Why I am in College

Timothy A. Rodkey

My enrolment in Community College of Philadelphia was precipitated by a drastic
change in one of my most cherished lifelong paradigms; namely, that my intellect set me
aside from others. For whatever reason, for as long as I can remember, I classed myself
amongst great men. I found myself in the company of Moses, Tesla, Leibniz and James
Joyce. In my head I was their equal, done wrong by my lot in time and space. I was
encouraged by theirs failures and drew parallels to my own as examples of how I too was
on the path to greatness. I was sure, quite sure, that at some point our meritocratic society
would rear up, and some poor soul with nothing better in his life but money would see the
inherent value in my ideas and fund my utopian ideals.
Needless to say it did not work out that way. Initially the illusion was easy to maintain. I
was a prodigious reader, at least compared to my peers. I had the benefit of an education
rich in logic, rhetoric and public speaking. Everyone told me I was smart, and I was
inclined to believe them. The fact that I did poorly in school did not deter me at all. Had
not all the other greats failed thus? Einstein was poor at maths, Newton left Cambridge
and so on. I compounded my error in believing that my natural strengths would
compensate for any area I had difficulty, as if somehow a gift for rhetoric could
ameliorate a deficit in algebra. If I was no good at it, it wasnt worth learning.
These and other bullheaded ideas carried me through several years of homelessness and
misadventure. I worked as a farmer, as a fry cook, a merchant marine. I sold
kaleidoscopes on the streets of New Orleans, lost my heart in Grinnell and then again in
New Orleans. I cannot tell you how long I thought she would be coming back to me. Or
how cruel those kinds of thoughts can be. I was a traveler, a thief and a stranger, wearing
my otherness like a shawl. I was disenfranchised, caught up in that mixed heady feeling
of elation and despair. The singer was right; Freedoms just another word for nothing
left to lose.
I tried to hide in shadows and filth but ultimately my dreams betrayed me. I have a
burning passion to understand information, what types of information is available to us
and how to enhance and augment our ability to perceive and process said data. I want to
optimize the human interface, really know the worlds around us. I read voraciously.
Anything I thought was remotely related from neuroscience, chemistry, biology, and
tantric practice, to Light Pattern therapy, sensory isolation and deprivation. I read it all.
But throughout I was plagued by my poor math skills. I remember distinctly trying to
work through a biotechnology textbook and being outright stumped by the equations on
page 15. Obviously this was unacceptable. I used online teaching aids to get my
proficiency up form a 4
th
grade level to a basic algebra level but I found that just as it was
getting good, I was having trouble retaining the information. The self-discipline needed
to teach oneself higher maths is immense. I realized I needed instruction, and not just to
correct my sums. There were whole realms of information that I had a cursory knowledge
of that was sufficient for winning coffeehouse squabbles but of no real substance.
I am in college because for my true dreams to progress, I need to get over my delusions
of merit and learn to work hard regardless of my discomfort. I am retraining my brain
from rewarding me for succeeding at something I am naturally good at to rewarding me
for perseverance. I am seeking to be humble. That is the nature of greatness. That is the
nature of joy.