Appropriate Language, Exact Words, Avoiding

Wordiness
Commas
Apostrophes
What is wrong?
Watch the following video and identify its writing
error.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKueUBlc-u0
So the writer who breeds more words than he
needs, is making a chore for the reader who
reads. Dr. Seuss
Tighten Wordy Sentences
Eliminate redundancies
Daniel is now employed at a private rehabilitation
center working as a registered physical therapist.
Daniel works at a private rehabilitation center as a
registered physical therapist.
Sylvia very hurriedly scribbled her name, address, and
phone number on a greasy napkin.
Sylvia scribbled her name, address, and phone number
on a greasy napkin.
Tighten Wordy Sentences
Avoid unnecessary repetition of words
Our fifth patient, in room six, is a mentally ill patient.
Our fifth patient, in room six, is mentally ill.
The best teachers help each student become a better
student both academically and emotionally.
The best teachers help each student grow both
academically and emotionally.
Tighten Wordy Sentences
Cut empty or inflated phrases
Along the lines of...like
As a matter of fact...in fact
At all times...always
At the present time...now, currently
Because of the fact that...because
Due to the fact that...because
For the reason that...because
In order to...to
In the final analysis...finally
Tighten Wordy Sentences
Reduce clauses to phrases and phrases to single
words
We took a side trip to Monticello, which was the home
of Thomas Jefferson.
We took a side trip to Monticello, the home of Thomas
Jefferson.
Exercise E.1 Wordy Sentences
1. It seems likely that American parents choose really
carefully when naming their children.
American parents choose carefully when naming their
children.
2. Making comparisons between popular names of
today and the names that were popular in the past
shows how much our ideas about naming children
have changed.
Comparing popular names of today and of the past
shows how much our ideas about naming children
have changed.
Exercise E.1 Wordy Sentences
3. The names chosen for girls have undergone he most
changes.
Girls names have changed the most.
4. Forty years ago, the majority of baby girls received
names that sounded traditional rather than being
considered unusual.
Forty years ago, most baby girls received traditional
names rather than unusual ones.
Exercise E.1 Wordy Sentences
5. Some of the older names gradually became less
popular over a period of time, and newer names, like
Jennifer, now a perennial favorite year after year,
took their place.
Some of the older names gradually became less
popular, and newer names, like Jennifer, now a
perennial favorite, took their place.
6. In these modern times, parents often give their
daughters names that were once considered
masculine, like Sidney or Taylor.
Today, parents often give their daughters names that
were once considered masculine, like Sidney or
Taylor.
Exercise E.1 Wordy Sentences
7. It is also true that some parents try to make their
daughters names seem quite unusual by spelling a
traditional name in a way that is not considered
traditional.
Some parents try to make their daughters names
seem unusual by spelling a traditional name in a
nontraditional way.
8. Boys names, however, have really changed very
little and not as noticeably.
Boys names, however, have not changed as noticeably.
Exercise E.1 Wordy Sentences
9. For decades the most popular of the names parents
have given to boys has been Michael
For decades the most popular boys name has been
Michael.
10. It may perhaps be true, as the results of a recent
poll suggest, that parents think having an unusual
name is helpful to girls and having an unusual name
is harmful to boys.
Perhaps, as the results of a recent poll suggest, parents
think having an unusual name helps girls and harms
boys.
Choose Appropriate Language
Stay away from jargon (theres a time and a place for it)
We outsourced the work to an outfit in Ohio because we
didnt have the bandwidth to tackle it in-house.
We hired a company in Ohio because we had too few
employees to do the work.
The CEO should dialogue with investors about
partnering with clients to purchase land in
economically deprived zones.
The CEO should talk with investors about working with
clients to buy land in poor neighborhoods.
Choose Appropriate Language
Avoid pretentious language
Taylors employment of multihued means of
expression draws back the curtains and lets slip the
nostalgic vantage point from which she observes
American society as well as her lack of
comprehension of economic realities.
Taylors use of colorful language reveals that she has a
sentimental view of American society and does not
understand economic realities.
Choose Appropriate Language
Avoid most euphemisms
Nice-sounding words or phrases substituted for words
thought to sound harsh or ugly
Adult entertainmentpornography
Pre-owned automobileused car
Economically deprivedpoor
Negative savingsbroke
Strategic withdrawalretreat, surrender
Correctional facilityprison, jail
Revenue enhancerstaxes
Chemical dependencyaddiction
Avoid doublespeak
Deliberately evasive or deceptive language
Downsizing = firing employees
Choose Appropriate Language
Avoid sexist language
Chairmanchair person
Firemanfirefighter
Mailmanmail carrier
Mankindhumans
Weathermanmeteorologist
Rather than use too many he/she his/her, use plural
Best to rewrite sentence to avoid problem
completely
Choose Appropriate Language
Revise language that may offend groups of people
Offensive language changes overtime and in regards
to place pay attention to your audience!
