e !oth are grown ad"lts# so let:s please deal with
it like ad"lts. %e owe o"rselves that m"ch# right' ( am sorry or
98
!ehaving like this# this isn:t me.. And then watch how <"ickly things
start to work o"t.

0on:t play the attack and deend game. =e open a!o"t yo"r
tho"ghts and eelings !"t do it gently and in a calm tone. 4ven the
most pressing iss"es can !e resolved when yo" ollow this
approach.

Try not to do the ol& mind1reading trick or a"tomatically interpret
everything he says negatively. /"st !eca"se yo" think yo" know
what he means# the reality is that yo" might not. Never# ever
ass"me the worst. This clo"ds yo"r $"dgment rom the o"tset and
gives neither o yo" a very air chance to s"cceed at what yo"&re
trying to accomplish here.

(nstead o oc"sing on yo"r personal !eneit# try to oc"s on what
will !eneit yo"r relationship as a whole. %ith that kind o mindset#
yo" will di"se arg"ments <"ickly and will have a !etter overall
relationship.

Do 7ot Try to Ma0e Him 8eel Huilty

(t&s a reg"lar occ"rrence in o"r society# and we see this all aro"nd
"s every single day. The woman pooches her lower lip o"t# sniles#
and pleads her man "ntil he does what she wants.

Having certain needs and e2pectations rom yo"r man is
"nderstanda!le !"t when yo" get sneaky and adopt methods to "se
g"ilt as a way to get what yo" want. )o" have crossed the line.

(t is !ad or more reasons than yo" can co"nt. Reason n"m!er one8
( yo" get acc"stomed to "sing g"ilt and always end "p getting yo"r
way# then yo" are !o"nd to "se it more and more with time.
Hnconscio"sly yo" are t"rning a small act into a permanent ha!it.
99

The conse<"ences o this aren:t immediate !"t s"race with time.
)o"r man will always eel helpless and powerless aro"nd yo" over
time. He will eel p"shed and p"lled into things he doesn:t wish to
do. 4vent"ally he will not !e a!le to tolerate it anymore and wo"ld
seek to get o"t o the relationship.

Another reason why it:s harm"l is !eca"se it wo"ld make yo"r man
hold gr"dges against yo". 4ven i things get !etter with time# in the
!ack o his mind he will always remem!er how yo" "sed to
manip"late him to get yo"r way.

This heavily shakes "p the tr"st actor in the relationship# which is
like the "el which keeps the vehicle o a relationship r"nning.
%itho"t it yo":d make no progress with each other.

&ccept His Wea0nesses

There isn:t a h"man !eing on this planet who doesn:t have a
weakness# and this goes or yo"r !oyriend or h"s!and too. Nothing
h"rts a man more than his wie or girlriends trying to either e2ploit
his weakness or point it o"t to him time and time again.

S"re yo" might !e !etter than him in certain areas and may!e yo"
can do things which he can:t. ="t this doesn:t mean that yo" sho"ld
make s"ch a thing o!vio"s to him.

Not only is it disrespect"l# !"t yo" are also hitting a man where it
h"rts the most. )o" can:t e2pect him to give yo" the love and
aection yo" desire i yo" are not willing to accept his weaknesses.

A healthy relationship is a!o"t accepting the person as a whole with
all their weaknesses and shortcomings. So "nderstand that there
are things which he can:t change# thereore accept his weaknesses.
100

Do 7ot Compare Him to !ther Men

This is !y ar one o the r"dest things yo" can do to a man. No man
wants to !e compared to another man. And it:s even worse# i yo"
compare him to an e2 !oyriend or h"s!and. 4specially when yo"
know that yo"r man doesn:t have the <"alities yo"r e2 had. )o"&ve
$"st taken one o the lowest roads possi!le. )o" $"st m"ltiplied the
c"rrent pro!lem at least tenold# i not ar more.

)o" are disrespecting him !y pointing o"t what he lacks to !egin
with# !"t i yo" throw in the act that he sorely lacks something an
e2 !oyriend or h"s!and had# yo" $"st shot yo"rsel in the oot and
r"ined any progress yo" may have made.

)o" have to "nderstand that as h"mans# we see e2 lovers as e2es
or a reason. =y getting with yo"r c"rrent g"y# yo" a"tomatically
told him thro"gh yo"r actions that he is !etter than the men !eore
him. And according to yo"# they severely lacked something that he
apparently has. That&s $"st !egging him to !ring "p negative
emotions# and he&ll always associate them with yo".

Dont Say &nythin- Disrespect3ul

There will always !e times when yo" won:t like certain things yo"r
man does. )o" will even enco"nter times when yo" a!sol"tely hate
yo"r partner and will try to arg"e a point till he inally agrees with
yo".

That is all "nderstanda!le# !"t no matter how heated the sit"ation
gets# one thing yo" m"st keep in mind8# Never ever say anything
disrespect"l to him. )o" can say instead8 (t:s alright# o"r opinions
dier# and it:s "nderstanda!le.

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with that. And this way no one
101
is wrong. ( yo"&re !oth convinced that yo" are the one that&s right
and neither party seems even close to conceding# $"st agree to
disagree. (t&s an amica!le end to a possi!ly distracting h"rdle in the
conversation.

No matter what# neve#r ever say anything disrespect"l. 0oing this
will $"st make the entire sit"ation get !lown entirely o"t o
proportion# yet again.

Creatin- a WinCWin Situation Durin- a Con3lict +sin- the
FEveryone Wins 8ormulaG

At this point ( want to share a orm"la which ( call the -4veryone
%ins +orm"la.. The theory !ehind this is to comm"nicate with yo"r
man in a way# where !oth him and yo" get yo"r needs met %hile
yo" eectively di"se arg"ments.

=eore ( tell yo" the orm"la# it:s important that yo" know e2actly
what yo" partner wants or needs. Most women don:t really listen to
their man; in act# while their man is talking they:re rehearsing what
to say ne2t in their heads. This will always keep yo" st"ck.

*isten to yo"r man# do not interr"pt him# and let him say everything
he wishes to say. And when he is done talking# ask him <"estions in
case yo" didn:t "nderstand what he meant. (t:s important to know
e2actly what he is trying to convey !eore yo" "se the -4veryone
%ins +orm"la..

Here is ho the FEveryone ins 3ormulaG or0s:

%hy is it called the -everyone wins orm"la.' %ell# when yo" p"t
this hot little n"m!er into action# everyone involved will win. (n
102
other words# yo" and yo"r man will !oth ind yo"rselves in a win1
win sit"ation.

"te' 1 0 Keep yo"r eyes and ears open and yo"r mo"th sealed.
*isten to yo"r man&s point o view with e2treme patience and let
him inish. 0o not interr"pt. %ait "ntil he asks yo" something
speciically or makes it o!vio"s he wants to hear rom yo".

"te' 2 0 Acknowledge his point o view. This means yo" accept
what is !eing said witho"t discarding it or disagreeing with it. )o"
are "nderstand the act that yo"r partner has concerns he wishes to
address# and yo" are open to hearing it witho"t pre$"dgment.

"te' ( 0 Once yo"r partner is done speaking# gently s"ggest yo"r
point o view. The keyword here is to s"ggest# not enorce. /"st as
yo" acknowledged his point o view !y !eing patient while he
spoke# he will ret"rn the avor. %hen yo" give attention# yo" are
very likely to have it ret"rned too.

"te' + 0 Ask him to give "rther inp"t. Ater yo" are done
presenting yo"r point o view# ask him what he thinks a!o"t it or i
he has any alternative sol"tions to the iss"e at hand. %hat yo" are
doing here are two things. N"m!er one8 Since yo" are catering to
his needs# he will eel a need to cater to yo"rs. And two8 =eca"se
yo" are not orcing him to do something rather gently asking# he is
very likely to say yes to it.

According to this orm"la# !oth yo" and yo"r partner win !eca"se
yo" are trying to "nderstand his point o view irst witho"t
pre$"dgment and acknowledge it# even i yo" might disagree with it.
To make this more clear# here is an e2ample8
*et&s say yo"r g"y is tired o having to miss weekends with his
riends to take a look at and try to repair a pro!lem with something
at home. He&s telling yo" to do it. (nstead o !laming him or it and
103
telling him that it&s "nair to spend time having "n with his !"ddies
when there is an iss"e at the ho"se# yo" co"ld try the ollowing
approach8
Say something like# K9t soun,s li0e youre overhelme, ith all the stu33
there is to ,o< 9 0no it must 3eel really 1othersome an, 3rustratin-@ 1ut
please un,erstan, that 9 nee, your help ith it< 9 ont 1e a1le to ,o it all 1y
mysel3<G
That&s it, Anyone that can help a person eel respected and
"nderstood is someone who will always !e very s"ccess"l in
dealing with others.

And !y telling him that yo" won&t !e a!le to do it all !y yo"rsel#
yo" gently s"ggested and asked him to $oin in# which is a very
eective way to let him know what yo" tr"ly need.
=y taking this approach# yo" will always s"ccess"lly ind a sol"tion
to the pro!lem at hand# and yo" will save yo"rsel a lot o pain.

There is a!sol"tely no reason to arg"e when there are !etter ways
in e2istence to deal with the same. The key is to always eectively
comm"nicate with yo"r man. +ollow the correct approach and yo"
will always ind yo"rsel t"rning impossi!le sit"ations into possi!le
ones.

2oints to $emem1er:

Conlicts are the perect opport"nity to either rip the two o yo"
apart or !ring yo" closer together. 0eal with them wisely.

Conlicts generally arise when one person evolves aster than the
other.

104
Relationships start to diminish and decay when the same
pro!lems are !ro"ght "p over and over again. 0on&t save them or
later to try and resolve them.

0"ring a conlict or arg"ment# take time o"t to calm down#
gather yo"r tho"ghts and prioriti5e them.

