Kill to Eat

by Oodgeroo Nunukul
from Global Tales, Stories from Many Cultures, London: Longman,
1997
My father worked for the Government, as ganger of an Aboriginal
workforce which helped to bild roads, load and nload the spply
ships, and carry ot all the menial tasks arond the island! "or this
work he received a small wage and rations to feed his seven children!
#$ was the third%eldest daghter!& 'e hated the white man(s rations
%besides, they were so meagre that even a bandicoot wold have had
di)clty in e*isting on them! +hey sed to inclde meat, rice, sago,
tapioca, and on special occasions, sch as the ,een(s -irthday
festival, one plm pdding!
.f corse, we never depended pon the rations to keep orselves
alive! /ad taght s how to catch or food Aboriginal%style, sing
discarded materials from the white man(s rbbish dmps! 'e each
had or own sling%shots to bring down the bleys and greenies % the
parrots and lorikeets that hanted the 0owering gms! And he
showed s how to make bandicoot traps1 a wooden bo*, a bit of wire,
a lever on top and a piece of brnt toast were all that was needed!
-andicoots cannot resist brnt toast! 'e wold set or traps at dsk,
and always ne*t day there was a trapped bandicoot to take prodly
home for Mother to roast! /ad also showed s how to 0atten a s2are
piece of tin and sharpen it! +his was very valable for slicing throgh
the shallow waters1 many a mllet met its doom from the accrate
aim of one of my brothers wielding the sharpened tin! /ad made long
iron crab hooks, too, and we each had a hand 3shing%line of or own!
.ne rle he told s we mst strictly obey! 'hen we went hnting, we
mst nderstand that or weapons were to be sed only for the
gathering of food! 'e mst never se them for the sake of killing! +his
is in fact one of the strictest laws of the Aborigine, and no e*cse is
accepted for absing it!
.ne day we 3ve older children, two boys and three girls, decided to
follow the noise of the bleys and the greenies screeching from the
0owering gms! 'e armed orselves with or sling%shots and made
or way towards the trees!
My sisters and $ always shot at or 2arry from the grond! +he boys
wold climb on to the branches of the gm%trees, stand 2ite still, and
pick ot the choicest and healthiest birds in the 0ock! My elder
brother was by far the best shot of all of s! 4e was always boasting
abot it, too! -t never in front of or mother and father, becase he
wold have been pnished for his vanity! 4e only boasted in front of
s, knowing that we woldn(t complain abot him to or parents!
+he boys ordered s to take p or positions nder the trees as
2ietly as possible! (/on(t make so mch noise5( they told s! $n spite
of the disgst we felt for or boastfl brother, we always let him start
the shooting! 4e was a dead shot, and we all knew it! 6ow we
watched as he drew a bead on the large ble straight across from
him! +he bird seemed intent on its honey%gathering from the gm%
tree! 'e held or breath and or brother 3red!
7ddenly there was a screeching from the birds and away they 0ew,
leaving my brother as astonished as we were orselves! 4e had been
so close to his victim that it seemed impossible he shold have
missed ! ! ! bt he had! 'e looked at him, and his face of blank
disbelief was 8st too mch for s! 'e roared with laghter! My other
brother 8mped to the grond and rolled over and over, laghing his
head o9! -t the more we laghed, the angrier my elder brother
became!
+hen, seeming to 8oin in the fn, a kookabrra in a nearby tree started
his racos chckle, which rose to fll pitch 8st as thogh he, too,
saw the 8oke!
$n anger my elder brother broght p his sling%shot and 3red blindly
at the sond! (Lagh at me, wold yo5: he called ot! 4e hadn(t even
taken time to aim!
.r laghter was ct short by the fall of the kookabrra to the grond!
My brother, horri3ed, his anger gone, climbed down and we gathered
silently arond the stricken bird! +hat wild aim had broken the bird(s
wing beyond repair! 'e looked at each other in frightened silence,
knowing fll well what we had done! 'e had broken that strict rle of
the Aboriginal law! 'e had killed for the sake of killing % and we had
destroyed a bird we were forbidden to destroy! +he Aborigine does not
eat the kookabrra! 4is merry laghter is allowed to go nchecked,
for he brings happiness to the tribes! 'e call him or brother and
friend!
'e did not see or father coming towards s! 4e mst have been
looking for 3rewood! 'hen he came pon s, we parted to allow him
to see what had happened! 4e checked his anger by remaining silent
and picking p a fallen branch! Merciflly he pt the stricken bird ot
of its misery! +hen he ordered s home!
.n the way back we talked with awesome foreboding of the
pnishment we knew wold come! $ wished or father wold beat s,
bt we all knew it wold not be a 2ick pnishment! -esides, /ad
never beat s! 6o, we knew the pnishment wold be careflly
weighed to 3t the crime! 'hen we got home, or mother was told to
give s or meal! 6othing was said of the dead kookabrra, bt we
knew /ad wold broach the sb8ect after we had eaten! 6one of s
felt hngry, and or mother only played with her food! 'e knew that
/ad had decided pon the pnishment, and that Mother had agreed
to it, even if she felt nhappy abot it!
$t was or mother who ordered s to bring into the backyard or
bandicoot traps, or sling%shots, and every other weapon we had! 'e
had to place them in a heap in the yard, while or father careflly
checked every item! .r big black dog stood with s! 4e always did
that when there was troble in the family! Althogh he cold not
possibly nderstand the ways of hman beings, he cold nevertheless
interpret an atmosphere of troble when it came!
"ather spoke for the 3rst time since we had killed the kookabrra! 4e
asked for no e*cses for what we had done, and we did not o9er any!
'e mst all take the blame! +hat is the way of the Aborigine! 7ince
we had killed for the sake of killing, the pnishment was that for three
months we shold not hnt or se or weapons! "or three months we
wold eat only the white man(s hated rations!
/ring those three months or stomachs growled, and or p;;led
dog wold 2estion with his eyes and wagging tail why we sat arond
wasting or time when there was hnting to be done!
