G2E 4th Revision

GAMERS: SECOND EDITION
Fifth Draft
November 13, 2003

by
Matt Vancil
1
1. INT. DUNGEON - CORRIDOR

Vermin scurry about a dark dungeon corridor. Debris and
cobwebs line the walls.

Three figures turn the corner, carrying torches. TURK is a
massive warrior in scarred armor. He's carrying an axe and
has a shield slung over his back. FASTIDIAN is a priest in
a white robe. He's gripping a holy symbol, the Sunburst of
Therin. Third is RENNARD, a swarthy rogue in a black cloak.
He's brandishing a thin sword. Following them is WODNICK, a
runty servant carrying a large treasure chest on his back.

At the end of the corridor is a large door. TURK reaches
for it. RENNARD catches his arm and points to cryptic runes
on the door. TURK yanks his arm away from the door.

FASTIDIAN grips his Sunburst and chants softly. The
Sunburst begins to glow. The runes on the door burst into
flame, then die out.

WE HEAR: a locking mechanism unlocking

2. INT. DUNGEON CAVE

Half of the room is natural cavern. The other half is brick
and mortar. Light is shining through a peephole between the
bricks of a wall.

RENNARD
Wodnick, stay here. We'll be back soon.

WODNICK
Aye, my lord.

WODNICK remains outside the door. The others enter. RENNARD
spots the gap in the wall. FASTIDIAN's Sunburst flares.

WE HEAR: a musical chime

The three HEROES brace for combat. Six GHOULS, undead
beasts with sharp teeth and claws, burst out of the floor.

TURK kills three GHOULS with his axe. RENNARD tumbles,
springs up behind a GHOUL, and backstabs it. FASTIDIAN
grips his Sunburst and points at the last two GHOULS.

2
FASTIDIAN
Turn!

The Sunburst flares. The GHOULS shriek and melt, blue
flames consuming their bodies.

When it is clear that they are safe, RENNARD peers through
the peephole in the wall. He waves the others over.

3. INT. DUNGEON ROOM BEHIND THE WALL

On the other side of the wall, only a trickle of light
shines through the gap in the bricks. TURK smashes through
the wall with his shield, sending bricks flying.

Two armored GHOULS stand guard outside a large door. The
GHOULS lower their spears and charge the HEROES, howling.

4. INT. DUNGEON ANTECHAMBER

WE HEAR: a brief struggle and clash of arms

TURK kicks open the door. The HEROES stride inside.

TURK
Mort Kemnon!

MORT KEMNON is seated on a black throne, shrouded in
darkness. His face is hidden. There are dark passages on
either side of his throne.

MORT KEMNON
Welcome.

RENNARD
Your reign of terror ends here!

FASTIDIAN aims his glowing Sunburst at KEMNON.

FASTIDIAN
By the light of Therin, you shall fall!

KEMNON
What good is the light of your goddess?
She cannot help you here.

3
Black energy crackles around KEMNON's hand. The light
around the Sunburst blinks out. The HEROES look at the dark
Sunburst in dread.

FASTIDIAN
We're ...

KEMNON
Doomed.

DEATH KNIGHTS, armed and armored undead, pour in through
the side entrances. The HEROES circle up to defend
themselves. The DEATH KNIGHTS surround them and quickly cut
FASTIDIAN down from behind. He falls in a pool of blood.

TURK
Fastidian!

TURK tries to fight his way to FASTIDIAN, but cannot. A
DEATH KNIGHT's attack drops TURK to one knee. He fights on,
but is hacked to death. RENNARD, alone and wounded, finds
himself in a circle of DEATH KNIGHTS. He glares at KEMNON.

RENNARD
This doesn't end here!

KEMNON
For you, it does. Die.

The DEATH KNIGHTS stab RENNARD in the back. He falls on the
corpses of TURK and FASTIDIAN.

CAPTION: Gamers: Second Edition

KEMNON laughs, dark and deep.

CASS (v.o.)
Crap!

5. INT. GAMING STORE

GAMERS are shopping and playing games in a busy gaming
store. CASS (RENNARD), GARY (FASTIDIAN), and LEO (TURK) are
sitting at a crowded gaming table in the back with LODGE,
their gamemaster. Gaming supplements and junk food cover
the table.
CASS
4
(to GARY)
Why didn't you turn those ghouls?

GARY
Hey, in case you didn't notice, I lost
my powers. How am I supposed to turn
undead without my powers?

LEO
Way to detect the trap, Cass. Very rogue
of you.

CASS
(patronizingly)
That was an ambush, not a trap. There is
a slight difference. I found the trap on
the door, didn't I? Next time, I'll let
you take it in the face.

LODGE
Hey, guys?

CASS
And nice job defending the cleric, Conan.
He lived for, what, two rounds? Real smart,
letting them kill the healer first.

LEO
I didn't see you helping.

LODGE
Guys? Hello?

GARY
Again, it wouldn't have mattered. I didn't
have my powers. I couldn't have healed
anyone anyway!

LODGE
Guys!

The others finally look at LODGE.

LODGE (cont.)
Guys, chill. It's nobody's fault.

LEO
5
(to GARY)
If he hadn't cut you off, we totally
would've had him.

GARY
I didn't know that was even possible,
cutting off a cleric from his God.

CASS
It's not possible. Not in the core rules,
it's not.

LODGE
Cass, I told you before we started that
I'd be taking some liberties with the
rules.

CASS
Right, but this was breaking a basic
rule of the game. What's the point of
playing a cleric if you can strip him
of his powers? That's just broken.
It's way too powerful.

LODGE
Yeah, but this villain is that powerful.
It fits the world.

CASS
It doesn't fit the rules!

LODGE
Setting trumps rules!

CASS and LODGE glower at each other. This is a longstanding
argument. An EMPLOYEE approaches LEO and takes his ear.

EMPLOYEE
Boss? We're down to our display copy of
Pizzajitsu.

LEO
Yeah. I'll be a minute. Argue on.

LEO gets up and leads EMPLOYEE to the back of the store.

6
LODGE
What's more important, an original
fantasy world, or another cookie cutter
setting with no real surprises? You
need to be willing to interact with
the world! Isn't that the goal?

CASS
The goal is to beat the game!

LODGE
This isn't a video game! You should play
like you were characters in a novel.
I'm your storyteller, not your referee.

CASS
You should have at least told us that in
your world, a cleric can be cut off from
his god.

LODGE
Why should I have told you that?

CASS
(to GARY)
Gary, would you have played a cleric if
you knew Lodge could shut him down?

GARY
Hell, no.

LODGE
Look, even if I told you, that's player
knowledge, not character knowledge. You'd
know, but your character wouldn't.

CASS
That is so cheap! It is not cool to let
a PC get that far into the game only
to pull something like that on him.

LODGE
I meant for it to be a nasty surprise, a
challenge you weren't expecting!

CASS
It was. And because it was so unexpected,
7
the party died. This is what happens when
people mess with the rules. I mean, what
were you thinking?

LODGE
(sarcastically)
Oh, I don't know, that maybe it'd actually
force you to role play.

CASS
What do you think we were doing?

LODGE slumps in his chair. It is silent for a moment. LEO
returns to his chair.

LEO
So, same time next week?

GARY
I'm good.

LEO
We're getting a new sci-fi board game,
if you guys want to try it. It looks
pretty cool.

CASS
No, we're doing this one again.

LEO and GARY sigh.

LEO
This same campaign?

GARY
We've done it twice already!

LODGE
You want to do my campaign again?

CASS
Yeah.

LODGE
(surprised)
If you're willing to, that's great. It'll
help me flush the world out more. I thought
8
I had it well balanced this time, but ...

CASS
(interrupting)
I've beaten every game I've ever played.
I have a reputation. I am the Game Master.
There is not a game on these shelves that
can beat me. What kind of gamer would I
be if I let an unpublished mod get the
best of us?

LODGE
Thanks, Cass, that's real thoughtful.

CASS
And before we start the adventure again,
I expect you to fix it.

6. INT. LODGE'S APARTMENT NIGHT

LODGE's two bedroom apartment is cluttered, but navigable.
LODGE opens the door and turns on the light. He drops a
stack of books on his coffee table. GUEN, his large black
cat, meows for attention. LODGE pets him.

7. INT. LODGE'S STUDY NIGHT

The walls are covered with maps of an imaginary fantasy
world. There are stacks of notes piled on the desk, and
maps of dungeons on graph paper.

LODGE drops into his computer chair and kills the
screensaver. On screen is a document reading: "Chapter
One." The rest of the document is blank.

LODGE stares at the screen for a while. He makes as if to
write, then pauses. He's blocked. After a few seconds, he
deflates, and writes: "dick." LODGE sighs. Then he moves to
write as if suddenly inspired. He highlights "dick" and
italicizes it. LODGE sighs again.

The phone rings, startling LODGE. He answers.

LODGE
Hello?

GARY (v.o.)
9
Hey, Lodge? It's Gary.

8. INT. GAMING STORE NIGHT

The store is empty except for CASS, LEO, and GARY. CASS and
LEO are playing a board game in the background.

GARY
We need two more players.

LODGE (v.o.)
I can't. I've got work in the morning.

GARY
No, no, for your campaign. We need two
more players.

9. INT. LODGE'S STUDY

LODGE is sitting in his chair, phone in hand.

GARY (v.o.)
We figured it's why we keep dying. We
need a more rounded group.

LODGE
Yeah, that's fine. That'd work. Two more,
then?

CASS (v.o.)
Bye bye, Caesar! Didn't see that coming,
did you?

LEO (v.o.)
You are so going down!

LODGE (v.o.)
(surprised)
You guys are still gaming?


CASS and LEO are getting more into their game.

GARY
Oh yeah. We're playing "Time Felons."
You go through time beating the crap
10
out of historical figures. I totally
bushwhacked Lincoln.

LODGE (v.o.)
Don't you have class in the morning?

GARY
Yeah, in like five hours.

LEO rolls dice and cheers. He grabs a piece from the board.

LEO
Yeah! Take that, Jesus!

GARY
Look, I gotta go. It's almost my turn.

LEO
Who's the Messiah now?


LODGE hangs up the phone and looks at his map again. He
shuts down the computer, which blacks out the scene.

12. EXT. COFFEE SHOP

PATRONS are moving into and out of an independent coffee
shop on the corner.

13. INT. COFFEE SHOP

PATRONS are sitting at tables, reading books and drinking
coffee. LODGE is sitting at a table with a cup, reading the
paper. MILES, a bespectacled man in his early thirties,
sits down next to him. LODGE folds up the paper.

MILES
Sorry I'm late. Got paged in the parking
lot.

LODGE
Was it serious?

MILES
Is it ever? Some marketing drone's email
crashed, and he didn't know how to get it
11
from backup. They call me for everything.
Most of the time, it's just helping MBAs
turn on their printers

A BARISTA brings MILES his coffee.

MILES (cont.)
How's work with you?

LODGE
Boring. God, it's boring. It's so boring,
I don't have the energy to hate it.

MILES
Well, you've always got your writing.

LODGE
On that, I'm stuck.

MILES
Blocked?

LODGE
No, just stuck.

MILES
What's the problem?

LODGE
I don't know how to end it. I know what
needs to happen in the story, I just
don't know how to get there.

MILES
That's not good. What have you been doing
to break through?

LODGE
I've been running my gaming group through
the world to get some new perspectives,
but the party keeps dying, and they don't
try anything new the next time. We're
going to start all over again once we
get a couple new players.

MILES
What system are you running?
12

LODGE
Second edition.

MILES
How much different is it?

LODGE
From first? Combat is cleaner, there are
more character options. They replaced
Guile with Cunning (and about time, too;
That one never made sense). A lot of
streamlining, basically. Why?

MILES
Well, I haven't gamed since first edition,
but I'd be totally stoked to join.

LODGE
Really?

MILES
Sure. You've been telling me about this
world for years. I want to see it get
published as much as you do. If I can
help, I will.

LODGE
That's awesome! Thanks. What would you
want to play?

MILES
I always played paladins. Are they that
much different in the new rules?

LODGE
Not really. You've still got to be lawful
good, can't take any dishonorable actions.
You know, King Arthur stuff.

MILES
Okay, then. I'm your paladin.

LODGE
Righteous.

13
CASS walks into the coffee shop with JOANNA, his
girlfriend. She is tall and beautiful, with long auburn
hair. LODGE notices CASS and waves him over.

LODGE
Hey, Cass. Check it out. Miles here's
going to join the group.

CASS
Oh yeah?

MILES
Yes indeed. I'll be your paladin.

CASS
Okay, great.
(to LODGE)
So I've found your other new player.

LODGE
Who is he?

CASS
She. Joanna keeps nagging me to get her
involved. I figure we'll make her a
fighter. They're easy enough to play.

JOANNA comes to the table.

MILES
So, you're going to be gaming with us?

JOANNA
Yes, finally.

LODGE stares at JOANNA. CASS thumps him on the chest.

CASS
What's the matter, Lodge? Never gamed with
a girl before?

BARISTA brings coffee to CASS and JOANNA.

CASS (cont.)
See you tomorrow.

CASS exits, coffee in hand.
14

JOANNA
I'll see guys you at Leo's. I'll make
sure not to slow things down too much.

LODGE pulls a gamebook out of his bag and offers it to her.

LODGE (cont.)
If you're worried about that, you should
try giving this a look. It's the player's
handbook. It's got all the rules and
everything you need to know.

JOANNA
Oh. I don't know if I'll be able to get
through all this for tomorrow.

LODGE
You really only need the first chapters.
That's character creation, skills and
feats. If you like.

JOANNA
Thanks, Kevin. I'll look it over.

JOANNA exits, meeting CASS outside.

MILES
Kevin? Who the hell's Kevin?

LODGE
(offended)
I'm Kevin!

MILES
You have a first name?

14. EXT. GAMING STORE

MILES gets out of his car and heads inside.


CASS, GARY, LEO, and JOANNA are sitting at the table in the
back. JOANNA is watching the random GAMERS curiously. LODGE
is setting up his GM screen. He waves MILES over. GARY and
LEO welcome MILES. LODGE sits behind his screen.
15

LODGE
All right, everyone's here. Let's get
started. This is a mid-level campaign,
so we'll be starting your characters at
fifth level.

CASS passes LODGE a character sheet.

CASS
Here's Jo's character.

JOANNA
Hey, what are you doing?

CASS
I made a character for you.

JOANNA
I want to play my own character!

CASS
Yeah, that's why I made you one.

JOANNA
What, you think I can't make a character
of my own?

CASS
You're new. You've never played before.
We're all experienced gamers. We know
what we need in a group. If you're going
to be our fighter, there are certain
requirements you need to meet.

JOANNA
Like what?

CASS
The fighter needs to be the strongest
guy in the party, with a high armor class
and hit points out the ass. That's what
I made for you. And she's even female.

JOANNA
Let me see that.

16
JOANNA takes the character sheet from LODGE and scans it.

JOANNA (cont.)
Bikini mail? What the hell is bikini mail?

CASS
Only the best armor a female character
can wear! It gives an armor bonus against
males equal to her charisma bonus.

GARY
Yeah, there's a picture of it right here.

GARY points to a picture in a source book. The picture is
of a muscular and busty barbarian chick wearing bikini
chain mail. She's also swinging a broadsword.

JOANNA
You've got to be kidding me.

MILES
That looks like it chafes.

JOANNA looks back at the character sheet.

JOANNA
She fights with a broad-sword?

CASS
Get it?

LEO, GARY, and CASS laugh. JOANNA is thunderstruck.

JOANNA
Kevin, help me out here.

CASS
(amused)
Kevin?

LODGE
Guys, she made a character. Let her play
it. We really don't have a right to say
otherwise.

CASS
I agree with you in principle, Kevin, but
17
she's new. I don't want her to die just
because she's inexperienced.

JOANNA
What makes you think I'm gonna die? I
flipped through that handbook. I think I
got the gist of it.

CASS
Okay, then, let's see your character.

JOANNA produces a character sheet from her bag.

LODGE
So, what's your strength bonus?

JOANNA
She doesn't have one.

The other GAMERS all sigh.

JOANNA (cont.)
Her highest stat is her intelligence,
because she's well studied. I put her
other bonuses in dexterity and charisma.

CASS
No strength bonus, no stamina bonus?
How many hit points does she have?