+ig"re o"t what yo" want the end res"lt o the disc"ssion to !e.

Resist the "rge to assign !lame to him.

+ight or the relationship# and not to win the arg"ment.

0on&t compare him to past men.

0on&t lower yo"rsel !y disrespecting him. Always choose the
high road.

Always try to comm"nicate in a way in which !oth o yo" win i#
at all possi!le.

105

Section: 4
What to Do When He With,ras 3rom 'ou
*ike warnings in those little new prod"ct !ooklets# what (&m a!o"t
to tell yo" !ears a similar preace. )o" know what ( mean. Those
little !l"r!s yo" get when yo"&ve $"st p"rchased a new hair dryer or
some other appliance8 -0on&t "se this near water.. 0"h, )o" have to
read them anyway# !eca"se some people act"ally do those things,

(&m going to tell yo" a!o"t men# why they withdraw sometimes
rom their !etter halves 6girlriends or wives7# and how yo"
wonder"l# !ea"ti"l# intelligent ladies can tackle it.

Ater all# in some ways a man is like an electrical appliance# and all
yo" need is to know what to do so they can "nction at their !est
and contin"e treating yo" like the <"eens yo" are. There are times
that ollowing these g"idelines won&t work# $"st like an appliance
that&s miswired. (&m talking a!o"t a man so sel1centered that the
only word or him is Mnarcissistic.&

9erhaps yo" already know this type. %hen he doesn&t get his way#
he po"ts like the grown "p little !oy that he is. He p"nishes yo" !y
ignoring yo"; disagreeing with yo"; critici5ing anything yo" do#; and
not wanting to do anything with yo". He&s ready with lowers and
sweet talk to get what he wants# and i he doesn&t# he can !e h"rt
and even mean to still try to get yo" to give in.

106

4ither way# the only thing that matters is getting his way. He&s
shallow and has no empathy or yo"r own eelings or opinions. (n
act# his sole p"rpose or hitching "p with anyone is to please
himsel. ( it doesn&t it his plans# it won&t happen.

He pretends to !e interested in yo"# !"t really doesn&t care a!o"t
yo"r interests# or yo"r riends# or anything that doesn&t !elong in his
little isolated c"!icle o a world. He&s the one yo" want to avoid#
since (&m s"re yo" can ind someone who is considerate and wants
to act"ally share lie with yo" or the advent"re it tr"ly is.

This man is hardwired and yo" can&t change him. (t&s like trying to
mi2 oil and water. /"st won&t work. Now that we have that
"nderstanding !ehind "s# let&s start.

%hat we&re talking a!o"t here is the average man who really loves
yo" and cares# !"t all o a s"dden yo" reali5e that he&s stopped
sharing as m"ch as he "sed to. All yo"r inner alarms go o# and yo"
ind yo"rsel in that Might or light& mode. )o" eel he&s distancing
himsel rom yo".

He&s not !eing r"de# disinterested or nonchalant to yo"r
in<"isitiveness. 9erhaps he answers with one word# or even a gr"nt
or two# and sometimes the answer may not even it what yo"
asked. )o" eel like strangling him# or even worse# !anning him
rom the !edroom to get his attention. *et&s not go there# please.

Now# there are two things# in general# that a woman says in s"ch
sit"ations8

1. Honey@ are you ma, at me( Di, 9 ,o somethin- ron-(G I2aranoiaJ

2. &n, hen he still ,oesnt respon,@ F8ine? DonBt tell me then?G I&ttitu,eJ

107

As (&m s"re yo"&ve g"essed# or even know rom e2perience# neither
o these help the sit"ation. ( said yo"&re smart# didn&t ('

*et me tell yo" what&s e2actly going on8

Men may act"ally withdraw when a woman is steadily reaching o"t.
( know# that&s a shock# isn&t it' -%hat'. yo"&re saying# -0oesn&t he
want to know ( care'. Act"ally# he does# !"t let me e2plain. The
worst thing yo" can do is try to change him. (nstead# learn why he
withdraws and know that it isn&t always a !ad sign i he does.

0on&t take it personally# even i it&s something he&s doing !eca"se o
anything yo" might have said or did. This will help yo" to get
thro"gh these times witho"t making things worse# and that&s what
yo" really want# right' ( know; this is something that&s easier said
than done. (t lies in the ace o everything yo"r mind tells yo" to
do.

So Why Do Men $eally With,ra(

Simply p"t# it co"ld !e something yo" did. Then again# it co"ld !e
that he has some sort o pro!lem he&s trying to cope with internally.
(t might !e something with work# the inances# any one o a !illion
dierent things. Heck# it co"ld even !e he&s worried a!o"t
something concerning yo"# !"t he&s not ready to approach it with
yo"# at least not $"st yet.

The act is that men are physiologically more reactive to stress than
women. +or them# conlict is something they don&t handle well#
!eca"se o their higher levels o emotional provocation. They will do
anything to avoid conlict. They recoil rom it and want it resolved
$"st as <"ickly as possi!le. To them# it&s like a hotwire they sho"ldn&t
to"ch.

108
Now# let&s "nderstand something else8

What Wor0s 3or 'ou@ Mi-ht 7ot Wor0 3or Him
+ace it# as a woman yo"&re wired dierently. %hat works or yo"
when aced with a pro!lem or iss"e doesn&t necessarily work or
him. )o" tend to take it more personally when the man yo" care
a!o"t withdraws and won&t share with yo" what&s going on in his
head. All yo" want to do is help him. (t eels right# !"t he won&t let
yo".

(t&s cr"cial to come to terms with this act8 what works or yo" as a
woman# doesn&t necessarily help him# as a male. +or a man to deal
with iss"es. he has to retreat in silence to his inner sanct"m#where
he can gather the calm that steadies his emotions.

Ho Women +sually Han,le 9t When Men With,ra

%hat oten happens when a man withdraws is that a woman
!ecomes aggressive. She wants to help# protect# and heal the man
she loves. She $"st knows something&s wrong# and she wants to i2
it now. She has no !ad intent at all. %hen he takes a step !ack#
she&ll take a step orward. She wants to !e close; he needs
distance.

The dance !egins. %hat was initially his pro!lem that he co"ld work
thro"gh on his own in a short while !ecomes more diic"lt !eca"se
she&s demanding his attention. All he needs is to !e let alone. (s it
any wonder that he !ecomes angry'

S"re# she sees he&s dealing with something# yet he doesn&t want to
talk a!o"t it. )et# here she is# trying to orce him to handle it in her
way and at her pace. Now that yo" think a!o"t it# doesn&t it so"nd a
!it selish' That&s not something yo" want at all.

109

+n,erstan,in- 'our $ole in &ll This

To !e honest# most women don&t reali5e what&s going on. The
reason yo"r man starts to withdraw and distance himsel might !e
!eca"se o what yo"&re doing and how that aects his thinking.

(nstinctively# he draws !ack rom what he eels is desperate
clinginess and neediness that overwhelms him, He needs emotional
distance# and instead what he&s aced with is someone trying to
intr"de and control things in a way that threatens his a!ility to eel
sae and comorta!le with yo".

He can&t en$oy spending time with yo"# !eca"se he&s !"sy
protecting himsel rom yo"r e2pectations. And the !est way to
really p"sh him away is to get angry. Nothing co"ld do more harm
to hamper his a!ility to cope than that.

%hat yo" don&t want to do is make him aware o yo"r emotional
needs in all the wrong ways. %hether or not yo" reali5e it# as a
woman# yo" can come across pretty darn strong even i yo" don&t
mean to.

( yo"&re d"mping yo"r emotions all over him in the orm o
lect"res# teaching moments# and complaints# it&s never going to
help. (nstead# witho"t even reali5ing it# he&s instinctively trying to
escape# shrinking rom the stress. Think a!o"t it. %o"ldn&t yo" do
the same'

+ace it# trying to get what yo" want !y pointing o"t what he&s not
doing right will most likely hinder rather than help yo" get where
yo" want to !e.

110
Ho to 8ix the Situation the $i-ht Way

Now comes the cr"2 o the matter. )o" need to deal with this is a
healthy way so that all ret"rns to the open and loving place it was
in the irst place !eore he !egan his withdrawal. This is something
yo" can i2,

+irst o# yo" already have the advantage that yo"&re already the
most important person in his lie. %ell# may!e ne2t to his mother# o
co"rse. =y working to "nderstand the well o emotions inside yo"#
yo"&ll !e a!le to e2press them in s"ch a way# and he&ll !e
completely mesmeri5ed.

So read care"lly# !eca"se here are the steps yo" need to ollow8

"te' 1 0 Recogni5e %hen He Starts to %ithdraw

0evelop the a!ility to see when he&s !eginning to eel overwhelmed
to the point that it&s triggering his innate need to !ack o and
distance himsel rom yo".

This is vital in order or yo" to "nderstand and see what&s going on
when it happens. =y doing this# yo" won&t !e ca"ght "nprepared
and get ca"ght "p any sense o panicky ear. )o"&ll recogni5e it or
the normal stage it is.

Here are the signs8

F. %hen he responds with one1word answers or indisting"isha!le
noises in a way yo" know that he&s oc"sed on something else.

@. %hen he&s drowning in work in s"ch a way that it cons"mes him.

Q. %hen he&s constantly aggravated r"de with yo"# and overreacting
to every little thing# no matter how trivial.

111
D. %hen he constantly t"rns every conversation into a totally
"nrelated s"!$ect# and yo"&re let wondering. -%here did that come
rom'.

R. %hen he speciically avoids the "s"al times he spends with yo"#
whether watching TC# or whatever# and does st" he hates or
dreads# s"ch as i2ing the dry wall in the garage# when he&s shown
no interest whatsoever in doing that !eore. That&s a good sign it&s
time to give him some space.