$t happened a long time ago! <et in my dreams, the sad, s9ering
eyes of the kookabrra, or brother and friend, still hant me!
Background
Oodgeroo Nunukul: Activist and Poet #alt! 6oonccal, =ath 'alker& #19>? % 9@&
was a creative artist of world standing! 4er writings inclded poetry, essays, short
stories, speeches and plays! A.odgeroo 6oonccal was born =athleen Bean Mary
Cska, on Min8erribah #the 7tradbroke $slands&! .odgeroo 6oonccal means
.odgeroo of the tribe 6nccal1 spelling variations inclde 6nccal, 6oonckle
and 6nkl! $n 197?, .odgeroo 6oonccal #nder the name =athleen 'alker& was
appointed a Member of the .rder of the -ritish Dmpire #Eivil& for services to the
commnity! 7he retrned it in 19F7 in protest against the forthcoming Astralian
-icentenary celebrations #19FF&! .ther pblications by .odgeroo inclde: The
Rainbow Serpent #19FF&, The Spirit of Australia #19F9&, Towards a Global Village in
the Southern Hemisphere #19F9&, Australian Legends And Landsapes #199?&,
Australia!s "nwritten history# more legends of our land #199>& and $odgeroo #199G&!
4er ma8or works inclded %e are going #19HG&, &awn is at Hand #19HH&, My 'eople
#197?&, Stradbro(e &reamtime #197>& and )ather S(y and Mother %ater #19F1&! $n
19F@ she was appointed a member of the Aboriginal Arts -oard of the Astralia
Eoncil! +he content of her narratives is native, the e*pression Ehristian, complete
with .ld and 6ew books! Eoncepts of God, of Good and Dvil have been sed to
e*plain aboriginal legends, bt with signi3cant departres in how the aboriginals
relate to love, sin or divine sanction! +here is no absolte divinity in 6nkl(s
narratives, only a hman nderstanding of life! Spent her childhood on
Stradbroke Island, her book, Stardbroke Dreamtime, fom which Kill to
Eat! is taken, records hr own childhood as well as new and old stories
within "boriginal folklore tradition# She was acti$e in presenting the case
of dispossessed "borigine people to the "ustralian and other
go$ernments#
Poinsettias!
by Beverley Naidoo
Marika thrust the glass jar up to Veronica's face.
'See this one Nicky!' she declared. 'Caught it last week!' Veronica stared at the
coiled brown shape slithering inside the greenish liquid. She felt sick.
'ou should ha!e seen how blinking quick " was #an! $his sort are poisonous!'
Marika's eyes pinned her down% watching for a reaction. She didn't know which
were worse% Marika's or those of the dead creature in the jar.
'&here did you find it''
(er !oice did not betray her and Marika began her dra#atic tale about tracking the
snake in the bougain!illaea ne)t to the hen*run.
"t was a !aluable addition to her collection. +ows of bottles% all with the sa#e green
liquid% lined the shelf abo!e her bed. Spiders and insects of !arious shapes and si,es
floated safely% serenely% inside. Marika carefully replaced the snake ne)t to another
pri,e ite# * a one*legged cha#eleon% its colours dulled and fi)ed. Veronica re#e#bered
it ali!e. "t had been the far# children's pet briefly until they had tired of capturing flies
for it. She had e!en helped one whole Saturday% prowling around the cow*shed%
sneaking up and snapping the o!er*fed blue*bu,,ers in cigarette tins. $he ne)t
#orning Marika and her brothers had decided to let the creature go free and get its
own dinner. -ut when they had co#e to release the catch of
the splintering old wood*and*wire hutch% the cha#eleon lay stiff and still. $he three boys had
wanted to #ake a special gra!e down in the donga *but in the end Marika had persuaded the#
to let her preser!e it.
$he far#% a s#all*holding owned by Marika's parents% lay against a #ountain in the #iddle
of the Magaliesberg. .s well as growing fruit and !egetables and keeping a few ani#als% the !an
+eenens let out a s#all cottage on the far#% #ostly to city !isitors. "t was near enough to
/ohannesburg for Mr and Mrs Martin with their only child Veronica to get away fro# the e!er*
increasing hustle for short breaks. $hey were regulars% co#ing two or three ti#es a year. "n fact
Mr Martin had been !isiting since he was a child% when Marika's #other herself had been a
s#all girl on the sa#e far#. Veronica's own #e#ories of the place stretched back for as long as
she could re#e#ber. 0or years she and Marika had played 'house' in the donga behind the
far#house. $hey had used larger stones for the walls% shifting around s#aller stones as the
furniture. "n the past Veronica used to bring all her dolls% despite her #other's protests.
Sensing Marika's en!y% she had enjoyed saying which dolls could be played with. -ut since
Marika's tenth birthday things were different.
Veronica had been taken by surprise. She had been sitting with the far# children on the wall of
the stoep% dangling her legs and kicking the brickwork with her heels like the others. Marika had
been telling her about the disco which had been her birthday treat when Veronica had suggested
that they go to the donga.
'(ey the girls are going to play dollies!' Marika's twin brother 1iet had sneered. Slipping off the
wall% si)*year*old 2irk had rolled on the ground% kicking his legs in the air and cooing.
'3aga gaga! Mo##y! Mo##y! Change #y nappy!'
Veronica had glared at hi# and he had pulled a face at her. She had fought to hold back her
tears. 4nly .nton% the oldest% had not joined in% but called the others to lea!e the girls alone to
their sissy ga#es. Marika had reacted furiously.
'"'# not a sissy!' she had screa#ed after the#. 5ea!ing Veronica alone on the stoep% she had
gone inside the house% sla##ing the door behind her.
&hen Veronica returned to the far# a few #onths later% Marika had begun her bottle collection.
Veronica had also left her dolls at ho#e% e)cept for the eyelid*clicking% brown*eyed Margaret.
-ut this ti#e the porcelain head with brown painted curls re#ained tucked under the bedclothes
and was spoken to only at night. She beca#e Veronica's personal counsellor on the far# * a pale
replica of Veronica's personal counsellor in town.
