Published by

Ever Evolving
Copyright 1998 - 2000
2493 Valley Meadow Drive
Ojai, CA 93022
805-382-6131
Men can be crazy-making. There's no doubt about it. No
matter what you do, they still seem to stay pretty much
the same. In researching men, and testing the techniques
that I teach, I've found that the more I've come to understand men,
the more pleasurable and rewarding my experiences with them are.
One of my methods for understanding men has been to look at
their behavior from the perspective of biological and cultural
evolution. On the surface it could appear that this is just a way to
make excuses for men's behavior. But that's not it at all. You'll see
what I mean once you've gotten to know Harry and Gida. You
might even notice yourself using this useful technique in your
interactions with others, especially men. It can magically release a
lot of tension and frustration to understand the evolutionary reasons
people do some of the things they do.
I have been blessed to be able to travel all over the world. I've
particularly enjoyed visiting tribal cultures in places like Papua
New Guinea, Indonesia, and Africa. I've been able to witness most
of the behaviors that are discussed here. Comparing what I've
observed firsthand to the ancient cultures I learned about in my
studies of cultural anthropology, it is obvious that not much has
changed in thousands of years.
This booklet, although quite simplistic, gives you some reasons
for the sometimes frustrating behaviors that most men seem to have.
It also helps to point out how very different men and women are.
Once you understand that much of what men do and how they
react is a variety of automatic responses, such as needing to succeed,
to solve problems, and how easily they get aroused, you can better
interact with the men in your life, enabling you to have more positive
and often outstanding experiences with them.
Many of our responses are automatic and beyond our control,
but that isn't an excuse for all behavior. We do have control over
how we react to those automatic responses. Culture-that which
we learn and pass on-is as powerful in determining our behavior
as physical evolution, and in many ways, even more so. Personal
pride, integrity, and of course the all-powerful social shame, can do
wonders to keep us in line.
By looking at Harry and Gida, who lived at a time when survival
was their first priority, we can see how those automatic responses
developed, and helped their descendants survive.
Today, thankfully for most of us, survival is not in the forefront
of our concerns. Quality of life is what we care about. We want
more from our experiences and from our relationships with others.
But therein lies the problem. Our expectations have gotten
unrealistic, and extraordinarily high.
If we understand the automatic responses that are built-in
through biological and cultural forces, we're better equipped to
choose how we want to behave by attempting to override the
responses, or be more understanding when the automatic response
is beyond someone's control.
The seemingly Grand Canyon-sized chasm that separates men
from women can actually be bridged. But the first step to building
that bridge is greater understanding which then leads to acceptance.
I think most of us are tired of the "War of the Sexes" and we're
ready to expand our hearts, and open the door for true and lasting
love to come into our lives. I know I am. How about you?
Harry has been tracking Gida with the skill of a great
hunter. She's from another clan but during the summer
festival, when all the tribes in the area get together, Harry
finds himself looking forward to seeing her; he begins searching
for her the moment he arrives.
Harry thinks about Gida...a lot. Her shiny black hair, her smooth
tan skin, and her big brown eyes that seem to sparkle that much
brighter when she sees him. At least he likes to think so. And those
broad hips, tiny waist, and firm round breasts. His need to mate is
strong and his concentration is focused on the problem at hand-
finding an appropriate and appealing mate.
Harry sneaks up from behind and, taking Gida's hand, spins
her around. Her startled look melts into sheer joy at seeing Harry
because she's been searching for him too.
"Follow me," he whispers, as he runs behind a makeshift tent.
They both giggle. Wrapping his arms around her, Harry kisses her
with a hunger built over many months.
"Gida, marry me and come back with me to my compound. I
can't stand these months of waiting. Say yes, please."
She steps back, studying Harry. She already has her answer
but chooses to tease him for a bit. She likes his broad shoulders and
strong arms. He's a good hunter and she knows he will provide for
her well. She felt his hardness against her when they hugged and
kissed so she knows he will give her many children. In fact, she
can see that under his wrap his manhood is as excited to see her as
he is. She smiles.