)o" need to reali5e what&s happening when yo" see these
!ehaviors. (n this way# yo" can recogni5e what&s going on and !e
prepared. (t&s terri!le to !e ca"ght "naware and "na!le to <"ell
yo"r instinct"al !ehaviors that yo" think can help !"t act"ally work
against yo".

What 7ot to Do When This is Happenin-

Don,t# on the pain o death# try to reason with him or !arrage him
with <"estions a!o"t his !ehavior. He&s already eeling stressed# and
this co"ld add "el to the ire# making him retreat even "rther into
his shell# making it harder or him to deal with whatever is tro"!ling
him.

3hat 9o& "ho&ld Do

Simply p"t# give the man some space. =ack o. Stay in control.
0on&t let yo"rsel get ca"ght "p in an emotional or mental tangle
$"st !eca"se his !ehavior&s dierent. He&s in his shell !eca"se he
needs to !e there in order to recover emotionally rom whatever
he&s str"ggling with.

Men spend a lot o time in their own heads# thinking. (t co"ld !e
anything rom st" that he knows needs to get done# like the
Mhoney do& list yo"&ve !een reminding him o lately# proposals#
appointments or goals at work# or "p the ladder to more ma$or
things.

112

9erhaps he&s o!sessing a!o"t whether or not he can aord o $"stiy
a new vehicle 6hey# men are car minded# yo" know7 or whether to
let go o a good employee# !eca"se the company&s inances need it#
or their !ehavior 6may!e they&re dealing with stress o their own,7 is
o lately.

Branted# these are wide e2amples# !"t the point is# anything might
!e weighing on his mind. 0on&t ass"me it&s yo" or that yo" know
what it is and act on it. ( yo" get it all wrong# yo" can make things
m"ch worse.

( know it&s diic"lt# and no do"!t yo"&ll str"ggle with some h"rt
eelings and may!e even insec"rity in these "nknown waters. (n the
end# tho"gh# these are eect"al ways to !ring everything !ack into
a sem!lance o !alance again.

4ven men wo"ld eel the same i the sit"ation was reversed# !"t
hey# this isn&t a g"ide or men. (t&s or yo" throngs o women o"t
there who are "nnecessarily eeling h"rt# r"strated# angry and
perple2ed as to what in the world is going on with yo"r man and his
relationship with yo".

"te' 2! He 0oesn&t Always Know it Aects )o" 4motionally# So
Train )o"rsel Not to React Negatively

(t&s !een said that men are sometimes cl"eless. %ell# in this case#
it&s tr"e. ?ten# a man literally has no cl"e that yo"&re h"rt when he
emotionally distances himsel rom yo". He doesn&t even remotely
reali5e what he&s doing while he&s in the middle o it.

That&s why he gets so agitated when yo" try to reach o"t to him at
the time. He honestly e2pects yo" to "nderstand and accept what&s
going on# no matter how impractical or illogical or easi!le that is.
113
To him# it&s not a !ig deal.

%hereas in yo"r world# yo" can&t "nderstand why yo"r man doesn&t
see how h"rt yo" are. At the time# he&s the most "ncaring person in
the world# and it h"rts. This can ca"se deep emotional scars i
yo"&re not aware o what&s tr"ly going on. This is why ( want to
ed"cate and empower yo". As i a woman needs more power# right'
%ell# in this case# more is deinitely !etter# or the !oth o yo".

So# the ne2t nat"ral step is to control yo"r reaction6s7. Take time to
o"tline how yo" "s"ally react to him when he emotionally
withdraws rom yo". 0o yo" rantically try to reconnect with him'
Most women do so o"t o a sense o panic. They reak o"t# making
it diic"lt to control themselves. Right then it !ecomes the -make it
or !reak it. moment in what they are certain is an already damaged
relationship.

=y recogni5ing yo"r patterns to see i yo" get all worked "p and are
in a ha!it o o!sessing the entire day when yo"r man withdraws#
yo" can recogni5e that yo"&re p"tting o"t a negative vi!e that
p"shes yo"r man away rather than draws him closer to yo". At that
point# i yo" ail to reali5e what yo"&re doing# it can lead to h"rt at
yo"r own e2pense.

Reali5e that his withdrawal may have nothing to do with yo". Things
will ret"rn to normal. (t $"st takes time. A man&s negative or distant
emotional state may not !e a!o"t yo" at all. ( he seems remote#
!"t otherwise loving in a way that yo"&re conident a!o"t# he may
$"st need time to "nwind. )o"&ll only make it harder on yo"rsel i
yo" $"mp to the wrong concl"sions and make it a!o"t yo" or
something yo"&ve done. )o" can&t aord to take this personally or

see it as anything negative or else it&s going to lead to a conlict that
p"ts yo" in a deensive and reactive state. (nstead# yo" want to !e
prod"ctive and 'roactive.

*et him have his space. %e all need it. (&m s"re yo"&ve even
wanted it at times rom him# even when everything is antastic. (t&s
114
something healthy or "s all. Try to "se yo"r nat"ral git o empathy
and p"t yo"rsel in his place# imagining the emotions he may !e
e2periencing. ( yo" are overwhelmed at times yo" wo"ld pro!a!ly
seek a way o"t# too. Taking space is a man&s way to rela2#
emotionally.

0on&t start a conversation with him# "nless it&s a!sol"tely necessary.
=elieve it or not# most o the time# it can wait.

%ait and let him come to yo". %hen he does# !e ready. =e rela2ed#
open and inviting. Breet him with a gen"ine smile# knowing that
he&s working hard to make progress. At least he&s no longer
catatonic, ="t remem!er# there&s no room or acc"sations, Chase
away any desire at all to -p"t him in his place.. (t wo"ld r"in any
progress# and he&ll $"st digress !ack into his shell# pro!a!ly even
worse and or longer.

+oc"s on yo"rsel. 0o# or ind things to do# that yo" love and en$oy.
Bet yo"r mind o him. Bo o"t with riends; try something or
someplace new that yo"&ve wanted to do recently. =etter yet#
pamper yo"rsel. Bo to a spa# go shopping# and spoil yo"rsel. Bet a
massage and rela2.

May!e yo"&ll inally start "p the pro$ect yo"&ve !een passionately
thinking a!o"t orever. Now&s the perect time. The point is# do
anything to take yo"r mind o the pro!lem. (t&ll !e an immense
!eneit or yo"# whereas dwelling on things at home can make a
mangled mess o !oth o yo".

"te' ( ! Bive Him the Bit o Space the ?ther Bit That Keeps ?n
Biving

Remem!er# when a man is avoiding# arg"ing and emotionally
distancing himsel rom yo" or no apparent reason# he&s saying#
-9lease give me space. (&ll !e !ack soon# when ( eel !etter..
0on&t interpret this to mean# -(&m sick and tired o yo" and want to
leave,.
115

(t&s this e2act mis"nderstanding that ca"ses women to str"ggle with
giving the man the space he so desperately needs. And why'
=eca"se# it&s hardwired in a woman&s 0NA to ight to keep her man
and to keep him rom a!andoning them.

Ho .on- Do 9 7ee, to Wait(

Here&s another tricky part. (t&s nat"ral to wonder how long yo"
sho"ld wait or yo"r man to get over what seems to !e an apparent
never1ending withdrawal.

There&s no simple answer. 4very man is as dierent rom other men#
$"st as every woman is dierent rom other women. Hltimately# the
decision is yo"rs. His withdrawal co"ld last days or months. S"rely
yo" won&t p"t yo"r lie on hold# and i that&s tr"e# it really doesn&t
matter how long it takes.

( yo"&re conident in yo"r relationship# yo"&ll stick !y it and !e the
rock he t"rns to when it&s time. S"re it&s da"nting# !"t yo"&re strong.
This is where the ight to keep him !elongs. This is how&ll yo"&ll get
!ack what yo" want. So# don&t give "p. He&ll love yo" all the more
or it. And hey# isn&t that why yo"&re reading this' As ( said# yo"&re
an intelligent woman.

Shoul, 9 Say Somethin- to Ma0e Him $eturn 8aster (

A!sol"tely, )o"&re not !lind# yo" can see that something is wrong
and he&s not dealing well with it. And now# yo" want to eel !etter
a!o"t giving him the time and space he needs to recover rom
whatever that is. =y saying something# yo"&ll release him rom any
emotional !"rden he might carry a!o"t his treatment o yo" and
he&ll recover m"ch <"icker.
116

Here&s an e2ample o what yo" might say to him8

Honey# ( see that something&s !othering yo" and it&s really diic"lt.
( it&s !eca"se o something (&ve done or said# yo" can always say
anything to me# honestly# witho"t worrying that (&ll take it
negatively.

( it&s anything else# ( hope yo"&ll ind a sol"tion soon. (n the
meantime# (&ll leave yo" alone# knowing things will get !etter soon.
/"st know that (&m aro"nd anytime yo" need or want me or
anything. ( don&t want to !other yo" with my own iss"es. *ove yo".

&n, When He Comes 6ac0 an, Thin-s are 7ormal &-ain

%hen he crawls o"t o his shellJ and he will# since yo"&re allowing
him his time and spaceJ (&m s"re yo"&ll !e thrilled and ready.
%hatever yo" do# tho"gh# don&t have an attit"de with him as to
why it took him so long.

(n act# the !est way is to act as i yo" !arely noticed he was
-gone#. never in an "ncaring# dismissive sense as i yo" didn&t even
reali5e what was going on# !"t as i it didn&t weigh heavily on yo".

That way it&ll help relieve him o any g"ilt he might still eel or
having possi!ly h"rt yo". And that&s where yo" have the power#
really.
2oints to $emem1er:

Men can withdraw at the most inopport"ne times# !"t try not to
take it personally. (t isn&t a!o"t or !eca"se o yo".
117

Men withdraw when things !ecome diic"lt or them to handle
emotionally.

%hat normally works or yo" d"ring similar times# may not
necessarily work or him.