-ack ho#e in /ohannesburg it was +ebecca% their #aid% to who# Veronica confided. She was a
far better listener than Margaret because she #ade sy#pathetic noises. &ith Veronica's #other
often helping out at her father's office% or busy with Mothers' 6nion #eetings% they spent a lot of
ti#e together. &hether she was cooking% washing% ironing or dusting% +ebecca was always
prepared to chat. -ut she ne!er ca#e to the far# with the#. "nstead she went to !isit her own
children% li!ing with their grand#other% a fi!e*hour bus ride away.
Sharing secrets with +ebecca was fun% especially when +ebecca had let her !isit her di#% tiny
roo# in the ser!ants' quarters at the top of their block of flats. "t had started with her desperate
desire to see the bedspread which +ebecca had been patiently e#broidering for #onths on
'babysitting' nights when Veronica's parents went out. .lthough Veronica didn't think she
needed to be 'babysat'% she liked +ebecca's co#pany. $ogether they would sit and talk at
the table in the Martin's kitchen until it was her bed*ti#e. She had watched the
bedspread growing and% when it was finally co#pleted% had begged and nagged to see
how it looked on the bed. -ut before she could be taken% +ebecca had #ade her
pro#ise% '+e#e#ber% you are not to tell your #a or pa!'
-ecause it had been a secret% e!erything had stayed fi)ed in her #ind like a picture. $he
splendid bedco!er draped o!er an old iron bed raised up high on bricks. . curtain across
one corner of the roo#. +ebecca's cupboard. .n orange crate table ne)t to the bed% on
which stood a photo of +ebecca's four children. Veronica had studied their s#iling black
faces to see if they looked like their #other% trying to #atch the faces to the na#es she
asked +ebecca to repeat. $he only one whose na#e she always re#e#bered was Selo%
the oldest% because he was e)actly her age and his na#e was shorter than the others.
'"s this Selo'' she had asked% picking out the tallest of the children% who had a cheerful%
cheeky grin.
'4h yes% that's Selo! .lways getting into trouble!' +ebecca had laughed% adding% '-ut
he's a good boy.'
et here on the far# there was no +ebecca. So it was to Margaret that Veronica
confided about the snake's awful eyes. 4f course if it was +ebecca% she would #ake
so#e sounds to show how disgusted she was. $hen they would laugh together at how
stupid it was to keep all those dead creatures in jars.
-ut there was so#ething e!en #ore i#portant she needed to talk to +ebecca about. "t
was so#ething
Marika had said after she had put the snake back on the shelf. She had hinted strongly
that her brothers had #ade up a test which Veronica would ha!e to pass before she
could go on playing with the#. Marika herself had carried out a dare set by the boys.
She would not say what it had been% it was so terrible. She was equally #ysterious
about Veronica's dare.
'"'# not allowed to tell . . . but you know our neighbour /an Venter . . .''
Marika had stopped and o#inously refused to say anything #ore.
-ig and burly * known for his fla#ing red beard% #oustache and te#per * children% and
e!en adults% usually kept clear of Meneer Venter when possible. Veronica had seen hi#
only once% when he had called to see Mr !an +eenen to insist Marika's father #end the
fence between the#. (e ran one of the biggest orange estates in the area and e!eryone
knew that he threatened to shoot any trespasser on his land like he shot baboons. $hat
was not to be taken lightly. /an Venter was known to be 'fond of the bottle' and there had
been talk about the disappearance of Mrs Venter a few years ago. So#e people said she
had just had enough of his te#per and gone back to her own people in another part of
the country. $he ru#our a#ongst the local children was that he had #urdered his wife
and buried her in front of his house * under a poinsettia bush which now had brighter
than usual red flowers.
$he ne)t #orning% instead of darting off early to look for Marika% Veronica hung back
and waited for her parents before going to the far#house for breakfast. Marika and her
fa#ily ate in the kitchen but the Martins were ser!ed their #eals in the dining*roo#%
beneath a pair of #assi!e kudu horns and hea!ily fra#ed photographs of Marika's
grandparents. Mrs !an +eenen followed behind the ser!ant who carried the plates of
stea#ing porridge.
'Still no sign of rain% but it'll be a nice day again for you all!'
She s#iled and stopped to pass on so#e of the local news% including talk of a leopard
seen again on the #ountain behind the far#.
$oday Veronica took her ti#e. &hen she ca#e to her last piece of toast% she chewed it
slowly. She was trying to think of a good reason to stay with her parents who were
pouring second cups of coffee% when her #other said% 'ou can be e)cused% Veronica
dear. ou can go off and play. ou won't go near the #ountain% will you''
She nodded% pursing her lips together and got up. (er father ruffled her hair as she
passed.
'(a!e a good day +onnie!'
(e only called her that when he was rela)ed. She just hoped Marika's brothers didn't
e!er hear it. $heir jokes about 'Nicky' were bad enough.
(oping the !an +eenen children #ight still be at breakfast in the kitchen% Veronica
headed for the opposite door% to the stoep. -ut they were already there on the wall% legs
swinging% waiting. .nton% the oldest% was direct.
'&e'!e #ade a new rule. 3irls ha!e to do a dare before they join our gang.'
Veronica stood rooted to the concrete floor. .ll the children e)cept .nton were grinning.
2ead*pan% he went on to e)plain that she had to cli#b through the barbed*wire fence
into the neighbouring Venter estate and #ake her way across to the front of /an Venter's
far#house.
'ou'!e got to get one of his poinsettia flowers. &e don't ha!e any this side% so you can't
cheat!'
$hey would acco#pany her as far as the fence and wait for her to return.
$here was no way out. "f she wasn't part of the gang% there would be no one to play
with. .s they #arched across the donga Veronica glanced at the spot where they used to
play 'house' in the shade of the thorn trees. $he stones were still there. "t was like
another world. "nside she felt cold and shi!ery e!en though her feet and ar#s were
#o!ing swiftly in step with the others and the sun's heat was already en!eloping the#.