"Yes, Harry, I want to marry you. I'd hoped you would ask so
I convinced my father to bring my belongings just in case. He and
my mother are happy that you're the one." She kisses him again
and, pressing her body against his, she thinks, oh yes, he will bring
me many children.
. . .
Harry the Hunter and Gida the Gatherer passed their genes down
through the ages to us. They selected for health and strength when
they chose each other, but culture played a part too, for they also
selected for aesthetics. Each individual is unique and varied in their
tastes and although procreation is a strong and compelling drive,
picking a partner is more than making babies. Fashion and beauty
and individual taste have helped create an interesting array of
diversity and individuality among the people of the planet.
Research has shown that the qualities of attractiveness seem to
be universal. For men, balance of features (good genes), shiny hair
(good health), medium-size breasts and broad hips (child bearing),
and flat belly (not pregnant with another man's child), are what
men find most attractive. The amount of body fat that men prefer
varies from culture to culture and era to era. Women find balance of
features and overall strength most appealing.
Intelligence played apart too. Better thinking capabilities meant
better chances of survival because of the ability to make intelligent
choices, solve problems, and create tools.
Men are often blamed for being attracted to a woman's physical
attributes, but most of what people find attractive is unconscious.
Some of it is the biological drive to procreate, some of it is cultural,
and some social-which is more trendy and short-lived than cultural
tastes.
Women are attracted to the physical but they are also attracted
to who and how a man is. Even when they have a negative response
to the surface qualities, women can become attracted to the heart
and soul of a man. Kindness may be a more important quality for
survival of a woman and her children than physical strength or an
attractive body. Women, not understanding men's procreative drive
for particular physical traits, blame men for not being able to look
beyond the surface.
Men blame women for being attracted to a man's wealth but
how well a man will be able to provide for a woman is an important
quality for survival. Even if she is financially capable of caring for
herself her unconscious drive is to select someone who will
successfully keep her and her children well cared for.
If you ask men and women to make lists of the qualities they
are looking for in a partner, the women's lists will almost always be
three or four times longer than the men's, and the men's will have
the simpler, more tangible qualities, such as appearance. As men
get older and less procreation-oriented, the physical (albeit less
important), is still there, but their lists get longer, adding the more
spiritual qualities.
Everyone at the summer festival wishes Harry and Gida
well. They are all pleased to have been able to share in the
wedding celebrat ion. They wish the newlyweds well as
Harry and Gida begin their journey home.
When Harry and Gida arrive at his compound Harry is proud
to show Gida her new home. Constructed of saplings bound together
with leather straps and hides covering the roof and sides, it is large
and well stocked with the supplies they will need for the next several
months. Gida knew Harry was known as a great hunter, but this is
more than she had expected. With what he has provided and the
gifts from her family they're ready to begin their new life. Harry's
family and friends, who occupy the structures that encircle the
compound, are happy to have a new member of the clan.
"Let me show you around." Harry takes her by the hand and
guides her down the hill toward the river. He leads the way over
large rocks until they're in a secluded spot on a beach strewn with
smooth stones. "Come, take a swim with me." He smiles at her as
he removes his clothing. As she undresses she sees his growing
desire for more than a swim. She slides into the water and they
embrace, enjoying the pleasures of young love.
. . .
Life was precarious for Harry and Gida. People were close at hand,
there were dangers to contend with, and they usually traveled in
nomadic and semi-nomadic groups, all of which certainly interfered
with making love. Those men who were the most easily aroused,
with the highest libido, had sex the most. Consequently they sired
the most children.
The men we interact with every day are descendants of Harry
and his fast action buddies. They can become aroused at just the
idea of sex. If a sexy woman walks by, their hormones kick in and,
as you may have noticed on occasion, they can think of only one
thing for a while. But, as strong as the desire to have sex is, culture
is equally as powerful. Otherwise, everyone would be having sex
all the time and not much else would get done.