%omen tend to come on even stronger when their man
withdraws. Avoid this like the plag"e. (t will do more harm than
good. (t will possi!ly overwhelm him or co"ld clo"d his already
chaotic tho"ght process.

( yo" seem to try too hard and !ecome clingy# this can
overwhelm him and may well have !een one o the root ca"ses
leading "p to his c"rrent condition.

*ook or the signs that he may !e starting to withdraw and
ad$"st yo"r !ehavior accordingly.

Hnder any circ"mstances whatsoever# do not try to reason this
with him or ask him endless <"estions a!o"t his changed !ehavior
towards yo". (t will $"st make things m"ch worse.

Try to !ack o and let him come to yo" when he is ready.

A man doesn&t always reali5e that his sh"tting down is aecting
yo" emotionally. Try not to react negatively when he does. (t will
likely only e2acer!ate the sit"ation.

Keep yo"r oc"s on yo" "ntil things are clearer and -saer..
118

Bive him as m"ch time as he needs. =oth o yo" will !e thank"l
or it later.

)o" can say things to possi!ly hasten his ret"rn# !"t choose yo"r
words wisely. (t can !e a do"!le1edged sword i yo" say the wrong
thing# say it in the wrong tone# or say too m"ch at once and
overwhelm him.

=e pleased when he ret"rns to his "s"al sel and ret"rns to yo"
rather than react with the possi!le negativity yo" may have !een
holding in.

119
Section: 1"
Thin-s a1out men you alays ante, to 0no
1ut never un,erstoo,L
*et&s ace it8 the male creat"re is !aling. That&s why it:s so hard to
"nderstand them. Can yo" honestly co"nt the times yo"&ve asked#
-%hat in the world was he thinking'.

To !etter prepare yo" in yo"r vent"re o a relationship with this
strange creat"re# this section will cover all those !"rning <"estions
yo"&ve had a!o"t why yo"r man does what he does.

All is e2plained in a n"tshell# and since yo"&ve already gone thro"gh
the other sections o this !ook and have a air idea a!o"t what
makes a man tick# yo"&re well on yo"r way to !eing prepared to
tackle the world o maleness in a way that leaves yo" "ndamaged
and "nscathed !y their -weirdness.. So it&s on to a whole new level
o "nderstanding,

Now let:s address some o the most pressing <"estions women
have.
120
9 3eel li0e a horri1le na- or nee,y hen 9 as0 him to pay
more attention to me@ 1ut 9 nee, to 0no hy hes stoppe,
payin- attention to me li0e he use, to(G

To p"t it !l"ntly# men can !e totally o!livio"s to the act they&re
ignoring yo". They oten take yo" or granted. And yo"&re let with
inding some way to comm"nicate that need to him# or he&ll never
ig"re it o"t on his own. As stated previo"sly# men can&t read yo"r
mind anymore than yo" can theirs# so i he isn&t made aware o
these things he can&t !e e2pected to change them.

="t i yo"&re not care"l and don&t know how to approach him# yo"&ll
end "p p"shing him away# which is totally the opposite o what yo"
want to do. Hnintentionally and "nknowingly# yo" do this !y sticking
to him like gl"e every chance yo" get# while e2pecting him to do the
same with yo".

Ater all# that&s what the !oth o yo" did in those early days o
getting close. )o" co"ldn&t get eno"gh o each other. 4veryone
looked at the two o yo" and smiled knowingly# while yo" were
o!livio"s to anything and everyone else. ="t it&s !een a while#
yo"&re settled in# and things change.

There is a saying that applies here# and that is there can act"ally !e
-too m"ch o a good thing.. A good analogy might !e something
like this8 )o" have pancakes# !acon# eggs and r"it or !reakast
great, Then again or l"nch. ?k# it&s still good.

Then or dinner. Hmm# e2c"se me# honey# !"t is this all we have to
eat' Now imagine that goes on or every single day or months# or
even years. Ater a while# yo"&d still eat o"t o h"nger# !"t yo" s"re
wo"ldn&t en$oy it,

Now# don&t $"mp to concl"sions, This doesn&t mean that a man can&t
121
!e happy with yo" or the rest o his lie or that he might need
another woman now and then.

(t does mean that yo"&re crowding him. %hat yo" see as a loving
gest"re and a show o yo"r idelity and adoration is something
dierent to him. )o" don&t reali5e that what he needs is space. He
doesn&t want or need a woman to take over his lie or to smother
him. (t&s important and will go a long way into keeping yo"r
relationship solid when yo" can recogni5e what&s taking place# and
ease o. 0on&t give him the chance to get tired o yo". (n act# the
trick is to leave him wanting more and wanting to !e with yo".

Clinging to him triggers him to withdraw rom yo" and act"ally p"sh
away# whereas yo"&re $"st trying to get him to meet yo"r own
emotional needs. No wonder yo"&re con"sed,

)nother fact 0 /en have one!trac* minds. The-,re not good
at m&lti!tas*ing.

?k# let me clariy something right away. -?ne1track. minds here do
not mean what yo"&re thinking, Now that&s cleared "p.

)o" walk into the room# and he&s watching oot!all. )o" attempt to
tell him something important or $"st get his attention# and may!e
even walk invitingly !etween him and the TC. Now# this can happen
whether he&s watching TC# doing something on a comp"ter# or
working on a pro$ect. (t can !e anything he&s intensely oc"sed on.

He may not only ignore yo"# !"t act"ally get angry. The reason
!ehind this is that men can&t m"lti1task near as well as women# who
oten $"ggle things like talking on the phone# cooking# caring or
children# and any n"m!er o other activities. Then again# i yo"
think a!o"t it# when yo"&re watching a movie that yo"&re really into#
yo" don&t like !eing interr"pted either# right' %ith a man# it&s a
physiological dierence.

So i yo"&re trying to get his attention while he&s !"sy doing
122
something else 6and the attention doesn&t involve something like#
say# the ho"se !"rning down7# yo"r !est !et is to wait "ntil he&s
done with whatever has his mind in a vice1grip at the moment.

:ossible "ol&tions:

%hen yo" sense that yo"r man is getting distant or no apparent
reason# $"st let him have that space instead o trying to ask him
what&s wrong or why he&s avoiding yo".

Never demand his love or attention. (nstead try to do things that
will nat"rally attract it. )o"&re a woman; yo"&re int"itive and
creative. /"st think o the things yo" did that attracted him to yo"
!eore. (&m s"re that yo" didn&t crowd him# right' Most men don&t
stay with women who do. There&s a ine !alance !etween letting
him know yo" want to !e with him# and p"shing to let him know to
s"ch an e2tent yo"&re literally hanging all over him at any given
moment. Try and imagine a leech. That is not something yo" want
to !e seen as.

The !est way to let him know yo" eel h"rt !y some o the things
he does is to do so gently# and even indirectly. 0on&t indicate that
yo"&re r"strated angry# or even lonely. %hen he looks at yo"# smile#
!"t don&t do anything overtly# and control yo"r e2pression and !ody
movements so it doesn&t indicate e2treme need. )o" want him to
know that yo" want to !e close to him witho"t making him eel
yo"&re desperate and can&t do anything witho"t him. )o" might even
say something like8

Honey# $"st wanted to let yo" know that ( eel h"rt when yo"&re
avoiding me sometimes. However# ( also want yo" to "nderstand
that i yo" need space# it&s ok. ( don&t mind giving that to yo"..

Note8 0on&t say this when he&s act"ally !"sy# !eca"se it will !e $"st
123
another interr"ption.

The time to really catch his attention is when he isn&t !"sy.
Remain pleasant# and pleasing. %ait "ntil the time when he&s done
with whatever it is he&s doing.

Ho ,o 9 help him un,erstan, an, 3ul3ill my nee,s(

*earn to "nderstand irst i yo" want to !e "nderstood. A lot o
women want their man to "nderstand their sit"ation witho"t giving
any oc"s to his sit"ation irst. Hnderstand him as a man and how
he works irst. ?nce yo" do# yo" will reali5e that he will nat"rally try
to meet yo"r needs.

(t&s only when yo"r insec"rities get the "pper hand that yo"&re
prone to thinking he doesn&t want yo" at all and that he is ignoring
yo"r needs. (t&s yo"r nat"re to n"rt"re and love and give# more so
than his as a man# with the e2ception that a man will go to the ends
o the world to protect and take care o the woman he loves# and
his children.

All it takes is an "nderstanding o how to keep !eing that giving
woman in a way that doesn&t "ndermine yo". The orm"la is very
simple yet it&s e2tremely diic"lt to implement !eca"se# !eing
h"mans# we nat"rally want o"r own needs met irst.

Hnderstanding him and "sing yo"r innate skills as a woman to
deliver concrete e2pressions o love witho"t e2pecting anything
!ack immediately is the golden key that g"ards the solid core o the
lie in yo"r relationship.

( yo" can&t give witho"t e2pecting something speciic in ret"rn#
then yo"&ll never !e really happy. That&s $"st manip"lation.
Relationships are indeed give and take# !"t not every -give.
necessarily warrants an immediate ret"rn on that investment.
124

And it sho"ldn&t. ( changing diapers and taking care o a child
demanded an instant ret"rn or that care# all parents wo"ld give "p
long !eore the !a!y co"ld crawl let alone walk. There are times
when yo" $"st do something !eca"se it&s right# and may never get
what might !e considered a ret"rn or it.

*oving and prod"ctive comm"nication involves knowing how to talk
a!o"t things that are diic"lt to say and diic"lt to hear and doing
so witho"t making each other misera!le. =oth o yo" have to !e
a!le to share h"rt eelings witho"t creating more h"rt eelings.