JOANNA
Let's see. [BEAT] Thirty-five.

CASS
(incredulous)
A fifth level fighter with thirty-five
hit points? Yeah, she's really going
to protect the party.

JOANNA
I put all her feats in speed and precision.
That's why intelligence is more important
than strength.

CASS
That would be the case if you were a
wizard. But you're not. You're a fighter.
18
A fighter with a "kill me" sign on her
back.

JOANNA
(resolutely)
I spent two hours on this character, and
I'm going to play her, okay?

CASS
(conciliatory)
Fine, fine. When you die, you can play
bikini babe.

LODGE (cont.)
Are we okay? [BEAT] Okay. Gary, who're
you playing?

GARY
Check it out. I'm a multi-class sorcerer
rogue. I'm all about magic and stealth.

LODGE
Cool. That'll help.

GARY
I'm also a chick.

LEO
Dude! Are you hot?

GARY
Sixteen charisma!

LEO
You want to have sex?

GARY
Totally!

LEO
Awesome! I seduce him. Her.

LEO rolls some dice. JOANNA is stunned.

LODGE
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We haven't started yet.
You guys haven't met.
19

LEO
Yeah, okay. I'll seduce you later.

LODGE
Seduce? That's a social skill. [BEAT] What
are you playing, Leo?

LEO
A bard.

LODGE
Really? You usually play fighters.

LEO
Well, Cass showed me the broadsword
chick, so I figured we didn't need two
battle turtles. A bard will be a nice
change of pace.

LODGE
Have you ever played one before?

LEO
Nope. This'll be my first.

LODGE
Okay, then.

LODGE nods and turns to MILES.

LODGE
About your paladin. I'd like you to play
a Paladin of Therin. It's a prestige class
I made up for the world.

MILES
Yeah, okay. If it fits the story.

LODGE
Cool. Therin's paladins get more spells
and a higher turn undead. However, if
you lose your powers, you bite it in a
big way.

MILES
How bad?
20

LODGE
For something small, like taking a dump
in church, you lose your spells until
you atone. For something big, like
spilling innocent blood, you're cursed,
and you age one year per hour until you
either redeem yourself or die.

MILES
Damn. I'll be good, I promise.

LODGE
Are you up to speed on the rules changes?

MILES
(brightening)
I am. I really like them. It's like the
designers were focusing more on story
than game mechanics.

CASS
Yeah, there's lots of other problems with
it, too.

LODGE
Cass, you're up.

CASS
I'm playing a monk.

LODGE frowns. CASS's expression is challenging.

JOANNA
A monk? What's he going to do, copy
manuscripts?

LEO
A monk is like a kung fu monk.

JOANNA
Oh. [BEAT] That doesn't seem to fit.

LODGE
It doesn't. I told you guys, there aren't
monks in this world.

21
CASS
And I reiterate, if you're going to play
by second edition rules, then I can play
any basic character class. Monk is a basic
character class.

LODGE
Monks don't fit in a fantasy campaign!

CASS
The game designers would disagree.

LODGE
Look, this game is set in a fantasized
western medieval period. There were no
kung fu monks in western Europe!

CASS
That's a weak argument. Second edition
draws on all types of fantasy.

LODGE
These monks are based on Buddhist monks,
who practice meditation and asceticism.
They don't fit in a world of knights and
cathedrals!

CASS
And why is that?

LODGE
Religions in this world is evangelical
and militant. There are no simply no
monasteries for that type of monk.

CASS
Well, then, make one up.

LODGE
I'm not going to. This is my world, and
I say there are no monks.

CASS
Then we are at an impasse.

LODGE
No, we're not. I just won the argument.
22

CASS
Incorrect. If Jo can play any character
she wants, then I can play any character
I want. I'm asking to play one of the
basic character classes, and you're
blocking me. Basically, you're breaking
the rules. I play a monk, or I don't play.

LODGE simmers for a moment behind his GM screen.

LODGE
I hate it when you do this. [BEAT] Fine,
you can play a monk, but he has to fit
the world? He's got to be a western
monk. You think you can do that?

CASS
Of course.

LODGE
Good. Is that all?

CASS
I'm also an elf.

LODGE
(angry)
What? No, you're not!

CASS
Oh, yes I am.

LODGE
This is an all human campaign! Elves don't
exist in this world!

CASS
And I reiterate, elves are one of the basic
player races.

LODGE jams his fingers in his ears.

LODGE
(singing)
I can't hear you! The adventure's starting!
La la la, adventure! Adventure!
23

16. INT. THRONE ROOM

The KING is sitting on the throne, his HERALD to one side.
In front of the throne stand DAPHNE (JOANNA) and FLYNN
(LEO). Beside them is LUSTER [F], a coquettishly beautiful
young woman with the same facial features and physical
dimensions as GARY.

LUSTER [F] is wearing a red saffron dress with a black
cowl. A crossbow hangs from one hip. DAPHNE is dressed in
blue silks and lamellar armor. She has a spear with a
tassel on the end. FLYNN is dressed in a doublet and hose
with a cloak around his shoulders. He has a mandolin slung
over his shoulder and a rapier at his waist.

LODGE (v.o.)
We begin in the throne room, where three
of you have answered a summons to an
audience with the king.

HERALD
I present Lady Daphne of the Swift Spear;
Luster the Wild, Sorceress; and Flynn
the Fair, traveling bard. His majesty,
the king!

KING
There is a great evil in our land. The
vile necromancer Mort Kemnon is raising
an army of the dead. Daily, his power
grows stronger. And it seems our goddess
has turned her back on us, for she
answers not our prayers.

GARY (v.o.)
Hurry up. I want to kill something.

LEO (v.o.)
Hey, can I seduce her now?

LODGE (v.o.)
In the middle of the throne room?

LEO (v.o.)
Why not? We've started.

24
LODGE (v.o.)
(warily)
Okay.

WE HEAR: dice roll

FLYNN gyrates his hips at LUSTER [F], who melts. They run
behind a tapestry and start copulating. DAPHNE hangs her
head in shame.

KING
Mort Kemnon has in his possession an
artifact that grants him control over
the dead, a cursed item known as the
Mask of Death. Destroy him and bring
the Mask to me, so that it may never
be used for evil again. I bid you good
luck, and Therin's speed.

The HIEROPHANT, a priest clad in robes decorated with the
Sunburst, enters. SILENCE (CASS) and OSRIC (MILES) flank
him on either side. SILENCE is dressed in the robes of a
Franciscan monk. His head is shaved, and he has a small
chain pendant of the Sunburst. OSRIC is wearing armor with
the Sunburst emblazoned on the breastplate. A sword hangs
from his waist. He has a shield slung over his shoulder.

HERALD
His Grace, the Grand Hierophant, Arch
Priest of Therin, Goddess of Light!

The HIEROPHANT bows to the KING.

HIEROPHANT
Majesty, might I speak to our heroes
before they depart?

KING
By all means, Father.

The HIEROPHANT turns to DAPHNE, then looks confused.

HIEROPHANT
I thought there were three.

KING
Her companions are fornicating behind
25
the tapestry.

HIEROPHANT
Ah. [BEAT] There are those who say that
Therin has abandoned us in this time of
darkness. Let me assure you, she watches
us always. But to guarantee your safety,
I shall send two heroes of my order to
accompany you. Sir Osric the Chaste ...

OSRIC bows to DAPHNE.

HIEROPHANT (cont.)
... and Silence, an unusually stubborn
monk who wouldn't play otherwise.

SILENCE glares at HIEROPHANT.

HIEROPHANT (cont.)
Step forward, child.

DAPHNE steps forward and kneels in front of HIEROPHANT.
HIEROPHANT takes a beautifully carved staff from the HERALD
and presents it to DAPHNE.

HIEROPHANT (cont.)
Take this Staff of Resurrection. If one
of you should fall in your quest, it
need not mean your end.

DAPHNE accepts the staff in wonder.

CASS (v.o.)
How many charges does it have?

LODGE (v.o.)
Six.

LUSTER [F] and FLYNN, slightly disheveled, return from
behind the tapestry.

KING
Go forth, noble heroes! And may the goddess
lead your way.


26
LODGE has the GAMERS' attention.

LODGE
When you set forth on your quest, the
first thing you notice is that the
city is extremely crowded. It's near
to bursting with a flood of refugees
fleeing the threat of Mort Kemnon.

18. EXT. TOWN GATE

PEASANTS are moving in through the town gate. A FARMER
starts hawking some sad looking vegetables to passersby.

LODGE (v.o.)
The gate is open, but unguarded. Aside
from yourselves, nobody is leaving the
protective walls of the town. There is
a peasant farmer selling vegetables
near the gate.



JOANNA
I want to talk to the farmer.

LEO
Why?

JOANNA
Well, if he's from out of town, maybe
he knows where the evil wizard is.

MILES
Good call.

CASS
He doesn't know.

MILES
How do you know?

CASS
He wouldn't know. He's a random NPC.

27
LEO
We've done this adventure twice before.
We know where to go.

MILES
We don't.

CASS
Last time, there was an adventure hook
in the mountains.

JOANNA
I still want to talk to him. It's what
my character would do.

20. EXT. TOWN GATE

SILENCE, LUSTER [F], and FLYNN are standing impatiently by
the gate. DAPHNE and OSRIC are with the FARMER.

OSRIC
How long have you been in town, stout
yeoman?

FARMER
Scarcely a day, my lord. The city is more
crowded than I had expected. I'd go back
to my farm if it weren't dangerous in
the countryside. There's goblins in those
mountains, and worse things beyond.

GARY (v.o.)
Boring!

CASS (v.o.)
If you could hurry it up, please?

LEO (v.o.)
The adventure's out there!

OSRIC
Have you heard anything strange in your
travels? Rumors of where this army of the
dead might be?

FARMER
(frightened)
28
Why would anyone want to know that?

DAPHNE
We are tasked by the king to destroy
Mort Kemnon.

The FARMER flinches at the name.

FARMER
Please, my lady, don't say that name!

SILENCE
Time is wasting. We should be gone.

FLYNN
Let's go! Come on.

DAPHNE
What do you know of him?

OSRIC
The more you tell us, the sooner we can
make it safe for you to return to your
land.

LUSTER [F] starts casting a spell in the background.

FARMER
Well, it may be nothing, but I've heard
from the refugees that things are not
right in Westhaven.

DAPHNE
Not right?

FARMER
They say the town's rotten. That it looks
fine, but there's something sinister
there. It could be ...

The FARMER bursts into flame, shrieking horribly. A giant
hand erupts from the earth, grabs the FARMER, and drags him
underground. LUSTER [F] morphs into LUSTER [M] (GARY, in
LUSTER [F]'s costume). LUSTER [M] dusts his hands.


29
LODGE, JOANNA, and MILES are staring in shock at GARY.

LODGE
What the hell did you just cast?

GARY
Flaming Hand of Fiery Doom.

JOANNA
On a farmer?

LODGE
You cast a fourth-level spell on a zero-
level peasant?

GARY
Yeah. So?

LODGE
That spell is for killing demons!

MILES
(unsure)
Is Osric morally obliged to kill him now?

LODGE
What the hell were you thinking?

GARY
I just wanna get on with the story!

JOANNA
How are we supposed to trust you now?
We've just met! And the first thing you
do, after boinking a stranger, is murder
a peasant because you were bored?

GARY
(defensively)
Hey, I'm chaotic neutral! I'm just playing
my alignment!

MILES
(more sure)
I think Osric is morally obliged to kill
him now.

30
LODGE
Nicely done, Gary. Nice.

The GAMERS fume for a moment.

GARY
So, how many XP do I get for the farmer?

LODGE glares at him.

22. EXT. CASTLE CITY

The HEROES stride out of the city gate. The road winds
across rolling plains.

LODGE (v.o.)
After clearing up the farmer incident,
you set out for Westhaven. However,
you have scarcely set foot outside
the gate when you are met by riders.

Three mounted PALADINS, wearing armor with the Sunburst,
ride up to the HEROES. They are led by the LORD HIGH
MARSHALL, who salutes OSRIC.

MARSHALL
Hail, Sir Osric!

OSRIC
Hail, Lord High Marshall!

LUSTER [M]
Look, if this is about that farmer, I
totally thought he was a demon.

MARSHALL ignores LUSTER [M].

MARSHALL
The Hierophant would see you before you
go farther. Follow us.

The PALADINS turn and trot away. The HEROES follow.


LODGE holds up a picture of a cathedral.

31
LODGE
The paladins lead you to the cathedral
and escort you to the inner sanctum,
where the Hierophant greets you.

LEO
Are there other clerics around?

LODGE
Dozens.

LEO
Any hot chicks?

LODGE
Yeah, I guess.

LEO
Cool. I seduce one.

LODGE
What? They're not ... you can't do that!
They've taken vows of celibacy!

LEO
Dude, I've got a plus twenty seduction!

LODGE
Gods have mercy.

24. INT. CATHEDRAL

The HIEROPHANT greets the HEROES. CLERICS line the carpet
on either side of the HEROES. HIEROPHANT is leaning on a
staff with a large amber gem, the Heart of Therin, on top.

WE HEAR: the Hymn to Therin on pipe organ

HIEROPHANT
The goddess thanks you for taking the
time to meet me ere you continue on
your quest.

DAPHNE
It is our honor, your Grace.

LUSTER [M]'s eyes latch on the HIEROPHANT's gem.
32

GARY (v.o.)
What is that?

LODGE (v.o.)
That's the Heart of Therin. Supposedly,
the gem on top is composed of solid,
condensed light. It's one of the symbols
of the church.

GARY (v.o.)
So I probably couldn't steal it, then?

LODGE (v.o.)
No, that'd be suicide.

FLYNN spots an attractive PRIESTESS and sidles next to her.

FLYNN
Hey, baby, wanna tune my mandolin?

WE HEAR: dice roll

PRIESTESS moans with desire. She and FLYNN grab hands, run
behind the altar, and start copulating.

DAPHNE
Please know that the horny bard does not
represent us.

OSRIC
Why have you sent for us, your Grace?

HIEROPHANT stops smiling. He motions to OSRIC.

HIEROPHANT
Walk with me, my son.

HIEROPHANT heads down a corridor. OSRIC follows. The others
try to follow, but PALADINS block their path.

25. INT. CATHEDRAL CORRIDOR

HIEROPHANT leads OSRIC down the corridor.

HIEROPHANT
I dare not speak my fears before those
33
not of our order.

OSRIC
What troubles you, Father?

HIEROPHANT
The King says the goddess has turned
away from us. I know that is not true.

OSRIC
That is good.

HIEROPHANT
Would that it were so.


LODGE and MILES are standing away from the table in the
same positions as HIEROPHANT and OSRIC. GARY, LEO, and CASS
are trying to hear.

LODGE
"There is a reason the goddess is not
answering our prayers. She is missing."

MILES
"Missing?"

LODGE
"We are cut off from her. I fear Mort
Kemnon has found some way to imprison
her spirit."

MILES
"How is this possible?"

LODGE
"I can only surmise that it is tied to
the Mask of Death. It is imperative
that you retrieve it."

MILES
(resolutely)
"We shall retrieve it and bring it to
the king!"

34
LODGE
"I fear we may not be able to trust him."

GARY
Why not?

LODGE turns towards GARY.

LODGE
(annoyed)
You're not even there.

27. INT. CATHEDRAL CORRIDOR

LUSTER [M] is standing roughly as far away as GARY was from
LODGE. OSRIC and HIEROPHANT stare at him.

LUSTER [M]
I'm not?

LODGE (v.o.)
No, you're not.

PALADINS grab LUSTER [M] and drag him out of the hall.

HIEROPHANT
Where were we?

OSRIC
Not trusting the King.

HIEROPHANT
Yes. I fear the king, or those close
to him, may have plans to use the Mask
of Death for their own dark purposes.
[BEAT] You must retrieve it, Sir Osric,
and bring it to the cathedral so it
may be destroyed.

OSRIC
Would that I could, Father, but I have
sworn a sacred vow to deliver the Mask
to the king. I am sure he will destroy
it, for the good of the kingdom.

HIEROPHANT
We can only hope.
35

28. EXT. FANTASY MONTAGE

The five HEROES walk purposefully through a variety of
different terrains. The land gradually grows steeper, and
snow speckles the ground.