North Dakota takes its name from the Indian word
meaning friend or ally.
North Dakota takes its name from the Lakota word
meaning friend or ally.
Find Exact Words
Select words with appropriate connotations
When American soldiers returned home after World
War II, many women abandoned their jobs in favor
of marriage.
When American soldiers returned home after World
War II, many women left their jobs in favor of
marriage.
Exercise E. 6 Word Choice
1. Americans have recently had their noses rubbed in
the fact that anorexia nervosa, a disease of self-
starvation, is becoming more widespread.
Had their noses rubbed in = been forced to accept
2. They are also usually sharp.
Sharp = intelligent
Exercise E. 6 Word Choice
3. They seem to other people to have pretty much
every advantage.
Pretty much = nearly
4. Their families and comrades ordinarily have a rough
time comprehending why they will not eat.
Comrades = friends
Rough = difficult
Exercise E. 6 Word Choice
5. Because anorexia is a psychological disorder, the
sufferers themselves may not catch on to what caused
the onset of their illness.
Catch on to = understand
6. Anorexics have a weird body image.
Weird = distorted
Exercise E. 6 Word Choice
7. They often believe they are totally overweight unless
they are dangerously slender.
Totally = extremely
Slender = thin
8. The disease is notoriously difficult to treat, even if
the patient tries to go along with her doctors.
Go along = cooperate
Other words/phrases
A lot of = many, several
Start = begin, commence
Find Exact Words
Prefer specific concrete nouns
Thing, area, aspect, factor, individual, etc.
The senator spoke about the challenges of the future:
the environment and world peace.
The senator spoke about the challenges of the future:
pollution, dwindling resources, and terrorism.
Ex.E.7 Concrete, Specific Detail
1. Every year, a large number of high school students
take standardized tests.
Every year, almost all college-bound high school
juniors take one or more college admissions tests.
2. A good test score can help a student.
A high test score can help a student gain admission
to a prestigious college.
3. Test-preparation courses are becoming popular.
Test-preparation courses, which give students
practice exams to measure their progress, are
becoming popular.
Ex.E.7 Concrete, Specific Detail
4. These courses are expensive.
These courses can cost hundreds of dollars.
5. Experts disagree about the value of such courses.
Educators disagree about whether test-preparation
courses actually help students prepare for the
exam and for college work.
Ex.E.7 Concrete, Specific Detail
6. Many students get better scores after taking a
course.
Many students who take a standardized test before
and after a test-preparation course show at least
some improvement in their scores after the
course.
7. The amount of improvement is not always
significant.
The amount of improvement may only be a few
percentage points.
8. Opponents argue that the courses are unfair.
Opponents of the courses argue that by taking
them, wealthy students can, in effect, buy a better
score.
Ex.E.7 Concrete, Specific Detail
9. Others say that the courses make no real
difference.
Others say that the scores of students who take test-
preparation courses are not significantly higher
than the scores of students who do not take them.
10. Many people continue to pay for test
preparation.
Many worried parents continue to pay for test
preparation, reasoning that it can not hurt their
childrens chances.
Find Exact Words
Do not misuse words
These days the training required for a ballet dancer is
all-absorbent.
These days the training required for a ballet dancer is
all-absorbing.
Find Exact Words
Use Standard Idioms
Speech forms that follow no easily specified rules
NEVER ALWAYS
Angry at (a person) Angry with (a person)
Agree to (an idea) Agree with (an idea)
Different than Different from
Off of Off
Plan on doing Plan to do
think on Think of; think about
Try and; sure and Try to; sure to
Find Exact Words
Do not rely heavily on clichs
All of these are so overused that they can be completed
just from memory
Cool as a
Beat around
Blind as a
Crystal
Dead as a
Light as a
Like a bull
Nutty as a
Playing with
Use figures of speech with care
Similes & metaphors
E. 8 Figures of Speech
1. For generations, women were considered to be
delicate flowers too fragile for sports.
Delicate flowers
2. Many people thought that women would die like
an old tree if they were too physically active.
Die like an old tree
E. 8 Figures of Speech
3. Even though these mistaken beliefs were
widespread, women athletes have moved forward
by leaps and bounds.
Moved forward by leaps and bounds
4. Individual women athletes, like the track and
golf star Babe Didrikson Zaharias, had to be as
strong as an ox.
As strong as an ox
E. 8 Figures of Speech
5. During World War II, a womens baseball league
drew spectators like a snake in the grass when a
shortage of male players depleted mens teams.