There are times when yo" have to literally !ite yo"r tong"e 6yo"
might want to have lots o pain meds near!y7 and listen# even while
yo"&re !"rsting to make yo"rsel heard. There are times when yo"
contin"e to talk in order to help him "nderstand# even when yo"&re
tired o talking. =asically# it&s learning when to speak# when not to
speak# and how to speak. So"nds a lot like -hear no evil# speak no
evil# see no evil. doesn&t it'

+or a man and a woman to meet each other&s needs# it takes a
deeper "nderstanding o one another# as well as "nderstanding o
what their relationship is !ased on. There are needs a woman has
that a man m"st meet and sho"ld want to meet o"t o his love or
her# and the same goes or a woman.

This $o"rney o sel1"nderstanding and "nderstanding the other to
the !est !oth can m"ster is a lie1long advent"re. As long as yo"
"nderstand that# and where yo"&re coming rom# as well as where
he&s coming rom# it will all work o"t.
Why ,oes it seem that he never ,oes hat 9 tell him to ,o(

This "s"ally happens when yo" demand yo"r partner to do
something instead o re<"esting him. This is where o"r h"man
railty comes into play again. Think a!o"t it. 0o yo" preer that
125
someone demands something o yo"# or that they ask' The same
goes or a man# and may!e even more so. So# remem!er# always
ask and never tell.

And watch that tone o voice, (t matters. Men are s"per1sensitive to
tones# inlections# !ody movements# glances# and even the words
"sed. Men don&t want to !e married to their mom# and women don&t
want dictators. %hen it comes to !eing intimately close# it&s always
!est to ask# never tell. (ntimacy re<"ires tr"st. 0emands kill tr"st.

Re<"ests show caring and respect# demands indicate that the tr"st
o a loving relationship has died. 4ssentially the person making
demands is saying he>she can&t tr"st the other to meet the re<"est.
)o" want to airm yo"r man&s worth and a!ilities and not !e a drill
instr"ctor. 6Are yo" listening' No place or a !"llhorn here.7

)o" want him to know he&s worthwhile to yo"# that what he does or
can do is something yo" val"e. ?nly a dictator demands# not a
lover. No man wants the woman he loves and eels sae with to !e a
dictator. So# instead o treating him like a slave 6p"t away the
shackles# girls7 treat him like the man yo" ell in love with in the
irst place8 a man who has choices and makes good ones# especially
with and or yo".

Why ,oes he 0eep -ettin- an-ry ith me(

A man&s anger is oten a response to eeling disrespected !y his
wie or girlriend. He may not come o"t and say# -Stop it# yo"&re
disrespecting me,. ="t# there&s a good likelihood that he eels h"rt
!y something that yo" have done or said that has h"miliated him or
let him eeling like yo" see him as -less. than the man he is.

*et him cool o while he&s angry. ?nce he&s calm# yo" can try
approaching him. =e s"re yo"&re calm and reasona!le as well.
Apologi5e# and say something like8

126
(&m sorry i something (&ve done makes yo" angry. Co"ld yo"
please tell me e2actly what it is that !others yo"' (&ll do what ( can
on my part to make it !etter..

Note8 i yo" notice him start to !ecome agitated when yo" approach
him# wait. May!e he&s still working it thro"gh inside himsel.

Do &nto him1 as -o& #o&ld have him do &nto -o&. There&s
that Bolden R"le that we oten orget in o"r closest relationships.
%e all want to !e treated with respect. Most o "s don&t !elieve we
are respected as m"ch as we deserve. ( yo"&re ever the parent o a
teen# yo"&ll really "nderstand that. The !est way to change that is
to start treating him with respect in everything yo" do and say. )o"
can still let him know i yo"&re eeling h"rt# !"t the way yo" do it
will make all the dierence.

Why are men so a3rai, o3 intimacy an, commitment(

(t&s not that men can&t commit# altho"gh there are some that can&t.
%e won&t disc"ss those. Men can and do commit in many ways.
They commit to their $o!s# their parents and other amily mem!ers#
and to riends. And they act"ally crave intimacy; it&s a driving orce
in them to do so.

Men don:t ear the idea o commitment# what they&re araid o is
making an e2cl"sive commitment with a shrew o a woman# a
woman who# !eca"se o her e2treme "nhealthy neediness# can
drain the lie o"t o them. (t&s m"ch like spirit"al vampirism# i yo"
can pict"re that.

( he thinks yo"&re a woman like that# it&s going to !e almost
impossi!le to convince him to commit no matter how many tricks
yo" "se to convince him. The !est thing is to stop trying. Stop
!eating him "p emotionally a!o"t what he&s doing or not doing that
makes yo" so misera!le. Stop !eing misera!le in the irst place# at
least not witho"t a really good ca"se.

127
( it&s come to the point that he already thinks yo"&re the wrong
woman# then he&s right. )o" are the wrong woman# and the same
goes or yo". ( yo" have reached a point where yo" eel he&s not
the right man or yo"# then he most likely isn&t. ( he&s decided
yo"&re the wrong woman or him# then he&s clearly the wrong man
or yo".

Why ,oes he never remem1er the mista0es he ma,e(

This has to do with the act"al dierences in a man&s and a woman&s
!rain. %omen will oten hold onto the memory o an emotional
event# while men tend to let it go. This is also why women can
m"lti1task !etter than men. (t has its pl"ses and min"ses.

Men oten move on less scarred rom a tra"matic event and more
readily orgive when it comes to something a woman might say or
do that has h"rt them. ?n the other hand# women "nless they&re
care"l to "nderstand and not do this# hold onto oenses and h"rts
way !eyond what may !e necessary.

Why ,oesnt he -ive me a clear anser hen 9 as0 him
somethin- re-ar,in- our relationship(

Here&s where it may !e important to e2ercise patience. Many g"ys
have diic"lty e2pressing their tho"ghts and emotions. Have yo"
ever watched two men who are very close riends' ( so# have yo"
noticed that they $oke aro"nd a lot# may!e even commiserate a !it
with each other a!o"t whatever it is they&re e2periencing in their
lives# which can incl"de their wives or girlriends as m"ch as
diic"lties at work'

="t yo"&ll rarely see them crying on each other&s sho"lders# and
yo"&ll never see them sharing their most intimate tho"ghts or
eelings like women do. This is why he needs yo". B"ys want to
128
share their eelings !"t need more time to act"ally ind words to
e2press it !etter. B"ys think one thing thro"gh several times over
!eore they e2press it to yo". So it&s important to !e patient in this
regard.

9 sho lots o3 love 1ut he ,oesnt seem to 1e happy
aroun, me<

?ne o the !est ways yo" can show love is to !e on yo"r g"ard to
ind ways to enco"rage and s"pport him. )o" sho"ld !e his !est
admirer# over and a!ove anyone else. (t doesn&t take a lot or a man
to eel !elittled1 especially in a relationship. He is on the looko"t
a!o"t how she sees him or what she is thinking a!o"t him# even
when he&s distant rom his partner.

%itho"t even reali5ing it# he is on the constant search or instances
which might indicate that his woman doesn&t think that highly o
him. A man can think internally talk himsel into eeling misera!le
"nless yo" give him constant re1ass"rance and a lot o
enco"ragement that he is doing a great $o! in the relationship as a
man.

Cocali5ing how yo" !elieve in whatever he&s working to achieve as
well as showing it in yo"r attit"de and actions works as the most
power"l aphrodisiac yo" can imagine with him. He can&t help !"t
eel yo"r love and respect.

%ith "nconditional s"pport# a man&s conidence skyrockets in a
relationship and he will work harder on !ettering himsel to provide
or yo" and meet yo"r needs even more.

129
Why ,oes he say 9 tal0 too much(

%omen "se two to three times more words to descri!e a certain
thing in comparison to men. is an old clichS. And# "nort"nately# this
can !e tr"e. Men# however# are more p"rpose1oriented and need to
know the main point o the conversation !eore it even starts.
Thereore# yo" sho"ldn&t !e s"rprised when a man eels
overwhelmed with all the words and little details# as r"strating or
yo" as it may !e.

A man !ecomes e2ha"sted and soon loses interest i yo" ill yo"r
conversations with all sorts o tid!its and e2tra details. (nstead#
think o how children# teenagers# and elders oten need things
stated simply and s"ccinctly. Try making it easier or him to process
all this wonder"l inormation yo" want to share with him.

Why ,oesnt he seem to reco-ni=e that hes in a
relationshipD that he has commitments(

This is deinitely a sore spot with women. ="t the act is that $"st
!eca"se a man is in a relationship doesn&t mean the two aren&t
individ"als that have separate interests and activities. The same
sho"ld go or yo"# as well. At times# it may seem as i he&s ignoring
yo" in avor o these other o"tside interests almost as i he&s
trying to live a lie separate rom yo".

There are two ways to deal with this8

l +irst o# $"st !eca"se yo"&re in a relationship doesn&t mean
that&s !ecome all o who yo" are 6or him# either7. Thereore#
yo" sho"ld have yo"r own riends and activities that yo"
en$oy# and not to the e2cl"sion or detriment o yo"r
relationship# o co"rse# !"t to keep yo" a whole and healthy
person mentally and emotionally. (n this way# yo" contin"e to
!ring more to yo"r relationship over time.
130

l )o" can also say something like#

Honey@ 9 0no you enAoy -oin- out ith your 3rien,s@ an, that its important
3or you< Must please ,ont 3or-et that 9 sometimes can miss the oneConCone
moments e can have an, have ha, 1e3ore< 9, really love to ,o somethin-
ith you that e 1oth coul, enAoy hen you 3eel li0e it<G

This is another great loving git. *et yo"r man !e dierent rom yo"
and ree him rom demands and e2pectations. %hen yo" do that#
yo" give him the reedom to "lill those e2pectations in ways that
may well e2ceed yo"r own.

He 0eeps ,oin- thin-s 9 hate< Ho ,o 9 stop him(

?h !oy# yo" messed "p and orgot something very important which
sho"ld have !een done ages ago. (n the ine!riations o irst love#
yo" didn&t set proper !o"ndaries that made it clear what&s ok with
yo" and what isn&t. +ailing to clariy speciic do&s and don&ts may
lead to inding yo"rsel aced with varying sit"ations where he
keeps doing and saying things that make yo" "ncomorta!le even
when yo"&ve told him not to.

