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me
they
tur es of dead
s

s f
re
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c ute li ttle
pi c
to p th e s e a o f
n a ture wi th
wi th
pe o ple flo a ti n g h e lple s s ly
a
s pi n n i n g fa c e s a ll ye lli n g th a t s o m e th i n g i s
g o i n g wro n g
. .
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' *

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Cra c ki n g , fa lli n g , la ug h i n g , e a ti n g , a n
a lwa ys wo n d e ri n g wh e re th e fuc k i t's a l
g o n n a be g i n , th e BUTTHO LE SUR FER S
s e e m to th i n k th e s tuff be twe e n th e i r to e s
i s s o m e th i n g m o re th a n a h i g h wa y, m o re
th a n a s e a turtle , m o re th a n s c a bs wh i c h
blo c k th e i r v i e w
. Co uld i t be a re v e la ti o n ?
No , pro ba bly n o t, but m a ybe jus t m a ybe
th e s tuff th e y le a v e be h i n d c o uld s m e ll up
th e wh o le wo rld a n d m a ke Go d ro ll d o wn
h i s wi n d o w a n d th a t li ttle fly c a lle d
Dum ba s s c o uld g e t o ut o f th e c a r
. NO n o !
Th e y'll n e v e r d i e
. Th e y'll n e v e r li v e
. Th e
bre a d th e y e a t c o m e s fro m a d i ffe re n t
s to re a n d th e i r s c a rs turn i n to o pe n s o re s
a s th e a c c i d e n ts th e y h a d re o c c ur wi th
a n d
s ta rtli n g re g ula ri ty
. Ba th i n g i n th e c la y
re fus e o f a th o us a n d bla c ke n e d ba n a n a s , ,
th e frui ts o f th e i r la bo r a re th e g ra pe s o f
wra th , a n d th e m o n ke ys th e y wa lk to th e
s e a d o n 't kn o w h o w to s wi m
. Co uld i t be
th e d e li c a te th re a d o f s a n i ty i ts e lf h a s
wo v e n ro un d th e pe n i s o f m a lc o n te n t li ke a
v i c e c rus h i n g th e h a n d o f a n a ke d jud g e ,
o r i s i t jus t a d o g h o v e ri n g li ke a s c h o o l
te a c h e r i n a ba d d re a m po i s e d a bo v e fi e ld s
o f ra z o rbla d e s tud d e d s un flo we rs , a bun c h
o f c h i ld re n wi th bra i n tum o rs th e s i z e o f
Turki s h we d d i n g s ?
O I v
g
ig
i i t
o
M
Ir o'
aa,
.h
,
a

11

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: :
.wy
0t
: ,
1ifi:
p
it

rrrr __
GIBBY Wh
:
o a . . .

h a rd
o n e to

but
wh e n yo u'v e h a d a fe w Tki h
urs
w
e d d i n g s
re m o v e d fro m yo ur h e a d , fun n y th i n g s
s ta rt to h a ppe n .
M R R
: Ge e , i t's a d ra g wh e n s urg e ry wo n 't
s o lv e a ll
yo ur
pro ble m s .
P A UL
: It's a pro ble m wh e n s
urg e ry wo n 't
d ra g o ut a ll th e pa i n .
M R R
: Wh y d i d yo u g uys d e c i d e to to ur
d uri n g th e Ch ri s tm a s h o li d a ys ?
BILL
: We li ke to fo llo w th e c i rc us .
T kn o ws
HER R ESSA
: Sh ut up Bi ll
. Ev e ryo n e
lo g s d o n 't ro ll uph i ll
.
TTfTr I
Th e y lo o k li ke s h i t
s g o n n a ri n g ti t
. Th e y s m e ll li ke h e ll!