For women, their primary sexual organ of orgasmic pleasure
has nothing to do with procreation, therefore it seems obvious that
women are supposed to enjoy sex. Unlike most other species, the
human female cycle is not seasonal, and sex and pregnancy is
possible year round. Those women who enjoyed sex the most had
sex more often, with greater opportunity to get pregnant. Also,
orgasm helps pull semen into the cervix, encouraging the possibility
of pregnancy. It's now unquestioned that the fact that many women
today are squeamish about sex and don't enjoy it has nothing to do
with biology and a lot to do with cultural mores and psychological
issues.
But it isn't just pleasure that motivates us. Deep within our
biology is the drive to procreate. Each woman, beginning in puberty
at the onset of menses, is acutely aware that her body is for creating
life, giving birth, and caring for babies.
For a man, it's not just the impulse to propagate the species,
but to pass on his particular line of genes. In recent research it has
been discovered that there are several kinds of sperm. There are
what I call "odds and ends" which do nothing but take up space and
add to the overall mass. The reason for this is because a larger mass
more successfully covers the opening to the cervix, thus raising the
odds of impregnation as well as impeding the likelihood of another
man impregnating the woman.
Then there are what I call "warrior sperm". The warrior sperm
attack any other man's sperm that might be in the woman. There is
also a "gatekeeper" sperm that hovers around the egg, allowing
only "brother" sperm to impregnate the egg.
If a man thinks there's a possibility that another man has had
sex with his partner, his body makes more of the warrior sperm. He
wants his sperm to impregnate the woman. This is competition at
the most primal level.
Culturally, men have been given permission, and even
encouraged to have sex, whereas women have been taught to wait
until they are married. This is a simple matter of pregnancy and
responsibility. Those mores may have been set in place eons ago
because fathers of long ago did not want to have to be responsible
for their daughter's child. Culturally, reputation has also been a
powerful tool in keeping women in line.
Today, with birth control and protection methods, women can
say yes when they want to have sex. It's now a matter of choice
rather than circumstances. Men have difficulty understanding
women's hesitation because they do not have the same set of mores
that women have grown up with. Thus, we're stuck with conflict,
misunderstanding, and a great deal of confusion.
Everyone is enjoying the feast. The hunt had been successful
and now, with their bellies full, stories of the hunt are being
told and retold. No one tires of the shared stories of success.
"...then, when I knew the moment was perfect, I signaled to the
others to run. We're a good team and we worked in perfect harmony.
The antelope were surrounded and we killed five of the seven."
Harry likes being the hero of the day. He has told the story of
their success at least five times now. Everyone wants to know the
details. It is the honor of the lead hunter to share at the feast. Seeing
the pride in Gida's eyes, Harry's chest expands and he stands a
little taller.
. . .
With the drive to procreate and have his children survive, Harry
now focuses his attention on providing for his wife and future family.
Living and hunting communally, everyone is aware of the ability of
each hunter. There's no possibility of faking it. Not only is there the
need to keep his family alive and healthy, there is ego involved. He
wants his family to be proud of him and he wants to look good
among the other hunters as well as the members of his clan. He
wants to belong, to feel important, to be perceived as capable, clever,
and strong. The other hunters need to depend on him. Those who
were the most talented and most driven to succeed were the most
successful. They were the ones who passed on their genes.
For Harry, success was direct and obvious. If he was successful,
he walked into the compound with meat over his shoulder, to a
family that was alive and well-fed. His ability to provide and care
for his family was a major part of his identity as a man.
Today, when men commit to the almost overwhelming
responsibilities of being a husband and father, they are just as driven
to provide and succeed, but they generally bring home little pieces
of paper. Their contribution is not as obvious as a hunk of meat
over their shoulders. And as much as they might enjoy it, they aren't
encouraged and praised for telling their stories of success at work.
Certainly not five times to a circle of admiring friends and family.