.s they trudged in silence along the edge of the #ealie field% nearing the wire fence%
2irk suddenly broke out into a jingle.
'Nicky% Nicky% looks so sicky!'
(e was told sharply to shut up by the others.
'. dare is not a ga#e! "t's a serious thing you idiot%' Marika snapped.
.t the fence .nton and 1iet parted the barbed wire for Veronica to slip through. .nton
pointed.
'$he far#house is that way. .t the end of the orange trees follow the road.'
Veronica cast a quick gli#pse back at the group. $hey all had sole#n faces e)cept for
2irk who couldn't hide his little grin. She was already far down the line of orange trees
when she heard Marika's !oice ringing faintly behind her.
'3ood luck% hey Nicky!'
Sounds of laughter see#ed to follow.
0or as far as she could see ahead there were only straight rows of trees% the deep green
lea!es and bright orange fruit silently glinting in the sunlight. $hey were not good
co!er. &ith her shadow darting fro# one tree's patch of shade to the ne)t% her #ind
began searching wildly for what to say if she was caught. Could she pretend she was
lost... or that she had a dog which had got lost' 4r that she had co#e to warn Meneer
Venter about the leopard on the #ountain' Veronica could not i#agine the big burly
#an with the fla#ing beard belie!ing any of her stories. She al#ost wished the dare had
been for her to go up the #ountain instead.
(er #outh was dry% her body wet and sticky% her legs sprinting hea!ily. Sucking in s#all
quick breaths% she jerked to a halt. $he #o#ents of rest brought a terrible panic. &hat
on earth was she doing here% alone in the #iddle of /an Venter's oranges' $his dare was
too dangerous. She should run back and tell the others it was unfair. She bet they
wouldn't do it! $hen she re#e#bered Marika saying her own dare was too terrible to
talk about. 1erhaps she had just said that to frighten her . . . -ut if she went back now%
that would be the end of their friendship. &hate!er could she do by herself on the far#'
"t wasn't worth thinking about. 5ips pressed together% her eyes intently scoured the
bushes ahead.
.t last she could see she was co#ing to a dirt road. 1eering fro# behind a tree% she
studied how to #ake her way up it. 4n either side was a line of tall grey bluegu#s
leading to a cluster of white*washed buildings. $he furthest one see#ed to be the #ain
house. $here was no poinsettia in sight% so the front had to be around one of the other
sides. -ehind the bluegu#s on the far side of the road% set a little back% were so#e huts *
ser!ants' quarters. 6sually she hardly took any notice of these kind of buildings. $hey
were just there% part of what you found on a far#. -ut now she was forced to scan the
area around the huts !ery closely. .lthough there were so#e open doorways% they were
too dark to see inside. No one see#ed to be around% either on the road or in the workers'
co#pound% but it would be safer to stay on the side where she was for as long as
possible. . few large a!ocado trees would pro!ide thick co!er for a short stretch * and
then she would ha!e to trust to the bluegu#s and to fortune.
.t last% in line with the #ain house% she crossed the road. (er shoes s#acking against
the sand pounded as loudly as her heart. 0acing her was a door% leading to a backyard.
She ducked down to creep past a window. . few paces #ore and she had reached the
side of the raised stoep. 4n tip*toe she stretched to look. Still no one! $hrough the
wooden railings she gli#psed a spray of pointed red flowers. $he poinsettia was just
around the corner! Making a final dash to the bush% she ripped off a flower at the ste#.
Milky white stuff spurted out on to her fingers. Not bothering to wipe off the stickiness%
she turned to run. -ut a door banging and fearso#e shouting forced her to cower back
ne)t to the poinsettia bush and free,e. '/ou blikse#! 7k sal jou #oer!'
"t could only be /an Venter. Veronica's .frikaans was not !ery good despite the lessons
at school. -ut she knew Meneer Venter was swearing and that '#oer' was '#urder'. &ho
was he going to #urder now' &as she not perhaps already standing on his wife'
$he co##otion got worse. She could hear sounds of running and other people co#ing
outside. .n elderly wo#an in house#aid's unifor# hurried down steps fro# the stoep
close by to Veronica% without noticing her huddled against the wall. She was #oaning
softly to herself. Meneer Venter was shouting about people who stole fro# hi#.
7!eryone would see now what he did to thie!es.
Veronica was tre#bling but she had to find out what was happening. She stretched
forward to see around the corner. . s#all nu#ber of ser!ants stood at a short distance
fro# the #assi!e figure * his face just a shade lighter than his bla,ing beard and hair. "n
front of hi# stood a black child with thin spindly legs% wearing a pair of torn khaki
shorts% his eyes fi)ed on the ground. $he #an grabbed the boy's ear and jerked his head
upwards% with his other hand forcing an orange into the boy's face.
'8yk hierso! 5ook at this! "'ll teach you a lesson you'll ne!er forget!'
'1lease -aas% this boy has learnt his lesson. (e won't do it again -aas. " will speak to
hi# -aas!'
"t was the old house#aid% her hands together as if in a prayer% pleading% #o!ing nearer
to Meneer Venter. (is ar# swept out% dis#issing her.
'(e #ust learn a proper lesson. $alking is not good enough!'
$he old wo#an was insistent. '(e's only a child #y -aas. 4nce the -aas was also a
child!'
Meneer Venter turned on her now. 'ou go too far now 5ettie. &atch out or "'ll gi!e you
a lesson too!'
$he old wo#an co!ered her face with her hands% shaking her head.
Meneer Venter shouted instructions to a couple of ser!ants who disappeared through the
side door. 4ne ca#e back with a wooden chair and the other with a cane. 0or a #o#ent
after his ear had been released% the boy looked around wildly. "n the second that
Veronica gli#psed his eyes% she al#ost called out. (e looked like Selo% +ebecca's son%
in the photograph! "t couldn't be hi#% could it' +ebecca's fa#ily li!ed far away. -ut
+ebecca had said Selo was always getting into trouble.