Wh o '?

o n
s o m e s i c k
SUR FER S jus t c o m s o m
pl
Be te
e Bd th e
th o ro ug h wi pi n g o f t h a te d
a th e e We s t
be a c h
th e m Co a
e s t
. S
l
o m e
ra
wi
s o g n
o v e r
o v e d th e i
th e m ,m e
.
d um ps th e y d o
to o k th e s h o we

But th e
rs th e y h a d ,
a n d th e te e th th e y n e g le c te d to brus h wi ll
pe o ple
e
s o o n
i n
be th e rg o tte n by a t le a s t a d o z e n
No rth e rn Ca li fo rn i a a r
e a
a lo n e .
a th %
s/1r 0r
r i t
wa s
h e a ri n g m e n m o a n i n g , "Go
a wa y i
n Ne w M e xi c o re s t
,Wh e th e r

th e re
we re
a wa y o ppO d i s c o v e ri n g th a t

th e
s to ps o r o f fli e s i n Ea s t P h o e n
i x
,
s h i tlo a
d s
BUTTHO LES th e m s e lv e s pro ba bly le a rn e
d a
two , a n d th e m o n e y th e y s pe n t
n t
th i n g
n

i s a t th i s v e r m o m e t a t
g pa tte r
n s
a n d
g e n e ra te d

d i z z yi n
s pi n n i n g

bra i n a n d fuz z th e m i n d wi th
li ke W HY?
O h th e s e
c
o m pli c a te
d que s ti o n s
n um b th e

h a d a
m a y h a v e a ppe a re d to h a v e
d i d
; a n d wh a t th e y
g uys ti m e , but th e y
g o o d

d i e ts fro m Fra n c o , th e y
d e a a bo ut Uth e li c o pte r re pa i r fro m
lle a rn e
Bi a fra
.
R h i te
UM BLIN
c
DO
h e
th e rd

~,
tr
,
ko a

i n a s m e lly

Ki n g s s a h e r
re d -h e a d e d
s e x
w Ki n g the bro th e r th e blo n d bo m b
s o m
e ti m e s
' V o la tti i le ly
c h i ld i s h G
i bby, bl
th
e s e m i -c
o n s c i o us

y
P
a ul,
e r Bi ll a n d
pull
o ff

ba s s pla

th e i r
aemb ar r some of the
stup idestman ag ed
to
d most
'g s h o w
t
i t
s i n
d ry i c e

s li
R
o c k a n d R o ll'
c a ll
i e c e n t
m
e m o ry, c a ll
to o k

up yo ur pe

rs o f
th e
i n
tn i s h o le ,
fa
th e
le g
.

n
o ff th e o ld

' th e s e la d
s qui rre l a n d
e . .~. . ,

s tuc k
r r

e*' O i
ew ..
r r ,failfa
~r ~11~ay ~mat
Yo u c o uld s lo ug h i t o ff a s s e lf-i n d ulg
e n c e
,
o r yo u c o uld d i s m i s s i t a s jus t
d um ba s s e s , but i t c a n n o t be d e n i e d th e s e
BUTT-we i ld i n g s c a v e n g e rs o f th e i n n e r
h a v e m o re th a n jus t a fe w
pro ble m s
n d e r
th e i r wi g s
. It i s wi th to ta l
up u
a fte r
a m a z e m e n
t
e m ba rra s s i
n g h
s o n g
Iwi th e
th e o a
ud a c a ud a c i ty
a n d a g i li ty o f a s m a ll re ta rd e d c h i ld , a n d
th e re wa rd s th e y re c e i v e a re bro wn a n d
s pre a d be twe e n
. Yo u wo n 't fi n d th e s e
a s s h o le s wa s ti n g ti m e a ro un d th e po tty;
i t's o n e h a n d d o wn wh i le th e o th e r h a n d
h i ts th e g ro un d fo r th e s e s o n s o f bi tc h e s
e ye d c lo wn s
. O o z a
po a n d
ppi
n s
a n d o n e -g
o n ta g e li ke a ra w e g g d ro ppe d
yo ur m o th e r
'
s c le a v a g e , th e i r d i a lo g ue i s
th a t o f a
s pa s ti c ja c ka l h urli n g a
a n d
n d
Ch ri s t
a s h e d e v o urs th e bo d y
c h i ld
. Ble s s e d n o t wi th th e c o ura g e o f
fi v e , but wi th th e s m e ll o f te n , th e i r
3-ri n g bro wn c i rc us o f s i c k fi ts h a s c a us e d
'c h i l
d re n to m i s s s c h o o l, blo o d to a ppe a r
e a r i n
'yo ur s to c ki n g s , a n d a g ro wi n g
a g la n d th a t
i rre g ula ri ty a m o n g d o g s .
g o t o ut o f h a n d , th e s e s wo lle n
rt
th ro wb
a c ks
to th e bro wn a g e Cn jurua n d