Like a snake in the grass
6. The end of the war nipped the womens league in
the bud.
Nipped in the bud
E. 8 Figures of Speech
7. The American womens movement of the 1970s
was the dawn of a new era for women in sports.
The dawn of a new era
8. A battle of the sexes took place in tennis during
that decade, when Billie Jean King, a star female
player, made Bobby Riggs, an avowed male
chauvinist who had challenged her, look as weak
as the ocean tides.
As weak as the ocean tides
E. 8 Figures of Speech
9. In the following decades, some individual women
became sports heroes, like Florence Griffith
Joyner, who could run like the wind.
Run like the wind
10. Finally, in the 1990s, the popularity of womens
basketball and soccer spread like a disease in a
crowded city.
Spread like a disease in a crowded city
Talk to your neighbors
When do you use a comma?
Commas
Use a comma before a coordinating conjunction
joining independent clauses
The department sponsored a seminar on college
survival skills, and it also hosted a barbecue for
new students.
Do NOT use a comma to separate coordinate word
groups that are not independent clauses
A good money manager controls expenses and
invests surplus dollars to meet future needs.
Commas
Use a comma after an introductory clause or
phrase
When Irwin was ready to iron, his cat tripped on the
cord.
His cat tripped on the cord when Irwin was ready to
iron.
In no time, we were at 2,800 feet.
We were at 2,800 feet in no time.
Use a comma between all items in a series of 3+
Bubbles of air, leaves, ferns, bits of wood, and
insects are often found trapped in amber.
Use Oxford comma in MLA style writings
Oxford comma is the comma before the word
and in a series of three or more items
Commas
Use a comma between coordinate adjectives not
joined with and. Do not use a comma between
cumulative adjectives. (use the and test)
Roberto is a warm, gentle, affectionate father.
Three large gray shapes moved slowly toward us.
Commas
Use commas to set off nonrestrictive (nonessential)
elements.
The campers need sturdy shoes, which are expensive.
How do the meanings of these two sentences differ
because of the commas?
The dessert made with fresh raspberries was delicious.
The dessert, made with fresh raspberries, was delicious.
In the first example, the phrase made with fresh
raspberries tells readers which of two or more desserts
the writer is referring to. In the example with commas,
the phrase merely adds information about the
dessert.
Commas
Use commas to set off transitional and
parenthetical expressions, absolute phrases, and
word groups expressing contrast
Minh did not understand our language; moreover,
he was unfamiliar with our customs.
As a matter of fact, American football was
established in the mid-nineteenth century.
Commas
Use commas to set off nouns of direct address, the
words yes and no, interrogative tags, and mild
interjections
Forgive me, Angela, for forgetting your birthday.
Use commas with expressions such as he said to
set off direct quotations
Its okay, Angela said.
Commas
Use commas with dates, addresses, titles, and
number
On December 12, 1980, orders were sent out for the
arrest of Sitting Bull.
Orders were sent out for the arrest of Sitting Bull on
December 12, 1980.
The security alert system went into effect on 15 April
2009.
Use a comma to prevent confusion (this is fancy)
Patients who can, walk up and down the halls every
day.
To err is human; to forgive, divine.
Exercise 12.1 Adding Commas
1. Breeders have long prized their swiftest, most
graceful horses, and raced them.
horses and raced them.
2. Horse racing in the United States generally means
either thoroughbred racing or harness racing.
correct
Exercise 12.1 Adding Commas
3. Harness racehorses pull small lightweight
vehicles, handled by a driver.
small, lightweight vehicles handled
4. Harness racing falls into the two categories of
trotting, and pacing.
omit comma
Exercise 12.1 Adding Commas
5. The most famous event in harness racing the
Hambletonian, is a mile-long trotting race.
racing, the Hambletonian, is
6. Harness racing may be known mainly to
enthusiasts but even people who appreciate very
little about horse racing are familiar with
thoroughbred racing.
enthusiasts, but
Exercise 12.1 Adding Commas
7. Thoroughbred racehorses, unlike harness
racehorses, carry a rider.
Correct
8. The best-known events in thoroughbred racing,
the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness Stakes, and
the Belmont Stakes, are the three races, that
make up the Triple Crown.
three races that make up
Exercise 12.1 Adding Commas
9. All of the Triple Crown races which vary in length
are for three-year-old horses.
races, which vary in length, are
10. In the twentieth century only eleven horses won
thoroughbred racings Triple Crown.
century, only
Exercise 12.2
Working with Commas
1. Several years ago, many police departments
ignored minor violations of the law, and
concentrated on bigger crime problems.
...law [omit comma] and concentrated
2. Today, however, the broken window theory, is
widely accepted.