+or e2ample8 *et&s say every time he&s with yo" in p"!lic# he makes
eyes at other women# and may!e even whistles and lirts, ? co"rse
this wo"ld and sho"ld !other yo". This is how yo" can approach it#
when yo"&re alone together8

Honey@ 9 0no that at the 1e-innin- o3 our relationship@ 9 ,i,nt say anythin-
hen you 3lirte, ith other 3emales@ 1ut no 9 ant to let you 0no that it
,eeply hurts me< 9 3in, it humiliatin- an, ,e-ra,in- an, am em1arrasse, 1y
it< While 9 0no 9 ,ont control you or your ,ecisions@ 9, still appreciate it i3
you 0ept my 3eelin-s in min,<G
131

( he contin"es to do whatever it is yo"&ve shared yo"r eelings
a!o"t# then take some space and leave him alone or the time
!eing. This may so"nd a !it harsh# !"t i he doesn&t seem to
"nderstand yo"r eelings and needs and completely neglects them#
then it&s o!vio"s he doesn&t really care a!o"t yo" in the irst place.

(t&s not yo"r responsi!ility to change him# anyway. He has to want
to do it himsel !eca"se he knows he needs to. (n this way# a little
distance and silence# in moderation can help. Hse it "ntil yo" calm
down and can !e rational a!o"t the sit"ation. %hat yo" don&t want
is a power play where no!ody wins.

Why cant 9 tal0 to him li0e 9 tal0 to my -irl3rien,s(

He&s a man. ( yo" share things with him that yo" sho"ld rather !e
sharing with yo"r emale riends# he&s going to want to help yo" i2
whatever he thinks is wrong. )o" may $"st want to vent# cry on a
sympathetic sho"lder or even need a little attention. Nothing&s
wrong with that. /"st don&t depend on yo"r man to act like one o
yo"r emale riends. (t&s already !een esta!lished that men are
woe"lly lacking in that area.

Ho ,o 9 0no hen to -ive him space(

( things have !een going so"th or some time in yo"r relationship#
let it go or a while. Stop trying to i2 or control it. This is the !est
thing yo" can do or yo"rsel. Stop oc"sing on what he&s doing or
what yo"&re not getting rom him. ?ten# when yo" $"st let it all roll
o yo"r sho"lders it will ind a way o i2ing itsel# or at least
!ecoming less o a pro!lem than yo" think it may !e. 4ither way# it
eases the stress. And right now# it&s the stress that&s !reaking the
relationship. The more respect and reedom yo" give yo"r g"y# the
more he&ll appreciate !eing with yo". The same goes or him.

132
Sometimes# men need more time alone than women do. Try and !e
happy to allow him his time alone. (t&s a -g"y thing.. %hen he
!o"nces !ack# things will appear to !e m"ch !etter. And remem!er#
he&ll always come !ack# when yo" let go like that.

Why is it o0ay 3or him to mention other omen 1ut 9 can
never tal0 a1out another -uy ithout ma0in- him Aealous(

)es# it&s completely "nair o him i he does this. +or one thing# he
sho"ldn&t mention other women aro"nd yo"# especially i it&s in a
way that makes yo" eel insec"re somehow. As or !eing $ealo"s#
this "s"ally happens !eca"se men are territorial. B"ys are nat"rally
protective o what they view as theirs# which sho"ld never !e
con"sed with !eing s"spicio"s o their partners.

They think and eel things on a completely dierent level thereore
i their partner shows any attention to another g"y# they get very
"neasy. (t&s a !iological thing. ( yo"&re involved with him and yo"
strike "p a conversation with another g"y or come into physical
contact with another g"y# it will make him eel "neasy. %hile he
may not show instant aggression# he can deinitely !e dist"r!ed
heavily !y it.

A man "s"ally thinks -( m"st !e lacking something i she&s so
interested in that g"y.. And sometimes men get aggressive# !"t only
hotheads and severely insec"re men act"ally resort to violence or
conrontations. *et&s hope yo"r g"y isn&t o that sort# or yo" may
eel like crawling "nder the nearest rock# or at worst# end "p !ailing
him o"t o $ail.
He pro!a!ly $"st has this twinge o ear that some other man co"ld
replace him# and that makes him eel a !it threatened. The good
news is i he&s got a healthy sel1esteem and i yo"&ve managed to
make him eel well loved and respected# the twinge sho"ldn&t last.
How each man deals with that concern is on a case1!y1case !asis.

Why is he alays tryin- to control the relationship(
133

4ver notice that g"ys eel women are control reaks sometimes'
%ell# the act is# g"ys have this innate need to -eel. in control. This
doesn&t mean they have to always get their way# !"t they do need
to eel that things won&t happen "nless they -allow. them to
happen. How many times have yo" or yo"r riends said something
a!o"t wanting -take charge. men who -are heads o the
ho"sehold.'

B"ys hear those things and take notice# and sometimes they take
them to heart more than others. %hen a man does that# this can
create insec"rities when he thinks he&s losing that control. 9l"s#
women rown "pon men who s"!mit to no control at all. A man who
can s"!mit to right a"thority is one !est s"ited to control. That&s the
!alance.

So# how&s the !est way to handle that' Think a!o"t it. %o"ld yo"
want yo"r man making a ma$or decision witho"t checking with yo"#
or at least letting yo" know !eore it&s done' 9ro!a!ly not# since it&s
sae to say that no matter how m"ch yo" eel that yo" sho"ldn:t
have to cons"lt yo"r g"y or little decision yo" make or thing yo"
do# it&s pro!a!ly in the !est interest o yo"r relationship to at least
talk to him a!o"t it and ask him how it will make him eel.

( don&t know o a man who doesn&t respond with an open mind and
heart to whatever the woman he loves wants# as long as it&s
reasona!le. S"re# there might !e times when yo" have to tr"mp
him# !"t it sho"ld !e seldom to none.

Why ,oes he thin0 9m tryin- to chan-e him(

%ell# in his world# that&s e2actly what yo"&re trying to do !y asking
him to do things he might not !e comorta!le or "sed to doing. (
yo" want yo"r g"y to do something# "s"ally yo" can work yo"r
wiles to get him to go along. And !oy# he loves those wiles# too. The
134
trick is doing so in a way that he eels in control o the sit"ation and
that he know that he isn&t !eing p"shed into anything.

0o not try trickery or arg"ments to make him do something yo"r
way. (n act# that&s the !est way to make him hate yo" even more.
%hat a man is looking or# is someone who loves him or who he
really is# oi!les and all. He knows he&s not perect# and perhaps he&s
act"ally thinking that the woman he&s allen in love with is $"st the
perect one to help him work some o those imperections o"t# i
nothing else than thro"gh the inspiration she gives him !y her love.

="t yo" don&t dare depend on that or yo"r own happiness. )o"
can&t e2pect him to cater to every one o yo"r needs# $"st as it
wo"ldn&t !e right i he were to e2pect the same o yo". ( he does
give in to yo"r re<"ests or the time !eing o"t o press"re rom
yo"r end# it can raise serio"s diic"lties later. And there&s a good
solid chance he will resent it and yo"# in the long r"n.

?n the more minor end o the spectr"m# women oten try to
change their men to some degree early on in the relationship. Some
try to get him to wear a dierent style o clothing# and he may even
go along with it. Ater all# ew men have any sort o good ashion
sense "nless their mothers have somehow helped in that area. A
woman may want him to vigoro"sly take "p ho!!ies she has and do
so pleas"re. ?thers meet him as a smoker then harp on him a!o"t
<"itting.

There can !e all kinds o changes women may -demand. o men.
(t&s one in a line o many !attles !etween the se2es. %oman meets
g"y# likes g"y# dates g"y# moves in with g"y# marries g"y and then
immediately sets in to change said g"y into a whole other g"y. )o"
want to tear yo"r hair o"t at times, No wonder this ca"ses riction,

Why ,oes he tell me hat to ear an, hat not to ear(

%ell# the act is# he sho"ldn&t have to tell yo" what to wear or not to
wear. ="t it sometimes happens. Sometimes# and yo" might want to
135
stay away rom this g"y# a g"y wants yo" to dress provocatively in
p"!lic8 Can we say Mpimp'& And it might !e con"sing that the same
g"y who o"nd yo" so provocative and attractive in se2y clothing
doesn&t want yo" to dress that way anymore once he has yo" in a
relationship. ?ther women like this idea !eca"se it shows he cares.

(n general# women sho"ldn&t dress provocatively in the irst place#
especially i they are in relationships with men who may !e a little
less conident. He loves yo"r c"rves. He $"st doesn&t want every
Tom# 0ick and Harry seeing them. Remem!er# g"ys tend to !e
possessive# and tho"gh he pro!a!ly doesn&t mind yo" looking
classy# that&s a very dierent thing rom -se2y#. and he doesn&t want
to have to !e spending every min"te o"t on the town with yo"
making s"re no!ody else is looking at his -property,.
B"ys vary. +or e2ample8 Some g"ys want yo" to dress provocatively
so that they can gloat a!o"t the act that they have yo" all to
themselves 6again# !e wary tho"gh o the pimp type g"y who may
want more than other g"ys to $"st look.7 ?ther g"ys may see it as
yo" having no respect or yo"rsel.

There was a time when i a woman dressed provocatively# everyone
knew what that meant and no decent man wo"ld have anything
serio"s to do with her. ?thers see it as a orm o manip"lation# or
trying to get what yo" want rom a man. The last kind o g"y sees it
as yo" having 5ero respect or him as well as yo"rsel. Hltimately# it
really is a relection o how yo" see yo"rsel.