LODGE (v.o.)
The Hierophant bids you farewell, and
you are finally on your way. You strike
out on the road to Westhaven, which lies
on the other side of the mountains. The
road winds higher through the foothills,
and after three days you reach the
foot of the pass.

29. EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAIL HEAD

Tall pines flank a trail between sheer slopes. Snow is
thick on the ground and the trees. Two signs are planted at
the trail head. The first reads: "Westhaven" and points
along the trail. The other reads: "Beware the Goblins" with
misspellings and backwards letters.

The HEROES hike to a stop before the signs.

LODGE (v.o.)
A sign at the head of the trail catches
your eye.

The HEROES survey the signs, eye each other, and bravely
stride into the woods.



LODGE (v.o.)
After a few hours of hiking, you stumble
upon a flat, wide clearing in the pass.
In the center, you see a goblin torture
tree. Hanging from it is a large gem.

GARY
A gem?

CASS
36
(patronizingly)
You know it's a trap.

GARY
Well, yeah, but goblins? No threat there.

LEO
Yeah, they do like zero damage.

GARY
I take the gem.

31. EXT. MOUNTAIN - CLEARING

Dark, snowy pines surround a flat, wide clearing. LUSTER
[M] takes a big red gem from a wooden torture device in the
center of the clearing. He shows it off to the others.

WE HEAR: dice roll
WE HEAR: shrieks and howls from the woods

GOBLINS, green-skinned humanoids dressed in furs, pour into
the clearing from behind the trees. They surround the
HEROES, who strike defensive poses. The GOBLINS taunt and
spit at them, leaping like apes. They brandish barbed
spears and black bows.

FLYNN confidently steps forward, mandolin in hand.

LEO (v.o.)
I'm gonna pacify them with bardic music.

FLYNN begins to play.

FLYNN
(singing)
Dear goblin friends,
Please hear my song ...

Dozens of arrows strike FLYNN in the chest. He collapses.


LODGE rolls dice.

LODGE
Yeah, you're dead.
37

LEO
What? Goblin arrows can't kill anybody!

LODGE
Fifty of them can.

MILES
How many goblins are there?

LODGE
They're beyond count.

LEO
I'm dead!

GARY
Dude, you so just got killed by goblins.

LODGE
Everybody roll inish.

Everyone but JOANNA rolls dice.

JOANNA
Inish?

CASS
Initiative.

JOANNA
Oh, right! To see who goes first.

JOANNA grabs a 20-sided die.

JOANNA (cont.)
I roll one of these dealies and add my
dexterity and intelligence bonuses.

CASS
No, you don't. You only add your dex bonus.

JOANNA
No, I get the intelligence bonus, too.
Isn't that what Keen Eye does?

38
LODGE
Keen Eye?

JOANNA checks her character sheet.

JOANNA
Yeah, I have it right here. Keen Eye means
I add my intelligence bonus to initiative
rolls.

LEO
No kidding?

JOANNA
Yeah. I wanted to be fast.

GARY
I should have taken that.

JOANNA rolls dice.

33. EXT. MOUNTAIN CLEARING

The GOBLINS charge the HEROES, then freeze in mid-charge.

LODGE (v.o.)
Okay, order: Joanna, Cass, Gary, goblins,
then Miles.

LEO (v.o.)
And me?

LODGE (v.o.)
You're dead.

JOANNA (v.o.)
Okay, I attack the nearest goblins.

WE HEAR: dice roll

DAPHNE smacks the nearest GOBLIN with her spear. The GOBLIN
collapses. JOANNA stands around expectantly.

JOANNA (v.o.)
Well?

LODGE (v.o.)
39
You get another attack.

JOANNA (v.o.)
I do? [BEAT] Right, I have First Strike.

LODGE (v.o.)
Yes. When you go first in battle and drop
an opponent with your first attack, you
get another attack.

JOANNA (v.o.)
Cool!

WE HEAR: dice roll

DAPHNE whacks and drops another GOBLIN.

JOANNA (v.o.)(cont.)
Critical hit! I get another attack.

MILES (v.o.)
Another?

DAPHNE skewers and drops another GOBLIN.


The male GAMERS are all looking at JOANNA in surprise.

JOANNA
I took Expanded Critical, Critical
Momentum, and Precise Strike. I add
my intelligence bonus to my crit range,
my dex bonus to my crit range, and I
get an extra attack whenever I land a
critical hit.

GARY
What's your critical range?

JOANNA
Thirteen to twenty.

GARY
Nice!

JOANNA rolls the dice.
40

JOANNA
Critical.
(rolls die)
Critical.
(rolls die)
Critical.


DAPHNE drops five more GOBLINS in quick succession. All of
the GOBLINS within five feet of her lie dead in the snow.

LODGE (v.o.)
Cass, your move.

SILENCE mule kicks a GOBLIN, who collapses. SILENCE looks
unpleased with his contribution after DAPHNE's attacks.

LODGE (v.o.)(cont.)
Gary?

GARY (v.o.)
Fireball!

LUSTER [M] starts casting a spell.

LODGE (v.o.)
Okay, that'll go off two rounds from now.
The goblins attack.

The GOBLINS attack SILENCE, OSRIC, and LUSTER [M], who take
superficial damage while defending themselves. Several
other GOBLINS surround DAPHNE.

LODGE (cont.)
Miles?

MILES
I'll heal Flynn with the Staff of
Resurrection.

WE HEAR: a cell phone ring

OSRIC answers his cell phone.

OSRIC
41
Hello?


MILES is holding a cell phone.

MILES
(apologetically)
It's the office. I'll be a minute.

MILES gets up from the table.

LODGE
Your action?

MILES
Oh, I toss the staff to him.


OSRIC tosses the Staff to SILENCE, then goes to the
perimeter of the clearing and talks on his cell phone.

LODGE (v.o.)
Second round. Joanna, go.

DAPHNE drops seven more GOBLINS with more elaborate
attacks. DAPHNE is enjoying herself.

LODGE (v.o.)(cont.)
Gary, you're casting. Cass, then goblins.

CASS (v.o.)
I resurrect Leo.

SILENCE touches FLYNN's body with the staff. FLYNN's body
glows with blue light

WE HEAR: angelic music

FLYNN slowly gets to his feet. Two dozen arrows immediately
hit him in the chest. He collapses, dead.

LEO (v.o.)
Damn it!

JOANNA (v.o.)
42
My turn!

DAPHNE kills the remaining GOBLINS with very elaborate
attacks, thoroughly enjoying herself. She looks around for
more, but there are none. SILENCE resurrects FLYNN.

WE HEAR: angelic music

GARY (v.o.)
Done!

LUSTER [M] accidentally hurls a magical fireball at FLYNN
and SILENCE, who are directly in the way.

LUSTER [M]
Crap! Move!

SILENCE rolls out of the way. The fireball hits FLYNN,
catapulting him across the clearing with a deafening
explosion. He's dead.

LUSTER [M], DAPHNE, and SILENCE survey the carnage. OSRIC
rejoins the group and puts his cell phone away. They all
look at FLYNN's corpse.

GARY (v.o.)
So, how many XP do I get for the bard?

The other HEROES stare at LUSTER [M], who shrugs.


The five HEROES stride purposefully through a variety of
different terrains.

LODGE
After the battle in Goblin's Pass, you
press further through the mountains.
The path slopes down, and the going is
easier, but it still takes you the
better part of a day. When you come
to the tiny village on the other side
of the mountains, it is night.

39. EXT. MUDHOLLOW - NIGHT

43
The HEROES tramp to the outskirts of a tiny village. A sign
reads: "Mudhollow".

LEO (v.o.)
Is this Westhaven?

LODGE (v.o.)
No. It's a town called ...

DAPHNE
(reading sign)
Mudhollow.

The HEROES trudge into the town.



LODGE
There's only one inn, and from the look
of the place, it hasn't had many visitors
recently.

41. INT. INN - NIGHT

A fire roars in the fireplace. The HEROES share a circular
table in the center of the common room. The other tables
are deserted. A BARMAID brings a tray of mugs of ale to the
table. OSRIC piously refuses a glass.

LEO (v.o.)
Is the barmaid hot?

WE HEAR: dice roll

The BARMAID turns around. She is beautiful.

LODGE (v.o.)(cont.)
Yeah, she is.

LEO (v.o.)
I'm gonna seduce her.

LODGE (v.o.)
Must you?

44
LEO (v.o.)
I'm gonna pump her for information.

WE HEAR: dice roll

FLYNN whispers in BARMAID's ear. FLYNN and BARMAID grab
hands and run upstairs. LUSTER [M] looks around and sees
another BARMAID.

GARY (v.o.)
I wanna seduce the other barmaid!

LUSTER [M]
(seductively)
Hey, beautiful. My spells require somatic
components.

LODGE (v.o.)
Dude, you're a chick.

GARY (v.o.)
Right. I knew that.

LUSTER [M] morphs into LUSTER [F].

LUSTER [F]
How embarrassing.

OSRIC
We must not draw attention to ourselves.

DAPHNE
Agreed. We should keep our presence muted.
We don't know who may be watching.

SILENCE
(sagely)
Indeed. For only in hiding one's identity
can one truly be known.

SILENCE nods knowingly. The others stare at him. The
INNKEEPER meekly approaches their table.

INNKEEPER
(feebly)
I am sorry, me old masters, but I'm afraid
there's no place for you here tonight.
45

SILENCE
Your inn in empty. There is plenty of room
for us.

INNKEEPER
(frightened)
Room is not the problem, Brother. The
truth is ...

MORT AGRIPPA
(interrupting)
The truth is, you're not welcome here.

INKEEPER
Mort Agrippa!

INNKEEPER scuttles away behind the bar. The HEROES slowly
turn towards the fireplace.

MORT AGRIPPA is sitting at a table by the fireplace. He was
not there before. AGRIPPA lowers his hood. His pupils are
white, and fine black tattoos crisscross his face.

AGRIPPA (cont.)
You are most certainly not welcome here.

LEO (v.o.)
I run down to the others!

LODGE (v.o.)
You're occupied, horn-dog.

The HEROES rise from their chairs, hands on weapons.

LUSTER [F]
And who might you be?

AGRIPPA
I am the new ruler of this town. And you
are trespassing in these lands.

OSRIC
These lands belong to the king!

AGRIPPA
These lands belong to my king.
46

SILENCE
Mort Kemnon.

AGRIPPA
Yes. And my king has uses for uninvited
guests. He conscripts them ... into his
army of the dead!

AGRIPPA leaps up. His chair and table fly aside, untouched.
The HEROES strike defensive stances.

AGRIPPA hurls a smoke grenade on the floor. Black smoke
billows out, obscuring vision. When the smoke clears, four
UNDEAD NINJAS stand with AGRIPPA.

AGRIPPA
Die!

The NINJAS leap towards the HEROES and attack. AGRIPPA
hurls a black bolt of magic at LUSTER [F]. It hits her,
wrapping her in black bands of energy. She can't move.

LODGE (v.o.)
Gary, you're held.

GARY (v.o.)
Crap!

OSRIC is struggling against a NINJA who is too fast for
him. SILENCE is matching two NINJAS move for move. DAPHNE
spears a NINJA, dropping him. AGRIPPA laughs insanely.

LODGE (v.o.)
Okay, Leo, you're in.

LEO (v.o.)
About time!

FLYNN appears at the top of the stairs. He's pulling his
pants up with one hand and has his mandolin in the other.

FLYNN
Fear not, companions! I have returned!

FLYNN reaches the bottom of the steps. He squares himself
and starts playing an upbeat tune on the mandolin. OSRIC,
47
who is fighting nearby, shouts incredulously to FLYNN
between blows.

OSRIC
Dash it all, man, help us!

FLYNN
I am!

FLYNN keeps playing the mandolin. A random thrown chair
smashes into FLYNN's head, dropping him.

CASS (v.o.)
Paralyzer!

SILENCE rabbit punches a NINJA in the ribs. That NINJA
freezes in place, unable to move.

OSRIC pushes a NINJA away, then points his sword at the
NINJA. OSRIC's Sunburst glows.

OSRIC
Turn!

The NINJA shrieks and melts, consumed by blue flame. LUSTER
[F] breaks free from her bonds. DAPHNE drops another NINJA.
SILENCE uses a table as a springboard to jump-kick the
frozen NINJA in the face, dropping him.

AGRIPPA begins chanting in a guttural language.

GARY (v.o.)
Counterspell!

LUSTER [F] waves her arms and chants. AGRIPPA points at the
HEROES, but nothing happens. AGRIPPA looks afraid. SILENCE
rolls up to him.

CASS (v.o.)
Another paralyzer!

SILENCE rabbit punches AGRIPPA, who freezes in place.
LUSTER [F] pushes AGRIPPA into a chair. OSRIC helps FLYNN
to his feet.

42. INT. GAMING ROOM

48
The GAMERS are on the edge of their seats.

LODGE
Mort Agrippa is paralyzed, and you don't
see any more ninjas.

CASS
(mocking)
Oh, monks you have a problem with, but
ninjas are okay?

LODGE
Yes. They're mysterious and otherworldly.
I wanted something the characters had
never seen before.

CASS
Like my monk.

LODGE
No. Unlike your monk, undead ninjas fit
this world. They make sense in ...

CASS
(interrupting)
Whatever, Kevin.

LEO
"Tell us where Mort Kemnon is!"

LODGE
"Do your worst. Kill me, if you dare. I
will never tell."

CASS
We'll have to torture him.

MILES
Whoa, now. Killing in defense is one
thing, but he's beaten. Torture is
dishonorable, and my character can't
allow that.

DAPHNE
Could you step out of the inn?

49
MILES
It's not that. Paladins can't knowingly
allow evil acts to take place. It's
their alignment.

GARY
Yeah, they're Lawful Stupid.

LEO
Then I'll distract the paladin. I'll
tell him there's another ninja outside
or something.

MILES
Oh, come on. Osric would never fall for
that.

LODGE
He might. Check your Cunning.

MILES rolls some dice.

MILES
Dang.

43. INT. INN NIGHT

AGRIPPA is tied to a chair. FLYNN points outside.

FLYNN
Sir Osric, look! There's an evildoer outside!

OSRIC
(enraged)
What?

OSRIC draws his sword and runs outside. The moment he's
gone, SILENCE horse-punches AGRIPPA.

44. EXT. INN NIGHT

WE HEAR: punching and kicking

OSRIC storms out of the inn, sword drawn. He's full of
righteous fire.

OSRIC
50
Show yourself, foul villain! Thou canst
not escape my justice! Come forward, so
that I may smite thee with my mighty
blade!


FLYNN is watching OSRIC through the window. DAPHNE is
holding her head in shame. SILENCE and LUSTER [M], who is
male again, are taking turns beating AGRIPPA.

OSRIC
Come forth, ignoble cur! The light of
Therin shall illuminate your evil!
[BEAT] I don't see anyone.

FLYNN
Keep looking!

LUSTER [M] grabs AGRIPPA's hand and slaps him with it.

LUSTER [M]
Why are you necromancing yourself?
Why are you necromancing yourself?

SILENCE breaks a chair over AGRIPPA's head.

46. EXT. INN - NIGHT

OSRIC paces angrily, peering into shadows. AGRIPPA's
beating is visible through the window.

OSRIC
The truth shall find thee, and descend
upon thy wickedness as an angel of
righteous fury!

OSRIC runs out of fire. He turns around and notices the
beating going on inside.

OSRIC (cont.)
They deceived me! This ends now!

OSRIC storms towards the inn.

WE HEAR: a cell phone ring

51
OSRIC (cont.)
(livid)
God damn it!
(answering)
Hello? No, you have to use the chooser!
Go to the file menu ...

OSRIC walks away. The beating continues.


AGRIPPA's face is swollen and bruised. SILENCE keeps
beating him creatively. AGRIPPA starts laughing. His laugh
echoes unnaturally.

AGRIPPA (v.o.)
Death is only the beginning.

AGRIPPA's body melts away, leaving only his gore-stained
robe. OSRIC enters and sees the pile of blood and sludge
where AGRIPPA used to be.

OSRIC
What happened in here?

LUSTER [M]
He accidentally beat himself to death.

OSRIC
Did he tell you where Mort Kemnon is?

LUSTER [M]
Not as such, no.

DAPHNE
Flynn, did the barmaid say anything?

FLYNN
She said "oh yes, oh yes, oh gods, yes."