$he boy was ordered to lean o!er the chair. 4ne of
the #ale workers was ordered to stand in front and hold hi# down. Meneer Venter took
the cane. Veronica did not look after the first two strikes. $he boy's cries pierced her
ears. She was shi!ering all o!er. (er sto#ach hea!ed.
&hen the cries reduced to a soft whi#pering% Veronica looked up. $o her horror Meneer
Venter was walking in her direction in a slow swagger. $here was no ti#e and no where
to run. Standing transfi)ed% she dropped the flower in her hand. (is eyes were odd%
gla,ed% as if not seeing anything. $hen% as he drew close% they flickered.
'/y is 'n !an +eenen% ne' $ell your father "'# satisfied with the fence.'
-efore Veronica could e!en think what to say% he patted her hair lightly and walked on%
up the steps and into the house. (e had thought she was Marika.
3uiltily% Veronica looked down at the fallen poinsettia. She was aware of the old wo#an
gently holding the boy% #aking soothing noises. $he s#all asse#bly of ser!ants were
talking quietly a#ongst the#sel!es. (astily she picked up the blood*red flower. $he
#ilky oo,ing had stopped and sealed up the ste#. 3rabbing a branch abo!e her% she
snapped off four #ore ste#s% careless of the sticky sap. . flower each. Sprinting down
the road% she passed the old wo#an and the boy who had begun #aking their way
painfully towards the huts behind the bluegu#s. No sounds followed as she entered the
orange trees. She stopped running. She could walk the rest of the way now and gi!e
herself ti#e to regain her breath. $hen she could present each flower quite cal#ly. She
#ight e!en take the gang so#e oranges.
Background
-everly 6aidoo grew p in 7oth Africa nder the apartheid system! An active
resister to apartheid, she lived in her home contry ntil departing to stdy at the
Iniversity of <ork in Dngland! +here she began writing in e*ile and in 19FJ pblished
her 3rst children(s book, the award%winning *ourney to *o!burg, which was dedicated
to her nanny(s two daghters who died from diptheria becase only white people
were inoclated at the time! *ourney To *o!burg was banned in 7oth Africa ntil
1991!
-everly 6aidoo has taght primary and secondary school in London and worked as
an Advisor for Dnglish and Eltral /iversity in /orset! 7he has a Kh!/! in e*ploring
isses of racism with yong people throgh literatre and works tirelessly to
promote children(s entitlement to grow p free from racism and in8stice! 4er
newest novel is The $ther Side $f Truth, for which she won an Arts Eoncil of
Dngland 'riter(s Award in 1999 for work%in%progress as well as the 7marties 7ilver
Medal in >??? and the Library Association(s prestigios Earnegie Medal!
Books:
- .t of -onds
- Borney to Bo(brg
- +he .ther 7ide of +rth
- 6o +rning -ack
- Ehain of "ire
The authors words
$ grew p in apartheid 7oth Africa, accepting the world as presented to me in my
whites%only school and commnity! 'hen my older brother began to 2estion or
deeply racialised and racist e*istence, $ initially dismissed his challenges! 'hen $
entered niversity, the African 6ational Eongress, the 7oth African Eommnist
Karty and most organisations that opposed apartheid had been banned! 6elson
Mandela and varios activists had gone Lndergrond:! +he Iniversity of the
'itwatersrand had been ordered to close its doors to black stdents! 7omehow, a
few black stdents had managed to get special permission to complete corses! A
friend introdced me to a small grop of black and white stdents who met on the
lawn otside the library to debate intensely what was happening in the contry!
Gradally $ shed my blinkers!
$t was not a time for sitting on the fence! Ehoices had to be made! +wo years later,
detention withot trial and solitary con3nement made me nderstand more flly
how the contry felt like a vast prison for most of its people! After $ left 7oth Africa
the following year in 19HJ, $ had to deal with my sense of disconnection! $ was
physically in Dngland bt my head was in 7oth Africa, imagining my brother and
others locked away in prison! +he resistance had, for the time being, been smashed!
$ immersed myself in literatre from the African continent, some of it banned back
home! Apartheid aimed to segregate s, physically, intellectally, emotionally! -t
here were writers inviting me to cross bondaries into their particlar worlds,
inviting me to engage with them!
$ began writing in e*ile 3fteen years later! $n retrospect $ can see that all my writing
has involved 8orneys of one kind or another! My 3rst small novel *ourney to *o+burg
arose ot of a 2estion: 4ow cold $ show my children, born in e*ile, as well as other
readers, yong and old, something of the terrible reality of a system that forced
millions of black children to live apart from their parentsM Althogh the book was
banned in 7oth Africa ntil the year after 6elson Mandela:s release from 8ail, it
travelled in Dnglish, and in translation, arond the world! Almost everywhere, the
most common 2estion that it has stirred in readers has been: L,s your story true-+
D*cept amongst yong Kalestinians who, tragically, identify their crrent lives with
the yong black 7oth Africans who pitted themselves against apartheid:s mighty
tanks! $nstead they ask me nanswerable 2estions like: .,s /ustie sleeping or is it a
dream- ,f /ustie is sleeping, who will wa(e /ustie up-+
Mch of my writing involves engagement with reality that leads me on to imagined
e*perience! $ tend to do a lot of research after which $ have to release myself from
all my docmentation in order to give myself space to allow the material to be
transformed! Dach time there is an aesthetic 2est to 3nd the shape and form that
illminate the moral dilemmas, the 2estions at the core! $t is this aesthetic,
creative 2est that creates space for my imagination! 'hen writing, $ make a
8orney across the fence into the lives of characters at very particlar points in time
and place! $ fre2ently take myself into the lives and perspectives of children and
adlts that $ wasn:t N and in the 7oth African conte*t the most pressing challenge
has been for me to cross or racialised borders!