Like Harry, men need to feel successful at providing for their
families. They also need to feel part of a team with other men, both
at work and in play. They're competitive by nature, but often in a
friendly way. That's why men can play sports, get angry at each
other, and then go out for a drink afterward. Men understand the
rules of teammanship, and they thrive on it.
Today men are so willing to provide and work hard for their
families that they take on the most dangerous and stressful jobs, die
earlier than women, and commit suicide more successfully than
women, often because they have failed financially and no longer
feel like men. As Eric Hoffer, the modern-day philosopher, said,
"There is no loneliness greater than the loneliness of a failure. The
failure is a stranger in his own house."
Men are not only willing to risk their lives but they often give
up their personal dreams for their wives and families. They do it
instinctively and by cultural training. They even go to war to protect
the lives and life-style of the people they love.
Be brave, be strong, and provide. It's what men are about and
they've been doing it for a very long time.
Hurry, Gida, we're all leaving." Gida grabs her gathering
basket, with provisions for the day tucked in the bottom,
and gentles her chubby new baby into the carrier wrapped
across her shoulder.
"I hope there will be plenty of fruit," she says breathlessly,
hurrying to catch up to the others. "We've been out of our dried
stores for two months now. I miss it" The women are on their way
to the canyon near the summer campground. Last year Gida had
gathered enough fruit to hold her family for almost the entire year.
She had used it as traveling food and for sweetening in her cooking.
"Gida, everyone was happy to learn your method for drying
fruit. Our stores did better this season. Thank you for that and all
your other contributions. We're glad you've come to live with us."
Gida beams. It is nice to be praised by the other women.
The women walk and talk for the next two hours as they head
toward the canyon and its anticipated bounty. Their babies sleep
comfortably, bouncing rhythmically on their mothers chests and
hips. Children, young and old, play along the way. Gida is happy in
her new life with her new friends and family.
. . .
Gida spent most of her time with other women, family members,
and children. They talked and interacted all day, nurturing and
strengt hening important relationships. Gida needed strong
relationships for several reasons. If anything happened to Harry
and he was killed or injured and unable to hunt, others would be
needed to help take care of her and her children. If she died, in
childbirth or from illness or accident, her children would be taken
in by the others. The cooperative nature and close quarters with
those around her made harmony between everyone a necessity.
Relationship became a natural extension of being a woman.
An obvious reason relationship is natural to women is because
it is part of the birth process. To have another being growing and
moving inside of a woman's body is the ultimate in intimacy and
feeling connected.
Those women who were most successful at nurturing their
children had more survive, thus passing on those necessary
relationship and nurturing skills to us, the women of the 21st century.
Today it's more difficult to establish and cultivate strong
relationships. We live in separate isolated housing units, work away
from the home and neighborhood, and often we move to distant
parts of the country, further separating ourselves from those
relationships of family and longtime friends. A sad trend is that
each year there are more and more adults living alone.
Living in greater isolation, couples depend on each other for
more than they know how, or are able, to give. Men need the
camaraderie of fellow "hunters" and women need the close
connections with other women. We need to be with our own kind to
balance ourselves. Women often complain that the men they're
involved with don't give them enough intimacy. But part of what
women are craving is more time with women.
In the compound, Gida spent most of every day with other
women. They shared chores, cared for each other's children, and
talked about every little detail throughout the day. A man cannot
even begin to fill that void, and it's unfair to ask him to.
It is most likely that Gida was not Harry's only wife. Even
today, almost 95% of the world's cultures practice polygyny, where
the man has more than one wife. With two or more wives living
together, a close sisterhood develops and the need for female
companionship is fed.
Another reason women crave more time with their partners is
because they are often separated by great distances as each goes off
to work. Harry was nearby most of the time. Actual hunting time
was not that great. (Ironically, studies of current hunter-gatherers
has shown that they have more leisure time than we do.) Harry
spent a great deal of his time with the other hunters but his presence
was near and if needed, he could be called upon to help. Harry and
Gida saw each other throughout the day, even if they weren't actually
interacting. Most women now work away from the home, which
adds to the feeling of distance between a couple. It is becoming
increasingly difficult to sustain deep and binding connections with
those people we love.