DAPHNE
About Mort Kemnon, dumbass!


Fewer GAMERS are in the store. Things are winding down for
the night.
52

LODGE
According to the barmaid, the rumor mill
puts Mort Kemnon in Westhaven. To get
there, she says to take the east road
out of town.

LEO
All right. On to Westhaven.

LODGE
You decide to abandon the inn, and take
to the road. You put some good miles
between yourselves and the town, and
set camp just a few miles out of
Westhaven.

49. EXT. CAMPGROUND NIGHT

A fire burns in a stone circle. FLYNN is strumming on his
mandolin, SILENCE is practicing a kata, and OSRIC is
sharpening his sword. DAPHNE is retying the tassel at the
end of her spear. LUSTER [M] is sitting by the edge of the
firelight. He closes his book and sidles over to DAPHNE.

LUSTER [M]
You're unlike any woman I've ever met.

DAPHNE
How do you mean?

LUSTER [M]
So fast, so strong. A man could lose himself
in those eyes.

DAPHNE
May I remind you that you yourself are
a woman?

LUSTER [M] morphs back into LUSTER [F].

LUSTER [F]
Of course I'm a woman. [BEAT] Hey, would
you be interested in a little girl on
girl ...

DAPHE points her spear at LUSTER [F]'s throat.
53

DAPHNE
You really want to finish that thought?

LUSTER [F]
I'll take that as a no.

LUSTER [F] slinks to her bedroll and reopens the spellbook.

OSRIC
(to FLYNN)
Tell me, minstrel, what do you know of
this Mort Kemnon?

FLYNN
He is a servant of Death, an enemy of
light. That is all I can tell you.

DAPHNE
Surely, you must have heard something
more in your travels.

FLYNN
It seems that I would have, but I have
not. This Mort has kept his secrets
well hidden.

OSRIC
What do you know of the Mask of Death?

WE HEAR: dice roll

FLYNN
Now that I can tell you something about.
It was the mask worn by Death, the god
of oblivion, when the world was forged.
It is said that whoever wears the mask
becomes the living embodiment of the
god he serves, and can channel his
powers as his avatar.

DAPHNE
If that's true, then Mort Kemnon has
all the powers of Death at his command.
[BEAT] How could Therin have allowed
this?

54
OSRIC
(uncomfortably)
It may be beyond her control. [BEAT]
The Hierophant says that Therin is
missing.

FLYNN
Missing?

OSRIC
Trapped. How is this possible?

FLYNN
I have no idea.

WE HEAR: dice roll

FLYNN (cont.)
Actually, I do.

FLYNN reaches into his coat and pulls out a 3x5 index card.

FLYNN (cont.)
(reading)
Long ago, young Jack Lightfingers stole
beauty from the mermaids. The Lord of
the Sea was angry, and sent his waves
to drown Jack, but Jack was too clever.
He led the Sea King inland, stretching
out the waves, until too little water
was left to drown him. Then, Jack trapped
the God of the Sea in a prison of ice,
and ransomed him back to the merfolk.

GARY (v.o.)
Boring!

DAPHNE
That's an interesting story, but what
does it have to do with Therin?

FLYNN
I was getting to that. In all the tales
I've heard, the only way to trap a god
or goddess is in a prison of that god's
own element.

55
SILENCE
(sagely)
Individually, the four elements, like man
alone, are weak. But together, they form
the strong fifth element ... bromine.

Everyone stares at SILENCE, who tries to look wise.

OSRIC
I tire of talk. It will be morning soon.

DAPHNE
We'll need our rest if we're to find
Mort Kemnon.

LUSTER [F]'s head snaps up from her book. Her eyes have
white pupils, and fine black tattoos cover her face.

LUSTER [F]
(KEMNON's voice)
And what if I should find you first?

LUSTER [F] leaps up and hangs suspended above the ground.
She writhes like a demonic marionette. The HEROES spring
into defensive postures.

DAPHNE
Mort Kemnon?

LUSTER [F]
(KEMNON's voice)
You shall never retrieve the Mask of
Death!

OSRIC
I have sworn a sacred oath. I do not
fear you.

LUSTER [F]
(KEMNON's voice)
Then you are a greater fool than you
appear. Continue if you dare. I will not
turn you away. But know that your breath
is wasted in pursuit of me.

SILENCE
You sound afraid.
56

KEMNON laughs darkly through LUSTER [F].

LUSTER [F]
(KEMNON's voice)
Then come. You will serve in positions
of honor in my legions. Come, and die!

LUSTER [F] falls to the ground, exhausted. Her eyes and
face are normal. The others rush to help her up.

DISSOLVE TO


Everyone is asleep. The fire has burned to embers.

WE HEAR: the Hymn to Therin, very faint

FLYNN stirs and wakes. He sits up. He hears the hymn and
follows the sound out of the clearing. He stumbles through
the underbrush.

51. EXT. NIGHT SKY

FLYNN follows the Hymn into the night sky. Stars and
galaxies shine around him.

WE HEAR: the Hymn to Therin, stronger

FLYNN walks on, as if in a trance.

52. EXT. PALACE OF LIGHT

FLYNN steps onto a dark cloud. A tarnished golden castle
sits atop hills of decaying grain.

WE HEAR: the Hymn to Therin, in a minor key

FLYNN looks around in near panic.

THERIN (v.o.)
Remember.


57
FLYNN's wakes suddenly. The other HEROES are all asleep.
The fire has burned to embers. It was all a dream. FLYNN
shakes off his fear and goes back to sleep.

DISSOLVE TO

54. EXT. CAMPGROUND EARLY MORNING

The campfire is out. The HEROES are all asleep.

LODGE (v.o.)
After caring for Luster, you fall into a
deep and, aside from Flynn, dreamless
sleep. The rest of the night passes
uneventfully.


The store is empty except for the GAMERS. LODGE glances at
his watch.

LODGE
And I think we'll call it there for the
evening.

GARY
What? It's still early.

LODGE
It's two AM.

JOANNA
What?

JOANNA looks at the clock. It is 2:00. The GAMERS start
packing up their books and notes.

JOANNA (cont.)
Oh, my God. I had no idea it was so late.

CASS
See how it happens? You get so into it,
you can't help losing track of time.

MILES
That was a lot of fun.

58
LODGE
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

MILES
When do we get to play again?

GARY
Same time next week?

LEO
Can't do it here. We're having a tourney
next week. Place is booked solid.

GARY
Oh, yeah?

LEO
Yeah. Seven Kingdoms Storyline Tournament.

LODGE
We could use my apartment. I've got
plenty of space, if that's good for
everyone.

The other GAMERS voice their consent.

LODGE (cont.)
Good. You're gonna need your minis next
week, so bring them along.

56. EXT. GAMING STORE NIGHT

LEO locks up behind everyone.

LEO
"Sorry, Mr. Paladin, I thought the farmer
was a demon."

LEO and GARY laugh.

GARY
That was awesome.

LODGE notices JOANNA standing alone by the bus stop.
Everyone else has gone. LODGE approaches her.

LODGE
59
Need a ride?

JOANNA
That'd be great.

57. EXT. STREETS NIGHT

LODGE is driving his car, a rundown Civic. JOANNA is
sitting in the passenger seat.

JOANNA
So, Cass tells me you're a writer.

LODGE
Sort of. I don't write as often as I
should.

JOANNA
Why not? Story problems?

LODGE
No. I've got the story, I just don't
know how to write it.

JOANNA
Is that the story we're playing?

LODGE
Part of it. The world is much larger in
scope, though. This is just the tip of
the iceberg, but for the life of me, I
can't seem to get it down on paper. I'll
write one, maybe two chapters, and then
burn out revising them.

JOANNA
Sounds to me like you're trying too hard.

LODGE
How so?

JOANNA
We do a lot of workshops at the theater.
I can't tell you how many would-be
playwrites are so caught up in the
telling of the story that they forget
to write it.
60

LODGE
What do you mean?

JOANNA
I mean, just write! Don't worry about
finding your voice or emulating someone
else's style. It's the story that keeps
people interested as much as the telling.
And I can tell you from personal experience
that your story is compelling. Just write
it. You can always revise later.

LODGE muses on the advice. JOANNA points out the window.

JOANNA
Here's my stop.

58. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING NIGHT

LODGE's car is parked by a nondescript apartment building.
JOANNA gets out and closes the door.

JOANNA
See you next week!

JOANNA waves and heads inside. LODGE pulls away.

59. EXT. STREETS NIGHT

LODGE is driving, lost in thought.

LODGE
Just write.

60. INT. LODGE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

LODGE opens the door and turns on the light. He drops his
books on his coffee table.

61. INT. LODGE'S STUDY - NIGHT

LODGE drops into his chair and kills the screensaver. He
erases "dick" from the document on screen.

61
LODGE leans back and sighs. After a pause, he leans forward
and begins typing. The words flow out of him onto the
computer screen. He doesn't stop.

DISSOLVE TO

62. INT. THEATER

A TECH CREW, dressed in paint-splattered overalls, is
building a set on stage.

CAPTION: Sunday

JOANNA picks up a wooden pole roughly the same size as
DAPHNE's spear. She stops to examine it and gets inspired.

JOANNA strikes an offensive stance and whirls the pole
around like DAPHNE with her spear. The other members of the
TECH CREW watch. She feigns landing a death blow with a
yell. The TECH CREW applauds. JOANNA, embarrassed, bows.

63. INT. OFFICE

LODGE is sitting in a cubicle. He's wearing a shirt and
tie, and is busy typing on his computer.

CAPTION: Monday

An EXECUTIVE in a suit enters. LODGE quickly switches
documents on the computer before the EXECUTIVE can see.

EXECUTIVE
Hey, Kevin. How's that manual coming?

LODGE spins his chair around to face him.

LODGE
I'm working on it right now, Mr. Walsh.
I'll have it to Editing by the end of
the week.

EXECUTIVE
Good man. Keep it up.

LODGE
I will, boss.

62
EXECUTIVE leaves. LODGE spins back to his computer and
switches documents. Dungeon schematics appear on the
computer screen. LODGE continues working on his dungeon.

64. INT. COLLEGE CLASSROOM

A PROFESSOR is writing physics equations on the board.
STUDENTS in class are taking notes.

PROFESSOR
(boringly)
Two vectors, A and B, are situated in the
XY Cartesian point plane, separated by
angle "Phi." The cross product of A and B
is equal to the product of A and B times
the sine of angle "Phi" times the unit
vector N. This unit vector points in the
right hand direction, as we discussed in
last week's lecture.

CAPTION: Tuesday

GARY is drawing a detailed sketch of LUSTER [F] casting a
spell. He flips pages to a picture of LUSTER [F] in the
Marilyn Monroe over-the-air-vent pose. GARY smiles.

65. INT. MASSAGE PARLOR

A PATRON is lying face down on a massage mat in a health
spa. CASS, wearing a health spa uniform, is giving the
PATRON a massage.

CAPTION: Wednesday

CASS massages the PATRON's shoulders. Then he uses his
elbows. He leaps up on the table and uses a knee. He starts
shadowboxing like SILENCE. He stops massaging altogether
and performs a rapid kata. CASS loses his balance and falls
backwards off the table. The PATRON looks up.


LEO is sitting behind the counter of the gaming store.
Various GAMERS are shopping and playing games.

CAPTION: Thursday

63
LEO is reading books on dream interpretation. He's also
filling out three or four character sheets. He has a file
folder full of character sheets sitting next to him.

67. INT. CORNER OFFICE

An impatient MANAGER is watching MILES work on his
computer. MILES is dressed in a shirt and tie, and has a
half dozen pagers and cell phones attached to his belt.

CAPTION: Friday

MILES
I'm gonna have to take this down to IT.

MANAGER
Well, what's the freaking problem?

MILES
Your computer has about 800 viruses.

MANAGER
How'd those get there?

MILES
It might have something to do with all
those adult sites you visited.

MANAGER pales. MILES exits with the computer.

68. INT. OFFICE HALLWAY

MILES rounds the corner. The MANAGER runs after him.

MANAGER
On second thought, leave it with me.

MILES
Sorry, I've got to do a diagnostic.

MANAGER
I'll just buy a new one.

MILES
Sorry, company policy.

MANAGER
64
Give me back the computer!

MILES
I really can't do that.

MANAGER stops in the hallway. MILES keeps walking.

MANAGER
(threateningly)
I have friends in high places.

MILES stops. Slowly, he turns and glares at MANAGER.

MILES
Yeah? I've got an internet history here
chock full of porn sites.

MILES points one of his cell phones at MANAGER.

MILES (cont.)
Turn!

Confused and angry, but defeated, MANAGER turns and walks
back down the hall.

69. INT. OFFICE BUILDING

PIRATES clad in black are wandering around an extremely
symmetrical office building, brandishing their weapons and
muttering "Arr."

The elevator beeps. The PIRATES whirl to face it. The
elevator opens, but it is empty. A PIRATE enters and looks
up. The PURPLE NINJA drops down from the elevator ceiling
and kicks the PIRATE, knocking him into his fellows. PURPLE
NINJA runs past the PIRATES, who curse and get to their
feet to chase him.

In the background, on an upper floor, the ORANGE NINJA runs
past carrying several pizza boxes. PIRATES are chasing him
as well.

PURPLE NINJA runs to a corner where a pizza box is waiting
on a pedestal. He grabs it and stops to fight some PIRATES.

ORANGE NINJA gets surrounded by PIRATES. He throws his
pizza boxes in the air and attacks, kicking the PIRATES
65
everywhere with a flurry of blows. When the last PIRATE
falls, the ORANGE NINJA catches the pizza boxes and runs to
an office.

PURPLE NINJA collects three other pizza boxes from similar
pedestals, avoiding PIRATES and fighting them when
necessary. He runs up the stairs to the second level.

ORANGE NINJA throws open the door to an office. A CUSTOMER
is waiting inside. ORANGE NINJA presents one of the pizza
boxes to the CUSTOMER.

CUSTOMER
Thank you!

ORANGE NINJA slams the door, and turns to face PURPLE
NINJA. The NINJAS eye each other warily and put the pizza
boxes aside. ORANGE NINJA whips out a pizza breadboard with
a flourish. PURPLE NINJA whips out two round pizza slicers
and whirls them dangerously about. The NINJAS eye each
other again, then attack each other in a flurry of motion.

Their combat is intricate and beautiful, flowing like
water. Occasionally, PIRATES attack them from behind, and
the NINJAS stop fighting each other long enough to knock
the PIRATES away.

Finally, PURPLE NINJA knocks down ORANGE NINJA. PURPLE
NINJA grabs all the pizza boxes and flips over the line of
PIRATES. ORANGE NINJA springs to his feet to find himself
surrounded. The PIRATES slowly close in.

70. INT. LODGE'S APARTMENT

LODGE and MILES are sitting around a table in LODGE's
living room. They are playing "Pizzajitsu," a bizarre board
game. The board represents the office building. There is an
orange ninja figurine surrounded by black pirate figurines.
A purple ninja figurine is elsewhere on the board, as are
several pizza tokens.

MILES is staring at the surrounded orange ninja, which is
directly in front of him on the board.

MILES
(perplexed)
What is the purpose of this game again?
66

LODGE
To deliver ten pizzas before the other
ninja.

MILES
Right, that I can deal with. But what's
with all the pirates?

LODGE
Everything's better with pirates.

WE HEAR: a knock at the door

LODGE (cont.)
Oh, they're here.

MILES
(relieved)
Not a moment too soon.

LODGE answers the door. The other four GAMERS are standing
outside. LODGE welcomes them in.

CAPTION: Saturday!

The GAMERS are carrying books and character sheets. LODGE
leads them into the living room to the table. LODGE clears
the board game away as the others sit. GUEN approaches and
meows for attention.

JOANNA
Oh, what a pretty kitty! Hello, kitty!

LODGE
This is Guen. You want to hold him?

JOANNA
I wish I could. I'm allergic.

LODGE
Oh. Is that going to be a problem?

JOANNA
Have you vacuumed recently?

67
LODGE
(lying)
Yes.

JOANNA
I'll be fine, then.

LEO pulls LODGE aside. The others sit.

LEO
Hey, Lodge, I was wondering if I could
bring in a new character. Another bard.

LODGE
What's wrong with Flynn?