t
h
f
a
c h i c ke n -

e ye d

g i rlfri e n d s
g ut-wre n c h i n g tra g e d y o f flo a ti n g c o rn .
i f a n ug ly pe rs o n wa s kn o c ki n g
1 I
Ye s , a s
' yo ur d o o r, th e s e c h o c a la te bo d y
s e rv e m ute te s ti m o n y to th e c h i ld i s h
tlt
m e m o ry o f th e s tupi d e s t m a n a li v e .
ay
.olm
eg r me
lleg o
.ii
: 6 Q
s
,
.a g 1 o ra r__,
;
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.__e a s a a O i
n
to
o '
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s o /!
~
M R R
: He y g uys s e ttle d o wn
. So wh a t
th e
d i
a m e te rs o f
yo ur
pe n i s h o le s ? BILL
: Qua rte r i n c h .
KING
: 3/8 I g ue s s .
f GIBBY
: Th a t's we i rd
q
ue s ti o n .
P A UL
: 9/32.
THER R ESSA
: A bo ut a n i n c h .
M R R
: M m m m , n i c e a n d ti g h t.
THER R ESSA
:
T
h a n ks
.
0 1 1 1 1 1 .0 1
M R R : So Ki n

j
g ( Ki n g V i ta m i n ) I
s e e e
,
( i n pre s s re le a s e ) th a t yo u h a v e a pi e c e o f
l
c o rn s tuc k i n yo ur le ft e a r
. Er . .
.wh a t's
th e s to ry?
KING
: We ll o n e e v e n i n g I
wa s
bo re d , a s .
ki n g s te n d to be , a n d s o m e o f th e c o rn I ,
h a d e a te n fo r d i n n e r re m a i n e d o n a pla te .
In a v e ry i n n o c e n t g e s ture , I s tuc k a ~
pi e c e i n m y e a r wh e re i t h a s re m a i n e d
'
d e e ply lo d g e d a n d un m o v i n g fo r a bo ut
th re e ye a rs n o w
. It's s o rt o f li ke h e a ri n g
th e wo rld th ro ug h c o rn -s h ro ud e d e a rs .
M R R
: Th a t's wi ld a n d yo u a re fro m O h i o ?
KING
: Ye s , a n d I wa s bo rn a n d ra i s e d i n
Ft
. Wo rth , Te xa s .
M R R
: Yo u g uys re a lly g o wi ld wh e n yo u
pla y li v e g i g s .
EV ER YBO DY:
Th a n x . .
.wo w . .
.c o o l . .
.bi tc h i n
. M R R
: Ha '
h a
. .
.a n d I jus t wa n te d to a s k yo u g uys '
.
wh e re yo u g o t o ff to a c ti n g li ke h a rd c o re
n a s a l-th i n n e r a n d th e d i s e a s e d m us ta n g s
.
" pi a .
.0 s i o li lli l
g O
g o *
. e v .
: . 0
i
l.0 1
R a lf IISIv
;#8fi i i s i a w~ s e t
Th ro wn c le a r o f th e wre c ka g e o f th e m e
d e c a d e , th e s e SUR FER S a s k n o t wh a t th e y
c a n d o fo r th e i r c o un try, but jus t e xa c tly
wh a t th e i r c o un try h a s s tuc k up th e i r
butts
. So m e s a y a i m lo w a n d yo u wi ll re a c h
yo ur g o a l
. Th e y s a y, He ll No !, a i m s o lo w
yo u wi ll pi s s o n yo ur s h o e s
. No t o n ly d o
th e y bi te th e h a n d th a t fe e d s th e m , th e y
try to m a ke i t ja c k 'e m o ff
. Th e s e je rks
kn o w th e d i ffe re n c e be twe e n m a yo n a i s e a n d
m i ra c le wh i p a n d a re n
' t un wi lli n g to pa rt
th e c urta i n a n d s c ra pe th e o ld ba g o v e r
th e n a i ls
. No t to o lo n g a g o yo u c o uld n 't
buy a g o o d s c re a m
. Th o s e d a ys a re ba c k,
a n d n un s a re d o i n g ba c kfli ps i n
c o n v e n i e n c e s to re s wh e n e v e r th e s e c o rn
flo a ti n c o w be a te rs plo p i n to to wn
. No t to
i g n o re th e c rus t a ro un d th e e d g e s , wi th
th e s e g a ls yo u g e t th e pa th wa y o f fla ke s ,
a wi ff o f flyh e a d s , a n d th e g a s s y e s c a pe
o f d e a th i ts e lf fro m th e bo we ls o f h um a n
e m ba rra s s m e n t
. Bug s s ta n d i n li n e a s
m o n ke ys h um p a n d g ri n d
. No t jus t a n o th e r
c a s e o f th e d e a f le a d i n g th e bli n d
. So g o
o ut a n d c o rn i t . . .
.th e bro wn c ri m e !
/
1 1 1 0 1 1 0 0 i li