My concern with this theme of crossing bondaries, especially of racialised
identities, led me ot of 3ction writing for three years into trying to look
dispassionately at the potential impact of literatre in this area! $ ndertook a
doctoral research pro8ect in which a class of white -ritish 1@ year olds read
literatre for a year that challenged them to imagine themselves into very di9erent
sitations and identities! $ wanted to see from their responses what evidence $ cold
3nd of empathy, of changing perceptions and, ltimately, of any critical thinking
abot their own society! 'old engaging in 3ctional witness, encorage greater
awareness in relation to their own conte*tM My 3ndings were both illminating and
sobering! $ wrote abot the e*perience in a book called Through %hose 0yes-
01ploring raism# reader, te1t and onte1t.
"ortnately, three years stdying the L3lters: that readers bring to te*ts did not
diminish my own drive to contine writing 3ction! 7tories are a way of making
sense, 3rst of all for myself, and then for others! $ believe that if a writer can 3nd
the trths in a speci3c hman sitation, the meaning will carry across time, place,
at least to some readers if not to all!
http://www.crossingborders-africanwriting.org/writersonwriting/
Games at Twilight
Anita Desai
"t was still too hot to play outdoors. $hey had had their tea% they had been washed and had their
hair brushed% and after the long day of confine#ent in the house that was not cool but at least a
protection fro# the sun% the children strained to get out. $heir faces were red and bloated with
the effort% but their #other would not open the door% e!erything was still curtained and shuttered
in a way that stifled the children% #ade the# feel that their lungs were stuffed with cotton wool
and their noses with dust and if they didn9t burst out into the light and see the sun and feel the
air% they would choke.
:1lease% #a% please%; they begged. :&e9ll play in the !eranda and porch<we won9t go a step
out of the porch.;
:ou will% " know you will% and then<<;
:No<we won9t% we won9t%; they wailed so horrendously that she actually let down the bolt of
the front door so that they burst out like seeds fro# a crackling% o!erripe pod into the !eranda%
with such wild% #aniacal yells that she retreated to her bath and the shower of talcu# powder
and the fresh sari that were to help her face the su##er e!ening.
$hey faced the afternoon. "t was too hot. $oo bright. $he white walls of the !eranda glared
stridently in the sun. $he bougain!illea hung about it% purple and #agenta% in li!id balloons. $he
garden outside was like a tray #ade of beaten brass% flattened out on the red gra!el and the
stony soil in all shades of #etal<alu#inu#% tin% copper% and brass. No life stirred at this arid
ti#e of day<the birds still drooped% like dead fruit% in the papery tents of the trees= so#e
squirrels lay li#p on the wet earth under the garden tap. $he outdoor dog lay stretched as if
dead on the !eranda #at% his paws and ears and tail all reaching out like dying tra!elers in
search of water. (e rolled his eyes at the children<two white #arbles rolling in the purple
sockets% begging for sy#pathy<and atte#pted to lift his tail in a wag but could not. "t only
twitched and lay still.
$hen% perhaps roused by the shrieks of the children% a band of parrots suddenly fell out of the
eucalyptus tree% tu#bled frantically in the still% si,,ling air% then sorted the#sel!es out into
battle for#ation and streaked away across the white sky.
$he children% too% felt released. $hey too began tu#bling% sho!ing% pushing against each other%
frantic to start. Start what' Start their business. $he business of the children9s day which is<
play.
:5et9s play hide*and*seek.;
:&ho9ll be "t';
:ou be "t.;
:&hy should "' ou be<<;
:ou9re the eldest<<;
:$hat doesn9t #ean<<;
$he sho!es beca#e harder. So#e kicked out. $he #otherly Mira inter!ened. She pulled the
boys roughly apart. $here was a tearing sound of cloth% but it was lost in the hea!y panting and
angry gru#bling% and no one paid attention to the s#all slee!e hanging loosely off a shoulder.
:Make a circle% #ake a circle!; she shouted% fir#ly pulling and pushing till a kind of !ague
circle was for#ed. :Now clap!; she roared% and% clapping% they all chanted in #elancholy
unison> :2ip% dip% dip<#y blue ship<<; and e!ery now and then one or the other saw he was
safe by the way his hands fell at the crucial #o#ent<pal# on pal#% or back of hand on pal#<
and dropped out of the circle with a yell and a ju#p of relief and jubilation.
+aghu was "t. (e started to protest% to cry :ou cheated<Mira cheated<.nu cheated<<; but
it was too late% the others had all already streaked away. $here was no one to hear when he
called out% :4nly in the !eranda<the porch<Ma said<Ma said to stay in the porch!; No one
had stopped to listen% all he saw were their brown legs flashing through the dusty shrubs%
scra#bling up brick walls% leaping o!er co#post heaps and hedges% and then the porch stood
e#pty in the purple shade of the bougain!illea% and the garden was as e#pty as before= e!en the
li#p squirrels had whisked away% lea!ing e!erything glea#ing% brassy% and bare.
4nly s#all Manu suddenly reappeared% as if he had dropped out of an in!isible cloud or fro# a
bird9s claws% and stood for a #o#ent in the center of the yellow lawn% chewing his finger and
near to tears as he heard +aghu shouting% with his head pressed against the !eranda wall%
:7ighty*three% eighty*fi!e% eighty*nine% ninety . . .; and then #ade off in a panic% half of hi#
wanting to fly north% the other half counseling south. +aghu turned just in ti#e to see the flash
of his white shorts and the uncertain skittering of his red sandals% and charged after hi# with
such a bloodcurdling yell that Manu stu#bled o!er the hosepipe% fell into its rubber coils% and
lay there weeping% :" won9t be "t<you ha!e to find the# all<all<.ll!;
:" know " ha!e to% idiot%; +aghu said% superciliously kicking hi# with his toe. :ou9re dead%; he
said with satisfaction% licking the beads of perspiration off his upper lip% and then stalked off in
search of worthier prey% whistling spiritedly so that the hiders should hear and tre#ble.