...theory [omit comma] is widely accepted.
Exercise 12.2
Working with Commas
3. According to this popular theory allowing broken
windows to remain, unrepaired, leads to a loss of
hope in a community.
...theory [insert comma] allowing broken windows
to remain [omit comma] unrepaired [omit
comma] leads...
4. Frequently, buildings that look neglected make
neighbors feel that no one cares what goes on in
the area.
correct
Exercise 12.2
Working with Commas
5. Similarly, if petty crimes are ignored in a
neighborhood people there may feel that larger
crimes are acceptable as well.
...neighborhood [insert comma] people...
6. Community policing is one result of the new
emphasis on stopping victimless crimes such as
loitering and panhandling.
...crimes [insert comma] such as...
7. But, can a police officer, walking a beat, really be
more effective than a patrol car?
Omit all commas
Exercise 12.2
Working with Commas
8. Some experts believe that police should be
required to live in the communities, that they
serve.
Omit comma
9. Police who live elsewhere may not understand
the needs of the community, and they will
certainly know less about the people living in the
community.
Correct.
Exercise 12.2
Working with Commas
10. Different methods of community policing may
work in different areas but the goal should always
be to keep communications open between the
public and the police.
...areas [insert comma] but the goal
Talk to your neighbors...
When do you use a comma?
In a list of 3 or more items (oxford for MLA)
Between adjectives (use And test)
To combine 2 sentences (CS, [FANBOYS] CS)
After an introductory clause
Around extra information in the sentence
There are only 2 reasons
to use an apostrophe!!!
Apostrophes
Use an apostrophe to indicate that a noun is
possessive
The hat of Tim
Tims hat
The desk of the lawyers
The lawyers desk
[lawyers is plural. To make it possessive, add s]
The camper of Joyce and Greg
Joyce and Gregs camper
The memoir of my father-in-law
My father-in-laws memoir
Apostrophes
Use an apostrophe and s to indicate that an
indefinite pronoun is possessive (everyone,
someone, no one, something)
The raincoat of someone
Someones raincoat
Apostrophes
Use an apostrophe to mark omissions in
contractions and numbers
Its = it is
Its
_____ raining outside.
Each area had _____ own desk.
Use an apostrophe to mark omissions of the
first two digits of a year or years
The class of 08
The generation of the 60s (notice it isnt 60s or
worse 60s)
Apostrophes
Do not use an apostrophe to form the plural of
numbers, letters, abbreviations, and words
mentioned as words
Oksana skated nearly perfect figure 8s.
The 1920s are known as the Jazz age.
He received two Ds for the first time in his life.
Beginning readers often confuse bs and ds.
Students with straight As earn high honors.
The Is in the sign are crooked.
There are exceptions for Js, js, Ps, and ps.
Harriet has thirty DVDs on her desk.
Apostrophes
Avoid common misuses of the apostrophe.
Some outpatients have special parking permits.
The House on Mango Street was written by
Sandra Cisneros, whos work focuses on the
Latino community in the United States.
Ex 17.1 Apostrophes
1. African chiefs stories led a German explorer to
the stone ruins in Mashonaland, now in
Zimbabwe, in 1871.
Chiefs
2. The explorer, whos name was Karl Mauch,
tried to find out who had built the once-great
city.
whose
Ex 17.1 Apostrophes
3. The tribes nearby could not answer Mauches
question, but they knew gold had been found
there.
Mauches
4. The Africans called the site Zimbabwe.
Africans
Ex 17.1 Apostrophes
5. Mauch became convinced that the city was
Ophir, the source of the gold brought back to
King Solomons Israel around 1000 B.C.E.
correct
6. He thought perhaps the cities builder was the
Queen of Sheba.
Citys
Ex 17.1 Apostrophes
7. An archeologists findings later demonstrated
that the city was about six hundred years old
and that it had been built by African natives.
Archeologists
8. The Shona tribe probably built the first walls
on the site, but its more complex structures
were added later by the Rozwi tribe.
its
Ex 17.1 Apostrophes
9. The Rozwi probably erected the temple, which
was inhabited by Rozwi ruler-priests until
their empires end in the 1830s.
1830s
10. The legends about the origins of the city
persisted for a long time, perhaps because of
white South Africans and Europeans
resistance to the idea that black Africans had
built the impressive structures.
Africans
Apostrophe song
Watch the following video.
Write down examples of apostrophe misuse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc2aSz9Ficw
There are only 2 reasons to use an
apostrophe:
To show possession
To show omission
For next week
Rough draft Essay #2 (either compare/contrast OR
classification/division)
Read sample essays online (under Essay #2 sample
essays tab)
In glossary read definition of dashes, parenthesis,
colons, semicolons