,2
a Ili
.IM

e a u,
M R R
: So wh a t a re yo ur fa v o ri te ba n d s ?
EV ER YBO DY
:

FR IGHTWIG,

BLO WJ O B
M O SES, ED A SNER IS A GUY, LA KE
HENR Y BA BBLE WIGS,
M R R
: Wo w, I th o ug h t fo r s ure yo u g uys
c o uld h a n d le yo urs e lv e s i n a c ro wd full o f
n ut a n d be rry g a th e re rs
.
THER R ESSA
: Ye a h , fo r a wh i le i t re a lly
bo th e re d us a n d th e m o re we th o ug h t
a bo ut i t th e m o re we h a d to s ta rt we a ri n g
le g a n d a rm bra c e s
.
n
;SUS
n .
f~11 .
111
I;M R R
: So , a re yo u g uys a s s o c i a te d wi th
a n y o f th o s e be a d -pulli n g ba n d s fro m jus t
n o rth o f Ho us to n ?
GIBBY
: No
. CLEO P A TR A 'S V A GINA ,
WIGWA M CA FETA R IA P ENCILS, LO R NE
GR EEN'S BIKINI, th e J A CK O FFICER S,
A CO R N STR A NGER
; STER N FA R M ER ,
GA R LA ND M IDGET TR A ILS, DO UBLED-U
P
NUN, IRON TOOTHPICK, LEG WHEAT, the
AGAINSTERS, SCOTTISH DONKEY
STUNTM A
N
THROAT OYSTER CULT,
SENA TO R ,
J ESUS
CUP A KE
L
JESUS, MILKBLOO
D
,
A ND HA IR , SCR EENDO O R P ENIS, th e
FO CKLER S, th e TWIGS O F SISTER
YESTER DA Y, SNA KE HA NDLER S
CO NV ENTIO N, HITLER 'S LO ST TESTICLE,
P ILLA R

O F

FISH,
A R THUR
E
PALE A
AND WASPS, ALL OLD
DEADLY
LA
WHALES,

GAY

TRINE,
FLUSH A ND BUR L IV ES.
aelitts'essissestIsn li
nesssGII11sv a

0:
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a s

0.
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T
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049
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