To help women nurture their relationships with their partners it
is important for them to understand that men need to spend time
with other men. It is a deeply ingrained part of a man's biological
and cultural nature. They need to relive great "hunts," plan future
"hunts", and make "tools" together. They need to play games that
hone their "hunting" skills. The drink after work is an attempt for
some men to share "hunting" stories.
For many men, sports fills part of the vacuum and is an integral
part of being a man. They can talk about past great games, future
games, and get out on the playing field to practice their manly skills,
staying in shape for when they must go out there and "bring home
the bacon." But it's not quite the same. Men in tribal life spend
most of every day together, with hunting as the group focus.
Activities where men work together for a common goal are
good. Barbershop singing groups, computer clubs, being in a band,
it doesn't really matter. Sharing activities and goals with other men
regenerates his masculinity. Then he can come home to his wife or
partner and be more available to her.
The time that men spend working together is important but
doesn't take the place of the afterwork and weekend gatherings.
During the work day men are focused on their work. But, it's the
off-work time that satisfies their need for camaraderie. When they
take that time to be with other men, they're happier, and more
fulfilled. . A happy fulfilled man is a loving man.
Gida is sitting with several other women. She's trying to
nurse her baby Sienna, who's curiously bouncing about,
watching the activities buzzing all around her.
Gida looks behind her and yells, "Tuto, get down from there."
Her shrill voice makes her disapproval clear to her three-year-old
son who's climbing a scruffy old tree.
Shifting back to her conversation with her friends, with whom
she's been weaving baskets, she's once again interrupted, this time
by Tuto's grandmother, whispering in Gida's ear. Answering the
old woman's query, she responds, "Yes, it's in the gourd hanging
over Tuto's sleeping pallet. If you rub it on your joints two more
times today, you should feel better by morning." Her touch lingers
on the twisted hand and a moment of affection is transmitted to her
husband's old grandmother.
On the other side of the compound the sound of scraping and
occasional laughter fills the air. The men are making new arrows
from the branches that the women collected on their last visit to the
canyon near their summer grounds. In the chill of fall the men enjoy
the activity of smoothing the bark off of the branches.
. . .
Away from the activities of hunting, Harry didn't have much to say.
He and his companions concentrated mostly on hunting so they
had fewer things to talk about. Survival was their primary focus.
There was solitary time spent watching the horizon in search
of game. Silence was part of their daily lives. Their hunts often
lasted days at a time. With a focused mind, concentrating on the job
at hand, there was litfie need for speech. Also, the risk of frightening
game away made it necessary to remain quiet.
In contrast, Gida and the other women had a broad diversity of
activities that kept them busy. With children, friends, family, and a
variety of chores to be tended to, they had to be able to do many
things at once. Their minds were full and the need to connect and
communicate was strong.
Research is beginning to show some large differences between
the brain patterns of men and women. Men are focused, with less
brain activity, while women, required to do several things at once,
have more neuron connections. It makes sense when the differences
between men and women are explored.
Men and women today are not much different than Harry and
Gida. Because men focus so well, they go for long periods of time
without speaking. They conserve their thoughts, talking only when
necessary, and often only to make a point. Women, able to do and
think of several things at once, find the need to communicate
necessary in order to release and to connect with others.
When a man and a woman with such varying communication
styles live together in isolation from others it seems obvious that
there will be problems. if they're unaware of their contrast in needs
they will each make assumptions about the other that will continue
to be a source of discontent. Their needs are different and must be
fulfilled so they can come together in more loving harmony, no
longer expecting the other to perform in ways that are contrary to
their natural tendencies.
"Good meal, Gida, thank you." Harry walks over to Gida and
kisses the back of her neck. "Why don't I put Tuto to bed
and you nurse Sienna to sleep. Then we can be alone."
Gida smiles. "I like your thinking. It will also help you take
your mind off of your troubles. Sienna should be asleep in no time;
she had a big day today." Their touch lingers for a moment as each
goes off to put the children to bed for the night.