Can 9 tell him a1out my past relationships(

R"le o th"m!8 don&t talk a!o"t e21!oyriends. =ringing "p e21
anything&s sho"ld only !e done minimally and with as little
inormation as possi!le. Not that yo" want to hide anything# !"t yo"
also don&t want to lay the seeds or anything negative# either.
There&s a threeold reason or this. ?ne8 ( it was a good
relationship# it co"ld p"t press"re on him to eel he has to -live "p.
to someone else.
136

Men don&t like that any !etter than a woman might in relation to an
e21girlriend or wie. They don&t even like to !e compared with his
mother, Two8 may!e not at irst# !"t event"ally# he may wonder i
yo" will !ecome "nhappy with him and may!e talk !ad a!o"t him
someday to someone else. And three8 it can "nknowingly give him
amm"nition to throw in yo"r ace in the "t"re# sho"ld he !e angry
with yo" as in -No wonder things didn&t work o"t with yo"r e2. ( see
how yo" are now,. ( he asks a!o"t them# keep it short# !rie and
nonchalant# as i the only thing that matters is him# as it sho"ld.

="t really# this r"le applies to !ringing "p almost all other g"ys 6with
the e2ception o yo"r perect ather# o co"rse7# whether yo" were
ever in a relationship with the g"ys or not. 0on:t talk a!o"t how
"nny or smart someone else is. (nstead 1 i yo" want to share
a!o"t something speciic that was "nny 1 mention that witho"t
nailing it to a speciic person.

An e2ception wo"ld !e the stand"p comedian on television or a cl"!
yo" !oth went to. Never allow other g"ys to to"ch yo". 42ception#
it&s a amily re"nion and everyone&s giving o"t riendly h"gs to
everyone else. Most o all don&t lirt. This one <"ickly drives g"ys
over the edge.

0on&t ever make yo"rsel o"t to !e the lirty type. Note8 i yo"
lirted with him# that&s a two1edged sword as well# since he well
knows what yo"&re capa!le o. There&s a good chance yo"&ll ind
yo"rsel s"ddenly a!andoned i he inds yo" lirting with other
g"ys. ( nothing else# yo" might have to ace a good dressing1
down o yo"r actions. Neither one is pleasant or desira!le. This
co"ld seem like a do"!le standard in light o what he might do. (
eel yo"r pain.

0on:t even compliment other g"ys a lot in ront o him. He will
!egin to hate them and yo" over time i yo" keep doing this
reg"larly.

(&m "sing the word -hate. to prove a point. (magine yo"r g"y
137
talking a lot a!o"t another woman. Ater a while# i not immediately#
this wo"ld weigh on yo". As sensitive as a woman is over
something like that# a man is even more so !eca"se o his nat"ral
predilection to territorialism. Ba"ge yo"r dealings with the opposite
se2 !y yo"r relationship with yo"r man# and he will likely ollow s"it#
or at least do so more than the average g"y will.

We ,o love each other 1ut e cant stop 3i-htin-<

Some people see ighting as a sign that yo" do love each other. *et
me rephrase that. (t sho"ldn&t !e ighting. (t sho"ld !e disagreeing.
Arg"ing within reason can indicate that the two o yo" care a!o"t
pro!lems that arise. (t&s how the two o yo" deal with those
pro!lems that can set yo" apart rom co"ples that don&t love each
other.

These -ights. can happen when yo"&re trying to make yo"r partner
"nderstand yo"r needs and yo"r partner is trying to make yo"
"nderstand his needs. )o" !oth eel that yo"&re giving more and
getting less in ret"rn. 0isagreements pop "p rom time to time and
ights happen. Now# this is a simplistic way o seeing how things
can !e# since a disagreement can stem rom most anything# and not
only rom trying to have yo"r personal needs or desires met. They
happen to "s all.

%hat&s important is to recogni5e when ights are getting o"t o
hand. +or e2ample i yo" two are8
l =ringing "p topics that have always !een Oo limitsO
l +ighting in ront o the children 6HHB4 N?N?7
l +ighting in ront o riends# amily and coworkers.
l =ringing "p em!arrassing topics 6s"ch as se2"al secrets7
l Ta"nting 6O( dare yo" to say it.7
l Nasty name calling

( yo" can&t seem to stop ighting# then it&s time to reconsider yo"r
relationship. This is more than a !asic dierences concern# as yo"r
whole relationship may have !ecome to2ic# or each other and those
aro"nd yo". 0ierences may have come to s"ch a point that
138
neither o yo" can or are willing to compromise in which case yo"
co"ld end "p living in a nightmarish relationship# thinking it will get
!etter when it clearly won&t. At the very least# co"nseling is in order#
either individ"ally# or as a co"ple.

Why ,oes he stare at other omen(

To p"t it s"ccinctly# men are vis"al creat"res. No# this isn&t an
e2c"se or !latant staring and caring little a!o"t yo" or yo"r
eelings. ="t it&s a cold# hard act.

Men str"ggle with vis"al temptation. (t&s a constant and ongoing
!attle or them rom p"!erty and on. (t&s the whole oc"s !ehind the
ashion and !ea"ty prod"cts ind"stries.

Birls !ecome very aware o it at an early age# too. Some are
enco"raged !y their own mothers or other emale ig"res
6maga5ines# !ill!oards and television are the worst c"lprits7 to start
primping pretty# rom painted ingernails and toenails# etc.

?"r whole c"lt"re eeds that o!session o !ea"ty and desira!ility to
the detriment o !oth men and women. ( do reali5e some women
dress a certain way as a cele!ration o having lost weight. They
want to show o their !etter ig"res. Some dress a certain way
!eca"se it makes them eel se2ier a!o"t themselves. 4very woman
is se2y in her own way. ="t the tragic act is that i a woman
dresses in something orm itting and revealing# she wants men to
look# period. (t&s a matter o how the men !ehave when they do see
her that co"nts.

Many women don&t "nderstand men. Men are wired to notice and
appreciate# !"t to what degree he shows respect or yo"# all women
in general# and himsel when he does look varies rom man to man.

Ho ,o 9 sho him that he is a1solutely ron- a1out
139
somethin-(

(n one o the greatest "nderstatements ever8 Men can&t handle
!eing told they&re wrong# especially rom their women. They don&t
deal with it well in the least. Ater all# he&s s"pposed to !e yo"r
shining knight in white armor who raced "p on his white steed and
swept yo" o yo"r eet# and !o"nd to protect yo" and care or yo"
or the rest o yo"r nat"ral lives.

?h# ( know# yo" !oth reali5e he&s not e2actly all that# !"t even still#
!eing told he&s wrong clashes with every i!er o his !eing. =eca"se
o that# yo"&ll $"st distance yo"rsel rom him i yo"&re dead set on
telling him he&s wrong a!o"t anything. So# whenever yo" eel that
ine2plica!le "rge to let him know how wrong he is# yo" need to
consider the ollowing8

1. Ho important is it to 1e ri-ht(
2. What is li0ely to happen i3 9 insist on 1ein- ri-ht Ian, 1lamin- my
partnerJ(
2. Woul, 9 pre3er to 3eel love, or 1e ri-ht(
(. Will he chan-e i3 9 0eep tellin- him ho ron- he is@ or ill he 3i-ht 1ac0(
+. Will this help or harm my relationship in the lon- run(

?nce yo" answer those <"estions honestly# yo" may reali5e that
yo" don&t really need to tell him he&s wrong. (t may !e only an
opinion he has which is right according to him. (t&s pretty similar to
an opinion yo" have which might !e wrong according to him. )o"&re
ree to think what yo" think most o the time# as is he. =esides#
there&s a good chance i he&s really wrong# and it&s not a lie1
threatening thing# he&ll ind o"t some other way.

140
His actions upset me so much< What ,o 9 ,o(

( yo" eel r"strated !y his actions# the irst thing yo" need to ask
yo"rsel is this8

Why are his actions settin- me o33( Why am 9 3eelin- so ,isappointe,( 9s it
1ecause my nee,s arent 1ein- met(G

Ask yo"rsel i it&s right to eel disappointed and hate him $"st
!eca"se he doesn&t do as yo" please or he doesn&t "lill certain
e2pectations yo" have.

(t co"ld very well !e some deeper iss"e that yo" need to address
within yo"rsel. )o" can&t always change his actions towards yo"#
!"t yo" can deinitely control yo"r reactions.

He appears so col,@ even a3ter e have a con3rontation<
Why are men li0e this(

=ingo# something else to reali5e. Men are more dist"r!ed !y
emotional conrontation than women# who seem more at ease with
it# and are even !etter at it. Men are overwhelmed with emotional
conrontation. No# (&m not saying women get o on conrontation.
(&m saying that they deal with it !etter and tend to get !etter
res"lts o"t o it. Note8 This doesn&t take into acco"nt a!"sive
relationships where women are oten aced with things very
overwhelming.

Men !ecome con"sed d"ring s"ch conrontations# sometimes
totally losing track o what is going on. To men# s"ch conlict is like
drowning in "namiliar waters. Men may appear calmer d"ring a
conlict# !"t don&t !e ooled !y this. Men will stay stressed ater a
conrontation# while women&s levels o stress all ater an arg"ment.
=y venting# women essentially get it o"t o their system to a higher
141
and more eicient degree.

That&s why it&s nat"ral to see a man withdraw d"ring or ater an
arg"ment. He internali5es it more. ?n the other hand# conlict can
!e a way that a woman can ease the stress# a way o venting
r"strations. 4ssentially# it&s her way o -getting it o"t..

Why ,o men avoi, ar-uments(

They do this !eca"se a man wants to do what&s right and is araid
o "psetting his partner. %omen have a completely opposite
reaction to this in act# and this very silence makes a woman even
more "pset. (n her world# she eels talking more will help the iss"e
!"t men "s"ally eel that talking less and staying silent will make
the iss"e go away.