LEO
I permanently lose a point of Stamina
each time I get resurrected. My Stamina's
down to eight. Eight! If he keeps dying,
it'll almost not be worth playing him.

LODGE
Good point. Sure, If you die again, you
can bring in a new guy.

LEO sits down. GARY lines up a stack of miniatures on the
table. GUEN jumps on the table and sniffs the miniatures.

GARY
No, no, Mr. Kitty. Those aren't for you.

GARY puts GUEN on the floor. GUEN protests. LODGE sits.

LODGE
Okay, where'd we leave off?

CASS
We camped a few miles out of Westhaven.

LODGE
Right. Gary, you've re-memorized all
your spells, and everyone's healed a
number of hit points equal to their
Stamina modifier plus one.

CASS
68
Yeah, we know.

JOANNA and MILES adjust their character sheets.

LODGE
Everyone make a Cunning check.

The GAMERS all roll dice.

LODGE
If you succeeded, you're woken up to a
scraping sound.

71. EXT. CAMPSITE EARLY MORNING

The campfire is out. The HEROES are asleep under their
blankets. A disheveled PEASANT is searching their bags.

LODGE (v.o.)
A scruffy peasant is rummaging through
your bags, eating whatever food he can
find. He's dressed in rags.

GARY (v.o.)
I waste him with my crossbow!

LUSTER [F] aims her crossbow at the PEASANT and fires.
DAPHNE leaps up and knocks the quarrel away. The PEASANT
tries to run for the forest, but DAPHNE grabs him by his
collar and holds him. The other HEROES get up.

SILENCE
This man has stolen from us. He must be
punished.

OSRIC
Surely you can see this man is starving.
Daphne, release him.

DAPHNE lets go of the PEASANT, who collapses in fear.

PEASANT
Mercy! Mercy, my good sirs!

LUSTER [F]
I'm a lady, you fool!

69
GARY (v.o.)
I waste him with my crossbow!

LUSTER [F] takes aims her crossbow at the PEASANT. OSRIC
pushes it down.

MILES (v.o.)
What do you have against peasants?

PEASANT
Please, don't hurt me! Mercy!

LEO (v.o.)
I'll try to calm him.

FLYNN plays his mandolin. The music transfixes the PEASANT.

FLYNN
(singing)
Shut up, dear peasant.
Rest your head,
Or I'll let the sorceress
Kill your ass dead.

WE HEAR: dice roll

The PEASANT is no longer panicked.

OSRIC
Rise, sirrah. You have nothing to fear
from us.

The PEASANT stands and bows to the HEROES.

PEASANT
Forgive me, masters. I haven't eaten in
days.

DAPHNE
Then let us feed you.
(to FLYNN)
Bard! Fetch some firewood.

FLYNN nods and heads into the forest.

DAPHNE (cont.)
What is your name, peasant?
70

LODGE (v.o.)
Crap, I didn't give him one. I guess I'll
call him ...

PEASANT
Willem, my lady. I live in Westhaven. Or
at least I did, until ...

DAPHNE
Until what?

PEASANT
The city's in ruins. Mort Kemnon's priests
have killed the others and raised them
for the army of the dead. As far as I
know, I'm the only one left.

OSRIC
Do you know where Mort Kemnon is?

PEASANT
No, my lord, I do not. [BEAT] But the
Fiend might know.

OSRIC
The Fiend?

PEASANT
Mort Kemnon's general. He led the purges.
I'd rather not speak of it. If anyone,
if any-thing knows where that dark master
is, the Fiend would.

OSRIC
Where could we find him?

PEASANT
In the courtyard of the castle. That's
all I can tell you.

OSRIC
Will you lead us there?

PEASANT
No, my lord. I won't go back there.

71
OSRIC
Then let us clothe and feed you, that
you might be safely on your way.

CASS (v.o.)
Okay, hang on.


Everyone is looking at CASS.

CASS
We don't have enough provisions to feed
a nameless NPC.

JOANNA
He's not nameless! His name's Willem.

CASS
Look, we got the information we need.
Just leave him.

MILES
My character is morally compelled to help
him. Osric cannot knowingly allow him to
continue suffering.

CASS
And I can't allow you to deplete our
resources because you want to feel
noble.

MILES
(annoyed)
I'm just playing his alignment!

CASS
(to JOANNA)
What do you want to help him for? The
paladin at least has an excuse.

JOANNA
It's what my character would do.

GARY starts whispering to CASS. CASS nods to GARY.

CASS
72
Okay. Let's role play through this.

LODGE
Excellent.

GARY passes a note to LODGE. LODGE reads it and frowns.

73. EXT. CAMPSITE

SILENCE approaches OSRIC and DAPHNE.

SILENCE
Sir Osric, a word.

OSRIC
Of course, Brother Silence.

SILENCE leads OSRIC away, turning him so his back is to
LUSTER [F] and the PEASANT. DAPHNE follows.

SILENCE
I am in a moral quandary. Say I have
two sons, one strong and hale, the other
sickly and meek. Both wish for schooling,
and while I love them equally, I can
only afford education for one. Whom do
I choose?

In the background, LUSTER [F] starts casting.

OSRIC
(thoughtfully)
I am tempted to say the healthier of
your sons, for a stronger boy could go
farther with such schooling. However,
he may also go farther without it. The
frail son, who is weak in body, might
find he is stronger in mind, so I would
consider ...

The PEASANT bursts into flame, shrieking horribly. DAPHNE
and OSRIC spin around. A giant hand erupts from the earth,
grabs the PEASANT, and drags him underground.

LUSTER [F] dusts her hands. OSRIC storms towards her.

MILES (v.o.)
73
That's it! You're not getting away with
that again!

OSRIC draws his sword. LUSTER [F] cowers beneath him.

OSRIC
I smite thee, evildoer!

CASS (v.o.)
Paralyzer!

SILENCE punches OSRIC in the ribs. OSRIC freezes, sword
poised above his head. LUSTER [F] scrambles away from him.

LUSTER [F]
How long until he moves?

SILENCE
Twenty, maybe thirty seconds.

LUSTER [F]
Excellent.

GARY (v.o.)
I cast Amnesia on Osric.

LUSTER [F] casts a spell on OSRIC. OSRIC's rage melts into
confusion. He stares off into space.

LODGE (v.o.)
Okay, Osric has no memory of the last
two minutes.

MILES (v.o.)
(sarcastically)
Nice dodge, Gary.

FLYNN comes back into the clearing, his arms full of wood.
He walks directly in the path of OSRIC's sword.

FLYNN
I've got the firewood!

LODGE (v.o.)
And you can move again.

74
OSRIC follows through with the sword swing, killing FLYNN.
The bard collapses.

OSRIC
Crap. [BEAT] I have some atoning to do.

OSRIC strides out of the clearing.



LODGE
After Osric finishes purifying himself,
you enter Westhaven. The town lies in
ruins, the buildings burned to the
foundations. Standing out in the rubble
is the castle, bleached white as a skull
amidst the ashes.

JOANNA
Nice imagery.

LODGE
Thank you. Your skin crawls the nearer
you come to the castle.

GARY
Detect Evil?

LODGE rolls dice.

LODGE
Chaotic Evil, centered in the courtyard.

CASS
I'll investigate. I've got the best Sneak
skill.

GARY
Mine's good. I'll go, too.

75. EXT. CASTLE GATE

The castle gate is open. The land around it is burned and
blasted. The HEROES stand to one side of the entrance.
SILENCE and LUSTER [F] sneak inside.
75

76. INT. CASTLE CORRIDOR

The hallway is unlit and empty. SILENCE and LUSTER [M] edge
their way down the corridor.

77. EXT. COURTYARD

The courtyard is a grassy open space in the center of the
castle. Dozens of corpses lie strewn about. DRAZUUL, a
giant demon, stands in the center of the corpses.

SILENCE and LUSTER [F] sneak to the edge of the courtyard.
They see DRAZUUL and stop short.

SILENCE
What the hell is that?

LUSTER [F]
(panicking)
Quiet!

SILENCE
I'm talking out of character.

CASS (v.o.)
What the hell is that?

WE HEAR: dice roll

LODGE (v.o.)(cont.)
You recognize it from your training in
the non-existent occidental Buddhist
monastery. It's a Death Demon, one
of Death's personal attendants. And he's
looking your way.

DRAZUUL slowly turns towards SILENCE and LUSTER [M]. They
are frozen in place.

GARY (v.o.)
I run for it.

LODGE (v.o.)
You're frozen in place.

CASS (v.o.)
76
(angrily)
Do I get a save?

LODGE (v.o.)
Not this time, no.

DRAZUUL smiles wickedly and beckons them forwards.

DRAZUUL
Come. Come to Drazuul.

SILENCE and LUSTER [F] stagger towards DRAZUUL.


CASS is irate. LODGE turns to JOANNA, MILES, and LEO.

LODGE
You three begin to sense ...

CASS
(interrupting)
Why don't I get a save?

LODGE
It's a Death Demon. Its fear aura is too
strong. You can't roll a successful save.

CASS
Incorrect.

LODGE
(sighing)
What's you Will save?

CASS
Plus seven.

LODGE
The target number to resist his fear is
30. You would have to roll a 23 on a
20-sided die to succeed. I'm no math
major, but that's impossible, isn't it?

CASS
(pedantically)
A natural 20 is an automatic success, no
77
matter the circumstances.

LODGE
Yeah, and you've got a five percent chance
of rolling a twenty.

CASS
Do I at least get that roll? I mean, since
it is in the rules? Is that okay with you,
that we play by the rules?

LODGE's wave says "go ahead." Supremely satisfied, CASS
rolls the die. He rolls a 1.

LODGE
(amused)
Oh, a fumble! So now you're completely
compelled, and I play your character
until you snap out of it. Since we're
playing by the rules, I know you don't
mind.

CASS sullenly gives LODGE his character sheet.

LEO
You lost that case, rules lawyer.

CASS
Oh, shut up.

79. EXT. COURTYARD

LODGE (SILENCE [L]) is dressed as SILENCE, and has taken
his place. SILENCE [L] and LUSTER [F] stagger towards
DRAZUUL. LUSTER [L] shows terror, but SILENCE [L] shows
only mindless calm.

DRAZUUL
Kneel, slaves.

SILENCE [L]
(happily)
Yes, my master.

SILENCE [L] and LUSTER [F] kneel.

CASS (v.o.)
78
I would never say that.

LODGE (v.o.)
Please, let me play my character.

DRAZUUL strokes LUSTER [F]'s chin. He shudders.

DRAZUUL
My lady, you tempt me. Like the evil in
your heart, your beauty is unsurpassed.

LUSTER [F]
I'm not evil. I'm chaotic neutral.

DRAZUUL
Too long have I been a bachelor. You shall
be my new bride and concubine!

LUSTER [F]
(condescendingly)
I hate to be the one to point this out
to you but I'm not ...

LUSTER [F] looks at herself and sees that she's female.

LUSTER [F](cont.)
Oh, right. I am.
(panicking)
Oh, crap! I'm a woman?

DRAZUUL
My dear, what is a wedding without guests?
Rise, slaves!

The corpses rise as ZOMBIES. DRAZUUL laughs.

DRAZUUL (cont.)
Kiss me, my darling.

LUSTER [F] walks jerkily towards DRAZUUL's embrace.

80. EXT. CASTLE GATE

FLYNN, DAPHNE, and OSRIC are waiting expectantly.

LODGE (v.o.)
You three sense that something is wrong.
79

FLYNN
Something is wrong.

OSRIC draws his sword.

OSRIC
Stay behind me. I shall protect you.

They enter the castle.

81. EXT. COURTYARD

SILENCE [L] is sitting in the lotus position beside
DRAZUUL. The ZOMBIES are standing in semi-arranged rows.
LUSTER [F] is staggering towards DRAZUUL.

FLYNN, OSRIC, and DAPHNE enter and stop short. DAPHNE
screws up her face and sneezes. DRAZUUL hears and turns
towards them.

DAPHNE
Hey, that sneeze was out of character!

SILENCE [L] points towards the other HEROES.

SILENCE [L]
Master! More slaves for the lust pits!

OSRIC points his sword at DRAZUUL.

OSRIC
You, Hellborn!

DRAZUUL looks at OSRIC. LUSTER [F] stops moving. OSRIC's
cell phone rings. OSRIC answers, his eyes on DRAZUUL.

OSRIC (cont.)
Can I call you right back? We're fighting
a demon.

OSRIC hangs up. His Sunburst glows.

OSRIC (cont.)
Turn!

WE HEAR: sizzling
80

OSRIC screams and drops his sword. His hand is burnt.
DRAZUUL laughs.

DAPHNE
He's too strong to turn!

OSRIC
Luster, come away!

DAPHNE
She can't! She's compelled.

FLYNN
I will save her!

LEO (v.o.)
I play a counter-song!

FLYNN plays a beautiful melody on the mandolin. DRAZUUL
looks confused.

WE HEAR: dice roll

LUSTER [F] snaps out of the spell. She kicks DRAZUUL in the
crotch. DRAZUUL bellows in rage and clutches his groin,
falling to his knees. LUSTER [F] runs to her companions.

DRAZUUL bellows and belches a stream of acid at FLYNN,
melting him into a puddle of goo.

DAPHNE
Yeah, he's pissed.

DRAZUUL
Kill them!

SILENCE [L] and the ZOMBIES march towards the HEROES.


LEO puts a folder full of character sheets on the table.

JOANNA
Can we resurrect Flynn?

81
LODGE
There's really nothing to resurrect.

83. EXT. COURTYARD

DAPHNE pokes the Staff of Resurrection into the pile of
bard goo a few times. Nothing happens.


LEO opens his folder of character sheets.

LEO
No problem. Could I bring in another
character now?

LODGE
Sure.

LEO slaps one of the character sheets on the table.

CASS
(bitterly)
It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.

JOANNA
That's a bit of a defeatist attitude.

CASS
Okay, then maybe you can explain how
we're going to beat an undead demon
after our wizard wasted his demon-
frying spell to torch a peasant.

GARY
(defensively)
You thought that was a good idea a few
minutes ago!

MILES
How long would it take to memorize the
spell again?

CASS
For a fourth level spell? Forty minutes,
and that's with no distractions.

82
GARY has an epiphany. He points at Lodge.

GARY
I cast Power Recall!

MILES
What's that do?

GARY
At the cost of two spell slots, I can
re-memorize any spell I've cast in
one-eighth the time!

LODGE
That's assuming you can concentrate.

GARY
Well, protect me.

85. EXT. COURTYARD

LUSTER [F] sits in the entrance way, studying her
spellbook. DAPHNE and OSRIC protect her. FLYNN II, a bard
with a different colored cloak, runs in from the side and
joins them.

SILENCE [L] and DAPHNE square off. The ZOMBIES press in.
FLYNN and OSRIC fight them off. DAPHNE hits SILENCE [L] in
the head with the butt of her spear, dropping him.

MILES (v.o.)
I lay hands on Silence!

OSRIC kneels by SILENCE [L] and lays his hands on him.
OSRIC's hands glow.


SILENCE [L] becomes SILENCE. SILENCE's eyes snap open. He
leaps to his feet and joins his companions.

LUSTER [F]
Could you keep it down? I can't
concentrate!

FLYNN II
My music will help.
83

FLYNN II stands beside LUSTER [F] and plays the mandolin.
LUSTER [F] studies more easily. A ZOMBIE comes up behind
FLYNN II and bites him in the head, killing him. The ZOMBIE
then moves towards LUSTER [F]. LUSTER [F] shoots it without
looking up.


LEO whips out another character sheet and slaps it on the
table. LODGE raises an eyebrow.

87. EXT. COURTYARD

FLYNN III, wearing a different colored cloak, runs in to
join the others, sword drawn. Two ZOMBIES overcome and kill
him as the others fight on.


LEO slaps down another character sheet.

LEO
I can do this all night!

LODGE
How many of those have you got?

LEO
Fifty!

89. EXT. COURTYARD

DAPHNE kills as many ZOMBIES as OSRIC and SILENCE combined,
but whenever the number of ZOMBIES drops, DRAZUUL raises
them all from the dead. DRAZUUL never moves, and LUSTER [F]
never looks up from her studying. Each version of FLYNN to
enter is wearing a slightly different costume. FLYNN IV
runs into the battle, sword drawn.

FLYNN IV
Never fear, Flynn is ...