+a!i heard the whistling and picked his nose in a panic% trying to find co#fort by burrowing the
finger deep<deep into that soft tunnel. (e felt hi#self too e)posed% sitting on an upturned
flowerpot behind the garage. &here could he burrow' (e could run around the garage if he
heard +aghu co#e<around and around and around<but he hadn9t #uch faith in his short legs
when #atched against +aghu9s long% hefty% hairy footballer legs. +a!i had a frightening gli#pse
of the# as +aghu co#bed the hedge of crotons and hibiscus% tra#pling delicate ferns underfoot
as he did so. +a!i looked about hi# desperately% swallowing a s#all ball of snot in his fear.
$he garage was locked with a great hea!y lock to which the dri!er had the key in his roo#%
hanging fro# a nail on the wall under his workshirt. +a!i had peeped in and seen hi# still
sprawling on his string cot in his !est and striped underpants% the hair on his chest and the hair
in his nose shaking with the !ibrations of his phleg#*obstructed snores. +a!i had wished he
were tall enough% big enough to reach the key on the nail% but it was i#possible% beyond his
reach for years to co#e. (e had sidled away and sat dejectedly on the flowerpot. $hat at least
was cut to his own si,e.
-ut ne)t to the garage was another shed with a big green door. .lso locked. No one e!en knew
who had the key to the lock. $hat shed wasn9t opened #ore than once a year% when Ma turned
out all the old broken bits of furniture and rolls of #atting and leaking buckets% and the white
anthills were broken and swept away and 0lit sprayed into the spider webs and rat holes so that
the whole operation was like the looting of a poor% ruined% and conquered city. $he green lea!es
of the door sagged. $hey were nearly off their rusty hinges. $he hinges were large and #ade a
s#all gap between the door and the walls<only just large enough for rats% dogs% and% possibly%
+a!i to slip through.
+a!i had ne!er cared to enter such a dark and depressing #ortuary of defunct household goods
seething with such unspeakable and alar#ing ani#al life but% as +aghu9s whistling grew angrier
and sharper and his crashing and stor#ing in the hedge wilder% +a!i suddenly slipped off the
flowerpot and through the crack and was gone. (e chuckled aloud with astonish#ent at his own
te#erity so that +aghu ca#e out of the hedge% stood silent with his hands on his hips% listening%
and finally shouted% :" heard you! "9# co#ing! Got you<<; and ca#e charging round the
garage only to find the upturned flowerpot% the yellow dust% the crawling of white ants in a #ud
hill against the closed shed door<nothing. Snarling% he bent to pick up a stick and went off%
whacking it against the garage and shed walls as if to beat out his prey.
+a!i shook% then shi!ered with delight% with self*congratulation. .lso with fear. "t was dark%
spooky in the shed. "t had a #uffled s#ell% as of gra!es. +a!i had once got locked into the linen
cupboard and sat there weeping for half an hour before he was rescued. -ut at least that had
been a fa#iliar place% and e!en s#elled pleasantly of starch% laundry% and% reassuringly% of his
#other. -ut the shed s#elled of rats% anthills% dust% and spider webs. .lso of less definable% less
recogni,able horrors. .nd it was dark. 7)cept for the white*hot cracks along the door% there was
no light. $he roof was !ery low. .lthough +a!i was s#all% he felt as if he could reach up and
touch it with his fingertips. -ut he didn9t stretch. (e hunched hi#self into a ball so as not to
bu#p into anything% touch or feel anything. &hat #ight there not be to touch hi# and feel hi#
as he stood there% trying to see in the dark' So#ething cold% or sli#y<like a snake. Snakes! (e
leapt up as +aghu whacked the wall with his stick<then% quickly reali,ing what it was% felt
al#ost relie!ed to hear +aghu% hear his stick. "t #ade hi# feel protected.
-ut +aghu soon #o!ed away. $here wasn9t a sound once his footsteps had gone around the
garage and disappeared. +a!i stood fro,en inside the shed. $hen he shi!ered all o!er. So#ething
had tickled the back of his neck. "t took hi# a while to pick up the courage to lift his hand and
e)plore. "t was an insect<perhaps a spider<e)ploring him. (e squashed it and wondered how
#any #ore creatures were watching hi#% waiting to reach out and touch hi#% the stranger.
$here was nothing now. .fter standing in that position<his hand still on his neck% feeling the
wet splodge of the squashed spider gradually dry<for #inutes% hours% his legs began to tre#ble
with the effort% the inaction. -y now he could see enough in the dark to #ake out the large solid
shapes of old wardrobes% broken buckets% and bedsteads piled on top of each other around hi#.
(e recogni,ed an old bathtub<patches of ena#el gli##ered at hi#% and at last he lowered
hi#self onto its edge.
(e conte#plated slipping out of the shed and into the fray. (e wondered if it would not be
better to be captured by +aghu and be returned to the #illing crowd as long as he could be in
the sun% the light% the free spaces of the garden% and the fa#iliarity of his brothers% sisters% and
cousins. "t would be e!ening soon. $heir ga#es would beco#e legiti#ate. $he parents would sit
out on the lawn on cane basket chairs and watch the# as they tore around the garden or
gathered in knots to share a loot of #ulberries or black% teeth*splitting jamun fro# the garden
trees. $he gardener would fi) the hosepipe to the water tap% and water would fall la!ishly
through the air to the ground% soaking the dry yellow grass and the red gra!el and arousing the
sweet% the into)icating scent of water on dry earth<that lo!eliest scent in the world. +a!i
sniffed for a whiff of it. (e half*rose fro# the bathtub% then heard the despairing screa# of one
of the girls as +aghu bore down upon her. $here was the sound of a crash% and of rolling about
in the bushes% the shrubs% then screa#s and accusing sobs of :" touched the den<<; :ou did
not<<; :" did<<; :ou liar% you did not; and then a fading away and silence again.
+a!i sat back on the harsh edge of the tub% deciding to hold out a bit longer. &hat fun if they
were all found and caught<he alone left unconquered! (e had ne!er known that sensation.