Holding Gida close to his body Harry enjoys the pleasure of
tracing his hand along the curve of her hip. "You're so beautiful."
Smiling up at him, she can see the love in his eyes. Then Harry
leans forward and kisses her soft, round lips.
. . .
Men and women have always been attracted to each other. We all
know about the drive to procreate but the desire for love and intimacy
isjust as great. We have spiritual and emotional needs. We want the
closeness of physical touch as well as the heart and soul connection
that grows when a man and woman come together to form a loving
union.
Harry enjoyed his time spent with the men and Gida loved her
women friends, but there was no other relationship that allowed
them to express the kind of deep connection that occurs over time
between lovers who are committed to each other's well-being.
Another aspect of intimacy is that Harry required an outlet for
his emotional needs. Men have been conditioned biologically and
culturally to be disassociated from their feelings. Being a hunter is
manly business and vulnerability is not manly. Men couldn't allow
themselves to expose their fears or emotionality to the other men.
As hunters, they had to be able tokill, day after day, and not get
overwhelmed by their fears of danger and starvation. Culturally
little boys are taught that big boys don't cry, that they have to be
men. The one place men have permission to be emotional, show
vulnerability, and express some of their fears is with their romantic
partner. In that regard, men need women even more than women
need men because women are more connected to their emotions
and feel comfortable talking with other women about what they are
feeling.
Today we still fall in love. We still get married with the
commitment to each other's well-being. The longing for the spiritual
connection that comes from the heart-and-soul bond is part of the
human experience. Although security is a primal need, survival is
generally not pressing on the consciousness of most people. Women
in particular now have more choices than ever, even to stay single.
Consequently we have the luxury to want more from our
relationships. We expect love, romance, fun, humor, and shared
interests. Our criterion for compatibility is more stringent. The
pressures on our partners to measure up to such high standards are
great and many are not up for the challenge, as our 50% divorce
rate clearly points out.
At our core, we want to love and be loved. If the complications
and expectations of modern life can be set aside, if we can simplify,
we will find love flows more easily. Looking beneath the surface
into each other's hearts will help a great deal.
The stories and songs have been going on for several
hour s. The summer solst ice celebr at ion is ever yone' s
favorite of the year. Giggling children run and play in
the thick evening air, their parents focused on the storytellers.
Harry slides his arm around Gida's waist. Sienna looks up from
her mother's arms and smiles at her daddy. Gida leans back on
Harry's shoulder and whispers in his ear, "This has been a good
year. The game was bountiful and the garden the visitor taught us
to plant is doing well. Our food will be more secure. Tuto and Sienna
are healthy and the baby that grows inside of me kicks with strong
legs. You are a good husband and I am happy here." They stare into
each others eyes for a few moments, enjoying the magic that is
theirs alone. Life for Harry and Gida is good.
. . .
For Harry and Gida life was simpler than for the modern couple
today. They knew their place and their responsibilities were clear.
Harry was to be strong, be brave, and provide. If he did that he was
successful and fulfilled as a man. She was happy if she was safe
and well taken care of. If their children survived into adulthood
their life was exceptional.
Today, those things that were so precarious for Harry and Gida
are, fortunately for most, not what people worry about. Now we
concern ourselves with the quality of life. Job satisfaction,
compatibility and romance, material wealth such as cars, computers,
and the latest fashions. We not only want a home but we want one
in the neighborhood of our choice. Commercials and movies set
unachievable goals for us. And all the while, we think those things
are what happiness is about.
Once our basic survival needs are met we have the luxury to
focus on seeking happiness. But happiness is a way of being, not a
set of circumstances or material objects.
We have been blessed with a consciousness that seeks more
than survival. We seek love, joy, ecstasy, creativity, bliss, and
contentment. When we understand each other better we can accept
each other, then we open our hearts to love. When we experience a
heart to heart connection with another we create magic, the profound
magic of love.
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