FLYNN IV is killed. FLYNN V runs in from another direction.

FLYNN V
Quiver in fear, for I have ...
84

FLYNN V is killed. FLYNN VI runs in from another direction.

FLYNN VI
Evildoers, prepare to die!

FLYNN VI is killed. FLYNN VII swings into battle on a
convenient rope.

FLYNN VII
Avast, ye ...

FLYNN VII is killed. FLYNN VIII runs into battle.

FLYNN VIII
I'm gonna die!

FLYNN VIII is killed. FLYNN IX runs into battle.

FLYNN IX
Bards suck!

FLYNN IX is killed. FLYNN X runs in from another direction.

FLYNN X
Three ... two ... one ...

FLYNN X is killed. FLYNN XI runs in from another direction.

FLYNN XI
(singing 1812 overature)
Ba da da da da da da da da da ...

FLYNN XI is killed. FLYNN XII runs into battle.

FLYNN XII
All your base are belong to us!

FLYNN XII is killed. FLYNN XIII runs into the battle from
another direction, swinging two swords wildly.

FLYNN XIII
There are 37 more of us, assholes!


85
GARY whispers to CASS. CASS gives GARY a character sheet
from his notes. GARY slips the character sheet into LEO's
folder of characters. LEO whips out that character sheet
and slams it onto the table.

91. EXT. COURTYARD

BROADSWORD CHICK (LEO) runs in, brandishing a broadsword.
He's wearing bikini mail and boots, and has long flowing
hair. He charges towards the ZOMBIES, then stops and looks
at himself.

BROADSWORD CHICK
What the ...? This isn't one of mine!

BROADSWORD CHICK is killed by ZOMBIES.

DAPHNE drops the ZOMBIES around her and looks towards
DRAZUUL. The demon hasn't moved.

JOANNA (v.o.)
Has Drazuul moved at all?

LODGE (v.o.)
No, he hasn't. Roll a Spot check.

WE HEAR: dice roll

DAPHNE notices a chalk pentagram on the ground surrounding
DRAZUUL. DAPHNE points.

DAPHNE
The demon is trapped in that pentagram!

FLYNN XIV
That's why he hasn't attacked!

FLYNN XIV is killed by ZOMBIES.

OSRIC
How much more time?

LUSTER [F]
Don't distract me! I'm almost done.

FLYNN XV
Thank the gods!
86

FLYNN XV is killed by ZOMBIES.

LODGE (v.o.)
Luster has finished re-memorizing her
spell.

LUSTER [F] slams her book shut and stands.

LUSTER [F]
(to DRAZUUL)
Oh, darling! Prepare to receive the Flaming
Hand of Fiery Doom!

DRAZUUL fires a bolt of lightning at the party, killing
FLYNN XVI. The HEROES scatter.


LEO slaps another character sheet on the table.

CASS
Okay, it's time to run. We can't stand
against that lightning.

MILES
What about the spell?

GARY
I need a few rounds to cast it. I'd need
a barricade or something.

LEO
(inspired)
Hide behind the mound of dead bards!

93. EXT. COURTYARD

LUSTER [F], SILENCE, OSRIC, and DAPHNE dive behind a mound
of dead bards, narrowly dodging another lightning bolt.

GARY (v.o.)
I have to stand to cast. I'll be a sitting
duck.

LEO (v.o.)
I got your back.
87

FLYNN XVII cracks his knuckles and nods resolutely. Then
he's killed by ZOMBIES. LUSTER [F] stands to face DRAZUUL.
She begins casting.

DRAZUUL fires a lightning bolt at LUSTER [F]. FLYNN XVIII
leaps in the way, getting incinerated. DRAZUUL fires
another bolt of lightning. FLYNN XIX leaps in the way,
getting incinerated. DRAZUUL fires bolts from both hands,
both eyes, and his mouth. FLYNN XX-XV leap in the way, all
getting incinerated.

LUSTER [F] finishes her spell. DRAZUUL freezes in place and
turns blue. The ZOMBIES shudder and drop dead.

CASS (v.o.)
I thought you were casting Hand of Doom.

GARY (v.o.)
He was expecting that. I cast Hold
Beast instead so we can question him.

LODGE (v.o.)
Well done, Gary.

LUSTER [F]
Where is your master?

DRAZUUL laughs. LUSTER [F] holds up a water skin.

LUSTER [F](cont.)
Sir Osric, would you bless this water?

OSRIC lays his hands on the water skin. His hands glow.


LUSTER [F](cont.)
This flask is now full of holy water.
Tell us where your master is, or I'll
give you a bath.

DRAZUUL
Your threat is empty. A paladin cannot
stand by while torture takes place.

OSRIC looks at the courtyard walls.
88

OSRIC
My, what interesting walls! I think I
will examine them.

OSRIC walks off. DRAZUUL is scared. LUSTER [F] empties the
holy water on DRAZUUL's head.

WE HEAR: inappropriately horrible shrieking and sizzling

The HEROES react disgustedly to the howling demon.

LUSTER [F]
I can always have the paladin bless more
water. Didn't we pass a lake on the way
here?

DRAZUUL
The mines! You will find the entrance in
the mines!

LUSTER [F]
And how do we defeat him?

DRAZUUL
The book! His power is in the book. But
his is not the power to fear!

LUSTER [F]
Be gone, then.

DRAZUUL shrieks and vanishes. The pentagram bursts into
flame and quickly dies down.


The HEROES slink cautiously through various terrains, each
of which is progressively harsher and darker. The sequence
ends with the HEROES outside the entrance to an old mine.

LODGE (v.o.)
Cautiously, you explore the outer reaches
of town. Shortly, you find the entrance
to the catacombs that Drazuul told you
about.

The HEROES stride purposefully into the mines.
89


LODGE builds a model dungeon on the table out of miniature
dungeon blocks. The model ends with the great hall.

LODGE
The initial hallway leads down a flight
of stairs, deep into the darkness. The
temperature drops noticeably, and as
you press on, even the flames of your
torches seem to shy away from the dark.
At the bottom of the stairs, you find
yourselves in a great hall.

LODGE pulls out a bag of miniatures.

LODGE
You're going to need miniatures for this
one. Mark your spots at the entrance.

The GAMERS, minus JOANNA, take out tiny pewter figurines
that represent their characters. GUEN curiously watches
from an end table.

JOANNA
I don't have any miniatures.

LEO
You can use one of mine.

LEO pulls out a mini from a bag and hands it to JOANNA.

LEO (cont.)
This is the only female I've got.

JOANNA's mini is a well-endowed barbarian woman wearing
bikini mail and swinging a broadsword. She's naked but for
the armor and a pair of boots. JOANNA looks at LEO wryly.

LEO (cont.)
Sorry.

JOANNA places her piece on the dungeon model.

DISSOLVE TO

90
96. INT. DUNGEON GREAT HALL

The HEROES are standing in exactly the same positions and
poses as their miniatures.

The great hall is large and wide, with decaying tables and
tapestries. Gargoyles leer out from the darkness. There is
a door in an oversized fireplace, six feet tall.

FLYNN
I do not like this room.

OSRIC
Take strength in our unity, bard.

FLYNN
(annoyed)
My name is not "bard." I am Flynn XLV.
My ancestors died on the battlefield
six minutes ago.

DAPHNE
We must take this door. It is the only
passage.

The others nod to DAPHNE, do a double take, and openly
stare at her.

DAPHNE (cont.)
What? What are you looking at?

OTHER HEROES
(ad libbing)
What? Oh, nothing. Nice boots.

DAPHNE looks down at herself. She is wearing bikini mail,
and is holding a broadsword. Her breasts are much larger.
Her face reddens in embarrassment.

LUSTER [F]
Hoo, mama.

LUSTER [F] morphs into LUSTER [M]. He and the other HEROES
stare openly at DAPHNE's chest.

DAPHNE
(angry)
91
This is not what I look like! This is
just the miniature!

FLYNN
Those are many things, dear lady, but
miniature they most certainly are not.

DAPHNE looks at her chest, flinches, and covers herself.
Then she screws up her face and sneezes.

LUSTER [M]
Careful. That top could come right off.

The other HEROES snicker.

DAPHNE
Turn around!

The other HEROES reluctantly turn around.

DAPHNE (cont.)
Thank you.
(to the ceiling)
And I believe I had a spear!

DAPHNE's broadsword becomes a spear.

DAPHNE
That's more like it. Come on, march.

The HEROES set off through the dungeon.

97. INT. DUNGEON - CORRIDOR

Vermin scurry about a dark dungeon corridor. Debris and
cobwebs line the walls. The HEROES turn the corner,
carrying torches.

At the end of the corridor is a large door. DAPHNE reaches
for it. LUSTER [M] catches her arm and points to cryptic
runes on the door. DAPHNE sees the runes and yanks her arm
away from the door.

OSRIC grips his Sunburst and chants softly. The Sunburst
begins to glow. The runes on the door burst into flame,
then die out.

92
WE HEAR: a locking mechanism unlocking


Half of the room is natural cavern. The other half is brick
and mortar. The hole TURK knocked through the manmade wall
is still there. WODNICK is standing beside the collapsed
wall next to his treasure chest.

The HEROES enter and see WODNICK. SILENCE, FLYNN, and
LUSTER [M] are stunned.

GARY (v.o.)
No way. Is that ...

LUSTER [M]
Wodnick? You're still here?

WODNICK looks at LUSTER [M] and the others.

WODNICK
Who are you?


MILES looks to LEO and GARY.

MILES
Wodnick? Who's Wodnick?

LEO
He's our henchman from the first campaign.

MILES
Really? [BEAT] How long has he been here?

LODGE
In game time? About two months.

JOANNA
You guys left him here all alone?

GARY
Like we had a choice! We were dead!

JOANNA
And you made him carry that big chest all
93
by himself?

LEO
Well, yeah. He's a henchman.

CASS
No way he's still alive after eight weeks.

LODGE
Sure he is. You left three months worth of
provisions in that Chest of Holding. Along
with everything else.

GARY
Everything else?

CASS
Our old gear!


LUSTER [M] approaches WODNICK.

LUSTER [M]
Wodnick, don't you recognize me? It's me,
Fastidian.

WODNICK
Why are you wearing a dress?

LUSTER [M]
What? Oh, right.

LUSTER [M] morphs into LUSTER [F]. SILENCE steps up.

SILENCE
We've come to retrieve our goods. It's
us, your former masters.

WODNICK
Hang on a minute. You're not my masters.
You're entirely different characters
just played by the same people.

SILENCE
What?

94
WODNICK
I'm talking out of character.

LODGE (v.o.)
Your characters have no idea who his
last employers were.

WODNICK
I've never seen you before in my life.
Shove off!

LUSTER [F]
It's us, Wodnick! Turk, Rennard, all
of us!

WODNICK
Weren't you a man a minute ago?

LEO (v.o.)
I'll charm him.

FLYNN plays his mandolin. WODNICK softens to the music.

WE HEAR: dice roll

WODNICK
Well ... since my employers are more
than likely dead, I guess you can have
the chest. As long as I get to carry it.

SILENCE
Done and done.

DAPHNE
Wait, you're giving in just like that?

WODNICK
You have to admit, that mandolin can be
very persuasive.


GARY fishes some notes out of his binder.

LEO
Gary, you got that list of what all's in
the trunk?
95

GARY
Right here.

LEO
We can plunder anything from the list,
right?

LODGE
I suppose.

GARY
Awesome.


SILENCE and LUSTER [F] pull potions, weapons, and pieces of
armor out of the trunk.

SILENCE
Healing potions for everyone.

SILENCE passes out potions. The HEROES drink them. LUSTER
[F] finds a couple of black fuse bombs.

LUSTER [F]
Hey, guys, remember these?

LODGE (cont.)
I still can't believe I let you use
those.

SILENCE finds a lightsabre, looks around to make sure
nobody is watching, and pockets it.

LUSTER [F]
Are we ready?

SILENCE
More so than ever. Wodnick, stay here.
We'll be back soon.

WODNICK
I've heard that before.


96
WE HEAR: a brief struggle and clash of arms

FLYNN kicks open the door and strides inside, the other
four HEROES close beside him.

FLYNN
Mort Kemnon!

KEMNON is seated on his throne, shrouded in darkness.

KEMNON
Welcome.

SILENCE
Your reign of terror ends here!

LUSTER [F]
By the light of Therin, you shall fall!

KEMNON
What good is the light of your goddess?
She cannot help you here.

Black energy crackles around KEMNON's hand. The Sunburst on
OSRIC's armor darkens. LUSTER [F] lights both bombs.

OSRIC
Face us, necromancer!

KEMNON stands and steps into the light. He is thin, pale,
and gaunt. His eyes are white, and his face is covered with
an intricate pattern of fine black tattoos.

KEMNON
Face my army, mortal.

DEATH KNIGHTS run towards the room. LUSTER [F] flings the
bombs into the entrances on either side of the throne. The
bombs explode, flinging pieces of DEATH KNIGHT in all
directions. The ceiling collapses, blocking the entrances.

KEMNON (cont.)
(surprised)
I hadn't counted on you doing that.

OSRIC
Give us the Mask. We've defeated your
97
army.

KEMNON
That may be. But you've yet to face my
bodyguards.

SILENCE, LUSTER [F], and FLYNN are immediately suspicious.

CASS (v.o.)
Bodyguards?

LEO (v.o.)
I don't remember any bodyguards!

TURK, FASTIDIAN, and RENNARD step out from behind KEMNON's
throne. All three have pallid undead flesh. FASTIDIAN's
robes are black, as is his Sunburst.

The HEROES draw weapons. SILENCE ignites his lightsabre.

LODGE (v.o.)
Hold on!


LODGE glares at CASS.

LODGE
No way, no how am I letting a lightsabre
in this campaign! It's not even the right
system!

CASS
I see no lightsabre. That'd be copyright
infringement. I see a Psionic Spirit Blade
with a bonus equal to my Cunning modifier.

LODGE
(stubbornly)
You don't have my permission to use that
in this campaign.

CASS
Fine. Then you don't have my permission
to use my old character. You never asked
me if you could make him an NPC. I'm
pretty sure you didn't ask Leo or Gary,
98
either.

LEO and GARY
(ad libbing)
No, you didn't. That's right. Etc.

LODGE and CASS stare each other down.

LODGE
I really want to kill you, Cass.

MILES
You're speaking in character, of course.

LODGE just glares at CASS, who smiles back.

105. INT. DUNGEON - ANTECHAMBER

TURK, RENNARD, and FASTIDIAN flank KEMNON.

KEMNON
Die!

The UNDEAD HEROES charge the HEROES. TURK smashes into
DAPHNE and OSRIC shield first, sending both sprawling.
FASTIDIAN starts chanting. SILENCE and TURK face off.

LUSTER [F]
Counterspell!

FASTIDIAN's spell fails. FLYNN is looking around furtively.

FLYNN
Don't let Rennard behind you! He'll
backstab you!

RENNARD springs up behind FLYNN and backstabs him.

FLYNN (cont.)
(dying)
Like that.

FLYNN falls dead. KEMNON watches, amused. LUSTER [F] and
RENNARD keep flanking each other, trying to get behind the
other. TURK kicks SILENCE away, and OSRIC takes his place.
DAPHNE uses the Staff to resurrect FLYNN. TURK knocks OSRIC
99
out of the way and charges DAPHNE. TURK hits DAPHNE with
his axe, cutting her and knocking her across the room.

LODGE (v.o.)
Daphne takes nineteen damage.

JOANNA (v.o.)
Nineteen? That's half my hit points!

CASS (v.o.)
I told you thirty-five wasn't enough!

FLYNN and RENNARD duel with rapiers while LUSTER [F] tries
to flank RENNARD. SILENCE kicks TURK in the throat,
dropping him. OSRIC points his sword at FASTIDIAN as
FASTIDIAN points his black Sunburst at OSRIC.

OSRIC and FASTIDIAN
Turn!

In a flash, both OSRIC and FASTIDIAN are flung against
opposite walls. OSRIC drops his sword. TURK knocks SILENCE
over, disarming him. RENNARD trips LUSTER [F], and FLYNN
then trips over her. KEMNON starts to laugh, but his
laughter quickly dies. KEMNON looks up in fear.

WE HEAR: giant, thundering footsteps

An enormous black paw slams down in the room. Everyone
stops fighting and looks up.