Nothing #ore wonderful had e!er happened to hi# than being taken out by an uncle and bought
a whole slab of chocolate all to hi#self% or being flung into the soda #an9s pony cart and dri!en
up to the gate by the friendly dri!er with the red beard and pointed ears. $o defeat +aghu<that
hirsute% hoarse*!oiced football cha#pion<and to be the winner in a circle of older% bigger%
luckier children<that would be thrilling beyond i#agination. (e hugged his knees together and
s#iled to hi#self al#ost shyly at the thought of so #uch !ictory% such laurels.
$here he sat s#iling% knocking his heels against the bathtub% now and then getting up and going
to the door to put his ear to the broad crack and listening for sounds of the ga#e% the pursuer
and the pursued% and then returning to his seat with the dogged deter#ination of the true winner%
a breaker of records% a cha#pion.
"t grew darker in the shed as the light at the door grew softer% fu,,ier% turned to a kind of
cru#bling yellow pollen that turned to yellow fur% blue fur% gray fur. 7!ening. $wilight. $he
sound of water gushing% falling. $he scent of earth recei!ing water% slaking its thirst in great
gulps and releasing that green scent of freshness% coolness. $hrough the crack +a!i saw the long
purple shadows of the shed and the garage lying still across the yard. -eyond that% the white
walls of the house. $he bougain!illea had lost its li!idity% hung in dark bundles that quaked and
twittered and seethed with #asses of ho#ing sparrows. $he lawn was shut off fro# his !iew.
Could he hear the children9s !oices' "t see#ed to hi# that he could. "t see#ed to hi# that he
could hear the# chanting% singing% laughing. -ut what about the ga#e' &hat had happened'
Could it be o!er' (ow could it when he was still not found'
"t then occurred to hi# that he could ha!e slipped out long ago% dashed across the yard to the
!eranda% and touched the :den.; "t was necessary to do that to win. (e had forgotten. (e had
only re#e#bered the part of hiding and trying to elude the seeker. (e had done that so
successfully% his success had occupied hi# so wholly% that he had quite forgotten that success
had to be clinched by that final dash to !ictory and the ringing cry of :2en!;
&ith a whi#per he burst through the crack% fell on his knees% got up% and stu#bled on stiff%
benu#bed legs across the shadowy yard% crying heartily by the ti#e he reached the !eranda so
that when he flung hi#self at the white pillar and bawled% :2en! 2en! 2en!; his !oice broke
with rage and pity at the disgrace of it all% and he felt hi#self flooded with tears and #isery.
4ut on the lawn% the children stopped chanting. $hey all turned to stare at hi# in a#a,e#ent.
$heir faces were pale and triangular in the dusk. $he trees and bushes around the# stood inky
and sepulchral% spilling long shadows across the#. $hey stared% wondering at his reappearance%
his passion% his wild ani#al howling. $heir #other rose fro# her basket chair and ca#e toward
hi#% worried% annoyed% saying% :Stop it% stop it% +a!i. 2on9t be a baby. (a!e you hurt yourself';
Seeing hi# attended to% the children went back to clasping their hands and chanting% :$he grass
is green% the rose is red. . . .;
-ut +a!i would not let the#. (e tore hi#self out of his #other9s grasp and pounded across the
lawn into their #idst% charging at the# with his head lowered so that they scattered in surprise.
:" won% " won% " won%; he bawled% shaking his head so that the big tears flew. :+aghu didn9t find
#e. " won% " won<<;
"t took the# a #inute to grasp what he was saying% e!en who he was. $hey had quite forgotten
hi#. +aghu had found all the others long ago. $here had been a fight about who was to be "t
ne)t. "t had been so fierce that their #other had e#erged fro# her bath and #ade the# change
to another ga#e. $hen they had played another and another. -roken #ulberries fro# the tree
and eaten the#. (elped the dri!er wash the car when their father returned fro# work. (elped
the gardener water the beds till he roared at the# and swore he would co#plain to their parents.
$he parents had co#e out% taken up their positions on the cane chairs. $hey had begun to play
again% sing and chant. .ll this ti#e no one had re#e#bered +a!i. (a!ing disappeared fro# the
scene% he had disappeared fro# their #inds. Clean.
:2on9t be a fool%; +aghu said roughly% pushing hi# aside% and e!en Mira said% :Stop howling%
+a!i. "f you want to play% you can stand at the end of the line%; and she put hi# there !ery
fir#ly.
$he ga#e proceeded. $wo pairs of ar#s reached up and #et in an arc. $he children trooped
under it again and again in a lugubrious circle% ducking their heads and intoning
:$he grass is green%
$he rose is red=
+e#e#ber #e
&hen " a# dead% dead% dead% dead . . .;
.nd the arc of thin ar#s tre#bled in the twilight% and the heads were bowed so sadly% and their
feet tra#ped to that #elancholy refrain so #ournfully% so helplessly% that +a!i could not bear it.
(e would not follow the#% he would not be included in this funereal ga#e. (e had wanted
!ictory and triu#ph<not a funeral. -ut he had been forgotten% left out% and he would not join
the# now. $he igno#iny of being forgotten<how could he face it' (e felt his heart go hea!y
and ache inside hi# unbearably. (e lay down full length on the da#p grass% crushing his face
into it% no longer crying% silenced by a terrible sense of his insignificance.
Background
"nita Desai
Anita /esai, born in 19@7, is one of the ma8or second generation
$ndian%Dnglish 6ovelists! -orn in $ndia to a German mother and -engali
father, she has written abot ten novels and a collection of short stories and
essays, articles and interviews! 7he has been writing for forty years and has
earned a respectable position in post%colonial literatre! 7he has been
recognised by varios indigenos and international organi;ations and short%
listed for the -ooker Kri;e three times! $nitially, she wrote abot women,
especially middle%class $ndian women and later developed new themes,
sch as the clastrophobic e*perience of city life, demise of traditions, $ndo%
Kakistan, $ndo%Anglican and Dropean cltre, the stereotypical 'estern
view of $ndia, migration and /iaspora and more generally home, family, and
constraints in relationships