De La Salle University

Ramon V. Del Rosario College of Business

Business Communication





Assignment on Completeness and Concreteness



Submitted by:




Your Name
Section

Submitted on:

Date of Submission

Original Sentence

C Violated Error Revised Sentence
Completeness The date when the memo
was written is not included.
September 10, 2014
Completeness The names of the writer
and reader are not
included.

TO: Ana de la Cruz
Personnel Manager

FR: Jason Santos
Vice-President, Human
Resources Department

Completeness The writer did not sign the
memo.

Jason Santos Jason Santos Jason Santos Jason Santos
Completeness The subject of the memo is
not included.

RE: Meeting on Employee Concerns
on September 22, Monday
Everyone is up in arms
over the quality of the so-
called food now being
served in the cafeteria,
the idiotic new relaxed
dress code which permits
the girls to wear shorts
and halters on the job,
and the parking situation
in which employees must
literally walk from the
street lots to the building
and I urgently suggest a
meeting with all
concerned to discuss
these top-priority
problems on September
22, 10:15 in my office.

Conciseness and
Coherence
The whole memo is one
sentence only, and is very
long. It is difficult to read
and understand.

Also, writing the three
complaints as part of one
long sentence makes the
message incoherent. The
reader will find it easier if
the three complaints are
written as bullets.
I have received 15 complaints
involving three employee-related
areas:

The revised dress code for female
employees;
The cafeteria food; and
The parking situation.

Lets meet in my office on September
22, Monday, at 10:15 a.m. to discuss
these concerns.

Thank you.

Everyone is up in arms
over the quality of the so-
called food now being
served in the cafeteria,
the idiotic new relaxed
dress code which permits
the girls to wear shorts
and halters on the job,
and the parking situation
in which employees must
literally walk from the
street lots to the building
and I urgently suggest a
meeting with all
concerned to discuss
these top-priority
problems on September
22, 10:15 in my office.
Clarity Everyone is up in arms
this is an exaggeration. It
is better to cite the number
of employees who really
complained.

Employees must literally
walk from the street lots to
the building - this is an
exaggeration.

Top-priority problems
while employee concerns
are important, these ones
do not seem to qualify as
top priority. Also, use
problems with caution
because it could be
inflammatory.

I have received 15 complaints involving
three employee-related areas:

The revised dress code for female
employees;
The cafeteria food; and
The parking situation.


Original Sentence C Violated Error Revised Sentence
Everyone is up in arms
over the quality of the so-
called food now being
served in the cafeteria,
the idiotic new relaxed
dress code which permits
the girls to wear shorts
and halters on the job,
and the parking situation
in which employees must
literally walk from the
street lots to the building
and I urgently suggest a
meeting with all
concerned to discuss
these top-priority
problems on September
22, 10:15 in my office.

Courtesy The idiotic new relaxed
dress code which permits
the girls idiotic and
relaxed could inflame the
readers.

Girls this insults the
female employees, who
are women. Girls are
female children.
The revised dress code for female
employees;
The cafeteria food; and
The parking situation.


Everyone is up in arms
over the quality of the so-
called food now being
served in the cafeteria,
the idiotic new relaxed
dress code which permits
the girls to wear shorts
and halters on the job,
and the parking situation
in which employees must
literally walk from the
street lots to the building
and I urgently suggest a
meeting with all
concerned to discuss
these top-priority
problems on September
22, 10:15 in my office.

Completeness The day of the meeting is
not mentioned. It is better
and more considerate to
include the day so that the
reader does not have to
check the calendar.

The time of the meeting is
not specific is it in the
morning or in the evening?
Some offices are open 24
hours a day.
Lets meet in my office on September 22,
Monday, at 10:15 a.m. to discuss these
concerns.

Everyone is up in arms
over the quality of the so-
called food now being
served in the cafeteria,
the idiotic new relaxed
dress code which permits
the girls to wear shorts
and halters on the job,
and the parking situation
in which employees must
literally walk from the
street lots to the building
and I urgently suggest a
meeting with all
concerned to discuss
these top-priority
problems September 22,
10:15 in my office.

Clarity I urgently suggest a
meeting with all concerned
to discuss these top-
priority problems on
September 22, 10:15 in
my office.

The language is not
conversational. The
suggest seems to imply
that the writer is trying to
be pleasant to his or her
subordinate, but the
urgently shows that he or
she is asserting his or her
position.

Lets meet in my office on September 22,
Monday, at 10:15 a.m. to discuss these
concerns.


Original Sentence C Violated Error Revised Sentence
Courtesy The writer did not thank
the reader. Although the
Personnel Manager has
no choice but to comply
with the request of the VP,
the VP should, out of
courtesy, thank the
Personnel Manager.

Thank you.


September 10, 2014


TO: Ana de la Cruz
Personnel Manager


Jason Santos Jason Santos Jason Santos Jason Santos

FR: Jason Santos
Vice-President, Human Resources Department


RE: Meeting on Employee Concerns on September 22, Monday


I have received 15 complaints involving three employee-related areas:

The revised dress code for female employees;
The cafeteria food; and
The parking situation.

Lets meet in my office on September 22, Monday, at 10:15 a.m. to discuss these concerns.

Thank you.




(Note: The revised version should be printed in Arial 10 font, double-spaced and with normal
margins.)