WE HEAR: a deafening roar

An enormous black cat, GIANT GUEN, fills most of the room.

FLYNN
(horrified)
Oh, my god!

GIANT GUEN eats FLYNN.


GUEN is standing on the table in the antechamber of the
dungeon model. The miniatures are scattered everywhere.
GUEN has the mini of FLYNN in his mouth.

100
LEO
Bad kitty! Leggo my mini!

LODGE
Guenhwyvar, off the table!

LODGE picks up GUEN and takes the mini out of his mouth.
GUEN protests. LODGE sets GUEN on the floor and gives the
mini to LEO. The mini is missing an arm.

LEO
I believe I had an arm. [BEAT] Oh, there
it is.

LEO picks up the arm from the model.

LODGE
Sorry about that, everyone.

LODGE starts picking up all the scattered dungeon model
props and miniatures. LEO glues the arm back on his mini
with thick, clear glue.

LODGE (cont.)
Okay, let's see if I can remember where
all this goes.


The room is empty. The throne, entrances, and door are all
missing. The walls are blank. LODGE appears in the room and
looks around.

LODGE
Okay, the door and throne were over
there.

LODGE points. The door and throne drop down to their
previous spots.

LODGE (cont.)
The side entrances went here and here.

LODGE points. The side entrances fall into the wall,
flanking the throne.

LODGE (cont.)
101
Rocks.

Rocks fall down where LODGE points, filling the side
entrances.

LODGE (cont.)
Bad guys.

LODGE points. Unseen forces drag KEMNON, TURK, RENNARD, and
FASTIDIAN to their previous positions. They are all frozen
in place.

LODGE (cont.)
And you were all here.

LODGE points. The HEROES are dragged by unseen hands to
their previous positions. FLYNN has a thick ring of hard,
clear glue around his right shoulder.

CASS (v.o.)
Actually, I was standing.

SILENCE stands.

JOANNA (v.o.)
And I was facing the other way.

JOANNA turns around so she's facing FASTIDIAN. OSRIC is on
FASTIDIAN's other side.

GARY (v.o.)
And I'm pretty sure I was behind Rennard.

LODGE (cont.)
Really?

GARY (v.o.)
Would I lie?

LUSTER [F] gets behind RENNARD.

LODGE
Okay, everything's set?

LODGE nods and vanishes.

LODGE (v.o.)(cont.)
102
Go!

LUSTER [F] backstabs RENNARD, killing him. DAPHNE and OSRIC
stab FASTIDIAN, killing him. SILENCE cuts TURK in half with
the lightsabre.

KEMNON
Stupid cat.

OSRIC charges KEMNON and swings mightily at him. KEMNON
vanishes. OSRIC's swing cleaves the throne in half.

OSRIC
Where has he gone?

FLYNN runs up and examines the wall behind the throne. He
points to a switch with his right arm.

FLYNN
There's a door here!

FLYNN's arm falls off. LUSTER [F] flips the switch.

108. INT. DUNEGON CHAPEL CRYPT

Beyond is a dark chapel, a mockery of a church. An altar
sits opposite a caged cell. Inside the cell rests a large,
leather-bound book. Chains hang outside the cell.

A side wall slides back. The HEROES pour through. FLYNN has
his arm again. KEMNON appears before the altar. He raises a
black mask, the Mask of Death, to his face. Darkness swirls
around him. When he speaks, his voice is magnified.

KEMNON
Welcome to the chapel of a true god! I
promise you, this will be our final
confrontation.

SILENCE, DAPHNE, and OSRIC lunge at KEMNON. Each strike
him, but none of the attacks hurt KEMNON. KEMNON hurls the
three HEROES aside like rag dolls.

LODGE (cont.)
Each of you hit, but he shows absolutely
no signs of damage.

103
KEMNON folds his arms and walks towards the prone HEROES.

KEMNON
I know you can do better than that.

DAPHNE looks around frantically and sees the book.

JOANNA (v.o.)
The book! The demon said his power was
in the book.

DAPHNE
Destroy the grimoire!

KEMNON backhands DAPHNE, sending her sprawling. OSRIC
charges him. The two engage in combat.

LUSTER [F] picks the lock on the cage. The chains hanging
to the side animate. They swing at LUSTER [F] and wrap
around her wrists, then yank her to the wall.

FLYNN tucks and rolls into the cage past other chains. He
stands before the book and draws a dagger.


The dungeon model has been updated. The miniature of FLYNN
is in the cage with the book.

LODGE
Flynn is in the cell with the grimoire.

LEO
I stab it. Wait! I backstab it.

CASS
Good call.

LODGE
What? You can't backstab it. You can't
sneak attack an inanimate object.

LEO
Why not? It's prone!

LODGE
You can only backstab humanoids! The
104
book has no discernable anatomy to
attack!

LEO
It's got a spine, doesn't it!

LODGE
Fine, fine. Roll your attack.

LEO grabs a 20-sided die and rolls a 1.

110. INT. DUNGEON CHAPEL CRYPT

SILENCE frees LUSTER [F], cutting through the chains with
his lightsabre. LUSTER [F] starts casting.

FLYNN stabs at the book and hits his hand. He howls in pain
and pulls out the dagger. Suddenly, he looks at the
grimoire as if he's just solved a riddle.

FLYNN
I've got it!

MILES (v.o.)
You've got what?

LEO (v.o.)
Look, I attacked the book and hit, but
hurt myself, right? It's a reverse damage
condition! If I wound it, I take the
damage. The reverse is also true!

FLYNN squares himself before the book.

FLYNN
Your evil ends here, Mort Kemnon!

FLYNN stabs himself in the chest. Everyone stops fighting
and looks at FLYNN. Confused, FLYNN drops dead.


Everyone is staring at LEO.

LEO
Bards suck.

105
JOANNA
Are you sure you've done this before?

LODGE
That was unprecedented, Leo.

GARY
On the upside, though, it gave me time
to finish my spell.

LODGE
Which one?

GARY
Need you ask?

112. INT. DUNGEON CHAPEL CRYPT

LUSTER [F] finishes casting. The book bursts into flame. An
enormous hand erupts from the ground and squeezes the
burning book.

KEMNON shrieks inhumanely and ignites. He falls into a
burning heap. The Mask of Death falls and clatters on the
ground. The flames die. KEMNON can hardly move, and looks
to have aged a hundred years. He laughs feebly.

KEMNON
(dying)
You think ... that you have won.

SILENCE
How have we not?

KEMNON
You have only made ... him ... more
powerful.

SILENCE
Who?

KEMNON laughs, and dissolves into ash. His laughter echoes
throughout the chapel crypt, dying slowly.

OSRIC kneels by the Mask of Death and picks it up. The
moment he touches it, all the lights die.

106
DISSOLVE TO

113. EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE

The HEROES, dirty and bloodied, trudge out of the mines.
DAPHNE is again wearing her silks and lamellar armor.

LODGE (v.o.)
Mort Kemnon's lair died with him. You
have no encounters on your way back
through the dungeon. You emerge from
the mine, Kemnon's final words burning
in your ears. The early morning light
is blinding, so much so that you don't
see the riders until they are upon you.

Four PALADINS and MARSHALL ride up and halt.

MARSHALL
Hail, Sir Osric!

OSRIC wearily salutes MARSHALL.

MARSHALL (cont.)
Were you successful in your quest?

OSRIC
Aye, we were.

MARSHALL
Excellent. Therin be praised. You and your
heroes are to be commended. Have you also
recovered the Mask of Death?

OSRIC
Aye, we have.

MARSHALL
Therin be praised! Our land will be at
peace at last. Quickly, now, hand it over
so we may rush it back to the cathedral
and destroy its evil once and for all.

OSRIC
Would that I could, sir, but I have vowed
to return it to the King.

107
MARSHALL
(laughing)
You are steadfast in your duty sir! But
I assure you, we come with the King's
blessing. Now give me the Mask.

OSRIC
I cannot.

MARSHALL
Truly, you will not be diverted. But now
is not the time for personal heroics. We
must destroy the Mask. Give it here!

DAPHNE and SILENCE step up to flank OSRIC.

SILENCE
You have your answer, Paladin.

OSRIC
I will deliver this into the hands of the
King, and no other.

MARSHALL's face darkens.

MARSHALL
(angrily)
As Lord High Marshall of the Paladins of
Therin, I command you to hand over the
Mask!

The PALADINS draw their swords. FLYNN takes the reins of a
PALADIN's horse. That PALADINS strikes FLYNN with his
sword, wounding him. DAPHNE shields FLYNN.

DAPHNE
Put your swords away! Hasn't enough blood
already been spilled? Haven't enough bards
already died?

MARSHALL
This amounts to treason! You've gone over
to the side of darkness!

SILENCE
(sagely)
He who stumbles around in darkness with
108
a stick is blind, but he who sticks out
in darkness is ... fluorescent.

The other HEROES stare at SILENCE.


The GAMERS are all staring at CASS. LODGE points at him.

LODGE
Lose fifty XP.

GARY
Detect Evil.

LODGE rolls dice and shakes his head.

LODGE
You sense no evil from the paladins.

115. EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE

MARSHALL is glaring at the HEROES, who stare defiantly back
at him.

MARSHALL
Very well, Osric. Keep the mask! I shall
report your slanderous disobedience to
the Hierophant!

MARSHALL signals, and the PALADINS turn their mounts and
ride away. The HEROES warily watch them go.


LODGE addresses the other GAMERS.

LODGE
Weary and worried, you trek back along
the trail, back through the ruins of
Westhaven. You make excellent time,
and as the sun is setting, you arrive
back in Mudhollow.

LEO
Let's go to the inn. I've only got two
hit points left.
109

LODGE
And the Staff of Resurrection is out of
charges.

LEO
I need a good night's sleep.

JOANNA
I want to talk things over before we
turn in, so we're all on the same page.

GARY
In character?

JOANNA
Yes, of course.

GARY
Can't we just skip to tomorrow morning?

JOANNA
This is what my character would do. She
wouldn't wait until morning.

GARY
(disappointed)
Okay. Don't take too long.

JOANNA
(to LODGE)
I order dinner from the innkeeper.


The HEROES share a circular table in the center of the
common room. The other tables are deserted.

FLYNN
Could we go to bed soon? I'm almost dead.

DAPHNE
In a moment. [BEAT] Do you remember what
Mort Kemnon said just before he died?

LUSTER [F]
"Aaaarrrggh?"
110

DAPHNE
No, he said "you have only made him more
powerful." Who was he talking about?

SILENCE
Death, obviously. His god.

DAPHNE
I disagree. How would Death be more powerful
after his greatest servant was killed?

OSRIC
In the forest, he also said our breath
was wasted on him. I dismissed it then.
Maybe he was trying to tell us something.

SILENCE
Such as?

DAPHNE
Perhaps he was not the enemy we should have
been seeking.

The BARMAID seduced by FLYNN earlier brings a steaming
baked turkey to the table. FLYNN recognizes her, and smiles
at her winningly.

FLYNN
Hello again, gorgeous.

The BARMAID smiles back, then slaps him hard across the
face and storms off. FLYNN is stunned.

LODGE (v.o.)
Okay, that's one damage.

FLYNN
(shocked)
What?

LODGE (v.o.)
Minimum damage, dude. Sorry.

LEO (v.o.)
I've got one hit point left! One! I could
die from a squirrel bite!
111

FLYNN
I would really like to go to bed right now.

DAPHNE
In a minute.

LUSTER [F] is stares in boredom at the turkey.

OSRIC
Maybe the him was whoever holds the Mask
of Death.


The GAMERS are all sitting in the same positions around the
game table as their characters are in inn.

JOANNA
"That could implicate the King, maybe even
the Hierophant."

MILES
"What would the Hierophant want with the
power of Death? I don't think he could
even use it. He's not his worshipper."

GARY
Boring!

JOANNA
"Wait. Flynn, you said the mask makes the
wearer the avatar of whatever god he
worships, right?"

LEO
"Yes. What of it?"

JOANNA
"Well, if that's true, then the Hierophant
could use the mask to gain the power of
Therin."

LEO
"Why would he do that? He's already her
Hierophant."

112
GARY rolls his head on the table in boredom.

GARY
Can't we do this in the morning?

119. INT. INN NIGHT

LUSTER [F] is rolling her head on the table in boredom.

OSRIC
There was something the demon said,
right before we banished him.

LUSTER [F]
"Bleeaaaarrrgh?"

OSRIC
No. He said Kemnon's power was in his book,
but that ...

DAPHNE
(interrupting)
That his was not the power to fear. [BEAT]
And what does that mean?

SILENCE
The question we should be asking is, how
did the paladins know where to find us?
Kemnon's lair was supposedly a secret.

LUSTER [F] looks up, painfully bored. Her eyes land on the
turkey. Her face lights up with wicked inspiration. She
starts casting a spell.


GARY hands a note to LODGE. It reads: "Raise Dead on the
turkey!" LODGE regards GARY with distaste.

121. INT. INN NIGHT

The UNDEAD TURKEY rises, moaning inappropriately. TURKEY
wobbles around the table, dropping stuffing everywhere. The
HEROES are stunned. LUSTER [M], male again, is pleased.

DAPHNE
You raised our dinner from the dead?
113

LUSTER [M]
Apparently.

OSRIC
I am morally obliged to destroy this
monstrosity.

OSRIC stands and unsheathes his sword.

OSRIC (cont.)
(chagrined)
What would my order say?

MARSHALL
We would say, give us the mask or die!

The HEROES whirl around. MARSHALL and six other PALADINS
have entered, blades drawn. The HEROES jump to their feet.
TURKEY waddles off the table and hits the floor.

FLYNN
I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die!

FLYNN hides in the corner beside the fireplace. SILENCE
ignites his lightsabre. It flickers, then dies. SILENCE
looks at it, frustrated.

CASS (v.o.)
What the hell?

LODGE (v.o.)
(pedantically)
You're out of Psionic Points. Can't run
a Psionic Spirit Blade without Psionic
Points, can you?

Annoyed, SILENCE chucks the lightsabre to the side and
strikes a defensive pose.

OSRIC
There is no reason for us to fight.

MARSHALL
The Mask has corrupted you! Give it to
me!

114
OSRIC
You know not what you ask! I will not
shed innocent blood!

MARSHALL
The time for negotiation has passed. I
will have the Mask!

OSRIC
I will not kill members of my own order!

MARSHALL
You are no longer of us, traitor!

The PALADINS attack. OSRIC only strikes with the flat of
his blade and with his fists, not landing any lethal blows.
FLYNN cowers in the corner. The TURKEY slowly waddles
towards FLYNN. DAPHNE sneezes.

WE HEAR: dice roll

JOANNA (v.o.)
(worried)
Fumble!

DAPHNE trips backwards and falls prone on her back, losing
her spear. A PALADIN moves in for the kill.

OSRIC
Daphne! No!

OSRIC leaps in the way and kills the PALADIN. OSRIC looks
horrified by what he's done.

WE HEAR: undead turkey sounds

FLYNN looks up at the mantel. TURKEY looks back at him.
FLYNN shrieks girlishly as TURKEY leaps upon him.

MARSHALL clubs OSRIC and snatches the Mask from his belt.
MARSHALL and the two living PALADINS storm out of the inn
and escape.

The HEROES climb to their feet. FLYNN is lying dead on the
floor, the TURKEY standing on his bloody chest. OSRIC
points angrily at the TURKEY.

115
OSRIC
Turn!

Nothing happens. Everyone looks at OSRIC.

OSRIC (cont.)
I've killed my own. I've lost my powers.

LUSTER [M] backstabs the TURKEY, which dies. Then he rips a
piece off the TURKEY and munches it.

LUSTER [M]
Hey, guys! It's still good!


The GAMERS are grim-faced.

LODGE
By the time you've rushed outside, the
Paladins have ridden away. You try to
resurrect Flynn, but the Staff is out
of charges and therefore useless.

123. INT. INN NIGHT

FLYNN lies dead on the table. OSRIC, DAPHNE, and SILENCE
are pacing. LUSTER [M] is still eating TURKEY.

OSRIC
Lady Daphne, I fear you were correct.
We must retrieve the Mask. We must also
assume that the Hierophant, for whatever
reason, is now our enemy.

DAPHNE
We must set out for the cathedral
immediately. If we push hard, it'll
still take us more than two days to
cross the mountains.