So it&s no wonder that when a man witnesses his partner is starting
to get "pset# he tries to get even more distant and silent !eca"se
he doesn&t want to "rther "pset her.

"o the big lesson here is this (t might seem like he is trying to
avoid talking to yo" when the reality is that he is trying to avoid a
conrontation that "s"ally overwhelms him.

Why ,o men cheat(

42c"se me. =oth men and women cheat. *et&s get that o"t in the
open. There&s an old wives tale that -all men are dogs. and that it&s
impossi!le or them to commit aith"lly to one woman. That may
well !e tr"e or some men. ="t acts show that it&s $"st as tr"e or
$"st as many women. And most times# men have aairs or the very
same reason that women do8 to o!tain the attention they eel is
missing in their lie.

142
And# yes# there are those who do it $"st !eca"se they&re "ncaring
and have little to no conscience. And this goes or !oth men and
women. Since yo"&re reading this !ook# it&s sae to say yo"&re not
one o those.

What ,o 9 ,o hen my man ont open up(

( yo" have tried all o the strategies mentioned in this !ook# doing
all yo" can to show yo"r love and care and respect in ways that
don&t damage# honing yo"r patience to perection# and yo" still
don&t get a positive response# then yo" may !e dealing with
someone who is an e2ception or has already given "p. That&s a
h"ge red light# and yo" may well want to sit !ack and re1eval"ate
yo"r relationship and sit"ation. (t co"ld very well mean that "rther
down the line# yo"&d have more iss"es in the relationship.

9s there a ay 9 can Frea, his min,G(

There isn&t a magic wand which will help yo" ig"re o"t every little
detail. However# there are ways to know how to get some idea o
what&s going in his head. %henever something con"ses yo" a!o"t
him# simply oc"s on what he&s doing. %henever there is any
conlict !etween what a man says and what he does# always#
always ignore the -what he says. part.

( yo" remem!er to oc"s on what a man is doing# yo" won&t ever
need to !e con"sed !y what he:s saying. (&m not saying to ignore
everything he says. %hat ( am saying is that i yo"&re con"sed and
he&s talking one way and !ehaving in another completely dierent
way at the same time# go with what he&s doing over what he&s
saying. Actions always tell the tr"th.

There&s no point in "sing a man:s words to ig"re o"t what&s cooking
in his mind. ( he&s saying he is ine !"t is p"lling away or starting to
get distant rom yo"# then do not tr"st his word. His actions speak
143
the act"al tr"th. Note8 0on&t tell him that his words and actions
don&t match; keep it to yo"rsel or else he will do even more
con"sing things in the "t"re. Simply !ase yo"r actions and
decisions on what he&s doing.

9t seems li0e ere -roin- apart ith time@ an, sometimes 9
thin0 its his 3ault< What can 9 ,o(

%omen "s"ally make several mistakes when s"ch a thing happens.
Rather than disc"ssing it with their partner# they start !laming their
partner. They acc"se him or not caring or listening# and any
n"m!er o other things.

4ven tho"gh yo" might eel that it&s his a"lt# it&s never a good idea
to hold him responsi!le or the way yo" are eeling in the
relationship. =eca"se when yo" think he is to !lame# all yo" will do
is pin point his mistakes and will try to make him reali5e how wrong
he is.

(n ret"rn# he will get a lot more deensive and this will make
everything "rther diic"lt or yo" in the relationship.

The !est thing to do "nder s"ch a sit"ation is to never tell him what
he is doing wrong rather talk a!o"t yo"rsel and yo"r eelings.
(nstead o saying -)o" make me eel horri!le when yo" do this#.
say -( eel horri!le whenever s"ch a thing happens in the
relationship..

This small shit will make h"ge dierences in yo"r relationship.

9 hate it hen he spen,s more time ith his 3rien,s than
me< 9s there a solution to this(

144
Men need private time to !e let alone. (t&s that raternity thing.
They need their own ho!!ies# interests and>or sports# and male
riends. That&s why male cl"!s "sed to !e so pop"lar. %omen had
their things# too8 sewing or cooking cl"!s and vol"nteer work. =oy#
has the world changed, ( yo" try to take this away rom them# they
will start to hate yo" or it. May!e not right away# !"t deinitely as
time passes !y.

=y "nderstanding that he needs time alone and allowing or it# it
helps him to !e a !etter man# or yo". How wo"ld yo" eel i yo"r
man tried to control yo"r lie and dictate who yo" can or cannot
speak to' 9sychologists and social e2perts say that when a man
starts wanting to isolate yo" rom yo"r riends and amily# that it is
a s"re sign o an a!"sive relationship. Thereore# yo" sho"ld let him
have his time whenever s"ch a need arises.

9s sex important to a man(

There have !een certain relationships where se2 wasn&t possi!le#
d"e to very real physical limitations# and yet the relationship was a
happy and "lilling one. %hy' There are so many other ways to
show love and desire and aection.

="t# or a healthy man# se2 means more than -$"st se2.. Se2
provides a sense o validation to them. This is pro!a!ly not
disc"ssed "s"ally# !"t i a woman stops having se2 with a man# it
aects him deeply more so than most can imagine. %hen yo" stop
!eing physical with him# he internally thinks that yo" don&t want him
anymore and are re$ecting him.

?n the lip side, =oth men and women have "rges# temptations#
hormones and li!idos. =oth men and women have times where they
$"st want to get a -release. and not necessarily get into the
emotional ends o se2. (t&s oten said and tho"ght that men want
little more than se2# and that $"st plain isn&t tr"e. Again# one o
those myths.

145
Men and women cheat. Men and women !oth do it or emotional
reasons# and they do it or se2"al reasons. (t co"ld !e said that men
and women !oth eel the same way a!o"t se2# with some rather
signiicant missing details that !oth women and society# as a whole#
don&t take into acco"nt8

Men are vis"al creat"res. %omen on the other hand aren:t
vis"al. Tho"ghts and eelings are their primary stim"li.

Men# rom the !eginning o time# are wired to want to -spread
his seed..

%omen re<"ire !eing warmed "p se2"ally. This is how they&re
wired. Men# on the other hand# don&t re<"ire m"ch more than
physical stim"lation and he&s ready to go.

?k# !ig pa"se and g"lp to gather "p the strength to say this. Not
meaning to oend yo"r sensi!ilities or anything# !"t ( $"st have to
shoot it o"t there !eca"se it&s a act8 %omen are# !y ar# the largest
demographic p"rchasing personal pleas"re items. No one# well
almost no one 6there&s always a ew7 !ats an eye knowing a!o"t or
hearing a!o"t a woman with P or E 6or more7 -toys.. Men# on the
other hand# are generally mocked and made "n o or having
-toys..

=eca"se o this# women get their "rges and can more easily and
readily take care o those needs. Men are m"ch more limited and
nothing he can do eels anywhere near the real thing. %ith women&s
-toys#. they&re not only like the real thing# !"t oten seem !etter
than the real thing. ?k# e2ception8 there are women who do want
more than $"st the physical release. (n which case# the Mreal& thing is
ever so m"ch !etter and "lilling.

%omen sometimes take care o themselves e2tremely oten# and
while men do too# they can&t do anything compara!le to the living#
!reathing# real thing. As a res"lt# men more oten seem to seek it
o"t. They don&t get any more or any less "rges than women. They
$"st seem to get the "rge or the real thing more oten than
146
women. Make sense now'

So hat ,o men really ant a3ter all(

( men were allowed the reedom o speech# they will readily admit
that they need a world where they aren&t p"t into categories and
la!els. They want to act and !e like men# !"t they don&t want to !e
$"dged or ridic"led or the male ha!its they display.

They want to !e in a relationship !"t with the right woman#
someone who "nderstands them and doesn&t try to cage them into
a certain liestyle.

147

8inal Wor,sL

( hope (&ve !een a!le to lay o"t a good roadmap to the male mind.
( know ( can&t possi!ly answer each and every <"estion. ? co"rse#
not all men it these generalities. Still# it&s a good place to start
rom. And it can s"re help yo" "nderstand things when yo" see
some o these happening in yo"r own relationship. Men are oreign
critters# ( know. As smart as yo" women are# (&m s"re it won&t !e
long !eore yo"&re a!le to work it all o"t to the improvement o yo"r
lie and yo"r relationship.

Men aren&t as easy and transparent as society makes them o"t to
!e# and it wo"ld !eneit men# their partners and society# once that&s
reali5ed. They are ar more comple2 and intricate than most give
them credit or.

There are two things that can improve this sit"ation. Society co"ld
either rela2 its perceptions and e2pectations or men and allow
them to !e comorta!le in their own skins $"st !eing themselves. =y
doing so# men co"ld act"ally !e the men their women need and
want them to !e. ?r# men co"ld cease to care what society thinks
and $"st !e themselves anyway.

9ersonally# ( vote or the second option. (t&s way more "n# and
leaves men where they act"ally want to !e anyway# in control o
themselves. %o"ld that make programs like this o!solete' %ho
knows' Somehow ( do"!t it# !"t hey# we can hope.

5nole,-e is only use3ul hen it is acte, on

=eing the smart woman that yo" are# it won&t take yo" long to
ig"re o"t what yo" need and can "tili5e in the concepts presented
here.
148

4very relationship is dierent. 4very relationship can always !e
improved# no matter how good it already is. K"dos or the time and
eort yo" took in ollowing this program !eca"se yo" really want to
"nderstand yo"r man. Most people start training programs or read
!ooks and never inish them.

)o"&ve made it "rther# showing yo" have !oth the co"rage and
tenacity to see things thro"gh. )o"&ve learned a lot# yo"&ve taken
the time and the irst step. ( know yo"&ll act on what yo"&ve learned
so ar in this co"rse. /"st know that (&m cheering yo" all the way.

Bood l"ck,

149

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The oman i-nores those solutions an, continues to tal0 a1out it

The man 3eels 3rustrate,@ an, -ets an-ry or impatient<

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