OSRIC
(wincing)
Two days.

LUSTER [M]
Do you want to bury the bard, get the
116
piety points?

OSRIC
No. I have an idea. We'll need to bring
him with us.

OSRIC catches sight of himself in the mirror. He touches
some newly gray hairs at his temples.

OSRIC (cont.)
We haven't a moment to lose.

124. EXT. FANTASY WORLD

The HEROES stride back towards the castle town, through the
foothills and snowy mountains. FLYNN lies covered in a
handcart. OSRIC is aging rapidly.

LODGE (v.o.)
You journey swiftly back into the king's
land, and as you go, you are more convinced
that the true enemy lies ahead, for the
land is harsher even than before.


LODGE addresses the GAMERS.

LODGE
You arrive to find the cathedral guarded
by Paladins.

CASS
They'll be looking for us.

GARY
We need a distraction to get in.

MILES
Exactly. Here's what we're going to do.

The GAMERS lean forward expectantly.

126. EXT. CATHEDRAL

PALADINS are guarding the cathedral with a PRIEST. LUSTER
[M], disguised as a peasant, wheels the cart with FLYNN's
117
body towards the guards. The other HEROES hide behind a
hedge. OSRIC is older, appearing to be in his seventies.

When LUSTER [M] nears, the PRIEST halts him.

PRIEST
Ho, peasant. What business brings you
to Therin's temple?

LUSTER [M]
Please, father, my husband, he is dead.
Raise him with Therin's healing hand.

PRIEST
Your husband?

LUSTER [M]
Yes. I am so a woman.

LUSTER [M] morphs into LUSTER [F].

PRIEST
Be that as it may, death is natural. We
cannot resurrect every yeoman who falls.

LUSTER [F] holds out a bag of gold.

LUSTER [F]
I make this donation to the church.

PRIEST takes the gold and tucks it into his belt.

PRIEST
Therin's blessings be upon you.

PRIEST turns to the PALADINS. LUSTER [F] steals the bag of
gold back from him.

PRIEST (cont.)
Brothers, escort this lady to the infirmary.

The PALADINS lead LUSTER [F] inside. The HEROES sneak up
behind PRIEST. PRIEST turns around, and SILENCE punches him
in the ribs. PRIEST freezes in place. The HEROES enter.

127. INT. INFIRMARY

118
FLYNN is lying on a bed. A female HEALER is sitting on the
bed with a wooden recorder. The PRIESTESS seduced by FLYNN
is holding a crystal bottle of water. LUSTER [F] is nearby.

HEALER begins to play the Hymn to Therin on the recorder.
PRIESTESS pours some of the water on FLYNN's eyes. FLYNN
shudders, and comes back to life.

HEALER
Therin be praised.

FLYNN
That music. I've heard it before.

HEALER
That is the Hymn to Therin. It calls forth
the love of our goddess.

FLYNN turns to PRIESTESS and smiles wryly.

FLYNN
Hey, beautiful. Care to break another vow?

PRIESTESS smiles coyly, then slaps FLYNN across the face.

FLYNN (cont.)
Is that any way to treat the dead?

PRIESTESS
You're not dead any more.

FLYNN
Give me five minutes. It'll change.

DAPHNE, OSRIC, and SILENCE enter.

DAPHNE
(to FLYNN)
Alive again? Excellent! It's time.

128. INT. INNER SANCTUM

HIEROPHANT is sitting on a throne behind the altar. The
Heart of Therin is in his hand. The doors burst open, and
the HEROES enter.

DAPHNE
119
Grand Hierophant, we beg an audience!

HIEROPHANT
But of course. Sir Osric, I see the years
have not been kind.

OSRIC
(weakly)
Give us the Mask.

HIEROPHANT
And why would I do this?

FLYNN
It must be destroyed.

HIEROPHANT
My dear boy, why would I wish it destroyed?

DAPHNE
It is evil. It must be destroyed, for
the glory of your goddess.

HIEROPHANT
It is for the glory of my goddess that
I shall wear the Mask!

The HEROES recoil, stunned.

OSRIC
But why?

HIEROPHANT (cont.)
Before the threat of Mort Kemnon and
his army of the dead, the people had
turned their backs on Therin. They
became complacent, unholy. By depriving
them of their goddess, I have rekindled
their faith! More attend the services
now than ever. Their fear of Death
drives them to the saving light of
Therin.

DAPHNE
If the king finds out what you've done ...

HIEROPHANT
120
The king would not understand, and had
to be removed. Now I rule, as Hierophant,
as Emperor ... and as avatar of our
goddess!

HIEROPHANT dons the Mask of Death. Power and light swirl
around him. When he speaks, his voice is magnified.

HIEROPHANT (cont.)
(insanely)
I have brought peace to these unworthy
lands! I have resurrected the glory of
light! And so only I am deserving of
the power of Therin!

HIEROPHANT points at the HEROES.

HIEROPHANT (cont.)
Kneel before your new god!

The HEROES are forced to kneel.

WE HEAR: dice roll

OSRIC stands and struggles towards HIEROPHANT.

OSRIC
You have betrayed your vows and your
goddess. She will not stand for this
blasphemy, and neither will I!

HIEROPHANT
Then join her in the world beyond!

HIEROPHANT fires ray of light at OSRIC. The ray traps him.
He ages even more rapidly, ten to twenty years in seconds.
He writhes in pain.

FLYNN, on his knees, brings out his mandolin.

LEO (v.o.)
How did that go? Oh, yes.

FLYNN plays the Hymn to Therin. HIEROPHANT turns his
attention to FLYNN. The light around OSRIC him winks out.
OSRIC collapses, wizened like a 100-year-old.

121
HIEROPHANT
Goddess?

WE HEAR: the Hymn to Therin, played by an unseen orchestra.
The sound fills the inner sanctum.

Realization dawns in OSRIC's eyes.

OSRIC
(feebly)
The Heart! Daphne, Therin is trapped in
the Heart!

HIEROPHANT fires another bolt of light into OSRIC. OSRIC
writhes in pain. The Heart of Therin begins to glow.
HIEROPHANT tries to cover it, but it burns his hands.

HIEROPHANT (cont.)
(scared)
Goddess! I am your avatar!

A pulse of light bursts from the Heart. It knocks the Mask
from HIEROPHANT's face and breaks the unseen bonds trapping
the HEROES. The MASK lands within arm's reach of OSRIC. The
HEROES stand. DAPHNE hefts her spear.

DAPHNE
The light of Therin be upon you.

HIEROPHANT
No!

DAPHNE hurls the spear at the Heart of Therin, which
shatters. A blinding light flashes, wiping everything away.
When the light fades, DAPHNE and HIEROPHANT are gone.

FLYNN, SILENCE, and LUSTER [F] look around. Their eyes come
to rest on OSRIC. He is dead, lying peacefully on his back
with the broken Mask of Death on his chest.


Blinding white light fades. DAPHNE blinks her eyes and
looks around. A golden castle of sunlight rises atop hills
of white grain. Blinding light shines from the Palace.

122
THERIN, a beautiful goddess with flowing hair, appears
before DAPHNE. She drops to her knees and lowers her eyes.

THERIN
Rise, Daphne.

DAPHNE rises.

THERIN (cont.)
You have freed me from my prison, and
have my thanks. Of all your fellows,
it was you who never strayed from the
paths of goodness and law. And so, as
a reward, I will grant you any one wish
you desire.


GARY, CASS, and LEO are stunned.

GARY
No way.

LEO
Limited wish, or unlimited?

CASS
She's a goddess, dude. It's unlimited.
She can wish for anything.

LEO
Oh, go for levels! You could make yourself
like a twentieth level everything!

GARY
No, no! Gear!

GARY holds up several gamebooks.

GARY (cont.)
Wish for everything in these books!

CASS
Don't think small. Wish yourself immortal!
Have her make you a goddess as well!

JOANNA
123
(to MILES)
What do you think?

MILES
I think it's up to you.

LODGE nods in agreement. JOANNA is thoughtful.

JOANNA
I've decided.


DAPHNE raises her eyes to THERIN.

THERIN
What is your wish?

JOANNA
I wish you would return Sir Osric to life,
as the noble and true paladin he was.

THERIN smiles and nods.

THERIN
So be it.

The light flashes blindingly, whiting out everything.


Everyone but JOANNA is stunned.

MILES
(pleased)
That's awesome.

LODGE
(moved)
That's beautiful!

CASS
(enraged)
That's so freaking stupid!

Everyone looks at CASS, who pushes back from the table and
stands up. He starts pacing.
124

CASS (cont.)
(apoplectic)
Oh, my God, I can't believe what you
just did! I have seen stupid decisions
before, but this is the single most
lame, retarded one ever! You wasted
an unlimited wish! How about wishing
for more wishes, advancing our levels,
getting us magic items! How about
wishing yourself immortal first, then
resurrecting him yourself? Good God,
you could have had anything!

JOANNA
It's what my character would have done.

CASS
You could have been a god! I know
players who'd kill for that! But no,
you make the single most selfish,
illogical decision in the history of
role playing games! That is it!

CASS grabs his coat and gear. He storms towards the door.

CASS (cont.)
Damn it, we're gamers! Haven't you learned
anything?!

CASS slams the door. Everyone at the table exchanges
relieved looks. GARY turns to LODGE.

GARY
So, what happens next?

133. INT. INNER SANCTUM

OSRIC is lying on his back. LUSTER [F], and FLYNN are
kneeling beside him. There is a blinding flash, and DAPHNE
appears.

DAPHNE kneels beside OSRIC. She grabs his hands. The years
fade away from OSRIC, and he is young again. His Sunburst
flashes. OSRIC wakes and stands, hand in hand with DAPHNE.

125
There is another blinding flash. THERIN appears, floating
above the altar. The HEROES kneel. THERIN sees the broken
mask, and waves her hand. The Mask mends itself anew.

THERIN
Rise, Flynn.

FLYNN rises.

THERIN (cont.)
If was your music that called me forward
from the Hierophant's prison. You have
my thanks. You shall be my herald, and
bring music and peace to the people.

Light shines on FLYNN from above. When it fades, he is
clean and groomed, and his cloak is white.

LODGE (v.o.)
Leo, gain three levels of the Cantor
prestige class.

LEO (v.o.)
Awesome!

THERIN
Rise, Luster.

LUSTER [F] rises.

THERIN (cont.)
It was your skill in magic that kept
your companions alive in the wilderness.
You have my thanks. I would have you,
too, enter my service, but I cannot
have an evil person sworn to me.

LUSTER [F]
I'm not evil. I'm chaotic neutral.

THERIN raises a hand. Light surrounds LUSTER, purifying
her. When it fades, LUSTER [F]'s robes and cowl are white.

LODGE (v.o.)
She just forcibly changed your alignment
to neutral good. And you can't remember
any of your spells.
126

GARY (v.o.)
What?

LUSTER [F]
What did you do to me?

THERIN
I have burned away your wickedness, and
made you whole again.

LUSTER [F]
In game terms, please.

THERIN
(annoyed)
I replaced your levels of sorcerer with
equal levels of cleric.

LUSTER [F]
Oh. Cool.

THERIN
Where is the monk?

DAPHNE
(sadly)
He has gone. He disagreed with the wisdom
of my decision.

THERIN
(sagely)
Often, those who consider themselves wise
are the greatest fools of all.

The HEROES nod to each other. That made sense.

THERIN (cont.)
Rise, Osric.

OSRIC rises, DAPHNE's hands in his.

THERIN (cont.)
It was your steady blade that kept your
fellows safe. I dub thee the new Lord
High Marshall of my Paladins, with all
accompanying lands and titles. My first
127
command is that you take Lady Daphne
to wife.

OSRIC and DAPHNE look at each other in amazement.

THERIN (cont.)
It was Daphne's wish that brought you
back. You two now share a bond greater
than blood. For when you save someone's
life, you are then responsible for it.
Now, you will forevermore be responsible
for each other.

THERIN floats above the altar. The light around her shines
brightly. The HEROES have to shield their eyes.

THERIN (cont.)
Go forth, heroes! And bring my light
to the dark places of the world!

The light flashes blindingly, whiting out the scene.

DISSOLVE TO


The GAMERS are satisfied.

JOANNA
Cool!

GARY
I guess that means the campaign's over,
doesn't it?

LODGE
This one is, yeah.

It is quiet for a few moments.

GARY
I had a good time.

LEO
Me, too. That was different. But cool,
mostly cool. You new guys, I like the
way you game.
128

GARY
Totally in agreement, here.

135. EXT. LODGE'S APARTMENT

The door opens. MILES, JOANNA, GARY, and LEO step out,
carrying their gaming equipment. LODGE follows, GUEN in his
arms. They exchange goodbyes, and LODGE locks up.


LODGE walks in, sets gown GUEN, and sits at his computer.
He kills the screen saver, and full word processor
documents appear. LODGE starts typing. The words flow out
onto the computer screen. He doesn't stop.

DISSOLVE TO

137. INT. COPY SHOP

LODGE's pages are printing out of a printer.


LEO prominently stocks LODGE's module in the rack with
other gaming modules. The module is entitled: "The Mask of
Death, by Kevin Lodge." Artwork depicting the five HEROES
fighting KEMNON decorates the cover.

LODGE, LEO, JOANNA, GARY, and MILES stand back to admire
the module in the rack. LODGE has an armful of copies of
the module.

GARY
Awesome.

MILES
Nice.

LODGE
And, of course, everyone gets a promo.

LODGE hands out copies to the GAMERS, who eagerly open
them. Inside are dungeon maps and texts. LODGE hands a
second module to JOANNA.

129
LODGE (cont.)
This one's for Cass. He was part of the
campaign, I figured I should make the offer.

JOANNA takes the envelope.

JOANNA
We haven't really been talking, but I'll
give it to him if he stops being an ass.

It is quiet for a few moments.

GARY
The story doesn't end here, does it?

LODGE starts meandering towards the gaming table in the
back. The GAMERS follow.

LODGE
Oh, there's more. I've come up with this
awesome new villain. He's sort of a ninja
swashbuckler, called the Shadow.

JOANNA
(apprehensively)
The Shadow?

GARY
(fearfully)
The Shadow!

MILES
(resolutely)
The Shadow.

LODGE
Hey, cool. I might use that.

The GAMERS sit around the table. LODGE sits behind the
gamemaster screen and picks up some notes.

LEO
Where's the new adventure start?

LODGE
I think it's pretty obvious.

130
MILES and JOANNA
Where?

LODGE
Your wedding.

MILES and JOANNA look at each other and laugh.

139. EXT. WHITE CASTLE

A fantasy wedding reception is taking place outside of a
beautiful, white castle. GUESTS from throughout the
previous adventure are lining the walkway outside.

OSRIC and DAPHNE, dressed in white, walk out, arm in arm.
LUSTER [F], also dressed in white, steps out between them.

LUSTER [F]
I give you Lord Osric and Lady Daphne
of Whitetower!

The GUESTS cheer. DAPHNE and OSRIC proceed down to the
fountain, where they greet guests.

FLYNN, dressed in white, sidles between the BARMAID and
PRIESTESS he seduced earlier. He whispers in one's ear
first, then the other's. Both girls link arms with FLYNN,
and all three run behind some hedges.

A distressed HERALD runs out of the castle up to OSRIC and
DAPHNE. He kneels hastily.

HERALD
Dire news, my lord!

OSRIC
Rise. What is it?

HERALD rises. The GUESTS quiet down.

HERALD
The Mask of Death! It's gone, stolen by
the Shadow!

The GUESTS all gasp. OSRIC and DAPHNE pump their fists.

DAPHNE
131
Adventure time! Wodnick!

WODNICK runs out of the crowd, trunk on his back.

WODNICK
My lady?

DAPHNE
Load up! We're going out!

WODNICK
Yes, my lady!

DAPHNE rips off her wedding whites, revealing her regular
armor. LUSTER [F] does the same. OSRIC belts on his sword.
FLYNN, disheveled, staggers out from behind the hedge, but
two sets of arms grab him and pull him back down.

140. REAL/FANTASY WORLD MONTAGE

Series of shots cutting between the GAMERS laughing and
joking at gaming tables and the HEROES adventuring in
fantasy lands. The montage leads into the end credits.

141. END CREDITS

G2E 4th Revision

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